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Good morning, this is Kat Alexander and you are listening to Un-fuck Yourself.

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Where we talk about becoming authentic, anything about being authentic.

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Right now we've been in the process.

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Last week we talked about reasons we avoid being authentic and one of those was fear

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of rejection.

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And we started to look at how we avoid or act in ways to avoid being rejected and one

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of those was people pleasing.

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We also have moved in this week to list benefits of becoming authentic.

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And one of those I want to talk today is about finding our true tribe.

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I'm on a new journey to do that.

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So here's a little bit about that and I hope you enjoy it.

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So okay, when we want to find our own tribe, here are some of the reasons why.

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It is because being with people who actually share our values and interests, we're going

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to get real emotional and practical support.

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If we put out something that isn't genuine and people support us, okay yeah they pat

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us on the back and whatever or feel sorry for us if we're having a hard time but if

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it wasn't even real and we just put it out there for attention it's wasted.

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But when we're real and we hook up with like-minded people, we feel like we belong, we're accepted

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for who we are, it is freedom and comfort.

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For me, I know my confidence and self-esteem grows because I know when my mask is off and

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I'm not pretending and I let you just see who I am and you keep coming around, that's

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comforting.

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Your true tribe can and will encourage personal support, it will encourage personal growth

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and you'll grow as friends.

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They'll be able to motivate you and inspire you and just waking up knowing that 3, 5,

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10 people in the world love and support you, that's an amazing feeling.

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Just when you're in true alignment are more meaningful, they're more fulfilling because

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it's based on genuine understanding and common ground.

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I promise you're going to have so much more happiness and contentment.

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They're going to stand by you in difficult times.

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You'll feel safe to be your real self.

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That fear of judgment and rejection for the most part will eventually just drop and fade

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away.

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But don't get it twisted, it's not easy, it's not something you can rush into.

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You have to take it slow.

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But okay, I'm not saying take it super duper slow, I'm just saying that when we open up

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and be ourselves, it can be scary.

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You know, I go to 12 step meetings and the share time is usually contained and controlled

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to 5 minutes or less.

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So in that 5 minutes, if I want to open up and share something vulnerable and truthful,

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whether it's an accomplishment, and that can be scary for some of us if we were told and

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taught not to brag.

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Well, it's not always bragging.

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Sometimes it's just going, hey, I did this, it's okay to do that.

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But that can be scary for people who were never allowed to speak up because maybe, I

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know for me and my family, that was totally looked down on.

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Or if we want to get it off our chest in a 12 step meeting that we almost relapsed or

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back slid or something that we're just walking through, you know, knowing that I'm going

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to get this over with, I'm just going to say it in 5 minutes and shut up and then everybody

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else will talk and go on with their day.

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You know, there's a little bit of comfort in that.

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But if we say go to the lake for a few hours or have dinner or lunch with someone in a

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restaurant, not, you know, as we're driving out of paper bags in the car, that one on

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one looking people in the eye, extended talks of sharing, that takes letting your guard

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down, you know.

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It exposes ourselves.

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So here's an example.

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I recently had a professional appointment on Monday, so just two days ago.

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And we had to go over some paperwork and make some updates.

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What usually lasts about one hour for people actually turns into us being together like

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three hours because of all the sharing we ended up doing.

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It just kind of rolled out.

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It was amazing.

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Like I was really surprised.

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Like the more I opened up with this person, they're becoming not just a professional relationship.

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Like she is totally, totally becoming part of my tribe.

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Like we are planning things together.

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We have connected with some other women, we think share some of the things we're discovering

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we like to do together.

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We're inviting other people.

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I mean, it's going places.

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And I gotta tell you, it's exciting and it's got a sense of fun and adventure and I feel

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safe.

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And the reason I feel safe, you know, it's one thing like to go tailgating or have a

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backyard barbecue and sip on a wine cooler or drink a beer and hang out and be shallow.

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That's one thing.

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Okay.

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And yeah, it's a shared experience.

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But when you sit and just talk with somebody and you're, you know, stone cold sober and

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you're just sharing life and you resonate with people, that's such a better feeling.

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So I've known this lady for about a year, but we've just in the past couple of weeks

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started sharing personally.

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And I never would have imagined how very much we have in common.

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So here's the kicker though.

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After those three hours, I came home and I had quite a bit of time on my hands.

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And I thought, hmm, okay, I think I'm going to take a nap.

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You know, I haven't had a long extended nap in quite a while and the kitties came up and

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they wanted to be on my bed and they're laying on me.

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So took my glasses off and put on some calm videos to just listen to and relax before

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my evening walk.

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And I really was tired.

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But as I lay there, my head just kept tripping out, like just these random racing thoughts

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kept jumping around in my head and I could not fall asleep.

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And after what seemed like forever, I looked at the clock and I had laid down at 2 30.

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I looked at the clock and it said 4 10.

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And I'm like, oh my God, I've been laying here almost two hours listening to this stupid

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stuff in my head.

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Okay, I'm going to give it like 20 more minutes, make it a full two hour try, put something

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else on to listen to and if I can't go to sleep, I'm just going to get up and go for

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a walk early.

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So I lay there and you know, the kitties are licking me and whatever.

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And I look at the clock one more time and goodness gracious, it's not 4 10, motherfucker.

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It's 5 15.

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I had been there almost three hours listening to that in my head.

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What the fuck?

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So here are some of the thoughts.

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This is what it was like.

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It was like, okay, you know when you go on a first date and you're just kind of getting

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to know each other, it's nothing serious.

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That's how this appointment thing was.

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It's nothing serious.

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You're not, you know, if you're healthy, you're not sharing drama and trauma and anything

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like that.

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But you go home and your head in the past may have done this.

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My head on Monday was like, how did that sound?

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Did I sound stupid?

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Did I share too much?

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What are they thinking?

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Okay, totally, absolutely crazy and uncomfortable.

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So that night, Monday night, I was on my Zoom home group for my 12 set meeting that I've

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been going to since 2020.

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And a couple of dear friends were on there and I told them about what had happened.

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And my good friend who used to sponsor me said, that's a vulnerability hangover.

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And I'm like, wow.

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She goes, yep.

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She goes, sometimes I still get them, but you know, she's got 17 years in the program

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and she's like, it's getting much better.

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It just takes practice.

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And I think vulnerability hangover is a good title.

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You know, I don't know.

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You know, even at 17 years, she says when she opens up, you know, it's different.

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Like if we're part of, say, a 12 set program, we all have something definitely in common

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we can always fall back on.

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But when you're getting to know people and you don't have that one crucial thing that's

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so bonding, it is kind of just vulnerable, you know.

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You know, if you're wondering, it turned out great.

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Nothing my head told me was real.

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All those nervous thoughts were lies.

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And you know, I'm just going to keep practicing it.

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And you know, once I got up and went for a walk, you know, and shook it off, I was like,

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okay, I'm doing the thing, you know.

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So it's because, you know, some of us were hurt when we were younger.

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And we developed trust issues.

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That's a big word or phrase people say.

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Or we put up walls.

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You know, I remember after I got hurt a couple times by people really close where I had formed

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two different friendships, you know, in a 10 year period.

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I kind of got burned in both of them at separate times for separate reasons.

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I as a young person, I not only put up walls and quit sharing as much like I tested people.

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Like okay, I'm going to test you.

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If you jump over that wall, cool.

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Then I'm going to test you again.

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If you jump over that wall, cool.

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You're getting closer for me to let you in.

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But when I grew up, I realized, you know, people do not keep jumping over walls that

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we put up to test them.

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Not healthy people.

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Healthy people go, uh, too much.

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I'm not into this.

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It's unhealthy people that will keep jumping the walls.

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So that's not a good thing.

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We have to let our walls come down and it needs to be with safe people in order to find

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our tribe.

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So when we find our tribe, here are 10 things we're going to benefit from.

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We're going to have a stronger support system than fake, uh, shallow connections.

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Our self acceptance is going to skyrocket.

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Some of us need as adults to have healthy friendships, affirm who we are when we're

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being authentic so that we can accept ourselves.

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Sometimes some of us, um, we're told some crazy negative stuff because our families

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of origin or our early friendships were kind of broken and distorted.

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And what people showed us back as if that's who we are, that really was, and that was

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out of their brokenness.

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So when we find true people that when we show ourselves and we just act as ourselves and

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they're like, right on, then we're allowed to accept ourselves a little more too.

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It's absolutely amazing.

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We're going to get increased confidence, of course.

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We're going to share in growth together with these people.

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Hopefully if we just keep walking through it, we're going to have deeper connections,

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greater happiness.

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Our authentic expression will feel freedom to grow and to keep flourishing.

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The depression, stress, anxiety is going to lessen.

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We're going to feel empowered to finally go out, explore our passions, desires, wants

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and goals because people are affirming who we are and we're going to go, all right, I

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can do this thing.

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And we're going to share joy.

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A lot of real joy.

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In order to find your true tribe, you have to be authentic and honest with yourself first

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and then with others.

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And here's what to look for or here's what to do.

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First, take some time.

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You know, Google what are values or go to chat GBT and say, give me a list of a hundred

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top values that people hold for themselves.

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Take a look at that list and pick out like 10 that you really feel you want to live by

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and that's who you really are.

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Next, ask yourself and maybe journal, what brings you joy?

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You know, my kiddies bring me joy.

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Walking in my neighborhood, like if you've seen the video on YouTube, you know, it was

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a rough video because I don't know how to edit yet and I don't know how to work my camera

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video thing yet.

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But you got to see a little bit of the greenery around where I live in the hills and it's

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just beautiful.

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That brings me joy.

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Now my roommates, not so much.

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I mean, I think it's pretty, but they're not inspired to go out and go for a walk.

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So this is about what brings you joy.

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I love to sit at the ocean.

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I love driving at night with stars out in the middle of nowhere.

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I love bubble baths by candlelight.

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I love airplane rides.

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I totally love going anywhere in an airplane.

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So make a list of what brings you joy.

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Then, what are your limits?

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Where do you do or need to say no to people and situations?

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What is not okay for you?

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Honestly, what are deal breakers?

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It's okay to have deal breakers.

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You know, some of us grew up feeling like we had to people please, you know, as part

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of that, you know, we had to avoid rejection and abandonment and criticism and we were

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just very sensitive people.

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And there are, I know this from being online for years and being in all different kinds

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of groups and from when I used to life coach, there are many people out there that are codependent.

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I hate that word.

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But I'm just going to say people pleasers at all costs and find themselves doing whatever

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their children ask them because they're making up for something or doing whatever their partner

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or perhaps the guy they just met wants because they totally want to be accepted.

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And you know, there are deal breakers.

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It's okay to have deal breakers and you need to have them because I tell you what, especially

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if you're like dating, you know, anytime you're with any person in any type of relationship

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and when you, you know, talk to people multiple times, you work with them, you go to groups

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with them, whatever, you know, a relationship, say the person behind the counter at the local

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BP gas station, there are deal breakers.

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Like maybe you don't want somebody to call you sweetie.

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Like I don't care.

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But you know, some people that's offensive.

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When we don't speak up and just say, excuse me, something to deter that, you know, it

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grows.

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Things grow.

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So what are your deal breakers?

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Next, what are your passions?

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Like what really not just brings you joy, but some people have a passion for art.

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They love to paint or draw or create and sculpt.

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They love to go to museums.

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Like it's a passion for them.

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My cousin had a passion.

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She inherited it somehow from my grandparents to golf.

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Like it wasn't just joy.

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Like it became like goal oriented for her.

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Before she passed on, she was working on golfing every single golf course in California.

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You know what drives you?

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Do you like to help a certain group?

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You like to share your thoughts and wisdom and education about a certain thing.

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Do you love family gatherings and making things really exquisite and ornate?

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Like every holiday you have to do something big because like you just love seeing the

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joy on people's faces or whatever.

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So what is your passion?

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And again, what are your goals?

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Your bucket list.

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Okay, I know what's your joy, your passions, your goals.

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It kind of all sounds the same.

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But really like when you work on yourself and I have found this with me, if I ask myself

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a question a couple different ways, I get different answers.

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Maybe it's kind of crazy, maybe it's not.

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But okay, so take the Narcotics Anonymous program.

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They have a step working guide.

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It's pretty intense.

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Like there's 12 steps in the program.

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And step one has something like 73 questions.

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And when you go through the questions and you answer them, some are like almost identical

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questions but maybe one or two words has been changed.

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And honestly, it makes people answer it in different ways.

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It solicits and draws out information in just a little different way.

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So go ahead.

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You've already, you're already looking at what brings you joy, what your passions are.

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So now what's your goals?

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What's on your bucket list?

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And you're not too young to do this and I recommend if you have a bucket list already

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and you haven't updated it in a year, start over.

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Don't even look at it.

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A friend of mine said, let's go over our bucket list and start crossing things off again.

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And I said, okay.

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So I thought I would cheat.

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So I signed into Pinterest because years ago I was really, really, really into Pinterest

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and not for shopping or anything like that.

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And I don't really understand how it's a search engine.

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You know, I don't get that, but I just used to like looking at the pictures and saving

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them to different folders.

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So I go into Pinterest and I log in and I know I have multiple Pinterest accounts.

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So I log into one and it said, vision board 2022.

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So I click on it, but it wasn't pictures of what I wanted to do.

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In fact, I'm not sure there had to have been some kind of weird computer glitch.

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I don't know.

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But they were actually quotes and I do have quote boards, but I would never call it a

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vision board unless it was quotes about goals and they weren't.

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So I logged into what I remembered was my only other Pinterest board and I know that

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account had a vision board and it wasn't there.

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And I'm like, okay, higher power.

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I get it.

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You want me to start fresh.

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So I started over and it turns out, you know, I did put a little list of things I remembered

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I used to want to do that I'm not so sure of anymore, but mostly I created a page and

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a half of brand new things that I want to do.

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And this group of women that are getting together, we're slowly ticking those things off and

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it is bringing joy and fun.

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So I highly recommend you do that too.

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These are good places to start because when you know these things for yourself, you're

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going to be able to share them with others and your heart will open up and you'll find

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alignment.

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Now, not everybody's going to share your same interests.

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And when you do have your tribe, you're still probably not going to have the same exact

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interests, joys, passions with every single person.

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But different people in the group will align with you on a few of them.

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So maybe three people align with you on taking a road trip to New York, but two of those

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and four others in the group want to go zip lining with you.

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You see what I mean?

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Zip lining, that's how it kind of works.

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Don't settle for your tribe to be people who you find yourself just nodding yes in agreement

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to whatever they want and they say.

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It just, you won't go deep with them.

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You just won't.

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So along those lines, it wasn't quite that bad or whatever.

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I don't mean bad.

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Sorry, bad choice of words.

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So I was at a church for seven years and I attended a very small Sunday school class.

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We were in, not we, I mean, I did look up my Enneagram and I'm a five.

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But as I become more authentic, maybe I'm something else, but at the time I took it

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a couple different times over the years and it always came out to a five.

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And a friend of mine who was leading it, her husband was a five as well.

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And then there were various other ones.

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So you know, the Enneagram is just a person, one of several personality tests.

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The fives are pretty reflective and in their heads and analyze things and stuff like that.

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And we're pretty quiet.

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During that time in that class, I love those people to this day.

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I don't, I haven't talked to them in a while, but every now and then we like what each other

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does on Facebook.

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But here's the thing, like being somebody who's more reflective and quiet and a people

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pleaser, I kind of just went along with any extra things we wanted to do.

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Like I never really put in input.

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I, you know, what they were suggesting was fine.

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So I just went along with it.

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I did share about what was going on in my life with them from time to time.

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And they did too from time to time.

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But a lot of it was just focused on the topic of the day and going along with the flow.

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We supported each other when something would go on in each other's lives.

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We were there for each other and stuff, but truly, honestly, I didn't feel like I was

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completely in.

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And you heard my thing on July 4th about, you know, being triggered, you know, over

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something so little and triggered that whole, I'm not part of the group.

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Like that's a thing for me sometimes.

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And during this time in Sunday school, I wasn't, it wasn't sad or pity or anything like that.

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I just never quite felt like I was the same.

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Like I had, you know, I'm telling you, when people are not your tribe, you just kind of

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know and don't settle for that.

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I mean, have those people go to your groups and your functions, go to your book study,

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go to your, your D&D role play groups or whatever, and your board game groups and your tailgate

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parties.

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You know, it's good to have different friends for different interests.

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It really is.

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But what I'm talking about here is your core tribe, those people that are ride or die.

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And so the way to find it again is first be honest with yourself, go back over what you

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value.

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Honestly, like if you don't value or sorry, if you do value integrity, which is doing

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the right thing, even when no one's looking, if you value integrity and people you hang

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out with are shady, even if you think they're not being shady to you, but sometimes they

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say things and you're like, oh my God, okay, like they're not your tribe.

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They're just not.

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If somebody it goes against in a yucky way like that, a good value, like hook up with

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other people, bud.

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So find your real values, write them down, write down what brings you joy, totally brainstorm.

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Let your mind go crazy there.

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What are your deal breakers?

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Know those.

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What are your passions?

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What are your goals on your bucket list?

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Then, you know, start finding people who want to do these things with you and find people

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who have similar values.

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Get to know you then start to get to know others.

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I wish you much luck on finding your real tribe.

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I'm telling you, it's so much better than just having some shallow people you once in

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a while do something with and God, it just feels great.

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So this was a long one, but I hope you have a great day and I will talk to you again tomorrow.

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Bye!