1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Welcome to Unfuck Yourself with Kat Alexander. 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:13,600 So this is kind of like the launch of the podcast. 3 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:22,160 I did an episode a couple months ago, kind of just a reaction to what I was dealing with 4 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:30,160 and what I know others are dealing with that a couple people resonated with. 5 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:37,680 I may or may not leave that up because it's really not the direction of this podcast. 6 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:42,520 Today is Monday, July 1, 2024. 7 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:50,120 It is a beautiful sunny day here where I live and I am out for a walk. 8 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:58,480 I kind of feel like I'm retitling this. 9 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:05,800 You know, the podcast is supposed to be about becoming authentic. 10 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:15,760 So I'm just going to get real with you all here on step one, day one. 11 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:31,640 Earlier, well, at the beginning of last month, I chose to drink and I am allergic to alcohol, 12 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,360 especially certain kinds of alcohol. 13 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,600 Once I start, I can't stop. 14 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:50,400 But even though I had some clean time under my belt, I was struggling with a lot of undercurrent 15 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,800 stuff that I've just never dealt with. 16 00:01:53,800 --> 00:02:01,880 And at the time, for a couple months, I really just didn't want to wake up. 17 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,480 I didn't want to be here. 18 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:09,200 I have no intentions of hurting myself. 19 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:15,680 I never have until possibly this time. 20 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:25,160 Anyway, I thought I was going house sitting and I thought, okay, I could just have a little 21 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:33,600 bit at the beginning of the house sitting the first day and, you know, spend the next 22 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,520 10 days. 23 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,160 It will be out of my system. 24 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,840 I'll return home. 25 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,080 Everything will be Gucci. 26 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,720 But that's not what happened. 27 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:48,520 I bought a fifth of vodka, which is my poison. 28 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,480 Like I cannot stop, never have in decades. 29 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:59,640 Once I try that, it's on! Other things, maybe a sip and put it down, but not vodka. 30 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:06,920 So I lied to myself straight up, you know, delusional that I could just do that and be 31 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,760 done. 32 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:14,560 But the next day I bought a half gallon. 33 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:20,320 And the people I was house sitting for had not left yet. 34 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:28,480 And they said I was talking about some disturbing things like demons and stuff, which I am a 35 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,600 former pastor. 36 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:38,360 I'm not currently a Christian or a believer in the Bible. 37 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:50,400 And I have not necessarily believed in biblical demons and that those theories often on for 38 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,280 ages I've struggled with that. 39 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,880 I do think there is negative energy and entities in the world. 40 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,240 I just don't have that formulated completely. 41 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:06,240 Anyway, I have never in my life talked about demons. 42 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,000 So I don't know what that was about. 43 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:15,920 Anyway, they brought me back home and somehow, some way, I got hurt. 44 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,280 I was in a complete blackout. 45 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,600 I do not know how I hurt myself. 46 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:31,600 But I damaged my eye so bad that I no longer have vision in my left eye. 47 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:36,320 I had to have surgery on it. 48 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:42,800 And as it stands right now, there's still too much blood in the eye and behind the eye 49 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,760 to do more surgery. 50 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,120 My lens is detached. 51 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,120 My retina is detached. 52 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,800 What the hell did I do? 53 00:04:54,800 --> 00:05:00,720 Like I have fallen when I've been drunk before and I was in abusive relationships and had 54 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,480 my eye beaten before. 55 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,040 But like I don't know what happened. 56 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,440 Nobody knows what happened. 57 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:13,320 And in the first surgery, they were just looking for a rupture to stop the bleeding because 58 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,760 they need the blood to go away to help me. 59 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,640 But when they opened it up, the next day the doctor said it was worse than anything he 60 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:21,640 could imagine. 61 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,120 He's rarely seen something that bad. 62 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:33,080 And a portion of the back, something in my brain in the back of the eyeball came through 63 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:37,520 the back of the eyeball, protruded into it. 64 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:44,520 And they shot it with lots of antibiotics. 65 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:53,240 But they felt like since it had been that way for at least a couple days, it was too 66 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,760 dangerous to leave it in. 67 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,120 And I don't even remember because, you know, it was the day after surgery. 68 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,280 I'm totally overwhelmed. 69 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,360 I don't even remember what part of the eyeball it was. 70 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:10,120 All I know is he said it's a crucial part and they really did not want to remove it, 71 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,080 but he felt like he had no choice. 72 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:18,120 At the time he told me we are trying to save what vision you have. 73 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,680 I said I don't have any vision. 74 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:24,480 He said no, but you see a little glow when we put the bright light in there. 75 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:30,520 And it's really like it was an orange glow only in parts of the eyeball. 76 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,280 And he said we're trying to save that. 77 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,920 And next we're trying to save the eyeball itself. 78 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:51,280 Well, I've been back each week to a surgeon and that glow that was bright orange reduced 79 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,240 in what actually came out as a glow. 80 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,200 It became like little chunks. 81 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:03,080 And then last week it was not orange anymore. 82 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,880 It's like a light, light, light, light beige. 83 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,720 So I'm losing that ability to. 84 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:14,400 So the reason I'm telling you all this is I just want to be honest. 85 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,240 My life is not perfect. 86 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:22,760 This thing about authenticity, I came up with it a few months ago because I felt like I was 87 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,160 on a journey towards authenticity. 88 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:33,600 And I really believe becoming authentic is how we unfuck our lives. 89 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,680 So I'm not telling you I have all the answers. 90 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:43,680 I am very research oriented, love, love, love research. 91 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:54,520 I have been in and around the self help movement for over three decades now. 92 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:59,880 I don't want this to be a podcast where I just come on here and regurgitate and tell 93 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,480 you what somebody famous said on their site. 94 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:08,960 I'm not here to copy other people and pretend I'm something I'm not. 95 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,200 That's not what you're going to get with me, I hope. 96 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:17,600 And if I ever do come off like that or become like that, please comment or I think my email 97 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,480 is in there somewhere. 98 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,200 Please let me know because it's the last thing I want. 99 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:32,240 Right now we have a culture that all these celebs are being found out to be frauds and 100 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:38,480 phonies and being authentic is the total opposite of that. 101 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,360 And it's scary and it's vulnerable. 102 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:48,640 You know I don't want to come on here and tell you all, yeah for under $20 a vodka I 103 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,480 lost vision in my eye and may lose my eyeball. 104 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,880 Who wants to say that shit? 105 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,560 But it's the truth. 106 00:08:55,560 --> 00:09:07,240 So before I get 10 or 12 followers and somebody doxes me and finds out about this and puts 107 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:15,880 it out, let me just be like Eminem, like he was in 8 Mile where there's that scene where 108 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:24,800 he's rapping against somebody and the guy tries to commit him by telling the audience 109 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:33,120 things about Rabbit and when Eminem gets his chance he just spills the tea. 110 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:38,440 He just goes, and I did this and I did this and I did this and I did this. 111 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:45,040 Just get it out there and be real and be done with it. 112 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:51,560 I am on a walk so if you hear things going on, I apologize. 113 00:09:51,560 --> 00:10:02,840 But with my depression, some days are better than others and I have to take action when 114 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,360 I feel it now. 115 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,960 No more putting it off. 116 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:14,240 Anyway, so I'm going to start doing this podcast. 117 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:18,120 God, I want to say I'll do it daily. 118 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,600 I don't know if that's true or not. 119 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:25,720 But I am going to be real with you no matter what. 120 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,520 And if I'm not your cup of tea, that's great. 121 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,920 I'm somebody else's cup of coffee. 122 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:39,280 We resonate with people we're meant to be in a tribe with. 123 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,760 And that's not everybody. 124 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:49,720 I used to say to my friends when I was dating decades ago, I didn't date much. 125 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:54,920 But when I was dating and they were dating and we would go out and talk about our dates, 126 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:55,920 nobody's bad. 127 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,000 Well, okay, that's not true. 128 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:03,320 There are bad people in the world or there are people who choose to do really bad things. 129 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:13,920 But when it comes to dating, you know, apples and oceans are not a match. 130 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,440 But both are good. 131 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,120 It just means they're not a match. 132 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:24,720 So squares and triangles, they're not a match. 133 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:30,160 So it's the same with online content. 134 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:34,680 You vibe where you vibe and that's totally okay. 135 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:39,280 So I'm on this journey to become authentic. 136 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:47,720 But one thing I know, there are no quick fixes and there will be things that I point out or 137 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:54,320 put out in videos from time to time that can help. 138 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,160 Like am I going for a walk today? 139 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,480 I don't want to be out here. 140 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:00,480 It's hard for me. 141 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,560 It's not hard quit making excuses, Kat. 142 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:10,280 It's different with one eye and watching for traffic. 143 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,720 And I haven't done it in a month. 144 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:20,240 So I'm feeling stupid, not stupid. 145 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:30,480 I'm just not feeling good about it because I was able to walk for miles and hours before. 146 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:36,880 After months of doing what I'm doing now, which is only a mile at a time. 147 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:40,400 And no matter how slow it is, I keep going. 148 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:46,120 But so walks are great, but they're not going to cure everything. 149 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:51,840 But there will be things that I point out that research has shown help with depression 150 00:12:51,840 --> 00:13:00,360 or anxiety or mood or being authentic in a triumph or don't. 151 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,360 Totally up to you. 152 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,880 I'm not a trained psychiatrist. 153 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:11,440 I'm just a person who has found some things that work, tried some things that didn't, 154 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,720 but they worked for my friends. 155 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,760 I'm just one of you all. 156 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:24,840 And I'm on this journey with you to unfuck yourself and become authentic because, you 157 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:37,600 know, part of it is we put out for other people what we want them to see. 158 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:41,600 And we hide what we don't want people to see. 159 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,120 Totally the opposite of authentic. 160 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:52,920 And I still struggle with it, obviously, because, hey, I didn't want to exist until 161 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,080 any of my friends had. 162 00:13:55,080 --> 00:14:00,080 I did tell a therapist and his response to me was, well, what do you think you should 163 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,560 do about that? 164 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,760 Bitch, I'm coming to you. 165 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,760 I'm asking for help. 166 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,880 I don't know what to do about it. 167 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,000 But I didn't advocate for myself. 168 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,360 I just decided I couldn't trust him for help. 169 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:23,080 So I didn't take anything deep to him the next time I saw him. 170 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:30,560 You know, and it took this accident for me to get honest and tell people I need a different 171 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,560 therapist. 172 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,200 I need to do deeper work. 173 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:38,640 There are things within me that go back to childhood. 174 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,640 Everybody has them. 175 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:44,560 You know, when we're children, we're really bad interpreters. 176 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:53,160 And while I know as an adult that those things make no sense and they don't apply to me, 177 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:59,280 things that people said about me, I still live like they do. 178 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:07,520 And I need help to figure that out, obviously, because I got to get clear. 179 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,840 I got to get clear. 180 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:16,040 So I hope you have enjoyed this. 181 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:24,920 I will post this today, maybe in the next few minutes. 182 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,280 Feel free to comment. 183 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,080 Feel free to reach out in email. 184 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,280 I hope you have a wonderful day. 185 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,120 I'm so glad we're starting this off. 186 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,840 And I ask, you know, at on an honest level. 187 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:46,840 And I look forward to talking with you all, hearing what you want to hear about, and building 188 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,840 a community. 189 00:15:49,840 --> 00:16:06,880 Take care.