That's me shooting the bum.
That's very Star Wars of you.
Rob shot first.
I was going more World West than Star Wars.
Nope, Rob shot first.
Yeah, yeah.
All that's a little bollocks isn't it?
Such a terrible bit of the film.
Clearly he shot first because, well, the other one just missed, who cares?
Right, hello.
Hello.
This is a Star Trek podcast, remember?
This is going to be the least planned episode of this that we have done at all.
And I bet you it gets the most bloody listens.
Well, the other one we did didn't we?
I think the first one about the, where does the moisture go, whatever, in the holodeck?
Yes.
He's like one of our highest listened ones and we put, we didn't plan it at all.
We were going to talk about the holodeck and come.
Okay.
Yeah, holodeck and come, that's your go-to to get points on the Star Trek podcast.
Right, what you been doing?
I'm not going to say fuck all this week.
No.
I'm not going to say fuck all, but it really is fuck all, but I've actually watched a couple
of films.
They're not about monkeys, don't worry.
It's not space monkeys.
No, boring.
I'm just, what I want to say, and it's literally, I finished watching one of them last night,
is who would have thought in 2024 that Terminator 3, Terminator Salvation and Terminator Genesis
wouldn't be the shittest films of that series.
Right.
Because Terminator Dark Fate is utter trash.
Now I think we can all agree, and I'm pretty sure we all agree that Terminator 1 and 2
are near perfect films.
They didn't need to do any more.
Absolutely not.
No, didn't need to do any more films at all.
Then Terminator 3 came along and I've always been a firm person that said, if you go and
watch Terminator 3 for it to be a Terminator film, you will come away disappointed.
If you watch it as a little bit of sci-fi fun, you'll be fine.
I stand by that.
Then Terminator Salvation came along and it's like, well, you kind of have to watch this
as a Terminator film because it's so heavily into that story.
I don't think it's bad.
People slag it off.
I don't think it's too bad a film.
I think there's some genuinely clever moments in it, some great design ideas like the Terminator
motorbikes that they created for it.
I think it's pretty, pretty good for what it was.
Not the best.
Definitely not a mark on Terminator 1 or 2, but it was okay.
Then we got Terminator Genesis and it's like, now we're just remaking Terminator 2 with
younger actors.
Yeah, yeah.
I rewatched that last night and it's not as bad as I remember.
I sat and wondered, this isn't that bad.
Is that the one where it ends with them in the bunker?
No.
Terminator 3 is the one where, it's not Claire Danes, is it?
The female Terminator.
Yeah, Terminator 3 is the one with the female Terminator and Arnie and they end up in the
bunker at the end.
Yes, it is the one I'm thinking of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even that's got some brilliant moments.
It's got all the very early Terminators that they've created and they all look straight
up out of the 90s and 2000s and they look perfect because they're on tracks.
They've got big camera eyes rather than being the Terminator.
It's really clever.
Yes, that's how it would look in the early days.
Because that's the one that's saying you can't actually change the future.
Correct.
Salvation's the one that's set in the future and he's a Terminator but doesn't know he's
a Terminator.
Apparently in that as well, when he goes into the factory you see his human body.
Yes.
Yeah, I never picked that up.
I just saw it on Reddit the other day.
That was one of those movie details.
Yeah, it's just one of those things that they've nicely hidden in there.
Genesis has said it's Terminator 2 remade.
It's got Matt Smith from Doctor Who in it.
It's just not as bad as I thought it would be.
After watching it, I think this is probably the third time I've watched it now, it's not
as bad as people make out.
I mean, yeah, it's still not a mark on the other two.
The first two are obviously a million times better.
But as an enjoyable film with a Terminator-ish storyline, it's not bad.
The effects are pretty good.
It's enjoyable.
It's just Dark Fate then came along and I've watched that on purpose four times now.
I saw it at the cinema, I've seen it three times on Disney+, because I can't help but
think what am I missing because this is so shit.
I was going to say, like the other one, you're giving them a chance to watch that other one
three times and then watch this one four times.
You're giving them a chance.
If you don't like it after four times, I think you don't like the film, dude.
100% it's just not a good Terminator story, it's just not a good storyline at all.
It's just an attempt to recreate the franchise from scratch.
There's one thing in Dark Fate I liked and that's the new Terminator.
Like all the films, they come up with some sort of new Terminator.
And in this one, the new Terminator in Dark Fate is part liquid metal, part endoskeleton.
So that was quite cool because what they had was there's a couple of scenes where the liquid
Terminator drips off him, leaving his skeleton Terminator as kind of a drone doing something
while the liquid Terminator runs off and does and does something.
Really clever idea and it looked really nice on screen.
And this is the one where they have Arnie.
Arnie plays a draper.
Yeah, just like in his old cabin somewhere.
And his name is Carl.
That's it, yeah.
I have seen this, yeah.
And he has a wife and a child.
Yeah, well, I don't hear so.
It's not his child.
No, but it's just shockingly bad.
And is that meant, which Terminator is he meant to be?
Well, that's it.
He's...
What's the timeline?
Because the proper one dies in two.
So the proper one dies in two.
He is yet another one that's been sent back and kills John Connor because that's the very
beginning of the film.
He turns up, they're on the beach thinking that they've escaped it all and John Connor
gets blown away in a beach bar.
Oh God, I don't remember the beginning.
Yeah.
Oh, so this is the scenario where John Connor gets killed.
Yeah.
So John Connor dies in the beach bar.
So this is an alternate.
And wait for it.
The Terminator develops emotions because it no longer has orders to receive or do.
It's done its job.
And then over the years, it realises there must be something better to do.
And that's the entire storyline for Carl the fucking Terminator.
So this is an alternate timeline then, right?
Well, they're all alternate timelines.
So salvation, I'm not quite sure on Terminator 3 is...
Terminator 3 is technically a continuation from Terminator 2.
Well, I think 2 is a continuation from 1.
Yeah.
So 1, 2 and 3 are technically all continuations of each other.
So 3 is John Connor is older than he was in the second.
He's well aware of what's actually happened now and that it's all real and he's living
off the radar, off the grid.
4 is meant to be the future.
It could follow on, I guess.
Genesis, as I said, that is an alternate timeline sort of thing because what happens there is
they send them back in time.
They send Rhys back in time, but everything is different now.
So they've changed the fate and now it's all different.
And then yeah, Dark Fate must just be this ultimate alternate timeline.
So yeah, it is what it is.
It's just Dark Fate is poop.
Yeah.
So that's one film you've watched.
What's the other film you've watched?
No, that was it.
Okay.
That's all I've watched is a handful of the Terminator films and they're just not good.
I love the first and second one.
I'll tell you what I do have to watch.
I have to watch the Sarah, not the Sarah Jane, that's bloody Doctor Who, the Sarah Connor
Chronicles or whatever it was called, which is the TV series they did because apparently
that's phenomenal.
Yeah, I've heard it's good.
I don't know why we ever never watched it.
And that's going to be set before Terminator.
So that's before she goes in your Sanis Olam, I guess.
This is Terminator 1 territory.
Yeah, I'm guessing so.
I guess it's got to be something like that.
I don't know.
No, I don't.
I mean, we could look it up, but no.
Never mind.
What have I been doing?
More Walking Dead.
So we completely finished the series with Negan and the woman again, who I can't remember
her name of.
That was really good.
It was a slow starter though.
I've got to say it took three episodes and there's only six of them.
So you know, half the series before it actually got to a point was like, no, this is good
and I'm glad we got stuck with it.
So yeah, that was really good.
We've now got an episode of the Carol one that we can watch, but we wanted to finish
the Negan one first.
And there's definitely going to be a second series because it's like, you know, it's one
of those things where you're on the last episode and you're like, how are you going to finish
this in an hour?
You're clearly not going to be able to.
And yeah, they set up way more stuff.
You didn't fancy carrying on with Supernatural then.
We just haven't gone back to it.
The daunting realisation that you'll be heading towards.
What did we say?
Your fifties before you'd completed.
I did work out how many days it would take.
I think it's just because suddenly things actually came back on television again, because
everything we watch seems to all come out at once.
Right.
Okay.
So I think when we've done this, it'll then go back to, okay, we've got nothing to watch.
Then we'll pick up Supernatural again.
And aside from that, I played more Cart the Lamb again.
And I don't really want to spoil it, but I've completed the fifth boss.
And it's not the end of the game.
There's credits, but it is not the end of the game.
I have a feeling you're going to, and this is just, I'm guessing here, fifth boss, and
then it's going to turn out the one that resurrected you is a dick.
And then you end up having to be against him as well.
But they're pretty sweet, percentage wise, I think killing that boss puts you at 60%
complete of the game.
Oh wow.
Yeah.
There's a lot more to go.
Well, you know how I was getting coins from my totem?
Yeah.
I'm back to getting stuff again.
Oh.
Yeah.
Suddenly loads of doctrines have opened up.
Everything just started opening.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's actually that, or if there was an update to the game, because literally
I played it last week and my decorations thing was one kind of section of decorations.
Yeah.
Turned it on this week and now my decorations expands past three pages.
Yes.
So that might've been where you got level wise though.
Oh, right.
Okay.
It opens up.
Well, there's a Halloween stuff happening now.
Because there's a load of special one-off decorations that have appeared.
And then it's asked me if I'd do a blood moon thing.
Yeah.
So have you done that yet?
Yeah.
And have you collected the ghosts?
I'd collected one because I didn't realise there were any.
Yeah.
Same with me.
So you need to collect like five or six.
Right.
Okay.
And you get loads of stuff.
Oh.
And then you know you've done it all because then you just start to get the reputation
stuff, whatever it is.
Fine.
Okay.
Because I'm up to 15 followers now.
Yeah.
I'm 23, but I had to have 20 to open up the boss.
Right.
It's hard to manage that many.
I was going to say I'm finding it hard to manage 15.
Prolapse keeps wandering off and doing terrible things.
Yeah.
I started calling anyone that gets birthed in my place gets a name.
Yeah.
And they're things like poop face.
And it's all to do with poo or sex or sin.
Yeah.
Like, so the first one ever born was called the Lord of Sin.
And he has just died yesterday.
Oh.
Yeah.
That was shame.
I got Pat because he was an enforcer.
He had the halo because he was a disciple.
He was max level.
Yeah.
It was, it was a shame when he died.
And then I've got, um, what's the, I've got this close, um, Madam sex or something I've
called and that's the one I breed with loads.
But the thing is you can't breed, it knows who the parents are.
So you've got to be, you do have to mix it up because you could end up with having all
brothers and sisters and they won't make.
Yeah.
So you do have to be a bit careful.
That's cool that it's got the whole genetic thing thrown in there.
That's very well before I realized that when I started trying to make something like, Oh,
you can't make because that's your mom.
Right.
Okay.
It's a sin.
They're animals.
It's fine.
So the sin has gone down, not being quite so sinful because I'm taking up so much time
of making sure everyone's got bloody food.
Everyone's happy.
There's the fighting.
It's not so much fighting.
I haven't got time to get them drunk to fight because we're already fighting.
We all went and spent half an hour fishing the other day, then came back and everyone
was starving to death.
It's awful.
Fuck.
All the fish you just got, you got to give them.
I leave you for five fucking minutes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Half an hour.
Then I went and got stoned with the mushroom man.
But oh yeah.
The mushroom quests.
Yeah.
That's the whole thing.
Oh, that's definitely a thing.
Yeah.
I think that's it.
Yeah.
And still writing.
Nice.
Should we talk about Star Trek for a Star Trek podcast?
Let's do it.
Enter authorization code.
So we're just talking shit today.
We are talking shit.
I've got like a kind of questions from Adam.
Okay.
I did have some others in the email.
I can't find the older email with the questions.
I just could not find it.
So.
Okay.
Well, we will dig about them and do them another episode.
Luckily, I've bought you two things to do today.
Number one, did you see Paramount has announced section 31?
So I'd heard about it, not seen anything about it.
Okay.
Well, when you see the poster, you're just going to laugh and go, is this meant to be
a joke?
Okay.
Uh, and there's also a trailer.
Okay.
So we'll talk about that.
And then I've got, I decided I would put my Chewbacca, not too, yeah.
Chewbacca is Chewbacca.
Yeah.
I kept on saying Chewrock the other day in my head.
He's not fucking dinosaur hunter.
No.
But I'm going to put my Chewbacca big boy pants on.
Okay.
And I've got three missions for you to explain how you would handle them.
As Chewbacca or as me?
No, as you, I'm going to be Chewbacca and it's just like that last episode where he
was a dick to the staff.
So I'm the staff.
You are the staff.
Okay.
Wicked.
And I'm going to give you a mission and I'm going to let it play out and I'm going to,
you give me answers and then I'm going to see what happens next and so on.
As Chewbacca.
So you're going to be wrong.
Probably.
But I'm just going to be an asshole to be honest.
So let's watch this trailer then.
Michelle Yao.
Yeah.
Okay.
An emperor can only be loyal to duty.
Thus does the empire remain strong.
Trust me on this one.
I'm doing you a favour.
You're welcome.
So I'm sure I'm not the only one that was expecting section 31 to be a series, not a
straight to TV movie.
That's, that's a movie.
It's a straight to TV movie by Paramount.
It's a straight to VHS.
So I'm guessing they couldn't afford Michelle, what's her name?
Michelle Yao.
Michelle Yao for more than the movie.
Oscar winning actress, isn't she?
Exactly.
But I think you said it straight away actually in the very beginning of the trailer, just
after you get Michelle's first appearance, which is just literally her face, this is
misfit operation or something like that.
Something's just stupid.
Yeah.
And all I can think of is basically what you've done is you've canned lower decks and tried
to make a funny real life film.
That didn't look even remotely funny.
It looks like James Bond in fucking space.
And if you didn't, if you took away any Starfleet deltas, took away the word Star Trek, there
is nothing Star Trek about what I've just watched there.
I don't want to shit on it too much because trailers can always be shit, but that was
a shit trailer for a show that looks shit.
And I'm only going to watch it because it's Star Trek and Michelle Yao is in it.
But there was nothing in that that's actually made me go, oh yeah, that looks good.
Cause it fucking doesn't.
It doesn't look good.
I don't want to be that guy that slags it off, but it doesn't look good.
No, I'm going to be the guy that slags it off because I'm sorry.
There was nothing Star Trek about it.
It's from the Discovery era, which we all know isn't my favourite, although obviously
Strange New Worlds is pulling that back for me.
There's just nothing felt Star Trek about it.
It just looked like they were trying to create James Bond in space.
What the hell is the robot man wearing some sort of robot pre-borg sort of suit sort of
thing?
I think it's just, I don't think it's going for, what did you say?
It's going, it's trying to fill the void that Lower Decks is going to be.
Yeah, sorry.
It feels more to me like they're just doing another trying to be Star Trek versions of
Guardians of the Galaxy.
100%.
That's the vibe.
That was the trailer's vibe.
Like quick, like, doon, doon, doon.
Can we marvel Star Trek?
Funny bit, action, talking.
Funny bit, action, moody woman talking.
Right, a moody person, I don't want to sexualise it.
Funny bit, action, another person being moody.
Break up with fast paced bits.
Oh, funny quip, but not funny.
It just, ugh.
You're right.
The trailer could just be utter shite and the TV movie itself could be pretty good.
I just don't think it will be.
I think if you jump onto the internet now, and I know forums can be the cesspit of all
despair, let's not lie about that.
Most forums are gate caps and horrible places, but if you look at what Star Trek fans are
asking across the majority of them, none of them are asking for this.
None of them are asking for, oh, it would be really good to have a Discovery version
of Section 31.
No, what they're asking for is Star Trek Legacy, mainly, let's have a show about Seven being
captain.
Yeah, that would be fucking awesome.
Following on from the era of Picard, perfect.
Or, guess what, save lower decks.
I would, okay, so, I've already lost track of what I want to say because it's really,
I've just found that trailer really fucking annoying.
I really have lost train of thought.
I would really like to have the Seven of Nine series, I'd want it to be serious.
Like a serious series.
I felt Picard was pretty serious.
I'd like that to follow that.
Because I think Seven of Nine, although in Voyager, she was kind of a bit of an odd character,
she's serious.
And I think they kept that she's a very serious character in Picard.
I think they keep that.
And you've got something like lower decks to have your comedy interludes and stuff.
You don't need to have whatever this is.
Lower decks and Prodigy gave you all the comedy Star Trek needed.
It also gave you a good launch point for people that were new to Star Trek at a young age.
And it gave a good launch point for people that were new to Star Trek that were adults.
You could then move them onto any side of Star Trek because lower decks covered it all.
They covered Deep Space Nine.
They covered Voyager.
They covered the original series.
They covered the next generation.
They covered the movies.
They did it perfectly.
So you've got a brilliant jumping off point for an adult.
What's this going to give anyone other than a headache?
Maybe it's just my headcanon for Section 31.
I just don't see them like that.
I see them as very serious.
Like those serious but maybe have a little bit of a funny side.
Like those two time characters that we loved in the Deep Space Nine episode.
They weren't Section 31.
Or even if you're going to marvelise it.
You look at...
Now you've seen Deadpool and Wolverine.
The agents in that from the time people.
That is what you expect Section 31 to be.
It's be bureaucratic but they have significant power within the region that they're working
in.
Shield.
Shield exactly.
That's more of a...
That's probably how I see Section 31.
But when you see it's Section 31 where they're holding Data right in Picard.
That's a very proper secret place.
And this doesn't feel like that at all.
I know exactly what this feels like now.
You said Marvel and my brain just...
It wasn't working.
I know why it wasn't working now.
It's not Marvel.
It's fucking Suicide Squad.
Dude, that's what I was thinking in my head.
And you know what?
It's the Will Smith Suicide Squad.
Yeah, yeah.
That's exactly what that reminded me of.
Suicide Squad.
Exactly.
You are exactly right.
It's Star Trek Suicide Squad and it's not the good Suicide Squad.
Because I tell you what, the James Gunn Suicide Squad was fucking brilliant.
I loved that film.
And then I loved Peacemaker which came after it.
It was brilliant as a TV series.
We did just speaking about the Section 31 Picard.
Do you know how that links to the shit show episode that we just did?
No.
The location of it, it's actual star location, the point whatever numbers, is the same ones
that I told that Adam's character gets told to go live you at.
So there you go.
We kept it canon.
And we're not even real Star Trek.
This, god knows what it's going to do.
Because apparently one of the, I looked up, one of the characters is going to be Rachel
Garrett.
Rachel Garrett, if you don't remember, is going to be the captain of one of the Enterprise.
She'll be captain of the Enterprise C, which is the one that turns up in The Next Generation
that was lost during a Romulan war and ends up coming into space where the Enterprise
D is and they send it back with Yarr on board instead.
Futures Enterprise or something like that I think the episode is.
So they're trying to tie it, no.
Just don't fucking do it.
You know, I'd actually be more interested in finding out about Section 31 in the original
series, oh this is the original series era technically.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Because she, yeah, Michelle Yao.
Is from the Evil Empire basically.
Yeah, but she's not from the future.
She's in the, no.
Yeah, so she's in the TOS timeline, the original series timeline as the alternate to the captain
that watched her face killed.
Yeah, I'm just trying to think, I don't think she went through time with them.
No, she didn't.
Yeah, so she's still in.
She leaves the ship before they do all the timey wimey stuff.
So she is back in.
So it's just in that original, it's in Strange New Worlds era.
Yeah, which is why that's even worse still.
Yeah, because Strange New Worlds has been done brilliantly and guess what?
It fit a little bit of comedy in, it didn't try it over the top and it worked.
Because it's the camp comedy that we all know and love from all the other Star Trek's.
Well, it's no different in comedy and story to some of the TNG episodes that had a little
bit of humour injected into it.
Just that trailer's rubbed me up the wrong way.
Yeah, me too actually.
And Paramount just don't seem to be doing what the fans want.
They want lower decks kept, they want Star Trek legacy, whatever that might be, particularly
Seven as Captain.
That's it.
Yeah.
We don't want shit like this.
There's loads of stuff like this happening.
Just loads of it.
Accessing library computer data.
Right, so the lovely darling Adam Court.
Hi baby.
Hello darling.
From the Lightly Used Podcast, part of the Studio Channel 84 network.
Go listen now on all good podcast apps and the bad ones.
He sent us something and I'm just going to read it verbatim to you.
So Trek Q, maybe not show worthy, it is.
Everything he sends is show worthy.
Right, could a holodeck be run on or emulate a much older and limited version of their
versions for retro gaming?
I love that idea that there's like a retro gaming version of the holodeck.
Can you imagine?
You're on the Enterprise, you're going to the holodeck and you ask Data, how are you
coming on with the N64 emulator?
Nope, still can't get it running at full speed.
Even with all of the Enterprise.
Hang on, we're going to put the beta version up and then all of a sudden the combat goes
off.
Mr. Data, we've lost life support on the bridge.
Can you tell me what's going on?
Oh no.
We're drawing too much power.
Again.
I mean, what's the equivalent of retro gaming?
What would a retro holodeck be?
You have to go in in a suit, a haptic suit.
You have to walk in in a haptic suit.
You walk into a holodeck and it generates a Quest 3 around your head.
Yeah.
It gives you a headache of motion sickness.
No, what it is, you have to wear a haptic suit and then it gives you a bottle of gel
and that's the stuff you have to use.
It's like, please apply gel to section A312 of your haptic suit and then you're there
squeezing it onto your groin.
Nice.
Yeah, and you have your own canisters built into your suit.
After things like baseball machines to fire the balls at you when you're out doing baseball
still.
So you can see all the world.
You feel like you're actually there, but there's actually something firing a ball at you.
There were no safety controls in this era of virtual reality.
So you get hit by the ball.
Ow.
Or they're like missing frames and stuff.
I'll be Ryker in there about to have sex with someone who'd be on the bed and they'll be
like it, it, it, it, it, it, it.
Oh no.
Hang on.
The texture is not rendered in.
Is that pubes or just bad texture?
Oh, you bought the wrong one.
You didn't put the ram chip in.
Oh, you can't run this game.
Ram his chip in.
I love that idea though.
Yeah.
I love, or like it'll be everything you can drink as well.
Just taste the water.
It's just water.
I was going to say every drink tastes like water.
Yeah, exactly.
Every orifice feels like every other orifice because they just got one.
It's a water snake.
You've got to bring your own.
Yeah.
It's a universal capsule for your flesh light.
Yeah.
Big warning sign at the door.
Please do not share your virtual reality equipment with anyone else.
We do not accept cross contamination.
Please wipe down all services before.
Oh, I imagine what quarks would be like back in those days.
Oh, don't worry.
We've got our own.
Just use the, use the bars version.
Oh God.
I've given it a spit shine.
Yeah, that's kind of a bit like when you see them in like those films.
Oh, what's the, the one with the pre cogs.
Oh yeah.
The Oola poopy poopoo ladies.
Minority report.
Yeah.
He goes for a place on that doesn't he?
And they've got the little rooms and they're all like in little booths with VR stuff and
all the kinds of, yeah.
That's what it'd be like.
Or let's go back in further.
Johnny Monomic, which was Keanu Reeves.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
He's a transport who uploads stuff to his brain and then uses that capacity to go around.
Now here's one for you.
What was the film where they had the VR thing, but it was like a weird organic creature that
they plugged themselves into?
Oh, existence with a Z at the end.
Existence.
Yeah, that was it.
That's a good one.
Is that the actor Jude Law in that?
I think that is Jude Law.
Yes.
Very, very young man.
I always remember that.
That was always when I could never remember the name of it.
I remember the film quite vividly.
It was quite grim as well, wasn't it?
That looked horrible.
Yeah.
It was kind of, they were like stroke it because it was like had feelings and stuff.
So 1999 dimension picture, dimension films.
Oh, it was David Cronenberg.
That explains a hell of a lot.
Yeah.
Jude Law, Jennifer Jason Lee, Ian Holm.
So Bilbo Baggins, isn't it?
Willem Dafoe.
Christopher Eccleston.
Christopher Eccleston's in it.
Yeah, I had no idea.
I'll have to go back and watch that at some point.
Yeah, it's a weird film, that one.
Good but weird.
Lord, my one man.
Let's go back even further for like virtual reality.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Anyway.
I think that they should be a retro one.
Absolutely, they should.
Because that'd be fucking wicked.
Oh, and let's face it, you've got on Voyager, bloody Tom Paris going back, reliving black
and white 60s sci-fi TV series.
What was it?
Captain Proton or whatever it was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're telling me none of them would have gone back and gone, I wonder what the games
were like in the 90s.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Last question of his.
As there are numerous deep space stations, are there shallow space stations or would
shallow space presumably be around our solar system such as Galaxie and just called space
stations?
I think that's right.
I think that's the wrong way of thinking about it.
The deep space stations are, they got further away from Earth.
Yeah, that's what he's saying pretty much.
Is he, say it again.
As there are numerous deep space stations, are there shallow space stations or would
a shallow space possibly be around our solar system and just be called space stations?
Yes.
Sorry.
Okay.
Yeah.
So deep space stations were space stations set up at the furthest points that the Federation
had got to.
And then yeah, the others are just Federation star bases, I guess.
So they're within the territory that they'd already mapped out.
So I think they were just star bases and space stations.
But I like the idea of calling a shallow space station.
I like that.
But yeah, the deep space ones are funny because they crop up quite a lot in like TNG.
We're going to be passing deep space five.
We're going to dump you there or...
Well, there's at least nine of them.
Yeah, there's at least nine.
And one of them is not even their own bloody design.
Yeah.
It's not ours, but we're going to call it deep space nine, but it's not your space station.
It's called deep space nine.
But what are the Bajorans call it?
Deep space nine.
But it's not... whatever.
Just walk away.
Yeah.
You're the commander that punched Q in the face.
I'm not going to argue this because...
But it's called the Emblem of Peace.
No, no, no.
Deep space nine.
It's called a shithole and it'll be nice to call it deep space nine.
So those of you that listened in the last episode, Tuvok was a dick.
He put those recruits who didn't even want to be there in the first place into a no-win
situation.
Let's just start with a nice, easy mission.
Think about when we played Bridge Commander.
The very first mission is just like, get to this planet, pick something up and come back.
No, really easy.
Just warm you up before you... no, no, throw them into a death trap.
Make it your own version of the Kobayashi Maru and fuck them over.
Well, I'll be Tuvok.
I've got three missions.
You can choose mission one, mission two, or mission three.
And I'm just going to read what I've got here and you can explain how you will handle it.
And if I choose to, I might say what then happens next.
We'll see how it goes because I honestly don't know how this is going to go because this
is very much on the fly.
Okay, okay.
What about number one then?
You're going to go with mission one.
Picard is off on a shuttlecraft with Wesley again.
You're part of a non-cool shift, but you are in command.
So the non-cool shift are the ones that you never see the TV series about.
Yeah, okay.
So it's Geordi, Ryker, no, they're fucked off.
They're in this holodeck having sex with barkeepers and whatever.
A spaceship arrives and hails the Enterprise.
The alien has seven breasts, two mouths, and it blew from top to toe.
She is claiming that she is pregnant with Picard's baby.
Okay.
Oh, so now I go.
Now you take over.
Okay.
Okay, well, when did you see Picard?
Is he with you?
Are you going to...
I'm going to talk to her.
You're talking to her.
Okay.
I'm not going to immediately say that you're bullshitting.
I'm going to be, okay, well, you're going to need to prove that information.
He's not here.
We can't ask him.
So is he with you?
No, no.
We met a month and a half ago at an intergalactic, federation led ceremony, celebrating the rituals
and lives of Rigel Seven.
Could you tell me your name and all your credentials so I can actually check that please?
Yeah, my name is Barbara.
Is that what the translator gives me?
Barbara.
Yeah, my name is Barbara.
Name is something completely different.
The universal translator brings me Barbara.
And I am Chief Nursery Nurse to the Queen of the planet that I'm from, which I really
can't make up on the spot.
That will do.
Okay.
So I'm going to go put that in the computer and check that she was actually at this place.
Okay.
Pronouns?
I've said she.
Okay, she.
Right, sorry.
So where she's from and whether she was actually there and whether Picard was actually there.
So I'm putting that into the computer.
Now the fact is, even though you're the non-call kind of team, data is on the bridge.
So you can quickly do it this way.
Okay, data, just tell me then.
Data is always just awake basically.
Okay, well data will just tell me.
He's typed it all in and he can confirm that they were both at the same location at this
event.
Right, okay.
What does she want me to do about it exactly?
She is demanding that Picard either takes her to a clinic or...
For what?
Well, she would like him to merge with her again to finalise their lovemaking process,
which will then allow the baby to be born healthy.
Right, so it's like a two shot go.
Right, okay.
That's what she's saying.
Right, so data, can you give me information about the actual...
No, we've never visited this planet.
So we don't know who they are.
No, we just introduced them into the Federation.
It's one of these ones that we kind of just said we need to do a token planet, so we chose
them.
And can I communicate with Picard in any way?
No, he's off with Wesley and you know what they're like.
They're probably having sandwiches and tea and ignoring the transplonder.
Also, it would take a week to get a message to him.
Okay, then I'll have to politely tell this alien that we can't confirm any of this information.
Picard isn't available at the moment to speak to her and he'll be available at whatever
point of time that he is available.
Okay, so she stands up on the viewfinder, rams two fingers in tight of herself, pulls
out a giant lump of blue goo, sticks it in a pot and it's suddenly beamed in front of
you on the Enterprise.
Okay, that's fucking gross.
So this is a not...
She's now highly offended that you've said that's fucking gross to her.
She's put her shields up and weapons are charging.
No, I didn't say that.
I was thinking to you.
I'm sorry, but that's...
I did not say that.
No, I didn't.
She's weapons charged.
You need to bring this...
You need to calm this down.
Shields, shields, red alert, shields.
Oh no, she's now taking that as a threat of violence.
That's not violence, that's self-defense.
32 more of her ships have appeared out of nowhere.
Shields and weapons available.
What are you doing to get yourself out of this, Rob?
Well, has she beamed a half-fertilized fetus?
Is that what the blue stuff is?
No, I think it's just a DNA sample she's given you.
I was just...
I think that might be what it is.
Okay, I'm really sorry that I offended you.
I was just quite shocked.
This isn't me starting a fight with you.
This is just...
This is standard Starfleet procedure, as you know, as a new member of Starfleet, that when
somebody charges their weapons, we have to instantly go to red alert and raise our shields.
She says, we haven't read the book yet.
We really can't be bothered.
Again, we're the token race that you've just decided to somewhat invade and say we're part
of the Federation now.
Okay, well I'm...
Apology accepted.
Okay, thank you.
And may I suggest in the future you do actually read the manual, but for now we'll skip over
that small end of it.
Can I ask you what this stuff is that you've just beamed over to the ship?
Test it and it will prove that Picard was in me.
In you as in a sexual nature or did you absorb him?
Sex.
What you define as sex?
Yeah.
Okay, well who's the doctor on this ship?
Beverly is, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, go on.
No, let's wake Beverly up.
You've woken up Bev, who's a bit pissed off and is like, I don't even like your crew shift.
What are you doing?
Can you have a look at it?
I'm muted on the com, right?
Yeah, you're muted on the com.
Can you scan this blue fucking gunk?
That fucking alien's just sent over.
Right okay, so Bev has taken it away and scanned it and she's come back onto the bridge looking
upset and very worried.
Oh, I didn't really think about her relationship with Picard.
Okay, tell me what you found out.
Right, Captain Rob.
Is it full of spunk?
You have infected the entire ship with a deadly contagion.
You should have followed Starfleet Command, which is anything like this that's a biohazardous
thing it should have been immediately put into some sort of reciprocal that would have
been protected by a field and was not basically spread around the ship by the air conditioning
on the bridge.
Okay, so this is an Elixir cheese situation.
Somewhat, everyone is now going to die and sadly it's going to be within the next five
seconds.
Oh hang on, Data, why did you not stop me from doing this?
You fucking bitch.
And everyone on the Enterprise is dead.
So what we're going to take from that is you should not have allowed them to beam something
on board or you should have sent it straight back or you should have channeled your inner
Mr. Wharf and just fired torpedoes at her.
Oh fuck off.
No way would you have done that.
Well, that was how you could have won that scenario, but that's a shame.
I'm unfortunate.
Okay, right.
Okay.
Okay, Mr. Rob, you failed that first mission.
Would you like to do mission two or mission three?
Am I one of the Mackie's?
No, you're just a shit Starfleet Ensign.
Oh, I'm Ensign Rob.
Okay.
I'll guess go for number two.
I'll do them in the order that you wrote.
You are commanding Voyager.
You're still stranded in the Delta Quadrant and Janeway has buggered off to fuck Chakotay,
Jacoza even, or maybe go and get some coffee.
I'm not sure.
She's just off the bridge as normal.
Having a fag drinking coffee getting railed by Jacoza.
I forgot about this.
I only wrote this like two hours ago.
Okay.
A Bork cube appears.
A transwarp conduit appears.
Wait for it.
They have the air choice mother on board.
I want to give her back.
Ray Shields.
Ray Shields, you can't turn the phone for your shields.
Ray Shields.
Ray, alert.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Full warp.
And Parrish should get a full fucking warp.
The Bork cube is keeping up with you, Captain.
Just ignore them.
They've opened the haging frequency.
Or you can hear his choice mother saying, come back.
Pretend we've already been assimilated by the collective.
You said you were going to surrender and assimilate.
We're going to pretend.
Turn the...
Put us to green alert.
And we're just going to put our voices on.
Okay, so I'm going to ask the hail game.
Ready?
I'm asking.
Right.
Okay.
On the view screen.
Everything is now dark green.
The Bork have come to a stop while they're trying to work out what's actually going on.
This is Robicus9231A.
Why do you pursue...
Deanna Troy's mother is a fucking nightmare.
Please take her from us.
We cannot assimilate this bitch.
She will ruin us.
Negative.
Picard's virus had nothing on this one.
Negative.
She has tried to fuck 300 drones.
Negative.
Unfortunately, the Borg have worked out your field frequency and have boarded the ship without Deanna Troy's mother.
We are requesting asylum.
No.
Oh.
No.
We are on a secret mission from the Borg Queen.
The Borg drone can see that you're not a Borg.
They are on the bridge looking at you at this point.
I'm just going to keep up.
This is a Terminator situation. We're like new versions.
The Borg drone kills himself on your deck.
The voice comes over the view screen again.
We will continue killing ourselves until you take her.
Why do I fucking care if the Borg kill themselves?
Janeway did it.
Are you following the Janeway guide because genocide is okay?
Yes.
Well, successfully you completed this mission. Well done.
Yes.
Okay, Ensign, you've got one more mission.
Okay.
You're stranded on planet Anal Fisher 32.
It's Class M, but native race aren't happy that you've beamed into their religious erogenous zone.
You have lost contact with your ship and are commanding four red shirts.
The race are out for blood.
Okay. What are they going to do with the red shirts?
Fuck them. Kill them.
So I'll point out this is the original series era.
Okay. So what actually do they want the red shirts for?
Well, they're pissed off that you've landed in their religious sex zone basically.
Okay. Then I'm going to...
You can't communicate with the Enterprise. It's out of communication for the moment.
Who's with me?
You've got four red shirts that you're commanding.
Okay. I'm going to tell them to take off their red shirts and hand their red shirts over to them.
You've told your team to remove their red shirts.
This has made the native race sexually angry at them now.
Sexually angry?
They have never seen the skin of a human before and it aroused them and angered them.
Things are turning to the worse side of things now.
Okay.
Ent and Jimmy is now being raped.
Oh my God. Again. Well, you've still got your trousers on.
And Ent and Jimmy's dead.
Okay. Let me think.
Sorry. I took it too literally. I thought you literally wanted their red shirts.
Ent and Bob has now been pinned down.
Bob? Okay. No, I'm going to start...
Okay. We'll get our phasers out and start shooting them.
No. Sorry. They were connected to their red shirts and you threw them at them.
Well, mine aren't.
Ent and Bob's now dead.
No, I'm going to start shooting them to kill.
Ah, right. Okay. So you are now breaching the...
Oh God. What was it called?
Their firm bloody rule in the Federation and I can't bloody remember it.
The Prime Directive. There you go.
No, I think the Prime Directive is fine.
If they started fucking all of my crew to death, I'm allowed to open fire at this.
Yes, but this was your away mission and you chose to land in their sex religion zone.
I didn't know it was their sex originist zone.
Did you not bother reading the manual you were meant to have beforehand?
I delegate.
We did study this planet and you didn't seem to read any notes.
Well, I delegate. And why are my crew members not saying to me you can't park there?
Oh, Jimmy's now on the floor.
Well, I'm shooting him. I've already shot them.
Oh, Jimmy's dead. Is he?
No, I haven't shot Jimmy. I shot him.
You just shot Jimmy.
Jimmy. I shot him.
Oh God. It's you and Ent and Timmy now. What are you going to do?
I'm going to shoot everyone. Timmy is... I'm saving Timmy.
I'm going to fucking kill everyone here apart from Timmy.
Timmy was up at the top of the cliff. He was fine. He was safe.
He was trying to get contact with the Enterprise by banking an aerial
and you just shot him off a cliff.
You're not reading your notes or asking the questions you need to.
You've just killed an innocent man.
Right, fine. How would fucking two fuckers have done this?
Well, as it's the original series, I would have taken a leaf out of Kirk's book and fucked them.
Oh. I didn't think to just shag them.
Yeah, well, it's the original series and that's pretty much how Kirk got out of things.
He either used word salad or he had sex with them.
Oh, okay. Then I just...
You just killed your own team.
You made them strip in front of already horny religious people.
You made them strip down and then mercy killed them,
including one that didn't require a mercy killing.
Well, I think he just took my things too literally.
You need to be careful with what you say if you're in command, Ensign.
Ah, you're going to end up having to clean up all the gunk in the holosuite for this one.
Command functions are offline.
He's on his own, ladies and gents. I'm not doing it this week.
I'm not chipping in and helping him.
That's the only way he'll learn.
Throw him in the deep end.
That section needs a name and it's got to become a regular feature every now and again.
My face hurts. Oh my God.
That Deanna Troi one.
Deanna Troi's mother.
Oh my God.
Probably will end up as a mission in multiple ones of those.
Yeah, that was... Oh my God, my face.
Okay, so we are the Untitled Trek Show
and we are part of the Studio Channel 84 network of podcasts.
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Part of that network is us, obviously, and our other podcast that we both are in every other week
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We've also got the Who Takes Sauce Off with Simon and Ross
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It is for you directly.
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That's everything, I think.
That is everything. Well done.
Yay.
You can do it next week as well now.
Thanks, everyone. Hope you enjoyed the mess.
It was a fun episode, as much of a mess as it was.
That was a lot of fun. We went from angry to in pain from laughing.
Yeah. Great fun.
What would you do with Deanna Troye's mother?
Yeah, what would you do? Next week, Spock's Brain.
Spock's Brain, we're going the original series.
Original series, Spock's Brain, season three, episode one.
Sounds good.
See you at the Hollywood Work. Love you, everybody.
Love you. Bye.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to the Untitled Trek Show.
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