Data pad load complete.
Identity check confirmed. Beginning message playback.
With the ongoing ramifications of the recent events aboard the USS Shitshow,
plans have had to be brought forward outside of our current predicted models.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to awaken agents Tom and Rob
from deep psychoactive sleep. Bring them up to speed with the current mission brief.
Apprehend the anomaly and bring it to the rendezvous location at coordinates 2, 3.1, 7.4, 6.11.
If you or any other members of your SI team are caught or killed,
Starfleet will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
Good luck Agent Court. This data pad will self-destruct in five seconds.
Here we go again.
If it's not multi-dimensional squids and alternate timeline kidnappings,
it's warp-course smoke monsters and useless agents.
Tom, can you and Rob meet me in cargo bay 19?
I've got something I need to speak to you about.
Yeah sure, see you in a bit.
Right, where's that hypospray?
Ah, gross!
What the fuck mate, what's in that bo- it's st- what's in that bottle, it stinks!
Sausages.
What do you mean sausages? Is this sausage water? Have you sprayed us with sausage water?
Sausages.
Where did you get sausage water from? The replicator.
Sausages.
Oh, I get it, is this a game? Uh, okay, uh, bacon.
Oh, my turn, um, gammon.
Nice.
Sausages.
No, you've said that already.
Sausages, damn you!
I don't think he knows the rules.
Oh, I don't think he does either.
Why isn't it working? Instructions were easy enough, spray them with the activation silica, declare them awakening word, it should work.
You're going to need to speak up.
Yeah, it's rude to whisper.
You're both seriously telling me you don't remember anything.
You're gonna have to be way more specific than that.
Starfleet Intelligence mean anything to you. V, Commander Rho Loran. Bangs ringing any bells?
Oh, I know what bell is.
Yeah, Rob has plenty of the Starfleet, but not much of the Intelligence, if you know what I mean.
We know what it is, but we've no idea who they are. I'm failing to see what this has to do with us.
Just another daily office.
Right, to put this bluntly, you two aren't who you think you are.
Aren't we?
No, you aren't.
Oh, not a changing, am I? Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit. Tom, Tom, I'm a fucking changing, I'm a fucking changing.
Uh, don't tell the Captain, he's gonna have me killed. Tom, Tom, Tom, you've got to hide me, hide me, hide me.
Shit, shit, shit. Okay, look, um, let's get you to my courses, there we can grab my go-bag.
You got a go-bag?
Yeah, zombies.
Ah, of course.
Shut up, you idiots. Rob, you're not a changeling.
Oh, thank God.
Shit, then I must be the changing.
Ah!
No one's a changeling!
Oh, phew. Shouldn't go around telling people they're changelings, Adam.
Yeah, seriously, that's, that's not cool. Especially when we're on our way to our interview.
Fuck the interviews, this is important.
It mightn't be important to you, Mr. Everyone's Favourite Ensign, but I'm fed up with clearing up spunk from Deck 19.
Me too. I'm just, loads of upper deck promotions have opened up after last month's multi-dimensional disturbances.
You mean deaths?
Mmm, yeah, I was just trying to be polite.
Ah, no, sorry, of course, of course, no, no, sorry for interrupting.
That's not a problem, mate. Thank you for trying to correct me, though. It's good that we have this kind of relationship.
Anytime, anytime, you know, we only have each other after all.
Bloody hell, you two are annoying.
Moody.
Yes, I'm moody. You've got no idea what's going on, do you? You two are supposed to be helping me.
Bot.
Bloody vacuum bots, why are there so many of them? They're all over the damn place. You can't move for the fucking things.
This is what we're saying. The ship has lost so many crew members that they've had to resort to the cleaning bots to cover positions of all the lower deck ensigns that have been promoted.
Exactly, and we want in on some of that sweet, sweet upper decks bunk space.
Guys, seriously, I need to speak to you about the anomaly.
Not you as well.
Rob's already said sorry. Don't you start on him as well.
I'm not. I mean, I need you guys to help.
Ensign Cort, you are requested urgently on the bridge to assist docking procedures to Deep Space Nine. Please attend your station immediately.
I haven't got time for this.
Off you go then, favorite boy.
Look, meet me back here after your interviews.
Yeah, no problem.
We aren't really meeting him back here, are we?
Fuck no.
Oh, sorry little guy, I'll get out of your way.
God, those things are so cute.
You see, Ensign Sox has been putting googly eyes on them.
That was him, that's hilarious.
Get the fuck out of my way. Go on, fuck off.
Please sir, just calm down.
What the hell?
Calm down.
Don't fucking tell me to fucking calm down.
You jumped up, triple-rimming, ponty fucking Starfleet cunt.
Sir, seriously, there is no need for this. I'm sure this is just a big misunderstanding.
The only misunderstanding here, Captain Cunt, is you're trying to park that piece of shit, Starfleet nonspebil, in my bay.
Sir, we have special permission from Admiral Chesters and Captain Sisko to dock in this bay.
Oh, fuck Captain Sisko. Fuck Admiral Chesters and fuck you.
Computer, mute communication.
Affirmative.
Don't you fuck.
You requested my presence, Captain.
Ah, Ensign Cawt, yes. Take over comms. We are still awaiting a replacement for Lieutenant Lujans and this wanker's doing my head in.
Of course sir.
Computer, unmute communications.
Affirmative.
You arrived dry-hunted, bog spit-roasted, majoram-fondling, Ferengi dressing, non-vainozoid-eating cum-duzzler.
You press that fucking mute button again, I'll come over to that tit-can, you call the fucking shit, and smack you to death with a wedding.
And for good measure, I'll get my last bottle of Chateau Picard 2386 and shove it right up your shit-shoe.
Bloody hell.
Who the fuck are you? Where's your noncy captain?
Captain Telfer has requested I take over any further communications with you.
Oh, of course he has. Pussy, my bad, Captain Pussy.
Quite. Now, I can see from your docking request's transit data you've come quite a long way. Before Nebula, if I'm correct.
What gives it away? All the fucking scratches on my hull? That's not gonna take it out, mate.
More of a space-whaley jaculet seeping from your arse torpedo launcher bay.
Yeah, those balls have been hanging around for a while now. Pony bastards won't leave. Did you know one's slightly bigger than the other?
Yeah, we're familiar with Paul and Edie. Never mind.
Back to the matter in hand, I can see you're requesting access to docking in sector Charlie, quadrant 17, Alpha 3. Isn't that correct?
Oh, for fuck's sake, you know it is, you knobjockey.
Well, I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but the USS Shit-Cho's now been assigned that bay. As you can see here on our DS9 docking permit certificate.
I don't give a fuck what that certificate says. This is my spot. It's always been my spot.
It was my spot last time, and it was my spot the time before that. So now I've moved that piece of shit tugboat you call a spaceship, get the fuck out of my way.
Why don't you go and fuck first contact up in some distant star system? Or better still, roll out that certificate and shut up your fucking arse.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
Oh, cry me a river. The little bitch boy's had enough. Whatcha gonna do about it?
Good question. I can't afford the choices.
Erm, Ensign, what are you doing?
I've had enough of this pussy-footin' around.
Armed.
Weapon systems controls transferred to comm station. Command override Archimedes. Code 101001 Omega.
Fuck ye dickface. I've had enough of this ballbag.
Weapon systems online.
Ensign?
Woah, weapon systems online. Have your balls distraught.
Captain, they've activated their weapon systems.
Raise shields. Go to red alert. Ensign Corp, what the bloody hell are you doing?
Lieutenant Wolfe, get back control of the weapon system. Adam, stand down.
Fuck this ship. Fuck this assignment. And fuck your parking spot.
Ha ha ha. That's the spirit.
Security to the bridge.
Firing photon torpedoes. Full spread.
Ha ha ha. Yes. Yes. This is what it's all about. This is living. Ha ha. You win. Ha ha ha. You win.
Wait. What in the actual fucks?
That was a direct hit. How has his ship not been blown into a million pieces?
Holograms, Captain.
Weapon systems returned to tactical station.
Holograms? You didn't think to tell me? Well I needed you to sound authentic, Captain.
Get the fuck off my bridge.
Sir? Ha ha ha. We can be friends. Ha ha ha. The bay is yours. Ha ha ha. I love that guy. Ha ha ha.
Let me in.
Huh? What?
Let me in.
Is it that?
I got a gun.
Let me in. Huh? What? Let me in. He said that. I can help you. I can make you strong. Strong?
You want to be strong, don't you? Who's there?
I can help you. I can give you everything you want.
Is this a dream?
Yes. Yes. Just let me in. And I can give you everything you ever wanted.
Everything I've ever wanted? Even the promotion?
Of course.
But what about my friends? I can't leave the lower decks without them. We've always said together or not at all.
Your friends don't care about you.
Now I know this is a dream. My friends love me. I'm like super cute and stuff.
They hate you, oh. Adam despises you. He thinks you are lazy.
Yeah, I can be a bit lazy.
Simon thinks you are a joke.
Still, I'm far off. It's all about perspective, I guess.
Tom said you were dumb and not funny.
What the fuck? I'm well funny.
Yes. See? He told me so. He goes around all the time saying not funny about the wanker.
Wanker?
Not funny about the wanker of Wanktown. Biggest wanker. Whoever wanted a wank.
You know, that does sound like something he'd say.
He said you're not funny enough for the promotion. You weren't worthy of it.
You bastard.
Let me help you.
How?
Let me in.
Are you in? What? Like a door?
You could say that.
Computer, open the door.
Affirmative.
Where are you?
Idiot.
That's not nice.
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce him.
And I'm meant to be the dumb one.
Tom, sorry to wake you. Can you meet me in Hangar Bay 3? I need to talk to you.
I'm going to go.
Ahoy hoy.
Hello.
How's it going?
Yeah, not bad mate, how are you?
Good, well, good. Alright, I suppose. Still coughing.
I'm going to say, even though I've not heard it yet, that was an amazing USS Shit Show.
Yeah, thanks mate.
I know it's going to be good. I've seen the edit work you've done on it so far.
It's not finished yet.
It's going to have been beautiful.
It's a four scene masterpiece.
It's going to be, everyone that's just listened to it are going to be going, wow.
Well, they haven't heard it all because it's stuff at the end.
Oh, is there now?
First three, I'm saying this now because I'm editing it, but I don't know how I'm going to put it together. I have to cut this out.
First three scenes at the start, fourth scenes at the end.
Make sure you listen to the end then ladies and gentlemen.
And remember, you always listen till the pip.
Absolutely.
Gordon Brother, what have you been up to?
Fuck all. Work, work, more work. I've seen no sci-fi.
I've been watching really happy stuff on TV.
Law and Order Special Victims Unit. So really happy stuff.
But you've got me addicted to Cult of Lamb.
I am pretty much addicted to it at the moment.
My little lamb running around, butchering everything it can.
Would you like to tell the listeners what you've named all of your characters?
Because you get little villages and you can rename them.
So at the moment I have Prick, Cunt, Jizz, Chlamydia, Anus, Cumbucket.
I can't think of the other names now.
Anus died recently, by the way.
He was an old horse that I adopted from someone else's clan.
Oh, yeah.
And I said, of course I'll have him.
Then he died and everyone was sad, so I took up the ritual to perform a funeral.
And everyone was happy again.
I've got a funeral ritual. Oh, I haven't got a funeral.
I went for the funeral ritual to bring up my happiness sort of raising, my faith raising, which it did quite well.
What was the opposite to that? Was it sacrifice?
Sacrifice.
Yeah, I took sacrifice.
Yeah, I've got that one now as well.
Okay, right. Yeah, it's good to see. I took sacrifice.
And I just dumped their bodies unceremoniously in the ground.
Oh, yeah. I've got body holes.
Do you prepare the body?
Because you can just take the meat off them.
Can you?
Yes, you can even prepare the body.
I haven't took the meat off them yet because there's always a crowd of them around.
Because you use the the follower meat and stuff to do rituals.
Oh, that's why I had a cannibal thing come up.
So I must have done that by mistake in front of all of them because cooking, it was like cannibal special or something.
Oh, no. Yeah. One of the meals is you can give them follower meat.
Yeah, I accidentally did that. Sorry.
But I'm also quite impressed that I've managed to find two necklaces already.
So one of my followers just never sleeps.
Yeah, one of them is always now happy.
Yeah.
And oh, what was the other thing?
And I don't know what I've done, but one of my followers only does golden or...
Poos.
White turds.
Yeah.
Yeah. And they give me like the best berry bushes.
So I'm looking after those ones.
I just got two that they do a kind of a weird golden poo that when you pick it up, loads of coins drop on the floor.
Is that that one?
Yeah. But then I can use that as the fertilizer on the farm.
And then you get golden berries and lots of money from that too, which I thought was quite cool.
Do you? I did not know that.
Yeah, you get special berries and money from those ones.
Right. Okay.
And then, of course, Prick's a dissident.
What a prick.
After making Chlamydia eat poo.
Twice. I'll have you know.
Yeah. I've got one that does that.
He then became a dissident.
So at the moment, I'm just waiting for sacrifice to cool down so I can sacrifice him for the good of the many.
Yeah. Well, has he actually left you though? Because he's gone then.
No, no. He's walking around at the moment with his little red diamond.
Oh, yes. So I've got the stocks.
I don't have any of that. I haven't got enough wood to build anything.
So it's like, god damn it, I need to build them a toilet because they're shitting everywhere, which is causing me a problem with sickness.
So what do I do? So I'll just keep educating him every day, waiting for rituals come on out of cooldown so I can just call everyone in and just say, kill him.
Yeah, he's gone.
I've taught you about it, ladies and gents. I've taught you all. You're fine with this. And they are. And it will give me a good faith boost.
Yeah. People should play this. It's on pretty much everything. Xbox, PlayStation, Switch, computer.
100 percent. In fact, on a Switch, I put it's amazing. Yeah, it'd be fun on the Switch.
Portable. Oh, I might have to do that. I might just have to start again and do it on the Switch.
Yeah, because we've got it through the PlayStation Plus. You'd have to buy it, obviously, because I don't think the internet's got anything like that, does it?
True. I'll just leave it on the PlayStation then. But that's it.
I have watched some stuff.
But not Supernatural.
Still not Supernatural. I've not gone back to it.
Oh. I know. Sorry to disappoint you all. We've been watching the second series of Interview with the Vampire.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
If you remember, I was writing reviews for every episode of season one. I didn't bother this time.
So we're about 15 minutes into the last episode of season two. We've binged it over the last few days. It's so fucking good.
It's nowhere near as brutal and gory as season one was. There's so much shock factor in series one. But I think that's because Lestat... Have you seen the film?
No.
So Lestat in the films is played by Tom Cruise. His character is really fucked up. And he makes Louis, who is Brad Pitt's character in the films.
Don't ask me who the actors are in the series. I don't know. But oh my God, that dog's fucking rotten far.
Have you shit yourself first with your dog?
No, that is so bad, Link.
I was going to go, oh, this is... I'm painted.
That's gross. Right. Sorry, everyone. Don't think you can smell it. It's just completely sidetracked us. Rotten.
Dirty boy.
Yeah. So Lestat is in season one way more. So there's the brutality comes because of him and his character. And then he's not in season two so much.
It's more Louis and his relationship with another character.
Rise. Okay.
But it's really, really good. Really, really good. I'm really interested to see how it's going to end because it's kind of getting to the point of what happens in the end of the film.
So apparently they've got another season. I don't know what there's going to be in it. But the books go on forever.
Oh, I was going to say it's probably just continuation.
From my understanding, someone can correct me who knows, the interview with the vampire film is only based on like one book from my understanding. And then there's loads of books all about Lestat.
Oh.
So Lestat, however you're supposed to pronounce his name. Yeah. So we've been watching that. It's really, really, really, really good. I think Deadpool Wolverine is out now.
First of October it came out. So you've got to get on that.
So we'll finish watching this and I think we'll go on to that. So as of recording, it's the second of October, Wednesday. So might get a chance to watch it tomorrow from the editing.
Other than that, that's actually it really. We've been watching that. I've been playing Cult of the Lamb like you. Throne and Liberty came out yesterday. So SideQuest Mark and I played that a little bit.
It's an MMO. Free to play on the computer. That's it really. More games than anything.
That's what I've been playing more games than anything. But then again, I'm just saying, thinking, sorry, not saying, I'm just looking here. I've got three films booked.
Oh cool.
I've got on Friday at 7.45, Zombieland, 15th anniversary.
Yeah, you said this last time. Yeah.
Then that's coming up. Good.
17th of October, Smile 2.
Oh God.
I quite liked the first one in a cheesy horror way it was.
I enjoyed it. I found it quite scary.
It was disturbing. So I'm looking forward to it. And then 25th of October, A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Yes. I really want to hear what you think of that.
It's only £5. Well, I've got my Sydney World card anyway, but they're horror season. Apparently it's £5 tickets.
That's really good. It's kind of how much the price should be.
Yeah.
Come at me.
Enter authorization code.
No. You've got to do the lower decks theme and you can't think of it, can you?
No, I just watched it literally half an hour ago.
Yeah. Oh, the first thing I've got to say then. It's a Voyager heavy episode.
Yeah.
Why I think they should have done a special animated intro in the style of the Voyager with the Cerritos instead.
You know, like they did with Strange New World. They should have done that for this episode to have it as Cerita going through the Voyager thing and fucking up the whole Voyager one instead.
That was one of the best intros ever, that Strange New World when they did the lower decks intro.
It was genius. So good. So good.
Season four, episode one of lower decks, two vics. I had a crisis, as I told you, off of air that I suddenly started watching. I was like, shit, we've done this. We've done this. But no, we did two vics.
We did. Two vics.
The actual Voyager episode, not two vics. And also we spoke about this episode when we did the lower decks special.
We did.
So I might go over that slightly, but never mind, who cares.
I'm a little bit sad to say I realised I never finished this series.
Season four.
I got four episodes in from the look of it and I've not watched the rest of the season.
You know, I got four episodes in and it was ages before I went back to it, but I have finished it now.
I'm going to go back to it now because I forgot how good it was. So it's just so much must have been going on. We were doing so many things. I think Helldivers had kicked in as well.
And that was my spare time gone. So that's what I'm going to blame it on. Not that the show was bad. It was just more that something else came along and my brain went, oh, look, a squirrel.
We did go for a very busy time with all this stuff too.
Yeah, this too. That's true. So yeah, I am going to go back and watch them. This one I had seen though.
Yeah. I'm rewatching it. I love it.
Was this the one that we saw?
This is the one we saw at the specials.
Yeah. So we have said that before. We went to a special. I lied to you, I lied for 10, like we were invited, but you just saw the tickets and we went.
One day, Paramount William will be back. One day.
They won't.
You know what I like about Lower Decks?
The ship parts are all like 3D graphics, but made to look like they're not. And they do that so fucking well. You can see in the intro, and this episode was quite heavy with them when you see that Voyager and stuff.
It's just a really neat little thing that they do.
It's funny how things have changed with that as well because you can see it clearly, and obviously you need to be a fan of this, Family Guy. You look at the early series of Family Guy and it's just flat on screen animation done traditionally, kind of Simpsons, you name it.
That's how it's done. And then as the seasons progress, you get more of this, hang on, is that? That's 3D now, but it's been painted to look 2D.
Yeah.
It seems to be a technique that's been introduced maybe the past 10 years?
I didn't really notice it until today. In the intro, when the ship's going past and it's got the big creature attached to it, the creature's flat 2D image attached to the 3D ship.
And when you see it, you're like, oh, it looks kind of funny, but kind of works at the same time. They haven't 3D modeled the monster. They've drawn the monster.
Okay, I noticed that. I like that.
Have a look next time.
Yeah, I will do.
So what's this episode about? They get sent on a classified mission, don't they? And turns out the classified mission is to...
Nothing to do with the Romulans? Just point out?
No, as they keep saying, we don't need to do with the Romulans. It's to escort a fly voyager somewhere to Earth.
Back to Earth. So it can be on the ground on Earth before it's put into the Starship Museum in space. It's going to be on the ground for a little while and then it's going to be put back into space to be part of the Starfleet Museum.
Yeah. And that's... they managed to fuck it up.
Oh boy. Is it their fault?
I don't think at any point it is anyone's fault.
It's never anyone's fault. They didn't clean up. Macrovirus escaped. Absolutely the person who was cleaning up's job. Not the USS Cerritos crew.
Yeah, not Boimler's fault.
Not Boimler, no.
Who's great in this episode?
All of them are.
I think every single one is really good.
Mariner exploding when it's like, oh my god, it's Voyager. We're doing a Voyager thing. It's just brilliant.
Yeah, I think that's how I felt in the cinema when we were watching it.
Yeah, I think everyone in that room felt that way.
And it's one of those things where you notice little bits that you didn't notice the first time around.
I would have liked to see more labels because the very first thing you see is when they're going through Voyager, they're in what starts off as Captain Janeway's private room that Neelix turns into the canteen, doesn't he?
And they've got the Neelix doll there and then there's one label and the label just says the recipes of Chef Neelix. But all the other labels you see throughout it, I didn't see any others that actually you could read.
I like that scene because they were putting the little bowls of food out. Someone put a vat of food out and he sniffed it and was like, bleh.
It's like everyone knows. Did you notice all the mannequins were different members of the crew?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the one on the brisket he keeps knocking over is Kim. Dirty Kim.
Yeah, dirty Kim. Yeah, that was just little neat touches like that. If you hadn't for whatever reason never seen Voyager, the episode probably would have been very confusing for you.
But all the little bits wouldn't have made sense.
No, and that's talking about the mannequins. Why didn't you just go for like lifelike mannequins? Instead they're all this generic mannequin shape, but they've got the hairstyles of the crew. So apparently we all know the hairstyles more than we do the crew.
That's it. I do want to, because they talk about a few times about the Neelix cheese in this episode.
Neelix cheese.
I don't want to watch the episode because I'm struggling to remember that episode.
I can't remember it.
So I think at some point we're going to have to do the Neelix cheese.
Maybe that'll be the next episode then.
Yeah, maybe. We haven't chosen one have we?
Yeah, there's all these little things of, you know, the Vulcan girl says this ship smells like Borg.
Yes.
Which is great. Someone just say it was so funny.
Where are we at? Yeah, smells like Borg. They've got the, you know, they push the thing and of course there's the Orchid.
There was a moment when I'd seen the episode twice before, maybe three times before, I was like why don't they just teleport that like we did in the shit show, like the whole joke of it. Of course the Orchid's on there.
The Orchid is there.
Yeah, it's just so funny.
I know I keep saying this, but the whole episode is funny. There's not one bit of it that's dry or quiet. It's funny.
And it's very fast paced.
It is.
Not in a bad way.
And it's because it's got two distinct storylines going on. You've got Void getting more and more fucked up as it goes. And then you've got the Tuvik side of the story.
Yeah.
So how do you want to do this episode?
I think maybe this one we do kind of just go through it because it's very short.
Accessing library computer data.
We've already done it because we know where they're going. We've had Mariner be really excited. On multiple occasions they've said I hope it's not a Romulan thing.
I thought that was just very funny. It didn't deserve to, it didn't need to be, it wasn't really funny, but it's just funny how everyone's going I hope it's not a Romulan thing. I hate the Romulans.
Yeah, Mariner says it right at the beginning when Boimler says what his first job of the day is.
Holodeck waste duty. The thing that we have gone back to many times now on the Untitled Trek show. Holodeck waste duty.
And the folk, and I can't remember her name, says you are going to smell absolutely disgusting laser. Thanks.
And you will do because when he's doing the holodeck canons he drops one.
And gets that green thick gip on the frizz.
I love how Ransom just walks in and is like, promotions today, as long as nothing goes wrong you're going to be absolutely fine. And then there's just a little quiet voice.
It always goes wrong. Yeah, it's one of those things where it would all have been fine if that seed hadn't been planted. I think because that seed had been planted in his head he was then questioning every single decision he was making and then that...
Self deprecating himself.
He just fucked himself up the whole time.
Self, self sabotage. Self sabotage. That's the word I was trying to think of.
They kind of get there, they meet the guy who is running the ship, the Voyager thing. He's a weird character.
Yeah, sorry for keeping it secret but we've been doing our best and the final pieces were delivered. I'd love to know where they ordered them from.
Yeah.
Do you just order those bits or were they just found in some warehouse or are they not even parts of Voyager that you just found because it's from a sister ship maybe? I don't know.
I've quite got into the whole idea that there's these entire places like Geordi has the Enterprise hidden away, this bloke's got Voyager hidden away and they're just doing their best to make it look like it was. I really quite like that.
What does it tell you about the logistics in Star Trek Universe that these ships can go missing? Yeah. Angerly things can happen to them.
Then we've had the intro and we said it would be nice to have had a Voyager-ish one with the Cerritos just fucking it up. Would have been quite funny but that's just me.
And then you've got Rutherford just sticking his hand in the bio-packs going, I just wanted to see how it works. It's just sparking away.
Yeah, I mean he's a great character as well all the way through. I'm going to keep saying that but there isn't a single character in there that isn't funny, isn't good.
No, there's not a character I don't like at all. Even the ones you're not meant to like. Like Badgey. Yeah.
And Peanut Hamper. Great Baddies. Peanut Hamper, yeah. She's not in this one but yeah. Fucking hell.
We have a really aggressive, I'm so bad with names, a Dr Cat. Oh, Dr Paul.
Yes. Dr Paul's in this would be completely different. Tian. Yeah, we see her as herself very briefly. She looks really dishevelled more than normal.
I love it. And she's really aggressive to that guy who's asking if she wants to take a teleportation.
Oh yeah, he's like, yeah, do you want me to teleport you back? And he's like, of course. Why not?
Yeah. And then of course the little petal that fell off the orchid and we saw its little journey when it fell off its little, fell out of its tub, lands in his pocket beautifully and they get teleported and then.
So it's Billups, isn't it? Tillips. No, no, Billups is the one that. Oh Billups, yeah. Yeah, is the one doing the transport and it's him and Dr Tian that get merged to start with.
And they turn into Tillips. Sorry. Tillip. I'm just going to sidetrack it. Moran has been texting me this whole time. Would you like me to tell you the text messages? Go on.
There's loads of police out the front. They're raiding a house. They've just arrested someone. No. Right out there. Should we go have a look? Pause the recording. Pause the recording.
That's a bit of excitement, wasn't it? It was. The rosters are outside. With the old Bill out there. Right. So hang on. Where were we up to? So yeah, so they've just been turned into two vix. To Tillips. Tillips, sorry.
And I love the fact that basically the museum custodian says, oh, this has happened before. And she just says, look, we can manage this. You get Voyage of Atasworth. Just send me Catherine Draven.
Catherine Draven. Such a good running joke. She just sends it to her. Cause Mariner goes straight away, doesn't she? How did they, oh yeah, Mariner says straight away, does she? Janeway just straight up killed them.
And then Ransom walks into the office. So how did Janeway do it? She just straight up killed them. She just killed him. Yeah. We can't do this. And then because obviously, no, it's Jackson comes in. Oh, it's Jackson. Yeah.
Cause then he's like, yeah, but we're not stuck in the Alpha Quadrant. We're not stuck in the Delta Quadrant. We can just go to Earth. Brilliant. So yeah, so we're going to take you to Earth. But of course, Tillips has already also had the same idea.
It literally cuts to him looking at the band of the porters. What? I'm not going to die. I always say he's got stuff hidden around. He's got stuff hidden in the ceiling ready.
Oh yeah. He builds this hole, he integrates a teleporter into his quarters, doesn't he? Yeah. But did you, I can't remember if it's this bit or later. They're on the bridge and they discover the weird germ, the macro virus thing, which sounds small, but it's such a giant thing with a huge goo spewing pincer coming out of his mouth trying to get Boimler.
And then they all start chasing it around because it separates and like, oh, block the doors. I just love the fact that he said, what's it going to do to me? It's like, everyone's been vaccinated. It's nothing. It's like, how can you vaccinate something this big?
It's a face crab from Half Life or from Alien, like trying to get on your face. It's like, what?
But yeah, then he drops, doesn't he? As they come towards him and he's like, Boimler, you let it get away. It's a really good scene because the camera's like behind Boimler and it's looking into the bridge and everyone is stood there looking at him like, come on.
Like really like anywhere then would have stopped. And then Ransom running past him going, I've got serious doubts about that promotion now. Boimler, get in here. This is your problem.
Yeah. They had a, I really liked the scene as well with Ransom and the pig man.
Oh, I've got that down here. Did you write it down? Well done.
Yeah. Timber is arms wide as I ransom answers him in that land bridge.
It's a merriam.
Yeah, I was paying attention.
Yeah, I paid attention. Yeah.
Because the other words are basically is like fist bump. Yeah. Yeah, I was paying attention. It's brilliant. It was a great, absolutely brilliant that someone has bothered to learn to marry.
Yeah. And then they get, we get a pike comment. They do a little throwback.
Of course, it says, it's like that pike thing we can't talk about.
Yeah. Which is a nice nods that places this episode after the, the one in Strangely Wells. And then we get to see a great bit in with a new doctor. You obviously one of the other doctors and they talk about what's happened.
Would you like to know what he says? I wrote down what he says.
Yeah, go for it.
He says they symbiogenetically merged on a cellular level. It's quite low level Trek wording.
But that is exactly the word they use in Tuvix. Yep, because that is the exact phrase that I made Simon say.
It is.
And they said, oh, we call it being Tuvix'd.
Yeah, we call it.
The picture they've got demonstrating it.
I wrote that down too.
You've got the Vulcan, you've got a Tuvok stood there very high and then you've got Nelix doing a little.
A jolting little dance. Yeah, yeah. I've written that as well.
That was such a beautiful little thing. Nelix doing this little, little Irish jigsaw dance.
Let's do a babe coughing, terrible.
Oh, it was absolutely wonderful. Yeah, I've got Nelix pictures doing a jig.
Yeah, I've got, I've got love the jolly stance Nelix has on the computer. It's a jaunty jig.
Yeah, there you go. But yeah, that's the one. Yeah, we call it being Tuvix'd.
So it makes you question how many times has this happened since?
Yeah, exactly, exactly. But now everything really starts going wrong because the green thing is spunking everywhere and setting everything off.
And then we get. Well, the Borg thing, then it goes into the Borg area of the.
We get the holograms first. Oh, yes, we get the holograms first.
Do you remember the names of the three holograms?
The Clown, Chaotica. Chaotica, yeah. And the one I don't get. Thomas. Michael.
Oh, Michael Anderson. Michael Sullivan. Michael Sullivan.
Mr. Anderson on the Matrix. I don't know what episode he's from.
It must be one where Janeway cheats on her husband with him, maybe. I don't know.
Well, if you're in the Delta Quadrant, you've got to get some holographic dick.
Someone's got to clean up the vials of it, for God's sake. Oh, there you go.
Right. Michael Sullivan was a character in Tom Paris's holodeck program Paris 042.
In it, Sullivan owned Sullivan's Public House, a town pub in 19th century Fairhaven Island.
So who shags him? Well, that's what I was just wondering.
Sullivan was transported off the holodeck using the doctor's mobile emitter, because of course,
Janeway explains to him about Voyager and they both return to the holodeck.
Sullivan calmed the townspeople down and convinced them that the Voyager crew meant no harm.
The program was shut down for repairs, but not before the crew enjoyed one more night at Sullivan's Public House.
So that was Voyager, Fairhaven and Spiritfolk.
So why do they need to go and calm the holograms down?
Sullivan was surprisingly aware of his surroundings.
Kim discovered that his perceptual filter was disabled or were offline.
So according to this, based on what I've just read and just putting a hell of a lot of reliance on me not making up too much crap,
that says that holodeck characters, if you don't in your code write perceptual filter equals true,
they then basically think they're real. They're sentient. They're fucking sentient.
They become sentient. So crap.
I feel like the holodeck is massively over engineered.
They then had to put a load of seatbelts and bootstrap things on it to stop it from just taking over the ship.
I've got to say, Memory Alpha is a great web page.
A perceptual filter was a component of a holographic program run on holodeck.
It kept the holodeck characters oblivious to anything outside the parameters of the program.
This allowed a participant of the program to give computer commands to the holodeck system without the characters responding to such an action,
which makes absolute sense because you think every time the holodeck is in play
and everyone's so enamored at how real it is, no one ever comments,
why did Wolf just say computer show door?
No, because they're just, because if you just didn't, you don't need a perception filter, but you could just make them an AI.
It's just like pressing pause on your PlayStation controller, isn't it?
Yeah.
Pause the game. The characters don't know what's going on anymore.
Yeah, but they don't need perception filters. So why would you need to go so far?
Or is it because you want the characters to act so real?
See, we didn't talk about this on our I lived a holodeck episode.
You wanted to be worried about where the cum goes.
You want the characters to be so real, so they're making the chat GPT 7 billion version people.
And they're like, oh, fuck, we can't do this because they're all going to become sentient killers and wipe us all out.
We need to put perception filters on. Oh, here we go.
Yeah, you know what? We might need to watch that episode again then,
because it's got in 2376, such as a malfunction, such a malfunction occurred with the within can't talk today
within the Fairhaven program on the USS Voyager.
Many characters within the program, including Michael Sullivan,
began to question the strange activities of the members of the Voyager crew in the program.
This included Tom Paris's use using the computer to repair a tire on his primitive car. Fair enough.
And turning one of the characters, Maggie O'Hallohan, into a cow as a joke.
Imagine if your perception was turned off and someone just come along gone,
huh, bitch, you're a cow now. Moo.
The whole town's been, which? Yeah, which we could be that in that.
Did we turn on the safeguards? Harry, did we turn on the safeguards?
No, the safeguards. Yeah, that's in this.
Which is in this. Bringing it back around to talk about the episode with me.
Yeah, the hologram safety protocols are set to random.
Random, I love, why have we set it to random? No, computer, set it to off, on, on, set it to on.
Oh, it's so good. Yeah.
It was so stupid and it worked. Yeah.
You would never have got away with that in the next duration of Voyager, but in this it just, it felt perfect.
I think it worked because when you're watching all the Voyager episodes,
everyone knew Voyager was a bit kooky with some of the things it did.
But when you put them all together, it just kind of exacerbates those kookiness into this word madness.
They make a comment in it, don't they? The Voyager crew just did some really weird stuff.
Yeah, it was Voyager. So at least he says on Friction Week, it was Voyager.
So yeah, I mean, then they end up in the Borg kind of regenerative room,
then falls on the museum curator and Boimler is blamed yet again.
And he's like, he's trying to regenerate me. It's wonderful.
I can feel it regenerate.
And then obviously the macro virus then gets borgified.
It gets assimilated and it just flies off in this weird shape of thing with its red eye.
And then the next thing you've got is you've got the little robot Newt run past with the little red eyepiece on it.
That's cool. But again, this is a fuck up by the person cleaning the ship because I think none of that should have been live anymore.
Yeah, I think what's the engineer guy called again?
Rutherford. I think Rutherford says, oh, there must have been a stray nanite in there.
Yes. And that's what's got on to him.
And then that's what's done it. Yeah.
And then what was yes, so that's after Borg nanite in the macroviolet.
And then they record it a macro night is calling it now.
And then we get the captain gets transformed and then till it's basically decides on what's going to happen.
And we get lots and lots and lots of conversions, including probably my fail.
Sway way, Swalons. Yeah, we see him lately where the doctors merged.
The dolphins get merged with with one of the other with what's his name? Steve Stevens.
Steve Stevens becomes swagger swagger.
Which is a really good poem. Follow it. It's a really good one.
Everything is so good. And it just keeps making his own horrible monster.
Yes. But you've missed a very important scene. Oh, Tendi and the Vulcan lady at the bar.
Oh, yes. And what do we see at the bar?
Mug watch. Oh, mug watch.
Now, there's a load of glasses there. You can see them underneath the bar.
Yeah, we've got Martini star star ones. We've got short little stubby ones.
We've got those stupid thin ones that you see in next gen.
They put them in there and then and the Vulcan guy.
I don't remember anyone's name. Or does room temperature water from the replicator.
To Lin, I think.
That's so bland, even for a Vulcan. Yeah.
I quite like her character though. Oh, no, I enjoy her character.
The British ship plays it perfectly and it keeps it to the Vulcan standard across all of Star Trek,
which is really hard when everyone else is having really lots of fun with their character.
So I think they did a really good job at keeping that as, no, we're going to play the Vulcan straight.
Was it then Tendi says, don't you want to go see two Vox quarters?
And she's like, is it Namir? She said something like that, doesn't she?
He's like, I suppose. But yeah, I've just I've got that written here. Love the relationships in this.
Yeah. Just full stop. Everyone does feel like this huge family in this.
And we get the good scene with Marino and Boynmille. She gets green spunked to a wall.
Boynmille comes and saves, well, takes it off her face.
I need an engineer. And then oh, yeah, sorry. That's what he says to Ransom.
He's like, I could save you. I need an engineer and saves Rutherford instead.
Yeah. So he says, so yeah, he finds Rutherford and it's got Ransom and the Samarian all stuck to the wall.
And I love it. He saves Rutherford. He's like, Rutherford, how can we disable the ship? I've got an idea.
Yeah. And obviously he uses the Neelix cheese. I've got to say, I'm going to add this here.
This is so much better than the original Tuvix episode.
Yeah. We enjoyed the Tuvix episode. The Tuvix episode is very good for different reasons, but this is better.
Because then obviously we end up and the Vulcan and Tendi have managed to reroute the transporter
and she transports him into the brig. I've just got it written here. Meatball.
Yeah.
He's made one giant meatball.
The big blob I wrote. Yes, they merge them all into one big gross blob.
And it's funny how they decide they're going to split them by personality.
Yeah. So Tendi says, oh, we've got their personality on record and using the tricorder that Tillips had modified earlier,
she can see even deeper than normal and it can show all the people's personalities.
So yeah, I like how they bond over that. It's like, I'll do the DNA, you do the personalities.
Now there's a great comment that the Vulcan girl says when Tendi's like, oh, we can do their emotions to tell the difference.
And then she says, how am I supposed to tell the difference between a whale and Steve Stevens?
Which I just thought was so good.
Poor Steve Stevens.
I was laughing on the sofa when she said it. That just, I don't know, just thing about that tickled me so much.
And her delivery was so good.
Who do you feel worse for though? The whale or Steve Stevens?
But yeah, obviously they managed to transport them. They get all that bit done.
Voyager gets creamed up with Nelix cheese. All the holograms stop working just in the nick of time.
And I love that Boimler says, we've got enough time to clean up before we get to Earth, don't we?
Yeah.
It's like, ah, okay.
And then that's kind of it really. Everyone gets a promotion apart from Rutherford.
Yeah, which I thought was so rough.
I kind of, right here, why does Rutherford not get promoted? And he says himself, well, engineers aren't supposed to break things.
Yeah, we're not supposed to break things. We're the ones that are meant to fix things.
Yeah. So even though he does kind of, he saves the day as well, like with Boimler.
I mean, it's a picture of him and Boimler on the Voyager ship.
Yeah, but I still think there's something more to it anyway, isn't there?
Yeah.
As I say, I haven't seen the rest of the series, so I don't know if he does finally get promoted or if they all get demoted again.
So I don't know what's coming.
Oh, there's cool stuff, but with Rutherford later and Boimler.
I can't remember, which is the series that Rutherford starts realising that they wiped his memory? That was the season before, wasn't it?
That's season three, yeah. That's season three. And that's it. They all become Lieutenant Junior Grades.
Junior Grade, yeah.
And then next thing we know on a Klingon Lower Decks ship.
The four episodes, I love the fact that they then go, Lower Decks Klingon ship.
Why are you, what was it? So you're sharpening your spear and then, who's grateful they've got a sharpened spear now?
Yeah, it's good. Yeah, because they get attacked by that ship, which is a continued presence in this series.
Yes, because of course, series, sorry, four episode two opens with the Romulans being attacked by the same ship.
Because it's all the same Lower Decks that we saw, was it the end of season three when it did the after credits scene,
where it had the Lower Decks for the Klingons, Lower Decks of the Romulans and Vulcans,
and then it was the after credits that had the Lower Decks of the Borg and they're all just getting regenerated.
Yeah, just all regenerated and it's just quiet.
That was I X Cretus, actually.
Was it I X Cretus?
Was the end of I X Cretus?
That was season two, I don't think so.
Well, anyway, I'm sure that happens at the end of one of the episodes.
It does, yeah, and it's just all the Borg drones and it's just like, a very, very clever way of doing it.
But I did think having the Lower Decks, the fact that every race has a Lower Decks base, it's just brilliant.
You can just do so much with it. Why the fuck is it cancelled?
I know, so frustrating. There's been loads of stuff I see on Twitter at the moment with,
because I suddenly started following and being followed by loads of other Star Trek podcasters and stuff.
Karen's been doing a lot of heavy lifting for me on there. Thank you, Karen.
I'm just fucking useless.
No, you're not.
And there was one that had a load of the women from different Star Treks on the panel,
and it has the lady who plays Mariner, and I was like, I feel bad for you because your one's got cancelled.
Even though it had one of the girls from Picard, which is now obviously not doing any more Picard,
but she might be in that other series that they may or may not be doing the rumoured one.
Oh, who knows?
Who knows what they're doing?
But I couldn't give a shit about it.
I just want more Lower Decks. I just want more Lower Decks.
I want more Lower Decks, and it's one of the highest rated Star Treks that they've had, and they've just fucked it right up.
Right, let's rant in a minute. Let's end this section and then we can rant.
Transfer complete.
Right, now you're allowed to rant. I've just put a noise in between the two sections.
Paramount are cunts. You cannot cancel one of your highest rated Star Trek spin-offs and just go, well, we did.
No.
We've gone through this before. Why do that thing in London last year that we went to, which they did around the globe?
It was a global thing. I know it was to do with an anniversary of Star Trek at the same time,
but the point is it's the only Star Trek, even with how good CGI is nowadays and how good prosthetics and everything like that is,
it's the only Star Trek they could actually do anything they want.
Look at Star Trek the original series. Love it. Very hard to watch now, but if you've got that retro love for it,
and like you said, you've got the nostalgia for it, you get through and you enjoy it still.
I'd never seen Star Trek the original series, the animated series, and I've watched it all now, and it's flipping wonderful
because they could do all the things they wanted in the original series that they couldn't do.
That's what the animated series gave them the ability. It's like, oh, hang on, it's animated.
We can do whatever we want here. They did. Lower Decks is exactly that.
They've got something that's funny, it's moving, it's got characters people like, and it's got an infinite storyline.
You can do whatever you want with it as long as you've got good writers because it's animated.
It doesn't need to end. Instead, what have they done? They've just gone, no, we're going to pull the plug.
Why? You think it's what they could have done as well. They could have made it on the fringes of the universe.
I think that 3D animated one is, what's it called, Prodigy. That feels like it's on the fringes of it.
It's obviously part of it because of characters that are in it, because I know Janeway's in it,
but it feels like it's just on the side as a thing, whereas this is slap bang right in the fucking middle.
It's Star Trek Lite. It is in there. It talks about everything, crosses over everything,
gets really involved. It covers everything. You're right.
Prodigy is Star Trek Lite. It is Star Trek Diet version.
The reason they've done that is because it's a good way to get people into Star Trek.
You don't want to go full on Trek for someone that's never seen it before because honestly,
I can see why it puts people off.
Prodigy is where I'll show T first.
Absolutely.
When he gets to a point of asking me what I like and I tell him I really enjoy sci-fi and I like Star Trek,
I think I'll show him Prodigy first and we'll watch it together. That's what I think I'll do.
100% and that's a good thing to do.
Because it'll get him into Star Wars too.
That's it. 100%. Star Wars all the way.
Throwback to that Prodigy episode.
Definitely throwback. That's the point. They were very clever with that.
Even though they terminated that start with, it's a good entry point for people that aren't unwilling to watch sci-fi,
but maybe unwilling to watch something that they've been told is very much,
oh no, Star Trek is very much geeks and you've got to be a specific person to watch Star Trek.
We're proof that you don't have to be. Jesus.
Two people very, very different to what most people consider the standard Trekking.
Let's face it, we still have that over everyone's head.
If you say you're a Trekking, most people think you've probably got NHS standard glasses,
the old bottle bottom ones. You've got zits, greasy hair and probably a 4XL top.
That's what people tend to think. It's mean, it's not true, but it's the generic standard people have.
Same with Star Wars. Most Star Wars people get labeled that.
Prodigy gets away from that by being fun and slightly different.
Then you can anchor into, well, what are you going to go from Prodigy?
Obviously you can't go to Lower Decks if they're a kid,
but maybe you're going to show them a couple of your favorite episodes of Next Gen,
maybe Deep Space Nine if they're more into the darker side of things,
or maybe you go straight into Voyager. I don't know,
but there's ways that you can go and there's all different Star Treks
for different people's appreciation to different things.
Lower Decks, like you said, covers it all.
I feel like people who watch Star Trek would be like,
oh, you know what, I like Deep Space Nine, but I don't like this one, or I like Voyager.
Like I'll say, I like Voyager, but I don't like Deep Space Nine,
or I like the original series. I never got into Next Gen. I like this one.
I don't think anyone did get into Next Gen,
but I think everyone as a collective Star Trek fan likes Lower Decks.
I don't really have not seen people say they don't like it.
This was atrocious. It's Gene Rodmery will be rolling in his grave.
No one is saying it from what I've seen.
No, I've not seen that. And for good reason, because it's solid. It's brilliant.
It's safe. That's the thing. Just like every other Star Trek for me,
I can sit down and watch Lower Decks and know what's coming,
and it's going to really cheer me up.
I always come away in such a good mood after watching Lower Decks.
Yeah. I go back to it again. We went to that thing, and it was by Paramount,
and they were going on about how we were watching these trails on the screen,
saying how important Star Trek animation was to them, how amazing the thing was.
And then they do a big dump on it.
Less than a year later, they're saying it is not going to be any more of that.
What the fuck is this then?
Yeah. Disgraceful. Outtally, utterly disgraceful.
But anyway, that about us out of the way. This is a fucking brilliant episode.
100%.
I mean, every episode is good. There are some better than others,
but this one, Ice Cretus.
Not that I've seen the rest of the series, but I'd say right now,
this is the episode to watch a series for.
If I was going to... Like we said at the very beginning,
when we were talking about this on the main show, on the variety show,
season one was amazing. Season two was better. Three was a little bit better.
Four is just as good as three.
Yeah.
I wouldn't go and say they improved. I think they just kept it.
They hit a peak and it stayed consistent.
Yeah. So that's the only concern I have for season five.
When they wrote it, did they know they were writing the last one?
From my understanding, they'd hoped there was going to be seven series.
Which is a fairly generic thing for Star Trek. Most have seven series.
So am I expecting that they're going to be rushing some storyline,
which they don't need to do because they just don't need to do that?
Yeah.
What are they going to do with the end of it?
Are they going to throw all of their fun bits into this
and it's going to be absolutely wonderful, end on a massive high,
and then Netflix will come back with season six.
It will not be any good because they've put all their ideas into five.
And that's the worry, isn't it? And change of writers and change of direction.
Yeah.
Did they kill someone off?
I wouldn't be surprised if after this we see another sci-fi cartoon come out,
which is not Star Trek, and it's got these guys doing it.
Wouldn't surprise me.
Imagine an Orville doing a Lower Decks.
I mean, Orville is kind of a live action Lower Decks almost.
Realistically it is.
But, you know, something like that.
Yeah, I agree.
Really good. Everyone should watch it.
Save Lower Decks.
Okay, so everyone's homework.
Season one, episode 16 of Voyager Learning Curve.
And it is the Neelix cheese.
It is the Neelix cheese.
So we can all together learn all about the Neelix cheese
and how it got involved in this Lower Decks episode.
Delicious.
Command functions are offline.
I still haven't learnt the words.
You can do it.
Come help me, TJ, please.
Okay.
If you'd like to find out more about Studio Channel 84 as a network,
you can head to channel84.co.uk.
If you want to find out more about the Untitled Trek Show,
go to channel84.co.uk and select Shows and Untitled Trek Show.
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Thanks, everyone.
I hope you have enjoyed what you've heard so far of The Shit Show,
and there's more at the end.
Keep listening all the way up to the beeps.
Yeah, don't press stop.
No fast forwarding.
You listen.
And there might be a little surprise for you as well right at the very end.
And then that's it for it.
As a penultimate episode,
the final season one episode of Shit Show is Christmas,
and we've got a really good idea if it comes through.
Ho, ho, ho.
We'll see how it goes.
Ho, ho, ho.
And then I'm going to do my best to get a Trek Relay in,
but I don't think it's going to happen because the Christmas one's going to take too long.
Yeah, fair enough.
So then I'll do a few Trek Relays before The Shit Show comes back.
Sounds good to me.
Give my creativity a rest on that.
Good idea.
Thank you, everyone.
You deserve the rest.
Thank you so much.
Love you.
Bye bye.
Oh, apparently they're sniffer dogs.
All right, mate, what's wrong?
Don't normally call this late.
I know you like your beauty sleep.
Oh, yeah, I bet you think I need it.
Uh, I wasn't going to say that, but you do sound a bit cranky.
Oh, cranky am I?
Sure I'm not just a wanker, or am I both?
Okay.
Well?
Uh.
Well, am I a wanker?
Do you wank?
Don't we all?
Then yes, I guess by definition you are.
See, I told you so.
He hates you.
You hate me, don't you?
No, not at all.
Liar!
Mate, what's going on?
You think I'm not good enough for that promotion, don't you?
Where is this coming from?
Mate, you're going to be grey.
He's lying.
You're lying.
Dude, I'm not.
You're scaring me now, come on.
He wants it for himself.
You want it for yourself.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to move up a rut or two, but
we aren't even going for the same positions.
Liar!
He's grabbing something.
What are you grabbing?
He's going to hit you.
You're going to hit me?
Well no, I just unpeded right for this bloody table.
Liar!
Get him!
What?
Let go!
Fuck me, Ostrand!
Let go!
He wants to kill you.
You want me to kill you, don't you?
What?
I kill you first.
Tom, get back!
What the fuck's happening?
What's happening?
Help me!
I can't control!
Fucking die!
Hello, hello there little guy.
Rob, Rob, what's happening?
I can't stop it Tom, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Fucking die!
All yours buddy.
Go get him.
No!
Tom, finish me!
Time to take out the trash.
Airlock manual override confirmed.
Automatic personnel safety measures enabled.
Closing airlock, re-pressurizing cargo bay.
Tom?
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, I couldn't control it.
It wasn't me Tom, it wasn't me.
It's okay.
Tom, Tom, speak to me, are you okay?
Speak to me, are you okay?
Brother, brother.
Oh no.
Tom, Tom, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Data pad load complete.
Identity check confirmed, beginning message playback.
Your failure to both secure the anomaly and safeguard the members of your SI team has resulted in an activation of Section 31's deletion protocol.
Your connection with Starfleet Intelligence and that of your agents have been stricken from all accessible databases.
You have been disavowed. Agent Court, you will not fail us again. Your quarters will self-destruct immediately.
Oh no.
Thank you for listening to the Untitled Trek Show. This station is now shutting down and will be back in two weeks.
May the Force live long and prosper inside of you.
Where the fuck is that useless captain?
Tom, we can't wait any longer. They are two hours late for rendezvous. We have to assume something has gone wrong. If the anomaly hasn't been acquired, we must act.
I know, I know.
Karen.
Fleet Admiral Monk, what are you doing here?
You don't know, do you? Typical. Just another fray in an ever growing list, Karen. Agents, you are dismissed. Karen, walk with me.
What's going on?
Starfleet Intelligence have metrified an incident on the USS Shitshare involving an anomaly. It appeared to possess one of the crew. Said crew member then went on a killing spree.
What?
Whilst we aren't aware of the full extent of the damage, we do know that anomaly was eventually contained and destroyed.
Destroyed how?
Something to do with Roombas. But that is none of your concern. It appears to be above your pay grade.
Above my pay grade? But Mum, I'm an Admiral.
You were an Admiral. You have been stricken that rank and all of its privileges. You, Karen, are a Captain once more.
Mum! But!
No buts, Captain. This is your last chance of redemption. Fail again and your career in Starfleet is finished.
Mum, may I ask, what's my, erm...
What's my posting?
The shit show, Karen.
What about Captain Telfer?
Don't worry about him. His fair years have been dealt with more... privately.
Explosion detected on the USS Shit Show. Multiple decks venting atmosphere. Escape pods launched. Station impact defences activated and holding.
Looks like you'd best get started.
Oh, God.
It's that seasonal time in the far distant future where a friendship was born, but was destroyed by a creature.
A creature of smoke or a creature of ambition. How can you tell? Just another failed mission.
It's the time for your family. A time for your friends.
But in this Star Trek story, is that how it ends? A lifetime of toil for our lower decks pair, but treason and selfishness filled our winter's air.
On the eve of Trek Christmas, we find our lonely Rob having nightmares and visions. What an absolute knob.
A Christmas shit show coming to a podcast player near you this festive season.