It's that seasonal time in the far distant future
where a friendship was born, but was destroyed by a creature, a creature of smoke, or a creature
of ambition. How can you tell? Just another failed mission. It's the time for your family,
a time for your friends. But in this Star Trek story, is that how it ends? A lifetime of toil
for our lower dex pair, but treason and selfishness filled our winter's air.
On the eve of Trek Christmas, we find our lonely Rob having nightmares and visions. What an absolute knob.
Tom, I'm so sorry, Tom.
There he is. What's going on? Down the side, Ensign. Ensign Rob? Yes? We're detaining you
on suspicion of eight counts of murder. Eight? You will accompany us to the shuttle bays,
where you will be transported to Deep Space Nine and remain under their supervision until further
notice. But I- Once there, you will be assigned council, and if all evidence points to your
complicity to these crimes, you shall be tried in court. Do I make myself clear? You can't do this.
It wasn't him. I won't allow it. Won't allow it? I suggest you step away from the body and keep a
safe distance, Ensign, unless you want to find yourself in the brig. It's okay, Adam. I'll be
fine. I will get you out of this. It's okay, mate. I'm ready. Please stand up, place your hands on
your head, and turn the face of the wall.
I'll get you out of this. I owe you that much.
Tell me what you remember of the day in question. I just remember being in my quarters, having
terrible dreams. Tell me about the dreams. It felt so real. How? It was like, it was like someone was
talking to me, making me see things, making me think things that I just knew weren't true. And
then what? The rest. The rest is just a blur. Flashes of light and faint memories, but they
didn't feel right. How so? Almost like they weren't mine. I was just watching them. So much sadness,
so much anger. We are here outside Quarks Bar on Deep Space Nine, which has been made into a
makeshift courtroom where we await the trial of the Sentry. An unknown dense in the board,
the Starfleet Vessel, the USS Shit Show, is being tried for eight counts of murder in the first
degree. Detonation of an unknown explosive device, leading to the deaths of another 19 crew members
and the destruction of the Starfleet. Oh, it looks like we have movement.
You, the jury, on the count of murder in the first degree of eight crew members aboard the
SSS Shit Show, how do you find the accused? Not guilty. On the count of detonation of an
explosive device with the intent to kill, how do you find the accused? Not guilty. On the count
of detonation of an explosive device with the intent to cause harm, how do you find the accused?
Not guilty. And finally, on the count of detonation of an explosive device with the intent to cause
destruction of Starfleet property, how do you find the accused? Not guilty. Enzyme rock, your actions
have been deemed out of your control and influenced by the smoke creature known as the anomaly.
You have been found not guilty on all counts. Congratulations Enzyme. Your rank should be
reinstated and all Starfleet privileges shall be returned to you. Court promises this will be
stricken from your records and will not affect your future progression throughout Starfleet.
Court dismissed.
Dismissed.
Who are man's off scot-free? Well it does make sense. A smoke monster possession does make a
good defense, but it's Christmas remember. I know that's why you're here. Let's see how he's doing.
Let's feel that Christmas cheer. Bah humbug. Fuck. You don't really mean that. Why not?
What exactly do I have to be merry about? My friends are dead, my ship is currently orbiting
Deep Space Nine in 84 separate pieces and every twat with a Fleet Talk account has seen me blubbering
like a bitch in a highly televised courtroom. Well when you put it like that I can understand
you could feel a little under festive, but come on you've got a great promotion, albeit in a temporary
position here on Deep Space Nine, but still you've made it to the big leagues. Look, I'll shift us
over and tomorrow's Christmas let's go down quarks and get a few Saurian brandies down our necks.
I don't think that's a good idea. Why not? Come on, not like we've got anything going on tomorrow.
Yes you do. What do you mean? I've got you both rooted for a double transport to degaussing.
But Rob it's Christmas. Sir. Sorry? You mean but sir it's Christmas. Rob, sorry, I mean sir,
all the other beta shift ensigns have been given the day off. That's a poor excuse for leaving a
commanding officer to pick up the slack every winter solstice, but seeing as I'm the only one
that seems to understand that, take the day off. Thank you sir. Be here all the earlier the next
day because you are doing it manually. Of course. What a prick. Christmas, Christmas indeed. Barf
fucking humbug. Computer, end session and close access to terminal. Authorization Rob Alpha Three.
Affirmative. Right, I'm leaving.
With another shift over Rob walks alone, a familiar scene this quiet stroll back home.
By himself he meanders, by himself he roves, passing cheerful strangers and crewmates he loathes.
But what's this at his door? That's an odd thing to find. A brass knocker is there. Did it move?
Is he blind?
Tom?
Humbug. To say Rob wasn't shocked, well that's not true. He wore his brown pants and he needed
them too to see his old friend materialize at his door on that strange brass knocker.
Was it there before? He continues his night, clearly shaken from fright,
but a little nightcap, well that will set things right.
Tea, Yorkshire, hot.
Well look who it is. Ensign Rob, or is it Commander now?
Who are you? In life I was your friend. It's me, Tom. Don't you recognise me?
You look like him, but it can't be true. And why not?
You could be a trick of my mind, an apparition manifested by a past trauma,
oh lord. I don't want to see Councillor Bensley, they can't make me.
Oh dear god no. No, no. Your trick of my stomach.
Not the mind. You could just be bad tendrils of gah from lunchtime.
Gah, he says. Gah. Don't take the piss, you always took the piss.
I never banter my friend, banter. Why are you here? Why are you visiting me?
I'm Thomas the Janssen, our bestest friend indeed.
The smoke took your body at the door and controlled you readily.
It specialised in causing pain, spreading lies and doubts.
And when you came into the hangar, the rumour sucked it out.
I'm Thomas the Janssen, your soul's been tainted black.
Controlled to do those evil deeds, it put you in its shackles.
Captive bound, you're double-eyed, exhausted by the weight.
As Starfleet comes from giving love, the anomaly came with hate.
I'm Thomas the Janssen, I'm Thomas the Janssen.
Doomdraal, you're doomed for all time. Your future is a failed career, written by your crime.
Your destiny is fixed by what you say and do. So stay alone, covered your throne, a nightmare waits for you.
Dammit Tom, what are those terrible chains?
These chains were forged in life by the creature of smoke. It hatred shackles me now, even in death.
All those touched by it are cursed with this future. You, Rob, you carry such change yourself.
Humbug, speak kindly to me, my friend.
Kindly? Ha!
You will be haunted by three spirits.
Haunted? I think you've been all the haunting I can take, thank you.
Without their help, you have no hope to change your ways. You have to hope to save yourself.
You have no hope to save us all from the weight of damnation.
The first ghost comes tonight, when the bell tolls one.
No, refuse.
When the bell tolls one.
I'm Thomas the Janssen, I'm Thomas the Janssen.
I'm Thomas the Janssen.
Change!
Just as soon as he'd appeared, giving Rob a fearsome fright, Tom's chains echoed into the darkness, haunting Rob all night.
Rob sat back down, and with a frown, a nightmare this must be.
But frozen solid in his cup was all his Yorkshire tea.
What sorcery is this? Humbug, I say. Humbug to you, Tom, bloody damn Humbug.
Humbug indeed, he says aloud. It's time he went to bed. Perhaps a drop of liquor to lighten his heavy head.
Chateau Picard. That would be nice. Perhaps Orion Duluc. It doesn't matter. He just wolfs down.
Half a pint of rotgut. It's getting late, and cold creeps in.
It's time to go to bed, but it isn't long until he hears the sound that he did dread.
Are you the spirit that Tom told me about?
I am.
Well, get lost.
Well, that's not nice.
Didn't you hear? Apparently I'm not a very nice bloke.
I did, and that's why I'm here.
Go on then, speak clearly, or not at all. No riddles.
I have lived for more than 2,400 years, and I remember everything.
Typical woman.
Excuse me?
Nothing, nothing. 2,400 years? You look like a child.
We were all young once, were we not?
Guess so.
As I was saying, I remember everything. Every life that ever was, every thought that was ever thought.
Your salvation starts in your past, and your past is where I will take you.
And how exactly do you intend to do that?
We travel through the void of space.
Oh, you have a shuttle. Okay, let me get my coat.
I have no shuttle.
Okay, you're teleporting me then?
You know full well it's transporting, and no, we aren't.
Well how then? I'm only human, spirit.
It's not like I can just enter the cold vacuum of space and fly around like a bloody space bird.
Take my hand.
You're not serious.
Take my hand and you will be fine.
Insane.
Just take my hand, will you? I've got three other selfish old men to visit tonight.
You aren't the only one with problems, you know.
Oh, alright, fine. Don't get your spectral knickers in a twist.
Spirit?
Yes, Rob?
Where's that light ahead?
That light? That light is the past.
It's beautiful.
The past usually is.
The past once lived was their destination, and in the past came trepidation of pathways
and byways once well trodden, of people and deeds that Rob had forgotten.
To protect his friend and his new found love, to give his team a better life above.
Upper, not lower decks, a loftier position.
Protecting his friend and his new found love, to give his team a better life above.
Protecting his friend from a terrible mission, to clear their memories and travel so deep.
Into the Starfleet under Belly, where the criminals sleep.
Forget all your past and forget all your future, for this was a mission not for student but teacher.
Spirit, what is this place?
You don't recognise it?
I have no memory of this.
This is your past, Rob, one of many Christmas Eves stolen from you.
Stolen from me? By who?
By you, Rob.
I stole it from myself.
How is that what Adam was trying to tell Tom and I?
Just watch.
Shhh.
Chaps, settle down, settle down.
Is that... is that me?
Yes.
Can you see me?
No one here can see us.
Merry Christmas, sir.
And to you, Tom. To you all.
Brilliant, have you heard?
Sure, shake the cup.
Heard what exactly, agent?
Adam's in love.
It's hardly love, Tom.
You love her.
Come on, what are you, five?
Spirit, it's Tom, my friend. Tom, Tom, I'm here, my friend, my friend.
They don't know you were here.
And Adam, Adam, come sit with me, friend, sit with me.
Dear God, this guy's an idiot.
They can't hear you.
Ah, yes, the young lady in the officer training program at the academy.
I'm aware.
How? Yeah, how?
These guys only know because they're always right at the back of the shuttle, eh?
Ha ha!
It's my job to know, Adam.
Now then, Officer Rose relayed our orders from the big man upstairs, and provided me with the intel to get you two up to speed.
The big man himself?
You mean... V?
Now then, follow me, chaps.
Why do they just call me Sir?
What is this?
Just watch.
Right, sit down, lads. This isn't going to be easy.
In fact, let me just play the datapad.
Datapad load complete.
Identity check confirmed.
Beginning message playback.
Agents, it has come to our attention that a potential incursion of changelings have infiltrated Starfleet at all levels of command.
Whilst the investigations of other SI teams continue to gather evidence on higher level individuals, your mission is as follows.
Two of you are to bury yourselves deep into the lower rankings of one of Starfleet's newest vessels, the USS Shitshow.
This can only be truly accomplished by receiving five mylograms of the new focused psychoactive memory, Degenerative.
Once administered, your memory of all Starfleet intelligence will be lost.
This will guarantee your ability to fully immerse yourselves into the ship's crew.
Once full assimilation is confirmed, Officer Rob will then administer you both a dose of desegrenine, thereby regaining your memory.
It is at this point he will relay any new updates to the mission intelligence.
Good luck, agents. Starfleet is lucky to have you.
Bloody hell, hang on. How come I don't remember this? I'm supposed to be the one making Tom and Adam forget.
Or you just blink and watch?
Any questions? Tom?
No, sir.
Adam?
This can't be happening.
And why is that, agent?
Come on, mate, it's finally our chance to prove ourselves. We've been waiting for this moment.
I know, I know. It's never...
Ever...
You've finally found something to live for. Or should I say, someone?
Sir... It's just not fair.
I know, mate.
You know, I remember the day I chose you for the SI training programme.
Oh, God, the shuttle.
The shuttle, indeed. You'd both stolen Captain Tuvok's ship after one of his ridiculous holodeck training scenarios.
You'd fade it miserably, of course.
Everyone failed those stupid fucking things.
The guy's a fucking idiot. Don't worry about it.
Anyway, you'd just stolen his shuttle and managed to crash it into a passing Klingon warbird in full cloak.
Even when captured, you both still managed to break free from their brig, outdrink them all during a rambunctious game of blood, wine or dine, take over the ship and park it back in the shuttle bay in Tuvok's parking space.
It was hilarious! Shame we never got to see his stupid face.
No. As soon as we landed, we were bagged by a couple of agents and we've been here ever since.
Exactly. Well, let me tell you, I did see his face and I've never seen a Vulcan so angry.
Except that time I stood up the winner of the T'Pol look-alike contest on Ryza.
Now I know this is fake, as if I'd stand up someone who looked like T'Pol.
You weren't always such a deviant, you know, Rob. You used to stand for more.
Unlikely. Boys, what I'm getting at here is that I know how much you mean to each other, and I know that you don't want to forget these experiences we've had together over the last few months.
But now's the time. You've both trained so hard for this, I know you can do it. Both of you. Now, please, sit down, pull your sleeves up.
Of course, sir. I guess Christmas dinner is off this year, then.
For now, mate. I'll see you on the other side.
Sir!
Sleeve, please, Adam.
Please, sir. I can't.
It's okay, mate. I understand.
I've finally found someone!
I know, mate. I know.
Sir!
Look, I'm so proud of the agent you've become. You've worked so hard to change your life, and you've come so far.
All thanks to you, sir.
I fear this will be harder on you than anyone else, my friend. I am sorry. I thought you said I was a good person.
You are the most impatient man I've ever met. Would you just watch?
Our fleet's the one who has it all. They are the masters of our fate. They never needed anybody in their life.
Don't learn this truth too late. I won't let you have to feel this pain. Just close your eyes, she'll be there.
Don't be infected by my melancholy heart. It's more than I can bear.
Now I know that you don't need me, even as I run away. Our masters can torture me, control me, hurt me, order me, come what may.
I'm resting in this lonely barracks, waiting on Starfleet's order. I'll fool myself, I'll remember this. Be with my friends forevermore.
I rage against these damned orders. I curse the need for them to fight. I won't let this life fly so far beyond his reach. Just keep his love in sight.
Now I know that you don't need me, even as you fade from view. Let my life inspire thee. Be a part of everything you do.
I'm wasting in this lonely barracks, waiting on Starfleet's order. I'll fool myself, I'll remember this. And as the long, long mission begins,
I'll hold on to what it means. My memory here forevermore.
Singing again? Doesn't seem like me.
How would you know? You don't remember it.
Touché.
Wait a minute. I still remember everything. It didn't work. Sir, are you okay? Oh, you bastard.
You see, you wiped your own memory to save your friend.
So I disobeyed direct orders from my superior officer.
Well, yes, but you did it to give your friend the life he had always wanted.
But did I though?
How do you mean?
Well, my memory of Adam is that he's actually always pretty highly strung, like he always had something more important to be doing than emptying cum canisters
and collecting missing body parts whenever the doctor's specimens got loose.
It is true, the weight of responsibility weighed heavy on him, but it was because of your sacrifice that he got to spend his time with the love of his life.
What time he had left, you mean? Before the explosion?
Ah, yes, the explosion. That was the end, was it?
Well, yeah. You know anyone to ever survive a miniature coaxium explosion while stood in the same room?
Spirit? What do you know?
Answer me, damn you. What happened to my friend? Why are you doing this to me? To torture me? Have I not tortured myself enough?
No, to teach you. To remind you of the goodness in your heart.
My heart? My heart, she says. What heart? What heart can I have? What joy do I deserve?
What feelings should I possess but the feelings of pain, regret and sorrow?
As you wish.
Spirit? Answer me. Answer me, Spirit.
The End
Rob finds himself alone again, but will another Spirit Dane, to pay a visit this cold lonely night, listen for the bell? I think they might.
The End
Nothing?
Hello?
But that's my wardrobe.
Come in. Come in. Take a load off.
You already said that.
Did I?
You're an odd one.
No, I'm not odd. Who is this odd character you speak of? Are they here? Come out, friend. Come out. Join our merriment.
No, no, I meant you act odd.
Well, odd to you maybe, my boy, but not to me.
Right. And who exactly are you?
Well, the ghost of Christmas presents, of course.
Yeah, of course. Well, you are a very merry fellow, I must say.
Merry indeed, my friend. Merry indeed, for my heart is filled with the present. This moment in time at all times, and this moment is Christmas. What joy it is.
I don't think I've ever met someone like you.
Oh, but there are many like me, especially on a day like today, where you only to look and listen.
I've got no time to stop. I have plans. I've got things I need to do, spirit. It's been nice to meet you. It really has, but I've got to get on.
You know, my boy, this world isn't all about you. Come with me now. Come. Come see the joys of Christmas Day.
Will there be more singing?
Oh, I do hope so.
Oh, God.
And there he is, all merry and large. Another spirit, another journey, but no longer the past.
Their destination, the present, full of parties and merriment. But is it all happiness this year? Or is there also bereavement?
It can't always be work, as Rob will soon see, but this spirit has a lesson for him. Now what could it be?
And then he said, what do I have to be merry about?
What a fucking loser.
Has he always been like this?
Nah, he used to be super chill. Funny even. Someone even called him a bit of an airhead. You know, always messing things up.
You know, one time he modified all the replicators to only give out meals based off of Neelik's Pomfah cookbook.
That was him?
Yep.
What a prick.
One time he got into the captain's quarters and glued all the captain's chairs backwards to the floor. So whenever the captain had to sit down, he had to do the Riker maneuver.
Problem was, the captain was too short.
Yeah, so he just spent all day smacking his ball sack off the back of the chairs.
Did you really do that?
Well, Tom helped, but yeah.
So what changed?
Life, Hansen, is a way of changing us all.
Life changed you into a borg, but it didn't change you into a cunt, did it?
Hang on, I thought this was meant to be fun?
But it is! Can't you see? It's a party!
Yes, I see that, but am I just here to listen to a bunch of assholes talk shit about me?
Well, the idea was that you would come here and you would see all of the merriment of Christmas Day.
Maybe not the best choice. My bad. My bad.
Ah! I know!
Karen! Yes, Karen! I bet she is having a marvellous Christmas!
I bet she is indeed.
How would you know?
No, no, no. Who am I to tell the almighty Christmas present what is and what isn't happening?
Like, right now. Literally right now.
My sister was right. He's a right prick.
Sorry?
Oh, nothing, nothing. Come now, come. Let's go.
Onwards they travel. Another friend they must visit, but this one's a little awkward. I think the spirit may regret it.
Ah! Here we are.
You're going to regret this one.
No, I'm not. See, look, there she is. Oh, wonderful. She's reading.
Yep, and I know what it is. Don't you?
Well, of course, of course. It's, um, it's...
It's her demotion letter.
What?
She got demoted for failing to secure the anomaly. Along with other things, she's pretty upset about it, to be honest.
Oh.
Oh, indeed. Thought you were supposed to know everything. What was it you said? My heart is filled with the present, this moment in all time at all times?
Ah, fuck off.
How could this happen? It's not all my fault. A fucking bitch. Fleeing out more rank is going to fucking regret this.
It's not bad enough that I've lost Adam, but I have to deal with this too. Fuck this. Fuck Starfleet. Fuck Monk. Oh my god, and fuck Christmas.
What?
Hmm, yeah. She was also in a secret love affair with Ensign Adam. Oh, sorry, I mean Agent Adam. It's all a bit confusing. I had my memory wiped, you know. Did it myself, apparently.
I'm aware.
Yeah, that was a pretty big deal. Top brass in Starfleet Intelligence. Special missions to find some changelings. But you know, that's all gone now. So yeah, I agree with her. Fuck Christmas.
No, no, no, no, hang on. Enough of this. Maybe a little of this might help.
Oh no. What are you doing?
Just a little song. That's all. Might lighten up the mood a bit.
Sorry, am I living in some kind of musical?
Oh, be quiet or you'll ruin it.
I know you want it to be fine, but I can ignore those crazy days back on Deep Space Nine. And I know that there's a special place where boys and girls can give orders every single day.
I'm having wicked dreams of leaving this Starfleet. It planned it right. I swear it's calling me. Just make my Adam proud. I'm gonna cause a scene. It took my man from me. I think I'm gonna scream.
Oh, what have you done? I'm a captain again and my partner is gonna Adam. I got more revenge on the Starfleet Elite, but that's where I belong down at the Hatchmole Club.
Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking at Starfleet headquarters. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club.
I'm flying round, and men are on the floor. I've frozen the bathroom and the line outside the door. Four lights on a Cabez and it's a wall. Every night's another reason why I love it all.
I'm having wicked dreams of leaving this Starfleet. Oh, plan it right. I swear it's calling me. Just make my Adam proud. I'm gonna cause a scene. It took my man from me. I think I'm gonna scream.
Oh, what have you done? I'm a captain again and my partner is gonna Adam. I got more revenge on the Starfleet Elite, but that's where I belong down at the Hatchmole Club.
Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking at Starfleet headquarters. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club. Hatchmole Club.
I think I've left you all behind. Still love you, my dear Starfleet. You're always on my mind. Adam, every Saturday I can hear your well-strawled a thousand light years away.
Smoke, what have you done? I'm a captain again and my partner is gonna Adam. I got more revenge on the Starfleet Elite, but that's where I belong down at the Hatchmole Club.
Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking at Starfleet headquarters. Oh, I wanna keep on drinking up at Hatchmole Club. Hatchmole Club.
I suppose that's my fault as well, is it?
Oh, fuck this. Look, come this way.
Ah ha! Happiness! Wait, is that Adam? When is this? Is this the past? I thought you were the ghost of the present, not the past. This isn't even Christmas. Cheater.
Oh, yeah, great fun. Get to watch my friend get blown up and have his body parts splattered over the hull of Deep Space Nine. Happy Christmas, Rob.
Just watch.
What the hell?
Hey, my friend. I see you was in a slight spot of bother.
Oh, no, it's you.
Me? Ah, yes, yes. My new best friend.
How did you know?
I may or may not have hacked into that piece of shit subspace network and set up a few monitoring routines. Nothing major, just a yod camera feed here and there.
Camera feed? Were you spying on me?
Well, not specifically. Mainly the sonic showers. Your room just happens to be next to the IP address after the Wiggins toilets, on Deck 8.
Yeah, a bit creepy.
Well, that's enough of that. I saw you was in a spot of bother there. I thought to myself, steady. Why not help out fellow bastard and pop him on board? Away from all that pop.
You saved my life.
What are friends for? Right, so, who tried to kill you? And where do we find him?
Starfleet Intelligence. They call him V.
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Starfleet Intelligence. Now this does sound like an adventure.
We've got to get out of here. They need to think I'm dead.
No problemo. Oh, computer? Let's skedaddle. Say it with me. I feel the need, the need for warp speed.
See?
See what?
It's Adam.
I can see that.
He's alive.
So is. Shame Karen doesn't know. Might have saved her a shit ton of heartbreak.
Listen here, you smart ass little prick. I've got one more place to take you, then I'm fucking done with you. Understand?
Yeah, alright mate. Calm down.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. Wonderful. Your friend is alive after all. What wonderful news, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Fuck yes.
Ho, ho, ho. Wonderful. Come now, follow me.
Yes, yes, yes. This is the place.
Where are we?
Well, the USS Shit Show of course.
But where?
Ah, this is assigned socks quarters.
Simon's?
The one and only.
It's not.
Yes it is. Isn't it?
I've been to Simon's quarters loads, he's always helped me sort out my, er, problems.
Imiquimod or polyfilling?
Imiquimod. I prefer creamed. Hang on, no, wait a minute. I mean problems with my record.
Of course, so did I.
Spirit, Simon has a big computer terminal where the dining table should be. I don't see it anywhere.
Well, isn't that interesting.
Where's Simon, or are we just here to rummage his underwear drawer?
Maybe later, but for now, a little silence. Listen, closely.
Can you hear that? Is it coming from the closet?
Why don't you have a look?
Now it's time for stage three of the operation.
What on earth, who's he talking to?
I can't do this anymore, I just can't. It was all good fun at the start, a little bit of mischief. No one was meant to get hurt.
You will continue to do as I order.
I won't?
You will. You know what the consequences will be if you disobey me.
You can't control me?
Just like all of you cute continuum wankers, arrogant to the last.
Fuck you.
I'll be seeing you soon.
What the fuck. Simon to Q.
Mic drop.
You don't say mic drop, you just act it out.
This is an audio podcast.
No, no, sorry, yeah, quite right.
It's all my fault. I just wanted to have a little fun.
How could I have been so blind to this? How could I have let him control me like that?
How can I fix this?
Oh no, think a song's coming. Spirit, Spirit, get us out of here quick.
Nope, sorry, can't hear you over the sweet sounds of uncomfortable pain.
Ugh.
This game really changes everything.
I can't let him keep control of me.
Convinced myself we share the same feelings.
I won't make this mistake again.
Jews are happy and carefree, the opposite of me. I can do the calculus.
For them I'll set aside my need to fantasize. Now I'm trapped and searching for why.
I'm the Q.
I've got no one but myself to blame.
I've betrayed my core philosophy.
Mischief and fun has been my true north.
Lest I drown in this sea of pain.
I'm so dysfunctional, trapped and not in control. Consequences I can't contain.
Escaping this slavery, I'm breaking free. Is it a possibility?
Control said why in my computation?
I missed vital information.
The smoke, so devastating.
I'm the Q.
I've got to get out of here. Maybe if I go home they can help me fix it.
Well, this was all pretty unexpected.
Shall we go?
Please.
Just walk through that door there.
You coming with me?
No, not this time. My brother's a little... intense.
Oh yeah, the third spirit.
Yes, the ghost of Christmas yet to come. Now off you go.
Okay.
Don't forget to leave me five stars and the ice spirit up.
Wait, what?
Well that went well. Bit of a fuck up really, but who could tell? Let's just move on and look to the future. It can't all be bad.
Now where's our spirit tutor?
What? Where am I? Spirit, are you there?
What is this? Is this a shit show bridge? It looks strange. What's with all the bright LEDs? It's going to give everyone a headache.
So, you finally decided to show up. Took you long enough. Are you talking to me? Can you see me?
You aren't an easy human to track down.
Thought I'd killed you all. I guess I missed one.
Ah, two. Must be getting sloppy in my old age.
It's best you don't fight this. It'll be easier for you.
You can go down with your head held high, knowing that you did your best and you almost won.
Tell me, how long has it been? When did you take Enchison Wolfie and Rich's identities?
We found them in a particularly dishevelled state one Christmas Eve. Some kind of party, I think.
It was such a long time ago now, it could have been anywhere really.
They were too drunk and too busy moaning about you that they didn't even notice. The blades were at their throats until it was too late.
Poor boys. So naive. They were good lads.
Good lads? They fucking hated you.
Everyone hates you, Emperor.
Ah, Emperor. It's been a while since anyone's called me that. Been alone out here for so long.
Emperor?
It seems so obvious now, finding you here.
Hiding in plain sight, it seems.
Yes indeed. I've always been drawn to the Bifone Nebula. Something about its orange glow that just warms my soul.
Now then, should we get on with it? You're blocking my view.
So, you've chosen to fight.
Of course.
Then you've chosen death.
Luck has smiled upon you this day. The fate of a generation in your hands.
And blessed be the crewmen we who fight with all our bravery until they changeling stand.
You come from distant stars, glowing in the night. You've taken all our names for what you think is right.
And even if I lose and cannot carry on, though I'll die, the Starfleet lives on.
You'll stab me in my chest with battle-ath or blade. I may be phased to death by side I'm set to kill.
But I will torture you, so you'd better hope you win, though I'll die, the Starfleet lives on.
Doomroll! You're doomed for all time!
I roam the meadow on the floor. Admirals in the bathroom and a line outside the door.
Soar, lads! On our fad-eftin disco-board!
In my computation, I missed vital information. The smoke, so devastating.
Just keep his love in sight. Now I know that you don't believe me.
I cut my dick in half and serve it to a pig. And though it hurts so love and dance a dickless cheek.
But that's the way it goes. And while you're shut up, though I'll die, the Starfleet lives on.
Bleh!
What the hell did I just see? Is this my future? Am I to become some kind of emperor?
Oh no, the spirit. Where are you? Spirit, show yourself.
Spirit, oh god, what did I just see? Is it my death?
Spirit?
Speak to me, please. What am I to become? What's happened to Starfleet? Why was I hiding?
Tell me, damn you! Tell me!
What are you pointing at? Is that over there?
You want me to go over there? What am I going to see? What am I going to discover?
Oh no.
Whose graves are these, Spirit? Whose graves are these?
Talk to me, you spectral fucking nightmare! Whose graves are these?
Sorry Adam, sorry Tom. They failed you both. If only I was a better Admiral.
If only I just said fuck this to all of them and gone with my gut and not trusted that idiot Captain Telfer with delivering the anomaly.
Maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe you wouldn't have both been killed.
It's not your fault, Karen. It's not your fault, it's mine Karen. Don't blame yourself.
No. No. It's not my fault either. It's fucking Simon's fault.
Don't you say a fucking word. Don't you dare make your first words to me be some relevatory bullshit.
It might have been my body that did this, but it wasn't my soul. I didn't kill my friend, Karen didn't kill her friends, Simon, the anomaly, and that freaky person on that intercom killed them.
I'm the ghost of Christmas future. The spirit of all things yet to come.
No, no you sound familiar.
The ghost of all the inclination of time and space.
Oh God it's you.
The ghost of what was, what is, and whatever will be. I am the almighty. I am...
Simon. Simon.
Simon!
Simon?
Can you see us?
Of course I can.
Zombies!
Why are we screaming?
You're meant to be dead.
And you, Adam.
Wait, hold on, why are you screaming?
Fucking zombies!
Can everyone stop screaming please?
What the fuck is going on? Simon?
Yeah, sorry about this.
Really? All of you? It's not that bad.
Fuck you dude.
Yeah, seriously, fuck you.
Simon, explain and make it quick.
And no fucking singing.
But the singing is the best part.
I swear dude, one more song and I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Singing?
It's been a whole thing mate, honestly you're better off not knowing.
Just get on with it.
Look, it's not my fault. Well, not all of it, some of it is.
But I never meant for any of you to get hurt. It just started as a bit of fun on my part.
A few tricks and japs on Rob and Tom, then it kind of spiralled out of control.
Next thing I know I'm being blackmailed into escalating this whole thing further.
But you're at Q. How can someone blackmail you?
Yeah, just click your fingers and turn them into space mush.
Not that simple. I've, erm, had my wings clipped shall we say.
By the Q continuum.
Why?
Something to do with a turnip in Abba Geveni.
That was you? You bastard.
Look, it's not important. How can I make this up to you?
Well...
It starts with sorry.
That's your foot in the door.
One simple sorry.
Spoken straight from your core.
The path to forgiveness is a twisting trail of hearts.
But sorry is where it starts.
Who could forgive a Q entity like me?
I relieved that smoke anomaly.
Can't we just kill him?
Phaser and transport hold his guts.
That's an option you kidgies.
Works for us.
But who hasn't been in his shoes?
It starts with sorry.
Sorry?
Down deeper and say one simple sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And your ship is on its way.
It'll take time to cover my vast multitude of sins.
But sorry is where it begins.
It starts with sorry.
I said no more fucking singing.
Well, someone's tired.
Look Simon, just put all this back to how it was before this started will you?
And then let's get on with our lives.
Okay.
Ugh, where am I? Wait, I'm back.
I'm back. Tom, he's not here. I've got to find him.
You, boy.
Boy? Yes, you boy.
I'm 33 years old.
No, nothing but a child. Now tell me, what day is this?
Why? Christmas Day, of course.
Christmas Day? Christmas Day?
Have you seen Edson Tom anywhere?
Yeah, he's in Quarks with Adam.
Excellent. Now boy, take this.
A bar of lana?
Yes, now run along and buy the biggest turkey you've ever laid your eyes on and meet me at Quarks.
Are you insane? We're both in Starfleet. What do I need money for? Just go to the replicator.
The biggest turkey you've ever seen!
Fucking idiot.
Why did you get the big corner table? There are only three of us.
I have a surprise.
Tom! Adam!
Alright mate, dickhead here's booked the bloody big table.
That's a waste. There's only three of us.
That's what I said.
There's going to be four of us.
Four? Who's the fourth?
His not so secret girlfriend.
Ah, yeah, Adam Alchester's.
How did you know about me and Karen? This was supposed to be the big reveal.
Mate, it's the worst kept secret in Starfleet.
Really?
What'd I say?
Never mind. Hopefully she'll be here soon. I've got a handful of mistletoe and I didn't brush my teeth for your sake.
Yeah, that's grace. Who's round as him?
What a conclusion to our adventure that we found our boys in Space Station Timey Wimey.
What fun this has been.
Now remember dear listener, at this time of year, have fun and be merry, spread Christmas cheer.
The boys will return in the new year, so be kind to your neighbor and smile ear to ear.
We'll leave our boys here with not a spirit in sight.
Happy Trekmas to you all and to you all a good night.
You have been listening to Lightly Used, Karen.
What have you done? My partner is...
Fuck! My god, that was actually going quite well.
Fuck's sake!
Tempt 9711.
You're gonna have so many outtakes on this. You're such a lucky boy!
Adam.
They need to think I'm dead.
Action!
Boop, boop, boop.
Who takes the socks off?
Simon.
Something to do with a turnip in Aga...
Never gonna get that right, was I?
What's wrong with Wolfie?
Jason.
I'm in pain.
Merry Christmas.
Rich.
This is Rich and I just want to wish all the listeners of Channel 84 a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Under consultation, The Amazing Cliff.
Listen here, you smart-ass little prick. I've got one more place to take you. I turned Welsh.
That was him? That little prick.
Yeah, so he just spent all day smacking his ball sack off the back of the chairs.
Cartman.
This again.
Okay.
Problem was, the captain was too short.
I think I nailed that.
Friends of the podcast.
Stiddy.
I feel the need. The need for wolf speed!
This is Stiddy wishing everyone a Happy Christmas and a blinding 2025.
Side quest mark.
End time Rob, your actions have been deemed out of your control and influenced by the smoke creature known as the anomaly.
Court dismissed.
I know we aren't meant to have favourites, but you know, she's wonderful, the utterly amazing Kay.
Just take my hand will you? You aren't the only one with problems you know.
What's that light ahead?
That light? That light is the past.
It's beautiful.
The past usually is.
And finally your host, Tom.
There are huge amounts of apologies I'm going to be doing for this Rob. I'm very sorry.
And I've already missed my fucking queue.
God damn it. Oh fuck, hang on, let's try this one again.
Oh fuck nuggets, come on.
Ahhhhh.
Oh my god, Rob, why do you do this to me you wanker.
And Rob.
Sleeve please. Now you're going to fall unconscious so just kind of go.
Ugh.
Hehehehe.
Now do it repeatedly and again and again and again and again until I'm finished.
Hehehehe.
Ugh.
Hehehehe.
So that's enough. I've created this.
I already fucked it up a bit.
Scanning.
Transmission found. Signal lock complete.
Heat him up.
Get away from her you bitch.
Accept him, Stortus.
Too late. It's locked on liberty.
It's locked on liberty.
Music on, Santa. Thanks.
Shake her wings.
Die.
Camera on one.
Note it.
You put something in my hand.
I collect spores, molds and fungus.
He's finally matched his needs. You really like his ass.
Welcome to the Untitled Sci-Fi Show.