Viewer warning use of violence profanity rude humor and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use
Welcome to dummies dice a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four not so average dummies of our world to get caught up in
A magical storm and are transported to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back home
Hey everybody Ryan Tucker here, I play as please stick sock jelly. I'm the hobo trash master cleric of the group
I am MacGyver of all things trash and garbage fun fact I had a best friend raccoon
Living on the street named George Cooney who would bring me back valuables every night
Hey guys are one I'm playing as Archie Ortiz the 76 year old MMA gym owner
He's also the monk of the group fun fact about Archie. He lost his wife and an armed bank robbery
Hey guys, it's Nate here. My character is Duke Crystal. He's the level three drug addicted barbarian of the group fun fact about Duke
He runs almost entirely on impulse
Yeah, as we've seen yes, he likes to bunch of people in the face. Hello. I'm Kelly Lee. I play miss muffin
She's a crazy cat lady rogue
Fun fact all of miss muffins cats are toilet trained
Hi, I'm Tristan Hayes and I'm the dummy master and my fun fact is every minute the human body sheds over 30,000 dead skin cells
Eww
Cringe
Do you know that primarily most of the dust in your house is dead skin cells?
I actually did hear that once
Dust bunnies
Dust bunnies, but it's actually dust humans
All right, so we left off
athons
Beaten body lies on the ground stabbed and smashed
The telescope is cracked
um, you saw your world through the telescope miss muffin did and
Saw the four others that where they are commanding people and attacking people and forcing people to do their deeds
What do you guys do inside the tower? What else do you want to do in here?
That's what I was gonna say see this magic spell
Miss muffin yeah miss muffin accent changed. All right
She said I am southern now
She probably has like multiple personalities or something probably miss muffins wow. All right. So you're going back check the chest miss muffin and duke
All right
Anybody else doing anything else in there?
Can I search dude?
Oh, yeah, you can search dude. Yeah, let's go for it. Give me a perception or investigation
one of the two
Perception it is
Natural 20 really yep Wow. Oh, yeah. All right, so you find
This is a weapon and it's called the eclipse staff
Got a plus one to attack and spell casting modifier
You can cast mass healing word once per short rest and you can use
An action to the staff can flash a cone of radiant light to blind creatures. You have to they'll have to roll
When you when you use the staff, you'll have to roll a d8
So a four or lower the staff will recharge in one hour and on a five or higher that the light recharges instantly
I'll get all that in a little bit. Yep. That's fine. We'll do that
Would you say it was cold again? I just made it up. Okay staff
So yeah, we'll just wait for you. Um, you also find something else
Let me find my thingy. Yes, yes
You find 130 gold pieces and
You find a crystal of illumination, which is a crystal that grants the ability to see in darkness and reveal hidden secrets
I
Think the natural 20 in this place a lot. Okay
All right, anything else like to do in there
What else we got? I think I'm gonna mend that telescope. All right mend the telescope
Seeing if you have a little magic
Cleric powers to mend it up and telescopes crack disappears as your hands wave over it
You're welcome people. All right, Duke and miss muffin
Whoever wants to roll to search this chest. I know who has better stuff what I want to go for it, but go for it
18
Okay. All right
you find
the robes of the wizard
Your robes that grant the wearer bonus spell slots and spell casting ability
Okay, you find oh, what's that here?
Oh a ring of elemental control a ring that allows the wielder to control the elements summon powerful elemental forces
So you can use a lightning bolt and let's get second action to use lightning bolt to shoot a lightning bolt out
And it'll hit enemies and bounce around to other enemies. Okay
I'll put the ring on and
We'll give the cake to our trash man. Well, I think you wrote it the wizard the ropes the wizard
Yeah, that way you do
All right
Let's see then are you guys want to do anything else inside of the tower or you guys done here and you want to head back?
To Dark Haven you can see Duke would you like anything I got?
Would you like anything? I got well, you're a spellcaster too, aren't you?
She's broke
So yeah, he's the only one spell cast. No, I'll just naturally give you all the spell cast
Yeah, just look out for me when you find barbarian life
Powerful stuff, but you can see if your wine bottles come off the wall now. That's that's more clear. That's my next plan
They're still piss covered though. That's my piss
As a
Small flee stick and Archie re rejoin with a Duke Crystal and Mismuffin after they find their searchings and they're heading back down
Check on the wine bottles. See if they're still covered in piss
You go down and
Find a friendly alliance between flea stick and Duke Crystal as they descend down the stairs and
You guys go back and you happen to see a puddle of broken glass wine and piss on the ground
The shelves broken and the magic disappeared
Weak glass
You see a mixture of like red and yellow on the ground
All right, so you guys done in the tower anything else
Yeah, we can go back and see if they'll let us see what's in that hat Dark Haven
They wouldn't let us under the hat
You guys are gonna navigate back to dark Haven are you gonna go straight to the church or anything else you want to do in
The town before you go into the church
Hatch what's good?
else wants to
anybody
I'm just gonna follow the okay
So you're allowed to split up and do as you want your item bit like a break period of anything exciting that
Alright, so
You guys start to make your way back to the church
and as you enter
Lilith Darko turns around she says oh you're back. You're back. Okay. Um, did you guys take care of the Wizard of Light?
Is he is he gone depends you gonna tell us what's in your hatch?
Okay, go ahead new persuasion check
You're gonna go straight forward
13 plus 5
13 plus 5. Yeah, she goes she goes honestly listen what's what's down on the hatch is nothing good
She goes if you want to go down there like sure you guys can go down there
But there's gonna be bad stuff. We haven't made it would clear it out. So if you continue down that that's on you
But I really wouldn't risk it clear what out what bad stuff what's down there. Is there any valuables?
She there may there may be there may be valuables
But we haven't really made it far in because it's scary as hell down there
Scary as hell and we do not want to deal with it
You've been trying to get further in with other people but they either don't come back or they come back and never go back again
If y'all ready to clear a hatch or you want to do something else, let's go in the hat
Yeah, I want to I want to get my weapons correct
All right, so you're gonna you say you're gonna take kind of like a rest up before you guys head out to the Wizard of Light
Yeah, okay. So as you guys start to move your way out
She calls to you flee stick and she says a flee stick
Come back and hold back a minute and talk to me for a second
Um, you wish to stay and talk to her? Yeah, sure. We'll see what you guys say
Okay
as you come back in she you see everybody else kind of walk out of the building and
All of her like people that have been lined in this like church
Kind of like lower their hands and stop chanting and walk out of the building and it's just you and little darko sitting here
at the rituals podium site or the podium of the the church and
She says flee stick you've got the connection to some kind of magic
Do you?
Am I correct in that?
Yes
Says so so we're gonna we're gonna try something
I'm gonna try to meditate with you if you can do that and see if I can share the visions
I've had with you to kind of better your guys's journey to see
Getting back to your world and whatnot and what you're trying to do. Absolutely
Okay
So as you sit down she kind of you guys do the little crisscross applesauce sitting on the ground in front of each other
there's incense burning candles and all this good stuff and she just begins to kind of close her eyes and meditate and
you do the same I'm sure and
you feel like
Not so much dread in a bad way
but a dread in the way that they feel it in a way that's like this is them and how they feel and
everything goes black and you start to see flashes of your town and
And you see the people before that they saw inside of the telescope kind of commanding people whipping people
Now can you make me a wisdom safe?
17 17. Okay, so you feel
something like almost like a sharp claw just kind of clawing at the back of your head and
You kind of brush it off and you're like, you know
You fight against whatever that feeling is and you look further into the visions and then you start to see the four
people that
Look like creatures from this world
But are in your world and they're like talking to each other and you can't hear what they're saying
But then they're kind of looking up to the sky and talking to something else like as if they're come having a conversation with someone else
Make me another wisdom safe
20 natural 20. Mm-hmm. Okay. All right, so
You feel that little itch on the back of your head again and your hand
instinctively inside your mind reaches up and grabs and you feel an arm and then you hear a voice that
booms out inside of your head and it says let me go and then the vision breaks away and goes off
And you kind of are stunned there for a second as you wake back up in front of little Tharko. So
What the fuck was that?
She goes, I don't know. She was I've never felt whatever the hell that was
But someone was in here with us someone was inside your mind
I could feel it and they wanted in your mind that you fought them off because I don't know who that was
But they were immensely powerful
And she says
She so she kind of like reaches out and like touches your hand and she's like, I'm gonna give you something and then your fleas
that are covering your body and your mace they start to imbue with a little bit of magic and
You see the fleas kind of float around you in a swarm and they start spinning around faster and faster
And she goes here you go
And then like pushes onto you and the fleas attached to your body and you can now cast darkness as a bonus action
While using your fleas so it'd be like flea darkness noise
She goes so I I've told you I've showed you the visions you can see
I've showed you the visions you believe me that this is all I know and then she kind of
Tells you a little bit more information and she says I've heard
Talk and speaking of things called planar planar planar wizards
People who can just easily transport through different dimensions and different worlds and realms
Some that can walk to a furnace that furnace itself and come back
I don't know any and I don't know how to find them and I don't know where you'd find them
but I know that that would be your best shot at ever getting back to your home and
with that she kind of
Tells you that the hatch is yours to search as you wish when you guys are ready
So she sends you out of the church and as you start to walk away
She comes back kicks the door open real quick and says miss miss muffin come here real quick. I got something for you
Miss muffin you approach you come up talk to her what you got
she reaches out and she hands you a
Bracelet that has like spikes around the edges and then she holds an identical bracelet and slips it on her and she says I have
Perfected a sending stone and I'm gonna give this to you and slips it onto your wrist and you feel like a connection to her
Almost and you can use a sending stone
Once until the next dawn to talk to her at any time so like you guys can communicate through your bracelet
Once a day until the next dawn to talk
Yeah
Interesting
She goes use this she goes use this if you ever need to get in hold of me for anything important and then
Slips hers on and walks on back into the church
Anything else that you guys want to do in the town?
I want to go to the store
To the store? Yes. I don't trust it
The store what why did she put this on me? I don't trust it. It's a sending stone
You're the chosen. You're the chosen. You're the best friend
I mean, I guess you can take it off if you want. Maybe she likes cats too. That's up to you
She could have some info for us in the future
Maybe it's cuz you're the only female party member. Yeah. Well, that's up you to decide what you want to do with that
I'm gonna keep it on. I'm just scared. Okay. All right. So you're gonna go check out tiefling dirt bag. Yes, okay
As you open the door you see a woman there and there's a sign actually outside the doors you walk up and it says
New manage under new management and as you walk in you see a woman there and it's kind of like set up the same in a way
But just a little bit nicer a little bit cleaner
You walk in and she goes, oh, hi, welcome to tiefling dirt bag. She goes what can I get for you guys?
What are you guys looking for today? Well, I got these robes here. I was seeing about trading in. Oh, you got some robes
Let me see them and you just gonna hand them out to her and yeah, I'm gonna lay them on the counter
I'll check them out. Okay. She like like almost looks like a severe professional
She's like looking it over and like rubbing down the edges and like checking the edges and stuff and then she like pulls out
One of those like single eye like monocle things and is like searching it good. She goes this thing's uh
She's got a little bit of magic in it doesn't it?
a bit cuz how much are you want to sell it for?
I was thinking I'd see what you had to trade. What were you willing to offer for it?
Oh, you're looking for a trade. Okay. Yeah, I like trading stuff
All right. Now, let me see what I can trade
So she does have potion of healing she's got
normal potion of healing a
greater potion of healing like a couple of each and then the same items that were there before
four plus a
Okay, so she she kind of steps up to the counter she says oh yeah, I got some stuff I can trade
She says I have a potion of shadow walk
And I have a potion of bloodlust a potion of eternal rest
She says I've also got this thing here called the sword of the wretched
and
So you kind of like looks through this like starts looking under the counter and stuff
She's like and then there's this this one one thing here
it's called the skull of the ancients and
Puts it up there on the death on the counter and says is any of this catching your eyes and does look good
Hmm
I want to take a little look at that sword look at the sword
Okay, so uh, she goes. Oh, yeah the sword of the wretched
Uh, like holds it up and uh, you can tell that this sword looks like it's gonna do some extra damage
but she said but
but
Remember that there is a cost at holding such great power
Because this thing just might slowly drain a little bit of your life force each time you use it
But boy does it hit hard and uh kind of steps back and lets you think about what you want to do there
When we say use it
Do we mean swing it at someone or hold it in my hand?
Yes, I think it's more of like a you uh take blood you're gonna give a little blood
Oh, is it a you know equal part 50-50?
I don't know how powerful is this thing
She says I I can't really tell you exactly because I haven't ever used it
This is just what I know of the thing the stories I've heard
It's a soul stealer
Because it is very expensive very very expensive
Wow
But there's plenty of other items if you want to think of or some other stuff
And these are all trade offers, huh?
Yes, these are trade offers. She goes like the the this here this here um
Sword of the wretched she goes this is about 800 gold pieces. She goes so that's about
Honestly, honestly a little more than what I'd want to give for this robe
But the thing just you know, it's got such a cost that it's it's okay
Huh robes must have been pretty nice
Well, we don't have a lot of mages, but you know if we did they're gonna want this
Yeah, I'll go ahead and take the sword why not
All right, all right
And she uh she kind of like pulls a robe off of it and you can hear it like as she's like putting it on
She's like god thank god. Yes. Thank god
And uh so like you're just gonna pick the sword up and kind of inspect it and look it over and stuff
Yeah, all right. So what it swings for this is a great sword and it's gonna do whatever damage you're dealing
It's gonna do double that like so you're gonna do double damage
Whatever it says
But it is going to I think we'll do probably like a roll with some kind of dice to see the health that it's going to take probably like a d6 or something
Just roll a d6 and see what kind of essence of life it's gonna take as you hit with it
So
Damn that's kind of
But it will do a lot of damage
I'm a barbarian
I got the most health out
So as you pick up the sword
You like grab it and it's like overwhelming like darkness like flows through you like you're you feel like your whole body is just black
And you hear like really really really loudly inside of your head just like rapid whispers like
Speaking quickly and rapidly inside your head you can't make any idea of what they're what they're trying to say
But you hear lots of voices inside of your head as you hold this item
Dude Crystal
Wild man
All right, is there anything else anybody else wants to do in this place?
Anybody items that anybody else wants to look over?
What other items you should have?
She's got the skull of ancients. She goes this this will thing of grants you a little bit of wisdom
It's it's it's pretty helpful. And then she's got a
You disorder the wretched went to your friend Duke
Potion of shadow walk, which I think kind of gives you the temporary ability to teleport and a potion of blood lust
Which can give you an advantage on strength checks, but with the risk of going frenzy
Losing your mind a little bit. That's cool wisdom
Skull of wisdom or a skull of the ancients. Okay, that will be
900 gold pieces
Let me check me wallet
Check me wallet. Please take old wallet. It's full of gold coins. It's not like a billfold
Let me check me satchel
So is that just a standard great sword on that one or a great sword plus one?
We'll do plus one
You're gonna have to add on that price there buddy. Oh, yeah. Yeah
Okay, um roll persuasion check
He said double what it was
That's 40
If it's double the standard standards 2d6
But it's also losing your life so
10
She goes honestly. No, I can't I can't do that because the last guy I mean between you and me
He was trading literal items and stuff from here for drugs. He was trading it for drugs
Because I need to make money to keep this place going or else we won't be a tiefling dirt bag no more in the town of Dark Haven
So she will remain stiff at her price. Okay
I'll tell you what
You lower your price by 200 gold coins and I will throw in some poison lipstick
Some poison lipstick. Yes, wait a second and she like reaches under her desk like pulls out a paper
She's like looking through this paper and she's like she goes what we have
We're actually missing a poison lipstick. She goes from from this place. She had what how did you get that?
I found it when I was beating the shit out of the light bringer
Okay, roll deception
Oh no
Give her the lick of the cube
Thank you
Often often
12 or wait 19 19. All right, she goes oh, oh the Wizard of Light
How did how did the Wizard of Light get stuff from my store?
Hmm, maybe there was a maybe the guy out in this place running the floor was maybe a trader
Maybe he he was working with the Wizard of Light because I'm sorry, you know, since you took care of him you you can keep it
It's all good. You got that
But she goes I I don't want to I don't want to take that back just because you know, it's I don't want to have that
reputation with my my store, so
She holds firm on her price, but also doesn't turn you in for
Robbing the place
drugs
So, all right, what's it gonna take for you to lower your price?
All right. She says nothing. It's staying firm. She goes I have to make my money
You're an asshole
We we we people run a good business off of being asshole. Sometimes it happens
How do you try to buy?
This golf of ancient how much is it?
800 or 900 gold pieces
Damn, how much you got?
I'll tell you what since you tried
Why don't you lower that price since I know you tried to screw over my friend just a minute ago with that sword?
Why don't you tell me what that sword really really really really?
She's I you know what I'll get you a little information because I'm not gonna lower my price but
Does that sword I?
think there's something inside of it and
When I touched it, I heard voices and I wanted it gone. So he wanted it. He bought it. There's no refunds
So
If I said the voices told me to kill her if she didn't give him the skull well then she might be scared that turn you
Had to do something. We'll see
I'll tell you what I'll give you 800 for the skull of ancients
But that is as much as I'm willing to spend on it
And you know, it's just gonna be sitting in your shop for months on end and you can have food and stuff
Alright, alright, alright, alright 800 gold pieces. I'll take it
You can have the skull of ancients
Haggling
Haggling a hackler
She has any healing potions. Yes. She has two regular healing potions and
Two greater healing potions. How much for the greater?
Give me one second. So I make sure I'm right. I believe it's 150
Up the price a it will be a hundred for the potion of healing greater and 50 for a regular
Shit no, I forgot I had a
She says you guys I I think I think I'm gonna hold firm. I think I'm gonna hold firm my price
You guys are just trying to get me out of everything. What will you give me for a gold bracelet?
One customer at a time, man
Voodoo
Alright fine I'll pay you a hundred dollars for it
Hundred for a good potion of greater healing she like slides it towards ya
And she goes pleasure doing business with you for a hundred gold pieces and then grabs the gold like size it into her cash register there
I was gonna ask her what she'll give me for a gold bracelet
What will I give you for a gold bracelet?
Yeah tell me
One hundred gold pieces
A hundred million dollars
I will give you 25 gold pieces for a gold bracelet
Fifty
No
She says 25 fucking gold pieces
Alright
Is what I'll give you for a fucking gold bracelet
Well then I'm gonna keep my gold bracelet bitch
She goes okay have a good day
What kind of pawn shop is this?
It's not a pawn shop
Okay so
What kind of pawn shop? She said what kind of gold is this?
This is not a pawn shop this is a legitimate store
She's starting to leave this establishment
She is no longer wanting to fucking sell anything
She doesn't even have a manager
I said 20 fucking balls
Music
Alright so you guys walked out of Tiefen Dirtbag feeling pleased and I guess not pleased I don't know
Not me
And you guys what do you want to do now? Are you guys gonna go rest up and take care of yourselves for the night?
What's going on around the town? I want to know like what else is in this town?
We've just been to where the seller is and the new store correct?
What else is going on?
Well there is the tavern still that you have went to one night and then there's where you've been sleeping
But there's also like you know people walking around there's people chanting there's all kinds of stuff happening
I mean it's not a big town it's a very small town with about seven or eight buildings a church building and the two stores
Okay so like a little western town
Yeah it's a little small place they have the tavern Tiefen Dirtbag and then temple church
Okay
People are walking around just kind of doing the wish this never ends chant as they look up into the darkness
And because it is getting late at night so from your big battle with the wizard and everything that's happened so
What else is there special that you guys would like to do?
I think I'm just standing alone on the street with a cigarette
Standing on the street with a cigarette
Alright
We got around where the first time we met
Alright
And do a long rest
Do a long rest
Alright well Calendale please take a smoke and a cigarette as he falls asleep leaning against the building
Feeling comfortable at home
Sleeping outside by the building
Yes
In the mouth
And you guys rest up for the night
Ash is still hanging
So
You know that's lyrics from their song
Really?
So
The night goes by pretty peacefully for everybody everyone feels pretty accomplished but also having you know the thoughts of finally
Getting a little bit of information on where to go and what's next and planar wizards and needing to find out where a planar wizard is or who they are and what they do
And you've got a few things on your list that you could be doing and you guys kind of all drift off to sleep
And the night goes by and the morning comes and as it's really really real dark in the morning like early in the morning you hear absolute screaming from outside
So you guys kind of well actually Fleestick who is outside I guess already sleeping against a building is woken up at the site of one of the halflings that was outside kind of chanting in the early morning
Just gets absolutely eviscerated by a spear that comes through and like sticks into the ground and as you look around the corner you see like four goblins and some orcs and then this other kind of like weirder bigger goblin like walking up
And he's got like chains wrapped to his arms the little goblin does and they're all like you hear you hear the goblin that's wrapped in chains he says let me go let me go and I'm gonna fuck them all up and then we're gonna roll initiative
So as this town gets invaded by goblins and orcs I got a lot to roll here for these so you guys know I'm gonna do a auto roll there we go 20 did you roll a 20 also yes roll off roll off
Eight six yeah that's right eight you rolled an eight yeah roll up again no you already got you rolled off because we both got 20s but now we both got eight no you rolled that was just to see which of us two went for it I go right after you
So my eight before his eight year 20 before my 20 your first essentially your first determine who's determined who out of the 20s would be in front of each other
Okay so miss nothing you got a 20 right yeah all right do crystal you're out of 20 her math ain't math you got a 20 right Duke yeah I'll be right behind her okay and Archie 12 well unless someone else flee stick your eight okay
I keep forgetting you can add the plus three to that so technically 15 well let's do that your initiative was yeah 15 would be 15 okay yeah I got it I'll change it wait what is my initiative 15 oh nine noobs nine all right nine
It should be high because she's got major decks plus three so you got 23 so really you would have went first things yeah all right up first is miss muffin you are laying inside your the tavern sleeping so you need to run outside and see what's going on
It will take you about you got about 30 30 feet it's about five 10 feet to get out of the building and then as you head out of the building to your west is you can see flea stick kind of standing there and poor as there's a man spirit to the ground a halfling so to take you about 30 feet to get over there to flee stick that's what you'd like to do to move out there if there's anything special else you'd like to do
I mean I can freak out when I hear what's happening and flop out of bed and grab hazel run outside see what's happening over there and run over to flee stick and be like dude what the fuck
What the fuck. All right so yeah now you as you get up next to flee stick on the other side of the building you see the goblins and the orcs and then the Goblin of the chains and stuff and anything you'd like to do while you're standing there I don't think you could actually if you got ranged attacks or anything yeah yell at them oh hey yo they're about 70 feet from you you see goblins and orcs attacking they just speared a man to the ground
I'm about to speared about 70 feet from where you are so unless you've got some kind of really good range weapon there's nothing you can really do yet yeah I'm stuck correct amando let's do that okay so then I think next up was Duke right yeah Duke Crystal so where am I you are in the same place as about Kelly was or Miss Muffin was inside the building about 10 feet to run out and about 20 30 it's about 30 feet overall to get to where they are
walking up the street or something yeah so if you were to cut out the building go west and then down to your south is another street that goes down and then to the west is a street that goes over to where the goblins and the orcs are coming through the town there's a building there in the middle are they all in that intersection yes they're all kind of cutting through right there at that beginning street edge how many are there's four goblins about five goblins and an orc four I'm trying to line up five goblins
and one line them up long ways oh yeah for a little bit of a bolt of yeah yeah so I'll say they're in almost kind of like there's like the chain one up ahead of them all and then there's two back of both like corners of him holding him with chains and then there's about two behind him and then an orc in the back of them kind of like leading you know like telling them all what to do
I'll pop out straight at the chain guy what's the range 100 foot and it's five foot wide it's like a kamehameha that's 100 foot long okay all right well I did give you that so you get to use it so all right what's the save or whatever was there save it's just the deck save so I got to do that for all of them correct?
anyone caught in a line actually they're holding them by each other so they'll bounce no matter what right oh those two guys holding the chain are hit oh yeah they're hit because they're holding metal so I don't think do you I don't know if it stops to hit or is it only a save?
no if they're caught in the path of that straight line they're hit they have to save a bunch of deck saves yes for every one of them because if they're all within a five foot wide path of each other of the middle guy if they're two and a half foot to the left or right of the chain dude then they're probably getting hit
all right let's roll some dice here what do I need to say what I need to beat it didn't say specific I'm like what number of the decks save was so I figured maybe you would just choose or beat my decks I don't know yeah let's just do that beat decks yeah fine all right so what's your decks?
12 that's a 19 that's a 20 12 that's a 9 yeah so two failed one crypto six oh wait no that's just the goblins I need to do so two of the goblins failed okay two of them succeeded and then the orc I'm gonna wait till you get them all figured
yeah orc failed and goblin and chains succeeded so I'll say the two that were holding him got zapped and failed and the orc failed I almost feel like the guy in the chains anyone touching the chains should probably be at a disadvantage because it's chains yeah correct I'll roll again for him 15 same number all right so yes he somehow miraculously survived
holding the chains failed and the orc in the back failed so all right let me roll damage yes 8d6 Jesus fucking Christ so half of that for the guys that saved the full amount for oh well good job on this combat yeah so that's three hell yeah five six eight two so that's ten eleven maybe not fourteen the fifth roll 21
24 that's right seventh roll 27 and then it looks like 32 damage at full didn't save and half of that for the ones that did so 32 for the ones that didn't save yes it's like 16 for the ones that did save
that's insane all right dad isn't it crazy how we rolled perfectly Jesus fucking Christ you gave me the ability I know I did what was the half damage? 16 as a half 32 as a whole you gave him that ability and then put two very conductive people if that ever goes and hit the chain one with the dark sword
I didn't know he was gonna for sure find the ring well that didn't work so wow okay so yeah but luckily one survived
for long so he's like sizzling right now so Duke you uh fucking blast every one of them fried to a crisp into the ground and then you see the goblin that was in chains in the front he like falls to his knee and he like stands up and he's like you son of a bitch
you see him pull out this potion and he drinks it and he like starts to like his skin like rips and he starts growing huge and like monstrous and you guys realize that this thing is growing to be big and monstrous his teeth grow he's got like spikes on his arms and he becomes goblinzilla and roars and gains back all of his hit points plus a little extra for his transformation
Goblinzilla! I'm gonna dagger him. I'm gonna dagger him so. He's mad. He's real mad. He's mad. I cooked him. I have a crowbar. I gave him my Godzilla breath. Fucking crowbar! I have oil of slipperyness.
Alright so that was his turn actually so all of his friends are fucking dead. His turn was waking up. His turn was yeah finally getting to where he needed to be after almost dying. Archie it is your turn after you just I guess you're still in the building but they underestimated my power. If you want to run out there if you want to cut around that's all up to you.
I guess I need to be. Which way is going to put me within 30 feet of this bastard? What's up? Be careful. Which way to run to get within 30 feet of him? So you can go out of the building and into your west as you step like about five feet around the building down south there's a road and then it cuts west across to like right where he is or you go around to where they all are going straight down. Ouch. I want to go right to where he is. So you're gonna you're gonna go like where the rest of the
mark or are you gonna cut around the building? Yeah you ain't with us yet. I don't think we can actually reach him like hand to hand. Yeah you guys can't reach him yet but it's just a matter of if you want to run to him or what you want to do. Yeah I want to go to him. Okay.
But if you got a ranged attack like a javelin or a spear. Yeah you got any ranged. The thing I can hit him with is one is either this fist of a broken arrow or water whip and they're both 30 feet. 30 feet? I don't think that will reach. He's about yeah he's about 60 feet from where you guys were.
Damn. Good thing I used the lightning bolt. 700 foot range. Yes so that's about it unless you got anything else that can help you out there. Okay flea stick you. Alright I'm going in with guiding bolt I'm about to smoke this one. What's the range on guiding bolt? 120 feet. Okay.
Oh yeah. What do I got to do? Um nothing I got to roll and then on hit target takes 46 radiant damage. Okay. Okay you have to go ahead and roll it. 8 plus. Oh yeah it'll be at the very top of your spells. Plus 5. So 13. That will not hit. Fuck. Yep he's a big boy.
Alright. That it? Can I still do anything? If you have bonus action. Oh I have bonus action. Okay you all gathered up together then you ran around the corner and smited him with a guiding bolt. Miss Muffin back to you. About 60 feet from him.
Is my sneak attack dash will that get me close enough to spill oily oil of slipperyness in front of him so he can't get to us? Um you can. My idea is like I'm going to run up to him dump it out and run back away.
So you can run 30 feet normal so if you used your cunning action for dash you wouldn't be able to run 60 feet but he is 60 feet from you so you'd have to run like you could run 30 feet drop the oil run 30 feet back if you'd like. Yeah that's what I'm asking.
Okay yeah you can do that if you want. Okay. Um yeah I guess that just happens. What's the oil of slipperyness do? I don't really. I don't remember what that does. Sticking black. It's thick and heavy in the container but it flows quickly upon or when poured the oil can cover medium or smaller creatures along with the equipment it's wearing.
Oh the creatures equipment. Um applying the oil takes 10 minutes. The affected creature then gains the effect of freedom of movement. So we'll just say if you pour that on the ground it's going to make movement speed half. Yeah that's what I was looking for.
That said it took 10 minutes to prepare. Well that's to put it on the animal. On the whole body. On the person in the creature. But if you're just going to pour it on the ground then it would just be oil poured on the ground.
I'm going to say I'm using it more silly. But wouldn't it just give the enemy that buff? It would just be lower. No because he wouldn't be applying it like technically to his. Oh he wouldn't be doing the 10 minute procedure. He would just be walking through some oil.
Yeah. But isn't it flammable? Um I doubt it. Alright so yeah you're going to pour your oil and run back to the group? Wait I found it. Alternatively the oil can be poured on the ground as an action when it covers a 10 foot square duplicating the effect of grease spell in the area for 8 hours.
So it slows and catches on fire. So yeah it slows the movement speed and can be inflamed. Yes. Yeah that's what I'm going to do. Alright good job. Good job. Alright so that kind of fills the street right there in that area.
Um Duke Crystal it's your turn then. Now there's a giant puddle of oil or grease basically on the ground. And how far away is this creature and the said grease? Uh the creature is about 60 feet and the grease is about 30 feet. There is actually, there is actually, it's my bad for not mentioning this but there is a halfling and he's kind of stuck on the other side of the oil mark.
Uh it doesn't, I mean there's not much you can do for that now. Oh so another survivor? But there is survivors yes on the street kind of like running back and forth and stuff because they're being. Wait a, oh okay so there is. Yeah there is one halfling survivor. I thought you meant one of the goblin survivors. No not a survivor.
Alright so uh I don't really have any good range stuff so I guess I'll try and. Any weapons to throw? Oh yoi. Your spear? I mean yeah. Your spear? I can throw a war hammer. She's a nil in there.
Well I guess I'll try and slightly flank around that pool of slipperiness and run my full 30 foot if I can get around it. It's like blocked in between. I mean you could but you'd have to go around the building and back down the other way. How wide is the street? 5 foot?
Um. But couldn't you jump like across and over like at an angle? Is about. Probably. 15 foot. 15 foot. Across there. So it's throwing something in action for Barbarian? Yeah. Can I jump over it? Yeah you can try to jump over it. My strength is pretty high yeah. That's a bonus action I believe. Jump is. So yeah go for it.
You want me to roll? Yeah strength athletics. So that's 9 plus 5. 14. Yeah you can jump over that. Some bitch ass oil pile. Yeah. Okay then I'll move my full 30 foot. And then I'm gonna. Throw hands with goblinzilla.
I guess I'll just yeet this warhammer as hard as I can on him. Alright. You yeet that shit. And it's just strength isn't it? Yeah essentially. Oof not a good roll. 11. 11 to hit? Yeah 11 to hit. That will not. No it's. He's got very thick skin. It hit ground.
He's like fuck. I'm tired from jumping. Um. Oh look. It's Goblinzilla's turn. Um. He can come at me if you're zapping him. I want it. Okay so Goblinzilla kind of is like you think I was little and now I'm big.
And he picks up a dead goblin next to him that's like all fried and electrocuted and just swings it at you and tries to hit you upside the head with this dead goblin. That is a 15. That hits. Yeah 17. Yeah 15 hits. Yeah the 17. Okay so he's. We're gonna have a knockout drag out. That's fine.
He does 8 damage. 8? Okay. I feel that. I feel that. As he just picks up a dead goblin and just fucking uses him like a club and smacks him with you. The goblin's body just kind of like rips apart as he hits you with it and you're covered in goblin guts. Nice.
Duke just stands up and eats a bite. Duke says thanks I'll have another.
Alright next up is not him but he's dead Archie. So I'm still 60 feet from him right? Yes sir. So I'd directly run up 30 feet and then use my water whip to try to pull him into the oil. Okay. Alright.
Try to yank him over to the oil. Good. Give the Duke a little bit of a turnaround to smack him in the back of the head. Alright so what is that? Don't I have to. Don't you have to like hit and I have to make a save to not be pulled or something? No I have to spin 2 key points and then you have to make a dexterity saving throw.
Fail to save the creature takes 3d10 budgeting damage plus an extra 1d10 budgeting damage for each additional key point. But I'm just going to spin. Okay. So deck save? Yes. Alright. 16, 18.
That's likely. Actually I'm going to do this. I need to kind of. Wait so I have to roll a dexterity save? Yeah deck save. Or wait no wait what? Do I have to roll? No I rolled a dexterity save. No he rolled. He got 18. I passed. So now you need to roll your damage and is it half damage or is it no damage if I save?
You saved like good save. Yeah it was good save but I might still take half damage. No saves are always half damage. Successful save the creature takes half as much damage. Okay so yeah you'll roll your 3. And I don't get to pull it or knock it. Yeah so you can do your 3d10 I think it was.
Wait which ones are the? It would be like the diamond looking ones so. Pyramid ass to ass. Yeah it should be the bear. The ridge for my picture. Yeah. Zero is the 10. Yep. Alright. 3 of them will take half the damage.
Goblinzilla will. 3. Okay. 3. 3? 3? 3. And an 8 so. No it's good. Alright. 14. 7. 7. 7. Okay so 7 damage. That's not too bad I guess. You dealt him with a water weapon. You slapped him in the face with a water weapon. That's kind of disrespectful.
It's like being hit with a wet napkin. It's a little fly swatter. Alright. Please stick. Your turn. Alright. Oil's 30 feet. Goblinzilla and or Goblinzilla is I guess Goblinzilla is about 40 feet now because he ran up to. He's approaching. Smack you with the thing as you jumped over the stuff and threw your thing at him. So yeah he's about 40 feet now.
Alright. Alright I'm gonna do. I need a deck save from you. Deck save? A sacred flame? Mm hmm. Okay. Blast it. Ooh that's weak. 5. 7. I'm not sure. Failed? Yeah he failed. Getting him with the radiant. You gonna light him on fire? Radiant? Yep.
Well the plan was to have him pull him into the oil and I was gonna set his ass on fire. I was gonna say I've got two flasks so like. Yeah. Aren't I right after him? If we can get it on the second round. Two damage. I think so. Two radiant. Two radiant damage? Not bad. You guys are kind of just pelting him as this big monster just keeps getting smacked with things.
Um. Ms. Muffin it is your turn. Yeah can I like double hand both my flasks at once and just be like. You can choose to throw one as your action. But not both at the same time? No. You can throw one. Are you trying to hit him? Yeah. Like hit him with the flasks? I guess you could try. This one's different. This one's an oil flask.
It's two on one. It's gonna be a dex and strength bow. It says it's a clay flask. It has one pint of oil. And you can use an action to splash the oil flask onto the creature within five feet of you or throw it up to twenty feet shattering it on impact. See? You can throw it like a grenade. Throw it up to five feet? No. Thirty? Or. You can throw the oil onto the creature within five feet of you or you can throw the flask itself twenty feet and shatter it onto the creature.
And shatter it onto the creature on impact. Okay. Are you trying to just cover it in oil to make it burn or something? Yeah. If the target takes any fire damage before the oil dries after one minute the target takes an additional five fire damage. Damn. Yeah. Okay. That's the plan. Ten turns of oil. Yeah. It would be a dex to throw it. The oil burns for two rounds. Okay. Do it. That would be a dex to throw it at him. So I need to make a dex roll? Yeah.
Got it one sec. I got this. It's a plus three. Plus proficiency and dex. Well it's eight plus three. Okay. So I rolled an eight plus five altogether. Eight plus five. Eight, nine, ten, eleven. Well not him. Damn. But wait you said you had to hit impact and it would shatter it onto him. Yeah. Yeah. Shatter it on impact. Okay. Then you would just hit the ground in front of him and it would shatter onto him. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Then yeah I guess you got oil on him. Nice. Onto his feet. So it's going to burn from bottom up. Yeah.
That works perfect. Okay. Yeah. So if you hit the oil pile in front of him yeah he'll do extra fire damage. Alright. Duke your turn. I guess you're actually covered in oil too. If it shattered on the ground right next to him. Sorry dude. I don't know what we did here now. He's going to clean up his water. I'm not concerned. Well yeah. No it's not flammable. It does deal extra damage to the person that got splashed on. So if it hits him with fire damage it will do extra fire damage to him. We can catch him on fire but not you.
Unless you catch the entire pool of oil that we're standing in on fire. He jumped over the oil. So he's on the other side of the oil. I'm going to pull out my whole dark greatsword. My bad Duke. Dark greatsword? Yeah. Okay as you pull it out you feel it vibrating. Like ready. Good. Okay. And what are we doing with this dude? I'm going to try and take off his goblinzilla head. Okay. Go for it. Roll to hit with this greatsword. So seven.
Plus seven. Fourteen. I will not hit. Not so great. What a place. Does it take from you? No he has to take blood. Blood for blood.
Alright. His turn. So I guess it's still just Duke up in his face. I should have reckless attacked. Mistakes.
Alright so he's going to do multi-attack. No! With a... He pulls out the skimitar and turns to swing at you. Wow! That's going to hit. The first one will hit. The second one will not.
So that is another... Three plus two. Four damage. Or five damage. Five damage. Five damage. I'm talking about total since the smash. Oh yeah. That's his dookie boy. He's a big boy. He gets in there. He dukes it out.
I told you he'd be a knockout target. He wanted vengeance. How far is he from me now? Ten feet. Did you run up or did you just hit from where you were? No I ran up. Thirty feet. Okay then he would be about ten feet in front of you over the gap of the oil.
Just duking him off. Yes. About ten feet. So you'd have to jump over or walk through and have to be movement speed would cut in half. Already? Well I'm going to try to jump over it. So I can get over there too. I mean you are able to walk through it and not be covered in oil. It's just a matter of it will cut your movement speed in half and it's flammable. It's not going to make me slip and fall. No. Well yes actually. Grease does make a dex save when you get on it. Yeah I was about to say don't chip the dex save. It's like a wave. Yeah. You're welcome.
So you can jump or you can walk. I'm going to jump over it. Okay. That's a strength athletics check. Which is good because it's good. Acrobatics. You aren't strength. You're dexterity monk. Wait what? What am I thinking of? No I have plus five acrobatics. He is proficient in athletics. That's the athletics. Yeah it's an MMA building shit. Jumping? Yeah. That ain't acrobatics. I'll have a plus two for athletics. I'll let you. He's proficient in athletics. I'll have a plus two. Okay yeah because I think athletics is just jumping. I don't think acrobatics does. Let's just try it. I'll press play.
Let's try it. Hot dice. Hot dice. 15 plus two. Yay. Yeah. You jumped clear over it. Alright. And now I'm going to. Standing right next to the big goblinzilla as he's like breathing heavy and just throwing hands into a big crystal. I'm a goblin. Now I'm going to whack the fuck out of him. Kick him towards the oil. Whack him off. Towards the oil. Whack him off. He's nice and loose. No. Oh god. Well it's a good thing it missed. Yeah go ahead. Off the table.
Oh my god it was worse. What is it? It's a three. Three? Alright. I won't hit it. Alright. I'm coming in and doing sacred flame. Are they going to. You gotta go for it. Are you going to. You can yell out something in combat. Is it going to hurt Duke Crystal and Archie? How close are you Duke? Sacred flame won't hurt anybody else. Can we light that bitch up?
I'll say even if you're about to set on fire I'm going to try to use danger sense to get out of the way with the deck saves. Awesome. Well you're just doing. It's yeah. Light that bitch up. Alright. Well this won't light anything on fire. Oh. It won't? No. Sacred flame is radiant light. Not actual fire. No this shouldn't call it flame. It's like a holy flame of light. Uh. He failed. He failed? Yes. Alright. We still fucked him up though. Five damage. Nice. Yeah.
Five damage. Shrugs it off. No. How dare you shrug off my damage. He won't shrug off my slice and dice and. Miss muffin. I'm going to freaking jump over the oil that I poured down and slice his ankles. Strength athletics dog. I have a plus one dagger and a sneak dash. Strength athletics dog. Okay one second. I have shorts for him.
I like how everyone jumped over the oil. My athletics is a minus one. Okay. I apologize. I'm sorry. And I lost my dice. What? Don't worry I found it. I figured I was going to be the guy that jumped over and. Three. Three? To jump over it? You did not jump over it. You tried to jump over it and you just kind of like don't go very far because you're not great at jumping.
You're not great at jumping and you're not very strong and you just kind of land right in the middle of the oil so you need to make a dex save to not fall down.
Nine plus three. Twelve. Um. Give me one second. That's right on the fence.
I like to try to do awesome things. What'd you get? Twelve. You fall prone. It was on the fence. And now you're covered in oil. Okay so Duke Crystal your turn big man. I'm not running through the sword again. Try.
Can Duke Crystal's sword light the oil? No. It's on fire. Well his point was. He has. Oh he sold it. Oh shit. I'm going to roll. He's just using the sword now instead of the fire mace. Um. Or fury.
Emerald fury that's what I'm thinking of. He's ending up with like. That is a 16. To hit? Yeah. Well not hit. Very shy. Oh no. Very shy. I'm scared.
You got anything else? Is that your. I need to. Damn I didn't reckless attack again. Get out of the oil. Keep forgetting. Are you going to rage or anything or are you just going on? I'll go ahead and rage. Use your cane and pull me out of the oil. Is it frenzy?
Frenzy. I don't know how it works. Is frenzy like the type of rage you have? Frenzy is what gives me a bonus attack. A bonus action attack. So do you have rage and frenzy or is it all just frenzy? I have to be rage to use frenzy. Oh okay. Alright.
It just gives me an extra bonus action attack during rage and gives me one level exhaustion if I do it. Alright. My normal rage just gives me a plus two damage with strength weapons and physical damage resistance. Okay. For ten turns.
Alright. Well. Good choice. Physical damage resistance because he reaches over to this halfling that was like cowering down and uses it as a weapon against you. That's a five. Why didn't he get out of there? As he can. He's stuck. That's an eight. So he. He missed the dude. Yeah he tries to reach over and grab this thing and it's like a little halfling. He uses his little nimbleness and kind of slips through his hands and he's just like. You little motherfucker I wanted to use you to kill this man.
And it takes off running down this alleyway as he slips away. I thought you were going to say he picks the dude up and just like whiff. Whiff the thorns. He whiffs it. He misses completely. Alright. Archie. Your turn.
Alright. I'm going to two hand swing this cane at him. Oh yeah. Crack it. Break his knee. I'm going to try. We'll see what happens. Yeah no. What is it? Nine. Nine? No. Damn. Oh no. Daniel. Alright. Please stick. Bad dice. Bad dice. Bad dice. Excuse me Bill. I'm going to have to grab one. Please stick. You can do it. It's your turn. Please stick. What's this dude doing right now?
I just tried to use a halfling to kill Duke and failed. And Duke and Archie are on this guy swinging. Alright I'm just going to use guiding bolt. I'm going to try and end this dude.
14 plus 5 so 19. That will hit. Definitely. Alright so. Four. How much? What is the? 46. 46. Plus 4. Plus 6. Plus 1. 15 damage. 15 damage. Good hit.
With what? Guiding bolt. So that will also leave advantage for the next person to hit him. Yep. Yep. So you get advantage on your next roll. Yeah so there's advantage on whoever hits him next.
Are you going to run up and attack? Well you got to get up so you got half your movement speed to move to him. But I believe you're able to. Plus I have sneak attack. Yes you can. You can make it. Alright what do I do? Just roll for it.
Are you going to sneak attack? Yeah I'm going to get out of the oil and still slice his ankles. Okay so roll to hit and do sneak attack because you actually have advantage from the guiding bolt. So roll to hit.
Is my tartanus a bonus action or is it just an action? Bonus. Okay. 17 plus 6 to hit. That will hit. Yes. Very good hit. Yes. Definitely hit.
Yeah. So roll your damage for it and then also roll your sneak attack damage. Okay so my damage is 1d4 plus 4. Okay. So I got 2 plus 4 on that one. Okay. And then my sneak attack is 2d6.
Okay. Now roll. You have to roll again to hit with sneak attack. 3. Right. Or no that's what Shreddy did. So I got 8 with that one. Okay so 8 with that one. 6 and 8. Good hit. Good hit. He's looking like he's bleeding a lot and he's feeling it. So. He should be.
Oh he's just sticking a bunch out of the shadows. It's like. Yeah it's like. Do crystal. I'll finish him. Finish him. Workless attack. Okay. I get advantage. That's advantage.
I got 18 plus 7. Okay. That's probably doing it. Yep. That will do it. And then 4d6 plus 6. So 5. 5 so there's 10. 12 and 17 plus 6. So. Damage. 23 damage. Smoked him.
So this sword you fucking come down with it hard. And like you. You're swinging this sword hard. But like you feel like this sword has more power behind it than it's supposed to as you come in and you literally go like through him.
Like down halfway through into this big thick body. Hot knife through butter. Into him. And then you just kind of pull it back out and like blood sprays all over the place as he falls over and roars in pain and falls to the ground.
And as you all lay there just kind of you know tired sweating bleeding blood everywhere on everyone. There's dead goblin guts all over Duke Crystal. And you can't feel help but look at your sword.
And then you start to feel the life force start to sap away a bit. And you lose two hit points as you feel a little bit of blood just kind of boil away in your body and seep into this sword's essence.
And as it whispers kind of like keep screaming in your ear and then you hear a dark voice that says good job.
Zero. The theme song is the intense fiddle by Ben Caldera.
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