Viewer Warning Use of Violence, Profanity, Rude Humor, and the Portrayal of Drug and
Alcohol Use.
Welcome to Dummies With Dice a Dungeons & Dragons, actual play podcast that follows four not-so-average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported to the
world of Dungeons & Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back home.
Hey y'all, I'm Kelli Lee.
I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin eats ice cream before bed every night and is missing it so bad in
this new world.
What up?
Nate here.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's the 32 year old drug addicted barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he has a third nipple.
I will not disclose where it's at though.
We're not judging.
We don't judge that.
Oh Jesus.
Um, who thinks Duke?
I mean...
Do him a curveball.
Curveball!
Curve nipple.
Third nipple.
You done choking Archie?
You done choking?
I'm not choking
Hey guys, Ryan.
R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, his favorite genre of music is EDM.
Yes!
Bum bum bum bum bum.
Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.
He does not feel normal throughout the night.
I love party times you have fun party times.
Say hi to the horse.
Hey everyone Ryan Tucker here (R2)
Here I play Fleastick Sockjelly, I am the hobo trash master cleric of the god
Rumpke.
I am MacGyver of all the things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, I poop standing up.
That's good.
That's even worse than the first one!
No one raised him!
He also…
Wipes back to front.
He also poops outhis penis.
shit out his penis and pisses out his ass.
Yeah.
Is it like a purely like vertical poop— I poop sadstead.
I'm from the strength leg of the stance.
Straight standing on the strength leg.
Straight down.
You have shit on your leg. I know.
I noticed he's sitting down because he gets drunk.
He gets into a sumo stance.
Oh god.
Splatsch just hit the back of his ass.
What's my name? I've forgotten.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the Dummy Master.
And my fun fact is, oh this goes well,
the largest piece of fossilized dinosaur poo discovered is
Flea Sticks Alleyway. No.
The largest piece of fossilized dinosaur poo discovered
is over 30 centimeters long and over 2 liters in volume.
Damn, the whole 2 liters.
How did they know it was a dinosaur poo?
Well I was hoping it was not a man's poo.
Because what else is there to push that out of?
Giant nickname.
The first humans.
I want it to be dead.
I'm not going to play.
So Tunnel Collapses on Hazel the kitty.
The tunnel looks to be soft dirt.
You can dig it out if you want to give a strength check.
I want to.
I have no strength though.
I'm pretty sure my strength is minus 1.
Let me double check that.
Is anyone helping her do this?
I can help her.
15 minus 1, 14 is a strength check.
Let me dig out my baby girl.
You dig her out enough to where you can pull her through,
but the tunnel is filled with soft dirt.
I pulled her through, is she okay?
Yes, she's okay.
It was a matter of suffocation.
I'm never using her again, Duke Crystal.
She is a little scraped up, a little hurt Paul.
She's all covered in dirt.
The cat found the trap.
Good work.
That happens.
The tunnel is collapsed with soft dirt.
There were 2 circles of dirt.
I believe Duke Crystal was planning to search one, correct?
Yes, the one on the left side of the room.
For his perspective.
The east one.
This room.
Give me a strength check.
Pull this thing off the lid.
16 on the left?
Yes.
As you get a grip under the lid of the sarcophagus,
you lift and you feel it break free.
You open the door and a cloud of poison shoots out into the room.
It fills a 10 foot room.
Everybody make me a dexterity saving throw.
DC 15.
I'm good though, I'm poison resistant.
I think you're advantage.
You can make an advantage not to be poisoned or something like that.
Unless it says immune.
Everybody in the room.
I have advantage on...
I already rolled a banner on the first time.
You get advantage against poison.
You get to roll twice to see if it...
I have advantage on deck saves that I can see while not blinded, deaf, and or incapacitated.
Technically, could I see the poison spraying out?
As it comes out?
Are you looking at it?
Yes, because you're looking straight into it.
You see the fizzle and the shoot.
I should have advantage on the deck save.
Go ahead.
Cool.
I got a 14.
I got an advantage.
11.
Still not great.
Dexterity saving throws for you two.
I will concur what happens towards the end.
9.
9?
What did you get?
9.
10 plus 1.
Everybody fails.
We're going to take some damage here.
Pause.
Queef.
Why?
Because you just said I got 9.
Well, 10 plus 1.
I said 9 plus 1. 10.
If I said 10 plus 1, I was on exit.
10.
Okay, so...
3, 2, 2.
Okay, so 3, 2, 2.
2, 2.
That's what you take.
All of you.
Give us a deck save for Hazelnut.
Hazelnut.
Trip fail.
Are you serious?
Why would you do that to me?
Do cat dimension it.
Okay, so you all are getting hit with hard poison gas
and start flowing out of the room
and begin to get away from the cloud.
And Miss Muffin, you take off running with Hazel
after you just pulled her out of the dirt.
You run around the corner and you look down and she's very green.
Oh my god.
Make a medicine check.
Hazel?
9?
You give her a little bit of a pat and some smack around
and you can see life breathing, but she is not moving and she's weak.
What do I do?
I take her to somebody who can help with poison.
But she is definitely hurt and down for the count.
For the time being.
Will she be...
There's like a cat.
Open the room, start popping.
I'll kill myself.
Round 1.
I'm going to go over and open the other one.
Because I don't bug around.
Let's see.
Do I have stone?
Wait, wait.
Crystal has healing potions.
Can they be used on my cat?
She is poison.
What about my spiritual fan I have flying around?
I didn't blow the gas in the different direction.
No, the gas dissipates after it shoots out in the area.
So the room is cleared now.
You can try to open the other sarcophagus if you'd like.
You're going to open the sarcophagus?
May as well everyone else just not stand there when I do this.
Strength check.
I'm holding my breath.
I have my helmet on.
21?
You pop the lid right off and a pot of acid sprays out.
Dope.
Advantage on the save.
Yes, next 30 save.
So...
13.
13?
I got an 11 last time.
Well, yeah, still fails.
4,
1,
and 1.
6.
I stayed out of the room while he...
Was there anything in them?
You know what?
Let me roll.
Can I search the empty sarcophagus now?
You find 150 gold pieces.
I'll say between both of them.
There's 150 in between both.
What else is in there?
Just two sarcophaguses and that sarcophagi.
Why do I keep changing every time I say the name?
And the tunnel that collapsed.
And the remnants of Hazel's last breath.
What?
I said I want to go through that tunnel.
You want to go through the tunnel?
I said I wonder what's through it.
I don't know.
You can try to dig your way through it if you'd like,
but that could end in consequences.
I don't want to cave in again.
I have animal handling wisdom,
so shouldn't I be able to roll and find out if I can help her?
She's desperate.
Yes.
Help?
I think it's more so the problem is
she's a quick fail on a poison attack.
Like an acid.
She's burnt up with acid.
She needs some specialized healing
to get her back to normal.
Was it acid or poison?
Acid.
Her fur is gone.
I said poison cloud.
I meant like it sprays like a cloud of acid.
But I have animal handling skills,
so can I not heal her?
That will not stop the fact that the acid has eviscerated her body.
She is breathing,
but she is definitely incapacitated.
As you would say, like down.
Just shake her around real aggressive.
Let me grab a hold of her.
She's alright.
Can I try and feed her a can of soda?
She ain't going to eat.
She's basically down.
That's what I'm taking her as right now.
She's not fully dead, but if you don't get her help eventually,
they might have to care.
I know! I want to get her help right now.
You better find people.
The only thing you know is
a normal potion will do it.
It won't?
No.
I guess I can use a spell slot.
This is crit fail damage of acid.
Can he use a spell slot?
Healer with the spell?
For the cat?
Don't do it.
I would say
if you want to use a spell slot on the cat,
I will let you use cure wounds
or like lesser restoration.
Please do that!
Use Siphon Life.
Or
I have the one that just makes it stand up.
That's Spare the Dying.
That makes it where they don't have to make death saves
and they'll be stable.
Instead of just dying and dying
or rolling and failing.
Or there's somebody maybe
at the cave in that could help.
But Spare the Dying is free.
Right?
Yes, that's a cantrip.
So I can just like
make her stable.
You can make her stable to where you know she won't die
until you get her help but she will still be fucked up.
Are you happy with that?
I'll use that.
So she crit fails again.
Flee stick, yeah.
Spare the Dying
to keep Hazel from
actually completely dying.
Thank you so much!
But she's still very injured and very incapacitated.
Now Kelly can only one hand.
Yeah, you gotta carry your Gat now.
Archie and Duke Crystal are asking for death.
Do you want me to put him in my poncho bag?
In my bag?
I'll carry him.
I'm gonna keep him on me.
She'll be safe with me.
Okay, so now what would you guys like to do?
Well, there would be
some high place except some gold and acid.
I need to heal.
If you...
Are we all like hideously
scarred now?
We always have been.
I will say
as far as you can tell from the other
halls, like
if you were to go down the west passage
you can tell that it seems to be about the same
as this room. There's a couple
sarcophagi.
Don't open them, Duke Crystal.
There may be stuff...
I'm sorry. Don't!
It looks like almost the same room but just with a little more sarcophagi.
I'm not going in the rooms he's going in.
Well, let's hit the one that doesn't look
identical to this one.
The south path? Sure.
Let's see what it's all about.
So, as you
walk down this path
you come into a small room and you see
bones scattered all across
the ground.
Who's the first person to walk into this room?
Oh, me.
Okay, Duke.
As you enter the room
you see the bones start to
shift and
morph and pull together
and it forms a
skeleton horse.
This horse kind of just
looks at you and doesn't attack
but it's looking curiously at you guys.
It wants him to take him out.
I shake my hand out.
You see the
crinkle of the bones
on its nose where its skin and flesh
used to be and it kind of crinkles
up and you see it almost kneel
down as if it wants you to climb on it.
Oh my god.
Sure.
As you come up to hop on it
you realize the ceiling is not very high
for climbing and riding a horse in this place.
So the horse is almost bowing
to you and looks at you and is like
okay and then stands back up but you see the bones
shift and morph and get smaller into
a smaller horse
that shrinks down
and it starts to move with you guys.
You got a transformer.
You got a skeleton horse.
An undead skeleton horse that can shift its size
a little bit smaller and a little bit bigger.
Bones.
Bones the horse.
Just make sure they don't lay down for one
cruise at a time.
I say as you look you see
pieces of like stomachy flesh
hanging out on the bottom of it.
He just looks at you like
don't even notice.
Yeah so
that is mostly I think it for
Dragon Barrow down there.
The tombs that you've discovered.
You don't see any more paths that
period out. Oh well you do see the exit
of the tunnel that collapsed
inside that room.
So.
You can't touch
the whole thing.
You guys make your way back to the spiral stairs
to head out and
you can't touch the whole thing.
You can't make your way back to the spiral stairs to head
out of this place or anything else you want to do in here?
Oh I want to go get help.
We need to go rest up.
I need to go get potions.
The horse is allowed.
My horse out of this.
Take.
Oh yeah you get to the spiral stairs
and then the horse still looks at it and is like
you just see him like crinkle his bones up
and like start going up this like five foot wide
like little tight spiral
stair to walk up to the top and then you guys find yourselves back on top of the
30 foot hilltop with the big spikes of the bones looking stuff on top where you
secret entrance was. That has to be uncomfortable without a saddle.
There's penetration happening.
You better not get a gallagoy.
We'll have to get him a saddle.
My gooch pouch is protecting me.
Okay, so as you guys climb back out the top of the secret entrance, you're all kind of doing
your thing. You know, Duke's kind of looking over his new horse, Mismuffin, you're handling
Hazel, and then you feel like your wrist, the spiked collar that was given to you by Lilith Darko,
it starts to like kind of vibrate and glow. I guess if it's a cell phone ringing.
I scream, I've always been terrified, what the fuck is it?
So you do? Are you going to answer it? Like anything to it? I don't even know what you just said.
I've always been terrified of it, what the fuck is it doing?
You can tell that it looks like a cell phone. It's ringing. Like somebody's on the other end.
Hello?
You hear Lilith Darko's voice. She goes, where the fuck are you guys?
Is it you I'm looking for?
I don't remember what I say.
None of your fucking business.
Where are you, Lilith?
I'm in Darkhaven, where we just got attacked by the orcs that you guys slaughtered in the street,
and then left to go do whatever you did, and then never came back. What's going on?
Stuff.
Tell me what to say, friends.
We're adventurers.
Alright, I got this.
Obviously we went on an adventure, Lilith.
An adventure. You went on an adventure.
So are you going to come back?
Are you guys okay? What's happening?
No, we're not okay. And yeah, we're coming back, and I need someone to save my cat.
Your cat? What? Chicken? Is that what you're talking about?
Oh, you mean the pet thing that you carried around. Okay, yes. Oh, yeah. Okay. You need someone to take care of it?
I need someone to take care of her. She's dying.
Who'll take care of it?
Who'll take care of it? Okay, so you need help with your cat?
Yes, please.
Okay, well, if you guys come back, and we need to talk, and I will see what I can do for your cat. See if we can help with it.
Good deal.
What's wrong with the cat? What happened?
She was acid sprayed, poisoned.
Acid sprayed, poisoned.
Okay, we'll see what we can do for that. And then you feel the energy from the bracelet kind of fade off.
Guys, did you guys hear that? Is this real? Did that just happen?
Are you guys going to head back to Dark Haven?
Yeah, we have to.
Isn't that like a fucking hole?
You guys didn't venture too far away from Dark Haven.
We've gone freaking mountain worse.
You guys were kind of in the middle of the forest. And you kind of went out of the edge of the forest and then just traveled down a little bit.
Down the road. Centaur man came and you killed it.
Mr. Master?
That's Mr. Dummy Master, sir, to you?
Mr. Dummy Master, sir, can I use my animal handling and ask Duke Pistol's permission to ask his horse to get real big to fit us all on it.
To take us to Dark Haven like that.
Yeah, sure.
So that would be...
I believe his name is Bones now.
Oh yes, Bones.
Well, I have to get permission. Duke Pistol, can I do that?
Ride your cat.
Okay, so I got a ten plus threes. I got a thirteen.
A thirteen for him to see if he can get big.
So I'm like, yo Bones, Duke Pistol, you're your guy up there.
He might not want us to, but can you get all big please and put us on there and take us back to Dark Haven so my cat can live.
So, special thing about this thing, it bonds with the first person.
So he kind of looks at you with your thirteen and he looks back up to Duke and he looks back at you and he goes...
And he shakes his head and he's like, I can't.
You can see in his face, he goes a little bit bigger and he's like, I can't go back.
He shrinks back to a normal size horse.
Well then we're fucked, we're on foot, but we're still going back.
Pay a man.
Yeah, you guys can pretty much travel back to a normal speed.
It won't take you days, you're not far, but if you want to go back to Dark Haven, we can do that.
Yeah, I got to.
I don't care, we can take the horse.
Oh, change of heart!
Wait, so you will let them ride the horse?
Everyone but her.
Oh my God, I'm the one with my dying cat.
You had to open your mouth.
I'll give you a piggyback ride and then I'll ride the horse.
Yeah, that's the problem with Duke.
Duke, you give him a bit of emotion to push away.
I give you an inch, you take a mile.
You ain't getting nothing now.
Okay, so I need somebody to make me a nature or survival check.
One of you, whoever has is good.
Is there one walking?
Any of them.
I got a four.
This is just to kind of traverse the paths and get back to Dark Haven.
Who's got the best one?
I've got zero nature and one survival.
I've got four survival.
That's probably one of the best, I would say.
I've got two survival.
16 plus four?
Okay, yeah, you're easily able to navigate back to Dark Haven.
Let me get my map.
We walked the horse slow so she can keep up.
No, not on the uphills.
I'm holding my dying cat so you guys can ride on and do without fucking Ryan.
I have to walk through with my dead cat anyway.
She's not dead.
Dying cat.
I thought you were piggyback riding me on the horse.
I can.
I didn't say you couldn't ride him.
As you guys come into Dark Haven, the town there, you see Lilith at the edge and where Goblinzilla was, the one you guys slain in the street and then left after reading the note to go take out the camp.
You see there's just pieces of him left and then you see a few other tieflings walk by and they're just chopping him up to remove him because he was too big for them all to just carry.
They've just been chopping him up slowly and taking him out and then you see them taking body parts away and stuff.
Lilith is standing there and she goes, oh you guys came back, thank god.
Mrs. Muffin, your cat?
She's right here, please help.
She looks at it and you see her visibly gag a little bit.
She takes it and she goes, this thing is very badly damaged and we will take it and see what we can do.
Depending on some rolls, we'll see how it comes out.
I'm going with you.
You're going with her?
Oh yeah, I'm not leaving her alone with anything.
She hands her off to a tiefling, just a tiefling with the horn, those type of people and you guys head off into the direction of the houses and stuff.
Deal.
As you guys go away, Lilith turns to the rest of the group and she goes, what's your guys' plans?
We've sent people over to the wizard's tower to study some of his stuff and see if we can figure out what was going on to help you guys with your little dimension problem, universe problem, wherever you're at.
So far we haven't turned anything up.
We brought his telescope over here though and set it up inside of the church's temple that has the dimensional view in it.
She goes, but we are still studying and we will still try to see if we can find anything else for you guys.
But as of now, we do not have much information.
But that's what you got.
Should we long rest while we're here?
Would you like to long rest everybody?
Yes.
So you can get all your stuff back.
So as you guys all head to the inn to go rest, Miss Muffin, you off with the tiefling and hazel.
Kelly, or Miss Muffin, make me a history or a perception check.
One or two.
Well, my history is zero and my perception is three.
So I would do perception.
Okay.
15 plus three.
Okay. So as you're being led down this street and you're coming to this building, you start to realize something.
You're looking at like the walls of the street and you're seeing like these weird painted runes on the walls in red blood looking substance.
And you cut around the corner and you're being led to the ritual building that you stopped the ritual in.
And the lady turns around and she says, I'm going to need you to come with me since you wanted to be a fool and follow us.
You're going to be my prisoner.
And she bounds your hands and starts to pull you into the ritual building.
What do you do?
Oh my God.
Getting kidnapped.
She already bound my hand.
She's like got ropes around your hand like she's about to tie you up.
You got like about an action.
I use my wrist and I call for Lilith Darko.
You can only be used once until next till dawn.
I don't give a flying fuck.
Wait, what just happened?
So I'm like Lilith Darko.
She's putting her nose in places she shouldn't have.
Nothing happens.
Nothing?
They only can be used once per day.
Once you can only make one call and ascending stone with her.
I didn't know that's what you meant.
Okay. What else are you going to do then?
I don't know because she's bound my hand.
You can make, I will give you some options.
You can make a sleight of hand check to try to slip out before she gets you.
You can make, you can scream.
You can, you know any of those along those lines.
My sleight of hand is plus eight so I'm going to sleight of hand out of them fucking bounds.
You're going to sleight of hand to try to get out of it before she ties them?
Nineteen plus eight.
Nineteen plus eight?
Yeah.
So I free my hands and grab my dagger.
Okay with that highway roll I will say you free your hands and your dagger is drawn.
Now what do you do?
Now I'm going to slice this tiefling across her throat.
You're going to slice her across the throat?
Yeah.
Make me an attack roll with advantage.
Sixteen plus seven.
I'll rebound her up.
Okay as you draw your blade and drag it across her throat her blood sprays out across your face
and you turn around and Lilith Darko is standing in the street and she says
what the fuck did you just do to one of our citizens?
And I tell her your citizen just tried to take me as its prisoner and do a ritual on me
in the ritual building and she told me I was going to be dead so she's dead.
Persuasion check.
Twenty plus five.
Just a reminder you guys never told Lilith about the ritual because the guy bribed you not to.
So she has no idea about this ritual either.
What'd you get?
Twenty plus five.
Natural twenty?
Natural twenty.
Oh okay.
She goes she tried to kidnap you.
What ritual?
What ritual are you talking about?
There's a lot you don't know.
There's so much you don't know.
We were told not to tell you but I have to know because she's trying to kill me and I need my cat.
She goes okay then show me the ritual site.
Show me what's happening and you take her inside the building?
Yeah of course.
Okay did you step inside the building?
You see like four people standing there in like rows and they turn around and they go okay do you have the cat and the woman that was supposed to come?
And then they see you and Lilith standing there.
What do you guys do?
What do you do?
Me and Lilith I grab Lilith and I run immediately right back out the door and I keep running holding on to her as I'm screaming I told you I told you but we can't stay they'll get us we have to go back and get the rest of our group.
Okay roll initiative.
Roll initiative Kelly.
18 plus 4.
Okay so you're gonna get they went lower than you so you get to go first.
What are you gonna do with the speed?
Now you're gonna be moving an initiative so you and Lilith go first to move away I'm assuming you're gonna use your full movement to run.
Right back out the building.
Okay so what is your movement speed?
Because this is a matter of getting to your group before they get to you.
Where do I find it at?
It should be right on your...
Walking 30 foot.
30 foot? Okay so 30 foot, decent run, decent haul.
Yeah halfway down the street now they are gonna move but I think they only have 30 foot as well but they are further so.
Yeah they are further up.
So I'm gonna say with your roguely powers and your dashing skills you guys are gonna get to the end with the group and then they are going to be about outside the building if you're all going to jump in and help with this situation.
Granted Lilith Darko is actually here a part of this fight now too.
Also in the midst of all that did I get my cat back from that tiefling?
No you did not get your long rest yet you were laying down and now fucking Mismuffin jumps through the door.
Hey, pause.
So with all that going on I killed that tiefling so I got Hazel back from her in that moment. So I've got my cat with me again.
How many potions you got over there?
Three for me.
Yeah you got need for two?
What the fuck?
Well they are not very strong so I wouldn't be too worried.
Is it just like lowly little...
Let's wait until we really need them because I gotta drink one of mine very soon too.
I think they are not cheap.
I only have 55 gold anyways.
Well the hard part is we bought all of them in this town.
There is nowhere else to really get them.
Always in check to see if they have got more but yeah you bought a lot.
That was some quick ass thinking and good rolls otherwise I would be dead.
Yeah some shit for sure.
I knew something bad was going to happen but I just wanted Hazel to be okay so I went with it.
Alright so everybody roll initiative now. Well not you Kelly you are already in initiative. They'll agree.
Oh yeah 21.
Nat.
Nat?
19.
Is your best 21?
Yeah.
Who has more initiative?
I had 19 plus 2 he had 20 plus 1 so he got first.
You got first if you had plus 2.
Yeah you got higher initiative.
Oh I thought it was a higher base roll.
I don't care either way.
He rolled a crit.
Oh you rolled a crit?
He got plus 1 I got 19 plus 2 so yeah he should be okay.
Nothing much your initiative?
Oh you already had yours.
I forgot.
You were like 18 or something crazy.
18 plus what?
13.
Okay then Duke or Flea Stick.
He will be up first.
Alright how's everybody laid out?
So as you come out of the building you see a row of like 4 kind of scattered out there in front of you.
They're about 20 feet from you guys.
They're like running up on the building but still kind of farther back from the building.
They haven't quite made it to yet.
They were chasing this muffin through the streets as she was like screaming and running.
So it's just them grouped up?
Yeah kind of not so like group grouped but like yeah they're kind of scattered a bit.
About 10 feet, 15 feet from each other spaced apart.
Just give me a deck set.
I'll go with Sacred Plane.
Okay.
15.
You got it.
Alright.
Next up would be Dookie.
Do I have any bonus?
It's the healing word and stuff.
Still got spell slots or not?
So.
Bad heart is our incredible harass.
I don't know what you're saying.
I just marked my house.
So they're kind of in single file line till they're running up out of there.
They're like spaced out straight down about 15 feet gap between each other.
Okay.
They went for the first one?
Yeah.
Can I reach the second one?
I'd say there's like a top north one, then there's one in the middle, two in the middle,
and then one down south.
Can I reach any of them other than the P one?
Yes.
Alright I'll go for the nearest one.
Okay.
P one after and I will attempt to grapple him.
Grapple?
Okay.
Strength contested?
Yes.
Luckily these guys are not strong.
I didn't roll great so 12.
14.
Plus nothing.
Yeah mine was 7 plus 5 so that limited roll.
Alright.
Waste of an action.
Okay.
Next up is Miss Muffin.
Your turn.
It's all of these acolytes.
I'm going to dash over and dagger one.
Whichever one is the closest one to me.
Okay is it the one Duke's fighting or a different one?
It's the one Duke's fighting closest to you.
It's closest to you.
Then yeah that one.
I'll go over and dagger him.
Okay.
14 plus 7.
Definitely.
2 plus 5.
5 damage?
No 5, 6, 7 damage.
6 damage?
5, 7 damage.
7 damage?
5 plus 2.
7 damage.
Okay.
I'll just give him the whole number.
Okay.
Wowza.
Yummy hits.
Uh.
Archie it's your turn.
One for an 8.
Are they close to me in a game?
Uh they're all 4 close enough for you to hit.
Uh Duke and Miss Muffin are on 1.
Yeah fuck it.
I'll run up to one of the other ones and I'll smacking them with a cane.
Alright.
Smacking with a cane.
Crit fail.
So you run and trip and slide right past them?
Yeah so you take off running to go whack this dude but you know your kneecaps are given.
Your knees are hurting.
Your vision's blurry.
You've been hurt real bad.
And you get clotheslined by a tree branch that you did not see coming off the tree.
And take 2 damage.
Of course.
Um.
I'm sick of this shit.
This is bullshit.
My knees giving out.
I'm gonna go home.
I'm gonna go back to the gym.
Okay so then next is them.
Oh it's Lilith actually.
Lilith.
Let's see what Lilith can do.
Does this horse get to attack at all?
Um.
I don't know what it's gonna be but I'm gonna say he's gonna be a fighter more of a riding
horse is what he's labeled as.
Bones.
The quarter horse.
Okay so.
Uh.
You see Lilith kind of run up and just push her hands out and she starts like waving around
and like riding runes in the air and she casts Spirit Guardians.
Uh.
Cause you guys have never seen Lilith in action.
Yeah.
I'm glad.
Doing scouting work.
So this calls forth like a bunch of spirits to protect her and you see like little screaming
like emo dark ghosts like floating around her and this is a 15 feet like out uh spectral
form appears and yeah so they appear to look like that when I just described.
Um.
Let me see.
And he does need a number of creatures you can see to be unaffected by it and affected
creature's speed is halved in the area and when the creature enters the area for the
first time they must take a wisdom saving throw and a failed save take 3d8 radiant damage
or 3d8 necrotic damage if you are evil.
So they will take necrotic.
Oh wait no they will take.
Yes they will cause she does.
Hit us as well?
No it's a protector like it protects allies inside of it.
So she's got uh so she does that.
She casts this uh you know big thing around her of dark magic and shit.
Bubble of flying spectral.
Ghost busters.
Yes ghost busters type shit.
And uh she just takes off running forward.
Her full move speed and runs into me gets grouped.
Gets two of them grouped together and is going to do her turn.
Her damage cause.
Literally you just run at them and do 3d8.
So on their turn they will take this damage.
That was her turn.
Lilith is done so now it is their turn.
So these two are going to take a wisdom saving throw.
That is a 16 plus 2 so that one will save.
17 plus 2 so that one will save.
But I think they take half.
Ok so Lilith takes half damage so 3d8.
9, 6, 3, 4.
So 13 halved what?
Round down.
6, 7, 6.
Round down.
Does that to both of them so that's pretty good damage.
Alright so that was Lilith's turn with the spirit guardians.
Up next is flea stick sock jelly.
Top of the initiative.
Back to the.
Is she right above them?
Uh yes she ran up to the far top two.
The one's more northern.
She's like right in front of one and the other one is kind of spaced but still in like 15
foot range.
Alright I'm going to run up and hit the one that is closest to me.
Alright that would probably be the one with Lilith.
The dragon slayer.
Well I'll go the one away from Lilith.
Yeah you can make it there too.
Ok.
It's not that far.
I'm going to hit him with the dragon slayer sword.
Ok.
Plus one.
18 plus 3.
Money.
Big hit.
One handed it.
That's just an easy cheese cut.
What's the one handed damage on the long sword?
1d8.
1d8 plus 2.
Looks pretty good.
I want to see.
Alright.
So 5 damage.
2 plus 3.
And then I'm going to shove them.
Try to knock them prone with my shield.
Half of the turn you can use a bonus action to try to shove a creature within 5 feet of
the shield.
Huh.
That's badass.
I forgot you got that.
That shield master thing.
How much damage do you do?
5 to him?
3 plus 2?
Or 2 plus 3 or something?
Yes.
Ok.
Do I roll for that?
Yeah it would be a strength thing.
Strength athletics contested.
So we both will roll strength and that's how you shove.
You'll be able to push.
Ok.
So you're going to outdo me.
Yeah basically.
Ok.
Try to roll a 12 plus zero.
You just got to roll higher than a 12.
Alright.
Try to get higher than a 12 I mean.
8 plus 2.
Nope.
It does not.
But it was worth a try.
It was worth it.
I wanted to use it.
Yeah.
I didn't realize you had that still.
Ok next up is Duke.
I think you still got one on you.
Yeah I tried to grab one.
With Mismuthin also attacking him.
I'm going to try and crack him with the Emuferi.
Crack with the Emuferi.
14.
Is that hit?
14?
I think that will hit.
Yes.
Oh yeah definitely.
100%.
Super hit.
Alright.
So 2 plus 5.
7.
And I didn't specify setting it on fire so.
Oh yeah he's dead.
He's very dead.
You like beat his brains right in with the Emerald Fury.
Next up is Saa.
Mismuthin.
Yeah.
And I now need to run over and help someone else.
Because Duke Crystal killed him.
Ok.
You got one that's like 10 feet from you and then there's one fighting Lilith and one fighting
Fleakstick.
Lilith is probably good.
She's pretty powerful.
So the one 10 feet from me.
Yeah in the beginning of their next turns they're going to take damage so.
Yeah.
From the one that's like 10 feet from me I'll dash up to that one.
And dagger it.
Oh 5 plus 7.
Yeah.
Ok good.
And 9 damage.
9 damage.
That's another one.
Bites the dust.
Yeah I jab it into its wreckage.
Waxed.
Right up it.
Alright next up is Archie Ortiz.
She just killed the one standing in front of you.
So I guess we'll go with the one by Fleakstick.
Down the line.
And hit it with a cane.
13.
Oh yeah.
These are weak little guys.
I was saying we're used to like being told no.
They're just wearing robes chasing, thought who they were chasing.
One lady down the street.
Yeah.
You're all still covered in blood and just like being hurt.
And you're just like.
9 damage.
We killed the one.
Not sure we can handle that one.
Another one.
Bites the dust.
Luckily they've all been hurt pretty good from Lilith.
Now it is Lilith's turn which she's going to.
I think she has to maintain that.
Or no that lasted for.
It was not concentration.
You can't cast another spell while you're doing concentration.
I wish I could punch someone in the face.
Okay she has a club.
She's also going to use that club.
Go Lilith.
17 plus 2.
Lilith is murderous son.
She saved us.
Max damage roll.
4 on a B4.
He's amazing.
He had 4 health left.
Wow.
So.
Cracky.
Lilith comes down and cracks him right in the forehead.
And grabs him by his shirt.
And she's like what are you guys doing?
What's the point of this?
And then realizes that she just basically sent his nose into his brain.
Yeah.
He ain't answered.
Yes.
He falls back and slumps.
And you all.
Tired.
Exhausted.
What do you do?
I tell Lilith.
Can I go to sleep now?
I'm going back to my bed.
I'm getting out of bed.
I don't want to talk about it.
So you guys just.
Blurtily beat these people down on the street.
And then you're like good night.
It's time to walk away.
I'm not going to bed yet.
I still want to help Hazel.
So.
First I'm like Lilith I'm sorry I was so paranoid and doubted you.
Thank you for helping us.
If we're going to take a long rest I will heal your cat right now.
Deal.
Spell slots cleared right after.
Deal.
Lilith says yeah it would probably be best if you have your cleric healed because none
of us are really healers.
We don't do a lot of healing.
We can make you know medicine maybe.
But I don't know how to help acid burns.
OK.
So.
Do your thing flea stick.
Save my hazelnut.
Since the rest of you went to bed quickly Miss Muffin make me a perception check.
This isn't anything that's going to kill you either.
It's just.
Yeah how do I know.
I don't find out when it kills you.
14 plus 3.
So Miss Muffin as you start to enter the inn you kind of take a glance like over your shoulder
out of just like paranoia.
Yeah.
And you see something strange.
You see Glabagool about across the street kind of in an alleyway.
He looks like he has sunglasses on like on his front face.
And you see someone walk up to him and give him almost like a handshake and then they
just kind of walk away all dazed and slumped as they move along.
He kind of slithers away back into the darkness as you go and lay down for your long rest.
As you guys are laying down and getting rested and starting to fall asleep.
Duke Crystal make me a wisdom save.
A wisdom save.
natural 20 son.
So you're laying in bed and you got your.
Well how does how does Duke sleep?
Does he sleep with like his weapon in his hand?
Does he sleep with his weapon like next to the bed?
How does how would Duke sleep?
Well it's usually on side hand on the dagger under the pillow and other hand and pants
on Gouge Pouch.
So as your hand is on your Gouge Pouch you feel like this overwhelming feeling to like
reach your hand down into your like backpack and grab the dark great sword that you're
carrying.
But then you overcome it and you kind of wiggle your hand back and put it back on your Gouge
Pouch.
And the Gouge Pouch is more priority.
Go back to sleep and having your rest.
You guys do that.
Get your long rest and go through the night.
Do I heal her cat?
Yeah you can do that.
You guys wake up.
Do I have to roll for that?
Like.
No.
Just roll the 1DA.
Or just roll the 1DA.
Roll the healing yeah.
The whatever you are you going to do a healing cure wounds?
Yeah cure wounds.
I think that's the bigger healing that's why I was saying to use that one.
So 7, 8, 9.
9 damage or 9 healing.
Yes that will heal the burns and the damage like in Hazel.
So she will gain health.
She will be fine but she is severely scarred.
Like she is like.
Please tell me she looks like.
Please tell me she looks like Dr. Evil's cat scar.
No she is worse.
She is like.
She looks like a piece of bull.
You know like Rugrats the Angelica's doll.
The like 3 hairs that's what it's like.
You just see like a hair patch out one side, a hair patch out the other side and a hair
patch out the top of her back.
But it will grow back maybe.
No.
This is acid scar tissue.
Ok well I'm still going to offer her some Tuno before bed so she can feel better.
She willingly takes the Tuno.
I'll shave my pubes and sell them to you.
I'm going to ditch her a sweat head.
Why is this still Calico?
That's pubico.
His hair is multicolored.
Ok so you guys wake up in the morning and you look at an uglier cat.
A little more stronger willed Duke and possibly curious Glabagel situation.
What do you guys do as you wake?
Go look for a cute little golf sweater for Hazel.
I'm going to go to the shop to get some potions.
So you two are all going to go to Tiefling dirt bag?
See if they got any more potions in stock.
After I brush my teeth and put on a new pair of underwear.
I'm going to go talk to all Glabagel.
You're going to look for Glabagel?
Also when I get there I wonder if he has any hair dye.
Duke give me a perception check.
If you have a stat that you think would be good for hunting down Glabagel.
I don't know what stat you would use for Duke to find somebody like that.
If you got something. Perception.
Stealth?
Yeah, you would want to look where he would be sneaking and hiding.
I got a plus four to stealth.
A 19 plus four.
So you go to where Miss Muffin saw Glabagel doing his little trade.
And you just see streaks of green on the ground.
And it kind of goes off into the bushes.
And you can hear Glabagel.
Behind the bushes and trees there's this circular cottage.
And you hear Glabagel inside.
And he goes, Glabagel has low intelligence they say.
Who calls Glabagel stupid?
Glabagel makes lots of gold off his juice.
Duke was my friend and I haven't seen them in days.
Where are my friends?
And this is what happens with no intelligence Glabagel.
But that's what you hear from inside the building.
It's funny that Duke is the one that went to go find them.
Alright, I walk in the door and say, what up my guy?
Glabagel, you see the sunglasses on his face?
They bounce in the air off of an old school Kooby Doo.
Bounces up, lands on him.
He's like, Duke, Duke you're back? Where have you guys been?
Because it's been so bad here without you. I've made so much gold.
You know we had to do some killing. Wish we could have brought you along.
But we're taking you on the next one. We need you to join up on the party.
You ready to go?
Yeah, I'll go with you guys. You really want me to go with you?
Even with my low intelligence?
Yes.
I don't think you have low intelligence. You're helpful to me.
Come on with us.
You see him put out his square, his elbow.
He's looking at you. Taste?
I like it.
You like it? Okay.
Oh my god.
And then you see like one of those camera drone shots of like rising out of the building.
Duke and Labigol sit there.
Switching from Trevor to Michael.
Doing their morning trip together.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under A-R-C-S-I-ZERO.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast slash dummies with dice and on Facebook at dummies with dice.
Most importantly, join our Patreon at patreon.com slash dummies with dice for free or for three dollars monthly to gain access to a Discord and bonus content.
Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.