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айтесь Lawalter hospital it
And that's where the suffering begins.
Amas or controlas?
That's the question we're going to ask today.
I'll do it today, and I'll do it for everyone.
And we have three wonderful experts who are going to talk about this.
I'll tell you who the experts are in a moment.
But what do I mean by amas or controlas?
A lot of people will be watching or listening to us here on Telefórmula, Radio Fórmula,
and they'll say, amas or controlas?
Isn't it the same?
Isn't it when I'm dating or I marry someone and I don't have a partner?
Isn't it normal to control?
Because it's mine or it's mine.
That's what they say to me.
I'm yours, I'm yours.
So obviously if it's mine or mine, I'm going to control it.
And who hasn't heard the friend or cousin or friend who says,
oh, I have a beautiful partner, he loves me so much,
he takes care of me, he goes for me, he lets me,
he cares about me, he asks me where I was, with whom I was,
at what time I was, he checks my cell phone to see if I have some messages
and I need to answer.
He advises me to stop following him on Instagram or Facebook.
What's more, he tells me when I have someone who shouldn't be my friend or friend
because friendships between men and women don't exist.
What a beautiful partner I have.
Is that love or control?
Even the songs say it and we've normalized it.
One of the songs I liked the most when I was little was this song,
do you remember the group The Police?
That song that was called Every Breath You Take?
Let's remember it.
There it is.
Super success.
Beautiful song, right?
Let's remember in Spanish what the song said.
It says, you don't see that you belong to me,
how my poor heart hurts with every step you take,
every move you make and every promise you break,
every smile you make, I'll be watching you.
I'll be watching you.
It says, can you see that you belong to me?
Don't you see that you belong to me?
The music is beautiful.
But the lyrics are a bit toxic, right?
I mean, today we're going to ask our experts.
Claudia Lobatón, psychologist, graduate of the University of Valle Campos,
specializing in sexology and education at the Mexican Institute of Sexology,
to tell us if love and control are the same thing or is it a distortion.
We're also on the long list because we're joining the conversation.
Adriana Renkin, writer and conferencing, has wonderful books.
What's the name of the book that I like the most?
Companions of Life or Zelda.
There are some great ones, we're going to give away some books.
And also from Mazatlán, Sinaloa, our dear Eugenia Flo,
will be with us, she's a sexologist, graduate of the Institute of Sexology in Madrid, Spain,
and she's going to tell us how through sex,
from the cuchicuchi or sex, sometimes the couple is controlled.
I want you or I won't give you or even when you make decisions to have children.
It's not that strong, there's going to be a very, very interesting conversation.
So I think it's good for you to stay with us on Telefórmula, Radiofórmula,
we're live on Grupo Fórmula, the YouTube channel, and also on Radiofórmula.mx,
there you can follow us. Stay with us.
I think the conversation will be excellent.
We'll be back after a little break.
Here in Marco Antonio Regilio Fórmula.
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Let's build healthy relationships.
Let's learn about a healthy love in all its extension.
Reach your maximum potential.
Marco Antonio Regilio Fórmula.
Amas or controlas.
Here's the applause from the audience.
Amas or controlas.
There are several who go in the car driving and go,
uh, amo or controlo.
Remember another little roll?
Today we're going to be remembering some little rolls
that have made us normalize this thing that loving is possessing.
To show off, a button.
Paulina Rubio.
It goes like this.
Mio.
That man is mine.
He's my mayonnaise bottle.
Exactly.
Even if it's half, he says, but mine.
And it's the worst thing, he knows it wasn't his all.
But he says it was his anyway.
Of course, the feeling and suffering of possession, right?
Of possession.
Hey, here's this beautiful woman
who is Claudia Lobatón, psychologist, graduate of the level.
A round of applause for Claudia Lobatón.
Oh, okay.
Graduate psychologist from the University of the Valle Campus Querétaro,
specialized in education sexology
by the Mexican Institute of Sexology
and personal therapist of Jordi Rosado.
Ah.
And clinical sexologist.
And sexologist, also of Jordi?
No.
Ah, yeah.
No, but that's why you have a life.
You can't reveal your passions.
But it would be a good, a good testimony,
because Jordi is a very healthy, very intelligent, very conscious man.
I mean, what I've talked to him about, right?
Well, hey,
we started the conversation yesterday.
Every, every day before,
on my Instagram, in the stories,
if you go to Marc Antonio Regil,
we put the question of the next day.
And here, checking my Instagram, it says,
in the confessional that they confess to us today,
it says, when you're in a relationship,
you check your partner's cell phone,
which would be obvious to want to control,
the 18% says,
yes, obviously.
No, the 18% says yes,
the 82% says no, how do you think?
If you want to vote on my Instagram,
go to Marc Antonio Regil, or you can go to
marcantoniorregil.com, diagonal formula,
and there it's also open the confessional.
20% of the people
think yes, obviously,
I check my partner's cell phone. Claudia,
to love is to control?
Of course not.
Although many times, because of the education
we have, they teach us
that it's the only way to express
how they don't really teach us
to love.
I think there's a very good book
that talks about liquid love.
Liquid love.
Liquid love, which is like all this
situation that there is currently
in the networks and in relationships
where many times we have an immature love
and where many times we hope
that our partner
fills our needs,
and then we start to have
the whole list of expectations
of what my ideal partner should have.
And although it's good
to go looking for it,
to control it,
or to wait for the person
to be the way I want them to be,
love is nothing.
Love is just the opposite,
because love doesn't generate pain,
love doesn't generate a feeling
of anguish,
but rather it's a feeling
of personal growth, it's a feeling
of well-being, of joy.
It has nothing to do with it,
but they teach us that it's something
that we have to take care of so much
that it suddenly generates insecurities,
that suddenly I don't feel
like I'm good enough
to receive love.
In fact, many times
we talk about these childhood wounds
that control also
goes a lot through
the medium-unleashed environment,
or the medium-unleashed environment.
So, yes, no,
it's not the same.
I've been to many places, but it's not the same.
Love is not controlling.
Even though there are thousands of songs,
from Vicente Fernandez to Bad Bunny,
to whoever,
that tell you, you're mine,
or you're mine, and nobody else's,
and even murder has happened,
even in dramas, in operas,
there are dramas
that are, I'm going to kill you
and your lover, you and the other,
you and your new partner.
If you're not mine, you're nobody's.
Yes, that possession, as if we were one thing.
That is born, that instinct,
as a psychologist, that natural,
territorial instinct, because even my dog
has jealousy,
I take it away, and where are you going?
So, are we born with that
or do we learn it?
Well, it has a lot to do with the types of attachment.
People, it has been proven that
jealous people have to see
because they have an anxious attachment
or they learn that suddenly
their needs were not satisfied
in a time where, for example,
the baby is crying,
and suddenly they may come in a short time
to give him the baby,
or it may be that it takes time.
So, the type of attachment we have
is making it so easy for us to get closer,
or how much anxiety
it generates in our intimacy,
or how much anxiety
our environment generates in itself.
So, a lot of insecurities
and a lot of control comes,
or rather, a lot of control comes
from insecurities,
and all people have insecurities.
What happens is that
sometimes there is a feeling
of, I want others to change
instead of me changing.
And the feeling of love,
or this romantic love,
which is the one that tends to
become toxic,
and tends to become violent.
Because if I am waiting
for things to be the way I want them to be,
I will probably have
a low tolerance for frustration.
And so, if I get frustrated a little,
or rather, if I get frustrated quickly,
I will probably not learn
to handle my emotions.
There are those who control themselves
inwardly, and there are those who try to control
themselves inwardly.
The conflict with couples,
or when we have controlling traits,
is that for our partner
we become insufferable.
Because there are high expectations,
because there is a constant demand
of, you didn't do it well,
a feeling of insufficiency,
a feeling of
little expression.
So, no, definitely
it is not bad.
But they educate us
that we have to focus inwardly.
If you are suffering, I suffered it,
I went through it, I have always said it,
I got to my 17, 19, 23 years old,
I was very toxic.
Because I was very jealous,
because that was the relationship I had with my mom,
my mom was very jealous and very possessive of me,
because I also had her and possessed her.
Obviously, when I started dating,
poor girls, I was very jealous and possessive.
And I was looking for the jealous and possessive,
because they were the ones who gave me
a chance to be jealous and possessive.
Of course, without realizing it, I was not conscious,
now I see it.
Imagine if you had followed that line of control.
You would probably have
reached the point of touching
tints of violent relationships.
Or having violent actions.
Because the attempt to control,
the difference between
a control that goes
more towards anxiety and that goes more
towards fear, and that only stays there,
is that I only want to control
out of anxiety, but suddenly
it becomes abusive.
When you start to put situations
of power.
Verbal or physically?
Exactly, it can be verbal,
physical, economic,
there are different variants.
Of course, verbal, if I had it like that
couple that is arguing on the screen
that we have behind, well, that's how I would start my discussions
with the girlfriends. They would yell at me,
because my mom yelled at me,
I yelled at her, and then at work,
they would yell at me, and that control,
control, I want everything to be...
That doesn't have to do with the relationship
of a couple, those desires to control
have to do with everything in our lives.
Exactly, we want to control everything
out of fear, to feel vulnerable,
because the environment
we feel is not safe.
A lot comes from there.
If you come from an environment where
everything was a mess, where there was no
or good, parents that were
extremely controlling,
and that always made you feel that there was
no way to do things,
you become inflexible.
And if it's not how I want it, then I impose
to yell, as if I was defending
my life. Exactly.
And what happens with couples?
Suddenly, this culture begins to be generated
where the couple
has to please, or
has to please
the person
who is controlling.
That is, they start to see
these behavior patterns where
they are not going to say
this because
it's very critical,
because criticism is also a form of control
and a form of manipulation.
To make you
do what I want you to do.
And not because you interest me,
but because I think
that's what's right. And I'm protecting myself.
And I'm protecting myself. When I control you,
I want to predict the future in some way.
Exactly. To be less vulnerable.
Exactly. And if you realize, they are people,
today we all have a part
that is a great part of anxiety.
Okay.
And if you don't control your anxiety,
you are in danger of being a person
potentially violent.
Of course. Well, let's take a little pause
and we've already seen the consequences.
To love is not to control.
They are two different things.
We've already seen why we want to control.
We've already seen that the consequences
are not pleasant. Today we'll talk about solutions.
Claudia, the button stays with us.
And in the next segment we'll join the conversation
with Adriana Rehnkin, writer and conference speaker,
author of the book,
life partner or cellmate.
That's strong.
No, it's great.
Yes, very good.
Stay with us to continue talking about the topic.
Because today we'll talk about solutions.
Don't tell me, you just told me the problem,
now how do I solve it? Today we'll talk about solutions.
We'll be back after a break.
I'm Marco Antonio Regil in Fórmula.
Follow the conversation with
Marco Antonio Regil in Fórmula.
And remember that if you're watching
or listening to the program and you can't see it
or listen completely, Radio Fórmula,
Grupo Fórmula, in their YouTube channel where we're live,
also there every night
the morning episode is put up.
So there you can see all the programs
that we've had since we started.
And it's also on Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, in all of them, like a podcast,
look for Marco Antonio Regil in Fórmula
and there we are, so there's no excuse
that I didn't listen to it completely.
So, the voting in Marco Antonio Regil.com,
Diagonal Fórmula, where we have
the confessional open as well,
the voting is the same. When you're in a relationship,
you check your partner's cell phone,
80% says no,
20% says yes.
That's what they say.
That's what they say because
we've normalized it a lot.
We've put the song
of The Police,
we've put the song of Paulina Ruyo,
we've put the song of the prince
of the song, José José,
who told us many times, this, listen.
Listen.
Wow, it's a betrayal
to turn to someone.
Amas o controlas is the topic of today,
our psychologist is with us,
and Adriana Renkin,
writer and conference writer,
author of this book,
which looks great, welcome.
Adriana, what's the name of your book?
Companeros de vida o celda.
And then down here, what does it say?
How I learned to love without controlling.
You can learn to love without controlling.
It's the only way,
because what they teach us is to control.
I mean, you learn
since you were born.
And in that love, you know,
family and everything, you didn't feel
control.
We learn, so what do we have to do?
Unlearn and learn to love
without controlling.
But we don't have to do it,
people do it,
that really got here,
they're fed up with suffering.
Why did you write the book?
Were you in a toxic relationship
in a toxic relationship?
No, zero. I've had very few
relationships and all of them have been
zero toxic. But at some point
you lived the pain. Sure.
If you hadn't written the book. This book
I base it on my last
stable relationship, let's say,
which is 31 years old.
With my husband, we're
married by the civil,
he's my companion in life,
and we
consciously decided
before we got married,
to be companions in life and not in cell.
He was like
you asking, and how is that?
I like the proposal.
He said, don't tell me you want
a permit?
You don't want to be a swinger or a polyamorous?
Something like that. Neither he nor I are
swingers. Obviously we recognize
our polyamorous capacity,
but we don't have a polyamorous
relationship,
which is different. And they decide to be monogamous.
If you go to my house or all my
friends, they've never seen
Mike's links,
mine, no one knows.
But between Mike and me, we knew
that if we wanted to
form a family,
to base it on
the sexual part would be
very weak, very fragile
foundations, and we see it
all the time. If you're not
mine, if it's not what I want,
this is over.
And the little ones
are left flying.
Look, Marcos, what I learned
I learned it when I was 21
with my first love, and
I learned it because I was a
control woman. But my
daughter too, and she painted
my horn.
And that's when I learned
and decided to learn
to love without controlling, because I didn't want
to lose her. Because I didn't want to suffer
too, I understand.
Look, you suffer because you suffer.
In infidelity
you suffer a lot.
But when we broke up
and everything, I said, if she insists
that she loves me, and that the rest
was just
a... it had been a
sexual attraction. Because I don't
want to believe the person I love.
That was my thought.
Yes, that's what you say is very important, because
one, at an unconscious level,
because you have to be unconscious
to want to control, obviously,
you don't know what you're doing,
you try to control
to protect yourself, to not suffer.
But that's when you end up suffering more, as you said, Claudia.
Yes, because
I've seen it, the people who
are in this
feeling of
betrayal, both on one side and
on the other...
The microphone fell off.
On both sides
there's a feeling of suffering, because
as you told me,
behind the scenes, there's no
freedom. And so
if there's no freedom, there's no
feeling of complete acceptance.
You can't have a love
relationship. I always say
that if you're not free, it's not love.
How does a healthy
relationship look? Let's talk about
solutions. How can we describe a
non-controlling relationship, but full of love
without control?
You have to decide. To love is
a decision that is made consciously
when you've already
matured all your...
You have to mature
many things, but you also
question your romantic
certainties, which are usually
hyper-violent,
like these songs we're singing.
That song is sung by Jose Jose
but it's violent,
what he's saying. When you go with me, you don't look
at anyone. You're ignoring
the one who loves you. Since he loves you, you can't see anyone.
How ungrateful. That's violence.
For me, yes. With beautiful music.
Totally. If you take away the
part of, because I love you,
it sounds like someone is calling him
kidnapped. But then
look, what happens
these images that you see behind
and everything, it's very obvious
the violence. Not here, and that's
the problem. We use
the term, I love you,
to rape you.
I try to convince you
that I'm calling you, and
within telling you, my
behavior is,
do what I want.
You need to help me
to feel good.
That's impossible.
It's impossible, but
we want to believe that
it's possible, because they haven't
sold us like that, in this
romantic, idealistic
love, this
very magical love, which
is not possible.
Very immature.
It's that between the novels,
the old Disney movies, because they're changing,
I know what to say, and the music,
and the example we saw
of sometimes, sometimes,
of our parents or grandparents, where it was
normal, it's normal that you think
it's normal to control. Totally.
If you don't love me, you don't love me. Exactly.
I think it's like
talking about solutions,
love has a lot to do with,
in my opinion, with taking responsibility
for what you're giving.
And not demanding,
because often part of the control
comes from this lawsuit or from this
manipulation of blaming you.
Like, I brought you a coffee,
so how come you don't
invite me to eat? You owe me.
You owe me. And then it becomes
exactly a trick. When you
don't take responsibility for what you want to give
because you want to give it and because
it nourishes you, we're not
talking about love. And often
we don't know how to
love other people because we don't
know how to love ourselves.
And in gifts, the control begins.
I give you flowers. In the traditional
system, right? Exactly. I like it.
Of course, today I'm going to send you flowers, chocolate,
serenade, I take you to dinner at a super
restaurant. I conquer it. I conquer it.
You owe me. Exactly. That's not love.
That's not love because you're generating
a debt concept. Of course.
And in love, it has to
be from you, from the joy of
making me feel good.
I'm happy. There's a concept.
But here comes freedom 100%.
So imagine, because
what we're talking about here is being very
like that, right? But what happens when
you're going to want to
commit yourself to someone,
whether it's to start having a
relationship, I like to
call it loving, where
to be loving you have to
do everything possible to take
control. What are you
willing to
commit to the person
you want to build something with
based on freedom?
Based on freedom. No?
If there's no freedom,
then somehow there's a subject
and then you obey me or I obey you.
There's a cell. There's a cell.
Because the jail is where we would have to obey
and belong to. The most
curious thing about that cell is that we,
the two involved,
we're building
the bars without
realizing it. And we're left
inside the cell of
fear. And the prisoner
suffers and the jailer suffers.
Both suffer. Both are
in jail.
Not only the one who's locked up in the cell.
And we have two very clear
needs.
Hold on a second because we're going to go to a cut.
But right now I don't want to cut you,
I want you to expand on the subject. When we
come back, we're going to add to the conversation
Eugenia Flo, from
the beautiful Mazatlán, Sinaloa,
the Salada foot, sexologist,
that's what the Mazatlán people say.
And they say it with affection.
They're Salada feet. I have many Mazatlán friends.
They're Salada feet. I love the tone
of the people over there.
We're going to go over there, where the monogishis are,
in Mazatlán,
according to Eugenia Flo,
to talk to us about how you can,
how the control,
the sexual control,
I give you sex as long as you do this.
I don't give you sex if you do this.
You have to have children. I don't want to have children.
The sexual control, the reproductive control,
which is not love.
Let's go back to the conversation, it's delicious.
Keep up with us.
Animate.
Follow the conversation with
Marco Antonio Regil in Formula.
Today's question, if you check
your partner's cell phone, yes or no,
on my social media, on my Instagram,
and at marcoantonioregil.com,
in Formula, 80% says no,
20% says yes.
But I have other data.
I have other data.
100 Mexicans, no.
The Avast page,
published in 2022,
says that 58%
is that maybe our followers are very healthy.
I think those who come and listen to this program
are going to therapy.
They are in love.
The Avast survey says that 58%
of Mexicans
check their partner's phone
without permission.
More than 2 terriers,
77% of Mexicans have checked
their partner's phone
and agree that they have no right to access it.
But they do.
And that's why it begins.
P Damio, Jose Jose.
What was Jose Jose saying?
Listen.
The one who loves is suffering.
The one who loves to love is suffering.
The one who loves is enjoying.
The one who loves is suffering.
If you love, you have to suffer
and if you don't suffer,
you're a bad person.
And the one who loves is giving his life.
Sacrifice.
Exactly.
It's like a libertine, right?
Of course.
Why do you want to be...
Irrespective.
The one who loves, gives everything, gives everything.
The one who loves, gives everything.
Even his password for the phone.
Ah!
If you don't love me, you don't give me your password.
You give your phone password to your partner when...
Of course not.
You give it to her?
No.
No?
No, that's not loving.
Of course not.
That's invading privacy.
Invading privacy.
Not respecting that we are different beings.
Exactly.
That we have different needs.
The other one, you and I are the same.
No, we are not the same.
No.
Timbiriche, sorry, Diego Schoening.
I love you, friend.
But no, friend.
You and I are not the same.
We are not two beings.
Individuals.
And it's a basic need to respect my individuality.
And my needs.
That are totally different from yours.
Exactly.
Well, we are going to link ourselves.
We are going to invade Masatlan, Sinaloa.
Eugenia Flo, sexologist, graduate from the Institute of Sexology in Madrid, Spain.
Eugenia, it's a pleasure to see you, friend.
Hello!
Welcome.
It's a huge pleasure to see you.
Hey, do you give your partner your password?
No, definitely not.
You don't even ask for it?
No, neither.
Neither for what?
Now, tell us something.
What is sexual control?
Look, this part of wanting to control the moment of encounter, the peculiarities.
For example, what do we mean?
That my pleasures, what detones my pleasure, my excitement, is necessarily what detones your excitement.
Because if you love me, then you should be excited about the same thing.
If not, then how do you say you love me?
We find this very often, wanting to have this axis, being the axis of erotic encounter, of intimate encounter.
And then, what happens when we want to control that?
Point number one, we forget that this is something that we cannot control.
Because this question of desire and our erotic peculiarities is something that is explored, it is something that we talk about.
And it is something that we discover and there will be points where we will make coincidences, but also points where we will not coincide.
And then that is where we have to negotiate.
I would like to expand a little bit the valuable information that both Claudia and Adriana have given in this respect.
To allow the other to love me as much as he can with what he has.
That would be the secret. The controller cannot do that, it is not allowed to do that.
And then what he is doing is that he prevents the entire erotic and amateur area of the relationship, that is, all our desires and the amateur.
What does the amateur mean?
The bet in the game of our desires, our way of loving, attracting, seducing, and exciting us, does not have a field of expansion.
The erotic has nowhere to expand his wings in the middle of that control. And if my partner wants to control even my desires, what excites me, what provokes me, the time of the meeting, the modes and all that, it will make that expansion not be seen.
Of course.
So, I as a partner of the controller stop growing, our relationship stops growing, the relationship that we generate in interaction.
And what comes as a consequence of all that, Marco? What does it usually come later?
That we have a perfect factory of everything we call erotic conflicts or what people know as sexual dysfunctions.
Conflict with the orgasm, suddenly there is already this erectile dysfunction, suddenly there is already a conflict after another.
Why? Because in the middle of that tension and that stress, it is impossible for the erotic to relax, for the brain to expand and eros to be able to extend its wings and generate everything that has to be generated so that that desire, the excitement, all that we want, is being worked on.
So if the controller finally wants to control the meeting so that according to him or her, because there are both men and women, the controller, the meeting is wonderful and in the vast majority of cases that rings and everything comes out of control.
It is very important, it does not happen only, I know that we are always crucifying men, men, controllers, men who do not know how to satisfy, do not learn from women how to touch her, how to caress her, how to kiss her, because they believe that they already know everything.
But I also ask you here at the table, women also sometimes fall into this, of controlling, even denying it.
Today it does not touch you, if you do not do this, it does not touch you.
It is a way of manipulation because it is a way of generating power.
This is the only time perhaps where I feel that I have the power, that I have the capacity to make decisions and then...
That is why non-exclusiveness pulls so nicely.
If it is not with you, then I go here.
You cannot control me so easily.
Sex is a very big way, it is a way of controlling.
To remove sex or to demand sex too, right?
Sex.
Sex itself is power.
Sex is power.
Yes, it is sad, but they teach us that, also, for what Eugenia was saying,
they teach us that loving has to go hand in hand with sexually wanting someone.
And that is where a big problem comes when we are aware that our needs will not always be the needs of our partner.
You spoke about the two basic needs of the human being in the previous segment.
In summary, what are those needs, Adriana?
There is a need to belong, to transcend, to feel safe.
That is one of the needs.
And the other, which will never be removed, is our need to continue to be curious.
We are curious beings, to explore, to expand my knowledge, to continue to test.
Those are the two basic needs that are put together all the time in all areas.
I want to feel safe.
Not just in sex.
And I want to explore.
Exactly.
Oh my.
The desire to live and a lot of the discovery and sexual satisfaction have to do with generating novelty.
And also generating intimacy.
These are the two factors that...
Novelty and intimacy.
Exactly.
Can they be done at the same time?
Yes, of course.
In a monogamous relationship?
In a monogamous relationship...
Speaking of monogamous relationships, you are putting me on a very big topic.
Let's put it in relationships.
Everyone as they want and as they can, whatever they can.
I ask you, because you are probably thinking, oh my, that program is from the devil.
Turn it off.
We are not inviting people to be polyamorous.
Only to be informed by people and to seek what best suits them and to get to know them.
Because if I don't know myself, I won't know what is convenient for me.
And to get to know us, we have to be brave and discover ourselves.
And a lot of what Eugenia said, that has to do with sexual dysfunctions, is that sometimes there is so much control that I no longer allow myself to discover myself.
And I no longer allow myself to express myself or allow my partner to express themselves.
Of course.
Which is a lot of what she said about the program.
But one idealistic thing is to think that if I, within a partner, am wanting, as you said, to generate novelty.
Because I generate that novelty, you will be satisfied.
Of course.
That is very ideal.
It has to be both.
It is to generate my novelty.
I am responsible for generating my novelty, not the novelty of my partner.
Of course.
Sex is boring, it is my responsibility to make it boring.
I see what I do to get bored.
Exactly.
And that is very loving.
And as Marco said, you don't have to be polyamorous.
With the fact that you first learn to love a person, it is already a big step.
Once there was a television series that said, when you have a problem with your partner, don't look for another partner.
Because now you have two problems.
Because you have not solved the root of the problem.
I want to talk to Eugenia because time is flying.
You know that time flies.
I want to ask you, Eugenia, what is reproductive control?
And what do I do if my partner pressures me to get pregnant or get pregnant?
First, if you are already realizing that he is pressuring you, there you already have great news for you.
Because if you are already detecting it, it is time to put a limit and go to work it first.
You have to realize that it is what attracted you to be with a controller, to question yourself what you do there.
Question yourself if you want to continue there and work with a therapist, work with a psychologist, with a sex psychologist and see what will happen with the relationship.
So it's the same, if they want to control me whether I have children or not, whether I have sex or not, they want to pressure me, control me in some way, then therapy is what they want.
Now that you mentioned the world of swingers, men and women do not enter the world of swingers for the pleasure of the couple without them having this erotic peculiarity of being swingers or being polyamorous because of the fear of losing the relationship.
This is something that will soon be thrown away.
Of course, and today many men are going through that, I say that there are no women who are also interested.
But there are many of my friends who tell me that my boyfriend wants us to share, my boyfriend wants a threesome, my boyfriend wants to explore.
I get anxious because I suffer because I don't want to share my partner because it is not really a desire that is being shared, rather it is someone deciding with another person, giving up their power to not lose the relationship.
But what Eugenia says is fear, fear is what pushes us all to control, fear.
But how to control or sometimes to please.
So in this of the swingers, and I have done this to talk to many swingers, there are really many people who do it for pleasure and fear that their partner will leave them or do something without them knowing it.
And they stop being who they are because I don't want to get into that but I do it so that they don't leave, but they already left because that's not what I want.
And you happen to do something that does not give you any pleasure?
Listen, the time is running out, we are going to say goodbye to the phone but I don't want to stop touching the subject.
We have been talking a lot about freedom, love is freedom. What is freedom? What is freedom?
For me freedom is power, there are many types of freedoms.
Right now I can't take a plane right now to go see my daughter Australia.
That's freedom. But I have freedom, I have freedom of thought for example.
I'm not afraid to think, I'm not afraid to question.
I have freedom in my relationship with Miguel, my husband, I have freedom to act, to think and to say. Freedom.
Eugenia, for you, what is freedom in short? Because time is running out.
To be able to be me respecting the rights of others.
Claudia, what is freedom for you?
Knowledge and it also has a lot to do with empathy.
Ok, we have one minute. What is trust? The three of us. What is trust?
Because you have to trust to be in a truly loving relationship.
For me trust is the ability to develop tolerance to not know, to be good with the unknown.
That's for me to trust.
It's the opposite of control. I'm going to trust.
Yes, I trust because I also don't know.
I'm in the present.
We want security, yes we can't.
But when I press the security button it disappears.
Ok, Eugenia, what is trust for you?
Trust is understanding that I can't control what my partner decides.
That's her responsibility.
Ok, Claudia?
Trust for me is to make the decision to understand differences.
To understand, simply.
And I also think it's a super loving act.
Trust between two people has to be built with the time we spend, with the experiences we have.
And with moments of goodness.
Yes, with what you say you're going to do, you do.
And with what you're having fun with. If I trust someone, I'm going to have fun with it.
If I've had moments where I've been good.
And if what you're hearing here on Telefórmula Radio Fórmula sounds attractive to you,
talk to your partner and tell her you want freedom.
For me love is freedom, for me love is to trust, for me love is to give each other support,
to be companions, companions, to really support each other.
I don't want you to tell me when you come with me don't look at anyone.
Because you have to tell the truth.
If that formula of traditional toxic love isn't yours, then tell her.
See you tomorrow on Telefórmula Radio Fórmula.
Stay tuned on Telecom Maxime Goodside.
And we'll continue talking about loves or controls.
The conversation has a lot to give.
Follow us here and vote at marcantonierjil.com diagonalfórmula.
Love or control is today's topic.
We're still live on Radio Fórmula and we're reviewing songs,
songs that have made us normalize what controlling is to love.
And if we were 100 Mexicans, the answer would be incorrect.
But here's Amaná. Let's listen to Amaná.
I'm a mouse from your mouse hole.
A trap that doesn't kill but doesn't free.
I'm a mouse from your mouse hole.
Love that doesn't kill but doesn't free.
And those songs, it's not that people who sing them are bad
and say, ah, let's create suffering with this song.
No, because music is art and you write it when you're in pain.
And human mind thinks weird things when you're in a depression, right?
Exactly.
Girls.
And you think you love when maybe because of what you're suffering
it has nothing to do with love but with heartbreak.
Exactly.
And it's normal for you to write a song about this or paint a painting
or make a script for a movie or art.
It's a catharsis, in fact, it's fine.
But when we repeat music, music and...
Education.
And we let ourselves be educated and programmed subconsciously,
that's the problem, right?
Of course.
Well, let's continue with Claudia Lobatón, psychologist,
Adriana Rankin, writer and conferencing, author of the book
Compañeras de Vida o Celda, and also with Eugenia Flo, sexologist
from Mazatlán, Sinaloa.
Here we have some opinions and questions from our audience.
Fanny Beatriz Roig from Merida, Yucatán says,
For me, loving is giving freedom. Love is not a prison.
Very good.
Bravo.
She says, a few years ago I loved and let it go.
There's a phrase I like, we all know it, I think.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they come back to you, it's because it's always yours.
If they don't come back, it's never yours.
I let it go and it came back after 10 years.
Wow.
We have to write a movie about that, right?
Yes, but...
You can't...
Hey, no, this is a good question.
Can you give your partner freedom?
How can you give freedom to someone?
How? Why do we think that?
Of course, you shouldn't give her freedom.
You can't just accept it and honor it.
Of course.
You can't do anything else.
If I give you freedom, freedom is yours.
I honor it. It's not a privilege that I give you.
Exactly.
It's not because otherwise we would be under a hierarchy.
Of course.
I give myself freedom. I allow myself to enjoy.
But in that love and in the songs and everything...
stupor that is very precious, but if you get stupefied,
toss, it's nice to say things.
But it's a game.
It's a game.
Great, right?
Is it worth saying things to each other?
you tell the other person, I'm yours.
Of course, that's the point.
Of course.
I'm yours.
You can't be like this.
Do whatever you want with me.
No, if I say something to you, you won't understand.
Well, if they tell me in the right place at the right time,
You can't do that.
I mean, come on.
it's fine, but we know it's a game.
It's the same thing.
But it's not for the rest of your life.
It's the same thing.
Don't take it so seriously.
You can't say to each other, I'm your friend,
I'm your friend, I'm your friend.
It's the same thing.
It's a game.
Isn't it great?
Is it worth saying things at the time of the Cuchicuchi?
But we know they are not literally a truth.
It's that at the time of the Cuchicuchi,
one says a lot of barbarities.
Then later when you get up to bathe, you say, Kelly.
Even, oh my God, oh my God, my presence.
But it's a game.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
It's the Cuchicuchi.
But it's a little game, it's a role,
that can keep the spark on, it's very nice.
Of course.
Hey, that's what I said, just to get there.
No, and that's how it feeds.
It's very nice to feed.
When I talk about romantic love as something violent,
I'm not against having a table in a forest at night and a candle.
That's beautiful.
How beautiful.
No, the violent thing is to think that the other person belongs to you,
that you have to solve your needs.
Of course.
Hey, Cynthia Leyva from Agua Preta Sonora
asks a question that has to do with what I was mentioning,
and the question is for the three of us, right?
What is the difference between obsession, love and falling in love?
And she says, how much freedom is healthy to give when you love?
Give.
There you go, that one you already answered.
But what is the difference between obsession, love and falling in love?
Who wants it? Adriana.
For me, it's very clear that when I talk about falling in love,
I think about necessity, addiction, idealizing the other person,
thinking that it's like, I want it to be, and not how it is.
I can't see it as it is.
That's my part of falling in love.
For me, loving is releasing the person I love from my fears and my needs.
Wow, releasing the person I make from my fears and my needs.
I mean, I make myself responsible.
And that's why I love you, and that's my way of loving Adriana.
Of course.
Eugenia, what is the difference between obsession, love and falling in love?
The only beauty there is love.
The only beauty.
The obsession is only you and no one else but you, and you have to be you.
And if the other doesn't suit me or the other doesn't suit me,
then what am I capable of?
Of course.
Right?
That's where we enter a danger zone, because there is an obsession.
Okay?
You can do that.
The phase of falling in love, well, neuroscience tells us,
don't decide anything important in the phase of falling in love.
And remembering Dr. Eduardo Felipso tells us that it's the first 10,000 days, right?
The phase of falling in love.
10,000 days.
Around there, Claudia, we are grateful for your help.
10,000 days.
What are the phases of falling in love?
How long does it last?
It can last three months and it can extend to three years, and it depends.
And it has also been proven that you can fall in love again with the same person,
but taking into account that there is a new relationship, which is unlikely,
but it happens.
But when I'm in love, I'm dumbfounded by not using another word.
I know.
And you can't love while you're in love.
When you're in love, you can't love?
From my point of view, you can love once you stop being in love.
And there, I know that people are shocked because there is a mixture between how,
if it's, I want to live in love, but until...
No, there is no love at first sight, right?
There is no love at first sight.
Strong statements in the formula.
There is no love at first sight.
But if all movies tell me so...
It's falling in love.
I would put the obsession, falling in love and loving as a matryoshka,
where the obsession is a series of recurring thoughts,
where I'm fixed only towards one place and I don't see anything else around me.
It can even be quite pathological and part of many mental illnesses.
Falling in love is a process that is chemical, that is natural,
that is in function of reproduction and that usually has obsessive thoughts.
And that will always end.
It will end, it has a duration, it is chemical, important decisions are not made.
And the third one, which is love,
love is a decision after you have gone through the love process,
now you decide if you want to love that person or not.
Which is a decision of your own and which is a consequence of self-knowledge,
which is a consequence of well-being,
which is a consequence of wanting to share with you
and that you are accepting what the other person has with their resources.
Sure.
Hey, it comes to mind, Andy, look for Miguel Mateo's song, the obsession, do you remember?
From the times of Spanish rock.
It comes to mind that there is a step from hate to love,
but with what you are saying I am understanding that it is not that from hate to love there is a step,
from obsession to hate there is a step.
Because if you don't answer me, if you don't do what I want, then I'm going to hate you.
Or am I wrong?
No, no, no, it has a lot to do with it, but wow,
I would also like to understand what you call hate.
No, no, no, that's what the phrase says, I'm not saying hate.
What you say is that I hate love.
And my step, for example, happens to those of us who sometimes are,
it doesn't have to be a couple, to those of us who are public people,
fans who love you, love you, love you, but it is one thing that they don't see well
and then you go from being their greatest idol to hating you, you are a hypocrite,
I'm leaving, I'm not going to follow you anymore, that's what I mean.
Yes, yes, it has to do with this rigid thought, these high expectations,
hate comes from this feeling of despair,
and also because I like it a lot in a couple, to see this from the mirror.
Everything I'm looking for in you are things that I once lacked in my life story.
It can be like a pendulum, it can be, for example,
if I lived with an alcoholic person, it could be that I liked alcohol a lot,
it could be that I rejected it on an excessive level,
and if I'm aware of it, then I've already worked on it,
or I relate to people who have a problem with alcohol to look for a way to save them.
I think of falling in love and I have it there in my book,
a phrase or a little poem that says,
I fall in love with you because of what you see in me,
your words transform me, they make me love myself,
that's why it hurts when you leave, because I return to the blindness of my own beauty.
Wow, you should write a book. Oh, it's already in the book.
I gave it to you.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Eugenia, we have 30 seconds, because we're going to a break,
but I want you to tell me, obsession, from love to hate, is there a step,
or is it from obsession to hate, a step? What do you think of this?
Well, both obsession is dangerous, as we have already seen,
I have tried these cases of obsession,
obsession always derives almost in a restriction order,
many times when there is a person who is obsessed with someone,
he can come to charge that person,
I think they are interesting points that would require another program,
and the other issue of passing to hate,
I can't have you, you don't correspond to me,
so now I hate you, but do I really hate you?
Or do I hate myself?
Hate is a projection, I hate myself and I project it on you in some way.
Like why do I hate you if you don't correspond to me?
Of course, well.
Well, you are obliged, if I love you, I am responsible for this love.
Of course, let's go to the break with the beautiful song of Miguel Mateos, we'll see.
Obsession, obsession, a ball of destiny,
I put you on my path, that's why.
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We return with Marco Antonio Regil in formula.
Do you love or control? That is today's question.
I'm seeing here on my Instagram that is Marco Antonio Regil.
Wendland03 says, is it wrong?
About today's question, if you check or not check, if you get your partner to check your cell phone.
He says, it's wrong, but that's how you find out about reality.
Can, can, can, can.
You can't ask because you don't believe him.
Well, I'll tell you that here in a studio that I already lost,
33% of Mexicans say that when they've searched they've found.
Of course.
Oh, dad.
Well, Gabby08 says, that's an insult to me.
I would never allow myself to have that toxicity.
That's why I go to therapy.
Very good, Gabby.
A round of applause for Gabby.
I always say that the sexiest thing I can find in a woman, as a single man, is that she tells me that she goes to therapy.
What a thing.
The lingerie of emotions.
What a thing.
I go to therapy.
How many times a week.
I already forgave my parents.
I'm working in my inner child.
I am responsible for my emotions.
I, oh, little one.
A tequila, please.
Well, check it out, says Ross Cáceres.
Checking it out is not the problem.
The problem is your insecurity.
And if your partner provokes that insecurity, there we are as if taking responsibility for the couple.
Exactly.
How about that?
But at least it's already being realized.
We are realizing it, but therapy is missing.
We all lack therapy, I include myself.
Miach on Instagram.
We both do it, but there is also respect.
It's mutual agreement.
Oh, great.
I mean, I give you my...
How are you doing that?
Well, that's what I was telling Clau here, that respect is defined only between the couple.
If for them that is to respect, well, there it is.
It's fine, it's fine.
Respect is everyone.
Yes.
There is no respect.
Everyone has their own...
Hey, response from Javi Azul on Instagram.
Nefasto, the fault is not the phone, it's you for being with someone who doesn't value you.
Bye, what follows.
Very good, very good.
Hey, what was I...
What were we talking about?
About love and hate.
What I was saying is that they are not counterparts.
Hate is not the counterpart of love.
Hate is not the absence of love.
It's not the counterpart, because you feel the same amount of hate as the same amount of love.
But not love, that is, the counterpart of love is indifference.
It's already worth everything.
Of course, indifference is the opposite of love.
If there is love, I care, and I am involved.
And if not...
And now, girls, Eugenia and Clau, you in therapy, when you see a couple who already have indifference, is it worth it?
Is it worth it?
Well, it's not worth it, but it is explaining that relationships die, even if they can continue being there.
And that they have to be aware and make the decision.
Okay, look, here is a statistic, listen to this.
Excuse me, Eugenia, the same question for you.
When there is no interest...
No, you have to be clear about what is what has you together, and it's not always love, and it's also worth it, as long as you are aware.
Okay.
Here is a statistic, also from Avast, published in 2022, says,
Two out of five couples fought for something they discovered on their partner's phone.
Two out of five.
That's a lot.
It's high.
But look at this statistic, it says,
19% of the couples found, memorized the password of their partner.
They learned it, they didn't see it, they memorized it, they looked at it there in the restaurant.
Then it says,
6% cheated on their partner to unlock their phone.
And listen to this, I can't believe this, God, free me from this.
4% used their partner's fingerprint while they were sleeping to unlock it.
I mean, I can't sleep at all if there is no trust, really.
And you wake up like this, oh, I like your little hand.
Exactly.
And while at night like this.
There has to be trust, right? Eugenia, what do you think of this?
Let's see.
Oh, it's so hard, isn't it?
And that phrase, how do you live your life?
I mean, what makes me constantly think that my partner is unfaithful, that he is cheating on me?
I mean, where does that thought come from?
Well, maybe you've done it.
Leon thinks that everything is under his condition.
Exactly.
Where does that come from?
Why?
Now, if I have a foundation, what good is it for me to complain, complain, complain, and not do anything about it?
What do I do there? What joy is there that I recognize?
There are people who like to suffer.
When I didn't go to therapy and I was toxic, there was like an adrenaline rush.
I was jealous, I was jealous. It was like a competition all the time to retain it.
Addiction to cortisol.
And the need and feeling of validation to have reason.
Many times we find out that we are uncomfortable, that it doesn't do us good.
Just because of the feeling of saying, I am the good one.
And because of the fallacy of the lost cost.
I mean, I invested a lot in this relationship. Now I'm left to see.
It costs what it costs. Even if it costs my well-being.
When I realized what you were talking about, it was when I read that book by Eckhart Tolle, The New Earth,
which is not an easy book, it's not for beginners, but it's a very good book.
And he was talking about the body of pain, which is like a zombie,
that every time it feels pain and drama, it's like it's taking life.
And that body of pain is claiming toxicity because it lives from that and wants to be awake.
And when you don't give it that toxicity, it's dying and it doesn't want to die.
It's its food.
Do you remember that part?
Yes, you reminded me of a therapeutic exercise called Monsters of Love,
which has a whole narrative and talks a lot about the body of pain.
The body of pain, you have to see it as an entity.
It's not me, but it's an entity.
And the more you feed it, Eugenia, the more life and strength it has.
You have to put it in a fast, not intermittent, but permanent.
Exactly.
Touch the
original point.
Thank you so much, Marco.
Thank you, Marco.
Of course.
I think with what we could have from this program, with so many important contributions,
I think as a society we should be learning that the best thing that could happen is
is stop watching others and start working on our best version.
Stop comparing me, stop thinking about what my partner will be doing,
if he will be being faithful or not, if he will be more beautiful or not,
more, more, more, more, and work on my best version day by day.
And from there everything will flow much better.
You can follow me on Instagram, I'm like sexologist,
Kion Bajo, Eugenia, nothing more.
I'm going to give you my Instagram so that in a single social network
you can follow me, sexologist, Kion Bajo, Eugenia.
Thank you very much to Marco, Claudia and Adriana.
It was a pleasure to have coincided with you, Eugenia.
Time flies, Adriana Rankin, where can we find your book?
And you have a masterclass.
Yes, I have a webinar this Saturday at 11.30 in the morning.
The topic is, do you suffer?
Don't suffer because of love, because love doesn't hurt.
What hurts are romantic beliefs.
Look for me on Instagram, like Adriana Rankin,
and to buy my book you can enter Amazon, look for it,
like this, companions of life or Zelda.
Ok, perfect. Claudia, where can we find you to follow you?
At www.sexologist.cloud.
Please go to therapy, dare to meet,
and that is my conclusion, because if there is no knowledge, there is no love.
The topic is to go inside.
Go inside.
And there is the solution.
If Jordi and I have achieved it, you can also see it.
Of course.
If my dear Jordi is where he is.
Yes, he is where he is.
That is why self-knowledge is at the bottom.
Of course, we have thought difficult things, but therapy is going a lot.
I have said it.
Yes, yes, yes.
My friend, I have worked on it, it is noticeable.
It is another conversation that is given with someone who has gone to therapy.
Tomorrow on Radio Fórmula and Telefórmula we will talk about love in the times of Tinder.
Love in the times of Tinder and two people who are actors and actresses
who met their partner on Tinder will come.
And we will also talk, the Mexican Hitch will be with us,
a super, super expert in relationships.
Can love be found in applications?
Would you trust someone who exists in an application?
That is the question of tomorrow here on Radio Fórmula and Telefórmula.
I am Marco Antonio Regil.
You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube,
everywhere as marcoantoniorregil.
Thank you, see you tomorrow.
Thank you girls.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Thank you all.
Thank you.