Good morning, this is Kat Alexander and you are listening to Un-fuck Yourself.
Where we talk about becoming authentic, anything about being authentic.
Right now we've been in the process.
Last week we talked about reasons we avoid being authentic and one of those was fear
of rejection.
And we started to look at how we avoid or act in ways to avoid being rejected and one
of those was people pleasing.
We also have moved in this week to list benefits of becoming authentic.
And one of those I want to talk today is about finding our true tribe.
I'm on a new journey to do that.
So here's a little bit about that and I hope you enjoy it.
So okay, when we want to find our own tribe, here are some of the reasons why.
It is because being with people who actually share our values and interests, we're going
to get real emotional and practical support.
If we put out something that isn't genuine and people support us, okay yeah they pat
us on the back and whatever or feel sorry for us if we're having a hard time but if
it wasn't even real and we just put it out there for attention it's wasted.
But when we're real and we hook up with like-minded people, we feel like we belong, we're accepted
for who we are, it is freedom and comfort.
For me, I know my confidence and self-esteem grows because I know when my mask is off and
I'm not pretending and I let you just see who I am and you keep coming around, that's
comforting.
Your true tribe can and will encourage personal support, it will encourage personal growth
and you'll grow as friends.
They'll be able to motivate you and inspire you and just waking up knowing that 3, 5,
10 people in the world love and support you, that's an amazing feeling.
Just when you're in true alignment are more meaningful, they're more fulfilling because
it's based on genuine understanding and common ground.
I promise you're going to have so much more happiness and contentment.
They're going to stand by you in difficult times.
You'll feel safe to be your real self.
That fear of judgment and rejection for the most part will eventually just drop and fade
away.
But don't get it twisted, it's not easy, it's not something you can rush into.
You have to take it slow.
But okay, I'm not saying take it super duper slow, I'm just saying that when we open up
and be ourselves, it can be scary.
You know, I go to 12 step meetings and the share time is usually contained and controlled
to 5 minutes or less.
So in that 5 minutes, if I want to open up and share something vulnerable and truthful,
whether it's an accomplishment, and that can be scary for some of us if we were told and
taught not to brag.
Well, it's not always bragging.
Sometimes it's just going, hey, I did this, it's okay to do that.
But that can be scary for people who were never allowed to speak up because maybe, I
know for me and my family, that was totally looked down on.
Or if we want to get it off our chest in a 12 step meeting that we almost relapsed or
back slid or something that we're just walking through, you know, knowing that I'm going
to get this over with, I'm just going to say it in 5 minutes and shut up and then everybody
else will talk and go on with their day.
You know, there's a little bit of comfort in that.
But if we say go to the lake for a few hours or have dinner or lunch with someone in a
restaurant, not, you know, as we're driving out of paper bags in the car, that one on
one looking people in the eye, extended talks of sharing, that takes letting your guard
down, you know.
It exposes ourselves.
So here's an example.
I recently had a professional appointment on Monday, so just two days ago.
And we had to go over some paperwork and make some updates.
What usually lasts about one hour for people actually turns into us being together like
three hours because of all the sharing we ended up doing.
It just kind of rolled out.
It was amazing.
Like I was really surprised.
Like the more I opened up with this person, they're becoming not just a professional relationship.
Like she is totally, totally becoming part of my tribe.
Like we are planning things together.
We have connected with some other women, we think share some of the things we're discovering
we like to do together.
We're inviting other people.
I mean, it's going places.
And I gotta tell you, it's exciting and it's got a sense of fun and adventure and I feel
safe.
And the reason I feel safe, you know, it's one thing like to go tailgating or have a
backyard barbecue and sip on a wine cooler or drink a beer and hang out and be shallow.
That's one thing.
Okay.
And yeah, it's a shared experience.
But when you sit and just talk with somebody and you're, you know, stone cold sober and
you're just sharing life and you resonate with people, that's such a better feeling.
So I've known this lady for about a year, but we've just in the past couple of weeks
started sharing personally.
And I never would have imagined how very much we have in common.
So here's the kicker though.
After those three hours, I came home and I had quite a bit of time on my hands.
And I thought, hmm, okay, I think I'm going to take a nap.
You know, I haven't had a long extended nap in quite a while and the kitties came up and
they wanted to be on my bed and they're laying on me.
So took my glasses off and put on some calm videos to just listen to and relax before
my evening walk.
And I really was tired.
But as I lay there, my head just kept tripping out, like just these random racing thoughts
kept jumping around in my head and I could not fall asleep.
And after what seemed like forever, I looked at the clock and I had laid down at 2 30.
I looked at the clock and it said 4 10.
And I'm like, oh my God, I've been laying here almost two hours listening to this stupid
stuff in my head.
Okay, I'm going to give it like 20 more minutes, make it a full two hour try, put something
else on to listen to and if I can't go to sleep, I'm just going to get up and go for
a walk early.
So I lay there and you know, the kitties are licking me and whatever.
And I look at the clock one more time and goodness gracious, it's not 4 10, motherfucker.
It's 5 15.
I had been there almost three hours listening to that in my head.
What the fuck?
So here are some of the thoughts.
This is what it was like.
It was like, okay, you know when you go on a first date and you're just kind of getting
to know each other, it's nothing serious.
That's how this appointment thing was.
It's nothing serious.
You're not, you know, if you're healthy, you're not sharing drama and trauma and anything
like that.
But you go home and your head in the past may have done this.
My head on Monday was like, how did that sound?
Did I sound stupid?
Did I share too much?
What are they thinking?
Okay, totally, absolutely crazy and uncomfortable.
So that night, Monday night, I was on my Zoom home group for my 12 set meeting that I've
been going to since 2020.
And a couple of dear friends were on there and I told them about what had happened.
And my good friend who used to sponsor me said, that's a vulnerability hangover.
And I'm like, wow.
She goes, yep.
She goes, sometimes I still get them, but you know, she's got 17 years in the program
and she's like, it's getting much better.
It just takes practice.
And I think vulnerability hangover is a good title.
You know, I don't know.
You know, even at 17 years, she says when she opens up, you know, it's different.
Like if we're part of, say, a 12 set program, we all have something definitely in common
we can always fall back on.
But when you're getting to know people and you don't have that one crucial thing that's
so bonding, it is kind of just vulnerable, you know.
You know, if you're wondering, it turned out great.
Nothing my head told me was real.
All those nervous thoughts were lies.
And you know, I'm just going to keep practicing it.
And you know, once I got up and went for a walk, you know, and shook it off, I was like,
okay, I'm doing the thing, you know.
So it's because, you know, some of us were hurt when we were younger.
And we developed trust issues.
That's a big word or phrase people say.
Or we put up walls.
You know, I remember after I got hurt a couple times by people really close where I had formed
two different friendships, you know, in a 10 year period.
I kind of got burned in both of them at separate times for separate reasons.
I as a young person, I not only put up walls and quit sharing as much like I tested people.
Like okay, I'm going to test you.
If you jump over that wall, cool.
Then I'm going to test you again.
If you jump over that wall, cool.
You're getting closer for me to let you in.
But when I grew up, I realized, you know, people do not keep jumping over walls that
we put up to test them.
Not healthy people.
Healthy people go, uh, too much.
I'm not into this.
It's unhealthy people that will keep jumping the walls.
So that's not a good thing.
We have to let our walls come down and it needs to be with safe people in order to find
our tribe.
So when we find our tribe, here are 10 things we're going to benefit from.
We're going to have a stronger support system than fake, uh, shallow connections.
Our self acceptance is going to skyrocket.
Some of us need as adults to have healthy friendships, affirm who we are when we're
being authentic so that we can accept ourselves.
Sometimes some of us, um, we're told some crazy negative stuff because our families
of origin or our early friendships were kind of broken and distorted.
And what people showed us back as if that's who we are, that really was, and that was
out of their brokenness.
So when we find true people that when we show ourselves and we just act as ourselves and
they're like, right on, then we're allowed to accept ourselves a little more too.
It's absolutely amazing.
We're going to get increased confidence, of course.
We're going to share in growth together with these people.
Hopefully if we just keep walking through it, we're going to have deeper connections,
greater happiness.
Our authentic expression will feel freedom to grow and to keep flourishing.
The depression, stress, anxiety is going to lessen.
We're going to feel empowered to finally go out, explore our passions, desires, wants
and goals because people are affirming who we are and we're going to go, all right, I
can do this thing.
And we're going to share joy.
A lot of real joy.
In order to find your true tribe, you have to be authentic and honest with yourself first
and then with others.
And here's what to look for or here's what to do.
First, take some time.
You know, Google what are values or go to chat GBT and say, give me a list of a hundred
top values that people hold for themselves.
Take a look at that list and pick out like 10 that you really feel you want to live by
and that's who you really are.
Next, ask yourself and maybe journal, what brings you joy?
You know, my kiddies bring me joy.
Walking in my neighborhood, like if you've seen the video on YouTube, you know, it was
a rough video because I don't know how to edit yet and I don't know how to work my camera
video thing yet.
But you got to see a little bit of the greenery around where I live in the hills and it's
just beautiful.
That brings me joy.
Now my roommates, not so much.
I mean, I think it's pretty, but they're not inspired to go out and go for a walk.
So this is about what brings you joy.
I love to sit at the ocean.
I love driving at night with stars out in the middle of nowhere.
I love bubble baths by candlelight.
I love airplane rides.
I totally love going anywhere in an airplane.
So make a list of what brings you joy.
Then, what are your limits?
Where do you do or need to say no to people and situations?
What is not okay for you?
Honestly, what are deal breakers?
It's okay to have deal breakers.
You know, some of us grew up feeling like we had to people please, you know, as part
of that, you know, we had to avoid rejection and abandonment and criticism and we were
just very sensitive people.
And there are, I know this from being online for years and being in all different kinds
of groups and from when I used to life coach, there are many people out there that are codependent.
I hate that word.
But I'm just going to say people pleasers at all costs and find themselves doing whatever
their children ask them because they're making up for something or doing whatever their partner
or perhaps the guy they just met wants because they totally want to be accepted.
And you know, there are deal breakers.
It's okay to have deal breakers and you need to have them because I tell you what, especially
if you're like dating, you know, anytime you're with any person in any type of relationship
and when you, you know, talk to people multiple times, you work with them, you go to groups
with them, whatever, you know, a relationship, say the person behind the counter at the local
BP gas station, there are deal breakers.
Like maybe you don't want somebody to call you sweetie.
Like I don't care.
But you know, some people that's offensive.
When we don't speak up and just say, excuse me, something to deter that, you know, it
grows.
Things grow.
So what are your deal breakers?
Next, what are your passions?
Like what really not just brings you joy, but some people have a passion for art.
They love to paint or draw or create and sculpt.
They love to go to museums.
Like it's a passion for them.
My cousin had a passion.
She inherited it somehow from my grandparents to golf.
Like it wasn't just joy.
Like it became like goal oriented for her.
Before she passed on, she was working on golfing every single golf course in California.
You know what drives you?
Do you like to help a certain group?
You like to share your thoughts and wisdom and education about a certain thing.
Do you love family gatherings and making things really exquisite and ornate?
Like every holiday you have to do something big because like you just love seeing the
joy on people's faces or whatever.
So what is your passion?
And again, what are your goals?
Your bucket list.
Okay, I know what's your joy, your passions, your goals.
It kind of all sounds the same.
But really like when you work on yourself and I have found this with me, if I ask myself
a question a couple different ways, I get different answers.
Maybe it's kind of crazy, maybe it's not.
But okay, so take the Narcotics Anonymous program.
They have a step working guide.
It's pretty intense.
Like there's 12 steps in the program.
And step one has something like 73 questions.
And when you go through the questions and you answer them, some are like almost identical
questions but maybe one or two words has been changed.
And honestly, it makes people answer it in different ways.
It solicits and draws out information in just a little different way.
So go ahead.
You've already, you're already looking at what brings you joy, what your passions are.
So now what's your goals?
What's on your bucket list?
And you're not too young to do this and I recommend if you have a bucket list already
and you haven't updated it in a year, start over.
Don't even look at it.
A friend of mine said, let's go over our bucket list and start crossing things off again.
And I said, okay.
So I thought I would cheat.
So I signed into Pinterest because years ago I was really, really, really into Pinterest
and not for shopping or anything like that.
And I don't really understand how it's a search engine.
You know, I don't get that, but I just used to like looking at the pictures and saving
them to different folders.
So I go into Pinterest and I log in and I know I have multiple Pinterest accounts.
So I log into one and it said, vision board 2022.
So I click on it, but it wasn't pictures of what I wanted to do.
In fact, I'm not sure there had to have been some kind of weird computer glitch.
I don't know.
But they were actually quotes and I do have quote boards, but I would never call it a
vision board unless it was quotes about goals and they weren't.
So I logged into what I remembered was my only other Pinterest board and I know that
account had a vision board and it wasn't there.
And I'm like, okay, higher power.
I get it.
You want me to start fresh.
So I started over and it turns out, you know, I did put a little list of things I remembered
I used to want to do that I'm not so sure of anymore, but mostly I created a page and
a half of brand new things that I want to do.
And this group of women that are getting together, we're slowly ticking those things off and
it is bringing joy and fun.
So I highly recommend you do that too.
These are good places to start because when you know these things for yourself, you're
going to be able to share them with others and your heart will open up and you'll find
alignment.
Now, not everybody's going to share your same interests.
And when you do have your tribe, you're still probably not going to have the same exact
interests, joys, passions with every single person.
But different people in the group will align with you on a few of them.
So maybe three people align with you on taking a road trip to New York, but two of those
and four others in the group want to go zip lining with you.
You see what I mean?
Zip lining, that's how it kind of works.
Don't settle for your tribe to be people who you find yourself just nodding yes in agreement
to whatever they want and they say.
It just, you won't go deep with them.
You just won't.
So along those lines, it wasn't quite that bad or whatever.
I don't mean bad.
Sorry, bad choice of words.
So I was at a church for seven years and I attended a very small Sunday school class.
We were in, not we, I mean, I did look up my Enneagram and I'm a five.
But as I become more authentic, maybe I'm something else, but at the time I took it
a couple different times over the years and it always came out to a five.
And a friend of mine who was leading it, her husband was a five as well.
And then there were various other ones.
So you know, the Enneagram is just a person, one of several personality tests.
The fives are pretty reflective and in their heads and analyze things and stuff like that.
And we're pretty quiet.
During that time in that class, I love those people to this day.
I don't, I haven't talked to them in a while, but every now and then we like what each other
does on Facebook.
But here's the thing, like being somebody who's more reflective and quiet and a people
pleaser, I kind of just went along with any extra things we wanted to do.
Like I never really put in input.
I, you know, what they were suggesting was fine.
So I just went along with it.
I did share about what was going on in my life with them from time to time.
And they did too from time to time.
But a lot of it was just focused on the topic of the day and going along with the flow.
We supported each other when something would go on in each other's lives.
We were there for each other and stuff, but truly, honestly, I didn't feel like I was
completely in.
And you heard my thing on July 4th about, you know, being triggered, you know, over
something so little and triggered that whole, I'm not part of the group.
Like that's a thing for me sometimes.
And during this time in Sunday school, I wasn't, it wasn't sad or pity or anything like that.
I just never quite felt like I was the same.
Like I had, you know, I'm telling you, when people are not your tribe, you just kind of
know and don't settle for that.
I mean, have those people go to your groups and your functions, go to your book study,
go to your, your D&D role play groups or whatever, and your board game groups and your tailgate
parties.
You know, it's good to have different friends for different interests.
It really is.
But what I'm talking about here is your core tribe, those people that are ride or die.
And so the way to find it again is first be honest with yourself, go back over what you
value.
Honestly, like if you don't value or sorry, if you do value integrity, which is doing
the right thing, even when no one's looking, if you value integrity and people you hang
out with are shady, even if you think they're not being shady to you, but sometimes they
say things and you're like, oh my God, okay, like they're not your tribe.
They're just not.
If somebody it goes against in a yucky way like that, a good value, like hook up with
other people, bud.
So find your real values, write them down, write down what brings you joy, totally brainstorm.
Let your mind go crazy there.
What are your deal breakers?
Know those.
What are your passions?
What are your goals on your bucket list?
Then, you know, start finding people who want to do these things with you and find people
who have similar values.
Get to know you then start to get to know others.
I wish you much luck on finding your real tribe.
I'm telling you, it's so much better than just having some shallow people you once in
a while do something with and God, it just feels great.
So this was a long one, but I hope you have a great day and I will talk to you again tomorrow.
Bye!