Oh, right.
Fuck!
Computer!
Lights!
Ugh, I'm always stumbling into tables.
Where am I?
You are in your ready room, sir.
Oh, I'm gonna sneak in here again.
Ugh, why is this such a fucking mess?
It's like a bloody zombies fucking workshop in here.
What is that?
Oh, gross!
Who takes their socks off in here?
Computer!
Where's Ensign Cort?
Ensign Cort is currently in holodeck suite 6.9.
Perfect.
When he's done in there, get him to empty the waste canisters and also unblock the runoff
valves in suite 9 and 10.
It's starting to bloody stink in there.
Affirmative.
Ugh, what's that?
Wolfie!
Damn dog, you stink!
Computer!
Tell us against some styles with the clean-up in here, would you?
Affirmative.
Also, I want to know what's up with Wolfie.
Get him to take the dog down to sick bay.
It smells like he's killed a rabbit and shat out his brains.
Right, lovely.
Now I need a drink.
Computer!
Coffee!
Sorry, Captain, but the Replicators are currently experiencing maintenance.
A limited menu is currently available.
How the fuck can Janeway get coffee all the way in the Alpha Quadrant, but I can't get
it floating outside the fucking Bifo Nebula?
Jesus, right.
Give me a pint of Cthulhu, then.
Ugh, it tastes like piss.
Okay.
Captain's log.
Star date 2023.342.
We have just come to the end of our research mission just outside the Bifo Nebula, collecting
samples from the faeces of the space wells feeding on the material discharged from the
chemical slayers.
Two of the larger metal balls seem to have taken a fancy chasing after some of the shuttles
and appear to be trying to mate with them.
Hilarious, really.
But quite annoying.
They've been lovingly dubbed Paul and Eli by some of the low-decks crew.
Anyway, I digress.
Just as we started our preparations for our rendezvous with Captain Tom and the USS Piss
Take, we received an urgent message from Starfleet.
Admiral Chester's no doubt.
I must say it felt quite honoured.
Shame it wasn't a social call.
It was in fact another bloody side quest.
This time, she has us investigate in an odd subspace message.
The source appears to be from deep inside the Poniesum Quadrant.
Outpost 84, no doubt.
I'll attach the message to the end of this log for archiving.
Quite a bit of shit, but I'm assuming that's due to some kind of solar flare activity or
some fucking Trek bullshit.
Ugh, yeah.
Definitely piss.
Doh-doh-doh-dahh-doh-dah Can you read my mind?
Space.
Space. The final frontier.
These other voyages of the Starship Shichiru.
Its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds.
To seek out new life and new civilizations.
To boldly go where no one has gone before.
With coins, ears, lifespan or anything else in life.
We can do so much something with them, we can destroy the ruling and destroy all of them.
Entonces, a
Please select Captain's log file.
Captain Rob, USS Shit Show.
Stardate 2023.342.
Please select Attachment to Play.
Transmission Anomaly selected.
Commencing playback.
Welcome to the Untitled Trek Show with me, Tom and Rob.
And today we're looking at episode 25 of series one, Conspiracy.
Pardon me.
Oh, geez.
It's a great start to an episode.
So we're looking at another Star Trek The Next Generation episode.
Rob has never seen this and we thought we'd do the watch together.
Yeah.
And that's why it's taken so long to get this stream live.
But we think we've done.
Let me know what you think about how the 360 camera works
because it works as a single webcam.
You can see the screen and you can see us, which I think is really awesome.
And yeah, we're going to watch this live and talk about it as we go,
which might be highly annoying or it might be quite fun.
Feel free to fire your questions in.
Rob is monitoring Twitch.
I am monitoring Riverside and I'm going to be monitoring YouTube at the same time.
Hopefully I am anyway.
Well, I'm the only person in Twitch, so I'm not going to be doing much monitoring.
Those people might turn up.
I'm just saying if you've got people in the other two, then I'll take one of those.
Oh, right. OK, well, that's all I'm getting at.
I'm trying to work out how to get to the YouTube one at the moment, which I know.
Matt's there. Yeah, yeah.
Matt and Mark are in Riverside.
So hi, guys.
I will.
Here we go. Live. Look at that. Live.
Yeah, I found it.
Got it. I'm sure there's a much more professional way.
Oh, yeah. Hello, Karen.
Karen. Matt, you're in YouTube as well.
He's everywhere. Excellent stuff.
What we will do, I'll stick this to her in the future.
I'm going to send it something called Restream because Restream pulls all the chats into one place.
As well as just saying, there must be something more professional than what we're doing here.
Yeah, so that's good.
You couldn't find me on Twitch.
That doesn't surprise me. I'll share the links for that in the future, Karen.
So anyway, what we were saying, we are doing series one, episode 25, Conspiracy,
an episode which is full of conspiracy.
How long will it be before one of the members of the cast say conspiracy?
You've seen this, obviously. I've got to guess.
Are we going to have a running tally?
Oh, we should do.
Like threshold. Every time they said threshold, we should have counted.
Well, I'll try and keep count of every time conspiracy is mentioned.
But if everybody is ready and if everyone is happy with the audio levels,
I think we should get underway.
Otherwise, we're going to get to about one in the morning.
We may have actually watched half of an episode.
Yeah, that's rock and roller.
First officer's log, start 841 775.5.
It does look good, doesn't it?
It doesn't it?
Wow, we got seven seconds in before it got paused.
Look how beautiful that looks.
It does. It looks beautiful.
I'm loving the Rainbow Star Streaks.
The only issue I've got with the whole Star Trek ship side of things is the nacelles.
Look at them. They look beautiful.
It looks like a hot rod, but they fall off so often whenever there's a battle.
Why wouldn't you make it just something more solid?
Like the Temerians, their ship was nice and flat.
The engines were all built into the main body.
So it's like you can't just blast an engine off.
Yeah, so many episodes and the films you see the nacelle get blown off.
They obviously, the ships looks like that for a design perspective.
And then they had to science the design afterwards.
Yes.
You know, like is it a cooling thing?
They get so hot they need to keep it away from the rest of the ship or something.
Possibly, possibly.
But I think it's just a design choice because that is how the ships looked from the original series.
They went with that design, didn't they?
It looks sexy. Right, shall I continue?
Root to the ocean world, Pacifica.
While our mission is scientific in nature, we look forward to the warm blue waters and find beaches that make Pacifica a jewel of the galaxy.
So the guy staggers to his feet and goes back to the girl, right?
Well, she smiles, looks him straight in the eye and says, just try that in hyperspace.
I see.
So the difficulty in attaining such complex positioning in zero gravity environment,
coupled with the adverse effects it would have on the psychological well-being of the average human male, is what makes this anecdote so amusing.
Yes, very humorous indeed.
Hysterical, in fact.
I think what the later Star Trek's do, obviously, these guys couldn't.
I noticed it when we watched Threshold.
It didn't feel like the ship was full of people.
You think how many actors you actually saw in Threshold?
Because you didn't even see all of the main crew in the Threshold episode.
No, that's true.
You saw what? Picard, Riker, Worf.
Yeah.
Eventually you saw...
Hang on, we're getting...
Oh, for God's sake, this is all going wrong.
That's happened the last time we went in that thing, wasn't it?
You saw two sexy ladies who were on the ship, both of them in the same actress, playing both parts.
Then you saw La Forge, so I'm at six now.
And then Diana and Data.
And they were a massive starship and I've named just under ten people.
You're right, aren't you?
Really?
You think, what's the crew meant to be? Three to five hundred people, I think, on board, isn't it?
I'm sure someone that's fully versed in Trek will be able to tell us exactly what the number should be.
But you do see so view of the crew.
I get it from a budget perspective.
You're not going to have like a hundred actors, are you?
But when you watch like Noidex, which is a cartoon, and they've got people in the background,
people even people, you know, because they can just draw in the paying actors.
True.
It feels like a ship.
I think Deep Space Nine did it quite well.
There was extras.
Deep Space Nine did it amazingly well because on the promenade you had so many people walking around.
Doing just nothing, but everything at the same time, it felt really, really real.
But you're right on this, it feels very sterile.
You always get the same faces.
It's almost like the next generation is based on one shift pattern and it follows that one shift pattern of staff.
Yeah.
That's what it feels like, doesn't it?
It never feels like, except when you get to ten forward.
Otherwise, it's almost always the same faces you see.
And then they put all the, you know, the top bods all on the same shift.
So really, you want to go after the Enterprise when they're on their off shifts.
Yes.
Because you're going to get all the crappy people.
Because they put all the prime people.
Can you imagine what the another shift, the next shift could be like the funniest, coolest gang in the world,
but they don't get their own TV show.
They'd just be all boimlers.
That's the next shift.
None of them's got three pips like him.
Is that a wig?
Because that's fantastic hair.
Well, apparently they had to change his makeup so many times because...
You'd sweat it off.
No, not even that.
Between series, they had to come up with new ways of doing the eyes, doing the face makeup,
because apparently he got allergic to it.
They caked him in it so much.
He kept on getting allergies.
Oh, poor bastard.
I think the TNG Enterprise varies from 800 plus crew members and over a thousand adding extra people, families.
Yeah, and that's another weird thing, isn't it?
You said that.
That was Mark.
So another point is, they're not...
But we see one episode in the future when time gets changed and the Enterprise is actually a battleship.
But in this time, they're exploration, but they've got families on board.
But at the same time, this is the...
What's the name of it?
It's the frontline ship, isn't it, for the Federation?
It's the...
I can't think of the word for it now.
I kind of don't remember what they're called either.
But it's...
There you go.
Flagship.
Thank you, Mark.
It's the flagship for the Federation.
So you know that they're going to send that everywhere, whether it's battles, whether it's exploring.
And in fact, when you get those episodes where it's, oh, we're just monitoring a neutron star.
God, we're bored.
Why have we done this?
Yeah.
Why have you sent the flagship to deal with that?
Yeah.
But then why would you have families on board as well for the flagship, which you know you're going to be sending into battle?
So when the Borg are about, wouldn't you think they'd be like, right, call it back to Earth, all family members off the ship,
only actual crew who are going to do things should be on the ship at this point?
Yeah.
Don't you think?
But no, we still get Borg battles.
You still got families on board.
Yeah.
I'm agreeing that Karen actually agrees with me here.
She's wrote the finest open credits in Star Trek, in my humble opinion.
She had a crush on Picard.
Really?
Not, I would say not a general crush that I would expect people to have.
But as I've got older, I can appreciate.
Oh, I can...
I can really appreciate.
He's a good looking chap.
I can appreciate it, but this is the... this is kind of...
I mean, this was a bit earlier, I guess, but this is kind of the generation of TV I grew up with along with the X-Files.
So my crush went straight to Scully, Julian Anderson.
Yeah.
I don't think I had any crushes on anyone in this, actually.
And then she says Deep Space Nine can do one.
Oh, Deep Space Nine has got French horns.
It cannot do one.
Get over it.
I was never into it either, Carol.
I was never into Deep Space Nine.
I remember seeing the adverts for it.
And I remember watching half of the first episode before my mum and dad dragged me off to a school event that my brother was taking part in, which was really disappointing.
And I was just so excited because this was going to be the first Star Trek I was getting to watch from the beginning.
Deep Space Nine?
Yeah.
But yeah, there you go.
Right, well, let's carry on and see how boring data can be by not understanding a joke again.
And yes, Karen, Geordie is a perv.
Yes, he's a lech.
Geordie realising that's how all the women think about him.
Yep.
Those who have been shat in the...
This is pre-beard.
22 hours, 14 minutes, sir.
Do you think Ryker and Deanna ever went into Picard's office and just shat?
Oh, all day.
I know I won't.
Look at him now.
I've been really looking forward to a nice swim.
You want to work, Hansel?
But the holodeck can be programmed to recreate an oceanic environment.
Data, it's just not the same.
A swim in what, Deanna?
Ryker's come.
Have you ever been for a real moonlight swim?
They're literally talking about swimming in the holodeck.
Yeah.
He's literally saying it.
Where does the moisture come from?
Where does the moisture come from and go to, Data?
We do have to get that as a t-shirt.
I think we need to get a t-shirt with Ryker, the holodeck behind him, and then just above it is,
where does the moisture come from?
Yeah.
Take it one step further.
First contact.
I think it's first contact.
Deanna and Ryker are getting married and they are on board a galleon in the holodeck and
they make people walk the plank into the water.
Data pushes Dr. Crusher into the water.
If they turned off the program at the wrong point, does she just go smash onto the floor?
Yeah, I guess so.
Is that why she's so pissed off in that?
Because she's like, that wasn't funny, Data.
Is it not funny?
Because she realizes that actually the safety protocols aren't going to stop her if someone
stops the program and she's falling.
Safety protocols go with it, mate.
He's got flexor grey in that.
He does, doesn't he?
Yeah.
Do you think that's the white makeup or do you think they try to put wires into his hair to
make it look like it's robot hair?
They do look like those weird little fiber optic wires that they have in him, don't they?
Yeah, who knows?
One can swim in moonlight?
Yeah, mate.
How about you, Mr. Wharf?
I'm going to go murder someone.
Swimming is too much like bathing.
He's got decent hair this time.
Oh, so we understand that.
So Wharf doesn't bathe.
So he must stink on the bridge.
No, I bet he has sand baths.
It is code 47, sir.
He's a chinchilla.
Starfleet emergency frequency.
Code 47.
Captain's eyes only.
Code 47?
Captain, I'm sorry to disturb you.
Wow, look at that bed.
That pillow cannot be comfortable.
There is no way he was asleep.
Dude, what has he got on him, though?
That's like a curtain.
You know, fabric they make curtains out of.
I'm sorry.
It looks like rubber sheets.
It does look like easy clean.
Wipeable.
Yeah.
The captains, they learn early on.
The captain just give him easy clean surfaces.
But that pillow, there's no way he was sleeping.
Do you think he does that so he wakes up immediately
at the drop of the hat?
He basically never sleeps.
That's why he's always pissed off.
Looks more like a chair.
It looks like a sofa bed and he's
forgot to fully put it down.
A futon.
Yeah.
That doesn't look comfortable at all, does it?
An incoming message.
Code 47, sir.
Pipe it through.
Oh, it's shiny underneath.
This is an emergency communique.
It is not to be discussed with fellow officers
unless deemed absolutely necessary.
There will be no-
Why is he pouring water from one cup to another cup?
That's just a slightly smaller cup than the other cup.
That's not like, he's not like decanting it
out of a nice looking jug.
Yeah, but-
That cup there is the same size as the cup next to it.
I think, though, what you've got to remember there,
Picard is one of those people that you
must use the forks and the knives in order,
going from the outside to the inside.
If you start from the inside and go to the outside,
I bet you it would really upset him.
And he's the same person.
That cup is my dedicated water holding cup for pouring.
I can't drink out of it.
He's that anal.
Yeah.
New record of said transmission.
What odd lid.
Understood.
No, no, it's bigger.
The cup's important.
Who's bigger than the other cup?
Picard, Jean-Luc, Captain, US Enterprise.
Oh, there's that chest again.
Voice print verified.
Walker.
Hello, Jean-Luc.
It's been a long time.
Too long, old friend.
And I'm here with my chest now.
Why are you contacting me on this frequency?
It was a difficult decision.
I felt it was worth the risk.
Risk?
It's about Starfleet.
About something we've always considered to be impossible.
I don't understand.
I can't explain it now.
We need to talk face to face.
You're using a code 47.
I have to know what all this is about.
Not over subspace.
No.
Well, for God's sake, Walker, this is a secured channel.
No.
Walker's got a bit of attitude, Troy.
I want you to meet me on Vitalix B.
When?
Immediately.
Oh, not possible.
We're expected at Pacifica.
I can wait.
You owe me, and you owe it to yourself.
Do you hear what I have to say?
Does Vitalix Gilling sound like a noughties or tens dubstep band?
Yeah, I guess it does, yeah.
Related single from Vitalix B.
I've got to say, I'm not particularly
impressed with the acting quality of this scene.
Walker is terrible.
Picard is trying, and he's working with Mr. Wood.
You know what's happening?
They're not actually talking to each other.
I don't think someone's actually doing the lines to him.
I think he's doing his lines waiting.
Doing his lines waiting.
I think you're absolutely right.
There's nothing on the screen in front of him.
It's just a piece of green that they've
then green screened later.
What I don't get, though, he's on code 47.
They're on a ship full of computers.
Are you telling me that nowhere, absolutely nowhere,
the computer will not keep a log of what's
been happening right now?
So if we're being led to believe that there's an urgent problem
and 47 is Captain's Eyes only, no one in the Federation
knows that that message has been sent,
except for the two ships that have been sent between.
I can't believe that for a second.
Yeah.
Gosh, I can't get over.
He's really attractive.
I'm going to get a man crush.
I think Kevin's in the right path.
That's why you paused on the chest, isn't it?
That little wisp of hair there.
It's just amazing that he looks old and young at the same time.
I don't know how he manages to do that.
You think this is 30 years ago as well?
He's always looked the same age to me.
Oh, I don't know.
He looks old in Picard.
He really does look old now.
Yeah.
Who's that actress?
She's a dame now.
She was M in the recent Bonds.
Judy Dench.
She is the same.
She looks old now, but there's a long period of time
she just looked like a nice old lady for a long period of time.
He just looks like a nice old man.
Well, it would be grumpy in this particular pause scene.
Yeah, potentially.
Potentially.
Don't trust anyone.
Remember that, Shalmyk.
Don't take anything for granted.
Yeah, don't take anything for granted.
That Alex B will be waiting.
This must have had a different director,
because this music seems a bit off.
Don't forget, this is the last of the series,
so everything will have been put into this.
This is the episode before the last one.
No, this is the last one.
Oh, is it?
Yeah.
Oh, is this going to be a cliffhanger?
Oh, god, this isn't a two-parter, is it?
Have we chosen the two-parters?
Oh, no.
We're shooting in next week.
I don't think we know.
No, we don't.
I don't think it is.
These are the voyagers of the Starship Enterprise.
I'm sure it's not.
I'm going to have to check Netflix to explore
strange new worlds.
I'm not seeing the message.
To seek out new life and new civilizations.
We're going to see.
Have we already missed it?
We've seen people walking on the top.
I don't know.
Oh, no, you're right.
It's episode 24, not 25.
No, it is 25.
No, it's not.
It's 24.
Oh, Quentin Pan actually.
It's 25.
Oh, dear.
Either way, it is a single-parter.
So, we're fine.
It's not going to be a two-parter.
That's good.
Can anyone tell me, is the TV
too loud versus the speaker?
This is it.
You see the people walking around.
Yeah, which I think is very cool.
I'm going to turn the TV down slightly,
because I think it is quite hard to hear us talk at the same time.
So, hang on a minute.
I know it is the main part.
Give me a moment.
Oh, there's a sexy lady walking around.
There we go.
I turned it down ever so slightly.
Yes, they had 12 hit singles.
Oh, Deanna's got a twig that something's going on.
Just like everyone else has, because it's been a stupid,
strange order.
Again, she's not needed.
Not the bridge.
She's dying to say,
well, something's wrong with the captain.
He's unhappy.
He's uncertain.
I think everyone knows that.
Do you know?
Just twist the knife in doubt.
I have the readout on Ditalics B commander.
That didn't look like his reflection, by the way, just then.
Really?
It looks like a weird thing.
What have you got?
Ditalics B is the fifth of six planets.
Yes, she is again.
The red giant known as Mira.
What?
Oh.
One side always faces the sun,
where temperatures reach up to 180 degrees.
Another impracticality of this.
Throw the pause face on Riker.
It looks like he's just climaxing.
And Data's like, why is my back wet?
Well, the point I was about to say, his data's head height was
exactly Riker's crotch height.
Exactly.
That seems like an impracticality of that.
Another impracticality of that bridge.
Don't forget.
Jonathan Frakes is actually very tall.
Okay.
But yeah, it is an impracticality.
Great.
If you want to be canceled every five minutes by all the female
dancers.
I'm a temporary.
Turn that chair and night.
Can you please remove your cock?
They are long deserted.
Why the devil are we going to this planet?
Are there any miners or indigenous life forms on the planet?
I believe the answer to both questions is no, sir.
In a manner of speaking, it is nothing but a lifeless hunk of rock,
a useless ball of mud, a worthless chunk of AccuData.
I get the idea.
Pause it for a moment.
Mark's made quite a valid point there.
The Enterprise D had a maximum speed of warp 9.6, which we rarely see.
That's close to the threshold.
Threshold.
But it's so urgent that Picard has said warp seven.
Yeah, why didn't he go faster?
Wouldn't you think you'd want to get there faster, seeing that
you've been told to get there as it's critical?
Yeah.
That's a very well made point.
Sorry, I'm bumping my microphone here trying to get myself comfortable.
Oh, worry, I can't hear it.
That's the nice thing about having a shock mount on it.
Excuse me.
Right.
Captain, we are approaching Ditalic B.
Warfage Pistach.
She's just walking around.
Sorry.
She's just walking in circles around the bridge.
She's walked that route and then she walked past them.
Then she says, why did she, what is she doing?
What's her job?
Other than being eye candy for Riker, what is she doing there?
I know you look actually quite comfortable.
They do look really nice, but you've got to think,
she's probably wondering, well, Deanna's not here,
so this is my chance.
I've got to make myself visible to Riker.
Yeah, she's doing catwalk.
I'll get you.
I'm the catwalk.
I want to see that woman again walk past.
Oh, it's a different woman.
Oh, no, it's different.
She's now still at the back.
It's a different woman.
I have to post.
Identify.
Two of frigates.
The Renegade, commanded by Trila Scott, and the Thomas Payne.
It's just me complaining there isn't enough extras
and now I'm complaining that the extras are there.
The third is just coming into range now, sir.
It is Ambassador Class Heavy Cruiser USS Horatio.
Oh, the Ambassador Class is a wonderful designer.
Isn't that Walker Keel's ship?
Attempts at communication have been ignored by all three vessels.
Yeah, Cowell's made a good point.
They are trying to be a bit inconspicuous,
so maybe going at 9.7 might make it a bit conspicuous,
whereas going back home at 7, maybe that's a standard...
But they're not going home.
They're going to Titanic's Bay.
Well, maybe...
They're going to a rock, chunky, muddy planet
that's got nothing on it.
Maybe 7 is like a fast cruising speed.
Yeah, true.
Where it's not going to raise any red flags.
Also, I guess it's due with distance.
If it's not actually that far away,
you don't want to overshoot it by doing 9.6 and going...
And you're there. I don't know.
Computers, yeah.
We said this before, isn't it?
Open AI 6 million is going to be making that decision.
Yeah, TomTom version 9.
They put the wrong prompt into the chat,
so they ended up in the Alpha Quadrant.
Shit, done it again.
Oh, well, we'd better find some coffee and get on our way back.
It's all right.
We've got the line made out from Wim Voyager.
I know they wouldn't have.
No, they wouldn't have.
No further attempts, Mr. Wharf.
Any life form readings on the surface data?
Three, sir.
All gathered inside what appears to be...
That doesn't count as a puzzle.
...the entrance to a mining tunnel.
Oh, well.
Relay those coordinates to the transporter room
at Beaming Down.
Alone, Captain?
Or if you wanted to do it securely,
you would have just given Picard the coordinates
and he would have memorised them.
Rather than sending them over to a computer console,
which, if you're worried about things being monitored,
they've now gone.
Yep.
As everything's interconnected,
the ships are permanently connected back to everyone else.
I do love these sets.
They were so basic, but they look good.
Yeah.
That'd just be a screen now,
one of those Disney panoramic screens, wouldn't it?
Well, that's probably mainly most of the set
they use for the black oily blob thing.
They've got running water too and everything.
Yeah, the black oily blobs on this
look exactly the same as this.
Is this season one as well?
That's... Yeah, no.
Season two, I...
Again, I don't know...
I don't know when Denise Crosby died.
She's the... Well, died in the series,
not in real life.
It's a trap!
It's a zip face, man.
Oh, I went for Star Wars, and it's the...
fish face bloke.
Ah, there's Mr. Wood.
Careful, because it's a conspiracy.
I haven't had...
Don't answer the question.
A bar.
We said we'd never talk about this again.
It's a bar.
Oh, it's a bar.
They shared a jacuzzi.
Do you recall the night you introduced Jack Crusher to Beverly?
No, for a while that I hadn't met Beverly,
then you introduced them.
My brother introduced them.
You don't have a brother, two sisters, Anne and Melissa.
What the hell is all this about?
Apologies, Captain.
I reckon I was that guy, you know?
He's been in a lot...
Is he a normal kind of costume actor?
I think so, yeah.
I believe we've met.
The Altarian conference.
And Captain Scott.
No.
An appropriate touching of a female in the staff.
That HR complaint coming in.
Hey, on Starfleet's finest,
two frigates and an ambassador class.
Well, it's because you know there's no wars going on.
True.
What race is he?
Antarian, did he just say?
Some impressive eyebrow makeup going on there.
It's great makeup.
It's really good makeup.
That looks better than Worf's makeup in this first series.
Worf's makeup looks a bit like plasticine just smudged across his forehead.
Well, there's a...
I don't even know if he's been banned yet or not, actually.
An old comedian, Alexi Sale,
did a TV show of him doing spoofs and various little kind of clip show bits.
And he did a piss-take of Star Trek.
And you've got Alexi Sale as Picard.
And they've got the actor pretending to be Worf.
And they're all laughing behind his back.
And he comes over and they go, whoa, laughing.
And Picard turns to him and says,
Mr. Worf, did you know your head looks like you've put your head in a bucket of shit?
And he looks in the mirror like, oh, no one told me.
Why do I?
I'll have to dig out the clip for that one.
But his makeup in series one was not good.
That is impressive.
Although it's interesting.
Look at his eyes and you can see how sore his eyes must be
from whatever chemicals they're using there.
Excuse me, I'm still rustling around this mic to get it comfortable.
Yeah, that looks like he's probably got...
He's got red eyes.
His eyelids are obviously swollen and aggravated.
Is it contacts? He's got bad contact lenses in.
Possibly.
Because I've heard a lot about, especially the olden times,
that the contact lenses were really rough.
They were hard.
Yeah.
Anyway, let's keep going.
To discuss the threat.
What threat?
Have you noticed anything about Starfleet Command lately?
Anything unusual?
No.
But we've been on the outer real list.
We haven't had much contact with them.
There you go.
Some of us have seen strange patterns emerging.
Unusual orders.
High-ranking officials backing irrational proposals.
Starbase 12 was completely evacuated for two full days.
No explanation given.
And what about the deaths?
McKinney, Ryan Seipp, Una Karaklidis.
There are so many names that mean so much to us at this point.
That's a great name, though.
A series of accidents.
Or so they say.
It's hard to be certain of anything.
Interfleet communications are at a minimum.
But something is happening.
And we fully expect the Enterprise to be targeted soon.
Targeted for what?
No one knows what to do with the realms, do they?
No.
Damage on Luke, I tell you that some of Starfleet's top command people are changing.
This could affect the very core of our organization.
Officers I've known for years are bluffing their way through talk of old times.
That's their weakness.
A lack of memory.
Thanks.
He doesn't believe us.
He thinks we're crazy.
You give me no idea what you believe in?
Just a lot of vague talk about strange patterns.
Irrational proposals.
Who's behind this? And to what purpose?
How are people being changed?
I can't say exactly.
But I think it's spread to my own ship.
My first officer hasn't been the same since we stopped off at Earth.
So it's spread to your own ship, and you've brought them here to meet with Starfleet's finest.
We know we don't have all the answers.
Not a good move.
All we ask is that you keep your eyes open.
That's sound advice at any time, Captain.
Stay in touch with us. Covertly.
This meeting never took place as far as Starfleet is concerned.
Covertly, not conspiracy.
Yep.
Please.
I'm asking this as a personal favor.
Oh, we've got a cat attack.
Scylla.
I'm glad, Jean-Luc.
I'm glad you're still one of us.
Tell Beverly I...
I said hello.
No, no.
He's not allowed to. He says covert.
Also, can I just point out that this is absolutely standard.
Say to someone I said hello, you know they're not coming back from this.
Yeah.
Friends, close friends, a few and far between.
Two of the oldest and closest.
Jack Crusher, may he rest in peace, and walk at Keel.
Before various missions split us up, we were virtually inseparable.
I trust Keel completely.
If he felt it necessary to violate regulations, he must have had a very good reason.
But you're putting your career at risk for him.
Friendship must dare to risk, counselor.
But it's not friendship.
They illicitly use the emergency channel to draw you here.
Then they ask you to keep secrets from your superiors, effectively to disobey Starfleet regulations.
People involved in this are of the highest caliber.
Sorry.
I didn't believe in their loyalty. I wouldn't have gone this far.
Would you trust Deanna with all of this? You've been told not to tell any of your senior staff, and you're telling her.
Yeah, immediately tell her, yeah.
And also, we've seen other episodes where Deanna says, they're down on the planet, but I can feel that they're safe.
There's nothing untoward.
Was she not paying attention to Picard down there and went, oh, I can send some other people down there with him.
Let's see how they feel.
I don't know. Her powers are different based on what works for the plot.
Exactly. What works for the plot that she's half human.
The fact that she can feel somebody on the planet, you know, as if she can feel the senses of everyone on the planet.
It just makes me think of Mean Girls. Have you ever seen Mean Girls?
No.
Great film. And there's a bit at the end, the dozy blonde that they've set up as just this really ditzy.
She's she always insists that she can tell the weather by her breasts and she just ends holding one of her.
I think it's going to rain today while it's raining. And that's exactly what I get from Deanna.
I feel like he's happy while everyone's at a birthday party cheering.
I get the kind of same energy from her.
I love that idea. It's raining. I just feel my tear.
I'm liking my new co-host here.
She's covering you in care.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
She's named after, let me tell you what, she's her name's Scuba.
Right.
She's named after, not Scuba diving.
She's named after a very short run of an alcoholic beverage by Foster's.
Oh, God, yes.
Yeah, the Scuba cans. Yeah, she's named after that.
I remember those.
They were lovely.
So there's a story behind that. Sorry, we're getting distracted now.
Of course we are.
There's a story behind it that she was named after that can and they discontinued it not long after I got her.
I sent a picture of her in a bar in the sink upstairs saying, oh, I'm really disappointed.
Basically, I was writing the letter from the cat to Foster's saying how disappointed was they're not doing anymore.
They got a reply and the reply was like, oh, yeah, we're really sorry that we aren't making anymore.
And then one time I was driving to Manchester not long after and a Foster's truck drove past me with all the Scuba branding on the side of it.
And I managed to naughtily take a photo of it and reply to the other email saying, if you're not selling it, why are you still advertising everywhere?
And then they sent me a glass and a special letter to the cat.
We'll have to bring that up in the main podcast at some point.
I'm going to send you a couple of things that you've written and got back as I've got a cracking one about Blue Peets to go with that.
Yeah. We'll do that in the next episode.
That's Deanna telling us the obvious.
Only 15 minutes in.
I don't even know the conspiracy yet.
There's a little fish in that.
There's nothing in it.
I don't think there is anything in it.
I think it's just a little bit of a
close.
They've got to say everyone else is in like a tight thing.
She gets her proper uniform.
I have an assignment for you specifically suited to your training.
Oh, I see.
Officers trainers in in Rikers courses.
Is it?
Yeah, he is the instructor.
This is an examiner.
Please access all Starfleet command orders to Starships star bases and colonies for the last six months working.
See, there you go.
There's no way anything is going to be kept secret.
But killing on there by the way.
Do you think actually he would just interface with it?
I was just thinking exactly the same thing.
I understand he's got a USB C cable somewhere he could just jam in.
Did you see Walker?
No.
I would have loved to have seen him.
It wasn't possible, doctor.
Captain, I'm picking up an unusual disturbance in the nearby quadrant.
Confirmed, sir.
Sector 63.
Specify what kind of disturbance.
Hard to say at this distance, sir.
I guess the trip to Pacifica will have to wait.
Uh-huh.
Let's investigate.
I always feel like the way Ryker, his posture.
He's very shoulders back, chest up, proud posture.
He's always posturing, yeah.
But is that also partly to do with all the chairs we've done for normal height people?
And he's just tall, so it doesn't work.
I'm sure he's chest being pushed forward by the headrest.
Yeah, maybe.
Sensor is beginning to pick up small objects, sir.
On screen.
The card looks tall as if it made his seat higher.
Marks put the USB cable as a part of his fully functional body.
Enlarge and identify.
It looks like space shit.
Debris.
Well done, well done.
You can't believe he just said that.
It looks like debris.
We are in close proximity to that planet.
Why is the chief engineer there?
Why would his engineering panel be on the bridge?
Just because in a massive situation, everything can be managed from the bridge,
so you can give direct orders in case communications get severed.
But from the amount of the wreckage.
I'm sorry, sir. It can only be the Horatio.
I'm glad he said the name of it, because for some reason my head is the USS Hiroshima
and that would just not have been appropriate.
Tense music adverts.
Captain's personal log, Stardate 41776.1.
The apparent death of Walker Keel has had a powerful impact.
That's something that, well, round and round I always play that game
when we're watching stream stuff, these people on television.
But we don't see adverts, we see Apple babies.
And the reason we say that is because we watched the entirety of Fringe on DVD.
And it still had all the adverts sections, but what they did was, it was a different,
they just brought up a picture, like clearly some kind of advertising picture for Fringe.
And one of them was like an X-ray of an apple cut in half with two babies where seeds would be.
Very weird, so I used to say apple babies.
And we used to have a competition where who could say what we could see on the picture of the advert first.
So now we have a game that whenever everyone's going to be in there,
Karen I expect you to now to do this, whenever you're streaming something
and it's an advert position, it's the first person to say apple babies wins.
Right, okay.
So we can play that game because there'll be at least one more advert in this.
Oh, at least.
Yeah, maybe two. So we'll do apple baby game.
Nice.
Okay, and now you're going to play that for the rest of your life.
I now believe there may be a cancer growing within the ranks of Starfleet.
Also, why is he doing a private log?
I'm not sure.
Yeah, there's no proof of anything.
The last time I saw Admiral Quinn, he tried to warn me about a subversion within the Federation.
And Walker tried. He's dead.
Is this like a prerequisite to the shape-shifters in the
Personally, I don't believe this conspiracy theory.
No.
Right.
Still going.
Startling. Quite extraordinary in fact.
Direction unclear. Please repeat request.
Robot porn.
I was simply talking to myself.
A human idiosyncrasy triggered by a fascination with particular set of facts.
So if he was a porn hub, does he have porn conduit?
Or used as a means of weighing information before reaching a conclusion.
Or as a... porncundua.net
Going back to the fully functional body, where does the moisture come from for the holodeck?
He has canisters.
Please continue with record scan.
Like Peter Parker has canisters. He's got canisters.
I've got quickly inserted reload trigger.
Does he go up his backside?
I was going to say, where does it go?
Or has he got like a panel that opens up his penises?
But we have no fact. We have to assume that the explosion was an accident.
Nice artwork.
Number one, I believe that what happened on the Horatio was sabotage.
But we can't be certain. Perhaps we can.
Sabotage.
My orders were to search for abnormal patterns in Starfleet's directives.
I believe I have found just that.
Beep beep beep beep beep.
Look at that out the back window, a little bit of a nebula.
It was, yeah. Right in his shoulder.
But this has been remastered, remember. So this is how it would look when we watched it the very first time.
Usually in the command areas, the new officers have had frequent contact with the highest levels of Starfleet command.
Why hasn't anyone discovered this before?
The orders were given with great subtlety.
His eyes look so tired.
To use an aphorism, Starfleet's left hand did not know what its right hand was doing.
Ada, can you speculate as to the purpose of these reassignments?
No.
I believe it is a fantastic attempt to control vital sectors of Federation territory.
Someone's going to fucking do everything for you?
This could be a prelude to an invasion.
But who's behind it?
There's insufficient data to make such an assessment.
Why is his arm supposed to be like that?
Are you suggesting that we walk over to Starfleet's headquarters and demand...
It is, yeah. You know what? It's plexiglass, isn't it?
The window of the Enterprise is dirty.
Yeah, that's plastic.
And he's going to be livid that they haven't had the window cleaners out.
Yeah, he's going to go like...
Aren't they force fields anyway?
No, there are windows in there.
For some reason I thought they were all force fields, the windows.
No, I think...
Which seems real big impracticality for if there's a power failure.
No, they can't be. They've got to be windows because there's at least two episodes where
Geordie's like, we have to turn off the main... we've got to turn off the whole ship,
reboot it for us to get the systems back online.
And if you're turning off the whole ship, that must include force fields as well.
Are windows not a massive problem with the strengthening of the side of the ship?
Submarines don't have windows.
Don't forget, this is Star Trek.
Think back to your original series films.
Star Trek The Voyage Home, which is Star Trek IV.
Do you remember that one?
It's Save the Whales?
Yeah, I remember the Whales, yeah.
Scotty invents or gives them the designs for transparent aluminum.
Oh, yeah.
That's what it is. It's not glass. It's transparent aluminum.
Oh, wow. That's... yeah, well, good tonnage.
That's all I can think it is.
No, it's got to be it.
I don't know what's going on.
I feel like such a geek.
Good geek points on that one.
Is there anything in the chats, by the way?
No, I've been checking YouTube.
I don't think any of us can rest easy.
Until we've been to the source.
Until we've gone and got the Barbeque sauce, we can't do anything.
Captain's personal log supplemental.
While it is quite unusual for a starship to return to Earth,
we seem to be left with no other choice.
I have apprised the remaining bridge crew of our situation.
Oh, look. Redhead.
Approaching Earth, Captain.
There's the other one back.
Stand at orbit, Mr. LaForge.
Stand at orbit, sir.
Oh, policy violations or something, apparently.
Hey, where have I stopped your command data?
Nothing so far, sir.
Strange.
YouTube's booted us off policy violations.
We're not live, anyone, on YouTube.
No.
I can imagine why, because we're airing a TV show.
So the YouTube algorithm's watched and gone.
Copyright protection.
So we're probably going to need a Twitch talk.
Possibly.
Um, oh.
That is a shame.
Greetings, Enterprise.
I am Admiral Savard. This is Admiral Aaron.
So everyone's gone.
So Riverside's still streaming. Don't panic.
Riverside's still going. I don't know if Twitch is still going.
Every time I close the app, though, it logs me out of the chat.
So if you don't mind checking Twitch.
Um, oh, look at this, though.
These three look shady.
Well, Twitch is... YouTube's still there for me.
And I believe you already know Admiral Quinn.
That's unusual.
Yes, indeed. It's good to see you again, Admiral.
And you, Captain.
Of course, we are always delighted...
Oh, YouTube's working again. Very odd.
...yet we are puzzled by the timing of your visit.
Yes, sir. I can imagine that you would be.
Governor Dillerplane of Pacifica informs us that you cancelled your schedule. Stop there.
Oh, no, yes. It's really unavailable.
Yes, sir, it is.
Explain yourself, Captain. Why have you returned to Earth?
Karen says it's back now.
I would rather discuss that in person, Admiral.
I'm sure you would, Picard.
Excuse us for one moment, Captain.
I recognise that guy as well. That guy just whispered in his ear.
He's not the one that tries to, um...
I seem normal enough.
...make data...
On the surface.
He is, isn't he? He's the one that tries to say, I want to take data to bits.
Hard to say.
Yeah, I think he is.
Was that season one?
I must say I'm not overjoyed to see Remmick again.
It must have been.
Considering what we've found, the response has been pretty temperate.
I don't like it.
Or was it?
You can't trust them.
No, it might be the drumhead, the legal one, where they're investigating this ship.
We'd be delighted if you and your first officer would join us for dinner.
Yes, delight.
It would give you a good opportunity to expatiate your own viewpoint.
Elaborate upon whatever it is that's troubling you.
The one on the right that didn't say anything.
Honestly looked like he was that confused old man.
Why am I hearing who these people are again?
I'll meet you in the reception area in, say, 20 minutes?
The guy in the middle's been in a few episodes, right?
I think so.
I won't be able to attend dinner, I'm afraid.
Oh, there you go, he's speaking.
But I would like to see the ship and say hello again, Captain.
Of course. We look forward to seeing you, Admiral. Enterprise out.
I think the other two are whatever is happening and him on the right isn't part of it.
He's part of it.
He's still on our side. Mr. Data, you have the bridge.
Aye, sir.
Lucky you, Mr. Data. Not you, Deanna. You'll just crash the ship.
Sorry, I feel like we're really harsh on Deanna, or you probably should be.
There are worse characters than her.
I don't think she's a...
I'll address it. I don't think she's a particularly bad character.
I just don't understand why she's given so much responsibility on the ship
when she's an important role of being the counsellor.
We've gone on about how much these ships need them.
But I don't know why she should be on the bridge.
Yeah, she should be in her own loft. She shouldn't have a chair.
Is there no one on the ship right now that needs counselling?
Yeah.
I bet you she does an hour a day counselling,
and then the other 11 hours of her shift she's just up on the bridge.
Yeah, exactly.
With Riker.
Yeah.
Or Worf at one point.
Yeah, your ship's gone down for me. I can't see it.
Yeah. Oh, well.
MUSIC
There's ZX Spectrum.
MUSIC
What the fuck is that?
That...is the problem.
Oh, it's him.
Are you ready to beam up to the Enterprise, sir?
Yes, Commander. Point ready.
There, I'm sorry, I'm going to pause it again.
It's actually completely irrelevant,
but that just reminded me of the moment I opened the box and seen that thing.
I saw a trailer for that Blackberry film.
I thought it was a film, but it looks like it might be a three-part series.
Have you seen anything about it?
No, I've not seen it.
Do you know, always sunny in Philadelphia?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, one of the guys in that is in it.
OK.
And they put a prototype of the Blackberry in front of these people on this board.
And it's a Game Boy.
Sorry, I get what you say. Yeah, I think it's a series.
I saw a clip of it the other day. It looked really good, actually.
Yeah, it does look really good.
But it's funny, they just put the thing down in front of them,
and it was the outer case of a Game Boy.
So I don't know if they just don't expect people to know that,
or that's actually what they did as part of the prototype.
No, that might be what they actually did.
It would be interesting to find out if that's true,
because as soon as you put it down, it's the back half of one.
What are they doing with that?
He does look like the guy.
Energize, Mr Remick.
Yeah, he's Remick. Yeah, yeah.
So he's got a kind of yurt-clucking thing.
Apple Babies.
Apple Babies, yeah! You beat me.
I reckon that was it.
Yeah, I reckon that was it.
Good game, isn't it?
Hello again, Commander.
I must say, you're looking remarkably well.
Well, that could have been the... that's the tell then, knowing they've not met.
When you were here last, you were saying that you were feeling tired.
Tired of life I was, but not anymore.
I'm ready for new challenges now.
What about another look at the ship?
How did it not pick up the monster in the box?
Oh, we've got an email now from YouTube.
Has removed your content.
Just this one thing.
Community guide?
I think we've got community strike.
What does that even mean?
That we were really naughty.
How naughty is this, though?
Oh, it's just a warning, but if it happens again, your channel will get a strike,
and you won't be able to do things like upload, post or live stream for a week.
So we better not do it again, because actually we post quite a lot with the upload of the...
Oh, we just won't put it on YouTube then?
Yeah, so we won't live stream to YouTube again.
Sorry, guys, we'll just do it to Twitch and we'll do it to Riverside, because that seems to work.
And to be honest, if Twitch disappears, that's not a problem.
And if we do post this video to YouTube, you just put a black box over the TV screen.
To be fair, we're probably only going to take the audio from this anyway.
So it's not too much of a problem.
It's nice that we've got the video if we want to.
But they do it by the audio, not the video.
You can leave it as a clip in Twitch anyway.
Yeah, and YouTube, we can put clips of this up, so we can choose the bits that we want,
and we can put them up, but we just won't ever be able to put the whole episode up,
because they'll listen to the audio and they'll say, well, that's why.
At what point does it get classes, you know...
Transformative.
Transformative, because it's, you know, okay, yeah, the show is on,
but it's not like we're just watching it and not making any comment on it.
True, we're commenting on it.
I think we are doing transformative, but I think the fact that we're airing it as we are,
I think, is the issue. I'd have to look into it.
But either way, for future, when we do these live get-togethers,
it'll probably be able to pipe Discord in as well, but we'll do Discord.
We'll do Riverside, obviously, because that's how we record it,
and we'll still do Twitch, and YouTube can just disappear.
Continue being the mess that it is at the moment.
We're learning as we go, so...
But look at Ryker there.
He is properly staring at him, staring him down.
Look at his chest.
Look, he's got some muscles under there, hasn't he?
He was a good-looking bloke, but I always, I maintain...
Telpher, if you put Telpher in a Starfleet uniform,
you could do Telpher up as a good Ryker.
Telpher could do a Ryker, yeah, definitely.
Sorry, Telpher's the co-host that we had in the movie episode,
and he'll be back at some point.
And on the dad stuff.
If you go on the old...
On the website somewhere, we've got the dad chat.
Yeah, it's all on channel84.co.uk.
All of them is archive episodes.
Click here.
Don't do that, I'm not editing that.
Well, we're not putting the video up, so...
Yeah, click here then.
We'll just put a clicking sounding...
Right.
I was only referring to the problems involved in assimilating new races...
Assimilating.
It's an ongoing tumultuous process...
There's our woman again, she just walked past.
...on every aspect of our alliance.
I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood.
It's not for you to apologise.
If I led you up the garden path, I humbly ask your forgiveness.
Of course.
Now, gentlemen, you have a dinner to attend to,
and I would like to go and freshen up
before I look around a little bit more.
We've arranged your usual accommodations.
Where's Oak Stannick?
The Hollow Deck.
Yeah, the brig.
Commander Riker will be available here
to show you anything that you want to see.
It's really not necessary.
No, I insist.
When you've finished showing the Admiral anything that he needs,
you can join me down on Earth.
I may want to stay a while, John Noob.
Of course.
You know, the acting wasn't bad in this.
It's all right now, I just had a slight...
Walker was bad, but...
He's in a dress.
Yay!
There's a woman again!
She's following Riker.
It's not Gregory Quinn.
It looked like him and sounded like him, but it isn't him.
Are you absolutely certain, Kevin?
I'm certain.
He's not met you before, Number One.
I want you to stay close.
Keep your eye on his every move.
Have Beverly concoct some reason for giving him
a full medical examination.
I've seen your Admiral.
It's not him, Will. I know that now.
I'm sorry, I'm your Captain, Will.
Do what you're told.
Stop getting your dust everywhere, will you?
Should you be kneeling down there alone, unarmed?
Fair enough for sending the hoovers around after you.
Find out what you can, then join me.
In force, if necessary.
Energise.
I love that.
Pickard just saying, yeah, energise
while he's still mid-conversation just to shut him up.
Energise!
Imagine the practicality of acting that now.
He's stood there like that.
Have to stand there, and then
green-screen him in.
Yeah, and then someone's there going
weee weee weee weee weee
And he's visible.
And you're visible. Off we go.
Off we go.
Thank you. My first officer will be joining us shortly.
So why does he have to do the Vulcan sign to him
when that guy didn't shake his hand?
You've met Commander Remick, haven't you?
Under less than ideal circumstances.
It's nice to see you again, Captain.
We've prepared a special meal in your honour.
He's like, shut up.
Delightful.
Tell me, why is the corridor so quiet
the last time I was here?
It was bustling with activity.
It usually is.
Look how small that corridor is.
It's tiny.
I'd say it's bustling with those four in there.
Yeah.
It's already at max capacity.
Ready for your tour, Admiral?
Quite ready, Commander.
What's in the case?
Actually, I brought it for Dr. Crusher.
But perhaps
you would like to see it first.
I suppose it's a form of life
it was discovered accidentally
by a survey team.
Right.
God, we're never going to get through this, but
every other episode
a foreign alien
or bacteria
or microbe gets beamed up
and
the transporter says
there's something else there
and it gets rid of it.
Weapons,
aliens, bacteria.
Why did the transporter chief just go
we're just being him up, but there's
something else with him?
Something in the case. The case must
have something.
Yeah, but even then the transporter chief would be like
just so you know, Captain, before we be beaming on board
I'm holding the pattern buffer.
Oh yeah, he'd be in the pattern buffer.
He's got a box with him that I can't scan.
Yeah.
The only way to get round it is
somehow someone's already fucked around
with the Enterprise's sensors.
Well, that's all I can think of because again
you're under the impression that there's a conspiracy
and you've got someone beaming on your ship
with an impenetrable box.
He's going to blow your ship
up with a bomb.
At minimum.
He's definitely got a cable coming out the back of his trainer, isn't he?
Oh.
Why haven't we heard
anything about that?
Well, we'll be hearing about it shortly, but first
there remains much scientific study to be done after all.
Look at the yerk in the box.
Yerk in the box.
Come. Have a look.
I think I'll summon my science officer.
It won't like your science officer.
It does like you.
Oh.
Vitamins.
They do wonders for the body.
That was
not Riker.
That was the worst.
I've never spotted that.
That was not even remotely Riker.
Oh, the facial expression was impressive.
Ridiculous. Why did they do a stuntman for that?
Because they cut anyway.
This bit, which looks like Riker, is worse
than what that guy was just doing.
That was...
Oh, that was terrible.
That was so jarring. We both instantly saw that.
But that's the problem with Remastered.
Yeah.
You start to see things you couldn't see before.
Oh, that was awful.
Oh dear lord.
I can't believe that.
We're going to see him again in a minute.
Yeah, you're right.
That was him.
Look at the old guy too. He looks super young
suddenly.
Oh, look at that jump.
Oh, yes, mate.
How did he get his leg that high?
I was quite impressed by that.
It's like Jean Claude Van Damme over here.
Also, why do you have a glass table when you've got
transparent aluminium as windows?
Then you never get problems like that.
Well, the glass manufacturers have to make glass.
Let's have some Andonium tea while we wait for your Riker.
Then you can tell us what has brought you here.
I see you keep up with our duty roster.
Yes, of course, Captain.
Look at the impracticality of those
symbols on
giant glass walls.
So, Captain, give it a rating
out of 2.4 and 6.
Yes, exactly.
It's 2 points. I think you're
going to kill me.
Such a terrible
loss of life.
It's interesting that you should mention the Horatio. It's one of the
subjects I wanted to discuss.
Really?
Has the cause of her destruction
been ascertained?
Absolutely.
Implosion. Due to the extreme
negligence of her captain.
Rumour has it they were using a logitech controller to
fly it around.
Zing!
That would date this episode.
Oh, he's had some.
The other space.
Yeah.
There she is again!
Oh, what is that
sound?
It's a good thing you're here.
He slipped and hit his head.
This is Lieutenant LaForge in guest quarter 17.
We have a medical emergency.
But before he slipped, he called security.
And why has LaForge
come?
That's true.
Don't you think we should wait till the doctor gets here?
Now those are flimsy doors.
If they weren't
flimsy doors,
Geordi is dead.
Warf sight.
Why does he look even remotely
cautious? He should be straight up
like, waiting for this.
He's full of shit.
He's always on the attack.
But when someone actually calls him out on it, he's like
oh.
Oh my god, that's a terrible stunt
actor.
I'll see if he's
looking at how bad warf's fine.
He's got black eyebrows.
Even Rodnick will laugh if he's better than him.
Yeah, oh he's been zapped.
Oh, this is
during the tiny, tiny phaser mode.
Button phasers, yeah.
There's something I need to bring up
because surely you keep the pistol grip from
the original series.
Because that's better aiming.
Don't they go back to that though?
No, they go to the one that they hold like,
this like, torch.
He's dead Jim, he's dead Jim, he's dead Jim.
Oh look.
Some mana potion.
Stopping dog.
We'll start with this prostate.
Yeah.
Let's get straight in there.
The wolf should be ashamed of himself.
Absolutely.
Again, would have been picked up by the transport
set.
It's in here.
So why wasn't it picked up on the transport set?
Oh, it's gross.
It's like a little purple tail
coming out of his neck.
I see what it reminds me of.
It's topping him up.
Eye of a potato.
Yes.
When they start growing.
This, I can't
get over this.
The stupidity of those glasses.
The giant vals he's using to pour
the piss.
And Picard had had a sip
and had half of it and he topped him up.
Yep.
This makes no sense.
Makes no sense.
I think I'm latching on to the wrong
aspects of this show.
I don't have a chair.
I don't like their uniform.
No, it's dumb.
It doesn't work.
Dinner is served.
The captain has given me quite an appetite.
I need to contact my ship
to let Commander Riker know that we're about to
sit down. Of course, Captain.
We'll wait for you at the table.
Lucky me.
Why are they treating
that guy like a bitch?
Why are they not taking the glasses in with them?
Would you not take a drink with you to have
with dinner?
This is a pre-piss. Pre-dinner piss.
May I speak freely?
Why is your biker holding onto that bed?
I suppose I'm a little surprised.
He was attacked by Quinn.
Or what we thought was Quinn.
Specify, Doctor.
A parasitic being has invaded
Quinn's body.
It has complete control over all brain functions.
It seems to breathe through a small gill,
the trillium from the back of Quinn's neck.
Look for this, Captain.
I believe it will be visible on anyone
who has been compromised.
Any idea what it is or where it came from?
Negative.
It's clever enough to not be
spotted on a transporter scanner,
but not clever enough to suck
its cock in.
Hide at the table.
You put things so delicately.
I've never seen anything like it before.
Maybe it's just so aroused
by the way it's attached to Quinn's neck.
Doctor.
It's okay.
He won't be waking up for a long time.
Yeah, because you're going to murder him.
Continue, Doctor.
By the placement of the tendrils,
the parasite appears to stimulate
the victim's adrenal glands,
generating great strength and resistance
to the throat.
Never mind the details. Can you remove it?
I don't think so.
It's killing the patient.
Captain.
You must set your phaser on kill.
Stun has little effect.
Doctor, one does not beam down
to Starfleet headquarters armed.
That's true.
One does not simply
walk into Mordor.
I'm going into dinner now, Doctor.
Tell Commander Riker to join me
as soon as he's ready.
Start out.
Didn't they just tell him that he's unconscious?
Yeah, but he's not got...
Remix they're listening now.
Has he got purple beastie in him?
Crushed him, I bet.
Purple beast in him.
Please sit down, Captain.
We've been waiting.
Office chairs on wheels.
Look at the office chairs on wheels.
They're on office chairs, yeah.
They've just been recovered, haven't they?
Go ahead and start, Captain.
We don't stand on ceremony here.
That's strange because we normally do.
There's brubs.
What are they called, those things?
Magnets.
They sell them in the range.
For birds.
Millworms.
Raise your hand if you want seconds.
I love that bit.
He's actually eating them.
Yeah, but it's done at a distance.
They aren't the millworms that he's got in front of him.
He's like, alright, see you later.
I feel actually that
that would be a normal food
they might be eating at that time,
be it something like that.
Full of protein.
True, true.
I am a robot.
I am being neck fucked.
Not even a wink to tell him.
Yeah.
Yeah, but no one's going to notice that.
Some dirty moles to get back to.
Oh dear.
Conspiracy.
They wouldn't have seen it on her neck.
It's just not a good
thing, is it?
No.
Don't get me wrong, the episode's good, but it is a bad premise.
The design nature.
Oh yeah, totally different on the bigger.
Look like even maybe onions.
So much for super straight.
Oh, it's just called out of the mouth.
Vulcan nurse pinch.
I thought it was called a vulcan dip.
I think there's two names for it.
Insert Benny Hillman.
I think it's called a vulcan dip.
I think there's two names for it.
Insert Benny Hillman.
Insert Benny Hill theme shooting here.
He just dodged the phaser.
It's light, isn't it?
Yep, and they just phased his arse.
How did they dodge it?
Oh, it's so revolting.
It gets more revolting.
Oh, it's really cute.
This is brilliantly done, this bit.
Davros.
But this is why
season one on DVD and VHS
got I think it was a 12 or a 15 rating.
It is Davros.
Oh, it's going for his groin.
If it doesn't roast you out, I'd be surprised.
Is he like the queen?
Oh, he's...
Oh.
Oh, that's revolting.
Oh, wait for it.
Really cleverly done.
And they took this forward to...
You don't understand.
Recognise that from Threshold?
Yeah.
How clever is that?
It's the same...
Must have been the same make-up artist,
because that's what they do in Threshold to Paris's neck, don't they?
Yeah.
It looks brilliant, doesn't it?
You can't tell that
it's not Paris's neck.
And...
Here it comes.
Oh, gross.
The fleshy face.
For those of you that can't see what we're seeing,
his head just exploded
and now we're seeing his body corrode away.
Oh, gross.
Once it's stumble tables,
talk about face meat.
Oh, that's disgusting. We just saw some face meat there.
That...
No, that's the thing. That's the huskies.
In the thing.
Is it because it looks more like the Predator?
Look, it's got the dome, head, the eyes
and the mouth.
It looks like a Predator head.
I'd be intrigued to see if maybe some of the thing
designers and prop makers
worked on this.
So it's clear that it's imposed
on top of the body.
Absolutely.
It does look like a dog
that's been attacked by the thing.
Nonetheless, though, it's impressive
and it's gross for Star Trek.
And notice, we never get anything like this again.
I've never seen anything like this in Star Trek before.
Or maybe in lower decks.
Oh, it's got a little bug face.
It does look a lot like a Predator, doesn't it?
Must have been disintegrated.
Can we have someone to come up and clean Remek, please?
Clean up on Isle Remek?
Oh, there's loads of them. Where'd they come from?
Oh, they're little prawns.
Oh, they're not verbal, anyone.
They've gone orange. They've been cooked.
Oh, yeah, cooked through. They can eat them.
Oh, ho, ho.
But there seems to be no alternative.
I'm not sure if they're going to eat them.
Oh, okay.
We'll see.
We'll see if we can get them.
But they're still coming out.
Oh, they're coming out.
We'll see if we can get them.
Okay.
I know, yeah.
It's a little bug face.
But there seems to be no alternative.
Admiral Quinn is expected to make a full recovery.
There is no trace of the parasite
There's a fish.
I have attempted to trace the message Remic was sending.
I believe it was aimed at an unexplored sector of our galaxy.
Any idea what the message was, Data?
Yeah.
Bees.
I believe it was a beacon.
A beacon?
Yes, sir.
A homing beacon.
Sent from Earth.
So what race were they contacting?
It wasn't the Borg because there was nothing robotic or cyborg about them.
Does this get picked up ever again?
No.
We never hear about this ever again.
Classic.
Ah, this is cool.
That was cool.
Boom! There you go.
That was cool.
It's gotten strans the next episode.
That was fun.
Let's come out of this.
Yeah, 26 episodes.
See, the neutral zone is an extra.
I see that's interesting.
There must be...
Oh, I know what it is.
Go to episode one.
Is it a pilot?
Episode one and two.
What's that binary?
We have to check out what that says.
One, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.
It looks like a holodeck episode.
It might be, yeah.
I've got a feeling...
Episode one is a two-parter.
It is a two-parter.
It's about an hour and a half long on Netflix, but they must be doing it as part one, part two.
Yeah, part one, part two.
But that's how it would have been on TV.
But yeah, it was a part...
It wasn't...
The pilot was an hour and a half.
But then they split it for DVDs and VHS and for re-showings of it.
That's why then.
That explains that.
But what do you make of conspiracy?
I don't know.
I think it's not the best one that we've watched in this, in our new Untitled trick season.
So probably the worst out of the four.
Which is interesting because it's marked as the 25th greatest episode.
I really did like that end bit with the gross monster.
Yeah.
I just...
The beginning whole conspiracy bit felt rushed and rubbish.
I didn't really see the conspiracy other than some creatures taking people over.
And why they were so obsessed with getting the doctor for?
What was the obsession with getting her specifically?
She would have unlimited access to the crew to then infect them.
Right.
You've got to remember in this, just like I'm guessing the Navy,
which is what it's based on and the army and whatever else.
If a doctor says to someone, you have to come to me to be checked out,
you can't turn that order down.
You need this creature to call into you.
I mean, it's alluded to in an episode.
She's also one of the only people in an episode...
Who has the ability to say to the captain, I'm standing you down from being captain.
Right.
When they could have just taken the captain.
But that's what it feels like to me.
That's why I think they went for the doctor or were going to go for her
because it's like we can infect her and then she's got access to everyone.
Gotcha.
No one would question it.
Why are you seeing me?
It's your annual checkup.
Yeah.
New policy.
You have to open wide, close your eyes.
Captain, the computer's reported back to me that your heart rate's ever so
slightly elevated.
I need to come and check you out, please.
Yeah.
Yes.
Overall, I did enjoy it.
I just, I don't know, some pretty bad acting in it from those four guys.
In particular, the one who cops it.
There's five of them, wasn't there?
Yeah, the one who cops it.
Oh yeah, Walker.
He was terrible.
He wasn't great, was he?
He just, he didn't fit the role and he didn't.
That's all.
You're right.
I thought the Atlassian or Atlassian or whatever he was, the fish person, he was pretty good.
And then Scott was pretty good.
But you could tell one of them was going to be the person that was feeding everything back to
the Federation.
But to be honest, I thought it was fish person the first time I watched it, as I kind of felt
like that's how they'd set it up.
Yeah.
But then re-watching it and seeing her coming out of the shadows, it's kind of why would
you be hiding back there to start with anyway, rather than being out there with the other two?
I kind of felt like I spent more time complaining about things than I did actually.
No, I think you're right.
Enjoying the effort.
I'm not sure.
I enjoy the episode.
I don't think it deserves to be the 25th greatest episode.
No, I enjoyed Threshold more than that episode.
And Threshold is rated as one of the worst 10 episodes of all time of any Star Trek ever.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
It's just personal preference though, isn't it?
Well, yeah, I must have a massively different personal preference and whoever's making all
of these charts.
Well, I really did like the grossness of the thing at the end.
I did like the little yerk crawling across the ground.
Yeah, that was nicely done stop motion.
Yeah.
And I'm mocking it, but at the time that would have been really cool.
No, I agree.
That would have been standard for daytime or early evening television CGI.
That would have been a standard.
Well, it's not computer graphics, but you know.
What was interesting, how did that get aired on terrestrial TV?
Back then, yeah.
That must have been past the watershed.
Yeah.
Or was it skipped over?
Did you not see the blowing up scene and then you just see the carcass at the end?
I don't know, but I'm surprised that got aired like it did.
Yeah, I'm surprised.
Oh, well, I think the next episode, because this is probably about an hour and 40 minutes
at the moment.
Yeah, Matt, it's time to be stopped it.
Yeah, exactly.
So I'm going to love the fact you've got to edit this.
I don't know how I'm going to edit it.
I would just look at when our microphones are quiet, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.
Yeah.
We'll see how it goes from there, but it'll be an interesting one to edit.
But I don't think we should choose a Star Trek episode to watch next.
I think we should, if you can, catch up on lower decks.
And if I can, I'll catch up on lower decks.
Yeah.
And I think we should have some modern Trek.
Yeah, some lower decks.
Yeah, definitely.
So everyone, if you're still there watching and for you guys listening,
I hope you enjoyed whatever I managed to do with the edit
and catch up with our decks because that's what we're going to do.
Yep.
So lower decks in from this recording two weeks time.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Yeah.
Cheerio, everyone.
And I'm going to hopefully go back into Riverside on my phone.
I'm going to close the chat and I'm going to do end.
And I'm going to end the call for everyone.
So bye.
Bye.
Playback complete.
Captain's log, 15th of December.
I know Admiral Gannon is reading my emails.
I know that he is seeing the petition I've put up about changing it from star dates to normal dates.
But still, no answer.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, our ship synchronizes our time with Earth.
Why do we need to do star dates?
And also another note, I've seen Vulcans celebrating Christmas now.
It just makes no sense.
Let's just stick with the normal day that everyone understands.
I mean, what is even a star date?
I don't think I've known the date properly for years now.
So Admiral Gannon, I know you listen to these.
I know you don't like our ship.
So stick it up your arse, mate.
We're going with dates on this ship.
In additional news, it's been several hours since I've heard from Captain Rob.
I'm at the rendezvous point and there's nothing.
There's nothing on sensors and he's gone radio silent.
We've not heard anything from him.
We've tried raising him on comms, on secure channel 43.
We've also tried on channels on the internet.
We've also tried on channel 84.
Nothing.
He is...
Uncontactable.
I'm hoping my friend is okay.
The last time I saw Captain Rob would have been...
At least a year ago.
We were on star base one and we were...
We were drunk.
It wasn't our fault we stumbled across Riker's password
and we discovered all of his holodeck programs were available on star base one
and using his password we had a look and...
They are filth.
Utter filth.
I mean there's one episode of his holodeck novel that he's written
which is purely women walking up to him sucking him off and then saying
God, you're a big boy, Will.
Seriously and then my favorite.
Oh, this one. This one was amazing.
There was an entire holodeck program of Williams.
There's William Shakespeare.
There was Will.I.Am.
And then there's Will Riker.
Then there's another Will Riker.
He wanted to have dinner with himself and other famous Wills.
I mean William Shatner.
It was weird.
And then it got even worse.
They all wanted to have sex with him.
And that's kind of when we got caught.
The computer shut off and yeah, they asked us where we got his password from
and that's when Captain Rob and I were told we weren't allowed to work together anymore.
I really hope my friend's okay.
He didn't sound happy in that last message.
Anyway, I've got to go and deal with something now.
It turns out our holodeck's got a problem.
No one is cleaning up after themselves.
Moisture everywhere.
Everywhere.
End of Captain's Log.
Captain's Log Supplemental.
Look Admiral Gannon, I'm sorry.
I lost my head a little bit.
You know how it is.
It's been a bad day on the ship.
I still don't even know half the bloody crew's name.
Okay, look, I've got Ensign Ricky who is a liability.
I've then got Senior Officer Silverman who again has got into the med bay
and has emptied out a lot of the cabinets which is left.
Oh my god, we've got problems here.
Look, I must be...
Hang on.
Computer.
Incoming emergency transmission received.
On screen.
Affirmative.
Captain, you have the comms.
Thank you Number One.
Tom, I've really fucked up this time.
The signals were a trap.
We're lured here mate.
Of course it was.
How could I have missed it?
Audio quality.
Bollocks.
There's no comedic interludes.
It's a fucking disgrace.
Our shields are at 84% and falling.
Revasive manoeuvre.
Carb Alpha 3.
Look, it's a fucking borg mate.
The fucking borg.
Hundreds of them.
Hundreds of cubes.
They're massing their cells in a radiation singers behind the asteroid fields.
Shields at 30% Captain.
Lieutenant Kimber, get the wounded to the bridge and into the escape shuttles.
Mate, outpost 84 has gone.
They're all dead.
The fuckers are online.
Oh, fucking worse.
Our shields are down.
Shit.
Tom, look.
We're not alone.
You have to warn the Chesters.
Warn staff that do not come to us.
We have borg boarding ship wide Captain.
Security engineering.
Security to engineering.
This mission is for all crew members.
Ready yourselves.
Grab your weapons.
Fight for your lives.
But above all else, fight your crew mates.
Fight for your family.
Get to the bloody damn escape shuttles.
Look, I mean it Tom.
Don't come for us.
Engage on a multiple dexer.
What would you move you damn bloody security console.
Security console.
Contact on the bridge.
The pony.
Attack.
They've adapted.
Number one.
Matt.
It's me.
Matt.
No, no, no, no, no.
You will become one with the collective.
Tom.
Will Tom be able to save Rob and his crew from the borg ambush?
Find out when the Untitled Trek Show returns on Monday the 15th of January.
Until then, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
To be continued.