WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.980
This episode is brought to you by Thorne, the

00:00:01.980 --> 00:00:04.860
industry leader in nutritional solutions. Now,

00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:07.759
Thorne is actually trusted by eight US national

00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:11.019
teams and championship teams in the NFL, NBA,

00:00:11.259 --> 00:00:13.859
and Major League, as well as recently becoming

00:00:13.859 --> 00:00:16.420
the official sports performance nutrition partner

00:00:16.420 --> 00:00:20.579
of the UFC. So when it comes to supplements,

00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:23.879
the tactical athlete space and the athletic space

00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:27.079
need two things. We need efficacy, meaning the...

00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:29.100
Products do what they say they're going to do

00:00:29.100 --> 00:00:31.460
on the label. And then we need to trust the fact

00:00:31.460 --> 00:00:33.140
that we are not going to fail either athletic

00:00:33.140 --> 00:00:36.479
drug tests or work -related drug tests. Now,

00:00:36.500 --> 00:00:38.920
Thorne has actually been around since the 1980s,

00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:41.280
where they were used by physicians and hospitals

00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:43.759
for nutritional supplements for the patients.

00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:47.240
They were so successful that athletic teams and

00:00:47.240 --> 00:00:49.479
even special operations teams reached out to

00:00:49.479 --> 00:00:51.600
them and they started supplying them as well.

00:00:51.899 --> 00:00:54.299
Very recently, they actually opened their doors

00:00:54.299 --> 00:00:56.679
to the general public. Now, what sets Thorne

00:00:56.679 --> 00:00:58.840
apart is they manufacture their own products

00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:01.600
in a state -of -the -art NSF certified facility

00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.900
in South Carolina. They use only the purest possible

00:01:04.900 --> 00:01:08.159
ingredients formulated with no stearates or arbitrary

00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:10.959
fillers in the cleanest manufacturing process.

00:01:11.379 --> 00:01:13.700
Most of you listening come from profession where

00:01:13.700 --> 00:01:15.799
it can take its toll physically and mentally.

00:01:15.900 --> 00:01:19.099
And many of us are not able to bolster our nutrition

00:01:19.099 --> 00:01:21.900
purely with the food that we eat. And that's

00:01:21.900 --> 00:01:24.500
where supplementation comes in. So if you're

00:01:24.500 --> 00:01:26.319
ready to maximize your health and performance,

00:01:26.519 --> 00:01:30.859
visit thorne .com, T -H -O -R -N -E .com. Take

00:01:30.859 --> 00:01:33.159
a short product quiz to be paired up with the

00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:36.079
perfect health and fitness supplements. And for

00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:39.299
you, the audience, if you use the code BTS10,

00:01:39.819 --> 00:01:43.840
behind the shield 10, BTS10, you will get 10

00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.760
% off your first order. And if you want to learn

00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:50.260
even more about Thorne, go to episode 323 of

00:01:50.260 --> 00:01:52.209
Behind the Shield podcast. And you will hear

00:01:52.209 --> 00:01:55.310
my interview with Wes Barnett and Joel Totoro

00:01:55.310 --> 00:01:59.870
from Thorne. This episode is sponsored by 5 .11,

00:02:00.109 --> 00:02:02.349
a company that I've used for well over a decade

00:02:02.349 --> 00:02:05.870
and continue to use to this day. And 5 .11 is

00:02:05.870 --> 00:02:07.909
offering you guys, the audience of the Behind

00:02:07.909 --> 00:02:10.710
the Shield podcast, a discount on every purchase

00:02:10.710 --> 00:02:13.389
you make with them. Before we get to that code,

00:02:13.569 --> 00:02:15.110
I want to highlight a couple of products that,

00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:18.979
again, I personally use today. One of the most

00:02:18.979 --> 00:02:21.240
impressive products they just released is their

00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:25.219
Rush Backpack 2 .0. Now, for many of you, whether

00:02:25.219 --> 00:02:26.680
you're going to the fire station, the police

00:02:26.680 --> 00:02:28.379
station, whether you're traveling with your family,

00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:31.219
whether you're taking training courses, we have

00:02:31.219 --> 00:02:33.360
to fly, we have to drive, we have to take trains.

00:02:33.900 --> 00:02:36.599
And I have to say, I own multiple backpacks,

00:02:36.599 --> 00:02:39.500
many of 5 .11's different ones. But as far as

00:02:39.500 --> 00:02:41.639
a day pack, this one was the most impressive.

00:02:42.180 --> 00:02:44.539
There are so many different compartments. The

00:02:44.539 --> 00:02:46.639
way it sits on your back is incredibly comfortable.

00:02:46.740 --> 00:02:49.360
If you are a concealed carry person, there's

00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:52.000
also a spot for a weapon. So they've thought

00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:54.800
of multiple, multiple things that a man or woman

00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:57.319
would have to do on a daily basis. That is in

00:02:57.319 --> 00:02:59.900
addition to all of the products that I talk about

00:02:59.900 --> 00:03:03.360
a lot. Their uniforms fit for men or fit for

00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:06.539
women in the first responder professions. The

00:03:06.539 --> 00:03:08.500
footwear that they offer, whether it's the Norris

00:03:08.500 --> 00:03:10.759
sneaker or the Atlas system that is designed

00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:13.520
for foot health and therefore knees and back

00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:16.719
and hips and shoulders and neck. As a civilian,

00:03:16.819 --> 00:03:18.699
I live in a lot of their clothes as well. Their

00:03:18.699 --> 00:03:21.039
jeans stretch. You can actually squat down in

00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:23.250
them. We live in Florida here, so I wear a lot

00:03:23.250 --> 00:03:25.669
of their shorts, which again, very, very lightweight

00:03:25.669 --> 00:03:27.530
material. You can get it wet and it will dry

00:03:27.530 --> 00:03:30.310
almost immediately. And then moving to the fitness

00:03:30.310 --> 00:03:32.689
and tactical space, I used to have just a regular

00:03:32.689 --> 00:03:35.349
weight vest. Recently, I switched to a 5 '11

00:03:35.349 --> 00:03:37.710
vest and actually bought ballistic plates as

00:03:37.710 --> 00:03:40.050
well. My thinking was simply, if I'm going to

00:03:40.050 --> 00:03:42.050
have a vest, why not have one that protects me

00:03:42.050 --> 00:03:44.289
as well? And that tack vest is trusted by law

00:03:44.289 --> 00:03:47.030
enforcement all around the country. So I mentioned

00:03:47.030 --> 00:03:48.789
they were going to offer you a discount code.

00:03:49.180 --> 00:03:52.199
So if you go to 511tactical .com and enter the

00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:56.680
code SHIELD15, S -H -I -E -L -D -1 -5, you will

00:03:56.680 --> 00:03:59.680
get 15 % off, not just that one purchase, but

00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:02.159
every time you visit their store. And if you

00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:04.439
want to learn more about 5 .11, their mission,

00:04:04.580 --> 00:04:08.139
their products, then listen to episode 338 of

00:04:08.139 --> 00:04:10.860
the Behind the Shield podcast with the CEO and

00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:15.360
founder, Francisco Morales. Welcome to episode

00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:18.379
467 of Behind the Shield podcast. As always,

00:04:18.420 --> 00:04:20.379
my name is James Geering, and this week it is

00:04:20.379 --> 00:04:23.620
my absolute honor to welcome on the show Tori

00:04:23.620 --> 00:04:26.519
and Anthony Gonzalez. Now this is going to be

00:04:26.519 --> 00:04:29.360
the first part of a two -part series I'm doing

00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:32.519
on the attacks in Parkland, Florida at Marjory

00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:35.660
Stoneman Douglas High School. As many of you

00:04:35.660 --> 00:04:37.259
that have followed the podcast for a while know,

00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:39.779
I did a similar thing on the Pulse attacks a

00:04:39.779 --> 00:04:42.720
few months ago. And the whole goal is to get

00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:45.920
the voices, the actual men and women, and in

00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:48.139
this case, children that were involved in the

00:04:48.139 --> 00:04:51.120
incident. What breaks my heart when we have an

00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.220
event in schools, especially, is it becomes almost

00:04:54.220 --> 00:04:58.879
immediately a media frenzy and a political polarization

00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:04.199
on gun control or pro -guns. And the actual voices

00:05:04.199 --> 00:05:08.579
and the trauma of the people involved are pretty

00:05:08.579 --> 00:05:11.279
much discarded. for these conversations to be

00:05:11.279 --> 00:05:14.579
had. So their stories are lost. Their ability

00:05:14.579 --> 00:05:18.439
to process and grieve is pushed aside so that

00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:21.360
cameras can report on the event and politicians

00:05:21.360 --> 00:05:25.040
can kind of push their agendas. So I wanted to

00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:28.519
tell the story of the people. Now, Anthony and

00:05:28.519 --> 00:05:31.279
Tori's story is incredibly powerful for a couple

00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:34.139
of reasons. Firstly, Tori was at the high school

00:05:34.139 --> 00:05:37.120
as a student. Her boyfriend, Joaquin Oliver,

00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:41.120
was one of the 17 murdered. Tori's father, Anthony,

00:05:41.420 --> 00:05:43.839
was one of the responding firefighters and was

00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:45.959
acting as battalion chief that day, so was one

00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:49.319
of the first officers on scene. So you have a

00:05:49.319 --> 00:05:52.540
double parallel. You have responder and victim

00:05:52.540 --> 00:05:54.939
slash patient, and then you also have father

00:05:54.939 --> 00:05:57.959
and daughter. So you can imagine how harrowing

00:05:57.959 --> 00:06:01.199
that must have been. So learning from the children,

00:06:01.339 --> 00:06:03.319
the kids that were at the school, learning from

00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:05.939
the responders, we can take away lessons. We

00:06:05.939 --> 00:06:08.600
can hear the stories of the people in the school

00:06:08.600 --> 00:06:11.459
and we can take that human element and apply

00:06:11.459 --> 00:06:14.459
it to our own communities as parents, as responders,

00:06:14.579 --> 00:06:17.579
as teachers, and hopefully prevent or at least

00:06:17.579 --> 00:06:20.689
be prepared for. an event like that happening,

00:06:20.829 --> 00:06:23.610
God forbid, in our own towns or cities or counties.

00:06:24.230 --> 00:06:26.569
So before we get to that conversation, as I say

00:06:26.569 --> 00:06:28.529
every week, please just take a moment, go to

00:06:28.529 --> 00:06:30.750
whichever app you listen to this on, subscribe

00:06:30.750 --> 00:06:33.829
to the show, leave feedback, but most importantly,

00:06:33.930 --> 00:06:36.470
leave a rating. I don't do this for some sort

00:06:36.470 --> 00:06:39.029
of accolades. Every single five -star rate in

00:06:39.029 --> 00:06:41.889
the podcast gets, it elevates it on the kind

00:06:41.889 --> 00:06:44.189
of virtual ladder, therefore making it easier

00:06:44.189 --> 00:06:47.050
to find, more visible for others. And this is

00:06:47.050 --> 00:06:50.740
a free library. for you, planet Earth. And so

00:06:50.740 --> 00:06:53.300
all I ask is that you help share these incredible

00:06:53.300 --> 00:06:55.620
men and women's stories so I can get them to

00:06:55.620 --> 00:06:58.319
everyone else who needs to hear them, because

00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:02.019
I know many of these episodes will save lives.

00:07:03.180 --> 00:07:07.399
So with that being said, I introduce to you Tori

00:07:07.399 --> 00:07:29.730
and Anthony Gonzalez. Enjoy. I just want to say

00:07:29.730 --> 00:07:32.410
thank you. We're sitting here and everyone listening,

00:07:32.529 --> 00:07:34.589
yes, there is a soundtrack in the back. There's

00:07:34.589 --> 00:07:37.009
not a band playing. We're just in a quiet corner,

00:07:37.230 --> 00:07:39.329
jungle out the window. It's beautiful. But yes,

00:07:39.430 --> 00:07:42.290
there is a soundtrack playing. But we're in Fort

00:07:42.290 --> 00:07:45.250
Lauderdale. I'm sitting with Anthony and Tori.

00:07:45.370 --> 00:07:49.689
Thank you so much for trusting me to talk to

00:07:49.689 --> 00:07:52.209
you today. Oh, you're very welcome. All right.

00:07:52.230 --> 00:07:54.370
So I want to start at the very, very beginning.

00:07:54.589 --> 00:07:59.079
So that means... Your dad. So, Anthony, tell

00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:01.040
me where you were born and then tell me about

00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:03.220
your family dynamic, what your parents did and

00:08:03.220 --> 00:08:07.240
how many siblings. Well, I was born in Long Island,

00:08:07.300 --> 00:08:11.180
New York, Smithtown area where I grew up. And

00:08:11.180 --> 00:08:16.319
a total of five of us in the family. And the

00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:18.779
dynamic was my dad was always a worker and my

00:08:18.779 --> 00:08:20.639
mom did work for a little while, but it got to

00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:22.519
a point that I can't remember because I can only

00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:25.550
remember back so far. But it became a while where

00:08:25.550 --> 00:08:28.930
she was, you know, she was the caretaker of the

00:08:28.930 --> 00:08:31.089
family, if you will. Took care of everybody like

00:08:31.089 --> 00:08:34.529
most moms do, you know. So that's what I remember

00:08:34.529 --> 00:08:38.070
a lot about her. So the dynamic was the caring

00:08:38.070 --> 00:08:39.870
and whatnot and the dad always working. So I

00:08:39.870 --> 00:08:41.490
don't know if you can kind of get that perspective

00:08:41.490 --> 00:08:43.789
of that's what I was kind of used to. And, you

00:08:43.789 --> 00:08:46.409
know, my brothers, we were all three brothers

00:08:46.409 --> 00:08:49.070
and two sisters. So the three of us kind of did

00:08:49.070 --> 00:08:51.809
our thing, my oldest brother and whatnot, normal

00:08:51.809 --> 00:08:57.360
pranks. you know, in fights, you know, you got

00:08:57.360 --> 00:08:58.840
that kind of stuff. And, you know, my sister

00:08:58.840 --> 00:09:01.440
and my oldest sister, they kind of did that thing

00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:05.919
too. So it wasn't, I don't know, kind of point

00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:07.460
of dynamic of them. I mean, we were just being

00:09:07.460 --> 00:09:10.519
typical kids, you know, growing up. And I don't

00:09:10.519 --> 00:09:12.879
remember anything crazy happening drastic wise

00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:15.360
or, you know, it just seemed to me like a normal

00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:19.549
childhood. Right now, you're obviously very fit

00:09:19.549 --> 00:09:23.129
even now. We seem to become similar age. So back

00:09:23.129 --> 00:09:24.970
then, what kind of sports were you playing as

00:09:24.970 --> 00:09:27.629
a kid? Well, I was a little bit of a shot kid.

00:09:28.570 --> 00:09:32.350
The shine is still kind of there today, but if

00:09:32.350 --> 00:09:34.549
you would have seen me then and see what I am

00:09:34.549 --> 00:09:35.809
now, you wouldn't think I'm the same person.

00:09:35.809 --> 00:09:38.090
You're an extrovert now. Maybe that's what it

00:09:38.090 --> 00:09:39.389
is. You grow up, you learn to deal with some

00:09:39.389 --> 00:09:41.789
things. But back then, I tried out Little League

00:09:41.789 --> 00:09:43.009
for a little while because I loved baseball.

00:09:43.129 --> 00:09:46.240
I still love baseball to this day. That was where

00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.840
I was at, you know, playing in the yard with

00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:51.759
my Tonka trucks and, you know, I was a boy's

00:09:51.759 --> 00:09:53.679
boy playing in the yard with matchbox cars, this

00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:56.340
whole thing. So, you know, it was baseball was

00:09:56.340 --> 00:09:58.259
really the only thing that I got into. I did

00:09:58.259 --> 00:10:00.360
a little bit of high school football and, I mean,

00:10:00.419 --> 00:10:03.100
during recess kind of thing, but not much stuff

00:10:03.100 --> 00:10:05.639
other than that. Right. Now, what about career

00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:08.419
aspirations? Were you influenced by any responders

00:10:08.419 --> 00:10:11.519
in family and or were you even dreaming of being

00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:14.909
a firefighter as a kid? Well… To be honest, going

00:10:14.909 --> 00:10:16.870
through high school, actually when I first started

00:10:16.870 --> 00:10:18.250
high school, I wanted to be a heavy equipment

00:10:18.250 --> 00:10:22.070
operator. So, that was kind of my drive. But

00:10:22.070 --> 00:10:24.470
living in a town of nothing but volunteer fire

00:10:24.470 --> 00:10:25.690
departments, you know, you'd hear the whistle

00:10:25.690 --> 00:10:28.309
go off. I would, at the same time, would chase

00:10:28.309 --> 00:10:30.789
fire trucks. See when I hear them coming and

00:10:30.789 --> 00:10:32.190
we'd go, you know, on my bike and go ahead and

00:10:32.190 --> 00:10:34.230
chase them down to see what they were doing.

00:10:34.289 --> 00:10:36.649
So, there was, you know, that little subtle interest

00:10:36.649 --> 00:10:39.129
at times. But, you know, my desire was to be

00:10:39.129 --> 00:10:40.889
a heavy equipment operator. Even on my high school

00:10:40.889 --> 00:10:43.850
ring, there's a bulldozer on it. Really? So,

00:10:43.850 --> 00:10:46.730
but I get to do that today, believe it or not.

00:10:46.789 --> 00:10:49.230
It kind of comes back, circle back into me doing

00:10:49.230 --> 00:10:51.870
operating some heavy equipment that I do today.

00:10:51.950 --> 00:10:54.429
And when we get to that point, I can touch into

00:10:54.429 --> 00:10:57.629
what I do with that. But I think the neighborhood

00:10:57.629 --> 00:10:59.950
might, the lady, or excuse me, the gentleman

00:10:59.950 --> 00:11:01.970
that lived across the street from me was the

00:11:01.970 --> 00:11:03.690
old ex -fire chief of my fire department at the

00:11:03.690 --> 00:11:05.929
time where I joined. But I did join the volunteer

00:11:05.929 --> 00:11:07.669
up there. That's what kickstarted the career.

00:11:08.529 --> 00:11:11.279
His son was down the street on the corner. and

00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:13.179
then the guy to the left of him, if you're facing

00:11:13.179 --> 00:11:14.759
his house, was a volunteer, so he would always

00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:18.139
leave with the blue light on, going to the firehouse,

00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:19.500
and you hear the whistle go off, so you know

00:11:19.500 --> 00:11:22.639
there was a call. It was there. Maybe that was

00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:24.220
a little seed that just started getting planted,

00:11:24.220 --> 00:11:26.000
and it just grew. I'm the only one in my family

00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.299
that's a firefighter. Now, I always ask volunteers

00:11:29.299 --> 00:11:32.860
this. Some people volunteer, and they live in

00:11:32.860 --> 00:11:38.200
BFE, as people like to call it, and it's totally

00:11:38.200 --> 00:11:42.559
justified. One -stop sign, a post office, and

00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:45.919
50 houses. One square mile was my town. But what

00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:48.000
I find in the U .S. a lot of times now is that

00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:50.580
you'll find volunteer fire departments in areas

00:11:50.580 --> 00:11:52.399
that are very densely populated where we probably

00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:54.700
should have a career department. What was the

00:11:54.700 --> 00:11:56.460
dynamic? What was the kind of layout where you

00:11:56.460 --> 00:11:58.139
were? Pretty much similar to that. Like I said,

00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:01.220
we're one square mile. I don't remember the population

00:12:01.220 --> 00:12:04.460
by any means, but it wasn't a lot of people.

00:12:06.169 --> 00:12:07.669
Long Island, where I'm from, there was nothing

00:12:07.669 --> 00:12:10.149
but volunteer fire departments. So, some areas

00:12:10.149 --> 00:12:11.669
were a little more populated than others, but

00:12:11.669 --> 00:12:13.769
it's the culture, I guess you could say, for

00:12:13.769 --> 00:12:17.009
the Long Island area. As you get a little closer

00:12:17.009 --> 00:12:19.429
to the city, where you'd have that transition

00:12:19.429 --> 00:12:21.789
to FDNY and obviously the city firemen versus

00:12:21.789 --> 00:12:23.850
the volunteers, which is still strong today.

00:12:24.309 --> 00:12:26.830
So, I guess that's just the neighborhood. Even

00:12:26.830 --> 00:12:29.029
if it's grown, they're still going to stay volunteer,

00:12:29.110 --> 00:12:31.649
to my knowledge. Now, they have trouble responding

00:12:31.649 --> 00:12:33.470
to calls, just like some volunteer fire departments.

00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:38.919
I guess for us, Coral Springs, we were a volunteer

00:12:38.919 --> 00:12:41.120
for a while when I first moved here. So tell

00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:45.000
me about that. I moved here and, like I said,

00:12:45.019 --> 00:12:48.799
I started in Nesconcet, was where my fire service

00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:52.659
career kind of kicked off. And that was about

00:12:52.659 --> 00:12:54.240
a year and a half, almost two years of a volunteer

00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:57.580
up there, and then we moved here. My father wanted

00:12:57.580 --> 00:13:00.500
a new start, so we came down here and then come

00:13:00.500 --> 00:13:02.220
to find out. We moved here in 91. It wasn't but

00:13:02.220 --> 00:13:04.580
for a few years later that I found out. Because

00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:05.940
like you just mentioned, you would think the

00:13:05.940 --> 00:13:09.080
town that we lived in was paid because of the

00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:11.120
size and all the amount of people that we had.

00:13:11.159 --> 00:13:14.100
We had 1 ,000 people in there. So when I moved

00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:16.019
here, it wasn't in my mind that I was always

00:13:16.019 --> 00:13:19.399
told or known to be a career -oriented county.

00:13:20.179 --> 00:13:21.960
So I come to find out a few years later that

00:13:21.960 --> 00:13:26.019
it was volunteer. So I joined in 95 to five years

00:13:26.019 --> 00:13:28.179
of volunteer to getting hired in 2000 to where

00:13:28.179 --> 00:13:31.259
I am today. So you volunteered for the county,

00:13:31.299 --> 00:13:33.360
then got hired for the city? Actually, I volunteered

00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:35.179
for Coral Springs, and then they made the transition

00:13:35.179 --> 00:13:37.919
of paid rescues, which is an ambulance for some,

00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:41.440
depending on where you are, and then to the full

00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:43.980
paid fire department in the year 2000. Beautiful.

00:13:44.100 --> 00:13:46.879
Well, I'm talking to Chris. I already have spoken

00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:49.639
to Chris and Frank. I have to re -speak to Chris

00:13:49.639 --> 00:13:52.759
and Frank because of a technical error. But,

00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:55.539
you know, they have a... You know, an interesting

00:13:55.539 --> 00:13:57.379
story within that department, within that city

00:13:57.379 --> 00:14:00.200
that I think a lot of people should mirror. You're

00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:03.460
in training now. So when you look back in hindsight,

00:14:03.720 --> 00:14:05.679
what was your training like and what were the

00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:08.100
fitness standards like when you got hired? It

00:14:08.100 --> 00:14:10.519
was a little dynamic. We volunteered because

00:14:10.519 --> 00:14:12.840
it's volunteer slash to the career side of things.

00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:16.299
Training was the station I happened to be at,

00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:18.820
which is Station 71, has a training tower there.

00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:21.960
Or scheduled nights, which, forgive me, I can't

00:14:21.960 --> 00:14:23.059
remember off the top of my head. I want to say

00:14:23.059 --> 00:14:24.399
it was Wednesday nights we would go and train.

00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.860
And I don't want to say there was some old guys

00:14:27.860 --> 00:14:29.740
there, full -on beards. You know, it was a definitely

00:14:29.740 --> 00:14:32.379
different atmosphere back then, volunteer versus

00:14:32.379 --> 00:14:34.899
career. You know, career has a lot more stringent

00:14:34.899 --> 00:14:38.179
rules, no facial hair, you know, for reasons,

00:14:38.539 --> 00:14:40.480
the policies and the PA, et cetera, et cetera,

00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:43.960
stuff like that. But there was a variety of,

00:14:44.039 --> 00:14:48.580
jeez. I'm trying to think about some of the people

00:14:48.580 --> 00:14:49.639
that I'm dealing with because some people were

00:14:49.639 --> 00:14:52.740
out of shape. But because it's – if you want

00:14:52.740 --> 00:14:54.820
to go – maybe I should ask the question to you

00:14:54.820 --> 00:14:56.840
is you want to talk about volunteer side of it

00:14:56.840 --> 00:14:59.779
or you want to talk about the career or just

00:14:59.779 --> 00:15:01.820
blending it together because volunteer was different.

00:15:01.899 --> 00:15:05.799
Any schmo, no offense, could fill out an application,

00:15:05.940 --> 00:15:08.419
pass the test or whatnot and come on in and volunteer.

00:15:08.460 --> 00:15:11.019
I mean the intent is there. So I say schmo. I

00:15:11.019 --> 00:15:13.519
don't mean disrespect to schmo. It's just people

00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:16.350
want to volunteer some time. You can meet certain

00:15:16.350 --> 00:15:19.509
qualifications. You can become a volunteer. Obviously,

00:15:19.610 --> 00:15:21.950
career is a little bit more stringent. And being

00:15:21.950 --> 00:15:25.850
an instructor for a while and seeing people develop,

00:15:25.970 --> 00:15:31.950
you wonder how some people do it. But to get

00:15:31.950 --> 00:15:33.629
back to your question, I guess I totally went

00:15:33.629 --> 00:15:37.049
off the topic there. The training has obviously

00:15:37.049 --> 00:15:39.750
improved. It's 100%. I mean, from what it was

00:15:39.750 --> 00:15:42.029
to what it is today, the care of the individual,

00:15:42.250 --> 00:15:47.539
making sure that you're – you know, you're healthy

00:15:47.539 --> 00:15:50.659
on all levels. You know, there's a lot more investment

00:15:50.659 --> 00:15:52.419
in the individual. Maybe that's the long or the

00:15:52.419 --> 00:15:54.100
short of it. Sorry for dragging it out. No, you

00:15:54.100 --> 00:15:56.059
didn't drag it out. I think that's one of the...

00:15:56.059 --> 00:15:57.740
A lot of things in my mind to try to process

00:15:57.740 --> 00:16:00.320
it all and think about a lot of things and what

00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:02.019
to say, what not to say without upsetting anybody.

00:16:02.220 --> 00:16:04.299
Oh, we also got the guy serenading us from the

00:16:04.299 --> 00:16:07.879
speaker. Yes, that's got a guy too. No, but it's

00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:10.980
one of those things that is a thing. Like, who

00:16:10.980 --> 00:16:14.820
is going to show up? to rescue your child is

00:16:14.820 --> 00:16:17.139
it going to be someone who may be volunteer maybe

00:16:17.139 --> 00:16:19.539
career who's taken their job seriously and is

00:16:19.539 --> 00:16:22.000
in shape and is trained and is an environment

00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:25.500
that's enabled them to thrive or like you said

00:16:25.500 --> 00:16:28.899
is it career or volunteer who hasn't been held

00:16:28.899 --> 00:16:31.679
to a standard who is deconditioned who has a

00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:33.559
giant beard where they can't even get a seal

00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:36.620
on the mask you know whatever it is um so you

00:16:36.620 --> 00:16:39.759
know it's a hard thing to navigate because In

00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:41.580
reality, the standard should be the standard,

00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:43.799
but it is harder to ask people that you're not

00:16:43.799 --> 00:16:47.539
paying a penny to show up to be at that standard.

00:16:47.960 --> 00:16:50.980
Conversely, I find it very hard to understand

00:16:50.980 --> 00:16:53.259
why we can't ask people that we pay to be firefighters

00:16:53.259 --> 00:16:56.080
to hold a standard, and that happens in a lot

00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:58.580
of places around the world too. I will say that

00:16:58.580 --> 00:17:01.639
our organization, for being a volunteer, we were

00:17:01.639 --> 00:17:06.279
very professional for volunteer. We were uniforms.

00:17:07.589 --> 00:17:13.069
We would try to set a certain tone as professionals,

00:17:13.470 --> 00:17:18.789
but they had very high standards. I don't want

00:17:18.789 --> 00:17:20.630
to make it seem that people didn't. It's just

00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:22.690
a different classification of people that you

00:17:22.690 --> 00:17:24.430
would attract, I guess you could say, volunteer

00:17:24.430 --> 00:17:27.809
versus career. Again, I feel like I put some

00:17:27.809 --> 00:17:29.190
people down. I don't want anybody to take it

00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:33.750
that way. There was a lot of dedication. You've

00:17:33.750 --> 00:17:37.579
got to look at a volunteer person. versus somebody

00:17:37.579 --> 00:17:39.119
of a career they're doing it for nothing that's

00:17:39.119 --> 00:17:41.619
got to speak volumes of their spirit and you

00:17:41.619 --> 00:17:43.759
know their personality what they're willing to

00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:46.380
do for nothing absolutely yeah i had a bunch

00:17:46.380 --> 00:17:48.539
of guys from canada that on here that are all

00:17:48.539 --> 00:17:51.400
volleys and they're putting out content and training

00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:53.200
all the time and you know they have their own

00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:55.700
podcast i mean it's it's incredible so you have

00:17:55.700 --> 00:17:59.240
that that diverse spectrum from you know people

00:17:59.240 --> 00:18:01.799
who are probably a liability on a fire to some

00:18:01.799 --> 00:18:04.980
volunteers that you would choose any day over

00:18:04.980 --> 00:18:06.819
some career people that don't take their job

00:18:06.819 --> 00:18:10.660
seriously. I can see that. Yeah. All right. Well,

00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:13.039
let's bring Tory into the picture. So tell me

00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:16.480
when you became a father. Well, when we were

00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:18.339
born? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:23.599
December 18, 2000. We're not too far from my

00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:25.480
birthday, which is New Year's Eve, so the whole

00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:29.420
world celebrates me for a little while. But it

00:18:29.420 --> 00:18:33.480
was Tory. Paint it back a little bit. I married

00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:37.880
my wife and she had three children before Tori

00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:40.339
came along. So we had three, you know, people

00:18:40.339 --> 00:18:42.400
poke fun or I even poke fun a little bit where

00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:45.680
it's Insta family, just add Anthony, you know,

00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:48.619
and, you know, my wife at the time wasn't able

00:18:48.619 --> 00:18:51.460
to get pregnant. So, and I didn't care. It wasn't,

00:18:51.460 --> 00:18:54.480
you know, I was very happy with what I had and,

00:18:54.539 --> 00:18:58.599
or what I have, excuse me. And. You know, I was

00:18:58.599 --> 00:18:59.940
going to take it. She's like, I can't have kids.

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:01.079
She didn't want to marry me, the whole thing.

00:19:01.140 --> 00:19:04.140
So, you know, lo and behold, a little while later,

00:19:04.220 --> 00:19:06.920
after dating for a little while, she wants me

00:19:06.920 --> 00:19:10.019
to come home for whatever reason. And I didn't

00:19:10.019 --> 00:19:12.599
think anything of it. Then she left the little

00:19:12.599 --> 00:19:14.500
thing out and said she wanted to show me. And,

00:19:14.539 --> 00:19:16.400
you know, I kind of blew it off because that

00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:18.700
was the last thing on my mind because of what?

00:19:19.099 --> 00:19:20.859
She had a medical condition and she wasn't able

00:19:20.859 --> 00:19:24.460
to get pregnant normally. So, lo and behold,

00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:28.519
she shows it to me. you know? And it was a little

00:19:28.519 --> 00:19:30.000
bit of a, you know, I don't want to say tiff,

00:19:30.039 --> 00:19:31.440
but there was, she was a little disappointed

00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:32.720
that I didn't come home because it was exciting.

00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:34.940
But again, it was the last thing on my mind.

00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:36.220
So, you know, I still, maybe there's a little

00:19:36.220 --> 00:19:38.599
guilt there that I have that I kind of brushed

00:19:38.599 --> 00:19:40.779
it off a little bit. I probably shouldn't have,

00:19:40.839 --> 00:19:43.200
but again, and then lo and behold, so with that,

00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:45.519
it was kind of, we was treating it as a miracle

00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:48.380
child because, you know, she was not supposed

00:19:48.380 --> 00:19:50.359
to happen. Yeah. But she was coming in this world

00:19:50.359 --> 00:19:53.789
regardless. Amazing. So that's where we're at.

00:19:53.930 --> 00:19:55.410
I mean, this is where we are today. Obviously,

00:19:55.509 --> 00:19:56.849
we'll talk a little bit more about it, but I

00:19:56.849 --> 00:19:58.569
don't want to steal her thunder. No, well, let's

00:19:58.569 --> 00:20:02.369
swing over to Tori. So one thing I've only had

00:20:02.369 --> 00:20:04.750
really perspective once, and that's my own son

00:20:04.750 --> 00:20:07.809
talking about what it's like to be a child in

00:20:07.809 --> 00:20:10.970
a firefighter family. So tell me about that growing

00:20:10.970 --> 00:20:14.210
up. What was that like for you, that family dynamic

00:20:14.210 --> 00:20:16.829
that probably a lot of your friends didn't really

00:20:16.829 --> 00:20:20.900
get to experience, good and bad? I let my friends

00:20:20.900 --> 00:20:23.000
in a little bit. They got to sit in the truck

00:20:23.000 --> 00:20:26.000
or do whatever. They loved that my dad was a

00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:28.519
firefighter. I always went around from as young

00:20:28.519 --> 00:20:31.759
as I can remember. My dad's a hero. My dad saves

00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:35.039
lives. I was boasting to everyone. My dad's so

00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:37.720
cool. He does this. He does that. He's a hero.

00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:39.400
Literally, that's all that I would say about

00:20:39.400 --> 00:20:41.960
my dad. And I would cry every morning that he

00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:45.160
left because he'd be gone for so long. Definitely

00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:48.900
a daddy's girl. But I've always been proud. I

00:20:48.900 --> 00:20:51.319
think that's the biggest thing. I always held

00:20:51.319 --> 00:20:56.319
pride in knowing that not everyone can say that

00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:59.420
their family literally saves lives for a living.

00:21:00.259 --> 00:21:02.099
Now, what are some of the things you remember

00:21:02.099 --> 00:21:04.900
where he wasn't able to be there? Because I think

00:21:04.900 --> 00:21:07.420
you talked about guilt. One of the guilt elements

00:21:07.420 --> 00:21:09.440
of being a mother or a father in the fire service,

00:21:09.519 --> 00:21:12.339
I think, is that Christmas is a very dynamic

00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:16.000
day. It might be December 26th. Is 25th your

00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:18.920
birthday too? 31st. New Year's Eve. Okay, that's

00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:20.700
when you said about people celebrating. So we

00:21:20.700 --> 00:21:22.839
have that, like Father's Day, all those things.

00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:25.980
What are some of the things you remember where

00:21:25.980 --> 00:21:29.019
he wasn't able to be there? And maybe you were

00:21:29.019 --> 00:21:30.440
even disappointed because I think it's important

00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:34.200
to hear from the family the sacrifices that you

00:21:34.200 --> 00:21:37.809
guys make. It was definitely hard sometimes,

00:21:38.029 --> 00:21:41.450
but I can remember as the years went on, the

00:21:41.450 --> 00:21:43.230
holidays would shift that he would be there or

00:21:43.230 --> 00:21:46.069
not be there. Christmas is like his favorite

00:21:46.069 --> 00:21:49.150
day ever. Mine too. Ever. Like our whole house

00:21:49.150 --> 00:21:51.069
is lights, lights, lights, lights. The whole

00:21:51.069 --> 00:21:55.210
neighborhood is like, who lives there? So I feel

00:21:55.210 --> 00:21:56.930
like I can remember him. I feel like there was

00:21:56.930 --> 00:22:00.730
only, what, one or two years that you were not

00:22:00.730 --> 00:22:03.599
there on Christmas? Well, yeah, Christmas. That's

00:22:03.599 --> 00:22:05.299
the one I can remember. The shifts were rotating,

00:22:05.440 --> 00:22:11.619
but it's hard to actually to sit here and even

00:22:11.619 --> 00:22:13.779
for me to think about stuff. I guess I think

00:22:13.779 --> 00:22:15.420
about some of the things that I missed on her

00:22:15.420 --> 00:22:18.119
level as far as maybe her first steps and things

00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:20.779
like that for being at work. I can't remember

00:22:20.779 --> 00:22:24.960
that. It's unique for us to come to holidays

00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:28.720
because my wife is Jewish. I'm Catholic, so we

00:22:28.720 --> 00:22:32.539
celebrate everything. Yeah, why not? So there's

00:22:32.539 --> 00:22:36.039
really, you know, it's not to miss. I mean, there

00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:37.759
is a variety. So, yeah, there's some days that

00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:40.259
I was there and some days I'm not. I can't pinpoint

00:22:40.259 --> 00:22:43.599
one particular day. Very simply, though, the

00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:45.039
most that I can remember when you asked that

00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:47.720
is like maybe him not being at dinner sometimes.

00:22:47.900 --> 00:22:50.720
And that's where it's like a weird feeling at

00:22:50.720 --> 00:22:53.000
the table where he's always at the head and then

00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:55.619
he's not there. Yeah. That's the first thing

00:22:55.619 --> 00:22:58.039
that came to mind when you asked. But I think

00:22:58.039 --> 00:23:00.740
we made up for a lot of that too. I try to. You

00:23:00.740 --> 00:23:03.519
know, we celebrate holidays and we'll change

00:23:03.519 --> 00:23:04.799
them. You know, instead of celebrating the day

00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:06.460
of, we do some stuff the day before. I mean,

00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:08.539
it's still to try to make up for that. I mean,

00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:10.680
that's, you know, the nature of our business

00:23:10.680 --> 00:23:13.359
when we have to work the schedules and, you know,

00:23:13.380 --> 00:23:15.380
we don't get time off and, you know, we don't

00:23:15.380 --> 00:23:17.460
shut down like police or whatnot. We have to

00:23:17.460 --> 00:23:20.259
work, you know. other than a vacation day or

00:23:20.259 --> 00:23:21.700
a swap or a shift trade or whatever you want

00:23:21.700 --> 00:23:23.599
to call it. That's the only way you get those

00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:28.539
days off. Dial a Kelly, they call it. You get

00:23:28.539 --> 00:23:32.380
some trouble for calling it on a holiday. Well,

00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:34.660
Tori, with you, same as I asked you that. So

00:23:34.660 --> 00:23:38.190
firstly... school age, what about sports? Were

00:23:38.190 --> 00:23:40.309
you playing any sports? Were you artistic? You

00:23:40.309 --> 00:23:42.049
know, what were your passions? I was always very

00:23:42.049 --> 00:23:44.609
artistic. It took me a long time to actually

00:23:44.609 --> 00:23:46.569
call myself an artist, but I was definitely drawing

00:23:46.569 --> 00:23:49.730
and painting from a young age. The only sport

00:23:49.730 --> 00:23:52.369
I really got into was lacrosse, which I actually

00:23:52.369 --> 00:23:54.470
really enjoyed in middle school and high school,

00:23:54.589 --> 00:23:57.630
but I stopped playing because girls can be, you

00:23:57.630 --> 00:24:03.210
know, a little mean. What? Oh, yeah, yeah. But...

00:24:03.559 --> 00:24:06.259
I stopped that for a reason. I'm an artist at

00:24:06.259 --> 00:24:08.579
heart and I did that my entire life. That's all

00:24:08.579 --> 00:24:10.000
I can remember doing. Don't forget cheerleading.

00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:12.640
Oh, I was a cheerleader. I forget about that.

00:24:12.819 --> 00:24:16.559
Have you suppressed it? Yeah, I don't even. But

00:24:16.559 --> 00:24:18.079
the cheerleading for her was very active because

00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:20.460
she was a flyer. Oh, the acrobatic cheerleading.

00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:24.140
How did I forget that? Because I'm not a cheerleader

00:24:24.140 --> 00:24:27.339
at heart, but I did. I was pretty good. All of

00:24:27.339 --> 00:24:29.019
our kids did cheerleading, so every one of my

00:24:29.019 --> 00:24:31.589
girls. 12, 13 years of cheerleading. I was a

00:24:31.589 --> 00:24:34.829
cheer dad. Sorry. No, you are a cheer dad. That's

00:24:34.829 --> 00:24:37.329
what I was. He didn't miss games. That's something.

00:24:37.430 --> 00:24:41.349
He did not miss games. That's athletic wise.

00:24:41.529 --> 00:24:43.930
Between that and lacrosse. Thank you for reminding

00:24:43.930 --> 00:24:46.049
me. Yes, I did that for like 15 years. I was

00:24:46.049 --> 00:24:47.849
a cheerleader for a long time. That's a substantial

00:24:47.849 --> 00:24:52.569
amount to not mention. Oh my gosh. It just wasn't

00:24:52.569 --> 00:24:56.599
my favorite time. i did it it was tough i mean

00:24:56.599 --> 00:24:58.420
yeah yeah i'll keep going i'll let you go sorry

00:24:58.420 --> 00:25:03.220
no i'm okay on that so earlier like middle school

00:25:03.220 --> 00:25:05.980
early early high school what about career aspirations

00:25:05.980 --> 00:25:10.099
for you i went all over the place um but they

00:25:10.099 --> 00:25:13.019
were all in the same theme of healing that's

00:25:13.019 --> 00:25:16.079
always been my thing is giving back um when i

00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:19.579
was younger maybe 10 10 years old i had a pretty

00:25:19.579 --> 00:25:22.319
major surgery um of the cervical spine where

00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:27.329
oh really i had a intramedullary tumor removed

00:25:27.329 --> 00:25:29.950
like vaporized they had to like remove bones

00:25:29.950 --> 00:25:32.250
put them back put hard wire took the vertebrae

00:25:32.250 --> 00:25:34.109
took them and had to put them back in and put

00:25:34.109 --> 00:25:35.910
plates in there she had to learn how to walk

00:25:35.910 --> 00:25:39.309
again it was a nightmare yeah so waking up like

00:25:39.309 --> 00:25:43.049
paralyzed and not knowing that i have to relearn

00:25:43.049 --> 00:25:44.529
how to walk have to relearn how to feed myself

00:25:44.529 --> 00:25:48.740
and do all these things uh I remember my nurses

00:25:48.740 --> 00:25:50.859
the most and that was from then on I was like

00:25:50.859 --> 00:25:52.140
you know what I really want to work with kids

00:25:52.140 --> 00:25:54.440
I want to be a pediatric nurse I want to be that

00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:56.039
person that makes someone smile when they're

00:25:56.039 --> 00:25:58.339
going through a hard time because I I remember

00:25:58.339 --> 00:26:02.279
Sheila Sheila my favorite nurse because she just

00:26:02.279 --> 00:26:05.700
made that time so much better so much easier

00:26:05.700 --> 00:26:08.900
um being away from home too we were in uh Joe

00:26:08.900 --> 00:26:12.160
DiMaggio uh not excuse me Johns Hopkins in Baltimore

00:26:12.599 --> 00:26:14.700
Oh, wow. That's where the surgery was done. So

00:26:14.700 --> 00:26:16.579
we were there for, what, two weeks you were there?

00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:19.099
I remember being there the entire summer somewhere.

00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:21.059
Well, it was there because then we came back

00:26:21.059 --> 00:26:23.400
home, and it was Joe DiMaggio back home's rehab

00:26:23.400 --> 00:26:26.539
center. So it was, yeah. Go ahead. Sorry. But

00:26:26.539 --> 00:26:28.880
I mention that because I went back to the cheerleading

00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:30.940
field in a wheelchair to, like, learn the routine,

00:26:31.019 --> 00:26:32.779
just to sit there and watch what was going on.

00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:35.480
I went to school with a walker a couple times.

00:26:36.299 --> 00:26:40.849
Anyway, it led me to knowing that I have. that

00:26:40.849 --> 00:26:42.789
strength and that power to give to someone else

00:26:42.789 --> 00:26:47.029
um from then on it was like okay well maybe i

00:26:47.029 --> 00:26:48.730
want to be a therapist because i was in therapy

00:26:48.730 --> 00:26:51.529
from sixth grade on and and maybe i want to do

00:26:51.529 --> 00:26:53.509
this and that and maybe i want to be a vet or

00:26:53.509 --> 00:26:56.750
maybe i want to then it became art therapy maybe

00:26:56.750 --> 00:26:58.369
i want to be an art therapist because i love

00:26:58.369 --> 00:27:03.890
art and i also want to help people and now i'm

00:27:03.890 --> 00:27:06.890
a yoga teacher i'm a reiki practitioner and i'm

00:27:06.890 --> 00:27:10.019
an artist where i create healing physical healing

00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:12.519
tools so i'm i kind of put a bunch of it together

00:27:12.519 --> 00:27:15.319
but always always always my goal was to give

00:27:15.319 --> 00:27:18.700
back and to do what i can for other people so

00:27:18.700 --> 00:27:23.500
question you had the surgery at 10 yes what mentally

00:27:23.500 --> 00:27:26.559
and physically what was that journey like from

00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:29.309
i'm assuming you cheerleaded cheer led is that

00:27:29.309 --> 00:27:34.430
the past prior to the surgery what was that journey

00:27:34.430 --> 00:27:36.869
like to actually being able to fly again i mean

00:27:36.869 --> 00:27:38.990
that's a pretty traumatic surgery in a very dangerous

00:27:38.990 --> 00:27:41.029
place and to get back to that that's a hell of

00:27:41.029 --> 00:27:43.910
a journey it's crazy that that trauma has been

00:27:43.910 --> 00:27:46.329
pushed aside because of the bigger trauma and

00:27:46.329 --> 00:27:48.470
i'm still looking back sometimes knowing that

00:27:48.470 --> 00:27:52.319
i've not process that at 10 years old um but

00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:54.259
i do remember specific moments like i remember

00:27:54.259 --> 00:27:56.039
the first time getting back up in the air i can

00:27:56.039 --> 00:27:58.859
see it in my head right now like getting up there

00:27:58.859 --> 00:28:01.119
was just a half it was just a simple thing but

00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:04.039
i was like holy i'm not gonna say you can say

00:28:04.039 --> 00:28:06.259
whatever you want by the way just just in case

00:28:06.259 --> 00:28:10.640
it comes out you could i usually do so that's

00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:13.819
what i was like holy shit i really just did that

00:28:13.819 --> 00:28:15.940
and it was another moment of just being so proud

00:28:15.940 --> 00:28:20.519
uh but Definitely difficult. I can remember sitting

00:28:20.519 --> 00:28:23.480
in the hospital, unable to even sit up on my

00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:26.019
own and just seeing my mom crying on the floor,

00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:28.319
you know, next to the bed. And like that for

00:28:28.319 --> 00:28:29.619
me, like that's something that I still have to

00:28:29.619 --> 00:28:31.920
process because as a kid, I'm just like, mom,

00:28:32.059 --> 00:28:33.920
like I'm trying my hardest. Like, why are you

00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:37.640
sad? But I just know that it was all love, but

00:28:37.640 --> 00:28:42.019
definitely a physical toll. It was terrifying

00:28:42.019 --> 00:28:45.640
to not know if I was going to walk again. If

00:28:45.640 --> 00:28:47.900
I was going to have to use a walker or a wheelchair,

00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:50.900
I did use a wheelchair for a long time. I went

00:28:50.900 --> 00:28:54.339
home with it. After being a cheerleader, after

00:28:54.339 --> 00:28:56.039
doing all these things, I'm like, what happened

00:28:56.039 --> 00:28:58.160
to my legs? What happened to my neck? What is

00:28:58.160 --> 00:29:05.500
this? But really, it just showed me my strength.

00:29:05.640 --> 00:29:07.579
I'm constantly in my life being reminded of how

00:29:07.579 --> 00:29:11.019
strong I am from a young age, so I come back

00:29:11.019 --> 00:29:14.569
to gratitude for that. I can talk about the hard

00:29:14.569 --> 00:29:17.710
stuff for a long time, but I don't need to because

00:29:17.710 --> 00:29:21.890
I really see the value in that experience. Yeah.

00:29:22.029 --> 00:29:25.049
Now, how much value do you give to gratitude?

00:29:25.230 --> 00:29:28.529
I'll preface this question I put up. I like to

00:29:28.529 --> 00:29:32.130
post a lot of positive things, not blindly positive

00:29:32.130 --> 00:29:35.970
with a message, not kind of a real -world positivity.

00:29:38.700 --> 00:29:40.859
one i posted the other day someone said and it

00:29:40.859 --> 00:29:42.339
was like two or three people that joined into

00:29:42.339 --> 00:29:44.500
this little thread and i don't respond to this

00:29:44.500 --> 00:29:46.859
but it was just interesting watching i got accused

00:29:46.859 --> 00:29:50.079
i've never heard this term before of toxic positivity

00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:53.039
that is a thing but i don't believe that you

00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:55.460
do it go ahead yeah so you know but again it

00:29:55.460 --> 00:29:57.440
was like for this particular thing it wasn't

00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:01.880
at all but the point of that post was when you

00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:04.160
are truly in a state of gratitude, and I'm not

00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:06.640
saying it's easy to get there, but when you're

00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:09.099
in a state of gratitude, I personally think that

00:30:09.099 --> 00:30:11.579
it's impossible to be anxious, and it's impossible

00:30:11.579 --> 00:30:15.119
to be depressed, because whatever's going on

00:30:15.119 --> 00:30:18.339
in your life, you're sitting on that beach, looking

00:30:18.339 --> 00:30:21.400
out at the vast ocean, seagull shits on your

00:30:21.400 --> 00:30:26.039
head, whatever happens, but you're in the moment.

00:30:27.980 --> 00:30:30.980
At that moment, I think that's where we need

00:30:30.980 --> 00:30:33.140
to return. And we're so distracted by so many

00:30:33.140 --> 00:30:35.980
things. So tell me about gratitude and how you

00:30:35.980 --> 00:30:38.079
found that kind of realization within yourself.

00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:42.579
This is my whole, this is like my world put one

00:30:42.579 --> 00:30:44.880
word on it. It's gratitude. Genuinely, that is

00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:47.980
if I'm having a panic attack or feeling like

00:30:47.980 --> 00:30:50.599
I'm going to get there or I'm just overwhelmed.

00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:54.339
For me, I could just look at a single tree and

00:30:54.339 --> 00:30:59.509
say. I'm grateful that this exists that like

00:30:59.509 --> 00:31:03.009
I could go into so much on the gratitude but

00:31:03.009 --> 00:31:05.410
seriously it always brings me back to the present

00:31:05.410 --> 00:31:07.809
moment and that for me is really important because

00:31:07.809 --> 00:31:10.569
through everything we've gone through it's so

00:31:10.569 --> 00:31:13.390
easy to live in the past or to worry about the

00:31:13.390 --> 00:31:16.029
future but you really only have this one moment

00:31:16.029 --> 00:31:18.250
you really this one moment where we're sitting

00:31:18.250 --> 00:31:20.009
here at this table this is all we have we don't

00:31:20.009 --> 00:31:22.329
even have 10 minutes ago no or 10 minutes from

00:31:22.329 --> 00:31:25.529
now we have right now so why be anywhere but

00:31:25.529 --> 00:31:27.809
here and I think gratitude does that for me every

00:31:27.809 --> 00:31:30.210
single day I start my morning and I sit outside

00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:33.609
in my backyard and I look at the trees and I

00:31:33.609 --> 00:31:35.789
look at the lake and I say I'm grateful to be

00:31:35.789 --> 00:31:38.609
here regardless of the struggles yes I'm still

00:31:38.609 --> 00:31:40.829
struggling with depression but in that moment

00:31:40.829 --> 00:31:42.950
I get what you're saying that there's no way

00:31:42.950 --> 00:31:45.730
I could even be crying and say you know what

00:31:45.730 --> 00:31:48.109
I'm really grateful that I have the ability to

00:31:48.109 --> 00:31:50.630
experience this emotion like I'm human and this

00:31:50.630 --> 00:31:53.069
is this is an amazing moment to cry to release

00:31:53.069 --> 00:31:55.920
this pain you know I find gratitude in every

00:31:55.920 --> 00:32:01.400
single space that I can it is my life force yeah

00:32:01.400 --> 00:32:04.740
yes literally that's everything to me and I found

00:32:04.740 --> 00:32:08.859
it through all of this pain really because losing

00:32:08.859 --> 00:32:12.220
my best friend I always remind myself every time

00:32:12.220 --> 00:32:14.700
I get sad that oh he's not here oh he's not here

00:32:14.700 --> 00:32:18.319
I say but he was but I did get to spend that

00:32:18.319 --> 00:32:21.200
time I had every second that I did and without

00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:24.349
that I wouldn't be here so that is always that's

00:32:24.349 --> 00:32:28.269
it gratitude and it's so powerful as well because

00:32:28.269 --> 00:32:31.230
um i was talking to a friend of mine the other

00:32:31.230 --> 00:32:34.890
day interviewing him and uh there's another friend

00:32:34.890 --> 00:32:38.210
of mine who lost his son as an infant he got

00:32:38.210 --> 00:32:40.630
pediatric cancer and passed away there's another

00:32:40.630 --> 00:32:42.930
friend of mine that i interviewed that had a

00:32:42.930 --> 00:32:44.809
similar thing i think his son was three when

00:32:44.809 --> 00:32:48.250
he passed if i've got that right i still can

00:32:48.250 --> 00:32:50.369
see their faces i know their names i knew how

00:32:50.369 --> 00:32:53.920
they are because they lived on the organic matter

00:32:53.920 --> 00:32:57.240
that we are i know joaquin's name because of

00:32:57.240 --> 00:32:59.640
the story that that happened after you know so

00:32:59.640 --> 00:33:02.859
and even with the crying when i went through

00:33:02.859 --> 00:33:05.000
my divorce i was a single dad it was you know

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:08.579
i didn't experience what you did but as is we

00:33:08.579 --> 00:33:11.259
have to be careful we can't compare traumas i

00:33:11.259 --> 00:33:13.539
remember leaning into the crying i would deliberately

00:33:13.539 --> 00:33:16.690
turn on those songs Because I knew once I was

00:33:16.690 --> 00:33:18.289
done crying, you can only cry for so long. I

00:33:18.289 --> 00:33:19.950
challenge anyone out there, try crying for a

00:33:19.950 --> 00:33:22.289
month. It's not going to happen. There's a certain

00:33:22.289 --> 00:33:25.230
point where you're just done. So yeah, even like

00:33:25.230 --> 00:33:27.730
you said, the experience of that release, once

00:33:27.730 --> 00:33:31.369
you were done with that moment of grief, there

00:33:31.369 --> 00:33:33.430
was that kind of uptick again that you could

00:33:33.430 --> 00:33:35.890
kind of take a deep breath and be like, all right,

00:33:35.970 --> 00:33:39.170
I see you. I feel it now. That's an entirely

00:33:39.170 --> 00:33:41.650
different conversation that I have a lot is how

00:33:41.650 --> 00:33:43.829
important it is to express. Like so many people

00:33:43.829 --> 00:33:47.470
are afraid of. crying or afraid of being angry

00:33:47.470 --> 00:33:51.029
and it's so necessary as a human being to appreciate

00:33:51.029 --> 00:33:53.990
the range of emotions that we have to allow that

00:33:53.990 --> 00:33:55.869
because where else is it going to go if you're

00:33:55.869 --> 00:33:58.930
happy all the time you're really not you're really

00:33:58.930 --> 00:34:01.410
not yeah and there's no contrast to it i mean

00:34:01.410 --> 00:34:03.349
it sounds you know the cliche thing what there's

00:34:03.349 --> 00:34:06.190
no light without darkness but it's true as an

00:34:06.190 --> 00:34:08.230
artist you know that better than anyone yes how

00:34:08.230 --> 00:34:10.289
can we see shade if we don't know what dark is

00:34:10.289 --> 00:34:14.369
yep yeah all right well anthony i want to get

00:34:14.369 --> 00:34:19.480
to the preparation, the prior, what Coral Springs

00:34:19.480 --> 00:34:23.219
did well, the interaction between FD and PD,

00:34:23.420 --> 00:34:25.760
because I think it's an important thing. Before

00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:31.760
we do, pre -Valentine's Day, tell me about Joaquin.

00:34:31.880 --> 00:34:33.980
Tell me about what an amazing man. Tell me about

00:34:33.980 --> 00:34:36.800
how you fell in love through face paint. Oh,

00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:41.219
gosh. You fell in love with me first. He did

00:34:41.219 --> 00:34:48.409
love you. I actually just, I read a poem to my

00:34:48.409 --> 00:34:52.690
friend yesterday about this, but the second that

00:34:52.690 --> 00:34:55.389
I met this kid, it was like, there's something

00:34:55.389 --> 00:34:58.489
in you that's in me. Like, we just, we saw each

00:34:58.489 --> 00:35:07.610
other as reflections. Really, like, I don't want

00:35:07.610 --> 00:35:09.530
to get too otherworldly, but literally meeting

00:35:09.530 --> 00:35:12.739
him made me question my existence. on this planet.

00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:15.739
And I remember getting visions of like, do people

00:35:15.739 --> 00:35:17.980
come from stars? Do certain people come from

00:35:17.980 --> 00:35:19.920
this star and they're meant to meet? And it was

00:35:19.920 --> 00:35:22.820
like, I'm 15 years old and I'm sitting here thinking

00:35:22.820 --> 00:35:26.179
about this is my soulmate. Before I even knew

00:35:26.179 --> 00:35:28.739
that I had those feelings for him, I just knew

00:35:28.739 --> 00:35:30.679
that he was my person. I knew that this is someone

00:35:30.679 --> 00:35:32.860
that's going to be here. This is someone that's

00:35:32.860 --> 00:35:35.260
supposed to be here. And I never had that feeling

00:35:35.260 --> 00:35:37.679
before where it was like, this is meant to happen

00:35:37.679 --> 00:35:40.639
right now. And it was instant. It was like, I

00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:43.730
see you. I know who you are. In your eyes, I

00:35:43.730 --> 00:35:45.789
can see me. And it was a very crazy experience.

00:35:46.590 --> 00:35:49.909
Unreal. And he knew that too. It was like we

00:35:49.909 --> 00:35:52.869
didn't even have to say it. So when we actually

00:35:52.869 --> 00:35:55.610
did get together, I remember him saying, well,

00:35:55.710 --> 00:35:57.429
I was sitting trying to have the conversation

00:35:57.429 --> 00:35:59.530
like, I don't like the word boyfriend, girlfriend.

00:36:00.329 --> 00:36:01.989
That's gross to me. I don't want to say that.

00:36:02.050 --> 00:36:03.489
And I didn't know how to say that to him without

00:36:03.489 --> 00:36:06.420
offending him. And there was one day, he's just

00:36:06.420 --> 00:36:07.699
sitting there, he's like, you're not my girlfriend.

00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:10.079
And I was like, thank you, yeah, yeah. And he's

00:36:10.079 --> 00:36:13.480
like, you're my soulmate. And I said, okay, we're

00:36:13.480 --> 00:36:16.880
on the same page. But really, there are really

00:36:16.880 --> 00:36:21.039
no words for it. I forgot I mentioned the poem.

00:36:21.159 --> 00:36:25.019
So before we got together, a while before we

00:36:25.019 --> 00:36:27.019
got together, I remember writing this whole poem

00:36:27.019 --> 00:36:32.639
about life after death and life between death

00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:34.940
and rebirth. All these things that I had never

00:36:34.940 --> 00:36:36.739
even thought about. I'm 15 years old and I'm

00:36:36.739 --> 00:36:40.659
writing about living in stars and these crazy

00:36:40.659 --> 00:36:42.260
things that I couldn't even understand what I

00:36:42.260 --> 00:36:43.739
was putting on paper. So I know that there was

00:36:43.739 --> 00:36:48.280
something kind of channeled through that. But

00:36:48.280 --> 00:36:50.159
moral of that story is I know we were meant to

00:36:50.159 --> 00:36:52.960
meet and there are no true words for the connection.

00:36:53.059 --> 00:36:55.920
There is not a label that I could put on it other

00:36:55.920 --> 00:36:58.000
than soulmate if that's what's going to connect

00:36:58.000 --> 00:37:01.610
to people. But I feel like we're the same person

00:37:01.610 --> 00:37:05.590
split in two, showing each other whether it's

00:37:05.590 --> 00:37:07.530
the good things or the dark things that we need

00:37:07.530 --> 00:37:10.650
to see. Even now I see him in me, new things

00:37:10.650 --> 00:37:13.130
that show up. I'm like, he gifted that to me.

00:37:14.750 --> 00:37:16.650
There really are no words for the connection

00:37:16.650 --> 00:37:21.130
that we have, still have 100%. I see him all

00:37:21.130 --> 00:37:24.650
the time and he's there. Beautiful. Well, you

00:37:24.650 --> 00:37:27.969
met my wife before. That's my second marriage.

00:37:28.150 --> 00:37:31.829
I had the same thing. first date sitting it was

00:37:31.829 --> 00:37:34.650
we we didn't meet at a bar but we met at a bar

00:37:34.650 --> 00:37:37.190
like going through match .com and then decided

00:37:37.190 --> 00:37:40.210
to meet there kind of awkward because she said

00:37:40.210 --> 00:37:42.769
she was just going to see a band i assume with

00:37:42.769 --> 00:37:45.429
her friends so i brought a friend along she was

00:37:45.429 --> 00:37:47.190
on her own so the three of us went on the first

00:37:47.190 --> 00:37:53.210
date but yeah i mean we lived together from day

00:37:53.210 --> 00:37:55.889
two onwards it was the same thing so i can absolutely

00:37:56.759 --> 00:37:59.019
understand what you're talking about well I forgot

00:37:59.019 --> 00:38:02.400
to mention that we didn't get together like as

00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:08.260
a couple I guess quotations couple um until less

00:38:08.260 --> 00:38:10.539
than a year before Valentine's Day we were best

00:38:10.539 --> 00:38:14.320
friends though for years um and I remember him

00:38:14.320 --> 00:38:17.760
telling one of our close friends uh you know

00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:19.260
I'm just waiting till after high school I'm just

00:38:19.260 --> 00:38:21.139
waiting because I don't want anything to get

00:38:21.139 --> 00:38:24.119
in the way You know, I know that I'm going to

00:38:24.119 --> 00:38:25.780
spend my life with her. So I'm going to wait.

00:38:25.800 --> 00:38:27.099
I'm going to wait it out. And then something

00:38:27.099 --> 00:38:29.159
one day we just kissed and we're like, what?

00:38:29.480 --> 00:38:32.739
Like what? We were trying to hide this this whole

00:38:32.739 --> 00:38:37.099
time. Like it was really funny. But I'm also

00:38:37.099 --> 00:38:39.420
gratitude that that just slipped up because I

00:38:39.420 --> 00:38:42.139
don't know. We don't know what would have happened

00:38:42.139 --> 00:38:45.559
otherwise. So best friend before anything else.

00:38:46.539 --> 00:38:49.300
That's what it is. So the footage in after Parkland

00:38:49.300 --> 00:38:52.239
of the you doing the face paint on him. You guys

00:38:52.239 --> 00:38:53.980
were already friends. Was that right before the

00:38:53.980 --> 00:38:57.199
kiss then? No, no, no. But we were already friends.

00:38:57.340 --> 00:38:59.480
There was no kissing then. We were not together

00:38:59.480 --> 00:39:04.619
then. But I was just ooey gooey inside still.

00:39:04.639 --> 00:39:06.579
I was going to say, you could see the, yeah.

00:39:06.760 --> 00:39:09.059
You saw it in his eyes too. And yours. Well,

00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:12.599
yes. But he was like just somewhere else. He

00:39:12.599 --> 00:39:15.099
was somewhere else. And he was recording it.

00:39:15.219 --> 00:39:17.219
And I was like, he wanted to capture that so

00:39:17.219 --> 00:39:21.280
badly. We had special moments like that all the

00:39:21.280 --> 00:39:24.199
time, but I'm so, so, so grateful, again, that

00:39:24.199 --> 00:39:27.460
we have a lot actually captured. I have so many

00:39:27.460 --> 00:39:32.239
pictures, videos, audio messages, text messages.

00:39:33.019 --> 00:39:36.360
Yeah, irreplaceable. Absolutely. Well, and you

00:39:36.360 --> 00:39:38.880
can see through the little snapshots that we

00:39:38.880 --> 00:39:42.579
got of the outside looking in, of the love of

00:39:42.579 --> 00:39:44.679
your group, whether it was Joaquin, whether it

00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:47.639
was his team. I mean, there was just so much.

00:39:48.730 --> 00:39:52.070
So you guys are, you know, in high school. So

00:39:52.070 --> 00:39:56.909
tell me about the preparation from a responder's

00:39:56.909 --> 00:39:59.650
point of view. God forbid something like that

00:39:59.650 --> 00:40:04.429
happens. Well, our city was, I don't want to

00:40:04.429 --> 00:40:09.070
say aggressive. We started doing active killer

00:40:09.070 --> 00:40:12.670
slash shooter training years prior to this. You

00:40:12.670 --> 00:40:15.630
know, we were kind of a, I don't know if we got

00:40:15.630 --> 00:40:17.210
an insight on it or whatnot, but I remember.

00:40:17.559 --> 00:40:20.099
distinctively doing some training on more on

00:40:20.099 --> 00:40:23.559
our end is the trauma side of it patient care

00:40:23.559 --> 00:40:27.400
or pd and we kind of do some joint stuff uh prior

00:40:27.400 --> 00:40:30.300
to this but it wasn't crazy but we were a little

00:40:30.300 --> 00:40:32.159
bit more advanced i would say than some of the

00:40:32.159 --> 00:40:37.139
other departments in in the area you know but

00:40:37.139 --> 00:40:40.360
um you know i think leading up to that day did

00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:43.800
it did it help maybe it did for us because our

00:40:43.800 --> 00:40:45.920
city or some of our cops were a little bit more

00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:48.780
prepared to do what was needed then you know

00:40:48.780 --> 00:40:50.760
i don't want to i don't want to say the wrong

00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:53.860
thing but you can just if you follow the media

00:40:53.860 --> 00:40:55.400
and you pay attention to some of the things that

00:40:55.400 --> 00:40:58.480
was said it seems to be not too far off of some

00:40:58.480 --> 00:41:00.440
people that maybe it was a prepared level money

00:41:00.440 --> 00:41:02.840
finances whatever it was was a reasoning for

00:41:02.840 --> 00:41:04.820
it you could see the difference between people

00:41:04.820 --> 00:41:06.960
being prepared and then people that weren't yeah

00:41:06.960 --> 00:41:10.159
so yeah were you doing the safe training that

00:41:10.159 --> 00:41:12.619
back then Which one was it? The safe training.

00:41:12.739 --> 00:41:15.079
That's what we did up in my department. So it

00:41:15.079 --> 00:41:18.239
was the ones where a couple of medics lock on

00:41:18.239 --> 00:41:21.940
to PD. They clear a room. You go in, supposedly

00:41:21.940 --> 00:41:23.980
drag out or, you know, tourniquet, whatever you

00:41:23.980 --> 00:41:27.119
need to do. Yeah, we have SWAT medics that work

00:41:27.119 --> 00:41:28.960
for the fire department that work with PD. So

00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:31.000
they'll team up together. And then if they need

00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:36.960
a, forgive me, the name is skipping my mind,

00:41:37.000 --> 00:41:39.750
but we'll have a special assignment group. of

00:41:39.750 --> 00:41:41.449
a couple of medics that we'll tag on with the

00:41:41.449 --> 00:41:43.809
SWAT medic and officers to go ahead and, you

00:41:43.809 --> 00:41:47.110
know, treat as they would say still clear a building,

00:41:47.230 --> 00:41:49.869
if you will, treat and then maybe extract type

00:41:49.869 --> 00:41:53.050
of thing. Right. And then what about purely from

00:41:53.050 --> 00:41:56.269
a tactical medicine point of view, tourniquets

00:41:56.269 --> 00:41:58.710
in a bleeding control? Had you had more of a

00:41:58.710 --> 00:42:00.869
tactical medicine training up to that point?

00:42:00.949 --> 00:42:02.289
We have what they call an active killer bag that

00:42:02.289 --> 00:42:04.190
has the tourniquets, that has the stop the bleed,

00:42:04.210 --> 00:42:07.070
that has the gauze, the packing gauze and that

00:42:07.070 --> 00:42:10.519
kind of stuff to go ahead and treat. such injuries

00:42:10.519 --> 00:42:14.960
related to that type of trauma. Right. Okay.

00:42:15.840 --> 00:42:17.440
We all have all those now. I'm sorry, I didn't

00:42:17.440 --> 00:42:18.739
mean to interrupt, but we have that on every

00:42:18.739 --> 00:42:21.159
unit now, you know, after the fact, but we've

00:42:21.159 --> 00:42:23.320
had that stuff even prior to. Yeah, and that's

00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:25.579
what I got. So obviously, like I said, I'm redoing

00:42:25.579 --> 00:42:27.119
the conversation with Chris and Frank. I had

00:42:27.119 --> 00:42:28.800
the honor of listening to them the first time.

00:42:30.139 --> 00:42:32.800
And, you know, I know Chris from the collaborative,

00:42:32.980 --> 00:42:34.960
so I know that he's been, you know, aggressive

00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:36.719
in the mental health side and the physical fitness

00:42:36.719 --> 00:42:37.679
side. Definitely, for sure. He's doing a great

00:42:37.679 --> 00:42:44.889
job. Yeah. With the law enforcement officers

00:42:44.889 --> 00:42:49.070
that we trust with our children's lives, actually,

00:42:49.170 --> 00:42:50.869
this would be a good place to kind of put in

00:42:50.869 --> 00:42:54.090
my little personal story. So I had a couple of

00:42:54.090 --> 00:42:56.409
incidents at the kids' school. So when my son

00:42:56.409 --> 00:42:59.090
was in elementary school, like I said, I was

00:42:59.090 --> 00:43:01.429
at a doctor's office appointment, went to drop

00:43:01.429 --> 00:43:05.030
him off. Right when I got there, alarms started

00:43:05.030 --> 00:43:07.789
going off. They were told, Mr. Gearing, sorry,

00:43:07.869 --> 00:43:09.670
you have to stay in here now. They locked the

00:43:09.670 --> 00:43:12.829
doors behind me. In all the Code Red training

00:43:12.829 --> 00:43:15.090
that I'd done, this was the first time they thought

00:43:15.090 --> 00:43:17.949
they had a legitimate incident. I was in the

00:43:17.949 --> 00:43:19.969
kind of copy room, I guess you'd call it, you

00:43:19.969 --> 00:43:22.269
know, and looking at the paper guillotine, thinking,

00:43:22.289 --> 00:43:23.750
all right, I could cut this off and make a blade.

00:43:23.849 --> 00:43:26.360
And I realized at that point... how vulnerable

00:43:26.360 --> 00:43:28.360
our children are, how vulnerable our teachers

00:43:28.360 --> 00:43:30.980
are. And the only person I believe that at that

00:43:30.980 --> 00:43:32.960
moment in that school that had communication

00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:34.780
with anyone on the outside was the principal.

00:43:35.079 --> 00:43:38.219
So everyone else was just clueless, you know.

00:43:39.219 --> 00:43:43.099
So that was a terrifying insight. About three

00:43:43.099 --> 00:43:45.460
weeks later, I think it was, if I got the timeline

00:43:45.460 --> 00:43:49.179
right, this was after 2018, after what you guys

00:43:49.179 --> 00:43:53.139
went through, we had a shoot in Ocala. I think

00:43:53.139 --> 00:43:55.260
it was a very, very different dynamic personally.

00:43:55.460 --> 00:43:58.619
I think it was a cry for help. It wasn't the

00:43:58.619 --> 00:44:00.800
same intent, I don't think. It was one -shot

00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:04.519
fire, I think, at the ground as well. Weapon

00:44:04.519 --> 00:44:07.400
was placed down. Kid gave up. Thank goodness.

00:44:08.019 --> 00:44:11.599
But our town got to kind of see a snapshot. From

00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:15.679
the SRO perspective, I had an incident where

00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:21.440
my son was, as we talked about, was going through

00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:26.369
some... You know, was sad. And through some horrible

00:44:26.369 --> 00:44:28.610
choices by his principal and the SRO, he ended

00:44:28.610 --> 00:44:30.949
up being Baker active for three days, locked

00:44:30.949 --> 00:44:32.949
in a psych facility because he was crying at

00:44:32.949 --> 00:44:38.110
his desk. So I saw firsthand what the wrong person

00:44:38.110 --> 00:44:41.309
in that job can do. And as a tactical athlete

00:44:41.309 --> 00:44:43.409
myself and someone who does martial arts and

00:44:43.409 --> 00:44:45.949
shoots and keeps in shape, I know what that police

00:44:45.949 --> 00:44:48.110
officer needs to look like too. And I don't see

00:44:48.110 --> 00:44:51.389
that in my son's school. So again, not blaming,

00:44:51.530 --> 00:44:54.670
I wasn't there, but I think a very important

00:44:54.670 --> 00:44:58.969
tangent is I see that sometimes the schools get

00:44:58.969 --> 00:45:02.809
the overtime guy, the retiree, and I think it

00:45:02.809 --> 00:45:04.429
needs to be the complete opposite. I don't know

00:45:04.429 --> 00:45:07.250
if you have any thoughts on that. I think that

00:45:07.250 --> 00:45:09.250
the school would be the last place that people

00:45:09.250 --> 00:45:11.570
would think something would happen. So from their

00:45:11.570 --> 00:45:13.429
perspective is maybe that's it. Maybe the guy's

00:45:13.429 --> 00:45:15.869
riding out retirement and it's the easy gig.

00:45:16.750 --> 00:45:19.289
That very well could have been the mindset pre.

00:45:21.110 --> 00:45:24.349
valentine's day and i'm fine if he's a retiree

00:45:24.349 --> 00:45:27.989
badass but yeah i mean it changed now because

00:45:27.989 --> 00:45:30.989
you know you have from what i'm seeing you have

00:45:30.989 --> 00:45:32.769
officers now that want to be in the schools for

00:45:32.769 --> 00:45:34.530
the right reasons because they want to protect

00:45:34.530 --> 00:45:41.050
the kids and you know pre that with with our

00:45:41.050 --> 00:45:43.610
particular school is i have a we have a lot of

00:45:43.610 --> 00:45:45.170
experience with that school all my kids went

00:45:45.170 --> 00:45:48.389
there so I've had an opportunity to see a lot

00:45:48.389 --> 00:45:51.309
of officers come and go. And I can't speak for

00:45:51.309 --> 00:45:53.369
all of them other than the last one. And that's

00:45:53.369 --> 00:45:58.429
my, you know, I can voice my personal opinion

00:45:58.429 --> 00:46:04.829
about what he didn't do. And tied into training.

00:46:08.010 --> 00:46:11.269
The word I don't, the word I'm going to use is

00:46:11.269 --> 00:46:14.619
shit the bed. When it came time for him to do

00:46:14.619 --> 00:46:17.739
what he needed to do. And he didn't do it. But

00:46:17.739 --> 00:46:20.219
this is my. Those are my feelings. Nothing else

00:46:20.219 --> 00:46:22.480
is influenced by it. And I don't want anybody

00:46:22.480 --> 00:46:25.780
to take it because of what I do. But. You know

00:46:25.780 --> 00:46:28.820
it's. They're sworn that they're taking an oath.

00:46:28.840 --> 00:46:31.380
Just like I take an oath to protect. You know

00:46:31.380 --> 00:46:34.380
so I believe in that oath. And I'll do everything

00:46:34.380 --> 00:46:36.659
I can to protect. Even if it is laying down my

00:46:36.659 --> 00:46:39.139
life. I'll do that. Just as I expect him to do

00:46:39.139 --> 00:46:41.340
the same. So I'm not sure if I answered your

00:46:41.340 --> 00:46:43.380
question. Because I get a little bit of. A little

00:46:43.380 --> 00:46:45.360
off track when we talk about an in particular

00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:47.719
person that his only job is to protect the kids

00:46:47.719 --> 00:46:50.260
in the school and have their best interests and

00:46:50.260 --> 00:46:52.480
help them, mentor them. You know, they look up

00:46:52.480 --> 00:46:54.420
to us, whether it's police or fire to an extent.

00:46:54.480 --> 00:46:56.500
I mean, nowadays it's a little bit different

00:46:56.500 --> 00:47:00.039
for certain things, but those kids, you could

00:47:00.039 --> 00:47:02.340
really set them straight and put them down the

00:47:02.340 --> 00:47:05.179
right road just by being a, you know, lay down

00:47:05.179 --> 00:47:08.239
the law, but be a good officer and, you know,

00:47:08.239 --> 00:47:10.940
and actually care for people. and not just you

00:47:10.940 --> 00:47:12.340
know do the job for the right reasons i guess

00:47:12.340 --> 00:47:15.219
i don't know if i'm going off beat but yeah you

00:47:15.219 --> 00:47:17.599
know well i think that's that's just it again

00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:21.300
not picking on that one individual solely obviously

00:47:21.300 --> 00:47:23.039
is a product of his environment and everything

00:47:23.039 --> 00:47:25.280
else hiring practices training standards all

00:47:25.280 --> 00:47:27.940
these things but it's an important conversation

00:47:27.940 --> 00:47:30.639
we have to have and it's not even let's forget

00:47:30.639 --> 00:47:33.019
him about him for a second it's something i hold

00:47:33.019 --> 00:47:36.400
myself to like i always talk about There's a

00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:39.239
phrase John Spiro says, would you want you rescuing

00:47:39.239 --> 00:47:42.159
you? Great question. I prefer to go even further.

00:47:42.460 --> 00:47:44.739
How would you feel if your family died because

00:47:44.739 --> 00:47:47.139
the rescuer hadn't trained or wasn't in shape?

00:47:47.559 --> 00:47:50.420
That's the real thing. So if we're not putting

00:47:50.420 --> 00:47:53.659
the best firefighters, the best school nurses,

00:47:53.840 --> 00:47:56.139
the psychologists in the schools that know what

00:47:56.139 --> 00:47:59.599
they're doing, then we're setting our kids up

00:47:59.599 --> 00:48:01.880
for failure and obviously the ripple effect of

00:48:01.880 --> 00:48:06.289
that. When you talk about... Your son crying

00:48:06.289 --> 00:48:11.909
and being sent away and how wrong of a situation

00:48:11.909 --> 00:48:15.170
that is. That brings me to not only the resource

00:48:15.170 --> 00:48:18.190
officer, but everyone in administration. There

00:48:18.190 --> 00:48:20.929
was not one person who did their job pre, even

00:48:20.929 --> 00:48:23.250
pre -Valentine's Day with the shooter himself

00:48:23.250 --> 00:48:27.170
was always in something at school. And nobody

00:48:27.170 --> 00:48:30.750
wanted to take care of him. Nobody wanted to

00:48:30.750 --> 00:48:33.269
say, hey, kid, like, what can we do for you?

00:48:33.309 --> 00:48:35.539
It was. someone else is going to take care of

00:48:35.539 --> 00:48:37.199
you. And it was down the line, down the line,

00:48:37.199 --> 00:48:39.480
down the line. Nobody wanted to do their job.

00:48:39.719 --> 00:48:44.179
So it's beyond that. Of course, he was one person

00:48:44.179 --> 00:48:47.300
who could have done their job, but nobody did

00:48:47.300 --> 00:48:49.000
their job. So that's where it's really frustrating.

00:48:49.079 --> 00:48:50.860
That's where mental health is a huge conversation,

00:48:51.099 --> 00:48:54.760
where if there's a kid that's misbehaved, it's

00:48:54.760 --> 00:48:57.940
not because he wants to terrorize someone. It's

00:48:57.940 --> 00:49:00.780
because he's having inner turmoil that needs

00:49:00.780 --> 00:49:03.840
to be addressed. He or she. sorry yes well i'm

00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:06.340
thinking we're focusing on they they need to

00:49:06.340 --> 00:49:09.179
be addressed as a human being and that's something

00:49:09.179 --> 00:49:11.900
i struggle with a lot is that nobody just wanted

00:49:11.900 --> 00:49:15.340
to care for that person and that that was the

00:49:15.340 --> 00:49:16.900
simple thing that could have been done a long

00:49:16.900 --> 00:49:19.739
time before that yeah i think one of the one

00:49:19.739 --> 00:49:23.320
of the best questions i've heard recently and

00:49:23.320 --> 00:49:26.280
i think this is spot on people say what's wrong

00:49:26.280 --> 00:49:29.179
with you instead of saying what happened to you

00:49:29.179 --> 00:49:31.719
or how can i help you or what do you need or

00:49:31.719 --> 00:49:34.820
anything else that's the quick one that's what's

00:49:34.820 --> 00:49:36.599
wrong with you that's like the oral response

00:49:36.599 --> 00:49:38.719
if you will when somebody's not behaving a certain

00:49:38.719 --> 00:49:41.239
way it's a good point yeah because i mean when

00:49:41.239 --> 00:49:44.780
i see these events of course it's absolutely

00:49:44.780 --> 00:49:48.199
heartbroken breaking unacceptable you know there's

00:49:48.199 --> 00:49:51.699
no other emotion to have but anger and grief

00:49:51.699 --> 00:49:55.679
however the answer is to reverse engineer how

00:49:55.679 --> 00:50:00.539
did this toddler get to point x you know what

00:50:00.539 --> 00:50:02.619
i mean and if we're talking and we'll get into

00:50:02.619 --> 00:50:06.219
this you know but that's what i saw post parkland

00:50:06.219 --> 00:50:11.420
was this polarizing gun issue and in the meantime

00:50:11.420 --> 00:50:14.420
nothing's getting fixed and you guys you know

00:50:14.420 --> 00:50:18.119
14 days later are going back to school with nothing

00:50:18.119 --> 00:50:20.860
resolved somehow you know it's yeah so we'll

00:50:20.860 --> 00:50:23.940
talk about that but but one of the big things

00:50:23.940 --> 00:50:27.800
i talk about on here is reverse engineering issues

00:50:27.800 --> 00:50:30.880
that we have and also countries that are doing

00:50:30.880 --> 00:50:33.900
it better. And I think that as long as we focus

00:50:33.900 --> 00:50:38.079
on the minutiae, that's the wrong choice of words,

00:50:38.139 --> 00:50:43.820
but one singular element of a bigger picture,

00:50:44.000 --> 00:50:46.639
we're never going to find the solution. I had

00:50:46.639 --> 00:50:49.760
a guy, Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman, who's

00:50:49.760 --> 00:50:52.760
an Army Ranger psychologist, and he talked about

00:50:52.760 --> 00:50:55.880
the impact of video games. And I was... absolutely

00:50:55.880 --> 00:50:57.380
hand on my heart one of the people that roll

00:50:57.380 --> 00:50:59.500
my eyes when i first start violent video games

00:50:59.500 --> 00:51:01.760
that's not doing it when you look into how the

00:51:01.760 --> 00:51:04.340
army condition their soldiers and you have reward

00:51:04.340 --> 00:51:06.559
system and operant conditioning and you understand

00:51:06.559 --> 00:51:09.239
the psychology behind it absolutely it contributes

00:51:09.239 --> 00:51:11.159
then you add sleep deprivation how many gamers

00:51:11.159 --> 00:51:13.860
sleep you know play through the night now you

00:51:13.860 --> 00:51:16.719
add psychosis now you add in psych meds you know

00:51:16.719 --> 00:51:18.340
and so there's all these and if we're just talking

00:51:18.340 --> 00:51:20.659
about one thing we're not getting to the root

00:51:20.659 --> 00:51:25.719
at all so i would love to kind of Talk about

00:51:25.719 --> 00:51:28.519
that day as in -depth or as not in -depth as

00:51:28.519 --> 00:51:30.559
you want. I don't want to drag, you know, use

00:51:30.559 --> 00:51:34.480
any way you don't want to go. But then we can

00:51:34.480 --> 00:51:36.579
obviously talk about, you know, the things that

00:51:36.579 --> 00:51:38.519
we should be doing, the conversations that should

00:51:38.519 --> 00:51:42.780
have happened, the things that the adults of

00:51:42.780 --> 00:51:45.320
the world should have been discussing instead

00:51:45.320 --> 00:51:49.739
of, you know, what were. So Valentine's Day 2018,

00:51:50.300 --> 00:51:53.559
kind of. In your own pace, wherever you want

00:51:53.559 --> 00:51:56.800
to go, lead me through that day. Well, it started

00:51:56.800 --> 00:52:00.079
off very beautifully. I will say that. Bunch

00:52:00.079 --> 00:52:01.980
of gratitude for the morning. I always say that

00:52:01.980 --> 00:52:07.159
because I remember the day before that. I was

00:52:07.159 --> 00:52:08.500
like, you know what? I think I'm going to say

00:52:08.500 --> 00:52:10.260
that Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday.

00:52:10.480 --> 00:52:12.420
I remember because I was like, I'm all about

00:52:12.420 --> 00:52:14.340
love. And it doesn't matter. It could be a friend.

00:52:14.380 --> 00:52:16.300
It could be your mom. It could be whoever. But

00:52:16.300 --> 00:52:19.019
express yourself on that day. And I showed up

00:52:19.019 --> 00:52:21.210
to school. And Joaquin's sitting there on the

00:52:21.210 --> 00:52:23.369
bench waiting with some flowers in his hand,

00:52:23.469 --> 00:52:25.809
just waiting anxiously, like, get out of the

00:52:25.809 --> 00:52:27.170
car, get out of the car, get out of the car.

00:52:27.550 --> 00:52:29.369
I'm ready to give this to you. He's a hopeless

00:52:29.369 --> 00:52:34.630
romantic. Oh, my gosh. More than that. And we

00:52:34.630 --> 00:52:36.989
were late to school. We were late to class, just

00:52:36.989 --> 00:52:39.070
walking through the hallway, like, going through

00:52:39.070 --> 00:52:40.449
each other's bags. Like, where did we get each

00:52:40.449 --> 00:52:47.289
other? You know, silly high school stuff. I remember

00:52:47.289 --> 00:52:52.019
that clearly. and then there was a fire alarm

00:52:52.019 --> 00:52:54.920
second period and you know that's okay normal

00:52:54.920 --> 00:52:57.639
whatever we go outside we go back inside and

00:52:57.639 --> 00:52:59.639
then there's another fire alarm fourth period

00:52:59.639 --> 00:53:02.579
and we're like okay this is weird and i remember

00:53:02.579 --> 00:53:06.860
not i wasn't aware of anything going on where

00:53:06.860 --> 00:53:08.500
i was just like okay this is weird we're having

00:53:08.500 --> 00:53:12.260
another drill um and then there's chatter and

00:53:12.260 --> 00:53:14.119
there's chatter about there being a false drill

00:53:14.119 --> 00:53:16.179
and then there's more chatter there's more chatter

00:53:16.179 --> 00:53:19.829
and then we're moving further away from our normal

00:53:19.829 --> 00:53:23.630
space for the fire alarm. And I'm like, okay,

00:53:23.670 --> 00:53:25.570
this is weird. And then there's a cop car sitting

00:53:25.570 --> 00:53:27.929
by the softball field. I'm like, okay, that's

00:53:27.929 --> 00:53:30.909
weirder. And then there's helicopters. I'm pointing

00:53:30.909 --> 00:53:34.010
out the triggers that I remember because that's

00:53:34.010 --> 00:53:38.849
how I'm going chronological. And then before

00:53:38.849 --> 00:53:42.650
I know it, I'm out at Walmart hearing that it's

00:53:42.650 --> 00:53:45.690
what it is, getting calls from my family saying

00:53:45.690 --> 00:53:49.719
this is on the news, this is serious. And I just

00:53:49.719 --> 00:53:52.739
remember yelling, like, stop calling me. I can't

00:53:52.739 --> 00:53:55.000
find Joaquin. That was like it. Like, stop calling

00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:58.119
me. I'm trying to call him. Everyone, I'm fine.

00:53:58.219 --> 00:54:01.380
I'm good. Stop bothering me. Because I also didn't

00:54:01.380 --> 00:54:05.440
see the, something in me saw the weight of it

00:54:05.440 --> 00:54:09.599
and understood the truth behind it. But of course,

00:54:09.619 --> 00:54:12.780
there's also that huge shock blanket where it's

00:54:12.780 --> 00:54:15.480
like, I'm focused on this one thing. I don't

00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:19.460
even know that I'm focused on. But yeah, that

00:54:19.460 --> 00:54:23.860
was, I evacuated. I was safe. Found Joaquin's

00:54:23.860 --> 00:54:29.440
best friend and we stuck together to Walmart,

00:54:29.599 --> 00:54:31.619
then to Publix because it was just too crowded.

00:54:32.039 --> 00:54:35.780
My mom picked us up. I remember seeing, going

00:54:35.780 --> 00:54:38.980
home, seeing stuff on the news. For me, this

00:54:38.980 --> 00:54:45.039
is all like very surface level. Because I can't

00:54:45.039 --> 00:54:47.460
even, I still haven't processed a lot of actual

00:54:47.460 --> 00:54:50.880
feelings from that actual day. I don't remember

00:54:50.880 --> 00:54:55.199
a lot. I'm telling you what I remember. Went

00:54:55.199 --> 00:54:59.179
home. And then when it became time that I couldn't

00:54:59.179 --> 00:55:02.039
just sit at home anymore, I met Joaquin's family

00:55:02.039 --> 00:55:08.039
at a different Marriott. Where families of missing

00:55:08.039 --> 00:55:10.679
children were. And for me, that was already not.

00:55:11.699 --> 00:55:13.780
great even watching the news I remember seeing

00:55:13.780 --> 00:55:17.340
someone from his class come out and was being

00:55:17.340 --> 00:55:19.559
interviewed and I was like okay if she's in his

00:55:19.559 --> 00:55:22.579
class and she's okay and he's not answering that

00:55:22.579 --> 00:55:25.199
was like that was immediately when it clicked

00:55:25.199 --> 00:55:28.199
because she was also on the news saying and I

00:55:28.199 --> 00:55:30.320
was made I was with him and he was making valentine's

00:55:30.320 --> 00:55:34.300
for his girlfriend and then she described that

00:55:34.300 --> 00:55:38.000
she saw him dead so for me that was like the

00:55:38.000 --> 00:55:40.300
moment Didn't want to admit it to myself, but

00:55:40.300 --> 00:55:44.980
admitted it to myself subconsciously. And I remember

00:55:44.980 --> 00:55:48.559
spending the next 10 hours shaking my leg and

00:55:48.559 --> 00:55:50.340
staring at the floor. I can remember the pattern

00:55:50.340 --> 00:55:55.980
of the carpet in that conference room. Because

00:55:55.980 --> 00:55:58.360
all I was thinking about was either, am I going

00:55:58.360 --> 00:56:01.940
to have a reunion? Is this what I'm preparing

00:56:01.940 --> 00:56:03.820
for? Or am I preparing for the rest of my life

00:56:03.820 --> 00:56:08.320
dealing with this loss? I was very aware of that.

00:56:08.960 --> 00:56:11.440
And that was all for 10 hours. We didn't get

00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:16.219
news until 2 a .m. I got there. Don't even know.

00:56:16.340 --> 00:56:19.619
2 a .m. And I'm just I remember sitting on the

00:56:19.619 --> 00:56:22.800
floor. A group of his friends had showed up.

00:56:23.059 --> 00:56:27.019
Quite a few. You know, friendly guy. Lots of

00:56:27.019 --> 00:56:31.900
friends. And someone's mom had come back in.

00:56:31.980 --> 00:56:34.400
And all I remember is her saying that he didn't

00:56:34.400 --> 00:56:39.579
make it. I remember going home, my sister and

00:56:39.579 --> 00:56:42.920
my mom laying in my bed with me. And I don't

00:56:42.920 --> 00:56:46.360
know how I slept, but I did. And then it was

00:56:46.360 --> 00:56:52.119
a different world that I woke up to. Just awful.

00:56:53.460 --> 00:56:56.780
Well, I want to take the focus to your dad because

00:56:56.780 --> 00:57:01.340
the lens that I understand is your father's.

00:57:01.380 --> 00:57:05.539
Now, when the shooting happened in Ocala, my...

00:57:05.929 --> 00:57:09.769
bonus boy my stepson's school thought they had

00:57:09.769 --> 00:57:13.170
a shooting too there was miscommunication and

00:57:13.170 --> 00:57:15.570
i had texts there's someone shooting the school

00:57:15.570 --> 00:57:19.510
i'm hiding in the library don't call me now he

00:57:19.510 --> 00:57:23.449
might hear us kind of thing so i'm blessed that

00:57:23.449 --> 00:57:27.869
that was wrong it was a false alarm so tell me

00:57:27.869 --> 00:57:31.030
about that day for you not only were you Tori's

00:57:31.030 --> 00:57:32.889
father seeing that happen in the high school,

00:57:32.989 --> 00:57:35.949
but you were also on the rig that day as a responder.

00:57:36.809 --> 00:57:39.750
Well, for me that day, I was actually a step

00:57:39.750 --> 00:57:43.730
-up battalion chief that day at the time. And

00:57:43.730 --> 00:57:47.150
for me, the story is some things come and go,

00:57:47.210 --> 00:57:50.050
so I may jump around a little bit because it's

00:57:50.050 --> 00:57:52.630
kind of hard to piecemeal some of the stuff together.

00:57:52.750 --> 00:57:55.829
Piecemeal, piecemeal, whatever it is. But for

00:57:55.829 --> 00:57:57.829
us, it was our life scan day, so I had gotten

00:57:57.829 --> 00:58:00.860
my physical in the morning. And I literally had

00:58:00.860 --> 00:58:03.840
just finished, got my results back. Everything

00:58:03.840 --> 00:58:07.559
was good that I remember anyway. And put my pants

00:58:07.559 --> 00:58:09.300
on, actually, because I wear a radio strap. So

00:58:09.300 --> 00:58:15.000
I had just put the radio on. And, I don't know,

00:58:15.019 --> 00:58:16.860
probably within two or three minutes, the call

00:58:16.860 --> 00:58:19.360
went out. And I, you know, he did that one other

00:58:19.360 --> 00:58:22.860
thing. I just hear what I hear or heard. And

00:58:22.860 --> 00:58:24.719
it's shooting at Doug, as I'm saying, in the

00:58:24.719 --> 00:58:30.070
back of my mind. They rang out again. And where

00:58:30.070 --> 00:58:32.170
the life scan was, it literally took me about

00:58:32.170 --> 00:58:33.570
three minutes to get to the school. I was the

00:58:33.570 --> 00:58:36.269
second chief that arrived on that school. So

00:58:36.269 --> 00:58:38.610
from the life scan, I just got in the truck and

00:58:38.610 --> 00:58:43.170
I drove. I have a hard time remembering. I believe

00:58:43.170 --> 00:58:45.730
I reflected and thought about Tori for a second,

00:58:45.750 --> 00:58:48.630
but it was a snapshot. I was instant focused,

00:58:48.829 --> 00:58:52.090
first responder mode. Because it wasn't too long

00:58:52.090 --> 00:58:55.710
after getting the second dispatch, if you will.

00:58:56.329 --> 00:58:58.349
Or repeated information that it became a little

00:58:58.349 --> 00:58:59.750
bit more apparent that this was a real deal.

00:59:01.110 --> 00:59:04.429
And so I was just trying to keep my cool and

00:59:04.429 --> 00:59:07.050
drive the truck because I was by myself. So obviously

00:59:07.050 --> 00:59:09.130
I drive the truck and I'm just listening to the

00:59:09.130 --> 00:59:11.170
radio traffic and making sure I get there safely.

00:59:11.710 --> 00:59:13.429
I felt like I got there literally like a snap

00:59:13.429 --> 00:59:18.170
of a finger is how fast I got there. And we pretty

00:59:18.170 --> 00:59:21.269
much went right into establishing our perimeter

00:59:21.269 --> 00:59:23.190
or whatnot. Obviously we couldn't commit to the

00:59:23.190 --> 00:59:26.179
scene. It's not our... a wheelhouse at that point,

00:59:26.239 --> 00:59:31.280
and it was on the corner, which became the casualty

00:59:31.280 --> 00:59:33.360
collection point. It was where everybody was

00:59:33.360 --> 00:59:37.739
starting to come out. So some people were evacuating,

00:59:37.800 --> 00:59:43.000
closing down the roads, and I don't know. It's

00:59:43.000 --> 00:59:44.599
hard to say as far as how long the time frame

00:59:44.599 --> 00:59:46.559
was, but it felt like a couple of minutes that

00:59:46.559 --> 00:59:48.559
I stopped myself in the middle of the intersection,

00:59:48.719 --> 00:59:50.980
and I grabbed my phone and said, holy shit, my

00:59:50.980 --> 00:59:53.769
daughter. So I started going through my phone.

00:59:53.889 --> 00:59:56.250
By that time, the media was all over the place.

00:59:56.369 --> 00:59:58.670
And I had people texting me from all over. My

00:59:58.670 --> 01:00:01.230
buddies back home in New York were texting me.

01:00:01.289 --> 01:00:03.050
Is everything okay? I hope you're doing okay.

01:00:03.269 --> 01:00:04.949
All the thoughts and prayers were already coming

01:00:04.949 --> 01:00:07.570
out. And I was just like, scroll down to Tracy.

01:00:08.409 --> 01:00:11.110
And I texted her. I said, where's Tori? Is she

01:00:11.110 --> 01:00:13.489
okay? Or something along those lines. And put

01:00:13.489 --> 01:00:14.969
the phone back in my pocket and was going right

01:00:14.969 --> 01:00:16.710
back to work. Like I said, people were coming.

01:00:16.730 --> 01:00:20.210
Parents were coming up to us. I don't want to

01:00:20.210 --> 01:00:21.630
say for lack of a better word, it was a little

01:00:21.630 --> 01:00:23.469
bit of a shit show because there was people coming

01:00:23.469 --> 01:00:25.789
at us from all angles. And every scene is a shit

01:00:25.789 --> 01:00:28.409
show, even the small ones. So obviously units

01:00:28.409 --> 01:00:29.989
are coming in, you're trying to point to people

01:00:29.989 --> 01:00:34.050
and whatnot. So I go back to my phone. She responds

01:00:34.050 --> 01:00:37.789
to me, says, Tori's okay. And then followed back,

01:00:37.809 --> 01:00:40.409
she says she can't find Joaquin. So at that point,

01:00:40.449 --> 01:00:42.710
I'm like, and at that point, people were starting

01:00:42.710 --> 01:00:44.110
to be brought out. The cops were bringing people

01:00:44.110 --> 01:00:48.760
out. And so I'm trying to put eyes on people

01:00:48.760 --> 01:00:50.139
because I was actually assigned accountability

01:00:50.139 --> 01:00:52.920
on the scene, which really wasn't like accountability.

01:00:53.019 --> 01:00:57.099
That was by no means a true MCI type run incident

01:00:57.099 --> 01:01:00.699
whatsoever. So I was a little bit all over the

01:01:00.699 --> 01:01:03.519
place. I tell everybody that if at some point,

01:01:03.559 --> 01:01:05.480
what's like the first 10 minutes into the scene

01:01:05.480 --> 01:01:07.739
or something like that, where if you see when

01:01:07.739 --> 01:01:09.679
you watch a movie and they focus on the individual

01:01:09.679 --> 01:01:11.480
and everything else around you spins and that

01:01:11.480 --> 01:01:14.340
kind of blurry type look, that's how it felt

01:01:14.340 --> 01:01:16.059
for a little while. For a little while, I was

01:01:16.059 --> 01:01:17.019
just going through the motions. I didn't know

01:01:17.019 --> 01:01:18.960
what the hell I was doing. You know, trying to

01:01:18.960 --> 01:01:22.019
gear people in, trying to be a leader, you know,

01:01:22.039 --> 01:01:24.780
as a chief on the scene or acting chief, trying

01:01:24.780 --> 01:01:27.300
to give the crews some confidence and people

01:01:27.300 --> 01:01:30.199
coming over. I was consoling kids that were crying

01:01:30.199 --> 01:01:31.739
and asking why. I said, again, you're dealing

01:01:31.739 --> 01:01:34.119
with people coming at us from all different angles.

01:01:35.340 --> 01:01:38.199
So, again, at the same time as people are being

01:01:38.199 --> 01:01:42.760
brought out, I'm trying to put eyes on her. You

01:01:42.760 --> 01:01:43.900
know, that's where I think it is a little bit

01:01:43.900 --> 01:01:45.760
of, I don't say survivor's guilt that I have

01:01:45.760 --> 01:01:49.320
where I think that there is some guilt there

01:01:49.320 --> 01:01:51.840
where I didn't, you know, her thought was a snapshot.

01:01:52.960 --> 01:01:55.300
And I went right to mode. You know, it wasn't,

01:01:55.300 --> 01:01:56.719
maybe there was something subconsciously that

01:01:56.719 --> 01:02:00.179
I knew she was okay. You just can't describe

01:02:00.179 --> 01:02:03.920
what that was or why I did what I did. But, you

01:02:03.920 --> 01:02:05.300
know, that's a little bit of survivor's guilt

01:02:05.300 --> 01:02:07.139
that I think that I have is just knowing that

01:02:07.139 --> 01:02:08.780
I didn't have, because I had the ability, you

01:02:08.780 --> 01:02:10.059
know, I was in a truck by myself. I could have

01:02:10.059 --> 01:02:12.900
drove my... Damn truck right into that building,

01:02:13.179 --> 01:02:16.199
you know, had I known or stopped it. You know,

01:02:16.199 --> 01:02:18.300
that's where the, I don't want to say the hero

01:02:18.300 --> 01:02:20.460
act comes in where you start, you know, here

01:02:20.460 --> 01:02:22.539
we are three years later, shoulda, woulda, coulda,

01:02:22.539 --> 01:02:25.320
what could I have done, you know, tying the whole

01:02:25.320 --> 01:02:26.980
thing together. It's just, you know, your mind,

01:02:27.000 --> 01:02:28.820
it just goes in a lot of different directions

01:02:28.820 --> 01:02:31.239
too. So, I know that may not be the best explanation.

01:02:31.280 --> 01:02:33.360
I mean, there's little things that I can remember,

01:02:33.480 --> 01:02:35.880
but there's some things I just don't. People

01:02:35.880 --> 01:02:37.719
will tell me, they said I was doing everything

01:02:37.719 --> 01:02:39.920
very well and I just. I remember it was cloudy

01:02:39.920 --> 01:02:44.300
for a while. Well, firstly, with the guilt of

01:02:44.300 --> 01:02:48.880
knowing Tori was okay, it's something I talk

01:02:48.880 --> 01:02:52.400
about quite a bit now. I think a lot of us go

01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:55.500
into flow state when it's an acute, really serious

01:02:55.500 --> 01:02:59.460
event. You have no choice but to have that myopic

01:02:59.460 --> 01:03:04.280
focus because at that point, it wasn't just your

01:03:04.280 --> 01:03:06.530
daughter's life that rested on. the actions of

01:03:06.530 --> 01:03:08.670
you and the men and women on scene, it was an

01:03:08.670 --> 01:03:12.989
entire high school for the kids. So you shouldn't

01:03:12.989 --> 01:03:15.170
feel guilty. You had that snapshot. She's okay.

01:03:15.389 --> 01:03:17.650
All right, well, then I got to go back in. It's

01:03:17.650 --> 01:03:21.449
after that we have the adrenal dump, the processing,

01:03:21.570 --> 01:03:23.510
the survivor's guilt, whatever it looks like.

01:03:23.590 --> 01:03:26.889
But I think it's important. If we stayed in that

01:03:26.889 --> 01:03:29.469
emotional state, we'd be terrible firefighters,

01:03:29.670 --> 01:03:32.690
police officers, dispatchers. So that's what

01:03:32.690 --> 01:03:37.579
makes us who we are. Was the driving force behind

01:03:37.579 --> 01:03:41.219
your colleagues looking from the outside in and

01:03:41.219 --> 01:03:44.539
seeing you do a good job because if you took

01:03:44.539 --> 01:03:48.559
that emotional element and brought it within

01:03:48.559 --> 01:03:50.440
you, you wouldn't be able to function as a BC

01:03:50.440 --> 01:03:55.340
or an IC. Well, I could see that. I was going

01:03:55.340 --> 01:04:03.030
to mention something. Crap. I lost my train of

01:04:03.030 --> 01:04:06.329
thought. Maybe we'll circle back to it. That's

01:04:06.329 --> 01:04:07.949
what it was. It was the emotional side of it

01:04:07.949 --> 01:04:10.570
for me. It really didn't come out until we started

01:04:10.570 --> 01:04:13.690
doing this documentary or the documentary came

01:04:13.690 --> 01:04:15.849
out. I mean, I would have some moments, but even

01:04:15.849 --> 01:04:18.550
that day, we did the big therapy session afterwards,

01:04:18.690 --> 01:04:21.130
the debriefing, if you will, after the incident.

01:04:21.289 --> 01:04:26.010
And some of the people that I was seeing, obviously

01:04:26.010 --> 01:04:29.190
people crying, and my fellow co -workers were

01:04:29.190 --> 01:04:33.179
crying. kind of feel, I don't know what I felt,

01:04:33.219 --> 01:04:35.260
but I wasn't feeling the sorrow or any of the

01:04:35.260 --> 01:04:37.880
overwhelming aspects. Maybe I was still jacked

01:04:37.880 --> 01:04:41.619
up at that time, but even afterwards, because

01:04:41.619 --> 01:04:44.159
I met her at the hotel afterwards, once the debriefing

01:04:44.159 --> 01:04:46.800
was gone, I hauled ass to the hotel where they

01:04:46.800 --> 01:04:49.179
were doing the notifications, if you will, or

01:04:49.179 --> 01:04:52.099
whatnot. When I come in, it's just that eerie

01:04:52.099 --> 01:04:54.920
silence. People ask me why I subjected myself

01:04:54.920 --> 01:04:58.710
to that misery because the And to put that in

01:04:58.710 --> 01:05:01.929
perspective is hearing a parent scream when they've

01:05:01.929 --> 01:05:04.530
been notified that their child is no longer with

01:05:04.530 --> 01:05:06.949
us. That's something that resonates. That's with

01:05:06.949 --> 01:05:09.449
me forever. That scream is just something you'll

01:05:09.449 --> 01:05:12.590
never get rid of it. I can still hear it to this

01:05:12.590 --> 01:05:14.150
day, and I don't even know the family. I won't

01:05:14.150 --> 01:05:16.309
mention the name, but I know the family of the

01:05:16.309 --> 01:05:19.130
notification that's still stuck in my head. But

01:05:19.130 --> 01:05:21.989
part of me felt drawn to be there, but it wasn't

01:05:21.989 --> 01:05:24.289
until, like I said, we had the documentaries

01:05:24.289 --> 01:05:26.679
where... They want to talk about it, but seeing

01:05:26.679 --> 01:05:28.980
the documentary brought it fresh, I couldn't

01:05:28.980 --> 01:05:30.519
even have a discussion on stage. They would ask

01:05:30.519 --> 01:05:32.280
me certain questions, and I would have a hard

01:05:32.280 --> 01:05:34.599
time really conveying any kind of thought. Getting

01:05:34.599 --> 01:05:36.260
it out, I would just lose my shit. I would just

01:05:36.260 --> 01:05:39.480
start crying and have a hard time conveying anything

01:05:39.480 --> 01:05:41.780
of support because people are asking. They want

01:05:41.780 --> 01:05:44.940
to, I guess, learn or try to understand and just

01:05:44.940 --> 01:05:47.420
try to give them some perspective and maybe give

01:05:47.420 --> 01:05:48.920
a little guidance, help, whatever it was, and

01:05:48.920 --> 01:05:50.780
I just couldn't do it. Yeah. Well, I'm trying

01:05:50.780 --> 01:05:52.260
to make sense of some of that. You're not going

01:05:52.260 --> 01:05:54.760
to. Like we were talking about before, you have

01:05:54.760 --> 01:05:58.059
to reverse engineer back to birth of the individual

01:05:58.059 --> 01:06:03.099
to really find the foundation of that. A friend

01:06:03.099 --> 01:06:06.260
of mine made entry on that scene. He was there

01:06:06.260 --> 01:06:11.280
from a mental health perspective. Ended up kind

01:06:11.280 --> 01:06:13.880
of being grabbed and asked, hey, can you help

01:06:13.880 --> 01:06:18.639
with this? Horrific scene. I don't have to paint

01:06:18.639 --> 01:06:20.079
the picture for anyone. I certainly don't need

01:06:20.079 --> 01:06:23.030
to get you guys to relive that. But it's such

01:06:23.030 --> 01:06:25.429
an important point. Some of the most haunting

01:06:25.429 --> 01:06:27.730
things that I've had as a firefighter and a medic

01:06:27.730 --> 01:06:30.869
are the voices of the people left behind, which

01:06:30.869 --> 01:06:35.550
is another huge thing. I think what I really

01:06:35.550 --> 01:06:39.730
got from the documentary, because it's all James

01:06:39.730 --> 01:06:42.449
Gearing that was nowhere near, got to really

01:06:42.449 --> 01:06:46.110
see inside, and it was a very well -made piece,

01:06:46.369 --> 01:06:52.340
was... these children went through these horrendous

01:06:52.340 --> 01:06:54.699
things you're sitting in front of me now and

01:06:54.699 --> 01:06:56.880
again thank you so much for for sitting here

01:06:56.880 --> 01:06:59.019
but you guys had to live that you had to carry

01:06:59.019 --> 01:07:04.320
that and yet it immediately became politicized

01:07:04.320 --> 01:07:06.800
and there's all these children who had their

01:07:06.800 --> 01:07:09.099
world turned upside down all these parents that

01:07:09.099 --> 01:07:10.900
had their world turned upside down these teachers

01:07:10.900 --> 01:07:13.320
and responders who had their worlds turned upside

01:07:13.320 --> 01:07:17.920
down and immediately it became a for against

01:07:18.590 --> 01:07:21.789
weapons you know and it nauseated me being a

01:07:21.789 --> 01:07:24.230
you know a few hours north of you guys seeing

01:07:24.230 --> 01:07:28.309
this unfold myself in the documentary and you

01:07:28.309 --> 01:07:30.250
have to i forgive me i forget the gentleman's

01:07:30.250 --> 01:07:33.590
name but one of your classmates was asked to

01:07:33.590 --> 01:07:36.889
go to the white house six days later and talk

01:07:36.889 --> 01:07:39.250
do a press conference president gave him a thumbs

01:07:39.250 --> 01:07:41.050
up you know one of the parents a thumbs up like

01:07:41.050 --> 01:07:45.050
yeah we got this i'm not left or right i just

01:07:45.050 --> 01:07:47.719
can't stand a lack of compassion whatever tie

01:07:47.719 --> 01:07:51.579
you're wearing, blue, red, whatever. So kind

01:07:51.579 --> 01:07:54.219
of talk me through the next few days. You're

01:07:54.219 --> 01:07:58.079
grieving everyone that you lost, you know, again,

01:07:58.179 --> 01:08:00.559
from your perspective as well. What there should

01:08:00.559 --> 01:08:05.079
have been was space, compassion, kindness, love.

01:08:06.380 --> 01:08:09.139
What, and I'm not kind of trying to sway or weight

01:08:09.139 --> 01:08:12.019
this question, but what... What did you, as children

01:08:12.019 --> 01:08:15.440
of Parkland, what did you actually experience

01:08:15.440 --> 01:08:19.460
the next couple of weeks after that? I think

01:08:19.460 --> 01:08:23.159
that for me, thinking back to that, it feels

01:08:23.159 --> 01:08:26.000
like there was absolutely no choice in what the

01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:31.020
movement was, who was where, even if someone

01:08:31.020 --> 01:08:34.020
disagreed or not disagreed, but if someone was

01:08:34.020 --> 01:08:37.869
for weapons. The way that it was portrayed and

01:08:37.869 --> 01:08:40.810
shoved down these kids' throats, everyone was

01:08:40.810 --> 01:08:44.609
now, okay, anti -gun. We didn't even have a second

01:08:44.609 --> 01:08:48.829
to make our own opinions either or grieve for

01:08:48.829 --> 01:08:50.789
a second. We did not even have a second. Now's

01:08:50.789 --> 01:08:53.390
not the time to legislate. No, no. Now's the

01:08:53.390 --> 01:08:58.869
time to grieve and process. I can remember saying,

01:08:59.409 --> 01:09:03.689
people would ask me about this, about guns. People

01:09:03.689 --> 01:09:06.479
were asking me, okay. But I remember saying,

01:09:06.520 --> 01:09:08.279
what about mental health? I remember even from

01:09:08.279 --> 01:09:10.039
the beginning, I was like, my first priority

01:09:10.039 --> 01:09:13.560
is mental health because I knew from the get

01:09:13.560 --> 01:09:19.119
-go, this kid is not well, okay? A well person

01:09:19.119 --> 01:09:22.300
with a gun is not going to do that. So the question

01:09:22.300 --> 01:09:25.100
is not guns. The question is the person and their

01:09:25.100 --> 01:09:28.539
mental health. That's the question. But I think

01:09:28.539 --> 01:09:32.220
that, I mean, personally, I was swayed. I mean,

01:09:32.239 --> 01:09:33.840
that's what I'm saying. We didn't have a choice.

01:09:33.899 --> 01:09:37.439
We were all very swayed into that because I also

01:09:37.439 --> 01:09:41.640
think that it was somewhat of a coping mechanism

01:09:41.640 --> 01:09:43.619
for a lot of people to just throw themselves

01:09:43.619 --> 01:09:45.920
into something. Just channel that. Just say,

01:09:46.119 --> 01:09:48.340
what am I going to do? I'm going to do something.

01:09:48.659 --> 01:09:51.859
For me, I was swayed a lot. Not in a bad way,

01:09:51.920 --> 01:09:54.060
but definitely influenced by Joaquin's family

01:09:54.060 --> 01:09:57.319
themselves. I mean, they took their time. Not

01:09:57.319 --> 01:10:01.020
took their time. More time, I would say. to grieve

01:10:01.020 --> 01:10:03.479
more time meaning like a couple days than the

01:10:03.479 --> 01:10:05.979
media but then they were right on to creating

01:10:05.979 --> 01:10:10.319
their own organization about that specifically

01:10:10.319 --> 01:10:13.140
so they're still working on change the ref yeah

01:10:13.140 --> 01:10:16.140
change the ref excuse me yeah so then I felt

01:10:16.140 --> 01:10:18.920
also obligated to do that I didn't even realize

01:10:18.920 --> 01:10:23.020
in myself that this isn't really me this is just

01:10:23.020 --> 01:10:24.960
what I feel like I have to do and I think that's

01:10:24.960 --> 01:10:27.270
where a lot of kids were And which is why the

01:10:27.270 --> 01:10:29.069
movement might have slowed down a little now

01:10:29.069 --> 01:10:31.229
is because people were just so amped up on all

01:10:31.229 --> 01:10:33.989
of this emotion. And we were forced to channel

01:10:33.989 --> 01:10:36.810
it that way. Could be helpful for some people.

01:10:37.189 --> 01:10:41.329
For me, I have a different standpoint now. So

01:10:41.329 --> 01:10:43.529
I look back and I don't regret anything that

01:10:43.529 --> 01:10:46.609
I did. But I know that if I were to have made

01:10:46.609 --> 01:10:49.750
my own decisions, I wouldn't have done what I

01:10:49.750 --> 01:10:55.439
did. But I do know that talk is good. But it

01:10:55.439 --> 01:10:56.779
needs to be about the right thing, like we were

01:10:56.779 --> 01:10:59.600
saying. I think that there still hasn't been

01:10:59.600 --> 01:11:01.420
the correct conversation about what happened.

01:11:02.760 --> 01:11:05.579
I do plan to, when I'm ready, speak out about

01:11:05.579 --> 01:11:10.279
mental health and specifically, without treading

01:11:10.279 --> 01:11:13.420
on anything, but specifically this individual

01:11:13.420 --> 01:11:18.319
and my thoughts. Because I think that they're

01:11:18.319 --> 01:11:20.319
very different than a lot of people who went

01:11:20.319 --> 01:11:22.479
through this. Because I'm able to see it from...

01:11:23.180 --> 01:11:25.579
I guess, a third point perspective, which is

01:11:25.579 --> 01:11:29.800
healthy. And I don't know, difficult, but necessary

01:11:29.800 --> 01:11:33.500
in my world to find some kind of acceptance,

01:11:33.600 --> 01:11:37.340
some kind of not forgiveness, but that's what

01:11:37.340 --> 01:11:41.659
I'll call it, to understand. Yeah, mental health

01:11:41.659 --> 01:11:44.779
is my conversation. So let me change that question

01:11:44.779 --> 01:11:47.979
now. So what, and I'll ask Anthony the same thing

01:11:47.979 --> 01:11:51.819
too, that's what happened. What should have happened?

01:11:51.920 --> 01:11:54.899
In the ideal world, knowing everyone that was

01:11:54.899 --> 01:11:57.460
on there, whether they were adults or school

01:11:57.460 --> 01:12:01.239
kids, what should those first few weeks have

01:12:01.239 --> 01:12:06.819
looked like? Therapists everywhere, support groups,

01:12:06.960 --> 01:12:15.260
just meetings of people. We only needed each

01:12:15.260 --> 01:12:18.500
other. There were therapists, but I will say

01:12:18.500 --> 01:12:21.649
that there was no effort. in getting the proper

01:12:21.649 --> 01:12:26.029
therapists at school. They were trained in three

01:12:26.029 --> 01:12:29.170
days, trauma trained in three days before coming

01:12:29.170 --> 01:12:32.229
into our school and trying to tell us what we

01:12:32.229 --> 01:12:36.770
need to do. I remember being taken out of my

01:12:36.770 --> 01:12:39.489
class by a therapist and him saying, you know,

01:12:39.529 --> 01:12:41.909
I know a lot about you. Like, that someone else,

01:12:41.949 --> 01:12:43.869
that he heard something from someone else. Like,

01:12:43.869 --> 01:12:45.130
that's the first thing you're going to say to

01:12:45.130 --> 01:12:47.350
me is you know about me. you know that I'm having

01:12:47.350 --> 01:12:49.409
a hard time or I don't even know what he was

01:12:49.409 --> 01:12:51.949
saying. And he's like, the second thing was,

01:12:52.010 --> 01:12:54.829
well, what are your triggers? Like he had absolutely

01:12:54.829 --> 01:12:56.869
no boundaries. He had absolutely no knowledge

01:12:56.869 --> 01:13:02.329
of how to handle, um, a traumatized child, a

01:13:02.329 --> 01:13:08.609
child. I was 17. Um, I just, what should have

01:13:08.609 --> 01:13:11.250
happened? Let's go. I'm going back. I was, no,

01:13:11.369 --> 01:13:16.489
go tangent away, please. Seriously. Just, I can

01:13:16.489 --> 01:13:18.930
see like, in my head, I'm seeing what should

01:13:18.930 --> 01:13:22.189
have happened. And it's circles of people, hugs.

01:13:22.449 --> 01:13:24.789
And there were a lot of hugs and there was a

01:13:24.789 --> 01:13:29.430
lot of talk. I just, more compassion, really.

01:13:30.229 --> 01:13:32.890
And there was an overflow of love from the entire

01:13:32.890 --> 01:13:36.149
world. I can't deny that. That people from Australia

01:13:36.149 --> 01:13:38.829
and Germany and wherever are reaching out to

01:13:38.829 --> 01:13:41.949
me, finding my page specifically to tell me that

01:13:41.949 --> 01:13:43.909
they're proud of me or that they send me thoughts

01:13:43.909 --> 01:13:50.109
and prayers. and whatnot, but I don't even know,

01:13:50.170 --> 01:13:51.689
man. It really just shouldn't have been what

01:13:51.689 --> 01:13:54.829
it was because it also forced a lot of people

01:13:54.829 --> 01:13:58.069
to grow up. Of course, the situation itself forced

01:13:58.069 --> 01:14:01.069
all of these kids out of innocence and purity,

01:14:01.289 --> 01:14:04.170
I would say, but to then force them to actually,

01:14:04.449 --> 01:14:06.550
okay, you're going to be a leader now. You're

01:14:06.550 --> 01:14:07.890
not going to take care of yourself. You're going

01:14:07.890 --> 01:14:12.149
to go and take care of an entire community. It

01:14:12.149 --> 01:14:16.989
felt like a huge responsibility. When really

01:14:16.989 --> 01:14:20.869
there just should have been a huge pause. Because

01:14:20.869 --> 01:14:23.210
there was no, I understand time doesn't wait

01:14:23.210 --> 01:14:26.850
for anyone and life goes on. But for an entire

01:14:26.850 --> 01:14:29.789
community to be affected and for there not to

01:14:29.789 --> 01:14:34.770
be any moment of silence. Okay, there were like

01:14:34.770 --> 01:14:37.090
minutes, but there should have been a pause.

01:14:37.310 --> 01:14:40.409
There should have been, hey, let's regroup for

01:14:40.409 --> 01:14:44.409
a second. We all just know what happened. How

01:14:44.409 --> 01:14:46.930
can we help each other instead of, oh, now we

01:14:46.930 --> 01:14:48.649
have to change the entire world. Like first,

01:14:48.710 --> 01:14:51.109
we have to start small. We have to start with

01:14:51.109 --> 01:14:54.649
ourselves before we, there's no handing a cup

01:14:54.649 --> 01:14:56.529
over to someone without filling it for yourself

01:14:56.529 --> 01:15:00.670
first. So it really just sort of started with

01:15:00.670 --> 01:15:04.550
one person at a time. Like, what do you need?

01:15:04.630 --> 01:15:08.010
What can we do for you? Not what can you do with

01:15:08.010 --> 01:15:10.149
this? That comes later on. That is necessary.

01:15:10.149 --> 01:15:13.140
I understand everyone has. their purpose afterwards

01:15:13.140 --> 01:15:15.119
and what they want to do with this pain. But

01:15:15.119 --> 01:15:18.039
first you have to process the pain. You have

01:15:18.039 --> 01:15:20.840
to, because now there are people, a friend of

01:15:20.840 --> 01:15:23.640
mine three years later is finally saying, which

01:15:23.640 --> 01:15:25.399
I understand it's going to take years for a lot

01:15:25.399 --> 01:15:27.619
of people, but she's like, you know what? There's

01:15:27.619 --> 01:15:30.380
a lot of things that I think I need therapy for.

01:15:30.539 --> 01:15:33.060
I'm like, great, let's do it. Like, let's talk

01:15:33.060 --> 01:15:36.520
about it. Let's do it. But people thought that

01:15:36.520 --> 01:15:39.899
just talking about weapons was going to help

01:15:39.899 --> 01:15:44.239
them. it's actually talking about your feelings

01:15:44.239 --> 01:15:48.500
that are going to help you uh so yeah more love

01:15:48.500 --> 01:15:52.340
yeah that's the moral of the story well and thank

01:15:52.340 --> 01:15:54.680
you for that perspective because that's not what

01:15:54.680 --> 01:15:57.479
happened and it's not blaming especially you

01:15:57.479 --> 01:16:02.159
know your jurisdiction but i saw an opportunity

01:16:02.939 --> 01:16:05.140
A political opportunity that was swooped upon

01:16:05.140 --> 01:16:07.479
the same way as this last 12 months. I've seen

01:16:07.479 --> 01:16:09.899
that multiple times, whether it's race, law enforcement,

01:16:10.159 --> 01:16:12.840
COVID, you know, and in the meantime, people

01:16:12.840 --> 01:16:14.720
are dying on the streets. People are dying, you

01:16:14.720 --> 01:16:17.560
know, of not only COVID, but obesity and everything

01:16:17.560 --> 01:16:18.960
else. And we talked about before we recording,

01:16:19.159 --> 01:16:21.340
you know, this, the human and compassionate element

01:16:21.340 --> 01:16:23.579
is lost by the polarization of some of these

01:16:23.579 --> 01:16:27.020
narratives. So Anthony, from your perspective,

01:16:27.020 --> 01:16:30.239
so you were not only a father, you responded

01:16:30.239 --> 01:16:33.949
that day. What should those following few weeks

01:16:33.949 --> 01:16:36.850
look like, not only for Tori, but for the responders

01:16:36.850 --> 01:16:39.649
as well? Well, the responders, we'll start with

01:16:39.649 --> 01:16:44.869
the responders. We were and are pretty good about

01:16:44.869 --> 01:16:48.449
mental health. We were definitely staying on

01:16:48.449 --> 01:16:53.869
top of it. 2018 was actually a tough year for

01:16:53.869 --> 01:16:57.170
me and actually for our department, but to get

01:16:57.170 --> 01:17:00.890
back to it is we were prepared. We had clinicians

01:17:00.890 --> 01:17:03.970
that came out in full force afterwards, but we

01:17:03.970 --> 01:17:06.130
were pretty good about that. Chief Babnick at

01:17:06.130 --> 01:17:08.789
the time was, you know, always worried, I say

01:17:08.789 --> 01:17:12.470
always, definitely worried about mental health

01:17:12.470 --> 01:17:16.970
for the members. So that was, well, it wasn't

01:17:16.970 --> 01:17:20.250
an issue to implement that for us. It was there,

01:17:20.270 --> 01:17:23.130
you know, it gets to a point where there was

01:17:23.130 --> 01:17:25.430
so much of it that people didn't want to have

01:17:25.430 --> 01:17:30.229
that conversation. They had to sit in the room.

01:17:30.310 --> 01:17:32.550
They didn't have to have a conversation, but

01:17:32.550 --> 01:17:35.029
they had to be in the room and take part in the

01:17:35.029 --> 01:17:39.210
event. But that was too much. That's how well

01:17:39.210 --> 01:17:42.810
prepared we were for it. At least for that, we

01:17:42.810 --> 01:17:44.989
smothered the people. They're still there, and

01:17:44.989 --> 01:17:48.270
they're great people. And hats off to Bader and

01:17:48.270 --> 01:17:51.010
the chief at the time for getting us where we

01:17:51.010 --> 01:17:52.689
are with that. They're still doing great. But

01:17:52.689 --> 01:17:56.229
as far as the community goes, it's... It was

01:17:56.229 --> 01:17:58.390
definitely a hurry up and something needs to

01:17:58.390 --> 01:18:00.949
be done in which push people into different groups,

01:18:01.050 --> 01:18:04.069
I think. It was already divided. Unnecessarily.

01:18:04.510 --> 01:18:07.729
You split people for gun violence or anti -gun

01:18:07.729 --> 01:18:10.850
violence and gun reform and then there's a morning

01:18:10.850 --> 01:18:13.590
and then there's March for Our Lives and all

01:18:13.590 --> 01:18:15.949
these political, it seemed like the political

01:18:15.949 --> 01:18:20.409
aspect of the event overran everything, if you

01:18:20.409 --> 01:18:22.149
can kind of think of it that way. I mean, trying

01:18:22.149 --> 01:18:24.109
to take a look at it because I'm not a political...

01:18:24.250 --> 01:18:26.989
person by any means. I'm not a gun person, but

01:18:26.989 --> 01:18:29.710
I understand both sides of it that there are

01:18:29.710 --> 01:18:31.630
some kind of changes that need to be, but the

01:18:31.630 --> 01:18:33.869
overall event, it didn't have to happen so quickly.

01:18:35.170 --> 01:18:39.850
You know, maybe a tragic event for us is when

01:18:39.850 --> 01:18:41.390
you have something like that, it's a different

01:18:41.390 --> 01:18:43.750
perspective for the community to say, well, what

01:18:43.750 --> 01:18:45.710
do we do? But there were other events that took

01:18:45.710 --> 01:18:47.949
place that we could have learned from. But to

01:18:47.949 --> 01:18:49.890
my knowledge, and I can't back this up 100%,

01:18:49.890 --> 01:18:52.859
but to my knowledge that people didn't ask. this

01:18:52.859 --> 01:18:54.640
is what happened to us. What could we do to help

01:18:54.640 --> 01:18:58.220
the people? You know, and even to this day, there's

01:18:58.220 --> 01:18:59.619
not even a memorial. I mean, there is a memorial,

01:18:59.739 --> 01:19:01.920
but thanks to Tori and Ms. Reovan, one of the

01:19:01.920 --> 01:19:03.460
teachers, they created a garden. It's not official.

01:19:03.739 --> 01:19:07.000
Not official, but there's the garden on the corner

01:19:07.000 --> 01:19:09.520
of the school is the only place that on Valentine's

01:19:09.520 --> 01:19:11.819
Day that people can go and pay their respects.

01:19:12.199 --> 01:19:14.659
And that was where you, when they were doing

01:19:14.659 --> 01:19:16.460
the walkout initially, you didn't go, but that

01:19:16.460 --> 01:19:19.720
was the garden they walked to where you did show

01:19:19.720 --> 01:19:24.689
up in the documentary? I don't know if it was...

01:19:24.689 --> 01:19:26.569
They were doing the walkout? No, the walkout

01:19:26.569 --> 01:19:29.609
went to Pine Trails at the time. The garden was

01:19:29.609 --> 01:19:33.810
created Christmas Eve of 2018. Okay, so it probably

01:19:33.810 --> 01:19:37.109
wasn't the same one. Just a teacher. Well, just

01:19:37.109 --> 01:19:39.930
a teacher. One of the teachers. Just a teacher.

01:19:40.229 --> 01:19:44.689
No, sorry, sorry. She's a good friend of mine.

01:19:44.710 --> 01:19:49.649
She's my neighbor. She was... In the second classroom,

01:19:49.810 --> 01:19:54.149
that was attacked. And so she has that experience

01:19:54.149 --> 01:19:56.270
and I have mine and we connected very deeply

01:19:56.270 --> 01:19:59.569
after that. But she just called me Christmas

01:19:59.569 --> 01:20:01.270
Eve. I'm sitting with the family and she's like,

01:20:01.350 --> 01:20:04.149
there's nothing there. There's nothing that we

01:20:04.149 --> 01:20:07.109
have. Let's just go put like fake flowers down.

01:20:07.229 --> 01:20:09.810
And she's poking them into the ground. And I'm

01:20:09.810 --> 01:20:12.350
like, what the hell? Why don't we just dig up

01:20:12.350 --> 01:20:14.430
the ground and like plant something? Let's actually

01:20:14.430 --> 01:20:16.979
put it here so I can grow. Let's invite everyone

01:20:16.979 --> 01:20:19.420
out and do it. We didn't have any permission

01:20:19.420 --> 01:20:22.220
whatsoever. I just said, fuck it. I'm going to

01:20:22.220 --> 01:20:24.300
do it. Permission's overrated. Before she gets

01:20:24.300 --> 01:20:26.100
into it, but to show you the mindset of the community,

01:20:26.199 --> 01:20:27.500
it was the principal who was giving him a hard

01:20:27.500 --> 01:20:30.020
time. He literally said it would be an eyesore.

01:20:30.159 --> 01:20:32.579
Just to go to show you that, you know, the mindset.

01:20:32.739 --> 01:20:34.739
And this is, I mean, it's a few months later,

01:20:34.800 --> 01:20:38.920
but still, you know, I was dumbfounded by some

01:20:38.920 --> 01:20:42.140
of the responses of whatnot. And still, to this

01:20:42.140 --> 01:20:43.600
day, there's still nothing. I don't say nothing.

01:20:43.699 --> 01:20:45.779
I keep saying nothing, but there's. you know

01:20:45.779 --> 01:20:47.779
if you go to sandy hook and they have certain

01:20:47.779 --> 01:20:50.579
areas that are dedicated and we still don't have

01:20:50.579 --> 01:20:52.079
that yet we still got to look at the damn building

01:20:52.079 --> 01:20:53.840
that's still up because they they won't take

01:20:53.840 --> 01:20:55.760
it down yet because it's a freaking crime scene

01:20:55.760 --> 01:20:58.140
and they need it for evidence even now it's still

01:20:58.140 --> 01:21:00.420
up yeah really it's needed for evidence we'll

01:21:00.420 --> 01:21:03.779
get into that in a second but sorry so finish

01:21:03.779 --> 01:21:05.800
up with project sorry i totally derailed that

01:21:05.800 --> 01:21:07.699
well just go and get to that so so i want to

01:21:07.699 --> 01:21:10.340
hear about the garden but again the opposition

01:21:10.340 --> 01:21:13.439
to that we talked about you know finding yourself

01:21:13.439 --> 01:21:15.699
jumping into a cause and that cause ends up being

01:21:15.699 --> 01:21:19.960
politicized isn't actually i just finished interviewing

01:21:19.960 --> 01:21:22.359
a friend yesterday he has a garden that looks

01:21:22.359 --> 01:21:25.279
like this this jungle behind us beautiful piping

01:21:25.279 --> 01:21:27.239
music i don't know where the speakers were it's

01:21:27.239 --> 01:21:29.420
like being on a resort somewhere but that's his

01:21:29.420 --> 01:21:32.939
happy place so why not give the kids the garden

01:21:32.939 --> 01:21:35.880
the memorial to be that focus rather than doesn't

01:21:35.880 --> 01:21:37.659
have to be at the school i mean it's there it's

01:21:37.659 --> 01:21:40.050
tough to find a nice and be at peace and pay

01:21:40.050 --> 01:21:41.550
respects and then you look up and you see the

01:21:41.550 --> 01:21:43.170
building there so it's literally right in front

01:21:43.170 --> 01:21:45.430
of it but that's the only place that i have nothing

01:21:45.430 --> 01:21:47.250
because we've go there we go there we maintain

01:21:47.250 --> 01:21:49.390
it you know i found some healing there myself

01:21:49.390 --> 01:21:52.250
going you know project grow love and try to spread

01:21:52.250 --> 01:21:53.670
and do all that good stuff so i'm stealing your

01:21:53.670 --> 01:21:56.869
thunder sorry sorry your dad was rudely interrupting

01:21:56.869 --> 01:21:59.489
sorry i'm sorry for the folks listening i apologize

01:21:59.489 --> 01:22:01.689
i get a little excited about it too i'm sorry

01:22:01.689 --> 01:22:05.779
yeah it was actually something that really motivated

01:22:05.779 --> 01:22:07.920
me that was something that helped me a lot um

01:22:07.920 --> 01:22:10.500
knowing that i was inviting the community out

01:22:10.500 --> 01:22:12.800
to do it also it was like an uproar of support

01:22:12.800 --> 01:22:14.479
at that point like oh finally we have somewhere

01:22:14.479 --> 01:22:16.520
to go and we have something to actually do to

01:22:16.520 --> 01:22:19.079
take part in it and was it therapeutic oh yeah

01:22:19.079 --> 01:22:22.079
yeah digging in the dirt and and it there's so

01:22:22.079 --> 01:22:26.680
many symbols to it as well um life after death

01:22:26.680 --> 01:22:29.979
or life itself and growth and all the colors

01:22:29.979 --> 01:22:33.329
and beauty of life and all these things um But

01:22:33.329 --> 01:22:36.050
I saw the impact that it had on every kid that

01:22:36.050 --> 01:22:41.409
showed up there. It was a release. It was almost

01:22:41.409 --> 01:22:45.170
like an accomplishment. They felt like they were

01:22:45.170 --> 01:22:48.310
giving back. It was purposeful while also creating

01:22:48.310 --> 01:22:51.590
something with an even bigger purpose. There

01:22:51.590 --> 01:22:54.250
were so many little purposes in the big one.

01:22:55.750 --> 01:22:58.109
We called it Project Grow Love because literally

01:22:58.109 --> 01:23:02.369
that's what we're doing there. I wanted to wrap

01:23:02.369 --> 01:23:04.189
the whole school in it. And that's where I was

01:23:04.189 --> 01:23:07.829
told that's going to be an eyesore. That's actually

01:23:07.829 --> 01:23:11.210
not going to be great. And I was like, I think

01:23:11.210 --> 01:23:13.649
we just need more love. Let's grow it. Let's

01:23:13.649 --> 01:23:16.710
do it. I still kind of want to go little by little

01:23:16.710 --> 01:23:20.170
and extend it as I go. Do one at a time. They're

01:23:20.170 --> 01:23:21.909
not going to notice. One day they're going to

01:23:21.909 --> 01:23:25.470
be completely surrounded. What can they do? You

01:23:25.470 --> 01:23:26.890
need more of that to go back to your original

01:23:26.890 --> 01:23:30.779
question. The community needed more. stuff like

01:23:30.779 --> 01:23:33.479
that before it went to the the route that it

01:23:33.479 --> 01:23:36.319
did um but people were very happy with what we

01:23:36.319 --> 01:23:40.020
did so there's exactly the people were happy

01:23:40.020 --> 01:23:43.100
but sadly bureaucracy kind of got in the way

01:23:43.100 --> 01:23:45.779
yeah the media didn't help you know they push

01:23:45.779 --> 01:23:48.260
people and into certain things i mean i know

01:23:48.260 --> 01:23:52.100
um that's a whole conversation you can have a

01:23:52.100 --> 01:23:54.840
you know an hour conversation on that particular

01:23:54.840 --> 01:23:58.279
topic but it's maybe part of it and i don't want

01:23:58.279 --> 01:24:01.449
to not the credit that I was going to mention,

01:24:01.510 --> 01:24:04.069
the magnitude of the incident, you know, 34 people

01:24:04.069 --> 01:24:08.670
total, you know, 17 and 17. I never want to forget

01:24:08.670 --> 01:24:11.010
the injury because that's another dynamic that

01:24:11.010 --> 01:24:13.550
has to be not, shouldn't be forgotten, excuse

01:24:13.550 --> 01:24:16.609
me, and some of those people are a little upset,

01:24:16.789 --> 01:24:19.329
but what I'm talking about is that the magnitude

01:24:19.329 --> 01:24:22.630
of the tragic event was so massive that I don't

01:24:22.630 --> 01:24:24.010
think people, they needed, like maybe you said

01:24:24.010 --> 01:24:26.949
it before, something to latch onto to help themselves

01:24:26.949 --> 01:24:30.470
get through. the process or to heal or to, to

01:24:30.470 --> 01:24:32.689
deal with the situation. You know, maybe that

01:24:32.689 --> 01:24:35.289
was a factor too. I'm not really sure, but you

01:24:35.289 --> 01:24:37.449
know, there was a couple of failures, I think.

01:24:37.449 --> 01:24:39.189
And I think just going back to what you said

01:24:39.189 --> 01:24:41.569
before, just some, some love and compassion and

01:24:41.569 --> 01:24:44.430
just taking everybody time to console and, and

01:24:44.430 --> 01:24:46.970
deal with what just happened. Well, I think an

01:24:46.970 --> 01:24:50.130
important thing. And I, when my friend was telling

01:24:50.130 --> 01:24:55.130
me about going into the scene, Where law enforcement

01:24:55.130 --> 01:24:57.050
and fire are different and law enforcement are

01:24:57.050 --> 01:25:01.550
going into an incident knowing there's a possibility

01:25:01.550 --> 01:25:03.970
that they might take a life and or lose a life.

01:25:04.670 --> 01:25:09.210
Usually fire, EMS, we get there and some catastrophes

01:25:09.210 --> 01:25:12.850
happen and it's nothing to do with us. We didn't

01:25:12.850 --> 01:25:14.229
shoot the person. You know what I mean? It's

01:25:14.229 --> 01:25:19.569
very different. In military, in war, they go

01:25:19.569 --> 01:25:22.310
into it as traumatic as it is in understanding.

01:25:22.960 --> 01:25:26.800
I might kill or be killed. A high school where

01:25:26.800 --> 01:25:30.800
you're thinking about how much math sucks or

01:25:30.800 --> 01:25:32.060
whatever you're thinking about. Social studies,

01:25:32.220 --> 01:25:36.640
yeah. And then you're in that event. If we can

01:25:36.640 --> 01:25:38.640
create these memorials and all these programs

01:25:38.640 --> 01:25:41.460
for our veterans, and rightly so, especially

01:25:41.460 --> 01:25:44.479
our combat veterans, we sure as hell need to

01:25:44.479 --> 01:25:47.399
focus on the children that survive these incidents.

01:25:47.539 --> 01:25:50.399
So absolutely, if red tape and bureaucracy gets

01:25:50.399 --> 01:25:55.000
in the way, you know we're totally wrong in that

01:25:55.000 --> 01:25:58.319
you know you what some of these people have been

01:25:58.319 --> 01:26:00.300
through the children the teachers you know the

01:26:00.300 --> 01:26:03.739
custodians everyone that was there you know we

01:26:03.739 --> 01:26:06.140
need we need to bend over backwards to to give

01:26:06.140 --> 01:26:08.439
outlets and if a healing garden and i'll give

01:26:08.439 --> 01:26:12.039
you a funny story oregon state penitentiary i

01:26:12.039 --> 01:26:15.920
had the governor on they allowed them to start

01:26:15.920 --> 01:26:19.579
like a zen garden and they've found like you

01:26:19.579 --> 01:26:22.180
know attrition not attrition but you know the

01:26:22.180 --> 01:26:24.119
violent crime in the prison has gone down some

01:26:24.119 --> 01:26:26.159
of the re -offending levels have gone down purely

01:26:26.159 --> 01:26:29.220
because they allowed these men and women a focus

01:26:29.220 --> 01:26:34.220
to simply garden so to put a roadblock up you

01:26:34.220 --> 01:26:35.819
know and even if they don't like the original

01:26:35.819 --> 01:26:38.979
plan then say well look hey we can't go all the

01:26:38.979 --> 01:26:40.560
way around the school but we're going to give

01:26:40.560 --> 01:26:42.899
you this this place and you know here's a little

01:26:42.899 --> 01:26:45.279
extra acreage that the city's given us you can

01:26:45.279 --> 01:26:48.149
kind of extend into So, yeah, I think, you know,

01:26:48.170 --> 01:26:49.689
that's the problem again where you lose that

01:26:49.689 --> 01:26:54.050
compassion, that human side is, you know, the

01:26:54.050 --> 01:26:57.590
emotional toll that it took you guys, you know,

01:26:57.609 --> 01:27:00.989
took from you guys that has to be applied positively.

01:27:01.069 --> 01:27:03.310
And I think a lot of that politics that we talk

01:27:03.310 --> 01:27:06.229
about just compounds the trauma again. Instead

01:27:06.229 --> 01:27:08.409
of healing, you completely negate the healing.

01:27:09.810 --> 01:27:12.470
Some of it might be a choice that they made too.

01:27:12.609 --> 01:27:16.020
I mean, I don't want to discredit that. that

01:27:16.020 --> 01:27:18.279
was their defining moment that was going to maybe

01:27:18.279 --> 01:27:20.680
steer them down their career path or something

01:27:20.680 --> 01:27:23.920
that they, you know, maybe they weren't ready

01:27:23.920 --> 01:27:25.319
to go there and it kind of, maybe you mentioned

01:27:25.319 --> 01:27:27.300
earlier as far as being forced into a spot that

01:27:27.300 --> 01:27:29.140
maybe you're going to go down there down the

01:27:29.140 --> 01:27:31.159
road and now it's here now and now you're going

01:27:31.159 --> 01:27:32.939
to go ahead and maybe the political route is

01:27:32.939 --> 01:27:35.079
where I'm, I guess where I'm going. I hate to

01:27:35.079 --> 01:27:37.220
keep bringing that up into it because it's, seems

01:27:37.220 --> 01:27:39.630
to be the stem of a lot of. I don't want to say

01:27:39.630 --> 01:27:42.229
failures, but a lot of certain situations. You're

01:27:42.229 --> 01:27:43.750
preaching to the choir, though, and that's something

01:27:43.750 --> 01:27:45.930
I talk about. Like, I'm not demonizing all. I

01:27:45.930 --> 01:27:47.689
hate the word all. It's not all politicians.

01:27:47.850 --> 01:27:50.270
No, it's not. But, you know, we see our profession.

01:27:50.510 --> 01:27:53.229
We see a lot of that. I mean, you know, the parallels

01:27:53.229 --> 01:27:55.909
between what Tory went through at school and

01:27:55.909 --> 01:27:59.029
what a lot of our men and women go through on

01:27:59.029 --> 01:28:01.529
the job are very similar. The lack of support

01:28:01.529 --> 01:28:04.449
sometimes are very similar. The politics that

01:28:04.449 --> 01:28:06.090
gets in the way, and it's something I talk about

01:28:06.090 --> 01:28:09.050
a lot, of the work week. That our first responders

01:28:09.050 --> 01:28:10.970
are working themselves to death, you know, is

01:28:10.970 --> 01:28:14.390
a lot of politics too. You touched on the media.

01:28:15.029 --> 01:28:19.649
And even though technically right now I am the

01:28:19.649 --> 01:28:21.850
media because we're doing an interview and it's

01:28:21.850 --> 01:28:26.130
going to go, you know, public. One of the biggest

01:28:26.130 --> 01:28:29.229
lacks of compassion that I've seen a lot of times

01:28:29.229 --> 01:28:32.470
is there'll be an event and immediately someone's

01:28:32.470 --> 01:28:35.090
sticking a microphone into the mother. Hey, your

01:28:35.090 --> 01:28:37.850
son just got shot. How do you feel? And it just

01:28:37.850 --> 01:28:41.510
is jaw -dropping because you are more concerned

01:28:41.510 --> 01:28:44.189
about your career path than what that person's

01:28:44.189 --> 01:28:45.689
just been through. Who's going to get the better

01:28:45.689 --> 01:28:49.010
story? Who's going to have the better footage

01:28:49.010 --> 01:28:52.130
or whatnot? Zero compassion. I was literally

01:28:52.130 --> 01:28:55.189
going to do the same thing. Oh, my God. Zero

01:28:55.189 --> 01:28:57.850
compassion for the mother that's grieving. And

01:28:57.850 --> 01:28:59.770
not to get off topic or anything, but in our

01:28:59.770 --> 01:29:03.750
profession, you have, and I convey this to people

01:29:03.750 --> 01:29:06.600
when I can have the conversation. how good and

01:29:06.600 --> 01:29:10.079
healthy it is to discuss certain topics. Especially

01:29:10.079 --> 01:29:12.340
with somebody in your field that she touched

01:29:12.340 --> 01:29:13.739
on a little bit earlier with one of the girls

01:29:13.739 --> 01:29:16.539
who wants to start having some therapy and was

01:29:16.539 --> 01:29:19.020
in the school. Having that relationship with

01:29:19.020 --> 01:29:21.659
somebody that was in the same instant is a little

01:29:21.659 --> 01:29:23.380
bit more of an understanding than your regular

01:29:23.380 --> 01:29:28.100
therapist. Crap, I totally had a... Yeah, where

01:29:28.100 --> 01:29:30.739
were you going? The media originally. No, it

01:29:30.739 --> 01:29:36.659
was the... Oh, it was... How, you know, obviously

01:29:36.659 --> 01:29:38.939
we're compassionate. We can pull up and it probably

01:29:38.939 --> 01:29:40.420
has nothing to do with that conversation because

01:29:40.420 --> 01:29:42.199
it was going down how they're too worried about

01:29:42.199 --> 01:29:45.880
the story. They don't care about compassion where

01:29:45.880 --> 01:29:49.659
we see a lot of trauma. So it's easier for us

01:29:49.659 --> 01:29:53.420
to pass along that compassion and I convey that

01:29:53.420 --> 01:29:55.079
to people. That's where I was going is that we

01:29:55.079 --> 01:29:57.140
witness it on a regular basis. So it's easier

01:29:57.140 --> 01:29:59.140
for us to blow crap off and say, hey, you know

01:29:59.140 --> 01:30:01.079
what? That's not really important. Focus on some

01:30:01.079 --> 01:30:02.439
of the positive things in life because, you know,

01:30:02.460 --> 01:30:05.039
we see people at their worst. Yes. And so it's

01:30:05.039 --> 01:30:07.020
a different perspective as opposed to the person

01:30:07.020 --> 01:30:08.880
with the microphone. He just, like we said before,

01:30:08.939 --> 01:30:11.560
I'm repeating myself, is he only cares about

01:30:11.560 --> 01:30:13.920
the story because, as you said, it's the career

01:30:13.920 --> 01:30:15.319
path that they're worried about. They don't care.

01:30:15.880 --> 01:30:18.500
Zero feelings, I guess you could say at that

01:30:18.500 --> 01:30:21.439
point. Yeah. So from your perspective, Tori,

01:30:21.539 --> 01:30:24.680
what that element, did you, because I saw, you

01:30:24.680 --> 01:30:26.520
know, beginning, we got a snapshot of David Hogg,

01:30:26.520 --> 01:30:29.880
who kind of became the poster child for, you

01:30:29.880 --> 01:30:33.850
know, the media, for lack of a better word. without

01:30:33.850 --> 01:30:36.470
again loading the question those first few weeks

01:30:36.470 --> 01:30:38.770
what was that like the media element for you

01:30:38.770 --> 01:30:42.710
i mean you saw also a snapchat in the documentary

01:30:42.710 --> 01:30:46.789
of the sidewalk full of cameras like there was

01:30:46.789 --> 01:30:49.550
not even room to walk and that was the first

01:30:49.550 --> 01:30:52.090
day back that was the first day back and every

01:30:52.090 --> 01:30:55.829
sidewalk is lined up hundreds hundreds of people

01:30:55.829 --> 01:30:58.770
just holding microphones out waiting for someone

01:30:58.770 --> 01:31:00.569
for someone anything come here come here kid

01:31:00.569 --> 01:31:06.659
get over here whatever Who were they going to

01:31:06.659 --> 01:31:09.479
get to talk to? Atrocious. I don't use that word.

01:31:09.819 --> 01:31:14.880
It's atrocious. I remember directing some anger.

01:31:15.460 --> 01:31:17.840
Obviously, I didn't know where to put it at the

01:31:17.840 --> 01:31:21.340
time, but it had come out towards them in a lot

01:31:21.340 --> 01:31:26.899
of ways because of the insensitivity and just

01:31:26.899 --> 01:31:31.000
disrespect. I mean, for us... one to be going

01:31:31.000 --> 01:31:34.859
back to school two weeks later 14 days later

01:31:34.859 --> 01:31:36.859
and what was the decision just just to interject

01:31:36.859 --> 01:31:40.920
what why why so soon it seemed like i don't know

01:31:40.920 --> 01:31:43.420
to me who someone is you know not someone we

01:31:43.420 --> 01:31:46.380
were all confused we were all confused but we

01:31:46.380 --> 01:31:49.720
just took 12 months off school yeah virtual because

01:31:49.720 --> 01:31:52.340
of a virus yeah and yet you have a mass shoot

01:31:52.340 --> 01:31:55.079
in the as you mentioned killed 17 injured 7 or

01:31:55.079 --> 01:31:58.029
wounded 17 excuse me And two weeks later, you're

01:31:58.029 --> 01:32:00.470
going back to school. Do you know the root of

01:32:00.470 --> 01:32:03.789
that? I have no idea. A lot of my anger was also

01:32:03.789 --> 01:32:09.229
mainly directed at administration, which I think,

01:32:09.250 --> 01:32:11.449
honestly, side note, might have been my healthiest

01:32:11.449 --> 01:32:15.789
decision at that time. But I didn't understand

01:32:15.789 --> 01:32:18.529
a lot of the decisions that they made, but I

01:32:18.529 --> 01:32:20.970
just did what was good for me. The only reason

01:32:20.970 --> 01:32:24.590
that I went back to school that day was to convince

01:32:24.590 --> 01:32:27.199
one of my buddies to go. I said, you could do

01:32:27.199 --> 01:32:29.000
it. You know, if I can do it, let's go. Like,

01:32:29.000 --> 01:32:31.439
let's do it. I really was not going to. It was

01:32:31.439 --> 01:32:36.600
kind of a team effort. We really acted as backbones

01:32:36.600 --> 01:32:39.979
for each other. But, yeah, the media was the

01:32:39.979 --> 01:32:43.840
worst part. Really awful. Just watching the kids

01:32:43.840 --> 01:32:45.960
from my, I mean, not my, my little two cents,

01:32:46.020 --> 01:32:49.680
sorry. For me, just sitting back looking at all

01:32:49.680 --> 01:32:52.119
that, I mean, it's, I don't say intimidating,

01:32:52.319 --> 01:32:57.659
but I. There was no privacy to even, there was

01:32:57.659 --> 01:33:01.340
no time to grieve. One, there was no privacy

01:33:01.340 --> 01:33:04.380
anywhere to just have a moment. If I wanted to

01:33:04.380 --> 01:33:06.500
cry, it was like, okay, every lens is going to

01:33:06.500 --> 01:33:09.159
be on me now. Because that'd be a great shot

01:33:09.159 --> 01:33:12.699
for 6 p .m. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

01:33:12.880 --> 01:33:17.560
So for me, that was just uncomfortable. And it's

01:33:17.560 --> 01:33:19.699
something that I feel like I can't even really

01:33:19.699 --> 01:33:24.510
process to this day, how people can lack. that

01:33:24.510 --> 01:33:27.050
level of compassion like if you're human how

01:33:27.050 --> 01:33:29.869
do you i understand that's your job but there's

01:33:29.869 --> 01:33:33.369
there's a way to go about it um and i remember

01:33:33.369 --> 01:33:38.850
meeting uh jake and emily who directed the movie

01:33:38.850 --> 01:33:43.930
the documentary this is just tying into uh what

01:33:43.930 --> 01:33:49.699
you're talking about what is it you know how

01:33:49.699 --> 01:33:51.539
are you talking about the moment literally that

01:33:51.539 --> 01:33:53.680
was Anthony just showed me a picture of yeah

01:33:53.680 --> 01:33:57.310
NBC is this particular one of you guys grieving.

01:33:57.550 --> 01:33:59.470
It makes a great show. And how many likes did

01:33:59.470 --> 01:34:02.489
it get? I don't even know. Let me look at it.

01:34:02.550 --> 01:34:05.670
I don't have my glasses. 1854 at the time. Oh,

01:34:05.689 --> 01:34:07.510
shit. It was worth it then. That's a lot of likes.

01:34:07.689 --> 01:34:10.670
But I just... Sorry, I tied in. I don't want

01:34:10.670 --> 01:34:13.449
to... It's exactly that. It's so pertinent. Because

01:34:13.449 --> 01:34:15.949
sadly, and I will get back to you, Tor, but what

01:34:15.949 --> 01:34:18.029
irks me is there are some great news agencies

01:34:18.029 --> 01:34:21.149
out there, but there are a lot that are selling

01:34:21.149 --> 01:34:24.439
advertising space. And that is the focus. And

01:34:24.439 --> 01:34:29.920
so when you have something like this, and ratings

01:34:29.920 --> 01:34:33.340
is more important than feelings, shame on you.

01:34:33.460 --> 01:34:35.520
That was a lot of what was happening, but I was

01:34:35.520 --> 01:34:37.380
about to put a little bit of a positive spin

01:34:37.380 --> 01:34:39.460
on it, because I remember meeting the people

01:34:39.460 --> 01:34:42.640
who directed the documentary that I starred in.

01:34:43.500 --> 01:34:45.520
I hate, that's not what I wanted to say, but

01:34:45.520 --> 01:34:49.739
that I took part in. And how much of a different

01:34:49.739 --> 01:34:51.899
approach that they had. They were genuine journalists

01:34:51.899 --> 01:34:55.479
who... Very nice people. Very nice. Who had heart

01:34:55.479 --> 01:34:58.220
to heart with us that actually sat down and said,

01:34:58.300 --> 01:35:02.000
whatever you're comfortable with, let's do. They

01:35:02.000 --> 01:35:05.840
came into our homes at the hardest points, at

01:35:05.840 --> 01:35:08.319
the milestones, at literally the hardest days.

01:35:09.560 --> 01:35:11.840
And for some reason, I still was willing to do

01:35:11.840 --> 01:35:14.800
it. But it was definitely their energy, a lot

01:35:14.800 --> 01:35:18.939
different than just newscasters who were in your

01:35:18.939 --> 01:35:22.449
face. Yeah, I think that there are people who

01:35:22.449 --> 01:35:23.869
know how to do their job and there are people

01:35:23.869 --> 01:35:26.789
who are just wanting to get paid, maybe. I don't

01:35:26.789 --> 01:35:30.630
know. Very insensitive, though. This goes back

01:35:30.630 --> 01:35:33.109
to who's got the better picture. Yeah. You know,

01:35:33.149 --> 01:35:36.670
the better story. But I think that it just, the

01:35:36.670 --> 01:35:41.470
invasion, that's what I can call it. It was quite

01:35:41.470 --> 01:35:45.630
literally an invasion on our life. And that's

01:35:45.630 --> 01:35:47.630
something that I still struggle with now is how...

01:35:48.950 --> 01:35:53.390
People feel like they have a right to give me

01:35:53.390 --> 01:35:58.170
their two cents on the most personal parts of

01:35:58.170 --> 01:36:01.109
my existence because of how broadcasted my life

01:36:01.109 --> 01:36:04.189
was at that point because Joaquin's face was

01:36:04.189 --> 01:36:05.550
everywhere and everyone wanted to know about

01:36:05.550 --> 01:36:06.970
him and then it's like, okay, well, where is

01:36:06.970 --> 01:36:10.149
his family and how much pain is his girlfriend

01:36:10.149 --> 01:36:13.829
in and all of these things and people wanted

01:36:13.829 --> 01:36:18.069
so much from me and people still feel... The

01:36:18.069 --> 01:36:19.630
right to come up to me there was a woman who

01:36:19.630 --> 01:36:22.609
came up to me asking Well, what do you think

01:36:22.609 --> 01:36:25.250
he's gonna feel when you move on or whatever

01:36:25.250 --> 01:36:27.409
like crazy questions that I'm like lady I don't

01:36:27.409 --> 01:36:29.970
even know you like who are you but because of

01:36:29.970 --> 01:36:33.090
the way that my life was shown to the world people

01:36:33.090 --> 01:36:39.210
feel That they have special permission to dig

01:36:39.210 --> 01:36:42.750
deeper which is why sometimes I struggle doing

01:36:42.750 --> 01:36:44.970
things like this, but I do trust you and I appreciate

01:36:44.970 --> 01:36:48.229
your authenticity. I can feel it. But there are

01:36:48.229 --> 01:36:50.069
people who scare me because they're going to

01:36:50.069 --> 01:36:53.109
ask me awful things that they just want to see

01:36:53.109 --> 01:36:57.729
me cry or they want the worst things or they

01:36:57.729 --> 01:36:59.390
just want to know information that should just

01:36:59.390 --> 01:37:01.090
be mine. Like there's a lot of things that are

01:37:01.090 --> 01:37:03.510
out there that I would never want out there.

01:37:04.350 --> 01:37:06.470
And so it's really difficult. It was definitely

01:37:06.470 --> 01:37:11.279
an invasion of space, of privacy. complete disrespect.

01:37:11.739 --> 01:37:15.279
And I can just make the best of it now. I mean,

01:37:15.279 --> 01:37:17.619
I have created my own platform with that and

01:37:17.619 --> 01:37:21.600
have turned a positive spin on it as well with

01:37:21.600 --> 01:37:26.100
my art. And I post a lot of positive messages

01:37:26.100 --> 01:37:31.659
and people are very inspired by my ability to

01:37:31.659 --> 01:37:33.899
shapeshift the situation and to say, you know,

01:37:33.939 --> 01:37:36.760
I can choose to sit in a corner all day. I very

01:37:36.760 --> 01:37:39.329
well could be doing that right now. But all we

01:37:39.329 --> 01:37:40.989
have is this moment, so what am I going to really

01:37:40.989 --> 01:37:45.510
do with it? And I definitely, everything happens

01:37:45.510 --> 01:37:48.109
for a reason, and I don't regret what happened.

01:37:48.590 --> 01:37:52.010
As far as media, I do wish that it went on differently,

01:37:52.029 --> 01:37:55.350
but I was able to really, really make the best

01:37:55.350 --> 01:38:00.210
of it. So there's that. Yeah. Well, I want to

01:38:00.210 --> 01:38:02.810
close with one more kind of thought process.

01:38:04.229 --> 01:38:06.609
Actually, two things. First, we'll talk about,

01:38:06.689 --> 01:38:09.340
you know, the... the kind of journey mentally

01:38:09.340 --> 01:38:12.520
have you know what what did work for you i mean

01:38:12.520 --> 01:38:14.979
i'm gonna say work not like it's fixed now but

01:38:14.979 --> 01:38:17.399
you know some things that were healing but before

01:38:17.399 --> 01:38:19.819
we do that from both of you and i'll ask you

01:38:19.819 --> 01:38:23.479
one at a time what should we do to make the school

01:38:23.479 --> 01:38:27.239
safer so with with the arguments that were thrown

01:38:27.239 --> 01:38:29.180
around like i said for me there are so many layers

01:38:29.180 --> 01:38:31.020
through through my eyes if someone asked me this

01:38:31.020 --> 01:38:32.979
question it would be the mental health element

01:38:32.979 --> 01:38:36.490
you know it would be parenting it would be It

01:38:36.490 --> 01:38:39.189
amazes me that people will go home and relax

01:38:39.189 --> 01:38:41.930
after a work day and watch Saw. A bunch of people

01:38:41.930 --> 01:38:44.770
being mutilated and tortured and find a lot of

01:38:44.770 --> 01:38:47.350
some steam and watch 12 people die. I feel better

01:38:47.350 --> 01:38:49.869
now. So we have to question ourselves, why do

01:38:49.869 --> 01:38:52.109
we like that? Grand theft and all these things.

01:38:53.310 --> 01:38:56.050
But there's also, with the gun thing, I'm British.

01:38:56.529 --> 01:39:00.229
I grew up on a farm. I was allowed to have shotguns.

01:39:00.510 --> 01:39:03.409
And that was about it. So I had guns, not anti

01:39:03.409 --> 01:39:06.020
-gun. But then I was amazed when I went to Gander

01:39:06.020 --> 01:39:09.960
Mountain in the U .S. and watched five -year

01:39:09.960 --> 01:39:12.479
-olds playing with semi -automatic weapons and

01:39:12.479 --> 01:39:16.600
50 cows up on the wall. There's a middle ground

01:39:16.600 --> 01:39:20.420
where the average person maybe shouldn't be able

01:39:20.420 --> 01:39:23.159
to get the entire spectrum of military -grade

01:39:23.159 --> 01:39:26.680
weapons. So it's not black or white. There's

01:39:26.680 --> 01:39:31.500
a happy medium to me personally. And then for

01:39:31.500 --> 01:39:34.460
me again with the SRO. the right person at all

01:39:34.460 --> 01:39:36.159
i think that's a great deterrent i think a lot

01:39:36.159 --> 01:39:40.180
of you know school murderers would be deterred

01:39:40.180 --> 01:39:42.579
by the right person in the right uniform at the

01:39:42.579 --> 01:39:48.500
right door so starting with you tori politics

01:39:48.500 --> 01:39:51.920
aside if if you could king for queen for a day

01:39:51.920 --> 01:39:56.119
excuse me um what should we do to make our schools

01:39:56.119 --> 01:40:00.439
safer i think it does start with mental health

01:40:00.439 --> 01:40:03.130
um I think it needs to be taken more seriously

01:40:03.130 --> 01:40:09.270
in school. That someone who's behaving, let's

01:40:09.270 --> 01:40:12.630
say, quote -unquote, wrongly, I don't know what

01:40:12.630 --> 01:40:15.489
else to call it, misbehaving, all right, misbehaving.

01:40:17.090 --> 01:40:20.949
I think that there should be people, teachers,

01:40:21.050 --> 01:40:26.229
who can see that as an opportunity to help someone

01:40:26.229 --> 01:40:30.199
rather than to push them further down. I think

01:40:30.199 --> 01:40:32.619
that that's huge in school. I always saw that

01:40:32.619 --> 01:40:38.819
as like the loud kid or the goofball is made

01:40:38.819 --> 01:40:42.079
to feel worse and is to be punished rather than,

01:40:42.079 --> 01:40:45.380
well, what's making you act this way? Why do

01:40:45.380 --> 01:40:47.060
you feel this way? Why do you feel the need to

01:40:47.060 --> 01:40:50.180
be the loudest in the room? Are you neglected

01:40:50.180 --> 01:40:52.680
at home? There are so many things that go into

01:40:52.680 --> 01:40:56.960
that that are very quickly overlooked. I think

01:40:56.960 --> 01:41:00.199
that it really starts with that. Because even

01:41:00.199 --> 01:41:04.079
at school, there were, at my school, there were

01:41:04.079 --> 01:41:07.319
programs for, what, like the Promise Program

01:41:07.319 --> 01:41:11.199
and different things that kids were thrown into,

01:41:11.319 --> 01:41:15.680
but there was no real support. It's just, I'm

01:41:15.680 --> 01:41:17.460
going to put you in this group, I'm going to

01:41:17.460 --> 01:41:21.680
label you, and now you're in a box, and you can't

01:41:21.680 --> 01:41:23.960
do anything else, and you can't be anything else.

01:41:24.039 --> 01:41:28.380
And I think... just mental health is a huge conversation

01:41:28.380 --> 01:41:33.340
uh that needs to keep going um but it does start

01:41:33.340 --> 01:41:36.460
with the adults that are working at school there

01:41:36.460 --> 01:41:38.399
are so many things that you can do simply to

01:41:38.399 --> 01:41:41.560
look out for your students to look out for your

01:41:41.560 --> 01:41:45.520
colleagues to just be kind really that's that's

01:41:45.520 --> 01:41:49.560
my main thing i don't i don't think about yes

01:41:49.560 --> 01:41:53.180
security is a thing that's not top of my brain

01:41:53.180 --> 01:41:57.420
i do think that When I think about specific things

01:41:57.420 --> 01:42:01.600
that went wrong, there were security guards who

01:42:01.600 --> 01:42:06.199
dismissed the kid himself, said, I'm going to

01:42:06.199 --> 01:42:07.380
go the other way. I'm going to go get someone

01:42:07.380 --> 01:42:09.920
else. I'm not going to approach him myself. I'm

01:42:09.920 --> 01:42:11.859
going to let, even though I know he's holding

01:42:11.859 --> 01:42:13.460
a rifle bag and I know he's walking into that

01:42:13.460 --> 01:42:15.220
building, I'm going to go the other way. Like

01:42:15.220 --> 01:42:17.199
that's something like you, there needs to be

01:42:17.199 --> 01:42:20.180
people who are prepared, who have the mindset

01:42:20.180 --> 01:42:23.539
that they need to have, who have the strength

01:42:23.539 --> 01:42:32.189
needed. There are so many things that were simply

01:42:32.189 --> 01:42:36.970
solvable. But it starts with mindset. So mental

01:42:36.970 --> 01:42:39.090
health really is the top. I don't think about

01:42:39.090 --> 01:42:42.050
like fences or doors or I don't think about that

01:42:42.050 --> 01:42:44.210
stuff because I think it starts way before that.

01:42:45.350 --> 01:42:49.729
That's my spiel. Yeah. No, I agree with you completely.

01:42:49.890 --> 01:42:53.710
It's the conversation of the militarization of

01:42:53.710 --> 01:42:56.680
police. Well right now our police have been executed

01:42:56.680 --> 01:42:59.760
left right and center so if you're a cop wouldn't

01:42:59.760 --> 01:43:02.300
you want to wear a jacket and a helmet and you

01:43:02.300 --> 01:43:06.300
know all that stuff so you know what's next then

01:43:06.300 --> 01:43:10.279
the bad guys get armor penetrate you know you

01:43:10.279 --> 01:43:11.939
know I mean it just gets worse and worse and

01:43:11.939 --> 01:43:14.880
worse you see that with the Mexican border the

01:43:14.880 --> 01:43:17.420
answer is to go back to the beginning you know

01:43:17.420 --> 01:43:19.760
like you said a gun is just a gun if a psychopath

01:43:19.760 --> 01:43:23.939
isn't holding it you know. So, yeah, I couldn't

01:43:23.939 --> 01:43:26.640
agree more. I had a guy, Pasi Solberg, on who's

01:43:26.640 --> 01:43:29.319
originally from Finland, which we hold as one

01:43:29.319 --> 01:43:31.699
of the best education systems. And one of the

01:43:31.699 --> 01:43:35.260
big difference wasn't the Finnish boys and girls

01:43:35.260 --> 01:43:38.140
were just so much more intelligent. It was the

01:43:38.140 --> 01:43:39.819
teachers were basically looking at the child

01:43:39.819 --> 01:43:42.960
as a whole human being and gave more support

01:43:42.960 --> 01:43:45.119
to kids that maybe didn't have the best home

01:43:45.119 --> 01:43:47.720
life and had the mental health element and had

01:43:47.720 --> 01:43:51.239
shorter days and more playtime. You know, rather

01:43:51.239 --> 01:43:58.239
than FSAs and 5 .0 GPAs and all this stuff. Seems

01:43:58.239 --> 01:44:01.439
simple. Absolutely. To look at someone. Sorry.

01:44:01.539 --> 01:44:04.640
No, no, no. Don't apologize. No, no. To think

01:44:04.640 --> 01:44:07.420
of someone as a human being is outrageous in

01:44:07.420 --> 01:44:11.680
this day and age. We're all just human and that's

01:44:11.680 --> 01:44:13.359
what it is. I like that you're saying that. To

01:44:13.359 --> 01:44:15.039
see someone as a whole human being shouldn't

01:44:15.039 --> 01:44:19.340
be that difficult. For me, I even look at...

01:44:19.500 --> 01:44:21.939
the shooter himself i see him as a human being

01:44:21.939 --> 01:44:23.699
like that's where i was going before and like

01:44:23.699 --> 01:44:26.500
i don't think that people have the same outlook

01:44:26.500 --> 01:44:29.159
as me because it's very difficult to come to

01:44:29.159 --> 01:44:31.859
that conclusion of yes he's a human being just

01:44:31.859 --> 01:44:34.479
like any of us he made decisions that maybe we

01:44:34.479 --> 01:44:36.180
don't agree with but he's still a human being

01:44:36.180 --> 01:44:39.739
and that's what it is so i think we should see

01:44:39.739 --> 01:44:44.800
everyone as they are and yeah human yeah i agree

01:44:44.800 --> 01:44:46.899
100 i think it's a very mature decision that

01:44:46.899 --> 01:44:50.829
shows that you know you've process a lot of what

01:44:50.829 --> 01:44:54.609
you went through yeah um and i want to get to

01:44:54.609 --> 01:44:56.810
that in just a moment but anthony same thing

01:44:56.810 --> 01:45:00.109
if we if you were king for a day i got the sex

01:45:00.109 --> 01:45:03.970
right on this one you know especially through

01:45:03.970 --> 01:45:06.829
a responder's lens you know would would it be

01:45:06.829 --> 01:45:08.109
the same thing where you have you got things

01:45:08.109 --> 01:45:10.750
to add how do we make our children safer in 2021

01:45:10.750 --> 01:45:16.430
mental health obviously is a huge component but

01:45:16.430 --> 01:45:19.579
there's a Other areas that could be focused on,

01:45:19.640 --> 01:45:23.380
and it's not just the child or something like

01:45:23.380 --> 01:45:25.680
that. It is the teachers, making sure they're

01:45:25.680 --> 01:45:29.359
involved with their kids and they're not tuned

01:45:29.359 --> 01:45:36.319
out. Engage with them. I mean, it's hard. I'm

01:45:36.319 --> 01:45:39.720
an instructor on the fire academy side of it,

01:45:39.739 --> 01:45:41.180
so it's a little bit different, obviously, than

01:45:41.180 --> 01:45:46.260
the public school system. But I try to apply

01:45:46.260 --> 01:45:49.380
the... And engage with the student where I can

01:45:49.380 --> 01:45:52.119
so I can teach them the best that I can and understand

01:45:52.119 --> 01:45:54.960
a little bit of that person. So if there's something

01:45:54.960 --> 01:45:56.619
that's not right, which might tie into mental

01:45:56.619 --> 01:45:59.260
health where I can recognize, okay, this person's

01:45:59.260 --> 01:46:02.060
not acting right. Something's going on. Actually

01:46:02.060 --> 01:46:05.699
care, you know, caring. So as far as kind of

01:46:05.699 --> 01:46:07.060
understanding that and just treat it as another

01:46:07.060 --> 01:46:08.720
day. Okay, we're going to go with social studies

01:46:08.720 --> 01:46:10.720
today and, you know, check out and just go through

01:46:10.720 --> 01:46:12.560
your routine or your plan or whatever it is and

01:46:12.560 --> 01:46:17.010
not really buy in. and engage. Maybe that has

01:46:17.010 --> 01:46:19.430
to do with you not liking your job. I'm not labeling

01:46:19.430 --> 01:46:22.229
saying teachers don't like their job, but that's

01:46:22.229 --> 01:46:23.909
a factor because if you don't really enjoy what

01:46:23.909 --> 01:46:26.470
you're doing, you're not going to put out a good

01:46:26.470 --> 01:46:28.050
quality product. You're not going to pay attention

01:46:28.050 --> 01:46:29.869
to the kids and make sure they're literally learning

01:46:29.869 --> 01:46:32.170
the material you're trying to do and create that

01:46:32.170 --> 01:46:33.850
bond because there's some teachers that can create

01:46:33.850 --> 01:46:37.149
bonds with kids from many, many years through

01:46:37.149 --> 01:46:39.789
their whole school career where she would go

01:46:39.789 --> 01:46:41.329
back to elementary school because of certain

01:46:41.329 --> 01:46:44.859
teachers that left an impact. That kind of stuff

01:46:44.859 --> 01:46:49.840
is simple, I think. So from internally and externally,

01:46:50.039 --> 01:46:51.979
if you would look at it, externally, continue.

01:46:52.600 --> 01:46:54.199
Unfortunately, in our day and age, we're in the

01:46:54.199 --> 01:46:56.939
mindset of having to pay attention to who's coming

01:46:56.939 --> 01:46:58.380
and going in the schools. We're going to have

01:46:58.380 --> 01:47:02.640
to continue to do that until we get the mindset

01:47:02.640 --> 01:47:08.619
that people feel safe. I don't know if it's good

01:47:08.619 --> 01:47:10.680
or if it's bad. I don't want the kids to feel

01:47:10.680 --> 01:47:12.680
like a prison because then it's... That's going

01:47:12.680 --> 01:47:15.159
to have an adverse effect too, but they still

01:47:15.159 --> 01:47:16.720
need to pay attention to who's coming and going

01:47:16.720 --> 01:47:18.680
because not to get off topic, we'll come back

01:47:18.680 --> 01:47:21.579
to it, but the individual that saw this guy coming

01:47:21.579 --> 01:47:24.640
in is the sole person that could have stopped

01:47:24.640 --> 01:47:26.840
this whole day. He was well within his rights

01:47:26.840 --> 01:47:29.579
to stop the individual, but being alert, and

01:47:29.579 --> 01:47:32.300
maybe that ties into this too, is not being afraid

01:47:32.300 --> 01:47:35.699
to engage somebody that maybe doesn't belong

01:47:35.699 --> 01:47:41.609
on the property or, again, Just go for security

01:47:41.609 --> 01:47:44.770
or the cops. You try to build a relationship.

01:47:45.270 --> 01:47:46.850
I mean, today, obviously, it's a little bit hard,

01:47:46.949 --> 01:47:50.670
but pay attention to your people. Maybe, I don't

01:47:50.670 --> 01:47:53.109
know, this might be a stretch, but an undercover

01:47:53.109 --> 01:47:55.789
individual hanging out in the classrooms. You

01:47:55.789 --> 01:47:57.970
know, just to engage and get on their level so

01:47:57.970 --> 01:47:59.869
you might see something, say something, may play

01:47:59.869 --> 01:48:02.590
out internally amongst the kids. I think they're

01:48:02.590 --> 01:48:04.430
doing a better job of that now, and this goes

01:48:04.430 --> 01:48:06.470
for the kids, too. They see something, don't

01:48:06.470 --> 01:48:08.560
be afraid to say something. It's the littlest

01:48:08.560 --> 01:48:10.239
thing. Bring it to somebody's attention. I mean,

01:48:10.239 --> 01:48:12.460
I know I kind of went around a little bit a couple

01:48:12.460 --> 01:48:16.840
different ways, but I don't know if I have a

01:48:16.840 --> 01:48:21.859
really good solution or suggestion for a solution

01:48:21.859 --> 01:48:24.319
or my thoughts. I mean, I'm kind of, it's so

01:48:24.319 --> 01:48:26.920
involved. It's so big. So many things can be

01:48:26.920 --> 01:48:29.779
done, but simple things. I mean, yes, the mental

01:48:29.779 --> 01:48:35.529
health aspect of it is huge. Just going to pay

01:48:35.529 --> 01:48:37.270
a little bit more attention to our youth, I guess.

01:48:37.770 --> 01:48:39.770
Yeah. I mean, you can't stop the individual that

01:48:39.770 --> 01:48:42.510
maybe doesn't like school for whatever reason.

01:48:42.569 --> 01:48:44.350
I mean, I don't totally reach in here with that,

01:48:44.369 --> 01:48:47.289
but I don't know. I'm just kind of off the beaten

01:48:47.289 --> 01:48:50.850
path there. No, but it's a very powerful perspective

01:48:50.850 --> 01:48:53.050
from the two of you. And again, I thank you for

01:48:53.050 --> 01:48:59.210
this. But absolutely. I mean, the number of incidents

01:48:59.210 --> 01:49:01.029
that have been stopped because someone challenged

01:49:01.029 --> 01:49:04.329
someone in a school. because they weren't in

01:49:04.329 --> 01:49:06.510
their mind it didn't pay out like that they were

01:49:06.510 --> 01:49:10.069
the powerful one they had the weapon and it really

01:49:10.069 --> 01:49:12.350
sickens me to think that had he challenged him

01:49:12.350 --> 01:49:14.210
he may well have just crumpled and that would

01:49:14.210 --> 01:49:17.390
be it you know and instead he was able to do

01:49:17.390 --> 01:49:20.489
what he did you know pretty much unchallenged

01:49:20.489 --> 01:49:22.010
you know the coach lost his life and you know

01:49:22.010 --> 01:49:24.810
some other people i'm sure tried to but he'd

01:49:24.810 --> 01:49:27.029
already had the the power move by that point

01:49:27.029 --> 01:49:30.630
so yeah and i think the creating environment

01:49:30.630 --> 01:49:33.699
like firefighters our teachers aren't well -paid

01:49:33.699 --> 01:49:36.300
you know they a lot of you know i know my son's

01:49:36.300 --> 01:49:38.619
teachers were supplying school supplies themselves

01:49:38.619 --> 01:49:41.600
and all that thing so again you have to hire

01:49:41.600 --> 01:49:43.359
the right people but you have to give them the

01:49:43.359 --> 01:49:46.340
environment to thrive not fail and it's exactly

01:49:46.340 --> 01:49:48.600
the same in the first responder professions yeah

01:49:48.600 --> 01:49:51.560
i um i was going to say that you only get out

01:49:51.560 --> 01:49:53.840
of this stuff what you put into it and that could

01:49:53.840 --> 01:49:58.210
be applied anywhere you know um God, I hate when

01:49:58.210 --> 01:50:00.649
I do that. I lose my thought. I had a nice thought

01:50:00.649 --> 01:50:02.550
I wanted to mention and maybe it'll come back

01:50:02.550 --> 01:50:05.069
to me later, but it was to tie into that whole

01:50:05.069 --> 01:50:07.829
thing. Dang it. Well, let me ask Tori one more

01:50:07.829 --> 01:50:09.550
thing and then see if it comes back to you. So

01:50:09.550 --> 01:50:14.329
to close, you went through this horrific thing.

01:50:14.449 --> 01:50:18.550
You lost your soulmate, plus a bunch of other

01:50:18.550 --> 01:50:23.050
members of your school and or friends. Of course,

01:50:23.050 --> 01:50:26.880
the dark side of that is this. fucking awful

01:50:26.880 --> 01:50:30.579
for lack of a better word what has worked what

01:50:30.579 --> 01:50:34.979
has helped the last few years from you get for

01:50:34.979 --> 01:50:38.359
you to get from that dark place to where you

01:50:38.359 --> 01:50:41.079
are today not saying today is perfect but you're

01:50:41.079 --> 01:50:43.699
better you've grown you're you're driven now

01:50:43.699 --> 01:50:46.560
you have your art that's that's what i was gonna

01:50:46.560 --> 01:50:49.779
start with uh i remember those days after sitting

01:50:49.779 --> 01:50:53.840
in my backyard for hours on end like it would

01:50:54.420 --> 01:50:56.359
start to get dark out and I didn't realize that

01:50:56.359 --> 01:50:58.439
I had been there since the morning. All I'm doing

01:50:58.439 --> 01:51:03.319
outside is painting for hours. I got into a lot

01:51:03.319 --> 01:51:06.520
of different projects. I was finally, that's

01:51:06.520 --> 01:51:08.359
when I was able to call myself an artist. I was

01:51:08.359 --> 01:51:12.180
doing it every day and I was like, why? You don't

01:51:12.180 --> 01:51:15.880
have to have a special certification. I'm creating

01:51:15.880 --> 01:51:19.479
and this is what I'm doing. And that gave me...

01:51:19.880 --> 01:51:23.739
some guidance just calling myself that uh like

01:51:23.739 --> 01:51:29.220
allowing myself to step into that role um i started

01:51:29.220 --> 01:51:34.199
yoga um and i didn't even i don't even know what

01:51:34.199 --> 01:51:37.840
brought me to that first class i mean spirit

01:51:37.840 --> 01:51:45.619
something because i remember feeling the feeling

01:51:45.619 --> 01:51:50.470
what's the word i was looking for the potential

01:51:50.470 --> 01:51:54.390
not potential the capability that I had inside

01:51:54.390 --> 01:51:56.890
of me for anything I mean yes it's yoga you're

01:51:56.890 --> 01:51:59.050
just stretching and and doing this and that but

01:51:59.050 --> 01:52:01.010
it's so much of a spiritual practice as well

01:52:01.010 --> 01:52:04.670
where it challenges your brain it challenges

01:52:04.670 --> 01:52:08.310
your body it challenges everything if you let

01:52:08.310 --> 01:52:11.449
it um I felt the strength of my body and then

01:52:11.449 --> 01:52:13.810
I related that to the strength in my heart and

01:52:13.810 --> 01:52:18.590
it just it really changed me And I didn't have

01:52:18.590 --> 01:52:20.649
the thought to teach at that point. I was just

01:52:20.649 --> 01:52:21.750
like, you know what, this is something that I

01:52:21.750 --> 01:52:23.149
really love to do and I'm going to keep doing

01:52:23.149 --> 01:52:28.289
it. So here I am painting, doing yoga. It sent

01:52:28.289 --> 01:52:32.649
me on, honestly, just a very spiritual journey.

01:52:32.949 --> 01:52:36.449
And it's spirituality that saved me, understanding

01:52:36.449 --> 01:52:39.890
that I'm more than this body, that I'm more than

01:52:39.890 --> 01:52:43.069
the experience that happened to me, that I have

01:52:43.069 --> 01:52:46.819
the power to change other lives by... knowing

01:52:46.819 --> 01:52:50.840
that I have a choice in how I want to react to

01:52:50.840 --> 01:52:54.199
it, that I don't have to crumble, that I can

01:52:54.199 --> 01:52:56.399
when I need to. And that's also something huge

01:52:56.399 --> 01:53:01.439
is learning acceptance. And I have not accepted

01:53:01.439 --> 01:53:03.699
the situation yet, but accepting the emotions

01:53:03.699 --> 01:53:07.739
that come with it, accepting my humanness, embracing

01:53:07.739 --> 01:53:13.020
my humanness, while also honoring that this is

01:53:13.020 --> 01:53:16.399
not all that I am. And the experience is not

01:53:16.399 --> 01:53:21.460
all that I am. So it's really like spirituality

01:53:21.460 --> 01:53:23.680
was everything. I got a bunch of crystals. I

01:53:23.680 --> 01:53:28.319
was doing just random stuff, connecting to the

01:53:28.319 --> 01:53:30.420
earth. That's something that's helped me a lot

01:53:30.420 --> 01:53:34.119
is just being in nature, remembering gratitude,

01:53:34.319 --> 01:53:36.779
remembering the miracle of that one tree that's

01:53:36.779 --> 01:53:39.539
allowing you to breathe and that there's just

01:53:39.539 --> 01:53:45.210
so much more than that one experience. it haunts

01:53:45.210 --> 01:53:49.189
me or as as present as it is in my life it is

01:53:49.189 --> 01:53:52.130
not the present moment so i can live with it

01:53:52.130 --> 01:53:55.350
but i'm not there and i i think that my self

01:53:55.350 --> 01:53:59.109
-awareness has has really helped me in this journey

01:53:59.109 --> 01:54:04.390
um yeah i could go into a lot more but that's

01:54:04.390 --> 01:54:08.649
that's really yep i don't know no and you know

01:54:08.649 --> 01:54:11.689
what's what's amazing is it parallels so many

01:54:11.689 --> 01:54:13.609
other people have been on here many of whom were

01:54:14.560 --> 01:54:16.640
soldiers, police officers, firefighters, but

01:54:16.640 --> 01:54:20.720
it's the same thing. Family, tribe, nature, art.

01:54:21.119 --> 01:54:24.520
I mean, you know, gratitude is a huge one. So,

01:54:24.539 --> 01:54:26.500
yeah, I mean, we're seeing these common denominators,

01:54:26.500 --> 01:54:29.500
whether you're a 50 -year -old retired SEAL or,

01:54:29.560 --> 01:54:32.760
you know, just came out of high school. It's

01:54:32.760 --> 01:54:36.340
very powerful to see that these same things are,

01:54:36.340 --> 01:54:38.880
you know, resonating. I think art is, you know,

01:54:38.899 --> 01:54:41.619
absolutely huge. You're able to focus that energy

01:54:41.619 --> 01:54:44.199
rather than some polarizing political thing.

01:54:44.359 --> 01:54:47.939
Now you can focus your emotion same way as Joaquin

01:54:47.939 --> 01:54:51.520
does. Excuse me, Joaquin's dad does. Beautiful.

01:54:52.779 --> 01:54:57.079
Just one more thing. My creations with my art

01:54:57.079 --> 01:55:00.899
helps me because I send it to other people around

01:55:00.899 --> 01:55:04.199
the world and they're motivated by it and they

01:55:04.199 --> 01:55:09.939
want to start their healing journey. I get by

01:55:09.939 --> 01:55:12.479
by helping others get by. That's from the first

01:55:12.479 --> 01:55:15.060
day. I remember the day after everyone was like,

01:55:15.119 --> 01:55:17.079
why are you here? I went, I showed up to the

01:55:17.079 --> 01:55:19.600
vigil. I don't even know how I did it. And everyone's

01:55:19.600 --> 01:55:21.199
like, why are you here? How are you hugging everyone?

01:55:21.340 --> 01:55:23.279
How are you not crying? How are you? I'm sitting

01:55:23.279 --> 01:55:25.279
there talking to all of his friends, kind of

01:55:25.279 --> 01:55:30.000
giving them closers, if you will, like don't

01:55:30.000 --> 01:55:32.520
hold on to any fight that you had and really

01:55:32.520 --> 01:55:37.300
just give some kind of closure. That was also,

01:55:37.359 --> 01:55:42.319
I felt, being channeled. But helping others,

01:55:42.420 --> 01:55:44.760
my whole life, we started with this conversation.

01:55:45.000 --> 01:55:46.779
My whole life is about helping other people.

01:55:46.979 --> 01:55:51.520
And realizing my purpose came from this tragedy.

01:55:51.779 --> 01:55:55.159
Knowing that that drive to help other people

01:55:55.159 --> 01:55:59.260
wasn't just an idea, a thought. It is my entire

01:55:59.260 --> 01:56:04.079
purpose on this earth to give back. to have processed

01:56:04.079 --> 01:56:07.760
all the pain and do something with it. So now

01:56:07.760 --> 01:56:10.079
I'm done. Which is beautiful because you're a

01:56:10.079 --> 01:56:13.979
miracle baby from a man who has the same purpose.

01:56:14.300 --> 01:56:18.739
Yes. Thank you. So Anthony, same thing for you,

01:56:18.779 --> 01:56:21.680
processing not only that event, but I mean 20

01:56:21.680 --> 01:56:27.720
plus years in the fire service. I sometimes have

01:56:27.720 --> 01:56:33.210
to step back and ask myself how I do it. As I

01:56:33.210 --> 01:56:35.970
mentioned earlier, we see a lot of stuff that

01:56:35.970 --> 01:56:38.789
the general public don't see, and sometimes on

01:56:38.789 --> 01:56:42.449
a regular basis. The tragedy was obviously in

01:56:42.449 --> 01:56:48.890
a scale by itself, but 25 years, 27 years have

01:56:48.890 --> 01:56:51.409
included all my time to this day, and I still

01:56:51.409 --> 01:56:54.869
have about 11 more to go before I retire. You're

01:56:54.869 --> 01:56:59.090
a glutton for punishment. But I think the love

01:56:59.090 --> 01:57:03.310
for the job and... And the genuine want to help

01:57:03.310 --> 01:57:05.770
and do things for other people is what keeps

01:57:05.770 --> 01:57:09.909
me going in the job aspect of it. But the tragedy

01:57:09.909 --> 01:57:14.270
and dealing with some people wanting to be strong

01:57:14.270 --> 01:57:17.770
for me, that was, it's still hard. I mean, I

01:57:17.770 --> 01:57:20.850
find myself a little, I get lost in my thoughts

01:57:20.850 --> 01:57:23.529
because I kind of, not kind of, I think I feel

01:57:23.529 --> 01:57:25.989
a lot of pain of everybody that's involved and

01:57:25.989 --> 01:57:28.770
people that we're close with because it's just,

01:57:28.810 --> 01:57:34.800
you know, it wasn't just Tori and I. And Joaquin,

01:57:34.819 --> 01:57:38.140
it's everybody else that we knew. I live in the

01:57:38.140 --> 01:57:41.600
city. I work for the city. I see a lot of people.

01:57:41.760 --> 01:57:45.460
And we know the parents of several of the victims.

01:57:45.560 --> 01:57:54.119
And it's kind of hard to deal with that kind

01:57:54.119 --> 01:57:56.340
of stuff going forward. But I think what's helped

01:57:56.340 --> 01:58:00.250
me a lot through that is Tori is... has been

01:58:00.250 --> 01:58:04.210
amazing as far as, and if you've seen any of

01:58:04.210 --> 01:58:06.909
the interviews and whatnot, especially after

01:58:06.909 --> 01:58:09.470
the documentary releases, the way they describe

01:58:09.470 --> 01:58:12.449
her inner strength, her pose, poise, however

01:58:12.449 --> 01:58:14.789
you say that word, and whatnot, has given other

01:58:14.789 --> 01:58:17.170
people strength to do certain things. And, you

01:58:17.170 --> 01:58:18.449
know, we've bounced a couple of things off of

01:58:18.449 --> 01:58:20.189
each other because of our, obviously, unique

01:58:20.189 --> 01:58:24.789
connection to this. And I think that's what's

01:58:24.789 --> 01:58:26.289
helped me a lot, and I still have my moments.

01:58:26.310 --> 01:58:29.119
So we live. two two blocks from the school so

01:58:29.119 --> 01:58:31.840
and i work obviously in the same city so those

01:58:31.840 --> 01:58:33.539
constant triggers those constant reminders are

01:58:33.539 --> 01:58:35.319
going to be there until the day we are able to

01:58:35.319 --> 01:58:38.680
leave this area when the time is right and put

01:58:38.680 --> 01:58:41.060
that page behind you but i i know i got off track

01:58:41.060 --> 01:58:44.020
a little bit but it was kind of just i think

01:58:44.020 --> 01:58:46.579
the love for the job and i still love what i

01:58:46.579 --> 01:58:50.000
do and being there for the community and you

01:58:50.000 --> 01:58:53.319
know it's just not too many people still like

01:58:53.319 --> 01:58:55.979
this job You know, they're not in it for the

01:58:55.979 --> 01:58:58.140
right reasons. I think when I finally got into

01:58:58.140 --> 01:59:01.159
it, you know, this is what I wanted to do. And

01:59:01.159 --> 01:59:03.119
I do it for the right reason. I think that just

01:59:03.119 --> 01:59:06.140
keeps me driving, keeps me strong. I still haven't

01:59:06.140 --> 01:59:08.140
had that moment to where, you know, I was kind

01:59:08.140 --> 01:59:11.279
of maybe the first year or so, maybe numb to

01:59:11.279 --> 01:59:13.819
it to where the second or third year, I was just

01:59:13.819 --> 01:59:16.220
kind of waiting for the bottom to fall out. But

01:59:16.220 --> 01:59:19.619
it hasn't come. And other than those moments,

01:59:19.640 --> 01:59:21.640
as I mentioned earlier, after the documentary

01:59:21.640 --> 01:59:23.659
and you asked me a specific question, I wouldn't.

01:59:24.029 --> 01:59:27.689
This conversation wouldn't happen right now if

01:59:27.689 --> 01:59:29.729
I had watched the documentary and we'd try to

01:59:29.729 --> 01:59:31.069
have a conversation. It just wouldn't because

01:59:31.069 --> 01:59:34.609
that pain that I feel, not hers, but everybody's.

01:59:35.890 --> 01:59:37.829
I don't want to put it all on her. My wife is

01:59:37.829 --> 01:59:40.390
definitely the rest of the family. I don't want

01:59:40.390 --> 01:59:42.550
them to be forgotten. Obviously, that's what

01:59:42.550 --> 01:59:45.770
family is all about. Maybe there's a hidden strength

01:59:45.770 --> 01:59:48.189
there that's guided us through, that's kept us

01:59:48.189 --> 01:59:52.609
strong as well. Beautiful. I think that's the

01:59:52.609 --> 01:59:55.390
perfect place to end. I just want to thank you

01:59:55.390 --> 01:59:58.069
both. It's been such a powerful conversation.

01:59:58.710 --> 02:00:01.789
It's such an important perspective. I mean, the

02:00:01.789 --> 02:00:05.210
dynamic of the both of you, the value that it

02:00:05.210 --> 02:00:08.789
has for everyone else, whether it's related to

02:00:08.789 --> 02:00:12.350
an event in a school, a first responder, a civilian

02:00:12.350 --> 02:00:16.770
that only got the Fox CNN version of Columbine,

02:00:16.770 --> 02:00:23.180
Parkland, Sandy Hook. important and completely

02:00:23.180 --> 02:00:27.819
you know uh imperative yeah you just can't you

02:00:27.819 --> 02:00:31.939
can't forget no you gotta and uh that's all i

02:00:31.939 --> 02:00:33.479
was going to mention earlier is just continue

02:00:33.479 --> 02:00:35.920
on years down the road don't forget these people

02:00:35.920 --> 02:00:38.880
you know especially the survivors well and let's

02:00:38.880 --> 02:00:41.239
fucking fix this thing too excuse my language

02:00:41.239 --> 02:00:45.020
but i mean i i get so angry you know was it people

02:00:45.020 --> 02:00:47.220
that einstein said insanity is doing the same

02:00:47.220 --> 02:00:50.159
thing expecting different results You know, you've

02:00:50.159 --> 02:00:52.279
done your little protests about pro and anti

02:00:52.279 --> 02:00:54.079
guns. It hasn't done a damn thing. Our children

02:00:54.079 --> 02:00:56.640
are still dying in the schools, you know, and

02:00:56.640 --> 02:00:58.739
amongst, you know, everything else. So it's time

02:00:58.739 --> 02:01:01.739
that we step up, get uncomfortable, have these

02:01:01.739 --> 02:01:05.039
kind of conversations and honor the ones that

02:01:05.039 --> 02:01:08.239
we lost by fixing this. Yeah, absolutely. I agree

02:01:08.239 --> 02:01:11.579
100%. So, well, thank you both. I mean, Tori,

02:01:11.579 --> 02:01:17.840
you know, I hate pulling people through what

02:01:17.840 --> 02:01:20.829
they went through. But the number of people,

02:01:20.930 --> 02:01:22.510
the thousands of people that are going to hear

02:01:22.510 --> 02:01:25.289
this, the ripple effect of your story today,

02:01:25.470 --> 02:01:28.789
I'm very selfish because I didn't have to relive

02:01:28.789 --> 02:01:32.310
anything really. You guys did. But I just appreciate

02:01:32.310 --> 02:01:35.649
your courage. I appreciate your trust. And just

02:01:35.649 --> 02:01:37.930
thank you for being so generous in telling your

02:01:37.930 --> 02:01:40.510
story today. No problem. Like I said, I believe

02:01:40.510 --> 02:01:44.350
it's healthy to have the conversation. Don't

02:01:44.350 --> 02:01:46.590
bottle up. And that's kind of my thing to everybody

02:01:46.590 --> 02:01:48.069
is don't be afraid to have that conversation.

02:01:48.829 --> 02:01:52.430
A little bit, you know, that's that compassion

02:01:52.430 --> 02:01:53.989
that we talked about right in the very beginning.

02:01:54.069 --> 02:01:57.569
It has to stay there. So I'll leave it at that.

02:01:58.590 --> 02:01:59.689
Thank you. Thank you.