Well, here we are. It finally happened.
Rob managed to fuck something up.
I'm surprised it took him as long as it did, really.
Twenty-two minutes have been lost to the void.
He's done his best to make something of this mess.
So let's not be too harsh on him, eh?
At least, not to his face.
Let's keep it to Twitter.
Accept it.
Captain's log. Star date 246. For fuck's sake who cares. I have to admit the
pressures of recent events on board have been getting the better of me. The
teleporter incidents, Ferengi boarding parties, the warp call having a fucking
baby and that multi-dimensional squid materializing in the replicator in the
canteen last week. I mean what the fuck was that all about? If it wasn't for
Wilt and those holonovels I'd have gone insane. Arguably some are a bit niche but
nonetheless much appreciated. Not that I have much time to enjoy them. The paperwork.
To some of being inundated would be an understatement. Who'd have known that the
captain would need to complete no less than 32 bloody requisition logs and 28
long stay parking compliance forms just to dock at Deep Space Nine for a few
weeks. Surely this is what the crew are here for and after all of this I still
only have five minute window to get the Starship in place and fully docked. Else
we missed a window and we have to wait a whole extra cycle for another opening.
God help me if we are late. Admiral Chesters has got a right to be in a
vagina about this fucking anomaly. Computer pause log rewind five seconds
and resume recording. God help me if we are late. Admiral Chesters is going
gunning for me at the moment and it's like Aunt Irma visiting around the
clock. No shit. Wait. Computer pause log rewind five seconds resume recording.
God help me if we are late. Admiral Chesters is right big.
Containment breach. All security personnel to Deck 13. All non-essential
staff please return to your quarters until further notice.
Shit.
Shit. Fuck you scared me. Sorry mate. What are you up to in such a hurry? I thought you were on
guard duty. I am but I've got this stupid counselling session. What? Counselling
session. I've got one. Oh right. Tend to good monster. That's the one. Yeah this is it.
See the funny thing about multi-dimensional beings and their
capacity to traverse space time. Simon sorry mate. I'm in a rush. You know
what the fucking counter can be like if you aren't on time. Ah yeah of course.
Yeah catch you later.
This is interesting. What are you doing? Just a little bit of fucking around.
We're gonna have lots of fun together tonight. Yes. Getting a little creepy.
Containment breach. All security personnel to Deck 13. All non-essential staff please return to your quarters until further notice.
Oh bollocks.
He's going. Yeah it is. Look there's a red dot. Hang on it's moving up your chest.
It's on your forehead. Oh my god it's a sniper. Hiya. Hello. How's it going? Yeah not bad. How are you doing? I'm alright. It's been such a long time since I saw you.
Oh now it's been so long. I spent the other day in a field with some random guy. Yeah well if you're gonna go and do those things I hope you weren't protected.
Machete, shotgun. I do now have. No don't think that you filthy fuckers. I do now have some weird gun coming out of my leg so.
Nice. So yeah breaking the fourth wall here. It's not been long since we last recorded. No and that's mainly because I forgot to say I'm going on holiday next week when we would normally record this.
Which is fine for people to know because this episode will come out when you're home. It will. So how was your holiday TJ? It was really nice. I had fish and chips on the beach. The kids really enjoyed it and no one drowned.
I was about to say none of that happened and then you edited that. I really hope no one drowned. So where are you going? We are going down to Charmouth which is down in Dorset. It's near Lyme Regis.
We went to Lyme Regis last year but we like Dorset as an area. Jim used to have family, well does have family down there and we used to go down for the past four or five years and it's just such a lovely quaint little kind of seaside area we thought we'd stay going.
Now we usually stay in Bridport and that's just super expensive. That's where they filmed Broadchurch. Yeah. And it's beautiful there. But we then stayed at Lyme Regis last year and then this year we found Charmouth which is just next to Lyme Regis and we found a holiday camp.
You know the sort of pitch up your caravan and stop but they'd got two luxury apartments and they'd got the kind of wooden apartments that they've started building everywhere that are really kind of posh glamping sort of stuff.
But we've rented out one of the luxury apartments as they call it and it's not a sleep six. It's got a full kitchen in it. That's all I need. We're quite happy and it was actually cheap. We were going for five days and I think it was 300 odd.
Oh that's good isn't it. Well for Dorset being right on the seafront it's really good. In the school holidays. In the school holidays. Yeah absolutely brilliant pricing so we thought no let's do it. Hopefully the weather's good for you next week.
Yeah I'm hoping it's not going to be as hot as it's been this week. I'm hoping it's going to be like oh sorry last week. I'm hoping it was like 20 21 degrees. I can't remember.
Time you why me stuff. Time you why me.
Right so before we start talking about what we have I haven't watched. Slight change up this week. It is. So where we would normally talk about an episode and go all the way from beginning to end and make comments as we go through.
I think I want to just try just talking about it in general. Because then we have that's the dishwasher if anyone can hear that. I was going to say I thought it was the dog erupting for a moment. What the hell is he doing?
So this is the dishwasher draining. I've got a new segment which I'll talk about and we'll see how that goes. But first things first TJ.
Yes.
In the last how many days has it been? Three days?
Well we recorded two days ago.
Two days ago. Have you watched any sci-fi in the last two days?
Yeah I have actually. I started watching and I'll stick with started because I'm definitely not going back to finish it.
Oh no.
Robocop 3. I forgot how bad that film is.
Robocop 3.
Don't know if I've ever seen it.
So it's not the original Robocop. It's for all purposes and manners it is Robocop but it's a different actor. And they used the animatronic from I think it's Robocop 2. They had a really high quality animatronic made and they just reuse it in the third one.
Is this 80s or 90s?
I've got to say Robocop 3 has got to be 90s surely. I reckon it's going to be I'm just going to dial it up now while we are...
Because I never saw the remake.
So the remake it gets slagged off but you know what it's not terrible. The problem is you really need to neglect the fact that Robocop 1 exists to enjoy the remake.
But if you were showing it to let's say T in oh I don't know 12 years time because it's a 15 certificate and you hadn't shown him the first Robocop he'd really enjoy this.
The problem is is the modern Robocop basically loses all of the darkness and satire that the original Robocop has. It's basically just been made into a 15 teeny bopper action film.
There's one good dark scene when he kind of has revealed what body parts he has left.
Right.
But the rest of it's...
Has he got a penis?
He's got no penis. And that's funny enough me and a mate once joked that if we were to do a podcast we were going to talk about Robocop and we were going to where's my penis? What have you done with my penis? Please give me back my penis.
1993 I was right with Robocop 3 bloody hell. Yeah so it's Robert John Burke who plays Robocop and the only time you see Robocop without his helmet is when it's the animatronic and it's just dire.
It's basically OCP has been bought out by a Japanese company. They are pushing ahead with Delta City and they are now evicting people by force and they've paid militants to come and do it for them.
And Robocop stands up against them. Lewis gets shot and killed. And then he decides to join the evictees side, the terrorist organisation side. It's terrible. It's really bad. I haven't even got to the jump hack section yet.
And that's probably the best part of the film. Yeah. Yeah. Not good.
I've never seen it. Probably won't ever.
Made all the worst by the fact that I was watching it on Amazon Prime and 15 minutes in suddenly got an ad break. I forgot Prime now do this.
I forgot they do that as well. We've been, because we're watching Supernatural still. I paid the £2.99 to remove the ads.
Do they do that on the big premiere films as well or is it just the older films that no one cares?
I haven't seen an ad.
Fine. Okay. So maybe it is just like the really cheap older films that are sticking ads in.
Why do you pay for you? It's a separate bit now.
No, no, I'm not paying for the ad free. I refuse to.
Yeah. I know it's not too much. I think it's £1.99. I did it because I knew we were watching Supernatural. I'm so against ads. I hate them so much.
That's what we were streaming in the first bloody place. That's why I hated Terrestrial TV.
Yeah.
Oh dear. I'll keep an eye. I mean, we're not going to get rid of it because we use Prime for delivery almost every other day. So we get it with that. I don't care too much.
But if I was paying for it as a dedicated service, I'd be so pissed.
It's expensive if it's a dedicated service. I don't think you can just get Prime video on its own. I think you have to only get, but somewhere correct me. I think you have to get Prime.
Oh, okay.
I don't know that you can get just the streaming service.
I'm still waiting for Amazon Prime to do a deal with Prime energy drinks. Get your Prime on Amazon Prime.
They probably do sell them. They sell all the Hawkstone lager and stuff on Prime.
Yeah, but I'm thinking about a dedicated deal. Get your Amazon Prime branded Prime now.
Oh, a Prime Prime.
A Prime Prime. Advertised by Optimus Prime.
Optimus Prime, Prime Prime.
On Primetime.
Primetime Prime with a Prime Prime, Optimus Prime. Oh God, that sounds like hell, doesn't it?
That's Robocop One. That is Robocop One from the 80s. That is exactly what it was like with the satirical jokes and the advertising.
So Optimus Prime is in Robocop One. You're not allowed to fill faces. You're not allowed to fill faces. You have to make an audible noise to the face. Thank you.
And watch Nomono wipe that out.
Well, I've been watching. As I said, supernatural.
Supernatural?
Yeah.
It's the 12th time you've said it.
It was the Voyager episode where we kept saying that they say the fucking threshold.
Threshold? Threshold?
Supernatural. Supernatural.
Supernatural.
Optimus Prime. Supernatural.
I'm afraid it's going to be that way for a long time because I think we did some math, didn't we? It's going to take me something like 300. There was some ridiculous number of weeks or something.
Based on my average watch time per week. How long before I finish all of Supernatural?
Yeah, it was something like 362 days, wasn't it? Or something like that.
Yeah, something like that.
Straight.
This many hours of TV on average per week. These average episodes of 45 minutes.
And obviously you have to then take away the time that we're using to watch Star Trek episodes.
Yeah, exactly.
That impacts on your daily viewing.
And I've got to say, before we get too much into Picard, the quality of it was terrible on Prime. I've got bloody gigabit symmetric broadband here and I'm watching Picard.
And it's supposed to be giving me the best quality. It looks fucking terrible.
I just signed up to Paramount again.
Oh, okay. No, sorry, it was Paramount, not Prime. Sorry, it was Paramount.
Oh no, it was fine on mine.
And it looked fucking terrible.
That's weird.
It was weird.
No, it was fine on mine.
Whenever it was Chateau Picard, it was like fucking the artifacts on this place. It's just ridiculous.
It must have been a problem with Paramount at the time then, surely.
Just everyone too busy watching Lower Jecks again.
The heat got to it.
Yeah, the heat got to Paramount's streaming service. Other than that, we've been watching the new Game of Thrones show called The House of Dragons.
House of Dragons.
Yeah, we had two episodes behind, so we've caught up with that. That's really good.
I'm saying it's really good and then I'm putting a face and going, it's got a similar issue that the other Game of Thrones had.
As much as I love all the intrigue, sometimes I just get to the point.
The whole Game of Thrones joke of when are the dragons coming? When are the dragons coming?
It's got all of that stuff in, but it's now been replaced with, you are so fucking stupid.
We all know the answer. Everyone knows the answer. You just need to say it.
Ten minutes of fucking spiel and side quests later and the Queen comes to the same realization the audience came to ten minutes ago.
Right.
It's having moments like that and there's only one episode left. I'm like, it's going to be a wicked episode.
There's loads of dragons. It's going to be fighting. It's going to be cool.
But yeah, sometimes it's like, get on with it.
Enter authorization code.
Potential new segment.
So I have to say a massive thank you to Simon from Who Takes Souls Off for helping me with the Excel sheet.
And then to my wife Miranda for then explaining to me what Simon actually did.
Because Simon did it for me and had to go. And I was like, he said to me, I can do these other things.
And we're out of the way from Miranda to finish the Zoom call. I was like, can you tell me what this does? What bits I need to change or look at?
Anyway, and then you've showed me as well.
So it all makes sense in the moment.
What we're going to try and do is it's not going to be every single episode because it's going to be a fair amount of work for one of us or both of us to do every time.
And I've already got the shit show to write.
Yeah, fair enough.
Well, probably I think it might be good to take it in turns.
Yeah, okay.
I'm happy to do the first one because you're going to holiday. So I'm happy to do the first one because I'm on holiday.
Oh, okay. Then you can do it.
I'm not working. I can when I'm sat on the beach, when I'm sat at home and all the kids are asleep and everything like that, I will happily have a go at doing this first one.
So what is this thing?
Well, this thing is I have got this form in front of me and in it when I press F9, it randomly generates a series of Star Trek.
It will pick from I'll tell you the series is choosing from the original series, Next Generation, Voyager, DX-9, Picard, Lowdex, sorry, Prodigy, Discovery, Strange New Worlds and Enterprise.
Okay.
All of those series, it will randomly choose one of those and once it's chosen that, it will then pick two characters from that series, main characters, mostly bridge crew.
And then after it's done that, it then picks a plot point and then it will pick an antagonist.
Okay, that sounds good to me. I love the idea of this.
And the idea being you then need to create your own Star Trek episode with that criteria.
Yes.
And also create a little skit based around it for us both to do that.
Okay, so we're going to create a skit or two skits or whatever we decide.
Whatever the person writing it wants to do.
Of scenes from that episode and then otherwise it's going to be a real kind of storyboard version of events for that episode.
I think it's fair to say, yeah?
Yeah.
Awesome. I love it. Go on then. Press F9 and generate me.
Do you want to press F9?
No, no, I will let you press my F9.
The series is the next generation.
Okay, TNG.
Funny enough, the main character is Jean-Luc with a sub character of Data.
So you've actually got a pretty standard two characters there as well it's chosen.
Okay.
The main plot is a sexual encounter.
Well, we know that Data can do everything.
And the antagonist, which is the bad guy, Freddy Krueger.
Okay.
That's it. So it is a next gen story, main character Jean-Luc Picard, sub character Data.
It's a sexual encounter and Freddy Krueger has to be involved in some way.
That's brilliant. I know exactly what I'm doing for this already. It's 90% written in my head.
Because I've wanked over this situation before.
Would you like to know some of the...
No, no, no, no. Don't spoil anymore.
Okay. So yeah, if we can get something up on the website, it'd be really good if people could enter their own plot points.
Plot points and bad guys.
Obviously they're not going to be able to edit the characters and show because they are what they are.
What I'll do is I will make it so we've got to add it to the database.
So I'll just stick a contact form on there and that will come into our email and we can add it to the database as and when I've created it.
That's fine.
Yeah. Wicked.
Awesome. I'm looking forward to writing this now.
I'm looking forward to hearing it.
Picard Remembrance. Episode 1, Season 1 of Picard.
So glad you did that because I thought the title music to Picard Season 1 was shite.
For something that was a TNG kind of follow on, it should have had something way closer to the TNG original music.
Or even the original kind of Star Trek music.
It had in there, it had a little twinkling of the next gen.
I think it kind of played a little bit part way through.
I've written here about it's very melancholy, very slow.
Yes.
They're the two rules.
Which really sums up the whole series for Series 1.
I mean I didn't hate the intro, but if you're going to it wanting this to be more next gen, you need to watch Season 3. Not Season 1.
Oh 100%. 100%.
And it's interesting that Patrick Stewart said he'll never go back to play Jean-Luc Picard unless the script was absolutely mind blowing.
And when you actually watch Season 1 you think, this isn't mind blowing.
Not in its lightest.
This really didn't take much for you to go back to play Picard, did it?
That was a lot of fucking money.
If Season 3 had been Season 1 of Picard, imagine that. How epic that would have been.
And then they could have done two more. I don't know where they would have gone with it.
Because I don't think they're going to do it.
They just wasted so much, didn't they?
The first series, just as an overall for me, the first series was disappointing.
I enjoyed watching it, but I just thought, this is so lacklustre.
It's so forced and so shoehorned in.
Something doesn't feel right with it.
Then we got Season 2 and they could have done so much with Season 2, especially with Q.
And they got halfway through Season 2 and then it just farted and died.
It's difficult to... I struggle between remembering which plots happened in Season 1 compared to Season 2.
So Season 2 is the timey-wimey, travelly thing.
And the Ball Queen and Agnes.
Oh yeah, well they never fucking actually close any of it.
And characters never come back.
But that's the whole point. It started off really strong. Borg, brilliant.
The Ball Queen, shit. That's amazing. Q, whoa!
And then it just did this giant fart and died.
I've told you the joke, haven't I, that Miranda and I thought we'd finished the series,
but we didn't realise there was another episode.
Exactly. So that shows you what we thought of Season 2.
We thought it had ended, but we had a whole other episode.
And it was months, it took a good two months I think, before we realised there was another episode.
And then we've got Season 3 and it's the Enterprise drifting through a Borg Cube.
And I don't mean just drifting because it's out of engine power.
I mean full-on Tokyo drift, fast in the furious, drifting through a Borg Cube in Jupiter.
So before we go too far, did I explain what we're doing with the episode?
No, you didn't. So far away.
So whereas we would normally pick the episode and go through it play-by-play as the episode plays out,
I want to try a different tact with it today and just talk about it in general.
So we might just kind of flip around a bit.
But I think firstly it'll make it a bit more concise rather than boring bits of going,
oh then this, then this, then this.
But also leave space for other things in the episode, which I'll get to when we get to them.
Okay. So really, let's go on with it.
Accessing library computer data.
Well, as we said, you didn't like the intro.
Yeah, I wasn't blown away by the intro.
I really enjoyed the very first section of this where he's playing poker with data.
I didn't think, you know, when I forgot about the poker at the beginning.
I was like, as soon as it started I was like, of course it's poker.
Of course it's fucking poker. It's poker.
As a really boring game of poker if you've only got two people playing.
Yeah, I liked their interactions though.
The interaction's beautiful.
You know, going on about seeing data's tell.
It doesn't have a tell.
And the fact he shows a tell, that's his tell.
And it was really kind of cool, like messing with data going, oh I don't know what to do now.
And that was genuinely really good.
And that's what made me really hopeful for Picard.
That first scene is really powerful.
And you've got Brent Spiner rekindling data.
You've got Picard as Picard.
You've got the enterprise.
What more could you ask for?
And then you get into the intro and then, meh.
Yeah, then it kind of goes a bit downhill.
I don't even think a bit downhill's enough.
It goes downhill quite a bit.
I mean, I don't remember Romulans having acid blood, do you?
I don't remember them having Iris accents.
Oh yes, you don't know.
I've got a problem with that because I like that character.
I like that character and I think they do her dirty in season three.
They do her disgustingly dirty just so he can get a bit of Bev action.
It's just no. Sorry, but no.
Is she even in season three? Sorry, to interrupt you.
Yes, she's in the first episode and she tells him to go to Beverley.
And that's the last we ever see of her.
You know she's packed her bags and gone back off to the Emerald Isle.
Where the Romulans hang out apparently because that makes absolute sense.
Absolute sense, doesn't it?
It's been however many years and apparently Romulans just pick up the accent wherever they get left.
Yeah, it's odd.
Could you imagine a cockney?
Yeah.
I like seeing him though not being a captain or an admiral he is at this point.
And actually he doesn't like Starfleet.
He's pissed off with what they did to the Romulans.
So yeah, I really like that kind of turn of events where he's just, no, I've given up on the Federation.
It's not the Federation anymore.
They closed their doors and they retreated in.
They're not explorers anymore.
They're not out there for the people.
They're not out there for anyone else.
They've just closed the doors and they've come back and they're just really not who they used to be.
And I like that actually because that was a good story point they could have gone off on.
Yeah.
And that's kind of it, isn't it?
Yeah.
It was all just a setup for them to talk about the not having the robot people.
Yes.
The whole thing is just a setup to show that what they called...
The synths.
Yeah, synthetics. It's all just a setup for that.
But you could also say, don't forget, that you could, at a really big push, and I mean a giant fucking push with that,
say that this is linked to season three where we find out that the bad people have infiltrated the Federation.
Is this just the start of it? Or was it the start of it when he retired and left the Federation?
Yeah.
Or was that the start of their infiltration to the Federation?
Yeah, I think that probably is what they would have... maybe if we watch season three again they might already imply...
I don't think it was intended. I don't think that was implied at all.
But I think the fact that they had that and thought, well, we didn't really go anywhere with it to a good extent.
Maybe if we let people kind of do it themselves and if they make the leap, then they make the leap.
I want to say, if anybody is on the Mugwatch, great Mugs.
When he's playing poker, he has a proper Mug.
The Mug game in Picard is on point.
It's a little bit poncy, I thought, the one he had when he was playing poker, but it's still decent,
and later on he goes to replicate it and gets an Earl Grey decaf, odd.
And he has a normal see-through Mug.
And it's the right size, it's not a dainty little shape, and I felt like the Mug was front and centre, as all Mugs should be.
I'm really surprised they hadn't just jumped the shark and said, you know what, we've given up on everything else,
so we'll make sure it's got a futuristic Brita logo on it to get some advertising in there.
I find it a bit weird he didn't say please or thank you to the replicator though.
I say thank you and please sometimes when I'm talking to the AIs.
Well, not the AIs, the algorithms that are posing as AIs.
Or the Home Assistants.
Yeah.
So it's weird for him, because I think I wrote down exactly what it says, T Earl Grey decaf.
That's all he says to it.
He doesn't go, oh, can I have this please?
Yeah, but you know what, he doesn't in TNG.
When he talks to the replicator in there, it's always very T Earl Grey, and he just moves on.
Maybe it's just because we've, just because we're polite, I'm not saying he's not polite, but we don't have those.
So suddenly we're speaking to something that understands us, even though it's not sentient, we're being polite to it.
Maybe our boys, when they're older, they won't be saying please or thank you to the machine.
That's true. That's very true.
I've got to remark though, how good he still looks at his age in this.
I think he looks better in real life than there.
They made him look hunched over and skinny and old.
I think that's the idea though.
Yeah, and I think it's the idea too.
Weirdly, and it sounds really weird.
I'm sure you've had grandparents, have you had any grandparents or family that's gone through like a care home?
Friends or family.
Yeah, okay. And have they ever had that, well, any sort of neurological, typically something like dementia.
So they kind of become a little bit, not racist, but obviously the part of the brain that deals with what's appropriate and what's not disappears.
I kind of get that feeling from this first.
It's like, it really feels like Picard's in like this retirement residential care home and the two Romulans are his carer.
I just feel a bit like that.
And it's just like how he treats them and just speaks to them.
It's like, yeah, you really are just in a care home now, aren't you?
I'm not really sure I understand the point of the interview bit other than just to be mean to him.
The interview was just being racist.
She's a racist twat is what I wrote, is what she was.
It was just purely an excuse for exposition, which I dislike.
If you need exposition, use it as a method of progressing the story.
Don't just write, we need to explain something.
What's the quickest way we can do it?
Just badger him on TV as an interview.
It just didn't work for me.
They could have done a five minute piece of him dreaming about what happened or with it being the anniversary of what happened even.
But either way, I just don't think it worked that scene.
It just comes more across that, yeah, you're right.
She's just being an utter bitch.
Yeah.
Little quiz for you.
OK.
What's that?
Do you hear that?
I can hear that.
Is T. Awake and he's playing with a toy?
As he's just been coughing loads.
Do you want to?
What's going on?
Well, well, well, it was only a matter of time, wasn't it?
What?
Where am I?
Your hubris has finally got the better of you, Rob.
Who are you?
Taking the piss, fucking around, not putting the effort in, comparing prodigy to Star Wars, always saying teleporter when you know full well it's transporter.
It was all coming to a head.
This is just the inevitable outcome to your constant failure.
This seems a little harsh to me, mate.
Harsh?
Call yourself a Trek fan?
We Trekkies don't take kindly to the bullshit of you fake fans.
Trek is for us, not for you.
Oh, God, you're one of those fans.
I even wrote into your stupid show to that lovely lady you slave drive into managing your retweets and receiving your complaint emails.
Let's say I didn't take too kindly to her tone when reading my correspondence.
She was just as surprised as you when I paid her a little visit.
You're talking about Karen?
What have you done to her?
If you've heard, I swear to God you are dead.
She'll be fine.
It's you and Tom that I'd be worried about.
He'll have a sore head in the morning, that's for sure.
Getting my name wrong, shame on him.
Wait, are you that superfan weirdo?
The... what was it?
Star Trek superfan number one?
The very same.
Jesus Christ.
Now then, let's get to the point of all this.
Yeah, please do.
As much as I enjoy being hung upside down in a dingy basement by a nerdy weirdo, I'd prefer to be at home.
You know, they have a new Star Wars series on Disney Plus.
Acolyte or something.
Not seen yet.
My friend Stidia says I should watch it.
Shut up.
No one gives a fuck about your Star Wars friends, Stidia.
Ooh, wouldn't say that, mate.
They'll get pissed off and come get ya.
Stop being a twat.
Yeah, I'm afraid it's genetic.
Look, we've been listening into your recordings and it seems like you don't have the correct opinion of Picard.
So we decided we had to intervene.
It's not our fault it's poorly paced.
There's a convoluted storyline about robot babies and a shoehorn side hustle involving a derelict ball cube.
And that's everything a nostalgic fan wants for this series years in the making.
Oh, Rob.
Rob, Rob, Rob.
Uh oh.
Reports are coming in of major space time and dimensional disturbances across Starfleet.
Many viewers have been documenting dimensional squid creatures breaking through the barriers of their dimensions and bleeding into hours.
Some have commented on rips in space time creating windows and in some cases doorways into other dimensions and other places in time.
Unconfirmed reports suggest this could be linked to a recent security breach on the USS Shit Show.
Come.
Bloody hell.
Somehow this is getting to be my problem, isn't it?
Come.
Come in.
Don't press a button my bloody self.
Hello?
Anyone missing a data pad?
Hello?
What?
Data pad load complete.
Identity check confirmed. Beginning message playback.
Recent disturbances in space time have been directly linked to a security breach of the dilithium entity known as the anomaly.
It is theorized that these disturbances have direct causation to an incident on multiverse Earth 84.
On Earth 84, two men known as Tom and Rob host an internet science fiction talk show known in their universe as a podcast.
This podcast and their hosts must be allowed to continue.
Were it to end before it set time, it could have unfathomable consequences not only to their dimension but also to ours.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to cancel all previous orders rendezvous with Starfleet Intelligence Team 13,
enter the spatial tear at the rendezvous location and prevent the untimely death of one of the podcast's hosts.
If you or any other members of your SI team are caught or killed, Starfleet will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
Good luck Agent Court, this data pad will self-destruct in five seconds.
Fucking knew it.
What a biscuit. Digestive. Yeah, your loss.
Well, I wasn't expecting it to be you two. Where's my normal crew?
Due to the nature of this endeavor, it was decided that we should accompany you on this mission.
Right then. Introductions. I'm sure you all know me. Who are you?
Excellent to meet you. I heard what you did on Bajor. Some fine, fine work. Right, how about you?
Mocking, Governor. Demolitions expert, master at diversion, subterfuge and all-round mean motherfucker.
Great to meet you both. And you've both been apprised on the situation.
Of course.
Excellent. Well then, let's get to it. Which one of you secured the window?
The bird, Governor. And some fine work too. Good to go when you are.
I'm gonna smore into the breach. Prison pigeon, fire it up.
Good morning, Rob. I trust you slept well. Thirsty? I'm sure you are. Now, it's time you accept your responsibility.
I've told you already what we thought of Picard Season 1.
Yes, I'm sure you have. Tell me.
It's shit.
Indeed. Now, how many lights do you see there?
Four lights.
No, there are five. Are you quite sure?
There are four lights.
Perhaps you're aware of the incision on your chest. While you were under the influence of my drugs, you were implanted with a small device. It's a remarkable invention.
By entering commands in this iPhone, I can produce pain in any part of your body at various levels of severity. Forgive me.
I don't enjoy this, but I must demonstrate. It will make everything clearer.
Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah!
Surprising, isn't it? You were completely unprepared for the intensity of the pain. That was the lowest possible setting. Thank God for Steve Jobs.
I'm telling you, it's not a good first episode. How did the script become the one to bring back the titan of Patrick Stewart to reprise his iconic role?
But I've told you that I believe you when you think this. But I didn't ask you about Picard. I asked how many lights you see.
What? There are four lights.
I don't understand how you can be so mistaken.
What on earth?
Ha ha! Freeze, motherfucker! Time to bring home the bacon!
Whaaaaat?
Great, Sharkmokin. Now get him through the tear, quick. I'll deal with this one.
Wow. You really do look like him. Weird.
Huh? Who? Look, look. Hold on, hold on. What's going on? Why is that pig carrying that nutjob through that strange light?
Don't worry about any of that. All you need to know is you're safe.
Yeah, and what about Tom?
Oh, Tom's fine. We found him in a field by a motorway.
Ah, the one with the speed camera always going off. Ha ha! He was right, Governor.
Indeed. Looks like I owe prison pitching five credits.
This is so fucking weird.
Telling me. But let me help get you down from that thing-job of his.
This is totally mental. First I'm kidnapped, and I'm saved by a time travelling man and a weird talking cockneyed pig.
To be fair, prison pitching's right. Without him, we wouldn't have got to you in time.
Sorry. A man, a pig and a pigeon.
Look, we don't have much time. We've got to go before this tear closes.
You want some advice?
Sure, why not? Not like tonight can get any more weird.
Next time, don't fuck up the files on your SD card.
Hey, Spaceman.
Yes, alternate Rob?
Tell that wanker for me. There are four fucking lights.
Will do, mate. Keep out of trouble.
Good work, agent. Your continued dedication to your duty is commendable.
It appears your actions on Earth-84 have had the desired butterfly effect.
We are receiving reports of time and space abnormalities coming to an end.
Whilst we are unaware of what ramifications this could have in the long run, at least for now, our universe appears to be safe.
Just before the last window to Earth-84 closed, our communication experts managed to intercept a final communication from what appears to be Tom and Rob.
Beginning message playback.
Season 2, Episode 1 of Discovery.
Season 2, Episode 1.
So you haven't seen Season 2.
Yes, I have.
Have you?
I've seen most of it and I thought it was crap. Season 2 is the one where...
Season 2 is the one where we have the human who's actually a Klingon.
Yeah, it's just I chose Episode 1 because that's the first season that's got Pike.
So he's spoken about in the episode before, the end of...
End of Discovery.
The end of Season 1, the ship's there. But Season 2, Episode 1, he's actually in it. And I thought, well, at least there'll be a character we both love.
That's true.
So that's what it is. I don't remember the exact episode name.
And his sexy hair.
But it's season... his hair's not so sexy in it.
What?
In Discovery. Don't you remember?
Oh yeah, you're right.
It's just a bit messy.
What a prick.
He doesn't get the hair wax until he actually has his own show and he gets to budget his own hair product.
Yeah, they get the budget for their hair product.
Yeah, right. Season 2, Episode 1, Discovery.
That's it. Top done.
Yay!
Save me TJ. Save me TJ. Tell me where we are.
Right. We are part of the Channel 84 Studio, Channel 84 network.
You can find out more about the Untitled Trek Show by going to www.channel84.co.uk and looking under Untitled Trek Show.
There you will find all our social media links and that's Twitter, Instagram, Blue Sky, Threads, Facebook, you name it. We're there.
You can also email us from the web page on the contact form.
If you would like to email us directly, you can email rob at channel84.co.uk or TJ at channel84.co.uk.
Or if you would like to email us both at the same time, then you can send that email to podcasts, that's plural, podcasts at channel84.co.uk.
That is it.
Hooray!
Woohoo!
Thanks, mate.
Thank you very much.
Have a great holiday.
Oh, I will do.
And we'll speak to you.
Hey, I'm already been on a holiday, I'm back.
Oh, yeah.
Enjoy your next holiday next year.
I bought you a stick of rock.
Oh, yay!
Love you.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to the Channel 84 Untitled Trek Show.
This station is now shutting down and we'll be back in two weeks.
Excelsior.
This was a Studio Channel 84 Network Show.
To find more, head over to channel84.co.uk now.
Playback complete.
And lastly, of course, congratulations, Agent Cort.
We will be in touch.
This data pad will self-destruct in five seconds.