Hello and welcome to Life Unscripted, the podcast that just hits you with the hard
truth that life has no script and everything you've been taught is an illusion.
I'm your host Allen Stafford.
Join me as we dive deep into the unscripted layers of human psychology as I explore a
fascinating aspect of our minds.
So a question for you.
I mean, why do you think we humans crave control?
Think about that for a second.
I mean, why do you think we crave certainty in an uncertain world?
Because if you think about it, everything is uncertain, right?
I mean, we don't have.
We don't know what's going to happen the next day or if we set out to accomplish a
goal.
We don't know what the outcome is going to be.
We can hope, we can plan, but we really don't know.
And we crave the certainty of that.
We want to know what's going to happen.
And I'm sure you feel that way or have felt that way or feel that way often.
If you don't, then I'm not sure.
You're not from this planet.
You're not from the human race.
You know, and why do we feel better when we think we are in charge?
I mean, I'm not talking about the bossy, bossy people, and I know you know some of
those.
I'm talking about we need to feel like we're in charge of our life.
We're in control of our life, whether it be trying to get through a traffic light,
you know, to, to our appointment or whether we're in control in a relationship somehow
or a job or something.
We tend to feel a little bit better when we have that control.
And I'm not talking about control freaks here, folks.
I'm talking about just our own ability to control our own environment.
Why do we feel better about that?
We're going to dive into this topic and explore how this need to fill in control impacts our
personal and professional lives.
We'll also dive into the neuroscience behind control and discuss what happens when the
reality of control doesn't match our expectations, which I'm certain that each and every one
of us suffers from that.
And if you don't, then I want to meet you because you've got to be one exceptional
person when the reality of control, your desire for control does not meet your expectations.
And as we go through this podcast and we learn about these insights on control and the lack
of control, I want you to think about the last time you felt out of control.
What was it like for you?
What did you feel?
How did your body react?
How did your mind react?
What was the outcome?
How did other people react?
So keep that in mind as we uncover why our brains cling to this illusion of control.
But first, let me share a story with you.
This is a story about me trying to get across town to meet a client.
And typically it takes me 10 minutes to get across town in my little community.
On this specific day, it took me 44 minutes and I kept track folks, 44 minutes.
Talk about trying to maintain control or keep control.
That was a very tough day.
I have a very difficult client and in order to appease this client, I have to meet with
them in person.
They won't meet and zoomed or old school.
So I had to get across town because they were leaving on a flight to go back east.
And on this particular day, I hit about every traffic light and there's a ton of traffic
lights between my place and the client's office.
Not only was it the traffic lights, there was construction on the road on the way there.
So you had a construction crew blocked off one of the lanes on a busy thoroughfare across
our town, slowing traffic down.
Adding to that, the traffic lights were out of whack.
I don't know if it had to do with construction.
It could have been.
At one point, I felt like Michael Douglas in the movie falling down.
And I'm not sure if you remember that 1993 movie where Michael Douglas gets frustrated
and traffic gets out of the vehicle and starts walking down.
And then all the mayhem begins.
You know, on that one, on that specific day, I can completely relate.
I had no control, even though I wanted control so bad and it was frustrating the heck out
of me and I could feel my body tensing up.
I'm getting aggravated.
I'm having an amygdala hijack that is my amygdala.
The part of the brain that's the emotional part of the brain.
Some people call it the monkey brain.
It's the oldest part of our brain that was hijacking my emotions and basically controlling
me and I was trying to gain control of that and the situation.
And let me tell you, it was not fun.
Needless to say, I got to the client's office.
I had to take a few minutes before I walked in and I was inevitably late, but I took a
few minutes to compose myself because had I walked in and had this client said something
about me being late, I probably would have lost control at that point too.
Not really, but maybe I would have.
I'll lead that to your imagination.
But the question is, have you ever been in a situation like that?
I mean, where it's something as simple as trying to get across town, trying to make
an appointment and you want to exercise your control over it, but you can't.
You cannot control the environment.
You cannot control the speed.
You cannot control the traffic.
You cannot control anybody.
How does it make you feel?
What did you go through psychologically?
Think about that.
Even in a relationship, if you've ever had a breakup, which I'm certain most people have,
but if you've ever had a breakup and you wanted to control that situation, but you couldn't
because now you have other people involved and you can't control it.
And so how does that make you feel?
What are you, what is that doing to you psychologically?
What are you thinking?
Think about that for a while.
But I'm wondering if you've ever thought about what is control.
I mean, do you have any idea of the concept of control?
I know we understand control.
We want to feel like, you know, when we talk about controlling other people, you know,
we have, we don't have control over that always, but we have control over ourselves, whether
we wake up on time, whether what time we eat, whether we get in the car or we don't get
in the car to go somewhere.
We exercise that control, but I'm talking about the control where we don't have the ability
to control, but we have this illusion that we can control the situation because we're
controlling ourselves.
So what is control?
We need to understand that before we can even continue on with our journey.
And we're talking about psychological control here.
Okay, this is our thoughts.
And the concept of psychological control basically refers to the perception or belief that we
can influence our environment and the outcomes of the events around us.
We think we can control those events, but in reality we can't.
It's just an illusion.
And again, this is not about having absolute power over every aspect of our life, but rather
about the feeling that we, our actions and decisions have a meaningful impact on the
results in which we experience.
So we feel that what we do has an impact on our experience when in fact it really doesn't
because it's just an illusion.
I know you're thinking, you're probably, you're probably scratching your head going like, what
the heck is Alan saying?
We're going to get into that.
So psychological control has three key elements to it.
One is perception, two is influence, and three is the environment in which we are.
So the first element of psychological control is perception.
And it's important to note that psychological control is about perception as much as it
is about reality.
So in other words, whether or not you actually have control over a situation, the belief
that you do can significantly influence your mental state and your behavior.
Let me give you an example.
So imagine you're at a job interview.
I'm sure you've had a job interview at some point in your career or at some point in your
life.
I hope you've had a job interview unless you've worked for a family business.
And in that case, you didn't have a job interview.
But the perception is that, you know, you believe that you have control over the job interview
outcome because you've prepared, you feel like you've prepared thoroughly.
And so this belief that you've prepared thoroughly for the job boosts your confidence, allowing
you to present yourself more effectively, to answer questions more assertively, and to
manage your anxiety.
But the reality of it is the decision is not solely in your hands.
There are many factors that come into play here.
For example, the interviewer's preference, the competition, who are you up against?
How many other people have they interviewed?
And even unforeseen circumstances.
I mean, maybe you get sick and you can't fulfill the job.
Maybe the company folds.
I mean, that would be bad.
The company went out of business before you can even take the position.
But the perception of your control over this situation influences your performance.
You see, you have this perception that you have control over the entire job interview
because of everything that you've done that you've actually had control over.
But in the end, you really don't have that control because it's not completely up to
you.
Let's throw out another example.
We'll talk about health management in this case, in this scenario.
Let's say that someone is diagnosed with a chronic illness.
Well, that person might feel that they, if they adhere to a strict treatment plan, making
significant lifestyle changes, this gives them control over their health.
I believe Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple or the late CEO of Apple, he had cancer.
And he had gone through such a lifestyle change in how he ate in his regime and everything
and slept and woke and exercised and everything.
It's still in the end, did not save him.
So really, there's an illusion that you have control, but in reality, you don't have the
control.
You have no control.
So in the case of our health management example, where you're diagnosed with a chronic illness
and you're changing your lifestyle and you're feeling doing so is giving you a sense of
control.
There are many other factors that come into play.
It could be genetics, you know, unforeseen complications, bad doctors that are treating
you.
I mean, a whole host of reasons.
So this illusion of control that you have is not reality.
It's just this illusion that you have control.
And yet it's your desire to continue to try to maintain control of that situation.
And that's what leads to a lot of mental issues, frustration.
I mean, there's a whole host of it.
We're going to get into some strategies to help you deal with the illusion of control
later on.
So the second element in psychological control is influence.
And the concept of influence basically refers to the ability to affect the outcomes or changes
in your own life or the environment through your actions or decisions.
So let me give you an example of that as well.
You are part of a team working on a project and you suggest an approach that the team
basically loves and they adopt.
This eventually leads to the project's success.
The influence part is your ability to propose and advocate for a new approach basically
influences or directly influences the project's outcome.
Your actions lead to a positive change in the project's direction and success.
I'll give you one more scenario.
Let's say you're a parent.
If you're a parent, as a parent, let's say you decide to set a consistent bedtime for
your child.
Okay.
So a lot of parents do this.
I did this with my child.
You go into bed at nine o'clock and that's it.
Or you go into bed at eight o'clock or six o'clock or whatever o'clock you think they
should be going to bed.
So you set a bedtime and you believe this will give them adequate rest and improve their
mood and performance at school.
So the third element, the third key element in psychological control is environment.
Basically this pertains to the settings or circumstances which you're in.
And within these environments, you may seek control or you may try to adapt to these environments.
So for example, let's imagine that you go into this job and you find the office environment
very noisy.
It's a lot of ruckus, a lot of people talking, you know, commotion going back and forth, a
lot of electronics going off, you know, the printer, whatever else they've got going on.
And it makes it very hard for you to concentrate.
So the environment, so the environment part of this here is the physical setting of your
workplace and its noise level.
The action that you take to control your environment, you decide to wear noise canceling headphones
to basically mitigate the distractions.
This adjustment helps you regain control over your immediate working environment, basically
enhancing your productivity.
So basically what we're talking about here with the three elements of psychological control,
the perception that we have control, the influence over the control that we have in the environment
in which we try to control.
So basically psychological control is fundamentally about the extent to which we as humans can
shape our environment in the events in our lives through our actions.
And this perception that we have, this perception of control plays a very important role in
our motivation, our emotional health, and our overall life satisfaction.
And the concept of psychological control isn't anything new to humanity.
What I'm talking about is an evolutionary advantage of control, which goes back to the
beginning of human beings, which we're going to talk about right now.
So the need for control can be traced back to the earliest humans.
This is evolutionary people.
I mean, this is when life was fraught with uncertainties.
We didn't know what's going on.
We didn't, we had, we had no clues, let alone cars.
Forget about the cars, but we had no clue of what was around us, our environment.
We were just learning our environment.
So we had to understand, you know, the uncertainties of predators to natural disasters around us.
So developing a sense of control was very crucial for our very own survival.
It allowed us to predict and manipulate the environment, you know, to our advantage.
We needed to have that sense of control in order to survive as a species.
I mean, we needed to learn how to control fire, to create tools, to store food.
We had to do all of this stuff to navigate our environment.
We had to control all of that.
Control also played a crucial role in our early evolution as resource management.
I mean, we had to secure resources, right?
We had to, we had to get food, water, shelter.
We had to allocate those resources, basically divvy it up to the tribes people.
Can't just let one person have it all.
I mean, there's always that one person in the family that's hogging all the food or
taking the majority of the food or eating all the food in the fridge or something.
And if you don't have that, bless you.
I'm telling you, when you grow up with boys, boy, I tell you, there's no food left.
And one of them's just taking all the resources.
It also helped enhance our survival rate as a species, being able to control our resources.
So again, all of this goes back to our evolutionary history and helping us survive as a species.
And don't forget social dynamics.
This played a big part in our desire for control to create societies, the hierarchies, who
was the chief, who were the followers, who did the cooking.
And from that, we created structured societies, structured community, organized our communities,
whether it be five huts in a circle in a jungle somewhere, to maybe a little village here
and another village there.
I mean, this is the beginning of the evolution of our society as we speak, the ability to
control.
Can you imagine today, if we can't control things, you'd have anarchy.
People would be driving all over the roads.
Well, okay, they do that in some country.
So I don't know if you've been down in the Mexico.
There's no rules.
I mean, they have rules, but there's no rules.
So there's no control.
Even in the Middle East, I've been out there and it's insane the way they drive.
So I guess I could say not everybody has a sense or need for control.
They just want to control their own destiny, their own destination and just do what they
want.
The point, folks, is that control, the psychology of control goes way back to the beginning
of man for our desire to understand our environment, to stay safe, to procure food and grow our
societies.
So it is part of who we are and we subconsciously recognize that if we don't consciously recognize
that need for psychological control.
The psychological impact of losing control has adverse effects to the human mind and
the human body.
We'll take a look at stress and anxiety.
The initial reaction to losing control is often a biological one where the brain perceives
a threat to your safety or to your stability.
And stability could be, you know, a loss of a job.
You've lost your finances.
I mean, as simple as that, I mean, that's actually a big one.
So what this does is this activates the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis inside your brain,
the HPA, which leads to the release of stress hormones like cortisol or adrenaline.
And these hormones prepare the body to deal with the threat.
You know, it's that fight or flight response.
So when a situation occurs where you don't have that control like the loss of a job or
you feel endangered, maybe you're out walking in the park and you see something or someone,
you feel threatened, this releases stress hormones and you go into that fight or flight
response.
And folks, the increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline, these can result in heightened
alertness and anxiety.
So when you have that heightened alertness and anxiety, when you have that cortisol release,
it's actually useful for an immediate short term challenge.
But the big but is it can become problematic when this state of mind is sustained and basically
manifest into a constant worry and irritability, sleep disturbances and even panic attacks.
And I don't know if you know anybody that gets these panic attacks like that, but I
know several people that this happens to regularly.
They're always in a state of stress because they can't control their environment.
And we're going to talk about the disorders here in a second.
Basically the anxiety, the adrenaline, the cortisol release, the physiological response
puts the body in the heightened state of alertness.
And it's the body's way of preparing to address this loss of control.
And this over time can be extremely exhausting and just not stress and anxiety.
I mean, you there's other emotional responses.
There's a range of emotions that are associated with this loss of control beyond anxiety and
stress.
I mean, losing control can evoke a spectrum of responses, emotional responses.
You can get frustration.
I mean, frustration may arise from a feeling of ineffectiveness and influencing your outcomes.
If you can't influence your outcomes, you begin to feel ineffective.
And what does that happen?
That begins a downward spiral mentally.
You begin to feel sadness, you know, melancholy might occur, you know, if you if you're mourning
the loss of control, basically over important aspects of your life.
And if it's prolonged, and if this is a sustained or prolonged experience with stress and anxiety,
you can actually fall into a deep depression, basically feeling, you know, as though that
you can't do anything.
But that's not to say that you can't fix this.
I mean, there is a solution to this.
We'll get to the solution here in a moment.
Basically what I want you to take away from the stress and anxiety part of this here,
understanding the impact on the human body is that the psychological impact of losing
control is crucial for developing effective strategies, also recognizing the normalcy.
And we'll put normalcy in quotes of the reactions that you have to losing control can also provide
comfort and framework for you to seek appropriate support or intervention.
Basically it transcends into the knowledge that you that you understand this here, empowers
you to address your feelings very constructively, and potentially potentially mitigating the
long term psychological effects of loss of control.
But folks on the flip side of the feeling of loss of control, there are positive effects
of perceived control.
So if you perceive you have control, there is positive effects to that.
For example, you know, a healthy level of perceived control can significantly can significantly
enhance your mental well being.
If you feel like you're in control of something, you may not be in control.
Like I said, if you're going into a job interview, and you feel like you've completely prepared
for the job interview, you know the company, you come out feeling as though you answered
all the questions, you don't have a control of that outcome, but you have the perception
that you are in control.
And it's that perceived control that helps you feel much better about yourself.
I mean, and it could lead to I mean, what does it lead to leads to greater motivation,
greater performance, and increased happiness, and in the end, this this sense of agency
over yourself, it empowers you, giving you confidence to basically tackle challenges
and achieve your goals.
And research shows that students who feel they have control over their learning process
in an environment often perform better academically, and show higher engagement levels.
This goes the same for jobs.
If you if your boss gives you a sense of control over decision making, even though you don't
have the final decision, but gives you a sense of control, it empowers you within your workforce.
It gives you that feeling of satisfaction.
It's when you don't have that perceived sense of control, where you feel like you're inadequate
or you're just another number in the system, people want to feel like they're wanted, they
want to feel like their voice is heard, they want to feel like they have some sort of power
within the organization, within a family or within any entity they belong to.
And when you give them that perceived power, it increases their well being and gives them
a boost of confidence and makes them feel productive in that environment.
Taking that away does completely the opposite and increases anxiety and drops production
levels down.
But then again, let's go to the other extreme where extreme needs for control can have an
impact on your life.
I mean, some control is beneficial, right?
I mean, you agree, you want to have some control, but if you have excessive control or excessive
need for control, this can lead to a psychological disorder as an example, obsessive compulsive
disorder.
This involves an overwhelming urge to control your environment and conform to certain routines.
And it's driven, it's driven by an intense fear and anxiety about what may happen if
you don't follow those routines.
I know that firsthand folks, I have OCD.
It's taken me a long time, I've put myself through CBT cognitive behavioral therapy in
order to overcome the OCD part.
It's still there, but I'm telling you, you have this need to control everything and when
you can't control it, it becomes frustrating and your body begins to shake inside.
And then there's the intrusive thoughts.
I mean, this, this can border anxiety disorder as well, but OCD has the same situation where
you have these intrusive thoughts.
And if you get this, if you have this lack of control over your own thoughts and excessive
worry about future events, this can severely impact your daily functioning.
I mean, how many people do you know that are always worrying about their future?
I mean, chronic worrying.
Tell me how their life is impacted.
You see it firsthand, right?
Their lives cannot be as fulfilling as it should be when they're worrying constantly.
And what I've always said is that worrying is like paying a bill you don't even owe.
Because when you worry, you're worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet.
It's a lot more complex than that.
But if you want to sum it up, then that's probably the best way to sum it up.
Worrying is like paying a bill you don't even know.
But there is help to help you with your lack of perceived control.
Some of the help requires, you know, therapeutic strategies aimed at helping you accept uncertainty
and developing a healthier control mechanism.
We have to learn to accept the uncertainty.
I embrace uncertainty because I'm excited to see what's going to happen.
I want to know.
But I also have a contingency plan in case what I want to happen does not happen.
And that's probably part of my OCD.
There's also cognitive behavioral therapy, which I mentioned earlier, CBT.
It's basically a way to help you change your control-related thoughts and behaviors, basically,
to reduce anxiety.
So CBT is basically an effective teaching strategy to help you change the way you view
your control-related thoughts and behaviors in order to reduce the anxiety and improve
your overall mental health.
And that's something you would have to talk to a healthcare professional, someone who's
licensed and trained.
You could do CBT courses online.
I've seen them, but I don't know how effective they are.
I've put myself through it, but I've had a whole life of dealing with OCD, and I've done
a lot of research on OCD and anxiety disorder.
So CBT wasn't that complicated for me to go through on my own, but it still does help
to have a professional help you with that.
And so on that note, let's talk about ways we can help you overcome your lack of perceived
control.
And when I say perceived control, you really don't have control over everything.
And I want to drive that into your mind.
Control is perceived.
We have this perception of control.
And if we were able to perceive that we have that control, we do better.
We feel better.
We're more motivated.
We're more engaged.
And that's where I want to get you to that point where you feel like you're in control,
that you have that perception of control.
So now that we've talked through, now that we've gone through understanding that this
desire to have control is really a perception.
We don't really have full control over every situation.
We just have this perceived control.
We just have this perception that we have control.
And as long as we keep that perception, we're fine.
I mean, we're well balanced.
We're not stressed.
We don't have anxiety.
We don't release cortisol and adrenaline into our body further impacting our health.
However, it's easier said than done, right?
I mean, I can simply say to you, you have control, but that doesn't mean you do.
And sometimes we have these mental disorders like OCD or anxiety disorder where we want
too much control and that doesn't help us either.
But having said that, these are some tips that could help you with the perception of
lack of control in your life.
This is not the final solution.
I would, if you have something like OCD or anxiety disorder, I would highly advocate
you get professional help with that.
However, if you don't, and you feel like you need a little extra boost to help you develop
some sort of resiliency towards this need for self control or this need to control situations,
then you might find that these tips can help you.
And for starters, this is something I advocate in goal setting, especially on my YouTube
channel.
Make small changes.
Basically change small habits.
Maybe you alter your morning routine.
If you find something that is beyond your ability to control the situation like you
can't get up on time, you might need to make an adjustment.
You might need to get to bed earlier.
You might need to change your schedule in the morning.
If you're going into work, maybe you can work something out where you can go in a little
later, but just make some small changes.
I mean, maybe you take a different route to work.
Maybe the route you take right now to work causes you an immense amount of anxiety because
you can't control the route.
You can't control what's going on on that route.
Look for another route.
Maybe there's a shorter route.
Maybe there's a route that's less traffic.
It might take you a few extra minutes, but in the long run, it'll help you control.
It'll help you create that perception of control over your drive to work.
And this may seem silly, but a lot of people get frustrated with lunchtime when they're
going out to a restaurant.
They want to be served quickly and they cannot control that.
You can't control it when you've got 100 people crammed into a restaurant that wants to eat
within 30 minutes and you've only got a few people helping out.
Maybe you want to try a different restaurant, try something different.
I mean, there are solutions.
You just have to be a little adaptable and willing to compromise a little bit to make
these small adjustments in order to feel like you have that perception of control.
And you want to cultivate a yes attitude.
I mean, accept new invitations.
If someone invites you socially somewhere that you might normally turn down, why don't
you try a new experience, accept that invitation?
And why is this important?
Because if you get in a habit of always saying, no, you tend to feel like you don't have,
I mean, you have control of that situation, but put yourself into a situation where you
don't have 100% control, can open you up to new experiences and opened up your mind and
can change how you perceive your need to control the situation.
Because it's easy to say, no, I don't want to go anywhere.
I don't want to do anything.
It's a little tougher to get out of your comfort zone and do something a little different
that's going to change your perspective.
I mean, try new things.
If you if there's a hobby you've been wanting to try or you didn't even like, maybe you
want to try it, you know, try a new class, try a new event.
Because seriously, folks, trying something new is a gateway to an unexpected joy.
It's a gateway to learning new opportunities, to meet new people, to changing your perspective.
And this is what we're trying to do.
Change your perspective a little so that it changes your need to perceive that you're
in control of certain situations when you're not.
Thus, and here's a big one, reduce overplanning.
We tend to cram.
Well, I don't shouldn't say everybody.
There are people who just don't do much period throughout the day.
But some of us like to cram more into the day than the day will allow us to get done.
If you reduce your overplanning, you create space in your calendar.
And what that does when you have space in your calendar, you're allowing a buffer for
unplanned circumstances, things in which you cannot normally control because you have too
much crammed into your schedule and you feel like you have no control over it.
If you plan less, and I mean, and I don't mean stop doing what you want to do to achieve
your goals.
What I'm saying is don't stack so much in a day.
Give yourself some buffer time, maybe 30 minutes or so or an hour, even if you can start out
small with 15 minutes.
Give yourself some buffer time for some unexpected activities or occurrences.
This way you won't feel like you're out of control, like you can't control the situation.
In your mindset, you'll begin to adapt and say, Hey, I have time for this now, I can
control that.
So this is something that bugs me last minute plans.
I don't like last minute anything.
But you may want to learn to embrace that I've learned to adapt to that because in my family,
we do last minute things and it annoys me, but I've learned to adapt that and embrace
that and look at it from a different perspective rather than going, I don't want to do this.
I've got something else to do.
I go, you know what?
I'm going to do this because it's time I spend with my family and I don't get that time when
I'm doing other projects.
So I'm going to go ahead and embrace this unexpected outing that my wife wants to do,
for example, and stay focused on the present.
Don't worry about tomorrow.
First of all, don't worry about yesterday.
Yesterday's gone.
It's not coming back.
Let it go.
It's not coming back.
It's coming back.
So don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow isn't here yet and we don't know what's going
to happen.
And like I said earlier, worrying is like paying a bill you don't even owe.
So engage in the present.
Practice mindfulness.
You know, engage is there's no shortage of courses online or books at the bookstore that
talk about mindful techniques, meditation, focusing on your breathing, focusing on the
present and keeping your mind focused on the now, not tomorrow, not something that's
not, you shouldn't be worrying about and then stressing out about it because you don't have
control over it because of course you don't have control over it because it hasn't happened
yet.
And you know what?
Challenge fear of the unknown.
Growing up, I was afraid of almost everything and everyone.
I mean, the dark was my biggest fear.
How about the dark at night in the woods?
Would you go out and walk in the woods by yourself at night?
Well, I did.
I was kind of forced to by my dad, but I ended up hiking in the middle of the night down
a mountain by myself to find my way to camp.
I would sleep out in the rain along the coast while we're camping while my dad slept in
the camper.
I'm talking stuff like that.
I would, he would help me get out of my comfort zone to where I don't even have that fear
anymore and I don't have that need to have to control that environment around me because
I know what I'm dealing with, which takes on a whole different sense of accomplishment
and a whole different mindset of perceived self control or perceived control.
You don't have to start as harsh as I did, like walking into the woods at night or hiking
down a mountain or sleeping out in the rain, you know, just under a picnic bench while
your dad slept in the, slept in the camper.
I mean, start out small, do small things that will build up your encouragement to face your
challenges, to face your fears of the unknown.
I mean, take a trip somewhere, go to a different city, try a different restaurant, try a different
food you don't like at a different restaurant.
For me, food is, I don't like all kinds of food.
I'm a burgers and fries kind of guy.
So when I've been, when I've been placed in situations where I've had to have these fancy
food foods, boy, let me tell you, I had to suck it up buttercup and I just went with
it and dived right in.
Did I like it?
I can't say that I did.
But I got the fear over that need to control that situation.
I realized, okay, I'm here.
Let's try something different.
Let's not put that pressure on myself to have to try to control the situation and increase
my anxiety levels over it.
Yeah, sure.
There's a little bit of anxiety at first.
I was like, I don't want to eat this.
But in the end, it's not as much as it could be if I decided to flat out, deny it, refuse
it and try to control that situation.
I had no control over it.
I'm out with, I'm out with friends.
I could have left, but what would that have looked like?
So, you know, embrace it.
You know, connect with spontaneous people, spontaneous people annoy me.
But having said that, they're good for you at the same time because what they do is they
get you out of your comfort zone.
They teach you how to be more spontaneous, how to be more last minute, how to embrace,
you know, the challenges that you might be afraid of.
I mean, if you don't know any spontaneous people, you might want to, you might want to
try engaging in some groups that maybe do outdoor outdoor activities that do hiking
or something that's spontaneous or that, you know, I don't know if there's a spontaneous
organization out there, you know, spontaneous America or something.
But if there is, that would be awesome.
You just go do activities at the last minute.
They call you up, hey, let's go do this.
You're like, no, I really can't.
I, you know, I got stuff to do.
The bottom line is, you know, engage in that kind of stuff.
And again, start low.
You don't have to start like full on 100% hardcore.
Oh, I'm going to fly, you know, go buy a ticket at the airport and randomly select a country
and then just go fly across the globe.
We're not talking about that.
Although that would be cool.
And that would be the ultimate test of, of letting go of this, this need to have this
perceived control over our lives.
And finally, unplug from technology folks, especially social media.
It's good to set your phone down, your TV down, whatever it is you have in front of
you and just think, just go into yourself and think, you know, or not think, listen to
some music.
I mean, if you reduce social media time, that's probably one of the best things for you.
Because what it does is that decreases the urge to compare yourself to others.
Isn't that what we're always doing on social media?
Comparing ourselves and then trying to control our situation because we're not like that.
We want to be like that.
Unplug yourself folks.
Get out of that mindset.
There is no script in life that mandates you have to be on social media.
That is a human curiosity need that we need to be on social media.
We got to see what so and so is doing and make some judgments or compare ourselves to
them when that is not reality.
Take care of yourself.
Look out for you first.
Don't worry about what the Joneses are doing or little Timmy's doing or Samantha's doing
or whatever they call themselves on social media or what's going on on TikTok.
Who cares?
Because that's not you and that's not your life.
You can't control that.
What you can do is control the time you spend on social media.
And so you want to cut that back.
I would just completely cut technology unplug.
Here's something.
If you've never gone out camping or if you've never gone into the woods by yourself, why
don't you go run a cabin, get out of your comfort zone, go up there by yourself, sit
outside on the porch or out front listening to the sounds of nature, no technology and
just getting out of your comfort zone and doing something completely different and try
not to control the situation.
I promise you folks, if you do this, you will come out a lot stronger than you did than you
were when you went in because there's nothing more liberating than freeing yourself from
that need to control everything around you, which is an illusion, right?
Because it's not real.
You're not controlling anything, but this perception that you have.
Okay, folks, this brings us to the very end of this podcast.
And if you've lasted this long, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for
coming out of your comfort zone and listening to me.
I really mean that.
That is an accomplishment in itself.
So give yourself a hand for that.
We talked about the illusion of control.
Basically the illusion that we actually have control over situations when it's mainly our
perception, we want to have this perceived sense of control.
And when we have this perceived sense of control, we feel better.
We're mentally more prepared to deal with things.
We feel confident, motivated, and we want to go out and conquer the world.
It's when we don't have this perceived control that we feel depressed, we get anxious, you
know, and we just, it could lead into severe depression for some people.
When in reality, control itself is a perception.
It's not even real.
So I've given you tips on how to mitigate that, how to reduce that need to have the perceived
control or to have control at all to expand yourself, get yourself out of your comfort
zones and grow mentally, you know, grow yourself, become stronger mentally.
So you can deal with moments where you don't feel like you have control.
You can just brush it off like, I've got this, this is not a big deal.
I've been through this.
So your challenge this week and every week is to go out there, do something different.
Try to alter a routine where you feel you need to have control over, try to alter that
routine.
If it's a, if it's one way to work, try a different way to work.
If it's, if it's food that you don't like to eat, try, try the food that you don't like
to eat, try altering that and seeing how that impacts your thinking, how that impacts your
overall mental health.
I promise you, if you stick with that, you will overcome this need to feel like you're
in control all the time and it's okay to not be in control all the time.
And on that note, I appreciate you.
I appreciate your time and I appreciate all the effort you've got put into helping you
become a better you.
Thanks for listening.