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use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Who wants to go first?
Hi, I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin's never been to Five Guys.
Never been to Five Guys?
Yep,
Never been with Five Guys.
Never had Five Guys?
Never been to Five Guys.
Alright.
Mini.
Hey guys, Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, he has a secret mansion in the hills.
What hills?
Just a hill up somewhere.
Alright, hey Nate here.
My character's Duke Crystal.
He's the 32-year-old drug addicted level 4 barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he's wrecked 28 people in road rage incidents.
28!
He's kept track of all of them.
Yeah.
He remembers them vividly.
He's sworn if he ever sees them again, they're dead.
Yeah.
I see it.
Hey everybody, Ryan Tucker here, R2.
Here I play as Fleastick Sockjelly
I am the hobo trashmaster cleric of the God Rumpke.
I am the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, Fleastick always dreamed of being a garbage truck driver when he got old.
He's for the Rumpke gods.
Yeah, that's a good occupation for him.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the Dummy Master and my fun fact is, there's a person who wanted a turkey to be the national bird of the United States.
Do you guys know who that is?
Benjamin Franklin.
Me!
It was Benjamin Franklin.
Yes, Benjamin Franklin wanted to make the wild turkey the national bird of the United
States.
I am Benjamin Franklin.
Why not?
You gobble gobble one, dude.
Yeah, history.
I see more turkeys than eagles.
Ryan said, “Benjamin Franklin”
he's like.
It was Benjamin Franklin.
He knows his Ben Franklin.
All right.
He knows his Ben Franklin.
All right, let's get into some D&D.
So where we left off, you guys were traveling to Vandalin to go meet with Varan Axebreaker.
Snow started to fall and we had our goblin experience of Christmas wonders and you guys
have made your way towards Vandalin and you've turned down towards the Tribor Trail.
So Vandalin is just about an hour away.
You guys are fully rested.
You got good health.
It is about noon, so it's like middayish starting to get there and you guys are very close to
Vandalin.
Is there anything you guys want to do before you arrive at Vandalin?
You're supposed to be meeting with Varan Axebreaker.
Is there anything you want to prepare for or if you want to just go straight there, that's
up to you.
We're fully long rested and everything.
Yeah, yeah.
Go straight there.
Go long rested.
Go straight there.
Straight there?
Darn shops are not near by.
This is the Tribor Trail.
It's just a trail that leads back through towards Vandalin and some further areas.
You were given a map by Lilith Darko that kind of shows you where, so you know where
you're going.
You know the trail that you're taking and stuff.
So yeah, if you guys want to just head on to Vandalin, that is fine.
So as you approach Vandalin, you see this big town, but it's kind of like, looks like
it was run down at one point and now is kind of just being built back up.
Like it's just, you can tell it's starting to flourish very well, but it's on the build
up is what you can tell.
So you guys have to meet with Varan Axebreaker.
So as you enter this town, you're seeing buildings with signs that say like Vandalin's Miners
Exchange and you're seeing woodworker places and you're seeing blacksmiths.
You're seeing a general place of, you know, community and functionality and stuff.
So what would you guys like to do?
Would you like to try and find Varan Axebreaker or would you like to fiddle around in the town?
I like to fiddle around in the town.
What would you like to do?
You've seen woodworker, you've seen the Vandalin Miners Exchange as you're entering and then
there's a building called the Lion's Shield Coaster.
Coaster?
Coaster.
I don't know how you say that.
And as you walk towards the Lion's Shield Coaster, you see a big building that says
Townmaster's Hall.
Would you like to go into the Lion's Shield Coaster?
Yeah.
Let me check it out.
Sounds like some kind of donor.
Hanging above the front door of this modest trading post is a sign shaped like a wooden
shield with a blue line painted on it.
You enter and let me see the woman that's in here.
The woman is Leneen.
Okay, yeah.
So she says, hello, I am Leneen.
What would you guys like?
You guys here for adventuring gear, armor, weapons, anything of the sorts?
You scared of cursed swords?
She like stops, she goes, oh my God, cursed swords.
Okay, so she goes, what do you mean?
Why?
What?
You got a cursed sword that you're wanting me to look at?
Yeah, I was wondering if you could maybe refine it and give it a nice edge.
Refine it and give it a nice edge?
Clean it up some.
It's been a while.
She goes, let me take a look at it.
And you present it to her, like lay it on the counter.
Yeah, beforehand, I want to let her know that when you grab it, it does give you a bit of
a zing.
A bit of a zing?
Okay.
So you lay the sword on the counter and she looks at it and she reaches her hand out to
touch for it.
And she sees like the, you guys can see the symbiotic like little flowing around the handle
and it kind of stretches out towards her and she jumps back and she goes, oh shit.
Okay.
No, I don't, I don't know what to do about that.
She goes, I was just going to say like, I have some shields and some swords and maybe
like a helmet.
She goes, I don't think I can do anything for this because I don't want to touch this
thing.
Well, I grabbed the sword and then I say that concludes our business.
She goes, okay.
Thank you.
Any, anyone else?
Would you like anything?
No, I'm fine.
I'm here.
Yeah, you guys are all in time.
Yeah, we got one.
Yeah, what kind of, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is the blacksmith's or maybe the costar?
She's the costar, but she sells weapons, armors and all the swords.
I just want to hear what kind of equipment she's got.
So she's got about the most average kind of some stuff.
She's got some little jars of a called alchemist fire.
Just like little potions you could throw that create fire.
Little acid potions or potions, acid vials.
She has caltrops.
She has a crossbow.
That's caltrops.
As an action, you can spread a bag of caltrops to cover a square area that is five feet on
any side.
Basically any creature that enters is dexterity save of 15 or they stop moving on their turn
and take one piercing down.
That's what the shinobi would throw down, like the little spikes on the jacks basically.
Yeah, that you'd step on and step on.
She's got kind of a lot of that stuff.
Climber kits, crowbars, healers kit, lots of things.
How much is the healers kit?
Healers kit?
She was too scared to touch the sword.
It cost five gold pieces.
Five gold pieces?
For a healers kit.
Yes.
Alright.
I want two.
Two.
Okay.
You're gonna have two.
There you go.
Thanks for doing business.
One band-aid each.
Anything else you guys would like?
What kind of armor do you got?
Mostly generic armors like leather armor, normal plated armor, nothing eccentric and
crazy.
You boring, bro.
She goes, oh, okay.
Okay, well then, is that all you'd like?
Nothing else?
Just kidding, just kidding.
He's not.
He's not?
Okay.
Are you guys done in this place?
Indeed.
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright.
And unless she can actually do some blacksmithing.
She can't make no blacksmithing right now, really.
Oh yeah, let's go to the blacksmith.
You wanna go to the blacksmith?
Okay.
I don't know how, I don't have a person for this.
Yeah, you guys go up to the blacksmith and you see a dwarf and he is kind of banging
on some metal and, you know, head banging on some metal.
He's banging it.
Creating some weapons and such and he turns around and he goes, ah, what can I do for
you?
Are you looking for some smithing to be done?
Yeah, I was wondering if I could take this crystal from my helmet and enhance my staff
somehow with it.
He like takes your crystal and he takes your staff and he's like, son, this isn't metal.
He goes, I don't know what I can do with this.
He goes, if you want me to take it for the night, I can maybe talk to some other people
and see what they can do.
Yeah, let's do that.
Okay.
Alright.
I'll roll for that here a little bit.
Okay.
We'll see how that works out for him.
Wait for the night?
Oh no, no.
I'll just never mind.
Okay.
I'll just turn around and like take it back.
Does he like, you don't want me to take it?
No, yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
Alright.
Well, you can have it back.
It's no big deal.
So I'm just going to see if I can help.
Alright.
I appreciate it.
There's lots of woodworking going on with me.
Yeah.
Yeah, but can they help with magic stuff?
We don't know.
Car brands into it?
Yeah.
Maybe.
I don't know.
But anything else?
You like to talk to this blacksmith to do anything special?
Yeah.
I'm going to ask him the same question.
Are you scared of curse sewers?
He's like, oh, curse sewers.
I'm not scared of no curse sword.
I've had seen plenty in my days.
Alright.
I think you can clean this one up.
Maybe sharpen her up a bit.
Find it soon.
Yeah.
He like pull, you pull out the sword and he like reaches for it and it like goes to smack
his hand and like you see this just like British like dwarf hand just like smokes against them
with that symbiotic touch and it just like like slithers away.
He goes, yeah, I've got my body charmed.
He goes, your curses won't hurt me because I'll sharpen your blade for you.
And like kind of turns around and starts going at it and he goes, that will be 50 gold pieces
though.
That's fine.
Just to get a little edge on it.
Paid.
Okay.
How to, you try to imbue this crystal into my dragon slayer sword.
You think you can handle that?
Would it do anything?
He would probably have to do the same to take it to somebody to get the magic stuff figured
out because he's not a magic guy.
Exactly.
Like he's not going to be over there like forming magic to a weapon.
That takes more than just one person because they have to concentrate all that magic to
transfer it into a weapon.
Yeah.
Like they could try it, but it may also blow up your weapon.
Nevermind.
Can you just clean my silver duck for me?
Yeah, they can do that.
So 50 gold pieces if you want to clean up your sword.
Okay.
So if you have them clean up your sword, I'm going to say you guys get an advantage to
use with your attack at any time.
Like you can have one advantage to use like with an attack.
Like if you're like, I want to hit this deck.
You can use it with an advantage since you got your blades sharpened up, cleaned, wet
stoned, smithed.
Hey, would you like to go find Varen or is there anything else you'd like to do here
before you go find this dude?
They're an ass breaker.
You said ass breaker, that's what I know you do.
Don't know how much while he would be doing it upgrading.
Like I could maybe give you, what is your armor at right now?
What is it?
What's your pop tab armor when you click on it?
This is 14.
If you want to pay him 150 gold pieces, you will have to leave it with him for the night
so that he could enhance it, but yes, he could do that.
But you'd have to leave it with them for the night to kind of modify it, modify it.
I'll do it on a different quest.
Okay.
All right.
You guys like to go find Varen ass breaker?
What about your woodworking guy?
I'll do it later.
Okay.
All right.
So yeah, you guys are going to start heading through town and you're going to go towards
frolicking through town.
Sorry.
You were given a heads up that he would be at the stone hill in.
So as you guys start making your way through town, looking at signs and such, you see the
stone hill in and you want to enter.
I'm assuming you want in and find Baron.
Walk in sniff the air.
Okay.
Give me a perception check.
Miss muffin smelling.
Sniff check.
14.
Okay.
You walk in and you take a really deep smell and make me a con save.
Oh no.
Why?
Why are you making me do that?
10.
Okay.
So you walk into this room and take a big deep breath and you just smell like, like
there's a lot of miners living in this in like dwarf and miners that have been just
out mining for hours and hours and you smell.
Yeah.
You smell the worst nut butter and sweat smell of your life creep into your nose and you
take a, take a huge gag, but you kind of hold it back and don't throw up on the floor at
least.
So as you enter, you kind of scan the room and you see a dwarf who's got braided hair.
His beard is black.
Beard are black.
He got streaks of gray through him.
He wears a loose and comfortable robe over a very large steel breastplate.
You can assume that that's Baron Axebreaker.
Would you like to approach him and talk?
Assume it's him?
Was it a cod plate or a breastplate?
Breastplate.
Steel breastplate.
Yeah.
Breastplate.
Yeah.
So as you approach Baron, he goes, ah, you are the ones I've been waiting for.
Aren't you?
You guys, the ones that are supposed to be helping sent by Lilith?
Yes, I'm.
Well, thank you for hearing me out and my plan that I've got going because my name is
Baron Axebreaker.
Oh, that's why it stinks in here.
Well, that's Baron Axebreaking.
As you say that, you see him look at you, straight at you and he like stands up and
you just see him pick up like this shelf.
There's like a shelf of axes and he just like leaves it and shatters this axe over his knee.
He's like, it's Axebreaker, not Assbreaker.
And he sits down.
He goes, and I have a proposition for you.
My clan has located wealth stolen from us many years ago, but it's sealed in a vault
that's magically locked.
And if you can recover the key, whatever the key is, you'll gain an undying gratitude of
Clan Axebreaker and I'll cut you in a percentage of the recovered treasure, of course, from
our vault.
The catch here is the person who knows how to open this vault is rotting away in the
prison of Revel's End.
She's proved uncooperative with my people in the past, but I recently discovered the
vault where she hid what she stole from us.
I need you to go question her and learn how to open the vault.
And how you do that is up to you.
But if you need to spring her from prison in exchange for this information, please do
so.
I can provide you with a way in and as well as a layout of Revel's End and a few useful
tricks.
So you guys are being tasked to break into the prison Revel's End and break out a prisoner.
One question.
Yes.
Why do you break axes?
Why does he break axes?
Because there's nothing stronger than breaking a metal axe.
Because you don't want to break your asses.
It's better than breaking your ass.
You break an axe.
The other person axe at you.
I don't know, you ask the man, you break his axe and then you break his ass.
Let's see which one was worse.
You see him take a deep look.
He's like, that's true.
I've never thought about that part.
You could always get another axe.
Yes, you could.
You couldn't get another axe.
You couldn't.
He's not really questioning his life choices.
He goes, well, he goes, shit.
Okay, well listen.
All right.
Sorry, we'll go back to subject.
I'm going to actually send you guys this in the group chat.
That caused a midlife crisis.
He's like, real quick.
He's breaking his ass.
So I'm going to send that in the group chat just for you to have a reference for every
time you want to open it.
I'm just going to pop it open on the map right now.
So Verin retrieves a faceted sapphire the size of a small orange and places it on the
table.
He takes his hand over the gem and a glowing blue image of a building floor plan appears
in the air above it.
He taps the gem and the image vanishes.
The sapphire splits into sections and he passes one fragment to each of you, like this crystal
fragment.
The fragment grows warm in your hand and then melts and then vanishes, leaving a warm tingling
sensation behind.
And he goes, think about the map of Revel's Inn and you'll be able to see it.
So you have a hollow loop that will appear in front of you of Revel's Inn's prison to
use.
It does not cost an action.
You can do that at any time you want to look at it.
That's why I sent it to each of you on the thing, just so you were like, oh, I want to
look at this spot and you can look it up real quick in the star chat.
The group chat.
He does mention though, he says, but this magic will only last five days after you reach
Revel's Inn.
So once you reach the prison, you have five days to access until this gem will wear off
and you won't be able to access the map anymore.
Okay.
That's intense.
Yes.
Is there any questions that you have about this mission before we begin and we move on?
No.
No?
Yeah.
How many guards are there going to be?
Like what's the intel on?
Where are we preaching from?
It says plus.
Okay.
The prison has a garrison of 75 guards who work eight hour shifts.
Two thirds of the garrison is off duty and resting in area R19 at any given time.
So there's always a switch out of guards.
Each guard wears a tunic that bears the Lord's Alliance emblem, a gold crown on a red field.
And then the Lord's Alliance is an alliance of all the Lords.
It's a phantom and never winter all the cities.
So if you guys get caught, you're fucked and you're on your own.
But you want magic.
Lilith told me of your problem, your dimensional problem, and he goes, and if you want magic
info, then this vault is the way to get it.
So you get the information, you get the key, come back to me and we open the vault together
and get you the info you need.
So you have as much riding on this as we do to not get caught.
So yes, that is the situation on the guards.
And he also says, he goes, the staff rotate out periodically and we know the schedule
of the next rotation and my agents are standing by to capture a member of the guards and cooks.
So you can take their places if you like to approach that way.
You guys are free to approach any way you like.
But if you want to take the secret sneak in with the guards and cooks, I can assign that
and set that up and have a boat that takes you guys there.
He probably sounds like the best one.
So he goes, but I will warn you that prisoner 13, she was a trusted agent of clan Axebreaker
until she betrayed the clan, stole its fortune and if pressed, she will kill you.
So he kind of tells you, like looks at you guys like really reluctantly.
He goes, her name is Corder Glintstone.
He goes, don't bring that name up unless you need to to identify her.
Because if you say her name that someone else knows, you will have problems.
Because she has running through this prison.
She runs this place on her own through her powers.
I don't know how, but she is running things as a prisoner.
So yes, you guys have that info.
We are she and another thing here I need to tell you.
So we got to break someone out that we don't trust at all.
For the escape of this, I will have a small ship within sight of the prison but at a safe
distance.
So when you guys are ready to leave their prison with the target or the info or however
you need to do, you can shine a light from the dock after dark and the ship will roll
in to pick you guys up.
So you have all of this information.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
I said why not?
Oh, I thought you said, uh.
Okay, so here is where we are going to break down some stuff.
Who, do you all want to be guards or do you some want to be guards and some be cooks so
that you have a diverse separation of this prison or you all want to stick together as
one unit?
Like how do you want to do this?
I don't like splitting up.
For when they capture these guards and stuff, they know who to replace you with.
Well, I think if some of us are guards that will give us access to the armory as well
and maybe we could lock that up and lock them off from getting in there in case something
goes wrong.
So yeah, Varen tells you also, he says with that gem that's embedded into your fleshy
skin there, you will be able to activate kind of like a hack system if you would.
You can hack a door, make it lock, make it unlock, but once you use that on another door,
that one will cease to be working as you were.
So you know what I mean, you can lock and unlock one at a time, shut off a camera one
at a time, only one type of action thing at a time with your gems.
So we can't do like a total blackout.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't be like lock this door, lock that door, lock that door, lock that door and like
every door is locked down.
Yeah, you can't do it like that.
So only one of it, even though we all have key cards, only one can run.
Only one process because the gem is separated into four so you're all kind of on the same
energy bandwidth.
Yeah.
Okay, so are you all, what do you guys want to do with your plane here?
Guards and cooks or just guards, just cooks?
I feel like we should at least have one cook or something.
It has like a contingency.
Mm hmm.
Again?
Anybody want to be a cook?
Whoever knows they can do the best, I'm not going to.
I can make tuna.
I mean, to our rogue, it would be better for a cook to sneak around than it would.
I don't really cook.
I am a cook.
Like a guard can walk around more calmly than.
Dude, does it really cook food?
Yeah.
That's not any special thing.
You want to do that?
No, it's fine, I'm okay.
You want to be a cook?
Yeah.
Okay.
The rest of you just going to be guards then?
Yeah.
Did anyone else want to be a cook?
I could put something in a food maker's six and then we have to take it to the hospital
and then we go to take it to the hospital and you slip right the door.
That is a good plan.
It is a good plan.
Like medical.
Huh.
Hmm.
Who's going to be medical?
Well, it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
They're the guards.
Because the hospital is right next to the exit elevator.
Is it really?
I just turn off the camera and look in the air cell when we're doing patrol and then
I beat the shit out of her and then turn the camera back on.
I'm trying to like, where did they go?
You do have to be careful though because if you...
They probably going to black out on the camera.
You do have to be careful because you guys are replacing guards but that means you will
have shifts.
So like if you're off your shift and you want to sneak around and look, you're still going
to have to sneak around.
If a guard sees you, he's not going to be like, what the fuck?
But he's going to be like, hey buddy, why you walking around here?
Because you're not going to shift.
So yeah, there will be things that can happen with what you got.
Yes, you got the holo map.
You are ready to go if you're ready to go.
You got a plan, somewhat of a plan, maybe poison her and see if medical can get out.
Yeah.
We might do some studying of the facility once we're in.
You know you got five days once you've reached the place until your gym wears out.
So you at least have five days to try and...
Yeah, we might take a day for reconnaissance.
Okay, so you guys ready to head out then?
Yeah.
Okay, so as you guys kind of go to walk out, you are each equipped with a set of four greater
healing potions from Varren.
He's going to give each of you four to take with you.
It has a prepayment to keep you alive, to get the job done just in case things shit hits the fan.
Are we going to have a specific type of inventory once we go in then?
Yeah, once you get in, you're going to have to give up your weapons and you're going to have to get your
standard gear of a guard, yes.
You would be a guard basically.
You could conceal weapons if you have certain weapons to conceal, like a dagger or something.
Can I carry more than those four potions?
More than those?
Yeah, you can carry as many potions as you want.
I already had four.
Yeah, they're not going to confiscate a potion from you.
Is that four dispersed or per person?
Each person is going to get four because he wants to keep each of you alive to get this job done.
So just potion of healing?
Greater.
Greater healing.
Four of them.
I got six of them now.
I got eight.
I'm going to really do some guarding.
Okay, are you guys ready then?
Head out.
All prisoners in the Rebels End are identified by a number as well.
So like for protocol, every prisoner is just prisoner whatever.
Prisoner 13 is who you are after.
Okay, so Varen has sent word out to his agents.
And you guys meet up with a dwarf spy named Bethra.
You guys arrive in Luskin and she provides you with the uniforms for your chosen covers and directs you to report to a ship called the Jolly Pelican.
In the following dawn, this ship regularly delivers a fresh rotation of prison staff to Rebels End and returns the relief ship to the Sword Coast.
There are 25 guards and six cooks are bound for the prison.
One is Miss Muffin as a cook in full cook outfit and chef hat.
Chef Dave Muffet.
Are you guys taking fake names while you go in here?
My name's Jeff.
Your name's Jeff?
His name is God Jeff.
God Jeff.
Miss Muffin, what's your fake name?
Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
Hang on, I'm going to have to write some stuff down.
Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
Hi.
Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
Why would you do that?
Why can't you just have a name like that?
My name's Jeff.
I don't want to be Jeff.
Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
You're Jeff.
I'm Borat.
We're going right now.
Duke, you are...my name's Jeff.
My name's Jeff.
Jeff.
His name is my name?
Yes.
It is now.
Mine's my first name.
His name, my middle name.
Archie, what's your fake name?
It's Jeff.
It is a possibility Jeff.
It's Jeff.
My name's Jeff.
I don't know.
Fleece Dick, what's your fake name?
I'm De Zohan.
De Zohan?
De Zohan.
Alright, De Zohan.
Okay, Archie?
Oh shit.
Nate, what's Archie's name?
Huh?
What's Archie's name?
Ronald.
Archie's name?
What's his fake name?
What's our fake name, guys?
The Hamburglar.
Alright, Hamburglar.
That's the first one I heard.
How's that?
Or Jimmy Hendrix?
Just because of Archie though.
His name is Jimmy.
So, yeah, we have...
Nick Nixon.
Okay, so we have our...
That's how you spell.
My name is Jeff.
Alright, so we got Miss Muffins.
So we got Miss Muffin in disguise as Sassy Sous Chef Sous.
Sassy Sous Sassy.
Archie as Hamburglar and Flea Stick as the Zoho.
And they make their journey towards...
Zoho.
To the Rebels Inn.
We go through a deep montage of traveling through sea, Flea Stick puking, people crying,
and everyone mad.
So we push through and then as you guys kind of are looking through a haze of sea-driven
madness and lay on the sea for three days, perched on a high cliff overlooking the sea
of moving ice is a bleak stone fortress carved from a gigantic blade-shaped rock.
A central tower looms above the rest of the fortress and a light leaks from its arrow
slits.
Four smaller towers rise from the outermost corners of the fortress and guards can be
seen atop them.
So you guys are approaching from sea.
It is extremely cold by the way.
Like you guys are all being given like blankets and shit while on the ship.
But it is like if someone tried to break out of here and run, they would freeze death before
they made it anywhere.
Nipples.
Yes, your nipples are hard.
The prison has four guard towers you saw.
Okay, so as you guys kind of dock up to the edge of the mountain, the cave-in-out, you
guys are directed off of the ship and you are headed towards an elevator to the cliff
and it takes you way up atop through these front doors.
Okay, so the characters posing as guards.
You guys are taken to the barracks, so area R19 if you are using your map to look at.
You will know that.
So you guys are directed off the ship and towards an elevator.
You ride this elevator to a cliff top and are admitted through the front doors and the
characters posing as guards are taken to the barracks in area R19 where you meet with head
guard Yula Dargaria, a no-nonsense stickler for the prison's rules.
She kind of looks at all of you three guards standing there and she goes, I don't recognize
your faces.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Jeff.
He goes, your name is Jeff?
My name is Jeff.
She looks over at Dazohan and she goes, is he saying anything else other than my name
is Jeff?
My name is Dazohan.
She looks at you, I didn't ask you that.
She goes, does he say?
So your name is Dazohan?
Dazohan, yes.
Dazohan, yes?
Okay, alright, alright.
She looks over at Archie and she goes, what's your name?
I'm Dazohan.
That gets silky smooth.
My name is Dan Burglar, but you can call me Berg for short.
Berg!
Because I'm not going to call you Berg for short because we don't do nicknames around
here, private.
Whatever.
She kind of looks at you guys and she goes, okay, so all of you get your shit together,
get your bed set up, get ready for your shifts and we will be back here soon to get you guys
going.
And she kind of like does a full like, stands at my name Jeff.
As he salutes.
Yes, she goes, okay, yeah, your name is Jeff, my name, yes.
And she just like walks away and walks outside.
And kind of you guys can fiddle around and get your beds set up.
My bunk will be spotless.
Spotless, yes to me.
My name is Jeff.
I will be an obedient guard.
He's now a Pokemon.
Is that all he said?
I may be slow to talk to but I will be shit.
Okay so, I'm here to impress.
Miss Muffin, oh sorry.
Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
You are a frozen cuts cook and you are taken to the kitchen in area R8 where you report
to Chef Tiny Tulane, a hulking jovial man who carries an enormous saucepan.
He's just got like a gigantic saucepan with him.
And so he kind of looks at you and he goes, you here for helping cook?
My name is Sassy Sue Chef Sue.
You see him raise up the saucepan like he's about to hit you right in the head.
He brings the saucepan up in the air and he's like staring at you and you can just tell
he's like shaking about to smack you in the head.
He says, don't hit again.
You'll lose another Sous Chef.
And he puts it down and he goes, your name is Sassy Sous Chef Sue?
Yes.
So it is ironic that I hired you to be Sous Chef if your name is Sous Chef Sue?
Yes.
Okay, that is good.
We need to start getting breakfast ready for the prisoners.
Would you like to help me start cutting up Sous Chef Sue?
Yeah, you want me to crack some eggs?
Yeah, and you start cracking some eggs.
Give me a sleight of hand dexterity check.
This dude's been hitting the head of the saucepan a lot.
16 plus 4?
Yeah, so you expertly crack a bunch of eggs into this bowl and he's watching you do it
and smacking all these eggs into these bowls and like whipping them up and you start making
food and he's like, I didn't tell you next step, but you do good, do good job.
And then he kind of starts walking away and let you cook eggs and stuff.
As we flip back to our guards, you guys have gotten your beds nice and done.
My name is Jeff.
You've got yours spotless clean trying to impress.
So Eula Darkeria kind of walks back inside and she goes, all right, I see you guys got
situated and she looks at your spot and she goes, my name is Jeff.
Very clean, very straightforward.
I like it, I like it.
She goes, good job.
You don't got to say anything.
Good job.
And then you see her get like very nervous.
Like, okay, good.
And she goes, I kind of do like the open mouth stop like, hold it back.
Okay.
So she goes, so we're going to get you guys started on your first shift.
You're going to do your shift.
You're going to loop around.
You're going to make sure everything's good.
Check on the prisoners.
They'll be bringing breakfast soon.
So don't worry about the cooks.
If they give you any trouble, I don't know, just kick them in the head or something.
So yeah, you guys can begin your first shift to walk around the prisoners area, the cells
to also make perception checks, talk to anyone, but you have to be careful because you can
get in trouble for talking to prisoners too much.
So you guys.
Well, good thing I don't say much.
So yeah, you guys start your shift and you start to make your way around.
You're walking through this long corridor down the outer ridges of the cells and you
can kind of hear like inmates screaming and yelling and stuff.
And you can see anti-magic fields around all the cells.
So like anyone with magic inside of it cannot be used.
It completely blocks all the magic.
So you guys see that.
Would you like to make perception checks as you kind of are looping around this thing
a couple of times?
Sure.
17.
That's 20.
That's 20?
13.
Plus four.
Okay.
So with that 20, you guys are kind of walking around, walking around and like you're looking,
you're kind of doing the like peeping out the corner of your eye, looking through cells
and kind of checking things out.
And you see this woman sitting in this cell and she's kind of just like crouched down,
like looking at the wall, just kind of staring.
But you hear like whispering and like mumbling to herself and you notice that she's very
odd.
Is there anything you'd like to do with that?
Is she silky smooth?
I don't know.
You'd have to ask her.
Be careful too.
What cells is this?
Is this the cell?
What?
Do you say this is the-
You don't know exactly which person this is, but you just see someone there.
So.
Kind of peeking around.
You want to give me another perception check now that you're up close and like kind of
looking through this cell?
19.
Okay.
So you look through this cell and you see definitely it's a dwarven woman kind of crap,
crouched down on the ground and she's got tattoos.
She's tired.
She's got tattoos that go all the way up her arms and like full sleeves from like wrist
to like shoulder.
They're kind of glowing like a faint blue and she's like whispering to them.
What would you like to do?
She's summoning magic and anti-feud.
Sounds like our girl.
Whisper ass breaker.
You whisper in ass breaker as you're like walking by.
You see her head kind of turn and she goes ass breaker.
That's funny.
Then she kind of turns back around and starts whispering to her arm again.
But as you kind of do that, make me a dexterity save.
You ass breaker.
I just seen it.
Eight.
Eight?
Yep.
Okay, so you're kind of like whispering through this thing and you say that and she kind of
says that and you're kind of like trying to think of like what?
Like did she think I was funny?
Like what the heck?
And then a guard walks up behind you.
He goes, what the hell are you doing talking to that inmate?
Hey, yeah, bro.
I want to talk.
I'm making fun of her because she's talking to herself, dude.
He goes, that's still talking to her.
You're not supposed to talk to inmates.
He goes, we can't talk to inmates.
I was talking.
I just walked up out of nowhere.
I was like, salute.
My name is Jeff.
He goes, oh, my name is Jeff.
I've heard good things about you.
You've done well.
You had a good bed set up.
But your friend here can't be talking to inmates.
You guys can't talk to inmates.
He goes, luckily I caught you and luckily my name is Jeff is a good guy.
He goes, but, he goes, let's not have this happen again.
And your suspicion level rises.
I kind of smack him upside the head.
I go, my name's Jeff.
My name's Jeff.
Okay.
You're like, I'm going to go.
I'm going to go, good job.
Yeah, but suspicion level rises one percent.
For me?
For overall, the guards.
Specifically him, yes.
I was like, I did a good job with Ben.
My name's Jeff.
I didn't even say anything to her.
But I make bad, bad nights.
Did you use check?
I make bad, bad nights.
You make bad, bad nights.
I just picked you off of the street.
I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm going to go.
Me too.
sehenhuffGA SEO
our cook. Me! Yeah, you just finished making eggs and you're about to deliver
breakfast to all the prisoners. So make me a perception check as you start
walking around and see what you see. Make you a perception check. 18. As you're walking out
you see three cards walking away. You see very clearly Flea Stick rubbing his
head kind of looking disappointed while you hear out the distance, my name is
Dan. Yeah, but yeah you what'd you get? 18. Yeah, so yeah you see the same thing.
You see the woman crouched in there where they were walking away from her,
but you start to slide you can slide eggs through each of the cells as you're
walking your way there. What would you like to do when you get to her cell?
Anything special? Or would you like to just move on? I'm gonna look around to
see if anybody's near to hear or see me and I'm gonna look at her cell and say...
Make me a stealth check to see if you can do it sneakily without anyone seeing
you. 19. Okay, yep you do it without being seen. What do you say to her? Bitches you
13. Bitches you 13? She turns around, she goes, are you asking me my inmate number
or my age? Your inmate number. She goes, yes I'm 13 but don't you know that? I do
know. Here's your eggs. You can definitely tell she's like giving you a weird
look as you... But nothing else? Now I'm gonna go on and give the rest of them eggs and get back to my business.
Okay, all right you deliver the rest of your eggs. So your guys a shift is over
the guards and they're taking over other guards. Is there anything special you'd
like to do throughout this whole area? You're back in your barracks transferring
off but you're... Can I take a stroll to the kitchen to get something to eat? Yeah you can do that, that's fine.
You just have to sign out of your barracks guard that you're going to get
food so they know to keep track of what guards are where. So you gonna sign, are
you going to sign the paper to sign out sheet or are you not gonna sign it?
If I get caught on the way back I'm on the sign out sheet. Then we might get fucked.
Do I have to go to the armory to turn my weapons for the night? No, the guards do not have to turn in their
armory because you guys go back to your barracks, you sleep, you maintain your
weapons and then you wake up and you go straight to shift. Emergency protocols. Yes, just in case
things happen. Yeah sure, I'll sign the paper. Okay, yeah you sign the paper.
Hamburglar. And yeah you start to make your way to the kitchen. You make your way
there and when you walk in you see your good friend Miss Muffin cleaning up
dishes and such from eggs. What would you like to do here? Just to get food or
were you liking to spy and secret stuff? Yeah, I'm gonna ask her for food and see if she's seen anything.
Yeah, so yeah Miss Muffin. So Miss Muffin is sassy sous chef Sue and she's gonna once again look around see
where my sous chef boss is, see if any guards are listening in or looking at us.
Make a perception check. You mean the chef? Yeah the chef, you're the sous chef.
Was it perception or stealth? Perception. Five. You perceive nothing, you don't perceive anything.
So yeah you think it's clear. Go ahead you think it's clear. I'm gonna hand him a
plate of eggs and look at him and say I found 13. Action, end of the scene
sequence. Okay sorry, yeah you found 13. So yeah what would you like to do with
that information Archie? You know that that woman you guys talked to is 13.
I'm gonna take a look around and make sure no one's around. Go ahead sure give me a perception check.
Wow five. Okay so yeah you're uh you don't see anything. You don't perceive anybody.
Wait I already know though that that's the same woman I don't have to like confirm that with it.
No yeah she said that she found the 13 is there and I can I mean unless you I'm
assuming you tell her that you talked to her yeah it's 13 yeah that is 13 but you
did not perceive anything from your perception check. Well then I'm gonna nod and walk on.
Yeah say thank you for the eggs and get the hell out of there. Head back to barracks.
Okay so as you walk out of the barracks make me a deck save.
Oh shit. Natural 20 plus 6. Plus 6 wow okay. So as you step out of this door you uh you this guard kind of walks up to you and he goes like reach for your harm and grab you and you kind of spin around and push his arm off and the eggs are still in your hand like spinning around and he goes what were you just talking about in there?
Why were you talking about inmate 13? What do you want with her?
I wasn't saying anything about inmate 13. I was getting eggs bro chill.
Okay he goes listen listen he like looks around for a second he goes you need to stop asking questions about prisoner 13. She's got power with this place that you don't understand because she's right now if I don't if I don't tell you this she's gonna make my fucking head explode okay?
And then he like quickly looks around and just takes off running down the hallway like takes off running.
Oh shit.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
Most importantly join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dummies with Dice for free or for $3 monthly to gain access to a discord and bonus content.
Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.