Viewer warning, use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and
alcohol use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons, where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Hi, I'm Kelli Lee.
I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin suffers from severe paranoia.
Hey, Nate here.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's a 32-year-old drug addicted level 3 barbarian in the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he secretly wants to be a tyrannical dictator.
He's working his way there.
Yeah, slowly but surely.
Hey everybody, R2 here, Ryan Tucker.
Here I play as Fleastick Sockjelly.
I am the hobo trash master cleric of the group.
I am the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, my favorite stash spot is my beard.
Hey guys, it's Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, a 76-year-old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, to this day he is still trying to track down the men who killed his
wife.
Depressing.
It's going to be hard to find them in another world.
I know, right?
They might be a really sneaky murderer.
My name is Trisston Hayes and I am the dummy master.
My fun fact is that a giraffe's heart is about 2 feet long.
What?
You're welcome.
Alright, so where we left off, Duke Crystal had chopped old Goblinzilla clean in half with
his super sentient demon sword.
You are left here with the blood and the bodies of the Goblins and Orcs.
What do you want to do?
Loot?
Okay, who's looting what?
Everybody's going to get one.
One check.
What's the?
Are we doing an investigation?
Yeah, that's what we're going to have.
I have a plus two investigation.
Yeah, not me.
I have a plus one investigation.
I have a plus two.
Well, there you go.
So I close the best.
Nate, does it look like you trust me to investigate it?
I'm doing it.
Go for it.
Yes, the crazy cat.
Eleven plus two.
Alright, who are you searching Goblinzilla, you said?
We're looting them.
Yeah, big guy.
So that's all I'm actually.
Yeah, go for it.
You guys can do your roles for them.
I want to search this work.
Oh wow.
What did you get, Kelly?
That's nothing.
Eleven plus two.
Okay, so you find on Goblin Zola the same potion thing that he drank.
That made him big?
Yes, that made him all monstrous.
Oh my god.
A potion of healing, a regular one, and that is all you find on him.
So what's the potion called that makes you huge?
Do you know?
Um, no.
Well, that's not good.
I do not.
Goblin Zola is a biggie potion or something.
Biggie potion.
There's something I made up, so yeah, sure, go for it.
Big chug.
Biggie potion.
It's a pencil.
Alright, who else are you searching?
Goblins and the orc?
There's one orc.
Okay.
19.
19?
Okay.
So you find a note on him and it says, now's the time, you guys need to take our secret
weapon, Goblin Zola, to the emo camp in Darkhaven and wipe them out.
And it's signed and it says, Orc-tagon.
They said, so you guys can get the idea that these guys were sent here by a bigger force,
a bigger boss.
A bigger boss named Goblin Zola.
Nearby.
Okay, I can't believe you're saying that.
So you guys have your options to search after them.
Whatever else you want to do in the town, there's all that junk.
Anyone else you guys searching the goblins, what did you guys get?
The other searches?
Yeah, I got a 15.
Okay, so.
I found 70 gold pieces, flee stick, and you did not find anything Archie.
Sorry.
Aw, poor Archie, it don't matter.
It don't matter.
I think it's 44 plus 4, something like that.
I think it's 4d4 plus 4, something like that.
Yeah, Farkars is still here.
He's been kind of doing his own thing.
4d4 plus 4, when you drink it.
Farkars runs out.
Nishnolf.
You're going to use that?
Okay.
Farkars wants to investigate.
Farkars ain't going to do much investigating.
He says, Nishnolf.
What's the name like that?
He's got a merged mind with a donkey, so.
Plus 4.
44 plus 4.
Cooch.
30, dang.
I got 27.
Barbarian.
He gets a lot of health.
Yeah, 35 is my best, so.
How many?
70.
70?
Yep.
Anything else that you guys want to do in the town before you head out after them, or
are you guys going to go straight for it?
Try and finish this thing off?
Are we going to go into the hatch ever?
What's all over the town exactly?
Just the houses, the tavern, and.
The hatch and the church.
The church.
And the teething dirt bag, the general store.
It's just intrigues me how they all were like, we only made it so far and no one comes back
and the ones that did are fucked up.
Makes me want to be like, well, I'm doing it.
That's up to you.
But you also know that these guys are just sent to attack this place, so I mean.
It's up to you what you want to do there.
I want to do that first.
Yeah?
Yes.
Can I go after the camp then?
Look for the camp?
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the camp.
All right.
Then somebody give me a perception or a survival check.
My perception is plus three.
Plus four.
My survival is plus one.
Plus two on survival and perception.
Plus four on both.
Yeah, you do it.
You do it.
Please say it.
Twenty.
Twenty one.
Pazza.
All right.
So you're going to easily.
No, anybody.
Okay.
So you're easily able to track footprints and stuff back towards a camp here.
As you approach, it looks like a quarry.
A big quarry.
And there's a.
You can see.
Give me another perception check.
Please take you.
Now that you're here.
The first one is a five.
Seven plus one.
Or wait, no, that is a seven.
That's a six.
That's a seven.
That's a six.
That's a five.
Okay.
Okay, so you see what it looks like.
Like an outside camp here.
And it's a.
There's a couple of goblins and some orcs walking around.
Kind of just chilling.
Sitting by fires and eating and whatnot.
What do you guys want to do here?
You see like this.
There's like tents in the camp and then it kind of spirals around and goes into a lower
area.
But you can't see what's quite down inside there.
It's kind of just sitting all chilling.
Yes.
And it's like a cave or something.
Yeah.
You guys want to mark these guys?
Yeah, fucking.
Are you going to mark them?
Are you going to do anything else?
Approach with caution or are you going to just go at it?
Or are we just going to get a talk to them?
And then mark them.
Rough life.
Rough life?
What are we going to do?
Are we going to attack?
Are we going to talk?
Attack.
Okay.
Russian fucking combat then.
Who's that?
You want me to sneak up?
Yeah, I want you to sneak up.
Surprise?
Alright, there we go.
I can use my sneak attack.
So, Kelly, if you're going to do that, then give me a stealth check.
A stealth check?
To see if you can get up close enough to one of them.
Yeah, my stealth is plus five.
Oh, ten.
Ten?
Yeah.
I guess I need to do this.
You were detected, so roll initiative.
And you're closer than the rest because you were moving forward to sneak up.
So, with your stealth check.
Eighteen plus three is my initiative.
Okay.
These goblin and orc sounds surprisingly like cats.
And all of your initiatives whenever you're ready.
14.
Duke Crystal, you got 14.
That was a hard throw, this.
It came down, too.
18.
Damn.
Okay.
Miss Muthin, please stay.
I got an 18 plus three for my initiative.
Well, okay.
I don't want to do the math.
Please stay.
Initiative.
Okay.
Then that would mean first up is Miss Muthin.
Yeah.
You're up close, so good thing.
That's what I wanted was to get up close and use my plus one dagger and try and slice and dice one.
You see three goblins and two orcs.
And so, they run up.
This is the closest goblin.
Yeah, so I'm going to say there's a goblin probably about 20 feet in front of you.
And then there's going to be two more goblins behind him and then the orcs on either side of them.
Both sides.
Nine plus six to hit.
Yeah, nine plus six to hit.
And then it says one D four plus four for damage.
Okay.
You hit.
Three plus four.
Seven damage altogether.
Seven damage?
Yeah.
Seven damage slicing and dicing.
He's sticking real good and he just bleeds out.
He starts bleeding out immediately into the ground.
So, yeah, goblins down because goblins aren't very tough.
Anything else?
Two.
Okay.
Archie, your turn.
How far away are you from them?
You guys are about 40 feet from them.
Thirty feet, 35 feet from them.
Yeah.
Mine's still 30.
So, let me see here.
Walk in style with your cane and then trick them.
It's not a cane.
It's a whiplash.
Yeah.
Archie Ortiz.
So, where you guys are, let me get some distance here to figure out where the range is.
So, yeah, you can make it to an orc.
Alright.
Archie.
I'm going to make an orc then and they don't get the cane to the face.
Okay, give them the cane to the face.
To the face.
It rolled out of my hand.
That's horrible.
I did not hit it.
It's freaking 13.
13?
Yeah.
That will hit.
Oh, okay.
Yay.
Roll your damage.
Okay.
Alright.
That will be 80.
Yeah.
So, nine damage.
Nine damage.
It hits.
You're whacking right upside the head.
Yeah.
Now, I believe it is Goblin's turn.
One of the Bat Goblins.
He's going to throw a javelin at you, Miss Muffin.
No.
He's going to miss because you killed his friend.
That is a 17, 17 plus five.
He's going to hit me.
Yeah.
Right in the shoulder.
More in the face.
No.
That's seven damage.
The javelin that slides and sticks you in the shoulder.
It's going to go, my shoulder.
My shoulder.
Careful.
And now it's going to be infected.
And now it's the other one's turn with the javelin who's going to throw one at Archie.
Oh, come on now.
15 plus five.
Yeah, that will hit you.
Don't worry.
Also seven damage.
Also in your shoulder.
Your shoulder.
Your shoulder as well from the javelin.
Oh, no.
They're so good at aiming at shoulders.
Please, sir.
May I have another?
Duke Crystal.
Your turn, pal.
Javelins are flying.
I got to reach the other one from the left.
Yes.
What's your movement speed?
30.
No.
You can get very close.
He's about 38 feet from you.
A sword?
35, 30.
He has a sword.
He said 30 is your movement speed?
That's what he said.
Right.
Okay, yeah.
So he's about almost 10 feet away from you out of your movement speed once you move full
move.
Can I make it to the cards?
Yeah, you can.
You can make it to the cards up ahead.
Yeah.
I'll take care of my idea.
The javelin's still here.
All right.
Good move.
All right.
Is that it for your turn then?
Good turn.
Flea stick.
Your turn, pal.
How close am I to anybody?
You are about the same as Duke, so you're about almost 40 feet from the orc and about
50 feet from the two goblins in the back.
Kelly killed the goblin in the front.
Archie's on the orc on the side.
Mismuffin did it.
Mismuffin did it, not Kelly.
I guess I'm going to go for the orc.
Do you want?
Sacred land.
Deck save.
Yes, sir.
What's your DC?
What do I got to roll above?
14.
14?
Oh, it's up higher now because you got that thing.
I forgot.
You said that was the orc, right?
Yep.
That's not a good one.
It was off the side.
He fails with a seven.
So that'd be eight.
Yes, sir.
Seven damage.
Money.
Double one.
That's the other one.
So...
My sacred flame.
It's the orc's turn.
He's going to walk up around the cart that he saw Big Duke Crystal run and hide behind.
Oh, cool.
13 plus five?
Yep.
Okay.
That is eight damage from a greataxe.
He comes down, slices you.
He's angry.
He's pissed.
Okay, bud.
All right, the other orc's turn.
Archie, you're going to get the same treatment with a greataxe.
No, I'm not.
Ah, four plus five.
Half.
He whiffs.
Mismuffin, back to you top of the round.
Yeah, how close am I to the next goblin?
You are about, I would say, 15 feet from him.
So I can just run right over and dagger him right in the neck.
Yep.
With a plus one dagger.
So that's a 16 plus six.
That will hit.
Yeah, definitely will hit.
Stand right here.
Little goblin.
In the neck, and he takes eight damage.
He's dead.
Your attackers are fucking bloody today.
Yeah, he's catching bodies after bodies.
Archie, your turn.
Swinging back at the orc.
Okay.
Stupid orc.
17 plus five.
That will definitely hit.
Give me seven damage.
Give you seven damage.
All right.
All right, you said it.
You said give you seven damage.
All right.
How do you kill him?
How do you kill that orc?
I send my cane through his skull as I swing it down, crushing his head.
Good deal.
All right, goblin's dead from Kelly, goblin's dead from Kelly.
Third goblin's turn.
For Miss Muffin.
Sorry.
So this is going to back up its movement speed, which is 30 feet.
So he's going to move back behind this campfire behind you guys ahead, and he's going to shoot
a short bow at you, Miss Muffin.
Just killing all of his friends.
That's a natural one.
As he goes to run backwards, he trips into the campfire.
Takes some fire damage here.
He burns his booty cheeks off.
He only takes one damage, so he's all right.
Singed booty cheeks.
He singed booty cheeks.
Got some grill marks on him.
Toasted.
All right, take Crystal.
Your turn.
All right, I want to have my war hammer.
Okay.
Crack his in the neck.
The neck.
Follow his orc neck.
That's a, we're going to see if I hit first.
You're using your hammer, is that what you said?
Yeah.
Okay, I was making sure it wasn't the God Sword.
Why, are you scared?
I was just saying he's going to take some damage.
For the orc, right?
No, it will not.
Just shy.
All right.
That's that.
Please stick.
All right.
I approached a half distance last time, Craig.
I don't know if you did.
Did you do that?
My knife, I wanted to.
I wanted to, but I guess I didn't.
All right.
Who's lifting him?
The Orcon Duke and the goblin that ran about 60 feet from you now.
Very good.
I'm going to blast him.
Just give me a big, secret plan.
Secret plan.
Let me get his sheet here.
Radiant.
No, 10.
He fails.
This is the most I've ever seen a sacred flame hit before.
Eight damage.
Fuck.
He's dead.
Fuck you.
Radiated light burns him up.
Orc.
It's his turn.
I was about to ask you.
I was about to tell you guys.
It's Orc's turn.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, guys.
Do the Orc's turn.
Orc's turn.
OK.
Orc's turn.
Throws himself in fire.
Surrendered.
That's the main thing they need to know.
So that's one on you, Duke.
What are we barbecuing these guys?
Seven plus five.
No.
I don't know.
I believe he's got something fancy here.
No, he does not.
OK.
So that's his turn.
No fanciness.
Yeah.
He muffed.
Miss Muffin.
He's a traveler.
He's all that's left of it, right?
Yes.
The other goblin is dead.
How close am I in?
How close am I to him?
You're close enough.
You're about 10 feet.
All right.
Another side of the cart.
I'm going to run up to him, and I'm going to cut his kneecaps.
Cut his kneecaps.
No, I'm just going to run across the front of his knees.
The kneecaps.
That's all we have time for.
No.
You do like a cool run and slide to cut his kneecaps.
So you just completely miss and fumble.
Yeah.
It looked really good.
Yeah.
It almost looked good.
It looked amazing.
Archie, your turn.
Oh, baby.
He's getting good.
You're going to run over there and smack him?
Yeah.
Let's have some.
Sonny.
Yes, that will hit.
Nine damage.
Nine?
Nine.
Good hit.
How do you kill the last standing guy?
That's the way you finish him off.
I swing my cane around at his neck and the hook goes in his throat and rips his throat
out when I pull it out.
All right.
Good.
All right.
There you go.
There's that.
The entrance.
So good job.
They're all dead.
Nice.
We're pretty good at combat.
Yeah.
You guys are violent.
All right.
I'm going to search that one dude that I thought barbecued.
All right.
You guys can give me an investigation roll.
Investigation or perception if you want.
You want, I guess.
If you're going to sue your chairman.
Let's see.
Which one is it?
Probably perception.
All right.
Oh my God.
13.
Just 8.
Okay.
Yeah.
So you guys don't really find much on these guys.
They were just kind of hanging out out here.
Some fish.
Got some food that they were carrying.
Fish?
Do you have tuna?
I don't know.
Investigation.
It's fish.
Sure.
If you want to investigate to see if it's fish or tuna.
Go ahead.
Hmm.
I don't think your cat has a preference.
11 plus 2.
Yeah, sure.
It's tuna.
My cat loves tuna only.
Only tuna.
Well, it's starving right now.
I swipe a fish and I'm like, I feed it to Hazel immediately.
All right.
I just want very pissed on the fire.
Okay.
Why?
I'd piss.
The fire was pissing them off.
All right.
Now what do you guys want to do?
You want to head down into the little spiraling, lowering area.
Yeah.
All right.
Why?
As you enter down there, there's a campfire down there and some bedrolls and then there's
an opening in the side of the wall there.
There's a cave entrance.
They've joined to.
So you do investigate.
Yeah.
Let's check the cave.
So as you start to walk down the stair, like the rail, the circular path down the hole,
you can hear like loud roaring and chanting and like screaming coming from inside there.
So can I peek in and check it out?
60 feet in from my dark vision.
So if you want to look in without being seen by anybody trying to peek in, so give me a
stealth check to see if you can creep up to the door without being noticed.
You can do it advantage.
Stealth check advantage.
I have plus five.
What's your stealth?
Yours is going to be higher than anybody's.
If he fails, can I also try?
I'll wait.
If he fails, they're going to notice us.
Go ahead and please dig.
You just roll your stealth.
It is a 13.
13?
Okay.
So yeah, you can, well actually that's a roll with advantage.
So you can roll again too.
Do you want to see if you get any better?
I'm going to stick with the 13.
Okay.
All right.
So yeah, you kind of creep up to the edge and you look in and you can see that this
is the entrance to like bleachers and stands that go all the way around this big circular
pit and there's orcs and goblins like all over the place, like all surrounding the pits
and they're all screaming and they're like, orc dug gone, orc dug gone.
And there's a giant pit with like a cage and blood.
And when you look down inside there, you can see orcs in there just like fighting to the
death and there's like one laying on the ground, blood out, three other ones standing
there fighting.
And I'll see them like with the words basically.
Yes.
Audiator style shit.
Yes.
Who got them?
Cage fight, what are you all going to do?
I don't want to do that.
If we go down there, they're going to grab us and throw us in there and make us do it.
Yeah, we're going to be fighting forever.
Oh.
You want to try to stop the orc to gun?
Is anybody getting explosives on them?
Is this the only entrance to this place?
Yes, as far as you know.
Who's the announcer decapitating?
Is that good?
Kill the announcer.
You guys informed me, you got time, like nobody's coming out here after you.
Nobody knows that those guys are dead.
So if you want to formulate a plan of some sort, you can do that.
So it's just like basically where we fought all those guys at the top of this coliseum.
It was the, yeah, like there's like, it's like grass, normal area and then a quarry
that kind of drops down.
Yeah, what's the point?
Why are we fighting them?
Because this is the guys that sent the orcs and goblins after your town.
So we have to fight them.
If you're wanting to stop the goblin and orc problem in the area, yes.
We can just keep them out of your homes.
If you have a way to do that.
Do you have any earth altering spells that could?
Use your biggie potion.
Just get big and just crush it.
Just block it.
It's not that big.
You're not that big.
What does happen if I take the biggie potion?
I don't know.
Slightly biggie.
You have to find out.
Well, you're a goblin.
You're a dwarf.
Do you want to take it?
Do you want to take the biggie potion?
That sounded rude in a way.
You're a dwarf.
I look like a little chimp.
Do you want to be bigger, trash man?
You are a dwarf.
We can get trash man bigged up and send him in.
Yeah, so yeah, you got all that.
What are you guys going to do here?
I don't have anything that will help me destroy.
There is a lot of orcs and goblins inside here.
Can you show the rest?
I'll get my light.
Yeah, you guys do have short rests because you did a lot of rest last.
But are you going to do short rests here in this camp?
Are you just going to like sleep out on the bedrolls for like an hour?
I don't know because what if someone comes and kills us while we're sleeping?
I will say this isn't a safe area.
How about we all stare at him and let him short rest to get his lightning back?
And we'll just stare at him to make sure he doesn't get it.
You can do that if you would like to do that.
It won't count as all of you are short rests, but we can count it as a Duke Crystal short rest.
Falkars can stay in guard for us while we all take a short rest.
Did you bring Falkars with you?
He's always with us.
You want to rest this whole time, Brad?
Sure.
I will do that.
I will roll for Falkars to see if he can keep watch while you guys short rest.
He's pretty smart.
He's got a life so we've got to get Falkars.
We saved his life.
Damn it, he owes us this.
But is he mentally capable?
We'll find out when he runs.
Alright, so...
I was saying, are you doing this?
That's fine if you want to do that.
It sounds like he's trying to kill us.
It's not going to happen, we'll just all of a sudden have an issue with not a short rest.
They're like, yeah, they can keep going.
As soon as you close your eyes, you're going to have a real comfy and you're like...
Like the day is off, they're like...
Get away!
Okay, so you guys are going to go set up and just lay down and take your rest then?
Yeah, and Falkars is going to be a good guard.
He's going to be in the goblin beds.
Alright, so we're going to roll for Falkars as you guys get yourselves into a little short rest.
We're going to put a little map inside of the camp of the Goblins and Orcs, the leader orc, our Orc-Gon.
That is a six.
So Falkars is sitting there watching as you guys sleep and he kind of like moses off and looking off into the distance thinking about hell and the life he was in for just a little while there.
He doesn't realize that a group of Orcs and Goblins are sneaking up and smack Falkars in the back of the head and he goes unconscious and then jumps all of you guys and you guys are all beat unconscious.
This is like a lot of Orcs and Goblins like jumping on you, like jumping on you.
Like just fucking...
Just like hands, fists, throwing down on your head.
So yeah, you guys wake up and you're being, you're kind of waking up and you're being drugged through this what looks like an old like temple ruin place, like a tomb of some kind.
And you're being drugged through and you see like a giant rain cage.
You hear like a bunch of Orcs and Goblins just like Orc the God, Orc the God.
And you guys are being tossed into this pit.
I told you this would happen!
This was your idea.
This pit is about 40-50 feet high, like tall up the wall.
There's being thrown down.
We're not going to do a bunch of damage of you guys being thrown down.
You're being taken down into the pit, cinematically.
So does.
Thrown without damage.
And land inside the pit as you wait.
So yeah, around you.
Actually Archie, give me a perception check.
Because I'd say that being thrown into a fighting pit is probably Archie's bugaboo.
He knows a thing or two about being thrown into a ring.
So give me a perception check on looking over the ring and stuff.
Eight.
Alright, so as you're looking around you see like weird faint glows of blue in the corners, four directions of the ring down there.
And as you're like looking around you notice all these things.
You see a large, large Orc standing up by this big statue of this woman.
And he says, I am Orc the God!
He goes, this is my ring!
These are my Orcs and these are my Goblins.
He goes, we like to see blood in this pit.
I don't care whose blood it is.
He goes, you fuckers thought you could kill my men and then sleep in their beds?
He goes, you're in the pit now!
He goes, and you're in the Orc-tagon!
And he like yells that and like waves his hands around and everybody starts like screaming Orc-tagon as well.
And he's a, he goes, I've eaten plenty of dicks and I'll eat yours when they're done with you.
And he like waves his hand.
And he like waves his hands and you see, you see Orcs start dropping into the pit to come combat you guys.
To come, to come combat you.
You see Orcs just start dropping in around the whole area just like jumping off the ledge and a lot.
Oh, hang on that's not all the ones I wanted to.
Guys, I can use my last flask of oil-y.
Oil-y.
Back to my last oil flask.
Oil-y.
Okay guys.
Let's let Kelly not have her show for a quick and then.
Okay, I can use my last oil flask.
Dump it around us so we can get into it.
Yeah, that's the only way we can get into it.
And now we're trapped in a freaking puddle of oil.
No, the ring of it's around us.
I'm going to blind them with my staff.
I'm going to.
Yeah, let's roll initiative.
I'm breaking hair.
You're going to what?
You're going to fist him?
Was I breaking hair?
I don't know.
This is a strange turn.
Oh no.
19.
I got a 19.
All right.
17.
I'm going to hold that.
I'm going to roll real quick.
So is it a roll off or no?
Because I got a 16 plus three.
Wow.
I got a 16 plus one.
I got a eight plus three.
Ooh.
He rolled a higher than mine.
He rolled an 18.
All right, so let's do this again.
Miss Muffin.
16 plus 319, bruh.
Okay.
Duke Crystal.
I got a little 18 plus one and all that.
Hey, good, good, good.
Flea stick sock jelly.
I got the old 16 plus one.
That was 17.
He holds 17 Archery T's.
He's got a little odd boys.
Eight plus three and 11.
11.
I said it more proudly.
11.
This is 11.
I rolled 11.
That's perfect.
So you both rolled 19?
Yeah, but I rolled 11.
I rolled 11.
So you both rolled 19?
Yeah, but mine was lesser of a 19 than his.
16 plus three.
All right, then yeah.
Duke Crystal, you're up first.
Yeah.
Hey, good, good.
Hey, nice.
As you're throwing into the Orca, Orcagon.
I don't know what we're looking at here in the rain.
We're looking at a bunch of shit.
We look up and we're like, well, fuck.
We're gonna have to fight these fuckers.
Fuckers.
You can see the Orcs and the Goblins up top like chanting.
They're all like holding rocks and stuff too in their hands.
Yeah, you look like shit.
Don't throw that ass.
It's gonna kill you.
Yep, yep, yep.
I think I'm gonna use my Warhammer.
Okay.
It'll crack the one trying to flank me from the left.
All right.
I'm gonna go invisible.
That will hit.
I hope so.
These are some real strong Orcs.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
D10.
That's a 10 plus five.
15 damage.
Are you serious?
Yes, I am.
All right, so how do you kill this Orc?
Just top the head with the old hammer.
Just crush it in.
All right, 15.
Crushed him in.
One hit.
That was a one hit kill.
All right, bloody body roars.
They all have Orcs.
Orc to gone, Orc to gone.
And next up is Miss Muffin.
So first off, I'm wearing my invisibility cloak because I put it on when I went to take
my short rest as a blanket.
Sorry.
Okay.
I'll allow it.
Yes.
How'd they see you to catch you?
She didn't cast invisibility.
So that's what I'm saying.
Since I'm wearing it, can I go ahead and cast it?
No, she was not invisible.
You have to cast invisibility.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So can I go ahead and cast it?
Yes, you can cast invisibility.
All right.
Does that take my action or do I still get to try and dagger?
Dagger, dagger.
Because I can sneakably, stealthily, invisibly sneak up on one of them.
I think it's an action.
Individually, it's actually a dagger.
I believe it's an action.
I think it is too, but it's not showing.
Yes.
Because it was an action to take it off.
I believe it's an action.
The wisdom of the blade.
The wisdom of the shadow individually.
But it's a good action because I can go invisible and they can't see me to pumble me.
And I'm just a little crazy woman.
It'd be best to save it for a strong target though, someone who's tough and you want to
utilize it on.
Well, I already casted it.
Okay, so.
I'm going to go ahead and cast it.
I believe you are still supposed to make a stealth check, aren't you?
But advantage?
Yes.
Yeah.
So you got to make a stealth check to make sure they don't see you.
18 plus 5.
Yeah, you're good.
You're good.
So yeah, you are hidden as fuck.
So that was your action.
Nexus flea stick sock jelly.
I'm going to blind all these fuckers with a cone of radiant light.
Okay, so it's 15 foot, I believe, for the radiant light blinding.
So I thought you just said it was casting oil.
It's a cone, like a cone of light.
It does like that.
Up to 15.
So to...
Let's see where you're at here.
So straight ahead of you, about 30 feet, there's two orcs standing 10 feet apart from each
other.
And then to your right, there's one about 20 feet from you, but he is like further out
from that one.
He's about 15 feet off to the side.
So you could hit two possibly if you wanted, or if you moved to your right for your movement
speed.
It's the closest.
You could possibly hit them both, hit three of them.
I'm going to just go immediately with my clip says.
Up to 15 feet.
So yeah, no, you would have to move up to hit those two with blindness to hit those
two.
So yeah, you would be able to hit only those two really, if you want to.
Is there anybody close enough I can hit with my clip says?
Yeah, you can.
You can, Mailey, if you'd like to.
Yeah, I want to just...
Yeah, you can move up to the one on the right.
He's 20 feet from you.
Yeah, let's hit him.
All right, go for it.
Probably not.
13.
Yes, that will hit.
Seven damage.
That is a good hit.
Good hit indeed.
But lucky for you all, it's the orc's turn.
Unlucky.
So the orc up ahead that's furthest from you guys, he's going to throw a javelin right
at Duke Crystal.
That's a natural one.
So let's see here.
He throws his javelin and it goes flying and it sticks one of those blue glowing little
fragments in the wall and hits it and the fragment like cracks and snaps and then falls
to the ground.
So yeah, that's what just happened there.
So I will put this here.
So that blue one's out over there on the far left side of your room here.
So the next up is orc B, one on Duke Crystal.
Looks like you're getting a great ax.
16 plus five.
Great axed.
I thought he's dead.
What?
Oh yeah, you did kill him, didn't you?
Yeah, you did.
He is dead.
I apologize.
Yeah.
Yes, I apologize.
So yeah, orc C then.
Orc C. I'm going to throw a javelin at flea stick.
It's a 17 plus five flea stick.
That will hit, I believe.
Boy, you're hitting me.
Six damage.
That's the amount of damage.
All right, now flea stick, the one that's on you is going to hit you with the great
ax.
Try to hit you with the great ax.
I'm leaving it.
Eight plus five.
What's your AC?
Wait, what was your last roll?
High.
Oh, okay.
Oh, your AC is 17.
Shit.
All right, that one will not hit.
Next up, Archie.
Which one like Lucy's team or is it?
It really doesn't matter.
I'm within 30 feet of them, right?
Yes.
The farthest one from you is 26 feet.
All right, well I'm going to need a strength check because I'm using a fist of unbroken
air.
A fist of unbroken air.
Unbroken.
Okay, strength saves, is that what you say?
Yeah, strength save.
Shit, sorry.
My shit just fucked up.
Yeah, higher than a 12.
Higher than a 12.
I'm sorry, I can hear my shit just froze up on me.
Okay, higher than a 12.
That's what you said?
Uh, yeah.
11 plus three saves.
All right, so half damage and he doesn't go prone.
Half as much damage and you do not push or knock.
Okay.
Isn't it like a bunch of damage?
Yeah, three to ten.
Oh shit, which one?
With a zero on it.
Perfect.
Yep.
Two.
Nine.
Uh, 13.
So half of 13 would be that.
Okay.
All right, next up is, I believe top of the round, do crystal.
That was all the orcs, so yes.
Okay, I'll reach the next orc, the one farther away from everybody else.
Uh, yes, you can be able to reach him.
Oh, okay.
I go for war game, not armed game.
Okay.
Nine.
No.
Okay.
All right, Miss Melvin.
I am going to sneakily go over to it and freaking slice his ankles out.
Which one?
The one on the closest to him.
Okay, so the one on flee stick?
Yeah.
Okay.
Twenty.
Natural 20?
Yeah.
Okay, so that's double damage on your regular attack and then you can roll for your sneak
attack damage.
So three plus four is seven.
What did you say?
Seven.
So roll your damage twice.
Oh, okay.
So seven.
And then one plus four.
Okay, so five, so seven and five.
Mm-hmm.
And then you said sneak attack has you?
He's very dead.
He's already dead.
Two D six?
You don't want me to keep going or not?
Oh, no, he's dead.
Very dead.
Overkill.
So yeah.
Overkill.
That's it.
Keep going.
That's it for that.
He exploded his internal organs.
Yeah.
He bled out his ankles, apparently.
He bled out his ankles.
Okay.
Flea stick.
Your turn.
I'm going for Orc C.
Okay.
Are you going to melee?
What are you going to do here?
I am going to just use my staff.
Okay, so smack him?
Yeah, I'm going to run up and crack him right in front of him.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
I'm going to run up and crack him right between the eyeballs.
Just one of the straight down, just one small, two-faced.
Okay.
Give it to him.
Twelve.
Nope.
And now I'm going to crack.
All right.
Duke Crystal, the one on you.
This Orc is angry and pissed.
He's going to swing his greataxe at you.
It's gax.
17 plus five.
Jesus.
All right, 1D6.
Let's see.
Ooh, good.
4D6.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Ooh, good.
4 damage.
Ooh, good.
It was a little damage.
That's it.
All right.
Now it is the one on you, Flea Stick.
You're getting the gax as well.
14 plus five.
I killed the one on Flea Stick.
He ran to the other one to attack it.
Oh, snipe.
That one, yeah.
Six damage.
Okay, Archie, your turn.
All righty.
Close this one too.
It's still got one 26 feet away, right?
Yes.
Two crystals on him.
Flea Stick's on the other one.
Is there any other within 40 feet of me?
Within 40 feet of you?
No, it's just those two as of right now.
Oh, there's no more.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll run up on that one that I already hit once.
Okay.
And I'll try to crack him with my cane.
Wood crack.
Crack the wood.
Wood crack with the promised cane.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
Okay.
So that's it.
21.
Oh yeah.
21.
Is that any damage?
Oh yeah.
Good damage.
Crack his wood.
Crank up next to Duke and just smoke him in the rib cage.
I think it's back to the top, so Dookie.
Dookie, you suck.
Oh, Dookie boy.
I am going to reckless attack.
Okay.
We can be more.
Let's see.
What's about 11?
No, sir.
Damn.
Yeah, I'd say that would hurt.
That's advantage, right?
You get the rolls twice for reckless.
Yeah.
42?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
16.
17.
Oh, well.
10 plus 5.
15.
Dang, max damage hit.
Yeah, so you decimate him.
How do you kill him?
Because this one you did the amount of his max HP and he had two HP left.
If this one hit me, I definitely did like the 6 to 12 upward groin swing.
It's like in half from the ground up.
Yeah, I slung him over me.
Yeah, I picked him up by his fucking gooch.
All right.
Good one.
All right, Miss Muffin, you.
The crowd's getting their sweat.
Which one am I getting?
Yeah, the crowd's sweating.
The crowd's like don't know what to do anymore.
Huh?
He just killed that one?
He killed the other one.
There's one about 10 feet in front of you on flea stick.
Yeah, that's what I said to the last one.
So I'm going to sneak over to that one and repeat my actions and slice his ankles.
Okay, repeat actions, slice the ankles.
14 plus 6.
6?
Yes, that will hit 14 plus 6.
Okay, so then I have 17.
17 damage?
Right.
Or what?
Double damage or no?
No, you didn't get a natural 20 this time.
Oh, shnite, my bad.
So then it would have just been the first roll was 4 plus 4.
So 8 damage total?
Yep.
Okay.
8 damage to his ankles.
Do I roll a sneak?
My sneak?
Uh.
2D6?
No.
Okay.
Flea stick.
Your turn.
It's hurting.
Where are we at Cassie?
You can't really walk good.
Geez.
Yeah, you've got one right in front of you and it's the last one.
The one that you're engaged with.
The one in front of these dudes.
Yeah, the one in front of you is dead.
So many of my spiritual weapons and the garbage can loaded from my head.
And I...
So is that a bonus action pick?
Yes.
So you just cast that?
I'm going to cast it and use it.
Okay, so as you raise your hand to use the trash god powers to summon a spiritual weapon,
you see these blue little like...almost like gems in the walls start to glow real bright
and you feel the magic in your hands just kind of like cut off.
Just like stops.
We have to break all the blue gems.
You can tell that there is something blocking the magic in this chamber.
And that can be a big problem for people who are hurt and a cleric who needs magic to heal.
And destroy the walls.
The Orctagon stands up and he goes, yes, I see that little man.
He goes, you try to use magic in my ring.
We have anti-magic.
He goes, I'm strong and I take what I want.
And what I want is for this to be a good old blood-filled fight.
Because that's what Orctagon's going to get.
Nope.
Music
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as RG Ortiz,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice
and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
Most importantly, join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dummies with Dice for free
or for $3 monthly to gain access to a Discord and bonus content.
Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.
Music