Good evening!
This is July 4th, 2024 and you are listening to Uncluck Yourself with Cat Alexander.
We got a couple hours before sundown.
It's been raining off and on all day where I live.
And I'm finally getting out for a walk.
Now I'm going to be honest, about 30 minutes ago, before I went on this walk,
I was laying in bed, I had a washcloth over my face, and I was having some dark thoughts.
See, what happened?
Remember we talked about how we put on masks and protect ourselves and don't let people see us and all that stuff, right?
Okay, so on this journey to authenticity, it means doing my best to cut that crap out, right?
Well, okay, here's the thing.
When I start letting my walls down, I open myself up to feelings that I normally suppress, act like I'm okay, I'm rolling with things, I'm unfazed, but that's not true.
And, you know, I have avoided feelings for a very long time, for the most part.
Don't get me wrong, I have them every now and then, but I do things to numb them or avoid them, distract myself.
But we're doing things new today, aren't we?
Okay, so this silly little thing happened.
I'm part of a group chat, and I asked a question about whether there was going to be a meeting tonight.
I mean, it's a holiday, but, you know, in 12-step groups, usually you have meetings 365 days a year,
because people want to escape and numb out and participate in their addictions, especially on holidays.
And I know that, but I was kind of wanting an in-person meeting tonight, and it's way out the road.
And the people I usually go to, I really hadn't talked to at all about whether they were going this week or going to be in town or anything.
So anyway, I asked in the group, and somebody, like, heartedly made, like, a comeback comment that was like a joke, you know, just kind of ribbing me.
But I'm sensitive, and immediately my sensitivity and negative outlook, you know, that I'm working on, it fed into it.
And immediately the negativity whispers to me, see, you're not part of the in-crowd, they think you're stupid.
You've been doing this 32 years, these people just found out about it like four or five years ago, maybe only two years ago.
But look how they're treating you, you are not part of the group, girl.
You look stupid by asking that question.
That's what my head told me immediately, right?
So I just put a question mark after the person's comment, and they wrote back and, you know, said, you know, they were just joking around, of course, there's a meeting, blah, blah, blah.
And it was all good as far as I was concerned on one level, but on the other level, the emotional level, I had started to cry because I had listened to my head.
And I know what my head told me was a lie. It was a lie, you know.
But it just broke something in me, as silly as that sounds, and I couldn't stop crying.
And then there were a couple of comments later on about, oh, and then I put something in there about why I had asked, you know, that I hadn't been there in a while and, you know, I could have missed an important meeting or something.
And just wanted to be sure and thank them for reassuring me.
But then there were a couple of comments about bullying.
And they were just talking about how, you know, mild, lighthearted bullying had kept some of them clean a couple years.
Like, it was actually sound odd, but it was actually kind of good for them.
And I get that.
The problem is, you know, when I was younger, I could roll with things easier, especially because I wasn't about being in my feelings.
So, you know, when I was younger, I'd be like, oh, I'll show you.
Well, I don't have that get up and go spunk in your face type attitude as far as roll right off my back.
I'm going to keep going and I'll show you I'm good.
I don't have that.
And I'll get it again.
I'm just, you know, in a real sensitive space with what's been going on in my life for the last several months.
So I just exited the group and figured, well, I know they play with each other like that.
And I'm just a little sensitive right now.
I don't need to really be a part of this right now when I'm going to take things wrong.
But I know these people love me.
I know they do.
But I'm just too sensitive at this point.
So I pulled out of the group and, you know,
and then a couple of people, you know, reached out to me and, you know, I said, we're all good.
I love you too.
You know, I'm just a little sensitive right now and everything's good.
And apparently while I was not part of the group, which I did redoing later,
they had a little bit of discussion back and forth about how sometimes we don't know where other people are in their lives
and whether or not they're sensitive.
And a couple of people who know what I've been walking through apparently participated in that conversation
by saying no and she's not good.
It did not go over well.
But I think I talked to enough people, several people to let them know I'm good.
You know, I'm just embarrassed.
I had feelings.
I cried.
Then I knew if I went to the meeting, I would be read or somebody would ask if I was good and it could start again.
Because honestly, when we're working on ourselves, we don't know what's buried under there.
We don't know what's getting triggered.
We don't know what's going to come out.
All I knew at that point is I kept crying.
I wasn't boo-hooing, but the tears kept coming for a good 45 minutes.
And that is really not like me.
After I lost vision in my eye, like in two weeks, I cried like 25 seconds total in the first two weeks.
I just really don't allow myself to get emotional.
So I was embarrassed and I was embarrassed that they had this conversation without me and that people felt bad and whatever.
You know, I don't want to draw attention to myself.
I really don't.
And that whole thing, you know, being fake, putting up walls, disguising our insecurities and our worries and whatever.
That's so much more comfortable than just being real and saying, hey, I'm sensitive and I took it wrong and I'm sorry, it's on me, you know.
But I'm just mortified, actually.
But God had all cleared up pretty much and but still chose to stay home tonight.
I can do my meetings online like I've been doing the last few months.
And I've got step work to start on that I started last night.
I can continue working on that.
And in about an hour and a half, my roommate, her boyfriend's in town, so we're all going to go grocery shopping.
So it's all Gucci, but feeling suck.
You know, like, honestly, I don't even know how to say it like I am committed to this journey of authenticity.
I really am.
You know, and this is not a big deal.
This was not an argument.
Nobody was mean.
Nothing like but the fact that I experienced a little scratch of feeling and it turned into 45 minutes of crying, even though I knew it was all OK.
Oh, yuck.
You know, for someone who does not let themselves cry and avoids feelings.
That was just ugly.
And I was laying in bed.
And I was like, really?
Am I really going to do this?
It would be so much easier to put those walls up and pretend I'm OK.
Like I found myself texting our good friend and we were talking and I said, you know, it's just embarrassing because my ego says, even though I blew my life up a couple weeks ago and have permanently damaged myself.
My ego likes to say, you can still do it.
You can manipulate people and play it off and let people think you're all OK.
Everything is good.
That's what my ego tries to tell me, right?
And today people found out I'm not good and people found out that I haven't been good for a long time.
And, you know, like that defensive part of me just wants to go, oh my God, hide.
Leaf town and I can't.
But, you know, I had a boyfriend in my 20s.
He lived with me and he wasn't at it.
And every now and then he would use and it was a hard substance.
And when he chose to do this, he would leave the apartment to do it.
He never brought it into the apartment, but he'd be gone for at least three days minimum every time.
So one time I asked him, why are you gone for three days or more every time?
I don't get it.
You say you've just been in your car for two days.
Why didn't you come home?
And he said something really interesting that has stuck with me for three decades.
He said, cat, I have found nobody can hold one single emotion for three days straight.
Whether that's anger, well, maybe fear, but whether that's anger, frustration, whatever.
When you're upset with somebody and you disappear for three days, their lives go on.
They experienced so much in that three days that when you come back, it's almost like it didn't happen.
It's more normalized by then.
You know, so I think that's what was going on in my head today.
I don't know if I could just go to a town about a half hour from here and stay with a friend for a couple days.
I could come back, save face, everything would be good.
But that's not being authentic.
And the people who reached out to me today really, even though I haven't talked to them in the last couple months,
when they say they love me, I know they do.
You're going to hear fireworks every now and then, they're going off in the neighborhood.
So I'm lying there and I'm asking myself for like an hour, do I really want to do this?
This was just a teeny tiny drop in the ocean.
This was nothing, cat.
Do you really want to be authentic and be open with people and own your insecurities and own your pain, silly or not?
Even though people call me it wasn't silly, it felt silly because it's new to me.
You know, and the truth is during that hour on my bed, I couldn't answer yes, I really couldn't.
My head told me, maybe you need like some professional help to push you towards that commitment.
That, yeah, yeah, you do want to do this, but you know, somebody can't cheerlead you into that.
You have to talk with yourself, possibly with yourself and others.
And come up with reasons why you want to commit and not give up.
Anyway, I finally checked on something that I haven't checked on in a few days.
And there was some good, it was a project and there were some good progress notes and stuff.
And I thought, okay, get up, get out of bed, go for a walk.
It's not raining right now.
You've got an hour and a half till your grocery shopping.
Do some self care, take some action.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't feel any better at the end of it.
But get out and try, don't lay here because laying here, cat is just really fucking with your head.
So, clopped on my shoes, drank a cold cup of coffee and out I am.
And I have this playlist that I created on YouTube music, I've liked videos.
And it almost always cheers me up, the longest it's ever taken to cheer me up while I'm walking in this beautiful countryside.
It took 40 minutes one day when I was really, really angry.
But I still cheered up after 40 minutes.
You know, so I said, okay, I popped it on today.
Now, I didn't get amazing results, but I'm still out here an hour later.
It's pretty outside, the birds are singing.
It's green everywhere from the rain.
There's water pouring down little rivlets.
You know, and there is a song by this guy.
His name is Blessings Ofer.
And I think it's O-F-F-O-R.
It might only be 1F.
Anyway, he's really good.
And here are two cars, hold on.
And he has a song where he says, I know there's going to be brighter days.
You know, and there will be.
Just like my old boyfriend, three days from now, even I won't feel like this.
You know, but it takes putting some effort to getting up and getting out of my head.
I chose not to have another bowl of ice cream, which would have given me some dopamine.
But it would have been bad for calories and, um, it would have been bad for calories and my diabetes.
And I chose not to stay in bed.
I chose not to take my prescribed anxiety medicine, which I haven't had to take in a long time.
I chose not to take it knowing it was going to make me sleepy.
And that would have been the only reason so I could just shut my head off.
But I need to practice feeling feelings.
If I don't practice today, something will eventually come up again.
It has to. This is life.
So feeling feelings and getting comfortable with them is a process and a practice.
And the more we do it, the more we're able to tolerate and sit and or move forward while feeling uncomfortable about having feelings.
So I can practice it now and then keep practicing.
And maybe by January, it will be so much easier.
That's what I'd love to say.
But if I don't start now, what am I going to do? Wait till Christmas time and then it doesn't get better till a year from now?
That doesn't sound like a good option either.
So anyway, so I'm walking through it.
Today's a day of freedom and independence and personal independence means we can handle ourselves.
And we can reach out when it's a little tough and have a friend, you know, encourage us all and be there for us.
Do some self care like walking to raise my mood.
Eat healthy. Don't eat that crap.
Because like I said, it's just gonna throw my mood off and then later it'll lead to a crash.
And also I'm going to feel bad that I ate that stuff.
So choices today is choices.
And it's okay.
Like I said to somebody, the guy that made the comment, the little rib ribbing, joking.
When he reached out to me, you know, I told him I was all good.
I did explain what I've been going through.
And while it was explaining it, I'm like, I am not a victim.
I did this to myself.
I chose to do something that put me at risk for something happening by drinking and knowing I have blacked out in the past and drinking so much that, you know, I did it to me.
And those actions cost me. My actions cost me.
But just because I take total ownership of it and I am not a victim, crying boohoo.
I still get sad, you know, and I get depressed now and then.
And that's okay. And a friend of mine said that that's totally normal. It's totally normal.
But like I said, my ego wants to put up a front, fix managing control the narrative of how people see me.
And we talked about that the other day when we become authentic, we lose that right and that ability when we are just ourselves.
You know, my friends reached out and they were very supportive.
Had they actually been meeting people, they could have laughed at me, you know, like that's so silly, blah, blah, blah, but they didn't, you know.
It was just my fear, renting space in my head.
So just thought I'd get on here today. I'm going to do another podcast episode in a couple hours, try to get that posted early July 5th.
Get back to the curriculum of being authentic.
But I just thought I would share with you guys that yeah, feelings can suck, buddy.
But I got to practice them and you got to practice them.
So eventually, little things don't scratch so deep when they were never meant to.
You know, and that's on me to practice. That's on you to practice.
I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July.
I hear the fireworks and my neighbor, I mean my roommate who lived in the same house a year ago, I wasn't here yet, said they do fireworks in the neighborhood all night long.
So I guess it's just starting. I mean, sun's not going down for another hour and a half.
The town is not having fireworks till Saturday night.
But we'll see. I'll sit out here tonight and watch them if they got them.
Love, love, love fireworks.
And I've been loving those new fireworks shows that are being done with drones now.
They're cool. It's not the same thing, you know, as watching something just burst into a fly.
Or a big umbrella of colored sparkles falling over you.
But it's cool too.
So, and I'm sure I can find plenty of videos online showing me all that stuff.
It's cool in my house, buddy.
Anyway, so thank you all for listening.
I really appreciate it.
I would really love to hear from some of you.
How do you deal with emotions?
How do you deal with the first times of just being honest about who you are and where you are?
Okay, I can't tell if this is still recording or not. I hope it is.
Anyway, so let me know.
If you want to leave comments for me or get in touch with me, my email is cat.alexander2024 at gmail.com.
Or you can go to my YouTube station in the search bar if you do the at sign cat.alexander.
It should pull up the Unfuck Yourself podcast.
And you can comment on the videos there too. The videos are just podcast streams of this.
Anyway, hope to talk to you real soon. Bye-bye.