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Viewer warning, use of violence, profanity, rude humor and the portrayal of drug and alcohol
use.
Wow guys, this boat is kind of big.
My name is not Jeff, bitch.
This is the warden speaking.
Send all of the guards and the ships after them now and bring them back alive.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not so average dummies of our world who get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find their way
back home.
Hi, I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin and she's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin loves exploring caves and other underground tunnels.
Splunkers.
Splunking.
Splunkers.
Hey guys, Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact, Archie hates boats.
Oh, yippee.
What a weirdo.
Nate here.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's the 32 year old drug addicted level four barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he enjoyed being Jeff.
I don't think he would have enjoyed it for long though.
It was short lived.
Hey everybody, R2 here, Ryan Tucker.
Here I play as Fleastick Sockjelly
I'm the hobo trash master cleric of the god Rompium, the MacGyver of all things trash
and garbage.
Fun fact, Kurt Cobain definitely had a gun.
Definitely had one.
So did Courtney.
Allegedly.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the dummy master.
My fun fact is that in Switzerland it is illegal to own just one guinea pig because they are
highly social and it's considered animal abuse to have only one.
That's insane.
You're gonna get arrested.
It's illegal.
I like that.
It's illegal.
I can keep some together.
They eat them in some countries.
Well, not in that one.
You can't just have one.
You eat one there, you're gonna have a death penalty.
Yeah, probably.
They'd be like, you better die.
Alright, let's see.
If we can get into the D&D world and survive getting attacked on the ship.
You guys escaped with the prisoner 13 and boarded a ship to get off the island, but
the warden of the prison and rebels end is sending another ship you see coming quick
behind you.
The ship is branded with the symbols of the Lords of Lyons, meaning that you can tell
that it is very strong and it comes fast.
So on this ship, you guys are positioned on the top of this ship, onto the top layer of
the ship.
I don't know the names of this stuff.
The upper deck.
The poop deck.
The port valve.
There is a man standing on the stern with the wheel and he looks down at you guys and
he goes, let's get the hell out of here real quick because they're coming and they got
some firepower with them.
And he's kind of waving his arms and stuff and he says, Miriam, you know what to do.
You go start your little ritual magic and get us cloaked.
So you see this woman kind of standing at the tip of the ship and she's just waving
her hands and there's magic flowing at the tip of the ship.
Just the tips.
It's all in the flows of the motion.
She's just waving her hands and flowing magic and she's performing some sort of ritual.
You see another man on top of the ship.
With you guys.
On top of the ship.
On the upper deck.
Yep.
On the upper deck with you guys standing there.
He looks kind of like he's just a crewman of sorts standing here.
The guard says, uh, fuck the guard.
Is he a deck hand?
Yes, he's a deck hand.
He's a deck hand.
A deck hand.
Yes, he's a deck hand.
The captain of the ship kind of looks at you guys and he says, well, we've got a boiler
room below.
It goes, that thing's going to be protected at all costs.
He goes, I got one of my fellow crew mates down below and he's protecting that.
Remember, if we lose that, we lose all speed because this is a steam engine here.
So we've got to keep that thing going.
And before you know it, you see this ship kind of fucking blowing up next to you and
shoot some hooks.
I'm flying into the side of your ship and you guys are going to be boarded by the Lords
Alliance.
You see, let me see here.
Is this a shadow clown?
These are highly trained Lords Alliance guards and people, yeah, they don't fuck around.
You just broke someone out of their prison.
You see three guards kind of hop up and then you see, well, actually make me a perception
check.
All of us?
All four of you.
Yeah, make me a perception check.
Get your dice out.
What are you thinking?
It's opposite of a favorite.
No, I only rolled a three.
That's number nine.
Plus three.
I only rolled six altogether.
16.
Okay, I rolled absolutely dog shit worse compared to all of you.
So you guys go to, you see this more slinkier, small, still branded with the cloak over it
with the hood up, but it's still got the Lords Alliance brand kind of slinking up onto the
ship real sneaky like.
You can tell that one's different than the guards.
So I need everyone to roll initiative.
No.
17.
Wait, plus what?
I forgot about that again already.
21.
I will be going last.
Two.
No, three.
Sorry.
I also have a 21.
One plus two.
Oh, we both have 21.
But mine's 17 plus four.
Mine's also 17 plus four.
Oh, fuck.
Roll off.
Where do you guys just go first or who wants to go first?
I don't know.
Wait, you have a what?
Roll off.
18 plus four.
Who hits the hardest?
He's first, so we have to, I guess.
So wait, wait, wait.
Archie, you're 21?
Six.
Yeah.
Okay.
Two.
You go first.
I'm going to take, what are you?
13.
13?
Three.
Oh, three.
God.
I told you I'd go last.
Ouch.
Please take, what are you?
Lasty.
You're first in God's eyes.
I got my crit fail out of the way.
The rest of you rolled high.
Duke is still recovering from being my name is Jeff.
So let me see what I got here from my people.
He's a blatant personality, eh?
He's accepted the Jeff into his brain.
Why is there?
It's leaking.
It's leaking into him.
I got Jeff in my brain.
My name not Jeff.
Is my name my name Jeff?
Is it?
What was it before I don't remember?
I'm a dude.
This guy is a dude playing another dude.
Start combat.
Please take, you're first.
Sock jelly.
Yeah, you got four, you got three normal guards and you have a...
Lord of the Alliance spy.
Secretive looking guy.
Please take jock jelly.
It is your turn.
You're up next.
He said jock jelly.
I heard you.
As soon as you said jock jelly I just thought of jock strapped jelly.
He doesn't wear a jock.
Do you?
He snicked jock jelly.
Jock strapped jelly.
It's your turn.
Gooch blob.
No.
What?
Gooch blob.
He said jock jelly.
Gooch blob.
Jock stick jelly.
Alright, mother fudger.
Alright, sacred flame on dude's ass.
Okay, sacred flame on, we'll say, you want to do furthest clothes?
Okay.
See?
Yep.
Go for it.
Roast him.
Right in his ass.
You go for it.
Give me a dex roll.
Okay, we're just going to see what it is.
Okay.
He failed.
He failed big time.
That's a two.
Probably a two plus one.
Super fail.
He's dead.
I was looking out there AC when I was making this.
I was like, hey, I got some decent AC.
I forget.
He don't give a damn out there AC.
Two damage.
Ow.
I just really can't believe he hit some.
Who did that?
I don't know which one that was, but I heard him.
Okay, next up is, I believe Archie Ortiz, yes.
What?
Or Miss Muffin, sorry.
We had a roll off, mister.
It auto put him first, so go ahead.
It's Miss Muffin.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Well, so I'm going to go to the left, and I'm going to dagger him.
Hit and roll.
Dagger him.
But with my plus one dagger, so.
Ooh.
14 plus seven.
Ooh.
That hits.
Plus one.
And then it's a one D four plus five.
Ouch.
Turn your dex down.
So it's increase is more than its base roll.
Six damage.
Okay.
Decent hit.
The first time I rolled it, I accidentally rolled it straight back into its slot in the
case.
That was trippy.
These guys boarded the ship.
He like hops up here, and this one guard, because it's actually the same guard that
Flea Stick had launched a sacred flame at, like he gets hit with like this radiant fire,
and then just gets running up as he's looking.
He gets shaped by a dagger.
He turns around and he goes, we're going to need more help.
And you see some more guards kind of start leaping on.
You see another, it's all being perception checked.
All of us?
Yes.
Leap.
You see a guard leap up from, what the hell is it called here?
13.
The port side, the left side, right next to Flea Stick's sock jelly.
Eight.
13.
I'm like Zorro on one piece.
Okay.
You see another spy slinking up the edge of the ship, because he rolled bad again.
So now you have four guards and two spies aboard the ship, and you hear kind of like
yelling from the other side of the ship kind of pulled up next to you, a larger, bigger
voice just kind of booming over there, yelling and pointing orders.
You know that there's someone else that's maybe a little bit stronger.
But bada-blam, we have more.
Now it is Argie's turn then, unless you want to do anything else, Miss Muffin.
Nope.
Okay, Argie.
The dude wouldn't bump and fetty-wop on his JVL would he?
Yes he was.
Yes, you hear the fetty-wop bumping on his...
He's like, that ain't good.
Alright, well I'm going to go after B.
African B?
Yup.
Okay.
I'm going to hit him with a mace.
Oh yeah, I forgot you had a new weapon, didn't you?
Oh yeah.
11 plus 8.
Is that 19?
11 plus 8?
Yeah.
Dad?
Alrighty.
Here we go.
And that's going to give him 10 damage.
10 damage?
Yes.
To the...
I think that's his run.
10 damage?
Yeah.
DERV-able!
D6 plus 6.
DERV-able!
Okay, anything else?
You did land your hit, so...
Then I can do an unarmed strike for a bonus attack.
Correct.
Correct, mister.
Let me roll for that.
12.
Two hit?
12 plus anything, or is it?
No, it's just 12.
So 6 plus 6.
Oh, okay, yeah, no.
That would not hit.
Ah, a fan.
But your mace came down hard and cracked him right in the face, and he is definitely pouring
blood.
Nice.
So, next up would be Captain Craig.
So let me roll something for old Captain Craig driving the ship.
I'm so sorry.
My brain thought of a way to help you guys, but the dice gods decided a critical failure
was more important.
Oh, Captain Craig.
Wow.
So, Captain Craig, he goes, don't worry, boys, I've got some help here.
I'm going to throw him off.
And he goes, like, yanks the wheel super hard to try and yank this ship, and you feel like
the whole left side of the ship start to crack and break a little bit from the hooks being
yanked into it.
That's the side of it?
Yeah, the pork side.
You feel like the wood's starting to give a little bit, but it's like tearing a small
hole in the side of the ship where he tried to yank away from it.
And failed ethically, incredibly badly.
So next up is Chadwick, which is going to hide in the boiler wrench, though.
Merlot.
So what is Merlot's stuff here real quick?
I can't figure out who I'm using him as.
I don't know what I got.
Okay, so Merlot looks at this Garg fan ahead of him and he goes, you really don't want
to attack little ol' me, do ya?
And fails incredibly at trying to charm this guy with his enthralling panache.
And does nothing else and realizes that he just fucked up.
Because he don't have much to do.
Miriam is going to continue rolling her attack.
She has not been hit, so you don't have to do a concentration save.
It is the Spy's turn.
This is Spy, like, A or something.
So it is going to make a hand crossbow shot at Flea Stick Sock Jelly.
It has a 5 plus 4.
Poopy ass poopy bow's not gonna hit it.
Your dice needs to go in the jail.
It makes a multi-attack.
It's gonna shoot again with its second crossbow.
It fucking fails even worse.
Yeah, your dice needs to go in the jail, sir.
I know, they might go to jail.
They're fucking doing ass.
Next up is the other Spy, who is going to whip around the corner and try to take a dagger
short sword stab at Duke Crystal.
You know how this is gonna go, baby.
Death for you.
12 plus 4.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh yeah.
Okay, 1d6.
6 plus 2.
Max damage.
Good deal.
So 6 plus 2 damage to you, and that's the first hit.
Multi-attack.
14 plus 4 hit.
1d6 plus 2 damage.
6 plus 2.
That's a double max damage roll.
Sick, nasty.
That Lord of the Alliance spy did some good work on you, Dookie.
He's a little guy.
He's able to slip around you.
That's his little guy fights big guy.
Uh, jeez.
All these Lord of the Alliance guys rolled good.
Duke, you're gonna be fucking last.
Yes.
Lord's Alliance Guard A is going to move his full movement speed, which is 30 feet, which
he can do right up to Miriam.
And he's going to take a melee attack.
No!
I forgot we were supposed to protect her and I should have ran out there.
16 plus 4 is a big hit.
Okay.
8 plus 2.
10 damage.
I hope she's tough as fuck and shit.
Well, I'm going to be honest with you.
I don't think she is.
10 damage.
Oh no, she's tougher than I thought.
She's tougher than I thought I gave her.
Please take heal art.
But she is definitely hurting.
You see her kind of like flints in pain and kind of try to flex the magic to keep it going
and as she stands there and took that smoke from him.
We're in trouble.
We got another guard.
On a boat.
In trouble on a boat.
So this is the guard that is on art.
This is the one that boat Miss Muffin.
You ran up and stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck.
That's how I do.
You actually stuck once.
You didn't stuck once.
That's how I do.
He is going to miss.
I ran up and stabbed him and said I'm on the boat.
He's going to miss.
Miss badly again because my dice are sucking so hard today.
The other guard's turn.
Yeah baby, it's guard after guard after guard after guard.
Please take sock jelly.
This is the one on you.
He's going to take his swing at you with Halberd.
That's a fucking three again.
Don't I get retaliation.
Get rid of it.
Give me my Dragon Ball dice.
I'm just going to.
Your freaking turn finally.
Good.
I'm going to rage.
You're going to rage, okay.
Photo section.
Rage.
And then I'm going to use the Emerald Fury to hit that spy in front of me.
Hit the spy.
Hell yeah.
In front of you.
Yes.
Let's see.
Is that a 16 hit?
Yeah, yes.
Okay.
That would be 11 damage.
Actually 13 damage.
Sorry because I'm going to rage.
13 damage.
Raged as plus two.
Yeah, plus two.
Okay, so 13 damage to him.
Hitting hard.
Took the crack but you see him kind of grit his teeth and just kind of fucking still stand
there and take a look at you.
But anything else?
Oh, that was your bonus action to rage.
So we are back to the top.
Flea stick sock jelly.
Alright.
I'm going to hit guard D with inflict wounds.
Oh God.
Oh no.
That is 12 plus six.
18.
What is it?
18.
Oh yeah.
That will definitely hit.
So he's going to die that's for sure.
That is nine on the first roll.
Nine damage on the first roll?
Yep.
3D10s.
Jesus.
I'm sure.
Roll it over.
10.
One second.
Zero is 10 right?
Yeah.
You have to roll it.
And then four.
He's lost.
He did like 30.
Did you heal Miriam?
No.
No!
That was your action right?
So yeah that one is just fried with a necrotic burning sensation as it melts into his fucking
body.
Drops him dead.
I will hide him.
Now after that can I run up to Miriam?
How many feet is that?
Since I didn't use movement.
She is 60 feet from you so she is too far from you to run.
But what do you want to do?
Are you doing like healing word spell?
Because that is a ranged one.
You don't have to touch her to do that.
Yeah I can do that.
Alright so 1d4 plus spell capacity ability.
So it would be 1d4 plus your wisdom.
Two plus?
Yeah plus four.
Three plus four healing?
Six.
Oh.
Alright.
Yeah she takes it a little better then.
She is in blood.
Wipe away from her nose.
Miss Melvin your turn.
So the one I daggered that is.
He is dead.
No he is not dead.
I was going to say he is still next to me.
He is yeah.
He is on the map.
So I am assuming I can just re-go at him.
Alright that is what I am wanting to do.
And are you going to do your main hand and off hand attack?
You did not last time.
I know you forget that you can do that.
What?
Your off hand stab.
Two daggers.
I.
Roll twice.
Okay.
So that is what I want to do actually but I forgot.
I thought I couldn't do it.
That is what I was reminding you.
So I can do it?
Yeah.
You can always stab with your second hand dagger.
Yeah because I feel like I am capable of killing him and I don't need to run away.
So roll my plus one dagger and roll the other one too.
Yeah roll to hit with both of them.
You would roll to hit with your first one.
So the first one would be five plus seven.
That will not hit.
Oh twenty.
For the second hit?
Yeah six plus six.
Yeah double damage.
So that is a one D four.
I can't read it.
Three plus four.
Seven double damage.
Should I roll it again?
No.
No you don't.
Okay.
Yeah he did.
That one is shank shank shank.
That is what I thought.
Stug a dug a dug a.
Alright next up is Archie Ortiz.
Alright I am going to try to finish off B. MMA elderly with my Maze.
I finished off my big toe.
Fifteen.
Fifteen to hit.
Guard.
What is the card?
I forgot.
No.
Short short.
Just barely.
Okay anything else?
I don't think I can.
Okay.
Captain Craig is just going to roll next to me.
That is a nat twenty.
So yeah he since he rolls a nat twenty I will give you.
Damn Craig he goes nat one and then nat twenty.
He kind of goes sorry about that before boys and then yanks it back the other way and you
see.
I guess I will give him the deck of six.
These are so light compared to it.
Nineteen.
Ten.
Maybe we shouldn't convince him to change his deck.
It is my bad.
Three.
Okay so the guard fighting Archie.
The spy by itself still on the stair near the stern.
The south side.
And the guard next to Miriam all fall prone but the spy still on Duke Crystal standing.
He saved.
But the other three they all fall prone.
I think we know who the boss is.
So good job Craig.
You did great.
Chadwick is going to protect Boiler.
Merlow.
He is going to run up.
Wait what is Merlows abilities?
I forgot again.
I am sorry.
Oh yeah he has got the charm thing.
I forgot.
Merlow is going to try to charm again.
Spy next to you since he is all who is standing.
It never works.
Fails.
It never works.
It does not work.
So yes good job Merlow you tried.
Miriam is going to continue casting.
Spy's turn.
B Spy.
He is going to use his bonus action to dash.
This spy you kind of see him look around like left and right and just books it straight
down to the stairwell to the doorway and heads towards the lower deck below.
You have an idea where he is heading.
Yeah you have an idea where he is heading.
So yeah that happens.
Now it is the spy on Duke Crystal.
He is going to dagger short sword you.
I am dagger.
Long dagger short sword.
8 plus 4.
No.
He is going to attack again with multi attack.
16 plus 4.
Yes.
4 plus 2 damage.
He slashes down the short sword.
Physical damage.
Yes.
Slashing.
So I take 3.
Oh you are in range.
Emotional damage.
That is psychic damage.
From now on any time psychic damage happens that is what it is.
So he does that.
I can't do that now.
Ok so next up is the guard on him which he is prone which just means he has to use half
of his movement speed to get up which doesn't matter because he is still on Miriam.
You know what that means.
Swinging down on Miriam because he hasn't been stopped.
7 plus 4.
Oh I forgot.
Miriam I know her.
She saves.
7 plus 4.
I did not hit.
I just removed her from the thing.
So yeah next up is B guard on Archie.
He is going to get up and swing his halberd down on you.
That is a 19 plus 4.
Does that hurt?
No.
Never.
Ok big damage.
Let's go boys.
That is the wrong deck.
It almost gave you bigger damage.
No.
That is a 6.
This one doesn't tell you the dot on which one is the actual direction.
Whether or not it is a 6 or a 9.
It is a 6.
Just follow the way the other numbers are facing on that side.
Ok 6 damage.
6 plus 2 damage sorry.
8 damage.
Fwak fwak is this halberd.
Chops into your no armor.
I don't think you are wearing armor.
Those guards are dead.
Duke Crystal your turn.
There is a spy still fucking smiling at you.
Ok.
He he he he he.
I am going to hit him with my Emerald Fury again.
Right in between the eyes.
Let's see if he grunts it off or not.
He might survive because I rolled horribly.
Now what plus 50?
No plus 7 so 11?
Nope.
I think so.
And second attack?
Yeah frenzied strike or whatever.
That one is an 18.
Nah I am just kidding.
He is a spy he is really strong.
Alright so that is another 13 damage.
13 damage?
Yes.
Yeah this crack comes down and hits him directly between the eyes.
The first swing he kind of just jukes it as he is coming up.
That second swing cracks him.
You see his eyes go crossed for a second and then straightens him back out and he looks damaged.
Flee stick.
But he is still standing.
Alright he is tough.
Your turn.
Alright.
Which one did duchess hit?
The spy.
A spy.
Someone needs to either save Miriam or go to the boiler room.
Probably the boiler room.
Who was closest to the door?
I would say...
Oh I am not saying anything.
Who was closest to the door should probably make a move.
Alright I am going to run up the guard eh up the steps.
Oh no I can strike can I?
Yeah.
Use your sword.
Yeah I was about to say I am going to use my dragon slayer sword.
Alright.
And crit fail.
Crit fail.
Ok roll some damage.
What is your damage for it?
Go ahead and roll that damage.
Nooooo.
Oh no I am lost here.
Yeah got it.
Six.
Six plus oh you are rolling two dice?
Damn.
No just 1d8 plus three so.
Nine damage?
Yeah.
Ok so you come through with full intent to cut this guard in half.
You come down swinging and he just kind of steps out of the way real quick and you take
a good whack right down on Miriam as she is doing her ritual.
And deal her what seven damage is that what I said?
Yeah nine damage oh nice.
Good hit good hit.
Ok next up is Miss Muffin.
What was it about running out a door or something?
Yeah I am pretty sure you heard Duke screaming that he had run down the door because a guy
a spy went running down.
Anyone but her.
Went running down.
A spy went running down there?
Yeah no thank you.
So the one I am next to.
As I said anyone but her.
I am done.
Are you going down the boiler room?
No.
Oh ok.
The one next to me though I thought I killed him.
You did.
He is still there.
You have to refresh yeah.
That is why I am lost it was not refreshing.
So there is one over by Archie still.
Yes there is a guard by Archie a spy by Duke and a guard by Miriam that just dodged Flea
Stick and Flea Stick smoked Miriam to death.
And then there is a spy who ran down stairs towards the boiler room to shut down the engine
to the ship.
So I am going to since Flea Stick is up there by Miriam and going to go over by Archie and
help him kill this bee guard.
Ok are you going to stab him or are you going to do what you are doing?
I am going to dagger him.
Ok.
I am going to do what my daggering is.
You can.
What did I miss?
You can do sneak attack if you like because you have an man with an ally attacking him.
So if you want to do sneak attack you can.
Ok.
Which is I think you have to go down the boiler room.
Sneak attack just says 2D6.
Yeah so you will roll your normal.
Crit fail.
Roll the hit.
Crit fail.
Yeah.
Crit fail.
Ok so you go full blown sprinting at this guard to just stab him and straight up take
him down to help Archie and you go running and you feel the ship to the boat and you just
trip and you flip right off the side.
Make me a dexterity save.
No!
I don't want to do that!
I am going to do it right over.
Oh natural 20 plus 4.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Dammit.
Ok so you trip and you flip but you do this like what do you do?
What do you do to like get back onto the boat?
How do you save yourself from falling off the boat?
Grab a post.
Swing.
Oh yeah like Peter Pan this shit actually.
Peter Pan this shit?
Yeah.
Like you fly or what?
Like you just get like carried out some fly?
Grab a rope and swing around.
Ok ok.
Swing my son back aboard.
Ok yeah.
Alright grab a rope and swing across smoothly.
How you doing?
Yeah so that was your turn I guess.
That was confusing.
Archie your turn.
Alrighty I'm going to go back after me.
Ok hitting.
Possibly.
Oh.
Brainfart.
16.
Yes.
Ok.
That will hit.
Yay.
On the money.
9 damage and then I'm going to use my bonus action to do an unarmed strike.
No I'm not.
Crit fail.
For your unarmed strike?
Yeah.
Wait what was your first attack's damage?
9.
9 damage?
Yes.
I don't know what I did here.
I fucked up.
Oh he's dead.
Ok.
Nevermind.
Alright yeah so if you did that, because I think I marked his damage down lower than
what it was last time.
Wait so did I already use my bonus action?
Did I swing a dead body?
Yeah you did.
You swung a dead body because he died from the first strike.
You were like, fucker.
I still punch and has dead body.
Yeah so yes.
Be guard is dead.
His body falls and you swing at the air.
Maybe I should have waited.
But next up is Captain Craig.
Let's see how he does on driving this boat.
He holds her steady.
Nothing special.
Nothing bad.
Ok it is Chadwick's turn but you guys don't know what's going on with Chadwick.
I'm actually getting kind of, I just know where he's at.
So I'm just going to roll some stuff here.
Not bad.
Chadwick's dead.
Ok yeah.
Alright.
Merlot, you know what he's going to do.
Look at that spy.
He's going to go, I'll suck you off if you just jump off the boat.
And try to charm him again.
You better be a good suck me up.
Jump off the boat.
Suck him off the boat.
Suck me off and nail this side.
You're safe so it does not work.
The spy goes, I wouldn't do that if you were the last one here.
And Merriam's turn.
And she just took a strike from a flea stick.
So she's still doing her thing.
Still standing.
It's the spy on Duke's turn.
With your feud.
He's spitting out blood.
Let's see here.
Ok so he is going to use his bonus action to disengage.
And he is going to, what's his movement speed?
By cracking.
His 30 is going to move a full 30 away from you.
Which way did he go?
What a carrot he's acting all tough.
30 feet from you.
And then he is going to use his action to hide.
As you see this pulls a cloak over.
17 plus 2.
So you see him kind of slink and dive away.
And you lose sight of the spy.
As he dips behind cover and fades away.
For a moment.
Until your perception check on your turn.
Ok it is the guard on Merriam's turn.
He is going to try to shove you flea stick sock jelly.
Half 30.
Whoa flea stick.
Your voice changed.
That is a 16 plus 2.
And you have to do a contested strength or acrobatics.
Strength athletics or acrobatics check.
Which is your strength?
Athletics.
I don't know that one.
Athletics.
Alright.
Give me it.
10.
10?
That fails.
And you are shoved.
Falling back against the railing of the ship.
Just barely on the edge teetering over.
But that was his.
Wait no his actions are shoved isn't it.
Well you are pushed back a little bit.
He is going to turn around.
He is going to use his actions to try and smack Merriam in the head with a halberd.
That is a fucking failure.
5 plus 4.
Dare you shove me.
Those guards are dead.
Dude Crystal your turn.
Alright since that pussy spy ran away.
You can make a perception check to try and spot him.
He ain't a threat.
I am going to move to the middle of the ship here.
And once we get there.
I guess I am just going to have to forcibly move Merlot when I do this.
But they will be fine.
I am going to attempt to lift this wooden grate in the center of the ship open.
He is going to try and pull this locked up crate that they used to lower goods into and stuff.
Is it locked or is it just heavy?
No it is really heavy.
I figured it just fell into a pocket.
Exactly.
Give me a strength check.
I will say with advantage because Merlot will probably help you with his task since he is
in the room.
He can't do much.
He will help you with advantage.
So that is 15 plus 5.
I will do the 15 plus 5.
So you start pulling up this thing and Merlot is like we got this.
I will help you.
He starts pulling lifting and you are lifting faster than he is able to lift.
You start lifting and flip it over and scoot it off the side where you can drop down inside
there if that is what you want to do.
When you drop down inside you land right on top of a table.
Right on the dining room table.
Right on this table like dining kitchen area.
You are down there.
How much movement do you think I still have?
I would say that probably took about 5 because you really did not move.
Well no you walked from there.
How close can I get to the boiler door?
I would say I walked from the corner.
You have only got about 10 feet of movement speed.
So I am just around the corner maybe toward the boiler room.
Yep.
That is what you would like to do.
Alright.
Good deal.
I guess I am out of reach now.
Yes you did not attack that room.
So this I am going to draw us a little marker here around this to show where this is open.
Would that have just been my action?
A bonus action used?
Bonus action?
Like for lifting that grate.
No that would have been an action to actually interact and to do an action.
I will use my bonus action to drink one of my potions of greater healing.
Okay.
Yeah you can do that.
What was that 4d4?
Greater?
Yeah greater.
Yeah 4d4 plus 4.
Yeah you knew that.
Flee stick it is your turn.
Four.
Four?
Hell yeah.
Three.
Who is left A?
Yep all that is left is A and then the unknown one kind of running throughout the place.
You should.
Alright I am just going to crack her.
I am going to walk around the other side and get in front of Miriam.
You cannot.
It is an occupied space.
Oh how dare you.
You can get next to them but you can't get next to me.
Alright well I am not attacking directly towards Miriam.
I moved up and attacked downwards.
Okay yeah you are in front of him beside her.
Swinging at him.
Okay I got you.
Alright.
I am using my dragon slayer sword.
Alright get it.
19.
Oh yeah big hit.
Alright 7 plus 3.
7 plus 3 damage?
Yep.
Oh very good hit.
Very good hit indeed.
Yeah you come down with that.
This is the first time you have actually used the dragon slayer sword to fight?
Yeah.
Yeah so yeah you come down with this thing swiftly and just like clean through his like
Lawrence Alliance you see the Lawrence Alliance symbol like split down the middle on his brand
and he is just looking bloodied and bad.
So as that happens you kind of come down swiftly and cut him and you hear like this huge roar
and make me a dexterity saving throw.
10 or 7 sorry.
7?
Okay.
Alright.
So yeah you hear this huge roar and then you kind of look over and you see this captain
of this other ship kind of literally run and just jump across the ship and come down and
try to swing the skimitar at you and he since you failed to save he does get his hit which
is a 17 plus 5 which will definitely hit.
4 plus 3 damage.
Slashing damage as he comes down and slashes you with his skimitar.
He goes you killed my men?
He goes oh it's Lawrence Alliance wrecking time.
And jumps into the battle.
So that would be his turn next after that.
Miss Luffin it's your turn.
I'm gonna do something.
He's literally still.
You said dude just hit me and ran.
No he jumped and leaped onto the ship and sliced you and then landed next to you.
Yeah like crazy dude.
Yeah I'm gonna run my booty up there and help out my flea stick sock jelly buddy and bury
him.
Okay.
So is it possible to try and use my double dagger to dagger one and then dash over to
dagger the other?
Since they're so close together.
They're close enough yeah you can.
You can attack one and attack the other.
Okay I want to try and do that.
This sounds pretty dope.
Oh not 20 plus 7.
Okay yeah.
Are they captain?
I'm gonna make sure that one hits the Lawrence Alliance dude.
The captain or guard?
Well that guy that just jumped on the boat.
Okay captain yeah.
Oh my bad it just didn't show me that part of his name.
And then the other one is a 15 plus 6.
Okay they both hit.
Do the damage for the first one first because it's double damage for the first one.
So for the first one 3 plus 5 so 8.
8 damage.
But that's not doubled so 16.
No roll the damage again.
Okay that's what I did last time I didn't do that either.
3 plus 5 again.
Yeah so literally 8 plus 8.
Okay there you go.
Yeah double double.
Good couple hits on him.
And then the other guy is 4 plus 2.
4 plus 2 damage.
So yeah the other guard after just taking like an almost getting cleaved in half by
Flea Stick's Dragon Slayer sword is just standing there like you motherfucker I'm gonna take
you down.
And he just feels like a tch in his ribs and just falls over and just stops breathing.
Yeah.
You pooping?
Yeah.
For sure taking a shit.
He literally stays there like this.
Alright next up is Archie.
It's your turn my friend.
Oh wait that's female.
My friend.
Sorry.
Pow.
Pow buddy.
So the only ones left are the one on Flea Stick and the one that ran downstairs.
The one on Flea Stick is dead.
Oh so the one that ran downstairs.
Well I guess I'll run down there and see what's going on.
I stabbed on Flea Stick.
Okay so your speed.
Oh no sorry the captain is still on Flea Stick.
Yeah that's what I'm saying.
I only killed the guard.
The captain is on Flea Stick but the guy did still run down there.
Well there's two of them over there I'll run down there.
Run down there?
Okay.
What is your movement speed?
It is.
My movement speed is 40 feet.
Okay.
Yeah you can make it to the stairs and get down to the waste deck.
Nice.
The waste deck.
Off the poop deck and down to the waste deck.
Very good.
Very nice.
Yeah so you are almost able to cut the corner.
It's so funny when you think of like D&D rules and it's like you can only move 40 feet because
like I know it all happens within like a slow most second but then it's like he's right around
this corner but like he can't know it's around the corner because he can't move that extra
10 feet.
Yeah.
Damn.
So yeah now it's Captain Craig's turn and he's going to that's he's just driving pretty
slow.
He's getting a little bumpy but he still holds her steady.
Oh boy.
It's the Lord of the Lions captain's turn.
He's going to cut somebody.
He's going to do some hurting.
So Miss Muffin you are technically right in between Tlee Stick and Miriam so.
Yeah.
He is going to hit you with his skimitar.
No.
He's going to clap you.
You're done.
I have full health.
Okay so yeah he's going to.
He's loopy.
Don't mess around.
17 plus 5.
That hits.
Oh wow.
That's 5 plus 3 damage on the first hit.
That's 1.
3 oh 8 damage.
5 plus 3 yeah.
Okay.
And then he's going to make another skimitar attack.
13 plus 5.
Barely.
Hits.
Yeah.
That's 3 plus 3 and then he's going to slice the skimitar.
Slice the skimitar and then you see him pull out a dagger.
He can't do that.
16 plus 5.
Damage?
No.
Okay.
So you're taking 3 plus 3 damage again.
6.
So yeah you took a big chunk of damage there.
He's leaking.
He's leaking back.
That's half my health sir.
Good.
You better.
Disengage.
You better figure something else.
Leave Mary on the die.
Alright.
It's Chadwick's turn.
You don't know what he's doing.
Merlot kind of sees Archie take off running.
I forgot Archie also that there was a hole in the ship right there that you could have
gone down.
Wow.
Merlot sees that and hops down and hops down inside the ship to go try and see if he can
do any assistance and makes his way towards the tables.
I forgot.
I forgot too.
Miriam.
Ritual.
These are all dead.
So I think Duke it's you.
Very nice.
Well you know where I'm going.
Yeah.
So.
Oh yeah I forgot you're down there.
Yeah I'm already down there around the ship.
I'm already down there around the corner.
I'm looking down the hole.
You're going to run down there?
Yeah.
Okay so you run down there and you get to the doorway of the boiler room.
You turn the corner and you see the spy planting like this like fantasy looking C4 like on
the boiler room.
Not like C4 more like thermite.
Like it's going to kind of just and like burn out onto the boiler engine.
Then you see Chadwick on the floor with blood pouring out of his throat.
But that's what you see.
So you have basically a fantasy D&D thermite bomb attached to the boiler engine to burn
it out and a dead Chadwick on the floor.
Alright well as I was running down the hallway I pulled out my trench knife.
Okay.
This is close quarters so we need to have a good trench knife.
So he's planted the bomb when he turned and spot me in the doorway.
Yes.
Yeah.
He kind of like you kind of run up as he's kind of done killed boy planted the thing
and he's turning around.
Alright I'm going to lunge for his guts with the dagger.
Lunge for his guts.
The old trench knife.
Give me a lunge for his guts roll.
Alright I will.
As a crit a good lunge for his guts roll.
I mean that sounds like a guts lunge roll.
Alright let's see.
So that would be one extra damage die on that too.
So 1d4 plus 5.
3 plus 5 is 8.
And then 3 again so we're doing the bonus on both.
For the crit damage?
Yeah.
Yeah that's fine.
Okay so 16 damage.
Total?
8 and 8 total yeah.
Alright was that it?
Did you say you got an extra damage die because of your or something?
Oh you're letting that's on that's like savage attacks on critical.
Yeah I get so another one.
Yeah because I mean crits normal double and that's your special attack.
So 1 plus 5 is 6.
6 damage?
Yeah.
Yeah so you run around that corner and use a stick for the guts.
22 damage.
You see like a piece of like guts almost fall out and he kind of like holds his hand up
on it but he is still standing.
Okay.
Yeah you have done a almost fully successful job of spilling the guts.
Gross.
So what's the problem about is grabbing that bomb in action or a bonus action?
Oh yeah well the problem with the bomb is it's like stuck to the engine right there.
Like you're not going to be able to just run up and like yank it off.
Like it's like fused to the engine with like his magic shit that they got.
Because like it's like fantasy fucking thermite stick to the thing and it's going to drill
through.
So I mean you could try to yank it off but it will take control.
Like it's going to be an action to try and actually yank the thermite sticky bomb off
of this engine.
And then hopefully not anything else bad happen.
Okay.
So yes that will cost an action because you will be a roll to actually try and do it.
So.
That's fine.
We'll just move on.
Next.
Pass turn.
Alright.
Please stick.
Back to the top of the round.
It's your turn.
Alright.
You got Mismuffin, Miriam, and Lord of the Lions Captain.
Alright.
I'm swinging at Lord of the Lions guy with my Dragon Slayer Sword.
Okay.
Six.
Alright.
Bonus action.
Summoning my spiritual weapon.
Okay.
Bell slot.
And then spiritual weapon.
Give me some of this.
Damn I had to do it.
I summoned.
Okay.
Good deal.
Alright.
Now I'm attacking.
Because it says I can do that.
With the thing?
Yeah.
Same bonus action.
You're attacking with the spiritual weapon?
Yeah.
Okay.
Go ahead.
17 plus 6.
To hit?
Yeah.
So 1d8 plus 4 would be 8 damage.
8 damage.
Decent hit.
And I am going to run back 20.
Okay.
Well as you go to run away you turn and he can make an opportunity attack.
Mistake.
Because you were up close and swung your weapon at him.
So he's going to take one swing at you.
Headed disengaged.
15 plus 5?
Yeah.
So 1d6.
5 plus 3 damage to you as you try to slip away from him.
3 damage?
Yeah.
No.
5 plus 3.
5 plus 3 damage.
Yeah.
But you did get away from him.
You both snuck in.
I was like I did say 3.
You didn't say that number.
You said another number with it.
Okay.
Then next up is Mist-Knuffin.
It is your turn, Playa.
Did I hope?
No, I never die.
Oh shit.
I'm going to take a healing potion.
Okay.
Interesting.
You got a greater one than normal one.
What are you using?
I'm trying to check that out.
I believe you all were given greater ones so if you want to use that you can.
That's 4d4 plus 4.
Well it doesn't say if I have one or not so I'm just going to take your word for it.
I know you do.
Yeah.
I know you were given 4.
I was going to say I can't find it.
You were given 4 by Baron before you came here.
Okay.
4 events just like this.
So 4d4 plus 4?
Yes.
8 plus 4.
2 plus 3 plus 1 plus 2.
8 plus 4?
Yep.
That's how much health you get back.
8 plus 4.
12.
Good deal.
That was a bonus action to use a potion so you still have one action if you want to do
something else.
Alrighty-roo.
Let's looky here.
I'm right next to the Captain Stone.
Yeah.
I'm going to dagger the heck out of him with my plus 1 dagger.
Figured so.
Because that's how I roll around here.
Yeah.
14 plus 7 to hit.
14 plus 7 to hit?
Yeah.
Yes.
He parries.
6 damage.
Wait.
Is it with advantage?
Hang on.
Wait a minute.
What did you get to hit?
14 plus 7?
What did you say?
Yeah.
What did you damage?
I rolled a double damage.
Okay.
Stop.
It was 6 but I asked do I roll twice?
Do I roll double damage?
Is it with advantage?
No.
Okay.
So 6 damage.
6 damage.
You know, you're milling him down a little bit.
He's the butterfly.
So he hits you with a triple attack.
Yeah.
Lord's Wines turn.
So he's going to take his attacks at you Kelly because Miss Muffin you're the only one near
him.
Well that sucks.
He's going to take his melee attack at you so 14 plus 5 will hit.
That's 2 plus 3 damage to you.
Okay so 2 plus 3 damage to you from his skimitar.
5.
First attack.
So second attack.
8 plus 5.
That one does not hit you does it?
8 plus 5.
Yeah.
It's poking.
No.
Okay so now he's going to whip out his dagger.
No.
Oh no.
5 plus 5.
That does not hit.
You got lucky this round.
Ha ha ha.
I'm standing better than I was last time.
He's definitely over there arguing.
He's like argh.
Well he's not really so much a...
He's a captain on the scene.
He's more a Lord Alliance captain.
He's more like argh.
Oh darn it.
My wig fell off.
Darling.
Yeah.
So yeah.
He does whiff all of those.
So Chadwig.
Well you know what happened to him.
He's dead.
Merlot.
Wait what?
Yeah Chadwig.
The one down below.
I don't think that was ever filmed then.
Yeah and I said you walked around the corner.
He was... you saw the spy planting the bomb and Chadwig on the floor was the start of
the sling.
Oh wait sorry.
I just went past that and grazed over it I guess.
Merlot continues to search around the area to try to make his way to Duke and not really
do much because he can't even move that far.
Miriam.
Shut up.
It's the spy's turn to fight Duke.
I thought the spy was dead.
He's disemboweled right now.
He's holding a piece of his intestine but he's still standing to fight.
He has a hernia.
He's sitting like argh.
You got a little hummer.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
That is a 19 plus 4 so that one will definitely hit.
Yeah it will.
Oh that's not.
Alright that is 6 plus 2.
Okay.
And he makes his multi attack so that's another one.
16 plus 4.
He's coming back with a vengeance.
He's going to spill your guts.
What is it total?
I don't think you've done that since you were a kid.
First one was 6 plus 2.
8 and then 4 plus 2.
6 so 12.
14.
Oh yeah it was 6 not a 4.
Sorry 14.
I didn't math really fast.
I like the lower numbers so I'm always going to round down on them.
You did get a good round on him.
Oh shit.
It's your turn Duke.
We've got a moment of decisions because you can kill this man.
Wait how do we get back around to this and I never win again?
Oh fuck I did skip you I think.
I went to miss nothing and then passed to you.
Fuck.
Shit.
Yeah because Archie is downstairs.
Yeah he is.
You forgot about my man Archie.
Well I don't think I'll be able to get in there anyways.
Alright well I'm going to come down on his neck with a dagger.
Come down on his neck with a dagger.
Yes.
Well kind of like a good angle right with a collar bone neck kind of joint.
Can I hit the cleave?
No I'm thinking like flip grip like Pierce like deep down.
So does A13 hit?
No of course not.
On the money.
Really?
Yes.
Perfect.
He does not have a high AC.
Perfect.
He does not have a higher health but.
That is D4 plus 5.
So.
Seven?
Plus 5 is already going to kill him so anything you roll.
Man hold up.
As he is stuck in the neck and he finally breathes his last.
Is that magic that is holding the bomb?
No.
The magic is more of like I said magic but I meant more of like a chemical compound of
some kind of mineral that is like.
I figured since he attached it there maybe the thing attaching it came free.
No it's not that type of magic it's more of.
Alchemy.
Yeah alchemy.
Okay well I pulled a blade out and knee him in the face.
Pulled a blade out and knee him in the face he's dead.
But that was your action so nothing else.
Archie it is your turn if you want to go ahead and do your turn.
There's a thermite bomb stuck to the thing.
Of course he wants to.
I don't think he's actually doing anything.
Not really.
I don't even.
I'll give you options so I'll say you can give me a strength check to try to rip this
thing off or if you can give me a really really good what would be a good way to disarm my
bomb.
Slide a hand.
Yeah so you can give me a really hard slide a hand check or a strength check that's pretty
hard too.
They're both dangerous.
Yeah they're both dangerous.
But I'll let you choose because I'm sure you're going to use the dexterity slide a hand but.
Once you pull it off of there stick it in the dudes guts where I disemboweled him.
That was my original plan.
It was to disembowel him while he was still alive I was going to rip it off and stick
it in there.
Yeah my strength is.
So at least if it goes off before we throw it in the water.
I might just.
Maybe his body will insulate the heat.
I'm going to run in there and try to rip it off.
We'll see.
Or no not rip it off.
That's strength.
I'm going to run in there and try to slide a hand.
I'm thinking slide a hand is more of like a you're trying to figure out a way to make
this thing not work.
I was thinking like.
You can piece off.
I was thinking like in the end of Jones like replace it with a sandbag.
Let's find out if we're going to die.
Okay.
It's twenty fourteen plus six.
Fourteen plus six or twenty.
Okay.
So yeah you you kind of they are able to kind of maneuver these things and move some of
the functioning like crystals inside of it and you see like the flame inside of it kind
of flicker away of a few.
So you have disarmed the bomb.
Nice.
Good job.
Yay.
Yeah.
Chad was dead.
He's dead.
So all that's left is the captain.
So he won't die.
Next turn is flea sticks then since we.
Kill that captain.
All right.
Well I'm taking the potion of greater healing.
Okay.
Fourty four plus four is your healing.
Okay.
Whatever that means.
Roll four.
D four.
Plus four.
That means what it means.
Three.
My goodness.
He's drunk.
Eight plus four.
Wait was it.
Eight plus four.
Does that sound like an action.
Yeah.
That's about as action too.
Okay.
I'm just going to do the sacred plan.
He does.
Yeah.
All right.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Yeah he does.
All right.
One plus nothing.
One damage.
All right.
Now my spiritual weapon.
They can't because you used your bonus action.
Okay.
Was that the bonus action?
No.
Okay.
But next up would be Miss Mothin.
And I'm going to continuously de dagger him.
Continuously de dagger him.
That's how I talk.
You're watching too much Dan today.
Oh no.
Seven plus four.
No.
You missed.
You're going to roll a ten for your off hand.
Yeah.
Eleven plus six.
That one's better.
Okay good.
Two plus.
No it's not.
False hope.
You lied to me.
He uses his reaction.
And it's lazy.
And adds two AC to his AC.
Adds two to his AC.
What a boss.
So yeah.
No you did not hit him.
Loser.
I'm going to roll a ten.
No.
You missed.
You're going to roll a ten for your off hand.
Yeah.
Eleven plus six.
That one's better.
Okay good.
Loser.
Alright it's your turn.
Go ahead.
Yay me again.
I guess I'm going to run over.
Wait where exactly is this hole at?
Yeah.
Where the gray spot.
It's like to the top right corner of the grate.
You can just drop in.
That's where you.
Oh no you ran already.
You already ran down.
Yeah.
You're good.
I'm trying to get up.
Oh you're trying to get back up?
Uh the stairs right here.
You can go up.
And you'll be back up top.
That's what you want.
Right because you have the only thing left to kill is upstairs.
Yeah is that right?
Yeah.
I'm going to run in upstairs.
Oh there's two guys.
Yeah that's a.
One's just been doing some other stuff and no one's cared to try and find him.
So.
He just decided he'd be a stowaway.
Yeah.
Uh is that all you're going to do then?
Because I think you won't go do anything else until you make your way up there.
Yeah just run upstairs.
Okay so.
You know my dude disengaged and ran into you stealth and hit like a little puss once he.
Remember I hit him.
No one's made a perception check to try and find him.
I hit him square in the face and he went cross-eyed and he was spitting blood.
Okay.
Uh.
He panicked.
It's the Lord of the Rings captain's turn.
He's hiding somewhere.
So the only one that's still duking it out with him is Miss Muffin.
So Miss Muffin you're getting the same old same old.
No one's over.
Two scoops are.
19 plus five.
We've all earned our place.
No one helped.
Two plus three damage.
We've all shown we've all we've all earned our place.
Two plus three damage.
Except for her.
No!
That's five.
Second scimitar.
I don't like adding myself.
Eleven plus five.
Damage?
Ten hit.
Okay.
Hits right?
Um.
Eleven plus five.
Sixteen.
Five plus three damage.
Nah.
And then whips out the dagger.
That's rude.
Sixteen plus five.
That's a hit.
Yeah.
God.
One two four plus three.
Three plus three.
Sixteen.
He's going super saiyan.
He's putting it on you dude.
You should have never ran up there.
You might be unconscious.
Nah you used to.
You'll be alright.
Does this mean.
It's just going to be her every turn doing this.
It's going to be just freaking potion every turn like.
Just a little shot of potion.
Okay.
Uh.
Yeah.
Uh.
So.
You can do it Kelly.
We believe in you.
She's not in here.
But.
She's not in here.
But I want to get a go.
Uh.
Yeah.
So the spy.
Yeah.
Pops out from behind the box right as Archie's cutting the corner.
And gets a sneak attack.
As he's been hiding behind that box waiting.
Uh.
What a rat.
So that is.
Should have said something to him.
He's just like we got him all in one.
Four plus four to hit.
Misses.
Multi-attack.
Nine plus four.
No.
Misses.
Both miss.
No sneak attack.
Yeah.
Remember he went cross-eyed and hit him so hard he can't see straight.
Yeah.
He's got a concussion real bad.
Uh Duke.
Your turn.
Okay.
Let's see if uh.
Was it?
It wasn't.
Shut your mouth.
Standing on that table was the ceiling low enough to like grab on and climb up?
Uh yeah I'd say you'd probably jump up.
You'd probably make a strength check but it won't cost you an action or anything.
Alright.
But you may not be able to climb up.
I'm gonna move over to the table and attempt to do that.
Okay.
Uh nine plus five so fourteen.
Uh yeah I'll say that's easy enough.
I'm sure Duke Crystal can do a pull up.
Yeah I would imagine.
And alright.
I imagine I only have like what like ten foot.
Yeah ten foot movement.
Okay.
Guess what?
Oh no.
And you said it didn't cost an action right?
Yes I did say that.
This is gonna be fun.
Cause I'm nice.
Alright.
He's dead anyway there's nothing to save this fight.
I'm going to grapple the back of his neck.
Okay.
Snap.
Is that strength contested with strength acrobatic or snore acrobatic?
Yeah something like that.
Oof he might get lucky.
That is a seven.
Two plus five on strength.
I'm gonna do a dex acrobatics.
It's a seven plus two.
Alright.
And.
Are you serious?
Oh I thought you got a seven plus five.
I got just a flat seven.
Oh.
It was two plus five so.
Oh okay.
So I was like he got lucky.
He wiggles out.
He's a little sneaky guy.
He's sweating though.
He's sweating that's how he got out.
So sweaty he just slipped out.
The blood and sweat.
I didn't anticipate it.
Yeah.
That was your reaction.
Shove.
Okay.
So that was very strength.
Thirteen plus five.
I think that's strength.
Strength.
So three plus nothing.
Yeah.
Yeah eighteen.
So he gets shoved.
Yeah so shoved like a couple feet back.
Actually he gets shoved and smacks into Archie.
That's kind of plumps back into him.
Monkey in the middle.
Yeah so.
Oh you would have done was hold the knife.
You know you'd just hold your sword there and he'd have been like.
Alright.
So next up please take.
Alright.
That would be a wild combo.
Shove someone into a sword.
They're just holding.
Alright.
A spy's dead right?
Oh the spy's dead.
Alright.
Oh wait no he's not dead but the captain is near you.
The spy is in between you.
He will be dead.
Yeah he will.
Most likely be dead.
I wish I had a hold of him.
Take your part.
Okay.
Next save on the captain or.
Captain.
Fails.
Badly.
Five damage.
Five damage?
Okay.
Spiritual weapon.
Okay.
On the captain.
12 plus 6.
18.
Oh yeah that hits.
I'm about to roll my dice for you.
That note counter roll.
So 6 plus 4.
10 damage.
Decently really good hit.
Decently good hit there.
Decently okay moderately.
Minorly okay we decent hit.
Okay.
Next up Miss Muffin.
The generic off right there.
I'm going to take a greater healing potion.
Great body hit.
Again?
Okay.
44 plus 4.
Yeah I gots two or I'll die.
Straight up all you brain hit.
Two.
Whoops.
I don't know what that was so.
Four.
Two.
And three.
So 11 plus 4.
I know what it was.
It was called cheating.
Okay you still got your action.
He's like I don't know what the one is.
You want to stab stab?
Shrink shrink shrink shrink shrink.
So he can go slash slash stab.
Decapitation.
11 plus 4 is that what I said?
15.
This picture is like just a flayed woman just like drinking like.
I don't know if I should take more if I should dagger him.
Did you get advantage of your butchery?
I'm going to risk it and dagger him.
Do I boof it to get increased vitality?
Oh no.
No freaking way dude.
Is it a 20?
Yeah natural 20.
Okay natural 20.
We're daggering the shit out of him.
And 1d4 plus 5.
Would you have counted that roll of philisamol?
Shut up.
I didn't see it.
It flew out of the area.
Six damage.
Six on the first damage?
It's a dead die.
It went straight up the cat.
Okay roll your damage again.
Three double damages.
Three plus five.
Is he dead?
No he's not.
Off tables dead die.
Okay next up is Archie.
Yay.
You got a spy in front of you because.
Yeah he about to get maced.
Yeah go for it.
19.
Yeah he's getting maced.
Well dude you might not get your chance to kill him.
That's fine.
Don't get splattered with the blood.
If this is enough damage to kill him can I go in the description of how I swing my mace?
Oh yeah of course.
Just like anything.
Ten.
Ten damage.
Well he had one health so.
Oh snap.
Alright so I'm going to take the mace out of my side like behind me a little bit, swing
it, and then come up over my head and crash down into his skull.
Yeah just flatten the top of him and you see like brains kind of shoot up the back of his
head and like hit Duke in the face.
Decent.
You think Duke's gonna hit him?
As his body falls you just see Duke stare at him like he has a bunch of splatter all
over him.
So next up is going to be the captain.
Huh is that a mishmuckin in his face?
I'm kind of curious about something.
What?
If I was to stab that sword in that dude's corpse and then walk away from it for a little
bit would you just suck him dry like a mummy?
I don't know because it may not work as well because you're not connected to it either
to have like a tether.
True.
Well we'll just keep it in the sheet then.
So this time he's actually going to he's going to throw his daggers at Flea Stick.
No.
Five plus five don't hit throw it again.
Nineteen plus five that one will hit.
That don't hit.
Yeah.
One D four plus three.
Four plus three damage.
It's a Staggered Vag.
It's Rambo Bowie Knife Dagger.
That hits because he will bend down with that sacred flame and he gets hit with it every
time.
Don't I get a retaliation out of that?
Uh no.
If you would have been a half damage like save thing you could have done something.
Yeah that was his turn there.
So now it is I think Dookie again.
All these guys are dead.
Yep Dookie Boy.
So Spies did I think he was in.
Yes Brain Smash correct.
Yes Brain Smash.
Also up to the captain.
Do I have enough movement to move from where I'm at?
Yes.
Can I say as I was on the way over there I pulled out my Dark Bracelet?
Yeah actually that's a role in D&D actually apparently if you equip the weapon and intend
to attack with it it's all considered one action.
So it's like the action is changing it and swiping it.
Like drawing it.
Yes.
Okay cool.
I guess that's a role I didn't really know about.
Helpful because it's kind of annoying to have to use a whole action to switch your weapons.
Alright.
Yeah I'm going to swing that.
I'm guessing I'm behind him.
Yeah you kind of run up on the right side of him because he's standing forwardish fighting
with his Muppet.
Okay.
I'm just going to go for the all lop the head off like get up under the chin just take it.
Alright.
Go ahead.
Is it 16 plus 8 hit?
Yes.
Okay.
Definitely.
So it's 4 D6 plus 6.
1, 2, 3, 2, 5, 4, so 9 or 8 then 6, 14.
14 total damage?
Yeah.
Okay.
That hurts bad but he's still standing.
Alright.
It should have been higher.
What do I take?
What was it D12?
I don't know what it was.
I think it was 12 or 8.
Because of the amount of damage it does.
6.
6 damage to yourself as the blood seeps from the captain.
Boom.
Forza
13 plus 3.
You got me.
Nice.
Alright.
Alright so now I'm going to hit with my spiritual weapon.
Oh shit.
Fuck that.
Fuck.
Shit.
Alright 13 plus 6.
Yeah.
19.
Alright.
It's a 2 plus 4, 7 damage.
What kind of spiritual weapon did you spawn this time when you called it up?
This is a shield.
The shield?
Is this the garbage can shield?
Yeah this is my shield.
So yeah the spiritual weapon kind of does like a loop around him and you just see that
thing come down and just fucking bash his face in.
Just like bashing him down and down and down until he's just a pulp.
And then he comes up and it's almost like you can see happiness in this shield as the
captain's body drops in lifelessly.
And you hear the captain of your ship, Captain Craig, he goes, that was fucked.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
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