Dude, chill out man!
Dude, you're getting his brains everywhere!
All of the blood!
It's in my mouth!
Please stop!
Oh my god, fuckarse is dead!
Viewer warning, use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and portrayal of drug and alcohol
use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast that follows
four not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons & Dragons, where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Hey guys, Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, he is at the age where he can no longer trust a fart.
Hey everybody, Ryan Tucker here, R2.
Here I play as Fleastick Sockjelly.
I'm the hobo trash master cleric of the group.
Of the god Rumpke.
I'm MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, I only date trashy women.
Hey Nate here, my character's Duke Crystal.
He's the 32-year-old drug addicted level 4 barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, his first psychiatrist committed suicide.
Jesus.
Hey, I'm Kelli Lee.
I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady level 4 rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin often sneaks her cat's treats for herself.
She got some treats?
How about the liver flavor?
I want to be more like the kitties
Tuna.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the dummy master.
And my fun fact is that the unicorn is the national animal of Scotland.
I don't know how they got there.
The unicorn?
Yes, the unicorn.
That's true.
That is a true story.
I'm looking forward to it.
I guess you have a fun fact.
Fun fact.
So, William Wallace should have been riding the unicorn.
So, the unicorn's real.
That's what I'm hearing.
I can hear rhinoceros.
Where we left off?
With Duke Crystal's violent outburst of murder and destruction on Orctagon's body.
He killed fuckars.
The goblins and the orcs are all screaming and running and freaking out and going crazy
because their leader just got killed.
So, there's a lot of panic happening in this area.
You guys are in the fighting pit still as everyone runs and loses their shit.
There are a few orcs that stand at the door and they're like smacking and throwing shit
at the goblins as they're running out the door.
They're like, you are supposed to stay and fight.
Just because Orctagon's dead doesn't mean that we all leave.
But they haven't fully engaged you guys yet.
They're kind of just standing at the cave mouth waiting.
So, what do you guys like to do?
Obviously finish them off.
Actually, I'm sorry.
Not what you guys like to do.
Duke, make me Constitution safe from the sword sucking your life essence.
You're going to die.
Crimp fail?
Oh my god.
Are you serious?
He's dead.
Okay, so the sword starts laughing maniacally.
It's like, oh Duke, oh Duke, oh Duke, oh Duke, that felt good.
And you feel your hands grip to it and it's almost like you feel little needles stabbing your hands
as you fall to your knees and you lose four maximum health points.
So, your maximum HP will drop four points.
And you are stuck right now in a state of your body is frozen.
It's failing.
It's not frozen.
It's failing you.
So, it's like what you try to do now from your actions until you're able to kind of
re-get yourself standing might have different outcomes from what you're trying to do.
So, know that.
Your body isn't fully...
You aren't in full control of what you're doing because you're like so fucked up right
now.
Nice.
But only four damage, right?
Yeah, four maximum HPs.
Like your maximum HP number will drop four.
Oh, okay.
Permanent number.
Yeah, yeah.
Because it's got like a permanent like leech on you right now.
Well, why wouldn't he want me stronger?
You just find someone else to do the killing after you're gone.
He drank like this in years.
Man's got a problem.
He kills me and I'll probably be thirsty.
Okay, so that happens.
Anything else any of you would like to do?
Resurrect fuckars again.
Fuckars is...
He's fried.
You can smell him from down in the pit from the lightning wire.
I want to search the main dude.
Main dude Orc yarn?
Yeah.
I'm doing a theory and investigation or perception.
When it hits a bad roll, I'm doing perception.
Six plus six or four.
Six plus four?
Ten.
Okay, so you don't really find much on him.
You find like 910 copper pieces.
That's all you're finding right now.
So yeah, anybody else wants to search him?
I'll give one more search on him.
You're going to search?
Yeah.
Let's see if I just keep butchering his corpse.
Okay, let's go.
15.
15 plus anything?
What are you basing it off of?
Perception or investigation?
17.
17?
Okay.
You're safe.
You find 541 silver pieces, 66 gold pieces, and you find nine like little jewelry gem
type stuff.
It'll be 50 gold pieces each of the nine gems.
And you find two potions of greater healing.
Where did you find this, Duke?
In this keister?
In the gooch pouch.
How many of the healing?
Two potions of greater healing.
This is a warchief of an Orc in Goblin camp.
He was carrying some good gems and some money.
One more question.
Yes?
You said 541 silver pieces.
Yes.
What was the other currency?
66 gold pieces.
And then Flea Stick found some copper pieces.
He found 910 copper pieces.
Okay.
So he's got those.
Did he have a right hand man?
No, not that you know of.
All you saw was just the Orcs you kind of fought in the area.
Actually, you know what, roll a history check.
Roll me a history.
See if you can remember seeing anybody up there when you were being kind of like drug
through 14.
14 plus anything in history?
15 minus one.
Oh, okay.
So you do remember seeing like an Orc standing next to him, but you don't remember anything
of like, you know, resemblance or like value to him.
You don't remember anything about him.
But you do remember seeing an Orc standing to his side.
Anything else you guys want to do in this place?
Time to dip out of the fighting pit or you want to keep searching anything?
Do anything else?
You know that there's like three Orcs kind of standing up at the cave mouth like just
kind of yelling at goblins that are running and stuff.
Me and the sword probably have the same idea.
We slaughter every goblin or any living creature that's not our party in this facility.
So you guys are going to go up and kind of move towards the cave mouth where the Orcs
are standing?
Anywhere there's meat to be cut down.
Okay.
Duke, are you going up first then since you were kind of the one, one of the slaughters?
I'm sure the sword's probably leading the fight.
Okay.
So yeah, so as you climb the ladder, your sword comes up first and all they see is like
the sword in your hand and then like Duke climb up and it's like his white shirt is
now red, like his hair's red.
Roll me an intimidation just out of this.
I'm proficient.
I don't know.
Ten plus four, 14.
Okay, so they are like standing there and they're like, hey, you get to fuck, you get,
alright, you know what, fuck this and they all just take off running out because yeah,
you intimidated them with the power of that fucking sword.
Ryan, do I chase?
He's just touching food.
Do you chase?
I don't know.
That's up to you, I guess.
No, you do not chase.
I'm sure my legs are longer.
You're able to keep kind of your composure right now of what you're wanting to do, unless
you want to fucking chase them.
Do you want to chase them?
If you, if you, if you do want to chase them, that's you.
How hard are they running?
They're running.
They're running pretty good, but if you want to do this, you can, you can catch them, yes.
Damn.
You want to run?
Okay.
That sounds tiring.
Alright, the orc's kind of like running and you see like sweat and he's like, the back
one's like, I think the one's going to chase us.
I think he's coming with the sword.
He looks back and he like sees you standing in the cave mouth.
He's like, oh, he's not, we're okay.
Just keep running.
Okay, so you guys, anything you want to do here now that there are no enemies or immediate
threat that you know of?
I want to go over to the throne place where the big dude was sitting.
Okay.
And?
See if he got any loots.
Just perception then?
Yeah.
Perception or investigation, I guess.
Well, then perception.
Depending on how you're going to do it.
Poof.
Five?
No, you don't see anything.
There's a chair.
Yeah, there is a, yes, there's a throne there that somebody probably sat on.
Alright.
Moving on to the thrones or fours for some.
Okay.
Anything else you want to do over there?
There is a dead body of a fuck arse.
I know, I was going to ask maybe...
Should we bury the fuck arse?
Kiss him goodbye or what?
Maybe check him for anything, but he got fried.
Use his guts for a moat stream?
You can bury the fuck arse if you'd like to.
You do have a cleric.
I feel like we should probably bury the...
Can we bury him or will he turn to ashes when we touch him?
Will he eat his horse's hoof?
No, he's fried.
Oh, his doggy hoof, sorry.
Horse and doggy meat pride day.
He's already cooked.
I mean, yeah, he's cooked.
No.
I'm going to grab a slice.
No.
Peel a piece of tenderloin out of there.
He's going to disintegrate when you touch him.
He's ashes.
I don't like it.
Well done.
Yeah, so, yeah, so Duke, yeah, you going to take a slice of him?
You going to take a slice of fuck arse?
How's he cooked?
No.
He's cooked.
He's charred.
Well done.
Don't eat my fuck arse.
Let me get a piece of tenderloin out of there and see what it looks like.
No.
So Duke with his sword just kind of instilling slaughter into him.
Right now all that's on Duke's mind is what?
Murder and hunger?
So he takes a chunk.
Flabbergasted.
Yeah, he tastes good, honestly.
Fuckin' A.
He tastes good.
You evil bitch.
Who else can say they ate a half donkey half man that was cooked by lightning?
Does that mean you're half cannibal?
Well, he's not Hannibal technically.
He ate the donkey half.
There's literally nothing I can do to stop this.
He ate the donkey half, so I'm going to say he's not cannibal yet.
People don't have tenderloins like that.
He's not cannibal yet.
Yeah, I'm not eating his face meat.
He's not going to see my face.
You sure you don't want to try?
I can wear his face if that's what we want.
He'll remember it that way.
Now that you've done that, is there anything you want to do with Fuckars or are you just leaving him there?
After he just ate a piece of him, I say just leave him there.
Just stick him on the throne.
Hey, I'm going to carry him with me for the rest of my days.
Actually, we could put Fuckars on the throne and let him have his victory and his death.
I literally have a piece of him with me.
For at least eight hours.
You should have that one.
I'm going to have a pencil stay within me somewhere.
Yeah, that's what he wanted.
He could help his friends fuel them.
Okay, so you guys are going to head back to Darkhaven or anything else you want to do in this place.
You're going to head back to your little hometown and see if everybody's alive still from the attack.
Are there any other paths nearby other than the one there?
Is there any stuff we can check out on the way in?
Is there any curious foot trails?
Roll Perception. You can probably see lots of foot trails up there.
I'm talking beaten down.
No, there's kind of the one path.
Where you guys are is that quarry area that went down into it.
Your path led up to it from Darkhaven.
There is more to explore if you'd like to do that.
I'll do a Perception roll and see if I see anything that sticks out, I guess.
14?
Not enough that you'd probably be able to track a specific one because there was a lot of people that ran out of that place.
So there's footprints everywhere.
There is a path heading back towards Darkhaven.
You can go the opposite way, but as of now it looks like there's only one beat-off trail that goes through the wood into Darkhaven.
I guess we can kind of wander around here a little bit.
You can wander or you can go back to Darkhaven and see Lilith, what she's got going for you and whatnot, or you can do as you please.
What would you guys like to do?
I want to do as I fucking please.
What do you please?
I want exploration.
Well, okay. Would you like to roll Perception on that?
What are you looking for?
We want to go on an adventure.
Go on an adventure.
Which direction?
So you got, when you come off this little area you're in, there's a trail that's going back towards Darkhaven and a trail going the opposite way.
So you can choose to go that way or you can choose to go back to Darkhaven to see anything.
Opposite way. Opposite way. Opposite way.
If you care as fuck about Darkhaven, we're over them days.
Well, we're gonna go back eventually.
I'd say you're never gonna find out what's in that dungeon.
No.
We're gonna take the loot, excuse me.
We will get them.
But we can do a little adventure first.
Kill some wanders in the woods and come back.
Okay, so as you guys start to exit out, you have a path to adventure.
Are you gonna take the path that's kind of beaten through the woods there?
Yeah.
Okay, so you start moving west out of the woods and you see a long trail.
And this is kind of like where you guys first came out.
You came out way more kind of northern up this road and crossed over into the woods
and was brought up to Darkhaven by the emo chick outside.
And then just really have kind of been in these woods this whole time roaming around.
So you come out there and you see the sea, the ocean out there, and the road and the path.
So the road goes north and it goes south.
This is like a main used road.
So like highly traveled wagons.
There's people that go on it.
It's not like a city road or nothing, but yeah, it's been traveled.
So what would you guys like to do from there?
Running to the sea.
Clean off our nasty bodies.
You can do that.
You can go clean in the water if you'd like to do that.
Crap, is this a musical?
Dupes do.
Yeah, I probably should.
He's bathed in blood.
I guess I'm gonna wash my old ass.
Not me, I'm trashy.
I gotta say, I guess I hope I can.
I put my stash bag in my mouth.
Good.
Smart choice.
Can't lose the stash in the ocean.
I could hold your stash.
No.
You're putting your gooch pouch stash in your mouth?
Yes.
Mmm, flavorful.
It's my gooch.
Extra seasoned.
My gooch in my mouth.
Marinated.
My gooch in my mouth.
You gonna put it in your mouth?
My gooch in my mouth.
No, not my gooch, no, my problem.
That's the deal.
I'm gonna hold it in your mouth.
I don't have a mouth.
Okay, I hold it in my mouth.
Okay, so you guys do that.
You clean off.
What would you like to do then after you guys get done washing your asses?
Dry them off.
It's logical to dry them.
Can I get a roller, bro?
Yeah, go ahead, roll a d20 and see how well you dry off.
I dry my ass off.
You might get chafed for the rest of the day.
18.
Bad chafing.
18, no way.
We both dry our asses the same.
You dry it off.
You both equally hit jacks and go.
You just got those.
Sturkey.
I just air dry it.
I get a couple wetter ass crack.
Yeah, you dry it off.
So it in the wind.
Gooch bag in mouth.
I feel better.
All right.
That was a good ass adventure for me.
Good adventure.
Time to go back home.
Was that the salt water or fresh water?
I don't know.
Was that the salt water or fresh water?
Salt.
Salty.
It was very salty.
Gritty.
Yeah, we're going to have a chafed ass.
Not me.
I'll be fine.
Just sweat it out.
We'll go south.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
So look at that.
So as you go south, you keep hitting this main road, main road for a long time, and
you see...
Oh, shit.
I don't have this open.
I rolled a four.
I didn't see nothing.
Una Momento, poor poor.
Bridge South is down.
I guess we're going back.
You guys are going back to town.
Good adventure.
Wait, are we...
No.
No, that was a joke.
I rolled a C. I got a 13.
So you guys want to go south a bit from where you were and coming out of the woods.
As you approach, as you approach, okay, so as you approach, you see a 30 foot high hill
that rises ahead of you and its top is like too flat to be a natural occurrence.
It's jutting from the grassy hilltop.
It's a row...
Grassy hill...
Natural occurrence jutting from the grassy hilltop is a row of 10 foot tall bone white
rocks that are arced towards the stormy sky like outstretched talons.
As you approach, a centaur comes walk...
What are the odds?
A centaur comes walking up.
He goes, ho ho ho, ho travelers, my name is Xanth.
What are you guys doing through here?
First I have to ask, is that a horse ass or a donkey ass on your back ass?
He looks back and he's severely fucking offended.
He's like, this is not a donkey ass, this is a horse ass.
This is a little horse ass.
Move aside woman.
He walks up to the rest of you and he goes, what are you all doing here?
What's your business?
Excuse me, no, I'm not done yet.
What's your name?
It can't be fucking ours.
Kelly, roll a perception check.
Didn't you tell us his name?
Oh boy, we're going to get slaughtered.
Did he tell us his name already?
She's about to get kicked in the fucking head.
Kelly, you're going to get a little bit of a hard time.
I'm going to get a little bit of a hard time.
Did he tell us his name already?
She's about to get kicked in the fucking head.
Kelly will be the first to die.
Seven plus five.
Seven plus five?
Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Perception, seven plus three.
Even worse.
That's ten.
Ten flap.
You just got kicked in the face.
So you got five damage to you.
Oh yeah.
They do call it a donkey kick for a reason.
He turned around to talk to someone else and you snuck up behind him and started giving
him attitude and you scared him.
You just got a little spooked.
Well it died.
That's what horses do.
So he goes, I am so sorry about that.
You scared me.
But honestly, what are you guys doing?
What are you guys doing here?
What's going on?
I'm here for blood donations.
He goes, okay, so you guys have, I don't know what to do about that.
He kind of like points back towards over the hilltop and says, you see that place up there?
Because there's strange witch lights that hover over that place.
It's called Dragon Barrow.
And at night these like strange witch lights, they flow around.
He goes, this hill is haunted by restless spirits of the dead.
Because Neverwinter Wood has become overrun with orcs and league with half orc spell casters
deep in the forest.
Atop a cave riddled hill is a circle of standing stones where the evil half orcs perform their
dark rites.
He kind of like, you can tell that his face is like, he's saying like, I don't want to
do this by myself, but I need to go stop these guys.
So he's just kind of standing there staring at you all as he tells you about all of these
orcs in the woods.
What do you guys say about the information he's giving you?
Slap him on the ass and say, I'll help you partner.
Are you going to slap him on the ass?
Are you really going to do that?
Roll me a Dex save.
Because you're prepared for it.
13 plus 4.
Okay, you don't get kicked, but he tries.
He's like, I'm going to slap him and he goes, okay.
And then I say, sir, sir, sorry, sorry, I just really miss fuckars and you don't know
who that is, but like, you're one of him but a horse, but still one of him.
He goes, oh, you mean like he had the donkey ass?
Is that what you mean?
He did have a donkey ass, but I loved him.
I don't care if it was a donkey butt or a horse butt, I loved it.
He goes, oh god, he goes, hot, it's on the ground.
He's a fucking donkey mixed with a breed.
It wasn't his fault.
He was resurrected.
He starts to really turn his ass towards you.
He's like, stop, I don't want to hear from you anymore.
So rude.
Here's a dude who says, I hate him.
He goes, oh, you do?
Yeah, good, good.
He puts up a fist bump and he's like, please.
I ate him.
Oh, you ate him.
Oh, me and Sam.
He's got his fist up and as your fist comes to touch his, he's like, what the hell, you
ate him?
Just a piece.
It's his fault he died too.
He's seriously taken back and he goes, honestly guys, have fun.
He just walks off.
He's like, I don't need any help.
It's a fucking shit.
I don't need any help.
We could have helped Jimson there.
I'm going to go do something completely other than this.
If I notice you at a party, I'll eat you.
Proletimidation.
Oh no.
And you're going to get kicked in the face.
We just want another fucker.
Sit.
Let's see.
13?
No.
Damn.
He was a shot.
So he goes, you're going to eat me.
He instantly pulled up his weapon.
Roll initiative.
Fuck yes, let's kill him.
No, I don't want to kill him.
I'm going to eat him.
I wanted him to be my friend.
He was already leaving.
We dicked around too much.
Dicked around too much.
All righty, well, I rolled a six.
What do I roll, Pee-Pee?
I rolled a six.
What do I roll, Perception?
Initiative.
I mean initiative.
That's what I meant.
I rolled a ten actually.
Six plus four.
Okay.
I'm rolling initiative.
Where is mine?
Eighteen.
I got an eighteen.
Give me one second.
I rolled a fourteen plus four.
Sixteen plus ten.
Nice.
I got a ten.
Nine plus one.
Oh, me too.
Well, you go first because yours was nine plus one.
Mine was six plus four.
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't remember.
Did we have a rest before we came back?
Nate, me, and Jimson.
I rolled a ten.
Me, right, right.
No, you did not.
We had to set up camp after we...
Yeah.
So, butchered this horse man.
Well, at least we'll have something to eat when we set up camp.
I know.
I'm going to eat a piece of him too.
See the difference.
I want to know the difference.
I bet the donkey wasn't as good.
Yeah, I'm not.
You're going to say them.
It's going to be tougher.
I thought you were putting us in order.
I bet the donkey was tougher.
For sure.
I would have said that he was so offended.
Like, Dad, you should have been like, yeah, look at my horse ass.
I would have shown it off.
Jerry?
Well, now you're going to die.
Nice.
Okay.
So, what's your initiative?
Start with Miss Muffin.
Mine's also an 18, but I got 14 plus four.
Okay.
So, 18.
Duke, what's yours?
18, but it was a 16 plus two, so I go first.
Okay.
Fluke's take?
Nine plus one, ten.
Okay.
Archie.
Six plus four, ten.
I go last.
Okay.
All right.
So, first up is...
Duke, correct?
Yeah, obvious.
Obvious.
Okay.
Obvious.
Yeah, so the centaur is standing at you and he's got like a big pike raised up.
What would you like to do?
You want me to attack him?
Yeah.
I'm going to try and duck under that pike and cut off his front legs with the dark wraiths
one already.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Okay.
He's suicidal.
Do your attack.
Should have even written down the initiatives.
I might miss.
13.
Yeah, see?
Oh, it hit.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's a little bit of a school band.
He's not like armor in armor.
His fucking legs are coming off.
The front ones are.
Yeah.
Oh, sharp.
Depending on the damage you do, it might.
All right, let's see here.
Four D6 plus four.
Four D6 plus six.
Full cleavage.
Two.
Full cleavage.
Three.
16 damage, not much.
He came out all right.
Yeah, he's got some bad rolls.
So what's he looking like?
He's alive.
That hurt him pretty good.
He's still good.
Missing one leg.
Now we got to do.
Missing leg?
Like the dangling leg?
My thigh backlash.
He hinds up on his back legs and his.
What did you do?
Got two legs of dinosaur nubs.
16.
She's fucking lost it.
And he's like, no.
What is it?
D12, correct?
For your damage back?
I thought you said.
It's like a horse and then dinosaur.
Okay.
It's five damage as the blood soaks from your body into the sword.
All right.
Next up is Miss Muffin.
Quick question.
Is the sword fused to my hand?
No, it's not fused to you.
But when you're holding it, you feel like the leech.
That's important.
Because if it's fused to me there, I'm going to be.
You don't feel compelled to drop it.
And you may have to roll to see if you want to drop it to use something else.
But we'll see when we get there if your decisions happen.
Miss Muffin, it is your turn.
I'm going to be like, oh my God, I can't believe that just happened.
I actually liked his ass.
So I guess I'm going to help.
Are you going to help or are you going to not attack?
I'm going to help Duke out so we don't lose our friends to this freaking jerk.
I did too for a second.
I was like, you're going to help?
No, I'm helping my friends.
So I'm going to freaking dash up to him and plus one dagger him right across the gut.
Plus one dagger him.
16.
Plus seven.
That's 1d4 plus five.
He's really strong.
Eight damage to his gut.
Eight damage to his gut?
He was horse belly.
All right.
Good hit.
He's like wailing.
He's like, why is this happening?
Because you were an asshole.
Next up is...
You all have gone before him so please stay.
And he kicked me sometimes.
I told him I'd eat him if he wanted.
I'm going to run up and crack him in his little horse head with the Eclipse.
He's got a human head.
Well he has a huge overbite.
Crack him in his little horse brain.
So Eclipse staff and I miss probably because I rolled a ten.
Wait, hold on.
What's my...
Do I get a bonus?
You should have a plus with your staff.
Oh yeah, 16.
All right, cool.
All right, so 1d6 plus three.
Six.
So nine damage.
Nine.
He dead.
He dead?
No, he's still standing.
Oh shit.
He's still standing.
He's just toothless.
So I'm going to try to break his freaking ribs.
Wait, his human ribs or his horse ribs though?
Because he's got two sets.
Damn, I have never thought of that.
Holy shit, that is true.
Does a centaur have ribs in the body part too?
They all have human ribs.
But they don't breathe from there, do they?
I would say it's probably just like more giant rib cage.
Are they human lungs or are they horse lungs?
Hang on one second.
We're going to look this up for ourselves and the listeners to know.
Probably both.
I mean, it's probably like, it's like it tapers up into the human.
Where are centaur's lungs?
The rib cage of the upper are located in their two plural cavities.
Centaur's respiratory system are similar to the gastro tracts of common trachea.
This splits the third and fourth vertebrae.
So the rib cage of the upper body hosts the respiratory and circulatory system.
This is where you'll find a centaur's impressive capacity of lungs.
Okay, so they're in the upper body part.
Okay, cool.
Well, that makes no sense.
Their lungs would not be impressive.
I don't know.
So go for the human torso.
Break one of the sets of ribs.
I'm breaking the human ribs.
They say it more important.
You're about to get fucked.
Oh no, he's not.
Plus anything?
Twelve.
Okay, that will not hit.
Oh wait, no, that will hit.
Oh, that's fucking good.
That will exactly hit.
Get it.
Oh wait, where's the ones that hit?
Shit.
I think it's that one.
Is that the...
Yeah, no.
It would be the diamond shape.
Yeah, pyramid assed ass.
The stereotypical diamond.
And then 12 is pyramid assed ass.
That's the one?
Yep.
The standard, like, when you're a kid drawing a diamond shape.
Yeah, and an eight, yeah.
Alright.
What scene is assed assed rib complete?
Wow.
One plus four is a five.
Five damage.
Big money, on the scene.
He bruised the ribs.
He bruised him slightly, no.
Okay, so it's a centaur's turn.
I'm just going to roll a d4 and see who he's going to attack.
Because you literally all swarmed him.
Why is there two?
Archie, he's going to attack you.
Of course.
Four damage is two handed.
He makes a multi-attack, one with its pike and one with its hooves, or two with its longbow.
So he's going to smack you with his pike and his hooves.
No, he's done.
His pike attack is a nine plus six.
So I get to roll a two.
Okay, so now he's going to swing with his pike, miss, come up and just try to kick you in the face with his hooves.
The higher damage is two handed.
Eleven plus six.
Eight hits me.
But wouldn't one d8 plus three be higher than one d6 plus six?
I'm scared. What happened?
Why'd you make that face?
No! Stop!
You were going to take 13.
That would be two handed.
Somebody murthy as fuck.
Alright, so with his round, he swung with his pike, missed, but then came up and kicked the living shit out of Archie and did like 13 bludgeoning damage, I believe.
Of course, go for the old man.
So that was his turn.
Up first now is Duke.
You again.
He's like, I'm going to finish this bitch.
I'm going to try and put away the dark greatsword.
So roll a constitution save.
You got good constitution, right?
Yeah.
Go for a constitution save.
13.
13?
I'll say you get it.
You kind of feel it grabbing you, like pulling off of your hand.
Hesitating.
Yes, you are able to drop it and put it away.
I'll pull out the emerald fury.
I believe it is an action to pull out a weapon.
It is.
Alright, so that's fine. You can do that. Just so you don't die trying to use your sword.
Alright, anything else? I don't know what's bonus actions, but I don't think you have much of anything for bonus.
No, I don't sound man frenzied.
Alright, so then... Muffin. Miss Muffin. Your turn.
I'm just going to have to freaking go after him with my dagger again.
Go after him with your dagger again.
Slice of ice.
13 plus 7.
Yes. Plus 7.
1d4.
Oh yeah, your dexterity went up from your level up, so you've got good hits.
7 damage.
So I'm going to run up and just jab, jab, jab him.
Okay, um, how do you kill him?
Oh, snipe. It kills him.
As I'm freaking jabbing him, I realize like, whoa, I just stabbed him right in the heart.
He just dropped.
Okay. Alright, you guys killed a centaur. Good job.
Good. Fucking...
I want to search him.
Does he have pockets?
He has a gooch pouch.
Yeah, you can search him.
Vestigation or perception, whatever you like.
18 plus 4.
Yeah, that works.
Give me one moment and I'll tell you what you find here.
Nice.
Horse nuts.
Yes.
Roasting.
You going to eat him?
Not the nuts.
Gear factor.
It is tender, willing to compare.
So, I'll cook it first.
You weren't harvesting him, so you were looting him.
Bookers was friendly.
You find 19 silver pieces and you could have his pike if you wanted.
I'll take the pike.
So, are we deciding to camp out here?
You're welcome to, if you would like to camp out here.
There is the wood kind of nearby here.
So, yeah, I figured we'd just make a little camp in the woods, but I'm going to harvest.
Oh boy, for dinner.
Everything manned down.
Okay, so.
If it ain't got horse hair on it, I don't want it.
Harvesting.
No man parts.
So, give me a nature check to see if you can harvest off a good piece of this monster.
Also, we're going to camp here and he said something about witchy stuff in the woods.
What did you get?
12.
We're on the hill that he said was haunted, right?
12?
No, you're not on the hill. You guys are like way down the bottom of the hill.
So, we're not where he wanted us to go.
No, that was way up by the rocks.
It's like a 30 foot hill up there.
We'd have to go up the path, so if we get off the road we'll probably get there.
So, we'll take a good old nap and then we'll go get spooky.
So, you gave me 12, is that what you said?
Okay, so you find four centaur hooves.
You are able to cleave off four of his hooves.
That's it?
Yes.
I'll roll some meat too.
I'll roll to help, Duke.
You can't tell me all the meat stuff.
Yeah, you get some meat too.
Hooves? Interesting.
I'll throw them in my bag.
Of course, hoof soup.
Yeah, you can make some glue.
Centaur hooves?
That would be magic spell shit.
Maybe you can grind them up.
No, no, no.
I have the strength of ten horses.
One horse.
I don't know what centaur hooves would do.
No, I'd have to ask one specialist.
One horse power, one man power.
So, this creature produces 27 pieces of meat, weighing a total of 108 pounds.
So, if you want to carry all of that, I don't know what your weight is, but you...
We're making a flyer, he's going to take the meat.
I'd say a couple pounds a person.
Not as much as it takes maximum.
Enough to cook a meal for everybody.
I'll take some for Hazel, but I ain't eating it.
You've got a couple pieces of meat.
I ain't eating it.
You're not eating it.
Just a regular pike.
Oh, wait.
Yeah, just a regular pike.
You sure you weren't a vicious pike?
No, it was just a regular pike, built by some centaur man who wanted to go kill some orcs, but you guys did not help him.
Well, he was rude, and he hit me.
And he gave you some information about that haunted place, trying to not meet you, goes there, but...
And then he tried to walk away from us in a shitty way.
But you want to go rest, you say, into the woods?
Yes.
Into the wood?
Are you going to long or short rest?
Long.
Long rest.
Into the thick of it.
Get all of our shit back, yeah.
Oh!
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, get all your guys' stuff back.
The thing of the long rest.
Let me roll, because you guys are in the wilderness.
Yes.
Nothing happens as you guys rest away.
That's why you get off the rune.
Yes.
So, long rest.
Until we get full health.
Full health, spellsloth back.
We need that, we're going to be fighting some dark magic orcs, half orcs.
Kill my brother.
Well, that depends, that's not where he was pointing to.
Where he was pointing was saying, hey, this place is fucking haunted, don't go up there.
And was also explaining, hey, there's also these fucking orcs over here that are causing some crazy shit over here if you want to help me.
You guys kill these asses.
Tell me we can't kill the orcs.
You can go hunt them down, you just don't really know exactly where they're at.
He said they're in the Neverwinter Wood.
So, you guys are in the area, you killed the ones at the camp.
Who's torture wonderful, you know.
Or that are in an area.
Let's find a half oracle torture.
So, as you guys awake from your long rest, what is it you decide that you want to do?
Are you going to advance towards the 30 foot high hill side up to the spiky rocks across the top or back to Darkhaven or continue on somewhere else?
I guess we'll go up the hill.
Up the hill.
Exactly Jill.
After.
Okay, so as you get up top, you see that these rocks coming out that look like giant spikes or talons, almost like a spine, like waving down the hillside.
Someone give me a perception check for whoever would be looking out here.
The most highest perception.
I got plus one.
I have a plus two.
That's pretty good actually.
Did you say plus four?
Do you have good perception?
I just full had.
Alright, please give me a rule.
15 plus four, 19.
19? Oh, okay.
My perception is plus three.
So as you're walking across the hilltop, you kind of like notice one of the rocks coming out is like off centered from the others that it seems that it could be moved.
Like it's not locked into the ground.
It's like big but like cut in the top.
Like a doorway.
Almost.
But it is very, very big and very heavy.
So what would you like to do?
Let's push it.
You're going to push it with your hands? You're all going to just push on it?
Who's going to do the strength athletics?
Because I'll give you an advantage for like the team helping.
Okay.
Duke's probably got the best strength.
Yeah.
I'd roll for strength.
Advantage because they're all helping.
I'm going to give them up.
Athletics plus four.
I didn't realize.
I don't even have strength on my skills.
I have minus one strength.
18?
Yes.
You push hard.
You push really hard but you don't.
It starts to do the Thor picking or Captain America picking up Mjolnir.
You're like eeeh and then it kind of drops back down.
You can tell that if you maybe just pushed one bit higher you would be able to push it.
So I'll give you another roll if you would like but not advantage because you guys are
tired to try and push this over.
Otherwise you'll have to find another way to move this rock.
Can I try?
You are not strong.
No.
Duke is the best chance to do it.
You can roll again if you like but you don't have advantage.
You think both roll though?
Will it add us together if we're rushing at the same time?
No.
It's more the way the mechanics work is like help.
So he's going to push but you guys are helping him so he gets to do it with advantage but
we're going to go no advantage because the first one failed and you guys are tired from
pushing once.
I'll try one more time.
That won't do it.
15.
Okay.
Yeah.
It won't do it.
Any other ideas that you'd like to try with this thing?
You can get creative.
Let's use what you got from the syntax.
Yeah.
Let's use my pike to lever it up.
Yeah.
Lever it up.
Okay.
So yeah.
Give me strength with advantage.
Go ahead.
Is that wisdom?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Strength advantage.
Strength roll.
Athletics.
You can do that.
I'll do athletics.
Athletics?
That's you like trying to like lift something up.
Yeah.
Alright.
That'd be a 19 plus.
There you go.
So as you guys are all leveraging and like shoving down on the pike, the pike bends like
hard but then the rock kind of starts to leverage and flip off and you see an opening that leads
down into some tunnels.
Whee.
And the rock goes down the hill and destroys the woods.
Yes.
And the rock goes down the hill and you just hear like some screams.
Crashes the entire corpse.
Yeah.
You hear some screams from like animals in the woods.
As that falls over you see the opening beneath the rock and it's got like a two foot wide
spiral staircase with flagstone steps that descend down.
Would you like to get on down?
Run down them.
You're going to run down them?
Whish.
Okay.
Give me a dexterity save.
Twelve plus four.
Look at my map.
You drew a fucking shit.
I'm the map.
You fold your.
So as you, now you make it.
You start running down.
You get to like almost the bottom of the steps and you see three like little light beings
come out of the wall and they're like making like little hee hee hee hee.
Like flying away and then they take off down the paths around you.
There's a like a circular room around the staircase exit and each one goes different
paths.
It's north, south, west, and east.
I'm just like oh my fucking god guys get down here faster.
There's things down here we have to chase.
Can I just come running down?
Follow the ghosts?
Fast walking.
You lazy, lazy.
Okay good.
Why is she running down those stairs?
You're able to go down the stairs easily.
Okay so what do you guys want to do from here?
So as you step out of the staircase to like directly east there is two doorways that kind
of converge to the same point a path going that way.
There's a south path going downward and then there is a path to the west that is kind of
the same as the other sides with two doorways that converge on the same point and a path
that goes north.
You're in like a circular room where the stairs came out down the middle of the room and then
you guys are in like an outer circle of that.
Nice.
So what would you like to explore?
You saw the I'll say the wisps, the creatures that flew.
One went north, one went east and one went west.
So they're anywhere.
You want to go north?
Are you guys splitting?
No I want to stick together.
Yeah I want to stay.
I don't know what do you guys think?
Stick together or we're going to die.
You can always move towards other person.
You won't be in an issue technically until you arrive.
You can split if you want.
You want to split part of the way.
I want to split.
You want to split part of the way.
I want to split.
You want to split part of the way.
I want to split.
You want to split part of the way.
I want to split.
You want to split part of the way.
I want to.
I literally don't want to.
I don't want to.
Okay.
Alright.
Do you two go north either way?
So Duke you see this preacher like floating there like into the hallway and it's like
ooo ooo ooo ooo.
Like you just hear like these little sounds like coming from it like it's like kind of
like trying to like.
Cute sea fancy.
Yeah being cute.
What do you do?
Do you advance?
Well of course.
You can be like ooo ooo ooo to you.
What are you doing?
Do I sense any traps?
Uh make a perception check.
Eight.
No.
You think it looks fine.
Like you think the hallway looks fine.
That the thing is looks like it's trying to lure you back down this path.
But it's.
I follow.
You follow?
Okay.
Um.
I see what you have to do.
I'm going to follow too.
You're going to follow too?
Yeah.
Okay make me deck saves with you.
Swings.
Oh no.
Three plus four.
That was a perfect roll.
Okay.
I got seven.
Thirteen.
Thirteen?
Yeah.
Okay so uh as you guys are walking like you're running up and you know you're kind of like
taking it cautious walking and looking for stuff and Miss Muffin comes like running up
behind you and like kind of trips and pushes you in the ass and you like trip forward and
stumble just a bit but then Miss Muffin's like oh you're okay and then steps over where
you stumbled and falls through some wooden boards and starts to fall down a little concealed
pit.
Well shit.
But you make it through dude.
Thanks for the push.
Yeah you're welcome.
I mean.
Hurry up.
I'm doing a lot of math here hang on.
You shut your fucking mouth.
Fall damage can hurt.
I land on my feet.
I'm a cat woman.
Three, five, and four.
That's twelve damage.
As you fall and you uh.
That's some bummer.
Dramaties of merciless things.
You fall and you kind of it's not a super deep pit but it's only ten feet deep but.
It was unexpected.
You fall and you kind of like hit your arm and shoulders off the wall as you fall a bit
and then you land on uh two swords that were sticking up and they gave you.
Damn.
Pierced me with.
Fushy bob.
It was a fucking bungee pants we fell in.
Pierced me on my hips.
So you got uh you had if you went specific you had three bludgeoning and five and four
piercing damage.
Did they put poop on the swords like bungee sticks?
No.
No there was not poop.
No.
They swore for it.
That's what I was seeing.
There was poop on them swords.
Um so yeah Kelly or Miss Muffin you did that but you are easily able to climb out it's
not a super deep pit um.
Yeah I'm gonna climb the fuck out obviously.
Okay.
Alright.
Oopsy.
Alright anything else are you guys gonna continue on?
I'm guessing the rest of you are following behind them and just gonna kind of hop over
the trap.
Mmhmm.
Concealed pit.
Okay.
Oh you went this way.
I picked the fun paths.
Okay.
Actually yeah okay so um as you guys approach through this room uh you see a path split
two ways converge to the same room but on both sides there's a sarcophagi like there's
one sarcophagi on each side like of the side and then um as you walk past the sarcophagi
kind of looking over the room you notice that there are the bones of a dragon that lay inside
the wall ahead of you like like a huge bone dragon inside the wall and it's head is uh
like half out of the wall with a um a long sword resting inside of it's skull like stuck
in the top of the skull.
I want it.
Um so what do you like to do here?
Can I yank it out?
Um.
Or at least tempt to.
Actually can I check the sarcophagi first?
I'll cover it in case we get ambushed.
Okay so you're gonna go try and pull it out?
Can I check the sarcophagi first?
Oh yeah.
Okay go ahead.
Investigation.
Alright.
Um do I have to wait hold on.
Do I have to do investigation?
Um yeah just to search the inside of you.
Well yeah cause this is more of like opening and like looking.
Eleven.
Perception is more of just like eleven.
Yep.
Okay so yeah um.
You find.
You find what looks like to be a dead bard and it's inscribed uh my faithful squire and
uh it's like you can tell that this guy was a squire of somebody important.
And uh you find the loot of illusions which is his loot.
Loot of illusions?
Yes.
Um.
Should I check the other one or somebody else want to check?
Oh then what?
Sarcophagi?
Oh yeah.
Sure I'll check hold on.
Okay.
Uh give me investigation.
Not great.
Nine.
Nine?
Yep.
Somebody else might want to search it.
I'll search it.
Um uh what'd you say you got?
Nine?
Oh yeah.
This is why I got a nineteen.
I would have got that shit.
Yeah if you would have got a better roll you would have gotten something better.
Fuck.
Someone else might have got a better roll on it too.
Uh yeah you actually only find like a hundred gold pieces inside this sarcophagi but as you
walk up you notice that this says uh it's got like uh the name on it says you find rusty
armor inside as well and it contains the moldy bones of Tanamir Alagondar.
Mold.
And then her faithful squire on the other side so now you know her the name of the important
person.
Why did your bones mold?
You don't know anything about this person but that's what the tomb says.
Sarcophagi.
I'll take a phalange bone.
Take a phalange bone?
He can have a phalange bone that's fine I guess.
Just in case and uh yeah.
Okay anything else?
Nah.
Are you going for the sword?
Someone else is going to search the sarcophagus that he said might possibly have some really
nasty shit.
I'll search it.
Go for it.
He was going to be upset that I would have it.
Yeah but you can get a better search.
We want to search you can.
He leaked confidential information.
We must utilize.
16.
Um.
Maybe.
Yes.
You will get it.
Yes.
You find a necklace and uh.
You find a necklace and it's like got this like gold chain around it and it has like
gold chains hanging around the bottom edge of it and there seems to be a little orange
like reddish almost looks like fire inside of them hanging from the necklace.
So yeah you will have to study this thing to figure out what it is.
Before I tell you what it does.
Constant butters.
It's called the neck.
No.
We'll give it a name.
It's called Viagra.
We'll give it a name here in a little while.
Just put a necklace orange or orange balls.
You can check the one I checked.
It's unchecked a second time.
Well you already found some stuff.
I'd say we're done checking.
Okay.
It didn't have as important things.
You found the one thing it had really.
Um okay so who's going for the sword here?
Not me.
Who can and usually.
I'll go for it.
I'll just stick one and hit the lungs.
Okay.
That'll work.
I'll just stick it once a lung so I guess I can give it to anybody.
You're going to go pull it out?
Yeah I'm going to try.
Give me a strength check.
Strength.
17.
15 plus 2.
Oh yeah.
So you like pull it and you start to feel it break off some pieces of the bone that
it's stuck through and you snap it out of its head and you kind of come to the ground
with it and you're holding it in your hands and this sword.
Oh the sword it says across the Lady Alan Gondar's Dragon Slayer as like someone had
like runic runen into it.
So yeah you got that.
But I just got to pull this bad bitch up.
Cursed.
You kidding?
What?
You lose a limb every time you use it.
You're horrible.
You're now haunted by horrible dreams and murderous nightmares of dragons and fire and
skulls.
Well fun fact I'm turned on by dragons.
So it is a boner sword.
It is a boner sword.
Okay so as you pull the sword out and you look at the sword you feel like wind blow
across the back of your neck.
Make me a dexterity save.
It whispers to your kid.
It is cursed.
Cursed whispers.
Someone's whispering.
The whole dragon is trapped inside.
Oh wait dexterity just rolled.
17.
Okay so.
Plus two induction.
Oh yeah well 18.
So you'll take one damage as this.
It looks like this wind just manifests and it comes behind you and just like slings wind
at the back of your head and it feels like you just got punched by a brick and it does
one damage to you.
As this invisible stalker appears to destroy anyone who's taking the lady's dragon slaying
sword.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
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Most importantly join our Patreon at patreon.com slash dummies with dice for free or for $3
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