1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,420 Hello, thank you for joining me on conversations with catalysts. 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:08,060 Please find my links anytime at jeremywest.net. 3 00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:14,640 Right now I am offering a free session with me to explore whether you want to do 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:20,700 an eight week mindfulness course, which is pay what you want or just pay it forward. 5 00:00:21,420 --> 00:00:24,620 So check out jeremywest.net for that. 6 00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:29,080 Also pay what you want slash pay it forward therapy sessions. 7 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,400 If there's anything you're working on that you would like to try hypnotherapy on. 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,120 Today I have with me, Quincy Whorf. 9 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,680 Welcome to the podcast, Quincy. 10 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:37,780 Thank you so much for having me. 11 00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:38,960 Thank you. 12 00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:43,760 Before we really get started, can I just have you tell us a little bit about who is 13 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:47,080 Quincy Whorf and how did you come to the world of coaching? 14 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:52,240 Oh my, I came to the world of coaching by totally by accident, but I've been doing 15 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,560 it for the last Oh, 20 plus years. 16 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,040 And I, you know, I specialize in a couple of areas. 17 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,960 I do a lot of love and relationship and dating coaching. 18 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:07,240 I do a lot of life and executive type coaching, but I also do addiction 19 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,840 intervention and recovery coaching as well. 20 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,480 And, you know, I I've always been one of those kinds of people who, you know, feel 21 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,080 like everything kind of mixes into everything. 22 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,440 And so just because that's the starting point of where we may get together, it 23 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,720 doesn't mean that that's where it stays all the time. 24 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,040 Oh yeah, for sure. 25 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,920 So you ended up in the world of coaching a little bit by accident. 26 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,920 Tell me, tell me a little bit about that story. 27 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:36,040 It was something that I was doing in the beginning as, you know, just kind of like 28 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:40,400 as on a volunteer thing, like it was, it was something I would help people out with 29 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,000 here and there once in a while. 30 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,400 And then it became something that people started referring other people to, or they 31 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,280 would hear me speak and they would say, you know, Oh my God, could you please help 32 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:50,920 me with this? 33 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:55,320 And so it just kind of, it kind of just evolved naturally into what it was 34 00:01:55,320 --> 00:02:00,520 supposed to become to the point where it became a full fledged like business, you 35 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:00,760 know. 36 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:07,000 So were you a speaker, a public speaker already before you became a coach? 37 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,920 Yeah, actually I was working as a, I did a lot of public speaking for, you know, 38 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,400 all different kinds of topics. 39 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,520 And, you know, I guess that that's kind of where people would hear me and they 40 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,720 would hear my ideas and what was going on with me. 41 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,560 And they'd be like, Oh my God, that makes perfect sense, you know? 42 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,800 And, and so the coaching thing just kind of came naturally. 43 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,520 Like I was really, you know, doing the speaking thing and thinking the speaking 44 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,200 thing was really what I wanted to do, but I've actually really enjoyed both of 45 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,280 those things, you know? 46 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,240 So, so back up a little bit. 47 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,280 How did you end up as a speaker? 48 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,360 How did I end up as a speaker? 49 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:46,120 Well, I started speaking in, I started speaking in college on different topics 50 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:51,080 of mostly about addiction, mostly about, you know, mental health stuff. 51 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,360 And it was all kind of like volunteer stuff that people would say, Oh, please 52 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,360 go tell your story. 53 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,800 And I was like, okay, I'll tell my story if that's what you want to hear. 54 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:05,400 And, and I would just go and I would tell my story and about, you know, growing up 55 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:10,320 in Hollywood and, you know, being a teenage alcoholic and, you know, growing 56 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,480 up in the music business and having this, you know, what sounded like it should 57 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,920 have been a wild and crazy life to it turning into a complete nightmare and 58 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:24,400 being, you know, super dangerous and putting me in a lot of situations that, 59 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:29,760 you know, you wouldn't want your 15, 16, 17 year old child to go through, you 60 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:34,800 know, and then spending, you know, getting, getting sober and spending, you 61 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,640 know, my, the rest of my life being sober and what that's looked like in all the 62 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:43,200 trials and tribulations of learning how to find new coping mechanisms, be 63 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,560 besides things that you can become addicted to, cause you can get addicted 64 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:47,840 to anything, right? 65 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,760 If you have that type of personality and anything that makes you feel good, you 66 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,720 know, that you want to do on a regular basis to avoid dealing with what you 67 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:02,280 don't want to deal with is, you know, is, is destructive behavior in a lot of ways. 68 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:03,000 Okay. 69 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,720 So can you tell us a little bit more about growing up in Hollywood? 70 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:07,800 Sure. 71 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:12,360 I mean, my father, my family is, they come from, I come from old Hollywood 72 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,000 royalty, as they used to call it. 73 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:18,000 My grandfather was an actor and a writer and a director. 74 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,600 And he was, you know, on the stage and on a whole bunch of movies and 75 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,400 directed a whole bunch of TV shows. 76 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,480 And so, you know, my, my dad's family all came from that. 77 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:32,600 And so my father, he wasn't an actor, but he was an artist and he ended up working 78 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,720 in the music business my whole life and designing album covers, which most, most 79 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,120 people don't know what those are. 80 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:39,320 Right. 81 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:39,800 Yeah. 82 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:40,920 Pretty funny. 83 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,080 Like, you know, you gotta go Google that and figure out what it is. 84 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,640 But so he designed album covers. 85 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,800 So it was just, we had a very interesting lifestyle. 86 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,520 There was a lot of really interesting people in my house growing up. 87 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:54,520 Like I, there were a lot of, you know, drunk, naked musicians at my house, which 88 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,120 again, I didn't know that wasn't normal. 89 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,560 I thought everybody had that at their house, but apparently not so much. 90 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:04,520 So I was just around a lot of people and then, you know, being in the, in the 91 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,880 club scene and being, you know, just living in Los Angeles and living in 92 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,360 Hollywood, you know, during, during the eighties, you know, was, it was a 93 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,920 fun place to be at the time. 94 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,800 But then it became a bit messy. 95 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:18,160 Oh yeah. 96 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:23,440 Very, very messy, very quickly, you know, and that's like, it was, it was a different 97 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:23,840 time. 98 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:29,280 My parents were, you know, that generation was a lot more hands off than this 99 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,920 generation is with their kids. 100 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:35,800 And it wasn't that they ignored us, but we were, we had a lot more autonomy and a 101 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,680 lot more freedom and I had a little, probably too much freedom. 102 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,880 And, you know, my mom and my dad ended up going through a horrible, nasty divorce. 103 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,520 And during that whole time, you know, neither one of them were really paying 104 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,800 attention to what I was doing. 105 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,720 And I was out clubbing every night and drinking and doing drugs and hanging out 106 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,920 with boys and having a good old time. 107 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,760 But it ended up getting pretty dangerous for me. 108 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:03,880 And I was lucky that, you know, I didn't get into more scrapes than I did. 109 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,040 So how did the change start to happen for you? 110 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:10,560 You know, it's funny because people always say, you know, people always say, you 111 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,400 know, you got to wait for an addict to hit bottom and, you know, everybody's 112 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:18,280 bottom looks different when it comes to dealing with drugs and alcohol, 113 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:22,480 especially, or any addiction, like, you know, whatever, whenever you decide to 114 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,040 stop digging, that's your bottom. 115 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:28,880 And, you know, for me, it would take a lot of demoralization pain behind 116 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:29,720 demoralization. 117 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:35,760 And, you know, there were lots of times when I would drink and get drunk and, 118 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:40,000 you know, things would happen to me that I had no control over them happening. 119 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,960 You know, I would be with people who I thought were safe, who really weren't 120 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:48,040 safe and because I was loaded, could not defend myself, whether it was a sexual 121 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:53,000 assault or being in a place that I shouldn't have been in or whatever it was 122 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,440 or things that were happening around me that I had no control over. 123 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,720 And, you know, one of the last times I drank, I was in a situation where this 124 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:06,680 guy who I thought I was friends with, I thought he was like being my protector 125 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,080 of this one particular night. 126 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,880 I was so drunk and so out of my mind. 127 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,240 And it turned out he was just, you know, moving me away from the regular room so 128 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,800 that he could have his way with me. 129 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,560 And I was so paralyzed because I was so drunk that I couldn't even stop him 130 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:22,280 from doing it. 131 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:26,600 And, you know, I was mostly in a blackout, so there's a lot of it I don't remember. 132 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,400 But those were the kinds of things that were happening to me. 133 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:33,200 And it was a price in the beginning that I was willing to pay for drugs and 134 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:38,800 alcohol because, you know, being drunk, being that drunk, you don't feel 135 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:39,120 anything. 136 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,080 You don't remember anything. 137 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,360 You don't care about anything. 138 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,160 And that was kind of what I was going for. 139 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:47,880 But it was getting harder and harder for me to not remember and harder and harder 140 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,600 for me to make the shame go away. 141 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,200 And I finally just hit a wall where I was like, you know what? 142 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,800 I can't do this anymore. 143 00:07:54,800 --> 00:08:00,400 I can't stay drunk long enough to not feel like, you know, the world's biggest 144 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:00,880 piece of shit. 145 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:05,560 And I can't stay sober long enough to feel okay on this planet. 146 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,880 And I just, I didn't know what to do, you know, and as luck would have it, I 147 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,440 ended up getting sober and running into a whole bunch of other people that were 148 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,880 sober and my life changed forever. 149 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,120 So it was good. 150 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:22,840 So were you able to just quit cold turkey on your own or how did you go about that? 151 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:23,720 I mean, I did. 152 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,720 Like I remember detoxing in my room by myself for a couple of days. 153 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:32,160 I mean, a long time ago before there were rehabs, it was, you know, like I've 154 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,080 been sober since 1988. 155 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,600 So rehabs were not all the rage that they are now. 156 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,080 I mean, now there's one on every street corner, but, you know, back in those days, 157 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,080 you just shook it out. 158 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,080 And I did. 159 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,240 Like I just sweated and had a headache and I was like, I'm going to go to 160 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,240 rehab. 161 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,920 I had a headache and slept and was miserable for a couple of days. 162 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:51,920 And I was lucky. 163 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,440 I wasn't nearly as saturated as I could have been. 164 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:59,920 Like, you know, there's detoxing off alcohol is really dangerous. 165 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,320 It can actually kill you between that and benzos. 166 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,240 Those are the only two detoxes that can really, really hurt you. 167 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:12,040 The others will make you wish you were dead, but it won't necessarily kill you. 168 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:16,400 But detoxing off alcohol is really dangerous. 169 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:21,440 And I was lucky that I wasn't so saturated that I ended up having like seizures or, 170 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:26,560 you know, going into, you know, any kind of other type of physical reaction. 171 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,800 I just, I was just miserable for four days. 172 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,360 And then finally, you know, came out of it. 173 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:38,360 So do you remember when you were that miserable for four days, how you stopped yourself from 174 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,680 drinking again? 175 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:46,240 You know, most of it had to do with, you know, being, you know, I ran into a bunch of people 176 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:50,900 in 12-step programs and I ended up going to a 12-step program, which was great and worked 177 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,440 for me perfectly. 178 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:53,820 And that was a lot of it. 179 00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:59,400 But a lot of it also was really getting clarity, clarity on the fact that that wasn't an option 180 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,400 for me anymore. 181 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,860 Like me drinking and using was, it was causing more pain than it was killing. 182 00:10:05,860 --> 00:10:08,240 And I really was too chicken-shed to kill myself. 183 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,920 So it was like, you better come up with something else. 184 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:15,360 And you know, and truthfully, like, because I didn't really understand what addiction 185 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:20,760 was all about, I just found other things to get addicted to, whether it was, you know, 186 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:27,040 boys or, you know, shopping or food or, you know, whatever it was that I, you know, was 187 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,760 using to avoid dealing with the things that were unpleasant in my life. 188 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,800 You know, I just kept changing one addiction to another, to another, to another, until 189 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,920 I finally hit a wall and had to learn how to get tools. 190 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,920 Right. 191 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,800 Which is what 12-step programs are really about is tools. 192 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:49,640 But most people, most people don't even understand how 12-step programs work. 193 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:50,840 And I didn't for a long time. 194 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,640 Like I didn't understand that drugs and alcohol weren't the problem. 195 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,280 Whatever it was that I was addicted to wasn't the problem. 196 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,460 I was the problem. 197 00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:04,280 Like I, the way I, you know, solved problems was the problem. 198 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:09,280 And the way I solved problems at the time was to not solve problems, was to pretend 199 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,360 that they weren't happening or to, you know, go in a different direction. 200 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,760 I mean, addiction is all about avoidance. 201 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,760 That's all it's really about. 202 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,880 And you know, it's, it's hard for, it was hard for me for a long time to face the stuff 203 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:25,080 that scared the crap out of me or face the stuff that was painful or any of that kind 204 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,080 of stuff. 205 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:31,480 And until I really learned that that stuff couldn't hurt me again, I couldn't face it. 206 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,360 So, you know, it just, it takes time. 207 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,360 It takes time. 208 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:39,640 People have to want to be different and they have to want to know what makes them tick. 209 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:43,160 And you know, I just kept making the same mistakes over and over and over again. 210 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,840 And I got sick and tired of doing that. 211 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,320 So at some point I became willing to learn how to do it differently. 212 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:54,560 And you know, for me, pain is the great motivator, you know, and I will do anything to get out 213 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,240 of pain, but I don't want the pain to come back. 214 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:03,280 So learning how to, you know, learning how to, how to deal with pain, how to process 215 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,760 pain, how to process trauma, how to, you know, learn how to communicate in different ways, 216 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,400 learn how to, you know, relate to different things, learn how to have different boundaries, 217 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,400 have boundaries at all. 218 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,800 Like I had no boundaries most of my life. 219 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,860 And then having to get boundaries was really painful and difficult. 220 00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:25,600 But dealing with all that stuff is, you know, what, what gives me today the, the insight 221 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:30,000 that I have into people because I've been through so many different kinds of things 222 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:35,680 and I've done such a tremendous amount of work on my own pain and my own trauma and 223 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:41,440 my own, you know, deficiencies, you know, it's easy for me now to spot that stuff in 224 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,240 people and help them get through that process as well. 225 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:49,280 And you know, it's funny when I first started coaching people, like I didn't really understand 226 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:54,840 how much I was going to learn about the process when I started coaching people. 227 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:59,160 Like you can sit there and tell somebody, you know, everything that they need to know 228 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,920 about themselves to be different. 229 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:05,840 But really until they start trying to help somebody else be different, they may not even 230 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,880 understand it or really understand how to apply it. 231 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:09,880 Yeah. 232 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:14,240 I saw a sign somewhere once that said, I teach what I must need to learn. 233 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,240 Exactly. 234 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,240 Exactly. 235 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,880 And that's, I mean, that's so true. 236 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,360 It's funny. 237 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,080 It's the best way to learn because you, it becomes ingrained in you. 238 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,160 If we could figure out how to, you know, turn the school systems into a students teaching 239 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,600 students situation, they'd probably be a lot smarter. 240 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:37,480 Well, I won't go off on too much of a tangent, but I, there's a school in Sudbury, Massachusetts 241 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:41,280 that works that way, but it's just called the Sudbury School. 242 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:49,360 So Quincy, what is your, now that you've dumped the negative addictions, what is your go to 243 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,160 when you, when that pain surfaces now? 244 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,720 Well, there's, there's a bunch of different things that I, you know what I mean? 245 00:13:55,720 --> 00:14:00,440 Like the number one thing I've learned probably in the last, I don't know, a couple of years 246 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:08,260 is that no matter, no matter how many tools you have, if you don't allow yourself to process 247 00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:13,600 the feelings that come up as a result of whatever it is that's going on with you, we call it 248 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:20,360 spiritual bypassing, you won't get to where you need to get to any faster, right? 249 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:25,720 Like you kind of, there's a process, there's a whole process that happens in really moving 250 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,240 from one place to another emotionally. 251 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,240 And you can't just will it away just because you want to. 252 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:37,040 But what I've also learned is that until I've processed the feelings and until I can, you 253 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:42,400 know, get to a place where I'm not as emotional about what it is that's going on, I can't 254 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:46,680 really start to work on how can I look at this differently, right? 255 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:53,440 So but learning how to identify that number one, feelings are there as red flags to tell 256 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,280 me number one, something's going on. 257 00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,120 Number two, you know, the only thing I can do about it is the way I'm looking at it, 258 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:05,080 the way I understand it, the way I perceive it, what I've decided it means about me, all 259 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,200 of those kinds of things. 260 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:11,240 I can't do anything about what the other person has done or doing or not doing, but I can 261 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,160 change the way that I'm looking at it or figure out what it is that I'm supposed to learn 262 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,560 from it. 263 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:22,800 And so I have a process that I've used, you know, for probably at least the last 20 something 264 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:28,160 years of, you know, recognizing, number one, what I'm having feelings because I can be 265 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,160 really busy. 266 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,500 Like, I'm also addicted to being busy. 267 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,720 And I'm really good at being busy so that I don't have feelings. 268 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,160 Right. 269 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:40,040 And I have to learn how to, you know, I had to learn how to recognize when I wasn't in 270 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,520 the greatest of places, what that meant and what I needed to do with it or else it was 271 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,200 going to come and get me, you know. 272 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,300 And so there's just a process. 273 00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:53,720 It means taking time to meditate so that I can get clear on what it is that's going on 274 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,720 with me. 275 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,200 It means, you know, taking time to journal on a regular basis. 276 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:04,040 It means taking time to really check in with what's going on with me and having somebody 277 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,600 say to me, you know, what is going on with you? 278 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,600 Because I can get away from myself, no problem. 279 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,260 I can not answer my own questions really easily. 280 00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:18,480 But I have, you know, I have always had a coach or I've had somebody that I do accountability 281 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,640 work with because I'm not really good at seeing myself. 282 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,120 I'm really great at seeing you, but I'm not great at seeing myself. 283 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,040 So I always have needed somebody to say, you know, you seem a little off. 284 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,040 What's going on with you? 285 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,900 I won't even notice it, but somebody outside of me will notice it before me. 286 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:37,720 And that's, you know, that's so important in my life. 287 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,720 You know? 288 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:39,720 Yeah. 289 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:46,320 And my coach says when you're looking for a coach, make sure that they have a coach 290 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,320 because everyone. 291 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,320 Yeah. 292 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,320 Yeah. 293 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:50,320 Yeah. 294 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,320 Because what was it? 295 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:55,960 Oh, she said she said that people ask her, what's it like to have all your shit together? 296 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,080 And she's like, I don't know. 297 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,760 Let me know if you get to that point. 298 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:01,760 That's so true. 299 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,080 Yeah, it's not that people are nobody's perfect, right? 300 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:10,680 Nobody does this perfectly, but I really believe that if you're not still continuing to grow 301 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,920 or still continuing to do your work, you're limited as a coach. 302 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:19,000 And not only that, like there's a level of humility that comes with being able to have 303 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:23,680 somebody in your life who kind of keeps your feet on the ground and says, Hey, you know, 304 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,400 this is, this isn't working for you. 305 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,240 We need to look at this, you know, before you turn around and say to somebody else, 306 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,080 Hey, this isn't working for you. 307 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,080 You know? 308 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,080 Yeah. 309 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,600 And that's the only spot, you know, what you've worked on. 310 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:40,040 Like that was my biggest problem with therapy for a long time was I would go to therapists 311 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:44,400 as a, as a kid or as a, you know, in my twenties or whatever. 312 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,400 And these people would have just gotten out of school or whatever, and they had like no 313 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,400 life experience. 314 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:54,660 Or even if they were older, their life experience was so different than what I was going through 315 00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:55,660 in my life. 316 00:17:55,660 --> 00:18:01,720 And it was hard to have conversations with people who really could not understand what 317 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,680 I was going through because they had never even been through it. 318 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,960 They'd never been around it. 319 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,000 They'd never had any experience with it. 320 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:15,480 And you know, it's, it's hard to help heal somebody who, who doesn't have that kind of 321 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,680 base in their life, you know? 322 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:24,680 So when you would be talking to a counselor and they didn't, they didn't understand what 323 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,160 you were going through, how did that make you feel? 324 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,160 Just kidding. 325 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,400 But if you could bring more of any one thing into the world, Quincy, what would it be? 326 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,400 What would it be? 327 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,400 Tolerance, you know, tolerance. 328 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,400 Tell me more. 329 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:41,960 I just think that most of, I mean, even, you know, I, even I, I have a, I have a hard time 330 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,760 being tolerant of my teenager, right? 331 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:48,680 Cause he's not doing it the way I want him to do things instead of being in a place of 332 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,300 tolerance where I remember that he has a path and I've got to let him do things the way 333 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,760 he's supposed to do things. 334 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:58,000 You know, if we can't let the people in our house be different, how are we going to let 335 00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,840 people in the world be different? 336 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,680 And you know, it's just, it's one of those things that like, until you have a level of 337 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:10,200 tolerance for others, I don't know how much compassion you can actually have either, you 338 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,200 know? 339 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:16,880 So you're telling me that your teenager does things in a way that it's as almost as if 340 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,280 he doesn't have 50 years of life experience. 341 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:20,280 Oh yeah. 342 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,280 It's quite irritating. 343 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,280 That's so frustrating. 344 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,280 I know. 345 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,280 Yeah, child. 346 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,280 But yeah. 347 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,280 I have teenagers as well. 348 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,280 Yeah. 349 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:33,880 They are, you know, and it's funny cause he's so much like I was at his age, even though 350 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:37,760 like situations are different or what he's willing to tolerate is, you know, what he's 351 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,040 doing in his life is different. 352 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:44,160 But at the same time, he's going through the same kind of life experiences that I went 353 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,160 through at that age. 354 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:49,620 And I forget what it's like to be a 17 year old, you know, all I can see is do you need 355 00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:52,860 to do this and you need to get it done now, you know? 356 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:56,840 And you know, he's got his own stuff going on and it's, you know, I, I just have to always 357 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,320 check myself for, you know, how tolerant am I being? 358 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,400 Am I being tolerant of people on the freeway? 359 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:08,920 Am I, you know, I just got back from, I had to go do a talk in Michigan and you know, 360 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,440 traveling and watching people, you know, at the airport or being on airplanes with people 361 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:17,320 is frustrating because there are some people who travel well and there are some people 362 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,360 who travel like they have never been on an airplane before, you know? 363 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,360 And it's hard. 364 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:26,280 It's hard sometimes to like have patience for other people and remember that everybody 365 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:31,760 here on this planet has a different level of experience, different level of, you know, 366 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,800 education, different level of everything, you know? 367 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:41,120 And so everybody has a different, you know, comes to the table in every moment differently 368 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,800 than the person next to them. 369 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:48,040 And you know, letting people be who they are without taking them personal is probably one 370 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:52,640 of the things that I help people the most with in coaching. 371 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:58,720 I would have to, especially relationship coaching, oh my God, you know, we take people, we take 372 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,400 our partners, we take people we're interested in, you know, or people we date, all those 373 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,400 kinds of things. 374 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:09,240 We take all of that stuff so personally, like it means something bad about us when the truth 375 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:13,320 is that most of the time it means nothing about us. 376 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,840 It's just who they are, you know? 377 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:21,240 And you know, how much freer the world would be if people, you know, could stop taking 378 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,720 everybody so personally. 379 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:27,680 Yeah, something that I read sometime in the last few years, it's really stuck with me, 380 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,240 is just assume everyone is doing the best that they can. 381 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:32,600 And that does two things. 382 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,880 Number one, you know, you are tolerant and forgive because they're doing the best they 383 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,880 can. 384 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:42,360 And number two, if they're not, if they're not, if their best isn't good enough for you, 385 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:46,160 then maybe they shouldn't be in your life. 386 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,600 But again, there's no reason to hold any grudges or anything because they were doing the best 387 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,600 that they could. 388 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,600 Yeah, exactly. 389 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:56,640 And that's, you know, that's hard for a lot of people, you know? 390 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:02,040 Yeah, probably most of us because we can, as you say, we can only see things from our 391 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,040 own perspective. 392 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,040 Perspective. 393 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,880 So we have all the experience we have. 394 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,480 Yeah, we don't and we don't know how much we're driving other people nuts by not having 395 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,360 the experience they have. 396 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,160 But we do know that they're driving us nuts by not having the experience we have. 397 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,440 Yes, that is true. 398 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:23,680 So could you share with us a success story, someone that came to you for coaching and 399 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,640 where they were and where they ended up? 400 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:30,640 Well, it's interesting, you know, like I do a lot of relationship coaching and, you know, 401 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,400 people come to me right before they're about to get divorced. 402 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,400 Right. 403 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,680 And, and I haven't had a couple get divorced yet, which is the good news, you know, but, 404 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,200 but it's not just about not getting divorced. 405 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:46,760 Like, you know, it's interesting, you get together with somebody in a relationship and 406 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:53,280 emotionally, something happens where you don't necessarily mature emotionally as much as 407 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,520 somebody who's single. 408 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:55,520 Right. 409 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,360 That's always, that's just always been my experience. 410 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:58,360 Right. 411 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:05,720 And so you use a level of you use the level of skill with that partner that you had when 412 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,480 you got together with them, but to increase your skills while you're in the relationship 413 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:13,560 doesn't usually happen until the wheels are falling off. 414 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:14,560 Right. 415 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,520 And so, you know, a lot of the times when people come to me, like they've been together 416 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:23,720 for 20 years, 30 years, whatever it is, 10 years, who knows, and the wheels are falling 417 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:29,680 off and it's like, they're still have the expectations and they still have the skills 418 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,480 that they got when they got together with this person, but nothing changed. 419 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:38,100 And so, you know, working with people on how do you, how do you have a different level 420 00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:43,880 of skill and a different level of, you know, emotional reasoning much later down the line 421 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,120 is mostly what I work with people on. 422 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:50,880 And so I have this one couple who, oh my God, they were so ready to get divorced and they 423 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:58,920 were literally like wanting me to in the beginning to negotiate the terms of their divorce. 424 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,320 And I said, okay, well, we can start there. 425 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,320 Right. 426 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,760 And we did, we started talking about the terms of their divorce and I would ask them over 427 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:10,120 and over again, you know, if this could be different, what would that look like? 428 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,880 If this could be different, what would that look like? 429 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,480 And you know, three years later, they're still together. 430 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,560 They still come to coaching, you know, every other week or so, and they've learned how 431 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:24,380 to talk to each other in different, in a totally different manner, but they've also learned 432 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:28,280 how to accept each other at this different place in life. 433 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:33,480 Like they both came to the, to the conversation expecting that person to be the way they were 434 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,560 when they met him 30 years ago. 435 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,060 And that's just not what happens in relationships. 436 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:43,420 You grow and you change and you become a different person and, and sometimes it's really easy 437 00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:50,200 to get focused on what the other person isn't doing to avoid dealing with you not being 438 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,100 who you think you should be, you know? 439 00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:59,000 And that's most of the time for me, what I've realized it is when somebody is so focused 440 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:03,960 on what the other person is doing or isn't doing or, you know, how they've hurt me or 441 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:08,520 why they're a victim of them, if I said, you know, if you could take them completely out 442 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:14,340 of the equation, what would you be dealing with that you, you know, that would have nothing 443 00:25:14,340 --> 00:25:15,880 to do with them? 444 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:20,260 All of a sudden they have a different view on life and, and they see things in a completely 445 00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:23,920 different way and they become their own individual. 446 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:28,280 And they get to a place where they're like, oh, it's not about, you know, making that 447 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:33,700 person be who I want them to be or getting them to behave who I want them to behave as, 448 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:37,380 but it's about me being who I'm supposed to be and letting them have the journey that 449 00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:38,800 they're supposed to have. 450 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:44,200 And you know, that's, that's a, that's a hard concept for a lot of people in relationships, 451 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,040 especially if they've been together for a really long time. 452 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,040 That's interesting. 453 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:53,320 I've noticed with every single coach that I've talked to on this podcast, that it all 454 00:25:53,320 --> 00:26:00,720 comes back to identity and finding who you truly are and then living as that person instead 455 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,480 of what other people want you to be or what society wants you to be. 456 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:10,360 So I, I coach people who are not long out of a long-term relationship. 457 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:15,280 And that's what I found with myself when I came out of a 13 year relationship and what 458 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:20,160 I find with my clients as well, that that's, they had a couple identity and now they have 459 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,840 to find their, their own identity. 460 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:25,640 But yeah, no matter what kind of coach I've been talking to, we all seem to be identity 461 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:26,640 coaches. 462 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:27,640 Totally. 463 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:32,240 I mean, cause that's truthfully, I mean, look, there's nothing we can do about anybody else. 464 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:36,520 But if I mean, and that's been my philosophy forever, which is, you know, if I change me, 465 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:41,160 the world around me changes, you know, and you know, I mean, I spent years trying to 466 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:45,720 get people around me to be different and you know, it just made me angry and frustrated 467 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,360 and really awful to be around, you know? 468 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:55,280 And when I realized that, you know, the only person that I can, you know, change anything 469 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,480 about is me, you know, life got a whole lot easier. 470 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,480 That's for sure. 471 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:06,280 If you had to boil your coaching down to a core philosophy, would that be it? 472 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,400 How would you put that? 473 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:15,640 My core philosophy has to do with, you know, nobody else has to change for me to be happy. 474 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,080 That's really what it is. 475 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,640 And so yeah, technically that's, I mean, that's really what it is. 476 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:25,240 Like if nobody else has to change for me to be happy, what do I have to do to make myself 477 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,240 happy? 478 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,240 Right. 479 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,520 And, you know, without stepping on the toes of somebody else, you know, my husband doesn't 480 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:38,000 always like the fact that I have to do the things for my life that I do in order to be 481 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,920 happy because it takes time away from him. 482 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,560 But at the same time, he wouldn't want me to be any different than who I am. 483 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,560 Right. 484 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:51,960 And if he needed, you know, when he gets into a place where he's super needy of me and my 485 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,400 time, it's usually because he's avoiding dealing with something with himself. 486 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,920 And that's been the case every time we've come up against that. 487 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:03,960 It's like, okay, well, if you didn't have me to focus on and you didn't have me to be 488 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,440 the reason all your problems are happening, you know, what would you be focusing on? 489 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,440 What would you what would you do differently? 490 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,580 You know, and then it's amazing. 491 00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:15,880 Like all of a sudden he starts to look at those things. 492 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:20,680 You know, we end up being in a much better place because he's he's dealing with him. 493 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,880 I'm dealing with me and we get to be just together. 494 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:30,440 We don't need to make each other whole by sacrificing ourselves for the other person. 495 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,360 Not that sacrifices in a relationship. 496 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:33,360 It is. 497 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:39,020 But it's not it shouldn't be to the point of, you know, it being destructive to one person 498 00:28:39,020 --> 00:28:40,020 or the other. 499 00:28:40,020 --> 00:28:46,360 Yeah, it sounds to me like the sacrifice is letting go of your your needs from the other 500 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,800 person when when they need something else. 501 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:55,640 It's all about each of you meeting your own needs and then coming together. 502 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:56,640 Yeah. 503 00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:04,400 When I have a need from him, you know, it has to do with, you know, most of the time 504 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:09,080 for me anyway, it has to do with I want you to be the best person that you can be so that 505 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,360 we can have a great life together. 506 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:12,360 Right. 507 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:17,360 So when he's on his game and I'm on my game, you know, nothing can touch us. 508 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,360 Right. 509 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:23,640 But when he's not on his game and wants me to make up for where he's not on his game, 510 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:24,960 that's when it becomes a problem. 511 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:25,960 Right. 512 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,000 Like that's that's codependency. 513 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,640 Yeah, that's right. 514 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:34,960 That's so often when people come to me after they've just come out of a long term relationship, 515 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:39,560 they're looking to jump into a new relationship to make them happy. 516 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:46,920 Yeah, and and and the first thing I have to teach them is that you you don't need someone 517 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,600 else to make you happy. 518 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,320 You don't need the right partner to make you happy. 519 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,800 You need to be happy to find the right partner. 520 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:57,080 A hundred percent, a hundred percent. 521 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,720 And that's, you know, a lot of the people that I work with doing dating stuff and love 522 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,040 relationship stuff like that's what we talk about. 523 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,960 It's like, you know, I always have them draw a picture of exactly, you know, what does 524 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:08,960 your partner look like? 525 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:12,160 What is what is the perfect partner look like for you? 526 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:16,000 You know, and then they write down all of the things that are important to them. 527 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,480 And then I say, are you that person? 528 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,280 Are you that person that you think is a perfect idea? 529 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,840 Because if you're not, you're not going to attract it. 530 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:24,840 Right. 531 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,640 Like you have to know you're going to attract someone else with with the same sorts of problems 532 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:32,880 that you have is what you're going to attract and then it's going to multiply. 533 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,000 Yes, especially if you have children. 534 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,840 So you know, like and that's so the truth. 535 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:39,880 Like water seeks its own level. 536 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:40,880 Right. 537 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:45,240 Like water can't go higher than water where water is supposed to go, where other water 538 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:46,240 is. 539 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:47,240 Right. 540 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,320 So but so water will always seek its own level. 541 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,600 And it's an energy is the same way. 542 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:58,520 Like, you know, if my energy is is off, you know, then I'm going to attract people who 543 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,480 are off in that way. 544 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:05,380 And the great thing about it is even though it increases your chances of getting together 545 00:31:05,380 --> 00:31:12,000 with the right partner when you become whole and happy in yourself as an individual, it 546 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:18,080 doesn't actually matter if you do find them because you're already happy and whole yourself 547 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:19,080 as an individual. 548 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:20,840 So it's a it's a bit not fair. 549 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:25,720 The people who need partners the least are the ones that find the right partners. 550 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,600 Well, and that's what it sounds like. 551 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:29,600 Right. 552 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:30,600 So for sure. 553 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,800 But at the same time, it's it's it is that way. 554 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:37,040 It's you know, when I'm the head when you always hear people say it like when I'm not 555 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,880 looking I wasn't even looking for him and he walked in the door and that's where you've 556 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,080 been together for the rest. 557 00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:45,600 Well, why weren't you looking because you were happy because you were enjoying your 558 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,160 life because you were being who you were supposed to be. 559 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,200 You know, it's kind of the funny part about the dating apps. 560 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:57,000 It's like, you know, everybody on there is desperate to find somebody, even if it's just 561 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,080 for five minutes. 562 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:02,840 So it's already working against itself in some way. 563 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:03,840 Yeah. 564 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:11,660 So what's one piece of wisdom, Quincy, that you consistently find yourself giving to anyone 565 00:32:11,660 --> 00:32:15,320 who will listen or just comes out and conversation all the time? 566 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,120 Oh, God, I don't know. 567 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,240 I mean, that's you know, there's a lot of different things. 568 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:21,800 You know, it depends on the week. 569 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:26,840 Like I realized, realized like there's, you know, like during the depending on what week 570 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,560 it is, like I will talk to different people and it'll seem like they're all having the 571 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,560 same problem in the same week, you know. 572 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:36,160 And so I end up saying the same thing over and over again. 573 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:42,600 And I think a lot of, you know, what I'm hearing about right now has to do with, you know, 574 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:47,480 people, people feeling, you know, everybody I've talked to is people feeling like they 575 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,720 can't they just can't get out of their own way. 576 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:50,720 Right. 577 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:54,000 Like they just can't they can't seem to get to that next place. 578 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,000 Right. 579 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:58,680 And a lot of the things, you know, I say to people a lot is, you know, do you know where 580 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,840 your next place is? 581 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:02,960 And they're like, well, no. 582 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:08,240 And I said, well, if you don't, if you don't have any idea of where your place is, how 583 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:11,280 are you going to know that that's, you know, how are you going to how do you know that 584 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,480 that's what it is you're supposed to do? 585 00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:14,480 Right. 586 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:19,040 And so getting people just to be willing to look at themselves and look at, you know, 587 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:23,320 what do they wish they could do differently right now has been something that I talk about 588 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:24,320 a lot. 589 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,720 And I ask people all the time, what do you wish you could do differently, whether it's 590 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:35,040 a conversation you had with somebody or something you did at work or a decision you made about, 591 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:38,560 you know, the path that you're on, what do you wish you could do differently? 592 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:39,560 Right. 593 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:45,160 And a lot of the times that answer will will really, you know, propel them into the next 594 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,880 level of whatever it is they're supposed to look at. 595 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:51,400 You know, I have a friend this week, this came up last week, I have a friend of mine 596 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:55,840 who, you know, he's dating, he's, you know, out there dating again, and he goes, I keep 597 00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:59,880 dating the same person over and over again, they're always emotionally unavailable, they 598 00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:03,880 always, you know, don't really want to be in a relationship, they just want somebody 599 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,560 to hang out with and be a buddy with, but they don't really want to give anything. 600 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:12,560 And I said, Okay, and I said, and he said, and if I don't find them, then I find the 601 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:17,680 other ones, the ones that are super needy, and super emotionally available, and you know, 602 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:21,180 like want to choke me with how much emotion they have. 603 00:34:21,180 --> 00:34:24,700 And I said, Well, do you know what it is that you're looking for? 604 00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:29,680 And he said, No, I said, Do you know how to recognize these people when they're coming 605 00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:30,800 at you? 606 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,520 He said, I guess not. 607 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:37,560 And I said, Do this, I said, Go write down the top five things all of the last, you know, 608 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:42,160 couple of girls that you dated had in common, and tell me what what they are. 609 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,160 Right. 610 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,460 And it was funny, because I saw him the next day. 611 00:34:45,460 --> 00:34:51,760 And he said, I can't even believe how much just being aware of what those five things 612 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:56,840 were in all those people, like how much awareness that that gave me. 613 00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:57,840 And I said, That's great. 614 00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:01,880 And I said, But the opposite, you know, the opposite is true as well. 615 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:04,880 Like if you don't know what you're looking for, you're not going to find it. 616 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:05,880 Right. 617 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,000 And I said, So you've got to get clear on what it is that's important to you and what 618 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,320 it is that you're looking for so that you can find it right. 619 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,800 And you know, whether it's jobs, whether it's friendships, whether it's dating, whether 620 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:22,120 it's a house, whatever it is, like if you don't know what it is that's important to 621 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,700 you and what you're looking for, you will not find it. 622 00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:28,440 If you don't know what it is that you're looking for, you will not find it. 623 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,360 Well, there's a bit of a wisdom right there. 624 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:31,360 Exactly. 625 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:36,800 I mean, that's, you know, and that's, you know, it sounds really simple or sounds corny. 626 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:41,520 Yeah, it's really it's I mean, it is really that simple. 627 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:45,880 I'm sure he would have thought it sounded simple before he wrote those five things down. 628 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:51,160 And then but seeing it in action is a whole different thing from, you know, hearing it 629 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,160 and going, oh, yeah, that's obvious. 630 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:54,160 Yep. 631 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:55,160 Yep. 632 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,160 Well, that's the thing. 633 00:35:56,160 --> 00:36:01,560 I mean, when people put stuff on paper, it makes stuff really clear. 634 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:06,280 You know, yeah, to do it in your brain, it just picks up steam and, you know, it doesn't 635 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,440 ever get resolved on some level. 636 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:09,440 Yeah. 637 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:14,840 So putting it on paper or or having it in a conversation with a coach, for example. 638 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:19,120 Yeah, really, because the right questions get asked, it doesn't just bounce around 639 00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:22,320 and it becomes yeah, it becomes clear. 640 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:23,320 Yes. 641 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:24,320 Yeah. 642 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:28,240 And and you know, it's funny, because I don't know, I don't know about you, but I wake up 643 00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:30,280 in the middle of the night often, right. 644 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:35,720 And I can solve all of the world's problems between 2am and like 5am. 645 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:38,880 I do some of my greatest thinking in the middle of the night. 646 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:43,640 And it's funny, because if I get up and I write down what I'm thinking about, it's not 647 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:47,840 nearly as much stuff as I think I'm thinking. 648 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:48,840 Right. 649 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,660 Like, it's really just a couple of key thoughts. 650 00:36:50,660 --> 00:36:57,400 But in my brain, it feels so much bigger and so much more important and so much more developed 651 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:00,200 because it just picks up steam as it's in there. 652 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:01,200 Right. 653 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:05,260 But then you go to put it on paper and, you know, it gets boiled down to maybe a couple 654 00:37:05,260 --> 00:37:06,260 of things. 655 00:37:06,260 --> 00:37:07,260 Right. 656 00:37:07,260 --> 00:37:11,880 And that's this that's always been the case for me is that the second I put it on paper, 657 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:17,480 not only does it take, you know, the emotion or the grandiosity out of whatever it is, 658 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:20,120 hey, that I'm thinking about, right. 659 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:24,760 Hey, I have a four pound dog who thinks she's the boss of me. 660 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,760 But there's a dog barking here as well. 661 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:27,760 Oh, wow. 662 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:29,760 Well, they're all they're all barking together. 663 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:34,760 It takes away it takes away the emotion and the grandiosity of the situation. 664 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:35,760 Right. 665 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,680 And all of a sudden, it feels manageable. 666 00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:38,680 Right. 667 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:40,520 It feels like something you can deal with. 668 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:45,700 And you know, that's, you know, one of the biggest problems, I think, with the mental 669 00:37:45,700 --> 00:37:52,760 health crisis right now is that everybody is so, so falling for whatever it is that 670 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,360 their brain is telling them. 671 00:37:54,360 --> 00:38:00,760 And you know, learning how to separate who you are from what your brain does for a living, 672 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:06,280 I like to say, you know, is probably one of the most important skills anybody can teach 673 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:07,280 anybody. 674 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:12,640 And I just heard another little I guess, I guess, I don't know, technique or or a bit 675 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,920 of wisdom or whatever else it is. 676 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,420 But you have a problem, write it down. 677 00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,760 For sure. 678 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:19,760 Write it down. 679 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:20,760 Write it down. 680 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:24,080 And if you still have that problem, then figure out what it is about that problem that's going 681 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,180 on because a lot of time, it just doesn't mean much. 682 00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:30,680 You know, our brain is designed to think that's what it's supposed to think. 683 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:31,680 It's supposed to do. 684 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:36,360 But just because it's having thoughts doesn't mean that those thoughts are true or need 685 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,540 to be paid attention to. 686 00:38:38,540 --> 00:38:42,280 But if you are as big as they feel in your head. 687 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:43,280 Exactly. 688 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,580 But then figure out a way to deal with it. 689 00:38:46,580 --> 00:38:48,640 That is how you deal with it. 690 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:53,320 Not how somebody not not how if somebody else would change something, then then it would 691 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:54,320 be dealt with. 692 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,320 But what can you do? 693 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:57,320 Yeah. 694 00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:58,320 And that's excellent. 695 00:38:58,320 --> 00:38:59,320 Yeah. 696 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:05,520 That's this dog, four pound dog, four pound dog who thinks she's 100 pounds. 697 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:06,520 It's so funny. 698 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:12,040 Dogs are so funny how they they if it's a small dog, it will attack big dogs and think 699 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:13,040 it's a big dog. 700 00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:16,440 And if it's a big dog, it'll try to sit in your lap like it's a little dog. 701 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:17,440 They just don't know their size. 702 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,440 They don't know their size. 703 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:19,440 They don't know time. 704 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,880 They don't know a lot of things. 705 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:24,720 They just keep going. 706 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:25,720 They just keep going. 707 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:26,720 Little girl. 708 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:29,240 So what's the real end result? 709 00:39:29,240 --> 00:39:32,360 What do your clients get from working with you? 710 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:37,400 You know, feeling empowered, feeling like, you know, no matter what comes at them, they 711 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:38,840 can deal with that. 712 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,480 You know, that problems aren't necessarily the end of the game. 713 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:43,480 They're the beginning. 714 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:44,480 Right. 715 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:49,440 And they're really you know, things are just about teaching us how to develop our skills. 716 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:54,240 Like whenever a problem is there's if it's a problem, what did my friend used to say? 717 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,080 If it's a problem, then there's an answer. 718 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:57,080 Right. 719 00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:58,240 There's a solution to it. 720 00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:03,160 But if it's if there's not a solution to the problem, then it's just a fact. 721 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:08,320 And learning how to differentiate between the two is, you know, not always easy for 722 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:13,920 and, you know, but every time there's a problem that's that shows up in your life, it's not 723 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:14,920 game over. 724 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,280 It's, you know, how what do I have to do to solve this problem? 725 00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:24,440 You know, and helping people see that, you know, problems are problems are gifts in disguise 726 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:25,440 most of the time. 727 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:31,200 Well, our brains want humans are problem solving machines. 728 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:35,640 I've noticed that sometimes when I'm like, you know, I'm feeling unsettled, like there's 729 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:38,880 a but I don't know what the problem is or whatever. 730 00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:43,620 Sometimes I'll sit down and play a game or something like a board game. 731 00:40:43,620 --> 00:40:46,640 And it turns out my brain just needed a problem to solve. 732 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:47,640 It didn't have a problem. 733 00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:48,640 Yeah. 734 00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:49,640 So we invent. 735 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:50,640 Yeah. 736 00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:55,560 We can make something up, but just play a game, solve game problem. 737 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:59,160 You know, you don't actually need a real problem to solve. 738 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,960 Your brain wants something to solve. 739 00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,440 Just want something to do. 740 00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:04,440 Yeah. 741 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:10,880 So is there these last two questions are just designed to catch anything that we could have 742 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,640 caught in this conversation that we haven't yet. 743 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,300 So it's OK if the answer is no. 744 00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:20,960 And we've already covered everything, but it's also great if there is an answer to these. 745 00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,440 So first one is, is there anything that we were discussing that you didn't get to say 746 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:30,040 as much as you wanted to because we did go off on a tangent or headed off in a different 747 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:31,040 direction? 748 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:35,080 No, I think we, you know, I think I was pretty succinct on most of it. 749 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:42,720 And is there anything that I didn't even know to bring up Quincy that would be a glaring 750 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:46,400 omission in a survey of the life and work of Quincy? 751 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:49,280 No, my phone just all of a sudden started ringing. 752 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:54,040 No, I mean, I think you got a pretty good overview of what it is that I do and what 753 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:57,120 it's like being with me as a coach. 754 00:41:57,120 --> 00:41:58,120 Excellent. 755 00:41:58,120 --> 00:41:59,120 Yep. 756 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:00,120 Great. 757 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:05,600 Well, the point of this podcast is it's for anyone who wants to listen and glean anything 758 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:11,600 they can on self-development from hearing chats with all different kinds of coaches. 759 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:17,200 It is also for people who are ready for a coach and hear the person that they need in 760 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:20,440 their life to contact them to get started. 761 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:25,760 So for those listeners today who are saying, I need Quincy Wharf in my life to help me 762 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,960 move forward, how do they find you? 763 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:32,860 They can go to quincywharf.com and they can get a hold of me there. 764 00:42:32,860 --> 00:42:36,360 And yeah, and I have all kinds of contact information on there and all kinds of other 765 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,280 stuff that they can reach out to. 766 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,280 So if they're old people like us, they can email you, if they're even older than us, 767 00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:43,280 they can fax you. 768 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:44,280 No, probably not. 769 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:49,520 And if they're young people, they can reach out by messenger or TikTok. 770 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:51,980 There's only one Quincy Wharf that I know of. 771 00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:53,560 So I am on TikTok and Facebook. 772 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:54,560 Oh yeah. 773 00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:55,560 Can you spell that out for us, please? 774 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:56,560 Sure. 775 00:42:56,560 --> 00:43:03,760 Q-U-I-N-C-Y-W-H-O-R-F as in Frank. 776 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:08,200 Is that the same way Wharf on Star Trek spells his name or is it? 777 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:10,040 No, he's W-O-R-F. 778 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,120 Okay. 779 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,960 So Quincy is W-H-O-R-F. 780 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:14,960 Yes. 781 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:15,960 Fantastic. 782 00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:21,360 And if you need to find me, you can find me anytime at jeremywest.net. 783 00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:25,200 And that also lists, there's also a link there to every episode of this podcast. 784 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:29,120 Thank you so much, Quincy, for coming and we'll see you again soon. 785 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,120 Thanks so much, Jeremy. 786 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:31,120 I appreciate it. 787 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:32,120 Take care. 788 00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:51,640 Thanks so much, everyone.