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Good morning.
Use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast that follows four not-so-average
dummies of our world who get caught up in a magical storm and are transported to the
world of Dungeons & Dragons, where they must survive and try to find their way back home.
Hey, Nate here.
My character's Duke Crystal.
He's a 32-year-old drug-addicted level 4 barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he wants a beach vacation.
Oh, what does that say?
That's kind of sad.
Hey guys, Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact, Archie is left-handed.
No, he is not.
That's a lie.
He's a demon.
He's sent from hell.
All right, yo, I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Her fun fact, Miss Muffin's married and her husband went missing years ago, never to be
found.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so the cat's obviously ate them
She's a murderer.
The cat's obviously ate him.
That's why he was never found.
You got the same chick from the Tiger King.
What was that chick's name?
Carol Danvers or Carol?
Carol Baskin.
Baskin.
Oh, so Miss Muffin's real identity is Carol Baskin.
Okay.
Fair husband to the tigers.
All right, fun fact, Police Dick lost his left testicle in Desert Storm.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the Dummy Master and my fun fact is a few contemporary
names such as Jessica, Olivia, and Miranda are credited as to have been created by William
Shakespeare.
Oh.
Elizabeth?
Romantic.
Jessica, Olivia, and Miranda are credited as to have been created by William Shakespeare.
Why do I feel like I've heard that on a song before?
That's weird.
It's before they even created names.
Celebrities are bad at making names these days.
Northwest.
They just pick directions.
It's literally about the same.
They just pick directions.
What did you say?
Northwest.
Or Shakewell, Zill, Murphy.
So where we left off.
On a boat.
If you couldn't guess it, I was going to say that.
We were on a boat.
We were on a ship.
A boat.
A big boat.
Boats and hoes.
You were attacked by the Lords of Lions while escaping Rebels Inn with Prisoner 13.
And they failed.
And they definitely failed because you killed them all.
The body still littered the ship.
Prisoner 13 has probably got about an hour before she wakes up from you guys putting her
unconscious so you have time to do what you need to do before you have time to question
her.
So what would you guys like to do?
Steal all the shit on their ship.
That ship is still attached?
No.
Give me athletics or acrobatics checks.
Because you're going to have to jump over to this thing unless there's anything special
you want to do to try to make it easier to get across.
That is 15 plus 7.
19.
14 plus 4.
17.
17?
14 plus 6.
Were you two acrobatics I'm assuming?
Yes.
Mine's athletics.
Same here.
So yeah, you Flea Stick and Duke just kind of do a good run and jump and leap over to
the other side of the ship as you guys kind of acrobatically run across the hooks and
stuff.
I do a back flip.
Okay, yeah, you do a back flip.
I do a back flip?
For some reason.
Make me a deck save.
I'm going to back flip on this as you're thrown across.
16 plus deck save?
Is that what you said?
Yeah.
Okay, my bad.
4.
4?
I'm not going to be able to do a back flip for no reason on the hook and then run across
the hook.
Yeah, you guys are on the other side of the ship.
Ted has a flare on.
Yeah, that's had some flare.
That could be bad.
I'm having fun today.
Okay, so as you leap on the top deck of this ship, you can tell this ship is kind of like
older but lots of weaponry.
There's cannons mounted on the front, the sides, the backs of the ship, port, you know,
all that stuff.
I'm going to pick it up.
You're going to pick up the cannon?
Yeah, if I can.
You can!
You're going to be able to pick up a cannon.
It's like an entire cannon.
I mean, I could enchant you with bear or whatever.
I was going to start it onto the other ship.
I put a hole in it.
Probably shouldn't.
Just walk out.
Never mind.
Crash that.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
So you can give it a try if you want.
I just flip it over the end.
I'm going to blow my ass out.
Yeah.
Do the best you can to spend the next week dealing with a hernia.
Bye.
Pink socket.
So yeah, you see that.
You see stairwells that go down towards the innards of the ship.
What would you guys like to do now that you're over here?
Loot it?
Just kind of start looting through all the crates.
All the weapons are pretty plain, Jimmy.
Yeah.
So...
Yes.
I need that trash.
It doesn't look like there's crazy extra special shit in here, but you could find some
loot.
If you all want to give me an investigation check, we'll do an overall roll.
I'll do it, but I want to go down.
Down?
Okay, so you're going to go down like the middle floor?
Yeah.
Okay.
Should I still roll?
You can if you want, but when you get down here you see that this is more of like a bedroom
living area.
Any chests at the foot of the beds or anything?
There are a couple chests in a couple of the rooms, but you can loot them if you want.
Go right ahead and research.
Yeah, give me an investigation.
15. 15, okay.
Did you guys roll for investigation?
I did.
I got a 14.
Okay.
18, I also rolled a 17.
17.
Okay.
19.
19?
Okay, so yeah, you guys all rolled pretty good.
So I'd say in an average through the top layers of the crates, you guys find a lot of like
rations and stuff for food and whatnot.
Yeah.
And then in the middle floor, Duke, when you're down in this like foot hole check in there,
like walker floors and stuff, you find four potions of greater healing.
Nice.
So people have stored in there with their gear.
There is another lower deck if you'd like to go down, but it is up to you.
Sure.
Okay.
You all want to go down or are you going to do anything else up top?
I'll go down.
Going down?
I'm going down.
As you get down here, you see a...
Shit, what the hell?
Computer probably has some scary shit.
Okay, so as you get down here, you step down to this lower area of this ship and it's really
dark, like there's no lights, but then you look towards like the back of the ship and
you just see this faint glow, like kind of shimmering and flickering in the back of the
ship.
But that is what you see.
And there are like barrels and crates and all kinds of stuff.
Looks like a big storage area.
There's probably some pirate room.
Dookie Crystal, we yell out the stairs.
Approach the glow cautiously.
Approach the glow.
Okay, so make me a perception check, Dookie.
Because you know he's ignoring Miss Muffin yelling from the top of the stairs.
I came down.
What's this?
You know he's still ignoring you.
18.
18?
Yeah.
Did I tell you to go perception?
Okay, yeah.
So as you get closer, you hear this like almost not like a beeping, but a faint just like
sh-ting-ting, sh-ting-ting, sh-ting-ting, like kind of like metal clacking and like some
like little fire igniting as you start getting closer.
Oh shit.
I'll peek around the corner, I guess.
We'll give it a little look at it.
I'll peek around the corner?
So yeah, when you peek around the corner, you see this like big huge like contraption
attached to this door.
And on the other side of the door, you see this big glowing light like flickering bright
red, like just, sh-ting, sh-ting, sh-ting.
And the more you get closer, the louder you hear it start to like beep.
And like flicker off and like go fast.
You see the flame like in there, the light keep flickering faster the closer you're getting.
Say what's the corpse at the door?
Get on that.
And it's on the door.
Yeah, it's like there's a big door there that you see and it's like attached to the door,
but the flickering is coming from the other side of the door.
But you can tell that that's on the door.
So they got someone trapped in there and they're trying to like get someone's attention.
They put a motherfucking claymore on the door for when they open it, we get glasses to fucking
know nothing.
A fantasy style claymore.
Essentially, that's what it sounds like.
But it's a stupid one because they put a loud ass audible beep on it.
Well, you heard good.
Good perception, Jake.
You heard good.
What kind of latch we got on this door?
It looks like somewhat like a normal door.
It's just got like this big bar across the front with a, what do you think I could push?
A little latch push.
But obviously you can see that there's like a container or something like attached to it.
And then the flickering from the other side.
Anybody got a long stick?
There is plenty of stuff.
Maybe a javelin or a spear or something.
I have a cane.
Maybe a little short.
See if we can push the door open enough to activate the bomb and not be within like kill range of the blast.
I don't see any other way.
That's why I said we threw a corpse at the door.
We could, yeah.
You'd like to go back up.
You guys are kind of, I mean you got, it took you about three days I think is what it was to get two rebels in.
So I mean you are on the sea for a good, you know, three days until you get back.
So it's not like you guys are going to rush.
This ship is literally attached to you guys.
So unless something crazy happens and Captain Craig like loses control, like you, yeah, you don't have to like hurry and rush and hurry.
You can go up and get a body and bring it over and do your roles.
But if that's what you'd like to do.
So we're sailing?
Yeah, you guys are moving.
Because they were still attached to you guys while you guys were moving.
I'm a little bit worried about this.
Because the hook is like, they're hooked to you like they're boarding you guys.
And you guys just jumped across, put the hook still in.
Back flipped.
Sorry, this one, back flipped across.
So, yeah.
I'm going to go ahead and drink one of my potions.
Take it ready for an explosion just in case.
Yeah, I'm going to be half healthy.
You all can do your own things too.
I mean if there's other stuff you want to do or if you want to work as a team to do something else, you know, we won't want to do that.
I'm going to stand back and away from this situation because Ms. Muffins is waiting to get it.
Are you guys wanting to do the throw a body at it plan?
Yes.
I'm cool with that.
I'll help toss it.
You cool with that?
Everybody cool with that.
Yeah, now I'll stay up here on top of the staircase because I already made it back up to the top.
And I'll just watch from here.
Okay, so whoever is going to go back across to your ship to get a corpse, give me an athletics check or an acrobatics check to jump back to your ship.
Hey, yeah.
18 plus 6.
18 plus acrobatics.
Okay, so yeah, you're able to fucking do your thing.
Run across that hook and jump over to the other side, swing on a rope like a pirate.
But yeah, you get over there and there's plenty of corpses to choose from.
You guys killed lots of boys in the Alliance group, so.
But you are over there by yourself currently.
So would you like to just yank one up and jump?
I don't think I'm strong enough for that.
It will be a strength check for sure instead of acrobatics.
Because you will be trying to jump across with a person.
I'm already up so I can walk over and be like, go toss that guy to me and I'll try and catch him.
Okay, one.
I'm trying to toss it over there.
We can try.
Or you can give it a try.
I mean, if we don't make that one, there's plenty of other ones to try.
Okay, give me a strength check Archie.
See if you can toss it.
Natural 20.
Natural 20?
Okay, yeah.
You're expertly able to throw it across and I won't even make Mismuffin roll to try and
catch it or anything because you got a nat 20.
So yeah, you throw a body across that lands in Mismuffin and you're able to catch the body.
Catch it, focus it.
And you can jump across the ship without a roll with your nat 20.
There's not much else I can give you there on that one.
Do you see me?
Yeah, you got your bottle?
Now, Duke, are you taking over to carry and throw?
For a game.
Because you probably have a better chance.
So yeah, give me a strength check to throw this body at this thing.
Is it unlatched?
The door?
Yeah.
It's definitely closed.
I'm locked up with this bottom thing strapped to it.
I feel like I'm just going to throw the body at the door and it's just going to bounce off
the door.
Well, we can see if it's motion activated.
You know it's motion because you got close.
The closer you got, the longer it would be.
That's true.
Alright, strength check on throwing the corpse.
Let's see.
19.
19?
Plus you have 5.
Okay, yeah.
So you're actually able to throw this body.
You throw it so hard that you see the door crack before the beeping starts getting louder
and then you see this huge explosion.
Like the whole door and the floor of the ship just blows out.
And you see water start to fill in through that hole and it just exploded through the
bottom layer of the ship.
Oh, fuck.
Nice.
You can see some shinies on the other side of the door, but the ship is filled with water.
I'm going in for it.
Who's going in for it to try and grab what they can?
I'm going to try.
Okay, so three of you.
Ms. Muffin, you stay up top for assistance if anything goes extra wrong.
Ms. Muffin saw what happened and immediately ran and jumped to the other side.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Give me an acrobatics check for that.
No, I know.
She won't ever share the door.
That one.
Are you serious?
Yes.
Okay, so you run.
She gets it for abandoning your party.
I'm holding on to the rope.
Guys!
You're panicking and you run and you jump and you fall.
You miss off this railing and you fall straight between the ships and you start getting like
sucked towards the bottom.
Give me a deck save now that you're being pulled like towards the bottom of these ships.
She's going to die.
Oh, God.
Seven plus four.
Eight, nine, ten, eleven.
So eleven.
Okay, so yeah.
You start getting sucked like under this other ship and you see like the hole where it's
busted through and then they are seeing the hole.
They just see you go, ah, right past the hole and the ships are moving.
You're stuck in the water for a bit.
They're not supposed to suck her through.
She's going to be like, fuck the bitch.
You're moving against the treasure.
The rest of you, what would you like to do?
Because I'll say you have like in this moment it's all happening fast.
So you see like Miss Muffin going by and then it's you guys have your turn to do something.
Well, if she had been doing the right thing, she would have been right here getting the
fucking loot.
What would you guys like to do?
I'm getting the treasure.
What's your name?
Okay, so give me an investigation role.
Kelly could be an independent woman.
I say this takes like a damn.
Miss Either One.
That's what I get for being greedy.
What'd you get?
A gnat woman.
Me too.
I'm trying to flip the situation.
I got a gnat woman.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, look at that.
He got an A at least.
After he dropped all of his stuff.
Now you can't bullshit.
He literally said what he saw shine just in there.
They can't just disappear.
They're just barracudas.
Okay, so with a double map one, I'll say yeah.
They end up in the hole with me.
Since police distracted us.
Since police think you got a what?
What'd you get?
What was we rolling anyway?
Investigation.
Oh, that's an investigation.
So that's intelligence, your intelligence modifier.
Minus one.
Seven.
No.
I should have even checked.
Okay, so in this moment, all this chaos is happening.
You see Miss Nothing fly through.
And then since we got two gnat ones, you guys aren't able to quick enough find anything that you see good because the water just
expel us just through this fucking hole.
And you see the hole.
It explodes through this hole.
And you see the whole end of the ship filling extremely filled with water.
You're about to be swimming in it.
But with plastic, seven, so I'll at least say that you find a quick explosion of this water.
You're like reaching around and grabbing.
You find like a couple of gems and shit like to maybe sell.
But you don't maybe not get extra good stuff.
So you have another turn, but now you guys are about to be swimming.
So you can continue to search if you want, but it's going to get dangerous.
So yeah, that's up to you.
Miss Muffin, if you want to make a strength check to come back to start or to try to keep yourself like five.
No, you don't.
Yeah.
How to roll.
Awesome.
Kelly, Miss Muffin, with what I just rolled because I had something set up for someone enters the water, you start to see this thin.
Don't don't don't start to pop up in the water as flailing around with fresh blood all over you from the murders you just did.
But oh, my God.
So yeah, can I roll animal handling?
I'm on fucking right.
You got to get out to the rescue in the ship.
You guys are in the ship still.
So I mean, if you want to jump through the hole to try to get out of the ship before you're trapped in the ship, that's fine.
But there's a lot of water like, yeah, it wouldn't be so scientifically.
So you have options of continue to try to search, but then you're going to be trapped in more water or to try to work your way out of the ship.
Yeah, I'm going to try to get the hell out of here.
Get out of here.
Okay, so then everybody give me strength checks to try to push through this water to get out of there.
13 plus two, 15.
Me too.
13.
Not 20.
So you guys are able to push through this water.
It's like see Archie kind of like plug this little hole for a second as you guys are walking through it and he pushes through.
And you guys are able to kind of navigate through the top of the ship or the bottom of the ship here as it's filling with water.
You get to the top if that's where you're planning to go all the way to.
I'm assuming you get the hell out.
But you get to the top, make me your checks to jump back across unless you're doing anything else.
16.
Okay.
16 as well.
18 plus four.
Okay, yeah, you guys are expertly able to jump back across, but you notice obviously Miss Muffin's not on the ship.
So I'm guessing turn around and go get Miss Muffin.
Captain Craig will flip it around, but you guys have a ship attached to you.
So it's not like you can expertly spin around.
Cut the ropes.
Give me attack rolls, all of you, for you whacking these ropes.
Kelly.
Miss Muffin.
Miss Muffin, sorry.
Sorry, Miss Muffin.
Make me a deck save.
17 plus four.
Okay, this shark comes fucking charging at you with the smell of blood.
You're able to kind of like do the whole push the nose and wiggle out of the way.
But you can definitely see that your guys up there just whacking away at this rope trying to get going.
But you just have to survive until they can get to you.
So yeah, you expertly dodged the shark that round.
Holy shit.
Is a 13 enough to beat the ropes armor close?
Yes, yes.
The rope isn't that strong.
I put four plus eight.
Four plus eight.
So you were not able to actually cut through one of the ropes.
I'll say there's two big boarding ropes stuck in it.
How far out am I from their ship?
Pretty far out now.
Like do they have any typhoon thingies they can shoot out to me?
Typhoon.
Typo.
Typhoon.
Explain to me what a typhoon is.
Typhoon.
What?
Harpoon.
Do you know what a tiger bell is?
Two entirely different things.
They could have a harpoon at you, I mean I suppose they could.
A tarpoon.
Harpoon.
The best bet is for them to be able to stop the ship and get turned around.
I have a pike.
I have a pike like a spear.
I can throw you a pike.
What was all of your attack rolls?
You did not hit Archie.
Duke was able to hit.
Mine was 13.
What did you get, Fleece Duke?
A six.
A six?
You did not hit.
So, Duke, give me a damage roll.
Let's see.
You're probably going to die.
Eight.
Pretty good damage.
Okay, so you whack at it and you hit this rope and you see it like splinter and rip and
a bunch of these threads tear but they're still attached.
Still a small bit of the attach.
So, you all need to give me another attack roll if you're going to whack me again.
Kelly, give me another deck stand.
God damn it.
15.
Plus four.
Okay, you beat him in his charge attack.
So, you miss the shark again as if it comes at you for another fight.
I am good at dodging things.
16.
I'm about to hit.
16?
Yes, definitely.
What do you got?
16 as well.
I had two plus eight.
Two plus eight?
Ten.
That will not cover the rope's extreme armor.
Let's see, I have nine on damage.
Okay, yeah, you were able to whack through that first rope and it breaks free.
What did you get on your damage, Fleece Duke?
Your dragon slugger sword on the center.
Oh, shit, sorry.
And your swing net sword.
I think I rolled three net 20s so I'm probably not going to roll this at all.
Yeah, you're tired.
Old man had a burst of energy and now he's tired.
Four, five, six, seven.
Seven.
Seven damage?
Okay, that will not cut it.
Same with Duke's first swing on his.
It tears a bunch of the threads but there's still one going.
How much longer until it takes our ship down with it?
That's why we're cutting the ropes.
Yeah, it's already getting really gross.
I know, it's longer.
Well, one rope's already cut so it ain't got much left.
How many ropes were in there?
Yeah, give me another attack roll.
Sweet.
And a deck save.
How many ropes?
Just two.
Yeah.
I'm totally going to get it now.
19 plus four.
It probably snapped from the leaves.
You dodge the shark once again.
You don't want to eat it.
I got a 15 plus eight.
Yeah, give me damage.
All of you can roll a hit if you want again.
If they miss, they're all broken.
Eight damage.
Eight damage?
Okay, yeah, you tear through it.
It's cut.
No, so it'll blow it out.
So, Captain Craig starts to pull off and spin around, but Kelly, make me a deck save.
And are you guys doing anything to try and help Kelly get out of the water?
I'm just watching.
Hello?
Hey, is there a dead body on deck?
Do you have a rope?
Yeah.
I'm going to stab it a bunch of times.
Get it all bloody and throw it overboard.
Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
Why don't you just draw in more fucking sharks.
Don't chow the water.
That fucking brings it all to shore.
I'm going to get it.
Don't chow the water.
That fucking brings it all to shore.
I rolled really high to see how much blood is going to be in this water to distract the
sharks.
And I rolled really high.
So there's a lot of blood and you definitely see more sharks coming in.
You stand on the fucker's liver.
The shark is distracted for a minute, so it's not going to attack you, but you see more
sharks coming.
They will devour that corpse very quickly.
Give me your strength check.
And then they'll be on the ship.
As it's coming back towards you.
Not all of them are going to get to you.
Okay.
So I'm going to push hard and swim past a bunch of fucking frenzied sharks just mauling
on this dead corpse and climb back up on the ship as it flies by you.
Okay, so I don't need to use my rope?
You don't need to.
Now she's got a match on her.
We're good.
I kick her back into the water.
So you know.
All right.
Holy shit.
That worked out.
Okay.
Look at that roach.
She just won't die.
What the fuck, man?
Yeah, you guys climb back up onto the ship and you are fucking barely making it by the
skin of your teeth on that one with the ship being pulled down.
I don't have skin on my teeth.
Sorry.
Not at all.
So you guys are on the ship and within all this shit happening, prisoner 13 is starting
to awake.
So you guys got your loot.
You got your fucking gems and you got rations to keep yourselves alive another day.
But prisoner 13 is waking up.
So what would you guys like to do?
She is.
I think you guys handcuffed her.
Didn't you?
Before you left, you guys I'm pretty sure cuffed her out.
Yeah, she's all good.
Do you have any magic power spells charms that keep her from being able to use hers?
What does she have?
Give her a sandwich.
Yeah, it's called a flea match to the noggin.
So yeah, she's waking up and she kind of hears this little conversation behind her and she
goes, oh, fuck.
Okay, shit.
I am not in Roseanne anymore.
What the fuck happened?
You're like, are you going to hurt us or not?
Because I'm scared.
You see this like magic on her arm start to flare up.
She goes, I will definitely fucking hurt you.
Why did you do that?
I cracked a bitch in the head hard.
You hit her in the head hard?
Yeah, like you just fucking clawed her.
The knuckle fucking clawed her.
Let's do this.
Are you unarmed?
I'm not trying to kill her, but I'm trying to hit the fucker.
Just knock her out.
So give me an unarmed strike.
I was going to mace her.
Oh.
I might miss my punch.
I can't kill her.
Is a hand going to hit?
No, it does not.
So, yeah.
Even when she's tied up, wait, I should have a vengeance.
You see this magic on her arm kind of flare up and flicker and kind of like blow it off
and you see the weapon come down and it kind of just shields like this magic shield kind
of pops up.
But then she's like, she kind of falls down to the ground like weak because of this anti-magic
armor thing she's got strapped to her butt.
Second punch.
I mean, if she's looking weak, how many times can you pop a fish in her?
Give me another unarmed attack then.
That's so quick.
Second punch.
18 to hit.
Yeah, so that one will hit.
Knocked out.
Is she knocked out?
No, she just went in less down until her equipment fucking bounced.
So yeah, you punch her in the mouth and she goes, okay, yeah, I guess that was worked.
She said okay.
She goes what's going on though?
Why am I here?
Why did you take me out of Rebels Inn?
Because who are you fucking people?
Why did we take her again?
I can't remember either.
Because someone told us to.
We were told to bitch and you're not going to hurt us.
She's like what the fuck?
Because someone told you to?
I almost drowned in this.
We think we're on a job where we had to get in there.
Yeah.
What's happening?
Roll me a history check.
I have gaps in my memory.
I have no history points.
17.
Four.
A 10.
Okay, Miss Muffin, you remember that you were sent here by Varan Axe...
What'd you get?
Oh, an Axebreaker.
I got an Axebreaker too.
19.
19?
Okay, yeah, so Archie and Miss Muffin, you remember that you were sent here by Varan
Axebreaker to get Prisoner 13 to unlock...
What happened really?
To find the key to the Golden Vault.
Yeah.
So what happened, what it looked like was Archie goes...
Hunter again.
Yeah, I bring her back and I say where the fucking key at?
Oh yeah.
Speaking of his fart, Axebreaker, that's why we're here.
Yes.
So what are you guys saying to her about what you're saying?
What are we here for?
Can we tell her that?
Yeah, you're here for Axebreaker?
I said you hear Archie's toot over there?
That reminded me.
We're here for Axebreaker.
We're here to break your ass.
We're here for Axebreaker.
She goes, oh fuck, so the Varan sent you, Axebreaker claim.
They want their key again.
I don't know what you mean about a fucking key.
You're their key.
I'm the key.
It must be in your body, we're gonna have to cut you open.
No, no, we didn't do that.
She goes, I've been asked about this vault and key before and I'm assuming you did know
where the key might be.
She goes, but what would be in it for me if I knew where the key was?
Life.
Listen to me, I've lived a lot of life and I've got a lot of power because this collar
is just blocking my power a little bit.
She goes, but by God, I can get this thing off.
If I want to get this thing off, I try hard enough.
Smack.
Because I'm flattered that you care, but I can't tell you where this key is unless I
know that I'm just gonna get my own share of this thing.
Then you're gonna have to tell Axebreaker that you're damn self, we're taking you there.
Punch her in the face again.
Torture.
Roll me a intimidation duke and roll me persuasion mismuthin.
19 plus five.
11 on intimidation.
Well, you beat her power level.
So yeah, she kind of looks at you guys and she goes, all right.
She goes, that one over there, he looks like he doesn't fuck around.
I'm like, what do you do?
He doesn't.
And she goes, and you seem like you have way too much energy and it's honestly fucking
hurting my head.
I love to win.
It's honestly fucking hurting my head.
Me too.
She goes, listen, guys, I'll tell you what the key is.
That's why I'm crazy.
The key is right here and she shows you her arm and the magic that flares up in her arm.
Chops her arm off.
I guess we could have guessed it was her arm.
Yeah, she goes, this is the key.
My arm is the key.
This magic imbued in my arm is a key.
She goes, this unlocks the vault.
That's the only thing that will unlock the vault.
Then why'd you lie?
Why'd you sit there and lie this whole time?
It was fuck you, that's why.
Well, fuck you.
I don't really want to die, so it's like I got the key, so here's your answer.
Is it the arm or is it you?
The tattoo.
The tattoo is imbued with magic that is unlocking the key.
Okay, wait.
So then, whatever, when we take you there, you unlock this vault.
What's in the vault?
What's going to happen?
She goes, pretty much treasures from what the Axebreaker clan has gathered.
I stole their treasure.
They told you that.
I'm sure they told you that.
No, they didn't.
They did it.
Kelly, with the history check, you remember that he did tell you that she stole it.
That's why he wants her.
So yes, she says, I'm sure he told you that I stole the treasure.
That's why you guys have come for me.
That's why he sent you.
Because they're a bunch of pussies and can't get to themselves.
Yeah.
And we're tough.
Honestly, you guys fought hard and you made an enemy of the Lords of Alias.
Yeah, we're playing awesome.
That's not cool.
That's not okay.
You guys are going to have to deal with that when you deal with that.
But yeah, so what are we going to do about this?
Can I speak command and command her to go lock this door for us?
I mean, you can do command if you want, but I think that's more like halt or flee or stop.
And she can't because she's wearing her collar.
You can try to talk to her like that if you want to persuade her to open the key for you instead of Varen.
Is that what you're meaning?
Like you want her to take you to the vault instead of going to Varen?
Or are you saying will she work with Varen to open the vault?
Because that can be two different...
What does she want to do?
Would you rather us take you to Varen, have you open the vault for Varen, Assbreaker, or do you want to open the vault for us?
She says definitely don't want you to get the treasure, but I would rather share the treasure with you guys than with the Assbreaker clan.
Why the fuck are we asking this bitch what she wants?
Because she has the key!
She is our fucking prisoner.
We can chop her goddamn arm off and take the key to the place.
It won't work.
It's a tattoo, it ain't her, it's the tattoo.
But how do you know the tattoo don't need a life sword?
She goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, she goes, oh I'll stick my dick in her arm and it's got a life sword.
She goes, oh the key on my tattoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll only work if it's a life sword.
She's lying, she's always lying.
That don't mean I can't torture the fuck out of her.
Roll insight.
Can we cut a fairytale off and see if the tattoo still works?
15 plus 1.
16.
16?
Yeah.
You got a crypt family insight?
Mm-hmm.
Duke, you believe that this magic might have to work with her attached to it, but you can
think that this magic will not work if her arm is cut off.
Because she's always lying.
Why you always lying?
She is a liar.
Can I roll?
She's got magic, she's got power.
What?
Can I roll as well?
Sure.
I already rolled, but 19 plus 4.
19 plus 4, yeah, you guys don't believe her, but Duke, I know you would cut her arm off
easily, so it doesn't make sense that you wouldn't believe her.
So I'm going to say with your poor roll and insight, you don't know what to make of this
magic.
You're confused, but you can do what you please.
Because I can't really stop you from doing that.
Still leaning on torture.
Yes, yes, on torture.
Or just breaking fingers and, you know, maybe pulling off a finger nail.
She goes, listen, listen, guys, you guys are fucking insane.
I can already tell that.
She goes, but the Axebreaker clan, they're going to kill me.
She goes, fucking take, I will take you to the vault.
But you have to be ready to deal with the Axebreaker clan, because they are going to
be guarding where they, when they find out what we're doing, they're going to be coming
after you guys.
You just said they're a bunch of pussies.
Yeah, they are pussies.
And that we're pretty tough.
You just said.
But I just wanted you guys to know that.
You're making enemies with the Lords of Lions and the clan, and I'm for that.
I say fuck them all.
Let's take everything and let's fuck them all.
So let's do it.
Let's do it.
Kissing ass.
She's like, let's do it.
Let's fucking go to the vault.
Let's do it.
Let's take this shit so when the Axebreaker clan comes to you, they'll have their treasure.
So is that what you guys want to do?
Well, he's going to check the place out.
And then we'll decide whether they get the treasure.
Yeah, we're going to tell you all we want to do so.
Whether they get it or we get it.
I'm just saying, we could cut her arm off and see if that works.
I got the mending spell.
If it don't work, I'll just mend her arm back together.
Oh, true.
We'll just torture her and she agrees.
We can wait until we get there.
She's agreed.
She's agreed to go with you guys.
She's agreed.
You don't have to cut her arm off.
Don't torture her.
She's agreed.
Don't torture her, Dan.
We could still cut her arm off.
I don't know.
I want her arm, but not her.
That's up to you guys.
I can't hear her to do that.
So what is the plan?
Are you going to...
We're going to the vault.
She's taking us to the vault.
You guys can, yeah, so you can push her aside and have your own huddle if you want, but...
We don't know where the vault is.
She knows.
No, we said lead the way, Rich.
She knows.
So she is going to take us to the vault.
So I'm guessing you're leaving her like magic locked up and handcuffed.
Oh yeah.
I'm going to watch her 24-7 and I'm going to talk to her.
I'm going to say don't make me talk to you.
Captain Craig kind of walks up and he goes, so are we not going back to Ashbreaker Clan?
Because what's the plan here?
Because we're supposed to go back to Ashbreaker Clan.
He's like, they sent us.
We can do it.
We fucking won.
That's the plan.
Captain Craig, this is the one that's Sid that broke you out when you were...
Captain Craig.
You're probably fucking lying.
That's what you just say on the goddamn ship, shit, you motherfucker mouth.
Roll the intimidation.
That's a 19 plus one.
Yeah, so Captain Craig goes, oh, fuck, damn it, damn it, damn it.
He's not good.
He's not good for a ship.
He goes, fuck it, fine.
He goes, I will do with you guys what I got to do.
He goes, I hope I get some money out of this, some treasure at least.
Yeah.
Of course.
He goes, hey, mutiny, you keep your shit.
We love you, Captain Craig.
We love you, man.
He goes, you guys fought pretty fucking hard, killed a lot of Lord's Alliance.
I think I might love you guys too.
He goes, Miriam, keep the spell going.
And Chadwick, oh, Chadwick's dead.
He goes, Merlo, you've been promoted.
You're now Boiler Room Specialist.
And Merlo kind of like happily runs down there as Chadwick goes to the vice vice.
You've been promoted.
But Prisoner 13 is put below.
You're now one of my elite employees.
So Prisoner 13 is taken down and put into Chadwick's old room, locked away.
And the rest of you are able to explore and go to your rooms if you'd like to rest and do so as you travel to your next location.
I would love to go to my room.
Yes, we need to rest.
Check on Hazel.
She's been alone for so long now.
She's been with you.
No.
Oh yeah, you did leave her behind so she wouldn't be...
If she was with me, she'd be in the ocean still.
Well, I don't remember you...
Shark food.
She would have been rolling for two.
I guess did you leave her behind before you went to the Rebels Inn?
She's in my room now.
So yeah, she's waiting for you.
So...
Star of Death, do you leave her alone?
No, I got her.
Cap and Crate took care of her.
So...
Long rest?
Yeah, you guys can take a long rest if you would like to do so.
So, you guys go to your rooms to take your rest and sleep your gashes and wounds and splashes from the water away.
So, as you all kind of lay down and get your rooms settled, anything special you're doing before you go to sleep?
Nout them tubes.
You've been holding them in all day, you gotta let those out.
Yeah.
Anything else other than what, Maggot Toots?
She shits her bed.
She actually shits her bed. This is shits.
No, dude, don't.
You gotta roll.
Yeah, actually roll.
For forcing out all those farts.
For the Constitution save for forcing out your farts.
Ah, that's so mean.
You might have a fucking, you know, an accidental projectile.
I never have.
We'll see.
13 plus 3.
Alright, you're able to not shit yourself.
It's a good roll.
You got lucky.
Just gas.
I don't have gas.
Just gas.
No shit.
So yeah, as you guys kind of lay down to your, start getting laid down for your rest, Duke Crystal.
Oh boy, Duke Crystal.
Turns out you did shit.
You don't have to make me a saber, nothing.
So, you're laying down and are you holding your sword like you, I know that for a little bit you were like,
sleeping with the sword.
Definitely next to me.
Yeah, so you're laying next to it and this sword literally just floats up to the middle of the room.
And you hear the voice and it's like, Duke, Duke, oh shit, Duke, Duke, accept me, Duke.
You need to accept me now or shit's gonna get real bad, dude.
And you hear like physical blows happening inside this sword.
Like the sword is fighting something inside of itself.
So what you do is you're just going down.
Fuck it, why not?
You hear, he goes, oh fuck yeah, thanks, Duke.
Then you hear like blows just like continuing inside this thing.
Like gashes and screams and roars of like violent executions and blood flying.
And then everything in your room just goes black.
Like it's all black.
And you see the sword floating at the end of this like black lake.
You just gonna walk forward or what are you gonna do here as you see this?
Walk on the lake like Jesus.
Yes, you are Jesus right now.
No, he's not Jesus.
As you're getting closer to this sword, you're just hearing this like voice getting like louder and louder and louder.
Do you reach out and grab the sword?
Yeah.
Okay, so you reach out and you grab this sword.
And your whole right arm just instantly becomes black.
Like it's just like black necrotic like forces coming over your arm.
And the sword is not able to be removed from your hand any longer.
Like it is attached to you.
And as you hear this voice inside your head, he goes, Duke, the forces that brought you here, they're fucking mad.
Because you are pushing forward through what they don't want you to find.
He goes, this motherfucker is strong.
He somehow got inside of me inside of the sword and was fighting me trying to stop me from helping you get powerful.
Because the Duke, you are powerful now.
And like you look up into the like look at the sword and inside of the sword, you see like yourself inside the sword like inside.
You see like a Duke inside there.
We are one.
You're inside me and I'm inside you.
So get ready, Duke.
It's going to get real fun.
Now, as you lay down with your sword attached to your hand, just another personality.
So yeah, shit's getting wild.
So who was in the sword?
Assbreaker?
Necro.
Some kind of entity of some sort.
Never really found out what it is.
Because you said the person if you keep seeking what you're looking for or whatever.
And the souls of all the people he's slain.
Yes.
Well, you guys didn't actually do anything.
Why not?
But what Duke heard is basically from the sword is it's fighting the thing that brought you guys to this world.
Whatever. Remember when you first got put in the tornado, you saw a guy standing there and then four other ones and then you were transported.
And we've been here so long.
Yeah, because they were coming at us on horses or something.
Yeah, you saw them kind of standing in the tornado when you were pulled in and then it was like they came through.
So yeah, that whatever that is, you can tell something big bad is fighting the sword demon entity thing inside of it.
So yeah, you laid out for your uneasy long rest.
But it's with a permanently attached sword.
Yeah, with a permanently attached sword on your side.
Your side or right?
Right.
And you have to pee with your left hand now.
Oh, God.
You have to learn how to read.
I can pee with the sword.
You just like just gently lift from the bottom.
That's the safe edge.
Be very careful when you check.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The shake, that's more of a gently sit it down and then like just the body after.
This is what being DS4 is explaining how you pee if you have a sword attached to your hand.
Yes, a curse sword that wants blood.
You do not want to graze your dick.
It will suck it dry like mummy penis.
Realistic thinking.
Okay, so everyone takes their long rests.
The rest of you have a perfectly fine sleep through the night.
Sleep sticks, cuddle in his shield, his garbage can shield.
I'm cuddling Hazel.
Cuddling Hazel in her cheese.
I don't know.
Yeah, you awake the next morning and you all step out and you guys all see, unless you
did something to hide it, other than.
How the fuck am I supposed to hide a permanently attached sword?
You walk out and you see Duke's usual outfit, but his whole arm is just like this necrotic
black.
It looks almost like a glove that slipped all the way over my sword and up my eye.
It had been custom made.
You see this all happening and you see it attached to Duke's hand and the black just
all formed together.
I'm going to say, oh yeah, makes sense.
That's Duke stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, you guys are pretty rock and roll, dude.
Can't drop your weapon.
You can't disarm me.
That's true.
Can't be disarmed.
Literally.
We need to check on her too.
Yeah, so.
I don't even want to.
Yeah, so as you say that, you guys kind of walk up and you kind of go up top with Captain
Craig and you see prisoner 13 just kind of standing and walking about up top.
She goes, yeah, I got out of your room.
I was just, I wanted to make sure this fucking guy was making sure we were going the right
way.
And she was just kind of up top walking around on the upper deck.
He goes, but listen, I haven't done anything.
I'm still wearing your fucking cuffs.
She goes, but I'm trying to direct us.
We're going to get there and we're going to rob these doctors blind.
She goes, I already robbed them blind, but I want them to never be able to get this again.
So if you guys take it and you disperse among yourselves and do what you want.
Hell yeah.
So you guys kind of are starting to see land up here.
And when you come up to the shore, you see just like there's this forest, forest ahead
of you.
And she goes, so what we're going to have to do here is cut through this forest.
There is a like site where we go underground and that is where I've hidden the vault.
Like it is literally in an underground tomb dungeon that I knew no one would find out
in the middle of this forest.
She goes, but there might be some bad shit still in there because I set this place down
for no one to be able to get inside, including myself.
Like there's this shit is set to rig to kill anyone that comes near it.
So we have to be careful when we go inside, but sounds fishy.
Do I still have my arm band for the Lilith?
What?
My Lilith collar.
Yeah.
The doctor Lilith.
You still have that.
You're happy, right?
We'll use it like once in a while things when it was.
Yeah.
You guys, are you ready to just kind of step off and go start making your way towards this
vault?
Try to find the entrance inside.
Okay.
So you trudge through this forest and she's kind of just like, you can tell she's like
rapidly like looking around.
You can tell she's kind of freaking out because she's like making sure she needs to remember
where this fucking place is.
And then you guys are walking and you see this like rock pile, but you see the rock
pile kind of overlaying the ground kind of like a little house.
But she walks up and she goes, Oh, this is it.
This is the entrance.
This is the entrance here.
And you guys kind of step open this door and start to walk down this long dark stairwell.
It just goes deep in the ground.
And she goes, this place, I found it on my own traveling and it's fucked up.
I don't know what was in here.
She was, they worship some weird undead gods or something.
She goes, so it's, it's a fucked up place to be inside of.
She goes, there's some scary shit.
There's some real shit.
There's some not real shit.
So just keep your minds clear and try not to get into any dark things that you hear
because it will get bad for us all.
If you start to get into what's into this place.
So you guys make your way down this long stairwell with eerie this, as you know, that this place
is fucked bad.
Paranoia.
Paranoia roll.
But you get to the bottom and you see these lights, these flames like braziers burning
and along the head, there's this long tunnel that cuts off into the left and to the right
and straight ahead.
The straight ahead looks like it opens into a round circular room.
But you guys decide which way you want to continue on for me to give you a description.
Doesn't she need to tell us where we go?
Yeah, I mean, yes, she can tell you the right way to go, but they're all going to be fucked.
Like she's saying this place is going to be dangerous.
So it's kind of like a maze of sorts.
But if you're wanting to cut through straight to the vault and miss all the extra rooms,
you can.
But if you want to search anything is what I'm saying.
We searched.
That's what I figured.
That's why I was given the option.
So would you like to go left when you enter the hallway, straight ahead or to the right?
To the right is very dark.
Straight, straight, straight.
Which way is the main path?
You would assume straight.
When you look at these like left and right paths, they kind of drop down a smidge.
Like there's like a little stairwell that kind of cuts down and then cuts off to those rooms.
A dark one.
A dark one?
OK, so Duke, make me a perception check as you start to walk into this dark room.
I have dark vision by the way.
OK.
You get the advantage then.
Eight.
What was it too?
Perception?
Perception.
Not good?
A nine.
OK, nine.
So you walk up this like little dark path.
You're trying to feel ahead, but it just feels like an unnatural darkness.
And you keep reaching out and you start to feel like what feels like body parts, but arranged like in this marble.
Like it feels like concrete, but it's like body parts all arranged and formed together right in front of the path, like a huge block of it.
So the path feels blocked by a huge concrete form of bodies.
Strange.
Your sword probably can cut right through it.
Can I channel divinity and turn the undead?
They will all flee from me for 30 feet.
You can try that if you like.
No, don't do that.
You can try that if you like.
Do it.
You want to do it?
Yeah.
Are you going to do it from like the dark hallway where he's at or are you going to move somewhere else like where you want to do this from?
I guess I'll get next to Duke.
OK.
What does that do?
What do I have to do?
Right.
I'm going to try to get the undead.
It says, as an action, you present your holy symbol and speak a prayer censoring the undead.
Each undead that can see or hear you within 30 feet of you must make a wisdom saving throw DC 14.
The creature fails the saving throw.
It is turned for one minute or until it takes any damage.
A turned creature must spend its turns trying to move as far away from you as it can.
So I need to make a wisdom saving throw of what?
14.
OK.
There's a lot of undead.
OK.
So I think only one of them saved.
So the concrete mass that you see there or you couldn't really see, but you felt all of it.
You hear like all of it breaking away and all of those bodies that were massed together start to break free from this like in casing they were in and start to crawl down the hallway away from you.
Except for one standing there.
But you have some kind of unholy undead weird magic going on in this place and you just basically opened up a bunch of undead that were inside of this thing and started to force them to move out of this in casing.
So yeah, you just have a local bunch of them.
And you just kind of hear them just kind of hear them like shuffling and crawling down this hallway behind like a wave review.
Yeah, so I won't make you roll initiative yet because they there's a special thing with them and they're running away from you as well.
So yeah, what would you guys like to do is you kind of hear this thing.
You are just standing there looking not only to see what's happening, but you can hear what's happening.
I am going to put on my cloak of invisibility.
Keep moving towards it.
You keep moving towards it.
OK.
Make me a dexterity save as you take a step towards the one still standing there.
Twelve.
So I think that's the defender.
If you match it, it wins.
I'll say with this actually, since it's a tie, when you step forward, this thing lunges at you and kind of grabs a hold of you.
But when you grab the whole thing and gets in your face, the whole top of its head is just white.
Like there's nothing.
There's no eyes.
There's no mouth.
It just kind of reaches for you and grabs a hold of you.
And then with the equal match, you kind of push it back and it stops and then just stands there and kind of just goes like with looking off into the distance again as you stand still.
So it only attacks when you move.
You can start ascertaining that.
Pretty much, yeah.
You can try to quietly move away if you'd like.
We need Misty step.
Yes, there's something.
Anybody have movement abilities?
Teleportation?
No.
Mad sprint.
You can sprint if you want, but it will pull some towards you, yes.
Or you can try to stealth your way out.
You guys.
Anything.
Anything you want to try.
The rest are kind of crawling down this like tunnel hallway.
I wish I had a bluntening weapon.
I need a bluntening weapon if I want to smash some marble creatures.
I can make a stealth roll.
Slashing over.
See if I can tiptoot into you.
If you want to open the map, you can.
I need to pull out my fleet maze.
Are you trying to like cave in something?
Is that what you want to do?
No, I'm talking about attacking marble creatures.
Slashing over.
Yes.
So what would you guys like to do?
Can I pull out my fleet maze?
Yeah, you can do that.
Keep it equipped.
I could find the visibility cloak on.
Visibility cloak?
How are you going to get out of this predicament though?
I guess I'll do a mad sprint into that dark room.
The hallway that they all ran down?
Yeah.
You guys are just going to sprint towards them?
No.
Okay.
Give me a dex save.
Why not?
You just went past this one.
Let's see, 15.
15?
Okay, so yeah, you expertly dodge those things that kind of lunges for you and run and you
can just start sprinting down this hallway.
But as you start sprinting down this hallway, you hear all these like shufflings on there,
whatever they are, undead, encased creatures like crawling and shuffling towards the end
of this hallway, still moving away.
And then they hear you sprinting and they all just like, you see what the stop, and
then shuffles around and now you hear them coming towards you.
And that's the big mass of them?
Yes, this is where they all were just kind of crawling through.
Yes, the big mass.
Okay.
Yay.
Well, if Leastick catches up with you, they'll keep going away from you.
True that.
Let's just catch up and be, let's just go with them.
I think it's only like one turn or two turns or something.
I don't think it like keeps radiating from them.
Maybe one minute.
Or until it takes any damage.
Oh, so one minute.
Ten turns.
Okay, then yeah, yeah, then yeah, you moved forward.
They would run because it's still.
Yeah.
I guess they would still run.
Just besides that one.
Yeah, they would run no matter what, besides that one, yeah.
So you still have to kind of dodge around him with the deck.
Yeah.
All right, so deck save.
This thing's obviously defending something.
I about had to use my lightning.
Do you want the maps?
Okay, I got the maps.
Five.
I barrel roll past him easily.
Where to do crystal?
Eight plus six.
I guess really only one had to do it because he's only going to attack one of you at a
time.
Oh, true.
So Leastick was running first, so he did get a down hit on you, okay?
Well, actually, what did you get?
Oh, yeah, he grabbed a hold of you and kind of pulls you to the ground.
It just gives you like a headbutt to the forehead, but when he headbutts you, you feel like a
piece of that encasing on him, like hardened to your forehead.
So like when he headbutts you and comes off of you, you've got a piece remaining stuck
to your forehead.
So it's on my gym.
Yeah.
Yes, it hits your helmet and it's stuck right there to your forehead and he does forward
damage to you.
No.
So it's a shell encased headbutt that's now attached to you, a piece of it.
So, be careful getting hit with these guys, they'll be more encased.
So they're infectious, eh?
Okay.
So, yeah, that happens.
So then when he headbutts you and pulls off, then you kind of get up and you're able to
do your dex save again.
Do you want to run by him or attack him or do whatever you want to do?
I just want to get past this guy.
Okay, so give me a dex save.
The rest of you were able to run by, pulled him.
That'd be ten.
Five.
Alright, so you're able to slip past him and start running down this hallway.
And Duke's like running, it's like one of those haunted Han Solo moments.
Like Duke's like running down the hallway and all these zombies and it turns around,
takes off running from all the zombies.
All the undead that are coming.
Flee stick, you come running around with your shell encased forehead and just like hold
up the staff and you see all the zombies shuffle into a halt and start to turn around and
run from you.
And as you cut the corner, you cut the corner you see this open room that has like flora
and flowers and plants and water and lights lit up in all the corners of the room.
And when these undead walk in here, they instantly encase and start hardening again and stop
like right into the edge of the, past the room.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
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Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.