1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,800 Hello and welcome to Life Unscripted, the podcast that just hits you with the hard 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:10,960 truth that life has no script and everything you've been taught is an illusion. 3 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,920 I'm your host Allen Stafford. 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:19,160 Join me as we dive deep into the unscripted layers of human psychology as I explore a 5 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:31,160 fascinating aspect of our minds. 6 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,400 So a question for you. 7 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,560 I mean, why do you think we humans crave control? 8 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,120 Think about that for a second. 9 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:43,280 I mean, why do you think we crave certainty in an uncertain world? 10 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,760 Because if you think about it, everything is uncertain, right? 11 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,120 I mean, we don't have. 12 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,800 We don't know what's going to happen the next day or if we set out to accomplish a 13 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,800 goal. 14 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:52,800 We don't know what the outcome is going to be. 15 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,840 We can hope, we can plan, but we really don't know. 16 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,440 And we crave the certainty of that. 17 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,560 We want to know what's going to happen. 18 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:05,440 And I'm sure you feel that way or have felt that way or feel that way often. 19 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,160 If you don't, then I'm not sure. 20 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:08,160 You're not from this planet. 21 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,400 You're not from the human race. 22 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:14,200 You know, and why do we feel better when we think we are in charge? 23 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:18,400 I mean, I'm not talking about the bossy, bossy people, and I know you know some of 24 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,400 those. 25 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,760 I'm talking about we need to feel like we're in charge of our life. 26 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:27,640 We're in control of our life, whether it be trying to get through a traffic light, 27 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:34,000 you know, to, to our appointment or whether we're in control in a relationship somehow 28 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,680 or a job or something. 29 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:40,840 We tend to feel a little bit better when we have that control. 30 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,480 And I'm not talking about control freaks here, folks. 31 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,880 I'm talking about just our own ability to control our own environment. 32 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,600 Why do we feel better about that? 33 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:53,840 We're going to dive into this topic and explore how this need to fill in control impacts our 34 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,160 personal and professional lives. 35 00:01:56,160 --> 00:02:00,840 We'll also dive into the neuroscience behind control and discuss what happens when the 36 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,960 reality of control doesn't match our expectations, which I'm certain that each and every one 37 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960 of us suffers from that. 38 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,640 And if you don't, then I want to meet you because you've got to be one exceptional 39 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:18,200 person when the reality of control, your desire for control does not meet your expectations. 40 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:23,240 And as we go through this podcast and we learn about these insights on control and the lack 41 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:28,880 of control, I want you to think about the last time you felt out of control. 42 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,240 What was it like for you? 43 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,640 What did you feel? 44 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:32,840 How did your body react? 45 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,600 How did your mind react? 46 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,600 What was the outcome? 47 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,520 How did other people react? 48 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:43,200 So keep that in mind as we uncover why our brains cling to this illusion of control. 49 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,880 But first, let me share a story with you. 50 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,960 This is a story about me trying to get across town to meet a client. 51 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:56,120 And typically it takes me 10 minutes to get across town in my little community. 52 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:03,760 On this specific day, it took me 44 minutes and I kept track folks, 44 minutes. 53 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:09,320 Talk about trying to maintain control or keep control. 54 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,400 That was a very tough day. 55 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:16,600 I have a very difficult client and in order to appease this client, I have to meet with 56 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:17,600 them in person. 57 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,760 They won't meet and zoomed or old school. 58 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:24,160 So I had to get across town because they were leaving on a flight to go back east. 59 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:29,360 And on this particular day, I hit about every traffic light and there's a ton of traffic 60 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,320 lights between my place and the client's office. 61 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:39,440 Not only was it the traffic lights, there was construction on the road on the way there. 62 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:45,800 So you had a construction crew blocked off one of the lanes on a busy thoroughfare across 63 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,600 our town, slowing traffic down. 64 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,480 Adding to that, the traffic lights were out of whack. 65 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,320 I don't know if it had to do with construction. 66 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,760 It could have been. 67 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:59,080 At one point, I felt like Michael Douglas in the movie falling down. 68 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:03,240 And I'm not sure if you remember that 1993 movie where Michael Douglas gets frustrated 69 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,800 and traffic gets out of the vehicle and starts walking down. 70 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,160 And then all the mayhem begins. 71 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,480 You know, on that one, on that specific day, I can completely relate. 72 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:20,200 I had no control, even though I wanted control so bad and it was frustrating the heck out 73 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,120 of me and I could feel my body tensing up. 74 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,620 I'm getting aggravated. 75 00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:27,240 I'm having an amygdala hijack that is my amygdala. 76 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,720 The part of the brain that's the emotional part of the brain. 77 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,200 Some people call it the monkey brain. 78 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:36,400 It's the oldest part of our brain that was hijacking my emotions and basically controlling 79 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,760 me and I was trying to gain control of that and the situation. 80 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,680 And let me tell you, it was not fun. 81 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,800 Needless to say, I got to the client's office. 82 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:51,160 I had to take a few minutes before I walked in and I was inevitably late, but I took a 83 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:55,440 few minutes to compose myself because had I walked in and had this client said something 84 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,320 about me being late, I probably would have lost control at that point too. 85 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,680 Not really, but maybe I would have. 86 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,400 I'll lead that to your imagination. 87 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,440 But the question is, have you ever been in a situation like that? 88 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:12,000 I mean, where it's something as simple as trying to get across town, trying to make 89 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,240 an appointment and you want to exercise your control over it, but you can't. 90 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,520 You cannot control the environment. 91 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:18,520 You cannot control the speed. 92 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,900 You cannot control the traffic. 93 00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,800 You cannot control anybody. 94 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,120 How does it make you feel? 95 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,280 What did you go through psychologically? 96 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,280 Think about that. 97 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:32,280 Even in a relationship, if you've ever had a breakup, which I'm certain most people have, 98 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:36,080 but if you've ever had a breakup and you wanted to control that situation, but you couldn't 99 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,080 because now you have other people involved and you can't control it. 100 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,560 And so how does that make you feel? 101 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,400 What are you, what is that doing to you psychologically? 102 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,960 What are you thinking? 103 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,840 Think about that for a while. 104 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,680 But I'm wondering if you've ever thought about what is control. 105 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,960 I mean, do you have any idea of the concept of control? 106 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,760 I know we understand control. 107 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:01,760 We want to feel like, you know, when we talk about controlling other people, you know, 108 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:06,120 we have, we don't have control over that always, but we have control over ourselves, whether 109 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,600 we wake up on time, whether what time we eat, whether we get in the car or we don't get 110 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,000 in the car to go somewhere. 111 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:16,360 We exercise that control, but I'm talking about the control where we don't have the ability 112 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:21,400 to control, but we have this illusion that we can control the situation because we're 113 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,880 controlling ourselves. 114 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,480 So what is control? 115 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:29,880 We need to understand that before we can even continue on with our journey. 116 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,920 And we're talking about psychological control here. 117 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,360 Okay, this is our thoughts. 118 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:39,560 And the concept of psychological control basically refers to the perception or belief that we 119 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:45,160 can influence our environment and the outcomes of the events around us. 120 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,200 We think we can control those events, but in reality we can't. 121 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,720 It's just an illusion. 122 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:56,160 And again, this is not about having absolute power over every aspect of our life, but rather 123 00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:01,100 about the feeling that we, our actions and decisions have a meaningful impact on the 124 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,760 results in which we experience. 125 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:10,520 So we feel that what we do has an impact on our experience when in fact it really doesn't 126 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,400 because it's just an illusion. 127 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:16,360 I know you're thinking, you're probably, you're probably scratching your head going like, what 128 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,240 the heck is Alan saying? 129 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,240 We're going to get into that. 130 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:24,480 So psychological control has three key elements to it. 131 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:30,600 One is perception, two is influence, and three is the environment in which we are. 132 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,720 So the first element of psychological control is perception. 133 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:38,400 And it's important to note that psychological control is about perception as much as it 134 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,840 is about reality. 135 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:45,800 So in other words, whether or not you actually have control over a situation, the belief 136 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:51,360 that you do can significantly influence your mental state and your behavior. 137 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,960 Let me give you an example. 138 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,400 So imagine you're at a job interview. 139 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,840 I'm sure you've had a job interview at some point in your career or at some point in your 140 00:07:58,840 --> 00:07:59,840 life. 141 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,520 I hope you've had a job interview unless you've worked for a family business. 142 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,080 And in that case, you didn't have a job interview. 143 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:10,880 But the perception is that, you know, you believe that you have control over the job interview 144 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,540 outcome because you've prepared, you feel like you've prepared thoroughly. 145 00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:18,880 And so this belief that you've prepared thoroughly for the job boosts your confidence, allowing 146 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:24,760 you to present yourself more effectively, to answer questions more assertively, and to 147 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,000 manage your anxiety. 148 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:32,320 But the reality of it is the decision is not solely in your hands. 149 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,040 There are many factors that come into play here. 150 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,680 For example, the interviewer's preference, the competition, who are you up against? 151 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,720 How many other people have they interviewed? 152 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,920 And even unforeseen circumstances. 153 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,160 I mean, maybe you get sick and you can't fulfill the job. 154 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,320 Maybe the company folds. 155 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,480 I mean, that would be bad. 156 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,620 The company went out of business before you can even take the position. 157 00:08:54,620 --> 00:09:00,880 But the perception of your control over this situation influences your performance. 158 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:04,720 You see, you have this perception that you have control over the entire job interview 159 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:08,880 because of everything that you've done that you've actually had control over. 160 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:13,160 But in the end, you really don't have that control because it's not completely up to 161 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,160 you. 162 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,680 Let's throw out another example. 163 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,960 We'll talk about health management in this case, in this scenario. 164 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,720 Let's say that someone is diagnosed with a chronic illness. 165 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:28,640 Well, that person might feel that they, if they adhere to a strict treatment plan, making 166 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:33,280 significant lifestyle changes, this gives them control over their health. 167 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:38,840 I believe Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple or the late CEO of Apple, he had cancer. 168 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:46,120 And he had gone through such a lifestyle change in how he ate in his regime and everything 169 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,160 and slept and woke and exercised and everything. 170 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,280 It's still in the end, did not save him. 171 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:56,640 So really, there's an illusion that you have control, but in reality, you don't have the 172 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:57,760 control. 173 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,160 You have no control. 174 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,760 So in the case of our health management example, where you're diagnosed with a chronic illness 175 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,960 and you're changing your lifestyle and you're feeling doing so is giving you a sense of 176 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,040 control. 177 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,520 There are many other factors that come into play. 178 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:15,800 It could be genetics, you know, unforeseen complications, bad doctors that are treating 179 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,800 you. 180 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,160 I mean, a whole host of reasons. 181 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,280 So this illusion of control that you have is not reality. 182 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,680 It's just this illusion that you have control. 183 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:30,240 And yet it's your desire to continue to try to maintain control of that situation. 184 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:35,000 And that's what leads to a lot of mental issues, frustration. 185 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,840 I mean, there's a whole host of it. 186 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:43,280 We're going to get into some strategies to help you deal with the illusion of control 187 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:44,560 later on. 188 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,960 So the second element in psychological control is influence. 189 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:54,080 And the concept of influence basically refers to the ability to affect the outcomes or changes 190 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:58,200 in your own life or the environment through your actions or decisions. 191 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,640 So let me give you an example of that as well. 192 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:06,080 You are part of a team working on a project and you suggest an approach that the team 193 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,080 basically loves and they adopt. 194 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,600 This eventually leads to the project's success. 195 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:17,680 The influence part is your ability to propose and advocate for a new approach basically 196 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,280 influences or directly influences the project's outcome. 197 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:26,120 Your actions lead to a positive change in the project's direction and success. 198 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,440 I'll give you one more scenario. 199 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,680 Let's say you're a parent. 200 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:33,240 If you're a parent, as a parent, let's say you decide to set a consistent bedtime for 201 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,240 your child. 202 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,240 Okay. 203 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,240 So a lot of parents do this. 204 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,720 I did this with my child. 205 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,120 You go into bed at nine o'clock and that's it. 206 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,200 Or you go into bed at eight o'clock or six o'clock or whatever o'clock you think they 207 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,360 should be going to bed. 208 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,160 So you set a bedtime and you believe this will give them adequate rest and improve their 209 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,780 mood and performance at school. 210 00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:55,520 So the third element, the third key element in psychological control is environment. 211 00:11:55,520 --> 00:12:01,240 Basically this pertains to the settings or circumstances which you're in. 212 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:07,080 And within these environments, you may seek control or you may try to adapt to these environments. 213 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:11,680 So for example, let's imagine that you go into this job and you find the office environment 214 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:12,680 very noisy. 215 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:16,720 It's a lot of ruckus, a lot of people talking, you know, commotion going back and forth, a 216 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,880 lot of electronics going off, you know, the printer, whatever else they've got going on. 217 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,440 And it makes it very hard for you to concentrate. 218 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,880 So the environment, so the environment part of this here is the physical setting of your 219 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,800 workplace and its noise level. 220 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:37,000 The action that you take to control your environment, you decide to wear noise canceling headphones 221 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,840 to basically mitigate the distractions. 222 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:44,920 This adjustment helps you regain control over your immediate working environment, basically 223 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,020 enhancing your productivity. 224 00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:51,720 So basically what we're talking about here with the three elements of psychological control, 225 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,520 the perception that we have control, the influence over the control that we have in the environment 226 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,840 in which we try to control. 227 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:04,280 So basically psychological control is fundamentally about the extent to which we as humans can 228 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,880 shape our environment in the events in our lives through our actions. 229 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:14,560 And this perception that we have, this perception of control plays a very important role in 230 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,680 our motivation, our emotional health, and our overall life satisfaction. 231 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:25,840 And the concept of psychological control isn't anything new to humanity. 232 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:30,600 What I'm talking about is an evolutionary advantage of control, which goes back to the 233 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,160 beginning of human beings, which we're going to talk about right now. 234 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:38,000 So the need for control can be traced back to the earliest humans. 235 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,200 This is evolutionary people. 236 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,880 I mean, this is when life was fraught with uncertainties. 237 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,080 We didn't know what's going on. 238 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,720 We didn't, we had, we had no clues, let alone cars. 239 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:54,000 Forget about the cars, but we had no clue of what was around us, our environment. 240 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,320 We were just learning our environment. 241 00:13:56,320 --> 00:14:03,040 So we had to understand, you know, the uncertainties of predators to natural disasters around us. 242 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,240 So developing a sense of control was very crucial for our very own survival. 243 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:13,240 It allowed us to predict and manipulate the environment, you know, to our advantage. 244 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:18,440 We needed to have that sense of control in order to survive as a species. 245 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,560 I mean, we needed to learn how to control fire, to create tools, to store food. 246 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,080 We had to do all of this stuff to navigate our environment. 247 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,880 We had to control all of that. 248 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:31,800 Control also played a crucial role in our early evolution as resource management. 249 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,640 I mean, we had to secure resources, right? 250 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,520 We had to, we had to get food, water, shelter. 251 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:42,080 We had to allocate those resources, basically divvy it up to the tribes people. 252 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,080 Can't just let one person have it all. 253 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,360 I mean, there's always that one person in the family that's hogging all the food or 254 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:52,040 taking the majority of the food or eating all the food in the fridge or something. 255 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,680 And if you don't have that, bless you. 256 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:59,680 I'm telling you, when you grow up with boys, boy, I tell you, there's no food left. 257 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,800 And one of them's just taking all the resources. 258 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:07,520 It also helped enhance our survival rate as a species, being able to control our resources. 259 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:14,520 So again, all of this goes back to our evolutionary history and helping us survive as a species. 260 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,360 And don't forget social dynamics. 261 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:22,360 This played a big part in our desire for control to create societies, the hierarchies, who 262 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,560 was the chief, who were the followers, who did the cooking. 263 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:32,600 And from that, we created structured societies, structured community, organized our communities, 264 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:39,320 whether it be five huts in a circle in a jungle somewhere, to maybe a little village here 265 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,840 and another village there. 266 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:45,520 I mean, this is the beginning of the evolution of our society as we speak, the ability to 267 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:46,520 control. 268 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,280 Can you imagine today, if we can't control things, you'd have anarchy. 269 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,600 People would be driving all over the roads. 270 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,360 Well, okay, they do that in some country. 271 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,400 So I don't know if you've been down in the Mexico. 272 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,400 There's no rules. 273 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,400 I mean, they have rules, but there's no rules. 274 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,400 So there's no control. 275 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,640 Even in the Middle East, I've been out there and it's insane the way they drive. 276 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:09,040 So I guess I could say not everybody has a sense or need for control. 277 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:13,360 They just want to control their own destiny, their own destination and just do what they 278 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,360 want. 279 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:19,560 The point, folks, is that control, the psychology of control goes way back to the beginning 280 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:26,200 of man for our desire to understand our environment, to stay safe, to procure food and grow our 281 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,200 societies. 282 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:32,800 So it is part of who we are and we subconsciously recognize that if we don't consciously recognize 283 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,040 that need for psychological control. 284 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:40,560 The psychological impact of losing control has adverse effects to the human mind and 285 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,560 the human body. 286 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,880 We'll take a look at stress and anxiety. 287 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:48,960 The initial reaction to losing control is often a biological one where the brain perceives 288 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,440 a threat to your safety or to your stability. 289 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,080 And stability could be, you know, a loss of a job. 290 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,880 You've lost your finances. 291 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,860 I mean, as simple as that, I mean, that's actually a big one. 292 00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:06,640 So what this does is this activates the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis inside your brain, 293 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:12,340 the HPA, which leads to the release of stress hormones like cortisol or adrenaline. 294 00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:15,760 And these hormones prepare the body to deal with the threat. 295 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,920 You know, it's that fight or flight response. 296 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:22,360 So when a situation occurs where you don't have that control like the loss of a job or 297 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:26,960 you feel endangered, maybe you're out walking in the park and you see something or someone, 298 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:31,600 you feel threatened, this releases stress hormones and you go into that fight or flight 299 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,600 response. 300 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:37,800 And folks, the increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline, these can result in heightened 301 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,960 alertness and anxiety. 302 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:44,280 So when you have that heightened alertness and anxiety, when you have that cortisol release, 303 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,160 it's actually useful for an immediate short term challenge. 304 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:54,680 But the big but is it can become problematic when this state of mind is sustained and basically 305 00:17:54,680 --> 00:18:00,720 manifest into a constant worry and irritability, sleep disturbances and even panic attacks. 306 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,640 And I don't know if you know anybody that gets these panic attacks like that, but I 307 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,760 know several people that this happens to regularly. 308 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,960 They're always in a state of stress because they can't control their environment. 309 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,960 And we're going to talk about the disorders here in a second. 310 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:19,480 Basically the anxiety, the adrenaline, the cortisol release, the physiological response 311 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,280 puts the body in the heightened state of alertness. 312 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,680 And it's the body's way of preparing to address this loss of control. 313 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,600 And this over time can be extremely exhausting and just not stress and anxiety. 314 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,320 I mean, you there's other emotional responses. 315 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,640 There's a range of emotions that are associated with this loss of control beyond anxiety and 316 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:38,640 stress. 317 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:43,240 I mean, losing control can evoke a spectrum of responses, emotional responses. 318 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,240 You can get frustration. 319 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:48,720 I mean, frustration may arise from a feeling of ineffectiveness and influencing your outcomes. 320 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:53,280 If you can't influence your outcomes, you begin to feel ineffective. 321 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,480 And what does that happen? 322 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,560 That begins a downward spiral mentally. 323 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,960 You begin to feel sadness, you know, melancholy might occur, you know, if you if you're mourning 324 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:06,440 the loss of control, basically over important aspects of your life. 325 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:13,040 And if it's prolonged, and if this is a sustained or prolonged experience with stress and anxiety, 326 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:18,480 you can actually fall into a deep depression, basically feeling, you know, as though that 327 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,800 you can't do anything. 328 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,760 But that's not to say that you can't fix this. 329 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,560 I mean, there is a solution to this. 330 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,240 We'll get to the solution here in a moment. 331 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:30,200 Basically what I want you to take away from the stress and anxiety part of this here, 332 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,600 understanding the impact on the human body is that the psychological impact of losing 333 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:41,080 control is crucial for developing effective strategies, also recognizing the normalcy. 334 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:46,360 And we'll put normalcy in quotes of the reactions that you have to losing control can also provide 335 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:52,720 comfort and framework for you to seek appropriate support or intervention. 336 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:57,600 Basically it transcends into the knowledge that you that you understand this here, empowers 337 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:03,000 you to address your feelings very constructively, and potentially potentially mitigating the 338 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,440 long term psychological effects of loss of control. 339 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:11,720 But folks on the flip side of the feeling of loss of control, there are positive effects 340 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,120 of perceived control. 341 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:17,680 So if you perceive you have control, there is positive effects to that. 342 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:22,640 For example, you know, a healthy level of perceived control can significantly can significantly 343 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,080 enhance your mental well being. 344 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,160 If you feel like you're in control of something, you may not be in control. 345 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,760 Like I said, if you're going into a job interview, and you feel like you've completely prepared 346 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:37,680 for the job interview, you know the company, you come out feeling as though you answered 347 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,400 all the questions, you don't have a control of that outcome, but you have the perception 348 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,440 that you are in control. 349 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,920 And it's that perceived control that helps you feel much better about yourself. 350 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:53,360 I mean, and it could lead to I mean, what does it lead to leads to greater motivation, 351 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:58,880 greater performance, and increased happiness, and in the end, this this sense of agency 352 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:04,080 over yourself, it empowers you, giving you confidence to basically tackle challenges 353 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,680 and achieve your goals. 354 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:09,560 And research shows that students who feel they have control over their learning process 355 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:15,400 in an environment often perform better academically, and show higher engagement levels. 356 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,880 This goes the same for jobs. 357 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:23,800 If you if your boss gives you a sense of control over decision making, even though you don't 358 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:29,680 have the final decision, but gives you a sense of control, it empowers you within your workforce. 359 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,240 It gives you that feeling of satisfaction. 360 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,400 It's when you don't have that perceived sense of control, where you feel like you're inadequate 361 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:41,000 or you're just another number in the system, people want to feel like they're wanted, they 362 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,640 want to feel like their voice is heard, they want to feel like they have some sort of power 363 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:49,920 within the organization, within a family or within any entity they belong to. 364 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:54,560 And when you give them that perceived power, it increases their well being and gives them 365 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:58,720 a boost of confidence and makes them feel productive in that environment. 366 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:03,520 Taking that away does completely the opposite and increases anxiety and drops production 367 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:04,600 levels down. 368 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:10,120 But then again, let's go to the other extreme where extreme needs for control can have an 369 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,120 impact on your life. 370 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,480 I mean, some control is beneficial, right? 371 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:18,040 I mean, you agree, you want to have some control, but if you have excessive control or excessive 372 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:24,440 need for control, this can lead to a psychological disorder as an example, obsessive compulsive 373 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:25,440 disorder. 374 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:31,000 This involves an overwhelming urge to control your environment and conform to certain routines. 375 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:36,520 And it's driven, it's driven by an intense fear and anxiety about what may happen if 376 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,080 you don't follow those routines. 377 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,520 I know that firsthand folks, I have OCD. 378 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,960 It's taken me a long time, I've put myself through CBT cognitive behavioral therapy in 379 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,120 order to overcome the OCD part. 380 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:51,440 It's still there, but I'm telling you, you have this need to control everything and when 381 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,200 you can't control it, it becomes frustrating and your body begins to shake inside. 382 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,200 And then there's the intrusive thoughts. 383 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:03,520 I mean, this, this can border anxiety disorder as well, but OCD has the same situation where 384 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,880 you have these intrusive thoughts. 385 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:10,640 And if you get this, if you have this lack of control over your own thoughts and excessive 386 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:16,040 worry about future events, this can severely impact your daily functioning. 387 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,920 I mean, how many people do you know that are always worrying about their future? 388 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,560 I mean, chronic worrying. 389 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,200 Tell me how their life is impacted. 390 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,700 You see it firsthand, right? 391 00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:31,360 Their lives cannot be as fulfilling as it should be when they're worrying constantly. 392 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:37,600 And what I've always said is that worrying is like paying a bill you don't even owe. 393 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:41,320 Because when you worry, you're worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. 394 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,800 It's a lot more complex than that. 395 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,400 But if you want to sum it up, then that's probably the best way to sum it up. 396 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,720 Worrying is like paying a bill you don't even know. 397 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,560 But there is help to help you with your lack of perceived control. 398 00:23:53,560 --> 00:24:00,320 Some of the help requires, you know, therapeutic strategies aimed at helping you accept uncertainty 399 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,960 and developing a healthier control mechanism. 400 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,600 We have to learn to accept the uncertainty. 401 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:09,160 I embrace uncertainty because I'm excited to see what's going to happen. 402 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,600 I want to know. 403 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,880 But I also have a contingency plan in case what I want to happen does not happen. 404 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,280 And that's probably part of my OCD. 405 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:20,160 There's also cognitive behavioral therapy, which I mentioned earlier, CBT. 406 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:26,240 It's basically a way to help you change your control-related thoughts and behaviors, basically, 407 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:27,480 to reduce anxiety. 408 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:34,440 So CBT is basically an effective teaching strategy to help you change the way you view 409 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,920 your control-related thoughts and behaviors in order to reduce the anxiety and improve 410 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,600 your overall mental health. 411 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,080 And that's something you would have to talk to a healthcare professional, someone who's 412 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,160 licensed and trained. 413 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,720 You could do CBT courses online. 414 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,720 I've seen them, but I don't know how effective they are. 415 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:52,800 I've put myself through it, but I've had a whole life of dealing with OCD, and I've done 416 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,560 a lot of research on OCD and anxiety disorder. 417 00:24:55,560 --> 00:25:01,600 So CBT wasn't that complicated for me to go through on my own, but it still does help 418 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,240 to have a professional help you with that. 419 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:08,280 And so on that note, let's talk about ways we can help you overcome your lack of perceived 420 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,280 control. 421 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:13,280 And when I say perceived control, you really don't have control over everything. 422 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,520 And I want to drive that into your mind. 423 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,000 Control is perceived. 424 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,760 We have this perception of control. 425 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,400 And if we were able to perceive that we have that control, we do better. 426 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,480 We feel better. 427 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,480 We're more motivated. 428 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,480 We're more engaged. 429 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,080 And that's where I want to get you to that point where you feel like you're in control, 430 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:30,960 that you have that perception of control. 431 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,600 So now that we've talked through, now that we've gone through understanding that this 432 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,480 desire to have control is really a perception. 433 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,360 We don't really have full control over every situation. 434 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,400 We just have this perceived control. 435 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,400 We just have this perception that we have control. 436 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,280 And as long as we keep that perception, we're fine. 437 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,400 I mean, we're well balanced. 438 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:51,400 We're not stressed. 439 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,840 We don't have anxiety. 440 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:57,800 We don't release cortisol and adrenaline into our body further impacting our health. 441 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,920 However, it's easier said than done, right? 442 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:04,400 I mean, I can simply say to you, you have control, but that doesn't mean you do. 443 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,520 And sometimes we have these mental disorders like OCD or anxiety disorder where we want 444 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,000 too much control and that doesn't help us either. 445 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:16,480 But having said that, these are some tips that could help you with the perception of 446 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,160 lack of control in your life. 447 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,440 This is not the final solution. 448 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:25,240 I would, if you have something like OCD or anxiety disorder, I would highly advocate 449 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:26,960 you get professional help with that. 450 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:32,720 However, if you don't, and you feel like you need a little extra boost to help you develop 451 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:38,400 some sort of resiliency towards this need for self control or this need to control situations, 452 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,920 then you might find that these tips can help you. 453 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,920 And for starters, this is something I advocate in goal setting, especially on my YouTube 454 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:45,920 channel. 455 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,400 Make small changes. 456 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,840 Basically change small habits. 457 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,480 Maybe you alter your morning routine. 458 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:56,480 If you find something that is beyond your ability to control the situation like you 459 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:59,520 can't get up on time, you might need to make an adjustment. 460 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,720 You might need to get to bed earlier. 461 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,120 You might need to change your schedule in the morning. 462 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,760 If you're going into work, maybe you can work something out where you can go in a little 463 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,200 later, but just make some small changes. 464 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,200 I mean, maybe you take a different route to work. 465 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,720 Maybe the route you take right now to work causes you an immense amount of anxiety because 466 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:15,960 you can't control the route. 467 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,080 You can't control what's going on on that route. 468 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,080 Look for another route. 469 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:20,200 Maybe there's a shorter route. 470 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,520 Maybe there's a route that's less traffic. 471 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:27,920 It might take you a few extra minutes, but in the long run, it'll help you control. 472 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:32,320 It'll help you create that perception of control over your drive to work. 473 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:38,800 And this may seem silly, but a lot of people get frustrated with lunchtime when they're 474 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:39,800 going out to a restaurant. 475 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,840 They want to be served quickly and they cannot control that. 476 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,360 You can't control it when you've got 100 people crammed into a restaurant that wants to eat 477 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:50,600 within 30 minutes and you've only got a few people helping out. 478 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,440 Maybe you want to try a different restaurant, try something different. 479 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,040 I mean, there are solutions. 480 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:59,360 You just have to be a little adaptable and willing to compromise a little bit to make 481 00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:03,200 these small adjustments in order to feel like you have that perception of control. 482 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,080 And you want to cultivate a yes attitude. 483 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,000 I mean, accept new invitations. 484 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:12,760 If someone invites you socially somewhere that you might normally turn down, why don't 485 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:17,040 you try a new experience, accept that invitation? 486 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:18,680 And why is this important? 487 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,040 Because if you get in a habit of always saying, no, you tend to feel like you don't have, 488 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,960 I mean, you have control of that situation, but put yourself into a situation where you 489 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:33,200 don't have 100% control, can open you up to new experiences and opened up your mind and 490 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,400 can change how you perceive your need to control the situation. 491 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,120 Because it's easy to say, no, I don't want to go anywhere. 492 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,480 I don't want to do anything. 493 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,360 It's a little tougher to get out of your comfort zone and do something a little different 494 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:46,640 that's going to change your perspective. 495 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,840 I mean, try new things. 496 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,720 If you if there's a hobby you've been wanting to try or you didn't even like, maybe you 497 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,680 want to try it, you know, try a new class, try a new event. 498 00:28:54,680 --> 00:29:00,040 Because seriously, folks, trying something new is a gateway to an unexpected joy. 499 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:06,400 It's a gateway to learning new opportunities, to meet new people, to changing your perspective. 500 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,080 And this is what we're trying to do. 501 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,880 Change your perspective a little so that it changes your need to perceive that you're 502 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,680 in control of certain situations when you're not. 503 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,400 Thus, and here's a big one, reduce overplanning. 504 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:18,400 We tend to cram. 505 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:19,720 Well, I don't shouldn't say everybody. 506 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,800 There are people who just don't do much period throughout the day. 507 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:28,600 But some of us like to cram more into the day than the day will allow us to get done. 508 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,440 If you reduce your overplanning, you create space in your calendar. 509 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,920 And what that does when you have space in your calendar, you're allowing a buffer for 510 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:42,640 unplanned circumstances, things in which you cannot normally control because you have too 511 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:46,000 much crammed into your schedule and you feel like you have no control over it. 512 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:51,560 If you plan less, and I mean, and I don't mean stop doing what you want to do to achieve 513 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:52,560 your goals. 514 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:55,960 What I'm saying is don't stack so much in a day. 515 00:29:55,960 --> 00:30:01,240 Give yourself some buffer time, maybe 30 minutes or so or an hour, even if you can start out 516 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,440 small with 15 minutes. 517 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:08,720 Give yourself some buffer time for some unexpected activities or occurrences. 518 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:13,600 This way you won't feel like you're out of control, like you can't control the situation. 519 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:17,920 In your mindset, you'll begin to adapt and say, Hey, I have time for this now, I can 520 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,200 control that. 521 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,680 So this is something that bugs me last minute plans. 522 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,040 I don't like last minute anything. 523 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:30,040 But you may want to learn to embrace that I've learned to adapt to that because in my family, 524 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:34,800 we do last minute things and it annoys me, but I've learned to adapt that and embrace 525 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,880 that and look at it from a different perspective rather than going, I don't want to do this. 526 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:38,880 I've got something else to do. 527 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,320 I go, you know what? 528 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,160 I'm going to do this because it's time I spend with my family and I don't get that time when 529 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:45,600 I'm doing other projects. 530 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:50,080 So I'm going to go ahead and embrace this unexpected outing that my wife wants to do, 531 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,640 for example, and stay focused on the present. 532 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:53,640 Don't worry about tomorrow. 533 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,600 First of all, don't worry about yesterday. 534 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:56,600 Yesterday's gone. 535 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:57,600 It's not coming back. 536 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:58,600 Let it go. 537 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,160 It's not coming back. 538 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,160 It's not coming back. 539 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:03,160 It's coming back. 540 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:04,160 It's coming back. 541 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:05,160 So don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow isn't here yet and we don't know what's going 542 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,160 to happen. 543 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,600 And like I said earlier, worrying is like paying a bill you don't even owe. 544 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:11,280 So engage in the present. 545 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,360 Practice mindfulness. 546 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:18,940 You know, engage is there's no shortage of courses online or books at the bookstore that 547 00:31:18,940 --> 00:31:24,000 talk about mindful techniques, meditation, focusing on your breathing, focusing on the 548 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,560 present and keeping your mind focused on the now, not tomorrow, not something that's 549 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:32,080 not, you shouldn't be worrying about and then stressing out about it because you don't have 550 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,800 control over it because of course you don't have control over it because it hasn't happened 551 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:35,800 yet. 552 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,240 And you know what? 553 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,280 Challenge fear of the unknown. 554 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:44,040 Growing up, I was afraid of almost everything and everyone. 555 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,240 I mean, the dark was my biggest fear. 556 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,960 How about the dark at night in the woods? 557 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,680 Would you go out and walk in the woods by yourself at night? 558 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,280 Well, I did. 559 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:59,600 I was kind of forced to by my dad, but I ended up hiking in the middle of the night down 560 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:03,120 a mountain by myself to find my way to camp. 561 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:07,480 I would sleep out in the rain along the coast while we're camping while my dad slept in 562 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,600 the camper. 563 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:10,680 I'm talking stuff like that. 564 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:15,800 I would, he would help me get out of my comfort zone to where I don't even have that fear 565 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:20,840 anymore and I don't have that need to have to control that environment around me because 566 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:28,280 I know what I'm dealing with, which takes on a whole different sense of accomplishment 567 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:33,520 and a whole different mindset of perceived self control or perceived control. 568 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:37,280 You don't have to start as harsh as I did, like walking into the woods at night or hiking 569 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,960 down a mountain or sleeping out in the rain, you know, just under a picnic bench while 570 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,560 your dad slept in the, slept in the camper. 571 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:50,600 I mean, start out small, do small things that will build up your encouragement to face your 572 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,480 challenges, to face your fears of the unknown. 573 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:58,440 I mean, take a trip somewhere, go to a different city, try a different restaurant, try a different 574 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:00,720 food you don't like at a different restaurant. 575 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:03,600 For me, food is, I don't like all kinds of food. 576 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,400 I'm a burgers and fries kind of guy. 577 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:11,040 So when I've been, when I've been placed in situations where I've had to have these fancy 578 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:16,000 food foods, boy, let me tell you, I had to suck it up buttercup and I just went with 579 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,720 it and dived right in. 580 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:18,720 Did I like it? 581 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:19,720 I can't say that I did. 582 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,800 But I got the fear over that need to control that situation. 583 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,920 I realized, okay, I'm here. 584 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,360 Let's try something different. 585 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:31,880 Let's not put that pressure on myself to have to try to control the situation and increase 586 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:33,720 my anxiety levels over it. 587 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:34,720 Yeah, sure. 588 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:35,720 There's a little bit of anxiety at first. 589 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:37,720 I was like, I don't want to eat this. 590 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:44,360 But in the end, it's not as much as it could be if I decided to flat out, deny it, refuse 591 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,720 it and try to control that situation. 592 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:47,960 I had no control over it. 593 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:49,280 I'm out with, I'm out with friends. 594 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,400 I could have left, but what would that have looked like? 595 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:54,640 So, you know, embrace it. 596 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:59,280 You know, connect with spontaneous people, spontaneous people annoy me. 597 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:04,680 But having said that, they're good for you at the same time because what they do is they 598 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:06,240 get you out of your comfort zone. 599 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:12,160 They teach you how to be more spontaneous, how to be more last minute, how to embrace, 600 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,040 you know, the challenges that you might be afraid of. 601 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,960 I mean, if you don't know any spontaneous people, you might want to, you might want to 602 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:23,240 try engaging in some groups that maybe do outdoor outdoor activities that do hiking 603 00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:27,600 or something that's spontaneous or that, you know, I don't know if there's a spontaneous 604 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:31,480 organization out there, you know, spontaneous America or something. 605 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,480 But if there is, that would be awesome. 606 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,160 You just go do activities at the last minute. 607 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,160 They call you up, hey, let's go do this. 608 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,160 You're like, no, I really can't. 609 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:38,480 I, you know, I got stuff to do. 610 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,160 The bottom line is, you know, engage in that kind of stuff. 611 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,160 And again, start low. 612 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,840 You don't have to start like full on 100% hardcore. 613 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:52,800 Oh, I'm going to fly, you know, go buy a ticket at the airport and randomly select a country 614 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,040 and then just go fly across the globe. 615 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:56,040 We're not talking about that. 616 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:57,240 Although that would be cool. 617 00:34:57,240 --> 00:35:03,040 And that would be the ultimate test of, of letting go of this, this need to have this 618 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,840 perceived control over our lives. 619 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:10,320 And finally, unplug from technology folks, especially social media. 620 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:14,160 It's good to set your phone down, your TV down, whatever it is you have in front of 621 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:22,160 you and just think, just go into yourself and think, you know, or not think, listen to 622 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:23,160 some music. 623 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:28,080 I mean, if you reduce social media time, that's probably one of the best things for you. 624 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,480 Because what it does is that decreases the urge to compare yourself to others. 625 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,240 Isn't that what we're always doing on social media? 626 00:35:35,240 --> 00:35:38,520 Comparing ourselves and then trying to control our situation because we're not like that. 627 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,120 We want to be like that. 628 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,120 Unplug yourself folks. 629 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,000 Get out of that mindset. 630 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:48,840 There is no script in life that mandates you have to be on social media. 631 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:52,280 That is a human curiosity need that we need to be on social media. 632 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:56,080 We got to see what so and so is doing and make some judgments or compare ourselves to 633 00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:59,160 them when that is not reality. 634 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:00,600 Take care of yourself. 635 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:01,600 Look out for you first. 636 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:06,040 Don't worry about what the Joneses are doing or little Timmy's doing or Samantha's doing 637 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:09,160 or whatever they call themselves on social media or what's going on on TikTok. 638 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:10,160 Who cares? 639 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,800 Because that's not you and that's not your life. 640 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:14,160 You can't control that. 641 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:17,040 What you can do is control the time you spend on social media. 642 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:18,200 And so you want to cut that back. 643 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,480 I would just completely cut technology unplug. 644 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:22,800 Here's something. 645 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,680 If you've never gone out camping or if you've never gone into the woods by yourself, why 646 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:30,040 don't you go run a cabin, get out of your comfort zone, go up there by yourself, sit 647 00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:36,680 outside on the porch or out front listening to the sounds of nature, no technology and 648 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:41,760 just getting out of your comfort zone and doing something completely different and try 649 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,600 not to control the situation. 650 00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:50,280 I promise you folks, if you do this, you will come out a lot stronger than you did than you 651 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:55,440 were when you went in because there's nothing more liberating than freeing yourself from 652 00:36:55,440 --> 00:37:01,960 that need to control everything around you, which is an illusion, right? 653 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:02,960 Because it's not real. 654 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,400 You're not controlling anything, but this perception that you have. 655 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,640 Okay, folks, this brings us to the very end of this podcast. 656 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:15,000 And if you've lasted this long, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for 657 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,760 coming out of your comfort zone and listening to me. 658 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,520 I really mean that. 659 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:22,760 That is an accomplishment in itself. 660 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,920 So give yourself a hand for that. 661 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,040 We talked about the illusion of control. 662 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:33,640 Basically the illusion that we actually have control over situations when it's mainly our 663 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,320 perception, we want to have this perceived sense of control. 664 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,400 And when we have this perceived sense of control, we feel better. 665 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:44,160 We're mentally more prepared to deal with things. 666 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:48,920 We feel confident, motivated, and we want to go out and conquer the world. 667 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:54,240 It's when we don't have this perceived control that we feel depressed, we get anxious, you 668 00:37:54,240 --> 00:37:59,440 know, and we just, it could lead into severe depression for some people. 669 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,480 When in reality, control itself is a perception. 670 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:03,480 It's not even real. 671 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:08,160 So I've given you tips on how to mitigate that, how to reduce that need to have the perceived 672 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,760 control or to have control at all to expand yourself, get yourself out of your comfort 673 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:19,860 zones and grow mentally, you know, grow yourself, become stronger mentally. 674 00:38:19,860 --> 00:38:23,680 So you can deal with moments where you don't feel like you have control. 675 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:27,560 You can just brush it off like, I've got this, this is not a big deal. 676 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:29,000 I've been through this. 677 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:35,480 So your challenge this week and every week is to go out there, do something different. 678 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:40,880 Try to alter a routine where you feel you need to have control over, try to alter that 679 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:41,880 routine. 680 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,760 If it's a, if it's one way to work, try a different way to work. 681 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:47,880 If it's, if it's food that you don't like to eat, try, try the food that you don't like 682 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:54,360 to eat, try altering that and seeing how that impacts your thinking, how that impacts your 683 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:56,200 overall mental health. 684 00:38:56,200 --> 00:39:01,440 I promise you, if you stick with that, you will overcome this need to feel like you're 685 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,920 in control all the time and it's okay to not be in control all the time. 686 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,920 And on that note, I appreciate you. 687 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:13,960 I appreciate your time and I appreciate all the effort you've got put into helping you 688 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,440 become a better you. 689 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:32,480 Thanks for listening.