Welcome to the Light Keepers podcast. I'm Clayton
Vandiver, your Light Keeper, with a show dedicated
to everyone who wants to get the most quality
out of life that they can. My co -host is always
Charlene, our very own licensed clinical social
worker certified in the state of Florida. And
she joins our conversation this week about the
warning signs that may lead to your very own
silver alert situation. We'll have that and so
much more on this edition. of the Light Keepers
Podcast. Before we start, please leave your questions
or comments below. We love to hear from you.
Questions this week will be answered during our
next show that appears online every Wednesday
evening at 7 p .m. Eastern. The Light Keepers
podcast is an exclusive production of A Guiding
Light, and we'll tell you more about A Guiding
Light at the end of the podcast. We don't have
much time, so let's get right into this week's
conversation about those warning signs that may
lead to a silver alert situation. some experience
we've both had with silver alerts and what they
are so we'll skip past that for right now but
the warning signs that may give you a little
bit of heads up that a memory issue is it's a
really gentle slope you sometimes don't even
notice that and that's the whole point of the
show today is talking about how sometimes we
can have a loved one that does have some memory
deficits that they may be very successfully concealing.
One of the interesting things about individuals
with a memory issue, think early stages dementia,
Alzheimer's, things like that, they develop crutches
because what happens is this confusion comes
on so gradually that they're able to develop
coping mechanisms that While it's helping them
to cope, it's also concealing the problem. It's
concealing the illness and it's concealing the
symptoms. And I'll give you a wonderful example.
We both had a family member that we knew something
was wrong. Something wasn't adding up. But every
time we took them to the doctor, they were able
to tell what day of the week it was, what date
it was, the month. Everything. And then we realized
that they were getting it off of the newspaper
they were having delivered every day. When they
missed the payment on the newspaper delivery,
all of a sudden they didn't know what day of
the week it was. They didn't know what month
it was. And it took that crutch out from underneath
them. It gave away a situation that we suspected.
but really didn't have any hard and fast knowledge
of what was going on. It, again, comes on very
gently and very gradually. And as I talk to family
members who do have loved ones or a loved one
with a memory issue, one of the key things that
keeps coming up is how there were warning signs
along the way that they missed. they did come
up so gradually that their loved one was able
to develop those crutches, those coping skills.
And a lot of times these crutches, these coping
skills can pull the wool over the family's eyes
and even the doctor. That's true. That's true.
So very often, at least in that particular case
we're discussing, many close friends... members
of the church who had known this person for decades,
known the family for decades, honestly thought
that we were crazy, suspecting that there might
be a problem. But they knew there was a problem,
and they kept looking at me at the same time
saying, why aren't you doing something? And it's
a very uncomfortable situation that, hey, there's
something going on. We all know it. What do you
do? Where do you turn? Right. This is one of
the reasons we're reaching out now with information
to the World Wide Web through the Light Keepers
podcast because we've gained a lot of light.
Light is known in many cultures and over many
centuries. It's been sort of an analogy to knowledge,
to the ability to understand things. So as a
light keeper, believe me, this is a topic I've
got a little light on. Yeah. I didn't want to
be illuminated in this way. I'll be honest with
you, it was a painful illumination. Well, and
it can be. But the important thing is we, through
our experiences, can help other people to recognize
and maybe handle things a little differently,
a little better. Help others avoid some of the
pitfalls that we fell into. I certainly hope
so. A little bit more understanding and a little
bit more knowledge on the part of those friends
and family members who really had no idea what
was happening on a daily basis. Those were the
people that I wish had been watching the Light
Keepers podcast all along. But again, it's so
gentle, it's so gradual. It can be. And the coping
skills that people develop are so good sometimes
that... Well, for instance, I know someone else
who was actually in a relationship with someone
because they were using that person as a crutch,
if I recall. Yes. That actually that person,
who had perfectly sound mental faculties, was
sort of leading them around and allowing them
to cope in so many ways. And the sad thing is,
is neither individual recognized their role in
the relationship. They thought that it was a
mutually affectionate relationship. But the truth
of the matter is, one of them was a crutch for
the other one. Yeah. And the important thing
here is to help people understand the warning
signs, the things to look out for. What should
we be looking for? You might notice is a slip
in personal hygiene. Okay. People who have dementia
and Alzheimer's and other memory related issues.
They forget to brush their teeth. They forget
to take the shower. They forget to change their
clothes. They forget to do laundry. And so they
may be wearing clothes that are soiled. Or inside
out. Or inside out. Or maybe even something that's
also commonly seen as the wrong season. If you
have someone who's wearing long sleeves in the
middle of June, or conversely, short sleeves
in the middle of January, this is an indication
that they may not be in the right place. And
we do acknowledge for those listeners and viewers
in Australia, in South America, We understand
you've got it all backwards. We're compassionate
and we're understanding. And a little jealous.
And a little jealous, quite honestly, yeah. I
mean, who wouldn't want to go to the beach and
have a barbecue on Christmas Day? It happens.
Absolutely. But the personal hygiene is a good
first indicator. Another good indicator is when
you have someone who's... frequently getting
dates mixed up now i'm going to be the first
one to admit well it happens to all of us sometimes
it happens to all of us everyone who's busy who
has a really uh you know active life and a lot
going on absolutely he's going to get and you
say oh that's just you know i'm getting older
it happens to all of us no no it isn't natural
for everyone but when you have someone who consistently
repeatedly is getting ready for sunday church
on a thursday or they're calling you going hey
we had dinner plans tonight and the dinner plans
were two days ago or two days in the future Or
they make the dinner a couple of nights before
you're actually scheduled to have it and they're
really bent out of shape because you didn't show
up. Right. That happens. So when you have that
happening repeatedly, consistently, that's a
huge red flag. It is. Now that brings up another
issue too is you do have the risk. when you have
someone with memory issues their diet can also
be significantly affected and their health but
not in the ways that most people think you know
nutritionally that can bring on some of those
nutritionally can actually correct some of those
so you know take some of that away very true
but what can happen for people who have memory
issues that live alone is they may forget to
eat They may forget that it's dinner time and
they're still in their mind. They just got through
with breakfast. Never thought of that. But more
importantly is you can also have a situation
where they prepare a meal and then they leave
it sitting on the stove and they forget to eat
it. And then hours later, thinking they just
cooked it, they go back to eat it. Now it's sat
out and now they're sick because they've accidentally
poisoned themselves. Yeah, it doesn't take all
that long at room temperature for something that
has sat on the stove and has been turned off,
if they remembered to turn it off, and has just
sat there at room temperature for many, many
hours, Lord forbid, possibly even until the next
day. Yeah. And then... Oh, I just fixed that
because they remember that they just made it
and they go ahead and cook it. So if you have
someone who's frequently experiencing symptoms
of food poisoning, that would be a red flag.
Again, consistency is... What kind of things?
Bad stomach distress? Gastrointestinal distress.
Okay. not feeling well. Something to maybe mention
to the primary care doctor when you take them
in about their stomach issues is mention, you
know, they may not have been eating the food
that's as good or as fresh. Maybe it's been in
the refrigerator and it's gone way past its expiration
date. And the kitchen can be a great place to
find a lot of red flags because not just what
you cook. But look at the expiration dates on
things in the refrigerator and in the cabinet.
Because people who do have memory issues, they're
not going to be able to keep up with those expiration
dates. And they're not going to be able to keep
up with, oh, the milk's going to go bad next
week, so I need to replace it. Right. They're
not going to be able to manage that. Or when
they do go shopping and they buy things that
they just bought yesterday and didn't remember.
So if you look in the refrigerator and you find...
20 or 30 sticks of butter, you find enough milk
to feed an entire nursery of children. No, that's
probably not appropriate for a single person
living on their own. That's a red flag. Why do
you have so much? Then the defensive mechanisms
come out. And that's the other thing is, you
know, recognizing the red flags, that's only
step one. Step two. How do you approach the topic?
Oh, my gosh. The individual that you're talking
to is going to get defensive. It's going to happen.
And like is not. It's someone that you have always
your entire life. As long as you have lived,
it has been a relationship where they have been
the authority figure. And now they're not. Well,
and there's a lot that can be going into this.
That's a huge dynamic to deal with. Well, not
just the change in dynamic, but you also have
someone who deep down knows that something is
wrong. And so they're afraid. Memory care issues
are a great thing of putting people back into
a primal response. Just as an example, pointed
out a few weeks ago, we were talking about my
uncle up in the Carolinas, who I discovered by
editing a news story fed by CBS and editing it,
that my cousin was on camera being interviewed
because his dad had gone missing, my uncle, and
I recognized that. And it's important to note
that no one really was suspecting that he was
going to get in the car to go to church that
day and then never arrive. Well, the day before,
actually. His church was a mile away. He had
driven there thousands of times. He wound up
two states away. The whole time thinking consciously,
he knew he'd done something wrong. He knew something
was wrong, like we were just saying. He wound
up two states away, sleeping in his car periodically
to rest, just pulling off on the side of the
road. But he kept thinking, and thankfully he
was found safe and he could report this to us,
but he kept thinking, if I stop and ask for directions
and admit that I'm lost, because nothing looks
familiar to me, they'll take my driver's license
away. There will be a bad repercussion for what
I've done. So he didn't. He just kept driving,
thinking something will eventually start looking
familiar. But he didn't recognize that he was
two states away when they finally found him.
And the challenge there is when they feel deep
down that there is something wrong, that loss
of independence is a very real fear. And it's
compounded if you have someone who doesn't have
a support system, who doesn't have that network
in place. So one of the best things that you
can do is approach it at an angle of safety.
Okay. Reassure them, hey, mom, I've been noticing
some things that concern me, but I just want
to make sure you're safe, okay? You're not doing
anything wrong. I just want to make sure that
you're safe. So can we maybe just get it checked
out? It's probably nothing. It's probably nothing,
but I'd feel better if we knew. And, you know,
depending on your relationship with that relative,
feel, sort of, because of my experience and because
of the experience my cousin had with my uncle,
his dad. It might be easier when women are compassionate
and have a close relationship with that mom or
dad or parent. Us guys don't have that. Men don't
like to express those emotions, express those
feelings, to go compassionately saying, Gee,
I know that we might be having some little...
We're not going to couch it like that. A guy's
going to walk up and say, Hey, Dad, you better
give me car keys. You're having a problem. And
it won't go well, let me tell you. It will not
go well. That is a wonderful start to a disaster.
Because we're not all social workers. We're not
all compassionate. And we're not all that close
to that relative, but we want... to be concerned
for their safety. Right. That relationship may
have degraded because of the memory issues. We
don't know. The important thing is to approach
it from the angle of safety. Reassure them that
that is your top priority, that there is no goal
of taking anything away from them. You just want
to make sure they're safe. Reassure them that,
hey, if there is something going on, They have
medications for that now. Absolutely. And the
sooner it's caught, the better. Dangle that carrot
of hope. And you know, there's a very popular,
very popular dramatic series that we watch frequently
that dealt with this same issue themselves. And
in the final moments of it, the grandfather that
they were trying to talk the car keys away from
admitted that he couldn't give them to him. he
could not give up those car keys because he'd
already given the car and the car keys to his
daughter -in -law who had their car was damaged
and they needed a new car he'd already given
it away because he said he ran into a portion
of the garage backing it out to give it to them.
So driving is another area where red flags, I
mean, if you have someone who's got a lot of,
you know, minor fender benders bumping into things,
but also if they've taken the same route to the
same place every day for the last 20 years and
now all of a sudden that 15 -minute drive is
taking them 30, it's not because of road construction.
Even though they may claim that. Or taking 45
or an hour. Or perhaps you see them slowly drive
past your house, but they never stop. Yeah. And
they call you 45 minutes later saying that they
didn't feel that well, had a little headache,
and just decided not to come over that day. Never
knowing that you watched them drive past. These
are huge red flags. Huge red flags. And I'm speaking
from experience. We had that happen. Yep. So...
Believe me, it's a tough, tough conversation.
We truly applaud that network that wrote that
dramatic series and included that very serious
issue into its script. Because it's a hard conversation
to have. It is. No one wants to diminish their
freedom. No one wants to have car keys taken.
And the funny thing is, is as difficult as that
conversation was, it was held with someone who
still had 100 % use of their mental faculties.
And there's the point. They had just diminished
in their, I guess, physical. uh movement a tiny
bit vision maybe maybe vision maybe hearing maybe
just spatial relationship but they didn't have
the altered but they didn't have the altered
exactly the memory issues so you combine that
into everything else and you have the potential
for a silver alert. Leave some comments at the
bottom of the screen. Leave your comments, your
questions, because I know we've all experienced
this. It's a tough thing. It's a tough conversation
to have. And we certainly want to share that
with you. and give you an opportunity to weigh
in we'll talk about this again sometimes and
perhaps bring in some folks who may deal with
memory issues on a very regular basis yeah and
you know i'd be interested in hearing if anybody
out there has encountered this and they've successfully
handled it with their loved one Write to us.
Tell us how you did it so that we can share that
with others that might help them too. Exactly.
Exactly. Of course, it's all a very highly personal
choice and no conversation that we have on the
Light Keepers podcast should ever take the place
of your own medical care team or other professional
advisor who should always be consulted by you
on your specific situational needs. And it's
always good to be willing to talk about quality
of life because every single one of us will face
some of these issues someday, either not prepared
at all or very well prepared indeed from joining
us right here on the Light Keepers podcast. This
is an exclusive production of Vanimation Studios
brought to you by A Guiding Light. 501c3 nonprofit
organization dedicated to education and information
that allows informed preparation for living the
very best life possible. Now, if you'd like to
make a contribution to that nonprofit charity,
The address is right here on the screen, but
you can also leave a PayPal donation using the
links and the QR code that is available for you
on our audio podcast listing there or on our
YouTube page. Visit the website at a guiding
light dot org. And we're so very grateful for
your support. We sincerely hope you will join
our conversation in coming weeks and add your
questions and comments below. Speaking of that,
take a moment right now, hit the like and subscribe
buttons, that's free, and turn on that notify
bell so you'll catch every single episode. I'm
Clayton Vandiver, your Light Keeper. We'll see
you next time.