Hello, this is Kat Alexander and you are listening to UnFuck Yourself, where we are working on
becoming authentic, building a community.
And today, as in the last week, we are continuing our look at ways we avoid being authentic.
So in season one, episode three on July 3rd, we talked about fear of rejection and abandonment
as being the first reason on our list of ways we avoid or reasons why we avoid being authentic.
If you want to check out the listing of a long map of reasons we avoid being authentic,
I listed that in the show notes from July 5th.
It's a less than two minute audio clip if you want to listen to it, but it's in the notes
if you want to refer back to it and look at where we're going.
So when we operate on a fear of rejection, there are at least 20 ways, probably more,
but I wrote 20 ways.
We can act that out to protect ourselves.
And so the first one under fear of rejection is we oftentimes people please.
Now people please for many reasons.
Some people are actually trauma and fear free.
Not everybody is doing this for self protection.
There are genuinely just nice people out there.
Not always when you're kind is a distortion or manipulation to obtain favor with others.
It really isn't.
I'm just going to be talking to people who do it from a forced, pressured feeling inside
them like they have to always please people.
It becomes a way of life to protect ourselves, our relationships and how others see us.
Today we're just going to look at a few 10 in fact.
So here we go.
Have you ever found yourself one always saying yes or almost always feeling like you need
to say yes to people to their requests or their favors, even when it's inconvenient
or overwhelming?
Do you ever or frequently avoid saying no because you're fear you're going to disappoint
others that they'll go and find other people to do it.
And not only that, but they're just going to go find that if they find these other people
to do these requests that they're going to bond with them and go off.
It's almost like a trigger from childhood.
You know, like when I was little, sometimes people who were just, you know, using people
would say things like, Hey, you want to go do or can you do this for me?
And if I said no, they find somebody else and suddenly because they're children and
childish, they just became best friends with that person because that person always said
yes.
So sometimes as adults, we forget we're not children anymore.
We have a right to say no.
But we do sometimes fear disappointing others.
Another thing we do sometimes is number two, avoid conflict.
And I'm not talking about just keeping peace or it's the holiday dinners and you're just
going to kind of keep quiet because it's really not worth ruining the three hours you're at
dinner.
I'm talking about avoiding conflict at all costs.
And for those of you who know, you know, I do know a couple of people, including myself,
who just cannot stand conflict or just not there yet.
So sometimes we don't voice our opinions or concerns just to keep the peace.
I'm talking in just conversations with friends or whatever, I'm not talking just on special
occasions.
Or we let others have their way frequently or most of the time and oftentimes with multiple
people and situations in our lives because we just want to avoid a possible argument
or disagreement.
And it just seems easier to do that than to deal with any possible uncomfortableness or
negative emotions, people misunderstanding, it's just easier to go with everybody else's
flow and overlook our own needs and voice.
Number three, sometimes people over commit.
And I don't mean on some odd week in August when you're getting your kids ready and you
find yourself saying yes to all these upcoming school events and it's a one time deal once
a year or at the holidays, I'm talking about over commitment as a way of life, taking on
too many responsibilities or tasks to make other people happy.
Okay, I did this when I first went back to church after 14 years outside of church.
I joined a church and started to become involved.
And by the end of the first year, I was over committed.
I mean, every time any group in the church or person in the church had a project going
on and needed volunteers, I was saying yes.
And it was to people please the topic we're talking about today.
I got that from in part from my mom.
My mom hardly ever told people no, but she did not ever necessarily get over committed.
Programs were simpler and social groups were smaller back there.
So that's part of it.
But when I went back to church, my child was not living with me.
He was grown and I had a lot of time on my hands.
And I did want to make people happy.
But the next year, when everybody came back around to commit to all those programs, I
found myself exhausted and burned out and unhappy.
I didn't necessarily enjoy what I had signed up for the year before.
But once again, these very kind people needed volunteers and nobody was volunteering.
I took it upon me that, well, I should do this.
Don't know where I got that.
I was just over committing.
I was sacrificing my own time and energy to meet the expectations and needs of other people.
Just because I had lots of time on my hands, I have no idea where I got the idea it was
my personal obligation to help everybody out.
So over commitment is a form of people pleasing.
Number four, constantly seeking approval.
Regularly asking for feedback or validation to ensure you're meeting other standards.
In today's day and time, that could be checking your notifications on Facebook, seeing how
many people have reacted to your post.
And in what way?
And looking on other platforms, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, whatever, looking for how
many people have actually hit the like button or the subscribe button.
Basing your self-worth on others' opinions of you.
So there is a friend of mine who has struggled for decades.
She's in her 40s.
She has struggled for decades feeling worthy to even live.
And it comes from some comments that people made when she was younger or things they made
her feel like in her family of origin.
Like they didn't approve of her.
She wasn't somehow measuring up.
And then because that built low self-esteem in her, she ended up mingling with some toxic
people who reinforced that for her.
So she's a wonderful, brilliant person, but she still has a really low self-opinion of
herself based on those old opinions.
She hasn't done the internal work to shake that.
I mean, she can tell you, I get it.
They're gone.
Most of them are dead.
But I'm telling you, it still goes back to that day.
So she does constantly seek approval.
And she does lots of things to try to gain people's approval by people pleasing in many
ways.
Number five is, do you find yourself suppressing your own needs to make others comfortable
or to not make waves or to not impose on them?
Do you ignore your own desires and priorities so that you can make other people reach their
goals, their priorities, their wants?
Putting other people first, even if it's to your detriment.
So parents may do this.
Maybe they're really, really sick.
They've got the flu or whatever.
But, oh gosh, Johnny's got to get that project in next week and we got to pick up the supplies.
And instead of calling on another relative to help or bothering their spouse or calling
on a friend or another mom or dad to help take your kid to the store to get these things,
which probably in their circle of influence, in your circle of influence, there has got
to be somebody who wouldn't mind taking Johnny or whoever to the store to quickly grab those
things.
Some people will get up off their sick bed, go out, wear themselves down some more because
they're prioritizing Johnny's needs over their own needs without reaching out and seeing
if they can get somebody else involved.
They just don't want to bother people.
So they suppress their need for rest and bed rest and relaxation to get something done
and not bother anyone else.
Number six, do you ever find yourself agreeing with everyone?
Okay, that's an exaggeration.
But finding yourself overly agreeable a lot of the time.
Notting along is the same thing.
So you're at work, people are bouncing an idea around.
You are not really fond of this idea.
But by everyone's expression on their face or things they're saying, you kind of think,
well, they all think so.
I'm not going to say anything.
So you just start nodding in agreement.
Or you vocalize your agreement and jump on the bandwagon.
But it's not really what you share.
You avoid expressing your true thoughts just to fit in to be liked and again to avoid conflict.
I mentioned in one of the earlier videos in a phrase I used of deconstructing faith.
When we go through a journey of looking at what do I really believe in my religion of
choice or my philosophy of spirituality.
And when we're in a position of deconstruction, we oftentimes will continue to nod and express
agreement absolutely to not ruffle feathers or to lose our support system within that
faith system.
So we continue to let people think we are in similar belief for a very long time until
we're absolutely ready to step out.
Number seven, changing plans for others.
Rearranging your schedule or plans at the last minute to accommodate others.
This could be, well people pleasers rarely take time for themselves.
But let's say in your mind, perhaps you've decided you're going to go to the park or
the ocean or the lake or the mountains or even just stay home.
And you've in your mind or on paper marked out a couple hours.
You're just going to have some self reflection time or some quiet time to relax and unwind.
Things have been hectic.
But you get a call within two days of the event or less and somebody wants to go do
something with you at that particular time.
Perhaps it's someone that rarely reaches out to you or it's a friend who's really going
through something and you go ahead and prioritize their request over something you have planned
for yourself to accommodate them.
You go ahead and change your plans for other people.
Fear of disapproval is number eight.
Actually, fear of disapproval, obviously we're going to people please if we're trying to
avoid disapproval.
But you know that's a lot of why we do change our plans and agree with other people and
suppress our own needs.
Bottom line, we don't want to be disapproved of.
We make decisions based on what we think others will approve of rather than what we want.
We avoid actions that might lead to criticism or rejection.
Perhaps you or someone you know has gone to college and it's got a passion for poetry
slams or playing the guitar or man it's like streaming on Twitch.
But you know their parents really want them to be a doctor or really want them to take
over the plumbing business.
So they go ahead and go to college and get the degree everybody thinks is best for them
or what people and society say is up and coming or the best thing to do.
Out of fear of disapproval.
Number nine is excessively apologizing.
You all know somebody like this.
You see it.
You're in the grocery store.
You're going straight.
Somebody comes to the end of the aisle and somebody plows into your shopping cart.
How many of you or when you're with someone have been aware that the person who had the
right away said, oh, I'm sorry.
Or you're walking somewhere and somebody totally crashes into you and you say, oh, I'm sorry.
And it wasn't your fault saying sorry when you yourself really have done nothing wrong
or even participated like in something.
So Fred Flintstone calls Wilma and says, Mr. Rubble just yelled at me and Wilma says,
oh, I'm so sorry.
What is that about?
Wilma did nothing wrong.
Because we also apologize preemptively to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.
So in a case like that, Barney Rubble says to his wife, Betty, I'm sorry, Betty, but
I'm going to have to go into work on Saturday.
I hope you don't mind.
I know we didn't talk about plans yet, but blah, blah, blah.
He's already said, I'm sorry to Betty.
Ahead of acknowledging he doesn't even know if they were going to have plans or something,
but he's throwing the I'm sorry in.
And excessive apologizing can become a real strong habit for people.
I'm sure you've been around somebody who always says they're sorry and it can get on other
people's nerves, but it's just an ingrained habit.
Number 10, the final one we'll look at today is by people pleasing, we lose our own identity.
That's the whole thing about authenticity is becoming yourself.
When we people please in excess, not just once in a while because we're being kind,
when we people please, we adopt other people's interests.
Remember when you're a kid and you just didn't want to be lonely and you're kind of trying
to make friends, maybe you're the new kid in school or maybe it's a small school and
you don't have a lot of options.
And you know, back in my day, it was, oh my goodness, what was that original PlayStation
called?
Like you played pong on it.
Well, let's just update it.
Let's say somebody wants to play, go home and play Call of Duty or something.
And you go, yeah, okay, you don't even like it.
But one, you don't want to be alone, two, you're trying to make friends.
So suddenly find yourself going over to Jimmy's house all the time and popping a beer and
playing Call of Duty and you don't even like first person shooter games, but there you
are.
You go along with other people's hobbies again to people please, to bond, out of loneliness.
You go along with their opinions to fit in or be accepted.
You neglect your own passions and preferences to align with other people around you instead.
When we have lost our identity, when we become adults and realize I don't even know who I
am at this point, I'm 30 something, 40 something, 50 something, I got a friend who is in her
sixties and says, I don't even know what I like.
I raised my kids.
I've been taking care of my sick husband.
I don't know.
I couldn't tell you what kind of books I like to read.
I haven't done that in decades.
I used to like going to amusement parks when I was a teenager and I did it when the kids
were little, but that's so long ago.
She says things like this.
She doesn't have her own passions.
People end up, I've seen it on Reddit.
They will ask for people's list of hobbies or whatever.
They have no idea what to do because they've neglected their own passions and preferences.
When losing your identity, you can lose your identity when you become an overly focused
parent and then your children leave the house and you're still a parent, but you're not
a helicopter parent anymore.
Your kids go away.
They may call you once or twice a week.
You now suddenly have your whole week available.
What are you going to do to fill it?
You don't even know who you are anymore.
You're not running kids to sports events in their artistic endeavors or any of that.
It also happens when we retire.
We can get from being a full-time parent or a part-time parent with a career into full-time
career in our 40s, 50s, 60s, and then when we retire, what do we do?
What do we do?
Our friends are probably still involved with their families or their careers or what do
we do?
We find that we have not developed ourselves and continued to take a look at our needs,
wants, and desires along the way.
We don't even know who we are suddenly if we have a lot of free time.
People pleasing can lead to burnout, resentment, and like I said, not knowing who you are.
Recognizing these behaviors of people pleasing is the first step in getting healthy boundaries
and prioritizing your own well-being.
So again, people pleasing is just one of the 20 ways we avoid rejection and we avoid that
rejection by not being authentic.
So some of the ways to ask yourself, am I people pleasing and doing for others in an
excessive way and not being true to who I am?
Do I overly say yes to others?
Avoid conflict always or a majority of the time.
Do I over commit just to make other people happy?
Do I constantly seek approval perhaps through over committing but also so people will pat
us on our back?
Do I suppress my own needs?
Do I agree with everyone else to keep the peace and to keep my social surroundings going?
Do I change plans for others?
Am I overly fearful of disapproval?
Am I scared of what that would do?
Do I apologize too often?
Has it become a habit to just say I'm sorry for things that aren't mine?
And at the end of the day, do I know who I am?
Do I know who I am authentically?
Do I have my own interest, hobbies, opinions, passions, preferences?
Or do when I look around, do I see I don't even align with the people I have in my life
anymore?
And I don't know where to begin to look to explore myself.
It's just feed for thought.
It's like I said, one of the 20 ways that we avoid rejection.
Some of the other ways that we avoid rejection that we will be looking at coming up is masking
our feelings will be the next one.
And I won't go into the whole list of the other 17.
You can look those up like I said at the beginning of the podcast.
They're in the notes of a previous episode.
I hope this has given you fuel for thought.
And I actually hope at the end of the day that while I've been talking to you for the
last 25 minutes, that you're able to say, wow, I have grown.
I hardly do these things anymore at all.
But if you do do these people pleasing things, it's okay.
There's time to change.
It's about becoming authentic.
And it's just going to take some practice and we practice with people that we know love
us.
So if you have someone in your life and you know they're not going anywhere.
They love you no matter what.
You know, this week, give it a practice before next weekend.
If somebody asks you to do something and you don't really want to do it, just say, no,
I think I'm going to have to pass on that right now.
But you know, ask me again sometime in the future.
I'm sure, you know, I'll be available then.
Okay, this is Kat Aliqizinder.
I hope you got something out of this.
Then on several podcasts, you can click and send me a message.
I know I believe it's RSS feeds.
You can do that on my YouTube channel.
You can leave a comment.
And one of these episodes, I think it is the one about exploring authenticity.
I have my email account listed so you could look that up and reach out to me.
And let's get a community going.
Have a wonderful weekend.
I'm headed out in a couple hours to go watch some fireworks.
The town waited until today because it's Saturday.
I hope you had a good fourth and I will talk to you soon.