Welcome to Dummies with Dice. This is our master. This is a player friendly podcast.
With cussing and stuff. So be warned. Triggered! Triggered! Viewer warning. Use of violence
for failing rude humor and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use. Welcome to Dummies with
Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four not so average dummies of
our world that get caught up in a magical storm that are transported to the world of
Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back home.
Hi, I'm Kelly Lee. I play Miss Muffin. She's a crazy cat lady rogue. Fun fact, Miss Muffin
seems to like going against her better judgment. In this new world she learns she's not ashamed
of her stealing. Hey, Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal. He's a 32 year old drug addicted
level 3 barbarian of the group. Fun fact about Duke, his favorite color is magenta.
Magenta. Hey everybody, R2 here. Ryan Tucker here. I play as Police Six Sock Jelly. I'm
the hobo trash master cleric of the god Rumpke. I am a MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, I was a dumpster baby. Suck on it. Suck on it, Jizz? Suck on it.
Hey guys, Ryan R1. I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner. He's also the
monk of the group. Fun fact about Archie, he won five light heavyweight titles in his
early 20s. He's a bad motherfucker. He's a bad zombie. My name is Tristan Hayes and I
am the dummy master and my fun fact is toilet paper is thought to have first been produced
in the late 800s AD in China. So before that they were just going to use their hands. No,
they used freaking leaves. Leaves. Go on. I think the Romans used a sponge or a stick.
Don't lie to us. It was a public sponge though. No. Shared butt sponge. Yeah. Honestly, it
just sounds like a good time. You could find a natural bidet. Is that where dingleberries
came from? You kind of just rolled it into a ball and your butt cracked. Don't. Too far.
Too far. Imagine the bucket. Imagine the bucket. They dipped it in again. Oh my god. Hopefully
they fetch fresh bucket water. It's a little brown sponge. Over height. So, where we left
off last episode, you guys were thrown into a fighting pit full of blood and death. Orcs
have jumped in. There's an anti-magic ring around it. Let me look at your guys' initiatives
of what we had because that's what we're going to leave off. Oh yeah, flee stick. You had
tried to call your spiritual hammer and realized that magic could not be used in this ring.
So, you still have your action because that was a bonus action and it is your turn to
continue the combat. We got one guy left, right? Yes. Or standing face to face with
you. Come on. I'm going to clipstab him. Flap his dukes. You ready? Flap his dukes. Oh yeah,
but first I'm going to do my potion. That's a bonus action. Okay, so I'll wait in my
turn. What is 8 and 6? Oh, never mind. That's a 2. Sorry. That's an 8. Yeah, no. Will not
hit. You said 8 and 7? Yeah. I swing and I swish around like a helicopter realizing I
make no contact. He's like, you're nervous for not having any health. Where's my spirit?
Oh, now I run away from him. That would be an opportunity attack if you move away from
him while you're engaged. Don't I have a buffer against that or something? I don't know. I
don't think so. I know though. Alright, go ahead. Sorry. But speaking of being low on
health, he's going to hit you with a great axe. No. I said 16 plus 5. That's a miss.
You got lucky. 3 damage. Living on the edge. He said that's a miss with a 20. A butt cheeks.
Killer. No butt cheeks. 4 butt cheeks. So what's Fleashtick look like right now? How's he
looking? Bad. Real bad? He's hit like a fifth of his health. Bleeding out the mouth. I'm
crawling the background. Well, for fourth of his health. Orc really, really loved doing
that. And now it's Archie's turn. I'm going to go to the one that's on Fleashtick. Kick
him in the nuts for me. And I'm going to get him, get him, crack his fucking skull open.
Do it. Do it for me Archie. Backflip it into his head. Oh wow, yep. But 4 plus 5, 9. That
will not hit. You bastard. He's got a luck ring on. We're fucked bud. I'm dead. Time
to start your character. Barz action. Duke Crystal, your turn. Fuck arse. Save me. You
guys don't need to worry about a reckless attack. You got a Duke Crystal here. Help me
Dukie. I will use my Warhammer 2 handed reckless attack. Help me Duke, you're my only hope.
That's a crit. Really? Yeah. So double damage. Nice, okay I'd say he's going to help you.
You want to just call him dead? You want me to roll it out? You can roll it but we'll
see how violently you overdo him so you can describe how you kill this guy. So that one
wasn't bad. That would be 6 damage. We'll do it again. 7, so 12. So there's 18. Oh yeah,
he's super, super, super dead. And then yeah. How do you kill the last one of these orcs?
We'll call it a right in the sternum shot. Just stop the heart. They'll give him the
Thor. The Thor of the Thanos. I just pictured him kind of like ran up and just did like
the left leg outside step and then bam right in the chest. Right in the chest and just
like put him to the ground. Made his ribs, hit his spine. He's just like. I like it.
Okay, so that was the last of the orcs that jumped in after you but as you cut that one
down, the orc gone, he stands up and he goes there we go, that's the blood we like to see.
We like to see blood of all kinds. He goes let's get some more blood in there and you
see two more orcs jump in and two goblins hop in. Ooh they goblins. Yes, little minions.
We're going to roll initiative for these guys. We'll roll with the same initiative for you
guys as we already had. Plague. I'm going to have to hop out of the home. Why are you upset
there Archie? Cause I'm last. Ooh, little flag. It's a butterfly bush. Alright, so Duke
you took your action and attacked anything else you wanted to do? No. Want me to turn?
Destroy the wall with the gems? Yeah, well, would that be an action probably? It would
be to attack if you're going to do an attack action. To run over and hit them or? What
about rip it off the wall? To rip it off the wall, I would say probably an action. Cause
that would be a strength action to grab it and use an object classified as. I don't think
there's much I can do really. Okay. I think I'll just move over toward it. You're going
to move towards. The crystal, the one that. North, south. Okay, north. Okay, so there
is a goblin standing right in front of it. So you're going to move up to that goblin
right there ahead of it. He dropped down from the stadium like right there in front of it.
You see a goblin to the west about 15 feet from you dropped down and a two orcs to the
one to the southwest and one to the southeast on the other side of the ring that dropped
down. I'll get as close as I can without getting smacked in the face. Okay, then next up is
Miss Muffin. Your turn pal. Which one am I closest to? There is a goblin to the north
about 10 feet. Duke Crystal is on him. Archie is right behind Duke. Flea sticks to the right
of Duke. There is an orc south from you about 10, 15 feet. Another orc southwest. I'm going
to have faith that I can go the 10 feet to the goblin closest to me. The one that Duke
is already fighting? Yep. Okay. And I'm in my cloak and I'm invisible so I'm going to
sneak up. You were not invisible. Why? Because you used it and then attacked. You're only
invisible when you attack until you attack. Oh yeah. What? Okay. Well anyways. You can
re-initiate. I'll just use my sneak attack anyways. Well it's 10 feet. Doesn't matter.
You can't use sneak attack because you don't have advantage. Okay, back the truck up. I'm
just going to run up and jab him right in the neck. Okay. I'm going to be like, you can't
hurt my friend. I like it. Time out. 13 plus 6. Shank in the neck. Alright. Shift. Shift.
Oh what the hell? Oh it did. It did act funky. Yeah because the goblins aren't down there
or anything right now. I just guessed on the north and figured out what north was. I'm
going to get so good that I'm going to have precision nicking. I'm just going to run up
and nick and artery so they bleed out. There we go. Alright so Miss Muffin you're going
to do your daggering. You rolled what? I rolled a 13 plus 6. 13 plus 6 to hit? Yep. That will
hit. Yo. That's a fun show. Then I rolled 8 damage yo. Crazy. 8 damage? Yeah so like
when I stab him in the neck it goes straight into his spine. You did kill him so that happens.
You hit the off switch. Yeah you hit the off switch. He twisted himself. Crunched. Crunched.
Indeed. They won't let me click on him. Alright. Chewie. Pally wow. Flee stick. Your turn. Alright
who's closest? You got, oh that one's dead. So you got a goblin that's on the other side
of Archie and then you got two orcs that are down to your south southeast. One is 35 feet
and one is 27 feet. The goblin closest to me? The orcs are. Goblin is only about 20 feet.
I'll go to the closest orc. Okay you can do that. I'm going to get within 5 feet of him.
And I'm going to hit him with the eclipse staff. Hit him with the eclipse staff. And I hit
him because there's a 17 plus 6. 17 plus 6? Yep. Okay I'm going to go after the orc right?
Yes sir. Okay so this orc is going to use its reaction. And it's going to let out a
little roar and say someone help me out with this. No. What the f*** are you? F*** you.
So one of the little goblins at top he throws a rock down and hits you and prevents you
from landing your attack on him. I'm going to get the dex save against him. Yeah actually
do his dex save. Go ahead. 19. Okay so. Plus your dex. Plus yeah my dex. Yeah so you easily
jump out of the way because you did get even higher than his roll of the thing. Still interrupt
to you but no damage. Okay that works. That is fair. Alright that would mean. Now I want
to use my potion though as a bonus action. Okay yeah you can do that. Okay what's that?
2d4 plus 2. 2d4? Yes roll a d4 twice. Is that a pyramid? Triangle. Pyramid? Yes. Triangle
pyramid same thing. I don't know how to read I guess that's a 2. Same thing. Yeah. Okay
so 2 plus 2 so you got 4 health back. Nice. I'll take it. And orc d's turn. The orc of
that is up on you please Dave. The orc d. Orc d. Alright he's going to swing at you with
his greataxe. How dare he. Nobody calls him. How dare he just swing at me with that greataxe.
So 18 plus 5. Damn. That I want. Yeah. I want that I want. Fuck you. Alright 8 damage. Fuck
you. I'm dead. Are you down? I'm up close. Oh you're close? Okay so you're not down yet.
Alright. You're trying to kill me fucker. You're up on him. What am I supposed to do? Hide
in the corner? No. He's fucking yanked. Okay so it's the other orc's turn and he sees the
group over there gathered up and he's going to launch a javelin over at Archie. Fuck him.
I flee stick shot. No I'm just kidding. These guys are rolling good. 15 plus 5. You get
a deck save on that right? Because they're throwing it? No. Javelin right in the knee.
Fuck you. 7. You son of a bitch. 7 damage. He sees a quarter shit. Archie your turn.
You just got stuck in the way with a javelin. Pull the javelin out of your leg and throw
it right back at him. Why are you trying to kill us? There is a goblin yes about 10 feet
to your west. That's the closest thing to me? Yes. Alright well he's going to get it. He's
going to get it. Oh my god dude. Dig it. What is it? Freaking oh god. Oh what am I supposed
to do? 12. 12? On the goblin? Yeah. It will not hit. Yeah this is bullshit. This is such
bullshit. Oh wait we're cheating. Yeah no it won't hit. This guy's cheating. He gave
me freaking dice it don't worry. You have green ones too. They're loaded bro. Alright
so as if perfect timing goblin's turn. He's going to use his schematar to slice you. I
see. 8 plus 4 if I hit you. What's that? 12. No. No? Okay it will not hit. He's going
to use his bonus action to disengage. He's going to move down his movement speed towards
the other orb at the other end of the room. Wait so if I miss my ankle attack can I use
a bonus action to attack again? What you're unarmed? Yeah. No I think you have to hit
to be able to do it. Or a fury of loathe you have to hit first. Actually I don't know.
If a fury of loathe costs a bonus action and a key point then you should go ahead and do
it no matter what. If it's just a bonus action it's the same thing. If a fury of loathe costs
a bonus action and a key point. I'm not. Cause I'd be your special attack unarmed strike
doesn't it? Yeah I guess I could have spent a key point. And did a fury of loathe. Okay
but that goblin did move down towards the other orb so it is now back to the top of
the round do crystal. Oh wait I couldn't turn it into attack while it was running. And he
disengaged he has a bonus action he's able to use nimble escape and he's a goblin to
disengage. I'm going to break that northern crystal. Okay. Make your attack roll. 18 plus
7 since I'm using the warhammer I guess. Okay that would definitely hit the gem. Roll some
damage here. Not super high. 7? Yeah actually. So you swing your warhammer and you just shatter
that bitch right there in pieces. Fuck you. You can almost hear Yield from the gem. So
the blue crystals blocking the magic spoke? Two of them. Two of the four. We got two more.
Cause the dude javelin'd one on her earlier with the natural one. There's one on each
side of the room. I'm about to go for the one away from all the stuff. So that was your
main your action duke. You get bonus. Miss muffin. I'm going to give fleece stick suck
jelly my healing potion. She just toss it over to him I guess. I don't know how you
really do that. Catch this motherfucker you need it. I caught it. Natural 20. Really?
That's awesome. Okay yeah. I was actually going to do a dex save or something so you
can catch it cause I didn't want to do the whole attack roll to see if she can throw
it. Yeah. You had one I don't know. Good shit you got it. That's that then. That's your
turn. Miss muffin. Fleece stick your turn. Alright I am taking a healing potion. Was
it a normal one Kelly or was it a greater one? It's the one that I got when I got the
biggie and the healing potion. Regular. You didn't say greater. Just the d4. Yeah 2d4
plus 2. Damn I only rolled one last time. Oh shit. Yeah 2. It's different. 2. It says
4 plus 2 is 6. Good. Good health. Alright now I'm going to run to what crystal is away
from everybody? Alright well you got an orc still engaged with you. You ran a crystal
on orc. Saw I can't disengage. You can. I'm not going to risk the biscuit. As I say you
can use an action to disengage but then you wouldn't have an action to attack the gym.
Yeah so fuck it. So I'm just going to get and merc this dude real quick. Just hit him
with the. Eclipse stat right into the cranium. Shit. That's a 17. Plus. No with the plus.
Oh ok alright. Yeah that hits. Fo sho. Fo sho. For sure for sure. It would be 6 damage.
6 damage. Good hit. Not the greatest hit on him but it's a good hit. And now I. Never
mind. Alright. I passed the torch. Someone save me. It's an orc d's turn. Orc d. Orc
d nuts. You can orc these nuts. So he's going to. That's not the right character. She. Yeah
swing his axe. At the natural one. And I weave it. You definitely weave it. He goes to swing
the axe and I'll say he comes down and chops his own toe off. And I stand there. So he's
going to take 2 damage from chopping his own toe off. With his own axe. He's going to bleed
out. My old dog. Orc e. Orc e. He's going to make his way over to Archie. He's going
to run up on you. You're closest to him. Ok. Ok. He's going to grab his axe. That's a
freaking 19 plus 5. Oh shit. Did I make a strength saving throw? Uh no. No I got it.
Come on. Please. It is 4. No it's not. 6 damage. You don't even know what you're talking about.
Oh my god. It would be that way. Alrighty Will. It's my turn right? Your turn. Alright
well. He's getting it. Getting it. He's in your face. So get. Give him. Yeah 15 plus
5. Fuck this motherfucker. There you go. That's a hit. Alrighty. 6 plus 3. That's 9. And then
I'm going to use a ki point to hit him with. Actually no I'm just going to do unarmed strike
because it's the same damage. So I'm going to do an unarmed strike. Wait what was the
first set of damage you did? 9 damage with my cane. Ok. And then unarmed strike. I have
to roll for that again right? Uh yes. 14. Yes that will hit. 1d4. 1d4? 1d4. T is not
hit. Ok so 4 damage. 4 damage. He's beaten up and he's bleeding. His lips busted. He's
smacked around a bit. Yeah teach him to fuck with me. Yeah or he. Fuck with us. Now it
is the goblins turn. No. Goblin E. And he just watched Archie smack around his orc friend.
His big orc pal. He's going to pull his shortbow back and try to shoot you with it. No. It's
an 11 plus 4. Son of a bitch. The hit. Ouch. Dead on the money. He goes you get away from
him and does 8 damage. Well I'm dead. You are down. Dun dun dun. Exactly 8 damage.
He's not unconscious. Yeah you are knocked unconscious. I am your duke crystal. It is
your duty. I think. I'm going to kill that dude so I can get away from him. This is a
rough one. I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive. The old man might die. What's
back here? All these are orcs. You guys can openly plan. Ok I think. Make plans. Make
plans. I'm thinking. Thinking what you would like to do in this treacherous battle. I think
we should bust the crystals quickly. So we can use magic. I think we should try to get
rid of them. Portugon sees you guys taking a breather while everybody is taking their
moments. They see Archie get whacked upside the head and fall to the ground. He's like
make your plans little man. Make your plans. He goes my men are here for blood. They are
going to get blood. You are going to use your magic and you are nothing without magic. Ok
so I'm going to move over to the. You ever heard of blood magic? It's cool. I'm moving
over to the eastern crystal. Ok. I'm going to smash. Smash. So I got to roll. Hack.
Hell with it. I'll do a reckless attack. Man just say reckless. So 17 to hit. Yes. It's
not incredibly armored. I didn't think so. I'm going to move over here. I got messed
up. Oh. Pamploflossed. Oof. That is six damage. Six damage. You crack it and you smack it
good but then it kind of bounces off because you just didn't get the right angle and it
cracks like deep in it but it's still faintly glowing. Archie is 10 feet to your west along
with an orc in front of him. Duke is to your east about 15 feet at the crystal. Flee stick
is fighting an orc that is about 30 feet from down to the south and a goblin to the southwest
about 25 feet. The closest to me. Is the one that just knocked Archie unconscious. Yeah
I'm going to get that one. Ok. I'm just going to dagger him. It's the orc right? Yes. And
they're huge. No I thought the goblin was the one that shot me. Oh yeah the goblin shot
him yes but the orc is still up on him. Oh you're going for the orc. Yes. I'm going to
run up and stick my dagger right in his belly button. Right in his belly button. Right in
the dejunum. No! 4 plus 6. Nope. No no you miss. Dang. Definitely miss. Aren't you dual
wielding weapons? I have two daggers. You got one in your offhand right? I have one in
one hand and one in the other yeah. So you can do an offhand attack to do your second
attack to a dagger. Like as I'm running I can throw the other one? No. You can stab stab.
That's what I wanted to be doing. Ok then yeah you got to roll for that. You got to
roll and it doesn't roll. You got to roll for a stab and then roll for another stab.
Oh so I need to roll again. Yeah. Each is their individual. I just thought about it.
It does less damage. 15 plus 6 for my left hand stab. Yeah but you don't add your ability
modifier to the damage I think is what it is. Yeah. So it's just a normal stab. Which is
kind of still it's also. So my right hand stab misses while my left hand stab goes whoosh.
What did you get? 15 plus 6. Yes that will hit. 1d4 plus 4. So maybe you just 1d4 because
you don't get that plus 4 on the offhand. Ok so then just one damage because I accidentally
rolled a 1. Better than missing. If you only had one weapon it would have just been a miss.
Ok. Stabbed him. He got him. Left hand. Left hand stab. He cut his belly button. Unless.
Dude you have. Let me see this real quick. Well it is a plus 1 blade isn't it? I don't
know if it's. What's your wrong feel? No her normal one is just. Actually it would be my
normal one because my plus 1 is in my right hand that's for sure. Hmm. Weird. I think
you have so many attackers I think. I don't know. She's fucking psyched. She's got like
a flash. She got one in between each of her fingers. She's. Edward says her hands. Ok
so. The buff and slash. Alright so yeah you did that. The hash laying slash. Uh. Flee
stick. Yes. Is it your turn? Trash master. You got the orc still in your face. Yes. He's
hurt. Alright so I'm just going to slap him with my staff. I'm going to whip out my staff.
Slap him with your staff. Slap him on the face a couple times like a little bitch. 17.
Oh yeah. That was a hit. Alright. 8 damage. Oh good shot. 1 hit over his much HPs he
had so he is dead. Good hit. Yaw. Orc D is dead. Now I want to walk away. Orc D. You
want to walk towards the gym? I want to walk away. I was about to say you've got like 15
feet to the gym if you want to go to that. Yes I want to go to the gym. The goblin is
about 10-15 feet to your west is from there so. Alright yep. So you're aware of your surroundings.
Perfect. Um it's the other orc's turn that was fighting Archie and Miss Muffin so that
means it's Miss Muffin's turn to taste the fury of his axe. No. So Miss Muffin prepare.
10 plus 5. 14. So we'll call that a hit. 7 damage. Ouch. Ow. That's all I got. Have
it hit me? Uh yeah. Uh. Ow is all you got. Archie. Oh. Uh you need to make a death save.
So what is that roll? D20. D20 and it has to be above. I didn't mean to do that. I think
above 10. I didn't mean to do that. I know it's above the amount of last damage you took.
Or 10 if it was lower. I was trying to click on this to see and I didn't mean to and I
accidentally rolled it on my phone. Oh did it do it? What did it do? Failure or success?
Yeah it got a natural 1. Really? Yeah. So what does it say? 1 fail? Okay yeah you're
good then. That's fine. It won't do it that way. No I have 2 failures for some reason.
You can probably cancel them. Yeah you can. And just do them manually. It can actually
just roll right? Yeah. If you can hollow the dots back out or whatever. So I just rolled
a D20 then? Yeah I think it has to be above 10. So what health were you at? I was at 8
and I took 8 damage. I'm at 0. So he has to roll higher than a 10. I think it's the damage
you took if it's higher than 10 or something like that. I got 12. So that's a 1 successful.
You gotta get 3 saves. Yeah essentially. That's tough. Did you put the odds here? Um hang
on let me see here. Save through time though. It's kind of it's unusual to get 3 in a row.
Usually you get like a save, a fail, a save, a save. Do I have to get higher than 12 next
time now? No. Or just keep? 10 every time. It should still be 10 every time since you
didn't take hella damage. First one was a real asshole. He'd have them goblins start
with rocks and then your corpse and do more damage. Did you just attack him? His dead
lifeless body laying on the floor? He could if he wanted to. I mean yeah I could at least
then did I. Yeah I did. It's cold blooded way to play as a DM. You're like oh you have
24 health and you're negative 18. What were we trying to look at just now? Almost a dead.
What were you just talking about? What did you just do? I had to get 3 more savings.
Oh yeah that's the end of this. Did you roll again? I already. You got one successful. You
were to 12 already. I was just making sure. I had them all in one turn. No when your turn
rolls back around you do another one. Oh okay I was lost. Until unless one of us comes over
heals you. Gets you up. Or helps. Are you doing is that an actual D&D cleaning? Like
Ballers Gate where you just help one health. As long as I can get up I have a greater
hand. The best way to save a creature with zero hit points is to heal it. Healing is
unavailable. The creature can at least be stabilized so that it isn't killed by a failed
death saving throw. You can use your action to administer first aid to an unconscious
creature. It requires a DC 10 medicine check. Okay so that essentially just means. So you
just make it where they don't die then someone has to. They're unconscious but they're stable
so they can't have failed throws but they won't get up until you apply healing. Or I
would do spirit. I thought that was just a Ballers Gate thing because it was a video
game. When you make a death saving throw roll a one on the D20. Wait what? Oh when you roll
a one it counts as two failures. That's why it did that. If you roll a 20 on the D20
you regain one hit point. Damn that's rough. If the damage is from a critical hit point.
Roll a D20. If the roll is 10 or higher you succeed otherwise you fail. Either auto get
up or hit two fails. The third success becomes stable and the third failure you die. So yeah
you just have to roll higher than 10. And someone can administer medicine to you with
a DC 10 wisdom medicine check to stabilize you. So yeah if your wisdom is high that would
be pretty easy for you. And if you have any medicine. Okay so. Is cure wings magic? Yes.
That's what I thought. So you save then. That's why I'm trying to bust the crystals. Yeah.
The southern crystal is the last one. I'm going to bust the eastern one next turn. Yeah. Alright
it's the golem's turn. He's going to shoot a short bow at miss bow. I walked to the eastern
and I was about to bust it. Miss? I've been locked up in the fort. 15 plus 5. The eastern's
got like one health. Oh okay. Short bow golem. Yeah and then I'll move to the southern once
you get over there. Yeah hopefully I'll get it busted. Free damage. And then you can go
straight to healing and I can go straight to the 10. That would be nice. Take me out slowly.
Duke your turn. Alright. Let's see. My turn. Alright. I think I am going to move. Let's
see. You still have to smash your crystal because you cracked it but it's still glowing.
Did you say you were going to move to the eastern? Yeah I just moved over to the crystal
right? No you're at the southern one. Oh I'm at the southern one. You may as well knock
out the southern one. Yeah. You take care of that one. I had it backwards. Throws a bonus
action. Throwing a weapon is an action. Oh okay. Then I'm just going to smack that old
crystal with a war hammer again. Smack it. I'll do another reckless attack. Mushroom
stamp. Mushroom stamp it. Yes. 17 plus 7. We'll just call that good. Six damage. Oh yeah
she shattered. Okay. Crushed. Look at the crater in the wall. The glow. Oh shit. Breaks
away. Boom. It shatters and shatters the ground. I hope the freaking orcs are sweating up there.
Oh they're roaring. They're loving it. But they're also kind of scared because they don't
know who to root for. Do they realize the crystals are breaking? Yeah. They don't know
who to root for because they're liking the blood but they also don't like all of them
dizzy. Get nervous about what we're going to do when the crystals break. Miss Muffin it's
your turn. Yeah I'm going to try and stab him again. Stabbing. So I'm going to double
roll because I'm going to dagger dagger. Remember that darkness I can shoot down and hit shit
with. So not that one. No it just makes shit worse. I would say it's magic because when
you did it it was what she kind of gave you the magic to imbue your fleas. No. Good. Yeah.
Give you control over it. Alright sorry Kelly what'd you? So I rolled a 4 for the first
dagger. Okay miss. And 11 plus 5 for the second. Yes that one will hit. Okay so one more. Okay
so 1d4 plus 3. 3 plus 3. Okay he is dead. Yay. He's wiping. Murdered. Wiped his butt.
His archie lays down by your feet wounded gravely. Oh god. That sound please take next
because he's so angry. Alright please take it's your turn so. Are you going to hit that
gem or are you going. I'm going to run up to hit that gem as I slowly crest Archie's
leg. Okay. I'm just kidding. You're cresting his leg. I'm not walking back. Cross. Fuck
there's an orc and a goblin on either side of this crest. There is now just a goblin
left and he is like 10 feet to your west. Alright so I'm going to run up that crest
and hit it with my stone. That is a 16. Yeah. Alright. 4 damage. Okay you hit it and it
cracks and the faint glow slightly less but she's still glowing. Can we say that it flinched
and I had a reaction and hit it. No. Archie. I'm pretending to be dead. Your death save.
What? 9. Fail. Alright fail. One fail. One fail. Well does it take away the success or
does it. No. Okay. One failed one. Alright the goblins turn. He realizes what's happening
rapidly and turns to shoot you with the short bow. Foley stick sock jelly. And I weave it
because I seen it coming. 11 plus 5 because you just took it. Sorry 11 plus 4 sorry. No.
No? Alright. I about. I have to roll the damage anyway. Fuck you're gonna still hit us. Alright
Duke Crystal. Your turn my boy. Get that gooblin. Bit far in the run. Bit far in the run yeah
because the goblin is about 35 feet from you. Unless you want to get the crystal so I can
automatically. Bit of a waste of my turn. Cracker nut. Yeah I could do that. I have a crowbar.
I could crack it. Just pry out a wall. I would give you advantage on strength check to pry it out of the wall.
You could have done that. I do another reckless attack. On the gym. Well what about. Huh? Oh yeah on the gym.
The southern one. We should try to pry it out and keep it. Use it against them. You cannot use your magic here.
I'm not using that one. 14 plus 7. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That is 15 damage. Yeah shattered it.
And as you see it fall and crumble away. Orc 2 on jump 7. He goes what? No! No fucking way!
You can't do that. And then you feel the magic like course back into your body. That's the stuff.
Anti magic ring dissipates. So. Red deal boys and girls. What a dummy. Miss muffin.
He thought it was in. Penicillin. What healing back or should I use? Should I just do the. The one I was by I killed it.
So now what's left. Yes there's one goblin left. Okay so I'm going to. How far away is he? I'm going to do the touching thing on him first.
He is about 20 feet from you. 20 feet? Yes. Alright I'm just going to run up and I'm also going to stick him in his neck.
Okay go for it. Stick him in his neck. There's one specifically that brings him. But it only leaves him at zero health.
17 plus 6. Yeah that one definitely did. 1d4 plus 4. 3 plus 4. 7 damage. 7 damage? Wow.
How do you kill him? How do you kill this last goblin? I run out and I jab him in the neck.
Because I got luck jabbing him in the neck lately. Okay. Alright.
Miss muffin runs up and sticks the last goblin in the neck as he falls. And you guys feel the magic flow back into flea stick.
And Orchagon stands up and he goes there's no fucking way that you just did that. And he starts running down.
And he gets up against the north end of the cage and he points back towards the statue.
And you see fuckarses leg sticking out the side of the statue like his body is back there.
And he goes your friend the donkey fuck thing. He goes I had a good talk with him and we exchanged some good blood.
Not really exchanged. He didn't get any of mine. I just got a lot of his.
So I'm going to rip this fucking cage off of here and I'm going to come down there and I'm going to rip your arms off.
Every one of you. And he's going to spend this turn destroying the cage to jump down to you.
So you guys are all going to get pretty much one free turn to do something before he gets down.
So what would you guys like to do before he jumps down here?
Run straight over to fuckarses and see if he's still alive.
I'd like to make a death saving throw.
Oh never mind.
Is the goblin dead?
I'd like to make a death saving throw.
Oh well.
For what?
Cause I'm down.
Oh right.
They can do something for you. You can make a save if you want.
But then they may be able to help you out. He's got his magic.
You all are going to get basically one turn of action before he jumps down.
Got an 18 so one more.
Oh yeah. Definitely a save.
Almost a natural 20 and you just got up with 1 HP.
Or what you gained back with 1 HP.
Alright so.
I just have one saving throw left to make.
But you guys decide what you would like to do before Orctagon, the Orc Warchief jumps down.
I don't know what the options are.
He's literally up there manhandling the gate and just ripping on it and trying to rip it in half and tear it down to get down to you guys.
I'm going to frantically look around me and look for a way to escape.
If you look back towards the ladder that you were kind of going up towards the south.
You can see it opening but the gates closed and latched and there's obviously enemies outside of it.
I'm going to...can I do something else?
Yeah you can do something. That was just...
Yeah I was just frantically looking around.
Okay so I'm going to look up and be like wow how far of a distance is that for me to throw my dagger at him?
Throw your dagger at him?
Yeah.
From where you're standing, I mean you can move closer and throw it if you'd like to give me that.
If you want to try to throw your dagger at him.
It definitely could hit him.
Yeah it could. I'm going to say you have to throw at this advantage because he's up higher than you.
Instead of throwing my dagger can I pick up the javelin off the ground that they were throwing at us and throw it up at him? Javelin him?
That would be hard I think for you to do.
I believe it's strength that you could.
Can I try?
Because it's not like a light weapon.
Can I try?
I think it would cost you an action I think to pick it up and have it prepared and ready to...
You can't just pick something up and have it equipped. It takes an action to equip it.
If I can't pick it up and throw it at him I can just pick it up.
Yeah.
I have my attack that would work.
I am going to be like...
Especially since you hold metal fence.
I'm going to be like wow fuck I can't pick up this javelin and throw it so I'm going to be like dude do something.
Dude do something?
What's that?
Are you going to do something dude?
Sure.
Yeah I guess I'll use my old lightning bolt ring.
I'm going to say...
Sha Rukin.
Do I have an angle to do it up out of there?
I'd say you can but you're not going to get like advantage or any special damage from the metal.
I'll just say it kind of evens out a disadvantage of being like low to the ground.
Since he's so much higher than you guys I'll say like you're hitting the bolt, the chain which is going to give you not disadvantage.
At least I didn't know if I could see him or if I was just trying to hit the fence.
Yeah you're just going to have not disadvantage instead of normal ass roll.
Gotcha.
How far does it...what's the range on this one?
100 foot.
I'm linear.
5 foot wide.
I don't think there is no roll to hit.
It's just save.
Yeah dexterity.
I don't know what the base for that is on the save.
Here I'm looking it up real quick.
Dexterity saving throw.
Each creature in the line must make a dexterity saving throw or taking 8d6 lightning damage.
Yes.
Okay so yeah you can do that if you want.
So I guess I'll give...hmmm so it's a save so I guess I would have given him advantage to dodge it but since he's holding the fence I'll give him rid of his advantage so we'll just make it normal dex save I guess.
You're going to figure Mike hits you off the road.
Yeah.
Pull up his character sheet.
Sorry.
No.
He fails it.
No 2 plus...
Oh no a 2.
2.
Okay 8d6 again.
Oh my god.
So 3 plus 8.
Oh boy 14.
He's got a lot of health.
15.
20.
24.
24 heck.
Oh wait no he was getting 8 so that would be 2 more.
I counted to 6 so.
Oh lord 30.
34.
34 damage.
Yes.
Alright so you rack that fuck...oh wait there is a...
There's a orc, a goblin, and fuckars.
Haha cool I don't give a shit.
So that is...
Fuckars is dextrous.
He better be dextrous.
He might already be dead.
They might have tortured him to death.
Used him for donkey shows.
Okay so fuckars saves but he's dead now.
No matter what.
Because he has a lot of health and he just got hit with half of that.
What was it?
34.
Yes so.
He took two.
You see as a bolt hits it goes around him and flies him as he hangs onto a chain link
and it stops flying for a second and he leans forward and he looks up and he's like that
felt fucking good didn't it boys?
And he turns around and there's a fried skeleton of an orc and a goblin.
And then he looks back again and you just see twitching of fuckars's legs back there
and then it just goes limp.
It is a hundred feet distance attack so yes it definitely would have been a good cover
for fuckars's legs.
Very nice.
Body back there behind that thing so.
Smashed.
Be dead.
Yes there goes that.
He had a short and good resurrected life.
Yeah so you got one more thing to do.
Flee stick you can do something if you'd like to do your action.
Bonus action.
I'm going to go up and I'm going to use cure wounds on Mr. Archie over here.
Do it up.
It will be a second level spell slot.
So that will be two 1d8s plus the modifier.
2d8?
Yes plus seven.
2d8 plus seven damn.
Oh yeah your life domain.
Yep.
So what do I do since I'm.
He's in a role and it will give you health.
So I just let him heal you.
But it doesn't matter that I still have one saving throw?
No you're fine.
It will get you back to the past.
So that's 11 health so far.
Plus oh yeah.
And eight plus seven is what?
15 so 11 plus 15.
That's what 26?
26 health points.
Err 26 health points.
So you get all that back.
Well I don't even have to use my healing potion.
That's the power of the life domain in a cleric.
You get so many bonuses with it.
So yeah you gain that much health back.
Alright then.
And as my bonus action I'm going to summon my spiritual weapon.
Okay alright.
Where are you going to summon it at?
Does it have like range of where you can summon it?
It's going to be in a defensive position against me.
To block me from like.
Kind of in front of you.
And this would give disadvantage to any people throwing correct?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
I didn't get it.
I think it literally just becomes like a summon.
Like it's a creature in the battle.
It's a bonus action.
So when you attack you can use a bonus action to use it to attack as well.
Okay cool.
Okay so that's everything then.
Archie you don't really get an extra turn because you were just brought back to life.
So yeah then the orc.
Orc to gone he kind of just like rips down that cage.
And jumps down into the middle of the pit.
Which is actually right where Dukie is standing I believe.
And leaps down there and he gets a very good initiative.
So is he the last one down there in the ring with us?
Yes he's the only one down there.
Oh let's get it.
He is hurt but I will say he is tough.
And he has a lot of people around this thing to help him.
He's got special abilities.
This is indeed in all purposes a boss fight.
And I don't have any key points left besides one.
So be ready.
Alright we're going to start off with the old top of the round.
Which is actually Orc to Gone's turn because he rolled extremely good.
Okay.
So it is actually Orc to Gone's turn first.
Because he rolled really good with his initiative.
So he is going to attack with a multi attack at Duke.
And then turn around and try to spear Miss Muppet.
So great axe with Duke which is a 9.
Oh shit he gets away.
Okay 9 plus 6.
That's it.
Okay.
8 damage.
No I was trying to see the pluses.
12 damage.
That was a big hit.
Okay now he's going to turn around and try to whip out a spear and stab you Miss Muppet.
What a fucking face.
Does he?
Does a 12 plus 6 do it?
Yup.
And yes he does.
Well shit.
Stabs me where?
Right near uterus.
Right near.
He does butthole.
You do have one of those.
8 damage.
Everyone has a butthole.
8 damage damn.
Yes and he roars in absolute fury.
Does he?
Duke it's your turn.
He's on you.
Miss Muppet is on the other side of him.
Archie you are up.
How nice.
There you go.
Let it commence.
Drink potion.
Drink potion?
Yup.
Okay.
Bonus action.
I need a potion.
Is that a bonus action?
I don't know what a bonus action is.
For potions?
Yeah.
I believe it's a bonus action.
Yeah you're right.
I think it is.
3, 5, 8, 4 plus 4 so 8 plus 20 plus 16 health back.
Nice.
That is good health.
That was good amount of health back.
Yes.
Okay.
And.
Oh yeah that was your bonus action so.
Main action.
Yup.
Dark greatsword.
The dark greatsword.
Yes.
Okay.
Well would that be an action to equip it?
Because you already have.
That's true.
I did have the war hammer.
Damn it.
I mean you can do that.
You know it's going to hit hard.
Pull it out.
Alright.
As you pull it out you like grab it and it starts like thumping and thumping and thumping
in your hand.
He's like good because I can feel the anger and I can feel the blood pumping in your hands.
We're about to get some more aren't we?
It's almost like he looks around.
He goes wait.
What the fuck?
There's a lot of blood in here.
How did I get this blood?
What do you say to this as you hear this in your head?
I don't know.
Because you drink too much of my blood whenever you drink their blood.
He just gives like a very grim like hmm okay and then it gets quiet so there you go.
That's how it be though.
That's how it be.
If I would kill everybody with it I'd be fucking.
Miss Muffin.
Yeah.
Someone help me.
Your turn.
Orc you're on.
I'm gonna stab you with a spear.
Yeah and I'm.
So I'm gonna take my last potion of healing it's a greater one.
Okay.
So how do I do this?
I believe it's 4d4 plus 4 right?
So you roll 4d4's plus 4 and then take her out of your own thorty.
One.
Five.
Seven.
Eight.
Plus what?
Plus four.
Twelve.
Okay you got twelve health points back.
Is that all I can do?
Like that was my action?
That was your bonus action to use a potion.
You still got an action.
Awesome.
One sec.
Points flying in.
Twelve healed.
Okay so I'm going to now dagger dagger him.
Okay you'll do one dagger because your bonus action is already used for a potion.
What?
Okay well one dagger is fine but I rolled a natural twenty.
So I'm going to dagger him.
One damage twice.
One plus four is.
Five plus three plus four is seven so five to seven.
Seven?
Five plus seven?
Okay twelve damage to him?
Yeah.
Is that with both or?
Do you add the plus four to each one of the ones you rolled?
Or you just roll both of them and then add plus four to the end?
On healing?
No for crit natural twenty.
Double damage.
Oh okay.
So I'm going to go with that.
You add your modifier.
To both rolls.
Just not when it's off hand like if you're doing a normal off hand attack you won't land
it but.
You wouldn't get that unless it was the double damage for the.
Hell yeah!
Flee stick.
Your turn.
Alrighty.
Well I am going to do cure wounds on myself.
Very nice.
Do you need.
Cure wounds on yourself okay.
Yep.
Takes your action.
Doing a big boy heal spell.
What does that life domain mean?
Level one or two spell?
Level one.
Okay.
Yeah.
So nine whole.
Plus.
Is that with the pluses?
Yep.
Alright.
So nine whole.
Yeah.
Low roll.
And then for my bonus I'm going to use my spiritual weapon.
To whack him in the noggin?
Is there anybody within.
What weapon do you spawn?
Sixty feet of me.
What weapon did you spawn?
My lid.
Huh?
My lid.
Your hat.
My hat.
They kind of lifted up.
Started humming.
Okay.
That's fine.
Yeah so your hat.
Your trash can lid is floating.
Your trash can shield.
Doesn't that have your shield though?
It's a shield, hat, spiritual weapon.
I summoned it so it's just the essence of it.
It's not actually it itself.
It kind of just like.
Yeah.
It almost looked like the soul of it.
I was just making sure you were still wearing yours as a shield when you said hat.
But yes, yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Looks like a shield.
Alright.
So I am.
What amount of damage does it say it does?
One d8 plus four.
Okay.
And that is.
Look I'm having a brain fart.
I'm having a brain fart.
Okay.
A 15?
Is it a hit?
No it will not.
Alright.
He got the drip.
Okay.
He got the drip.
Archie, your turn.
You are alive again.
He's the only one in there with this.
You can drive him son.
Oh god.
Well the only choice I have is to.
Alive and then thrive.
Get up close to him so I can hit him.
Get it this.
Cause I don't have any.
No the only ranged attacks I have are key points and I only have one left.
Okay.
So I guess I'm going to try to get him with the.
Noise.
The cane.
We're going to see what happens.
Yeah that's not happening.
What do you got?
14.
14?
Nope.
Plus nothing.
That was plus five.
Nine plus five.
Oh.
Gotcha.
It's his turn again.
I hate that.
It's big boy stuff.
He's ruthless.
Okay so he's going to let out his big boy roar.
Girl.
And this is called.
Meow.
Danger.
This is dangerous.
He's going to do a roar and three enemies are going to throw rocks in down at you guys
surrounding him.
So Miss Muffin, Archie and Duke all make deck saves please.
I have danger since.
Okay.
So I should have advantage on deck saves I can see.
Okay.
Could I see that they were about to throw a rock?
14.
Cause there's three guys throwing rocks.
11 plus three.
That's what that.
Yeah it's fine.
We rolled the same thing.
11 plus three.
14.
Seven.
High dodge the rock.
So.
14.
Damn.
No fucking way.
11 plus three.
13 plus one.
Oh damn.
Fail.
14's a fail?
Yes.
Alright I think we're lost.
No this is fucked.
Not a whole lot of damage.
Just enough to.
This dude's a beast.
I already know he is.
No no.
Okay you guys are going to take three damage.
Fuck them up.
Well this is shitey my boy.
Shitey my boy.
Don't fight Puddle.
Duke Crystal your turn.
My turn.
Oh hitting with it.
Hitting with it.
I'm going to rage.
Okay.
Trenzied rage.
Okay.
And reckless attack.
Alright.
With the dark wraith sword.
Alright.
The advantage dark sword of the wretched.
Yes.
Crit.
Really?
Crit.
Yeah he's dead.
He's in the house.
Forty six plus six.
Twice.
Two.
Twice.
Three.
Ain't that right now.
Nine.
Twelve plus six.
Eighteen.
Eighteen for the first round of damage.
Yeah.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Yeah.
Three.
Five.
Eight.
Nine.
Twelve.
Plus six.
Eighteen again.
Okay.
He did.
Alright so you come with the sword and he's like he like sees you coming to swing it and
he like puts his arm up to like block it and like cuts through his hand.
He's like oh fuck.
And you like hit him with it again and he's like oh fuck that hurts.
It's like big cuts but he is still standing.
Okay bonus action attack.
Oh fuck you got your frenzy.
Fuck.
Yes sir.
What did you strike?
I hit a sixteen plus seven.
That hit?
Yes.
It should.
So four D six plus six.
Correct.
Six.
That's twelve.
Six.
Four.
So we're at sixteen and then three.
So nineteen plus six.
So twenty five.
Is he dead?
Okay so he had.
He said fuck.
Fuck.
He had eleven health left.
So.
He turned into a.
He cut through his hand to first swing.
Like his hand comes off and he like thinks like oh shit that did not stop it like I thought.
And you like slice him again and then like you slice him again and he like falls to the
ground and he's like very obviously dead.
But Duke just keeps on swinging and swinging and swinging until it's just like blood is
like flinging everywhere.
Like Archie and Mismuffin are both covered in blood.
Like he's just a pulp.
And all you can hear in your head is just the maniacal laughing of the swords voice
inside of it.
As you just turn this guy into a bloody mess of a beast.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Mismuffin, Nate Chambers as Duke
Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes
as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
Most importantly join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dummies with Dice for free or for $3
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Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.