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Hi and welcome back to Tell Me What Happened, the podcast that features folks from all over

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the world.

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I'm your host, Jay Rehat, and like you, I've had my share of childhood experiences.

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Some of them painful, some of them quite pleasant, but I'd like to think that everything that's

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ever happened to me has made me who I am today and I'd like to think it's made me a better

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person.

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Now, that may not be true, but that's what I'd like to think.

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Anyway, Tell Me What Happened is sponsored by Sidelining Publishing, publishers of quality

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books including Susan Salazar's classics I've Got Peace in My Fingers and One Little Act

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of Kindness.

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All right.

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Today I have as my guest, Ellie Moller.

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Ellie is a publishing priestess at Magic Kids.

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She's a writer and an artist.

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She has her own clothing line called Dark Woods and she lives in Salt Spring Island, British

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Columbia.

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Welcome to the show, Ellie.

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Hello.

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Thank you so much.

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Hey, great to have you on the show, Ellie.

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I really appreciate you taking the time.

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I know you're busy.

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Ellie, are you ready to tell your story?

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Oh, I'm ready.

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All right, Ellie, here's what's going to happen.

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I'm going to get out of the way, I'm going to mute myself.

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At the end, after you've told me your story, I'm going to ask you absolutely one question.

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Now one question is this.

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How do you think that what happened to you as a younger person has impacted who you are

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today?

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So take it away, Ellie Moller.

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Thank you.

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So my story, I'll start with just a little bit of backstory.

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When I was 18, I was given the opportunity to go to Denmark to a fine arts school there

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for a couple months.

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And overall, the experience was awesome.

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I got to take dance and drama and band and choir and meditation, all of these amazing

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classes with people from all over the world.

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And it was great.

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But the biggest challenge that I found when I was there was that this school, they fed

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you three meals a day.

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So you got breakfast, you got lunch, you got dinner, that was it.

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And each meal was spaced about five hours apart.

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And as someone who grew up eating when they were hungry, regardless of if it was 12 o'clock

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or five o'clock or whatever that looked like, I found this really challenging.

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And so by the time the next meal came, I was famished.

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I was so hungry that I would eat.

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And then knowing that I wasn't going to get anything for another five hours, I started

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to eat more because I knew I wouldn't get anything.

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And so also keeping in mind that we're in Denmark, their staple foods are delicious

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breads and cheeses and potatoes and meat and pasta.

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Not many green things really hit my plate.

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And I didn't realize, but by the time that I got home, after those two months, I had

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gained about 30 pounds.

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I'm 18, I've gained about 30 pounds.

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I didn't realize though, which is the interesting thing looking back because I had no clue.

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I felt the same for the most part.

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I looked the same.

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I gained weight pretty evenly.

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And it wasn't until a few weeks later that I was back home that we all went for a family

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dinner and had a great dinner.

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At the end of it, my aunt comes up to me and I just distinctly remember her looking into

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my eyes, takes my hand and she goes in front of everyone, hey girl, come on, you can lose

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the weight.

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And it was like the way she looked at me, I just felt like she needed me to take on

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those words.

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And I did, I took those words on, I absorbed them, I became them.

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They were my identity for a very, very long time.

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And unfortunately, that was the start of an eating disorder.

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And I started at the gym the next day, I started running, which if you had known me at that

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point, that would have been the last thing you would expect me to start doing.

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I hated running.

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And I fell into the binge and restrict cycle of an eating disorder.

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And the hardest part was carrying around the shame that I felt.

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I carried it around for the first two years, totally secret.

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For two years, no one knew that this was going on in my life.

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I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

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And I was really determined to fix the problem on my own.

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I ended up designing my life around my body.

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I became a personal trainer, so I could learn everything I possibly could about the body

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and how it worked and how I could alter it and alter mine so that it would be considered

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acceptable.

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I was always trying new diets and new fads.

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And because I lived in that world, nobody thought twice about it because all of my co-workers

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were pretty much doing exactly the same thing.

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And one of the things that I realized was that Western culture really praises us to restrict

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and be dedicated in that way.

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We often say things or hear the words, no pain, no gain, sitter, faster, harder, stronger,

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push, push, push, that kind of thing.

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And despite having a phenomenal support system, I have two parents who loved and supported

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me.

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I had a best friend of 15 years at that time, we're going on 30-something years now.

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I had a boyfriend who loved me, friends.

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I had an entire support system.

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And yet, because society is the way that it is, I didn't feel like I could use them.

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I was stuck in the cycle and I couldn't get out.

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And shortly after two years had gone by, I was gifted a really beautiful opportunity.

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I was working at the gym and we had a life coach who also worked as a part of the gym.

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And back then, life coaching was just emerging.

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So I had no idea what that meant.

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And a lot of other people didn't either because she gifted all of the trainers with a free

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session so that we could learn what life coaching is, what it looked like, what it felt like,

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so that we would be able to recommend it to our clients.

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And so not being someone who will recommend something without trying at first hand myself,

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I booked myself in for an hour session.

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And I remember sitting down and Gainer, her name is Gainer Levinsky, and she asks, you

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know, why was I there?

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And I said, well, I have no idea what life coaching is.

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And I want to be able to recommend it.

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So I'm showing up.

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I'm here to try.

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And she just asked me, what do you want to talk about?

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And those words just opened up a really big doorway for me.

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It was in that moment, that was the first time I verbalized out loud to myself, let alone

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anyone else, that I was bulimic and that I needed help.

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And so we started working together.

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We got curious about myself and my beliefs and values.

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I started to unlearn a whole schwack of things that just weren't serving me anymore.

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And we added a lot of tools to my toolbox of life that at the end of the day taught

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me and continue to remind me that my value doesn't lie in the beliefs or thoughts of

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someone else.

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And I'm now 34.

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And I love my body.

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I feel very at home in it.

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It's been a heck of an epic journey coming back to myself over many, many years.

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But looking back, I wouldn't change it for anything.

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And my love of fitness has just shifted pretty dramatically, mostly in mentality.

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I tend to only move my body in ways that bring me joy and that feel good.

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And now when I'm teaching, I fully encourage that as well.

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So that's my story and thank you for letting me share it.

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Well, I'm going to tell you, I love the story even as it pains me to hear it.

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I love the fact that this life coach, somehow you didn't even know what you were going to

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say at the time, you know, but it just kind of came out of you.

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And you said you articulated it almost for the first time to yourself too.

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It's very powerful.

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I want to get a life coach just based on your conversation, just on that idea.

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But I'm very moved by the story because I mentioned to you that I have friends and family

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members who've experienced some of what you've experienced, certainly not what you've experienced.

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I always say to my guests, I hear you to the extent that I can hear you.

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I have my own issues as we all do.

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And so I can't say, oh, yes, I know exactly how you feel because I don't.

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But yeah, that's really, really, really powerful.

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I'm so glad that, well, I don't know how you're supposed to look, but you look fine.

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You don't look.

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Thank you.

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You don't look unhealthy.

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I can see you.

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That's great.

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So how do you think that what's happened to you back then has impacted who you are today?

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I know you said that you have a deeper understanding of an exercise and everything else.

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You don't do anything that's going to cause you pain or whatever.

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But how do you think it's impacted who you are today, that experience?

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I'm going to drill right down to the being 18 and now you're 34.

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So how does it impact who you are today?

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Absolutely.

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I think the biggest takeaway for me is learning the power of words.

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You know, sometimes we think of magic and we think of like Harry Potter and transforming

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things from one thing to another, shapeshifting or being invisible, flying.

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But we have everyday power in casting spells.

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And I guess what I mean by that is everything that we say, whether that's out loud or internally

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to ourselves or to everyone around us, the words that you say, cast spells.

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And we sometimes forget how easily we can cast a spell without realizing the effects on others.

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And I guess another part that goes hand in hand with that is throughout this experience,

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I've learned what I think is the true meaning of the word forgiveness.

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I used to think that was something you did for someone else, which in turn eased your

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inner pain.

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But now I really believe that true forgiveness, at least for me, is being able to think and

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feel gratitude towards the entire experience, like wholeheartedly.

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And I do.

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I've never once talked to my aunt about it.

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And I don't need to.

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The rest of, you know, I don't need to, I don't feel anything negative towards her.

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We talk, you know, all of that kind of thing.

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But forgiveness was something that I needed to do for me.

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And of course, the more I've learned, I learned that that comment wasn't ever about me.

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It's never personal, it's never about you.

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She was going through her own things.

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And that just happened to come out the way that it did.

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But the power of words, you never know what that'll look like.

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So being mindful is really key.

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Well, I think that's brilliant.

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Honestly, I love the idea that everything you say can cast a spell or does cast a spell.

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I was a school teacher for 36 years.

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And students would come to me years later and say, I remember when you said this, and

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I go, I don't even remember saying that, you know, but there was hopefully most of the time

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it was positive words that I'd said to them that wasn't like, I remember you told me some

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terrible thing.

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But that idea of casting a spell, it really does resonate with me.

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I'm a little bit of a writer and all that.

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And I guess a podcaster too.

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So I do understand to me, I do believe in the power of words.

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Your aunt, I just want to mention to you, I mean, what you said is brilliant.

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Everything was brilliant.

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But I just have to tell you, there is a chance that your aunt's going to hear this podcast.

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I know you may not think that because it's not, we do it worldwide audience, but you

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know, it's not huge, but you may wind up, she may wind up hearing this and I'm hopeful

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that it will be a beautiful moment when you talk with her about it.

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You know, you've already talked about forgiveness, but also about the notion of learning, right?

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That you actually, you're thankful for the experience in its way.

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I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through it, but.

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Yeah, I'm not.

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You know, it's one of these things where I wouldn't be who I am without this experience.

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And with all of the, I don't know, these days, everyone's throwing around the word trauma.

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And it's just, it's just one of those lessons where you're not your trauma.

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You are if you identify with it, but you're not your trauma.

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It's just a situation that happened and you get to be whatever you want after that.

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So it's magic.

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I love it.

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I could see why you're actually the high priestess.

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You're probably showing up because you got great wisdom and not only have great wisdom,

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but got a great spirit relative to all this.

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You know, I think that there's, I understand it too.

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I mean, I've been learning it myself.

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I've been going through, you know, like a therapy of going back into my childhood and

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sort of digging into the, my storyline, you know, how, why I am who I am.

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That's what the podcast is about too.

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But you're really, really resonating with me.

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I'm really glad that you came on the show.

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You're providing not only me insights, but I'm saying my listeners will, many of them

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will really identify.

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And even if, you know, forget about eating, there's a million different elements to what

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you're talking about, which is a larger issue of somebody saying anything to you and you

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sort of carrying it, maybe when you shouldn't or carrying it.

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And you have to sort of rethink it or reimagine what the person is saying and understanding

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that things come out sideways, et cetera.

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But thank you so much for coming on the show, Ellie.

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We really, really appreciate it.

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Thank you, Jay.

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Thank you for letting me share my story that felt incredible.

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Well, it was brilliant.

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It was insightful.

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Yeah, I'm hoping that some of my younger listeners, I guess older ones too, but hear this and

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understand where you're coming from because it's great to see you on the other side of

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it.

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Sorry that you experienced it, but again, you're not that way.

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So I'm going to stop talking like that, but that's my language, not yours.

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All right.

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I'd like to thank my guests, Ellie Mahler, for coming on the show and telling us that

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powerful, beautiful poignant story that resonates with me, even though I have other issues and

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not those, but that resonate.

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So until next time, this is Jay Reac asking you all to please stay safe and try not to

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hurt anybody.