1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Pull up a chair and tell me your memory Why does it matter to you? 2 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:31,000 I want to hear your story, your point of view Tell me what happened to you 3 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:37,000 Hi and welcome back to Tell Me What Happened, the podcast that features folks from all walks of life 4 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:45,000 telling us one true childhood event and how that moment, that experience has impacted who they are today 5 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:51,000 I'm your host Jay Rehak and like you I've had my share of childhood experiences 6 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,000 Some of them quite painful and some of them quite beautiful 7 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:59,000 But I'd like to think that everything that's ever happened to me has made me a better person 8 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,000 Now that might not be true, but that's what I'd like to think 9 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:09,000 Tell me what happened is sponsored by Side Line Ink Publishing, publishers of quality books 10 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:16,000 including Susan Salador's classic I've Got Peace in My Fingers and One the Lact of Kindness 11 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:20,000 Both of them are available wherever quality books are sold 12 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:29,000 Alright, today I have as my guest a very special person, a person I've known since the moment she was born 13 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:34,000 One of my favorite people in the entire world, Hannah Rehak 14 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:39,000 Hannah is a comedian, a podcaster and a writer from Chicago 15 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,000 And she's also my daughter 16 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,000 Welcome to the show, Hannah Rehak 17 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,000 Hi Dad, hello 18 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:54,000 Hannah, I won't call you bud which is my nickname for you 19 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,000 Alright Hannah, are you ready to tell your story? 20 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,000 Yeah 21 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,000 Alright, I'm going to get out of the way 22 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,000 And at the end I'm going to ask you absolutely one question 23 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,000 And that one question is this 24 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:11,000 How do you think what you're telling me or what you told me has impacted who you are as an adult? 25 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:15,000 So I'm going to meet myself, take it away, Hannah Rehak 26 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:19,000 So I was thinking really hard about what story I should tell 27 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:24,000 Because you actually know most of my stories, even my fairly traumatic or upsetting ones 28 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,000 Or you know some of the good ones too 29 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,000 This is a story that I've never told because it's one that I like barely count as a story 30 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,000 So I hope I don't break your form right now by giving you the details I remember 31 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:40,000 But I have this memory that I thought I would share which is that 32 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,000 I went to Sleep Away summer camp two summers of my life 33 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,000 The first time for a week and the second time for two weeks 34 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:51,000 So the first summer is the summer during which this story takes place 35 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:57,000 And it's kind of a classic tale of making fast and intense friendships 36 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,000 As is the case for so many people who go to summer camp 37 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,000 You know you get thrown into this really intense dynamic and it becomes your whole life 38 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:10,000 And I've always been somebody who's pretty prone to that kind of lifestyle 39 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:16,000 Like I really enjoy whatever, theater productions where your cast becomes your family 40 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:20,000 Or again like summer camp where suddenly that's your whole life 41 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,000 I think there are some people who don't like that kind of thing 42 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:27,000 But I've always really liked it and this is one of my first memories of that kind of situation 43 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:31,000 Where it's like we're all in a cabin, you meet these new people and they become your best friends 44 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:35,000 For what I now realize is only like five days because it's summer camp so it's not even a full week 45 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:40,000 And while I was there I think I was around the age of 11 46 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:44,000 I think it was around my you know not quite teen years 47 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:48,000 That I went to this summer camp called Camp McClain 48 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:52,000 And I met this girl in my cabin and I don't remember her name 49 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,000 Which is why I was like is this even a story? 50 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,000 And I was like okay no but the details that matter I remember 51 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,000 But let's call her Amanda 52 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:06,000 And while I was there for that week I just remember her becoming like my best and dearest friend 53 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,000 Which is funny to think about now because again it was only five days 54 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,000 But she was really funny and interesting 55 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:17,000 And I had gone to summer camp with a friend of my name Sarah, you know dad 56 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:22,000 I already had a buddy but I love making new friends and I just remember that being a dynamic 57 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,000 That I was there with a good friend but I was also making this new friend 58 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,000 And we just again hit it off I think because I thought she was funny and smart 59 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:33,000 And the reason this is a story at all rather than just an anecdote of 60 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:37,000 Okay you made a friend at summer camp is that she was Mormon 61 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:43,000 And I famously you raised your children in her faith I grew up in her faith 62 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:49,000 And I think that pre-teens it's like the first what do I want to say 63 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:54,000 I think summer camp is one of those first experiences for some kids myself included 64 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:59,000 Where like you have to present yourself to strangers without your family or any community 65 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,000 Like you decide what you're gonna share because there's no shared context 66 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:06,000 So it's not like going back to your school going back to in art class whatever 67 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:11,000 So I just remember it being front and center that this girl was a Mormon 68 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:17,000 And she was somewhat evangelical in a way that sort of revealed itself in my head late in the game 69 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000 Where I was oh no my best friend is cross-slip tithing to me 70 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,000 I'm sure I was only like the second day or something 71 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:30,000 But we talked about religion and I just have these vague memories of us getting into almost political discussions 72 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:35,000 Again it's like we don't really have the language for it we were 11 but we were talking about God and heaven and hell 73 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,000 And what it meant that I had a Jewish mom I remember that being hard for her to wrap her head around 74 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,000 And just this early confrontation of oh we really like each other 75 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:48,000 But she definitely didn't have a way to understand me and I was I think more familiar with the idea that 76 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:53,000 She was a religious person because I grew up around plenty of people who were only raised in one faith tradition 77 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000 But I think I confounded her but she really liked me 78 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:03,000 But we got into a discussion I don't know when in the week I'm gonna say midweek where 79 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:08,000 We were talking about gay people and I just remember using that phrase gay people 80 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:18,000 And she suggested that they go to hell and it was really upsetting to me because I was thankfully not raised with that belief in any way 81 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:25,000 And it was really jarring to me that my new friend who I thought was really cool believed that some people would go to hell 82 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:36,000 And I'm queer person who came out so to speak at the age of 22, 21, 22 83 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:44,000 So it would be like another 10 years before I started owning that part of myself I guess openly and formally 84 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:50,000 But I always had a sense that I could be queer and I would use the word I remember at the time like lesbian 85 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:55,000 Like I would have moments of being like am I a lesbian and I remember saying that to my sister Hope 86 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,000 And her being like well if you are you are and it's okay and we all love you and it's fine 87 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:05,000 And I feel so grateful for that that that was the response to that question 88 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:11,000 But I remember talking to this friend of mine and that being sort of the inner monologue of oh no what if I am gay 89 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:20,000 And she finds out and she thinks I'm going to hell but I don't think I'm going to hell but I did feel sad thinking that she maybe thought that about me 90 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:27,000 Anyway it became this wedge in our newfound best friendship over the course of just a couple of days 91 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:35,000 But we talked a lot about it where I remember just talking a lot with her of like I don't think that it's a sin to love people you love 92 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:40,000 And that's not my experience and I think it blew her head off that I had parents who didn't think that way 93 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:50,000 I think it was sort of radical for her and she was really kind and loving in her processing with me about this 94 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:56,000 It was almost like I'm putting my adult lens on it now already but in my memory of it she didn't want to think people went to hell 95 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:01,000 That was the feeling I got from her but it was so ingrained in her already at this young age 96 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:06,000 And we just had thoughtful conversations about it where it wasn't about I was not going to change my mind about it 97 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:14,000 But I did feel her desire to like ask me questions as almost as if what does it feel like to live not thinking that people go to hell 98 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,000 For loving people of the same gender 99 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:24,000 And the irony of that being and I'm not trying to jump the gun of the second question of this podcast 100 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:31,000 But the irony of that being that I didn't know until my adulthood that it's kind of a stereotype for queer female friendships 101 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:40,000 That queer women get into fast and close friendships, get into friendships very quickly and that become kind of codependent really quickly 102 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:49,000 And so it's almost like the irony that I was having this sort of not quite romantic but in some ways romantic fast intense friendship with this woman 103 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,000 Or this young girl when I was a young girl 104 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,000 That had all the makings of like an early queer dynamic 105 00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:05,000 But what we were sort of the intensity of the relationship led to a place where we could talk specifically about gay and lesbian people 106 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:13,000 Which is I'm sure the extent to what our language which I'm sure is like the language we were using pretty simple language like gay people and lesbians 107 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:20,000 So anyway, the story is really that we you know again it's like not quite a story but it is this experience 108 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:25,000 And this like moment and this person who kind of like lives in my head 109 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:31,000 I think because I in whatever way it's possible to love somebody that quickly when you don't know them 110 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:37,000 I feel like I loved her like I fell in love with her during that week and then was sort of heartbroken by realizing we didn't share values 111 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:42,000 And then had to like say goodbye to her and we promised to keep in touch and we didn't 112 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:47,000 But I almost feel like the fulfillment of that promise is that I think about her often 113 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:53,000 Often enough that you know again it's almost 20 years later and I don't remember her name 114 00:09:53,000 --> 00:10:02,000 I don't remember that many specifics about anything but I remember those conversations and they mattered and her like I can see her face 115 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:06,000 And that's almost enough I hope at least for this podcast that it's that it's a story 116 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:15,000 It feels like a story that again lives in me so that's the the marking the makings of a story that I wanted to share with you 117 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:20,000 I wish I remembered her name but we'll call again we'll just say that's the story of Amanda in my life 118 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:28,000 All right well I do kind of wish that somehow you'd stayed in touch or whatever and you had some follow-up but you don't but that's all right 119 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:34,000 And I hope wherever Amanda is or whatever her name is she's out there and she's happy that's the most important thing 120 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:40,000 And I hope she doesn't think people are going to hell but that's for another that's not for this podcast 121 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:55,000 So my question to you is how do you think that 11 year old discussion you had with this Mormon who basically implied that anybody who was gay was going to hell 122 00:10:55,000 --> 00:11:04,000 Or maybe even explicitly stated it and then now many years later you living a life that involves a queer lifestyle etc 123 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:09,000 How do you think that's impacted who you are today you said she's rattled around in your head still so 124 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,000 How do you think it's impacted your life today? 125 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:17,000 Well this is where I hope I justify this being the story because I was like I have other stories that have beginning, middles and ends 126 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:28,000 But this is the thing where when I was brainstorming what to share on this podcast I'm like I think it was pretty formative and in a lot of ways 127 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:39,000 And that it was this like early experience of explaining my values separate from the values handed to me from my parents 128 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:46,000 I had to justify them on my own even though I was probably still parroting you and mom in some ways 129 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:53,000 It felt for me very like I could choose to not say that these are my values I could choose to be like yeah I gave people go to hell 130 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:59,000 But it was sort of that self-discovery moment of when left on my own at summer camp meeting a new person 131 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:07,000 If they say something I don't agree with I am somebody who will tell them I don't agree with them and I'll stand up for what I believe in 132 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:14,000 And I'll stay strong in that and I think that was really formative for me because that's something I like about myself 133 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:21,000 And I think has been true for a long time but I think it gave me a sense of confidence like I can do that I can explain why I believe what I believe 134 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:29,000 And I hold that skill set close to my heart that I'm somebody who can justify and explain what I believe and why I believe it 135 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:36,000 And the fact that that's been true since I was 11 or maybe earlier is something I feel some pride in and also gratitude for 136 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,000 Like gratitude that I was taught to be like that 137 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:47,000 And then I think it stayed with me because I feel like as I've thought about it the older I've gotten 138 00:12:47,000 --> 00:13:00,000 I think it stayed with me because as an adult looking at that story I think my big takeaway is that like I really believe people are born wanting to love and accept everybody around them 139 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:07,000 And my the thing I remember is her seeming really confused and I felt really not confused 140 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:13,000 I felt very maybe confused about who I was but I didn't feel confused about the morality around loving people 141 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:23,000 And I just remember feeling her confusion and so again so as an adult looking back on that I have a real belief that like children want to love and accept the people around them 142 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:31,000 And they're trained into not living like that and I hope to God she's not like a hateful homophobe now 143 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:38,000 But if she is she didn't start out that way she started out as a kid who was really trying to make sense of what she'd learned 144 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:44,000 In light of the perhaps more easily digestible information which of course people should be able to love who they love 145 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:58,000 So I feel like I try to carry that with me when I encounter adults who are hateful or hateful and prejudiced and narrow minded 146 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:10,000 I try to remember that that's not the way the world has to be because children actually want to be raised I think to love expansively 147 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:23,000 And I think the third thing that I carry with me or the way it sort of stayed with me is that it's helped me make sense of my own relationship to queerness 148 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:33,000 By being able to sort of plot these moments in my life where I've had fast and intense relationships with women and there's a lot of imposter syndrome that comes with queerness 149 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:43,000 I think especially if it's something you come into quote unquote later in life which is to say like I was 22 and that felt late for me as somebody who thought I like really knew myself really well 150 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:53,000 It's been helpful to be able to like go back in my own personal history and be like hey you're not an imposter this has always been true that you like love women or love across gender 151 00:14:53,000 --> 00:15:01,000 Or have intense relationships that are almost romantic or are explicitly romantic with people of all genders 152 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:12,000 So I think it's been personally helpful for my own like narrative of self and then it's also just helped me I think stay optimistic about the way the world could be 153 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:17,000 If we just let kids love people the way they want to love people, does that make sense? 154 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:27,000 Yeah, yeah it's beautiful, it's beautiful. Well I think you know me well enough to know that I send a short prayer out to Amanda whatever she is that she's 155 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:32,000 And in conflict that she's been able to work whatever out she needs to work out 156 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:39,000 And I think that you're amazing in your ability to look forward and look backwards and look into the present 157 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:52,000 And so you've articulated it quite well I think and I want to thank you for being on the show because I know it's a long time in coming to get my famous podcaster, comedian daughter on the show 158 00:15:52,000 --> 00:16:06,000 Thanks for having me on the show and you can cut this if you want but I also like yeah it's not even for the podcast necessarily but I really feel like immense gratitude that I didn't have to be confused about 159 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:17,000 The endless possibilities of love as a kid because when I think back about her not to reiterate again it's just me to you or the podcast but like I wasn't ever confused about that 160 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:29,000 And that's a real gift that non homophobic parents can give their children where it was kind of like well whoever I am I do think that like love doesn't really have limits in that way 161 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:41,000 And that's something that's like not given to every child so thank you for having me on the podcast and also thanks for keeping me from the pain and confusion of that 162 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:50,000 Yeah well I think I speak for all parents when I say that we try not to screw up our kids but we do but we try our best not to and in our case your mother's in my case 163 00:16:50,000 --> 00:17:01,000 We try to let you know that we love you no matter what and we think that loving other people is a great thing regardless of whatever I mean gender or other issues 164 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:17,000 So I'm glad so far you've been open and receptive to all people I think that makes a lot of sense and I'm just hopeful that you know you continue to be open to people and loving the people and the people are loving to you too 165 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:26,000 I don't like the idea of people walking around with plenty fingers that anybody is saying you're going to hell this or that bothers me when I think about that 166 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,000 Yeah when I go to hell it's not going to be for that 167 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:43,000 I don't know what I like to think that there's I mean this is way off the subject now but I've got this hypothesis that God is somehow if there's a divine that it's a loving God 168 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:53,000 and if that's the case then anybody who's using him or her or them in any other way is just off the track you know just dismiss the point 169 00:17:53,000 --> 00:18:08,000 But that's just me, what do I know? I don't know any more than anybody else does to be truthful but it makes for a heck of a lot easier life when you think that at the end of it all it's a loving God versus a God that damns people for left or right or for anything 170 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:17,000 because regardless my friend whoever's listening or whatever else if it's not a loving God we're all in a little bit of trouble 171 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:24,000 if it's a loving God we're doing alright I'm talking about everybody 172 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:30,000 but anyway I don't want to get into my whole you know I could have been a minister type of thing I want to be a minister but that's a whole different thing 173 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,000 that's a next podcast 174 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:43,000 so thank you for coming on the show Hannah I'd like to bring my sponsor Sight Lining Publishing so until next time this is Jay Reagg asking you all to please stay safe out there and try not to hurt anybody