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Viewer warning, use of violence profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and
alcohol use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast that follows four not
so average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons & Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back home.
Fuck yeah dude, I did it without reading it.
Eat my butt.
Go ahead.
Hey guys, it's Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, he hates the WWE.
What?
That's all I have to say.
Nate here.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's a 32 year old drug addicted level 4 barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he likes Pepsi.
He likes Pepsi.
Hi I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
20th fun fact yo, Miss Muffin's in love with Steven Tyler.
Ew he's so ugly.
Dude looks like a lady.
Wait we're gonna get soon.
Go ahead.
Hey everybody, Ryan Tucker here R2.
Here I play as Flea Stick sock jelly I’m the hobo trash master cleric of the god rumpke.
I am the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, Flea Stick's favorite condom brand is Hefty.
Oh god.
I don't think that can contain that sucker.
That's why his socks full of jelly.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the Dummy Master.
My fun fact is that the Snickers was not always called the Snickers.
It was originally named the Marathon.
Yeah it was called the Marathon.
I guess they changed it and named after the Mars candy company.
Have you ever heard of the Marathon bar?
Yeah.
It used to be sold as like in the UK I guess when it was first around.
That's pretty cool.
Marathon gas station suit.
Yeah so Marathon's like yeah.
So yeah where we left off you guys had figured out who Prisoner 13 was and you had did some
snooping and some talking and got caught a little bit.
And then where we left off before it ended was a guard coming to Archie and telling him
that they need to stop asking questions about Prisoner 13 and that he was sent there by
her or she's going to.
Hamburglar.
Oh yeah sorry Hamburglar not Archie.
Incognito.
And that she will literally make this dude's head explode if he did not tell you to stop.
So the night has kind of come to an end and everyone has kind of gone to bed and laid
down for your first night of guard dutying and breaking into this prison.
So what would you guys like to do as like night falls and guards are sleeping.
There's a few taking their shifts.
Actually I need to roll something.
Okay.
So yeah there's some guards taking their shifts.
So what would you guys like to do?
Anything special or would you like to just sleep through the night?
Do they already know?
Yeah if you came back and told them about what happened and you guys kind of collected
up through the day and figured out finished out the night and it's now nightfall of your
first night.
Well I think I might do a little bumpy bump on my.
My speed bag here.
Gonna pop out the booge pouch.
Okay.
So I'm gonna roll something neat.
I'm not doing much now.
Okay I know I was just rolling something.
So yeah you can do that if you would like to take a bubski.
Are you trying to like stay up all night long?
Or like what are you doing here?
Yeah just give me another like you know eight to twelve.
My name is Jeff.
Okay yeah you can do that.
And yeah I'll then begin cleaning everyone's armor and weapons that they've hung next to
their bunks while they're sleeping.
Okay give me a dexterity sleight of hand Jeff.
Alright an eight.
An eight.
So yeah you're cleaning really fast.
Like really really really really really fast and you're doing a really good job.
It all looks really good and it's awesome.
So you're doing all of that and you're cleaning everybody's stuff through the night.
Wait did you just say I think?
Yeah.
I'm doing a good job?
Yeah you think you're doing a pretty good job.
Methods do a good job.
They really hate.
So yeah you clean up some stuff.
Yeah is there anything else you'd like to do through the night?
Seriously.
You're cleaning us up.
More cleaning.
Yeah so you just clean through the whole night.
Everybody's sleeping and they're just here like shuffling and ruffling around.
So anything you guys want to do anything else?
I'm assuming anything you guys are just going to sleep through the night while Duke.
Or sorry while.
What the fuck is your name?
My name is Jeff.
My name is Jeff yeah my name is Jeff.
Clean through the night.
Yes.
Anything else?
You can't sleep through the night if you don't want to do anything else.
We can just progress through to day two.
Yeah I don't want to raise suspicion.
Kelly would you like to do anything?
Am I in the same sleeping quarters as them?
No you are not in the barracks with them.
Am I in a room with anybody?
Yeah you're in a room with just like all the cooks and stuff.
I'm going to lay there and look like I'm lavishly sleeping but in reality I'm actually listening
in on their conversations.
Listening in on their conversations?
Yeah.
Okay give me a performance check.
Yeah I don't think we've ever done a performance check for you really.
Trash.
Three plus five.
Eight.
Three plus five eight.
Okay so yeah you're trying to pretend that you're sleeping and you're laying there and
you're like you're doing a really good job.
You're doing a really good job and then you're asleep.
You did not do a good job pretending.
You actually fell asleep and didn't hear anything.
So yeah that happens.
Expert at pretending to be asleep.
Yeah so the night falls and it progresses through the night.
Morning comes and the guards are you guys are sleeping in your beds and Dukes what are
you doing Dukes I'm sure you didn't sleep through the night.
No.
Yeah so you just.
Was everything in the entire barracks clean?
You guys kind of wake up and you look at your weapons and stuff they look like they were
rubbed down but not exactly clean.
It's like they were like rubbed but not like there was no like lube like oils or like anything
like put on them.
It's just like.
Smear marks.
Yeah just like rub marks all over it.
So yeah it looks like someone attempted to clean everything.
Alright decent enough just a second night of rubbing and it will probably keep cleaning.
If rubbing at once doesn't work rub it again.
It's called a dry polish.
Yeah so.
I don't say anything.
They wouldn't understand it even if I did.
I think they know.
So Yula Dark Area walks in and she goes she goes OK first guards you're up for your shift.
Get out get around and then she looks to you guys and like she sees your eyes.
My name is Jeff and she goes my name is Jeff.
Did you sleep all right.
My name is Jeff.
She goes there was she goes there was more because there was more emotion in that one.
My name is Jeff.
I'm keeping my eye on you.
I'm keeping my eye on you and then kind of looks the rest of you and she goes so we're going to get the first shift going in a couple hours.
You guys will take over.
So get your stuff ready get your gear together and get ready for your shifts coming up.
And she kind of walks out and salutes at you all.
My name is Jeff.
All right is there anything you want to prepare with your gear while you're getting ready.
Anything special you want to do to prepare for the day.
Anything secret or anything especially you got.
OK.
All right.
Sally Sous Chef Sue.
You're waking in your chassis.
Sally Sally.
Yes.
Sassy Sous Chef Sue.
You awake and chef time to lane standing over you and he's he goes come on Sous Chef Sue.
We got cooking breakfast to do.
You were good at eggs.
Let's do that again.
And then he pulls you up.
He goes that's the spirit and kind of pulls you up out of the bed and gets you ready and you guys can start cooking breakfast.
Anything special you're going to do with this breakfast cooking.
Anything you want to do you just cook your eggs up and get them ready.
I'm just going to do it again.
Normal so I can please him.
OK.
I'm going to check sliding in hot to spit on the eggs.
And then tend.
OK.
So you crack these up and kind of little man but you start spilling some of the eggs and stuff.
He goes Sous Chef.
You are not doing as good as first day second day jitters and then kind of like you continue cooking and you kind of continue making your eggs and scramble them all up and start to get ready to produce breakfast.
So as the early early shift finishes you guys are able to take your turn.
You three guards as your shift to start walking around.
So to taking your patrol and what would you like to do on your patrols.
I would like to map all the cameras out.
Map any surveillance spots.
OK.
Give me a perception check.
Smart.
Smart indeed.
That's very more of you.
18 plus 18 plus.
OK.
Yeah.
You are able to kind of effectively mark where all of the cameras are and I'm going to mark where they are at right quick.
Not necessarily cameras but fantasy fantasy version cameras.
Yes.
There's little goblins in all the corners and just go hey hey.
There's a guy over here.
Yeah.
The filipin.
He said that guy is clear.
So on the map here I'll put where they've got cameras.
I pictured a whole chain.
A whole chain of goblins.
Kind of watching this.
They just like yell at each other.
Guy over here.
OK.
You would assume.
Yeah.
That there is the surveillance room in the center where you kind of go through to get into the cells is where you.
Which flee stock now knows where it is.
Yes.
He knows where all the cameras are because that was a very good role.
So you do know where all the surveillance goblins are in all the corners.
And.
Please take.
It's stuck in there.
I don't even know your name now.
I just combined it.
That's what they call it.
The Zohan.
Yeah.
You are able to map out all of the surveillance goblins in the area.
Flee stick stock.
You know.
Flee stick stock.
No.
Flee stick stock.
And his company is called Flee Stock.
Flee stock.
OK.
So.
He was just talking about how his flee stock was going.
Yeah.
His flee stock was gone.
Yeah.
It's up today.
So.
Yeah.
It's up today.
So.
It's up today.
So you are able to take stock of all the surveillance goblins.
I got them marked on the map for you.
And the center you kind of know where the surveillance control room is based off your
role and following all the surveillance things.
So you got a good idea of what that is and where to go inside there.
Very nice.
So that was a good use of your patrolman turn.
Anyone else want to do anything?
During my patrol.
As I go by the hospital room I'll stop in.
Hospital room.
Yes.
OK.
Yeah.
You got to just kind of peep in there and talk and see what's up or.
I'm going to go in and obviously I'm going to say my name is Jeff.
Yeah.
Of course.
But I'm going to like motion sleeping and then move my head left and right like now.
You know.
OK.
Yeah.
So let me see.
Let me roll something.
How would you do this performance.
Give me a performance to see if you can do that.
Crip fam.
Yes.
OK.
So she goes oh you're having trouble sleeping.
She goes here here here here and like pulls you over and like instantly before you even
know it like the rapid movements of this nurse.
She just like put some pills in your mouth and like props them back and just like gulp
like swallow down some of these pills.
Oh no.
She goes that'll help you sleep honey.
But then as she's doing this you do see that she kind of helps to a medical cabinet on
the wall and puts the pills back in there.
So you do see a medical cabinet on the wall inside there.
And then as you're kind of dozing off you just see a dozen of these little beds in this
room.
That's all there really is in this room is dozen beds and then you see this medical wall
and a nurse.
So as you doze off make me a constitution saving throw actually see if you can kind
of withstand the sleeping pills is a full fucking action.
How long do I have for the dissolve take effect.
I'd say you got a very short time based off a crit fail not being able to block them or
anything.
So I have time to get to the lavatories.
Yeah I'd say so you probably got about an hour depending on your con save.
Give me con save.
Give me con save and we'll see.
Nine.
You got about an hour maybe.
Okay well I go straight to the bathroom or lavatories.
Yeah sure.
What do you call it?
Toiletries.
And gag proof.
Gag proof.
Silly throw up.
Try and throw up.
Okay what would that be if con save that you want to fail again.
No I think it'd be I'd have to have the constitution to make myself throw up.
Okay sure make me a con jack of some sort.
18.
Sure.
Yeah you have control over your body that you're able to make yourself throw up.
Yeah and you throw up.
And now there's a pile.
Did you throw this up in like an outhouse toilet hole into the ground that goes off the
cliff or on the ground.
If it was too deep of a hole I don't really want to have to climb in the fucking thing.
No I would have done it out back behind it maybe for some privacy.
Alright throw up on the ground.
Now what would you like to do.
Find the pills.
I figured.
Okay give me an investigation.
It says you rummage through your own vomit.
I was hoping that they would be pretty like identifiable but maybe not.
Yeah.
What was I rolling for?
Investigation.
Three.
Okay yeah you get the pills out but they are so gross and like caked with like vomit all
around them but you got them.
So.
I spit on them and clean them.
Spit on them and clean them okay.
You wipe them off and they still smell like vomit.
That's fine.
Okay good you got some sleeping pills that smell like absolute rancid vomit just like
emanating from it and you shove them in your pocket.
I can just take them out of the cabinet.
Just put it in a food with garlic.
No.
Okay.
Like Mastators.
Effective.
It was not effective and then it was effective turn.
Okay.
Marching.
Is there anything you would like to do this round.
Chaos.
Just for some pills.
Man I don't know.
Let's see.
I guess since I made these surveillance goblins now you could technically just kill the goblin.
Yes.
So how is it when you say we turn the camera off do we just like turn their brass.
That's what it is you make them blind.
Or is it like we just like move a sheet of paper in front of their face that looks like
the area they are watching.
It's magic cloth that covers their eyes.
I do have the invisible ink pen.
I don't know how that would help.
I don't really know what else I need to do.
This muffin I gave you a poison lipstick you can just go make out with all the goblins.
I guess we could say I passed the pills to him.
And Archie?
As we passed by on our patrol.
Then both of you or no Archie give me a slide of handshake.
See if you can.
I imagine we do it in an area where we are not.
Sure.
Sure what do you mean.
It depends on all my rolls.
11 plus 6 so 17.
11 plus 6 17.
Okay yeah you are effectively able to smack them off.
Hey that's a lot of movement for there.
I've just been like.
Yes you were like handed off perfectly.
And you got them.
So.
Alright well then I'm going to go ahead and do the next one.
Okay.
I'm going to go down to the kitchen and get some more eggs this morning.
Get some more eggs.
Well she is about to bring them out for breakfast.
I've never got to wait until we get back.
Yeah as you start walking towards the kitchen you see her walk past you with eggs.
And starts walking towards the thing.
Lips.
I'll go with lips.
So yeah Miss Muffin.
I'm going to go with her.
Sassy Sous Chef Sous.
You are delivering eggs and passing your friends once again.
I told no one that I wanted those.
Yes no one knows.
He just yeah you hand them to him.
You just smell them like they are emanating off of your pocket when you get a hold of
them aren't you.
Yummy.
But Sassy Sous Chef Sous.
You are.
Sassy Sous Chef Sous.
Sous Chef Sous.
Worse just a sire sauce.
Oh your turn.
What do you do as you deliver these eggs.
You got to.
You got to regularly deliver these eggs.
Regularly.
And then you have to.
13 and I'm going to give her a look down to see if she is the type of person that likes
to be flattered.
Give me an insight.
She's not.
Give me the insight to see if she is the type of person to be flattered.
Prison time made her a little swingish.
10.
She's just one spot nice.
Yeah you don't really get much from her reading.
She's putting off a pretty bland emotional state just kind of staring at the wall behind
her.
She doesn't even notice me giving her her eggs today.
No she doesn't.
She doesn't even acknowledge.
She doesn't even care about what happened yesterday.
What happened yesterday.
Yes.
What happened yesterday.
I don't remember.
She asked her what if she was 13.
She was like you mean my cell number.
Oh yeah yeah yeah cell number and then this is my age and yeah okay not my age.
Calls her bitch.
Yeah yeah she doesn't say anything.
She doesn't acknowledge you.
Alright I slide her eggs into her cell there and I'm just like hey girl I love you I wish
we could be best friends and I'll run away.
I didn't like your wording though.
I slide her eggs into her.
Her cell.
So yeah so you say that and as you say that you see this like blue on her arm.
It's gonna glow real bright and this guard kind of starts walking towards you and you
see his head just kind of explode and pop and like blood flings all around you.
She kind of whispers over her shoulder she said I said to stop fucking talking to me
and I know they told you so stop fucking talking to me.
And that guard just kind of falls on the ground and then you see you hear surveillance goblins
and all the corners go oh shit oh shit.
Then you see like a bunch of guards come like running up and they come up to you sassy sous
chef sous and they go what did you do what happened what did you do to him.
I didn't do that to him.
Is that your argument?
Like what do you mean I didn't do that to him.
Real persuasion.
I'm just delivering eggs so I don't know.
With advantage because you are delivering eggs.
19 plus 5 but with advantage I don't know if I can get a 20 now so it's 19 plus 5.
Yeah so you effectively you tell them that and they go well then what happened what happened
to him.
I don't know how to explain what happened to him his head just exploded.
They kind of all look around and they go like oh his head just exploded.
Yeah.
Oh okay and then they just kind of pick his body up and start dragging him off towards
the way and then you see him walk by one of the surveillance goblins he goes it's false
alarm it's false alarm it's 13 and then they kind of walk away and the surveillance goblins
all like calm to calm down and they go it's okay.
Just leave me standing here.
Yes and you're still standing there covered in blood.
I'm going to go back to my job.
Covered in blood still delivering eggs.
Okay so yeah that happens but you deliver your eggs through the rest of your shift and
take your stuff back to the kitchen.
What would you guys like to do as you guys are kind of in between your shift and you
are in between your shift in the kitchen doing dishes and stuff cleaning up for breakfast
and myself and yourself.
Yeah so what would you guys like to do.
I sleep tonight.
You sleep tonight yeah I should or a nurse lady is going to just fucking force you to
sleep.
Did you have her in the neck?
Luckily she just fast pills in your mouth.
Fast pill in your mouth.
Like I was a puppy.
Can I observe everything that happens on shift change?
On shift change as like they come in for night or what.
I guess yeah.
You can take a give me a perception check to see like what's going on as their shift
changes and stuff.
Six.
You see some guards kind of come in and then when you look up to see what they're doing
they're already outside moving on.
So Duke is going to sleep.
My name is Jeff.
Archie you want to do anything?
I mean fuck hamburger going.
You think tonight he's going to wait it out and then probably wait it out.
Wait it out.
Okay so yeah our night progresses.
Nothing really of importance happens.
Guards keep moving through.
Suspicions are high.
Intense is.
You know everybody's on high alert doing you know what they can especially people's heads
exploding in front of people.
But the night progresses through and morning comes and the same routine happens again as
if it's just a normal routine of each day.
She comes in and tells you guys good morning, get checks your stuff and then tells you all
to get ready for your shifts and stuff.
So they send out the early morning shift and you guys are getting your gear together to
prepare for the next shift which I know you have your sleeping pills so who's how's this
plan working?
Probably going to wait until we get back and then go down to the kitchen get some breakfast
and slip them to.
Yeah after they're done.
The sous chef.
Okay so Ham Berkler is taking the pills with him and you guys kind of get your stuff together.
Kelly you are doing your normal routine of the morning.
Sassy sous chef sous making your eggs and stuff so give me your another dexterity check.
Slide a hand.
Twelve.
Okay these eggs are still pretty good and your chef tidy is pretty impressed so you're
good and go.
It's becoming a normal routine flow of the day.
So yeah you guys are getting prepared for your shift and you start to head out as the
shift changes.
Would you like to make another perception check to see how the shift changes when these
guards come back in to take over?
Yeah.
When you take over for them?
Go for it.
Ten.
Ten?
Yeah.
Yeah you kind of notice them most of them kind of tiredly just kind of rush in and kind
of throw their stuff down not really caringly just kind of lay their equipment down and
just kind of lay down and go to bed but that's all you really see.
And yeah you guys make your way through your patrol.
Are you going to patrol as normal?
Is there anything special you'd like to do?
We're just doing like a past time till it's time to get to your actual plan or you want
to do anything special?
Hmm.
For extra preparation.
Because you know the time is coming.
This is your second day here and you have five days.
We got to try to figure out how.
Three days left.
Wait we don't actually plan to take her to the hospital do we?
We're just going straight for the elevator?
Um I don't know.
I think you're planning to take her to the hospital and then kind of break out of the
hospital.
How is your plan to get her to the hospital?
From?
To get her out or sell her or take her to the hospital.
Yeah.
I got your question.
It's up to you guys how you do that.
This vault you're talking about do we need a key or a special info to get into?
That's not the armory right?
No that's not here.
Okay.
This is a whole different section that they just need her to get to this vault.
So she hid everything from them in this vault.
You're saying during my patrol I could possibly open the armory door and take a little look
see what's inside.
You could try yeah.
You do have your thing your ability to unlock doors and such but there's always a case
of if there's guards and such too.
So that all is depending and I will be rolling for that stuff.
I'm sure there's a camera dude watching too.
I marked all the surveillance and green marks on the map are surveillance goblins.
Is there one in the kitchen?
There is not but there is one watching the entrance to the kitchen.
How far in does it go?
It holds like a it's a goblin hanging from the ceiling so he just kind of is in that
360 of that hallway watching the doorway and.
So he can't see me in my little cooking area.
No he cannot.
So there really isn't any surveillance near.
There is very good vault that's no near her cell.
Well it's watching that whole left and right side of the cells.
Yeah.
Indeed.
So as you guys kind of are patrolling around and making your way.
Was there something what were you guys wanting to do with when you want to do something?
I forgot because we.
I was curious about the vault but.
We wouldn't be doing that.
Yeah.
Well you guys can just pass through.
Let the patrol happen and then wait for when Ann Berkler wants to give the slip to.
Sassy Sous Chef Soup.
Is that what you like to do?
Yeah.
Okay.
So yeah your patrol is normal.
And yeah you shift change and you do your breakfast routine and pass out your eggs.
Anything special you like to do?
You like to just get her going?
I'm going to walk past her cell, pass her her eggs and keep on walking.
Keep on walking?
Yeah.
As you walk by you don't see any movement or any shift change from her.
So yeah you go through and you pass out your eggs and.
Roll something.
Okay.
So as you're walking a guard walks up to you and he goes.
He goes hey.
He goes you're new here aren't you?
A ya.
A ya?
He goes so how did you get this job?
I was given it.
You were given it?
That's just weird.
It's just weird.
Most of us are specially selected to get these jobs for the Lord's Alliance.
He goes I just.
You don't look like you're from around here.
So he's like I'm just wondering how you got this job.
So I can't be specially selected because I don't look different than you?
That's weird.
Yeah.
He goes that is weird.
It is very weird.
Make me a deception check Kelly.
I guess that's already set.
Deception.
18 plus 5.
Yeah so yeah you successfully deceive your way through this conversation.
And progress your way through delivering your eggs and moving on back to the kitchen to do your dishes and clean up.
Yeah.
So yeah the shift change in between moments.
So phase in between shift change phase spy network.
Go ahead.
What are you guys going to do?
I'm hungry so I'm going to go out in the kitchen and get some breakfast.
I'm awfully hungry.
Okay. Make your way to the kitchen and give me a dexterity check.
Acrobatics if you want.
What is that?
A natural one.
Yeah.
Plus 4 is 5.
Okay so that one plus 4.
So yeah you are kind of just making your way down this hall as kind of shifts are kind of moving through and stuff.
But you don't make it quite fast enough to the entrance of the kitchen and a bunch of guards kind of walk around the corner.
And they go whoa whoa whoa whoa what are you doing there?
What are you doing?
Why are you heading this way?
I'm going to get some food.
Did you mark the sign out sheet?
Yep.
He goes alright well we'll check that out when we get back there.
But you better make sure you mark that sign out sheet.
Because that's just serious around here buddy.
And like all the guards around him are like ha ha ha ha ha.
I like laughing to each other.
He goes but you know we'll keep our eye on you and watch your back.
And then they all kind of just walk past you and like shoulder shrug you and keep walking.
But yeah you can make your way to the kitchen if you like.
Do you cheers?
Yeah and you enter the kitchen and you see a sup sexy sous chef sous.
Sup.
So what would you like to do?
I'd like some breakfast Marv.
You want to make him some eggs?
I'm going to whip him up some 13 eggs.
That's what he likes.
Oh god Jesus.
That's a lot of eggs for a man.
About 13 eggs.
You going to give her the pills?
And as soon as she does all that and is going to hand it to me I'm going to look around.
Make sure there's nobody there.
Slide a hand.
And try to yeah.
Alright give me a slide a hand check.
19 plus 8.
Wow.
12.
That's a lot of darkasses.
Okay so yeah you go to hand it to him and you start to drop it and she reaches her hand
out and grabs it real quick and sees what you're doing and kind of slips it down into
your pocket and you got the sleeping pills.
And hand him his eggs.
You walk on.
Luckily nobody was watching you this time.
Yeah so you've got your deals.
You've got your stuff situated and you're heading back for the night to fall and continue
on through the night.
What do you guys want to do as night starts to peek around the corner?
What day is it now?
Like third day?
This is the end of day two I believe.
Yes.
So this next day will be three.
Normal sleep night.
Okay you sleep through the night peacefully.
What morning shift?
Normal routine.
She comes in good morning.
They're doing like that SpongeBob montage.
So good enough Gary's way.
Yeah you guys kind of do your things, get your gear ready and you're ready for your shift.
What would you guys like to do as you progress through your shift?
Anything special this time around or do you have to wait because you don't have any pills?
You got to wait on the eggs.
Okay so you guys progress through your thing.
You roll something.
Okay.
Nothing happens to you guys.
You're okay.
And you kind of go back through your patrol and make your way through.
And we go to Sassy Sue Chef Sue as you're making your eggs with Chef Tiny Tulane over your shoulder kind of watching you make your eggs.
So how would you like to do this?
So he's always just standing.
He's just kind of standing over like watching you like make your eggs and kind of looking around helping doing stuff.
But yes he's not like I mean he's not standing over your shoulder like looking straight down at your food.
I'm going to wait until he's distracted and he's not looking and the plate 413 I'm going to pop the pills open and put the powder in the pills.
Okay give me a stealth check and a sleight of hand check.
We're going to do a double check.
Give you a stealth check?
Yes and a sleight of hand check.
We're fucked.
With advantage?
Stealth check with advantage?
You know what yeah sure because you are very stealthy and there's no one expecting you to do anything sneaky.
17 plus 6 stealth.
What was the other one?
Sight of hand.
4 plus 8.
So 12.
To sprinkle the stuff on it?
Okay so yeah you sprinkle it on there and kind of mix it up but it's definitely grainy.
It's grainy looking on it.
You definitely sprinkled it across it so yeah are you ready to deliver your eggs?
I'll mix it in.
Mix it in the whole way there?
You should have put it in before you cooked it.
You didn't ask me if I wasn't given the opportunity.
Sure you can.
That's how you want to prepare it.
Yeah that's how I'll prepare it.
You crack the eggs and mix them up.
You prepare it how you want.
So just exit out what you said and start over.
What happened in time?
We'll still go with it whatever.
So when I crack the, when I pull the capsule apart and put the powder in the eggs I beat it up and then I fry them up, plate it.
Okay then well you gave me stealth checks.
You did all of it.
You did all.
So you can take your eggs to them all and to prisoner 13 and deliver.
The sweet, the goons.
And nonchalantly just like I did the day before walk by and give her her eggs and walk away.
Okay.
Yeah.
You got lucky.
You got lucky boss.
She doesn't smell anything weird.
She eats her eggs as normal.
Kind of munches them down and that's her normal thing.
Nothing of, nothing of, she doesn't notice anything of significance to the eggs.
Good.
So yeah you progress through your delivering of the eggs in the morning.
And go on through the night and continue on to your all's shift changes and stuff.
So what would you like to do as you're in between the night shift change?
How long do those pills last?
Like they will take about an hour for her to kick in.
So.
And then last how long?
How long will she stay asleep?
Yeah.
I guess we'll do a con save.
Probably should have asked the squish 8 to 10.
We gave her two of them.
So she will pretty good on her con save but she will stay, she'll stay asleep for at least a good couple hours.
You know what I mean?
Like she'll, you'll be able to get her out of the building without her waking up mid.
And make mid get out.
So yeah you gave her the food and stuff and it's been a good little bit.
You guys are waiting for her to do her thing.
So now what would you like to do?
We're going to be off shift when we're trying to get her out.
Yes.
Yes you will.
I was kind of waiting for her to pick up on that but.
Because you didn't just give her the pills and now she's digesting them and you're off shift.
So.
There's plenty of ways around it.
I mean you could try anything.
You could.
I mean if they, other guards get her out and take her to the hospital and see what's going on then we can go over there after they drop her off and try to sneak her out.
Try and sneak through there?
You could?
This is you conversing inside of your, inside of the barracks waiting.
There's also a couple guards kind of hanging out in the room and stuff sleeping waiting for their next shift to come on.
That's one of those surveillance for you and pointing out that she's just like, we're just checking stuff out.
Yeah.
They might let that slide since it's in the same like.
Not really leaving the barracks by much.
You could?
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you going to go to the surveillance deck, command room thing and just what, point out the camera and say hey bitch, it's asleep.
I'm just going to kind of like, I'm not going to immediately go to the security room but I want to kind of like scan and be a little bit like a guard would, you know, just checking out the cameras.
Okay.
So.
Okay.
So this is a hexagonal room and it's the base of the prison's central tower.
A spiral staircase rises to the tower's upper levels, several guards watch through the arrow slits observing the cells while one sits at a metal desk and console with a myriad of switches and dials and brass tube with a funnel like flare.
So, there are guards kind of looking through arrow slits inside there.
And as you walk into this like surveillance room, you see a couple guards looking through slits of arrows and observing cells along with the surveillance goblins on the outside.
And one man sitting at a desk with all kinds of switches and dials and whatnot.
I guess I'll walk a loop behind them looking over the switch, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
As they walk by.
Okay.
I just do my waxy move and whatever.
I would imagine that she probably didn't have time to like get in bed and get ready for bed.
Yeah, let me roll that real quick.
I don't know if she passed out like standing or is she like, oh, let me casually get in bed and get a good kiss and.
Based off this deck's thing I just made for her, she's like, when you're looking through the slit and you get to where prisoners, you can see her cell.
All you see is her face leaned against the front of like the door to it and like her legs just like a bind.
She's just like full face into the thing based off her desk thing that she made.
So yeah, it looks off to say the least.
Essentially when I get by the window and I see her like that, I'm going to kind of be like, my name Jeff.
Okay, so yeah, you do that.
And they're like, what?
What? My name Jeff?
What is it? You're very respected.
What is it?
I point through the slit.
Timmy's stuck it well.
Yeah, I point down the slit there, her cell.
Yeah.
Hopefully they'll see it.
Yeah, they look and they go, oh, you're pointing at 13.
What? Oh shit, wait a minute.
Hey, something is wrong with 13.
And like you see like the guards at the area, they kind of all the guards kind of run out of the room and it's just the man sitting at the console and you.
And then the guards run out to her cell and you make me perception check.
Okay.
With advantage because you're looking over this content behind him.
17 on the first one.
14.
Okay, so 17.
You see him reach up and you know how there's like switches on there's like a couple of switches on the left and then there's like a dial dial dial dial.
You see him pull the far left switch and then hit the middle dial and then the cell 13 door like unhinges like the magic on it kind of top turns off.
Okay.
So you see that what would you like to do as they start to kind of gather her up you're inside the console room.
Go back to the barracks.
Okay.
Cool.
Thank God.
I really thought you were about to open up every prison cell.
Yeah.
I was like, please don't look at her.
Just start pulling my way.
Twisted my name.
Okay.
My name is Jack.
Okay, so yeah, you head back to the barracks.
What would you like to do there?
Kind of start to gather her up and make take her to the hospital.
You got like a good couple just a few moments before they get her to the hospital.
So objective.
How many is taking her to the hospital?
There was about three or four guards.
There's four guards inside there that are gathering her up taking her to the they were like arrow slits at all four corners of the console room.
We got a couple hours.
Of her being out. Yes. So she'll be in hospital at least for a couple hours while she's unconscious while they figure out what's going on or so.
The hard part, I got a plan.
Yeah.
But it's going to leave pretty much everyone.
Well, I could maybe slip the info to them too.
But old sous chef is going to be left completely in the dark as the whole operation goes down.
Well, what's your plan?
Maybe we can work away.
I was planning on maybe going down there and getting the guards attention next to the hospital since I'm so well respected.
Maybe getting into the guard room.
And then once they're all in there, I'll kind of say my goodbyes.
It'll sound like goodbye, but it'll really just be a ninja.
And as I go out the door, I'll lock it.
And then I'll go in and I'll probably knock out the nurse that's in there, the doctor, and have to scoop over.
So if you're going to...
It'll be a run for the hills.
So if you're going to do that, these two could go for sous chef.
They could, but they got a lot more like, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Goodbye.
So.
Yeah.
Well, it's an idea.
I mean, that's fine.
You want to do that?
So from what the plan is so far, what I'm hearing is my name is Jeff is going to go to the hospital to check on 13 and to talk to his guard buddies because he's so well respected.
Get them into the guard room across the hall.
Use the gym to lock the door while you guys go get sassy sous chef.
Let her know the plan and then meet him at the hospital to get her out.
Okay, but that means you guys have to get by at least one surveillance goblin and possibly some guards to get her out.
So you have that to worry about.
But that's just your question.
Would I have to worry about the surveillance?
Or would it just be guards that would question me being out?
Since I'm wearing a guard outfit.
Yeah, you're wearing a guard outfit.
I figured the goblins wouldn't know individuals.
They just know outfits.
It's more so the goblin would be concerned if he sees two guards come in there and just take a kitchen person out as they're all just kind of slinking around.
The hallways together, not on shift.
Just making sure so I'll step out and be like, are there any guards who sign around?
Maybe we can pick her one up.
Make me an investigation check while you're inside the barracks.
First question, are there women guards?
Can both of us make an investigation check?
Yeah.
I didn't know.
Yeah, you both can.
I mean, I think sex is in this place.
I would say there is.
Ten.
I got twelve.
Twelve?
I'll say you find one guard outfit for a really fat dude.
So yeah, you do have one, but it may not fit.
We can just tie it back.
Tie the metal armor back.
The uniform.
It just looks a little baggy.
So you can.
I'll let you do that, but you guys will have disadvantage on sneaking and charisma checks against other guards.
It's still way better than just the cook, I guess.
Okay, well yeah, let's do that then.
So you take the guard outfit and you're going to...
So you guys make your way towards the kitchen to go get Sassy Sous Chef.
And my name is Jeff.
You are making your way to the hospital.
So you enter the hospital and you see the guards that took thirteen in there.
And then the nurses sitting there kind of doing some vital readings on her and stuff and checking her breathing.
Looking under her medicine cabinet to see if anything's missing, all kinds of stuff.
And you kind of enter.
What would you like to do?
I'd say...
I'm sure you can guess.
Yes.
My name's Jeff.
And I kind of wave him over.
I start to walk to the guard room.
I'm guessing the door's open.
Okay, yeah.
So they kind of look at you and they go, well, we're going for performance.
Because that's kind of my name is Jeff's way of talking at this point.
Well...
Not good.
What's performance based on?
I think it's charisma.
It says performance.
Four?
Okay, so yeah, you're waving your hands and stuff and they're like, my name is Jeff.
Are you okay?
Are you worried about thirteen?
She's right here.
You can see her.
It's fine.
You can see her.
You can check her out if you want.
And I just say, my name's Jeff.
And I keep waving them over and shaking my head.
Okay, roll me one more performance check.
Oh, God, please.
Eleven.
Okay, let me...
I mean, they've got to work with me.
My name's Jeff.
So yeah, they go, oh, he wants us to talk and follow him out there.
We respect my name is Jeff.
Let's go talk to him.
And they kind of walk out the door.
Walk into the guard room.
Yeah, they start following you in the guard room.
They're like, you wanted to talk without thirteen here just because you're worried about her, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My name's Jeff.
Yeah, so they're inside the guard room.
And you guys kind of do your little conversation.
So as you're talking to them in the guard room, you three are...
You've gathered Sae-Sae-Soo Chef.
You're in the kitchen with her.
You're filling her in on the plan.
And you're going to put on a guard uniform.
It's for a way too fat person.
So you're going to wear this.
Yeah, so you get in it and tie it off as best you can.
So you guys need to make...
I will say...
Give me a stealth check at disadvantage.
What does that mean?
Not me, right?
Well, print one.
Really?
Yeah, sorry.
Crit fail.
Nine plus...
Crit fail.
So I got thirteen.
Okay, so you guys come walking out of this door and you're like armor that's way too big, fluffing around.
And you just kind of fall and you see Sae-Sae-Soo Chef kind of fall out of the armor uniform completely and roll out into the floor in front of the goblin.
She crit failed.
And he goes, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what is Kitchen doing? Kitchen person doing off shift, oh shit.
And so it kind of yells and does that and you got probably about a turn of movement.
You can do about one thing before your guards start coming this way.
So you guys need to make me a dexterity check.
All of us? Me too.
Yeah, to run towards the hospital.
But guards are on their way towards that goblin.
At disadvantage again?
No, no, because she's already out of the armor.
She lost it.
She's going to crit fail immediately as you walk out of the door.
Eight.
Ten.
Eighteen plus four.
Eighteen plus four?
Okay, so you two are lagging far behind and Sae-Sae-Soo Chef just down the hallway runs to the hospital door.
So as she's almost around the corner, you have a moment before they get to you.
My name is Jeff.
So what would you like to do with the guards still?
Do we hear the oh shit?
We're hearing a faint oh shit kind of echoing throughout the hallways, yes.
I kind of like turn, like I hear something.
I say, my name Jeff.
I step out the door.
I step out the door and as I step out I use our ability to close the door.
Okay, so you kind of do that and they all look and they go, my name is Jeff.
What is it?
And the door goes and locks.
They're like, my name is Jeff.
My name is Jeff.
And I hit the door trying to yell your name.
But the door is effectively locked because that is your ability.
Yeah, and as that happens you see Sassy Sous Chef come running around the corner.
So what would you guys like to do?
Because you're about to have some guards up on you.
I'm about to run in that hospital room like Bobby Boucher and take out that doctor's
belt again.
Okay, give me a strength athletics check.
My name Jeff.
You guys kind of run around the corner and there's guards on your tail.
Strength athletics.
Nine.
Nine?
Okay, so you come running in there to, hang on actually.
Oh, she rolled bad.
So you come running in there and how do you knock this nurse unconscious?
Just a sprinting elbow in the face.
Elbow in the face.
Okay, yeah, she goes across the room, hits the medical cabinet, falls to the ground to
sleep and are you going to just snag at 13 and run?
Are you guys getting the fuck out of there?
How long has it been since?
I'd say with all of this happening it's been probably close to an hour because you've been
running around to the barracks, back to the barracks, they took the bear, they had to
go get Sassy, they had to sneak, you had to talk to them.
So you've got about probably two hours left of her being unconscious.
Snag some more sleeping pills and shove them down your throat.
Oh, you said three hours?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
It's only been about an hour so she's been about two hours of sleep.
I'm going to pretty much tell them to handle her, you know, whether they're going to tie
her up or whatnot.
I am raiding the medicine cabinets.
Okay, okay.
Roll me a investigation check just to see how much, because you're going to find them,
but how much of what you're finding?
Very nice.
Yeah, 15.
15?
Okay, yeah, you find a lot of like pain killers, sleeping medicine, lots of different models
of stuff that they've just gathered up here and you just shove it all into a bag and do
their thing.
Yeah, that or my underwear.
Yeah, underwear or whatever.
So we have handcuffs, right?
Yeah, you would.
So I'm going to use my set of handcuffs to handcuff her hands behind her back and then
someone can use their set of handcuffs for her.
Yeah, I need her handcuffs.
Okay, yeah, that's fine.
You guys, click her up, click her up and then pack her out of there.
Yeah, so you guys just going to haul ass now?
You guys just get her over the shoulder.
So it's going to be me.
Everybody give me strength athletics or dexterity acrobatics checks as you run.
17 athletics.
Oh, that's a seven, thank God.
I was like no.
What were the options?
Either dexterity acrobatics or strength athletics.
13 acrobatics.
Okay.
Nine strength.
Four plus six acrobatics.
Okay, yeah, so you roll better than all of the guards chasing you.
So you guys effectively haul ass to the elevator, roll your way down, blow past some guards,
shine some light down the way and you see the ship coming in from the sea.
Quickly jump onto the boat and you have effectively escaped with prisoner 13 through strategic planning
and lots of chaotic rolls and lucky rolls.
The guards close enough to hear us.
Yes, they are like right on your tail.
Right there, like you're on the boat.
They're at the edge of the dock like motherfucker.
I'm not Jeff, bitch.
You see all of the guards like drop to their knees.
My name is Jeff.
As you sail away you know that there might be some grudges held by some very upset men
who loved a man who they didn't know who he really was.
They'll never trust a Jeff again.
That's my name is Jeff sails away.
I deserve it.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as a Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Dude Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly and Tristan Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram
under ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
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