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Welcome to Dummies With Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Let's go first.
Okay.
Hey, Nate here.
My character's Duke Crystal.
He's a 32-year-old drug addicted level four barbarian in the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he's never washed his gooch pouch.
And I mean never.
Not once.
Oh my god.
That's why I got like a little bit under there.
It's got some miles on it.
Some cheese.
Yeah, it's almost welled into his...
He can't even get to it anymore.
Hi, I'm Kelli Lee.
I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rug.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin loves a good blanket.
Hey guys, it's Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, a 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, someone shit his pants while he was in a coma.
Oh my god.
Oh yeah.
Someone.
Someone's...
One of his friends snuck in his room and shit his pants.
Someone rolled a really good stealth to be able to shit in his pants.
I don't know why they did it.
Not me.
Hey everyone, Ryan Tucker here.
I play as Fleastick Sockjelly.
I'm the hobo trash master cleric of the God Rumpke.
I'm the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact about Fleastick, he may have shit in someone's pants.
Oh no.
He validated yours with another fact.
Oh my god.
It changed.
It was a joke and now it's real.
Someone really took a shit in my pants and I know it.
I know I didn’t
I thought it didn’t look like my shit.
He said I don't eat peanuts.
And I stood up while I did it.
No, no, no.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the Dummy Master and my fun fact is that the hashtag symbol
is technically called an octothorp.
So there you go.
You're welcome.
A pound?
Yeah.
Well, a pound and a hashtag.
A pound, the same thing.
Octothorp?
Yep.
Octothorp.
Why have we not been calling that?
It's like way cooler
Yeah.
Yeah, I like octothorp.
That was nice.
Doctor octothorp.
That's how he's gonna die.
Nope.
Where we left off, you guys had the shit.
Where we left off, you guys had destroyed Big Bone.
Murdered.
What?
Murdered.
Oh, sorry.
You had murdered at Big Bone.
The joyful creature that you all have created yourself on our Patreon bonus episode, if
you join monthly, you get to listen to that episode.
So you know.
But yeah, Big Bone and his bonely bodies laying in front of you.
What would you guys like to do in this room?
Rammage through his bones.
Rammage through his bones?
Who's gonna do this role?
You wanna give me investigation?
Mine's a plus two.
Who does?
Mine is a plus.
What'd you got?
Did you guys do a little team huddle over this bones and just kind of discuss?
What's your investigation, please, Dave?
What's your investigation?
Negative one.
Oh shit.
No thank you.
What's yours?
I have a plus two.
You roll it.
Plus one.
Get your hands in there.
19 plus two.
Wow, very good.
I'm like elbow deep in these bones.
So as you rummage your hands, you're digging through bones, his pile of bones.
You feel like a quick slice on your wrist as you get cut by a bone.
But you find 170 gold pieces and you find a weapon like this big, looks like a bone,
but like it pops off and you can see that it's got this special wrappings around it.
Like there's like this weird little wrapping around it.
And yeah, you got this mace and it's going to be, you see what it says here?
You can feel that this thing would be very good against, like it's got some kind of like
special properties against the undead.
So it's a plus two mace.
So that means if you use this mace, whoever uses it, you will get a plus two to your hit.
What is a mace exactly?
Like handle, little club.
Yeah, this is what it looks like.
It's essentially like, it's called the bone counter.
It's like a club, but usually a mace has like rough edges or like spikes.
Well, sometimes that's a warning star, but.
The end of it, like the handle of it kind of looks like it's been like charred, like
a little black, it's got like a little burn mark on the end.
Essentially it's a big fever bone.
Yeah.
But yeah, big boy's been down here collecting all kinds of, you know, special.
Anybody want?
Who wants a mace?
I don't know who's proficient.
Who could actually use them?
I could probably use it.
Barbarian.
I got all kinds of stuff.
I think I'm proficient with a mace actually.
I think so.
You got your staff.
I'm pretty sweet charred.
I'm usually a dragon slayer usually, but you know, whatever you want.
What do you got?
Your cane?
I don't think.
I think Archie's still got the OG cane.
I don't think he might need a weapon.
I started out with a flea mace.
Can you get a mace?
A mace?
I don't know if I can.
If it's a martial weapon, you can use it.
You'd be proficient with it.
Yeah.
Club's simple.
If you go to your proficiencies on there, it'll tell you.
I have lots of them.
You might be able to use it.
Mace is.
I lied.
I have two diamonds.
Simple.
It's a simple melee weapon.
Simple weapon.
And proficient in this too.
So you might not get your.
So if we're proficient in a simple, you can get your, yeah, your proficient.
It's a simple weapon.
Yeah.
It says monk.
Monk.
That means it's a monk weapon.
So that means if you use it, you still can do your like special unarmed attack because
it's like a monk weapon.
Oh, but that's not.
Yeah, it is.
It's a simple weapon.
Yeah.
Usually it's simple and martial.
So yeah, you can use it.
Hand it over.
You still have a generic old weapon.
What's that swing?
That actually broke once.
It's still a normal mace damage, but it's a plus two.
So that the.
Huh?
That are just a total.
Total of normal.
A special something might happen when you kill another thing, but you don't know what
it will happen.
Well, he probably has a plus two from his proficiency as well.
Aren't you?
So yeah.
So yeah, he'll get whatever, whatever the proficiency and then it's a plus two.
So you get an extra plus two damage.
So yeah, it's a simple weapon.
It's a simple weapon.
You get an extra plus two to your hit.
Using it.
Some of my snow go.
He's got a plus eight.
The fresh.
Essentially what my dark greatsword is.
Why are there yellows?
I need to get a little insight on that.
Nothing else is that high.
That staff I got with the arrowhead shaped crystal.
So are you going to like just kind of investigate this thing again?
Getting a closer look at it and see what happened?
Yeah.
So roll me an investigation.
Minus one.
12. 12? Okay, so you look at it and the blue like crystal that was kind of glowing on the end
It's no longer glowing. Oh, no. There's no more like you don't feel that wave of around you.
Yeah, and when you kind of were rummaging through Big Bone
I don't know if I said this in the last episode
So I'm gonna say it now
When you're rummaging through Big Bone you kind of saw that light inside of him like glowing out as you died like that
Magic that was just kind of flowing through him. You see that kind of fade away as he died
So you can get the sense that there was some kind of magical thing flowing away from him
And now that that presence is gone
There's no more of that
You know what I mean?
I'm gonna check on old Mr. Riddle's
Okay
See if he's alive
Just a pile of bones on the ground
I'm going to take that crystal off into the staff get rid of the stick and I'm gonna mend it to my skull
Oh, yeah, you're gonna use your cantrip?
Yep
You're just gonna mend it. Okay. All right. Well, you got the blue crystal attached to your skull helmet. We'll see
Now you look fucking badass. Yeah. Hell yeah
Not be even be able to press little with that
So for the people in the tomb to room as Duke Crystal starts to walk away
You see you know a set of stairs ahead of you like kind of going north up and there's a big large sarcophagus
And then there's two sarcophagus on the left and right side of the next room. That's what you see
If anybody wants to do anything in that room, I
Kind of want to take a sarcophagus
You're not giving me it you want to give me a perception check flea stick
15
15. Mm-hmm. Very good. So you walk up and you see this
large sarcophagus and you can tell that this thing looks like way more important than the rest
Than the other like any of the other sarcophagus in this building that this place was probably meant for this person and the rest of these
People are like on the sides are more like his closest
People in his circle and type stuff. That's what you get from that perception check in this room
Yeah
Try give me a strength check on the big one. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, give me a strength check
Alright nice so the nat 20 when you open this
because you got a nat 20 you open it and
these like bone spikes that are sticking in the bottom of it come like shooting up at you to like stab and
with the nat 20 you kind of like shrink down low and they just kind of stick up over your head and then you see them like
Chim chim chim chim and then go back down inside of the sarcophagus and when you look inside there is nothing inside there
because his bones have been used to
Be piled up with a big bone
Already
So yeah, and then Duke crystal it flashback as you walk down the hallway you look ahead and you just see a pile of bones laying
on the on the ground and no mister Rios
I take you take his head. I take this home. Okay. Yeah attach it to the horse
So good
I'll put it by pack for now. Okay, mr. Riddle's head
So, yeah, that's about what you guys have done in this place if there's much more you want to do you can check
two other sarcophagus
Or anything else I don't know if you want anything else in the room what's up
I'm kind of like I like you concluding that big bones was he was killing all of her people that she was sending down here
yeah, the ones I've none really made it past mr. Riddle's because
Mr. Riddle's was killing them. Yeah
yeah, cuz they couldn't really get through the things or they were stuck by spike traps or
all the stuff
riddles bones
Amateurs. Yes
They could hit up the riddles. So yeah, there's not really much left for us to do down here except
That all there was no more rooms dead end. Yeah, that was all that was down in this place
He's mostly bones just like the bones and was down in a tomb
Like doll
He had to there's still two sarcophagus and then room with fleas take but not me I won't open
But you do know what happened when you open one, so yeah, I'm gonna know that okay
But yeah, dude, they you would like to open or check any sarcophagus. You're welcome to do so
We have to help versions from the look I was they crunched out and like traffic just do like a quick show with it
okay, give me a
Don't even give me a
Don't even don't even I don't think about it. Give me a strength check. I'm a strong blow for
15 plus 5 yeah
So you like are squatted down and you're doing like a push up from the ground like lower than the sarcophagus
So when you flip it over
You hear this titty titty and the spikes shoot up and when they shoot up you see
Like these necklaces that have like gold like diamonds and like all kinds of different ones hanging from it
Then it goes to do duty duty and it goes back down inside with the necklaces attached to the end of them
So really yeah, now you
Would you like to do smash smash?
Smash this thing. Okay, Amber
Make me attack roll my babies make me attack roll with your mace
I get so sarcophagus yes 14
It's not moving it ain't gonna dodge me
He thinks that AC at 20 yeah
23
What'd you do? What'd you get?
Um you swing down hard and your mates just gonna bounces off of his thing and cranks a little chunk chip out of it
And but when you hit it the spikes do go to duty duty and I shoot out and come up at you
I don't when you swing at it so water up. I try to slide a hand
I'm gonna slide a hand to try and grab these oh my god. I was just gonna come in there and hammer it with you
Oh, no, I'm okay, so you reach in real quick and as it goes in you uh
I grab a hold of two of the necklaces hang in there and when you go to pull them off
the cook kind of pulls back and slices your hand a bit and
I get the necklace. Yes, you still hold the necklaces you take three
little slashing damage, but don't get smashed by the lid, but you got a
You got like a really nice like two really nice
Necklaces were some Moolah
Do they seem special in any way they just know they just look like yeah, they just look very like you know well
Joel yeah, like it's got like some sparkly diamonds and stuff like it's
We have an estimated value or I have to get them appraised at the shop
I have to get them appraised and then I then I will have a
thing for it, so
Yeah, how many more are left in there? There was two necklaces that you saw on oh wait sarcophagus
There's one more you'd search the other side would I'd say for the side ones wait?
He got all the big one out of that one. Yeah, there's only two was it there. Yes in that one
Yeah, well I have not a lot of strength so
Good old buddy'd have to pop the lid off for me
And then maybe I can slide a hand then necklaces out of there and give you one
Okay
All the lids same way, crouch down, push it open, will they roll straight? Yeah go ahead sure why not?
It's gonna be easy. No, this one's a little lower. Oh you do not lift the sarcophagus you try and it doesn't budge
Anyone else want to give a shot? The flea stick comes in for the rescue with this little midget
Sorry, my head's still bleeding from that slash that threw me off and he rolls it
Oh, yeah, you guys are just this one seems like it's like the concrete around it is just like
Sealed tight like you can tell this one's gotten like wet. It's gotten hard. It's gone
I'll let you try one more time because I'll say your strength isn't good. So
Mine's not even I suppose the tactical images
Go ahead and roll a strength check if you want Archie. I
Just advise crouching down when you're staying at a distance. We'd stand over it
Eleven yeah, it sounds like it seems like this thing sealed up tight. I don't think she's budging. All right
I'll try just just to try but I've got minus one strength
Last one get to it. Yes for that necklace. Oh 18. Yes
Wow, okay. Let's see. I'll let you try one more you do it. I get Luke. Um, yeah, you kind of pop it open
How were you just like lifting this bitch up just like no I did what Duke did
So I'm trying to save myself from okay spots come up and you see a couple rings sitting on to the rings
Yeah, okay. So can I use my slight hand? Go ahead?
My slight hand is a plus eight so 12 plus eight
Yeah, yeah, you grab them expertly
Hands out and grab them and then just right back in the pockets like before it barely even saw that scratches or nothing
So I got two rings now, yeah, you got two very pretty rings
I called my beautiful beautiful necklaces that are brilliant. Oh
So yeah, good job you guys snagged some jewelry to make some money some more beautiful I still got nine gems worth 50 gold to sell
Yeah, each so there's nothing special about the rings either. They're just reading just nice
sexy rings
They're sexy ring. Yeah premium. Yeah, so you look at them closely you realize that there's like a little way
Vibri, there's like a there's like a diamond in it and then like a woman just gulped into the around it
Yeah, little pieces on side
Yeah, so we guys want to do now well then I guess we're gonna get the fuck out of here, okay
I'm skittled. I got nothing left with bone dust and cobwebs and
Swellings and bone does sweat my falls in here. Dookie sweat isn't like your sweat
Duke sweat or as I like
Like a dirty ass with sweat dripping down at the dookie sweat
Yeah, dookie dookie dookie sweat dookie dookie sweat. Okay
Uh-huh. Okay, let's move the unwashing each pouch dookie sweat. Oh, I'm on the cheese
Okay, so you guys make your way out. Um
Um, where the hell are you guys? Oh, yeah under dark even I'll say where the fuck even is this big bumly
You gotta come out of the cell in the church. Yeah in the cell a church
So you guys are leaving the dead bodies down there right and you just gotta let them know
Okay, just gonna make sure so yeah, you guys come up and little if it's standing there at the cellar and she's like
Oh, wow, you guys are you guys are alive. She goes with what what happened? Did you take you?
What's what happened down there? What's what happened pretty good? Yeah, girl. We deboned your done
deboned it
She looks at she looks at you fleece days. She's like you see like the visible confusion
she's like like it looks at you and she looks into like skull thing on your helmet and she's like
You I like she's like I like the skull but like what do you mean by you deboned it? What's what's going on?
You had a bone problem
She's like have you guys been reading my diary? What's
She goes what what's happening what happened that's a new problem
What's what's the bone problem there was a
You got some big bones in your donut. Oh my god. She says I wish I wish okay
So so you tell me there's a skeleton problem is what I'm getting there was yeah, yeah there was
Yeah, okay friggin mutants kill him. Oh, okay, so it's a king big bones
That's what he was called. There was a man called the Riddler and he was just straight murking your people
Oh, he was murking my people. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm riddles. He was rapping the riddles
Electrocuted me
Oh, so she was telling me that my people were killed because they couldn't figure out a riddle. Yeah
Yeah, she's like damn. Okay, I'm gonna have to get a class together and get people working on riddles
We can't have dumb people working here. Yeah, you guys like the box. Yeah
She goes well seriously guys. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking care of that
I guess we might be able to see what we can work with down there
Well, I don't remember how much I said I was gonna pay you guys 200
200 yeah, it's like 600 of me. I think you wanted to be
Yeah, be helping with your other bone. Yeah, it was 200 each and a date with flea stick
No, we discussed it was 200 total. It was 200 each and the date was flea stick
Oh, what come on, man? I'm pretty sure it was 200 total to divide between four is what it was. So
We literally risked our lives killing big bones
Deception maybe I was trying to say
What if we make fun of her for being broke? I don't know it's eight plus five
Did you roll? Yeah, that was the most silent roll ever. I didn't even hear it eight plus five
Yeah
Yeah, she goes listen, uh, I can't give you 200 each that's a lot of money she goes but I will give a
400 total deal. Okay, if you broke just say that and then she looks at
looks over at
Flea stick and she goes I do like what you did with your helmet that is a
It's like like throws her like hands up and she's like that is pretty fucking sick. It's pretty good today girl
Yeah, she like kind of walks away and she's like, you know
Like strutting off and go start talking to people and you hear like in the distance
She's like, let's get a fucking class together. We gotta figure out some riddles
Hey there, it's me Tristan the Dummy Master of this exciting campaign
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Now we have to go to T-Fling dirt bag.
Oh, you're going to T-Fling dirt bag?
Yeah, that's where I'm going to go.
I need to know how much my room's at.
I'm going to go.
Okay, so.
Your rings.
My sexy jewelry rings is what you said.
Sexy jewelry rings, sorry.
Penis rings.
I'm trying to find this.
I don't have a penis.
It's a cock ring.
He said they were normal.
They're just normal.
Any ring can be a cock ring.
If your cock's small enough.
Okay, so I'm just going to go off of this right quick.
I just had to find it here.
Roll me a D10, Kelly.
Panic, Hagen.
I did.
Critten, Critten.
Okay, alright, so that is, yeah, so those are both going to be 500 gold pieces.
Each?
Altogether, for both.
Sold to them.
So, yeah, I had to look at them compared to each other.
So is T-Fling, am I talking to T-Fling right now?
Yeah, sorry.
I was looking at this also, trying to tell.
So yeah, you guys walked in the T-Fling dirt bag and she kind of goes, what do you guys
got?
What's up here?
I want to know how much these rings cost.
I have two rings, sexy jewelry rings.
Sexy jewelry rings, okay.
And she grabs it and looks at it and she goes, oh, that is sexy.
And she goes, so for both of these, I will give you 500 altogether.
As you start to think, she looks at you and she's like, every fucking time.
Yeah, so like, how about 800?
She goes, no.
No counter offer?
You're going to stick to what you got?
Roll persuasion.
Crit fail.
She's like, did I say 500?
She's like, oh, I think I meant 450 is what I meant.
And she snags them off and takes the money and throws it down and she's like, thanks.
No bitch, no, give me my rings.
She goes, I can't, they've already been transacted.
You transacted that, I didn't accept it.
That's your bill of sale, ain't it?
No, we were negotiating.
Pulls out my dagger.
You crit failed.
Pulls out my dagger.
Okay, what are you going to do?
Give me my rings back.
Oh boy.
Give me my rings back.
No.
She goes, okay, I'll give you the full price, 500.
She gives you another 50.
Thank you, bitch.
Sorry, she has toxoplasmosis.
She goes, I can fucking tell.
They're really worth it.
Sorry.
Okay, get the fuck out.
Who else is here?
I'm going to go with you.
We're going to have sex.
I'll show up with a couple not sexy, just shidie necklaces.
No, he said they were sexy.
The rings are sexy.
The necklaces are just elegant.
Roll me a D6.
D6.
Wow.
You stink.
Oh, these stink.
Roll me a D6.
One.
One? Okay.
It's fine, it's just what type it is.
What type it is.
So, for one of these necklaces, this one, she can give you 250.
Because that's the type of, it's an Alexandrite.
Gems inside of it.
And for your other necklace, roll me a number D6.
Six.
She'll give you, this is a toe pad, so it's like bright golden yellow.
She kind of looks at it and she's like, wow, she goes, oh, these are pretty nice.
She goes, I can't, where'd you find these? Down in the cellar?
She goes, wow, that's pretty awesome. You see her looking out there, looking out the window, looking towards it.
She's like, do you think there's any more stuff down there?
No.
Not that I saw. Mostly just bones.
I'm talking to Duke.
Yeah, well you caught my rings and you got his necklaces in your hands, so no, there's nothing else down there.
I just tune her out.
She's like, oh, so you guys cleared it out, there's nothing left.
She goes, ah, all right, good, that's cool, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine.
She goes, well, this thing's really nice. So she goes, I'll give you 500 for just this one.
Yeah, he worked real hard to get that.
Yeah, I'll do the 750 for both.
Okay.
250, 500.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all right.
I'm just saying, I mean, I could've lied.
She said you used to be an hustle.
Yeah, yeah, that's how it's about, right?
Yeah, so transaction.
See, that's how you do business, right there.
Yeah, she was a bitch to me.
She offered you 500, you had to upsell her, and then she downsold you, and then you came back to 500.
She swatched me out another problem.
You ruined your relationship.
She swatched my rings before I said, yeah, I'll take that, I didn't want that.
Well, you prefer to be a bitch.
So now you've got a minus 2 to Curse but one's against her.
I don't give a fuck.
Are you guys done here, then?
I want to ask what this loot of illusions I got.
Oh, hold on, I got nine gems, I pull that and I sit down and I'm like, what do you think of them?
Nine gems, shit, you're gonna hold on?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so roll me a d10.
Let's do it twice, and we'll do the two, we'll do a group of two of these.
A three and a four.
Okay, so both of these, how much do you have?
Nine?
Nine, yeah.
Each one will be 65 gold pieces for each gem, like a single gem.
Alright, she want all nine?
Yeah, she'll take all nine.
They like to use for gems and stuff, so like, yeah, she'll take it, yeah.
So, 65 each?
Yeah.
For nine of them.
Five hundred eighty-five gold.
Five hundred eighty-five?
Yep.
Okay.
And are you done with your transaction then, Duke?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm loaded.
Yeah, she goes, she goes, seriously?
Thank you guys so much.
And then, Police Dick, did you have something you wanted to say?
I just wanted to see if she knew what this loot of illusions is.
We kind of left it at a question mark.
One second, I'll tell you.
Walk in, and you kind of like hold this loot up, and she looks at it and she goes, ooh, that's a cool looking loot.
She starts to kind of look it over and she goes, yeah, this definitely has some magic properties.
So, she goes, looks like you've got to be like super skilled with this stuff.
Like, usually you only see like bards using this kind of equipment.
And she says, but you know, if you could figure out how to play some of the chords and stuff, you could, looks like it creates some like harmless illusion or illusory visual effects and stuff within like five foot radiuses.
So, you can just kind of like, looks like it makes some distractions, which it puts her hands in.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
You can also, I guess, how do you wield it? Is it just like something you pull out?
Yeah, it's just an instrument.
Just got it.
Pull it out and play it.
Performance to play it and put on a good tune and stuff and, you know, all that good stuff.
But yeah, that's what that does.
Okay.
So you guys done then up in this piece?
Yep.
What kind of stuff you get for sale?
Weapons wise.
Roll me a T20.
Nine.
Nine. She goes, honestly guys, we haven't, you know, we just, we haven't really restocked much.
She goes, Lilith just came in and bought potions for you guys.
So that's about all the potions we had because we haven't really restocked, you know, we've been trying to, you know,
rack up some more stock here soon, hopefully.
But, you know, as soon as we do, we'll send someone to tell you guys.
Gotcha. Appreciate it.
You got jewelry to use.
Yeah.
So yeah, saying that, make a perception check and all of you and Duke with advantage because you were saying you got jewelry to do this.
Yeah.
19. Perception or?
Eight.
18.
Perception?
Yeah, I'm just freaking blinking right now for some reason. 21.
21? Okay. So, Flea Stick, Archie and Duke.
As you guys are kind of walking out and Duke, you hear Duke say, well, you got jewelry to use.
She goes, yes, I do.
And you see her hanging up these rings on her like shelf and it's like 700, 700 gold pieces like written under it.
As you three walk out, you see her.
That's business.
Yeah.
You guys exit Tiefen Dirtbag.
What would you guys like to do?
As you would just rob the place.
Hey, Rob this bitch.
That really means like that.
I meant like she should trade a couple of gems for some other stuff that she wants to stock the store with.
We'll just sell people who want potions, $700 gems.
Yeah.
$700 gold gems.
That's fine.
Go on.
She'll learn one day.
Not really what I meant, but it's fine.
Do what you want with the figures.
Okay. What would you guys like to do?
Leave this motherfucker.
Yeah. You guys exit Tiefen Dirtbag and you're standing in the streets of Dark Haven.
Outside town.
Outside of town.
You're smart.
You got to unrest or anything?
Well, yeah, after a long rest.
Oh, so you're going to take a long rest?
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Every time we're in town, we're going to take a long rest.
Okay. Well, then we have something to happen.
Shit.
Yeah, Duke, make a wisdom save, Duke.
Wisdom. Exactly.
Quick fail.
Really?
Yeah.
Shit, dude.
Every time he does, I think, you can't fail last five of them.
So you kind of are laying in bed and you're just kind of tossing and turning and you feel like you're asleep, but you're just like not asleep.
You're just like flipping around and you feel your hand like shaking and reaching for your sword.
As soon as your hand touches this sword, it's like blackout.
And that's all that happens.
Sure it is.
Yeah.
Okay, the rest of you, we can all take a long rest.
You all can take a long rest, but yes, that's all that happens right now.
I'm resting.
So as you wake up, Duke Crystal, your bed, your clothes, everything in your room is absolutely covered in blood.
Oh, gosh.
There is blood everywhere.
Are we all in the same?
No, you're all in your own little rooms in the end.
Okay.
Yeah.
So yeah, when you wake up, there's literally blood.
Your bed looks like some of you had like came in through the door or something.
The door is kind of just closed, but there's smears everywhere on the walls.
The floor is smeared.
The bed's just like splattered and there's blood everywhere.
Gross. No bodies?
No, there's no bodies.
There's just blood all over the room.
And himself.
Do with that with what you will.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Clothes?
Did my clothes ruin?
Yeah, your clothes are covered in blood.
Sweet.
Absolutely covered in blood.
I never gave him that flannel.
I still got it in my pouch.
You got a pouch too?
Yeah.
He's got some shit in his.
Do I have a window?
Yeah.
There's a little window.
Okay.
I was just like, is there a creek nearby?
I was about to actually never mind.
Yeah.
So you guys have been kind of in the woods of this area and when you exited out before
how you followed the path and came out by the ocean side, you can head out that way
if you'd like.
Yeah.
You want to make me a stealth check if you try to slip out this window and run through
a couple streets?
18.
18?
Okay.
Yeah.
So you kind of slip out this window and you kind of head running past the street, running
past the street.
Make me a perception check.
17.
Okay.
So you're running by the street and you look to your right down towards the middle of town
and there's this well in the street and you look over and you see people pulling and pulling
and then you see a pulley system pull in and then bodies start coming out of the well.
They're pulling some bodies out of the well and none of them look like they're around
from what you, with your perception of them.
None of these look like they're from around here.
These aren't.
They're not wearing emo clothing.
They're wearing normal people's clothing.
But yes, you start seeing them pull bodies out of the well and they're just like, you
see them all throwing their hands up and they're like, what the hell is going on here?
But yeah, and then you start to slink past and make your way to the ocean side to clean
yourself off, I guess.
Take a bath with my clothes on.
Yeah.
I'm taking the geesebats off and I'm sitting on the bank and watching them the whole time
I'm bathing.
You can't get it wet.
He's like, he's like after a shark.
He's like bobbing in the water.
Alligator.
He's out there bobbing in the water.
He was like, he was watching.
Yeah.
So the rest of you, as Duke Crystal is off bathing, the rest of you awake and to like,
you hear like some kind of commotion and shouting outside and as you walk outside of the inn,
you're looking over the street and you see them like lining bodies up.
Like there's about three, four, there are about four or five bodies just like lined
up in the street where it looks like they had been there.
Like some are like mangled.
There's like missing arms.
They look like they've been like waterlogged.
Like some are like drowned, like floated, you know, like bloated.
Yeah.
They're just starting to line these bodies up and starting to cover them up in the street
and you see Lilith kind of like pale face just like standing out there like confused.
What do you do?
Ask Lilith what's going on?
What the hell?
I go over and try and comfort her.
Yeah.
So she has a hand on her shoulder and she's like, she goes, well, I don't, I don't exactly
know.
Uh, someone went on a spree of like a massacre spree and stuffed all these bodies inside
of the well.
She's like, there's, there was mangled bodies.
They were torn apart.
There's just, they're strangled.
There's all kinds of crazy stuff, but they are obliterated and she kind of like looks
around at the group as you guys are all kind of around her and she goes, where's Duke at?
Duke he's probably in bed still, but I bet this was the hatchling and slasher guy.
I bet he's back.
I bet he followed us here.
She goes, she like looks to the rest of the group and she's like, she goes, um, uh, she
goes, yeah, yeah, I miss muffin.
Yes.
It's probably the hatchling slasher again.
And she goes, but I don't know what to do about this.
She goes, I actually had some news to tell you guys, but this just kind of fucked it
up.
She goes, but we're going to get these bodies taken care of.
We're going to start interviewing the town.
We're going to see what's going on.
You guys, you know, go wake up Duke and then come find me.
And uh, I got stuff to take and she kind of like turns around and starts to go get her
stuff ready.
So what would you guys like to do?
You go to Duke's room and try to check on him.
Go wake up Duke.
What are you doing?
What are you doing now that you've bathed and what's the timetable?
Like, um, I'd say it's been, you know, a good, you know, you kind of just trekked down the
path a bit.
So it's been probably about 30, 40 minutes.
People have been cleaning.
They've cleaned up the street.
They've, you know, kind of done their thing.
But they're about to be, well, I was saying they, you had left before them.
They were still doing their thing, waking up.
It's all quickly happening in the same succession, I guess.
Not like, not like it's been, yeah.
Make me an athletic check to see if you can run back while they're still talking and doing
their thing before they make it to your room.
It's like one of those like slow mo like movie moments.
It's like, you're like going for the door handle and he's like sprinting through the
woods.
13 plus seven.
Twenty.
Okay.
So you're running like your ass off and you're just like, you're here like trees are like
whipping past you and you come in and it does like one of those like Scott Pilgrim like
dive through the window real quick, like just straight through the window and not broke
window, but you know, you got through the window quickly and was that what you're trying
to do?
Yeah.
Before they did?
Okay.
So they get to the bedroom and then you hear a knock at your door.
Well I'm going to slice my arm very deeply.
Oh boy.
Oh my God.
I'm going to sling the blood a little bit around the room like where it's already done.
Okay.
With of course the dark great sword.
Oh with the great sword?
Okay.
Well your damage then.
You should have just grabbed something on the way there.
It's already dead.
Oh is it going to swing for that much damage?
It's not a swing.
It's a slice.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well we'll do this then.
We'll just pull it out the sheets and like run it.
So you're going to take five slashing.
Okay.
That's more reasonable.
And when you do this though, you cut your own arm and it like seeps the blood through
into it and as you're seeing like this blood of yourself go into this sword that usually
draws from you, you see your blood kind of like get a little bit of black like connection.
Almost looks like symbiotic but it's not like in you but you just see that like.
Like reaching out for the blood.
Yeah.
Of your body and then it like latches for a second and then you hear like this like super
like clears day voice in your head.
He goes, what's that?
And then your hand starts to kind of move itself a little bit and then it detaches and
snaps back to the sword.
Oh no.
As you, you know, gave it some of your own blood as you're wielding it.
Yeah.
You cut yourself.
You did five damage to yourself.
And we're like still knocking.
Hello dude.
Wake up.
You going to open the door?
Yeah.
Okay.
So you open the door and yes you guys see a grizzly scene.
There's a Duke Crystal holding his arm, blood everywhere.
His room's absolutely obliterated.
You know what?
Duke actually made me a, make me a performance check to make it seem like you actually slung
this much blood because this room's fucked.
Performance check?
Yeah.
Duke Crystal is on drugs all the time and aggravated until it's expected.
Uh, 17.
Okay.
So yeah, yeah.
You like, as they walk in, Duke's doing this, like you see him like slinging his arm on
the wall and then slinging his arm back on the other wall.
And then he's like slapped onto his bed.
He goes, I fucking could go.
You know, he's like showing you his arm like cut and yes, you successfully portray that
you cut yourself and slung blood literally everywhere.
So I run up and grab Duke's arm and I mend it.
You mend it?
Okay.
I guess that happens because it's just a mend I guess.
I say, what the fuck's going on man?
It's awfully messy in here.
I know some fucking undead creature fucking came out of nowhere in the woods and slashed
my ass.
I got back here as quick as I could.
It came out of nowhere like a guerrilla warfare expert.
It jumped out, slashed me, ran back in the woods.
That's crazy because they're pulling bodies out of the well, dude.
Really?
What is going on?
Do we have time to clean this room down before anybody comes see it?
Duke rule deception.
And since Fleece think you're talking to him, rule insight.
Insight.
Yes.
To see if you can kind of pick anything up.
18 plus six.
14.
Okay.
So you kind of, you can believe that Duke was cut, but you don't really believe that
like someone, like an undead creature just ran in here and attacked him and then he went
back to sleep.
You know what I mean?
Like you just don't believe that.
Well, it was outside.
So you know something's up, but you know that something, you don't know what's going on.
You just know, but that, yeah, something weird happened, but Duke's acting more weird than
usual.
Um, but yeah.
All right.
Is there really a bucket or something in here?
We gotta get your room cleaned out, dog.
Yeah.
You guys successfully cleaned up his, uh, you go get a bucket and a mop.
That's a mop.
And then, uh, clean up his room.
We speak this to nobody.
Keep this quiet.
I don't know what happened, but it's quiet.
Um, yeah.
So, uh, I'm guessing you guys are going to tell Duke that Lilith wanted to see everyone.
Hey, Duke, Lilith wants to see everybody.
Performance of a life.
Okay.
So you guys head outside and you kind of look around and Lilith is, uh, coming out of the
church building and she walks up and she goes, so guys, um, I'm, I'm dealing with what's
going on here, but I, you know, I've promised you that I would give you answers.
I would try to find info about this dimensional stuff that you're dealing with.
She's like, so here's what I got.
Um, a good friend of mine, Baron Axebreaker has a job for us.
God damn it.
Now I'm going to say it forever.
I can't stop thinking.
You didn't say it.
You said, uh, yeah.
A good friend of mine, Baron Axebreaker has a job for you guys.
And he says that he's got connection to a strange magic that he doesn't know how to
wield, but you may be able to work with this and figure something out that has to do with
playing our dimensions.
I'm trying so hard.
I can hear you pausing.
You're like putting a couple thoughts, a couple variants for every, uh, you want to.
Um, the, uh, playing our dimensions.
I gotta figure out what I'm trying to do.
I gave it to you.
Sorry.
Just say that.
I have to.
My brain can't process it.
What was I saying?
You can read the book and you just, it was so weird when you're trying to filter out
the others.
You're like, it's just a lot of pauses for dramatic things.
Uh, uh, sorry.
Okay.
Let's do this.
I don't even know what I said now.
Baron Axebreaker.
A good friend of mine, Baron Axebreaker, has a job for you guys.
A good friend of mine, Baron Axebreaker, has a job for you.
Baron Axebreaker.
A friend of mine, a good friend of mine, Baron Axebreaker has a job for you guys.
He, um, he, he says that he can help you guys with the plain arm magic and he has connections
to someone who can wield this magic.
But the problem is they may be in prison.
So he wants you to meet with him and talk about how you can try to break them out.
But that's all I know for now.
So you're going to have to go meet with him in Phandalin and, uh, talk to him and he will
explain everything to you.
Prison break.
So yeah, you guys need to gather your stuff up, uh, prepare for a journey to Phandalin,
which isn't super far from where you're at.
It's pretty close.
So you will be able to make it to Phandalin and wait for the meeting with Baron Axebreaker,
not Baron Axebreaker.
Um, and then what do you guys want to do?
How do you guys prepare for this?
You're going to take your skelly horse.
They have supplies for you guys to take as well.
Um, like a wagon and a horse.
Some food, some rations.
Some glob of gold in the horse.
In the horse.
All usual.
Toilet paper for the road.
Uh, toilet paper?
I don't do it.
I don't even have toilets.
Just let it dry up and scratch it off.
Oh God.
I miss home.
I like using the, I almost agree.
And then I was like, wait a minute.
That's not right.
He's like, wait.
That's incorrect.
No, no we didn't not do that.
Personally, I like shit in the river.
He said I can't go to the river.
Not submerged under the water.
He goes inside.
I just kind of lean over a tree and stand shitting.
He's like, it's kind of like birthing in the water.
But I had to sit out when I pee.
I'm God.
I don't, I don't shit.
No physically.
I'm just God.
Um, so yeah, you guys, uh, gather up a wagon.
You strap up glob of gold in the horse and you make way for Fandling.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and
Tristan Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
A-R-C-S-I-ZERO.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
Most importantly, join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dummies with Dice for free or for $3
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Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.