1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,720 All right, nobody really cares. 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,840 If you think about it, I mean, 3 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,440 you're gonna get people to think that they care. 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,400 They're gonna be very good empathetic listeners 5 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,240 and they're gonna sit there 6 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:10,480 and they're gonna stare you in the eyes, 7 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:11,400 they're gonna nod their head, 8 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,440 they're gonna touch you on the shoulder 9 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,160 and they're gonna go, oh, it's gonna be okay. 10 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,840 But really, if you're a chronic complainer, 11 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,920 nobody cares. 12 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,520 I mean, people get feeling overwhelmed by negativity 13 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,560 when they hear complainers. 14 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,960 Even complainers are negative 15 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,560 and they don't even realize it. 16 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,720 So if you want to improve your relationships, 17 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,680 you wanna get that feeling of negativity, 18 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,840 that overwhelming negativity out of your system, 19 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,640 or you just want to enhance your wellbeing and mental health, 20 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,840 this episode's for you. 21 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,000 Welcome to Life Unscripted, 22 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,200 the podcast that just sucker punches you in the face 23 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,880 with the hard truth that life has no script 24 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,800 and everything you've been taught is an illusion. 25 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,080 I'm your host Alan Stafford. 26 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,480 Join me as we dive into one of my biggest pet peeves 27 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,560 and I guarantee yours too, 28 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,600 whether you're guilty or not, complaining. 29 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:15,600 I think you're gonna relate well to this story. 30 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,640 It's about old people 31 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,800 and I'm not even sure if that's a politically correct term 32 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,120 nowadays. 33 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,400 Do they have a pronoun? 34 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:28,400 I mean, the aged, the beautifully younger, older crowd, 35 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,640 I mean, I don't know, 36 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,960 but I just call them the elderly or the old people. 37 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,800 So they like to bitch, they like to nag. 38 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:36,960 I mean, if you don't know, 39 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,920 I mean, okay, I can't say that all of them do, 40 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,160 but you've seen them, they complain about everything. 41 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,680 I mean, they complain about the price of fuel. 42 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:45,840 Wait, I do that too. 43 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:46,880 Does that make me old? 44 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,320 They complain about food. 45 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,800 They complain about politics. 46 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,240 They complain about the kids, the sound, the birds, 47 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,120 the sky, the rain, whatever it is 48 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:59,120 that comes across their mind, they complain about it. 49 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,400 And you know who I'm talking about. 50 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,400 You could have, so it could be you yourself 51 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:07,240 that's an elderly or blissfully youthful old person. 52 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,360 So growing up, my grandmother, 53 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,760 my grandmother on my mom's side, 54 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:15,160 complained about everything and everyone. 55 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,200 Every other word was a complaint. 56 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,160 So that probably explains why my grandfather 57 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,440 was always so quiet sitting on the couch. 58 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,600 I mean, he feared he would end up on her list of complaints. 59 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,440 And you know what? 60 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,000 He did, because she would always complain. 61 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,400 He doesn't say anything. 62 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,720 So you can't win for losing 63 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,000 when you're dealing with a complainer. 64 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,760 And that's the point of my story. 65 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,000 Everybody complains. 66 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,040 Some people complain more. 67 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,560 They're chronic complainers and nobody wants to hear you. 68 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,520 They really don't. 69 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:44,760 But we're gonna talk about that. 70 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,720 We're also gonna talk about not all complaining is bad 71 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,960 if it's done constructively. 72 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:55,160 As a matter of fact, some statistics are out there 73 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,760 that the average person complains 15 to 30 times per day. 74 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,800 15 to 30 times per day. 75 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,880 Imagine that. 76 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,480 Can you imagine what a chronic complainer does? 77 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,560 Everything they say, I know a chronic complainer. 78 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,840 Seriously, I know one. 79 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,520 There's never anything positive out of this person's mouth. 80 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,240 It's always complaining, 81 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,040 whether it be the drivers on the road, 82 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,240 whether it be family members, whether it be work. 83 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,280 Work is the worst that they complain about. 84 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,720 But there's a complainer. 85 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,400 I know it's just like, but their entire life, 86 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,160 if you look at their life, if you look at them, 87 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,920 it's reflective of how they complain. 88 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:31,840 It's very negative. 89 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,640 It's very dismal. 90 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,160 It's sadness, you know? 91 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,040 And statistically, complaining for 30 minutes 92 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,040 could physically damage your brain. 93 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:42,880 No, it really could. 94 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:43,720 This is not a joke. 95 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,760 I mean, I know I joke a lot, but this is not a joke. 96 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:46,960 It can damage your brain. 97 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,280 What it does is it rewires your brain, neuroplasticity. 98 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,800 Rewires your brain when you're constantly 99 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,800 in that state of negativity, 100 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,240 and that's what complaining is. 101 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,040 There's nothing positive out of complaining. 102 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,400 And as a matter of fact, 103 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,000 when you're driving with someone, listen to them. 104 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:02,840 Don't say a word. 105 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,160 Just listen to whoever you're with. 106 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,560 If not even if you're driving, if you're at home, 107 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,920 or if you're at work, count how many times they complain. 108 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:09,760 You'll be overwhelmed. 109 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,080 You'll be surprised to see how many times 110 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,280 a person complains. 111 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,120 And it could be something as that's too hot, 112 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,520 which is pretty common. 113 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,400 Or it could be that's too cold, 114 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,320 or why is she wearing that? 115 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,960 Or look at his hair. 116 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,800 These are all complaints. 117 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,280 And when you're stuck in that rut constantly, 118 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,440 it rewires your brain. 119 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,720 I know we think we feel better by complaining, 120 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,760 but it's actually doing more damage to us. 121 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,840 Not only to the brain, but to our body. 122 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,600 Look, our brains don't wanna work harder 123 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,720 than it absolutely has to. 124 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,600 And we can tell by a lot of people out there 125 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,760 that they don't wanna work hard with their brains at all. 126 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,760 They're actually brains that probably 127 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,360 don't even work at, period. 128 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,960 Just take a look at politics. 129 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,000 But we're not gonna get into politics on this episode. 130 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,320 So by complaining, here's what happens. 131 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,800 And this is according to a 1996 Stanford study. 132 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,200 We've already talked about the 30 minutes 133 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,520 and the 30 times a day, 134 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:12,120 but 30 minutes or longer can physically damage the brain. 135 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,800 As I said, complaining can cause the hippocampus. 136 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,360 It's a part of the brain to shrink. 137 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,520 And that's the part of the brain 138 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,000 that's responsible for learning. 139 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,640 It's also responsible for emotions 140 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,520 and forming new memories. 141 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,000 Think about that, folks. 142 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,280 30 minutes or longer of constant complaining 143 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,400 can physically damage your brain. 144 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,120 It can rewire it. 145 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:35,960 I know some of you are thinking, 146 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,400 well, I don't feel drunk, 147 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,200 or I don't feel like I got brain damage. 148 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,880 Well, if you keep complaining, 149 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,480 that's a good sign that you are rewiring your brain. 150 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,640 And here's the kicker. 151 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,400 The more you complain, 152 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,240 can cause you to rewire your brain 153 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,280 to complain more in the future. 154 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,560 So let me say this another way. 155 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,040 If you're complaining constantly, 156 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,840 that complaining leads to more complaining in the future 157 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:05,160 because you're rewiring your brain to complain. 158 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,040 Sounds like the beginning of a rap song. 159 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,280 Rewire the brain to complain. 160 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,560 And here's another thing about complaining. 161 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:16,440 Complaining, as I complain about complaining, 162 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,280 complaining can also cause people 163 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,840 to become negativity addicts. 164 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:23,680 So you've heard of sugar addicts, drug addicts, alcoholics. 165 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,840 Well, I'm introducing you to the negativity addict. 166 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,640 And yes, there's such a thing, 167 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,760 which leads to basically black and white thinking. 168 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:31,600 And that's it. 169 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,440 There's no gray area. 170 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,280 There's no rational. 171 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,600 There's no critical thinking. 172 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,640 There's no looking at possibility. 173 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:38,960 It's one way or the other. 174 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,040 And I'm gonna tell you right now, 175 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,840 I know you know people like that. 176 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:42,680 They're in your family, 177 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,240 they're your friends or your coworkers. 178 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,600 They're the guy at the gas station 179 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,080 or at the line that's supermarket complaining 180 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,040 about something and it's black and white. 181 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,800 You've seen them, you've been exposed to them 182 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,440 and don't deny it. 183 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,960 We now understand, as I've been saying this, 184 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,720 that complaining rewires the brain 185 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,280 if you do it for 30 minutes or more. 186 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,120 I don't know. 187 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,240 I don't think there's a timer in your head that says, 188 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,640 oh, he's hit 30 minutes. 189 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,720 Now we're gonna start damaging his brain. 190 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,480 I think it's just a general rule. 191 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,240 Okay, so don't hold me to that 30 minutes. 192 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,320 And I'll say, no, I can complain for 29 minutes 193 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,440 and I'm gonna be fine the rest of the day. 194 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,520 No, that's not how it works. 195 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:18,280 And I'm sure some people's brains are affected more 196 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,360 quickly than not. 197 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,120 But here's something else that complaining does. 198 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,960 It doesn't just damage your brain. 199 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,960 It impacts your body, your health. 200 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,200 When we complain, the hormone cortisol 201 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,560 is released into our body. 202 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,840 This is also responsible for our fight or flight response. 203 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,960 When our fight or flight response is activated, 204 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,880 our brain redirects that blood, oxygen, and energy 205 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,080 away from our non-essential systems. 206 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,400 Repeated complaining results in cortisol 207 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,160 being released at higher levels. 208 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,760 And you know what that does to us? 209 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,440 That puts us at more risk of developing heart disease, 210 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:57,920 high cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, and strokes. 211 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,000 And no, I'm not saying every fat person out there 212 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,320 is a complainer, but then again, you never know. 213 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:06,400 They might be complainers, because they're obese. 214 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,040 But it does lead to more damaging health issues, 215 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,080 such as, like I said, high cholesterol, diabetes, 216 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,520 and stroke alongside of obesity. 217 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,880 One study published in the archives of General Psychiatry 218 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,440 found that on average, optimists tend to live longer 219 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,120 than pessimists. 220 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,440 Pessimists is somebody negative who always thinks 221 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,040 they're negative or talks negatively, just in case you 222 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:30,880 didn't know. 223 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,240 Optimists were found to have 55% lower risk of death 224 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,080 across all causes and were 23% less likely to die 225 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,120 of heart disease. 226 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,320 So look at folks, if you cut out red meat, if you eat 227 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,960 like a vegan and you don't complain, you're gonna live 228 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,800 forever. 229 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,520 Well, I don't know about that. 230 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,600 But if you're reduced in complaining, the chronic 231 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:54,600 complaining, then you can improve your health. 232 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,440 And we're gonna talk about good constructive 233 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,520 complaining too and how that makes social change 234 00:08:58,520 --> 00:08:59,760 or changes in the workplace. 235 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,440 So not all complaining is equal and not all complaining 236 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,860 is bad, just chronic complaining constantly. 237 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,560 So folks, I guess to sum up with this, to sum up 238 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,360 the studies here, basically it's kind of telling you 239 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,320 you're constant bitching is killing you. 240 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,000 And you thought fast food or red meat was gonna get you 241 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,160 at your damn thoughts, guys. 242 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,280 It's just your thoughts. 243 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,000 Stop thinking negatively and stop complaining too. 244 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:27,200 So another impact of complaining. 245 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,920 And I want you to take a moment, if you're a complainer, 246 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,640 I'm not gonna call you out, you're gonna know 247 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,120 that you're a complainer and some people who'll say, 248 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,560 I don't complain at all, but you do, okay? 249 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,880 But if you're a complainer, aside from the alleged 250 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,160 brain damage that constant chronic complaining does 251 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,320 and the health impact it can have on you over time, 252 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:51,840 complaining has another impact, which is not a direct 253 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:56,560 health impact, but it's a social and reputational impact. 254 00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:01,040 Constant complainers create social isolation. 255 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,800 Think about that for a second. 256 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,120 If you're not a complainer and you know a complainer, 257 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,160 how often are you gravitated towards that complainer? 258 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,160 You say, hey, I really want to hang out with you 259 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,160 because I love hearing you complain about stuff. 260 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:13,480 Now, don't get me wrong, there are some people 261 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,520 who love a good gossip, but in general, you don't want 262 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,080 to be around a complainer any more than a complainer. 263 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,080 Well, I wasn't going anywhere with that, 264 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,280 but you don't want to be around a complainer at all 265 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:31,280 because it's insanity, pure insanity. 266 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,360 So the question comes into play, 267 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,040 how do we transform our complaining 268 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,040 into something more positive? 269 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,960 All right, so as I mentioned earlier in the segment 270 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,920 or earlier in the podcast, that not all complaining is bad. 271 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,160 I mean, there's actually some good when it comes 272 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,600 about complaining like Steve Jobs, 273 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,440 he was the former CEO who passed away of Apple. 274 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,840 He complained, he was a perfectionist, 275 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:04,080 but his complaining about imperfect products in his mind 276 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:08,400 led to great innovations, led to the iPod, 277 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,840 led to the iPhone, led to the iPad. 278 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:16,040 So not all complaining is bad in that case. 279 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,160 Also, if you take a look at it, 280 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,720 it can bring about social change. 281 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:23,080 I mean, good constructive complaining like Greta Thunberg, 282 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:24,760 I think it's Thunberg, Greta Thunberg, 283 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,040 the young activist, environmental activist, 284 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,080 constantly complaining about humans' impact 285 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:35,880 on the environment, that brings about good social change. 286 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,880 It doesn't necessarily translate. 287 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:38,720 Now, some people are gonna think, 288 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,320 oh, she needs to stop complaining. 289 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,080 She's just a little kid, blah, blah, blah. 290 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,560 But the reality is, doesn't matter. 291 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,400 Any activist out there complaining, 292 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,480 if they're doing it constructively, brings about social change. 293 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,200 And even in the workplace, 294 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,920 if you take a look at the workplace, 295 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,760 employees who complain, for example, 296 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,800 they don't have a good lunch room. 297 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,000 Enough complaining will bring about a change 298 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:00,960 within the organization. 299 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,720 If the organization values their employees, 300 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:03,680 they'll create a lunch room, 301 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,880 or they'll create a policy to have free lunch once a month, 302 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,240 or whatever the case might be. 303 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,160 And I know you probably have been in that situation 304 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,960 where people at work have complained about something 305 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,000 and have made a change. 306 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,520 So all that complaining is fine. 307 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:16,720 That's good constructive complaining. 308 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,760 It's not chronic, it's not ongoing, 309 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,640 unless they're trying to make a change. 310 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,640 But the chronic complaining is the part 311 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,080 that's doing the damage to humanity itself, 312 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,840 to people itself. 313 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,360 So then we come up to the question, 314 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,800 the question about how do we transform our complaining? 315 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,360 I mean, can we stop cold turkey? 316 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,800 Is it like stop smoking, stop drinking, 317 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,640 stopping drugs? 318 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,000 I don't even think you can stop those cold turkey. 319 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,480 You gotta have some assistance, right? 320 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,680 So let's go through some of the steps 321 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:47,720 on how we can help you become less complaining. 322 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,760 And don't worry folks, if you're not the complainer, 323 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,040 I'm gonna give you some tips on how you can help people 324 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,000 who are complainers in your life. 325 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,680 That'll be coming up later on. 326 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,000 So first and foremost, first and foremost, 327 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,640 here's the thing, you have to recognize 328 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,600 that you're a complainer, self-awareness. 329 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,160 You have to, I mean, not everybody has self-awareness. 330 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,480 I guarantee you, go ask, 331 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,120 I bet you know somebody right now that if you said, 332 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,640 hey, you're a chronic complainer, 333 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,400 they're gonna go, oh, I'm not a chronic complainer, 334 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,480 you're the chronic complainer. 335 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,920 I don't complain at all, you're the one always complaining. 336 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,320 Yeah, so you're gonna come across people like that, 337 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,000 but here's the thing, if you're the complainer, 338 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,560 recognize that you're the complainer, 339 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,040 recognize that you have this problem, 340 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,880 you can read people's body language, 341 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,280 you can tell if they're interested, 342 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,480 and most of the time they're probably not. 343 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,040 You can tell if you're constantly complaining 344 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,680 because it's not positive coming out of your mouth. 345 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,600 You might think it's positive, but it's not. 346 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,560 So you wanna identify triggers. 347 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,040 Pay attention to the situation, 348 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,680 people are feeling that trigger your complaints. 349 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,760 What is it, is it work, is it road rage? 350 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,040 Look, I'm gonna be the first to tell ya. 351 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,360 Well, I might not be the first to tell ya, 352 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,520 there might be family members of mine 353 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:47,440 that be the first to tell ya, 354 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,480 but I had chronic road rage when I was younger, 355 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,400 chronic man, I would just like out of control. 356 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,360 Then I realized the impact it was having 357 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,800 on those in my vehicle, especially in my daughter. 358 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,560 So I began to slip away from that, change my thinking. 359 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,280 Now I'm at a point to where, yeah, 360 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,360 it's gonna slip out on occasion, but for the most part, 361 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,560 I don't even let it bother me anymore. 362 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,680 So I had enough self-awareness, 363 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,640 and I knew that the trigger was somebody doing something 364 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,560 dumb in front of me in a vehicle. 365 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:17,760 At least what I perceived to be dumb, 366 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,080 it may not have been dumb to them. 367 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,920 It may have been completely an innocent mistake, 368 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,840 but I took it differently, because of my mindset. 369 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,040 But I identified that trigger, 370 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,400 and I began to change that trigger, 371 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,800 so now it doesn't have an impact on me. 372 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,680 So the first thing is you wanna identify those triggers. 373 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,440 If it's something someone says at home, 374 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,280 or someone does at home, or at work, 375 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,880 begin to take note of that. 376 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,680 If you have to journal it, write it down. 377 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,600 There's nothing wrong with keeping a little journal, 378 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,240 putting a little caption, triggers. 379 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,120 Well, you might wanna preface it, 380 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,720 so if somebody doesn't pick up the book, 381 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,480 they think, oh, this is a hit list. 382 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,840 They got triggers on me. 383 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,640 No, you wanna identify your triggers, 384 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,480 and what's causing you to start that complaining process. 385 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,800 Could it be just a familiar face? 386 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:03,880 You might just see your loved one, 387 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,440 and I'm gonna go, oh, good, they're home. 388 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:06,960 I have someone to complain to. 389 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,120 Well, it's not good for them. 390 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,040 I'm telling you that right now. 391 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:09,960 They don't like it. 392 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,440 They're not gonna tell you that sometimes, 393 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,240 but they just don't like it, and they don't wanna hear it, 394 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,960 and it does have an impact on them as well as you. 395 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,080 So once you've identified the triggers, 396 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,120 reflect on the frequency. 397 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,320 We talked about having a journal. 398 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,640 If you keep a journal and you write your triggers 399 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,280 and you note it every time you do it, 400 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,640 chances are you're gonna see a pattern. 401 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,320 Maybe you complain in the morning. 402 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:32,400 Maybe you complain at night. 403 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,480 Maybe you complain day and night. 404 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:37,480 Maybe you complain when someone looks at you a certain way. 405 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,680 You're gonna find that frequency. 406 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,600 You're gonna find what's triggering you, 407 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,280 and then you can begin to make the change. 408 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,760 Again, this all goes back to self-awareness. 409 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,600 First, you have to recognize that you complain. 410 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,640 There's no point in doing anything 411 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,880 if you don't recognize it. 412 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,520 And this last one here, wait, not this last one. 413 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,400 And this one here is probably a big one. 414 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,120 Understand the impact. 415 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,960 Consider how your complaints affect your mood 416 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:04,920 and those around you, 417 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,000 and that's the one thing that made me change. 418 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,160 I'm a firm believer that if I have loved ones near me, 419 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,280 it's not my job to get them riled up. 420 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:15,640 It's my job to protect them, 421 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,720 not just physically, but emotionally as well. 422 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,040 And that to me is what love is. 423 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,680 You protect them emotionally. 424 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,080 By complaining, you're not doing that. 425 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,880 You're deteriorating. 426 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,040 You're chopping at a tree little by little 427 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,480 until that tree falls and then that's your relationship. 428 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,560 So what you don't wanna do is complain 429 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,600 in front of people that are your loved ones. 430 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,480 It's okay on occasion, if you're having a bad day, 431 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,080 I'm not saying completely knockout complaining. 432 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,760 I'm saying if you're a chronic complainer, 433 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,040 you're gonna need to tone that back, 434 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,040 taking into consideration those people around you. 435 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,360 Now, hey, if you're at a party 436 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,320 and you don't wanna talk to somebody, start complaining. 437 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,040 They'll probably leave. 438 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,360 That'll be a great way to get rid of them. 439 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,280 I may even have to try that one. 440 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,760 And here's the biggest thing about complainers. 441 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,720 Complainers are not solution seekers. 442 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,640 And so by going through this exercise with you 443 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,040 and by discussing complaining 444 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,320 and how to remove the complaining 445 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,720 or how to transform your complaining 446 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,280 into something more positive, 447 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,400 you wanna be a solution seeker. 448 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,640 Focus on what you can control. 449 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,240 Can you control the guy's expression 450 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,400 that triggers your complaining? 451 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,160 Can you control your boss? 452 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,440 Can you control the guy in the car in front of you 453 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,960 who made a right hand turn and wasn't even aware of you? 454 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,240 Cause they probably got something else going on in their life 455 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:34,080 and it triggered you. 456 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,160 You can't control any of that. 457 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,040 So first of all, what you wanna do is focus 458 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,720 on what you can control. 459 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,960 Instead of dwelling on the problem direct, 460 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,480 your energy towards what you can change or influence. 461 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,600 You can change your attitude. 462 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,120 You can change your attitude completely. 463 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,360 You're in total control of that, your attitude. 464 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,840 So start with that. 465 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,520 Rather than worrying about someone else's behavior, 466 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,320 put your behavior in check. 467 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,480 And taking this proactive stance can reduce the feelings 468 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,800 of helplessness and frustration within you. 469 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,320 Folks, it's all about you right now, 470 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,800 helping you overcome the complaining, 471 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,880 helping you improve your mental state, your health. 472 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,000 And of course, let's not get some brain, 473 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,720 let's not have brain damage with this. 474 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,800 Next, what you wanna do is adopt a solution oriented 475 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:21,000 mindset folks, train your mind to think of potential solutions 476 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,520 or, or I got tongue twisted. 477 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,720 I was so excited to get this information out to you. 478 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,600 Train your mind to think of potential solutions 479 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,560 or alternatives as soon as you recognize 480 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:32,880 the complaint forming in your mind. 481 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,920 It's like a cloud, a storm brewing. 482 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:35,960 You see the cloud starting to come. 483 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:36,800 What are you gonna do? 484 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:37,640 You're gonna run inside, you know, 485 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,880 you're gonna get your umbrella or get a jacket. 486 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,880 The same thing applies to complaining. 487 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,040 Begin to recognize. 488 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,320 And that's if you start journaling, journaling, 489 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,680 and identifying your triggers, 490 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,520 you'll begin to recognize when your complaint begins to form. 491 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,280 And then you start and go, oh, wait a second, 492 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,680 how can I solve this? 493 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,240 I'm telling you guys to complain a lot folks. 494 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,080 This is why it's one of my biggest pet peeves now. 495 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,120 And I learn to train my mind to say, 496 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,720 rather than complaining, how can I solve this? 497 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,840 What can I do that's in my control 498 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,680 that can take charge and solve the problem? 499 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,760 And if there's nothing I can do physically, 500 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,200 mentally, I can step back and go, I can't solve this, 501 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,520 but there's no point in complaining 502 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,760 because that's not gonna help. 503 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:20,960 That's not gonna do anything. 504 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,200 It's not even gonna make me feel better 505 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,280 because in the long run, it's gonna hurt my health. 506 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,880 So you gotta be in that same mindset. 507 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,240 And then you wanna involve others in problem solving. 508 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,400 So if the issue affects more than just you, 509 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,640 you engage others in brainstorming solutions, 510 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,000 and it's okay, here's the scenario. 511 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,720 You come in, you're complaining about your job, 512 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,120 and you realize, oh, I'm complaining about my job again, 513 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,600 or I'm complaining about my health again. 514 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:43,840 How can I solve this? 515 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,760 Well, I can't really change my boss. 516 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,200 I can have a conversation with my boss, 517 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,000 or I can find another job. 518 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,240 As far as health wise, you can say, 519 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,600 well, I'm overweight, what do I do? 520 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,600 I can get up and go to the gym. 521 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,760 Oh, I don't wanna get up and go to the gym. 522 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,560 Well, then that's not a solution. 523 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,720 Or you can say, I don't wanna eat, 524 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,080 you see the candy bar, reach for the candy bar, 525 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,360 you have a moment of weakness, 526 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:08,960 and stop and go, no, I don't wanna eat the candy bar, 527 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,080 grab a piece of fruit, grab a piece of vegetable. 528 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,800 You're not gonna like it at first if you don't eat it, 529 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,560 but it's an acquired taste, folks. 530 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:18,320 These are solutions to your problems, to your complaining. 531 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,040 And when you involve others in your problem solving, 532 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,280 when you're asking and seeking solutions with their help, 533 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,600 because you may not have the answers. 534 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,080 I don't expect you to have all the answers. 535 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,520 I mean, you may not know how to lose weight, 536 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,360 you may not know how to find another job. 537 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,440 This might be a job you've had for 20 years, 538 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,320 then it's okay to seek the advice of others 539 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,080 who've probably been there or know how to do these things. 540 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,240 It helps build bridges and also helps 541 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,760 with creative problem solving. 542 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,680 And it helps train you to see things a different way 543 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,360 from another person's perspective. 544 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:52,760 Alrighty, when we come back, 545 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,120 I'm gonna be talking about how you can express 546 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,840 your needs constructively, okay? 547 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,080 So we've come this far and we talked about, 548 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,720 rather than complaining, finding solutions, 549 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,960 but I'm gonna help you go to the next step 550 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,040 by how you can express yourself, 551 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,240 your need constructively, 552 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,120 without complaining when we come back. 553 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,120 Alright, welcome back. 554 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,640 I forgot where we were. 555 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,400 I'm just kidding, I know where I'm at. 556 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,160 So express your needs constructively. 557 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:23,240 So look it, we've talked about the damage complaining does 558 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,880 so far, we've talked about what you should do 559 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,600 or some strategies for you to employ 560 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,040 when you realize you're the complainer 561 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,400 and you wanna change, you wanna make that transformation 562 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,200 from complainer to solution seeker, okay? 563 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,360 Now, let's talk about how you can express yourself 564 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,480 in the process, because if you don't know 565 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,320 how to express yourself, you're still gonna complain 566 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,040 and you're not solving the problem. 567 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,640 I mean, you might complain once or twice, 568 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,680 but most people will keep complaining 569 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,560 and they're not solving the problem. 570 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,840 So part of that transformation is to solution seeker 571 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,600 from complainer is to better understand 572 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,760 how to express yourself. 573 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,360 So the first thing is, and I know you've heard this before, 574 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,400 use I statements, because when you use you statements, 575 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,960 you're becoming accusatory of someone else 576 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,560 and that's not gonna set well with them 577 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,680 and that's not even gonna lead to any sort of bridge building 578 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:13,720 or resolution, that's gonna lead 579 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,760 to probably another argument. 580 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,520 So as I said, use I statements, okay? 581 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:18,880 Let's communicate your feelings and needs 582 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,880 without blaming others, as we just mentioned. 583 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,120 So for example, you don't wanna say I feel frustrated when, 584 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:30,400 blah, blah, blah, instead of saying you always make me feel, 585 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,240 because again, remember what I said earlier, 586 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,720 that is a primer for an argument, 587 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,760 because what you do now is you're throwing that 588 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,280 onto the other person and they're gonna be defensive, 589 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,920 like, oh no, wait a second, that's not my problem, buddy. 590 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,080 You also wanna be specific and clear. 591 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,840 You wanna clearly articulate what is bothering you 592 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:50,720 and I know some people have a hard time 593 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,480 with expressing themselves, but you know, 594 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,120 you're gonna have to rise above it. 595 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,240 You're gonna have to rise above it 596 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,600 and just express yourself, because really, 597 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,680 if you do it in a very constructive, positive manner, 598 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,920 people are gonna be very receptive of that. 599 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,560 So what you wanna do is clearly articulate 600 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,600 what is bothering you and what change you'd like to see. 601 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,760 Don't be vague, don't be like kick and dust around 602 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,240 with your head down, well, you know, 603 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,440 kinda like, you know, being whimsical about it. 604 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:17,920 Just come out and say, look it, 605 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,760 I feel frustrated when you don't listen to me, 606 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,920 when I'm speaking to you about a matter 607 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,200 that I find important. 608 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:32,000 Most people will be receptive to that type of conversation. 609 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,960 If they're not, they're probably not the person 610 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,480 you wanna be dealing with. 611 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,320 They're not probably a very rational person, 612 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,240 even though we're not really rational beings, 613 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,760 but we've learned to become rational. 614 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,200 So if you're talking to someone 615 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,920 and they're not receptive to you, 616 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,160 if you approach them that way, 617 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,480 then there's probably another issue 618 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,880 and then you're still gonna have to dig deeper 619 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,560 to find that solution first before you come back to 620 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,120 what's bothering you. 621 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,760 But that's a whole different podcast. 622 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,920 And then you wanna choose the right time and place, folks. 623 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:00,760 Look it, if there's a problem and you're at a family dinner, 624 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,240 don't start up with your emotional, 625 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,680 don't have an amygdala hijack where you're amygdala, 626 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,080 the emotional part of your brain just hijacks you 627 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:12,960 and starts spewing hatred or all these complaints 628 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,600 and gripes about the person. 629 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,360 That's not the time or place. 630 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,440 It really isn't because what it does 631 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,560 is it brings everybody's mood down 632 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,600 in a time when people want to be uplifted. 633 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,800 So choose the right time and place 634 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,320 to address your concerns. 635 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:30,880 So this might have to wait. 636 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,440 So you might have to learn a little bit of patience. 637 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,960 So let's say, let's go to a scenario. 638 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,280 Let's say you're at a dinner party 639 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:37,800 with your family and friends 640 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:41,120 and all of a sudden, Aunt Betty is there, 641 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:41,960 Aunt Betty is everywhere, 642 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,560 but Aunt Betty is at this party 643 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,160 and Aunt Betty says something that triggers you 644 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,600 and then you're gonna start complaining about it. 645 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,280 Because maybe she does something and you don't like it, 646 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:52,880 so you start complaining. 647 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,280 And then you want to address her. 648 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,000 Well, that's not the place to address her 649 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,280 right there in front of everybody 650 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,920 because what you're gonna do is you're gonna incite her 651 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,360 to continue to argue and complain to you 652 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,520 and then the complaining is gonna go back and forth. 653 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,160 So what you want to do, you could ask her nicely 654 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,680 if you can come to another room 655 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,760 where we can have a private conversation, 656 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:11,880 if you want to address it there 657 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,040 or you can address it after the party, 658 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,280 whatever you feel comfortable with 659 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,800 but at least find the right time to do it. 660 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,160 Don't say, hey, Aunt Betty, you're eating your dinner 661 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,040 right now, let's get your butt up 662 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,200 and let's go upstairs and talk about this 663 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,680 because that's not what I'm talking about 664 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,000 for the right time and place, okay? 665 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,560 So you see folks, there's solutions to complaining 666 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,560 and they're very practical solutions 667 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,400 and it takes time. 668 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,520 It's not gonna happen overnight. 669 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:34,880 I promise you it's not gonna happen overnight. 670 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,400 It didn't happen overnight for me. 671 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,760 It took me quite a while, we'll say months. 672 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:40,800 You know, sometimes even years 673 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,240 depending on what I complained about 674 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,960 but really in the end, it does transform your life 675 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,160 if you are proactive and cognizant 676 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,800 and have that self-awareness 677 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,400 which all that meant the same thing. 678 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,760 You understand that? 679 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,560 I hope you do and I think you do 680 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,400 because if you didn't, 681 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,560 you wouldn't be listening this far into my podcast. 682 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,720 When we come back, we're gonna turn the tables. 683 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,440 We're gonna assume that you are not the chronic complainer 684 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,960 but that somebody else in your life 685 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,440 is the chronic complainer and you wanna help them. 686 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,680 You're coming from a place of love and compassion 687 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,720 and you wanna help them to better themselves 688 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,360 to save their brain from being damaged 689 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,960 to help their health and just make them a 690 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,960 general well-rounded positive person. 691 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,800 We'll talk about that when we come back. 692 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:31,960 Okay, we're back and the topic for this segment is 693 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,280 if you're not the complainer, 694 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,280 how do you encourage others not to complain? 695 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,280 Well, my solution is run fast, get out of there. 696 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:39,880 No, you don't wanna do that. 697 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,200 Although sometimes I do, I just wanna get out of there. 698 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,480 I don't wanna hear you complain. 699 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,880 I'm now at a point where I don't wanna hear people complain. 700 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,040 I just don't wanna hear it. 701 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,080 I don't care, you know? 702 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,440 I don't care about your choice of politics. 703 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,960 I don't care what so-and-so is doing to the country 704 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,480 because I can't make a change. 705 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,240 All I can do is control myself 706 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,440 and while I try to help people not complain 707 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,560 by helping them understand that there's a lot more 708 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:04,480 to the story than they're telling 709 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,360 and that leads them to complain, 710 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,440 they just goes in one ear and out the other ear. 711 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,000 But we're gonna talk about how you 712 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,480 can help people who complain. 713 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:14,960 If it works, great. 714 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,080 If it doesn't, then it's probably time to move on 715 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,360 and not have a conversation with them. 716 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,480 So the first thing, and you've probably heard this before, 717 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,280 and it's lead by example, folks. 718 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,760 If you want someone to behave in a certain way, 719 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,920 model that behavior for them. 720 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,640 You know, actively show how focusing on positive aspects 721 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,640 of situations can actually lead 722 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,560 to better outcomes and feelings. 723 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,480 I mean, if you're doing the positive stuff, 724 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,320 if you're talking positively, 725 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,440 one or two things are gonna happen. 726 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,800 Either they're gonna just shut up and not say anything 727 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,320 or they're going to gradually become more positive. 728 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:50,400 I guess the third thing could happen, 729 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,640 they could just say screw you and take off. 730 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:53,480 I don't wanna talk to you, 731 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:54,880 he doesn't listen to my complaints. 732 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,160 I mean, that is a possibility and people have done that, 733 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,800 but you know, those aren't the people 734 00:27:58,800 --> 00:27:59,920 that you can spend your time with. 735 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,040 Those are the people you don't wanna waste your time with 736 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,880 as far as trying to help because, you know, 737 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,520 they don't have that self-awareness. 738 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,080 They'd rather just complain than anything else. 739 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:10,880 And again, we're gonna go back to the beginning 740 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,040 when we talked about brain damage. 741 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,960 Complaining begets complaining, 742 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:14,920 meaning if you complain, 743 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,880 you're gonna continue to rewire your brain 744 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:19,840 for more negativity leading to more complaining. 745 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,480 Okay, so it's like a vicious cycle 746 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:23,520 that you're stuck in the sloop 747 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:24,600 that you're gonna have to, 748 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:25,760 it's like riding a bicycle 749 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,600 and all of a sudden someone just throws like a wrench 750 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,920 or a screwdriver into the spokes 751 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,160 and the bike comes to a complete halt. 752 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,480 Yeah, that's the sound of my brakes hitting 753 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,000 on the pavement with a bike. 754 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,840 But the bottom line is you're gonna have to break that cycle. 755 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,320 Someone is either the person complaining 756 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,400 or the person not complaining 757 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,040 that's listening to the complainer. 758 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,760 So demonstrate positivity. 759 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,120 I mean, your behavior can serve as a powerful example 760 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,440 for everybody around you. 761 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:50,760 I mean, it can. 762 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:51,640 Just watch someone. 763 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,000 Watch someone's positive behavior. 764 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,680 Does it make you wanna render them and complain? 765 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,760 If it does, then we got a big problem. 766 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,240 But no, usually when you see someone who's positive, 767 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:02,520 you wanna gravitate towards them. 768 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:03,520 You wanna be like them. 769 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,560 You wanna be around them. 770 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,120 So for example, if someone starts complaining to you, 771 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:08,960 share a solution. 772 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,800 Don't jump into it. 773 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,120 Like if they go, oh, well, you know, 774 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,280 Betty's always coughing on my food, you know, 775 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,880 and I really can't stand her. 776 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,560 She's just disgusting. 777 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,800 Then you simply might wanna offer a solution 778 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,200 and one solution might be, 779 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,000 hey, have you had a conversation with her? 780 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,720 Have you tried not sitting next to her 781 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,640 while she eats her food and coughs all over yours? 782 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,920 I mean, these are simple solutions, right? 783 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,200 And like, oh, I didn't try that. 784 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:36,480 But the bottom line is, 785 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,880 the bottom line is, you know, find a solution. 786 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,560 You know, share a solution with somebody 787 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,160 that's complaining a lot. 788 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:44,480 It might mean that you're gonna have to do 789 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:45,520 a little thinking yourself. 790 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,760 And I know some people don't wanna think. 791 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:48,600 And here's a big one. 792 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,480 And it's not easy for everybody, 793 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,080 but reflect on your responses. 794 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,360 What you wanna do is be mindful 795 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:54,840 of how you react to others' complaints. 796 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:57,320 You know, offer sympathy or empathy. 797 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,240 Empathy is how we, not sympathy, 798 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,400 but sympathy is we understand how you feel. 799 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:02,720 Empathy is we feel how you feel. 800 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,760 We know, offer empathy and support, you know. 801 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,480 But also try to gently guide them toward conversations 802 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:13,160 that are potential solutions and have positive aspects. 803 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:16,920 Don't, again, participate in the solutions 804 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:18,360 or the complaint course. 805 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:21,320 All right, and finally, reflect on your responses. 806 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:22,240 So when you're talking to someone, 807 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:25,480 be mindful of how you react to their complaints. 808 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:26,320 You know, what you wanna do, 809 00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:30,000 you don't wanna be brash or angry about it 810 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,240 or complain back. 811 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:33,920 You offer some empathy and support, 812 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,560 but also gently guide the conversation 813 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,360 towards a potential solution, okay? 814 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:39,960 Maybe towards some positive aspects. 815 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,520 You always wanna keep moving that person 816 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:47,040 towards positivity and not back into the depths 817 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:51,240 and darkness of negativity as they are ready or there. 818 00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,160 Look, wrapping this whole thing up, 819 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,280 if you're the complainer, self-awareness 820 00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,720 is gonna go a long way. 821 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:00,680 Learn to recognize when you're complaining 822 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,160 and when other people are dissatisfied 823 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,480 or uncomfortable with you complaining. 824 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:07,680 Begin to seek solutions. 825 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,360 Look for solutions, not the problem. 826 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:10,280 Don't become the problem, 827 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,400 become the solution seeker in that case. 828 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,320 And if you're not the complainer 829 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,400 and you're dealing with complainers, 830 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,520 be empathetic, but help guide them 831 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,360 towards a more positive environment, 832 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,160 more positive thinking. 833 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,920 Cause in the end, I think we can bridge the gap 834 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:28,120 between complainers and those who are being complained to 835 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,120 and create a very positive environment. 836 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:31,080 And then again, there are people 837 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:32,640 who just don't wanna stop complaining 838 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,880 cause they enjoy it, it's a release for them. 839 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,920 And I don't know how you're gonna change them 840 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,280 other than probably distance yourself 841 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,760 from those kinds of people, cause they don't wanna change. 842 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:42,760 And when you don't wanna change, 843 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,440 you can't make somebody change. 844 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:46,640 Hey, I wanna thank you. 845 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:47,760 If you've stuck this far with me, 846 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,200 this is my very first podcast. 847 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:50,160 I really appreciate it. 848 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:51,200 I really, really do. 849 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,440 Thanks for listening. 850 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,520 As I do these, they'll get better and better and better. 851 00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:55,640 I promise you, and you'll see a lot more 852 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:56,840 of my personality pop out. 853 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,120 So again, I appreciate you. 854 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:23,120 My name's Alan Stafford and this is Life Unfiltered.