Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast that follows four not so average dummies in our world
that get caught up in a magical storm and are transported to the world of Dungeons & Dragons, where they must survive and try to find a way back home.
Viewer Warning! Use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use.
Hey guys, Nate here. My character's name is Duke Crystal. He's the 32 year old drug addict of the group.
He's a level 2 barbarian. And fun fact about Duke is best friends today, the Skeeter McFly.
Hi, I'm Kelly Lee. I play Miss Muffin. She's a 26 year old mentally retired, crazy cat lady, level 2 rogue.
She has toxoplasmosis and she loves some good tuna peas and mac and cheese.
Fun fact, Miss Muffin doesn't even know what furries are, but she makes and sells art from her cat's fur and she calls it her furry art.
Hey, I'm Ryan, R1. I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76 year old MMA gym owner. He's also the monk of the group.
Fun fact about Archie, he lives a very modest life, but is secretly a very wealthy man.
Hey Ryan Tucker here, R2. I play as police stick sock jelly on the cleric of the group.
I'm a MacGyver of all things trash and garbage. Fun fact, sock jelly makes a great trash panda marinade.
Hi, I'm Tristan Hayes and I'm the dummy master. And my fun fact is, sloths have been known to grab their own arm,
mistaking it for a branch which causes them to fall out of trees and sometimes kills them.
Oh my god!
That's awesome! He's like, ehhh, ehhh, ehhh.
So where we left off, you guys had left a cavernous area and escaped the hook whores.
And you came across this opening that led into what looked like actual stone walls.
And you saw a big giant green gelatinous cube sitting there, speaking to you in your minds, and says,
Hi, I'm Galabagool. What do you do?
So you all want to start chatting up with him? I want to check these walls out for sure.
I'm a very chatty person, so...
Who are you?
My name is Galabagool. It's the name I've given myself.
What are you guys...
What are you?
Oh, I'm a gelatinous cube.
Can't you see?
What are you guys doing down here?
Trying to go west.
Sightseeing?
Yep, just tunnel.
Well, I don't know if you were aware, but there is a demon lord that has awakened down here,
and that's why I'm smarter than the rest of the cubes, and I can speak.
And my name is Galabagool.
So you're a demon.
No.
A demon lord made you speak.
Yes, a demon lord made me speak. Gave me an intelligence of ten.
What is your purpose?
I stand here.
I eat people that walk through me.
Galabagool, can you pull that sword out of you, or is it stuck in there for good?
I could. This mace.
It is hidden by my green cube goo.
But I haven't had friends in a long, long time.
I've been down here by myself.
I can eat people.
I might be able to use that mace to try and stop the dragon from killing possible future friends that you could have.
It's kind of hard to make friends with the dragons.
They're not dragon, but demon is a, you know, killing same thing.
Demon lord, you scared me.
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, they both kill indiscriminately.
Make persuasion check.
Oh, no.
That would be, uh, aces.
Oh, oh, oh.
That's fine. I rolled to see if he...
Luckily he's barely intelligent enough to speak.
See what's going on, yeah. He rolled an eight.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, I'm gonna give it to you.
So Galabagool says, so you'll let me be your friend, and I can come with you guys, and we can go see stuff other than these walls.
Sure.
Okay, so as you say that, you can kind of see, like, he's got two eyeballs floating inside of his cube, and they, you can, they don't have eyelids, but you can tell that they just got happy.
Like the eyelids kind of, like, the eyes kind of, they're bigger.
He really wanted friends.
And then he goes, and throws up the mace.
So you picking up the mace then?
Sure.
Okay.
Um, actually, so when you grab the mace, uh, you pick it up, and you see the tip of it kind of spark a little bit, and it lights up with a green flame.
That is just glowing at the tip of the mace.
So you can use an action to make the head of the mace a light with a green flame, or use an action to extinguish the flame.
While the mace is lit, it glows as brightly as a torch, and deals an extra one-fire damage on it.
That's what it's like.
What's its standard damage?
It's just normal mace.
Okay.
Whatever.
Okay, very nice, very nice.
Yay, good job.
What else you got in there, Gloppa-Gool?
Um, he goes, blah, blah, blah, and spits out, like, what looks like a kind of digested body of a drought.
Oh.
And you can have that back.
Oh, wow.
This kind of steps over and sucks it back up then.
So Gloppa-Gool kind of scoots backwards and just keeps scooting backwards until he's into a bigger open room.
You guys are going to just kind of follow him through this tunnel of ruin here.
All right.
I always want to check out these walls to see what's going on with the stem alert.
Okay.
You're going to do your stone cutting, so do your history check, and you'll add your whatever you've got on it.
If you have anything, and what you got?
Negative one.
Okay, so you'll add plus four, though.
Okay, plus four.
18 plus four.
Okay, so you definitely look at the walls of this place, and you can tell that this place has been down here for a long, long, long time.
And it's kind of been shifted and broken up from the demon lord Jubilex's arrival.
So the walls are like cracking and breaking, and you can see kind of bits of water trickling through it throughout the stones.
So you can definitely tell that these stones are not holding up well.
Not stable.
Yes.
All right.
Just follow Gloppa-Gool.
All right.
Follow Gloppa-Gool.
You get your way through like a little bit of a tunnel there, and it cuts off and opens to a slightly bigger room, about 20, 30 feet wide room.
But there is visible like puddles of water all along the wall.
And Gloppa-Gool leads you on again down a very long tunnel that goes throughout winding through this big temple.
There's just more water in the corners of the rooms all across.
You get to the end of this long hallway, and it cuts around, and you have, there's four like doorways that all go to the west.
And there is one like tunnel work broken up path.
You can see where the stone wall was broken, and there's like a path leading back to the east.
That's all that's ahead of you. There is definitely water building up in the floor.
As you can see it visibly in like the corners and stuff.
Gloppa-Gool kind of scoots over the corner and just waits for you guys to decide what you want to continue to do.
We need to go west.
But there's four options to go west.
Are we supposed to be heading west?
Yeah, I think I'm not sure.
So currently, because if you guys remember before you entered this place, the tunnel you were going through collapsed.
You guys had to make your saves to dive through the tunnel, and you all made it.
So right now you don't really know which direction is which.
You know what I mean? You guys don't know which.
If west right now is going to lead you back where you go.
This is just west from the room you're standing in.
Okay, and you said there's a cracked pathway, but it's filling up with water.
Yes, you can see lots of water building up in there, piled up on the floor.
It's not like deep, deep water.
The path you just see is lots of water.
But you've seen that throughout the whole temple now.
There is definitely water building up.
And you know that the stone is not well made stones.
They're old and they're falling apart.
It's about to go down.
So you've got two options to go east or there's the four paths to the west.
They just look like four doorways that kind of lead down the hallway paths.
What do you think squad?
I don't want to drown.
Four doorways.
There's a lot of options. My options.
The crack seems scary. The crack path.
I'll let you guys decide. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hopefully run into something that wants to kill us.
Before options to go the same direction. Why?
I see we take one of the two from the east.
Which one would you like? There's a very far right door.
There's another one.
They're all lined up right there together.
You can see the paths go back throughout it.
Are they just doorways or paths?
They're actually look like real doorways.
It's not just a counter.
I was just wondering if there's four doors going in one cavern.
You can't really see down the path because it is very dark.
It's very dim lit.
The dark vision people can see.
You can see ahead but it looks like it goes down a path and then cuts off.
You can't really see. Each one cuts off.
I can take point with the flame base.
We're about to walk into a lab room.
Which path are you going to take? Which door?
One, two, three, or four. You can just say which one and I'll look ahead on here.
Three? Duke Crystal is leading the way.
All three? All right.
Give me a perception check. Duke Crystal.
I can give you a hint.
That would be...
Yeah, 19.
So ahead you see like this.
There's a piece of the floorings like stone, you know, going on like the actual stone.
You see one that's kind of like uneven with the rest up ahead of you.
Yeah, I'll point that one out to you. Let's not step on that stone.
It's about 10 foot of a stone slab there.
Should I check integrity?
How much do you weigh?
What do you mean? Check integrity?
Oh, you mean you want to check the floor?
See if it's a trap.
Yeah, how are you going to do that? How are you going to walk up and check the trap?
Check the spot before a trap.
Without stepping on it.
Definitely without stepping on it.
Is there any loose rocks right now and I can throw a heavy rock on it?
I can throw a couple of crumbled rocks from the walls.
Let's throw a big rock on it and see if it does anything.
Okay, make me a range to attack.
So...
What is that?
A nine.
A nine? Okay, so you toss it on there and the floor collapses as you hit it with the rock.
So you've got a 10 foot gap now.
Alright guys, who's chucking me?
Who's chucking you?
He's now a torpedo. He's a rock.
Just throw it.
I probably should not have that strength.
My biggest question is what is Goobal going to do?
Goobal?
Can he stretch?
No way, the gelatinous dude can jump.
No, he can...
He can slime a wall, right?
Yeah, he actually can stick the line to the wall and shit.
Can he give us a ride?
Well, I'm an asshole so I'm jumping across.
Okay, give me half a place.
Get a ride on the jelly ball.
That'd be seven plus seven.
Okay, you make a cross.
Anybody else jump?
Are you guys going to go right, try and ride?
I don't trust him, so...
Can he jump?
Can he get to throw you?
Yeah, can he shoot me in the gelatinous?
That's up to you.
I don't want to get inside him.
I think I'm going to jump it.
You're going to jump it or you want to have to try and throw you?
I'll stand there and throw me a good head.
I'll stand here and I'm ready to catch you.
Okay, I'll let you roll with advantage because he's going to stand ready to catch him.
So that's a help action.
Okay, so roll again.
What you guys?
16.
Plus... nothing?
Yeah, I'll give it to you.
I'll say you kind of... how do you do this?
How do you throw...
Shot with a style.
Throw him like a suit.
Yeah, so you're like a balancer throwing him out of a club,
grabbing him by his belt loop and his collar just launching him across.
Duke Crystal catches you fluently and then drops you on the ground.
Because...
Alright, so Duke Crystal, Flea Stick, you guys are across the gap.
Archie, what are you doing? You going to jump?
I'm going to try to jump it.
Okay, give me athletics.
I'm standing at the ready still.
I'm holding advantage.
So it's 14 plus 2, 16.
Alright, you can go again if you want.
I might get something better.
We're going to go with the first one.
You jump across.
So, Miss Muffin, are you going to jump this gap in the trap that they found?
Or how are you going to get across this gap?
Glabagool's kind of standing by, but he's just in the back.
The rest of them jumped.
I mean, they jumped.
Archie, aren't you actually through Flea Stick?
You do what you want. Jump.
They jumped.
I'm not insisting on basic killer.
Okay, jump.
Just athletics check.
You should always lean on your feet.
I know, right? That's what I'm thinking.
He's all on my shoulder.
I don't want to kill her.
She barely misses.
Can I try to roll and catch her?
You can try to catch her.
My athletics is a minus one, so this is not good.
Oh, great.
Natural one.
Bug, dog.
You guys shouldn't have let me jump.
I should have let you jump.
That's me and my baby dog.
So, you fall to the bottom.
Actually, no. Okay, actually, yes.
I was going to give you a save, but you can't.
So, you fall to the bottom.
You take...
No, you don't get to. Sorry.
Six damage.
Dang.
Is Hazel okay?
She landed on me.
That was Glavibull.
Go down there and get her.
Did anyone have a rope?
Glavi can bring her up.
I'm not sure.
Can you get inside the glove?
Can I climb up?
Is it safe?
You might, but you can't.
You might not.
So, actually, no. Here's what happens.
So, you fall down into this hole
and take six damage and you're hurting pretty bad.
Glavibull slimes his way through the hole
and goes down there, literally,
and engulfs you and slides out as fast as he can
and then spits you back out next to everybody.
Am I okay from that?
You're fine.
You're welcome, my friend. I thought I lost you.
Cat died, though. He ate the cat. He kept it inside.
You're a true friend.
All right.
So, now that that happened,
you kind of turn around after that.
So, the skill happens and you see a fountain
in the middle of this room.
Perfect.
And there's, like, notches in all the walls.
There's, like, six notches.
And one of the notches is pouring water through it.
Nice.
It's a trap.
A fountain is definitely filled with water.
Pressure trap.
What are you doing in this room?
I'm just digging.
Gain some insight on it.
Um...
Yeah, you can go ahead and do that.
Go ahead. Give me a history check.
Nine plus four.
What you got? Nine plus four?
Wait, what?
Would it be insight, though?
No, it would just be history.
All right. I'll negative one.
Eight.
And you're, like, rubbing your hands across them and...
Plus four, because I'm standing in front of you.
I'm sorry.
So, you got... What'd you get? Eight?
It would be nine. It would be twelve.
All right. I'll give you this, then.
So, as you run your hand across the wall,
you feel, like, seven niches.
Like, niches. I don't know how to say that word.
Nenches. Nenches, yeah, in the wall.
And, um, every, like, so many,
there's water you can feel, like, trickling through the walls
just slightly.
So, there's also the big area of pouring water,
and the walls are actually seeping through these spots in the walls.
Uh...
Yeah.
That's not...
So, they're just holes?
Yeah. They're just niches in the walls that sleep in...
They're just sleeping in water.
So, is the water safe to drink?
Um, do we need it?
You can try. It's just...
It's just water from inside of a cave.
I can use it to wash all my goop off.
Yeah, sure.
Wash the goop off. Are you guys climbing the fountain, or...?
I don't know. Me and Rachel need to watch out.
Is there any insight to this fountain? Like, what is this fountain?
Um, you can make an investigation check.
Somebody who has good investigation can check out the fountain.
Yeah, that's not me.
Anybody got good investigation?
Uh, I think I got plus one.
I'm gonna break into it.
I have plus three.
Okay, so, Miss Muffin steps forward to check the fountain.
I'm gonna investigate the fountain.
Seven plus three.
Seven.
Damn.
Um, how do you search the fountain?
How do you, like, what's Miss Muffin doing to search this fountain?
She's just... Yeah, she's...
She's gonna whale flop inside of it, look around, sniff it.
Okay, so, um...
You dive into the water just, like, sporadically, frantically,
and Hazel, like, rams at you real loud
and jumps off your shoulder onto the side of the fountain
and starts looking herself pissed off that you just jumped in water with her.
Um, but you find...
112 silver pieces, 41 gold pieces,
three gold bracelets,
a plus one dagger that has the hilt of a spider design on it,
a potion of greater healing,
and a vile containing oil of slipperiness.
Ooh!
What are you wishing?
Oh, you know, fuck!
Got the loo, boy.
That's just wild loo.
You can put it in your inventory.
You have a plus one dagger.
Is this what you want?
Um...
I don't know.
Right at me.
I don't know how to test this or how you want to test it out if it's a wishing well.
Katherine, uh, some kind of...
What would you call it?
That was for drugs.
You were just for drugs?
Okay, so, uh, you're gonna walk up and you're gonna toss in, uh,
uh, gold piece, one gold piece.
Roll D100.
Yeah.
This is gonna be pure luck roll. This is what I'm doing.
I'm gonna do a luck roll.
Please, for the drugs.
That is a 42.
Wow. I literally put it at 40.
It was lower. You were not gonna find anything.
Listen to this. Okay, so, you kind of push everybody out of the way and you throw your coin in there and you're like,
just give me drugs.
So, Glabagool hears this and kind of slides up from behind.
And he says, uh, he says, uh, you're Duke, right? Duke's your name?
You didn't introduce yourself, but you're Duke, right?
I heard your friends call you Duke.
Yeah, that's what people call me.
You like drugs?
Love fucking drugs.
So, uh, Glabagool, like, sticks out a side of his, like, his cube, one of the corners, as if he's going for,
as if he's going for like a knuckle punch.
Like, he's like, oh, that's cool, bro. That's tight.
He goes, that's tight, bro. And he, like, sticks out a side of him.
Are you gonna, you're gonna tap on Glabagool to give him a little...
I lick his elbow.
You lick his elbow?
Whatever it was.
So, you go up and...
I lick his elbow.
Okay, so, uh...
I lick it.
So, you walk up and you lick his elbow, and, uh, he's like, oh no, dude.
Oh no. Oh no.
Dude, you were supposed to wait.
If you would have waited, I would have given you...
You're gonna freak out.
Oh no.
So, yes.
That's the worst.
He was, he was gonna give you a concoction, but you licked it.
The direct, um, what do you call it?
The direct base of the origin point?
Yes, the origin point of it, so it's like the most potent, uncut, like, slimy, nasty liquid on your tongue.
That's what I went for.
Nothing quite happens yet, but you can definitely feel your body like tingling.
Tingling, your brain's like tingling, everything's tingling.
Should we tie him up?
Yes.
He's gonna get more dirt.
All right.
Anything else?
Does that regenerate?
What?
Does he constantly produce that?
Don't give him any more qualifiers.
He's, he's, yeah, it's his goo, it's his goo basically.
He can produce, he can produce like a special chemical that keeps him.
I'm taking him back to the real world.
No.
He's just looking at the skeetcher.
He's gonna work in my lab.
Um.
I got a lick.
Fuck it.
Her labs.
So as you guys continue rummaging around the fountain room, Shushar comes sprinting down
the path you guys are on and says, we gotta get out of here, we gotta get out of here,
we gotta get out of here.
The Brock loop just broke loose and the place is filled with water.
So the path that you guys originally came from is now like damn near engulfed in water.
There's like, you can see it coming through the walls.
Oh no.
So what do you do?
Run.
You've got, the only option is the other path.
So I guess you guys are gonna take that to.
We're gonna go fast as fuck.
Okay, so as you go sprinting through this tunnel broken off into the path, you open up to a
big room just filled with water and it's pouring in.
But you can tell at this point, there is nowhere really for you to go because the whole place
is filled with water.
You've got about two actions worth of time before you're completely filled with water
in this place.
What do you guys want to do?
In the no path out.
There's a huge room here that's filled with water and you can see water pouring in from
the top.
Like there's water pouring down from the top.
Not just like a crack in the wall, there's like a hole up there pouring water in.
So we ride the water to the hole and line out.
Alright, so you guys are going to wait it out and swim to the top of the pool or ride
the water to the top of the pool and try to climb out the hole.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So everybody give me athletics checks as this place completely filled with water and
now filled to the top and you need to swim.
24.
8 minus 4?
Natural 20?
Yep.
Natural 20 plus 4.
Damn, okay.
Hell yeah.
What'd you get?
7.
9, 9, 2, so I'll let it.
11.
Okay.
8.
You got an 8?
Yes.
Okay, so with the natural 20 of fleece stick, you can see that there's a lot of water
coming through the pool.
Miss Muffin, you failed.
So as you kind of start swimming, but you're trying to catch Hazel as you're swimming and
falling and starting to sink down a little bit, fleece stick sock jelly, the cleric of
the group is like a torpedo launched out of a submarine.
He's just like ffff, he comes flying up through the water and grabs you on the way since you're
the one who failed on that.
Worst?
Save me.
And what'd you get?
11.
So you swim to the top and you got an 8, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Shoo-shar comes flippering by with his swimming body and grabs you and takes you up as he
rolled very good.
And the rest just follow their way up because fleece stick saved Miss Muffin.
Duke and Archie swam out and the rest made it as well.
Galapagool, you see him at the bottom of the water and he kind of just starts like jumping
and floating to the top and then squeezes through one of the cracks and like a different crack
in the wall.
So you may see him in a little bit or see what happens with him.
You should have seen him through the niches in the wall.
I didn't think about him contorting down to small size but oh well.
So you guys made it out of there.
I was good thinking fleece stick sock jelly because that was literally the one way out.
There's a water coming on the top.
Good on ya.
You guys kind of swim out and you're in like what seems to be a huge like almost like a
river in this cavernous area.
It's just like a big huge body of water.
You see kind of tunnels passing off in different various areas.
Shoo-shar kind of points you off and says I think we're getting close to my home.
I can almost recognize some things here and points you off towards a certain path.
So you guys are going to swim over there and take that path, follow Shoo-shar, you're going
to investigate other things.
There's like multiple paths in this huge room.
You see as you come across the water and climb up on some rocks.
What's your name squad?
Do we have time to investigate before we die?
Follow along.
I think not risk it.
I think you're going to be fucking falling at this point.
I don't want to risk Hazel's life.
Oh that is right.
I'm just fall holding it.
So, hmm, let's see here.
Duke, I guess give me, oh this would be wisdom or constitution.
It's like is your body going to withstand what's about to happen or is it your mind?
My constitution.
Go with constitution.
We'll see what happens.
There is eleven.
Eleven.
So, you can start telling that at this point, like the room is changing colors.
Like things are starting to ripple into colors.
You still are standing, you're still thinking, but it's getting, it's getting blurry.
Hell yeah.
Or you say you guys are going to follow Shoo-shar's path or you're going to investigate further
on other things.
I'm not going to get into colors man.
I'm not going to follow Shoo-shar.
I'm going to follow Shoo-shar and not die.
My kitty doesn't want to die either.
Okay.
I hate that kitty.
No.
Keep his druggy away from me.
Alright, then at this point Shoo-shar leads you guys through some tunnels and starts like
rapidly getting quicker and quicker.
You can tell he's moving.
He knows where he's going.
He's starting to recognize this area big time.
And you finally come out into this humongous, like, looks like a swamp but isn't a swamp.
And he says this is the dark lake.
This is my home.
The dark lake, we use it for fishing.
It's a holy place.
And our town of Slup-de-Loupe is located inside the dark lake.
And I can take us there.
We're almost there.
He gets very excited, but you guys have to kind of traverse across this like weird swampy,
dark, like humongous lake.
I have stint.
I don't mean you have to actually traverse.
I just mean it's happening.
So, let's go to Slup-de-Loupe.
Slup-de-Loupe.
Okay, so Shoo-shar takes off running and you kind of see this like huge, like fenced gate.
Like there's this humongous gate.
It's about 300 foot wide, like long gate.
Like it's huge.
This is a huge place.
And as you're walking up, Shoo-shar stops and tells everyone to stop.
And you see a group of people like him, the Kuatowa, kind of marching around.
There's eight of them walking around with like spears and bows and all kinds of various weapons.
And suddenly you hear a shout and six other Kuatowa come running out of nowhere and just start violently killing each other.
They all are fighting and cutting each other down.
And you can tell something crazy is going on in this place.
Shoo-shar looks frightened, but he looks like he knows what's happening.
He knows what's going on.
As they all start to fall, Kuatowa are dying off.
And you see a...
Okay, okay, that was like I'm saying, this is fucking names.
Bear with me here.
Alright, so the Kuatowa walks up and does the...
Like Shoo-shar had done before to you guys to speak.
And he then sticks out his hands, seeing that you guys can't understand him and casts tongues.
So, what that does is you guys can understand their language for one hour until it's casted on you again.
The language of the one who casted it.
He says, I am blue blue-peen, Archpriest of the Sea Mother.
Blip-du-pup.
She answers my prayers and my delivering you.
Help us and you will be rewarded for your service.
What is hard? What the fuck did he just say?
I understand tomorrow language is very hard for people of the common language.
But I'll repeat, I am blue blue-peen.
Blue blue-peen.
Archpriest of the Sea Mother.
Blip-du-pup.
Is the left side of my face saggy?
Yes, yes it is.
You're here to help us. You'll be rewarded for your service.
Okay.
What did you say to this guy?
What do you need help with?
Nice to meet you, blue-pup-dippity-dup.
Blue-pup-dippity-dup. I like that name, but you can call him blue.
Okay, blue.
So, we have lived in harmonious service here in the will of the Sea Mother for some time.
There were occasional visionaries who stirred up trouble and he kind of casts like a...
looks over at Shushar and gives him like a shitty look.
Visionaries have troubled up our past here, our time here.
There's nothing of any great concern, but a few weeks ago...
Blop-bleep-pahd.
Blue blue-peen's own daughter experienced a powerful vision of Limigugugun, the Deep Father.
By proclaiming he the new God of her people, she has backed up her claims with a great increase in her magical power,
and new followers have flocked to her.
We are split in two, fighting amongst ourselves, and we need help.
What do you do?
I guess we're gonna help Blue-Lim.
We need some help.
He gives you a wink Archie for calling him blue.
So, as he kind of walks you towards the gate, you guys haven't walked up yet,
but he's kind of like got his arms around you to talk to you.
And he explains that he goes, I know this is gonna sound crazy, and I just need you to hear me out.
But I want to use you guys as bait. The Archpriest of the Deep Father needs humanoid sacrifices,
and the party represents a prize collection in that regard.
Blop will offer you guys a token of peace and reconciliation to get closer to the Archpriest of the Deep Father.
So, you aren't gonna be like helpless, you're gonna have all your weapons, you're gonna have all your gear,
but you're gonna be pretending because they don't care to take weapons from people because they have so many here.
Like I said, this is a huge place, but...
So, he's basically saying, yes, he wants to use you as bait, so that once you guys get into the sacrifice,
he can aid you in an ambush, attack them from both sides, from the inside and the out.
He says he will reward you with anything you guys need, any aid you can have, anything he can do for you.
He explains that they are very well traversed down here, they know how to move, they know how to do things.
So, what do you do with that information?
I guess we're gonna be fake sacrifices.
Fake sacrifices?
I'm not sure.
I'm down.
How do we know that they're not gonna really hurt us?
Well, because they're leaving us without our weapons, so I feel like we still have a pretty good chance.
And you just saw them murder a bunch of their own kind in front of the geese.
So, how are you right now? Are you gonna go for it?
Yeah.
How are they gonna fake sacrifices?
They're going to put fake knots, real knots, like fake ties around your hand, and you're gonna go up to the sacrifice,
and then once the sacrifices begin and they're all gathered, then Bloops, people, and himself will attack and ambush while you guys are inside.
So, you can attack and then they can attack as well.
Oh, right.
It'll be like a...
Hmm.
Sounds alright.
That's why you talked to the dude who was with us. See if that sounds sus or not.
He didn't really like Shushar.
Shushar is very, like, standoffish. He looks as if he's done something very wrong,
and he kind of walks steps up and he's like, Ploop, I know my actions are wrong, but I've changed my life and I've turned to peace.
He goes, I want to help with this. I want to, but I can't fight.
But I am with you in any way you need other than fighting.
So, Ploop kind of puts a hand on his shoulder and nods to them, and you guys can...
Shushar is definitely...
Ploop was the original ones. They were the good ones, and his daughter saw visions of the Deep Father.
Loom-a-goo-goon or whatever she called it.
Whatever the fuck she called it.
Loom-a-loo-loo.
Yeah, Loom-a-loo-loo.
And, uh, yeah, so you can tell that these are the good guys. He tells you these are the good guys.
Alright, let's do it.
Okay.
Get to it.
Okay, so as you approach the gates, there stands four Kuatowa whips, which are like guard Kuatowa.
As you walk up, uh, I forgot his name, Ploop, Ploop kind of waves them on and they let you all pass through.
And as you walk through these gates, you see a huge village. Absolutely huge.
He says, uh, our population now is up to about 500, so we're really, really struggling here with everybody being divided.
Um, and he starts leading you through, and you can see, like, docks off to the, uh, west.
There's, like, a whole row of docks with, like, boats lined up. All kinds of various boats.
Uh, there are Kuatowa everywhere. There's guards, there are civilians.
They're all over the place. There's, like, huts made all over the place, like, out of the fucking shit they have around them.
Um, and then he leads you through and he points over to a shrine, a very large shrine.
And he says, this is the shrine of the sea mother. It's a nine-foot tall statue that stands there.
Its body is roughly carved from some kind of wood in the shape of a humanoid female.
The forearms formed from the severed head and claws of a giant albino crayfish.
His parts are lashed on with strands of guts and emit an overpowering stench of rotting shellfish.
Shells brightly colored stones, mushrooms, and rotting fish are piled up the statue's feet and strung in garlands around its neck.
Four stern Kuatowa slowly circle the statue, alert and on guard, while a few others mill about gazing up at the statue and bowing repeatedly while chanting.
So, yeah, he kind of explains that this is the shrine of their god-sea-mother.
I'm not even going to try to say her name again.
Is it Blop-Bloop?
Yeah.
And then he kind of leads you over to his hut and he kind of goes over the plan again with you.
Another Kuatowa walks in named Glucola-Glog and loudly tells him, makes no need for outsiders to be involved in sacred matters.
The arched priest dismisses his son, concerns with him, tells him to get on, get lost, that this is all his matter.
He got this hammered.
The guys are inside of his hut and he goes over the plan again and you guys tell you you can rest here if you want to rest.
Yes, long resty.
Long resty.
You guys long rest then?
Right out this high.
Sober this bitch up.
All right.
Fuck his house up.
All slots back, full health.
Nate, give me a wisdom safe.
As you're trying to sleep.
Tripping.
Are you serious?
No fucking way.
All right, so...
No sleep for the women?
I'm sorry.
You close your eyes and you try to go to sleep and it's like rapid flashing.
You saw the lights, you saw the colors, you thought it was cool and then it starts jerking into twisty forests.
You see this huge dark twisty forest.
You see a really large tower with like a light on top and you see like this weird dark village.
And you feel like pure dread.
You feel pure sadness.
You feel darkness only in that moment and it pulls something, a piece of you that just doesn't feel right.
So you are going to get your rest, long rests, but for the next hour after you wake up,
no, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, for the next, until you rest again to get a good rest, you will not be able to use rage.
That's bonkers.
The consequences of drugs.
The consequences of failing on drugs.
You look disoblin.
You don't need it. Your strength is ridiculous.
Alright, so.
I'll take my flame mace and their gaping ass.
Alright, everybody full of health.
Everybody's got their splots back, Kelly.
You got full health? Brian, did you get full health?
Do I have to roll for it?
Just full health. You got everything back.
Okay, so as you guys all start to wake and stir up,
Blue Crystal's already awake before anybody else just staring out the door in anticipation, pissed, and ready to go.
The Archpriest of the Sea Mother steps forward across the span of the altar towards the Kuatoha waiting frame there.
Says, the time has come for us to acknowledge your divine vision and welcome it.
I have brought these offerings.
He gestures toward all of you, standing within a circle of guards behind him.
Will you not accept them? You are wise.
The young Archpriest, his daughter, yells back at him,
I accept your offering in the name of the Deep Father.
May their blood nourish and strengthen him.
You hear all the Kuatoha burbling and doing the raga raga raga raga raga.
Fist raising the air, pissed off, ready to go.
They want some blood.
You see them bringing over a beat-up, bruised to pieces.
is like he's heard. They're dragging him and he's like a dwarf, kind of like the
drow, the dark elves, but a dark dwarf called the dwarf Durgar is what they're
called. So they're dragging him along as a sacrifice as well. So you guys are
bound up by a ploop. He ties you up loose enough to where you can break free
easily anytime. And you are all brought to the Deep Father's shrine. The idol of
the Lime Gugun, the Deep Father, consists of a large hide cut roughly in the
shape of a manta ray and stretched out on cords between two support poles. A dead
splayed out manta ray is pinned to the arranged into the array. Their heads tied
together and painted with red and blue pigments. The idol reeks of decay and the
broad stone altar below the idol is stained dark with blood.
So, uh, very vicious. It's very nasty. So Kuu-Toe are like parading around the
altar and they're all just like chanting. They're doing the
Ewok song. No, no. Yeah, that's what they're doing. All right. But they just kind of
parade around in a blot-pleat pod. A ploop's daughter. We're calling them blot.
Blot. Blot. Purr. Says that calls for the sacrifices to be brought forth and
there is one Kuu-Toe of Purr each of you that starts to kind of walk you over,
kind of hurting you like animals with like little spears like poking at you. And
you step down into a depression like into the altar and you guys are all pushed
down on your knees right in front of the blood bucket and before you know it you
hear the cries of all of the bloop and his soldiers come rushing in and his
daughter he runs up to her and he says I'm sorry my child and just smashes her
head in with a staff. So she she is out he just like looks at her body like
solemnly just staring down at her and looks to you and says let's do this and
takes off running to go fight some more.
So...
All right so let's roll initiative. Let's roll some initiatives.
Because she's the leader of the Deep Father Colt.
16 plus 3.
She's a dirty bitch.
19.
5 plus 3 so 8.
8, 13, 14.
11, 13.
11.
Alright.
You see the little pole?
The little range.
Rage?
Overpowered.
You'll get the effects from that yes but you won't be able to use range.
You'll get the strength advantage and three extra actions.
Extra action for three turns.
Okay so...
Let's see here.
So for Kuu-Atoa approach to fight you guys.
As everybody else starts getting on it.
It is R1 Archie Ortiz.
You are up first in the initiative.
So they're coming up at us?
Yup.
I'm ready to go.
Swing my cane at one of their faces.
Alright.
Smack him up.
6 plus 5, 11.
Oh sure.
I'm on the wrong thing.
6 plus 5, 11?
No, that would not hit.
Sorry sir.
He just kind of like, doesn't like fish dance and just kind of flips his tail and moves out of the way when you start swinging at him.
I'm gonna get him next time.
Dude Crystal.
Your turn.
Mabua.
I'm gonna burn the nearest one next to me with that damn flame-banks.
A confisky and faster.
800.
That is...
14 to hit.
Yeah, go hit.
Nice.
And that is...
6 plus 5, so 11 plus 1 fire damage.
11 standard 1 fire damage.
11 standard 1 fire?
Damn.
Big boy hurt.
And that was a max damage roll.
Like that, like that.
Gonna have some fish for dinner.
Alright.
Next up is...
Feasting sock jelly.
Alright, I guess I'm gonna crack one of them right in the gill.
What am I, flea mace?
Stick it up in his gill.
I'm assuming I didn't hit it with a 12.
That does not hit.
Fish flea.
Alright, uh, Kelly, Miss Muffin.
I'm gonna use my dagger.
Are you all individually attacking one?
I just went for the closest to being so near.
I'm gonna use my dagger and I'm gonna use my bonus action and dash up dagger one.
You don't need a dash.
Close enough, yes.
They all ran up on you while you're in the...
Since they're already so close, I'm just gonna dagger, dagger, dagger.
Actually, you can only dagger.
You can dagger.
Only one dagger?
But you can dagger, dagger, dagger.
I want to put it there.
Okay, so I got 5 plus 6 and then I roll 1 beats 4 plus 4.
I don't know what is...
I got 5 plus 6.
That will not hit.
Okay, I don't get to dagger, dagger, dagger.
Because these people are tough.
I can't dagger, dagger, dagger.
Why do you dagger?
Alright, so as this happens, Prince Derendil, who they didn't bound up,
neither is... he was with Shushar and the gelatinous cube is waiting by the outside.
Prince Derendil comes running up and Nate, give me two attack rolls for Prince Derendil.
You are going to use this companion in this fight. Go for it.
Yes.
So that's 11.
I don't know if he has any bonuses to that.
Need an attack?
I should say.
That will plus 5.
So I got 16 on the first one.
And then it's plus 5, so 12 on the second one.
Okay, so the first one will hit.
And that is 1d6 plus 3.
So 3 plus 3 is 6 damage.
Is he attacking the one that you were fighting?
You want to send him after a different one.
I think you are the only one who's hit.
I'll send him after one I'm attacking too.
Is that one you're attacking?
Good deal.
So Prince Derendil runs up, growling into slices with his claws once,
and slices across them and does a lot of good damage to him.
Now it is the Kuatoa's turn.
The one on Duke Crystal.
He's going to try and use his big, frisky fish mouth and try and bite you.
Oh fuck.
That is a 5 plus 3, that won't hit.
We're going to go down the line here because you're all fighting one.
Say you're not fighting me too, or you're fucking high as a kite.
I'm having a dread.
A 19 plus 3 will hit Kelly?
Miss Muffin?
Definitely.
A fish bite.
That hit?
Yeah, it'll hit.
A 19 plus 3, yeah, my class is 14.
Sorry.
Alright, 3 damage.
3 damage?
Good deal.
Alright, now we're moving on to the other one who has a net ready.
He kind of steps back and he goes to throw it at you, Archie.
And that is a 10 plus 3.
Does that.
Oof, you're lucky the net comes at you and you just kind of slash and move it out of the way.
And now we're going to the one going to Spear.
Fucking, uh, Flea Sticks suck, Kelly.
Yeah, it's not going to hit.
It's a 7 plus 3.
No?
He hit it?
Flea Sticks 16?
No, it's 16.
Cool.
Alright, top of the round.
Archie Ortiz.
There are creatures everywhere.
I'm going to try to hit him with my cane again.
Okay.
Try to crack him in the face.
Oh my gosh, a 9 plus 5, so 14.
14?
Mm-hmm.
That will hit.
Alrighty.
Okay.
Damage die.
But if I two handed I can't bonus action, can I?
Yup.
I'll like it.
Yeah, bonus action is just an unarmed strike as a mom.
So you can like, crack him and then just swing up and punch him, you know.
Alright.
8 plus 3.
So, that will not hit.
Uh, it's damage.
Oh, damage, fuck.
Oof.
What was it, 8 plus 3?
Yeah, so, good hit.
11 damage.
Yeah.
Alright, and then I'm going to bonus action.
Good shot.
Get it.
Isn't that what you did?
Jab right in the face.
If it hits, I'm going to jab him in the face.
Okay.
Punching good.
Uh, wow, never mind.
Unarmed strike?
Uh, it's 2 plus 5, so it does not hit.
Okay, good thing it was an unarmed strike.
Oh yeah, unarmed.
Um, good thing it was that.
Uh, that means it's up to...
Duke crystal.
Yes.
I'm going to reckless attack.
Thank God that was a crit fail.
Like, and a crit.
Reckless attack.
Negative advantage.
Oh, good.
So I got a crit fail and a crit.
So I'm going to take the crit.
And, uh, imagine he's going to be smited after this.
So it's 4, 5, 9 damage.
4, 5, 9 damage.
So 18 and then the 1 fire damage.
So 19 damage.
She does have 1.
Well, he is in...
So, he is soil.
Yeah, you...
Yes, he is now...
As you describe, he is soil.
There is nothing left in him.
He's just...
He's in the dirt.
He's part of the earth now.
He's no longer a fish person.
He has pinned my cartocles.
Yeah.
Okay.
He's down. You crushed him.
Um, I think that's next is...
Prince Daringdew.
Oh yeah, he rolled...
Yeah, he rolled 20 frames.
See, you can go ahead and go with Prince Daringdew if you want then.
He would have had ball use.
I'll just go for the nearest one.
The one I just cracked.
I'd say that's probably the one on this muffin.
Okay, well, good support for Daringdew.
I'll do the multi-attack again.
Okay, multi-attack it up.
Prince Daringdew.
That one's not going to hit.
Oof.
I don't think that...
You missed both?
Yeah, both of us.
Give me a wisdom save for Prince Daringdew.
Okay.
12...
1, so 30.
Alright, so Prince Daringdew misses his attacks and spins around with circle.
He slaps himself in the head.
He's like, ah, I'm Prince Daringdew, not some beast,
and then starts kind of running away from the fight for a turn.
Okay.
What a pussy.
Yeah, he's got his problem, so he doesn't get what he wants.
Um...
Prince.
That means, who was it?
Uh, Flea Stick?
Mm-hmm.
Yep, Flea Stick.
Got one on you.
I'm going for him with the flea mace.
I'm going to crack his ass in the guild this time.
Alright, 17 plus four.
I'll definitely hit.
Flea mace him.
Where's my D6?
Uh, square.
Should be.
Is it?
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
Alright, so eight.
Max damage.
It's eight damage.
Okay.
Good hit.
Uh...
Miss Muffin.
Your turn.
Um, definitely going to dagger.
Dagger dagger.
Oh.
Three plus six.
I suck.
That doesn't it.
Miss Muffin can't dagger.
Alright, so...
You did add that two plus two on damage, right?
Yeah.
Alright, cool.
Um, it don't matter no more.
Uh, so, as you guys all are just fighting and, uh, you know, swinging at each other,
everybody, there's blood everywhere, there's Kuatoha screaming.
Um, you hear, uh, this, well...
I was your friend.
You feel that, you hear this like, burbling cries of the Kuatoha off in the distance by
the surface of the water.
And further out, you guys start to see, like, bubbles and foam and, like, thick, oily, like,
tentacles just kind of come bursting out of the water and followed by another, another
one burst out.
And then you see two gigantic monstrous heads, like, break the surface of the water, both
resembling angry baboons and wickedly curved tusks.
Both heads are attached to a single torso and the monster's red eyes burn with bloodlust
and madness.
The creature arising from the Dark Lake must stand 30 feet tall or more, with water cascading
down its back and its shoulders.
Upon reaching its full height, the great demon throws back its head and roars.
And the demogorgon has came from the Dark Lake.
Ooh.
So...
I just realized that, uh, that dude that I turned into soil, he would have been even
worse soil because I forgot to use that vegetaric critical to have an extra attack die on top
of it.
Okay, so, right now, you see literally the fucking demogorgon just came out of the water.
Um, yes.
Hey, he did say something about an old demon or demogorgon.
He said the Lemigugun, the deep father.
Oh.
But it's actually the demogorgon.
Oh.
Fuck, Lululemon.
You said that.
It's on the story.
The demogorgon just rises up from the lake, the Prince of Demons.
Uh, so each of you need to give me a charisma saving throw.
A charisma saving throw?
Yes.
The fuck?
All the kutah around you are just like screaming Lemigugun!
And they're like bowing down like 19.
Motherfucker.
Good deal.
Where is charisma?
That is being very last.
That's the...
I got 13.
13?
17 plus 2?
17 plus 2, 19.
Okay, so you all save, but you see all the kutah around you instantly get like incapacitated.
They're like locked to the ground.
Oh, later to...
Yeah, actually to do something here.
Do you watch spiritual worship?
Okay, so, um...
Prince Darindale is locked to the ground.
He's stuck to the ground.
He can't move.
He's just kind of screaming out.
What a post.
Um, Shushar is off to the distance because he didn't join the fight.
He runs to you guys and he's like, I got a boat ready for you and you can get out of here if you need to get out of here.
He's drawn up a map to escape from the underdark through the waters, through the tunnels of the dark lake.
Um, but he drew up a map, but you guys have to go now to be able to get out of here and escape the Demogorgon.
You guys are going to fight this thing.
I'm ready to clap.
Me too.
I kind of want to fight it.
It's a Demogorgon.
It's probably going to fucking...
Yeah, we should play balance.
It's going to decimate us, but...
I don't want to fight it because I would like to live.
Alright, let's get out of here.
We should leave, yeah.
I don't like running.
Let's leave.
You're running. You're surviving.
You might have to drag Duke.
I will drag him out.
Let's tie him up and we'll drag him.
I grab him by his bell loop and then I'll take him out.
He's doing the bell loop call.
Alright, so four strike checks against one.
Is that what we're doing?
Yeah, do it.
Post-shrink checks.
Well, it shouldn't be hard.
You guys got it.
You're fine.
I credit it also.
You go to pick him up and it's like one of those moments when you pick up a cat by the nape of its neck.
You pick up Duke, Crystal by its belt and collar and he just goes...
How old is your diesel?
And just locks it up for you guys to carry on my little seat.
That's fine.
And Shushar kind of takes you over to the docks and puts you on a boat that has a couple, like, looks like harpoon placements on it
and like some oars to row and points you in the direction you need to be going.
But Shushar turns around and he says, I'm not going with you.
I've ran too long.
He goes, I've looked for peace.
I've looked for war and I've got them both.
And now it's time to save my village.
And Shushar turns around and starts walking towards the Demogorgon.
And you see the Demogorgon, 30 foot tall, like stepping out of the water.
And Shushar is like standing there proud and it's like screaming up at the Demogorgon like, this is your time!
And then the Demogorgon just crushes Shushar instantly, turns him into nothing but mist.
Nice.
Good.
Just great.
I was thinking light.
So Shushar just died trying to save his place with the power he definitely didn't have.
Are you guys ready to get the fuck out of here?
Yeah.
Okay, who's going to row?
I'll row.
I'm not very strong.
Actually, wait a minute, he should row, if he will.
The guy who doesn't want to leave?
If he doesn't do your bowl of meth, I guess all those things hurt my anger out on these fucking oars.
10.
10?
Okay, so you guys move forward a bit, but you're still in the zone of fucking chaos.
Akua Toa comes running and tries to jump onto the boat.
Jalebi.
RG.
Jalebi.
Jalebi should eat him.
Jalebi man?
Okay, Jalebi man blocks him and pushes him off into the thing.
Swallows him up, actually.
He goes to jump at you and the Julliton man just comes up out of the form of the boat.
He was in the cracks of the boat.
He comes up, grabs him and disappears.
He's just like, freedom!
Just because he's not going to nest in the boat.
Yep, that's what happens.
Give me another strength check, dude.
Do crystal.
Sorry, Archie didn't mean to steal your glory there, but...
That's okay.
I felt like Jalebi man should get some action.
That is a 20.
A 20?
Okay, you give her a good double or thrust.
She's going.
It's like a video game.
The clay does that.
Yeah, so I was literally about to say a video game when you use the sprint button on a boat.
You get the double dash push.
You guys hit a drift of water that starts to pull you through and you guys are cruising on down the dark road.
You do know the path.
You're going to follow that path, I'm assuming.
Yeah, I'm going to get the fuck out of the underdoor.
I'll follow the flow, go with the flow.
Okay, so as you are cooking ass away from the thing, you end up feeling like this huge wave of water
splashing behind you from assuming the demogorgon had made a wave just by splashing the water.
So everybody give me a dexterity or strength saving throw.
Whatever you have more on.
Oh, Crip.
I'm going to reroll that.
One plus five.
20 plus five.
16 plus two.
That's a 10.
10?
What did you get Kelly?
One plus five.
One plus five?
A natural one?
Yeah.
Wow.
Plus five.
I got a 20 plus five.
You got a natural 20.
Cats going?
You save her.
Cats going, cats going, cats going.
Save me!
You're thrown overboard, Kelly.
No!
You're splashed off into the water.
Is Hazel okay?
Your cat's just swimming around in circles.
Can be your Hazel!
The boat kind of comes to like a haltering like, you know, one of those things where it's hitting a wave and it's like flopping forward and back and forward and back.
I'm like, yeah, I kind of stop in there and that little tunnel you were taking.
And Kelly, you need to give me a strength check.
19 minus one.
18.
Okay.
You.
Better?
No.
Did you just reroll it?
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What?
Mini van.
Not the mini van.
Okay, so as you're thrown overboard and you start to swim away, you did critically fail, so you didn't quite get away immediately.
And some kind of fucking like creatures start flopping around inside the water like just like swimming through the water at you and bites you a bunch.
And you take five, six damage.
Oh my God.
Giant creatures.
But with your really good strength check, you did great.
With the really good strength check, you did climb up out of the water and back onto the boat.
With bites all over the place.
Yes, with bites all over the place.
I've already scratched up for my cat.
Now I've got these fish bites.
Okay, so you guys did escape.
So you did very well.
You guys are out of that area.
You're away from the Demogorgon.
You did great.
Critical fail.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart R1 as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker R2 as Fleasstick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the DM.
The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes.
The artwork for Dummies with Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under A-R-C-S-I-Z-R-O.
The theme song is the intense fiddle by Ben Caldera.
When it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website on RSS.com slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice.
Most importantly, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dummies with Dice for free or for $3 monthly to gain access to discord and bonus content.
Come back in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.