Welcome to episode three. I'm Jay. I'm Rob. Steve and this is That Ain't It Podcast.
You ain't shit podcast. Cheers baby. No. That ain't it. Yeah. That ain't it. You are you
are something though. You know whether it's a good person, a mediocre one, or a piece
of work. You're something. You just call me an ogre. Medi-ogre. Shout out Shrek. Shout
out Shrek. Shout out Shrek. I haven't watched in so many layers. I haven't watched that shit in
you watched it. I saw yours. Let me fucking finish the story. Story not sponsored by Zyn.
Fuck. Haven't watched Shrek in years. And then little man Lucas is like. Shout out Lucas.
Lucas. I want to watch a movie. And I was like. All right. Well. You're like I'm tired. I'm
going to pick. Yeah. As I'm scrolling I see Shrek. I'm like. This motherfucker has never
seen Shrek and we're watching that shit. That's gas. Yeah. Then. Last night. Eddie Murphy.
Two nights ago. He when he gets home from school he's like. He goes up to Nicole and
he's like. Mommy I want to watch the movie with the green princess and she's like. The
fuck is the green princess and he's like. Frank. She's like. What the fuck is Frank.
We've never watched anything called Frank. He's like. Yeah. Frank with the green princess.
What is he for. Shout out Frank. Yeah. And then she's like Shrek. Yeah. Frank. And I'm
like. All right. It's not Shrek anymore. It's fucking Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank
to on DVD. Too much Idaho drip on for this weather. I know. And I just made myself a
hot coffee. That's not. That's straight up water. Is that coffee. I smelled that. Yeah.
We started and I'm like who the fuck is making coffee. Yo. Also shout out Nicole again for
the mugs. Look at what Jay's wife did. Sponsored by Jay's wife. Yeah it is sponsored by Jay's
wife. It is sponsored by Lucas. Yeah. Also. All right. All right. All right. So we have
a surprise. Yeah. It's gonna be a good one. Surprise. I'm pregnant. How'd that happen.
Don't know. Last week we got a little too turned after the podcast. Yeah. And I woke
up and my booty was hurting. So somebody did something. I left. So wasn't me. I didn't
do anything. But you'd be told I walked in the robbers room and it did smell like a tire
factory in there. So. We didn't make it on the bathroom floor. Wasn't me. Something was
burning. Wasn't me. Wasn't me. Shout out Shaggy. Yeah. No Scooby Doo. Shout out Shaggy. What.
Anyways. Anyways. So. We are gonna shout out Jordan. Shout out Jordan baby. Insert
applause here Jay. Just so you know. I will say this. Jordan could be considered a slight
sponsor for the motivation of today's inspiration to the podcast. Jordan. And this is why. She
hooked it up. She sent us a care package. She sent us a care package. This thing is
wild. Cards Against Humanity. Our first fan mail. Look at that. That is the biggest nicest
box I've ever seen for a game ever. It's embroidered. It's a fucking briefcase. It's not embroidered.
It's called embossed. Embossed. That's what I said. No. Anyways. We figured we would
play. We would have ourselves a quickie. What. And play a play a couple hands at a Cards
Against Humanity for you guys. This is gonna. And just remember this. This is a card game.
Okay. Don't get your feelings hurt. It's a card game. I didn't make the cards. Don't
get upset. We didn't design this game. It is what it is. What it is. What it is. Okay.
You have the freedom to fuck off. Yeah. Quote unquote. We'll say it again. Yeah. I do. I
do want to share something before we guys before we start guys. Sorry. Go for it. Yeah.
Just reach it. So I'm going to assume that everybody in this podcast is making responsible
choices for their life and that we're all adults here. Yep. For those of us who don't
know what a nooner is. That's when you're at work and your lady calls you up and says
hey I need daddy to come piece me up. What. I'm just saying. That's what a nooner is.
So you take your lunch break and you. Okay. That went. That was out of left field. I did
not think we were going to. I'm not denying what you're saying. That was just so out of
pocket. Jay said quickie. I said nooner. So I. Oh. Full circle. Yeah. Full. I get it now.
First fucking pervert. So I just wanted to tell you guys what a nooner was. Okay. Let's
get rolling. We're going to five five five first five. OK. I'll read the first card.
Seven. Sorry. He's right. You always want to make sure you have seven. So when you play
you draw the number of completion. Shout out the Lord. Showing us all how to complete.
All right. I'm going first. Stop fucking picking and choosing. Look at it. He's a cheater.
I drew right off the top after. OK. That's fine. All right. That's fine. Let's go. Don't
look at shit. Keep your eyes to yourself. Look at I got a jet fuel over here. This is straight
ninety three. Fucking relax. OK. Look men like blank.
RIP Alex Trebek. Miss that guy. Jeopardy. If you don't know now you know. OK. Here we
go. Suck it Trebek. No. He was a good man. He was a good guy. Have you never seen celebrity
death match. Oh bro. Throwback. Fucking wait. I'm out. I haven't seen that in so long.
You got that was a whore and your father smelled of a merch idea. Seriously. Merch idea. Time
out. Time. You write that down. Time out. Write it Steve. I was Steve. Steve. Write it
down. OK. Time out. I've been saying time out more because of you. Yeah. I say it constantly.
Hey hold up time out when you have a four year old. That's just what you say a lot.
Well go to time out. But we're not talking. No. So we have two meanings of time out in
this house and what am I writing. He understands both. Time out. Merch idea. Just put that.
He understands Lucas understands a time out when it's time to go to time out. And then
he also understands time out as in like pause. OK. He understands it. Yes. He's four guys.
You should know the term too. Yeah. Get on it. Get on it. Get with it. Get with the program.
Every time we say it's just like. Just got to let you know we're sipping something sipping.
All right. So the time out sipping on some scissors. We're gonna do a crew. We're gonna
do a crew neck and some bro shorts on the time out. Hold up. You know those Nike shorts
I have time out. It's gonna be on the dick spot. No fucking time out time out. Can it
say juicy on the ass. No that's juicy. That's a thing. What is it really. I've literally
been saying juicy on the ass of something for like 15 years. But that's been a thing
though. What if we put millions of. Hold on. No this is what Jay is saying. He's saying
what if the term on the ass was juicy on the ass. Yeah. Oh. Like it says all that. You
might get a cease and desist. Remember what we were talking about earlier. Yeah. Fuck
them. OK. Come at. Come at me bro. You're working with multi million dollar companies
or billion. You're not wrong. They're not billionaires. Ah. Whatever. OK. Maybe they
are. Back to the subject. Men. They can cease and desist this jackhammer. It's true. We
call Steve the jackhammer around here. Write that down. No I'm just kidding. He uses everything.
You write that down. All right. OK. Snag. Yep. Back to card one. Pipe down over here.
Trying to read. Men like a meeting that could have been an email. I do like that. Say that
again. Men like a meeting that could have been an email. That's a good card. It is a
good card. I respect the card because that's true. We don't like emails. Sorry we don't
like meetings that could literally like you get there. And they're like they're like they're
like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. And I'm like you could have just
put this in an email. Yep. Because guess what. I'm fucking working. Exactly. Yep. All right.
So I was the first one. Men like having just masturbated. It's a picture card too. Check
it out. You can't argue with that. You can get it there. You legit can't argue. I'm gonna
do that one. Picture card. Yeah. Sorry. The reason I like that is because if the feeling
is just have masturbated that means I have so much free time. Who's next. That's true.
Lot of free time. I'm already done. Because yeah the tuggy time is over. Yeah I finished
with tuggy time. I have to read it. Oh yeah. No that's not how it goes. It's in order but
I went in the middle for some. Yeah we're going clockwise. We're in America not Australia.
I fucked that way. Not that way. Stay tuned for my other public apology video for that
one. Yeah. He's got two coming now. Yep. That's what she said. Continue. I fucking wanted
to say that to me dude. I should call her. All right. Anyways. Members of New York social
elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience blank. This is gonna be fucking
outlandish dude. Read it again. Ew. Read it again. What are these cards. Members of New
York social elite which let's just stop there. Yeah. We know this is gonna be a lunatic round
filled with lunacy because New York social elite are degradates. Degenerates. No degradates.
Same thing. Yeah. Is it. Well a degradate is like a candidate of degeneration so it's
a little bit above what you're trying to say. We're getting deep. We are and we're learning
English. We're learning English. Hey chat. Fact check that. Fact check that. Yeah. Jay
doesn't like it. But like I said on previous podcast English is a language that deserves
the respect of knowing it with fluency. Respect with a K. Exactly. R-E-S-P-E-K. All right.
Back to the car. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. To the car. Kicking back being bull. Buckle
a bit bookie. OK. Sorry. A baklava bookie. That sounds hella Greek dude. I like it. Russian.
Isn't a baklava. Dude I'm a big fan of the Mediterranean bro. Greek women. Chill. Chill.
Chill. Rain it in. Shout out to the real baklava though. Action Bronson. Yeah. Action Bronson.
Baklava papa. Hey. Come on. Papa baklava. Today we have Action Bronson on our podcast.
Oh wait. Sorry. Matty Matheson on our podcast. Oh wait. Sorry. Teddy Swim's on our podcast.
Sorry. Jay Tinklenberg. Are you trying to gas your ass up? Yeah. You're getting me bricked
right now. Yeah. I'm bricked saying it. Those are some of the nicest things you've ever said
to me. Yeah. Well you deserve it bud. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say anything bad about
any of that because that's good. That was very sweet. Insert applause. You know what. It doesn't
work. Jay. It does work. Yeah it does. It does work. Totally. It works. Read it. Members
of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience an elite squad
known as the special victims unit. Oh my god. That shit's gas. Wow. Big facts. I don't have
the numbers on this so I'm not gonna say big facts. Fact checked it. I'm not gonna say
big facts but I would be willing to bet a paycheck that New York has the highest influx
of sex trafficking. It's actually Sacramento. In the country. It can't be. It's one of the
toppers Sacramento. I promise you. Look at that. That's actually true. It actually is
true. Legit. I'm not fucking with you. You better not be. I'm not. I wouldn't. You know
that. What country's coastline is closest to San Francisco? Russia. Japan. Oh. Japan.
That's Alaska. Wow. I'm fucking. Whoa. Jesus. Learn some geography. We're gonna need some
help. Learn some simple math. Sound guy we need you to pull this up for us. Get a map
check. Hold up. Hey. Quick. Get off Candy Crush and look it up. Yup. Quit fucking around.
Who got this fucking guy dude? You're about to be fired. He's also a mute so you can't
hear him. I don't give a fuck dude. He can hear me. Yeah. I just need him to do something.
We actually have a real sound guy back there. I just need him to do something with his fucking
life. Yeah. Oh you're pissing me off. Anyways. Can you read before I snap? Members of New
York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience the Joe Rogan experience.
Experience twice. That's a non-sentence. I fucked up. Idiot. I'm going with the SVU
card. God damn it. Yeah. Fuck you Rob. Sorry. Man I am on fire. Okay. I'm gonna go with
the J. J. Your turn. We're in Idaho so we stay handy in the studio with the Gratata.
Don't read it. It's not a dub. I know. Just warning you. Just saying. Okay. When the dog
bites. When the bee stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember blank. And then I don't
feel so bad. Oh my god. That was quick. Steve was quick with it. Yup. Quick draw. Top notch.
Quick draw McGee over here. Do I need. It's quick draw McGraw. But do I need to read this
again for you? No. One more for the folks at home. When the dog bites. When the bee
stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember blank. And then I don't feel so bad. Here
you go bud. Read it and weep. Dude I'm gonna hit the threshold on my pee time. I have to
pee too. You guys. I'm gonna. No I'm sitting through it. I'm a soldier. I literally say
do not break the seal. I can't bro. Steve broke it three hours ago. I will piss all
over the floor. Steve broke the seal before we were drinking alcohol. Steve has the bladder
of a fucking baby seal. Baby kitten. A small fucking kitten you find in a cardboard box
under the freeway. But I'll tell you this. I would much rather be able to hold a good
time than my pee pee. Okay. Enough about Steve's pee pee. When the dog bites. When the bee
stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember warm velvety muppet sex. And then I don't
feel so bad. What the fuck. It's very soft. I mean I've never felt a muppet. The word
velvety is throwing me off there. Why did they throw that in there. That's a fucked
up adjective right there. That's a good card. You should pick that one. That is. All right.
God damn it. Really guys. Really. Who played this. Oh when the dog bites. When the bee
stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember the Rwandan genocide. And then I don't feel
so bad. That wasn't me. He's like give me my card. Hold on. Let him decide. Be real.
That is. Be so fucking for real right now. Pick the one that you think would win. I know
it's really hard because. Because both of those would make. They're both 93 octane.
But. But. The Rwandan genocide one is so fucking wild. So fucking wild. I'm not gonna lie.
Like. And I. The shock value. Are you getting bricked up right over it. Fucking pervert.
Dude Jay's a 33 degree stone mason right now. What did you say. He's got the secrets and
the brick baby. Jesus. This is really hard. OK you guys. I need help. Those are your options.
Throw your boy a W. I'll tell you which one to pick. We're going to flip a coin. We're
gonna flip a coin. OK. I don't have a coin on me right now. Throwing the not sponsored
by Zincan. The back of its tails. Tails. That's the not sponsored by Zincan. Tails. Yes.
Fuck you. Thank you. Hey you can not sponsored by the most reliable source of all time. Zin.
Shout out Tucker Carlson and Theo Vaughn. Yeah. Love you. My turn again. Jesus. OK.
So Steve just left again. He's in and he left the door open. You better wash your hands
boy. Yeah. Wash your hands. Can I be real. Do you. Hey. I don't want to take a take a
roll of toilet paper and tap tap the tip. Dry it off. True. Yeah. You don't want to
have to be so descriptive. You don't want any of that dribble. It's really quiet in
here. I don't like it. You have a wet spot in your jeans right now. You didn't doubt
dribble enough. Did you tap. Did you tap the tip. Did you tap that thing. I don't have
to. All right. Here we go. Back to back to business bitch. Back to game. It's Brittany
bitch. That's a double. Brittany's a woman. Why do I keep saying shout out every time
I want to talk. Shout out Jay and Steve. So tell me if you guys do this when you play
cards against humanity. Nobody likes the double cards. I do. Listen cards against humanity.
If you're listening to this right now. I just don't like them for a stream. Hey CEO of cards
against me. And if you're in or if you're listening right now I get the double card
thing it's just a little much. Take the triple card out there. Don't be a freaking dong bag.
There's not a triple. Is there. No there's no triple. He's capping back checked him back
check it. Hey sound guy playing the game a long time buddy. I can't hate our sound guy.
He doesn't do shit over there. He's literally just freaking rockin off in the corner. Yeah.
I've been literally I can see him. I've been playing this game as long as you've been on
a pillow Rob. Yo I see that tissue box over there. You're not slick. Is that my sock.
No brothers are jerkin tissues. Dude that's a one stop shop. Jerkins. Yeah those ones
that are already pre moisturized. Yeah they got out jerkins. They got it. They got a dab
on it. OK. Only two things in life are certain. Death and blank. This is gonna be a good one.
Don't fuck this up. Read it again. Only two things are certain in life. Death and blank.
Quick drama girl over here. Quick drama guy. I try to stay ready baby so I don't have to
get ready. Get ready. That's right. Right here. Here drink to that. Cheers baby. It's a break
shift. Eight to eight baby. Twelve hour days. Yeah. That's the norm. All right. Here we
go. Only two things in life are certain. Death and a chode. Fuck. That's the realest. It's
really true. That's the realest thing I've ever heard. Yep. Because that is certain dude.
If you're ever chode you're stuck with your chode. I'm sorry. It's coming from some. Wait.
It's normal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally normal. All right. Take your chode down the road bud.
All right. Take your chode down the road. Write that down. Merch right in. All right.
Say it in there. Living life on the chode road. Yeah. All right. Only two things in
life are certain. Death and loving America. Hey preach it. Preach that. Hold up. Insert
applause here. Okay. So this one's actually hard because the chode one is fucking. I'm
going chode. Fuck it. Damn it. Sorry. Yours was good too. I was on a fucking hitter man.
Because yours is true and logical. Yeah. Yeah. Yours is very true and logical. And sometimes
that wins. But like that card is ridiculous and that's what wins me over. Okay. Is crazy.
Uncanny. I could have played crazy but I didn't. Unnatural bullshit. It's your turn Steve.
Go. The de. The de. The dejunum. The Department of Psychology is looking for paid research
volunteers. Are you 18 to 25 and suffering from blank? Stop. Don't look. I legit do not
have any gas for this. Actually wait. I'll hold this and shuffle them. This is like 83
octane if they fucking make that. 83. No it's like 85 I think is the lowest. That's what
I'm saying. This is like somebody fucking siphon some 85 and then fucking watered it
down. Not writing you out. Read it again. Oh my god. Nothing. Read it again. Okay. Read
it. I can't focus after that one. Fucking piece of shit dude. Do you smell that? Yep.
Read it again. Fuck. Smells sulfuric in here. Smells like eggs. Fuck. Go. Literally smells.
Smells like straight burnt latex. I was going to say smells like a trojan. Oh my god. Right
here. Good shit. Have you had one close enough to your nose to smell that? Uh huh. Really?
Alright go. The Department of Psychology is looking for paid researchers. Are you 18 to
25 and suffering from blank? He hasn't even gone yet dude. Hey you should hold this card
so I can't fucking see him. We need to open a window in here dude. It's hot so hot. And
now it's another form of hot. This is just to get rid of a card because fucking I throw
away. You gotta do the throw away sometimes. Watered down bullshit over here. Alright folks
we're about to see what fits the criteria for the Department of Psychology and their
research programs. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Are you suffering? If you want to be a part of
human experiments you're about to figure out what it takes in the age range of 18 to 25
of course. Just read. Okay. You can be a participant for bouncing up and down. No read it the right
way. The Department of Psychology is looking for paid researchers. Are you 18 to 25 and
suffering from bouncing up and down? Or are you suffering from the express written content
of the National Basketball Association? We're gonna go bouncing up and down. Yes. Told you.
Throw away. I get it. I respect the throw away. Sometimes you gotta do it. Hey. Did
not have shit. Do you guys do the whole bullshit? Give your whole hand out. Oh I don't have
any cards. Yeah it's called a rule of the game. I know it's a rule but like. Let's go
Patty Mahomes. Okay fine. You get one time where you can. Oh off sides didn't affect
the outcome of the play. No you're right. I'm not gonna be a Patty Mahomes fucking guy.
Be a little fucking. Talented, smart. Be a little Kansas City. Very athletic but also
a pussy. Yeah Kansas City queef. Yeah. Hey. Some good preaching on a Saturday. It is.
Alright. That's part of the consortium. J-R-U-P. Alright. Here we go. And now from W-H-Y-Y
in Philadelphia it's blank with Terry Gross. Should we do a new card? Do you understand?
I don't. I. New card. I don't understand that one. I'm assuming Terry Gross is like a. We
should just Google. Chat. Hey he's not. He's not Terry Cruz. He's not a guy. He's not
playing fucking Flappy Bird and Google this. Dude I'm really starting to fucking hate that
guy. Yeah. I don't even know his name. He's about to get fired. He's looking at me all
weird. At one point he looked at me and said let's get it on and I was like what? That's
a fucking sketch. I'm not. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get him to agree to some kind
of indentured servant contract. It means he's going to do something he can never do for
something I will never give. I'm confused. Read your fucking history. Anyway sorry. Sorry
Jay. Go ahead. Next time on Dr. Phil how to talk about your child. No. Let me. Back it
up. Reverse it. Next time on Dr. Phil how to talk to your child about blank. Robin with
the heater. Shuffle that shit good. Hit your babe. OK. Where's yours at. Next time on Dr.
Phil. Oh how to talk about. Fuck. Why do I keep saying that. God damn it. Just read it
normal like a normal person. You can't when the word Dr. Phil is in there. For real. Next
time on Dr. Phil how to talk to your child about drinking my bro's pee pee right out
of his peen. Not sponsored by Zen. Wow. OK. Wow. Dude hold on. Peen. Last time I heard
the word peen I was in middle school. Why does it say peen. All my pee. Drinking bro's
pee pee right out of his peen. And next. The old peen straw. Yep. All right. Next time
on Dr. Phil how to talk to your child about pumping out a baby every nine months. Jesus
Louise. Shout out Mormons. That's why you all need that big ass van before it fucking
lapses on the lease. Hey hey hey hey. Sorry. Sorry for cussing. My bad. Very sorry. Let's
not break shit. Yeah. Please. By the way. Sorry I had three shout out Nicole for these
mugs. We're going to shout out Nicole a lot in this fucking podcast. She's a fucking real
G. Real G. If you guys don't know Nicole is Jay's wife. I feel like that's like the second
time we've. No I know but like what if there's new listeners and they just click on the second
episode for whatever weird ass reason. No this is the third episode so get it right. Oh yeah.
Fuck me. I'm going to go pumping out babies every nine months because that shit was funny.
There you go Steve. Give your boys flowers. All right. Let's go. Fucking can. Let's go.
Hurry up. Go read some books. Let's go. Future historians will agree that blank marked the
beginning of America. The beginning of America's decline. Future historians will agree that
blank marked the beginning of America's decline. Steve's quick draw. Dude he's killing you
every time with that quick draw. There it is. You're a man of great haste. The way you
fucking deal these cards. All right. Expediency is the key to success people. Not sponsored
by Expedia. Have some motherfucking urgency in life and kick it in six gear. Yeah. Hey
that's true. That's not my can get behind. Don't fucking rock life like you're driving
a fucking 1987 pinto that's only got four on the tree. Street get get something that's
got a fifth gear and something that's got a sixth gear and then drive like that. But
don't drive it like you know it. Yeah. That was always the joke. I have the bitch like
he stole it. That was always the joke with my little brother. I told his asses like if
you keep running that fucking mouth of yours those beef curtains keep flapping. OK. We're
fucking getting you a fucking pinto for your first car bitch. Yep. You ever seen a pinto
on a beef curtains Jay and lightness. Well so beef curtains like a good piece of fucking
meat. You turn into roast beef throwing you a lot of him. Sure. So you start on the a
lot of hints. You start out in life with a good piece of meat. Yeah. And then over time
it gets braised. It gets beat. Flogged. It gets. Yeah. Yeah. My bad. It gets tied up
sometimes restrained. Whatever. I don't know what you're in. It depends on how I really
I really don't know what you're into. And we're not talking like the tender rising beat.
We're talking talking like beat crazy Friday night. Like there's a there's an area that
exists in between the meat mallet and the meat grinder. And that's kind of where you
want to end up. It's like right in the middle of that. You want to slightly beat. Hence
beef curtain. You want to slay. Hang low. You want to slightly be and they wobble to
and fro but not at all ground. Did we just become best friends. Yep. Beat but not ground.
Do you want to do karate in the garage. Yep. Cheers. OK. Back on topic. Yep. Future party
fell. A little water. No that was Steve's fault. Future historians will agree that
a real sad guy marked the beginning of Americans declined. Yeah. America's decline. He's Louise
could have. OK. This next card is shit has me flabbergasted. It's out of listeners out
of pocket. I don't even want to say it on camera. I'm going to do it though because
it's just a game. Just a game people chill the fuck out. Yeah. Don't get your panties
in a wad. Future history. Future historians will agree that black Republicans marked the
beginning of America's decline. Oh my jeez. Low we's. Shout out Janice again. Yeah. I'm
not saying I'm not. I said jeez Louise. Hey you know what. I'm not on board with that
dude because black Republicans got Kodak out. Why are you saying me. I read the card. I
didn't play. You said it. You read it. I read it. All I'm saying is a shout out Weezy. Forget
my Weezy. Yeah baby. Yeah. Lucky like a lollipop. All right. Who won. OK. That one. Oh Steve's
paying again. All right. See you later. Kitten bladder. Oh he's getting a beer so he can
pee more. I want to be all. I'm good right now. Thank you. Mine's full. I actually don't
want a beer. I don't I don't want to be good. I still have a beer. He needs to stop leaving.
He really does. Literally. It's just me and you. But what other what other podcast is
like one of the hosts just get up and walk out unless they're pissed. Yeah. But Steve's
not pissed. I mean he has to piss but he's not pissed. He's back. Welcome back brother.
What is the bottom of that cap say. There's something on the. Hey shout out cruise banquet.
Yep. Shout out curse the original 1936 stubby this. OK shout out. This is time out. This
is a tangent. OK. If you drink Coors banquet in the can in the can you're officially joining
the club of Rob. Dude I like it in the bottle. You know you front wipe. OK. You're a bunchy
front wiper. Yeah we got some Victoria's Secret hipsters for you on deck. This is the only
way you drink a fucking Coors banquet. If you don't get the fuck out. When have you
seen me drinking out of the can. I don't know. Exactly. No no no no no no no. Last week Nick
brought some over. Oh he did. They brought them. OK. But I didn't say initiated. They
were in the hands. We love you Nick. Yes we do. I didn't say that you drink Coors out
of the can. I said you join the club of Rob who front wipes and you are now a front wiper.
Oh here we go. Yeah. Hell yeah dude. I love this. How's your callus from that friction
burn. OK. Friction burn is crazy. Friction burn. You hear that guys. Rob actually has
in burn. Actually. What are my friends saying right now. Scrunched up paper mache. Wipes
his ass. Rob actually has this tool that's designed for front wiping and it looks it
kind of looks like a it almost looks like it could double as like a douche or so. That
way he goes like this. But it hold. Yeah it holds the toilet paper in the end and then
you just go from the front and you don't even got to bend that far. You just go back and
forth. I saw it in other news. I saw it in his bathroom. Anyways that's not Rob. I told
you that confidence motherfucker. Yeah that's Fox News not CNN News people. No it's fake
news all around. No no this is all fake news. Fuck everything. I don't front wipe. I wipe
from the back like a normal person. Sometimes I stand up and wipe. I don't know why. You
also did admit that you fucking bunch. That's what I do. I don't. Can I get a roll. Don't
do it now. People who stand up and wipe. That's what you call the burglar wipe. You're like
scared of what's behind you. So you're like a burglar wipe. I'm kidding. Don't not ripen
that one down. If I do write it down it's going to be some kind of merch idea with like
a shirt that has like the hamburger on it but he's like. I love the hamburger. Shout
out SpongeBob. Anyways. Okay. Oops. I did it again. I played with blank. These are fucking
dicks dude. Quit showing me your damn cards. God damn. All right boys. Hold on. Got a shuffle.
Hurry it up. Same. Literally the card that I just drew was like mother. That's a regular
thing by the way. When you play this game it's always the card you draw after you place
the one you're playing with. That's big facts. Every time you grab a new card it's like damn
it. I should have used that one. Fuck this game. Tell me if you don't agree or not. I
know you guys agree. It happens every time. Okay. Throw it in the comments. Yeah. You
can DM. You can DM us like a poor person who can't. I don't like this. Oops. I did. Oops.
I did it again. I played with a horse with no legs. What the fuck. Oops. I did it again.
I played with Voldemort. Hey we don't speak of Voldemort. We do not say that name around
here. Fuck Voldemort. Yeah. And you know what I'm talking about. Yes I do. You know what
I'm talking about. He's got his fucking. Fuck Voldemort. Got his motherfucking head looking
like a fat big toe. Fuck Voldemort. Okay. I'm gonna go horse legs or whatever. A horse
with no legs. Voldemort was good but that one was crazy. You know. I heard that little cackle
you just had. I do. You cackled hard. That's because his head looks like a fat big toe.
It's true. My head's looking like Voldemort more and more lately. Okay. Harry Potter.
It sounded like Dobby. That did sound like Dobby. Want me to give you a sock? No I don't
watch it enough. Oh. Me neither. I'm free enough. I'm like I don't watch that show at
all. No I don't need a sock. I'm free. Oh say can you see. Robert gave Dobby a sock.
He sounded exactly like Dobby. Dobby is free. Hella voice crack. Sorry. Welcome to Hidden
Creek Water Park. Please remember that we do not allow blank in the pool. Hopefully
someone has a little piece of shit kid shitting card. Hold on. We don't need any water logs
in the pool. Just wait for my card guys. Just wait for it. No. Hey just so you know if he's
saying that I'm also saying that about mine. This one's a heater. Hurry up. I have to make
pee pee. For Steve specifically this one is a heater. I have to say no. Don't get offended
please. This card is so racist. Yo chill with that. Come on. It's a game. Relax. Wow Rob
you went there? That's your card I think. China. You know dude. Okay. I gotta I gotta
pee now too. I legit thought it was your card he was talking about. No it wasn't. Welcome
to Hidden Creek Water Park. Please remember that we do not allow Chinese president Xi
Xi. Bing. Yeah that guy's kind of crazy. In the pool. Fuck that guy. I'll say it. Yeah
he needs to keep COVID where it came from. Sorry. Shots fired. Was set in 20 proven in
23. Get back at me. All right. All right. Move on. Anyways. Welcome to Hidden Creek
Water Park. Please remember that we do not allow Marsha P Johnson the trans woman of
color who may have thrown the first brick at Stonewall. Well I can tell you who threw
the first fucking brick on that in it podcast baby. It was the card I just played what I
had. We're going with Xi Xi ping. Oh you want to know what that means guys. You got five.
I got five. Fuck. All right. Sorry for the people wearing headphones. Yeah. I blew out
your drum. I just blew out my asshole. Wait wait. No no. Your drum. Your drum. Your drum.
Same thing. They're both holes. Dude seriously though. Like I thought I peed a lot. Steve
is gone again guys. We should you saw this. We're gonna make a wild counter for me because
I fart a lot. Yeah we're gonna make a piss case counter for Steve. Yeah. Because seriously
okay. So here let's talk about an egg. Okay. Are we talking about red flags and eggs. Yeah.
If if we're on a road trip and I have to stop more than when I just need to get gas so you
can piss. Oh yeah. I get it. Fuck off. A little frustrating. Like come on. Especially when
it's like 15 minutes after we just got gas. I'm like what. Fucking push that shit out
while we're there. Is it a age range though. Like what if Lucas had to pee. That's different.
If it's like a like a little kid like I kind of get it. But when you're a fucking full
blown adult. Holy shit dude. I'm not gonna lie. Did not see you there. Nope. That scared
the fuck out of me. Steve just fucking. What's the word. I don't know. Very very sneaky.
Transported from the bathroom here without me seeing him. That was crazy. Translated.
Or day. Well translated that was no poor from room to room. Yeah. Okay. That wraps up the
cards against humanity. Thanks to Jordan again. Jordan. This seriously. This seriously was
like the fucking coolest gift. Yeah. No. Real talk. That was insane. Yep. Thank you. She's
on her shit. If we had a gold bar that was gassed up. That's exactly what. That's like
straight fucking like racing fuel like fucking hundred octane jet fuel. That's that Indy
car shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's a compliment Jordan. You're an OG for that. Yep. Can't
stack these fucking cards proper. There's so many cards in this briefcase. So man. Bro.
It's a brick case. Yeah. Yeah. Bricked up. Yeah. Break that down. No no no. We'll do
it later. You just did it again. We'll do it later Steve. Do what. Later in some people's
book is now. How long have we been going. It's like almost 45 minutes. Oh OK. Yeah.
We're chilling. So Jay wanted to talk about X and red flags. Yeah. We were talking about
X. Did you hear his conversation. He said when someone has to pee on a road trip more
times than you have to get gas. It it fucking piss fucking pisses him off. Yeah. That's
Nick. Want to hear my. Yep. A real talk. Do you guys remember when we drove to Portland
for a coach. You have to talk more in your mark I think you guys remember when we drove
to Portland for Coach Blusa. Yes. And we had the guy car and the one to Crater Lake. Yes.
Remember how many times we had to stop. Yeah. But that's different. That's a fucking like
you remember whose car stop metric fuck ton of. Was it you. No. Who was it. I'm not going
to say. Hey shout out to all the Dutch Bros and twin. I want someone else. Oh gee Dutch
crew bro. Shout out. It was it was the girl car that stopped more. He's like I'll just
say I told you I didn't want to say it but they made me say no no no no one made you
but I get it. Was that were you being sexist right there. Yeah. Was that. No no no no not
at all. I was just talk close to your mic but just pointed. I was pointing out the reality
of the situation. It wasn't really sexist. I mean if you got a sexist comment from that
it's just because of the reality of the situation. Dude. Yeah. But also the reality of the situation
is I ate a bag of cheddar sour cream ruffles and then I threw a dip in on that trip on
that trip like what kind of dip was it fucking you puked. Yeah. Oh shit. Yeah. I want to
go on. No I want it. So I don't smoke cigarettes anymore but I did at the time and I wanted
a cigarette and we'd already made like 18 stops for cigarettes which is like probably
way less than like the bathroom trips from the girls car. But I looked at my buddy hand
being I was like hey bro I need a cigarette dude and he's like just pop a dip in and I
was like and he said that. Yeah. I was like really and he's like yeah and he passes me
his can of winter green freaking skull. Shout out Joe Dirt. Yep. Passes me a can of winter
green school. Dude I threw a fucking three finger and you just just packed that thing
like I'd been chewing for eight years and it was like the first two I had in eight years.
She's sick. You actually throw up. I threw the fuck up and it was funny because I can
be didn't want to like really stop because we're like on a competitive like track where
we're like we can't stop more than the girls like we got a fucking show something here
boys. There was a lot of competitive energy. So yeah he's like what if I just pull over
it like a 15 mile an hour roll. I'm like I can get that done. So I pop the door out and
just fucking yak like neon orange. Really. It's just chatt cheddar and sour cream ruffles.
Neon or yeah yeah. That'll do it. Worst experience I can't call it worse. I can't call it worse
experience. Write that down. That's a good one. I can't call it. That's not Kentucky
shit. Speaking of Kentucky dude who's winning that fucking race back there. Oh yeah. Dude
fucking we got a horse videos horse play in the back. Time out. It is not random. It's
fucking Kentucky Derby. Yeah. It's also blurry as fuck. The pixel content is not there. It
doesn't matter. We don't need 4K when we're watching a horse running beautiful. Yeah.
Yeah. That's fair. Fucking Seabiscuit takes it. Seabiscuit is a fucking G. Yeah. For real
though. You write what are you writing down Steve Seabiscuit. Squish biscuit. It's a squish
man relax. No not squish men. Butter biscuit. OK. Wow. I do want to talk real quick about
how dope it was. So like we already told you guys we all used to work at Dutch. You know
Dutch Bros coffee. Yeah. I'm sure everyone listening knows who that is. We're not going
to shout out though. No no stop. What. It was a what I'm telling you it was actually
a really good experience. Actually hold on. I've met the. No really. No I got to say this
really quick. Do you remember how long I was saying like you remember when Dutch Bros switched
over their franchise agreement and switched it over to operators. Yeah. You were no longer
allowed to buy in. Yes. Do you remember how from the day that we learned that I was saying
that they were gearing up to sell corporate and go on the open market. Steve did call
that. And I even asked Travis to his face when he came down to visit our stand to understand
how a single stand could handle that much volume. Which is out of that. Pretty cool.
We got to come around and show the nation of Dutch Bros employees how to do it because
they didn't know at that point. Shout out to Twin Falls Dam being number two with 35,000
people in their city. Well yeah. There was more than that. No not in Twin Falls. There
was a surrounding area there was surrounding areas different. You're not talking about
the county. No no. Talking about city falls. Got it. OK. Fair enough. So we were doing
ridiculous things because we were ridiculous people. But anyways I asked Travis if that
was what was happening and he told me to my face we would never do that. I will always
protect the dream that me and my brother built. And lo and behold that's not what he did.
And I was right. Money talks. It does. It does. In every situation. Yes. Look no Steve's
not wrong. There's a lot of everyone's a cheap whore when the money's right. Hey there's
little that I wouldn't do for like a hundred bucks. Yo. Hundred bucks. Hundred bucks.
Yeah. And a lot more for a lot less. Yeah. Do you know what. Do you know how many freaking
Rocky Mountain waters and Zini packs you can buy for a hundred bucks. You can buy a couple
cases and a couple logs. Yeah. Yeah. But you're set for a week. You're good. Fucking a week.
Guess what. Whatever you did for that hundred bucks you're gonna forget in a week. Especially
if you fucking buy logs is in and a couple of fucking racks occurs. Big time. Cars.
Shout out cars. Gays. Shout out cars. Great movie. Yep. Real talk though I wanted to say
something about so like a hundred percent Dutch Bros. Look everyone has their mixed
opinions. I still buy their coffee. I'll go there here and there. It's dog shit. Dude
listen like for real. OK. Look I go there sometimes for like the rebels or like whatever.
Hey the real talk though the rebels are fire. They are. Like out of the can. Time out flavor
and added sugar because it's got enough. Yeah. Time out. I miss the old days when they sold
Red Bull because I personally like Red Bull a lot more. I like Red Bull too. Yeah. Fun
fact Dutch Bros. used to sell Red Bull. Yes. And that's what you're like now rebels were.
Yes. But with Red Bull. Yeah. It was gas. It's still gas. Look I'm not talking shit. Red
Bull. It was still. It's actually it's pretty cool too because like they wanted their own
thing and so they contracted the distributors who make Red Bull to make their shit. Yeah.
Which is. But instead of giving you wings it gives you the shits. Yeah. Yes. Can I say
what I was going to say. Go for it. Sorry. Look I would have never met. I would. Front
wife. It's so loud. I would have never met you. What Jay. I'm pointing at Jay. Would
have never met Steve. Would have never met Mason. Nick. Bryce. Bryce. Fucking shout out
Bryce dude. Dude. Shout out be true. Be true. Be true. He's a chiefs fan but I still love
him. Love you Bryce. But. That is. That's something he's gonna have to change. Gonna
have to change it. He won't. Bryce is loyal. He's gonna need to. Oh he's loyal though.
Yeah but we can get over the things that we relapse on. OK. All right. So hear me out.
I think that Dutch Bros is really cool in the fact of like I'm talking when you work
there like the workforce. Well yeah they definitely hire elite personalities for sure. Yeah. I'm
all I'm saying is basically what I wanted to say is like I appreciate like who I've
met and what it was. Dude the OG bro you guys know the OG Twin Falls Dutch Bros crew was
like the shit. And so like look hear me out. You guys know I moved to California. I left
it. Me and Jay left. Steve left eventually too. And I could say the same thing about
the OG Roseville in California. Shout out you guys too. Shout out. Shout out Roseville
for sure. No that shit was like this. I got the same. It was a bummer when I left because
I but then it was I was grateful because I got the same feeling in Roseville that I didn't
win and both were like insane. And I've like I've gone to other stands and I'm not talking
shit on the other stands but like there was just something about those two crews that
I like really to this day even when the bad shit happened or like the stupid shit or the
ridiculous dumb fucking stupid bullshit that happened with anything that has to do with
politics politics. Thank you. Do you remember the Christmas parties though. Yeah bro that
shit was so lit. And when Nampa Caldwell opened their what was it their fifth? 12th Avenue.
Dude is that when. That picture I have with Bryce with his ass out. Yeah. Bryce had his
ass out. Yeah. That shit was wild. Outside the hotel. That shit was so lit. That shit
was fucking litty from the titty city. It was fucking. Bro. You know real talk though
like I like wouldn't know a lot like a major handful of the people I do and I wouldn't
have the friendships that I do because of that place. So like. I agree with that. I
understand the bullshit of that place but I also understand like the real shit that I
actually care about from that place. So it's kind of like a government like you don't ever
want to judge the people by what their leadership is doing. You just want to judge the leadership.
Yeah. Like I get it. People are gas. Yeah. The leadership is very watered down and very
weak. Yeah. I hear that. Just as you know no filters right. Just as individual people
it's not really like the way they practice business. They're just like you know if there
was someone that had a spine of concrete and the spine of silk I would say that Dutch Bros
leadership is probably the spine of silk. Yeah. Like being real. Yeah. I also the wind would
fold that shit. On the other hand though I do like there are a lot of people just like
like you said the government there's a lot of people in the leadership that are fucking
legit. Yeah. I mean no hear me out. If they if they fold for the sake of a position or
a dollar price for 100 percent I'm talking like managers people who don't have a say
in that shit like leadership they're still in leadership. They got to say get a new job.
For sure. OK. You know what I'm trying to basically I'm trying to be positive with it
not that you're not. I'm saying basically I'm trying to be positive with this. I'm trying
to say like I appreciate and don't be cynical. No we love you Steve and that's something
that you should never change because you're you and we love you. But I just like straight
up appreciate a lot of the shit that came out of Dutch Bros. No I do too. That's all.
And honestly like I will say this I would credit the culture there to the leadership
in this amount right here. They knew the type of person they wanted to hire but they knew
never knew what that would amount to. And I would say that it's the people on the ground
level that are talking to the customers every day making them laugh making them smile when
they're sad being there for a conversation piece when they need it or even a hug. Like
I've given tons of people hugs just going out there seeing people like you can just
see it on their face. Those are the people that built Dutch Bros not the people that
read spreadsheets. Hey facts that's straight up. Wow we got deep. It did get a switch it
up. Yep. Yep. Yep. Talk about my front wiping or something. Switch it up. Hurry. We're all
getting uncomfortable here. Oh my God. Real shit. Oh shit. No I'm scared. Oh no. Fuck
yeah. Rob's gonna need a rash cream after the front wipe he had this week. It's true.
Not true. He was telling me actually this morning that his fucking started to scab up.
Wow. Not not not true at all. It's a little true. There's something to it. OK. Yeah. Embellish
embellish all you want. I don't know. I am so not an embellisher. I am so not a front
wiper. It's not embellishing. It's it's fact seeking based off the surrounding evidence.
Fuck you guys. But I love you. It's not very nice. Oh OK. Yeah it's not very nice. You're
right. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I'm done. I'm just kidding. Yeah. I was like I am so not a quitter
dude. I'm back. No he wants to give a fuck. What do you say. He wants to be a part of
this. I do. Mommy didn't raise no quitter. Mommy didn't raise no bitch. You want to know
what. When I smoke cigarettes that was what I always said. Because we were like why don't
you quit. I'm like. With an accent. Mama didn't raise no bitch. Mama didn't raise no ho. Yeah.
Mama didn't raise no ho. We don't want no ho shit. That ain't it. That ain't it. Mama
didn't raise no ho. Come on mama ain't no ho. Yeah. Your mom's not a ho. YG fucking
said it best. YG is a shout out. YG if you're watching this keep coming out with banger
shit dude. Who do you love. Or at least come out with one more banger. At least come out
with one more banger. Shots fired. All right Rob what's your HIC. Being called a front
wiper. Don't do it. If you do it I will walk off this podcast. Don't say it again. Front
wiper. Fucking throw my headset. No I'm kidding. It takes a lot to actually like fucking get
on my bad side. A lot. It's true. As you can tell Rob's a very patient man. Yeah. Thank
you. What do you mean by that. No I'm kidding. Just like keep saying the same shit. I know
what you mean by that but. What do you mean by that. I think one of my biggest HICs is
when people lie. I know that sounds cliche but no. That's not even cliche. Literally
anything though. That's true. That pisses me off. Just be straight up. That's my biggest
HIC. Just general. No yeah. With anything. Girlfriend boyfriend, husband wife, friend,
mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin. Don't care who you are. If you fucking lie about anything
shut the. You're kind of a pussy. Yeah. And your life's boring. Yeah. My mom. Stop being
a bitch. Raised me to tell the truth. She was the. Shout out Jen. Yeah. She's mom. She
was the coolest mom. Is the coolest mom. It's my second mom. She's the coolest. She's the
coolest. Growing up like I got to do a lot of cool shit. If I wanted to do something
crazy it was OK. I just had to always tell. Tell. Tell her what was going on. Be honest
so she knew you were hurt. She knew where. And if my brother or sister any of them are
listening to the shit you guys know you fucked off because you lied and then you got fucked
up by mom. Shout out Jocelyn and Dylan baby. Idiots. Just tell the fucking truth. Straight
up. No for real though. That's. That's what I told my wife. When we like when we first
started talking I was like doesn't matter what it is. The first thing I. This isn't
the first thing I said to her. The first. Don't ever lie to me. Yeah. She's like hi
I'm Nicole. You're like don't ever lie to me. You ever lie to me. I'll fucking freak out.
One of the one of like the one of the red flag. Yeah. One of the real talks that we
had one of the first real talks. It was like all I ask is just don't lie to me. And don't
cheat on me. That's it. No I agree. Because lying like communication is everything. Feelings
heal but trust is not. Yeah. It's true. It's very true. Unfortunately it's very true. Yeah.
So you know. Cheers to that boys. No no no. That is it. My beer was empty. But this cup.
That ain't it. Be gentle with those ones. Yeah. We don't want to break them. Thank you
guys. Be gentle. I don't do this very often. Yo. He's like that's an egg. No I'm kidding.
I love you. I'm fucking with you. But yeah. Real talk. Thank you guys so much. Yes. Appreciate
you guys. You guys listeners for sticking around who the amount of support we've had
is that it has been a while like a viral amount which no care about that. But I'm like for
all my homies who've texted me. We love you guys. My friends everybody like the amount
of like support even if it's from two people. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's fucking awesome.
We appreciate it. And the thing that we realize is that even when you're not being paid time
is not free. Doesn't matter. We appreciate your time. 100%. It's all about the experience
baby. We try our best to value it too by putting out hilarious good wholesome content. Not
so wholesome. Yeah. It's fucked off most of the time. It's kind of like full. It's kind
of like fulsome content. Shout out Johnny Cash. Nitty gritty and dirty. Fulsome. Fulsome.
Nah. Yeah. Have you lived there? Dumpster fire. No. Fulsome's nice. You know fulsome's
nice. It's pretty. They have one of the gnarliest maximum security prisons in the country. Shout
out Johnny Cash. Wait is that the right one? Shout out fulsome prison. OK I was right.
Is that the right one? You already know daddy has to be. Is that the right one? I'm a nerd.
I know everything. I'm Jay. Really? Sorry. Love you. We're signing off. Alright guys
thank you so much. Yup. Thank you guys. Tune in every Wednesday baby. Appreciate you guys.
Tune in. I put the PP on hold for you. I love you. Yeah my bladder hurts too. I feel Steve.
My fucking bladder is weak. Tune in next week. Burn in baby. OK guys. Sorry. God damn. Thank
you again. Love you guys. Alright. Peace out. Later.