An honest conversation coming at yet today because
this mama is excited for the New Year because
looking back at this last year, what a year it
has been. We have added so much to our community.
We have added so much to our family life. In
case you missed it, we added a new baby to our
family. So I am now mom to five precious babies
and I say babies. My oldest is almost 16. So
I should probably stop calling them babies because
they are there they're getting pretty big but
we do have a fresh baby in our home she was born
mid -November right before Thanksgiving and it
has been just a precious time snuggling with
her getting to know her and losing sleep oh you
guys I'm I'm I'm tired I'm just gonna say it
but as the cliche sayings go this time does not
last forever and it will soon be over right so
I'm hanging on to that I am enjoying the cuddles
the sweet moments I'm enjoying watching my my
10 -year -old daughter experience our home with
a little baby. And that's been really neat. So
in today's podcast, I thought I would share some
of these changes and what they have looked like
for me because they have not been easy. I would
like to share maybe some of the challenges and
some of the ways that I was able to show up in
spite of things being hard. because sometimes
it's just nice to know that you are not alone
in the Hark. We are all mamas, we all have our
hard days, we all have our hard months perhaps.
I know I did, and it's just nice to know that
you are not alone, that you're not going crazy,
that it is all part of just motherhood, part
of life, and that there are ways that we can
still show up even if we are not 100%. Mamas
of multiple kids, you know that pregnancies can
be so different. One from the next, right? I
had my first four when I was very young, and
I had them back to back. They were all about
two years apart. And while there were a few differences
in all of them because your body changes, they
were all pretty similar. One of the facts that
I remember about being pregnant with my first
four was that I loved being pregnant. I did.
I always said, if I could just stay pregnant,
I would I would have loved that back when I was
between 20 and 25. I didn't really have complications
and honestly pregnancies were pretty easy. And
now fast forward about 10 years, my body has
told a different story, which I find a little
ironic because I have never been healthier in
my entire life. I in the last three years I have
taken my health. I've really gotten serious with
it. I have taken the foods that we have consumed,
and I've gone down that rabbit trail. We've eaten
better, we've eaten cleaner. We take care of
our bodies in a different way. I mean, I'm going
to chiropractic care. So I think I assumed that
being pregnant this time around would be about
the same, and if not better, because I was in
a better state, just physically and in a healthier
state. So I think I was really surprised when
the pregnancy did not go that way. To give you
a little perspective, to quote my oldest son,
he said, Mom, this whole year I wondered, what
happened to my mom? Because this is not the same
person. So just to give you a little insight
as to where I was, the best ways to describe
it would probably be mental fog, emotional checkout,
and physical exhaustion. I'm going to insert
a little tangent here, a little side story. I
was married to my first husband for six years
and we had three boys and I was pregnant with
my little girl whenever I lost my first husband.
He had a heart condition and we just happened
to be spending a week at the beach with family
and friends when he went to play in the ocean
and the waves were a little rough that day. The
intensity of the waves was just a little too
much that day, and it caused his heart to just
bottom out, honestly, and had a seizure in the
water. By the time we found him, it was... He'd
been underwater. We don't know how long. So we
ended up in ICU for a week. His body did not
recover from the seizures and the water intake
and whatever else, you know, complications. So
a week later, we lost him. Here I was, mom of
three boys pregnant with my little girl, which
I didn't know that it was a little girl. So that
was a sweet surprise later on. And a very, very
short snippet into this time of life. I was a
single mom for about seven years with my four
kids. And I never thought that my little girl
would be my last baby. So... that the longing
in my heart for more kids was always there. It
was an ache, an ache that I couldn't satisfy
because I was now a single mom. So for all those
years, I just laid it down before the Lord and
said, your will be done. And I didn't know what
the future would hold. I didn't know if I would
remarry or not. I didn't know if there would
be more kids or not. And so it was something
I couldn't control. So I just had to leave it
up to God and say, it is yours. You know the
cry of my heart. Here it is. And he tenderly
held that for seven plus years. So fast forward
sometime I met my now husband, Caleb, and him
and I decided to get married. So here I was remarried.
And a few years in, we discussed having more
kids. This could be a whole nother side podcast.
but we discussed it with the kids and we waited
till everyone came around to the idea or that
they were okay, I guess, with the idea in their
hearts. When everyone was on board, we decided
to add another one. And I say all this because
sometimes, sometimes our longings, our dreams,
our hopes, our hearts' desires are put on hold
for so long that we think that God has forgotten
or that it will never come to fruition. And sometimes
it might not. Sometimes the answer is no. But
there's a difference, I think, for carrying a
dream so hard that it weighs you down and carrying
a dream in your heart and laying it before the
Lord and saying, Your will be done and leaving
it there and walking away and continuing on with
your life. and not expecting answers, not expecting
a solution now, not expecting it all to be better
in the moment, but just laying it down gently
before the Lord and letting Him carry it for
you. I know for the first few years I carried
it, and I was so heartbroken. I mean, my little
girl stopped nursing at seven months old. Seven
months old, she just one day woke up and decided
she was done. And here I was wanting to soak
up what I thought was my last child, my last
pregnancy, my last baby in my arms to nurse.
I was going to soak it up past seven months old.
I mean, we were going to nurse as long as we
needed. And here she was, she woke up and said,
I'm done at seven months old. And I had to process
that loss. So I carried this dream, this desire
really hard and I held on to it so hard for so
many years and it wasn't till I laid it down
and I said all right God I do not know I do not
know what the future holds I cannot see but you
can and you can see my desire right now so I'm
going to give it back to you and I enjoyed my
kids my four kids That's what I had, and I was
very content with that. There was still that
desire there, but it wasn't weighing me down.
And I enjoyed my kids greatly. We lived life
in the moment. We laughed. We played. We adventured.
We traveled. We moved countries. We did things.
And all the while, God tenderly held that dream
of mine. So this pregnancy was an answered prayer.
It was so much more than just adding another
baby to the family. It was years of tenderly
holding a loss. It was years of my heart longing
for something that I didn't know would happen.
And I stepped in fully aware of all of these
things and fully expectant to embrace every area,
every flutter, every thought, every movement,
everything about this pregnancy. I expected to
step in and have the best experience that I had
ever had while carrying my child. I started reading
The Mama Natural, week by week guide to pregnancy
at childbirth by Genevieve Howland, and I was
doing all of the things. I was following it down
to the last thing she was suggesting. making
sure to get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water
and electrolytes, all of the things that I knew
to do, and yet in spite of all of that, things
started to change. I'm not exactly sure on timelines,
but I was around a week, probably 15, 16, when
I got a call from my midwife letting me know
that my platelets were low, which is not a big
deal if you're planning a hospital birth, but
I was not. I was planning a home birth. And for
those of us wondering what in the world platelets
are, let me explain it to you really quickly.
It is the cells in our blood that help us clot
and not bleed out and not hemorrhage. So whenever
you are doing a home birth or any kind of birth,
a hospital or other, is very important to have
platelets enough to help you clot and not hemorrhage.
So a very important part of this process. And
I've got to say, I love my midwife so much. She
was on it. She gave me a list of things to start
taking immediately to start bringing my platelets
up. And we had a few months to get this done.
So the things she put me on were not fun to take.
They were disgusting. They tasted horrible. And
it was going to be months of this. But you know
what? I was committed to doing everything that
I could in this pregnancy to make it amazing
and show up well for the birth. I felt really
good about it. I was excited to have natural
remedies to help bring my platelets up and I
was determined to be active the rest of my pregnancy.
I was saving videos of ways that I was going
to exercise and move my body and around week
maybe 20. I started going downhill fast. It felt
like every week that went by there was something
new to deal with. Which, if you have a very independent
spirit and you tend to be a figure it out yourself
kind of gal, like I am, this can be very challenging.
As the weeks went on, I had to start depending
more and more on my husband and on my kids. And
to put it simply, I was barely able to show up
physically and mentally. and I guess emotionally
for my family. Now, if you know anything about
me, you know that I do things intentionally.
It is the heart behind pretty much everything
I post, everything I write, and everything I
do at home. I try to show up intentionally in
all areas of life. Now, do I get that perfectly?
No, don't misunderstand me here. But this is
what I try to do. So going on months of not being
able to show up intentionally, of not even being
able to make, to meal plan, to do traditions
that we would normally do, it made this season
of life not only hard, but it crushed my heart
because I was not able to show up in the ways
that I knew that I wanted to for my kids and
my husband. And this is where I played the mom
guilt card. It would show up at the end of the
day when I was going to bed playing through the
events of the day and I saw how much I had missed
or how many times I wasn't able to show up. It
would come out when I would study our family
life and see all the things that I was failing
at, all the things that I needed to step in and
help or conversations I needed to have, but I
honestly did not even have the capability to
do that. The mom guilt weighed so heavily on
me. But this is where I think is so awesome to
have a community around you. I have a friend
who is really, really good at encouraging and
so often she would find the little things. She
would see the little things that I would miss
because I was so overwhelmed by all of the big
things that I couldn't do. And she would constantly
point those out to me. As soon as I would start
going down the list of things that I couldn't
accomplish, she would quickly bring out something
that I was doing, something she noticed that
I was doing. I am forever grateful for my friend
Abby in this season and the way she encouraged
me, the way she shored me up and prayed over
me when the days felt long and hard. Mama, find
you a community, find you a friend, one friend
who can come alongside you in the hard days and
encourage you to push you to keep going because
hard days are inevitable. I know this, you know
this, but a friend, someone who sees how hard
you are trying even when it doesn't feel like
it, someone who speaks life into your heart,
That is a precious thing as we are showing up
every day in our motherhood journey. So friends
I would say was one of the ways I was able to
show up even when my body was not letting me
show up. My friends I had a couple who just surrounded
me with prayer and encouragement and I can say
they helped me get through. Another very simple
way that I was able to show up in this season
of life was seeing the things that I could control.
There was so much that was out of my control,
but there were still quite a few things that
I could do something about. It looked like drinking
enough water every single day. That was such
a small decision. It was something I could do,
something I knew I could get up and do, even
if it meant sometimes asking my kids to bring
me water. But I looked at the tasks that needed
to be done and assessed the ones that I could
do every single day, show up in small ways. I
wasn't able to show up in the big ways that I
really wanted to, but I could show up in the
small ways for my body, for myself, for my family,
and that made a really big difference in how
I showed up. Simply choosing the little things.
Choosing to be faithful in the little things
in spite of not being able to be really faithful
in the big things. Something I had to keep reminding
myself over and over was this is a season. This
is a season. It will soon be over. We will soon
be on the other side of that hill. All the physical
things that I am dealing with right now will
soon be over. It is a season. Sometimes you just
have to pep talk yourself. Sometimes you just
have to look at yourself in the mirror and talk
to yourself and say, this is a season or whatever
you need to hear. Sometimes our friend saying
it is not enough. We have to believe it. And
this little phrase helped me know that it would
soon be over. It might have felt like the longest
stretch, but it's just a season. Friends, I share
all of this, not just to tell a story, but to
encourage your mama heart, so that, like I said
at the beginning, you know you are not alone.
You may be walking a hard season right now in
motherhood, in your own life, in your personal
life. But you are not alone. There are so many
of us out there who struggle with depression,
with anxiety, with fears, doubts, with mom guilt
and comparison, exhaustion and mental fog. Pick
any one of those and you will have a group of
moms who can sympathize because they've either
been there or they are there right now. And for
those of us who are there right now, I would
like to end today with a prayer over us. Lord.
I lift up the mama listening right now who feels
like she's just barely treading water. In the
middle of this hard season, would you meet her
in the quiet moments, even if that's just a few
minutes in the driveway? I pray that you would
calm her anxious thoughts, lighten the heavy
load she's carrying, and remind her that she
doesn't have to be perfect to show up for her
family. Give her strength for today. Give her
hope for tomorrow. and let her feel seen, let
her feel known by you and deeply loved. In your
son's name we pray. Amen. I'm so grateful you're
a part of this community, Mama. If today's episode
spoke to your heart, would you mind sharing it
with another mom who might need a little extra
grace today? And remember, I'm always hanging
out on Instagram. over at ellieandtheboys .co,
sharing life behind the scenes of our messy real
-life moments. Come and say hi if you have a
minute. See you in the next episode.