Hi and welcome back to Tell Me What Happened, the podcast that features folks from all over
the world.
I'm your host, Jay Rehat, and like you, I've had my share of childhood experiences.
Some of them painful, some of them quite pleasant, but I'd like to think that everything that's
ever happened to me has made me who I am today and I'd like to think it's made me a better
person.
Now, that may not be true, but that's what I'd like to think.
Anyway, Tell Me What Happened is sponsored by Sidelining Publishing, publishers of quality
books including Susan Salazar's classics I've Got Peace in My Fingers and One Little Act
of Kindness.
All right.
Today I have as my guest, Ellie Moller.
Ellie is a publishing priestess at Magic Kids.
She's a writer and an artist.
She has her own clothing line called Dark Woods and she lives in Salt Spring Island, British
Columbia.
Welcome to the show, Ellie.
Hello.
Thank you so much.
Hey, great to have you on the show, Ellie.
I really appreciate you taking the time.
I know you're busy.
Ellie, are you ready to tell your story?
Oh, I'm ready.
All right, Ellie, here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to get out of the way, I'm going to mute myself.
At the end, after you've told me your story, I'm going to ask you absolutely one question.
Now one question is this.
How do you think that what happened to you as a younger person has impacted who you are
today?
So take it away, Ellie Moller.
Thank you.
So my story, I'll start with just a little bit of backstory.
When I was 18, I was given the opportunity to go to Denmark to a fine arts school there
for a couple months.
And overall, the experience was awesome.
I got to take dance and drama and band and choir and meditation, all of these amazing
classes with people from all over the world.
And it was great.
But the biggest challenge that I found when I was there was that this school, they fed
you three meals a day.
So you got breakfast, you got lunch, you got dinner, that was it.
And each meal was spaced about five hours apart.
And as someone who grew up eating when they were hungry, regardless of if it was 12 o'clock
or five o'clock or whatever that looked like, I found this really challenging.
And so by the time the next meal came, I was famished.
I was so hungry that I would eat.
And then knowing that I wasn't going to get anything for another five hours, I started
to eat more because I knew I wouldn't get anything.
And so also keeping in mind that we're in Denmark, their staple foods are delicious
breads and cheeses and potatoes and meat and pasta.
Not many green things really hit my plate.
And I didn't realize, but by the time that I got home, after those two months, I had
gained about 30 pounds.
I'm 18, I've gained about 30 pounds.
I didn't realize though, which is the interesting thing looking back because I had no clue.
I felt the same for the most part.
I looked the same.
I gained weight pretty evenly.
And it wasn't until a few weeks later that I was back home that we all went for a family
dinner and had a great dinner.
At the end of it, my aunt comes up to me and I just distinctly remember her looking into
my eyes, takes my hand and she goes in front of everyone, hey girl, come on, you can lose
the weight.
And it was like the way she looked at me, I just felt like she needed me to take on
those words.
And I did, I took those words on, I absorbed them, I became them.
They were my identity for a very, very long time.
And unfortunately, that was the start of an eating disorder.
And I started at the gym the next day, I started running, which if you had known me at that
point, that would have been the last thing you would expect me to start doing.
I hated running.
And I fell into the binge and restrict cycle of an eating disorder.
And the hardest part was carrying around the shame that I felt.
I carried it around for the first two years, totally secret.
For two years, no one knew that this was going on in my life.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone.
And I was really determined to fix the problem on my own.
I ended up designing my life around my body.
I became a personal trainer, so I could learn everything I possibly could about the body
and how it worked and how I could alter it and alter mine so that it would be considered
acceptable.
I was always trying new diets and new fads.
And because I lived in that world, nobody thought twice about it because all of my co-workers
were pretty much doing exactly the same thing.
And one of the things that I realized was that Western culture really praises us to restrict
and be dedicated in that way.
We often say things or hear the words, no pain, no gain, sitter, faster, harder, stronger,
push, push, push, that kind of thing.
And despite having a phenomenal support system, I have two parents who loved and supported
me.
I had a best friend of 15 years at that time, we're going on 30-something years now.
I had a boyfriend who loved me, friends.
I had an entire support system.
And yet, because society is the way that it is, I didn't feel like I could use them.
I was stuck in the cycle and I couldn't get out.
And shortly after two years had gone by, I was gifted a really beautiful opportunity.
I was working at the gym and we had a life coach who also worked as a part of the gym.
And back then, life coaching was just emerging.
So I had no idea what that meant.
And a lot of other people didn't either because she gifted all of the trainers with a free
session so that we could learn what life coaching is, what it looked like, what it felt like,
so that we would be able to recommend it to our clients.
And so not being someone who will recommend something without trying at first hand myself,
I booked myself in for an hour session.
And I remember sitting down and Gainer, her name is Gainer Levinsky, and she asks, you
know, why was I there?
And I said, well, I have no idea what life coaching is.
And I want to be able to recommend it.
So I'm showing up.
I'm here to try.
And she just asked me, what do you want to talk about?
And those words just opened up a really big doorway for me.
It was in that moment, that was the first time I verbalized out loud to myself, let alone
anyone else, that I was bulimic and that I needed help.
And so we started working together.
We got curious about myself and my beliefs and values.
I started to unlearn a whole schwack of things that just weren't serving me anymore.
And we added a lot of tools to my toolbox of life that at the end of the day taught
me and continue to remind me that my value doesn't lie in the beliefs or thoughts of
someone else.
And I'm now 34.
And I love my body.
I feel very at home in it.
It's been a heck of an epic journey coming back to myself over many, many years.
But looking back, I wouldn't change it for anything.
And my love of fitness has just shifted pretty dramatically, mostly in mentality.
I tend to only move my body in ways that bring me joy and that feel good.
And now when I'm teaching, I fully encourage that as well.
So that's my story and thank you for letting me share it.
Well, I'm going to tell you, I love the story even as it pains me to hear it.
I love the fact that this life coach, somehow you didn't even know what you were going to
say at the time, you know, but it just kind of came out of you.
And you said you articulated it almost for the first time to yourself too.
It's very powerful.
I want to get a life coach just based on your conversation, just on that idea.
But I'm very moved by the story because I mentioned to you that I have friends and family
members who've experienced some of what you've experienced, certainly not what you've experienced.
I always say to my guests, I hear you to the extent that I can hear you.
I have my own issues as we all do.
And so I can't say, oh, yes, I know exactly how you feel because I don't.
But yeah, that's really, really, really powerful.
I'm so glad that, well, I don't know how you're supposed to look, but you look fine.
You don't look.
Thank you.
You don't look unhealthy.
I can see you.
That's great.
So how do you think that what's happened to you back then has impacted who you are today?
I know you said that you have a deeper understanding of an exercise and everything else.
You don't do anything that's going to cause you pain or whatever.
But how do you think it's impacted who you are today, that experience?
I'm going to drill right down to the being 18 and now you're 34.
So how does it impact who you are today?
Absolutely.
I think the biggest takeaway for me is learning the power of words.
You know, sometimes we think of magic and we think of like Harry Potter and transforming
things from one thing to another, shapeshifting or being invisible, flying.
But we have everyday power in casting spells.
And I guess what I mean by that is everything that we say, whether that's out loud or internally
to ourselves or to everyone around us, the words that you say, cast spells.
And we sometimes forget how easily we can cast a spell without realizing the effects on others.
And I guess another part that goes hand in hand with that is throughout this experience,
I've learned what I think is the true meaning of the word forgiveness.
I used to think that was something you did for someone else, which in turn eased your
inner pain.
But now I really believe that true forgiveness, at least for me, is being able to think and
feel gratitude towards the entire experience, like wholeheartedly.
And I do.
I've never once talked to my aunt about it.
And I don't need to.
The rest of, you know, I don't need to, I don't feel anything negative towards her.
We talk, you know, all of that kind of thing.
But forgiveness was something that I needed to do for me.
And of course, the more I've learned, I learned that that comment wasn't ever about me.
It's never personal, it's never about you.
She was going through her own things.
And that just happened to come out the way that it did.
But the power of words, you never know what that'll look like.
So being mindful is really key.
Well, I think that's brilliant.
Honestly, I love the idea that everything you say can cast a spell or does cast a spell.
I was a school teacher for 36 years.
And students would come to me years later and say, I remember when you said this, and
I go, I don't even remember saying that, you know, but there was hopefully most of the time
it was positive words that I'd said to them that wasn't like, I remember you told me some
terrible thing.
But that idea of casting a spell, it really does resonate with me.
I'm a little bit of a writer and all that.
And I guess a podcaster too.
So I do understand to me, I do believe in the power of words.
Your aunt, I just want to mention to you, I mean, what you said is brilliant.
Everything was brilliant.
But I just have to tell you, there is a chance that your aunt's going to hear this podcast.
I know you may not think that because it's not, we do it worldwide audience, but you
know, it's not huge, but you may wind up, she may wind up hearing this and I'm hopeful
that it will be a beautiful moment when you talk with her about it.
You know, you've already talked about forgiveness, but also about the notion of learning, right?
That you actually, you're thankful for the experience in its way.
I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through it, but.
Yeah, I'm not.
You know, it's one of these things where I wouldn't be who I am without this experience.
And with all of the, I don't know, these days, everyone's throwing around the word trauma.
And it's just, it's just one of those lessons where you're not your trauma.
You are if you identify with it, but you're not your trauma.
It's just a situation that happened and you get to be whatever you want after that.
So it's magic.
I love it.
I could see why you're actually the high priestess.
You're probably showing up because you got great wisdom and not only have great wisdom,
but got a great spirit relative to all this.
You know, I think that there's, I understand it too.
I mean, I've been learning it myself.
I've been going through, you know, like a therapy of going back into my childhood and
sort of digging into the, my storyline, you know, how, why I am who I am.
That's what the podcast is about too.
But you're really, really resonating with me.
I'm really glad that you came on the show.
You're providing not only me insights, but I'm saying my listeners will, many of them
will really identify.
And even if, you know, forget about eating, there's a million different elements to what
you're talking about, which is a larger issue of somebody saying anything to you and you
sort of carrying it, maybe when you shouldn't or carrying it.
And you have to sort of rethink it or reimagine what the person is saying and understanding
that things come out sideways, et cetera.
But thank you so much for coming on the show, Ellie.
We really, really appreciate it.
Thank you, Jay.
Thank you for letting me share my story that felt incredible.
Well, it was brilliant.
It was insightful.
Yeah, I'm hoping that some of my younger listeners, I guess older ones too, but hear this and
understand where you're coming from because it's great to see you on the other side of
it.
Sorry that you experienced it, but again, you're not that way.
So I'm going to stop talking like that, but that's my language, not yours.
All right.
I'd like to thank my guests, Ellie Mahler, for coming on the show and telling us that
powerful, beautiful poignant story that resonates with me, even though I have other issues and
not those, but that resonate.
So until next time, this is Jay Reac asking you all to please stay safe and try not to
hurt anybody.