Welcome to Unfuck Yourself with Kat Alexander.
So this is kind of like the launch of the podcast.
I did an episode a couple months ago, kind of just a reaction to what I was dealing with
and what I know others are dealing with that a couple people resonated with.
I may or may not leave that up because it's really not the direction of this podcast.
Today is Monday, July 1, 2024.
It is a beautiful sunny day here where I live and I am out for a walk.
I kind of feel like I'm retitling this.
You know, the podcast is supposed to be about becoming authentic.
So I'm just going to get real with you all here on step one, day one.
Earlier, well, at the beginning of last month, I chose to drink and I am allergic to alcohol,
especially certain kinds of alcohol.
Once I start, I can't stop.
But even though I had some clean time under my belt, I was struggling with a lot of undercurrent
stuff that I've just never dealt with.
And at the time, for a couple months, I really just didn't want to wake up.
I didn't want to be here.
I have no intentions of hurting myself.
I never have until possibly this time.
Anyway, I thought I was going house sitting and I thought, okay, I could just have a little
bit at the beginning of the house sitting the first day and, you know, spend the next
10 days.
It will be out of my system.
I'll return home.
Everything will be Gucci.
But that's not what happened.
I bought a fifth of vodka, which is my poison.
Like I cannot stop, never have in decades.
Once I try that, it's on! Other things, maybe a sip and put it down, but not vodka.
So I lied to myself straight up, you know, delusional that I could just do that and be
done.
But the next day I bought a half gallon.
And the people I was house sitting for had not left yet.
And they said I was talking about some disturbing things like demons and stuff, which I am a
former pastor.
I'm not currently a Christian or a believer in the Bible.
And I have not necessarily believed in biblical demons and that those theories often on for
ages I've struggled with that.
I do think there is negative energy and entities in the world.
I just don't have that formulated completely.
Anyway, I have never in my life talked about demons.
So I don't know what that was about.
Anyway, they brought me back home and somehow, some way, I got hurt.
I was in a complete blackout.
I do not know how I hurt myself.
But I damaged my eye so bad that I no longer have vision in my left eye.
I had to have surgery on it.
And as it stands right now, there's still too much blood in the eye and behind the eye
to do more surgery.
My lens is detached.
My retina is detached.
What the hell did I do?
Like I have fallen when I've been drunk before and I was in abusive relationships and had
my eye beaten before.
But like I don't know what happened.
Nobody knows what happened.
And in the first surgery, they were just looking for a rupture to stop the bleeding because
they need the blood to go away to help me.
But when they opened it up, the next day the doctor said it was worse than anything he
could imagine.
He's rarely seen something that bad.
And a portion of the back, something in my brain in the back of the eyeball came through
the back of the eyeball, protruded into it.
And they shot it with lots of antibiotics.
But they felt like since it had been that way for at least a couple days, it was too
dangerous to leave it in.
And I don't even remember because, you know, it was the day after surgery.
I'm totally overwhelmed.
I don't even remember what part of the eyeball it was.
All I know is he said it's a crucial part and they really did not want to remove it,
but he felt like he had no choice.
At the time he told me we are trying to save what vision you have.
I said I don't have any vision.
He said no, but you see a little glow when we put the bright light in there.
And it's really like it was an orange glow only in parts of the eyeball.
And he said we're trying to save that.
And next we're trying to save the eyeball itself.
Well, I've been back each week to a surgeon and that glow that was bright orange reduced
in what actually came out as a glow.
It became like little chunks.
And then last week it was not orange anymore.
It's like a light, light, light, light beige.
So I'm losing that ability to.
So the reason I'm telling you all this is I just want to be honest.
My life is not perfect.
This thing about authenticity, I came up with it a few months ago because I felt like I was
on a journey towards authenticity.
And I really believe becoming authentic is how we unfuck our lives.
So I'm not telling you I have all the answers.
I am very research oriented, love, love, love research.
I have been in and around the self help movement for over three decades now.
I don't want this to be a podcast where I just come on here and regurgitate and tell
you what somebody famous said on their site.
I'm not here to copy other people and pretend I'm something I'm not.
That's not what you're going to get with me, I hope.
And if I ever do come off like that or become like that, please comment or I think my email
is in there somewhere.
Please let me know because it's the last thing I want.
Right now we have a culture that all these celebs are being found out to be frauds and
phonies and being authentic is the total opposite of that.
And it's scary and it's vulnerable.
You know I don't want to come on here and tell you all, yeah for under $20 a vodka I
lost vision in my eye and may lose my eyeball.
Who wants to say that shit?
But it's the truth.
So before I get 10 or 12 followers and somebody doxes me and finds out about this and puts
it out, let me just be like Eminem, like he was in 8 Mile where there's that scene where
he's rapping against somebody and the guy tries to commit him by telling the audience
things about Rabbit and when Eminem gets his chance he just spills the tea.
He just goes, and I did this and I did this and I did this and I did this.
Just get it out there and be real and be done with it.
I am on a walk so if you hear things going on, I apologize.
But with my depression, some days are better than others and I have to take action when
I feel it now.
No more putting it off.
Anyway, so I'm going to start doing this podcast.
God, I want to say I'll do it daily.
I don't know if that's true or not.
But I am going to be real with you no matter what.
And if I'm not your cup of tea, that's great.
I'm somebody else's cup of coffee.
We resonate with people we're meant to be in a tribe with.
And that's not everybody.
I used to say to my friends when I was dating decades ago, I didn't date much.
But when I was dating and they were dating and we would go out and talk about our dates,
nobody's bad.
Well, okay, that's not true.
There are bad people in the world or there are people who choose to do really bad things.
But when it comes to dating, you know, apples and oceans are not a match.
But both are good.
It just means they're not a match.
So squares and triangles, they're not a match.
So it's the same with online content.
You vibe where you vibe and that's totally okay.
So I'm on this journey to become authentic.
But one thing I know, there are no quick fixes and there will be things that I point out or
put out in videos from time to time that can help.
Like am I going for a walk today?
I don't want to be out here.
It's hard for me.
It's not hard quit making excuses, Kat.
It's different with one eye and watching for traffic.
And I haven't done it in a month.
So I'm feeling stupid, not stupid.
I'm just not feeling good about it because I was able to walk for miles and hours before.
After months of doing what I'm doing now, which is only a mile at a time.
And no matter how slow it is, I keep going.
But so walks are great, but they're not going to cure everything.
But there will be things that I point out that research has shown help with depression
or anxiety or mood or being authentic in a triumph or don't.
Totally up to you.
I'm not a trained psychiatrist.
I'm just a person who has found some things that work, tried some things that didn't,
but they worked for my friends.
I'm just one of you all.
And I'm on this journey with you to unfuck yourself and become authentic because, you
know, part of it is we put out for other people what we want them to see.
And we hide what we don't want people to see.
Totally the opposite of authentic.
And I still struggle with it, obviously, because, hey, I didn't want to exist until
any of my friends had.
I did tell a therapist and his response to me was, well, what do you think you should
do about that?
Bitch, I'm coming to you.
I'm asking for help.
I don't know what to do about it.
But I didn't advocate for myself.
I just decided I couldn't trust him for help.
So I didn't take anything deep to him the next time I saw him.
You know, and it took this accident for me to get honest and tell people I need a different
therapist.
I need to do deeper work.
There are things within me that go back to childhood.
Everybody has them.
You know, when we're children, we're really bad interpreters.
And while I know as an adult that those things make no sense and they don't apply to me,
things that people said about me, I still live like they do.
And I need help to figure that out, obviously, because I got to get clear.
I got to get clear.
So I hope you have enjoyed this.
I will post this today, maybe in the next few minutes.
Feel free to comment.
Feel free to reach out in email.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
I'm so glad we're starting this off.
And I ask, you know, at on an honest level.
And I look forward to talking with you all, hearing what you want to hear about, and building
a community.
Take care.