Viewer Warning Use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and
alcohol use.
Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that follows four
not so average dummies of our world to get caught up in a magical storm and are transported
to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive and try to find a way back
home.
Who's starting us off?
Ryan!
Alright, which one?
I'll start, I'll just go this way.
Alright, go for it.
One of the Ryans.
Hey everybody, R2 here, Ryan Tucker.
Here I play Fleastick sockjelly.
I am the hobo trash master cleric of the group.
I am a MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, I escape from an Iraq trash prison getting knowledge of the trash gods.
Hey guys, Ryan, R1.
I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, he uses ungodly amounts of moisturizer to hide his wrinkles and appear
younger.
Hey, it's Nate.
My character is Duke Crystal.
He's a 32 year old drug addicted barbarian of the group.
And fun fact about Duke, he refuses to wear shorts just in case he loses his stash.
Gotta keep that gooch tight.
Hey my dudes, I'm Kelly Lee.
I play Miss Muffin.
She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact about Miss Muffin, she has 32 cats so far.
Hi, I am Trisston Hayes and I am the dummy master.
And my fun fact is, spread across their entire lifetime, the average person spends about
one full year sitting on the toilet.
Oh my god.
Nice.
Not unless they're Amish’s .
Unless you got IBS.
What?
If they use an outhouse.
That's still a toilet.
It's usually a hole in the ground.
If they have Crohn's disease or lactose intolerant, it may be a year and a half to five years.
Yeah, let's just say five.
Okay, well, I guess we're going to take off where we left off.
You guys decided to take a short rest of the last one and kind of kick your feet up and
take a relaxing moment before you go after the Wizard of Light.
Yeah?
Flea stick sock jelly.
As you go into your bedroom to just kick back and do what you need to do here.
Yes, I need to meditate.
Meditate.
So as you go back to your bedroom and you go to meditate, you come to your room and
you're in front of your bed and you kind of sprawl out the trash on the floor and how
does this look for a flea stick to meditate to his trashed prey?
It's looking pretty good.
Pretty beautiful.
Getting down on his knees and...
Oh, that would be...
It's looking pretty good.
It's pretty good, my guy.
All right, I get down on my knees.
I'm just sitting there.
I hold my hands out, wave it over the trash.
Just feeling it sourcing the energy of the trash.
I just hold it in and cry out to the rumpky trash gods.
No!
To the rumpky trash gods.
Okay, so as you do sit and you perform all this and you're praying to the almighty rumpky,
you hope to hear a call back from the gods, but you don't get a call back as in a voice,
but you do feel the trash kind of pulse and as you wave your hands across to keep meditating,
the trash starts to disintegrate and turn into an energy of magic and flows back into
you and you are able to regain a spell slot as you're able to meditate with your trash
and gain back spell slots.
Hell yes.
Excuse me.
There we go, there's that.
So you're resting up.
Is there anything anybody else is doing special while they're trying to take their rest?
Moisturizing.
Moisturizing, she's moisturizing.
Smooth.
I need to feed my cats some tuna.
Feeding cats.
I'm sharpening the trench knife with a rock.
Sharpening the trench knife.
Okay, good, good deal.
Keep it A+.
All right, so you guys kind of get your things back, gather back up together and get your
things figured out and get ready to go.
What's up, Claire, level three?
Am I level four or three?
Three.
I think you guys are all level three.
Level three.
I got 1360 XP, so we should be around there.
All right, so you gather your things up and you kind of start to step outside and make
your way towards the Wizard of Light.
Is there anything that you guys want to do in the town before you leave?
Anything else like stop by the stores, talk to anybody special, anything at all?
Yeah, I might see if there's anybody I talk to in the cathedral.
Into the cathedral?
Arena.
Which town are we in again?
Darkhaven, the emo town.
Let's go to the temple.
Yeah, okay, cathedral, temple, let's go.
I'm going to go to the temple and check it out.
Okay, you guys are going to go to the temple.
All right, so as you open the doors inside, you can see Lilith Darko kind of standing
there still chanting and throwing her hands up.
You see a quick glimpse of a hatch in the floor starting to close as Lilith spins around
real quickly and looks at you guys and says, oh, what are you guys doing here?
What are you guys doing?
Did you go after the wizard?
Did you take him out?
What's happening?
What's underneath that trap you just dropped there?
Do a persuasion check.
Split personality disorder.
Two.
Let me just put a beam on him.
No sidestepping or anything in persuasion?
Oh, yeah, shit.
Plus five, wow, seven.
Seven?
Okay, you failed.
Damn.
She goes, don't worry about what that is right now, honestly.
It's something we're taking care of.
It's been a problem for a while, but don't worry about that.
You guys go handle the Wizard of Light and we'll see what happens with this.
Okay.
Nonchalantly tells Hazel to go sniff it.
Go sniff it?
Go investigate that, Hazel.
Okay.
Hang on.
She's a cat, so.
She's a smart cat.
She comes back and she doesn't have anything.
Imagine it.
She can't talk to you.
She goes meow.
You don't know what I know.
And then moves on.
You're like a girl.
All right, so yeah, you guys do know that there's a hatch in the...
How many people are in this room?
Yeah.
There's like Lilith Tharko at the podium doing her thing, and then there's like a line of
people down the edges, always there, kind of chanting and doing their thing with Lilith.
It's possibly going to dose them with the cube.
It's a Latinus cube.
There's a lot of people in this place.
No dose and only dust.
Go about our business then.
Go about your business.
We'll come back.
We'll be back.
They're going to clear it out.
Yeah.
Well, let's see.
We'll see what happens.
Clear out many, hopefully not big, bad, big bone creatures.
That was a real sus explanation about what was going on.
How about one of you try and persuade her since I suck at it?
I only have intimidation as an option.
Intimidate her to show us what's in there.
Intimidate her.
You want to intimidate these people?
I can possibly.
You asked us to help you and you're hiding stuff from us?
You want me to give up persuasion?
Let's just go take down the wizard and we'll come back and say we want what's in there's
payment.
And if they refuse, then I intimidate.
Yeah.
That works.
Sure thing.
I'll reinforce my intimidation act if we take down the white wizard.
The white wizard.
Oh boy.
Clan boss.
Gandalf the White will die.
Are you done in the town then?
Are you going straight for the wizard now?
Why not?
Okay.
You guys look off into the distance and you see the tower with the light beacon at the
top and you start to make your way towards the wizard's tower of light.
As you approach, you see a super tall, like five story building tower, this circular building
going straight up.
A long set of stairs that head up to the first entrance of the building.
You can see like some windows higher up, but not any other like entrance points other than
the front door.
What would you like to do as of now?
Anything special before you try to jump in this piece?
How high up did you say it was?
It's five stories high, so about 10 foot each.
Each story.
It's a good click.
50 feet.
50 feet is the only entrance?
No, the entrance is on the ground, but I'm saying it's 50 feet high.
My goody bag ain't got nothing for that.
Not that kind of shirt.
Let me see if my bat boat has anything.
Maybe we can trick them by knocking on the door.
You can certainly try.
I'll try knocking on the door then.
Okay.
Go ahead and knock.
As you knock, you hear a voice from the back of the other side of the door that says, who
are you and what are you doing in the Tower of Light?
I boot the door open hard.
You boot the door open hard?
Yeah, you kick the door open and you see like two statues standing over by a set of stairs
and they're like, we weren't in front of the door if you were trying to kick us.
What are you doing here?
That ruined my climatic entrance.
We weren't in front of the door.
Well, you should have been.
We're here to see what's up.
Yeah.
Where is the Wizard?
That's it.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I think that was.
What's happening is that the Wizard of Light is here today, but I don't think he's expecting guests.
Oh, he is.
Is there a reason for why you're here?
To speak to the Wizard.
We've got an unscheduled appointment.
We're old friends.
Yeah.
Okay, roll Persuasion, Duke and Archie.
But I flex when I do it.
Duke and Archie.
I flex.
Well, that turns into an intimidation.
Yeah, go ahead.
So, Duke, do intimidation, Archie, try Persuasion, see if you can talk them out of it.
I'm proficient, so hey, you want me to roll advantage on it?
You can just add your proficiency.
Okay.
Whatever works.
I'm going to roll a soap and he let me cheese.
Okay, so that's an 18.
18?
Intimidation.
Archie.
A five.
Five?
Okay.
So, he looks at you, like, flex your muscles, and it's not like he's a...
You know what?
Yes, it is.
You see a bead of, like, somehow water seep out of the forehead of the statue.
It's like a little bit of sweat dribbling down his forehead.
He's like, uh, okay, the one flexing, you're all right, I guess.
That's what's happening.
So, you guys can go through, but just don't let your other friend talk to anybody, because his words were weird, okay?
And then you guys are allowed to pass through.
Weird worded gay.
You're allowed to pass through up to the first floor of...
Hell yeah.
I'm gonna kill them.
Shoot at my muscle.
He said that the stone starts leeching up some water.
Was that nervous sweat?
Condensation.
Was it nervous sweat?
Yes, you're dang right.
He said, you're all right, but all the rest of you, nah.
Okay, so as you walk past them, you go up these cylinder spiral stairs that just keep going up to the next floor.
Creepy.
And you walk into this room and it's like full of...
You see a bunch of just like junk scattered across the floor.
Like it looks like...
Oh god, I didn't think of that.
It looks like old books, like old barrels just kind of smashed onto the ground.
There's like papers lying everywhere.
That's trash.
Are you looking for some trash here?
I don't know what you'd like to do.
I just stuff some in your pack.
Roll me an investigation check.
D20?
Yeah.
Eight.
Eight? Too much investigation.
So you find...
Seven.
Seven? Okay.
So you don't find any trash that's like intact still worthy of like being...
Scraps?
Yeah, like being undid or anything.
You'd have to do reverse alchemy.
It's a whole lot of what you see here.
You can tell this is obviously just a junk room.
This is a storage room.
There's a set of stairs in the middle of the room that spiral up.
If you'd like to go ahead and continue, anything else you'd like to do.
Spiral up the stairs, please.
Yeah, let's get it.
If not, I was going to set all that on fire.
But we will wait.
Dancing all the way up the steps.
Yeah.
It's tripwire.
Okay, so as you walk up into this area, you get to sense real quick by the smell of food and such in this room.
This is a kitchen of sorts.
There is like a dumb waiter in the wall, like to lower food up and down through the floors.
There's like a food storage, a wine bottle storage, a little washroom all across this room.
And there's like walls intersecting almost like in between in the circles and the bigger circles.
But this is most definitely a kitchen of sorts.
Nobody seems to be inside here as of yet that you've noticed.
And a big set of stairs in the middle that you came up continue up further.
Anything else?
I'm smashing a bottle of wine in my gullet.
You're smashing it?
Smash it?
Not smash it.
You're like, oh, she'll choke.
Take that shit down.
Oh, show.
I mean, they've got free wine.
So you've got to grab a wine bottle off of the wall.
Uh-oh.
And when you grab the wine bottle, you go to drink it as soon as you go to pour it into your mouth,
it teleports out of your hand and spawns back onto the wine bottle.
Ooh.
What?
In the sink bottle?
So maybe leave it on the rack and kind of tip it in.
Break the end off.
Yeah.
Are you going to try that?
Try and break the tip off?
They might fight us, the wine bottles, if I go attack them.
Uh.
You're just going to leave it be and then mist it in for now?
I guess I'll just tip it over and drink it while I have the bottom.
I mean, you could roll Kana, if anyone has Arkana, or you can...
I'm going to strength hold it.
I'm just going to like...
Just try and force it to go to stay.
Okay, try it.
Give me a strength check.
See if you can grip this so powerfully that magic can...
But gently.
It's glass.
I don't want to bust it.
But gently.
Powerfully, but gently.
That is an unnatural 20.
Unnatural 20.
Okay, so...
Unnatural 20.
So yeah, you grab a hold of it and you're holding it so tightly.
You got a good grip.
There's bottles not going anywhere.
And as soon as you get it to your mouth, you feel like, oh yeah, this is it.
This is the spot.
And then it teleports out of your hand and lands back in the wine.
I smashed the entire wine rack.
Okay.
Give me...
Roll a de-twink.
I'll drink it off the floor.
Roll it to hit, to attack, so whatever your pluses are.
So we're going to hit it with the old Emerald Fury.
Fury Emerald Fury.
That would be Emerald Fury.
16, is that it?
No, boil it.
Yeah, so you go to hit and you smash the shelf and you're raging, just beating the shelf to pieces.
And as you destroy the shelf, the bottles are literally floating still where the shelf would be,
as if the bottles of wine are all still intact, even though the shelf is gone.
So you're getting a sense that something magically just holds these here until the right magic person wants it,
as in probably the Wizard of Light.
Like everything here is bound to his power.
I pee on the bottles.
Okay.
Good boy!
He may be upset, but that works because they can't get away.
The bottles can't escape.
Good, he's going to be like, why does my wine smell like pee?
All right, is there anything else you'd like to do in this place?
The bottles are going to just go in the bottle real fast before they teleport.
He just pulls me up on the wall.
That'd be hilarious.
That was upsetting.
I'm just ready to leave, after that I urinated and I'm good.
All right, so we got to go up the stairs to the next floor then I guess?
Yeah.
I just picture him sitting there like, hanging on four heads.
He's just like, I'm out of here.
Yeah, that wizard, if you guys...
Whatever happens if he tries to use that bottle, he's going to be pissed.
Wait, if we kill him, will the bottles be normal and I peed on them for nothing?
Maybe.
He's still drinking, find out.
They'll probably all just fall and smash.
I mean, they're all mine, I guess.
All right, as you go up to the steps,
you get up and you notice ahead of you a huge dining table.
And you notice two half-circle areas going off of the main room, hanging off the edge.
One of them seems to have some kind of magical greater circle,
like runic symbol flashing inside of it.
Then there's another room, on the left side of the room you see chairs lining in a circle in a room.
This is definitely a dining hall of sorts.
There's a small little side table with some notes on it and such and books on the shelves.
Then there's a long stairwell going up the side of the room that goes up to another floor.
What would you like to do in here?
There's also the big runic circle outside on the edge balcony thing.
I would expect a bookshelf.
Bookshelf?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, give me an investigation or perception.
We're just going to look it over.
Twenty.
Natural twenty?
Mm-hmm.
Which one? Investigation?
Yeah.
Okay.
It doesn't matter, really.
Natural twenty is natural twenty.
All right, so you kind of guide your hands across and you find some scrolls of...
Okay, so yeah, you search through there and you find a level three scroll of lightning bolt.
And you also find a scroll of a level three fireball.
So yeah, there's that.
Anything else you'd like to do in here?
Did you say something about a...
What did you say about the circle on the floor?
Yeah, in the outer balcony area there, there's a triangle with little circles in it,
like a runic magic circle.
I'd like to investigate that.
Okay, go ahead and give me...
You're going to investigate, you're going to look at it, you're going to touch it,
you're going to percept it.
Let me see here.
Okay, I'm doing perception roll.
Okay, so you're just going to kind of walk up and take a look and see what's happening.
Yeah.
Okay.
Give it to me.
What the fuck?
Natural one?
Yeah.
Okay, so as you walk up to check the runic symbol,
you're taking a few steps and then you don't see the little stairs that kind of step down,
like two or three little stairs, and you trip and you fall on it,
and you teleport away into a new area.
Wrong!
We'll deal with you in a second.
Actually...
We'll deal with you later.
No, we won't.
We'll deal with you now.
So...
I'm scared.
You teleport and you spawn up into another room,
and ahead of you, you see...
You see almost like a bedroom, that's what it looks like.
There's a little...
Off to the side, there's a little doorway that has carpet,
really nice carpet rug laid across it,
a big circle room with a bed at the end with torches sitting next to it.
The middle of the room, there is a desk,
and on the far side you see a set of stairs and another little magic circle on the ground,
it's like a fireplace up ahead,
and then behind you, you see another set of stairs.
So that is you right now in there.
Now we'll get back to you in a second.
I'm scared.
You guys, do you want to do anything else in this room?
I'm messing with the circle.
I'm messing with the circle?
Did you say there was a note laying on the bed?
Yes, there are notes laying on a desk in there.
Can I check those out?
Yeah.
So you walk up, you pick up the notes,
and you see a lot of scribblings about how to make food more magically nutritious,
how to make food more magically better for yourself,
lots of notes on magic and food.
You can tell that this guy's got rooms set up for specific things,
and he likes to study specific things in those rooms.
Anything else?
The floor circle.
You're going to deal with the floor circle too?
Yeah, we've got to find out where Archie went.
Okay.
It's fine. What are you going to do?
You're going to percept it?
You're going to go look at it over?
You're going to touch it?
Investigate it?
He wanted to look at it first, so let him go.
No, he said he didn't want to touch it.
Oh, I thought he said he was going to...
He said, I want nothing to do with that thing.
Well, I'm going to...
Selective hearing, right?
You're going to percept it?
Yep, I'm going to percept it.
Perception it.
All by my dang self.
I'm not the safe people type.
I'm trying to think handballing it.
13 plus 3.
So you can tell that by looking at this thing, it's a teleportation circle.
Wow.
I'm going to jump in it so I can be with Archie.
Okay, you jump in it, and you are standing next to Archie in the same room that I described before.
What up, bro?
You know what I'm going to do when he gets back to me?
What?
Go back in the circle and go back to the other room.
It's a one way trip.
Yes, there is no other circle in this room.
There is another magic circle across the room, but that's not where you came in to.
Oh, yeah.
You just kind of spawned in.
It's getting deeper and deeper again.
So it's up to you, yeah, kind of how that goes.
I'm going to jump in.
Let's get ready.
All right, so you two teleported up there.
What are you guys going to do?
There is the stairs in that room still that go up.
I go upstairs.
See if it comes to us.
Go up the stairs.
You go up the stairs?
All right, you go up the stairs, and lo and behold, there is Archie and Miss Muffin.
Yes, should have jumped the portal.
Should have done it.
We're not landing.
Yes, he just has some portals.
So in this room, as I described before, there is a desk in the middle.
There is what looks like a little globe kind of sitting there.
The bedroom and the little runic circle over there in front of the stairwell.
I'll go to the desk.
Okay, give me an investigation on that desk.
Sixteen.
Sixteen?
Good.
So you look at the notes and you're like, you can definitely tell that he was panicking.
Like this is getting serious writing here.
Like this is his, he's writing in the desk here in his own personal bedroom.
He's got scribbles of the magical surge that happened in the areas and how it can alter
things magically without, like without any, him actually doing anything with it.
Like he's wanting to know how to change things magically through the sheer force of magic,
like just changing things.
And you can tell that this writing is very stern.
Like he's serious about this, what he's trying to do.
This guy is wanting to use magic to change lots of things into a way of light of his
perception of light.
So, yeah.
Okay.
Anything else?
I'm going to immediately run and just freaking dive right into the next circle.
I'm going to search the bedroom.
Okay.
Do search.
Give me a deck save.
A deck save?
Yeah.
He tricked you.
That you used to hit and, oh, convenient little vocals.
Fourteen plus three.
Fourteen plus three?
Yeah.
And you go to literally just dive onto that next portal and you just hit the ground and
hit the thing and you realize that this is not a teleportation portal.
This is a magic trap as it begins to like light up and ignite to blast you off.
And you're going to take.
Oh, wow.
So, you're going to take one damage because you saved.
So, you take half of this.
That ain't too bad.
It was worth it.
So, there you go.
So, you take light, like a beam of light kind of just radiates off of it and hits you.
Meow.
Actually, you're wearing your cloak, aren't you?
Yep.
You're going to take three damage.
Total?
Yes.
Because when you're wearing your cloak, you are vulnerable to light damage.
Dang it.
Move that thing.
I literally said that would never matter.
We're literally fighting a light wizard.
That won't matter.
It's a lizard.
Okay.
All right.
Now all that's left is the stairs and, you know, other stuff across the room if you want
to search anything else.
The bathroom.
You might want to take that off and put it in your bedroom.
The bedroom?
Okay.
You want to give me perception and just look over the room, see if there's anything special?
Sure.
That is 15.
15?
So, you can see a lock box on his desk in the room.
It's definitely locked, but there is a lock box sitting on top of his desk.
Can I strength the lock?
You can try.
Go for it.
You can usually try and rip the chest open.
Yeah.
18.
18?
So, you grab a hold of it and as you start ripping it and pulling it, the bolts on it
start snapping and you rip it open and then it teleports and slams back shut and locks
again.
Oh, God.
I'm going to test if I can move the chest or if it goes right back to the table.
Okay.
You guys pick it up and throw it across the room.
I'm just going to pick it up and hold it a couple foot away for a second.
So, as you're holding it, if you're just standing there, it doesn't do anything.
It stays in your hand.
Walk away five steps.
Okay.
It teleports back into the desk stand.
Okay.
We'll come back for that, I guess.
Not until we take down the wizard's magic that's protecting all of it.
Get to the wizard.
Well, the lock is off of it.
You shatter the lock.
It just doesn't want to be open.
Can you peek in it at least to see what's in it?
You could try, but it's kind of plain close.
Someone with a good sleight of hand might be able to get in there and pull stuff out before.
I'm sneaky.
You can try.
Strength ain't going to work.
It's too fat.
It might close on your hand and take some fingers.
You've got to think this thing is magically closing.
It's not just like someone closing it.
It's just like a mouth.
Let's just come back.
We'll come back.
Okay.
Going up the stairs then to the next zone in this tower.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
As you step up the stairs, you hear the mumbling and the grumbling of the Wizard of Light.
He's kind of walking back and forth.
As you step up in these stairs, you see two doorways, one right ahead of you and one to the left.
You hear the Wizard in there and he goes, oh, come on, Aethon, come on.
He goes, you're the Illuminated.
You're Illuminated.
You're going to bring light.
You can't figure out how to fix a damn telescope.
He starts walking around and rummaging through his notes again and stuff.
What would you guys like to do in this situation?
He has not noticed you.
You're in a room and then directly in front of you of the stairs is a doorway to a smaller room.
Is the door closed?
No, it's just an open doorway, a stone wall and a gap.
So there's two rooms, one that he's in and one that's out.
If you peek into the room he's in, you see a very large telescope.
This is kind of like an observatory.
When you peek through that doorway, that half of the room is open on top.
He's looking out through a telescope, like a huge one, out the top of it.
There's a desk with notes and such.
The other room looks like a little storeroom with some books and such in there.
Okay.
So what are we going to do?
We're just going to go fuck him up.
We're ready to fuck him up.
Let's do it.
Okay, so are you going to just charge into the room then?
Jump up on this wizard.
Surprise.
Okay, so as you guys charge into the room, Athon, the wizard of light, Athon the illuminated,
he kind of jumps in a scare and turns around.
He goes, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
What are you guys doing here?
He goes, why are you, why did they let you in?
How did you even get in here?
He just flexed the muscles again.
He goes, okay.
He flexed at my statues and they just let you in?
Yeah, damn right.
He goes, damn it.
All right, now I'm going to have to replace those.
They've been slacking a lot.
One of them, I even have been seeing him cry.
I didn't think statues could cry.
I made him sweat.
You made him sweat?
Yeah.
Yeah, there's something wrong with that.
I'm going to replace those.
And he doubles back and just kind of steps back and forth and goes back to his telescope looking through it.
And he's looking through it and he's like, man, I just wish I could figure this out.
I wish I could figure this out.
And he kind of gestures to you, Miss Muffin.
And he's like, will you take a look through this?
Will you just take a look through this and tell me what you see?
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah?
Okay, give me a perception check as you go and you peek through the telescope.
Twenty.
Natural twenty?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Swear to God.
I swear, look.
Wow.
Okay, so this is big.
You didn't expect this, did you?
No, this is insane because I did expect it and I wrote a special fucking thing down.
And I'm like, if they get a natural twenty while looking through this, this is what's
going to happen.
This is going to be awful.
So you look through it.
Space Invader.
And immediately as you look through this thing, you're not looking up into space or you're
not looking up into anywhere else.
You're looking at your hometown.
Oh.
You're looking at where the parade was and you see destroyed floats, people kind of just
walking around picking up pieces.
And then with your natural twenty, you're kind of showing, looking through this.
And then you see four people, there's like a tiefling, there's the ones that look, your
counterparts you saw in the silhouettes, the shadows when you were transported here.
They're walking around the streets and they're whipping people and smacking them around and
turning them around and like ordering them to do things and all this.
And then as you're looking through it, you see them kind of look up almost at the telescope
where you're looking at your view.
And then you kind of step back from it as you just noticed all of this happening inside
your hometown through this telescope.
Aethon sees you jump back and he's like, well, what did you see?
What did you see?
You'll never believe what I saw.
He goes, exactly.
That's exactly what I said.
You'll believe what I saw.
He goes, but the magic surged.
And when it did, it made my telescope not be seeing space anymore because I wanted to
see what was up there.
I wanted to see the stars.
He goes, but now, now I see whatever the hell this is.
It's my home.
He points through it again.
He goes, what even is that?
And it's like, it's like a car, like with four wheels driving around.
What is that?
Because that's some kind of a carriage not being pulled by a horse or nothing.
So you guys kind of get the sense that this is why he's been going mad.
Why he's been so delicately trying to figure out how to change things with magic because
he's...
Has he tried turning down the magnification?
Yeah.
He goes, oh yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I tried to turn down the magnification.
He goes, it didn't do anything.
All I see is this.
If you look through this, this is all I see because I can't give any explanations.
He goes, but this is all I see.
So you kind of have now...
You know the emos, Lilith Darko had visions and is willing to give you any information
she can on what is happening.
And you know that the Aethon, the illuminated does not have any information on why this
is happening or what caused it, only that his telescope is messed up.
What do you guys choose to do with this as he just continuously goes to work without
acknowledging you guys?
I feel like either smashing him or smashing the telescope.
I think we probably shouldn't smash the telescope.
We should probably just smash him.
I think we're gonna smash something.
You're gonna smash him.
You can roll your attack.
You won.
He's completely disregarded you.
Don't smash the telescope.
That's how we can see him.
I'm gonna smash him while he's distracted with his work and I'm gonna crack him in the
back of the head with the Emerald Fury ball.
We'll make sure to light it right before I block it.
This guy may be there only to get home.
Maybe.
That's a quiver.
I don't care if we go home or not.
So you better take point.
You know...
You have to wrangle me out.
I have 31 cats waiting for me at home that I hope are still alive.
They already hate each other for sure.
You know that both have...
You know that Lilith Darko and the emos have information.
This guy doesn't necessarily have any information.
He doesn't know what's going on.
He doesn't even know why he's seeing it in the telescope.
Yeah, he just has a telescope.
But he has the view to our world.
Well we don't have to destroy the telescope.
Just because we killed him doesn't mean...
Keep the telescope.
I'm cracking him.
But is the telescope...
Do I get advantage for being right behind him?
No, it's coming through.
Sure, yeah, because he's distracted.
Protect the telescope I guess.
Where's the ray of light coming from that he's...
That's just on top of this tower.
Okay, so that's...
They could like dive Soron.
But for light.
Okay, so it looks like a 24 to hit.
Is this the best one I have?
I'm going to say it does.
Why are we beating him up?
Okay.
You're sent here to kill him by Lilith Darko, the emos.
He's doing some crazy stuff, magically.
Alright, so damage looks like 8 plus 1 fire, so 9 in total.
8 plus 1 fire, 9 in total.
Okay.
Good hit.
Now we're going to roll initiative.
Oof, not good.
2.
Don't forget to add your initiative bonuses.
Oh, snap, I forgot.
5 altogether.
Okay.
I'm going to do some real quick stuff.
Everybody wants to give me their initiatives, go ahead.
19.
5.
Okay.
3.
Yeah, what'd he do?
9.
Alright.
Alright!
But I did hit him first, so.
He's not happy, I'm sure.
The hammer.
Yeah.
Actually, it's a...
Yeah, it's 9.
Alright.
So that would mean first up is Archie Ortiz with a 19.
Alrighty.
I'm just going to go ahead and start this off strong.
And I'm going to try to hit him with the Fist of Unbroken Air.
Oh, okay.
Starting off strong strong.
I don't remember all the rules for that one, so.
I believe it is a spell slot I have to use.
I think it's to make a save on it.
Yeah.
Still gets shoved back no matter what, I think.
Alright, let's see if I even hit him.
I don't even know if you have to hit him.
Oh.
7.
I don't know if I have to hit either.
It might just be each poplet.
He might just have to make a save no matter what.
I can tap on the thing.
Create a blast professor.
You can spend 2 key points and choose a creature within 30 feet.
The creature must make a strength saving throw on a field save.
The creature takes 3 D10 bludgeoning damage plus an extra 1 D10 bludgeoning damage for
each additional key point you spend.
You can push the creature up to 20 feet away and you knock it prone.
On a successful save, the creature takes half as much damage and you don't push it or knock
it prone.
So I don't have to roll for it?
No.
As long as he's within 30 foot, you target them.
Yeah.
And then he has to make a strength save.
If not, then he takes full 3 D10.
Yeah, 3 D10.
And he flies back and goes prone.
Okay, so you're using Fist of the Unbroken Heir?
Yeah.
Okay, we're going to start this kind of over.
So Fist of the Unbroken Heir.
So I need to make a what?
Strength save?
Strength.
DC something.
What's your DC?
Oh, is it just whatever, beat his strength?
Is that what it is?
Probably not.
It's probably...
Sometimes it's strength saving throw, yeah.
So what's your DC?
My DC is...
Probably your wisdom, because he's a monk.
So whatever your wisdom modifier is.
Ah, crap.
It would be your spellcasting stuff.
Wisdom.
I have...
What's this say?
Let me see it.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, you're good.
Plus 2, so 15.
Okay.
So I've got to roll over 15.
19.
Ah, shit.
All right, so he still takes half of 3 D10.
And he doesn't go prone or push back.
Let me roll these.
So half of whatever you roll.
That one.
Oh, 3 of those.
2.
1.
2.
4.
Wow.
So that was 5.
What do you want to do, round up or round down on half of 5?
Half of 5?
That's all you got was 5 damage.
3 D10 and got 2, 2, and 1.
I'll give you up.
3.
What is this?
3 damage.
Yeah, 3.
That's freaking tragic.
I just used 2 key points for nothing.
3 damage.
Tragedy.
Maybe that was the gems.
I'm glad if I had used something else in Road of the Seven it wouldn't have been so I guess
all is right.
I might go all out too.
So he did 5 more damage to him.
Smacky, smack, smack.
Flee Stake, it's your turn.
Right?
You done?
Archie?
You're done with your turn, right?
I can do anything else.
Flee Stake, your turn pal.
Alright, I'm going to do...
Cleric being empowered by his new...
Sacred Flame.
Power of Trash.
That's a deck save, correct?
Yep.
Oh yeah.
What's your DC?
13.
13?
Wait, hold on.
13.
Oh it is.
Okay.
Alright, 13.
That is a 5 plus 1, 6.
Failed.
So that's what?
1d8.
Yep, d8 of damage.
Radiant damage.
8.
8 damage?
Max damage.
Good hit.
8 damage.
Smoked.
Spellcaster.
Okay.
So it is 8 on the illuminated's turn.
He's like, what are you guys doing?
Why are you doing this?
Hitting me in the head and stuff.
He goes, alright.
And snaps his fingers.
And you hear in the other room next to you this rumbling and then a spirit of light steps
through the room and joins the fray.
You're just being so mean to him.
Okay.
He rolled a 15 on his initiatives.
He'll go up next turn.
Next round.
So that was his turn calling in his spirit of light.
Miss Muffins, your turn.
I want to be all like, dude why are you casting light on all these emotes?
They don't like it.
He says, well they're the ones who worship the darkness and I'm not about the darkness
so I'm going to get rid of that dark.
That's all there is to it.
We got to kill you for that.
You're going to have to die.
You're going to have to get out of here, man.
I don't know if he's going to get out of here.
There's a bunch of dogs just barking crazy.
Alright, Duke, it's your turn.
You be all like, it's not up to you and slice and dice him.
Let's see.
It's probably going to take up my turn but it will.
Half gram of the math.
Shorten it.
Why?
And then rage him.
Supercharge.
And then rage as well?
Yes.
So that will be advantage on attacks or what?
How does that work?
Strength checks?
Bonus action, plus two damage with strength weapons plus physical damage resistance.
You get bonus action, don't you?
Like frenzy strike or something?
That's if I do a frenzy rage, which I am going to do.
That one gives me a bonus action during rage, which you said the math also did a second
attack from it.
So now I have three attacks.
Two attacks and a bonus action attack.
But the frenzy will leave me with one level of exhaustion after my rage is over.
Okay.
Good deal.
Well, I guess I could use my frenzy bonus action.
Well, you use bonus action to rage.
True, but since it's frenzy rage it wouldn't give you another one?
No.
Okay.
It's already your action.
End of turn.
Archie, your turn.
Oh, what?
She went.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She talked.
Alrighty, well, I'm going to freaking swing this cane out of his face.
At the...at athond or the spirit of light?
Athond.
Okay.
He's going to get it.
Get it to him.
Oh, god.
11.
I'm going to pull up my sheet.
No, it will not hit.
Can I...no, never mind.
You have to hit first before you get it.
End of turn.
Flee stick, I believe.
Oh, nope.
It is the spirit of light's turn.
Oh snap.
Okay, so...
Oh, fuck.
This thing teleports right up next to you guys because it can go and can move to a space
of one hostile creature space and stop there.
So it moves to that space and just stays there and it's almost into you.
It's just forming around you.
That was its move was to use that to get up there.
Flee stick, now it's your turn.
Alright, I'm going to whack that dude with my flea mace.
Whack that dude.
Actually...
Whack that dude off.
Yeah, let's whack that dude off.
Which one, with the aethon or the spirit of light?
Aethon.
Okay.
Crack fail.
Really?
Yep.
Wowza.
Okay, so you go and you go to swing at him and you miss and you smack the telescope behind
him and you smack it and it cracks a little bit down the middle.
It's not broken completely but it is cracked.
So alright, it's aethon's turn.
It's his turn to actually do something.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
He is going to use burning hands.
Which is no fun for any of you.
So you need to make a dext...
Oh so let's see, who all ran up?
Duke ran up and hit him in the back of the head, you hit him in the back of the head,
you hit him in the back of the head, Kelly stayed back and talked.
So you three need to make a dexterity saving throw.
Me?
Um, all three of you.
Is it one I can see?
Yes, you can see him.
I can see what's coming at me.
He's holding his hands out about to shoot flames.
Well then I get advantage on it.
It's a danger sense.
So...
You need to make a beat of 14.
I got an 8 so I'm taking whatever it was.
I also got an 8.
Is this dex safe?
19.
19, ok so you uh, you like throw your shield up, your trash can lid and just like hop up
in between it and like do a Captain America like, like get smacked with it.
And you two both stand there and go to jump out of the way and get hit.
So we need to roll a damage.
Good on me, I'm safe.
Wow you got lucky.
Five damage, five fire damage.
3d6, you got five.
I got an album.
Half maybe?
Yes actually you do take half so you're going to take two.
Round up or down?
Yeah two.
Ok, that was his turn.
Oh wait a minute.
Yeah that was his turn.
Alright Miss Muffin, your turn.
You're still standing back because you yelled at him to talk and they all threw your brand
up in a fight and they just got blasted as he stuck his hands out and shot flames out
of his hands and burnt them.
Yeah so, hmm.
Yeah so indeed.
Can I use my like sneaky action, like my bonus sneaky action as a way to take my cloak off
real fast as I run up?
Or he's already right there as I like do something else.
That way I can take my cloak off and still dagger?
No.
So with your cunning action, you're able to use your cunning action, hide, disengage,
or dash?
I don't know.
I just need to get my cloak off.
Well tell me what you're going to do right now.
I'm just going to risk the damage and I'm going to go ahead and just dagger.
Are you going to dagger him or are you going to dagger Spirit of Light?
I don't know what daggering the Spirit of Light would do.
It's like right up on you guys.
It teleported up on them.
I know but.
And you're kind of back so.
Can it even take damage from a dagger?
I don't know.
I'll have to.
I'll have to say you can choose what you want to do.
Oh risk it for the misket?
You're kind of in between it and them so.
Yeah he's Radiant of Light.
I'll take light damage because of the cloak.
So I'm going to pass and just dagger the other guy.
You're going to dagger the other guy?
Yeah.
Okay you're going to dagger Aethon?
Yeah.
Alright go for it.
So you get advantage so roll twice take the higher number.
Eight.
Plus to hit.
Six plus six.
Eight plus six.
Alright that will hit.
So you can do your damage and sneak attack.
So this says 1d4 plus four because it's my plus one dagger.
Okay and then.
So four plus four.
So four damage and then you get to do sneak attack.
Which is 2d6.
Yep.
One.
Five.
So six all together.
Six.
Good.
Good hit.
Good round.
Okay.
Yeah.
Dude Crystal your turn pal.
I'm going to.
Things are popping off.
I'm going to grapple the old wizard.
Grapple.
Oh boy.
A wizard's favorite thing.
Strength.
I'll go with strength check.
Let's get it.
So you're going to do athletics right?
Yeah I think so.
Okay.
Oh good roll.
So I got an 11.
He could probably beat that.
Plus that's what your plus is?
Yeah.
Yeah he beat that.
17.
Damn.
You kind of like.
Shrugs you off.
That's punishment.
He's still getting two bonus action attacks.
Oh yeah forget you still.
You got your extra attacks.
First bonus action attack.
That is a 19 plus seven to hit.
I'll be doing math.
Yes.
Okay.
That's a six plus five so 11 and one fire damage so 12 in total.
Good hit.
And second bonus action attack.
Yeah.
You're all juiced up right now.
That is 11 plus seven to hit.
18.
Yeah.
Okay.
That is another six plus five and then one fire damage so 12 in total.
Damn another 12.
Alright.
He was like.
He shrugged you off with the grapple.
He's like you thought that would work on me.
Just got like crack of the head.
Like gave it to him.
Green fire lace.
Alright Archie.
Your turn.
I would have had advantage if I grappled him.
I would have just been like.
Alrighty I am going to hit him with the cane.
Swoop.
15 plus five.
Oh yeah.
Alrighty.
Let's get it.
This poor guy is getting trumped.
One D six plus three.
Six plus three.
Give him nine damage and then I'm going to go ahead and.
Six plus three.
Nine damage.
Bonus action.
Yes.
So as you swing your cane down.
Leveled up.
Swing your cane down and you're fucking cracking right in the head and you can see that this
was just the one hit that gave him one too much damage to his brain.
And you hit him in the head with it and it's like the lights just go off and his brain
shuts down and he falls over.
And he is dead.
The wizard falls to the ground.
So does this mean his light beam is.
The spirit of light remains.
I stab him twice with the ternschnut.
Yeah bonus action on that.
Can I bonus action and use it against that person.
That beam.
Okay let's stab him twice with the ternschnut.
Sure.
Flurry of blows.
Coming out the spirit of light.
To the chest.
Flurry of blows.
Yep.
What's that one do?
That's the one that I used to use.
For the training allows you to harness the mystic energy of ki.
Your access to this energy is represented by a number of ki points.
Your mark level determines the number of points you have.
It should.
It should allow him to do an extra bonus action on arm strike that if he lands he can choose
the prone.
I say his is different because his is a different class I think.
This says immediately after you take the attack action on your turn you can spend one ki point
to make two on arm strikes as a bonus action.
I have one left might as well.
I'll use the ki point and hit him with two flurry of blows.
Or as a flurry of blows and then two on arm strikes.
Is what it's saying I think.
Yeah.
Flurry of blows and then.
I think it's saying it gives you a second on arm strikes.
Flurry of blows immediately after you take the action on your turn you can spend one
ki point to make two on arm strikes.
So you spend the ki points for the flurry of blows to hit and then once that's done
you can spend another ki point to make two on arm strikes.
Oh okay well I'll just use my last ki point to do the flurry of blows.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see if I can even hit him.
Hit him.
You should.
He's a weak boy.
Alrighty.
13 plus 5.
13 plus 5 that will hit.
And a d4.
Oh wait wait wait wait.
Dragon Spirit of Light.
I was looking at the other one.
18.
That's a good ac.
18 you said?
Yeah.
Alright yeah that hits.
That's sad.
What was the d4?
What was it?
Okay.
1d4 plus 3 let's see what he gets.
Alright 2 plus 3.
5 damage.
5 damage to the Spirit of Light.
Let's go.
I don't have any ki points left.
When you swing into him you definitely see that it hits him but it like goes through
him and kind of doesn't phase him too badly as you strike him with your flurry of blows
punching whatever he can hit me.
Spirit of Light's turn.
Archie.
How do I defeat this?
You are in his zone.
So I will use my fire mix.
It may affect light creatures.
He is going to do a multi attack.
Oh god.
Please don't kill me.
Alright sir.
Swing swing swing.
2 plus 3.
2 plus 4 that won't hit.
I'm going to do a backflip and he misses.
14 plus 4 that will hit.
And that is 8.
What did he say?
7.
7 radiant light damage.
That's freaking tragic.
Flee stick.
Your turn.
Alright just the light guys left.
Yep Spirit of Light.
Alrighty.
Let's do sacred flame on this dude.
Need a deck roll.
Wow.
14 plus 5.
That will save.
Big time save.
Anything else?
You got any bonus actions or not?
I don't think I got any bonus actions.
Alright Mist Muffin.
I'm going to take my cloak off before I die from this light damage dude.
You're going to use your action to take off your cloak?
Yeah I'm going to have to.
Okay that's fine.
Anything else you want to do?
You can do like cutting action hide and stuff.
Can I do an unarmed strike if I did that?
No.
So what are you saying I can do?
You got cutting action so like hide and stuff like that.
It would give you advantage if you're hiding and you rolled good stealth.
Okay.
Alright Duke your turn.
Alright I'm going to go for 3 attacks on that thing with the knives.
That is 17 to hit.
Yep.
So that would be 7 damage plus 1 fire so 8.
8.
Oh.
He still kicking?
Yes.
Alright next attack.
Definitely.
This one probably won't hit.
12 and it hit.
No.
Okay third attack.
That is a crit.
Nice.
Okay.
Which means overall double damage.
It will hit.
So since it rolled double damage.
There's 5 plus 1.
6 and then 11 so that would be 19 damage.
2 of it being fire.
19?
Yeah because when I get a crit I double damage roll from savage attacks.
So would that be another?
Because don't we already do double damage for crit?
That's true.
So yeah.
That would stack.
And then that one is another 12 damage.
No sorry that one is 10.
Well math in wasn't math in.
Alright.
That means it is Archie's turn.
I think it's tough.
He is tough.
Let's whack the shit out of it.
Oh god.
I don't really know what I can do to hurt it.
Punch it.
Apparently my mace was somewhat effective.
Already?
I'm going to try to use my cane.
It could have been more effective.
I'm going to try to hit it with the cane again.
It's resistant.
I don't have any darkness magic.
Ha.
No.
2 plus 5.
No.
It will not hit.
Spirit of Light's turn.
I think it's going to hit you Duke.
Thank god.
Makes sense.
I'm sure it's got a vengeance on its own.
That is a natural one.
So he thinks he's going to hit you and charges up his attack and blasts it out and hits himself
with his own damage.
And he doesn't realize what he's doing and over radiates himself with Radiant Light and
implodes.
Ha.
And the Spirit of Light is gone.
What a noise.
Quinn.
What a jackass.
It fades away and you feel the magic of this place kind of fall away.
All the light magic that was locking everything and binding everything kind of just falls
off.
And with that the Wizard of Light falls to the ground laying there on the ground and
says up to you he says all I wanted to do was spread a little light in a little dark
place so this is what I get.
I just stabbed him twice earlier.
Oh jeez.
Oh yeah.
Oh shit.
And then he dies.
He just kind of breathes out his last breath.
He was literally like he died.
I was like oh yeah.
Just to be sure he said I just wanted to spread the light.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as
Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find our website on rss.com slash podcast
slash dummies with dice and on Facebook at dummies with dice.
Most importantly join our Patreon at patreon.com slash dummies with dice for free or for $3
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Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.