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Hi and welcome back to Tell Me What Happened.

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The podcast that features folks from all walks of life telling us one true story, one experience,

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one childhood event that's impacted who they are today.

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I'm your host, Jay Rehak, and like you, I've had my share of childhood experiences that

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have been eventful, impacted my life in dramatic ways and subtle ways.

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And as my listeners know, I always say I try, I imagine that everything that's ever happened

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to me has made me a better person.

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I know many of my friends say that's not true.

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But that's what I'd like to think.

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It gives me a certain sense of optimism.

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Before I go any further, I'd like to also mention that I just uploaded onto YouTube all

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62 of my current podcast.

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That's three seasons plus the beginning of season four.

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We're now in season four.

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My guest today will be actually my fourth guest for season four.

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And I'm very excited because people seem to be listening through YouTube as well.

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Anyway, Tell Me What Happened is sponsored by Sidelining Publishing, publishers of quality

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books including Susan Salador's classics.

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I've got peace in my fingers and one little act of kindness available anywhere where great

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children's books are sold.

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All right, today I have as my guest, Allie McRaeff.

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Allie is a longtime friend of the family and she's a fellow Chicago native.

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She currently works in Democratic politics and is nomadic.

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She's probably on a beach somewhere right now.

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Welcome to the show, Allie McRaeff.

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Hello.

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I am in fact not on a beach today, but hopefully soon.

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Oh, I'm so sad.

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I mean, I know your life a little bit and I know that every time I talk to you, almost

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every time I talk to you, you're in another country.

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And it's amazing.

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But you are currently in Chicago, is that right?

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I am currently in Chicago, yes.

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All right.

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Well, it's raining right now, but who knows what it'll be like in October when this airs.

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But that's not the point.

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The point of the story is, is that you do have a story to tell.

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I've been lucky enough to get you on the show.

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Actually my daughter invited you a while ago and it just finally happened and it's sort

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of one of my personal philosophies that everything happens in its time.

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So I'm really honored that you take the time.

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I know you're a busy person and I actually know also a little bit about your story,

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but I'm going to leave that to you right now.

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I'm going to mute myself at the end.

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I'll come back and ask you absolutely one question and that one question is this.

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How do you think that the story that you're telling me has impacted who you are today?

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So take it away, Allie McGrath.

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All right.

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Suddenly, I'm so nervous.

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Well, yeah, when I'm thinking back over my childhood and being back in Chicago makes

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me really reflective.

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We're recording this in September, which is actually the month that my mom died.

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And so obviously I've been thinking a lot about her this month.

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And when people find out that she had cancer for 20 years of my childhood, nearly 20 years,

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a common follow-up question is, did I know she was dying or did I know how sick she was?

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And sometimes I'm like, I don't know.

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And other times I think back to, so I'm the oldest of three kids and I was determined

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to get out of town, to get out of Dodge.

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I went to Portland, Oregon for school, which was pretty far from Chicago.

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And I was home one winter break, laying in my mom's bed watching her get ready for some

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event like I love to do for my entire life.

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And she was having a really hard time getting dressed, which happens to the best of us when

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you hate all of your clothes.

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And these were some of my favorite moments with my mom.

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Even just because I idolized her and I could love, I loved rifling through her closet with

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her, trying on clothes.

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It was like, you know, a little girl's dream of dress up.

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Now this little girl was about 19, so I was still playing dress up with my mom.

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But I was just laying in bed and she was trying on shirt after shirt and hated everything

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that she was putting on.

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And finally I was like, mom, they all look great.

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What, like, what's wrong?

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What's going on?

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And she had a port for chemotherapy right under her collarbone, which for those who

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may not know, it's just like an intravenous port so that every time she has to get chemo,

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she didn't have to get it in her like arm basically and kind of ruin those veins.

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So it was easier.

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It was under a little flap of skin.

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And it was like a plastic port, literally, that opened up and let the chemo drugs in.

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I guess there's a big vein there.

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And for being around chemo and cancer for 20 years, I probably should know more, but

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I'm not a doctor.

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And that is all I know.

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And she was just like, I hate this ugly thing.

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I do not want this to show.

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And it was, I would never have told her this, but it was a little bit gruesome.

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It was bruised.

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Every time it got opened up, it was, you know, I mean, it looked like a scar and it was a

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literal battle wound of her many years.

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And I said something really flippantly to make her feel better.

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Just sort of like, well, you'll get it taken out one day.

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Like it, you know, it'll, you, when you're done with chemo, you'll get it taken out

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one day.

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And she, she came over and sat on the bed and looked me in the eyes and said, oh, Ali,

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I'm never getting it taken out.

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And I was like, very confused because I was like, so you're, you're never going to be

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recovered.

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You're never going to be off chemo.

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And she said kind of all of it, right?

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She was never going to be in remission anymore.

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Remission was not the goal.

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A stable prognosis was the goal.

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And that was the really the first time.

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And now we had had a remission party when I was in second grade.

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It came back when I was in high school.

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She lost her hair again.

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She lost her hair when I was in college.

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So really cancer was the backdrop of my childhood, but she never made it feel that way.

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And this night, I think was why it was really, I mean, I burst into tears instantly because

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it really was this sense of mortality and doom over, over my life in a way that I hadn't

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really felt ever before.

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And I don't, I wish I could remember the exact year it was.

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I think I was 19 or 20, but that was the first time I think I truly realized that for however

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long my life, my mom's life was going to be from that point on, it was going to be with

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cancer in whatever way that cancer would allow her to live.

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And some years it allowed her to live a really full life and not spend a lot of it in hospitals.

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Other years, that wasn't the case.

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And yeah, something that became such an innocuous comment really, really changed my whole mindset

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around the rest of my mom's life.

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And Jay, I think that's my story.

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Yeah, it's a sad story.

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I got to pull myself together for a second here because actually, I knew your family a

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little bit.

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I did not know that your mother suffered for so, so long.

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And one of the reasons that I mute myself when I hear your story or I hear one of my,

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one of my guests, when I hear one of my guests tell the story, I mute myself because I get

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flashes in my own mind of experiences that I had.

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And everybody's unique.

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And I warn you that that moment when you realize what was going on, my mother suffered from

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cancer for 17 years.

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She told me, she said many years before she died, she said, I'll never make it to 65.

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And she died one day before she turned 65.

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But that's not my story.

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I mean, it's not the story of the story.

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It's the moment that you recognize.

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Well, I shouldn't say that.

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How do you think, Allie, that that moment, the story that you just told impacted who

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you are today.

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And I also am going to have to ask you how much longer, how, how, how, how much longer

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did your mother live beyond that?

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She lived about four more years after that.

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Never not on chemo, never not pretty sick.

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The last two years, I would say she was pretty sick and her quality of life was not great.

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You know, I've been thinking about the ways it impacted my life this month, especially

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grief is heavy.

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Her birthday was a few days ago.

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So I was thinking a lot about her.

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She would have turned 60 years old.

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And you know, so I obviously, she told me that and I went back to college because what was

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I supposed to do?

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And I remember my dad drove me to the airport and I'm sobbing, like bawling my eyes out

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and something he told me from every time I left the house for a long period of time,

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like I studied abroad or I went to school or whatever.

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He was like, I will always tell you if something happens with mom's health because he knew

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that my mom would not maybe be as forthcoming if I'm studying abroad.

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You know, she doesn't want me to come home because she's sick, which was such a selfless

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gift she gave me, but it also gave me a lot of guilt and fear every time I left.

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So I went back to school, kind of, you know, didn't think anything of it graduated a year

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later, was went back abroad and got a call from my dad when I was abroad that, that my

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mom was pretty sick and that the doctors had started to give a timeline to how much longer

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she might live.

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And I pretty instantly said, okay, then I'm coming home because Italy will be here.

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I was picking olives on a farm in Italy, which sounds very fun.

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It was very fun.

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But guess what?

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There was an olive oil harvest every year.

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Yes.

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And I just decided to come home and she died 18 months later and they had said she would

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have about three to five years and she had way less than that.

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And my siblings didn't decide to come home.

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No one told me to come home.

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I just knew that I really needed to be home.

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I needed to be with my mom.

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And then it felt really hard to leave again.

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I felt really stuck here because I was 24 and so sad and had just lost my mom.

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And the pandemic happened and I just felt so claustrophobic and I, my lease was up in

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2021 and I just knew I had to get the fuck out of Dodge again.

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But this time there was no sick mom that might pull me home.

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But that had kind of become my anchor.

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Like she was my anchor coming home to see her was my anchor.

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And so the last two and a half years of being fully nomadic, my dad sold our childhood home.

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Have really, I've just had to dig super, super deep, which isn't, it's such a cliche, but

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I've had to find that kind of home within me.

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I've had to find that, you know, all the kind of woo woo dialogue about the inner child,

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parenting your inner child because I don't have that maternal figure sort of always checking

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up on me.

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But I think it has made me really appreciate being able to travel freely like this when

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I couldn't for a while.

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And I had this sense of wonderlust that I couldn't always lean into because, you know,

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my mom was so sick and I would never have told her that she would have been so sad to

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hear that I was changing the way that I was living my life.

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And I just know that somewhere, and I don't think I'm articulating it the best here, but

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some way somehow the grief and losing my mom have really shaped the choices I've made to

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be nomadic, whether it's a freedom or a escape.

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And some days it's both, some days it's one, some days it's the other.

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But yeah, being in Chicago when the grief feels really heavy like this on anniversaries

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is really tough.

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So I'm leaving town next month and I'm really excited.

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Hopefully in search of better weather as we were talking about at the beginning, but also

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just in search of kind of finding new connections, meeting new friends, living life to the fullest

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while I'm healthy enough to be able to do that because my mom wanted to travel a lot

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more than she was able to.

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So yeah, I think those are just some of the some of the little ways it's impacted me,

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but I'm sure there are many more that I'm not even aware of yet.

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Each year I find a new one or a few new ones.

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Yeah, well that's well said.

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I mean, I guess that, Ali, I've known you for a number of years and I always think of

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you as someone who's someplace else.

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And it sounds harsh, but I don't mean it like that.

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Oh, it's true.

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Like, where is she today?

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I'll ask my daughter, Hannah, as a good friend of yours.

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And I'll say, Ali McRaeff, where's she right now?

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And then usually it's some other country.

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And when you're in town, I'm always a little surprised like, well, how long she year for

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and then Hannah will say to me, I don't know.

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But I think it does seem that your mother's illness, especially all those years as a young

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woman for yourself, a child for yourself and I'm like that.

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You sort of, like you said, in some ways, maybe you do it for your mother.

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Maybe in some ways you do it to get away from all of the memories of Chicago because I'm

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sure you can't really go anywhere locally without some sort of a memory or wherever.

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Just where my mother and I were.

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And I'm sorry your mom didn't get a chance to travel as much as she would have liked.

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Also the fact that she died so young is, yeah, is a real tragedy for everybody I know, but

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especially a daughter.

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I mean, and a son, a son, a husband as well.

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I don't mean to minimize it for your dad or anybody else, but knowing you, I can't imagine.

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Well, again, I, yeah, my experience was different.

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My mother got sick when I was 16 and she died when I was 33 or whatever, but 17 years of

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close to, you know, passing to resurrection and thinking maybe this is going to work out.

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And your mom telling you at that moment, it was a very real moment that I'm sure shook

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the foundation of the idea that, oh, we're going to get through it somehow.

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Some way we're going to get through this.

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Well the last thing she said to me in the hospital was I'm not going to die here.

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So she didn't want to.

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And I know she was fighting and she fought a long time.

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She fought a long time.

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So if I can honor her legacy by leaving or being here either way, I hope I'm doing her

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proud some way.

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Well, I think you are just in the sense that, like I said, every time I talk to you, you

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seem to be living quite, quite well.

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I mean, in the sense of, you know, your activities, your actions, you're not laying around moping

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or whatever.

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It seems like you're very, very active, but well, I want to thank you for being on the

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show, telling your story resonates with me.

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I'm sure it's going to resonate with thousands of other people and I always tell everybody

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your story is unique.

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I don't mean to suggest that I in any way fully understand what you've been through,

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but I have a taste of it, a sense of it, I should say.

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And I'm sorry for your loss and your family's loss.

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Thanks, Jay.

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You too.

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All right.

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Well, that's our show.

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Again, thank you, Allie McGrath, for telling us that very deeply personal story.

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Thank our sponsors.

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So until next time, this is Jay Rehack, asking you all to please stay safe out there and

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try not to hurt anybody.

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Tell me what happened to you.