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Viewer warning, use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and a portrayal of drug and alcohol
use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Hi, I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin truly believes she can speak with her cats.
She thinks she can.
Hey, Nate here.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's the 32-year-old drug addicted level four barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he only walks downstairs cautiously.
Stairs are scary things.
They can be.
They are.
You never can trust them.
Hey guys, Ryan.
I'm Ryan R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact, Archie has a second belly button.
Where?
There's a third nipple I do.
Where?
Where is it?
Where is it located?
You guys are meant for this world.
You're all mutants of some kind.
Don't worry, he's so strong at old age.
Two belly buttons.
He's giving Fed double businesses.
Piercing together a little bit.
So today, Ryan Tucker.
Ryan Tucker R2 is not going to be with us.
He has other business he's taking care of today.
So I'll let that sound go by.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the dummy master.
And my fun fact today is that when someone says I'll be back in a jiffy, a jiffy is an
actual unit of time.
It's referring to one one hundredth of a second.
So when someone says I'll be back in a jiffy, that's a real unit of time.
So that's pretty freaking awesome that I did not know.
And then they changed and they said, that sounds gay.
I'll be back in a flash.
Flash or a jiffy?
I am the flash and I do jiffies.
Now we need to find out if there's a flash.
It makes sense.
It makes sense to like the jiffy lube places.
I bet flash is in there.
One day you're all like that in a jiffy.
In a jiffy.
Oh wow.
Two hours later.
That is good.
I never even thought about that.
Okay.
So where we left off, where we left off, you guys had been tasked by Lillith darko to go find
Varrin Axebreaker because he has a job that could help you guys with magic and dimensions.
Dimensional magic.
And uh
Is his name varrin assbreaker?
Ain't that what you said?
No, Varan Axebreaker.
Varan Axebreaker.
I don't trust that guy.
So you guys were tasked with finding Varan Axebreaker.
Varan Axebreaker.
I don't trust that guy.
So you guys had loaded up a wagon, stuck Glabbagool inside of a skeleton horse and started to
make your way to Phandalin.
You have been on the road for a good, good couple hours.
Just kind of moping along and you know following the trail, following the main path down the
Sword Coast edge and making your way towards Phandalin.
You hit this point and you see this like caravan sitting there on the side.
And there's a little goblin sitting at the bottom of the caravan.
And you see on the sign it says, uh, curiosities.
It's like a big colorful sign.
It's got like studs on it.
It's got bright colors.
And uh, as you guys kind of roll by, uh, he goes, oh, hello adventurers.
Um, you guys want any curiosities from me today?
Well, of course.
Do you all want to stop and talk to this dude?
Sure.
Ms. Muffin does.
I'll stop and listen.
Okay.
Oh, you're so curious.
Ms. Muffin, you hop off to go talk to this guy.
Um, so you walk up, he goes, oh you, you have very pretty hair adventurer.
Thank you.
Um, what, uh, what, what would you like to check out all my wares?
Wares?
Stuff.
My stuff.
Of course.
My stuff.
Come on broad.
And then, uh, he, uh, he like kind of walks behind him and he opens up this front car
thing on his wagon here and he opens it up and you see these like mushroom, perfect looking
like mushrooms sitting there.
You see jewels that are like shining purple crystals and all kinds of just random looking
things and then the, he kind of opens up this last little section and he goes, now I'm going
to warn you.
These ones are insanely strong and he like opens it up and it's like purple, green, yellow.
There's like all mixes of, uh, like colored mushrooms inside of here.
Um, he goes, so does any of this peak interest?
What do these mushrooms do?
He goes, uh, these ones right here and he like points right at the super colorful ones.
Oh yeah, the beautiful colorful ones.
He goes, oh my God.
He goes, you, you, let me tell you, you've never had anything as good as this.
He goes, I don't even know how to explain to you because when I took it, he like looks
around and he goes, I was unconscious for like a day and a half.
So take my money, bitch.
I was going to say, let me get my buddy, dude, crystal for you.
Dude, dude, you jumped down and go, sorry, I'm spending money.
He goes, all right then he goes, here you go.
You can go ahead and grab ahold of it if you want to look at it and check it out and make
it open.
He goes, it's going to be a hundred.
I also want to look at the crystals when you're done with your exchange with Duke, please.
Okay.
He goes, uh, all right.
Uh, it's going to be a hundred gold pieces for this because it is, like I said, unex,
undescribable good.
Um, so would you like it?
I'll take four.
Four.
Uh, he goes, um, I, okay.
I'll see if I got any more in stock in the back.
He's fucking better.
Yeah.
He like reaches down and he like pulls out some more cards.
You see him like open up different cards and then he just kind of steps back and he's like,
all right, there you go.
So I got four.
I'll do it.
That's fine.
And you're going to pay him 400 gold pieces.
Yes.
Okay.
Um, miss muffin, what did you want to do?
Okay.
Your crystals.
Um, you have purple crystals.
Are they, you said they were jewelry or what are they?
There's like a jewelry with like these crystals all over them.
It's like purplish crystals attached to them and stuff.
Okay.
I would like a necklace of that.
Necklace of that.
Okay.
Uh, he goes, I'll get you a necklace of that.
And it turns around and goes, that'll be 50 gold pieces.
Okay.
Got that.
Yeah.
And so as that exchange is happening, uh, Duke, are you picking up these mushrooms?
Like you grabbing these up?
Yes.
Okay.
So when you grab a hold of these mushrooms, uh, you quickly like see the guy kind of turn
around and look at you.
He goes, oh shit.
And uh, the mushroom explodes like a puff of spores out and just kind of like waves
into the whole area.
Hey, all you guys hear is the little goblin going, oh, we're so fucked.
And then everything just goes black.
No.
It didn't matter.
I was right.
Did I get my necklace?
I was running around like a Hoover back then.
Did I get my necklace first?
Um, yes.
And um, good.
It's beautiful.
I'll always remember him.
Everything goes black for all of you.
Like it's complete black.
And uh, does that mean I have three mushrooms?
You still have the mushroom.
It just spored out.
Oh, I thought it just fucking turned to dust and my hand exploded.
You know, the Duke grab, he grabbed that mushroom.
He was ready to shove it in his mouth.
Yeah.
Um, so as this happens, uh, we get the wavy wlblblbll screen and we start to fade back
into the memory of Duke Crystal at the pivotal changing point of his life where he became
the man that he is.
And uh, as a Duke, you open your eyes, you are inside of a trailer, a small trailer park
camp with those about four trailers around you and you are sitting in your bed, uh, looking
at the ceiling and you kind of just have this flash of realization that you guys are now
running through one of Duke's memories and the other two.
So this is how it's going to work.
We do realize we're in his memory?
No, like you don't realize.
Okay, but we're in it.
Yes, you are in it.
You guys as players.
I'm just thinking this mushroom fucking sucks.
Yeah, this is another day.
Duke crystals live in his life of origin story of Duke.
Um, so how are we going to do this?
Kelly and Ryan, you're going to play like outer aspects of Duke in this time period.
So he's doing his stuff, but you guys are consciousness.
Yeah.
Almost like you guys are like imaginary friends to an extent.
Um, like this is because yes, Duke is a trauma type guy.
So there's just a lot of conflict.
There's a lot of trauma.
Uh, so yeah, he's just, you guys are going to be going through, uh, the life of Duke
crystal figure out this moment.
So Duke, uh, you wake up, make me a perception check.
I suppose all of you make me a perception check.
Suppose four weight plus perception.
Yeah, go ahead and use your stats.
That's fine.
Uh, not too good.
Seven.
Um, I got 17.
17.
Yep.
Okay.
So Duke and, uh, um, Kelly aspect of Duke, the angel we'll call you, uh, you guys don't
hear anything.
You don't hear anything that you can quite whisper into Duke's ear to tell him anything,
but the devil apparently.
Um, Ryan, you hear Duke's father shouting outside.
He's like, Duke, where the hell are you?
Do you tell Duke that you hear his father shouting as the evil aspect of Duke's mind
that's the devil on his shoulder?
No.
Okay.
Did you not tell him?
Okay.
So we sit here and you hear that and you guys hear nothing.
And then moments later, the door kicks in and, uh, you see your dad standing there and he's
got like, it's almost like you're seeing this, uh, older version of Duke already.
He's got like this white shirt on, you know, the jeans on all ripped up, um, beer bottle
in his hand.
He kind of runs in and just like gives Duke the backhand and, uh, he's like, I've got
friends coming over today, so you need to straighten up and make sure everything's good
to go.
Um, and then kind of walks out the door again and goes on.
So your task is to try and straighten this place up to, uh, all Duke's father's, uh,
liking for his friends to come over.
Um, so I need Duke to make me, I guess all of you if you want, athletics or acrobatics
based off how you're going to try to clean up this trailer and shit.
So we can clean too?
Yeah, basically.
You guys aren't like actually doing it, but it's like you guys are kind of persuading
Duke.
You're helping Duke.
Athletics will say I do it quick to avoid more beatings.
Yes.
Controls Duke.
Uh, 17 plus seven.
Okay.
So what do I need to roll?
Uh, athletics or acrobatics.
What would acrobatics look like?
Like you're going to kind of like quickly.
I was going to say like ninja flip across the house, putting shit up.
Okay.
I'm going to acrobatics.
So that's my plus six.
I got a nine plus six.
Okay.
So yeah, you are, you are fluently able to kind of clean up this house and, uh, this
trailer, not this house.
Yeah.
It's a standards of clean.
Yes.
Uh, yes.
It's pretty much just like make the beer bottle straighter.
Um, make sure the sink is, uh, got this straight.
Put the beers in the fridge.
Um, so yeah, you, uh, you effectively clean up and Duke's, your, your dad kind of comes
back in and he goes, okay, pretty good, pretty clean.
It looks, looks better than it did at least.
And as he walks outside, he goes, now my friends show up.
I don't want to fucking see you guys.
Or I don't want to fucking see you.
Sorry.
Uh, he goes, but so if you are seeing, he goes, Jesus Christ, help me.
Cause you are going to die.
And uh, you see as your dad walks away, uh, make a perception check.
All of you, all of you.
Oh no.
18.
Um, 14.
Five.
Okay.
So, uh, yeah, you both see as, uh, these aspects of Duke's mind, you both see it.
So Duke, you kind of see it when he walks out the door, you see the glimmer and shine
of a 1918 trench knife attached to your dad's, uh, belt.
Um, while he walks out the door and starts to walk away.
Um, as we know, Duke has acquired one.
Uh, Duke likes those things.
So you have like a good little bit of time to kind of, you want to search areas, walk
around, do your thing before all Papa's friends show up.
So is there anything you would like to do in this zone while you have the time?
There's four trailer park trailers.
You're in like a little trailer park thing.
There's four trailers there that are accessible.
But you guys, any of you would like to do, you guys are his inner conscience.
You can whisper into his ear and tell him what you think you should do.
It's fine.
My natural brain says go find a dude.
Find a dude.
Yeah, go find a dude to smoke.
Okay.
I mean, that's fine.
Well, that goes with the devil side.
He said, go find alcohol.
Looks like we're going to find doobies and alcohol.
Well, I'm going to encourage you to rather you get a doobie than go steal alcohol.
So both sides of my consciousness are like go get that dude.
Okay.
So, uh, which building would you think that would be the best to kind of look through?
You know, this one that you're standing in has got, uh, a couple beds.
There's like one laying on the ground.
Yours, which is just kind of, uh, laying mattress like flat on the floor.
It looks like there is another building that's a storage little trailer.
He's just got boxes and stuff that your dad has stored in there.
Um, another one that looks a bit more like a storage, but more maybe for food and such.
And then where your dad actually stays most of his time towards the south end of the trailer
park rink is the nicer trailer.
Yeah, we're not going over there.
He will not like that.
I would say the storage one with some boxes and such.
Storage one.
Okay.
So as you guys enter this storage place, you walk in and you're seeing like, uh, green
shit kind of oozing off this little crate on the ground and you see other boxes and
barrels and all kinds of shit just kind of piled up into the room.
Uh, what would you like to do?
Looking in the ooze box.
You're gonna look in the ooze box?
Okay.
Give me a strength check.
Wouldn't you rather go get that doobie though?
Well, it might be something.
There might be something there.
There might be a doobie in there.
Uh, that would be nine plus five so fourteen.
Fourteen?
Okay.
So you, uh, you're kind of cranking on this lid of this wooden crate and you're pulling
and pulling and it pops open.
But when it pops open, this like green puff of this like noxious gas kind of like pours
out and, uh, you quickly realize that this was one of your dad's, uh, growing projects
that he was, uh, uh, creating something and you just exposed it to the air, which was
not good.
Um, whether it was leaking, but now that it's been popped open, you quickly know that this
is bad.
So what do you do as this shit starts to kind of into the air?
Close the box.
Okay.
So you shut that down real quick.
Um, yeah.
What else would you like to do in this room now?
You just exposed your dad's drugs to the air.
Uh, well, I don't really care that it's in the air too much.
I'm just going to go search another box.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, um, search another crate.
Give me a strength check to pop off this next lid.
Is there anything that you two would like to be doing whispering into Duke's ear?
I already tried to encourage him not to open the drug box.
So I don't know what to do.
Uh, yeah.
So this is like a little smaller crate and you kind of just like popping the lid open.
It looks like it's already been popped open and, uh, you crack it open and there's like
some hammers inside.
There's a, uh, so you see like some hammers and such, and then you see like wraps of rope
all kind of a tied up inside there, like little knotted up rope that you could use.
Um, and that's about it in there.
So as you kind of reach in, if you want to take the hammer and the rope and shit and
you want to leave it, taking it.
So as you kind of pick that up, uh, make me a constitution safe as this, uh, stuff kind
of into the air.
13.
Uh, yeah.
So you failed, uh, this kind of green stuff that kind of noxious gas that puffed into
the air, uh, kind of just fills the air and you feel this wave of wave hit you and it's
like deep in your nose and burns your nose and you feel like you just got like holes
burnt in the back of your throat and you take three, uh, poison damage from your dad's gnarly
drugs.
Uh, actually all of you make me a con you, you, you, you make me a con safe.
Cause this is also going to be maybe another mechanic I'm working in with you guys.
Look an inside conscience doubt.
It's not a dude.
Ooh, not 20, not 20.
Okay.
Good thing I'm stronger than both my conscience.
Yeah.
I wonder I'm such a monster.
Uh, no, uh, three, three.
Okay.
So yeah, you're going to seven, my bad.
Seven.
You're going to take a 14 at least three poison damage.
Um, but not me.
Hopefully since your aspect got a natural 20, dude, you feel that poison damage kind
of just like shrug it off because of this, uh, inner power that you feel go through you.
That's just kind of like, you don't fucking this ain't gonna fake.
Yeah, we don't need this.
We don't need drugs.
Um, okay.
What else would you like to do?
You've got a short bit of time still before Papa's friends show up.
Good question.
Let's go look through more of your dad's stuff.
Let's search all your dad's things.
Let's take some stuff.
We're going to the next trailer, not the one dad's in.
Okay.
As you walk in, give me a perception check.
All of you.
Oh.
Sorry.
Two.
Not good.
Duke's little eyes aren't seeing great.
12.
No, I'm in a kid body.
17.
Okay.
So Kelly, your angel aspect, you're looking across this room and you're seeing like what
looks like a, a preparing table that looks like it's been used to like chop up meat and
stuff and there's like burn marks on the floor.
There's a bit of blood scattered.
Uh, this looks like a room that Duke's dad has been using to kind of like chop shit up.
Or murder people.
Whatever you may think.
Your guy's child brains may think he's murdered people.
Make me a wisdom save.
Me or Duke?
Uh, yeah.
All of you.
Because you wanted to mention that it could be murder and that kind of scared the child.
10.
10 right at the middle.
A what?
Nine.
Wisdom save.
Wouldn't you want to fail on the wisdom save?
No, I'm not.
I'm not wise enough to know.
11.
11?
Okay, so yeah.
1911.
So yeah, you guys don't really kind of put together what's going on here.
You don't know if you know that this is used for cooking or if you've seen dad chopping
up meat that wasn't for cooking.
You're just, you're in a full panic right now of like what it would be used for and
what it could be used for and what it is used for.
That's the Mismuffin in this.
All I know is he cuts up a lot of meat but we don't eat a lot of meat but I'm just not
going to think about that.
Oh my god.
That's perfect.
Shubs it down.
Shubs it down to the ground.
Okay, so now knowing this, what would you guys like to search this room for?
Anything else you'd like to search specifically for to try to find, to aid you in your survival,
try to find a doobie?
I don't know if I'll find one in here.
If you want to give me an investigation check, you can to try and search the areas and the
hiding spots that your dad would use.
If you guys want to as well, go for it.
Investigation?
Yeah.
Investigation is a good way to get your aspects so I want you all to roll.
Fifteen.
I also got a fifteen.
A nineteen.
Okay, so you guys kind of, you're like looking around and you can feel like these other energies
around you and it's like you can feel like almost like as if you're moving at a quick
pace of like searching here, searching here, searching here, searching here, because your
aspects and you're looking and you kind of run your hand under this like table and you
just feel like a doop doop and a little doobie falls out into your hand.
Do it.
Do you smoke it right away or do you go, what do you go to do?
You going to smoke this doobie right now?
Get to a safe place.
Get to a safe place from your dad.
I go out in the woods a little bit.
Get out of the murder trailer.
Go outside, go out in the woods.
Okay, so you step out into the trees and you kind of are out there sparking up your doobie.
Give me a slight hand check.
18.
Let's see.
15.
17 plus 6.
17 plus 6?
Yeah.
Okay, so you rolled good and then you both rolled amazing.
So it's like you got this doobie and you're like looking around trying to see where dad's
at and you go to spark it and you like go to drop it and it's almost like it floats
like back up to your hand and you like grab it real quick and you're like huh and you
spark it up and start smoking your doobie and you're there for a minute or so kind of
smoking the doobie.
Make me a perception check at disadvantage.
Disadvantage?
Roll twice, pick the lowest.
No.
Four.
Ten.
Plus.
We still get to plus though, right?
What have you got?
Perception.
What is it?
Seven?
One.
Is it a one?
Yes, one.
Ah, it's not a one.
Okay, so.
I got a seven.
Seven?
Okay, well none of you got good.
So.
Oh no, dad is seeing it.
You're sitting here and you're like, you know, puffing on your little doobie and you're kind
of puffing it and puffing it.
We're so fucked.
And then you hear behind you like these quick footsteps and you kind of feel someone grab
the back of your shirt and just like lift you up into the air.
He goes what the fuck?
And you turn around and it's your dad.
He's like are you smoking my hidden under the table doobie?
Oh god.
Not under the table.
Tell him the truth, doobie.
Lie your ass off.
Tell him you found it in the driveway.
Oh no, this was the under the floorboard doobie.
Under the floorboard doobie.
He goes you know what?
Roll deception.
Why would you do that to?
I just want him to be as smart as.
Okay, deception.
Twelve.
Deception.
Ten.
Eleven?
Barely.
So you say that and you see him pull back his fist and he looks at you in the eyes and
he's like wait, what floorboard doobie?
Did I literally forget about the floorboard doobie?
He puts you back down and he goes to smack you on the top of the head and he goes when
you're done with that doobie get into the house because my friends are going to be here
soon and he kind of walks away.
Get in the house?
Oh shit.
In the trailer, sorry.
Not your house.
In the trailer?
Oh shit.
One of the four.
Yeah.
Well three.
So as he walks away you see him kind of walk back and then go back into his main trailer
and close the door.
What do you do?
Do you go back to your trailer or do you do anything else?
Do I know which trailers are going to be occupying?
Make me a perception check as your father was walking away actually.
Dad doesn't give the most detailed information.
Disadvantage because you can just smoke a bunch of weed.
Perception?
Yes.
Well, perfect.
I got a 21 but that's adding.
I got a natural 20 on the first row.
Dang.
Oh no.
Oh my god.
Natural 20 again.
You got a crit fail dude?
Yes.
Okay.
So you notice absolutely nothing and you stand there and keep kind of puffing on your doobie
and then.
He didn't say.
He didn't say which place they'd hang out in.
Yeah, you kind of puffing your doobie but with a big crit fail you're kind of standing
there and you're done smoking your doobie but then you realize that you're still just
kind of standing there.
You're like look around for a second and then you realize that you're seeing a vehicle pull
up with a couple people pulling up as you're still standing outside next to the trailer.
So what do you do as you see these people start pulling up?
Which direction is it pulling in?
They're pulling in from the south end of the trailer camp.
And you are at the like north.
So they can't see me through the trailers at this moment?
No, you are at like the tip top of the trailer and they're kind of pulling in up there and
you're kind of in the trees a bit.
Well I'm going straight into the butcher trailer, the nearest one.
To the butcher one?
You just gotta run through there real quick?
Okay.
And then an athletics check.
And this aspect, if you want to make an athletics check to help guide doobies.
13.
14.
We keep rolling so close together.
I know it's like it's meant to be that you are playing his aspects.
I like it.
17.
Okay, so yeah dude you take off running and you're hearing like the car doors open and
like some voices kind of like oh yeah let's get in there let's go see him and see what's
up to him and then you feel like a giraffe kind of push you a little bit more from one
of your aspects and you kind of brush through the door real quick and you're inside the
butcher's trailer.
And then from inside there you see four people getting out of the pickup trucks and they're
kind of walking in towards the main trailer where your dad stays and they kind of enter
inside there.
So he wanted him in the main trailer?
No, he didn't want him in the main trailer, he wanted him away from the trailer.
I'm not supposed to be seen.
But he just told him to meet him when his friends get there.
You didn't want us outside where we could be seen.
He wanted us inside out of the trailer.
Oh, Shneipe, you're in trouble.
No.
If I was in his trailer right now I would be in trouble.
So yeah, you're inside this trailer, is there anything else you'd like to do while you're
in here?
Keep rummaging through dad's shit.
Okay, make me an investigation check.
I knew that motherfucker wouldn't know if that was a floor doobie or not.
Let's see.
Seven, not good, not good.
You guys can go, you guys can roll if you want.
Roll we rolling?
I forgot.
Investigation.
You can help too.
Six.
I cannot find it.
Seven.
What'd you get too?
Seven.
Oh my God, that is so weird.
No way, because I wasn't even paying attention either.
Yeah, you find nothing else in this room that is of any use really.
It's just, it looks like an old nasty meat shop in place.
But from the time you were spent kind of searching in here, you realize very quickly that someone
is entering the room, entering the trailer.
The door is starting to creak open.
What do you do?
You give one action before this person opens.
Hide inside the nearest thing I can fit in.
A barrel, a box, whatever.
So, let's see here.
Preferably one that doesn't look important.
Don't I have special, isn't it sleight of hand, or no, what is it behind?
So how far can I move?
As I said, you can move anywhere inside this place.
This trailer is close together.
There is one doorway entrance and then windows on the sides of the wall, like all the way
down the trailer.
Is that bed a bed or is it just a fucking mat on the floor?
And it's just like a mat on the floor, like kind of a little mattress shit thrown in the
wall.
Is that the long rectangular thing far south side of the room?
Is that a table or something?
Yes, that is a table.
No, that is a chest.
A giant chest.
Yeah, a long box.
Was there anything in it?
No.
Not from what your guys' investigations were earlier.
There was nothing unique inside of it.
It looks...
Are you wanting to hide inside of it?
May as well.
Okay.
You are, again, a child, so you can't...you're younger.
You can hop in there and hide.
May as well.
14, I guess.
I hope it's empty.
Yeah, you jump inside there and make me a stealth check.
18.
17.
20, but not natural.
Okay.
So yeah, you quickly dive inside of this box and close the lid and it just cracks slightly
as you're looking out the crack of it.
You see your dad's friend Buster walking in and you see him looking around the room.
He's looking at this table and he's like...he mumbles to himself, walks over and looks at
another little shelf and then looks under where you found the doobie.
He starts running his hands across it and running his hands under it and he keeps running
his hands under it.
He steps up and scratches his head and he's like, I don't think he knows what he's talking
about.
There's no doobie in here.
He goes, we really needed that doobie after what just happened, but I'll go figure it
out.
He walks back out the door and starts to head away.
Yeah.
So you know some funky shit's happening.
Sorry, smoky doob.
Whoops.
I don't know if Dad got only one doob, but he's a loser.
You hear outside the trailer, like, my fucking under the table doobie is gone.
I'm like, doooob.
But yeah, no.
What would you like to do now?
You know there's something weird happening.
See if I can eavesdrop.
Eavesdrop?
Are you going to climb out the trailer and get up against his over there?
If it looks clear.
Yeah, okay.
So, yeah, you can kind of step out the door and there's no one outside the front of his
trailer or nothing.
The doorway is clear right there and there's two windows facing the north end of the trailer
that you could potentially listen through.
Yeah, I'll go stand underneath one of them.
I ain't going to try and look through it, but I'll just kind of crouch down under it.
So give me a stealth check just to kind of cross across this opening area and just in
case you know if anybody's looking out a window or something.
Let's see.
12.
23.
What?
The dark side in the...
25.
Okay, so, yeah, dude, what did you get?
13.
13?
Okay, so, yeah, dude, you're kind of like, you know, wiggling around, moving across the
street and you're looking up at the window and before your body can even notice what's
happening you see a person kind of turning and looking out the window in this like slow
mo fashion of he's about to look right at you and you feel this just like pressure build
up and you kind of like launch forward and roll and just kind of slide under the door
as he just kind of looks out the window and scratches his head and turns back around and
you effectively get up to the window from the help of your inner aspects.
Yeah, so, as you're listening, what is your brother's name?
Daryl.
It's been so long, Derek.
Derek?
Okay, so, yeah.
I was close.
You're through the window, you're hearing your dad's voice and he's like, Derek, but
seriously, you can't be doing this shit.
And he's like, you can just tell that he's seriously freaking out like your dad's voice,
like you've never heard it quite like this in a manner of seriousness like you fucked
up and you hear your brother and he's like, dad, I really didn't mean to fuck over the
business or nothing.
He's like, I was just trying to help you out.
And he you hear some more scuffling and whatnot and some shouting and everything.
And then before you know it, you see your brother come running out of the door and trips
on the outside stairs falls and breaks his neck outside the door right in front of you
as he runs out the trailer of the building.
And you kind of hear your dad like, oh shit, and just kind of standing there at the door,
but he hasn't noticed you yet.
What do you do?
Crawl under the trailer.
Crawl under the trailer?
Okay.
Give me a athletics check to kind of get under this trailer, pop open some little sheet metal
and slide under.
Five.
A 26.
26.
Oh my God.
Okay.
Yeah.
You like are like pure just like adrenaline strength.
Like your brother just died in front of you falling down some stairs and breaking his
neck and you know, dad's about to freak out.
So you crawl into this thing real quick and you see him walk out there and kind of look
at what is going on and he's checking them out and he stands up and he goes, yeah, he's
dead.
So I guess the problem solved itself.
And he kind of looks back to his friends and he goes, go find Duke.
We got to, we got to take care of everything that's going on here.
And then you see like two of the thugs, but he's just kind of, actually you would recognize
them.
So, uh, Roach and Buster kind of a walking by and going heading towards the trailer you're
supposed to be in.
Make me a perception check as this all kind of unfold.
Fucking Roach.
Dirt ball.
13.
Oh no.
Is that perception you said?
Yes.
That's a hard three.
Natural 20 plus two.
Okay.
So, uh, Duke with all the chaos and all the chaos and all the chaos and all the chaos and
all the chaos happening, you hear this little like whisper in your head, but you see, um,
your dad's 1918 trench knife.
Like you're like peeking out the sheet metal and then you're seeing like through the floorboards
and shit.
Uh, his knife is still laying inside on the table as he's outside kind of picking up the
body and dealing with it.
And the two thugs are still walking away and there's two men inside the building still
like over you.
You're like under the trailer, like looking through holes in the floor.
Damn.
Any floorboard doobies?
Maybe investigation check again.
Oh no.
See if you can find a floorboard doobie.
While we're down here, crib.
Really?
The crib.
Yeah, natural crib.
All right.
Seven.
Yeah.
So, uh, you're, you're like, you're like sitting there and you're just looking through this
hole and it's like, as if like it comes into your focus, you just see like a whole bundle.
There's like five or six, like maybe it's just like strapped to the bottom floorboard
right there and you're like, oh, like right next to the hole.
So yes, you find a bunch of doobies with a lighter slid right in the middle.
So you've got a lighter and a bunch of doobies.
We need that knife.
So chaos with whatever you would like to do, but yes, this is what you know.
There are two, I guess we'll say this, you can see, you know who they are by now, Jimmy
and Gerald hanging out in the main trailer while you're, I've got him hidden for some
reason, but he is out here dealing with your, your dead brother.
Your dad is.
What would you guys have any thoughts of like you'd like to do?
I'd like to get that knife.
I need to get that knife.
How big are these holes in this floor?
I'm picturing like painting signs or something.
No, like floorboards are like rotting.
Like it's like, there's like a hole.
Yeah.
You're able to like see inside there.
Like you're like, stick your face up to it and like probably look through, not get like
your whole head through there or nothing, but like a hand could easily go up through
it or.
Am I under the knife?
No, you, yeah, you're relatively close.
Say the knife is like on the table in the middle of the room and you're kind of, yeah,
you're like right under under Jimmy.
So you're about 10, 15 feet from the knife, technically, if you were to get up there.
Okay.
And you have Jimmy and who else?
Jimmy and Gerald.
Gerald!
Inside the trailer kind of.
They'll see you trying to get in.
You gotta stay safe.
Bad floorboards up ahead toward the table.
Give me a perception or investigation.
15 perceptions or anything.
I don't know.
Or anything.
I don't know.
Forward investigation.
Yeah, I guess six.
Uh, yeah.
So you crawl forward and you find a couple holes, but they're not big holes.
They're more secure.
Probably dad secured those ones because they were holding up the table.
The rest of them were just in the open.
Okay.
Well, you know, cracking stuff.
Let's see.
Can I crawl to the far corner where the bed is and see if there's a hole in the floor
where I can set the bed on fire with this lighter?
Um, yeah.
So pretty much where you're, yeah, I would say where the bed is, it's in the far like
top corner.
There's like rain kind of coming down.
Yeah, the floor looks pretty rotten as to.
Yeah, the floor is pretty rotten already.
So yeah, that would be a good spot to find a good hole.
If you're going to do that, you got to get back out of the, from under the trailer without
being seen in time to not get hurt by the fire and get yourself into the trailer you're
supposed to be in.
So they don't know you said it.
We can do it.
What's the plan though?
Are you trying to get to the knife or are you trying to get to, yes, he's trying to
get to the knife.
Okay.
So you're going to cause a distraction, grab the knife and get out.
I can only climb out pretty much right where Jimmy is.
If he doesn't move, then I can't get out and move toward the knife.
So I need him to be distracted.
You're risking it.
Risky for the biscuit.
That's what you got to do.
We're creative.
So yeah, you're going to light this on fire.
Yes.
Give me a sleight of hand check.
See if you can kind of keep the flame lit and light it without being detected quite
under there.
14.
23.
15.
Okay.
I'll say you succeeded that.
You reach up and you're kind of, you light this lighter and you hear Jimmy and he goes,
what the fuck was that?
It sounded like a lighter or something.
And then you just see the bed quickly start flaming, igniting like it was covered in alcohol.
It's just like, it just burns up.
It probably was.
And you hear Jimmy and Gerald and he goes, oh fuck Gerald.
And Gerald lights on fire and just kind of makes it burning and he's kind of running
around in circles and he's like, fuck, put me out, put me out.
He's like smacking his leg and stuff.
So yeah, you definitely have made a distraction to kind of get inside.
Fucking A.
Yeah.
You got to try to crawl through the floorboards, tear through them.
If I can fit through it, hopefully yes.
Give me an athletics check to see if you can kind of break a piece off and climb up through.
That is, we're in there.
That's a 23.
23.
Yeah.
So you're, you're adrenaline.
You're still fucking, you're, you're just doing back to back.
I just set year on the fire.
I got 20.
Athletics check?
Yeah.
He's got it.
So yeah, you, you kind of pop the floorboard off and you hear Jimmy's like the fuck, Duke,
what are you doing?
He's like, I'm trying to help Gerald here.
Then you climb through the floor and are you going to grab the trench knife?
Yes.
You grab the trench knife and what do you do?
I move towards the door.
Move towards the door.
Okay.
As you take your step towards the door, you see your dad kind of step up at the stairs
and he's like, Duke, what the hell are you doing?
He's got kind of just like blood all over him and everything else.
I got your brother's say they're dead behind him.
What do you do?
I dive down the stairs like Chuckie with the knife.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Give me a attack roll with advantage.
What would that be adding?
19.
Let's see.
Plus what?
Attack roll?
It's just, this is kind of Duke's thing right here.
So this is 15.
15?
Okay.
So yeah, you come flying in and you tackle him and you stick him like right in the shoulder
and sticking back to the ground and he's like, oh shit.
He throws a punch and hits you and like knocks you off.
Make me a strength athletics check.
Okay.
15.
16.
Okay.
He got an 18.
So, oh yeah.
What did you get?
Aspects.
The inner fucking power of Duke.
Wait, you said which one?
Strength athletics.
Okay.
So.
Because he like kind of punching you as you stuck him and throwing you down.
A 19?
Yeah.
Okay.
So.
And we're about to get this one.
Yeah.
He, instead of being, what I was going to do is he was going to grapple you, but instead
of grappling, since your aspect kind of helps you, he kind of throws a punch and hits you
and throws you against the, like across the floor, the ground outside and you kind of
slide and turn and then it's your turn.
What do you do?
So he kind of stands there in a bit of a rage if he just punched you in the face and threw
you across.
His dad.
Sprint over there and kick him in the face as hard as I can.
Sprint over and kick him in the face.
Do do.
Give me an unarmed attack.
I think.
Which is just, I think, a lot of strength.
Something like that.
Yeah.
That is a 22.
22?
That definitely hits.
Give me some damage on it.
What do you call that?
I don't know what it is.
It's like.
Unarmed.
Strength.
Unarmed.
I think it's like one D4 plus your strength.
What is it?
You make the rules.
You tell us.
Roll me a D6.
You name a child, too.
You name a body, so we'll see.
How do you do a flying drop kick?
Four plus five if we're doing strength.
Yeah.
That's fine.
Nine.
Nine?
Okay.
So yeah, you come flying in and you drop kick him and you just see like the nose shatter.
It just like folds.
He like turns around.
You can see that he's got like general confusion about what the hell is going on and like where
this power is coming from.
And yeah, as he does that, he turns around and he goes, that's it, you motherfucker.
And he comes running at you and tries to do the same flying drop kick that you just did
to him.
What a savage.
It has a 22 to hit you.
So we're going to say your A-scene is probably not very high as being a child right now.
Probably not.
You drop kick.
So yeah.
Can we jump out of the way?
No, you cannot.
Fuck.
You're going to take seven damage.
See, flying drop kicks his child in the face.
Let's get this motherfucker like a fish.
I'm resilient for a child.
Yes.
I'm not done yet.
And now it is your turn.
All out.
Duke for all.
Duke it out in the middle of the fucking street in the trailer park with your father.
Got this motherfucker like a fish.
All right, my turn.
How would lay it out right now?
You're kind of the shit Adam.
Yeah, you're kind of like you're you're pretty much face to face right this point.
He kind of drop kicked you.
He's standing up and you're kind of just knocked back getting that guy.
So you guys are pretty much face to face.
And the entrance of the trailer park.
You're like right in the entrance.
They sweep his feet and hold him down.
So there's like the trucks are behind you.
All right.
That's not good.
Okay.
I'm going to take the nut kick.
11 plus five.
So 16.
Yeah.
Okay.
Six sets.
Another nine damage.
Yeah, you can get a little.
Yeah, you took him right in the nuts and he just like that one.
That one you can tell does it in for a minute and he like drops to his knees and like looks
up at you.
He's like, dude, I should have killed you fucking soon.
What do you do?
I pull the knife out of his shoulder.
Pull the knife out of his shoulder.
Hold it to his throat.
And then I cut his throat with it.
No.
Let's fucking go.
You need an answer first.
The blade slices across your father's throat and he falls to the ground and you're standing
there with the trench knife in your hand and you turn around and you see like Buster and
Roach and Jimmy running out with like a burnt arm and Gerald just laying in there like crisped
and he's like ash.
And they kind of look to you and they see Trevor, your dad laying on the ground dead
and they kind of like do almost like a bow of like, okay, we're it's all good here.
We're all good.
It's all cool.
And you kind of look down at this trench knife and things start to fade back and you realize
you're coming back to and you wake up in front of the carriage with the guy, the goblin and
he's smacking you in the face.
He's like, adventurer, adventurer, please.
God damn it.
Don't be dead.
And you're waking you awake and you guys all kind of come back to in front of the wagon.
What do you do is you kind of awaken out of this.
I pull out my trench knife and I stabbed that motherfucker with it.
Yes.
So you wake up and he's like, Oh, thank God.
You're like, what the fuck starts getting like a bull iterated to pieces.
And then you all kind of stand up and you guys don't really know what happened, but
you're looking at Duke and he's got just the, a different outlook inside of his mind because
now we've seen what's really gone inside the life of the crystal.
You made that mushroom sound good.
That was a fucking trauma mushroom.
Okay.
Thanks.
Your whole life.
I bought four of them.
Now you gotta give it to someone else.
It's not the day and a half.
You just give it to somebody torture them.
It's like you'll live out, you'll, you'll go back to your worst experience in your entire
life and you'll have passengers along with you for some reason.
We helped a lot.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Dude Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
A R C S I zero.
The theme song is the intense fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on RSS.com slash podcast
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