Incoming transmission.
Hello computer, launch program...
Launch program RICAS 69.
New communication. All crew members on board the USS Enterprise, please read and confirm the following new policy for the holosuite.
Directive Picard 7812-01-ALFA.
No, we're just gonna go scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll...
Accept!
Alright, here we go.
Twelve seconds later.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, yeah, yeah, like that, like that.
Oh, fuck off!
Oh, for fuck's sake, computer arch!
Your session has been terminated.
What?
A breach in policy has been detected. Your team leader has been updated.
Oh, oh, for fuck's sake.
Footage has been secured for full investigation.
Enter!
Good afternoon, Ensign. Please, take a seat.
I'd... I'd rather stand.
No, dear, I think you'll sit. Now, please, do try and make yourself comfortable.
Yes, now dear, tell me, why do you think you're here?
You know why I'm here, ma'am.
Yes, but I'd like you to know why you're here.
Because the deviantest disciplinary committee ordered I attend three sessions with you.
Exactly, wonderful. Now, need I remind you this is being recorded and transcribed for the committee to review on their data pads after the sessions have finished?
Now then, breaches of the Hollow Suite compliance agreements set out by Captain Picard, in particular 7812-01-Alpha, are taken very seriously.
Especially those of Subsection 3.
Subsection 3, ma'am. I don't recall there being any Volupian shadow badges, ma'am.
Oh, oh, sorry, my mistake. See, Ensign, even the best of us make mistakes. I meant Subsection 3, Clause 13.
Ah.
Yes. Now, I don't know where you found those triples and how you managed to fit quite so many into such a small hole, but thankfully the system safety measures were still active.
Now, I must say you did read the policy changes, didn't you? You didn't, let's say, just scroll through it all in three seconds and tap accept?
Um, of course not, ma'am.
Indeed. Now, I'd like you to tell me how this all began.
Well, it all started when I was in the Academy. I had just realised the average size of the human penis had increased by 30cm and that if I stretched my butt cheeks I could fit quite a bit in and there was no one to stop me.
Don't stop me now. I took over my face when you started saying about stretching your butt cheeks.
Well, a little bit gaping.
Hello, hello and welcome to a...
Untitled Trek show.
Untitled Trek show. I was thinking like, well, it's already episode three, we're moving slightly away from what we want the formula to actually be.
We had an interesting WhatsApp engagement today? Was it today or yesterday?
No, it was yesterday.
As of recording, it was yesterday. You sent me a video of Riker being intimate. Being Riker. Being Riker in the holodeck, which led to a three minute rant by me to you on the WhatsApp audio of trying to understand the intricacies of the holodeck.
Yeah, let's not be childish about this. I've got plenty of messages on my phone discussing semen. This is kind of where it's ended up, hasn't it? So, yeah, today we are moving away from Darmok. That's going to be the next episode now. Arms wide open, Rob's cock hanging out.
Makes sense when you watch Darmok. Riker's legs open. Yeah. Yeah, that sort of bang on. There you go. You've got the hang of it already without seeing the episode. Perfect. This seemed to take precedence, I think. This was much more important.
Well, it links to what we said about Paris and the holodeck getting turned off on him and he was sat on the floor. Because that led to some conversation with each other. What's happening in there?
And then also we've mentioned previously on the podcast about that episode. I was meant to look the episode up, but I can't remember now, of lower decks when they're cleaning the holodeck canisters.
I think it's season four, episode two, was it? It was one of the new season, wasn't it? And yeah, Boimler gets the worst job out there, which is cleaning up the canisters of residue from the holodecks.
So when I was looking it up, because I was going to pick one of these episodes to actually talk about, there's previous episodes where they have these tubes. Really? And I think it's got the guy who's in like all of the Star Treks. He's in Deep Space Nine.
He was the teleporter guy in Next Generation. Oh, Miles O'Brien. Yeah. And he's got these hover like tray things and they're all on it. And they're all going wrong. Yeah. I found it on YouTube. So I was like, I'm going to have to look up what episode this was and see. Maybe I was going to pick that as our episode.
I hadn't even thought about that. Quarks Bar has holosweets. They must be the most gross. Oh gross. Yeah. That's grim. Just knowing what he markets and that he advertises he has adult holodeck sweet apps. Just, oh no, I hadn't even thought about that.
Okay. So what we were saying to get everyone in on what it was. You sent this clip of Riker, insert here now for the audio version. And it got to the question of like, okay, so we're going to be under the understanding now that you have sex in the holosweet.
Yeah, we're going to, we're going to go with that. People go for sexual relief at some point. Not everyone, but there are going to be some users of the holodeck that go to go and get their kit off.
Riker and Kim.
People really use it for that. Oh yeah, it's mostly that.
Right. So, and we also know it's supposedly a very disgusting job emptying the tubes.
Yeah. We've got the idea. It's not a job anyone wants to do on the Cerrito.
So the questions I'm going to start falling into the exact same terrible questions I had before.
What I was saying is when you have a computer game now and to save on the, the RAM, they don't like generate other areas of games behind buildings. What you can't see basically don't generate.
It's ray tracing isn't it? That's the basic of it. What you can see is what you can see. And as you move it scales, it changes the textures as you approach it. And it gets better the nearer you get that sort of thing.
You can make the assumption the holodeck is doing the same thing. Even though they're super duper amazing wicked computers.
They're not going to need to. You don't need to know what's behind the bar until you're behind the bar. It knows what it's going to put there because it's been written or it knows what it's going to generate something using its algorithm.
Dali 2598 or chat GBT 65 million knows what it's going to put behind there. But the computer doesn't need to do it. And that led to the question of, is it the same for the people?
Like, okay, just before we get dirty, it doesn't need to think he's just started going. Hi Chris.
It doesn't need to generate the blood inside a person until the person gets shot and then it will generate the blood. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. In theory, when you see someone when they're walking the street, they're behind the bar, they're in whatever storyline you're going with or game you're playing.
They are just an empty capsule base. They are just hollow as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Now, with that hollow in mind, Raika is there and he's going to say this is going to be the most R rated 18 certificate episode that you and I have ever done.
I don't think I've ever heard any other Star Trek podcast talk about it in an adult way. They always seem to be a bit squeamish about it or avoid it. And we're adults here. We can have fun with this.
Captain, I recommend we program a holodeck simulation. Try recreating the accident. Sex.
So, does the computer, the joke of it, like, as soon as the computer knows that you're going to be having sex with this, let's just say man and woman because we're men it's going to be easier for us to work with right now.
But has it already mapped out the lady's vagina? Just the outside of it? So, all these programs, yeah, they're written by someone. They're designed and we get in TNG Geordie designs and more data has made them.
In fact, all of them, Worf's got his own ones that he's made. Does that mean there's a holodeck character creator? I'd like big tits, I'd like a hairy face. Well, yeah, maybe. I guess so. It's like chat GPT. He's character creator at this level.
You know what we said on the last main line episode about Cybertunk having massive willies. It's the same thing. It's literally the cyberpunk and starfield character generation. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God, it really changes my ideas of Geordie the Forge and what he'd be doing.
Yeah, well, you see, I don't like saying it about him because I feel he was done dirty. As an actor, he was done dirty. His character was just as gross as Ryker and Dirty Kim. Well, he was worse. He'd set up holosuite programs where he'd programmed a beach and sexual music to be played.
And it was with a real person too. Yeah, yeah, that is gross. Computer load Mariner program all new to Olympic training facility. You might want to back up a bit.
Wow, this is a really detailed program. So, as I was saying, as the computer now thinks, okay, this has led to a point now where I need to start. Oh, they're pulling my trousers off my pants off. I better quickly just make the outside of vagina. Oh, balls. Actually, I need to now. I need balls. I need to make the inside of this vagina.
Now, where does the moisture come from TJ? Where does it come from?
Computer pause. Make vagina 5% less tight and 10% moisture. No, no, no, that's not what it would say. It would say, for computer pause, change vagina to Ryker 3491.
Because he already had all of the settings already ready. Because he knew what he wanted at each point of time. I'm not into that right now and I'll have this one.
Can you just imagine if it's some ensign who can't be seen, he's wearing like a green screen outfit, running around with a little squirty bottle of lube, just sprays your knob when it's hanging out.
That's what I was saying to you. So the holodeck is, we all in agreement, it is basically what hard, excusing the pun, light. That's what it is.
And it's explained in TNG as well at one point. What you're seeing is basically a bubble around you. So if there's multiple people in the holodeck, they could be 10 foot away from you. But in the game or the scenario, whatever you're playing, they could be two miles away because it's projecting that bubble around them and the environment that they're in could be completely different to yours.
That's just made me think of something else. In this scenario, imagine if you've gone in with a group of friends, lads, stagged you. And you've gone into the brothel holodeck suite. Dirty Kim program one.
The first one he ever did. Yeah, exactly. So they've gone in and now they all think they're in individual rooms. But if someone just as like goes archway or whatever they say to come in, walks in, they're just going to see loads of lads.
But naked.
Really close together because the computer is like, because you're on a spaceship, it's tight for space. They're not going to have loads of room for these things.
It's just it's there's so many questions. This opens up way too many. But you're right. So it then opens up that horrible question. Like you said, where does the moisture come from? So I'm guessing it must use part teleporter, part teleporter.
No, could you imagine if it's teleport teleporting in liquid to around the man's penis? And what if it went wrong? Teleporters go wrong. Suddenly your penis just gets teleported away. It must use a little bit of the transporter technology, but it must also be using some of the
The replicator. Replicator. Yeah, that's what it's got to be replicating. Lube, I'm guessing, Jiffy lube. And that's getting put by the transporter into the area of her crotch.
Just I just kind of always just assumed that when they were drinking things, you know, like they're in the in the bar in, you know, in the next generation episode, I think, where they're like mob, there's like a mob fight in a speaking and they're all drinking. I just assumed they're just pretending.
No, I assume that that was all replicator. So we're saying the holodeck is also a giant replicator.
I assume it either has the ability to use replicator or the computer has like a replicator in a cupboard in there and it transports it to the bits that needs to. Right. Voyager did the replicators didn't work, didn't they?
Yeah, you're right for the first few seasons. There's no replicator because of the power problems, but they're still allowed to use the holodeck. And is that still creating liquid and moisture? No, you just had lots of dry farts.
Okay. So we're just agreeing that they were spraying. I'm guessing there was like Janeway policy 001 on the holodeck. Do not use this for sex while we are very, very critical for power and far away from home. Instead, just fuck your coworkers.
Yeah, exactly. And does the computer know when someone walks in what to expect from them? Because it's going to learn. So it knows when Harry Kim comes in, it knows it's going to have to pre-render that vagina.
Yeah, don't bother just hiding it. Just pre-render it. 12 seconds, the knickers are going to be off. Why have we rendered clothes on this woman? Just go full on naked.
Exactly. Imagine he hasn't cleared his browser, his holodeck history. And his mum comes round and is like, oh, let's go to that. Do you remember that restaurant we used to go to, darling? And he's like, yes.
Let's go. The great holodeck program. You log in. You log in. And he forgets and he walks in and it's just a mess.
I overheard Harry the other day with his chums. He said he'd written the best holodeck program he'd ever written. Let's have a go at it, shall we, darling? Oh, go on. Oh my gosh, my darling. Why has he got, why has she got 17 breasts?
I suppose she might be into it if it's his mum.
Blah, blah.
Not needed. Not needed. But you're right.
It is the way in which we propagate our species. Please demonstrate how this is accomplished.
Voyager is a really good point here, because I feel like almost every other episode of Voyager, the computers are on low power or low data mode, because astrometrics yet again are using them.
It almost seems every episode astrometric. So does that cause a problem with the holosuites? You're in the holosuites. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've got the Ryker program running. Let's pull down their knickers. And again, it's like cyberpunk. It's just pixelated to start with.
And it goes from those big chunky pixels. Then it goes to the little ones. Then it goes to something a little bit more noticeable. Ah, it's rendered.
You know, that whole render delay. And even then, okay, what happens if you write a program? Does the holodeck say, we're sorry, but you've run out of resources. Please restart and try again.
Yeah, you've got resource management. Yeah, so you can't have boobs that big. You've got to manage the resources.
I'm sorry, but having 700 women naked is past the resource allowance on this holodeck.
Well, I was saying to you that I thought that, you know, maybe there's like some kind of drone flying around in the holodeck spraying.
The Henry Hoover attachment just hanging down. Oh, that's a knob quake.
The Teletubby Nunu Hoover going around attaching itself to the groins of the men.
Time for Tubby Custard. That's fucking disgusting.
Why is it pink unless I've got a very nasty infection? We're gonna get cancelled.
Who's gonna cancel us? Us? Yeah, I guess.
Okay, yeah. How does it get cleaned up? But yeah, you're right.
So unless all the crew of the Enterprise and all the other chips are told, if you're going to go and fuck in the holosuite, you have to wear a condom or you're wiping it up off the floor.
Yeah. Okay. So if that's not the case, is the transport used? Oh, ejaculate detected.
No, into the bottle. Right. There you go. Done. Yeah.
And then, yeah, but yeah, I like those canisters. Like, how does it collect? What's it collecting it? What is it? What's in them?
Does it have a Chris? Do they just have a robot vacuum? Oh, yeah.
At the end of the session, it's just a mop and vacuum version. It's got like a wet dry mop. It just goes around and just scoops it up when it's done.
Yes, a wet dry hoover that goes around. Oh, gross. Or it just goes and docks in the corner and dumps its load into the hole. Wrong words.
But you know, the grates in the ground. It just all just goes down into the sewer system of just ejaculate and feces and all kinds of stuff.
So why are you in the medical bay today? I slipped on someone's cum. It didn't go down the drain properly.
Yeah, it was my turn to clean the hole that day. There was a hole in my hazmat suit.
They just have jet washes in there as well.
And what, you know, how we said about Paris was sat on the floor when they turned it off. What if someone turned it off in your mid shag?
We just like slam to the ground. My dick!
Just doing cock push ups on the floor.
Right. So we've really talked about cum a load. Okay. People, if you haven't been turned off by this point, then you're just going to have to get used to it.
We know from TNG and from Voyager that when an alien race turns up or someone wants something that isn't the replicator, someone goes off, they work out the chemical compositions of it all.
They program it into the replicator and wham bam. Thank you. Oh, look, it's perfect. There it is.
It'll replicate that thing. Right.
What happens if I go into that holodeck and I say I want to be on the other side of a glory hole?
I want to swallow.
Who basically programmed? Am I getting cum in my mouth? Am I getting just icing squirted into my mouth?
Oh, that's a sweet treat. You know, like who created it? Who sat there programming it going, hmm, still doesn't taste quite right. Hang on a moment.
Hmm. Still too salty. You know, like chlorine this time. Have you ever seen those programs where they make stuff in the factories and they're like they have a crisp taste and they got those bowls of crisp in a white lab coat.
They just got little little thimbles of just like some kind of white liquid. No, not quite right.
Nearly. Viscosity is not quite right. Yeah, I haven't quite got the texture on this one. Doesn't go down quite right.
Filling it against the wall. No, it doesn't stick right, does it?
Why's this one got clumps? This isn't right at all. Hang on, that's warfs. That's normal.
To be a little bit boring, they probably know the chemical composition of spunk so the computer just does it.
Yeah, but. But that's not funny.
It's just. It's things people don't think about and yeah, Ryker goes in there to have sex.
Geordie blatantly. We only see whatever her name is turn up in two episodes.
The person that helped design and build the enterprise, he creates a whole deck version of her and falls in love with her.
We blatantly know outside of those episodes, he's gone and he shagged her senses over like the engineering section of the enterprise.
All over the place in every room in the cells. We'll do it in that Jeffreys tube.
We'll do it with Jeffrey in the Jeffreys tube in Jeffreys tube.
I mean, it's it's there. It's going to happen. It's like the rulers of the Internet.
We discussed the other day, isn't it? If it's available, it's going to be done.
Out of all the captains of the series, who do you reckon goes in there and does it? I think Janeway.
So Kirk wouldn't have because it didn't exist. Okay, right. So I guess we're coming into kind of Picard onwards.
Oh, Picard blatantly does. Do you reckon? Yeah, I don't think he bangs in the eye.
I bet you anything. He gets his English tack onto that horse. He has a nice ride through the countryside.
And oh, there's a maiden. She's a big Buxom bed. You're missing. You're mixing up the actor with the character.
He's French. Picard is French, isn't he? He'd still be out there looking for some birds to shag in the woods.
He'll be out there pretending he's Rob. Sorry, throbbing hood.
Throbbing hood. I reckon Janeway is all about it. Janeway blatantly does. Cisco.
I reckon she's in there. She's a dom. She's really all over the place in there.
She's having she's living the best fucking life. She's 50 Shades of Grey Trek style. Yeah, she's in there.
I'm living the life of her. I bet you there's holographic Tuvok takes it.
Tuvok. She's in there with killing Tuvok's over and over and over.
That's a stress relief program. Fuck, that's what gets her off. Just murder.
I'm going to look you in the eyes as I put my hands around your throat. You can say the safe words. I don't fucking care.
I don't know if Cisco would. He seems a bit too wholesome.
But I bet Nag has taken Jake into a few of them and they.
That's going to be how Jake loses his virginity on Deep Space Nine. Let's face it.
It's not going to be with some random alien. It's going to be some dirty dive of a hollow sweet that quark has given him.
I don't think Saru would. Saru wouldn't. No, no, I don't think Saru would.
But I guess if if like Archer or Kirk had the ability to. Kirk would have been all over it.
Kirk would have burnt it out within minutes.
He'd have his own special life. He'd like he would know when they're reefing in the canisters.
He'd know the day. They'd be like an outlook calendar with room room bookings on there and it'd be like I see through first through to the seventh is is Kirk time.
And he'll have it like more because he'll use aliases.
James T Kirk, TK Williams.
I like how he's not even clever enough.
Every abbreviation of his name.
I was going to say like how you don't think he's clever enough to like come up with anything other than just different versions of his own name.
George Kirk. Yeah, I'll use my brother's login details.
His brother's, yeah.
That's just wrong. I think we can all accept though.
Strange new worlds wouldn't.
No, I think he's I think Pike's too busy.
Pike absolutely wouldn't. He's nailing someone already, isn't he?
Nice looking lady. I don't need holodeck sex.
I reckon the pilot would be in there.
Oh, God. Yeah, she is.
She's Randy as hell.
I don't blame her.
Okay, so I think is that all the sex we need to talk about with the hollow suite because there are other really big glaring problems with it.
Go on.
Crime to start with.
So if I walked into the street and beat the fuck up, just beat someone up.
Even in Star Trek time, that's going to be a punishable offense.
Yeah.
Why would we be allowed to be creating hollow suite games that see me in the most realistic that it can be and just go and beat people up?
Because that's what Worf does.
His training programs are him going in there and killing people.
That's all he does.
That can't be legal, surely.
That's kind of I can understand from a training point, but he just goes in there when he's pissed off.
And this is like, I'm guessing you don't get much of a psychological evaluation because if you feel the need to go and kill people every couple of days, maybe you shouldn't be in charge of security on the Enterprise at this point.
And they've got a counselor.
Yeah, great.
Hi, Deanna. Bye, Deanna.
But they have one.
What alien baby have you got in you this time or is it just Riker again?
Riker's the only one that's inside.
Calm down.
I knew this was going to be hard.
Hello.
I knew this was going to be a tough one to discuss with you, but there you are like a little girl laughing your panties off.
It's going to start snorting up.
I don't know how good this is for listening.
I'm hoping.
I hope people actually appreciate that.
You don't get this talk about anywhere else with Trey.
Everyone's always so super serious.
Well, it was quite a good episode and it was really good here, but the science of it was slightly wrong over here.
But it doesn't matter because the character development was wonderful.
I wanted to talk about the fact that Dirty Kim was out trying to bang yet another person on a limited number of crewed ship when they're miles away from home.
What does he expect to happen?
Of course, no one likes him.
He's trying to shag most of their friends.
The problem with Kim is his best mate's Paris and Paris has got more notches on the bedposts than there's bedposts.
What I like about Paris is he just thinks, I'm just a normal bloke.
Harry's a normal bloke.
He can do the same as me.
It's just Harry.
Kim's like, no, Tom, don't give him too much credit, mate, because seriously, it's Kim.
It's not going to happen.
So crime.
So what happens if I create a program that breaks the law?
What happens if I'm a disgraced BBC presenter and I decide to make a program in the Hollow Suite?
I'm Bill Cosby and I decide to make a bar suite where I'm the barman.
What happens?
Does that get reported to someone?
Does it only get reported when someone stumbles into the program like in the La Forge episodes when the creator of the enterprise actually goes in there and goes,
why has he reproduced me and why is she in love with him?
That's kind of only discovered at that point when she walks into there.
So if I create a crime breaking program doing something elicit, something horrible, does that get reported to anyone or does it only get reported if someone discovers my program?
I think what would actually happen were it real, it'd be like how you can't put people into chat GBT.
You'll be putting the data into the system and the system will already have to find things that you're not allowed to do specifically.
And if it does say, no, this is a person that you know, you've made because you're going to make people.
There's a possibility you can make somebody who exists.
There's so many people out there.
They do. But that's what he does.
But unknowingly.
So I think, and you know how I got the beginning of the style at South Park is what I mean.
The characters may appear. It's that kind of deal. And I think the computer would be like, OK, he is basically made a person knowingly made this person.
You're not allowed to do this. I won't let you do this.
You know, if you want to make someone that doesn't look like them or does look like them but has a different name or, you know, or doesn't look like them but has the same, you know, the computer would be like, OK, I'm going to allow it this time.
You know, I think the computer can create me a character that looks like Captain Picard. We're sorry we cannot do that.
Can you create me a character that looks like Captain Picard with dreadlocks?
Yeah, of course we can. Great. Put us in a barbers.
Give me a set of clippers.
I found the loophole.
That's what people do with the AI now, isn't it?
It's like when you're at school or when you were at school, not us because we're old, but people discovered a way around the Internet proxies.
www.pornhub.com. We're sorry this site has been banned.
Translate.google.com. Translate webpage.
Pornhub.com. Here's your translation. Thanks, Google, for breaking the proxy.
And I'm now looking at English translated to English.
And yes, kids, that still works on a lot of proxies.
Oh my gosh. I've got a great story. That's for the main pod. That's not Star Trek.
I've got great stories about stuff we did at college.
Now I've completely lost my train of thought. I don't know where I was even going.
OK, well, look, that's the only other thing I'm going to bring up because it kind of ties in with crime and it ties in.
It doesn't tie in with the sex at all, actually. Let's just be blunt about it.
Accessing library computer data.
In first context is the film. We see this in the episode where data is Sherlock Holmes and he's confronted by Dr. Moriarty.
We see this. We see this in the episode where Worf is dragged by his annoying shit of a kid into a Wild West.
And we see this.
Why do holosuites for the general population of a starship even have the ability to turn off safety protocols?
Just why?
Same with Voyager. There's just no need for it. These are holodecks for general people to use.
Why oh why would you then say, computer, turn off safety protocols, please?
Yeah, that's fine. OK, done that. Oh, shit, I've been stabbed.
Why would you include that in a product? I understand the need for it.
You're testing out a new weapon. You're testing out something scientific and you want to see what happens.
Then yeah, then you have a holodeck in that area of engineering or somewhere like that that is dedicated for specific staff with those specific safety protocols removed.
But why would you have it anywhere else?
The safety protocols are only taking the safety off of you. It doesn't change what you're doing to the holograms.
It just means the holograms can now kill you. Yeah, basically.
That's it. So there's never a scenario. There is not a scenario where you would want the safety features off.
There's no testing scenario because all it would mean is the thing can hurt you.
Well, yeah, that's true. It's going to affect you. So there's no scenario.
In theory, if you were testing a weapon and it's a real weapon, you just need it to affect the hologram that you're affecting, don't you?
And that's just it. You know, it doesn't need to have safety features.
So why have it? Why does it exist?
Except to give Picard that moment in first contact when he goes, computer, turn off the safety and then pulls out a Tommy gun and kills a Borg with a fantastic scene.
Don't get me wrong. Love it. It makes sense in that point.
And it makes sense in that point.
But in real life, why would you have safety protocols for something that the general public are going to use?
Oh, so what happened to little Timmy? We heard he passed away.
He used his father's log on credentials in the holodeck and he plummeted to his death off a mountain.
He decided he thought he could do free climbing without the safety protocols.
He wouldn't be able to fall to his death.
This comes to what we said.
I mean, if you take the safety protocol.
No, but there wouldn't be enough height in the holodeck for him to go up a mountain.
You're up this mountain, you fall off and then you literally land on your back and you're floating midair.
Yeah. You'd fall like six foot. That'd be it.
OK, well. He stole his daddy's credentials and he went back to the ghettos of New York playing real life Grand Theft Auto.
It all went a bit wrong for him.
Well, here's a question. How could you drown in the holodeck?
It depends how much calm there is.
I mean, how do they fill the holodeck with all that water that you're swimming in and then you go turn off safety features and suddenly.
Well, it's force fields, I presume. But you're right.
Right. So you're swimming in an alien ocean full of man eating shark like creatures and you're stupid enough to turn the safety features off and you get eaten by a shark in the holodeck.
Is the pulp of your body now in those canisters?
Wait, wait for it. You're floating around. You're hoping the EMH is going to tell it. It's going to be like your washing machine in the kitchen.
You've got to wait for the water to drain before they can open the door.
Yeah, exactly.
Open the door. Oh, it's still draining water.
I'm giving it that futile tug. I need him out now.
I think anybody that went into Voyager's holodeck is after just death. That was the most like malfunctioning holodeck ever.
That is the ship of death. There shouldn't have been a Voyager B or a Voyager J according to discovery with its weird floating nacelles that aren't connected to its body at all.
Oh, was that a Voyager?
That was Voyager J apparently.
I didn't notice that.
There should be no Voyager after Voyager. If a ship disappears for that many years and has that much bad luck, you shouldn't re-release it.
Yeah, I think they should think there's a bit of a jinx with that name.
It's just like there was only one Voyager. We got seven of nine out of it. We'll accept that as a bonus.
We didn't lose Harry Kim. Negative.
The thing is though, doesn't the Enterprise keep getting new ones because they keep blowing up?
They do blow up the Enterprise a fair few times.
So that's to its own.
Deanna crashes it. Lots of people argue about that one. Deanna crashes it in Generations, although claims that she didn't crash it because the helm wasn't responding.
So how could she crash it if the helm wasn't responding? She was in charge. She's to blame.
Then you got the E and apparently Worf crashes the E, but there's no story about that. I like that. Picard had everyone look at Worf and he goes, something along the lines, well, it wasn't my fault.
There's like, well, you were in charge and that's all we know about what happened to the Enterprise E.
Yeah. Sorry, we're going away from it there. But yeah, the Voyager holodeck, the only time the Voyager holodeck was good, in my opinion, was the episode where the aliens have taken over the ship and they're being forced to relive World War II with the aliens basically playing the Nazis.
Really good episode. But otherwise, don't go in that goddamn transport, transport a holodeck. It's just, it's just not worth it.
No.
Not knowing what goes on in there. I'm not going in the holodeck now, full stop. If one gets invented, there's no way I'm going in one.
I would need a long list of all the things that it does.
You know, maybe they've got kind of groinal attachments. Basically, to go to the holodeck, maybe you've got to put, Red Worf did it.
They did, didn't they? Yeah.
Yeah. Maybe they've just got super futuristic ones where you just slot yourself in before you go in or slot into you, depends what you want.
And you get yourself all set up with some nice tight trousers to hold it in place before you go in.
What if though, you see, it's on a, right, so let's just say you're on Voyager and you have these pieces of equipment.
Yeah.
They're going to break. The amount Kim's using them, he's going to go through them. Who fixes them?
Well, it's replicator, isn't it? But Voyager's screwed.
Senior bridge officers, report for duty. Commander, set a new course.
There's coffee in that nebula.
So they're going to have like someone like Neelix there.
Tom, Tom.
Just fixing you here again.
Tom, can I borrow yours?
Yeah, exactly. And then do they have a communal one?
Oh no.
Do you have rentals?
The MHPs. What's the problem? I've got hollow dick again.
I've got some face herpes or something.
I've got several fungal infections and something that's scabbing over. Can you please have a look?
Yeah.
Right. Anything else on the hollows, Swahee?
Not at this precise moment.
Good, because we've been talking for 35 minutes on that.
Okay.
Let's talk about transporters really quickly.
After we talked about the hollow suite, my brain started going on.
Well, what other technology is there that actually doesn't really quite make sense?
And then suddenly dawned on me the transports. So first of all, let's talk about Thomas Riker.
Do you know who Thomas Riker is?
This was a question I gave you.
It was. So during a transport accident, they basically successfully transported Will to the ship.
And then the computer went, no, it wasn't successful. So it returned his pattern to the collapse chip.
So two of them exist.
Same happened with Boimler.
Same happened with Boimler. So, okay, let's go to strange new worlds.
We've got dying Ensign Ricky on the floor. What do they do?
They put him in the pattern buffer.
Okay. What other ones can I bring up that will help elicit the point here?
Threshold, they were going to use the transporter to put Tom Paris back to normal.
Yeah.
They did it with Chuvix. They teleported them together because of that flower.
There are a lot. Picard has had it done to him.
There's been several TNG episodes.
And what always happens is someone gets some horrible disease.
Something happens to them and they run off to the transport.
When were they last transported?
Here. So we have a record of their file. Yes. Brilliant.
Call it up and then they re-transport them, rematerialize them.
Boom.
Why does anyone ever die?
Why does the captain ever have to contact the family and say,
we're very sorry this person died?
Because basically the transporter's work, it processes you.
It takes your, in effect, it breaks you down into zeros and ones,
transports that and rematerializes those zero and ones.
There's nothing original in that transported one.
So why, when they've got a dangerous mission, aren't they just going,
right, we're transporting, let's keep a record of all their lot.
Oh no, Anton Rickey's dead again.
Oh well, we've got his pattern, just bring him back.
Yeah, he might be three hours old and be like,
wasn't I meant to go into the planet?
Yeah, sorry Anton Rickey.
You actually died down on the planet.
Don't worry, we've got your record here.
So we just re-processed it.
That was the thing, I can't remember which it was,
but it's basically saying that when you entered the teleporter, you died.
Yeah, basically you die every time you get transported.
And that's not you on the other side.
It's someone else.
But why don't they just keep a file of everyone in war?
We lost a thousand people.
No, you didn't, just re-transport them.
You've got another thousand of them again.
That's the thing that's scary about it is like, obviously you know your consciousness.
I know my consciousness.
I know that you're Tom, but I don't know your consciousness.
So if you went through a teleporter, from my perspective, you're Tom at the other side.
But from your perspective, you're dead.
The first person that ever used a teleporter probably did it on Orange or something
and worked their way up to then get to a creature that could actually say something to them at the end.
If I teleported myself to somewhere, thinking about now, I'm going to have an existential crisis here,
I feel like it would have just killed me.
Because that is basically what they're saying.
But that's exactly it, isn't it?
You are dying every time you get transported because they're deleting you,
rematerializing you out of whatever is on that surface, the planet there.
It's not the same material that was wherever you transported from.
Well, it's like, you know, whether you believe you have a soul or whatever,
it's got to get your consciousness, that thing inside you.
But that's the point.
That you can't believe in a consciousness or a soul.
You have to purely believe in the power of the brain.
And everything that we do and that we are is about what is programmed in the exact positions of your brain based on chemical.
You can't have any other belief about anything if you believe that transporters could be a thing.
And then what about organs?
Picard's got a fake heart. Why?
He got stabbed. Stick a fake heart in him, go and check the transporter logs.
Right, there he is. That's what his heart should have looked like.
That's what the file is. Done.
Yeah. You basically make everyone immortal.
Live 10 years and then just relive the 10 years again.
Just go back 10 years, your pattern buffer, have a little book written down.
A bit like 51st dates.
See what you did the last 10 years. Oh, yeah, OK.
I'm caught up now. Off we go. You're 10 years younger again.
But then it also opens up a whole legal thing.
I broke the law, but I got shot by the police.
They reenergised me and I come back. Before you did the crime.
Can I be prosecuted? Because technically I'm not the same person that just died doing the crime.
But they reenergised the backup of you that was before the crime was committed.
So the crime hadn't been committed yet by me. So where do you stand on that?
Transport is this whole mess of things.
So, yeah, they could basically make you immortal because they always say
there's the record of their transport. Just bring them back using that.
Yeah. It's it.
And yeah, obviously, morally, you shouldn't do that.
And we've got the rules that the Starfleet allegedly follow.
But you can't tell me every other race does.
I like you. You take air quotes on the podcast.
For my part, I totally agree. They don't fucking follow any of their own rules.
I heard there was a great argument that Patrick Stewart was having with Gene Roddenberry.
How do you say his name? Roddenberry.
About the rules of Star Trek.
Oh, fuck.
I don't think Roddenberry ever said, oh, fuck.
Well, you might have actually. If you've ever looked into the history of him, he was the incredible man.
World War Two pilot, commercial pilot, saved a huge number of people's lives when his plane crashed.
Yeah, absolutely marvelous man.
But it's not first contact. They've got rules, haven't they?
The Prime Directive.
The Prime Directive. And he argues with Roddenberry apparently all the time about the Prime Directive.
And then the Roddenberry is like, yeah, but because of the Prime Directive and then because like Patrick Stewart is like, yeah, you have the Prime Directive, but you never follow it.
True. It's 100% true.
How many times have they bent the first directive or just full stop broken it and it's forgotten about the next episode?
I watched one the other day. Data contact, a little girl on a planet that's being destroyed by volcanoes, pre-warp, some technology.
So they've already broken the Prime Directive there.
But rather than stopping, they stop the volcanoes on the planet, save the planet, save all of her family and her race, and then just say, yeah, just have a contact and a Pulaski.
Yeah, blow her brains out with a medical ray and make sure she doesn't remember any of this.
You've still broken the Prime Directive. That's what I like about. I think it's the drumhead when it's the legal episode.
They basically call Picard out by going, so you broke the Prime Directive on this day, on this day, on this day, on this day, on this day.
Yeah.
You were told you could kill the Borg, but you chose not to. You could have wiped them out of all existence, but you didn't.
Any reason why? Are you conspiring with them?
Yeah. And then you realise, yeah, actually, yeah, OK.
I don't think anyone would query genocide on the Borg, because let's face it, I don't think they're going to change their plans.
Yeah.
Because that's kind of what you get from it. We have no right of doing genocide for an entire race.
Mmm. You might have to with them.
Yeah, because they're going to do it to you.
Yeah. And look at the shit that then happens, because they didn't. It's just, oh.
But yeah, transports just make a whole, whole other mess along with the holosuite at this point.
Yeah.
And some of the replicators as well.
Yeah, I don't know if I've ever really understood the replicators. Like, where are they getting the matter from?
The holodeck suite.
Yeah, and they're recycling the holodeck canisters. It's like, oh, we're running low. It's all right.
The weekend's coming up and Kim's got a sabbatical.
He's got a double session.
Don't worry, porridge will be on the menu again next week, boys.
Mmm, sludge. Thanks, Neelix.
There's an interesting texture to the porridge this week, sir.
Oh, Neelix is one that would be banned from the holodeck.
Yeah.
We've already chatted up. He's already, we've already discussed before. He's already chatted up an under one.
So, I mean, yeah, I think he'd be arrested for some of the things he'd probably get on the holodeck for.
Oh, dear. I don't think I've got anything left in me.
Which is something that Ryker or Dirty Kim would say.
Yeah, they're like that. Nunu's just like, driving off after sucking all their juices out and unloading it into the canister tubes.
Ready for some poor ensign to come in the morning to just like empty the smoking barrel of waste.
Captain, I'm just looking at these daily reports.
There seems to be a 900% increase on Nunu usage.
That'd be the new programs on the holosuite being delivered.
Forever changing the batteries on the Nunu's.
We've not got enough dilithium to do this.
Command functions are offline.
Okay, I've had enough.
I don't think we can talk about sex cum, Dirty Kim or anything really much else.
We hope you enjoyed this.
Yeah, sorry.
If you don't, we kind of, we would apologize.
Yeah, I'm sorry that wasn't what we were saying it was going to be, but.
Darmock is definitely the next episode.
Definitely the next episode.
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Yeah, I said threads as well.
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No more. Please, no more sex.
I don't think I could take it.
Yeah.
We'll see you soon.
We'll see you for the main episode next week and in two weeks for Darmok.
And then Darmok.
Take it easy, everyone. Bye-bye.
Bye.
It appears we have lost our sex appeal, Captain.
Thank you for listening to the Channel 84 Variety Show.
This station is now shutting down and will be back in two weeks.
Excelsior.
That is actually really gross.
I think, how real do you need me to be?
Or I'm as real as you need me to be.
It's like, OK, so the implication there is that if you think about like procedural generation of landscapes in gaming,
you know, it doesn't show you the stuff you don't need to see.
Things behind buildings just doesn't do it.
Do you think then that her internal organs don't exist until they need to be there to save processing power?
She hasn't got a vagina.
So until he takes her trousers off and her underwear, there's no vagina there.
She's just like Barbie or Ken doll.
And then there.
And then, well, the computer is like, well, he doesn't need anything to be inside yet.
You know, or does the computer go, I see where this is going.
This is Ryker.
I'm going to pre get myself ready for this.
You know, that's fucking gross.
I'm gracing myself by just thinking about it.
We should just shouldn't talk to you.
This is Trek talk.
We're happening here.
Like, OK, more questions.
This is a holiday questions.
So, OK, we're all accepting the fact now that the computer is basically making hard light.
We get it.
We understand that.
And it can make matter appear in a hologram.
They have the replicators that can make matter.
Now, how does it's a gross saying, but I need to say I need to get this out my head and into yours so you can understand it.
You can tell me where does the moisture come from inside her?
I'd love there to be an invention.
This is great in the Star Trek world.
You know how you have 3D glasses and you can only see the 3D stuff and women and people make those pictures where, you know, they have anything with a red chrome or the blue.
It depends what are you looking for.
Do you reckon they have glasses that can cut through holograms and not be able to see them?
How funny would that be?
Then like they'll just be like a flying drone just spraying from a lubrication.
Like a spray thing lubricating him.
Because where's the moisture coming from?
Where's the moisture coming from?
That's what I want to know to you.
We understand where his moisture is coming from.
I don't know what happens if it's a woman doing it.
If it's a woman, this female Riker there, shagging a hologram man.
Well, surely they want it to be realistic.
So where does that come from?
Do they just...
Oh, this is going really far now.
What if like...
You know, because they'll all be about recycling.
So when they collect all that goo.
But how do they even collect it?
It gets sucked up into what? A hose?
Is it like a Nunu running around there?
You know, the Hoover from Teletubbies attaching itself to a dirty Kim and Riker's cocks.
And then sucking their juices out.
And they think they're shagging a hologram, but really they've just got their cocks inside of a Nunu hose.
Oh, this is going too far.
We've got to stop that.
We're stopping now.
This is...
I've just spoke about...
No, two minutes.
More than two minutes.
It's still going.