short stories from the world of the USS shitshow
the ship
the bridge thank you lieutenants how's it looking out there
miss in the collective again
captain we have an incoming message from Starfleet odd it's Admiral Chesters
on screen aye aye captain on screen Karen it's great to see you how are the
kids it's Admiral you've met my children they're awful little bastards
of course sorry tell me captain what exactly is going on on your ship well
right now lieutenant a pocket I discussing the philosophical dilemma of
our impact on the universe and how we are all cogs in a larger machine captain
the USS shitshow is placed in the bottom five of Starfleet's productivity
charts for the third time running you are performing even worse than the damn
Cerritos Admiral I know we have room for improvement but that seems a little
unfair unfair what's unfair in the last six months you've reported 1863 vocal
accord violations 89 non-approved replicator modifications seven
transporter malfunctions and had five five high-level security breaches but
when you put it like that when I put it like that it tells me that Starfleet
needs to make some changes now tell me about the anomaly is it secured yes ma'am
it's contained a monitor 24 7 by 2 of our finest crew members I should hope so
for your sake don't worry Admiral we have everything under control in any case
Starfleet has made the decision that you are to rendezvous with the science
vessel the USS dirty Kim on deep space 9 as soon as possible I will be there to
meet you and together we will ensure a smooth transfer of the anomaly Admiral
it's our mission your mission has been reassigned all shore leave is cancelled
you are to return to deep space 9 immediately make contact with the dirty
Kim and hand over the anomaly but but nothing captain of course ma'am and
captain don't fuck this up yes ma'am and don't let quarks be the first place I
see you when I set foot on deep space 9 just a warning
it would appear so
it started I nearly screaming are we recording it are we recording yet
because we're doing it remotely and it gave us a timer and we got webcam not
that anyone's gonna see the webcam no I can see each other through the magic of
the internet very Star Trek it's very trick but you're not seeing my groin
because I'm looking at yes this is a well-placed camera this is a correctly
placed camera with a screen orientation perfectly fine and we're looking at each
other's faces look the cock shot camera and on the enterprise and no it's not
the enterprises is on Voyager is Voyager yeah yeah well maybe maybe that all the
Voyager crew are just 12 foot tall did you ever think about that just think
it's just Harry Kim he's talking to the EMH and just doesn't really care
could you imagine going to the EMH look I know we're in what the 25th century now
whatever it is I need something to be make me a little bit potent can you can
you help did we talk about this live about EMH and consent we spoke about
this before it vaguely rings a bell but I wonder if we've talked about it as an
idea okay well let's leave it as an idea for now enter authorization code so
today if you all remember we didn't ask anybody to watch any episodes we asked
for some questions and I didn't get sent any I got sent two ages ago which I
purposely didn't answer on Twitter so I wasn't ignoring Karen and Nathan on
Twitter so sorry if you thought I was ignoring you purposely didn't answer
because I thought we could use it and the two really good questions actually
to be fair but before we get into that what sci-fi have you watched in the last
fortnight ah right well I've actually thought about this for once twisted
metal I've watched the first episode pretty good wasn't what I was expecting
but overall quite a solid idea of a show now I remember playing the originals on
PlayStation and then PS2 I think we had all my mates had twisted metal one and
two on the PlayStation and was it it was twisted mess who pardon me black on
yeah station to wasn't it that's right and they were just good games that you
had pulled out a party and did massive multiplayer carnage so how they turn it
into a TV series actually quite clever
she had done the truck truck truck thousand one one one all night long
let me see like it with the big go baby let your booty go
then girl you want to show this over here God
don't lie to me other than that watched a bit more trick a little bit of
standard kind of TNG and I've also finally just as Netflix is saying it's
getting ready to leave so I've got to actually finish it the latest spider-man
film spider-pig spider-pig does whatever a spider-pig does can you swing from a
web no we can't he's a pig look out he is a spider-pig hadn't seen it at the
cinema mr. missed it and just haven't had a chance to sit down and watch it
and quite enjoying it so far it's not bad yeah I mean it's I like the idea
it's basically into the spider-verse but a in real life version of it so we've
got our latest Tom Holland spider-man and then we've got Toby McGuire and
whatever his name is Bob for bunkhouse do you think show business puts
extraordinary strain on a marriage I think any job that takes you away from
your spouse does that I was away from my wife two years ago yes 1992
for 12 weeks three months abroad and I got back to Gatwick and I phoned her to
say I'm coming home from the airport and I picked up the phone and it was
shaking in my hand and I thought what I'm afraid to speak to my own wife and I
put it down that I tried to sort it out in my mind and I realized I was afraid
that she had made a regime for herself a daily routine in my absence and I
wouldn't fit back in and so I pulled myself together and I spoke to her
eventually and she was so loving she was so affectionate on the phone that I drove
home faster than I should have done I stopped for some red roses and some pink
champagne that's how soppy I was feeling and I got to my house and the front door
wasn't closed to me it was wonderful and sometimes we need these reassurances in
our relationship the front door was wide open to me and my wife wasn't waiting
downstairs for me if you know what I mean and it was a wonderful welcome home
and I don't want to go into details but she was she was upstairs waiting for me
and if you follow what I'm saying don't look as if you do
don't go to me and and my wife was well I'll be specific she was in the bedroom
I mean well she was on the bed I mean how clear do you want this I spelled this
out for you she was spread eagle on the bed
wrists tied to the bed head I said we've been learning some saucy tricks she said
we've been burgled your stupid body monkey space man spider-man bloke who
came from the second set of films you know how I love just recasting and just
starting a series again what's his name I have no idea Garfield something
Garfield
Garfield played the other one and they've turned up in it now as spider-man
it's it's very much into the spider-verse sort of thing because then
you've also got all the bad guys have come over to Tom Holland universe and
quite cool really nice because it's all the original actors as well yeah I
remember watching that one I quite like that one too
Andrew Garfield that's it just a quick zip back to Twister Mel Black that the
credits for that when you complete it it's got paint it black as the song
original Rolling Stones cover or original Rolling Stones awesome and
that's the first time I actually ever heard it no yeah oh my that's I mean I
was it's quite old painted black as the the the game Twister Mel Black I think
yeah let's see my dad's got it on record 99 2000 my dad's got it on record but
yeah for some reason I'd never heard it before oh such a oh love it one of my
favorite songs by the stones but uh well it's mine too but as we know I was super
into a garage oh of course you were super into garage early teens but of
course don't forget painted black then came out on guitar hero 2 or 3 mm-hmm I
think as well which was always good fun to play a really fun one on there too
isn't it
is there a guitar hero in you guitar hero 3 legends of rock rated t for 10
anyway sorry this is really not sci-fi how about you what sci-fi have you
watched we've been watching three body problems which is certainly a sci-fi
it's got aliens in it of course it's sci-fi it's got Kiko yeah and Kiko's
now I see you take a guess the actress just send you a picture some old Chinese
lady and Kiko O'Brien it was yeah they've made her look old I've discovered
they made her look older than she is because I thought yeah this is what O'Brien's
done to you after all those years on deep space nine oh I'll tell you what
actually I'm sorry carry on about three body problem and that you know I'll tell
you this in a minute well that's kind of really I don't because I would like you
to watch it because I think you would like it anything else is spoilers so
it's got aliens in it that's all you really need to know eight episodes
there's hopefully it's gonna be more apparently it's a massive deal in China
they like I was gonna tell you this the Kofi chat we were going to be doing I
was gonna tell you the story of the what happened in real life to do with the
creators of it we won't do it here I can save that for another Kofi chat so
incentive for people to come to the next one yeah definitely now this will make
you laugh I'm now waiting to laugh this better make me laugh you've prepared oh
I'm sure it will so back in 2015 somebody called Dan Willie 84 put up on
IMDB start that up no no no no what Dan Willie 84 did something on IMDB called
Star Trek Deep Space Nine reboot cast now the reason I bring that up is
because someone had put a picture of the lead character that they've lit the lead
actor sorry a Cisco up as an April Fool yesterday well the first sorry saying
paramount confirms Deep Space Nine coming back reboot with do you want to
guess who's playing Cisco of course remember this isn't real okay so it's
gonna be like it's Samuel L Jackson a pretty cool then I'm just looking at
this other list because obviously that's where someone's got the idea from
Keira Knightley Robert Patrick oh god Ian Gruffard I've got no idea is a
Welsh actor Rachel Nickar who's Jenna Coleman Dave Battista
Eamonn Hollins who's he doing who's he gonna be playing the one that sits at
the bar all the time probably Jaden Smith awful and Steve Buscemi I'd love to
know who Steve Buscemi is gonna be quark yeah okay it'd be a good quark I'd like
Samuel L Jackson as Cisco can you imagine that that's it I've done it with these
Kardashians on this motherfucking space station Kardashians Kardashians yeah
sorry get off our bloody space station we'll have the Kardashians over the
Kardashians yeah get out of here Kim get back into that wormhole that sounds like
a euphemism doesn't it let's move on oh yeah moving on
accessing library computer data right so we were saying questions on Twitter from
Karen and Leighton and Karen's question led me to a little quiz so Karen's
question was what alien species from Trek would we choose to be and why so
before we answer that my quiz is a magical quiz called I don't have a theme
tune for I'm sorry I've failed you all I'm yet to create a theme tune maybe I
can create well edit one in put it here can you just record this one more thing
for me I'm not a performing monkey Rob and anyway your last paycheck bounced
and that stupid pigeon mate of yours stole my credit card please my justice
once okay fine but this is your last one
is it Star Trek now laugh like you found it really funny right it's called is it
Star Trek right so how this works is 10 we like the number 10 I'm gonna name 10
races and you're gonna tell me if they're Star Trek or star not trek I
should have thought of a pun to have there but I haven't got one star yeah I
don't know right we're gonna start with a super easy one so Cardassian that Rob
is Star Trek ding correct well that's when you say well actually it was spelt
with 17 ends 1r and 12 s's so no it wasn't yeah exactly no this is just name
a Cardassian gold a mech okay well I okay DS 9 one of the main villains in it
yeah oh Golda Cotta even is the more is a little insight into the person who's
running the Star Trek podcast he doesn't know that much about Star Trek just
really likes the show and that is prime what Star Trek's about liking the show
it's not about knowing everything oh no not if you look at the Twitter yeah well
hmm okay next one and Dorian's their Star Trek they are Star Trek that's
where the blue ones with a little lantern I go yeah yeah that was the guy from the
blind engineer he was was he and Dorian yes he was and Dorian and there's a
really good enterprise episode where they find a Vulcan listening post in a
monastery that's the word I was looking for they find a listening post hidden
inside the monastery and the Andorians have been saying we know it's there and
no one believes us because it's Vulcans and it turns out the Vulcans are
arseholes really yeah I don't want to know what they were listening to in a
monastery next question oh that's really annoying it's also corrected it so now I
don't know what it was actually meant to be pause the podcast while I look it up
right so number three we've got Eben's not Star Trek not Star Trek and what do
you think they are Eben's could you spell it for me please
E-B-E-N-S Eben's
Schneeba backwards I don't know no I just googled alien races and supposedly
they're a real alien real quote they're real the grays slash the Eben's oh is
that what grays are called yeah grayskin humanoid usually one meter or three point
three foot tall hairless with large heads black almond shaped eyes nostrils
without a nose slits for mouths no ears and three to four fingers including a
thumb grays have been the predominant extraterrestrial beings of alleged alien
contact since 1960s sounds like my ex
screen did I click something maybe the algorithm is taking over yeah there's no
button I can do for an eighth for that I can just double click stuff anyway no
one saw that okay number four years so far three four threes you doing really
well here and before Venusian that's Star Trek nope oh shit are you sure well
it didn't show up in Star Trek when I was searching for it so they are from
Space Patrol I know what space I only know this exists because of my old man
and he always used to go for New Zealand's they have the facility never
to forget because that's the same they used to do in Space Patrol oh okay it's
one of those kind of era of fireball with XL five and so on okay no fair enough
I'll accept my mistake one two three four number five Tholian oh no that's
that's Star Trek because that's from the original series the Tholian oh god what
was it Tholian web or something correct it is real well done TJ I'm just gonna
double check who the Tholians are literally had a list of them yeah it's
definitely Tholians were a crystalline based non-humanoid species from Alpha
Quadrant the original series the Tholian web booyah booyah well done next one the
Tellarite oh god right no I know that name as well but is it Star Trek is it
Star Trek yes it's Star Trek yeah it is Star Trek they're funny looking things
they're kind of like pigs I'm just trying to think of where the Tellarite
come from then are they oh their original series as well that's why I
can't picture them yeah the the masks were quite disconcerting on those
because the eyes were hidden yeah scary looking things yeah nasty actually
right next one Grongs not Star Trek no I made it up that's gonna be one that we
use in the USS shit show the Grong the Grong why not I think it sounds a good
name actually yeah it sounds a lot like the Gorn the Grong watch out for that
wrong long the schlong wrong right well you've heard it here first that's what
they're gonna be don't go near the Grong schlong the massive penis alien race
that came to board the Enterprise in their giant phallic spaceship yeah
called the schlong the Grong schlong the USS Grong schlong so their next one
Jadoon are the Jadoons but that's the space police rhinos that is well done I
was almost so I don't know why I'm surprised you got the Rhino bit but yeah
space police rhinos they're in quite a few of the more recent ones like yeah
they turned up in let's see I think they appear in Ecclestone they appear in
David Tennant do you they appear in Ecclestone I can't remember if they do
or if they don't but I know they're definitely tenant they're definitely
Smith era as well I think also in the Sarah Jane adventures I think they're
actually just in the first few episodes of the tenant ones I don't I'm not so
sure they're in Ecclestone I could be wrong because they just Ecclestone
seemed a bit more serious whereas the Jadoon are almost a bit funny oh I miss
the Ecclestone I miss the Ecclestone ones too he does do the audiobooks though
yeah stuff audio series and things I'm sorry very very quickly diverting off
this did you see or hear now Disney Plus have their sticky fingers into Doctor
Who they are doing a series of shorts with Matt Smith and Karen Gillan oh
wicked that's cool I David Tennant honestly I really really enjoyed as the
doctor Matt Smith very close third Ecclestone still my favorite I know
people yeah say why do you because I liked Ecclestone's portrayal of it but
yeah I think Smith I was worried then saw him do it and thought he's brilliant
yeah I we've said this before on the main show the only reason I didn't like
Jodie Whittaker was the writing was rubbish I thought it was the writing let
hers down she was a good doctor and the writing in my opinion was crap yes
whereas the guy the new guy the specials were brilliant I really enjoyed the
specials of the new guy so I'm gonna watch him when he does it yeah how they
go on right anyway Jadoon done Delton Delta not Trek not Trek
interesting has someone not been listening to the USS shits show to hear
the Deltons being mentioned when we have the Deltons mention the Ferengi played
by styles yes the Delton fornication palace because the Deltons are a sexy
sexy Star Trek race oh no they're not the ones that run everywhere and just
wear their pants are they I they try to kill much about that I really wish the
episode there's an episode it obviously it's got Ryker in it I think they just
try and have sex with everybody all the time I'm sure it's next generation
yes no I'm looking up I know who the Deltons are now and I should have known
that Delta and she appears in the very first film the motion picture mm-hmm oh
crap yeah I should have known that yeah all that rule 34 stuff you're going on
over there you should have got that one oh yeah last one okay species 90210 I so
want that to be track but we know it's not Star Trek no do you know what they
actually are species we get it wrong every time don't look up no no no no no
species seven no nine no one oh Miranda's behind me she knows what is it
yeah what's what's the what's the real species you know I know two when I was
the fake name I made up so what's the real the real name in Voyager it's for
let four numbers it's four letters oh no four letters eight four seven two oh god
damn it I'd never got that too yeah do you know they are they're the the
aquatic fluidic space yeah the fluidic space creatures that fight the Borg the
end of Voyager she's kicking herself now because that's the episode she showed me
because I'd never seen the last two episodes of Voyager ever so fun fact I'd seen
everything in Voyager apart from the the last like maybe three or four episodes
and it wasn't so Miranda been dating for a long time then she brought did you buy
the series for me or did I get them yeah I brought me the DVDs and then so I could
actually watch last episodes because at the time there was no oh streaming
didn't exist we had to get it on DVD I won the old David yeah so yeah we watched
some DVD and that's probably how I'd watch them again to be fair
is that how many should you get you got that one correct so I'll let you get
that correct even though you didn't do eight four seven two so you got two
wrongs you got eight out of ten oh I don't feel too bad about that good yeah
well winning well done okay so back to actually the questions Karen asked us
what alien species from Trek would you actually want to be and why and you're
allowed to have cross species is quite specific here cross species choices are
obviously allowed okay so does that mean cross species as in two species have
done the old I'm not asking or are we talking about sex with you've been
transplanted with just just how like I was gonna be a book Borg or kid like
how Spock is half human half yeah okay that's yes I'm assuming she means I
don't want to put words into Karen's mouth
fair enough no do both because she might be talking about which ones would you
have sex with so you can do I don't know she might be well both answers gotta be
the ball green yeah they bring their own toys they've got clip-ons take one arm
off and put on whatever they want
like screw on appendages isn't it that's what you do whatever that's what you
did I forgot my cock can I borrow yours yeah hang on a moment catch thank you
that's what they call Bob don't they actually it beats six or three please
pass please pass me the cock of one board okay two four nine six do you have the
sterilizing gel just use your Nanos just use your nano sterilizer oh there anyway
um honestly I'd be be the Borg let's face it you get loads of knowledge
you've always got friends you got a ship that can't be destroyed easily quite
sexy Queen yeah but you're not interested in you you get sleep quite
easily yeah yeah yeah look yourself I mean I would be the lower decks of
Borg I'll be the one skiving didn't they do a lower decks Borg in lower decks I think they did yeah and were they all just like sleeping in the thing I would I would
basically be the lower decks of Borg is this really your answer yeah I would choose the Borg I think that's so shit can you imagine how easy social situations would be you don't need to say
anything we all know what's going on to be fair I've got to be careful because I
haven't told you mine oh god and mine is so obvious why I've chosen it I'll just be Vulcan
oh really is that because you want pomfah every 14 years or whatever it is no just I want to be Vulcan at a very specific time period
to poll to poll by any chance yeah maybe you want to poll to poll poll to poll
I want to go poll to poll it would even be that if you know right so you're Borg
what race were you that got turned into Borg that's a good question it would
probably have to be human just because it would take away all of my social anxiety
it's the best campaign they can do join the Borg we will take away social
anxiety social problems just come and join us so many people would sign up
it'd be the biggest queue insert advert here for joining the Borg yeah it would be like one of the
Helldivers Trayless but for the Borg
today and gave your choice of eye and arm accessories, mild skin irritation and loss of individuality are common side effects when joining the collective.
Friends and family may not want to come near you for fear of being isolated.
Yeah no that honest to god I would be the Borg. Oh god he's gone.
Because I can see you too just like me the Borg it's obvious.
Can you imagine no need for the hairdressing no need for shaving.
You've really thought about this. I'm really glad you thought about it.
Karen can't complain that you haven't given her a good answer.
If Karen comes near me she'll be assimilating.
And then she'll know all the answers to the questions because she'll know what's in my head and I'll know what's in hers and eventually we'll know what's in yours Rob.
Oh god.
I'm sorry ladies and gents I really don't mean to make him break like this but for some reason I have the knack.
I was right this episode wouldn't have enough.
Oh Robert. Oh my god the Borg.
Hang on oh we have big square ships and we have spheres.
You've only got two kind of ships to remember. Yeah exactly.
You can never forget because you've got quadrupa terabytes of data in the background that you can always never forget anything.
You're always on time.
Do you think they've all got little named alcoves as well.
Why are you in my bed. Sorry I thought it was mine. No you're on the wrong side of the ship you idiot.
I think they hot desk. Oh it's hot desking. Yeah it's hot desking and work from home.
I think when they're sleeping they can they can remote in and do cloud management of their own.
Of their payrolls and stuff. Hang on a moment I've just got to log on to Sage.
Oh yeah sorry we did forget to pay you I'm so sorry it'll be in next month's paycheck.
What's that you don't like that? Tough ship with a Borg. What are we going to spend money on anyway?
Tough. Have you got to take out your union money as well?
Health insurance who needs it? We'll just chop off whatever's broken.
Oh my god. Yeah well I mean mine was just as serious as yours.
I just want it to be in the same time period and the same races to poll to really heighten my chances of pomfah.
So in relation to that question as well she also wants to know who your best mate would be.
Can I just point out you've chosen to be Vulcan. I'm glad I'm on my personal profile of Edge and not my work profile of Edge.
I've asked how often do Vulcans have sex and Copyle has come back with an answer.
Never. Every seven years because of that's the mating ritual which I believe is pomfah.
I don't think that's true because in strange new worlds I reckon Spock's going with his missus a lot.
I disagree. Nurse Chapel is yeah.
That law would have come into place because I abused normal sexual relations with Paul.
So then the actual government had to come and say no this is too dangerous.
They're destroying the planet with their love and now we have to just limit everyone to seven years.
Oh my god this really does go into like depth here.
Look at those gross people that think about it.
On Stack Exchange you know that classic place where you normally get IT support from.
It's the usual place that you find exactly the problem you have and then someone says don't worry I fixed it and then don't say how they fixed it.
It's like thanks so much.
Well how do they solve the problem of reproduction when sex is not possible?
And oh my god who is it here? This is Valorum.
Turkey Bases.
There is a misconception among fans that Vulcans only mate during the pomfah, a seven yearly ritual in which they must mate or die.
Trek writer Dorothy C Fontana stated in an interview that Vulcans are both capable and willing to have sex outside of this period, presumably for the purposes of procreation and also to cement emotional closeness.
And oh my god they then go and quote.
I don't want to know. I think the pomfah thing was just like an evolutionary thing that forces them to do it. They have to do it.
They're driven to do it.
Yeah I live pomfah.
Yeah, for Bob every day is pomfah as a Vulcan.
He's the grandest of Vulcans out there.
The anagram of pomfah is Rob.
There's the film The Final Frontier where they basically go and find God.
And basically it's Spock's brother turns up and he believes in God and that emotion should be released rather than being holding back emotion.
You're basically that version of the Vulcans. You want them to release things.
I'm releasing emotions every day.
On the holodeck, where does the moisture go? We now know.
Yeah the new news are constantly recharging. They're busy, busy, busy.
Right anyway moving on, moving on.
Got to get past the image of you as a borg.
No, I'd be a good borg.
It's a good little borg. It's a good little borg TJ. T of J.
Now you'd be T of J 84.
Yes, I can.
That'd be you, wouldn't you?
She also wants to know who your Trek bestie be because she thinks hers would be quark.
Or quark. Are you meant to say his name? Quark?
It's quark I think. But people have said quark before I think. But yeah, quark is the official pronunciation.
It might be how it's spelled, quark.
So I have wrote Tendi.
Yeah another one you fancy.
And we've said this before. I don't fancy her. I like her personality but she's a cartoon TJ.
Jessica Bunny anyone?
I wasn't ever into that. I just the cartoon stuff. I don't get those people who are into animes and things.
I honestly don't get it.
I like watching anime but I don't understand why people like that.
But you're not there for the short skirts and pants up the bumcheats.
I'm there for the really terrible murders. Great fighting and death and blood and guts.
The pure brutalism of anime.
That's why I really like Kamitsu no Yaiba. There's so much cool demon slaying in that. It's brilliant.
So Tendi. I think that she's hilarious.
And she's like innocent to the ways of like as you know from that episode where she thinks she's made a dog.
When really she's just made this horrendous creature.
That's the kind of stuff I would openly encourage all the time.
Who would I be best buddies with?
I'd quite like to be like buddies with someone like Trip from Enterprise.
Kind of early days of Star Trek I guess.
He's cool though.
But if I came into the modern era, Boimler is more likely the one that I'd end up being friends with.
When exactly like him I'd be trying it with everyone but he'd be the one I'd end up with.
I wouldn't mind being mates with you know what Geordie actually.
I reckon Geordie would be a good love to hang out with when he's not being sexually predatorial.
You wouldn't want to do...
I'd like to think I could guide him in the right way.
You don't want to do some pottery or some painting with that muscly security guy from Lower Decks. What's his name?
Oh... Jax.
He wouldn't want to be his baby bear.
I'm warming to the idea.
I'm warming to it actually. We could both be little baby bears.
That's a really tough question actually.
I don't know because there's so many people within the Star Trek universe I would absolutely love to be friends with.
Anyone in Discovery I'd like to shoot but there you go.
I know who'd be my friend.
The Borg now known as Hugh.
No, Seven of Nine would be your friend.
No, she wouldn't.
She'd take one look at me and go, no.
She would hate us, yeah.
I don't get your jokes. I don't get your humour.
You're looking at my tits, you're not looking at my face.
Yeah, I'm up here.
Rob, I saw you sniffing my alcove earlier.
Stop cleaning my sleeping quarters, Rob.
That security camera was not necessary.
Harry Kim has already installed a crotch height communication camera.
Why do all our microphones spell?
Every time I'm around you, Rob, I lose three hours. I don't know what happens.
When I wake up clean and smell nothing.
I'm sorry, this is just going way too right.
It's just going to be a whole episode of me laughing.
You know what, Cisco.
Get rid of all Cisco.
I would absolutely would be mates with Cisco because I reckon you could have fun having a drink with him.
You could have fun doing kind of sporty fun activities.
And you also know he'd have your back in a shit situation.
He's the only one that dealt with Q properly.
Janeway just wants to shag him.
Picard wants to be his friend.
And then you've got Cisco just lumps him one.
Name someone who Janeway doesn't want to have sex with.
Dirty Kim.
I'm not so sure. I'm sure we can find an episode in the bank.
He'd have got promoted otherwise.
He would have got that extra pip.
Can you imagine poor Dirty Kim still a lowly, lowly unranked officer loser.
Right, blimey.
That's like 20 minutes of me laughing about answering one question from Karen.
I love hearing the edit of this.
Right. OK.
I can't beep it like the whole of the last variety show episode where all of everything I was saying was getting beeped.
I will leave all of this in.
I'm disappointed there's been no reviews on good pods for that because I thought that was a really good edit.
I think it's really funny. It's a good one.
Right. Next question from Layton J who is at Desert Confetti on Twitter.
So he's this goes on from some of the image stuff we were talking about a few episodes ago.
And he is right here.
I wonder how the image swears the Hippocratic Oath.
Does each one take an oath at Starfleet Medical before being sent to a ship's computer or did one image take an oath and they copied him.
What counts assuming it's taken seriously does the.
What counts assuming it's taken seriously done with sincerity and the image seems to recall it.
Would you reckon I bloody love that question.
Start with I think it's a brilliant question because it opens up so many plot holes in so many things.
I reckon each of them are programmed and have to take it before the ship leaves Star Trek or space.
I think basically the ship gets built computer gets put in and someone goes and turns on the image to test it goes right testing you.
Can you see me. I can see you do this do this is your library up to date.
Right. Now I need you to tell me what the Hippocratic Oath is and now I need you to take it.
That's kind of what Karen says she responds to it.
Yes she's saying do they take the oath or is it programmed into them.
Yeah I think you're right. I think that that that's in my head that's my head Canon that they get turned on and have to do it.
Yeah I think they're turned on they have to do it and that's that's kind of where it comes from.
My problem with it is when you come to and this is with any of the Star Trek doctors.
When you come to things like Star Trek six the film which is the undiscovered country.
So do you have you seen all the original Star Trek films.
Maybe right undiscovered country basically what happens is the enterprise is forced to meet with the Klingons the Klingons say they want peace.
They meet with a Klingon that wants peace and then suddenly the enterprise fires torpedoes and damages the bird of prey or cruise.
Now I think it's a bird of no it's a cruiser they're on I think.
I can't remember but anyway the Klingon that wanted peace on board dies.
They then get well Kirk and Bones then get sent to a prison colony and it turns out that they've done that because there's Klingons on board that ship that don't want peace.
And they're going to then go off to the peace conference and kill the lead Klingon who's going to be saying I want peace.
So that's the story of undiscovered country.
Now Bones in this episode after the accident of the enterprise allegedly shooting the the Klingons they beam over to offer medical help.
Okay.
These are Klingons and surely you would be taught at Starfleet Medical if you're taught about Klingon anatomy which I assume he has been even though he says my Klingon anatomy is shit which is fair enough.
Actually because at that point there is no peace and why would we know about it. He says my Klingon anatomy is crap.
Now I would have thought the Klingons would say no we don't want medical assistance from you because he needs to now die.
Like Worf in TNG basically says oh if I'm wounded I need to die so I can have an honorable death.
If you save my life it's not an honorable death and I'll be forever ruined by that whole experience.
So yeah Bones goes over tries to save the Klingon doesn't manage it but still tries to.
Now that's a problem for me because yeah that's then doing against what a race wants.
So going to Leighton's question it's fine doing the Hippocratic Oath if you're dealing with humans but what about every other fucking Federation race that could be on a starship or that you might encounter and help.
Do you think Starfleet has its own version.
Well do you think the Hippocratic Oath even exists at this point. Everyone is just expected to do their best to help each other.
I think it does. I think the spirit of it is still there.
Well in fact no we know it does doesn't it because the EMH in Voyager says I cannot do what you're asking me to so Janeway has to do it.
He never explicitly says why. You kind of implied that you know what's that the laws of robotics. You know is it that kind of thing it's built into him he physically can't.
Like when he doesn't kill Tuvok he physically can't do it.
You know whether he wants to do it or not.
Yeah you're right so is it against his programming not against the oath he's taken. So is he physically not able to do it because his programming stops him or is he able to do it and has a choice based on that oath that he has taken.
I think he does say though he's there to cure people not to kill them. He says something like that.
Something along those lines and I guess actually you could also say if you look at TNG, Crusher and Pulaski have several episodes where they say you're a doctor you're meant to be healing people you're not meant to be just using them as your kind of test bed and test surgery.
We talked about it earlier actually Hugh, I Hugh or I Borg whatever the episode name is where Beverly saves the Borg and they give them the name.
She says my job as a doctor is to save a life and this person's life needs savings so she saves him.
So yeah there obviously is something there but if it's anything it's got to be so much more vast or complex compared to what ours is because as I say, every Federation race is there's not every Federation race is going to agree, like I say, the Klingons.
If you're not friends with them in TNG, we should know that actually if we're in a battle and you're going down there and I mean look I'll take you back to the ambulance days that I used to work on. If you were dealing with a major incident, you had black tickets which meant dead.
You had red tickets which are your high priority then you had your yellow which is your next priority and then you had your green tickets which are their walking wounded you send them off over into a corner, and they get dealt with at the end.
So the red ones typically are, they've got an injury but they can't move and the red ones are these guys are going to be dead and be a black ticket very shortly.
So the black tickets what you did is you just walk past them as horrible as it is you just walk past them you didn't check anything because they already basically are dead or there's nothing there's literally nothing you can do just leave.
So the short of it is, and this is a very very quick non in depth conversation towards it but basically what the black ticket says is, we've got too many casualties.
This one is unlikely to be saved. So don't bother trying your red tickets basically take priority because an emergency scenario that you guys are putting stickers on people as you walk.
This is like a 911 kind of situation. Yeah, what we call a major incident.
And, yeah, I mean, the, that that's kind of where I'm getting at is in Star Trek if they had a massive battle situation, and they had four people with red tags so they are your priority.
In theory if someone's given a Klingon a red tag, they've done the wrong job because it's in a battle, the Klingon wants to die an honorable death in battle, they should have just been black tagged and left.
It's a really brutal way of thinking about it but it's true isn't it. No one should be beaming down going right I've got to deal with these six casualties. Oh, one of them is Klingon.
Right, let's see what we can do. No, black tag him and walk away. How do they deal with that in next gen because I bet there's times where warps.
In this episode, we should watch it at some point, her basically a very light plastic barrel lands on war, you hit bounces off it.
And it breaks his neck, and he becomes paralyzed from the neck down, and the entire episode revolves around him asking people to kill him, and everyone saying no, and this high flying doctor.
This is the prime episode actually to discuss this. He high flying doctor turns up saying, Oh, I'm here to kind of work with you for a little bit, then they deal with this mass incident where she practices and tests her own medical ideas rather than using the
trusted way, ending up killing people. And then she persuades war to have a really dangerous never tested medical procedure, which kills him. But it turns out all along that Klingons have loads of redundant organs and he suddenly comes back to life.
And then he can slowly learn to walk again because the procedure was a success. But then Beverly kicks her off the ship anyway saying you're a danger to my patients and you're danger to people you don't follow. In fact, yeah, you basically you don't follow the
Hippocratic Oath. You're just trying to get ahead of yourself and getting test results doing on real people fuck off off the enterprise. Right.
We should probably watch that episode actually. Let me look up the name very quickly. Wolf breaks his back. It is called ethics. ethics. Maybe we could watch that next.
Yeah, let's watch that next then let me find out what that's going to be. That is the 116th episode, season five, episode 16. And it's called ethics. Yeah, it's Beverly Crusher versus a doctor called Dr. Russell.
So we'll do that one next time. Yeah, and then the one after if we do one one after all if we have enough a question thing. It's got to be one of the stupid ones.
Yeah, no, that's fine. But my point about it is if when we've watched ethics, you'll see what I mean. Everyone's basically been asked by wolf to kill him and they also know I can't do that, which is fine.
They are human beings on the most part, and that just doesn't sit right with them even as a friend fine.
I mean, maybe you'd say as a friend, you should be doing it for him, but no one does. The doctor, however, if that was a Klingon doctor, the Klingon doctor would do it.
So the Klingon doctor would try and save him. No, the Klingon doctor would kill him, which is killing. Yeah, would kill him because he understands that he's no longer able to be an honorable warrior.
And then it's a horrible life for him to lead as a paraplegic. Yeah, the doctor on the enterprise refuses to. So does that mean she doesn't have to follow other races choices.
She just has to follow the human choice. And if she doesn't like it, she can just say, well, I'm not going to treat you.
I reckon that if you're a member of Starfleet, you sign away.
Well, when you go to a trampoline park, I understand I could die sign here. Yeah, well done. You're part of Starfleet now. Yeah, now you're part of Starfleet and we will try and save your life.
Here's your red shirt and you get a name badge if you survive the first year or you do like an opt out tick box on your login.
So then when when the NH comes over to you and he looks at your chart, he says, oh yeah, I see that you are.
Oh yeah, it says if you were mortally wounded during Pomfah, I am to remove remove the belt from around your neck.
Hide your pornography and let you die. OK, right. Fine. I can see that.
Hang on. And it's got delete browser history. Oh, yes. Delete browser history.
What I was going to say is, so if Klingons want to die in battle, does that mean the doctor's life is flipped?
So whenever there's a fight in Starfleet, that's the busiest time for a doctor. But in Klingons, he can just go and just have a rest because anyone that gets hurt, they don't want to be saved.
They want to die. So she's going, all right, great. Another battle. This guy I'm going to put my feet up.
It's when there isn't a fight and someone steps on a rake and it smacks him in the face and breaks their nose.
Then he's got to deal with that because he doesn't want them to get hurt then because they want to die from standing on a rake.
Do Klingons actually have that much of a medical service?
Because most of them, if they get hit in the face, will probably just say, oh, it was from a fight anyway, and they're not going to want it fixed.
There must be Klingon doctors. It's probably Klingon plastic surgeons.
Oh, yeah. Brilliant job last week. Gave a Klingon three extra ridges on his head. Really, really impressed with it. Really happy.
He was born lacking the ridges, but I've given him some more. I gave him more ridges.
I'm expanding out to the old Ferengi, going to give them bigger ears, bigger lobes.
Oh, yeah. Ferengi.
Can you imagine Ferengi doctors? It'd be like the American health care system.
Yeah, it'd be like that times a million, wouldn't it?
Right. Yeah. I gave you a shot of paracetamol. That's 50,000 bars of latinum, please.
Yeah, you're going to have to go and invade another Starfleet vessel to get the latinum for this one.
What's that? You haven't got the latinum? That's fine, because I've already taken your kidney.
Yeah. Transporter.
Transporter. Oh, my kidney.
Right. I think that's enough.
Command functions are offline.
Come join the borg.
It's not Helldivers.
I know we need to join Helldivers Anonymous. I know we do. We have a problem.
I was going to ask if you wanted to have a quick drop before we get to bed after this.
Just a quick drop. Just a quick one. I want to see this new ATT walker.
Yeah, we've got to go on to like difficulty seven or eight or something to see this.
Oh, really?
Yeah. And the flying ones are hard and above, I think.
They're specific missions to kill the flying things bases.
Oh, fair enough.
I think. I think. Right. So thank you for listening, everybody.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you. If you'd like to chat to us, we are everywhere.
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That's correct. Yeah.
Email us at podcasts plural at channel 84.co.uk or directly Rob or Tom.
Rob or TJ.
TJ. Sorry, Rob or TJ at channel 84.co.uk.
Yeah, we're on Twitter, Facebook, Blue Sky.
We don't check threads. We don't check. I do periodically.
Yes. That was the royal way.
I don't check any of them other than Twitter or emails.
And that's it. Yeah. So next next time we're going to be watching some next generation again.
Season five, episode 16 ethics to follow on from this conversation.
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So professional. I tend to be fucking bonks. Thank you to Karen.
And thank you to my wife, Miranda.
And thank you to Matt from Appoint a Cthulhu.
And thank you to our friend, Dan, for all their contributions to the shit show short that you would have heard at the start of this episode.
You'll notice that Tom and I aren't in this one. Yes, because the shorts are other parts of what's happening in the universe.
It's the the USS Shit Show main episodes that are us.
The shorts are the kind of the little bits happening in the background and any fan submissions, they all go in the shorts bits and kind of build a background of the world of stupidity that we're making.
Thank you very much, everyone. Thank you very much.
And thank you, TJ. One thing for you. Silence. Yeah. George.
This section has been redacted by the Studio Channel 84 thought police all parties that have participated in this discussion, both here and on the variety show have been sent for reeducation therapy.
We at Studio Channel 84 hope you have enjoyed this program.
Thank you for listening to the Channel 84 Untitled Trek Show.
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Excelsior.
In any case, Starfleet has made a decision that you will rendezvous with the science wrestle.
Oh my fuck me. That was a shit one. Sorry, Rob.
Bye, everybody. Bye bye.