Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that
follows four not-so-average dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world of Dungeons and Dragons where they
must survive and try to find a way back home. Viewer warning, use of violence,
profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use.
Hey I'm Ryan, R1. I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner.
He's also the monk of the group. Fun fact about Archie, he's a black belt in MMA.
Black belt. Yeah. Hi I'm Kelly Lee. I play Miss Muffin. She's a crazy cat lady rogue.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin doesn't even know her real name anymore. Hey guys this is
Nate. My character's Duke Crystal. He's the 32 year old drug addicted level 3
barbarian of the group. Fun fact about Duke, he always has emergency droves in
his gooch pouch. Hey everybody, Archie here. Ryan Tucker. I play fleece sticks out
jelly. I'm the hobo trash master cleric of the group. I'm a MacGyver of all things
trash and garbage. Fun fact about fleece stick, my favorite place to sleep is in a
dumpster behind Arby's. Free beef and Cheddar's. Hi I'm Tristan Hayes, the
dummy master, and my fun fact is the squid's brain is ring-shaped with its
esophagus running through it, so if it eats anything too large it can suffer
brain damage.
Psychic damage from eating too big of food. Tell me if you get fellatio from a squid, you might kill it.
Yep, I might kill it. So then the boys...
Alright as you guys left off you were taking a long rest inside of Blink's
Tavern. You were told about the poet who was performing a dark ritual that
he doesn't know how to perform well. Lilith Darko is the only one who's to
perform rituals. You guys are waking up and getting your gear together and
getting ready to go see what's going on with this poet.
Stretch my cat legs.
So you guys gonna go ahead and straight for him, gonna step outside?
Yeah let's go do it, let's check him out.
Okay, as you step outside...
Let me roll.
I feel one at the back.
So you step outside and you see a man stumbling out of tiefling dirt bag.
He's holding his head, his eyes are all glossy and watery and he's sick. He looks around and you see him kind of look back at the building and he's like looking at it over confused like what what's going on here.
And then you see him walk back inside and just kind of go about his day.
So you guys definitely fucking robbed that dude. He was fucked up. He does not remember he was robbed. He's confused as hell.
But you know that he's back inside doing his thing.
He didn't forget that was his place of business?
No, he still remembers I think.
I was hoping he'd forget that too.
We just get a free business to start from.
So you're gonna go hunt for the poet?
Yeah.
Somebody to ask.
Yeah.
Okay, so you step out towards the outskirts of town you see like a small little building there just like falling apart kind of shittily built.
You guys just gonna step inside?
Is there trash?
There's probably trash all over the place.
Yes.
Emos don't clean up.
So as you step in the building you feel an entire wave of just like dread and sorrow smack into you.
So I need everybody to make either Constitution save or wisdom save.
17 plus 3 Constitution.
Oof.
10 plus 2.
11 on a Consave.
11.
12 on a Wisdom Save.
And I got a 20. 17 plus 3 Constitution.
Five.
You got five?
Okay, so as you step inside you see like a half-linging emo standing up on like a little pedestal and you see a donkey and a man laying inside of a big pentagram ritual drawn on the ground.
So as you walk in though for Flea Stick.
What'd you get Duke?
What'd you get on your save?
11.
Okay, so Flea Stick you failed.
So as you walk in you get smacked with the sorrow and like the despair of this place and you just start crying.
So you will have a minus one on attack rolls for your first turn, like first round.
Because you just can't help from crying into tears or blocking your view.
So as you step up you see all of this happening, there's like candles, there's smoke, there's incense, the ritual is all red and lit up.
The emo kind of screams out and he says, don't you worry fuck, I'm gonna bring you back.
I'm gonna sacrifice this donkey and I'm gonna bring you back.
Then he sees you guys step forward and he's like, oh shit, okay you guys just stepped into the veil.
Some bad things are gonna happen and some shit's gonna start coming through because now there's a tear.
Not the donkeys.
Please, please defend my lover fuck on the ground.
I'm trying to sacrifice this donkey to bring him back.
So that's happening.
You're about to have some unwanted visitors from breaking the veil of the...
Kill that donkey.
Your lover's name is fuck?
Yes, yes my lover's name is fuck.
Jesus.
It's because it's what we do.
It's because of what we do.
Damn, I see why you want it back I guess.
Did you try CPR on fuck?
He's been dead for a day or two.
It don't work.
He's a gun.
He's gone.
Okay so as you guys are talking still, you see this ugly small flying little bat creature
and what looks like a little demon imp come bursting out of like a red portal through the ritual.
So we all need to roll some initiatives.
Fine.
20 videos.
Damn.
I got five.
Two plus three.
I ain't rolled a one.
Got a 20 from me.
Oh no, natural one.
I got the 14.
No!
I got 14.
I rolled a one plus three.
Alright, I wasn't listening.
Archie, what did you get?
I rolled a one plus three so four.
Okay.
Miss Muffin?
I rolled a two plus three.
I got five.
Okay.
Flea stick?
I rolled 19 plus one.
20.
Very nice, very nice.
Okay.
Duke?
It was just 14.
Let's skip the math.
Okay.
Fuck math.
It means first up is flea stick sock jelly.
Math rocks.
So you are, oh, you got minus one on me.
Okay, so there is two dretches, which are the bat creatures, and one imp that just spawned
inside the ritual.
So they are about five, 10, 15, about 20 feet from you.
Damn.
20 feet's not that far.
That's what they climb in distance.
Well, I'm gonna run out and crack them one time with my flea stick.
You're gonna run into the ritual?
Yeah.
Break it up.
Yolo.
Stop it.
Yolo.
This is the only one.
I feel so much dread.
I think I'll go around the...
Save the donkey.
It is inside the ritual site.
All of them?
Spawning out.
Yeah, they're inside.
Okay, so I need to hit them with a...
We're gonna eat the donkey.
No, we're gonna save that donkey.
Yeah, we're gonna save that donkey.
Okay.
What are my options here?
You've got ranged, or if you want to jump where the ritual is, you can, but you wanna
run in there, but that's on you.
I don't really think I have any ranged without a spell slot being sacrilegious.
Cantrips.
Cantrips don't take spell slots.
Like, Sacred Flame or...
Firebolt.
Firebolt or anything.
Okay.
That's Sacred Flame.
Sacred Flame.
Sacred Flame is one of the two dretches, or the imp?
Let's go for the imp.
Yeah, the imp.
Okay.
One for a four-hit shot.
And that is a 15 plus four, 19.
Oh, that will hit.
You say the imp?
Yep, the imp.
Okay, yes, that will hit.
Yeah.
So...
Oh, wait, you should.
No.
You did Sacred Flame.
That's a dex save, isn't it?
Oh, that is dex save.
Yep.
Oh, that is dex.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
My bad.
Oh, shoot!
And you got...
Yeah, you had a really good roll, too.
Yeah.
I'm high just one.
Oh, and you have...
Well, it don't matter on that one.
Okay.
Dex save.
This person's too big.
15 plus three.
I don't fucking need you.
What is it?
You got it.
Okay.
All right.
No smoke.
Do crystal.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
So how are we placed?
We all stand in one spot around this circle?
Yeah.
You guys all kind of enter through the door.
So you're right there.
And the ritual is like five, 10 feet in front of you, the layer of the ring.
And the imp and the dredge and the other dredge are both inside the ring still.
Like, I'm going to move...
About 15, 10 feet.
90 degrees to the left.
So a quarter pie around the circle.
Okay.
I'm going to wait outside the circle, see if I can learn something.
Okay.
Good thinking, sir.
Good deal.
Yeah.
All right.
Next up is the first dredge.
See what this son of a bitch can do.
Okay.
So he's going to fly at you, Duke.
He's going to fly out of the ritual zone.
When you roll perception, Duke...
Did you say good?
That would be 18.
Perception 18.
So when you see it exit the ritual site, you see like this black kind of almost like ashiness
pull off of him back to go towards the ritual.
As if like something that was inside and tries to walk out is being pulled back in.
So he's weakened most likely.
Not so much weakened, but so much as you can tell that he's not going to be able to do
this.
He's being pulled off.
He's got a time.
Yes.
He is going to try to bite you.
Don't let him bite you.
Three plus two.
No.
That won't hit.
Right?
Hell no.
But that's a multi attack.
So he gets to make two attacks.
One with its bite and one with its claw.
That's a natural one.
That's what he gets for messing with Duke.
He goes to swing at you, Duke, and his claw grazes across to your cheek, just barely
like skimming, taking off some face hair.
He spins around and you see the pull increase and he gets kind of pulled back inside the
ritual site and pulls against it and it rips his arm off.
So he's going to take eight damage from ripping his arm off.
That's what he gets.
For a natural one.
The next dredge, he's going to push down towards Archie and you see kind of the same thing
that Duke saw when it leaves the ritual site.
He's going to do his multi attack.
Bite and then claw.
16 plus two.
No.
That'll hit.
Okay.
Five for the first hit.
13 plus two.
That'll hit.
This one's smaller, don't worry.
If I can get my die.
Come on.
Little guy.
Here we go.
One.
So five and one damage from the vicious teeth and the vicious claws.
Next up is the M and the M is going to use his movement to move closer towards the emo
casting the ritual.
So that's his turn.
He's moving closer to him.
Miss Muffin.
Yo turn.
I'm going to attack the dredge that's missing his arm.
So you're going to go move over to Duke?
Yeah.
What is your movement speed?
How far can you move?
30.
Okay.
You can make it.
30.
You can make it.
And.
Do they have a dredge to help Duke?
He needs help.
Unless you have the agile feet.
You add 10.
What?
Can I really move?
Cause I'd have to go inside the ritual to dagger.
It is outside still.
It came out to fight Duke.
It got pulled back and fought against it being ripped back in and ripped its arm off.
So its arm got sucked back and knocked him.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to dagger him.
Dagger him.
Dagger, dagger.
Nope.
Two plus six.
Seven eight.
We will not hit.
Well, if I don't get the dagger him.
Next up Archie Ortiz.
I'm ready.
I'm going to smack him in the face with my cane.
Does it run up on me?
Smack him in the face with that cane.
Yo.
He gonna get it.
The dredge.
Oh, he's not going to get it.
Three plus five.
Yeah.
I didn't think so.
I think next up then is.
Please stay.
Alright, where's everybody at?
So Archie is about five feet in front of you.
There's a dredge fighting him.
And Miss Muffin is to the left of you guys about 15 feet over there fighting dredge.
There's an imp moving towards the emo casting the ritual.
I'm going to get that one.
The one moving towards him?
Yeah.
With.
I'm amazed.
I wonder if I'm cracking.
Let's see here.
Let's see maybe far away.
Yeah, how far is he?
Ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty five, thirty, thirty five.
He's thirty five feet.
Okay, I can move thirty feet and I got five foot reach on my head.
So that's right.
I guess so.
Hell yeah.
Seventeen plus four.
Six, eight, that's nine damage.
Nine damage.
Good hit.
That imp was like starting to flap and fly towards him and you just kind of smoke him
like as he's flying out of the air and he's dazed and looking at you.
Like as he's flying out of the air and he's dazed and looks like that one rang is bell
good.
Hell yeah.
Is that all for your turn?
I think I'm going to back up.
I can't move anymore.
No, I'm good.
Okay, do crystal.
Got the dredge and missed my foot.
I don't have any.
Can I move up to the imp without provoking opportunity from the dredge?
What's up?
Can I move toward the imp inside the circle without provoking opportunity attack?
It would provoke opportunity.
Well then I guess I'll just smash the annoying little dredge thing.
The annoying little dredge.
It will crack you with the imp of fury.
Let's see, that's a, yeah, it's like a 23.
That will hit.
Okay.
So two plus five, seven plus one fire.
I just keep it at any time I pull it out.
What's this?
Seven plus one fire?
Yeah.
Good hit.
He's hurting bad.
Which I don't know if fire would do much to him.
It's like someone walks away from you while you're fighting them.
That's what opposite the attack is.
Yeah, so you smack him truly.
He's bleeding.
Did he catch on fire or did he seem pretty resistant?
Did he seem pretty resistant to it?
Or did it burn him?
He looked like he was pretty resistant.
I figured he'd be in a demonic type creature.
It is dredge on Archie.
Save yourself.
13 plus two.
All right, two damage.
Okay.
He's got a multi attack.
Stop attacking him.
13 plus two.
What the?
That's crazy.
Good, what's your state of the game?
Three damage.
So five only.
That was eight damage.
Yes, yes, yes.
What's up?
That damage I did was only eight, I think I said.
One step closer to death.
Gretch B is panicking because he's got two on him.
He's going to multi attack, bite at Duke and then claw at Miff's Muffin.
That's a natural one.
Yeah.
This dude's doomed.
He goes to claw at you and just like before, it starts to pull, rips his arm off and then pulls his head in slow
and just rips his head clean off and his body drops to the ground.
Good riddance.
I'm going to kick him in there as a weapon.
His corpse, he applied it with the force of the circle.
Throw him at him.
All right, now.
It's like he's holding outside as a target.
It's the imp's turn now, so he is going to push over on you, Flea Stick.
Pop up out of the, he's actually standing inside the ritual still.
So he's going to attack you from inside the ritual.
And so he's going to use sting to try and sting you, Flea Stick.
Sting.
Ten plus five.
Oh, that won't hit you, will it?
You got a 16?
Nope.
All right, so good deal.
That didn't come my way.
Will it get me high if he stings me?
No, I will.
No.
All right, Miss Muffin, your turn.
No.
It's my turn to dagger.
That one's dead.
Yeah, so am I close to any others?
You're about 10 feet from Archie and his, and you're about 15 feet from the imp and Flea Stick.
I'll go the 10 feet over to Archie and his stretch.
And I'll kill that thing with my dagger if I can, because it's been biting him and clawing him and shit.
I'm going to dagger with my plus one dagger.
Hopefully.
Nope.
I pulled a two again.
You missed.
You're bad.
Archie, it's you. This dude's giving you a beating.
I'm going to two hand swing this cane right at his face.
All right.
Swing it at his face.
Get him.
Oh my god.
No, I'm not. I rolled a three.
We have bad luck. It's the couch.
All right.
I think that means it's Flea Stick again.
Yep.
Got the imp on you. He is right in front of you.
He's just standing inside the ritual like five feet so you can smack him.
I'm going to smack him with me mace.
And no, I'm not.
Crit fail.
Really? Yep.
So as you go to swing, he kind of slips out of the way.
You trip and you fall into the ring of the ritual.
So there's trash in here.
Give me a strength saving throw.
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I rolled a 20.
That's a 20? No, 18 plus two.
Okay, good shit. All right, so you kind of feel the pull of the ritual.
You start to muscle your way out and break back out of the ring.
So good job.
Not staying inside that. Very nice.
Dude Crystal. I'm going in.
You're going in? Yeah, I'm fighting the ritual.
You're going to jump in? Yeah.
Okay, well, when you cross over, you're going to have to make a strength saving throw.
That's fine. Okay.
15? Yeah, that'll do.
So yeah, you're on the end, but you're inside the ritual site.
Am I going to make a save every turn? Yeah.
I mean, that's fine. Is this a portal?
In a way. It's like a rip open for this ritual where they're just kind of...
Demon is bleeding out?
Okay. Popping out.
Pulls them in, pushes us out.
I feel like because Fuck's soul's in hell and they're trying to get his soul, her soul, whatever back from hell.
Because why would it be...
I mean, yeah. You know what I mean?
Get what I'm saying? Get what I'm trying to say?
Well, he's an amateur, so he didn't know he was doing...
Yes, you guys did choose to side with the side of darkness to get your info.
So this is just something happening in their town.
A dude who was not experienced trying to perform a dark ritual to bring back his lover.
Not necessarily from hell or not, but just...
I don't think he knew what he was doing.
Trying to sacrifice a soul to bring back a soul.
Should we drag this donkey out?
No, okay.
But that's up to you.
Yeah, we're going to save that donkey. That's what we're doing.
I didn't use my action.
I'm going to grapple the imp.
Okay.
Strength.
Strength. Pathologics.
So 13.
You got three minus two.
Sweet.
So he is grappled.
That is an action, right?
Yes.
Now if I get pulled out, he's coming with me.
Nice.
Smooth.
Okay. Dretch A.
He's going to swing his multi-attack at you, Miss Muffin.
No!
That's a natural one.
He stretches.
So he goes to swing at you and does the same thing where he swings and the pull rips on him and just kind of tears one of his wings off.
Now he's kind of standing on the ground instead of floating there.
He sucks.
Miss Muffin, it's your turn.
Yeah, I'm going to try and dagger that again.
I'm going to dagger him. I'll say advantage.
Dagger, dagger, dagger.
I rolled a three this time.
So roll again.
Six plus six is twelve.
Yeah?
Is that it?
Yay, thank God.
Okay, then it's one D four plus four.
And sneak attack.
Because you're having advantage.
Three plus four is seven.
Damn it.
And sneak attack.
What does that mean? I don't understand.
You roll like a D, remember your thing?
Six or something. Check your stuff.
I don't remember.
Two D six damage.
It's extra two D six damage.
Okay, six.
Two more Ds. So roll two D six.
Which is my square.
One.
Whoops.
Six. So seven.
Good round of damage.
Archie.
Yo turn.
He's still on me.
This one's cracking good.
Going with the cane again.
You can do it with advantage.
Very nice.
Because he just got his ring whipped off and they're not used to walking.
Damn.
Natural 20.
Double damage.
Roll your damage die twice.
Sweet.
For that sweet sweet cane.
Four plus three.
Alright, he is obliterated.
Smash to a pole.
Um, flea stick.
It's yours.
Duke Crystal just jumped into the ritual and grabbed a hold of an M.
And is grappling it.
Which means any attacks against it have advantage.
Right?
They all have advantage on attacks.
How much advantage?
Roll two D twice.
I don't know if other people get advantage.
I think it is.
I think anyone gets an advantage.
Just because these are straight.
I'm going to go flea mace his ass.
Alright.
Three.
Twenty.
Natural?
Damn.
I'll let you roll your damage if you want.
He's dead.
He had one hell of a point.
So, uh, Duke's kind of holding this M.
How do you finish off that M?
Can I grab, can I?
Well I bash him in the head and can I grab Duke at the same time?
I'll let you do it.
And pull him out. Yeah.
So if I can crack him and then yank Duke out of the ritual?
Yep.
I got you man.
What a good move.
Alright, so you kind of whacked all of them.
Um, they all drop.
Uh, toward the, the one casting the ritual.
He kind of looks at it and he's like, alright guys, you did good.
You did good.
Uh, then fuck, I'm going to bring you back.
Uh, just hold out for a little bit longer and this ritual will be almost done.
And as he says that, you see the red portal bust open again.
And a nasty ghoul comes crawling out of it.
Um, and this weird little,
Actually let me look at this thing.
It's a bipedal like bug creature looking thing.
Has giant horns come stepping out.
But he's tiny. It's like a tiny little demon creature.
With big horns coming off his head.
Looks like a little bug.
But a ghoul and a quazit have joined the fray.
Duke, it is still your turn.
I'm going to roll initiative for these actually real quick.
Three plus two.
Quazi.
Natural 20.
Okay, so.
Yeah, Duke, it's you.
I'm going to roll that out of the circle now, right?
Yes, you are out of the circle.
But those just spawned inside the circle like in the middle.
Miss Muffin, you are out.
I run out.
What is it? The imp?
Nope, the imp is dead.
There's a ghoul and a quazit.
Oh yeah, a ghoul.
They're inside the ritual.
I would like to kill the ghoul.
I'll dagger him.
You got run inside the ritual?
I don't know, is it going to like kill me?
Kill me? Because I can't really fight from outside the ritual. I only have daggers.
I mean, I'm not going to tell you if it's going to kill you.
So far you've seen two people have to make strength saving throws to not be pulled towards the ritual and stuff.
Yeah, that's not good for me. I have negative one strength.
Yeah, I don't know what to do.
Okay.
Can I throw my dagger?
You can throw a dagger if you have one.
Then when the ritual is over I can just pick it back up?
Possibly.
I'll throw my not plus one dagger.
Okay, that works.
I'm going to do that then and throw it right at the ghoul's eyeball?
Does it have a damage for throw?
I don't know.
I assume it's probably the same I guess.
Not really.
I think throws off strength.
It's a matter of how hard you throw something.
It just says piercing.
Oh wait, properties, finesse, light, throw.
1d4 if it's a throw.
That's your strength, isn't it?
Yeah.
So the higher your strength the harder you throw stuff.
Okay, so what do I roll then?
You can use dexterity if it's a finesse or light weapon.
It's a finesse light throw.
You can throw it with your dex to hit and it'll do 1d4.
So does that mean my dex is plus five anyway so it's still plus five?
Yeah.
Do you want to do 1d4 plus dex?
I think not just because it's thrown.
So I got nine plus five.
To throw it at the ghoul?
Yeah.
That'll hit.
What's your damage?
1d4 plus three.
Just do 1d4 I think because it's thrown.
I'm at...
Well I got a three.
You can add your modifier.
I feel like it would make sense to do that.
Six damage.
Okay.
Stucking with your dagger, good job.
Archie, your turn.
How far are they from me?
I'm going to use my water whip to...
Water whip?
Smooth?
There's a ghoul in what?
A closet.
I'm going to hit the closet with my water whip and try to pull him to me.
What's a save you have to do?
Is it an attack roll or isn't it a strength save?
I have to make a dexterity save.
You must make a dexterity saving throw.
I must?
No it says...
It says me.
A creature that is within 30 feet of you must make a dexterity saving throw.
Okay.
I'll make a dexterity save for the closet.
Don't I have to roll though?
I know.
You have to roll to see if you hit with the whip.
Yeah.
Water whipping.
Water whip.
15.
That'll hit.
I'll ready.
That's a fuck ton of damage isn't it?
Yeah it's 3d10.
Oh nice.
I have to spin some key points.
I have to do that after this.
3d10.
So the one with a zero on it.
Isn't it.
I just roll it three times.
2.
9.
7.
Okay.
16.
He fails his dexterity saving throw.
9 plus 7.
He's dead.
He's very dead.
So 18.
But yeah he's dead.
He's very dead.
So he fails his dexterity saving throw.
He's dead.
He's very dead.
So he fails his next saving throw.
So as you like whip him with this whip
and it just
smokes him and then you pull him
just the dead body of a Quasit comes flying out
of the ritual and like turns to ash
and just disappears as it flies out.
So the Quasit is gone.
Was that the little one?
So now there's just the ghoul?
Yep.
Now there's flea stick sock jelly.
Yo turn.
Get the ghoul.
Okay it's okay.
Ghoul.
Hit ghoulie.
Alright.
Hitting this bastard with my guiding bolt.
Good deal. Is that
just a hit?
Well fuck.
What? 7.
Is it plus? What's your spell?
Plus 5. 2 plus 5.
I will not hit.
Okay.
Do crystal.
Yo turn.
He's still in the circle?
Yeah. He's still in the circle yes.
Well.
You either go back in or do nothing.
So I guess I'm going back in. Sometimes I do nothing.
Okay. Strength save.
17.
Yes.
You push fast.
Well I guess
yeah so you're not being yanked
into it now. It's repulsive.
Well it's trying to pull whatever's in
but you're trying to fight
not being yanked. Well I want to go in.
Yeah so. But you're not being
pulled into the portal.
You're just fighting being pulled into the portal.
I should have gone in a bit. You are up on the ghoul.
He's like right on the edge of the portal of the
opening tear there.
Honestly can I just
boot his ass back in the portal?
You can try.
Shove. Yeah. Bonus action at least
so if it don't work.
I think it's a boost strength.
It's a 10.
Strength.
18 plus 1.
Let me see. Alright. Double crack
with the fucking ammo fury.
Right in his forehead.
Get's a little
wobbly when he goes back
in the portal.
21 hit. Yes.
I figured.
I just like saying it.
He'd be like no I didn't want to hit.
11 damage plus 1 fire
which I'm guessing the fire's not on the portal.
No. You don't want to miss anything there.
He's a ghoul so he might eat it.
11 plus 1? Yes.
Okay.
Good hit. Being fucking
pulled in fighting against the power
of a dark portal.
It's the ghouls turn.
I wonder who he's going after.
Alright so he is going to do
bite.
Alright. He's going to portal.
7 plus 2
will not hit.
Does not get multi attack
so. He whipped his teeth.
Missed muffin. Yo turn.
Don't go in.
I only have one dagger left.
And I don't want to throw
my good dagger. Okay.
So I don't really have much to do here.
Okay.
Pass it over.
He's in the circle. She's not very strong.
So she might get it.
Okay Archie. Oh strange.
You can tell that Duke put a real
beating on that ghoul so.
That hit worked between the irons.
The only thing I can do now is run in
there and make his training
saving through and try to fight.
I can. If you want to wait.
Does anybody
still have ranged attacks?
I'm just going to pass it on.
Okay. Fleet state.
Give me a deck save.
Deck save.
Good shit.
Let's see.
That is a 3 plus 2.
Alright.
2 damage.
2 damage. Yep.
Okay. So.
So you hit him with
that.
You hit him with that.
But you can definitely tell
that the radiant light
burns his skin.
Fucking fries him good.
And where you did 2 damage
you actually did 4. Because it's double
damage and he had 4 health left. So.
He is fried to a crisp.
Do crystal.
Burn baby.
You want to move out of the ritual?
Show me your turn.
Is the dumb dude? He is dead.
Oh. Well shit.
But the ghoul. The guy is summoning shit.
I'm talking about as he's still alive.
So as he dies
the guy yells out
Okay you need to get out of the portal.
It's done. We need to finish this.
So you're going to step out.
No I'm grabbing him by his neck.
Who? The ritual guy? Yes.
Oh god. Okay.
I'm pulling him out with me.
No he's not in it. Oh I thought he was
standing outside like casting it.
He's definitely getting knocked out when I get out.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see. 14?
Um yeah.
That'll pull out. So as you
step out he
kind of like. He's pulling out.
Yeah that pulls out.
So he kind of like waves his
hands around, does some chanting
and everything goes dark.
And right as you move up to kind of punch
him in the head the whole room
fills with black smoke.
Is his head still there?
His head's still there.
Well that punch came through.
They just smoked him. Alright I'll say you
knocked him out. That's fine.
No I don't have to listen to him talk anymore.
His is over.
So we don't need that anymore.
I love room smoke. He had it coming.
So you kind of punch
him in the nose. He falls back. The room
fills with black smoke.
And as
the smoke kind of starts to clear away
you see
you hear a voice coming from
inside where the ritual was.
And he's like
ugh fuck it's me
fuck.
Ugh fuck.
And then the smoke clears
away and you see
a formed human body
attached to the lower
body of a donkey.
Creating a centaur.
Or a jackass.
So
now his lover fuck
is attached to the donkey known as
Arce. So his name is fuck Arce?
His name is, I guess yes.
His name is now fuck Arce.
They did some full metal alchemy.
How you doing fuck Arce?
He says
I don't know what's happening.
But we
where's Toro?
You want to make some
donkey shit?
Is he out cold?
You punched him. He's fell down.
I'm going to finish that thing off.
He kind of walks over there
and when he walks up and sees
what's happened he's
filled with like absolute dread
and just like
he's like this isn't my fuck.
I don't know what this is.
But it's not mine.
He pulls out a dagger and just slits his own throat.
Well you're supposed to kill the donkey
thing first. What a coward. I'll take his dagger.
Thank you.
So yes
he just killed himself and you're left with a centaur.
I'll take my trench knife and go finish
off that abomination.
Are you going to finish it off or are you going to
shut it up?
It's a pile of mixed parts between
a donkey. It's quite literally a centaur.
Oh so he did a perfect mixed breed.
A donkey and a body, yes, of a man
with the donkey legs.
I really don't know. He's been a social. He can call all our stuff around.
Well I don't like animals so
in my eyes it's an animal. Someone better
make a decision before I cut his throat.
Should we ride it?
He kind of
I guess I can ask you if it wants to live like
this. He kind of
sees the dude pull out his trench
knife and he kind of steps back.
He's like, oh, listen
I don't want to die. He's like, I already
died once and that shit sucked.
But
if you guys need some
help, sure I'll get the hell out of this
place. I mean
I don't want to be stuck inside this
ritual and I don't want to be stuck inside of a donkey
but it beats better in being
in hell. Why are you talking normal
now?
You are.
So
yeah, you guys did
complete the dark ritual. You
Toro killed himself out of
the abomination he created.
The abomination does wish to stay with you.
Not with me.
Follow someone else.
Don't bother me. He can come with
us. You stay in the back
out here too.
You guys have acquired a
centaur's game.
Fuck ours.
Fuck it.
So great. He gets his arse fucked.
Wieners.
Why does I hit record?
Alright, so
you guys finished your
ritual, not your ritual, finished
the ritual and
moving on back outside to go
back and check
on things. You guys going, what do you guys
want to do? Go check on Tiefling
Dirtbag.
Alright, go check on your friendly neighborhood
Tiefling Dirtbag.
Make sure he's still a little dazed
and confused.
Okay, so you guys approached
Tiefling Dirtbag and there's a sign
hanging on the door
and it kind of has
scribbled words
and it's closed for the day
feeling a little under weather.
What do you do?
Barge in.
We're busting in this place.
It's unlocked. What's wrong Tiefling
Dirtbag? That's what we do.
So the same guy kind of jumps
and turns around and looks at you. His eyes
are like green.
Like the whites are like all green.
Like nasty looking.
And he kind of startles
and looks at you guys. He's like
we're closed today.
What do you want?
Want to try some drugs?
I was just going to pee my pants.
He looks at you and like immediately
throws up.
Like ground.
He looks at you and he's like no I don't want
no drugs.
I've been up all night long
and I have no memory of yesterday.
Because some of my stuff
is missing. One of my drugs
are missing. The glowing liquid.
I'm assuming that I maybe
took it and it's just been
a bad night.
Oh yeah you took that. We saw you take that.
I did.
You took a lot of stuff.
Is that glowing liquid stuff that tough?
Is it that powerful?
Roll persuasion Kelly.
You just need to
learn about the glowing thing and just let it down.
Oh no, deception. Sorry.
Roll deception.
My persuasion is plus five.
I'm trying to learn about my dealings.
Oh my deception is plus five too.
Ten plus five fifteen.
Yo.
Oh gosh.
He believes you.
He's like okay so I did.
That makes sense. Makes sense why I'm like this.
That's why we're checking on you.
Obviously. Oh thanks.
I've never met you in my life but thanks.
You asked over there.
What did you ask?
The glowing liquid stuff you're talking about.
Really that strong? Oh yeah.
That stuff will light you up.
For sure.
But I see
usually when I take it it's
a different effect.
It's more bright than this.
But I just feel sick.
Like I've been puking
green all day. All night.
Must have been a bad match.
I guess so.
Well have a good one.
Alright so you guys can leave him be.
So you guys
want to go back to
the tavern and
probably get to your rest.
A short rest just after that
whole ordeal.
He must be a lightweight.
He is.
He's not going to do anything like that.
So as you guys go back
into Blink's tavern
you see the person you had talked to
before about the poet.
And they come running up and they are asking you
what happened if anything happened with the
poet or what
happened with it.
The poet is insane.
And you see our new doggy friend
This is our new doggy friend.
This is fuck arse.
Meet fuck arse.
He looks out like past you out the door
and he's like oh my god.
What the fuck is that?
Don't look at it.
Don't look in his eyes.
But now that's fuck arse.
Yeah.
Fuck arse.
As you say that you see
like fuck arse like looked over.
He's got like one eye
like toward the down where it's like one eye
is looking the other way.
He's like he's not
as soon as he looks over at him.
So
he's like okay so
I guess he continued the ritual
and it didn't work.
Is he dead?
Is he gone? What happened?
Oh yeah he killed himself.
He saw the abomination he made.
He felt guilty. This was his boyfriend.
Okay.
He's like so
So he kind of like looks
around like Paul
like he's seeing if anybody is listening.
He's like so I'll pay you guys
50 gold pieces each
to not say a word about this to anybody.
150.
Persuasion.
Persuasion check.
15.
Yeah you said you know what
fine.
It's worth it. It's worth it. Okay.
So you guys each can you can I'll pay you each 150.
So I won't be able to eat for a week
or pay for my house.
Oh my god.
It sounds good to me.
Thank you.
No way.
He says it'll be fine
and he like quickly runs outside
and kind of like scooches past the centaurs
like creeped out
and starts making his way towards where
the ritual was.
So.
No blabbering about it Kelly. He paid us good money.
I'm starving.
We don't want to
turn on our own.
I didn't take the rest of his money too at that point.
Oh you have enough to eat
and give me that too.
Okay.
I can't remember
to add my gold.
I forgot how to do it as well.
Finished the dark ritual
you saved
the poor centaurs
and kept him as your companion
to help you in your travels.
You've paid off
accepted bribe to not
tell anyone
about the ritual
and the poets actions.
So you guys
are in the tavern you're going to go rest.
Anything else you want to do before you
lay down for a couple hours to go
hunt the wizard?
Is there any
general stores here or healing shops?
Tiefling dirt bag
will have that stuff.
They can have some potions.
Okay well I guess I'll go back and see if
he's feeling fit enough
to sell me a couple healing potions.
I have a healing potion.
If I want to buy it.
Oh okay.
So you walk in
he drops his shoulders and turns around
slow and he's like what
do you want?
Sorry bro. Don't bother you too much.
I'm sure you feel bad.
I think you can hook me up with a couple
healing potions
or some sort of healing spots.
He's like
you know what fine.
If that makes you not come back for the rest of the day
sure. And he pulls up
he has four
greater healing potions each for
ten gold pieces.
I'll buy both of them.
Forty bucks!
He puts them in a
hot topic looking like black
no see through bag
and bags it up and
hands it to you.
Thanks bro.
No problem. Don't come back again
today.
See you tomorrow.
Alright.
Police stick. You say you want to
search for trash?
So give me
a perception or an investigation.
You can like walk around that building
look around and see if there's some trash.
He definitely has a dumpster.
What kind of healing
for
for?
Fourteen.
Fourteen?
So I'll say you find
two decent piles of trash
and
we'll probably work
something out about trash.
Okay.
So yeah you do find two piles
of trash to gather
up into your inventory.
Anything else?
Anybody else wants to do?
You're all done.
I'm pretty much good.
Time for a nappy poop?
Me and Hazel we tired.
Take a cat nap.
Long rest?
Short rest.
Cat nap.
Yeah so you guys go back to the
tavern and rest up for a couple
hours before you go
hunt down the Wizard of Light.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee
as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal,
Ryan Hart as RG Ortiz,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly,
and Tristan Hayes is the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by
Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies
with Dice created by Al Sorensen
can be found on Instagram under
ARCSI0.
The theme song
is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice you can find
our website on rss.com
slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice
and on Facebook at Dummies
with Dice. Most importantly join
our Patreon at Patreon.com
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content. Come back in two weeks
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