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Good evening!

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This is July 4th, 2024 and you are listening to Uncluck Yourself with Cat Alexander.

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We got a couple hours before sundown.

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It's been raining off and on all day where I live.

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And I'm finally getting out for a walk.

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Now I'm going to be honest, about 30 minutes ago, before I went on this walk,

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I was laying in bed, I had a washcloth over my face, and I was having some dark thoughts.

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See, what happened?

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Remember we talked about how we put on masks and protect ourselves and don't let people see us and all that stuff, right?

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Okay, so on this journey to authenticity, it means doing my best to cut that crap out, right?

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Well, okay, here's the thing.

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When I start letting my walls down, I open myself up to feelings that I normally suppress, act like I'm okay, I'm rolling with things, I'm unfazed, but that's not true.

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And, you know, I have avoided feelings for a very long time, for the most part.

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Don't get me wrong, I have them every now and then, but I do things to numb them or avoid them, distract myself.

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But we're doing things new today, aren't we?

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Okay, so this silly little thing happened.

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I'm part of a group chat, and I asked a question about whether there was going to be a meeting tonight.

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I mean, it's a holiday, but, you know, in 12-step groups, usually you have meetings 365 days a year,

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because people want to escape and numb out and participate in their addictions, especially on holidays.

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And I know that, but I was kind of wanting an in-person meeting tonight, and it's way out the road.

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And the people I usually go to, I really hadn't talked to at all about whether they were going this week or going to be in town or anything.

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So anyway, I asked in the group, and somebody, like, heartedly made, like, a comeback comment that was like a joke, you know, just kind of ribbing me.

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But I'm sensitive, and immediately my sensitivity and negative outlook, you know, that I'm working on, it fed into it.

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And immediately the negativity whispers to me, see, you're not part of the in-crowd, they think you're stupid.

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You've been doing this 32 years, these people just found out about it like four or five years ago, maybe only two years ago.

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But look how they're treating you, you are not part of the group, girl.

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You look stupid by asking that question.

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That's what my head told me immediately, right?

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So I just put a question mark after the person's comment, and they wrote back and, you know, said, you know, they were just joking around, of course, there's a meeting, blah, blah, blah.

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And it was all good as far as I was concerned on one level, but on the other level, the emotional level, I had started to cry because I had listened to my head.

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And I know what my head told me was a lie. It was a lie, you know.

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But it just broke something in me, as silly as that sounds, and I couldn't stop crying.

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And then there were a couple of comments later on about, oh, and then I put something in there about why I had asked, you know, that I hadn't been there in a while and, you know, I could have missed an important meeting or something.

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And just wanted to be sure and thank them for reassuring me.

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But then there were a couple of comments about bullying.

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And they were just talking about how, you know, mild, lighthearted bullying had kept some of them clean a couple years.

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Like, it was actually sound odd, but it was actually kind of good for them.

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And I get that.

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The problem is, you know, when I was younger, I could roll with things easier, especially because I wasn't about being in my feelings.

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So, you know, when I was younger, I'd be like, oh, I'll show you.

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Well, I don't have that get up and go spunk in your face type attitude as far as roll right off my back.

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I'm going to keep going and I'll show you I'm good.

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I don't have that.

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And I'll get it again.

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I'm just, you know, in a real sensitive space with what's been going on in my life for the last several months.

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So I just exited the group and figured, well, I know they play with each other like that.

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And I'm just a little sensitive right now.

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I don't need to really be a part of this right now when I'm going to take things wrong.

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But I know these people love me.

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I know they do.

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But I'm just too sensitive at this point.

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So I pulled out of the group and, you know,

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and then a couple of people, you know, reached out to me and, you know, I said, we're all good.

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I love you too.

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You know, I'm just a little sensitive right now and everything's good.

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And apparently while I was not part of the group, which I did redoing later,

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they had a little bit of discussion back and forth about how sometimes we don't know where other people are in their lives

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and whether or not they're sensitive.

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And a couple of people who know what I've been walking through apparently participated in that conversation

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by saying no and she's not good.

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It did not go over well.

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But I think I talked to enough people, several people to let them know I'm good.

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You know, I'm just embarrassed.

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I had feelings.

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I cried.

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Then I knew if I went to the meeting, I would be read or somebody would ask if I was good and it could start again.

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Because honestly, when we're working on ourselves, we don't know what's buried under there.

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We don't know what's getting triggered.

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We don't know what's going to come out.

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All I knew at that point is I kept crying.

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I wasn't boo-hooing, but the tears kept coming for a good 45 minutes.

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And that is really not like me.

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After I lost vision in my eye, like in two weeks, I cried like 25 seconds total in the first two weeks.

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I just really don't allow myself to get emotional.

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So I was embarrassed and I was embarrassed that they had this conversation without me and that people felt bad and whatever.

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You know, I don't want to draw attention to myself.

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I really don't.

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And that whole thing, you know, being fake, putting up walls, disguising our insecurities and our worries and whatever.

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That's so much more comfortable than just being real and saying, hey, I'm sensitive and I took it wrong and I'm sorry, it's on me, you know.

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But I'm just mortified, actually.

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But God had all cleared up pretty much and but still chose to stay home tonight.

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I can do my meetings online like I've been doing the last few months.

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And I've got step work to start on that I started last night.

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I can continue working on that.

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And in about an hour and a half, my roommate, her boyfriend's in town, so we're all going to go grocery shopping.

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So it's all Gucci, but feeling suck.

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You know, like, honestly, I don't even know how to say it like I am committed to this journey of authenticity.

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I really am.

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You know, and this is not a big deal.

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This was not an argument.

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Nobody was mean.

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Nothing like but the fact that I experienced a little scratch of feeling and it turned into 45 minutes of crying, even though I knew it was all OK.

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Oh, yuck.

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You know, for someone who does not let themselves cry and avoids feelings.

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That was just ugly.

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And I was laying in bed.

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And I was like, really?

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Am I really going to do this?

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It would be so much easier to put those walls up and pretend I'm OK.

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Like I found myself texting our good friend and we were talking and I said, you know, it's just embarrassing because my ego says, even though I blew my life up a couple weeks ago and have permanently damaged myself.

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My ego likes to say, you can still do it.

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You can manipulate people and play it off and let people think you're all OK.

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Everything is good.

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That's what my ego tries to tell me, right?

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And today people found out I'm not good and people found out that I haven't been good for a long time.

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And, you know, like that defensive part of me just wants to go, oh my God, hide.

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Leaf town and I can't.

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But, you know, I had a boyfriend in my 20s.

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He lived with me and he wasn't at it.

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And every now and then he would use and it was a hard substance.

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And when he chose to do this, he would leave the apartment to do it.

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He never brought it into the apartment, but he'd be gone for at least three days minimum every time.

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So one time I asked him, why are you gone for three days or more every time?

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I don't get it.

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You say you've just been in your car for two days.

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Why didn't you come home?

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And he said something really interesting that has stuck with me for three decades.

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He said, cat, I have found nobody can hold one single emotion for three days straight.

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Whether that's anger, well, maybe fear, but whether that's anger, frustration, whatever.

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When you're upset with somebody and you disappear for three days, their lives go on.

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They experienced so much in that three days that when you come back, it's almost like it didn't happen.

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It's more normalized by then.

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You know, so I think that's what was going on in my head today.

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I don't know if I could just go to a town about a half hour from here and stay with a friend for a couple days.

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I could come back, save face, everything would be good.

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But that's not being authentic.

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And the people who reached out to me today really, even though I haven't talked to them in the last couple months,

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when they say they love me, I know they do.

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You're going to hear fireworks every now and then, they're going off in the neighborhood.

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So I'm lying there and I'm asking myself for like an hour, do I really want to do this?

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This was just a teeny tiny drop in the ocean.

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This was nothing, cat.

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Do you really want to be authentic and be open with people and own your insecurities and own your pain, silly or not?

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Even though people call me it wasn't silly, it felt silly because it's new to me.

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You know, and the truth is during that hour on my bed, I couldn't answer yes, I really couldn't.

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My head told me, maybe you need like some professional help to push you towards that commitment.

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That, yeah, yeah, you do want to do this, but you know, somebody can't cheerlead you into that.

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You have to talk with yourself, possibly with yourself and others.

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And come up with reasons why you want to commit and not give up.

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Anyway, I finally checked on something that I haven't checked on in a few days.

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And there was some good, it was a project and there were some good progress notes and stuff.

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And I thought, okay, get up, get out of bed, go for a walk.

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It's not raining right now.

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You've got an hour and a half till your grocery shopping.

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Do some self care, take some action.

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Maybe I will, maybe I won't feel any better at the end of it.

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But get out and try, don't lay here because laying here, cat is just really fucking with your head.

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So, clopped on my shoes, drank a cold cup of coffee and out I am.

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And I have this playlist that I created on YouTube music, I've liked videos.

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And it almost always cheers me up, the longest it's ever taken to cheer me up while I'm walking in this beautiful countryside.

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It took 40 minutes one day when I was really, really angry.

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But I still cheered up after 40 minutes.

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You know, so I said, okay, I popped it on today.

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Now, I didn't get amazing results, but I'm still out here an hour later.

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It's pretty outside, the birds are singing.

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It's green everywhere from the rain.

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There's water pouring down little rivlets.

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You know, and there is a song by this guy.

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His name is Blessings Ofer.

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And I think it's O-F-F-O-R.

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It might only be 1F.

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Anyway, he's really good.

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And here are two cars, hold on.

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And he has a song where he says, I know there's going to be brighter days.

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You know, and there will be.

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Just like my old boyfriend, three days from now, even I won't feel like this.

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You know, but it takes putting some effort to getting up and getting out of my head.

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I chose not to have another bowl of ice cream, which would have given me some dopamine.

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But it would have been bad for calories and, um, it would have been bad for calories and my diabetes.

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And I chose not to stay in bed.

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I chose not to take my prescribed anxiety medicine, which I haven't had to take in a long time.

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I chose not to take it knowing it was going to make me sleepy.

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And that would have been the only reason so I could just shut my head off.

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But I need to practice feeling feelings.

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If I don't practice today, something will eventually come up again.

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It has to. This is life.

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So feeling feelings and getting comfortable with them is a process and a practice.

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And the more we do it, the more we're able to tolerate and sit and or move forward while feeling uncomfortable about having feelings.

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So I can practice it now and then keep practicing.

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And maybe by January, it will be so much easier.

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That's what I'd love to say.

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But if I don't start now, what am I going to do? Wait till Christmas time and then it doesn't get better till a year from now?

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That doesn't sound like a good option either.

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So anyway, so I'm walking through it.

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Today's a day of freedom and independence and personal independence means we can handle ourselves.

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And we can reach out when it's a little tough and have a friend, you know, encourage us all and be there for us.

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Do some self care like walking to raise my mood.

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Eat healthy. Don't eat that crap.

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Because like I said, it's just gonna throw my mood off and then later it'll lead to a crash.

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And also I'm going to feel bad that I ate that stuff.

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So choices today is choices.

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And it's okay.

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Like I said to somebody, the guy that made the comment, the little rib ribbing, joking.

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When he reached out to me, you know, I told him I was all good.

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I did explain what I've been going through.

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And while it was explaining it, I'm like, I am not a victim.

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I did this to myself.

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I chose to do something that put me at risk for something happening by drinking and knowing I have blacked out in the past and drinking so much that, you know, I did it to me.

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And those actions cost me. My actions cost me.

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But just because I take total ownership of it and I am not a victim, crying boohoo.

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I still get sad, you know, and I get depressed now and then.

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And that's okay. And a friend of mine said that that's totally normal. It's totally normal.

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But like I said, my ego wants to put up a front, fix managing control the narrative of how people see me.

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And we talked about that the other day when we become authentic, we lose that right and that ability when we are just ourselves.

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You know, my friends reached out and they were very supportive.

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Had they actually been meeting people, they could have laughed at me, you know, like that's so silly, blah, blah, blah, but they didn't, you know.

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It was just my fear, renting space in my head.

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So just thought I'd get on here today. I'm going to do another podcast episode in a couple hours, try to get that posted early July 5th.

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Get back to the curriculum of being authentic.

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But I just thought I would share with you guys that yeah, feelings can suck, buddy.

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But I got to practice them and you got to practice them.

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So eventually, little things don't scratch so deep when they were never meant to.

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You know, and that's on me to practice. That's on you to practice.

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I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July.

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I hear the fireworks and my neighbor, I mean my roommate who lived in the same house a year ago, I wasn't here yet, said they do fireworks in the neighborhood all night long.

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So I guess it's just starting. I mean, sun's not going down for another hour and a half.

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The town is not having fireworks till Saturday night.

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But we'll see. I'll sit out here tonight and watch them if they got them.

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Love, love, love fireworks.

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And I've been loving those new fireworks shows that are being done with drones now.

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They're cool. It's not the same thing, you know, as watching something just burst into a fly.

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Or a big umbrella of colored sparkles falling over you.

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But it's cool too.

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So, and I'm sure I can find plenty of videos online showing me all that stuff.

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It's cool in my house, buddy.

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Anyway, so thank you all for listening.

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I really appreciate it.

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I would really love to hear from some of you.

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How do you deal with emotions?

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How do you deal with the first times of just being honest about who you are and where you are?

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Okay, I can't tell if this is still recording or not. I hope it is.

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Anyway, so let me know.

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If you want to leave comments for me or get in touch with me, my email is cat.alexander2024 at gmail.com.

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Or you can go to my YouTube station in the search bar if you do the at sign cat.alexander.

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It should pull up the Unfuck Yourself podcast.

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And you can comment on the videos there too. The videos are just podcast streams of this.

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Anyway, hope to talk to you real soon. Bye-bye.