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Hello, this is Kat Alexander and you are listening to UnFuck Yourself, where we are working on

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becoming authentic, building a community.

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And today, as in the last week, we are continuing our look at ways we avoid being authentic.

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So in season one, episode three on July 3rd, we talked about fear of rejection and abandonment

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as being the first reason on our list of ways we avoid or reasons why we avoid being authentic.

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If you want to check out the listing of a long map of reasons we avoid being authentic,

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I listed that in the show notes from July 5th.

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It's a less than two minute audio clip if you want to listen to it, but it's in the notes

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if you want to refer back to it and look at where we're going.

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So when we operate on a fear of rejection, there are at least 20 ways, probably more,

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but I wrote 20 ways.

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We can act that out to protect ourselves.

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And so the first one under fear of rejection is we oftentimes people please.

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Now people please for many reasons.

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Some people are actually trauma and fear free.

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Not everybody is doing this for self protection.

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There are genuinely just nice people out there.

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Not always when you're kind is a distortion or manipulation to obtain favor with others.

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It really isn't.

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I'm just going to be talking to people who do it from a forced, pressured feeling inside

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them like they have to always please people.

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It becomes a way of life to protect ourselves, our relationships and how others see us.

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Today we're just going to look at a few 10 in fact.

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So here we go.

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Have you ever found yourself one always saying yes or almost always feeling like you need

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to say yes to people to their requests or their favors, even when it's inconvenient

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or overwhelming?

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Do you ever or frequently avoid saying no because you're fear you're going to disappoint

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others that they'll go and find other people to do it.

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And not only that, but they're just going to go find that if they find these other people

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to do these requests that they're going to bond with them and go off.

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It's almost like a trigger from childhood.

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You know, like when I was little, sometimes people who were just, you know, using people

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would say things like, Hey, you want to go do or can you do this for me?

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And if I said no, they find somebody else and suddenly because they're children and

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childish, they just became best friends with that person because that person always said

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yes.

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So sometimes as adults, we forget we're not children anymore.

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We have a right to say no.

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But we do sometimes fear disappointing others.

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Another thing we do sometimes is number two, avoid conflict.

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And I'm not talking about just keeping peace or it's the holiday dinners and you're just

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going to kind of keep quiet because it's really not worth ruining the three hours you're at

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dinner.

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I'm talking about avoiding conflict at all costs.

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And for those of you who know, you know, I do know a couple of people, including myself,

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who just cannot stand conflict or just not there yet.

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So sometimes we don't voice our opinions or concerns just to keep the peace.

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I'm talking in just conversations with friends or whatever, I'm not talking just on special

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occasions.

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Or we let others have their way frequently or most of the time and oftentimes with multiple

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people and situations in our lives because we just want to avoid a possible argument

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or disagreement.

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And it just seems easier to do that than to deal with any possible uncomfortableness or

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negative emotions, people misunderstanding, it's just easier to go with everybody else's

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flow and overlook our own needs and voice.

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Number three, sometimes people over commit.

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And I don't mean on some odd week in August when you're getting your kids ready and you

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find yourself saying yes to all these upcoming school events and it's a one time deal once

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a year or at the holidays, I'm talking about over commitment as a way of life, taking on

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too many responsibilities or tasks to make other people happy.

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Okay, I did this when I first went back to church after 14 years outside of church.

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I joined a church and started to become involved.

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And by the end of the first year, I was over committed.

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I mean, every time any group in the church or person in the church had a project going

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on and needed volunteers, I was saying yes.

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And it was to people please the topic we're talking about today.

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I got that from in part from my mom.

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My mom hardly ever told people no, but she did not ever necessarily get over committed.

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Programs were simpler and social groups were smaller back there.

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So that's part of it.

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But when I went back to church, my child was not living with me.

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He was grown and I had a lot of time on my hands.

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And I did want to make people happy.

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But the next year, when everybody came back around to commit to all those programs, I

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found myself exhausted and burned out and unhappy.

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I didn't necessarily enjoy what I had signed up for the year before.

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But once again, these very kind people needed volunteers and nobody was volunteering.

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I took it upon me that, well, I should do this.

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Don't know where I got that.

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I was just over committing.

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I was sacrificing my own time and energy to meet the expectations and needs of other people.

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Just because I had lots of time on my hands, I have no idea where I got the idea it was

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my personal obligation to help everybody out.

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So over commitment is a form of people pleasing.

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Number four, constantly seeking approval.

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Regularly asking for feedback or validation to ensure you're meeting other standards.

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In today's day and time, that could be checking your notifications on Facebook, seeing how

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many people have reacted to your post.

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And in what way?

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And looking on other platforms, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, whatever, looking for how

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many people have actually hit the like button or the subscribe button.

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Basing your self-worth on others' opinions of you.

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So there is a friend of mine who has struggled for decades.

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She's in her 40s.

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She has struggled for decades feeling worthy to even live.

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And it comes from some comments that people made when she was younger or things they made

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her feel like in her family of origin.

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Like they didn't approve of her.

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She wasn't somehow measuring up.

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And then because that built low self-esteem in her, she ended up mingling with some toxic

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people who reinforced that for her.

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So she's a wonderful, brilliant person, but she still has a really low self-opinion of

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herself based on those old opinions.

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She hasn't done the internal work to shake that.

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I mean, she can tell you, I get it.

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They're gone.

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Most of them are dead.

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But I'm telling you, it still goes back to that day.

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So she does constantly seek approval.

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And she does lots of things to try to gain people's approval by people pleasing in many

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ways.

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Number five is, do you find yourself suppressing your own needs to make others comfortable

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or to not make waves or to not impose on them?

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Do you ignore your own desires and priorities so that you can make other people reach their

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goals, their priorities, their wants?

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Putting other people first, even if it's to your detriment.

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So parents may do this.

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Maybe they're really, really sick.

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They've got the flu or whatever.

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But, oh gosh, Johnny's got to get that project in next week and we got to pick up the supplies.

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And instead of calling on another relative to help or bothering their spouse or calling

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on a friend or another mom or dad to help take your kid to the store to get these things,

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which probably in their circle of influence, in your circle of influence, there has got

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to be somebody who wouldn't mind taking Johnny or whoever to the store to quickly grab those

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things.

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Some people will get up off their sick bed, go out, wear themselves down some more because

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they're prioritizing Johnny's needs over their own needs without reaching out and seeing

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if they can get somebody else involved.

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They just don't want to bother people.

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So they suppress their need for rest and bed rest and relaxation to get something done

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and not bother anyone else.

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Number six, do you ever find yourself agreeing with everyone?

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Okay, that's an exaggeration.

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But finding yourself overly agreeable a lot of the time.

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Notting along is the same thing.

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So you're at work, people are bouncing an idea around.

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You are not really fond of this idea.

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But by everyone's expression on their face or things they're saying, you kind of think,

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well, they all think so.

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I'm not going to say anything.

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So you just start nodding in agreement.

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Or you vocalize your agreement and jump on the bandwagon.

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But it's not really what you share.

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You avoid expressing your true thoughts just to fit in to be liked and again to avoid conflict.

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I mentioned in one of the earlier videos in a phrase I used of deconstructing faith.

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When we go through a journey of looking at what do I really believe in my religion of

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choice or my philosophy of spirituality.

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And when we're in a position of deconstruction, we oftentimes will continue to nod and express

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agreement absolutely to not ruffle feathers or to lose our support system within that

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faith system.

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So we continue to let people think we are in similar belief for a very long time until

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we're absolutely ready to step out.

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Number seven, changing plans for others.

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Rearranging your schedule or plans at the last minute to accommodate others.

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This could be, well people pleasers rarely take time for themselves.

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But let's say in your mind, perhaps you've decided you're going to go to the park or

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the ocean or the lake or the mountains or even just stay home.

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And you've in your mind or on paper marked out a couple hours.

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You're just going to have some self reflection time or some quiet time to relax and unwind.

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Things have been hectic.

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But you get a call within two days of the event or less and somebody wants to go do

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something with you at that particular time.

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Perhaps it's someone that rarely reaches out to you or it's a friend who's really going

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through something and you go ahead and prioritize their request over something you have planned

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for yourself to accommodate them.

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You go ahead and change your plans for other people.

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Fear of disapproval is number eight.

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Actually, fear of disapproval, obviously we're going to people please if we're trying to

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avoid disapproval.

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But you know that's a lot of why we do change our plans and agree with other people and

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suppress our own needs.

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Bottom line, we don't want to be disapproved of.

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We make decisions based on what we think others will approve of rather than what we want.

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We avoid actions that might lead to criticism or rejection.

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Perhaps you or someone you know has gone to college and it's got a passion for poetry

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slams or playing the guitar or man it's like streaming on Twitch.

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But you know their parents really want them to be a doctor or really want them to take

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over the plumbing business.

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So they go ahead and go to college and get the degree everybody thinks is best for them

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or what people and society say is up and coming or the best thing to do.

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Out of fear of disapproval.

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Number nine is excessively apologizing.

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You all know somebody like this.

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You see it.

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You're in the grocery store.

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You're going straight.

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Somebody comes to the end of the aisle and somebody plows into your shopping cart.

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How many of you or when you're with someone have been aware that the person who had the

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right away said, oh, I'm sorry.

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Or you're walking somewhere and somebody totally crashes into you and you say, oh, I'm sorry.

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And it wasn't your fault saying sorry when you yourself really have done nothing wrong

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or even participated like in something.

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So Fred Flintstone calls Wilma and says, Mr. Rubble just yelled at me and Wilma says,

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oh, I'm so sorry.

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What is that about?

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Wilma did nothing wrong.

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Because we also apologize preemptively to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.

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So in a case like that, Barney Rubble says to his wife, Betty, I'm sorry, Betty, but

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I'm going to have to go into work on Saturday.

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I hope you don't mind.

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I know we didn't talk about plans yet, but blah, blah, blah.

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He's already said, I'm sorry to Betty.

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Ahead of acknowledging he doesn't even know if they were going to have plans or something,

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but he's throwing the I'm sorry in.

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And excessive apologizing can become a real strong habit for people.

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I'm sure you've been around somebody who always says they're sorry and it can get on other

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people's nerves, but it's just an ingrained habit.

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Number 10, the final one we'll look at today is by people pleasing, we lose our own identity.

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That's the whole thing about authenticity is becoming yourself.

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When we people please in excess, not just once in a while because we're being kind,

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when we people please, we adopt other people's interests.

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Remember when you're a kid and you just didn't want to be lonely and you're kind of trying

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to make friends, maybe you're the new kid in school or maybe it's a small school and

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you don't have a lot of options.

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And you know, back in my day, it was, oh my goodness, what was that original PlayStation

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called?

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Like you played pong on it.

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Well, let's just update it.

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Let's say somebody wants to play, go home and play Call of Duty or something.

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And you go, yeah, okay, you don't even like it.

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But one, you don't want to be alone, two, you're trying to make friends.

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So suddenly find yourself going over to Jimmy's house all the time and popping a beer and

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playing Call of Duty and you don't even like first person shooter games, but there you

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are.

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You go along with other people's hobbies again to people please, to bond, out of loneliness.

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You go along with their opinions to fit in or be accepted.

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You neglect your own passions and preferences to align with other people around you instead.

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When we have lost our identity, when we become adults and realize I don't even know who I

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am at this point, I'm 30 something, 40 something, 50 something, I got a friend who is in her

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sixties and says, I don't even know what I like.

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I raised my kids.

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I've been taking care of my sick husband.

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I don't know.

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I couldn't tell you what kind of books I like to read.

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I haven't done that in decades.

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I used to like going to amusement parks when I was a teenager and I did it when the kids

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were little, but that's so long ago.

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She says things like this.

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She doesn't have her own passions.

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People end up, I've seen it on Reddit.

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They will ask for people's list of hobbies or whatever.

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They have no idea what to do because they've neglected their own passions and preferences.

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When losing your identity, you can lose your identity when you become an overly focused

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parent and then your children leave the house and you're still a parent, but you're not

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a helicopter parent anymore.

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Your kids go away.

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They may call you once or twice a week.

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You now suddenly have your whole week available.

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What are you going to do to fill it?

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You don't even know who you are anymore.

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You're not running kids to sports events in their artistic endeavors or any of that.

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It also happens when we retire.

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We can get from being a full-time parent or a part-time parent with a career into full-time

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career in our 40s, 50s, 60s, and then when we retire, what do we do?

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What do we do?

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Our friends are probably still involved with their families or their careers or what do

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we do?

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We find that we have not developed ourselves and continued to take a look at our needs,

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wants, and desires along the way.

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We don't even know who we are suddenly if we have a lot of free time.

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People pleasing can lead to burnout, resentment, and like I said, not knowing who you are.

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Recognizing these behaviors of people pleasing is the first step in getting healthy boundaries

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and prioritizing your own well-being.

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So again, people pleasing is just one of the 20 ways we avoid rejection and we avoid that

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rejection by not being authentic.

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So some of the ways to ask yourself, am I people pleasing and doing for others in an

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excessive way and not being true to who I am?

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Do I overly say yes to others?

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Avoid conflict always or a majority of the time.

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Do I over commit just to make other people happy?

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Do I constantly seek approval perhaps through over committing but also so people will pat

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us on our back?

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Do I suppress my own needs?

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Do I agree with everyone else to keep the peace and to keep my social surroundings going?

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Do I change plans for others?

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Am I overly fearful of disapproval?

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Am I scared of what that would do?

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Do I apologize too often?

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Has it become a habit to just say I'm sorry for things that aren't mine?

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And at the end of the day, do I know who I am?

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Do I know who I am authentically?

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Do I have my own interest, hobbies, opinions, passions, preferences?

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Or do when I look around, do I see I don't even align with the people I have in my life

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anymore?

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And I don't know where to begin to look to explore myself.

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It's just feed for thought.

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It's like I said, one of the 20 ways that we avoid rejection.

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Some of the other ways that we avoid rejection that we will be looking at coming up is masking

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our feelings will be the next one.

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And I won't go into the whole list of the other 17.

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You can look those up like I said at the beginning of the podcast.

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They're in the notes of a previous episode.

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I hope this has given you fuel for thought.

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And I actually hope at the end of the day that while I've been talking to you for the

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last 25 minutes, that you're able to say, wow, I have grown.

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I hardly do these things anymore at all.

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But if you do do these people pleasing things, it's okay.

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There's time to change.

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It's about becoming authentic.

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And it's just going to take some practice and we practice with people that we know love

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us.

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So if you have someone in your life and you know they're not going anywhere.

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They love you no matter what.

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You know, this week, give it a practice before next weekend.

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If somebody asks you to do something and you don't really want to do it, just say, no,

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I think I'm going to have to pass on that right now.

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But you know, ask me again sometime in the future.

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I'm sure, you know, I'll be available then.

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Okay, this is Kat Aliqizinder.

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I hope you got something out of this.

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Then on several podcasts, you can click and send me a message.

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I know I believe it's RSS feeds.

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You can do that on my YouTube channel.

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You can leave a comment.

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And one of these episodes, I think it is the one about exploring authenticity.

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I have my email account listed so you could look that up and reach out to me.

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And let's get a community going.

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Have a wonderful weekend.

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I'm headed out in a couple hours to go watch some fireworks.

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The town waited until today because it's Saturday.

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I hope you had a good fourth and I will talk to you soon.