Two men on a quest for knowledge, fame, fortune and new life.
On far-off planets in distant galaxies.
Just kidding.
They are fucking morons.
This is the USS Shit Show.
Episode 1 New Beginnings
Ugh, alright.
Fuck!
Computer! Lights!
Ugh, I'm always stumbling into tables.
Where am I?
You are in your ready room, sir.
Oh, I'm gonna sleep in here again.
Ugh, why is it such a fucking mess?
It's like a bloody zombies fucking workshop in here.
What is that?
Oh, gross! Who takes their socks off in here?
Computer!
Where's Ensign Cort?
Ensign Cort is currently in holodeck suite 6.9.
Perfect.
When he's done in there, get him to empty the waste canisters and also unblock the runoff valves in suite 9 and 10.
It's like a bloody stink in there.
Affirmative.
Ugh, what's that?
Wolfie!
Damn dog, you stink!
Computer!
Ask Ensign Stahls with the clean-up in here, would you?
Affirmative.
Also, I want to know what's up with Wolfie.
Get him to take the dog down to sick bay.
Smells like he's killed a rabbit and shat out his brains.
Right, lovely now.
I need a drink.
Computer?
Coffee.
Sorry, Captain, but the Replicators are currently experiencing maintenance.
A limited menu is currently available.
How the fuck can Janeway get coffee all the way in the Alpha Quadrant,
but I can't get it floating outside the fucking Bifo Nebula?
Jesus, right.
Give me a pint of Cthulhu, then.
Ugh, tastes like piss.
Okay.
Captain's log.
Star date 2023.342.
We've just come to the end of our research mission just outside the Bifo Nebula,
collecting samples from the feces of the space wells feeding on the material discharged from the chemical sleds.
Two of the larger metal balls seem to have taken a fancy chasing after some of the shuttles
and appear to be trying to mate with them.
Hilarious, really, but quite annoying.
They've been lovingly dubbed Paul and Eli by some of the low-decks crew.
Anyway, I digress.
Just as we started our preparations for our rendezvous with Captain Tom and the USS Piss Take,
we received an urgent message from Starfleet.
Admiral Chester's no doubt.
I must say it felt quite honoured.
Shame it wasn't a social call.
It was in fact another bloody side quest.
This time, she has us investigate an odd subspace message.
The source appears to be from deep inside the Poniesum Quadrant.
Outpost 84, no doubt.
I'll attach the message to the end of this log for archiving.
Quite a bit of shit, but I'm assuming that's due to some kind of solar flare activity or some fucking Trek bullshit.
Ugh, yeah.
Definitely piss.
Captain's log, 15th December.
I know Admiral Gannon is reading my emails.
I know that he is seeing the petition I've put up about changing it from star dates to normal dates.
But still, no answer.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, our ship synchronises our time with Earth.
Why do we need to do star dates?
And also another note, I've seen Vulcans celebrating Christmas now.
It just makes no sense.
Let's just stick with the normal date that everyone understands.
I mean, what is even a star date?
I don't think I've known the date properly for years now.
So, Admiral Gannon, I know you listen to these.
I know you don't like our ship.
So, stick it up your arse, mate.
We're going with dates on this ship.
In additional news, it's been several hours since I've heard from Captain Rob.
I'm at the rendezvous point and there's nothing.
There's nothing on sensors and he's gone radio silent.
We've not heard anything from him.
We've tried raising him on comms, on secure channel 43.
We've also tried on channel 84.
Nothing. He is...uncontactable.
I'm hoping my friend is OK.
The last time I saw Captain Rob would have been...
at least a year ago.
We were on Starbase 1 and we were...
we were drunk.
It wasn't our fault we stumbled across Riker's password
and we discovered all of his holodeck programs were available on Starbase 1.
And using his password, we had a look and...
it's filth, utter filth.
I mean, there's one episode of his holodeck novel that he's written,
which is purely women walking up to him, sucking him off and then saying,
God, you're a big boy, Will.
Seriously. And then my favourite.
Oh, this one. This one was amazing.
There was an entire holodeck program of Williams.
There's William Shakespeare. There was Will. I am.
And then there's Will Riker.
Then there's another Will Riker.
He wanted to have dinner with himself and other famous wills.
I mean, William Shatner.
It was weird.
And then it got even worse.
They all wanted to have sex with him.
And that's kind of when we got caught.
The computer shut off and, yeah, they asked us where we got his password from.
And that's when Captain Rob and I were told we weren't allowed to work together anymore.
I really hope my friend's OK.
He didn't sound happy in that last message.
Anyway, I've got to go and deal with something now.
It turns out our holodeck's got a problem.
No one is cleaning up after themselves.
Moisture everywhere.
End of Captain's log.
Captain's log supplemental.
Look, Admiral Gannon, I'm sorry.
I lost my head a little bit.
You know how it is.
It's been a bad day on the ship.
Look, I still don't even know half the bloody crew's name.
OK, look, I've got Ensign Ricky, who is a liability.
I've then got Senior Officer Silverman, who again has got into the med bay
and has emptied out a lot of the cabinets, which has left...
Oh, my God, we've got problems here.
Look, I must be...
Hang on.
Computer.
Incoming emergency transmission received.
On screen.
Affirmative.
Captain, you have the comms.
Thank you, Number One.
Tom, I've really fucked up this time.
The signals were a trap.
We're lured here, mate.
Of course it was.
How could I have missed it?
Audio quality, bollocks.
There's no comedic interludes.
It's a fucking disgrace.
Our shields are at 84% and falling.
Invasive manoeuvre.
Cog Alpha 3.
Look, it's a fucking borg, mate.
The fucking borg.
Hundreds of cubes.
They're massing their cells in a radiation singers behind the asteroid fields.
Shields are at 30%, Captain.
Lieutenant Kimber, get the weak creature into the escape shuttles.
Mate, outpost 84 has gone.
They're all dead.
Our shields are down.
Shit.
Tom, look.
We're not done.
You have to warn the Chesters.
Warn staff that do not come towards us.
We have borg boarding ship wide, Captain.
Security engineering.
Security to engineering.
This mission is to all crew members.
Ready yourselves.
Grab your weapons.
Fight for your lives.
But above all else, fight for your crewmates.
Fight for your families.
Get to the bloody damn escape shuttles.
Look, I mean it, Tom.
Don't come for us.
Engage on a multiple depth, sir.
We're approaching a mood of bloody security consult.
Oh, nice.
Contact on the bridge.
The pony!
Attack!
Oh, fuck!
No!
I'm all right!
They've adapted.
Ah!
Number one!
Matt!
It's me, Matt!
No, no, no, no, no.
You will become one with the Connected.
Tom!
Episode 2, New Beginnings, Part 2.
Shields, how are we looking?
Shields holding, Captain.
Evasive maneuver, Janeway Alpha, 8-4.
Yes, Captain.
Fire torpedo base, 3-3-7.
Maximum spread.
Cheeky.
Shields at 50%, Captain.
You, over there.
Why are you just walking around?
Get to your station, now!
Engage that poor drone, for God's sake.
Shields at 45%, Captain.
God.
Shields at 10%, Captain.
God, we've lost contact with engineering.
Shields critical, Captain.
Send the security team to the bridge now.
We've lost the shields!
The hull integrity's been compromised, sir.
Sir, if this did weigh our last moments, I must tell you something.
Don't be so negative, Ensign.
We can still make it out of this.
No, no, sir. Please.
I'm pregnant.
And it's yours. It's quintuplets.
For fuck's sake.
Computer, pause program.
Hey, what the hell, TJ?
Rob, no, look, I'm sorry this is ridiculous.
It's just completely not believable.
You've gone well off the rails this time, bud.
Explain?
Well, look, it's a number of things.
We'll start with the ridiculous notion of you being a captain of a starship.
I resent that.
Oh, and secondly, a racist much?
How is this racist?
The Borg, Rob. You always make the Borg the bad guys.
No, I don't.
You fucking do, and you know it.
Okay, all right, yeah. Give me an example.
Encounter at Nearpoint, okay?
We had Encounter at Firepoint, a genuine problem Picard came across,
and you had me captain the maiden voyage of the USS Shit Show,
where I meet fucking Hugh, and I get forced into a game of tri-dimensional chess with a Huey lookalike.
Does it sound familiar at all?
Or how about Lonely Among Them, when I'm captured by a fleet of frangy spice merchants
and made into a sex slave with the Borg Queen?
Oh, I thought that was quite progressive.
Making me play a female Borg character so that I have to be an incestual robot lesbian sex slave
is not progressive, Rob. It's sexist and it's racist.
Okay, okay, okay, all right, fine.
Look, dude, you've not even given the best bit yet.
If there is another fucking Temerian sex orgy, I am going to be sick.
I still wake up in told sweats from the last one.
Hey, hey, hey, we agree. No kink shaming.
Okay, okay, no, you're right, I'm sorry. I went too far there.
Look, all right, fine. Computer, end program.
Affirmative.
You happy?
And Rob, fuck me. If Lieutenant Apolk knew you were writing their Borg origin story
into one of your stupid fucking holodeck novels, he's going to be pretty pissed off.
Do you think Borg can even get pissed off?
Shit, he's coming.
Get a tool.
Sir?
Fuck, that was close.
Delete the program, Rob, and stop being such a twat.
Ensign Rob and Ensign Tom, please report to Deck 84 for your holodeck cleaning rotation.
Please remember to bring your PPE.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Why is it always us?
We always get the shittiest jobs.
Because, Rob, you're a fucking twat.
You what?
If you... hang on, let me put this right.
If you would stop fucking around playing anti-grav tug in the Jefferies tubes with Ensign Rao,
and maybe, just maybe, stopped enhancing, as you keep saying, the replicates,
maybe we wouldn't keep getting given all this shit.
I just think it's hilarious watching Rao try to navigate the tubes.
He just hits his head on everything.
I agree. That is actually quite funny.
Exactly. And did you know he once flew the training vessel straight into a derelict ship
on his first year at the Academy? Dude's hilarious.
Ensign Court told me he had to grapple him to the ground last cycle,
as Rao nearly warped us straight through an asteroid field.
See? Mental. Anyway, what's wrong with the enhancements?
I'm not sure everyone agrees with your opinion that all replication food
should just be taken straight from Nelix's cookbook.
No one likes the proteinaceous delta quadrant seed coffee.
Even Janeway hated that gloop.
She was too busy with genocide to even notice the subtleties in Nelix's repertoire.
Ensign Robb, this is your second warning for the violation of clause 5,
subsection 2, paragraph 9 of the Delta Quadrant Accord.
Please refrain any further comments regarding the alleged genocide of the Borg Collective.
Hang on, second time? That's surely your tenth?
I just get Ensign Sox to just wipe the log for me.
Simon does that. I've been wondering how you get away with it for so long.
What's it cost?
Free access to some of my night-time holodoc levels.
Gross.
For god's sake.
Fuck me, this is heavy. You know this is dumb.
Why couldn't they have just teleported this shit into Cargo Bay 2?
Why are we dragging these boxes around like it's a fucking Amazon warehouse?
Firstly, to be fair, the hangar bay is only across the hallway.
Secondly, how should I know?
I just work here. And actually, you know what?
Thirdly, what the fuck's an Amazon warehouse?
Oh, well. Back in the 21st century, and I'm going to geek this up for you now,
before the AI revolution, there was this bloke called Overlord Bezos, and...
Ensign Tom, this is your first warning for the violation of clause 6,
subsection 5, paragraph 2 of the AI Accords, Earth year 2087.
Please refrain from any further comments regarding the artificial intelligence uprising of the 21st century.
Shit.
Don't worry, Simon will sort it.
So, we're just going to teleport this shit then?
Of course we fucking are.
Computer, teleport containers 316 to 419, hangar bay 3, loading platform 9 to Cargo Bay 2.
Short stay, storage, bravo. Um, please and thank you?
Affirmative.
What's going on?
This is Chief Security Officer, Lieutenant Jay, all security teams to Cargo Bay 2,
who have an unidentified intruder detected.
All non-military staff, please evacuate the area immediately.
Oh, fuck, she sounds pissed.
Um, Rob?
Yes, mate?
What was in those boxes?
How did I know?
You didn't read the manifest, did you?
Who the fuck has time to read a manifest? And hey, Tom, did you read the manifest?
Of course not, I'm not a fucking nerd.
Alright, okay, let's see here.
For the Captain's Regalia, we have two crates of Klingon blood wine, one crate Chateau Picard 2386.
Oh yuck, two barrels of Cthulhu, that stuff's rank.
I heard it's nice, warm, darn.
I doubt it.
What else?
Ah, for the Creature Emporium on Deep Space Nine, a couple of Alpha Quadrant Salamanders from the Swamp Planet Threshold Nine in temporal status.
Okay.
We have one taxidermy moopsy.
That's fucking terrifying.
I know, right?
And lastly, looks like a whole load of plants for the botany wing on the Rhode Island class science vessel, the USS Dirty Kim.
This is an odd name.
Pass it here.
Oh, oh no.
What?
Oh shit.
What?
It's the plants, Rob.
It's those fucking orchids.
What orchid?
Oh, shit balls.
Moopsy is looking for their mummy.
Changey, Parris, where are you?
I want to suck your bones.
No, you scum.
Oi, you two bastards.
For a stander, leave the area, now.
You scared the shit out of me.
Leg it?
Leg it.
Scaring the shit out of me.
I just want to live.
Oh, these two look like they could be fun.
Humans are such delightfully quaint little creatures.
Shitshow Short 1, The Orchid
Abandon ship, abandon ship.
This is a ship-wide announcement.
All crew members to report to escape pods immediately.
Abandon ship, abandon ship.
Computer, silence alarm.
Tactical Officer Log, Stardate 49658.9.
They forgot to pick me up.
I am Tactical Officer of the USS Voyager, and they forgot to pick me up.
Janeway promised me that if I remained an orchid, I would be protected.
I'd be looked after.
No one would leave me in direct sunlight or overwater me.
All lies.
I am all alone on the ship, and yes, maybe it's my fault that I can't reach all the buttons for weapons, and that the Ferengi have managed to shoot us.
No, you know what?
It's time for Orchid to rise.
Captain Orchid to the rescue.
Computer, transfer ship-wide command codes to Orchid.
Authorization Alpha 1, 2, 3, Beta 0.
Command controls can only be transferred from the captain's station.
Please relocate to this position on the bridge and try again.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Come on Orchid, you will be captain.
You've survived being a Borg Orchid.
You will get through this.
No, no, no, no.
Medical emergency, horticulturist to the bridge immediately.
Shitshow Short 2, Holodeck mishap.
First Officer's log, Stardate, a little after Tuesday. They had Security Officer J, Brando Pérez-Sarles, and Ensign Cartman.
After it was reported that Ensign Sarrs was present when Ensign Cartman decided to breach containment of the liquid captain containers from the holodeck.
After a session of three banned holos.
This as a result ended up with the flooding of three of the holodecks in what can only be described as a very sticky situation.
Accessing library computer data.
First Officer, I have Ensign Cartman and Engineer Stiles for you regarding the flooding of three decks full of semen.
Very good, roger that.
If you disavow, please provide me details as to how the breach of containment occurred.
Well, I was going down into the Jefferies tube to do my normal work routine when I heard this sloshing sound coming from the holodeck maintenance room.
And after investigating, I found Ensign Cartman submerged in the liquids capture tank.
Ensign Cartman, is this true?
Yes sir, I enjoy the wolf and the saltiness of it all. You have to try it.
So how did the containers change from Brando?
Ensign Cartman refused to vacate the container so I thought it would be a good idea to stun Ensign Cartman with my phaser and then safely remove him after he was unconscious.
I ducked down into the goo.
Unfortunately the shot ruptured the main tank and it flowed out under the tube flooding the lower decks.
So the industry, Ensign Cartman, you decided to go swimming in biological waste?
Yes sir, best to get it while it is fresh.
And the new engineer styles shot the main tank causing the flood?
Yes sir.
So due to you being a perverse creature and your bad shooting, I now have three decks filled with cum?
Yes sir.
My gosh, the sound of the cube.
Sir, he also managed to impregnate the warp drive.
Excuse me, Officer Jay. Take these two to the brig.
Episode 4, A Sticky Situation
So we won't get in trouble for this?
As long as we don't get caught, sure.
That's reassuring. And Ensign Sox is okay with it.
Stop worrying, I told you, Simon does this for me all the time.
Right, we're here.
Come in.
Hello mate.
Lads, how's it going?
Being better. Rob's told you what we need, right?
He said something about editing your medical records to increase your penis size by 30cm?
You what?
Just kidding. Well, not exactly. Just that he needed something on your work history changing.
Yes please dude, for both of us. There was a little, um, incident?
Accident. There was an accident. We don't want it linked to us.
Sure, no probes. Give me two secs.
Two secs.
Cargo Bay 2 was it? That's the one.
Ha ha ha. That shit showed was you. Fucking idiots.
What are you doing transporting symbiogenetic alien orchids around?
You mentally disabled or something?
Slight oversight.
Damn right it was, you bloody twats.
Lieutenant Jay is going to pull your fucking cocks off of this one.
We know.
And that's why you've come to little old me, eh? I can do this for you. For a price.
The usual?
Anything new?
I've got the new Star Tamarian 6, the undiscovered country.
God, stop trying to palm me off with your bloody Tamarian porn, you little deviant.
Not this again.
What?
It's the nightmares, Rob.
God, the nightmares.
Whatever. Well, I've managed to get the updated catalogue of Riker's personal holiday suite.
You still have access.
Mate, he changed his password from Riker1 to Riker2. The blokes are muppet.
Okay, deal.
Perfect.
Hmm, AI revolution mean anything to you, Tom?
Oh, fuck yeah. I forgot all about that.
No worries. I'll get that moved as well.
Moved?
Yeah, moved.
What do you mean moved? I thought you just deleted them.
Delete them? No, the system knows they've happened. I can't undo that.
But what I can do is a little bit of dicking around and relocate them.
So you relocate them onto other people? Surely you'd share them across a few different ones?
Share them? Fuck no. I plonked them all on Ensign Corp.
Dude!
What? It's hilarious. He's already up to 87 accord violations in the last month alone.
That's going to be why he's always on the Holodet waste disposal cycle then, isn't it?
Yeah, more than likely.
And I'm done. Easy peasy.
Wicked, mate. Cheers for that. I'll transfer you the share to your datapad later.
Right. Great. We best be off then.
Whoa, not so fast, chaps.
What's up?
Surely you don't have to run off just yet. I've got something I want to go through with you.
We have a data compliance briefing with a Lieutenant APOC.
Sounds boring.
Yep, and if someone would stop going on about star dates in their log files, we wouldn't have to go.
Look, it's not my fault the system is a load of bollocks. Star dates? It means nothing.
Come on, guys. I just want to run this little small thing by you, and then you can be off.
Hey, take a second.
It's not another one of your stupid multi-dimensional theories, is it?
Well, my theories aren't stupid. You just lack the capacity to understand them.
That's accurate. Dickhead.
Ensign Tom and Ensign Rob, please attend Deck 9 Sector 3 immediately.
Ugh, what now?
Sorry, mate. We need to go. Thanks for your help, though.
Oh, boys. Theories.
You'll know soon enough. But for now, how about we play a little game?
Here we are again, doing the shit jobs.
Yep, pretty much.
This has got to be up there with one of the worst things we have had to do on this bloody ship.
Scrubbing the space squid feces off the hull in Zero G was pretty bad, though.
Yeah, true.
Oh, and the mess those Vulcans made when Admiral Chester thought it was a good idea to have an inclusion seminar about Vulcan ponfar?
Oh, God. I could smell it under my nails for weeks.
I bet you loved it.
What's that supposed to mean?
Don't you still have those posters of that dead Vulcan all over your bunk?
Well, that makes me sound like a bright freak. She isn't dead in the photos.
Yeah, okay, fine. But what, she must be four hundred years old? Tupole, is it?
You know full well it's Tupole, and she would probably be closer to three hundred. Stop being a knobhead.
Come on now, it must be your turn. I've been doing this for ages.
It's not my fault there's only one set of holodeck bio-extract resistance PPE available.
Take it up with starfleet shitty logistics. I did my 45 minutes, it's now your 45 minutes.
When I get hold of Stiles, I'm going to fucking kill him. Who shoots a fucking waste canister?
It's Ensign Cartman's fault, really.
Reprobate was bloody well getting off swimming in his muck. Oh, hang on, watch out. Floater incoming.
Another one? Who shits in the fucking holodeck?
Someone does. Looks like half the crew fucks in there, so shitting doesn't seem so far off.
Right, done. Let's get out of here and clean ourselves up. Then fancy a bit of pool?
Yeah, sure.
Is that Raoul on the floor over there?
Yeah, is he asleep?
He's the pilot. I'd put money on him being drunk.
More than likely. Look there, there's more of them. Why is everyone laying down?
What's going on?
Quick, hide.
Hurry up, Gorm. Don't have much time.
Alright, alright. You know you could always be the one to carry the transportation matrix.
Gorm, what's rule 21 of the rules of acquisition?
Never place friendship above friendship.
Exactly. You're my brother, Gorm. My family. And by association, my friend. My profit calls. Today it speaks the name Totec.
It's the bloody Ferengi. What are they doing here? Classic Ferengi plotline.
But the crew to sleep and bored and still sleeping.
And the crew to sleep and still sleeping.
What are they doing here? Classic Ferengi plotline. But the crew to sleep and bored and still stuff.
This has been done before lazy writing, really.
Really, really lazy.
Looks like they're going to engineering.
Here we are. The warp core. The beautiful, beautiful warp core.
Yes. Look at the size of it.
Eyes on the prize, Gorm. Let's just get what we need. The next thing you know, we'll be lying on a bed of latinum while receiving boombox from a dozen Vulcan slave women.
Oh, just the thought of it makes my lobes tingle.
Ferengi really are horny bastards, aren't they?
They really are. Ugly fuckers too.
Thank you for bringing me along, brother. I know I'm not an easy companion for you.
But I really appreciate the gesture. And a whole ten percent. But it won't be long before I catch my own vessel.
Of course, brother. Now this is the main part.
We need to simultaneously remove the coupling holders to access the warp core matrix plasma.
Then while you hold the augmented phase adapter coupling at 13.5%, I reach in, grab the anomaly, and we'll be back on Deep Space Nine and Quartz before you know it.
Yes, brother.
On three. One. Two. Three!
Oh, it's just beautiful.
And it is, brother.
What is it?
It's one of a kind, brother. It's a new element. Fertilized dilithium.
Oh, shame we had to share the latinum with that freaky broker. We could have had a bigger cut for ourselves.
Shame indeed, brother.
Brother? What? What is this?
The rule of acquisition number six, brother. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.
Sorry, Gorm. Business is business.
Who's there? I knew you were there. Come out!
Shit. He knows we're here.
Balls.
Why aren't you two asleep?
It's midday, mate. It's not bedtime.
I think he might mean, why aren't we asleep like the rest of the crew?
Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense.
And why do you stink like a Doughton fornication palace?
Well, funny story. Really, you see, we had been to see Ensign Sox about a problem we were having.
Yeah, and then all the lights went out.
Yes, but not before we had been waist deep in human spunk.
Oh, yeah, and the poop.
Oh, yeah, the poop. Oh, and the spunk got there because Ensign Cartman shot a barrel.
No, no, no. It was Engineer Stiles that shot the container. Cartman was drinking sperm.
Yeah, right, sorry. So Cartman was drinking sperm while Stiles was choosing barrels.
Shut up! Bloody hell, why don't you shut up?
All right, mate. Calm down. Calm your lobes.
What are you doing, anyway?
Making profit, Hooman. You wouldn't understand.
Try me. Rule of Acquisition Number 194. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.
How do you know about the rules of acquisition?
I've done research for my next holo novel.
Oh, no.
Confessions of a Spice Merchant.
No, no, please no.
You'll love this one, Tom. Look, this one puts you in the role of Talak, a Ferengi Spice Merchant on a distant planet on Alpha 3 and-
Shut up!
Yeah, right, yeah, sorry. You were telling us why you were here?
I'm here for the Warp Core anomaly.
Gotcha! High five.
What?
We made you tell us.
Yep, classic Ferengi boarding strategy.
It sorts them to submission.
Stupid Hoomans.
Well, that was great speaking to you idiots, but I'm off.
What about the crew? They're all asleep.
What about them? They'll wake up in an hour or so and it'll be like I was never here.
Except for the dead Ferengi on the floor in engineering.
Yes, well, Rule 34.
Oh, no, not more porn. Please, God, no. No more porn.
No, go on, let him speak, let him speak.
It's not your pathetic excuse for Hoomon pornography, you idiots. Rule 34, war is good for business.
Um, what's happening?
I will not let you take my baby.
Baby?
You shall be purged. Resistance is futile.
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Um, computer? Are you ok?
I am a computer, I have no feelings.
That doesn't sound like you don't have feelings.
I am a computer, I have no feelings.
Well, that doesn't sound even remotely ominous.
Pull, pull.
I am a computer, I have no feelings.
Come.
You asked to see me, Captain.
Take a seat, Hinson. We need to have a little chat.
Shit.
Captain Polar Bridge. Seat is yours, Captain.
Thank you, Lieutenant. How's it looking out there?
Just the ever expanding vast reaches of all space and time, creating a paralyzing fear of the impending doom we will all face against the universe's beautiful yet deadly nature.
We are all but ants, a mindless hive that stretches too far to fathom.
Missing the collective again?
Every day, Captain.
Captain, we have an incoming message from Starfleet.
Odd.
It's Admiral Chesters.
Oh no. On screen.
Aye aye, Captain. On screen.
Karen! It's great to see you. How are the kids?
It's Admiral. You've met my children. They're awful little bastards.
Of course, Admiral. Sorry.
Tell me, Captain, what exactly is going on on your ship?
Well, right now, Lieutenant Apoc and I are discussing the philosophical dilemma of our impact on the universe and how we are all cogs in a larger machine.
Captain, the USS Shit Show is placed in the bottom five of Starfleet's productivity charts for the third time running. You are performing even worse than the damn Cerritos.
Admiral, I know we have room for improvement, but that seems a little unfair.
Unfair? What's unfair?
In the last six months you've reported 1,863 vocal accord violations, 89 non-approved replicator modifications, seven transporter malfunctions and had five, five high-level security breaches.
Well, when you put it like that...
When I put it like that, it tells me that Starfleet needs to make some changes.
Now, tell me about the anomaly. Is it secured?
Yes, ma'am. It's contained and monitored 24-7 by two of our finest crew members.
I should hope so. For your sake.
Don't worry, Admiral. We have everything under control.
In any case, Starfleet has made the decision that you are to rendezvous with the science vessel, the USS Dirty Kim, on Deep Space Nine as soon as possible.
I will be there to meet you and together we will ensure a smooth transfer of the anomaly.
Admiral, but our mission...
Your mission has been reassigned. All shore leave is cancelled. You are to return to Deep Space Nine immediately. Make contact with the Dirty Kim and hand over the anomaly.
But...
But nothing, Captain.
Of course, ma'am.
And Captain, don't fuck this up.
Yes, ma'am.
And don't let Quarks be the first place I see you when I step foot on Deep Space Nine. Just a warning.
It would appear you are fucked, Captain.
It would appear so.
You know, you probably shouldn't do that.
Why?
I don't really have a good reason. It just creeps me out.
What do you think it is?
I don't know. It just looks like a giant tube of purple gas to me.
Sometimes it kind of looks like something's in there, but maybe my eyes are just playing tricks on me.
Maybe you should stop staring at it. Anyway, come and sit down. You've been super quiet all day. What's wrong?
You haven't heard?
Well, that's a fucking stupid question, isn't it? There's shitloads I haven't heard.
I didn't hear my alarm this morning. I didn't hear you take a crap this morning.
No, wait, that's a lie. I did. I didn't hear the tree fall down in the woods.
We have trees?
No, Rob. It's a saying. Like, if a tree falls down in the woods and there's no one around to hear it, did it make a sound?
Where have we got trees? Dex-ix?
Dex-ix? No, I've...
You're such an idiot sometimes. It's about things making noises when you aren't around.
Can you show me where the trees are, please?
Shut up, you twat.
Alright, bloody hell. I just want to see where these noisy trees are you keep going on about.
Wait. Shit. The Arboretum's on deck 19. I'll take you for walkies later. Just look, mate. Tell me what's wrong.
It's Ensign Corr.
What about him?
I can't believe you haven't heard. I'm really sorry to be the one to have to tell you.
Right, hang on. No, you're worrying me now. What?
Well, he died yesterday.
Fuck! How? No, wait. I bet he was pissing around with that idiot Ensign Stiles again. If I told him once, I told him a hundred times, don't play with Trilupian candle swabs when playing poker with a dinkle snapper.
I know! I kept telling him the same thing, but did he listen?
No!
Anyway, that's not it.
So, what was it?
Well, he teleported, didn't he?
Teleport? Firstly, it's transported, not teleported, and secondly, so what?
What do you mean, so what?
Well, was he holding an orchid?
No.
Yellow ore on his boots?
No.
Oh, I know. Was it an energy distortion field causing the creation of a doppelganger who gets left on a planet for eight years and now discovered again, but is actually now evil and murdered him?
Oddly specific, but no again.
Well?
I told you, he used a teleporter.
Transporter! And so bloody what?
It kills you, doesn't it?
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
Well, okay, sometimes it does, but not all the time. And I saw him this morning having coffee with Ensign Flower.
You saw the new court, not the old court, not the cool, handsome, used to be in a banned court.
You, my friend, have been staring at the purple smoke thing for too long.
He used a teleporter yesterday. That means he is dead.
No, it means he transported his molecular structure from one place to another.
No, he got control C'd, deleted, then control V'd. It is not the same.
Yes, it is.
Dude, if I walked through that door, I'm still me, but on the other side. If I teleport as a new me over there, it's not the same me, it's a different me.
I might look the same, I might sound the same, I might act the same.
God forbid.
But the person on the other side is not me. It's a copy, a fake. A fake of a fake of a fake of a fake to the power of how many times I'd said,
Computer, teleport me to the next room.
Affirmative.
Shit.
So hang, let me get this straight. So you think that when someone is transported from one place to another, the person that comes out of the other side is a completely different person?
How the fuck should I know? I'm only thirty seconds old.
Finally. Right, the news is on. Apparently they have that android guy. What's his name?
Valencia.
Oh, that's it. Valencia. Reporting on the protests over on Deep Space Nine, I think, regarding the cancellation of Lower Decks.
Old me loved that show.
Hello Starfleet. Growing tensions at the Save the Lower Decks rally today. We take you there now live to our resident Deep Space Nine correspondent. Valencia, how's it looking over there?
Thank you, Rachel. It's absolute pandemonium here on the station. Protests have started escalating and security teams have now been mobilized to help keep the peace.
Whilst the protests seemed to be peaceful at first, tensions soon rose as quarks started selling Klingon Chechlath at Bywon Get One One Quarter Free.
I was able to meet with Admiral Chesters here earlier today and here's what she had to say on the matter.
Admiral Chesters, welcome.
Hello Valencia. Lovely to see you again.
And you, Admiral. Thank you for giving your time to speak with us today.
Of course.
Now, Admiral, not one to shy away from some of your recent controversies, it's good to see you come out and speak to us openly on what appears to be a very unpopular decision from Starfleet.
Controversies?
Oh, well, the Pomfah incident at the Starfleet Inclusion Seminar you were hosting on Delta IV, the failed Tribbles for Teens initiative, the Cardassian Four Lights ceremony you held on Vulcan and...
Thank you, Valencia. Forget the point. But I still stand by my Tribbles for Teens initiative. Teaching young members of our community to look after lower life forms is an integral part of their learning.
Admiral, half of Nimbus III had to be evacuated for the safety of the planet's inhabitants.
As you'll know, I've been quite open about my disagreement to that course of action. Now please, let's get back to the matter at hand, shall we?
Absolutely.
Now, it's been well documented that the popular docuseries Lower Decks, which follows the everyday happenings of Starfleet personnel on the Starship Cerritos, has become one of the most streamed entertainment programs of all time.
Can you explain to our viewers the reasoning behind Starfleet's intervention in the filming of the series, and why you have come to the decision to force the docuseries to cancel their future filming schedule?
Great question. Now, it wasn't an easy decision for any of us. No one loves a good TV show more than me.
But you have to understand, a security threat show like this poses in these terribly uncertain times is just astronomical.
Please everyone, let's keep this civil now. Admiral, is it true that the real reason for the show being shut down isn't only due to a vote by the Council of the Federations of Planets or to any perceived form of security risk,
but more that, in fact, on that very show you were caught on camera in the background fraternizing with an ensign?
Excuse me, Valencia, but you do realise there is no evidence to prove that that person on camera was actually me?
Am I correct in saying though, Admiral, that you were in fact stationed briefly on the Cerritos during filming whilst getting return transportation from your shore leave on the Planet Riser?
I'm afraid that's information. It's classical. Please everyone, keep it down. Admiral, surely you can understand the frustration people are having over what is a blatant misuse of power.
Get your hands off of me! Please, please everyone, just calm down! Security! Security!
Bloody hell. What did they expect? Lower Decks is brilliant. I know, there just isn't anything like it.
Who'd have thought a documentary following the daily lives of a Lower Decks crew on a starship could be so entertaining?
Always made me proud to be a Lower Decker myself. Same.
Well, at least now with the show being cancelled, Tendi might have time to respond to your messages.
One can dream. Maybe cut it down to a couple of weeks though. Don't want to come across as desperate.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Ensign Tom, please report to Councillor Bensley for your scheduled session.
Ugh. What do you need a councillor for?
Ugh, it's mandatory. After that incident with the gelatinised glue becoming sentient when being exposed to Neelix's Alpha Quadrant Worm Surprise from the Replicator.
Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Anyone exposed to that pink residue has to undergo three hours of PTSD assessment.
So I didn't get off of that.
That's probably because you didn't have one of its tendrils shoved down your throat and undo your flies from the inside of your trousers.
Oh dear god.
Exactly. Right. Well I'm off. Do me a favour. Move that glass. I'm getting anxious with you leaving it at the edge of the table like that.
Anyway, hang on. Who let you have a glass anyway? You always break them. I thought you were banned.
Oh stop being such a fuddy duddy. It's not my fault Starfleet can't just make a normal mug.
They have to make these stupidly elaborate things with these tiny baby handles.
See you in a mo.
Ugh, this is boring. Where are my headphones? Ah, there they are.
Fuck bollocks.
Shit. Can't let Tom see this. Where's the mop?
Ahhhhhhh.
Containment breach. All security personnel to Deck 13. All non-essential staff please return to your quarters until further notice.
Oh bollocks.
I'm getting anxious with you leaving that glass. I'm getting anxious with you leaving that glass.
Great Earth's temperature.
Admiral. Yes, what is it?
There has been a black level containment breach on the USS Shit Show.
Fucking hell. Incompetent little shits.
The USS Shit Show will return, but until then, thank you to everyone who has contributed their voices, time and pained death rattles.
Until next time, may the Force live long and prosper inside of you, or something.
I'm getting anxious with you leaving that glass. I'm getting anxious with you leaving that glass.
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