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You'll simply choose 00:01:15.510 --> 00:01:17.989 a profession, provide one piece of documentation, 00:01:18.129 --> 00:01:21.329 and then you are verified for life. From that 00:01:21.329 --> 00:01:24.109 point onwards, you will continue to receive 35 00:01:24.109 --> 00:01:27.510 % off through Thorn. Now, for those of you who 00:01:27.510 --> 00:01:30.469 don't qualify, there is still the 10 % off using 00:01:30.469 --> 00:01:34.620 the code BTN. 10, Behind the Shield 10, for a 00:01:34.620 --> 00:01:37.659 one -time purchase. Now to learn more about Thorne, 00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:40.959 go to episode 323 of the Behind the Shield podcast 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:45.939 with Joel Totoro and Wes Barnett. Welcome to 00:01:45.939 --> 00:01:47.659 the Behind the Shield podcast. As always, my 00:01:47.659 --> 00:01:49.560 name is James Gearing, and this week it is my 00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:52.420 absolute honor to welcome on the show former 00:01:52.420 --> 00:01:55.760 law enforcement officer and member of the 343 00:01:55.760 --> 00:02:01.040 Fund team, Aaron Souza. Now, in my opinion, some 00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:03.340 of the most powerful voices when it comes to 00:02:03.340 --> 00:02:06.780 the use of psychedelics with mental health are 00:02:06.780 --> 00:02:09.939 our men and women in law enforcement. When the 00:02:09.939 --> 00:02:12.159 same professionals that were told to enforce 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:15.560 the war on drugs found healing in these prohibited 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:19.680 plant medicines themselves. So we discuss a host 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.400 of topics from his journey into law enforcement, 00:02:22.659 --> 00:02:26.620 working in SWAT, his own powerful mental health 00:02:26.620 --> 00:02:30.120 story. the incredible post -traumatic growth 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:34.460 he experienced, working with the 343 Fund, and 00:02:34.460 --> 00:02:37.699 so much more. Now, before we get to this incredible 00:02:37.699 --> 00:02:40.599 conversation, as I say every week, please just 00:02:40.599 --> 00:02:43.379 take a moment, go to whichever app you listen 00:02:43.379 --> 00:02:47.000 to this on, subscribe to the show, leave feedback, 00:02:47.139 --> 00:02:51.120 and leave a rating. Every single five -star rating 00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:54.620 truly does elevate this podcast, therefore making 00:02:54.620 --> 00:02:58.560 it easier for others to find. And this is a free 00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:03.599 library of well over 1 ,100 episodes now. So 00:03:03.599 --> 00:03:07.319 all I ask in return is that you help share these 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:10.379 incredible men and women's stories so I can get 00:03:10.379 --> 00:03:13.759 them to every single person on planet Earth who 00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:16.680 needs to hear them. So with that being said, 00:03:16.900 --> 00:03:41.250 I introduce to you... Aaron Souza. Enjoy. Well, 00:03:41.289 --> 00:03:43.610 Aaron, I want to start by saying two things. 00:03:43.810 --> 00:03:46.669 Firstly, thank you to Angela, our mutual friend, 00:03:46.750 --> 00:03:49.030 for making this connection. And secondly, I want 00:03:49.030 --> 00:03:50.789 to welcome you onto the Behind the Shield podcast 00:03:50.789 --> 00:03:54.669 today. Well, I thank you, James, for creating 00:03:54.669 --> 00:03:58.310 the time for having me on here. And as you know, 00:03:58.330 --> 00:04:01.830 Angela has definitely created a pathway for a 00:04:01.830 --> 00:04:04.129 lot of individuals right now to do a lot of great 00:04:04.129 --> 00:04:06.090 things. And that's what we're doing here at 343. 00:04:07.530 --> 00:04:12.639 Recently, I was... handed the keys to be the 00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:17.519 executive director of 343 Funds. So I am stepping 00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:20.699 into the fire here. And she pointed out that 00:04:20.699 --> 00:04:23.480 she had a great podcast with you and you do a 00:04:23.480 --> 00:04:25.019 lot of great things. I did a little bit of research 00:04:25.019 --> 00:04:27.699 on you and then I see we're kind of on the same 00:04:27.699 --> 00:04:29.420 page here. So I love what you're doing and appreciate 00:04:29.420 --> 00:04:32.319 you a lot. Absolutely. Well, likewise. So very 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:34.240 first question then, where on planet Earth are 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:37.629 we finding you today? So I'm in West Palm Beach, 00:04:37.670 --> 00:04:40.209 Florida right now. I'll give you the quick background 00:04:40.209 --> 00:04:43.689 of where life has tracked me through. I was born 00:04:43.689 --> 00:04:45.910 in New York, lived in Jersey, went to college, 00:04:45.949 --> 00:04:48.410 high school, all that fun stuff out there. And 00:04:48.410 --> 00:04:53.230 then was a police officer in California. Yes, 00:04:53.269 --> 00:04:55.709 I know it's a total different change of pace 00:04:55.709 --> 00:04:57.970 from the East Coast to the West Coast. And you 00:04:57.970 --> 00:04:59.730 get into that story how I got out there. But 00:04:59.730 --> 00:05:02.850 it's like when God has a path for you, he has 00:05:02.850 --> 00:05:05.819 a path for you. You can't fight it. And I was 00:05:05.819 --> 00:05:09.519 out there and then I retired in 2021 and moved 00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:11.720 to West Palm Beach, Florida. And I'm retired 00:05:11.720 --> 00:05:13.660 and living in sunny Florida. A little humid, 00:05:13.740 --> 00:05:16.439 but we're working with it. Yeah. I'm about four 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:19.819 hours north of you. And it is, as they say, hot 00:05:19.819 --> 00:05:22.699 as balls in the state at the moment. Yeah. Very 00:05:22.699 --> 00:05:26.139 much so. Very much so. You shower, you come outside, 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:28.839 you have to shower again. Exactly. Exactly. Well, 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:31.500 let's start back in New York then. So whereabouts 00:05:31.500 --> 00:05:33.920 in New York? Did you grow up and then talk to 00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:37.480 me about kind of the childhood experience? All 00:05:37.480 --> 00:05:40.199 right. So I was born in Valley Stream, New York, 00:05:40.220 --> 00:05:43.839 which is in Long Island. I actually moved to 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:45.980 St. Thomas for a short period of time, the Virgin 00:05:45.980 --> 00:05:48.459 Islands. My mom is from there. I lived out there 00:05:48.459 --> 00:05:50.899 with my grandmother. Great time. I have great 00:05:50.899 --> 00:05:54.000 childhood memories with that. And then came back, 00:05:54.199 --> 00:05:57.279 moved to Staten Island, New York, with my mom 00:05:57.279 --> 00:05:59.959 and my stepfather. So when I say my father, my 00:05:59.959 --> 00:06:01.560 stepfather is my father. He raised me from when 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:07.170 I was... Little. I have four brothers. So we 00:06:07.170 --> 00:06:09.769 lived in Staten Island for a little bit. Then 00:06:09.769 --> 00:06:11.949 moved from Staten Island when I was in middle 00:06:11.949 --> 00:06:14.970 school, so sixth grade, to Old Bridge, New Jersey. 00:06:15.189 --> 00:06:18.089 And that's where I went to middle school, high 00:06:18.089 --> 00:06:22.149 school, college. I was in Jersey also. Did sports. 00:06:22.610 --> 00:06:24.970 Did track and field, baseball, soccer, football, 00:06:25.170 --> 00:06:27.470 wrestling, all of the above when it came to that. 00:06:27.790 --> 00:06:30.089 And then I went to Monmouth University and played 00:06:30.089 --> 00:06:34.829 college football there. um for four years and 00:06:34.829 --> 00:06:38.290 from there i uh actually came down to florida 00:06:38.290 --> 00:06:39.790 i skipped that part i actually came down to florida 00:06:39.790 --> 00:06:42.269 after college and played some arena ball um a 00:06:42.269 --> 00:06:45.209 couple years of arena football out here moved 00:06:45.209 --> 00:06:47.410 back to jersey was working for a little bit i 00:06:47.410 --> 00:06:49.970 had my first child when i was uh 23 so i was 00:06:49.970 --> 00:06:53.029 young and you know make some decisions when we're 00:06:53.029 --> 00:06:58.389 young sometimes um and then i was chasing my 00:06:58.389 --> 00:07:00.689 dream to become a police officer. So it was one 00:07:00.689 --> 00:07:02.449 of two things I was going to do, go to the military 00:07:02.449 --> 00:07:07.649 or be a police officer. I always had this feeling 00:07:07.649 --> 00:07:11.509 and this knowing of my purpose in life was I 00:07:11.509 --> 00:07:14.329 was created to be a protector. And I'm not saying 00:07:14.329 --> 00:07:16.350 that in any way to sound more masculine. I just 00:07:16.350 --> 00:07:19.730 knew I had certain skill sets and certain things 00:07:19.730 --> 00:07:23.670 from a child that I felt it. thing that assisted 00:07:23.670 --> 00:07:26.350 me with those decisions where my uncle was NYPD, 00:07:26.410 --> 00:07:28.870 or actually retired NYPD, and he used to come 00:07:28.870 --> 00:07:31.110 over all the time in his uniform. You know, NYPD 00:07:31.110 --> 00:07:33.829 and LAPD, those are like the two highest of the 00:07:33.829 --> 00:07:35.949 high when it comes to police officers. You want 00:07:35.949 --> 00:07:37.889 to be part of those groups. And I used to remember 00:07:37.889 --> 00:07:39.550 just looking at him in his uniform and be like, 00:07:39.589 --> 00:07:41.290 all right, that's it. That's what I want to be. 00:07:41.350 --> 00:07:45.149 I know it. So I applied. I applied to NYPD, Port 00:07:45.149 --> 00:07:51.069 Authority, Jersey State Police. And like I said, 00:07:51.089 --> 00:07:53.449 God always has a plan. and a lot of times you 00:07:53.449 --> 00:07:55.269 don't know what it is but it's always working 00:07:55.269 --> 00:07:59.449 and there was a job freeze or hiring freeze at 00:07:59.449 --> 00:08:01.889 the time so i did all this out applying nothing 00:08:01.889 --> 00:08:05.389 so at the time i was working at a gym and one 00:08:05.389 --> 00:08:08.490 of my buddies told me take a look at um california 00:08:08.490 --> 00:08:10.470 the west coast and see how much they get paid 00:08:10.470 --> 00:08:13.930 all right took a look over in the bay area i 00:08:13.930 --> 00:08:16.129 was looking originally at san jose pd and immediately 00:08:16.129 --> 00:08:18.769 i saw six figures and i said yep that's it you 00:08:18.769 --> 00:08:21.720 gotta get over there now there's A part to it 00:08:21.720 --> 00:08:23.399 that I didn't add in, nor did I think about. 00:08:23.500 --> 00:08:25.579 We're going to get to that in a second. So I 00:08:25.579 --> 00:08:26.779 was like, all right, let me start the process. 00:08:26.939 --> 00:08:28.800 Went over there, started the process, and didn't 00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.199 realize the cost of living out there. Kind of 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:32.960 evens itself out a little bit, if not takes away 00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:35.620 from everything when you get out there. But I 00:08:35.620 --> 00:08:39.480 went out to San Jose. I applied with San Jose 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:42.700 PD. And while I was out there, I met a gentleman 00:08:42.700 --> 00:08:44.980 from Hayward Police Department from New York. 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.039 And you know us Jersey guys and New Yorkers always 00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:50.179 have to hit it off somehow. and he asked me to 00:08:50.179 --> 00:08:52.200 go do a ride -along. I was like, all right, you 00:08:52.200 --> 00:08:54.840 know, I'm doing San Jose thing, but I'll do the 00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:56.320 ride -along just to kind of take a look at what's 00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:59.399 going on out there. Did the ride -along from 00:08:59.399 --> 00:09:02.679 the first call we were running hot. We were going 00:09:02.679 --> 00:09:04.799 to code three calls, and I was like, this is 00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:07.019 my speed of life. This is definitely my speed 00:09:07.019 --> 00:09:09.419 of life. This is what it's all about here. So 00:09:09.419 --> 00:09:11.320 I ended up telling him, you know, I'm already 00:09:11.320 --> 00:09:13.759 committed to San Jose, but if anything goes south 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:15.379 or for whatever reason doesn't go through, which 00:09:15.379 --> 00:09:17.000 in my head I was like, there's nothing that can 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:19.389 go wrong at this point. I'll reach out to you. 00:09:19.429 --> 00:09:21.789 Like I said, God always has a plan. And he's 00:09:21.789 --> 00:09:23.049 always putting you in the right place at the 00:09:23.049 --> 00:09:25.330 right time. So some things happened with San 00:09:25.330 --> 00:09:30.070 Jose that was unforeseen in my eyes. And I made 00:09:30.070 --> 00:09:31.889 a phone call to a gentleman over at Hayward. 00:09:32.450 --> 00:09:35.350 And next thing I know, I'm in the academy with 00:09:35.350 --> 00:09:37.710 Hayward Police Department. So I ended up working 00:09:37.710 --> 00:09:42.370 in Hayward. Went to Alameda County Police Academy. 00:09:42.629 --> 00:09:44.450 Great group of people out there. They do some 00:09:44.450 --> 00:09:47.549 great training. I was in the academy. with some 00:09:47.549 --> 00:09:50.889 great people. And then when I graduated the Academy, 00:09:51.190 --> 00:09:53.610 I mean, I came out hot. I think I was involved 00:09:53.610 --> 00:09:55.169 in my first shooting. It was like three or four 00:09:55.169 --> 00:09:59.049 months out of the Academy. What they call, excuse 00:09:59.049 --> 00:10:01.090 my French when I say this, a quote unquote shit 00:10:01.090 --> 00:10:04.049 magnet. It was legitimately what I was. If it 00:10:04.049 --> 00:10:05.309 was going to happen, it was going to happen around 00:10:05.309 --> 00:10:07.429 me and I was probably involved at some point. 00:10:08.529 --> 00:10:10.830 And yeah, I was just, I was involved and exposed 00:10:10.830 --> 00:10:13.090 to a whole lot. Everything that you hear about 00:10:13.090 --> 00:10:19.549 in the police world. I was involved in. And this 00:10:19.549 --> 00:10:21.470 is where it starts leading into where we get 00:10:21.470 --> 00:10:24.549 into the, I began talking what I, why I associated 00:10:24.549 --> 00:10:27.009 with that is just because you say you want to 00:10:27.009 --> 00:10:28.409 get involved in a lot of this stuff, but you 00:10:28.409 --> 00:10:30.009 don't understand what comes along with this. 00:10:30.370 --> 00:10:33.769 You want to be the hero, you know, when we looked 00:10:33.769 --> 00:10:36.230 at as the guy that you could call on, if you 00:10:36.230 --> 00:10:37.889 need a life save that you want to do the good 00:10:37.889 --> 00:10:40.370 things for people in this world, but you don't 00:10:40.370 --> 00:10:43.610 understand the stresses that come along with 00:10:43.610 --> 00:10:46.080 it. the life lessons that come along with it. 00:10:46.139 --> 00:10:50.059 And I mean, just the chaos that you see on a 00:10:50.059 --> 00:10:53.740 daily basis in this first responder world. It 00:10:53.740 --> 00:10:57.460 is insane. I didn't come from a very naive mindset 00:10:57.460 --> 00:11:00.159 when I grew up, but when you get that bubble 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.539 gets popped and you see what's going on in this 00:11:02.539 --> 00:11:05.879 world, it's just like, Oh, like, what is this? 00:11:06.100 --> 00:11:08.460 And then how do you deal with it? We don't get 00:11:08.460 --> 00:11:10.419 taught how to deal with this stuff. We get taught 00:11:10.419 --> 00:11:13.629 to compartmentalize it, lock it away or. You 00:11:13.629 --> 00:11:16.070 go drink, find a new habit, go do some drugs, 00:11:16.149 --> 00:11:19.269 whatever it may be. Womanize it. I mean, pick 00:11:19.269 --> 00:11:21.590 your poison, what it's going to be. And that's 00:11:21.590 --> 00:11:24.190 kind of how, especially like old school guys 00:11:24.190 --> 00:11:26.929 that have done this job and even around my time 00:11:26.929 --> 00:11:29.350 and even to this time, we're tough guys. We're 00:11:29.350 --> 00:11:31.309 type A personalities. We're alphas. We don't 00:11:31.309 --> 00:11:33.710 talk about feelings. You don't cry. We don't 00:11:33.710 --> 00:11:36.409 do these type of things. And I bought into it, 00:11:36.450 --> 00:11:38.649 100 % bought into it. Coming from an athletic 00:11:38.649 --> 00:11:41.230 background, don't show emotion, don't show feeling. 00:11:41.289 --> 00:11:42.350 You don't have time for that. Turn the switch 00:11:42.350 --> 00:11:45.940 on, turn it off. That's it. And I didn't realize 00:11:45.940 --> 00:11:49.980 what it was doing to me at all. So I use this 00:11:49.980 --> 00:11:54.080 analogy. I forgot who I got it from. But a life 00:11:54.080 --> 00:11:56.019 like that, and it's not even just first responders, 00:11:56.039 --> 00:11:57.360 but we're talking the first responder world. 00:11:57.639 --> 00:11:59.639 It's like every time you deal with a trauma, 00:11:59.720 --> 00:12:01.600 and a trauma could be a fight, foot pursuit, 00:12:01.740 --> 00:12:04.120 whatever it may be. You see a death. You take 00:12:04.120 --> 00:12:06.100 a pebble and you put it in a backpack. You know, 00:12:06.139 --> 00:12:08.500 that's a trauma. We keep doing that. You know, 00:12:08.539 --> 00:12:10.220 a little pebble. Nothing. I'm strong enough. 00:12:10.279 --> 00:12:12.559 I can hold that pebble. You know? You get to 00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:14.279 10 pebbles. I'm still holding strong. You get 00:12:14.279 --> 00:12:16.139 to 100 pebbles. Okay, I'm feeling a little bit 00:12:16.139 --> 00:12:19.360 not too bad. But now this little stone that we 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:21.159 were throwing in that backpack, compartmentalizing, 00:12:21.279 --> 00:12:24.320 we're at 1 ,000 of these. It's getting heavy 00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:25.799 now. Now I'm starting to feel. This little stone 00:12:25.799 --> 00:12:27.379 is not a little stone anymore. It's this big 00:12:27.379 --> 00:12:30.700 weight on my back now. And that's what kind of 00:12:30.700 --> 00:12:33.320 was going on when it came to what I was doing. 00:12:33.980 --> 00:12:36.059 I was on a SWAT team. I did work with the gang 00:12:36.059 --> 00:12:38.799 unit. I was exposed to everything out there. 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:45.620 I got into my third shooting and simultaneously, 00:12:45.700 --> 00:12:49.179 wild week, third shooting, my partner committed 00:12:49.179 --> 00:12:51.759 suicide. And then another situation happened 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:53.100 that I'm not going to talk about on here, but 00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:57.799 all within that time period. And then something 00:12:57.799 --> 00:13:01.320 inside of me was like, that's it. Like, you got 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:04.500 to stop here. You know, my body was talking to 00:13:04.500 --> 00:13:06.899 me before that. And as normal, we ignore these 00:13:06.899 --> 00:13:08.720 things. You know, we have certain pains and certain 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:10.950 things. We're like, no. I'm good. We don't need 00:13:10.950 --> 00:13:13.309 to listen to it. I got it. Let's just think about 00:13:13.309 --> 00:13:15.870 something else. Let's rub some dirt on it and 00:13:15.870 --> 00:13:19.350 keep it moving. And something hit me hard that 00:13:19.350 --> 00:13:21.629 day. I was like, you're done. Like, you can't 00:13:21.629 --> 00:13:25.169 do this anymore. I was fighting it. My ego was 00:13:25.169 --> 00:13:26.769 fighting that. Whatever it was, I was trying 00:13:26.769 --> 00:13:31.409 to find ways around it. So I went, took the procedures 00:13:31.409 --> 00:13:35.350 to go talk to certain people with what I needed 00:13:35.350 --> 00:13:40.059 to do, and COVID hit. So now we're locked away. 00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:45.340 So I'm not working. I feel like I have no purpose 00:13:45.340 --> 00:13:46.799 in what I'm doing because I was literally sitting 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:49.080 in an apartment by myself and my two dogs. That's 00:13:49.080 --> 00:13:52.100 what I was doing that whole time. And then it 00:13:52.100 --> 00:13:54.340 got to the point where there was such chaos going 00:13:54.340 --> 00:13:57.539 on out there that I felt like I needed to be 00:13:57.539 --> 00:13:59.440 involved. I wasn't doing what I was made to do. 00:13:59.720 --> 00:14:01.679 So now I'm having this inner battle with myself, 00:14:01.840 --> 00:14:05.340 by myself, in this dark corner. And I still don't 00:14:05.340 --> 00:14:06.740 know I'm going through depression. I'm going 00:14:06.740 --> 00:14:08.559 through things that I... I have no clue what's 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:11.100 happening, but I'm going through it, and I'm 00:14:11.100 --> 00:14:13.759 doing it in a dark room by myself. I would literally 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:16.659 sit with my vest because I was still on. I had 00:14:16.659 --> 00:14:19.639 my tack vest, my radio, and I had my rifle, and 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:21.240 I would listen to the radio and chase the radio 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:23.879 and hope that something would happen where I 00:14:23.879 --> 00:14:25.860 was at just so I could get involved in things. 00:14:25.940 --> 00:14:30.179 That's what it got to. So I did a year of that. 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:33.960 I was out of work for a year doing nothing, just 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:36.840 sitting there just. sit in my own sorrows and 00:14:36.840 --> 00:14:39.460 talk in my own demons. And still not knowing 00:14:39.460 --> 00:14:44.000 what's happening. So we get fast forward. Retirement 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:47.700 happens to 2021. I moved to Florida. I get in 00:14:47.700 --> 00:14:50.279 a relationship. Ended up having two kids, getting 00:14:50.279 --> 00:14:53.899 engaged. Didn't realize I was not in a mindset 00:14:53.899 --> 00:14:56.480 for any of that. I thought that was the answer 00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:58.759 to everything. That would make things feel better. 00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:00.639 Mulled over. I wasn't a big drinker. I didn't 00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:04.519 do drugs or anything like that. So my thing was... 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:07.799 I guess I was searching for a feeling is what 00:15:07.799 --> 00:15:09.759 I needed. I didn't know what it was, but I knew 00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:11.379 I had to feel something. So I think that's what 00:15:11.379 --> 00:15:14.879 kind of drove me that way. And then things didn't 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:19.100 work out. Broke up the engagement, had my two 00:15:19.100 --> 00:15:22.159 kids, everything like that. So all that plus 00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:24.059 everything I was still going through that was 00:15:24.059 --> 00:15:25.940 still just building up. And I didn't realize 00:15:25.940 --> 00:15:27.779 how much this thing has overflowed at this point. 00:15:28.840 --> 00:15:32.559 So some things started happening. I started getting. 00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:36.019 Like weird, I never was sick in my life with 00:15:36.019 --> 00:15:37.940 anything. Always been healthy, 100%, nothing. 00:15:38.139 --> 00:15:40.399 I had weird things going on with my body out 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:44.559 of nowhere. Some blood sugar issues, some sleep, 00:15:44.580 --> 00:15:46.419 like I could sleep on a, you could put me under 00:15:46.419 --> 00:15:47.960 a table. I used to be able to sleep and I'd be 00:15:47.960 --> 00:15:49.500 knocked out for 10 hours on the table on a hard 00:15:49.500 --> 00:15:51.539 wooden floor. I couldn't sleep for anything. 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:54.460 I was not dreaming, but I just could not go to, 00:15:54.460 --> 00:15:57.840 my mind was just constantly going. And then fast 00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:02.539 forward. A couple of things. I got involved in 00:16:02.539 --> 00:16:04.779 the firearms industry, which plays into what's 00:16:04.779 --> 00:16:07.179 happening here. I met a couple of people. Again, 00:16:07.340 --> 00:16:09.320 God always has a plan. There was a couple of 00:16:09.320 --> 00:16:12.299 individuals I met that I had no business talking 00:16:12.299 --> 00:16:14.200 to, nor would I ever think that I'd meet these 00:16:14.200 --> 00:16:16.799 people, but they play into what happened here. 00:16:18.059 --> 00:16:21.639 One day, I'm sitting in the kitchen with my kids, 00:16:21.700 --> 00:16:25.080 two youngest kids, and I was washing dishes. 00:16:25.639 --> 00:16:27.720 I love my kids to death. I'm an affectionate 00:16:27.720 --> 00:16:29.139 type of individual with my kids. I'm hugging, 00:16:29.240 --> 00:16:32.539 kissing, all that. And my smallest one, he was 00:16:32.539 --> 00:16:34.039 like a year and a half. And he's doing what a 00:16:34.039 --> 00:16:35.559 kid does. He's like hanging on my leg, playing 00:16:35.559 --> 00:16:38.519 on my leg and things like that. And out of nowhere, 00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:42.559 I got this shock up my body. It went from right 00:16:42.559 --> 00:16:45.019 where he's touching my leg. And I just had this 00:16:45.019 --> 00:16:48.620 hypersensitive, overstimulated feeling. And I 00:16:48.620 --> 00:16:51.000 literally felt it crawl up my body and hit my 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:53.419 head. And it was like a bomb went off in my head. 00:16:54.200 --> 00:16:56.480 And I didn't say it. but I fought it. And that's 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:57.840 where I was like, there's something wrong here. 00:16:57.879 --> 00:17:01.440 I was like, get the hell off of me. I thought 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:03.399 in my head, I was like, why did I just do that? 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:06.900 And I couldn't figure it out for the life of 00:17:06.900 --> 00:17:09.039 me. But again, you know, type A personality alpha, 00:17:09.180 --> 00:17:11.640 it happened. Let's brush it off. You know, maybe 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:13.980 we're just having a lack of sleep. I'm giving 00:17:13.980 --> 00:17:16.339 myself every excuse under the sun of what's going 00:17:16.339 --> 00:17:19.099 on here. So, but that was like the big check 00:17:19.099 --> 00:17:20.640 marker in my head at that point. I was like, 00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:22.819 something's up. Can't figure it out, but something's 00:17:22.819 --> 00:17:27.539 going on here. So the final stint was I'm driving 00:17:27.539 --> 00:17:29.880 with my kids. Had all my kids in the car. Had 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:31.839 my oldest daughter sitting in the front seat. 00:17:31.900 --> 00:17:36.299 Two boys are in the back seat. I'm driving out 00:17:36.299 --> 00:17:38.700 here in Florida, and there was a spider in the 00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:41.559 car by my daughter. So she's doing the little 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:43.319 girl thing, like going crazy. There's a spider 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:45.420 in here. And I'm like, calm down. Give her water 00:17:45.420 --> 00:17:47.420 bottles. Like, when I stop this light, open up 00:17:47.420 --> 00:17:49.420 the door and just hit the spider out of the car, 00:17:49.539 --> 00:17:51.400 and we'll be done with this. So she does that. 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:53.740 And when she hits the spider, the bottle kind 00:17:53.740 --> 00:17:56.039 of falls out of her hand. And she goes to get 00:17:56.039 --> 00:17:57.200 out in the middle of the street. I was like, 00:17:57.240 --> 00:17:58.680 no, no, no. I was like, leave that where it is. 00:17:58.720 --> 00:17:59.720 You're not getting out in the middle of the street. 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:01.259 Like, just be smart about this. Close the door, 00:18:01.380 --> 00:18:06.400 whatever. So I close the door. And I'm fairly 00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:09.839 situationally aware still. I'm still extremely 00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:12.240 hypersensitive to everything going on around 00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:15.039 me. So out of nowhere, I could see my peripheral. 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:17.500 Somebody's coming up to my car. And I see him 00:18:17.500 --> 00:18:19.420 come up fast in the middle of the street. So 00:18:19.420 --> 00:18:20.680 I was like, that's not good, whatever it is. 00:18:21.220 --> 00:18:23.460 So I kind of turn around, and there's a guy just 00:18:23.460 --> 00:18:25.920 charging towards the car. He bends down. He picks 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:28.180 up the bottle and just slams it against my daughter's 00:18:28.180 --> 00:18:31.339 window. And, James, I know a lot of people are 00:18:31.339 --> 00:18:33.680 protective over their kids, and everybody would 00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:35.460 probably get angry at this point in time. But 00:18:35.460 --> 00:18:39.319 I went from A, which is, okay, something happened, 00:18:39.539 --> 00:18:42.180 B, C, D, figure out what it was, what are we 00:18:42.180 --> 00:18:44.220 going to deal with. I went from A to Z. I skipped 00:18:44.220 --> 00:18:47.720 B, C, D, all of the above. And Z was, this guy 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:49.640 has to stop doing it. He'll never do that again. 00:18:50.059 --> 00:18:52.980 I'll just put it in the nicest terms ever. And 00:18:52.980 --> 00:18:55.200 I went and I did something after that. Didn't 00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:57.619 harm the guy, but put my kids in a situation 00:18:57.619 --> 00:19:01.160 that I would never, ever in my life do. I have 00:19:01.160 --> 00:19:02.839 talked to people about doing this stuff and I 00:19:02.839 --> 00:19:05.380 did it. And when I tell you, and even to this 00:19:05.380 --> 00:19:06.759 day, it gets me emotional because I did this. 00:19:07.619 --> 00:19:10.900 When I did it, I kind of blacked out and forgot 00:19:10.900 --> 00:19:13.920 my kids were there. And I'm dealing with this 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:17.299 guy. And then I remember coming through this 00:19:17.299 --> 00:19:19.740 whole thing. And seeing my kids looking at me 00:19:19.740 --> 00:19:23.160 and the look they had on their face for whatever 00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:25.019 I was saying to this guy or how I was reacting, 00:19:25.240 --> 00:19:29.880 that was enough for me. They had a look of disbelief 00:19:29.880 --> 00:19:32.299 on their face that I was like, I never wanted 00:19:32.299 --> 00:19:35.000 my kids to have to see that or hear that or know 00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:36.920 that there's a side to me like that. And I did 00:19:36.920 --> 00:19:39.700 that. And I didn't have control at that point 00:19:39.700 --> 00:19:41.680 in time. That's when I realized something is 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:44.140 bad going on up there. Whatever it is, I have 00:19:44.140 --> 00:19:48.509 no control over right now. So. To rewind a little 00:19:48.509 --> 00:19:51.970 bit, I was fortunate to meet some individuals, 00:19:52.269 --> 00:19:57.250 some tier one guys. And we just started talking 00:19:57.250 --> 00:20:01.690 one day like we were buddies. And they told me 00:20:01.690 --> 00:20:05.970 about Ibogaine and what they did down in Tijuana. 00:20:06.430 --> 00:20:08.509 And I've never done a drug in my life. So the 00:20:08.509 --> 00:20:10.210 first conversation we had, I was like, you guys 00:20:10.210 --> 00:20:13.609 are crazy. If you think I'm going to go do psychedelics, 00:20:13.609 --> 00:20:15.750 you're nuts. If you think that's going to happen, 00:20:15.829 --> 00:20:17.549 appreciate everything you guys are telling me. 00:20:17.589 --> 00:20:19.829 But yeah, this conversation, there's no need 00:20:19.829 --> 00:20:22.369 to have it, man. I'm good. So that happened like 00:20:22.369 --> 00:20:25.069 earlier in the year. Then we met up again and 00:20:25.069 --> 00:20:26.670 he kept the door open for me. And he was like, 00:20:26.710 --> 00:20:29.009 yeah, anytime you want to talk about it, just 00:20:29.009 --> 00:20:31.190 reach out to me. Kept the door open for me. And 00:20:31.190 --> 00:20:32.769 then we talked about it again. And we got a little 00:20:32.769 --> 00:20:35.450 bit deeper into conversation. It was two individuals 00:20:35.450 --> 00:20:38.140 that we talked about. got deeper into conversation. 00:20:38.299 --> 00:20:39.980 And this was after the first incident, I kind 00:20:39.980 --> 00:20:43.380 of told them what was going on. We had a deeper 00:20:43.380 --> 00:20:45.500 conversation, open the door again. And I think 00:20:45.500 --> 00:20:49.740 it was more my ego and fear of the unknown, honestly, 00:20:49.859 --> 00:20:52.660 of like, I'm thinking of all the things you hear 00:20:52.660 --> 00:20:55.380 of bad trips and I'm going to like die going 00:20:55.380 --> 00:20:57.640 through this whole process. Like they're not 00:20:57.640 --> 00:20:58.880 gonna be able to control me. I'm just going to 00:20:58.880 --> 00:21:02.460 go completely off the edge on this. And I was 00:21:02.460 --> 00:21:04.700 like, you know what? Cool. I'll take the number. 00:21:04.740 --> 00:21:08.339 I'll look, do a little research on it. The day 00:21:08.339 --> 00:21:11.160 that this happened, that last incident, I literally, 00:21:11.259 --> 00:21:13.799 as soon as I got home, sent a text message and 00:21:13.799 --> 00:21:16.680 made a phone call. And this is where I say God 00:21:16.680 --> 00:21:18.400 always has a plan and he has it lined up for 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:20.019 you. And he's got it. This thing is written out 00:21:20.019 --> 00:21:22.279 way before you could even think about it happening. 00:21:23.519 --> 00:21:27.039 So I made the phone call. And then I started 00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:28.640 making excuses for myself. I was like, you know 00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:29.920 what? I made that phone call. I shouldn't have 00:21:29.920 --> 00:21:31.839 done that. Now I've got to commit to this. I've 00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:33.660 got to find a way out of this. So I was like, 00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:35.119 you know what? It's an expensive treatment. I 00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:38.069 can't afford this. A certain individual had a 00:21:38.069 --> 00:21:42.710 foundation. He's like, we got you. They cut a 00:21:42.710 --> 00:21:44.910 check for me right there. I was like, damn it. 00:21:45.470 --> 00:21:48.930 I'm in a corner now. Was that through Vets that 00:21:48.930 --> 00:21:53.250 you went through? That was through the Danny 00:21:53.250 --> 00:21:55.950 Dietz Foundation. Okay. So the individual was 00:21:55.950 --> 00:21:59.170 DJ Shipley, Cole Falkler of GBRS Group, and Patsy. 00:21:59.450 --> 00:22:01.650 Those are the individuals that helped me out. 00:22:01.670 --> 00:22:04.529 Gotcha. And again, in my life, I never thought 00:22:04.529 --> 00:22:06.589 I'd be sitting down having a conversation with, 00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:09.759 these people at all and even to this day i speak 00:22:09.759 --> 00:22:14.160 with them you know um so i was like damn as i've 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:15.539 committed to this and there's no way out of this 00:22:15.539 --> 00:22:18.099 but i got to find a way out so i'm a problem 00:22:18.099 --> 00:22:20.960 solver i can figure this out i was like you know 00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:22.480 what it's probably a year out before i can even 00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:25.980 get into this this happened the first week of 00:22:25.980 --> 00:22:30.660 september i believe it was so dj's like call 00:22:30.660 --> 00:22:36.039 um trevor den and ambio and get scheduled So 00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:37.160 I'm hearing it's going to be a year, year and 00:22:37.160 --> 00:22:41.359 a half probably. I called Trevor. And I'd PSU 00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:43.960 not. He's like, we have an opening in three weeks. 00:22:44.420 --> 00:22:47.099 I was like, damn it. I was like, what is going 00:22:47.099 --> 00:22:49.220 on right now? God has a plan. So I was like, 00:22:49.299 --> 00:22:52.180 you know what? Literally, it's like there is 00:22:52.180 --> 00:22:53.680 no coincidences in this world. There's none. 00:22:54.660 --> 00:22:56.140 So I was like, all right, I got my kids. There's 00:22:56.140 --> 00:22:58.180 no way I could give a week up to go do this. 00:22:58.500 --> 00:23:02.809 I was like, I've got my kids. Their mom had a 00:23:02.809 --> 00:23:04.569 vacation plan with them. You know what week that 00:23:04.569 --> 00:23:08.650 was? The same week. Months. Same week. I was 00:23:08.650 --> 00:23:12.809 like, fuck. I'm not helping out here. Then I 00:23:12.809 --> 00:23:13.950 was like, you know what? I got to fly out to 00:23:13.950 --> 00:23:16.369 San Diego. I was like, yeah, I can't make it 00:23:16.369 --> 00:23:18.109 out there. I got to find a way to cancel it still. 00:23:18.930 --> 00:23:21.329 I had enough freaking flyer miles to go there 00:23:21.329 --> 00:23:22.990 and back several times. I was like, yeah, there's 00:23:22.990 --> 00:23:25.170 nothing I can do about this at this point. So 00:23:25.170 --> 00:23:27.390 I even waited until like the last two days to 00:23:27.390 --> 00:23:29.490 book my flight. Still trying to find a way to 00:23:29.490 --> 00:23:32.230 back out of this. And there was nothing. Nothing, 00:23:32.250 --> 00:23:34.650 I could find a way out of it. So that was the 00:23:34.650 --> 00:23:36.849 first part of the coincidence when we got out 00:23:36.849 --> 00:23:40.549 there. So we played out, went out to San Diego. 00:23:40.730 --> 00:23:43.089 And I'm like, all right, this is just a shady 00:23:43.089 --> 00:23:46.109 scenario. Driving across the border to Tijuana. 00:23:46.549 --> 00:23:48.230 I don't have my gun on me. I've got nothing. 00:23:48.369 --> 00:23:50.549 I'm like, this is, they make movies about this 00:23:50.549 --> 00:23:54.109 stuff. And that wasn't the case. I got there 00:23:54.109 --> 00:23:57.329 and there was this feeling of calmness. Like 00:23:57.329 --> 00:24:00.579 just utter safety and calmness. I felt like nothing 00:24:00.579 --> 00:24:02.680 is going to happen to you. Like, you're good. 00:24:02.759 --> 00:24:04.559 You're meant to be here, and you need to do this. 00:24:04.660 --> 00:24:07.980 You're going to be good. So I went down, got 00:24:07.980 --> 00:24:10.920 in a van with several strangers. I was just like, 00:24:11.059 --> 00:24:13.720 this is getting better. Liam Neeson warned you 00:24:13.720 --> 00:24:17.279 against this. Oh, yeah. I told you, they make 00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:19.599 movies about this type of stuff. So I'm sitting 00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:21.619 in a van, and then obviously we're all a bunch 00:24:21.619 --> 00:24:24.420 of type A personality guys, like soft guys and 00:24:24.420 --> 00:24:27.319 a bunch of different guys in that car. And then 00:24:27.319 --> 00:24:29.019 I know we're all sizing each other up. We're 00:24:29.019 --> 00:24:30.420 figuring out, all right, if something goes wrong, 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.079 who do we have to take out first? Like who's 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:35.880 going to survive what? And it was, it was a weird, 00:24:35.940 --> 00:24:37.859 it was just a weird comfort around each other. 00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:40.640 I don't know. Do you want to go into the whole 00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:43.559 process now? We'll go back and I've got those 00:24:43.559 --> 00:24:45.240 things to ask, but let's, let's keep it flowing 00:24:45.240 --> 00:24:49.380 and then we can go back after. Okay. So we get 00:24:49.380 --> 00:24:52.079 into Mexico, pulled to this house and I'm just 00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:56.470 like, Jesus. There's no way I could be involved 00:24:56.470 --> 00:24:58.089 in coming out here. All the things I've talked 00:24:58.089 --> 00:25:01.670 about in life. But again, it was just weird sense 00:25:01.670 --> 00:25:04.930 of calmness when I got out there. Get into the 00:25:04.930 --> 00:25:08.450 house. And when I tell you, they take care of 00:25:08.450 --> 00:25:11.509 you in every manner. So you do not have to worry 00:25:11.509 --> 00:25:14.250 about a thing except for your treatment and getting 00:25:14.250 --> 00:25:16.730 better. I'm talking about, I put my bag down 00:25:16.730 --> 00:25:18.690 and I turned around and my bag was gone. Because 00:25:18.690 --> 00:25:19.930 obviously they have some things they have to 00:25:19.930 --> 00:25:22.950 do with making sure you don't bring any drugs, 00:25:23.190 --> 00:25:25.210 anything, alcohol, anything like that. um in 00:25:25.210 --> 00:25:26.910 there but then folding up your clothes putting 00:25:26.910 --> 00:25:28.529 them away like it got to a point where i started 00:25:28.529 --> 00:25:29.730 to get a little nervous i'm like why are you 00:25:29.730 --> 00:25:32.130 guys in my bag where are my clothes you know 00:25:32.130 --> 00:25:35.589 doing your laundry best food you will ever get 00:25:35.589 --> 00:25:39.069 down there best food i'm sure everybody tells 00:25:39.069 --> 00:25:41.549 you the same thing the chefs the staff you're 00:25:41.549 --> 00:25:44.109 monitored by doctors 24 7 you've got some of 00:25:44.109 --> 00:25:47.029 the best healthcare professionals there taking 00:25:47.029 --> 00:25:49.069 care of you like there is literally no worry 00:25:49.069 --> 00:25:51.289 you have but to focus on yourself down there 00:25:51.289 --> 00:25:55.450 um a therapist everybody i mean i applaud everybody 00:25:55.450 --> 00:25:59.210 of that aspect of things so we do that we kind 00:25:59.210 --> 00:26:00.690 of do a powwow and i'll kind of fast forward 00:26:00.690 --> 00:26:02.230 through some of this because i mean i could talk 00:26:02.230 --> 00:26:05.569 about this for hours um do your initial powwow 00:26:05.569 --> 00:26:09.230 first day is your um sauna takama which was an 00:26:09.230 --> 00:26:11.630 amazing thing because i've done saunas but that 00:26:11.630 --> 00:26:13.549 is a whole different level of what you're doing 00:26:13.549 --> 00:26:16.950 and at first especially due to the fact i had 00:26:16.950 --> 00:26:20.049 no expectations going down there i didn't know 00:26:20.049 --> 00:26:21.750 what to expect which was a good thing for me 00:26:21.750 --> 00:26:23.730 honestly because I was just like, just go with 00:26:23.730 --> 00:26:25.869 the flow. And that is one thing I will applaud 00:26:25.869 --> 00:26:27.869 DJ and Cole for. They literally told him, like, 00:26:27.890 --> 00:26:29.750 we're not telling you about what's going to happen 00:26:29.750 --> 00:26:30.890 down there because you need to experience it 00:26:30.890 --> 00:26:33.349 on your own. But there was one thing DJ said. 00:26:33.430 --> 00:26:37.369 He's like, when you do the 5ML, your ego is going 00:26:37.369 --> 00:26:40.369 to fight. You got to kill it. That's all he said. 00:26:40.450 --> 00:26:41.549 And I was like, all right, whatever that means. 00:26:42.029 --> 00:26:46.029 But yeah, we'll deal with that. So get through 00:26:46.029 --> 00:26:49.170 the comma aspect of things. Sauna is intense. 00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:52.460 But you feel great after you do it. I will tell 00:26:52.460 --> 00:26:54.059 anybody that goes to do it, try to push through 00:26:54.059 --> 00:26:56.039 it. It sucks a little bit, but there's a reason 00:26:56.039 --> 00:26:58.519 that they do it that way. And then applaud the 00:26:58.519 --> 00:27:01.759 lady that was in there with us because she's 00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:03.480 an absolute beast. We're in there in literally 00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:06.279 our drawers and nothing, just dying on the floor. 00:27:06.599 --> 00:27:08.420 She's in like a full dress from head to toe, 00:27:08.500 --> 00:27:12.660 just hanging out. So that was an amazing thing 00:27:12.660 --> 00:27:15.880 there. You're always got your fluids, IVs. We 00:27:15.880 --> 00:27:18.240 did all that. Dinner was great. And then day 00:27:18.240 --> 00:27:22.400 two is when you do the Ibogaine. You want to 00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:23.700 talk about Ibogaine a little bit or you just 00:27:23.700 --> 00:27:24.819 want to go through the flow of things? Yeah, 00:27:24.819 --> 00:27:27.339 for people listening, just kind of underline 00:27:27.339 --> 00:27:32.019 what it is. So Ibogaine, it actually comes from 00:27:32.019 --> 00:27:35.099 the root of a plant out in Gabon, Africa, and 00:27:35.099 --> 00:27:39.839 it's a psychedelic. And the story that I got 00:27:39.839 --> 00:27:41.299 behind it was that one day there was a hunter 00:27:41.299 --> 00:27:43.880 that was hunting. I don't know what it was exactly. 00:27:43.980 --> 00:27:46.079 And I guess his arrow penetrated the animal and 00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:49.319 a root. And then when... He pulled the arrow 00:27:49.319 --> 00:27:51.559 back out. It got into the animal and then he 00:27:51.559 --> 00:27:53.359 was eating the meat. And then I guess went on 00:27:53.359 --> 00:27:55.900 a crazy psychedelic journey. And that's how they 00:27:55.900 --> 00:28:00.200 found out what this route does. And it does a 00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:02.240 whole lot more like guys and girls that are listening. 00:28:02.339 --> 00:28:04.319 Like I can explain to you what it does and you 00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:05.720 won't understand until you actually sit down 00:28:05.720 --> 00:28:10.859 and see what it does for you. But it assists 00:28:10.859 --> 00:28:13.859 with individuals that are addicted to SSRIs, 00:28:13.859 --> 00:28:16.680 alcoholism, PTSD. There's been Stanford studies 00:28:16.680 --> 00:28:19.539 with TBI that. Apparently TBI is not curable, 00:28:19.619 --> 00:28:23.119 but there has been cases that people are fully 00:28:23.119 --> 00:28:26.059 cured from this. I've seen guys, myself personally, 00:28:26.940 --> 00:28:29.140 alcoholism messes our eyes in 24 hours, done. 00:28:29.440 --> 00:28:31.660 Cold turkey, finished. Don't even want to taste 00:28:31.660 --> 00:28:34.859 anything. And anybody that's seen anybody addicted 00:28:34.859 --> 00:28:38.339 knows that that is not the case 99 % of the time 00:28:38.339 --> 00:28:42.400 without any assistance. And also just to say 00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:46.880 this, it is not a one thing that cures all. And 00:28:46.880 --> 00:28:48.339 it's not like a one -all, fix -all, and you're 00:28:48.339 --> 00:28:50.400 done after one. There is work that is involved 00:28:50.400 --> 00:28:53.500 with this integration beginning, during, and 00:28:53.500 --> 00:28:55.380 after, which we'll talk about that later. And 00:28:55.380 --> 00:28:59.700 that's kind of what 343 assists with. But moving 00:28:59.700 --> 00:29:02.359 forward in my journey. So Ibogaine Day comes. 00:29:03.700 --> 00:29:05.740 We're working on some breathwork, which was huge 00:29:05.740 --> 00:29:07.519 for me because I didn't really understand breathwork 00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:08.880 either, which is also part of the integration 00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:13.900 that we do here at 343. And then Ibogaine Night. 00:29:14.420 --> 00:29:17.880 So we did something. With our intentions, kind 00:29:17.880 --> 00:29:19.799 of write down everything you want out of this. 00:29:20.380 --> 00:29:24.420 My big thing was patience. I wanted to see my 00:29:24.420 --> 00:29:26.819 father. I knew that was a big part of why, because 00:29:26.819 --> 00:29:28.160 my father passed away. I'm sorry I didn't put 00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:30.059 that part out there. And I knew that was a big 00:29:30.059 --> 00:29:31.680 part of my anger. I didn't get to say goodbye 00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:36.019 to him before he passed. And that hurt. So dealing 00:29:36.019 --> 00:29:37.960 with that, and then I just turned that into a 00:29:37.960 --> 00:29:41.839 whole lot of anger and emotion that I had. So 00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:43.980 wrote all that down. Want to see my kids, father. 00:29:44.670 --> 00:29:46.710 Needed to know why I was there, what's my purpose 00:29:46.710 --> 00:29:50.069 here. Since now I'm not a police officer, I didn't 00:29:50.069 --> 00:29:51.490 know what my purpose was. I was having a hard 00:29:51.490 --> 00:29:55.250 time figuring that out. And then patience was 00:29:55.250 --> 00:29:59.349 a big thing. Like, I need help with that. So 00:29:59.349 --> 00:30:02.950 the way it's administered is, I believe it's 00:30:02.950 --> 00:30:06.890 three pills. So first pill you take, wait an 00:30:06.890 --> 00:30:09.089 hour, they administer another one, and then the 00:30:09.089 --> 00:30:11.490 last one is your flood dose that kind of gets 00:30:11.490 --> 00:30:14.500 the party started, if you will. um take it with 00:30:14.500 --> 00:30:16.619 a spoonful of honey because this stuff does not 00:30:16.619 --> 00:30:21.680 taste great um so and then they tell you um when 00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:24.380 you lay down you'll know it's working when you're 00:30:24.380 --> 00:30:26.940 gonna hear like a staticky sound in your ear 00:30:26.940 --> 00:30:29.599 and at this point i'm still in my brain i'm like 00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:31.880 yeah whatever this stuff is not like it's not 00:30:31.880 --> 00:30:33.640 gonna work there's no way this stuff is gonna 00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:36.500 work um i was like whatever let's go with it 00:30:36.500 --> 00:30:38.779 so i've heard a couple people told me there's 00:30:38.779 --> 00:30:39.980 a mirror in front of you sit there and you're 00:30:39.980 --> 00:30:41.839 laying in a bed and they say like a lot of times 00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:43.809 if you look in the mirror Sit down and kind of 00:30:43.809 --> 00:30:45.230 listen to the music because they've got Buiti 00:30:45.230 --> 00:30:48.029 tribe music playing that you'll see things happening. 00:30:48.490 --> 00:30:51.430 So took my last pill, sitting there, nothing. 00:30:52.049 --> 00:30:55.430 Looking in the mirror, nothing. All right, whatever. 00:30:55.809 --> 00:30:58.089 So they give you a blindfold, and I can tell 00:30:58.089 --> 00:31:00.269 you for a fact this thing is a full blindfold. 00:31:00.369 --> 00:31:01.849 You can't see through it. You can't see light 00:31:01.849 --> 00:31:04.049 through it. You can't see around it. And that's 00:31:04.049 --> 00:31:06.950 for the story I'm about to tell you. So I was 00:31:06.950 --> 00:31:08.210 like, let me put this blindfold on. I'm going 00:31:08.210 --> 00:31:11.670 to lay down. Whatever. Lay down, nothing. Kind 00:31:11.670 --> 00:31:15.019 of pass out. Go to sleep. And I'm like, how am 00:31:15.019 --> 00:31:16.619 I going to sleep now? I'm hearing other guys 00:31:16.619 --> 00:31:20.140 snoring. And I'm like, wow. All right, wake up. 00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:22.299 Nothing still. Guy next to me is throwing up. 00:31:22.740 --> 00:31:24.920 So there's a guy purging. And that's another 00:31:24.920 --> 00:31:27.259 thing, too. You will purge. 80 % of people will 00:31:27.259 --> 00:31:30.359 purge. 80 % of people will see visions. But 20 00:31:30.359 --> 00:31:32.720 % of people won't purge. 20 % of people won't 00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:35.140 see visions. I hate throwing up. I was praying 00:31:35.140 --> 00:31:36.559 that I was 20 % of those people that didn't throw 00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:39.259 up. I actually was fortunate I didn't puke. Got 00:31:39.259 --> 00:31:41.500 close, but didn't throw up. So I'm hearing this 00:31:41.500 --> 00:31:43.420 guy next to me throw up. And at this point, I'm 00:31:43.420 --> 00:31:45.099 like, oh, my God, I'm going to puke if I keep 00:31:45.099 --> 00:31:47.500 listening to this. So I'm trying to fight it 00:31:47.500 --> 00:31:50.420 off. And at the same time, I'm looking down at 00:31:50.420 --> 00:31:53.259 my chest, and I see this meter on my chest, legit 00:31:53.259 --> 00:31:54.920 like almost like you see with the sound meter 00:31:54.920 --> 00:31:58.420 on the screen. And I'm looking at it, and every 00:31:58.420 --> 00:32:01.099 time I'd get sick and feel like throw up coming 00:32:01.099 --> 00:32:03.539 up, I'd watch it go from green. And when it hit 00:32:03.539 --> 00:32:05.480 like mid -chest, that's like the red area, I'd 00:32:05.480 --> 00:32:07.059 see it hit mid -chest area, and I'd start breathing. 00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:09.420 When I'd breathe, I'd be able to control myself, 00:32:09.619 --> 00:32:11.680 calm down, and work it through. I was like, all 00:32:11.680 --> 00:32:14.750 right. That's working. Mind you, I didn't really 00:32:14.750 --> 00:32:15.970 think it through. I'm like, I'm looking at a 00:32:15.970 --> 00:32:18.369 meter and I'm watching throw up, go up and down. 00:32:18.390 --> 00:32:20.890 So I didn't think about that at the time, but 00:32:20.890 --> 00:32:22.309 I was like, all right, whatever. It's working 00:32:22.309 --> 00:32:25.670 out. So I kind of pass out again. And then I 00:32:25.670 --> 00:32:28.569 go through the stage and they say the medicine 00:32:28.569 --> 00:32:32.750 works off of vibration and the music. And there 00:32:32.750 --> 00:32:39.630 was this song playing and the beat was. And I 00:32:39.630 --> 00:32:42.319 heard right before this happened. this crazy 00:32:42.319 --> 00:32:45.079 static in my ear. And I was like, okay, I see 00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:46.380 what they're talking about now. Then it went 00:32:46.380 --> 00:32:49.420 from like a crazy static to just like a socket 00:32:49.420 --> 00:32:51.859 was just blown up in my ear. And I could hear 00:32:51.859 --> 00:32:53.960 like this electricity going off in my brain. 00:32:54.839 --> 00:32:56.799 And I was like, okay, we're about to get into 00:32:56.799 --> 00:32:58.359 this. Whatever's happening is about to happen 00:32:58.359 --> 00:33:02.180 now. And then I just started vibrating to the 00:33:02.180 --> 00:33:04.359 music. Like my body was legitimately vibrating 00:33:04.359 --> 00:33:07.740 to the music. And through all of this, as crazy 00:33:07.740 --> 00:33:09.539 as it may sound, I was never really nervous. 00:33:10.509 --> 00:33:13.789 Like there was never a sense of like, I'm panicking 00:33:13.789 --> 00:33:16.549 right now. I was almost like, God has this and 00:33:16.549 --> 00:33:18.569 it's all going to work. Whatever has happened, 00:33:18.650 --> 00:33:20.789 it's God's. It's going to work out. So I'm going 00:33:20.789 --> 00:33:22.710 through this whole shaking period on the bed 00:33:22.710 --> 00:33:24.049 and I'm kind of like looking around like, is 00:33:24.049 --> 00:33:25.970 anybody seeing this right now? Like, is this 00:33:25.970 --> 00:33:29.089 bad? What's happening? Nobody's moving. I'm seeing 00:33:29.089 --> 00:33:31.329 everybody. Everybody's kind of in their own world 00:33:31.329 --> 00:33:34.509 doing their thing. Okay. So I kind of pass back 00:33:34.509 --> 00:33:39.130 out, wake up again, and I'm still. doing the 00:33:39.130 --> 00:33:42.609 vibrating thing off the bed. And then I kind 00:33:42.609 --> 00:33:45.269 of just stops. It was almost like I went into 00:33:45.269 --> 00:33:47.950 this new world. It was kind of like wake, somebody's 00:33:47.950 --> 00:33:50.430 like shaking you to wake up. And I woke up and 00:33:50.430 --> 00:33:52.569 then it was done. And I even feel like I was 00:33:52.569 --> 00:33:56.450 in a different place. So that point, I won't 00:33:56.450 --> 00:33:58.430 lie to you. I was like, you know what? This is 00:33:58.430 --> 00:34:00.029 getting a little wild right now. I'm ready to 00:34:00.029 --> 00:34:03.589 leave. So I went to sit up and leave. So as I 00:34:03.589 --> 00:34:06.450 went to sit up and leave, I felt this hand in 00:34:06.450 --> 00:34:09.420 my chest. Nobody's around me. I felt the hand 00:34:09.420 --> 00:34:10.860 on my chest. And I'm not a small individual. 00:34:11.500 --> 00:34:12.900 I'm not a weakening. If I want to get up, I'm 00:34:12.900 --> 00:34:16.239 getting up. And I couldn't move. Legit, I sat 00:34:16.239 --> 00:34:18.699 halfway up and I couldn't budge. And I was like, 00:34:18.780 --> 00:34:20.980 whoa, that's the strongest thing I've ever felt 00:34:20.980 --> 00:34:25.000 in my life. And I looked and it was this green 00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.320 outline of this human being. And on their face, 00:34:29.320 --> 00:34:34.019 it was like this eagle head that I saw. And I 00:34:34.019 --> 00:34:36.119 was like, what is that? It was like this. aura 00:34:36.119 --> 00:34:37.960 around him and that's what was putting his hand 00:34:37.960 --> 00:34:40.460 in my chest literally told me no you're not going 00:34:40.460 --> 00:34:43.860 anywhere you need to do this i laid back down 00:34:43.860 --> 00:34:46.119 i was like i'm clearly not moving so i'm gonna 00:34:46.119 --> 00:34:51.019 lay back down and then literally told me don't 00:34:51.019 --> 00:34:54.159 talk listen and i felt my mouth it felt like 00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:56.260 my tongue weighed a thousand pounds i literally 00:34:56.260 --> 00:35:00.059 felt my mouth just shut and locked and i was 00:35:00.059 --> 00:35:02.360 in it and then felt like my body just got strapped 00:35:02.360 --> 00:35:05.199 down to the bed i was like all right Let's do 00:35:05.199 --> 00:35:06.500 this. Whatever we're going to do, I'm not going 00:35:06.500 --> 00:35:10.420 anywhere. So let's just take this ride. And I'm 00:35:10.420 --> 00:35:11.559 going to fast forward through this. There's so 00:35:11.559 --> 00:35:15.320 much to cover on this, but kind of got into this 00:35:15.320 --> 00:35:19.099 whole journey beginning. I went through it. I 00:35:19.099 --> 00:35:22.860 was able to see my kids, which was the first 00:35:22.860 --> 00:35:26.360 big thing that I saw and was with my kids throughout 00:35:26.360 --> 00:35:31.440 this process. And I was extraordinarily happy 00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:34.920 because part of the. issue I had in my life was 00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:38.260 that I was able to get happy like I'm happy at 00:35:38.260 --> 00:35:39.780 moments I got on a SWAT team I'm happy I won 00:35:39.780 --> 00:35:42.099 championships in football I'm happy but never 00:35:42.099 --> 00:35:43.980 that overly ecstatic happy to hear like when 00:35:43.980 --> 00:35:45.860 your kids are born you hear people talk about 00:35:45.860 --> 00:35:48.179 just that overly ecstatic happiness I was extremely 00:35:48.179 --> 00:35:50.260 happy when my kids were born but I never had 00:35:50.260 --> 00:35:53.559 that feeling of like that over ecstatic feeling 00:35:53.559 --> 00:35:54.880 and I was looking for it and I was like it's 00:35:54.880 --> 00:35:57.000 not here like where is it why can't I get this 00:35:57.000 --> 00:36:00.739 and I remember going through the journey with 00:36:00.739 --> 00:36:04.440 them And I remember feeling it. And I started 00:36:04.440 --> 00:36:07.460 crying. And I felt myself crying. And I remember 00:36:07.460 --> 00:36:09.920 saying out loud, too, like, I'm so happy right 00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:11.320 now. I said another term, but I'm not going to 00:36:11.320 --> 00:36:14.039 say it. I was like, I'm so happy right now. So 00:36:14.039 --> 00:36:15.739 we're going through everything. And then it was 00:36:15.739 --> 00:36:17.420 a point where I kind of had to let my kids go 00:36:17.420 --> 00:36:22.360 somewhere. And I get to this scene. So the way 00:36:22.360 --> 00:36:23.960 everything was going, it was like movie scenes 00:36:23.960 --> 00:36:26.739 just going across the screen from me. And it 00:36:26.739 --> 00:36:28.219 was my life. I was literally going through my 00:36:28.219 --> 00:36:32.789 life from birth to present moment. And we got 00:36:32.789 --> 00:36:35.389 to a screen and I remember seeing it was a blue 00:36:35.389 --> 00:36:38.269 screen and it was a top left corner of the screen 00:36:38.269 --> 00:36:42.090 that I could not unfocus from. I was just stuck 00:36:42.090 --> 00:36:45.150 on this corner. And as the screen is like kind 00:36:45.150 --> 00:36:47.010 of going by disappearing into the next screen, 00:36:47.170 --> 00:36:50.030 out of my peripheral, I could see somebody. And 00:36:50.030 --> 00:36:51.429 you know, when you see somebody, you know, you 00:36:51.429 --> 00:36:52.550 don't have to even look. You're like, okay, I 00:36:52.550 --> 00:36:54.750 know that body. I know who that is. This is so 00:36:54.750 --> 00:36:57.250 -and -so. I'm looking at the corner. I see a 00:36:57.250 --> 00:36:59.769 peripheral of two people. And as I'm watching 00:36:59.769 --> 00:37:02.159 it disappear, I'm like. wait a minute. That's 00:37:02.159 --> 00:37:06.219 my dad. So I was like, damn. So I look over and 00:37:06.219 --> 00:37:08.880 it's him, but the screen is disappearing. So 00:37:08.880 --> 00:37:11.320 at this point I'm like, no way. There's no way 00:37:11.320 --> 00:37:13.119 I came here and he's standing there and he's 00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:15.699 going to disappear. So I grabbed the screen and 00:37:15.699 --> 00:37:18.340 I am just ripping this thing back with everything 00:37:18.340 --> 00:37:20.559 I have. I'm pulling the screen back. And it was 00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:22.539 like the medicine knew I needed this. It let 00:37:22.539 --> 00:37:25.099 me pull it back and stick it. And it kind of 00:37:25.099 --> 00:37:28.289 stopped for a second. So it was my dad and my 00:37:28.289 --> 00:37:29.710 grandfather. Because my grandfather's father 00:37:29.710 --> 00:37:32.789 had passed away. And they were very close. And 00:37:32.789 --> 00:37:37.050 I got to talk to him. Legit. Got to say everything 00:37:37.050 --> 00:37:40.489 I wanted to. This moment gets me emotional thinking 00:37:40.489 --> 00:37:44.750 about it. Talk to him. Say goodbye. Say everything 00:37:44.750 --> 00:37:47.969 I needed to say. And I remember feeling like 00:37:47.969 --> 00:37:51.949 that heaviness just lift off me. Like it just 00:37:51.949 --> 00:37:54.389 disappeared. And I was like, I'm good. I'm good. 00:37:54.469 --> 00:37:56.940 We did what we had to do finally. and said my 00:37:56.940 --> 00:38:00.880 goodbyes, and he went about his way. And I remember 00:38:00.880 --> 00:38:05.280 saying it again, like I'm happy. And go through 00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:06.940 the whole process. There's a bunch of other things 00:38:06.940 --> 00:38:09.320 happened, some things I had to forgive some people. 00:38:09.380 --> 00:38:12.820 I was able to do that. Saw a couple scenes in 00:38:12.820 --> 00:38:14.420 life that I had to deal with. I was able to deal 00:38:14.420 --> 00:38:18.440 with that. Remember I told you I asked for patience? 00:38:19.179 --> 00:38:22.239 There were several times in this journey where 00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:25.690 things just stopped. Like things weren't. whatever 00:38:25.690 --> 00:38:27.250 it was prepping, whatever it had to be done, 00:38:27.369 --> 00:38:30.889 and I'd get frustrated. And I could feel myself 00:38:30.889 --> 00:38:33.309 getting frustrated. Every single time, I remember 00:38:33.309 --> 00:38:35.849 the first time it popped up, a box popped up 00:38:35.849 --> 00:38:38.730 in front of me. Black box and the word patience. 00:38:39.469 --> 00:38:41.329 Every single time I'd get frustrated. It would 00:38:41.329 --> 00:38:44.130 pop up, hard stop, anything was going on, it 00:38:44.130 --> 00:38:46.489 would stop mid -scene, the word patience would 00:38:46.489 --> 00:38:48.949 pop up, and as soon as I calmed down, it would 00:38:48.949 --> 00:38:51.230 take down and then we'd keep going. Several times 00:38:51.230 --> 00:38:53.190 that happened. I was like, okay, I get it now. 00:38:53.480 --> 00:38:55.179 I see what you're doing. I'm learning a lesson 00:38:55.179 --> 00:38:59.280 here. So we go through the whole process, which 00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:01.940 is, again, the journey could last, I mean, 12 00:39:01.940 --> 00:39:04.460 hours, 18 hours. Some people, I mean, they run 00:39:04.460 --> 00:39:06.260 through it for a day and a half, depending on 00:39:06.260 --> 00:39:09.679 the individual themselves. Mine, I think, was 00:39:09.679 --> 00:39:11.760 a roundabout because you have no concept of real 00:39:11.760 --> 00:39:14.280 time when you're in there. I think I was about 00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:18.320 12, 13 hours. I went through this. And then I 00:39:18.320 --> 00:39:22.000 get to the end. And in the end, I remember asking, 00:39:22.059 --> 00:39:24.090 I was like. I got everything else I needed that 00:39:24.090 --> 00:39:26.030 I asked for, but purpose. What is my purpose 00:39:26.030 --> 00:39:30.210 here? Big movie screen popped up, and the word 00:39:30.210 --> 00:39:33.469 gentle was there. I remember thinking, like, 00:39:33.510 --> 00:39:35.230 what does that mean, gentle? What are we talking 00:39:35.230 --> 00:39:39.630 about here? I just kept flashing gentle. And 00:39:39.630 --> 00:39:42.269 I remember hearing, be gentle. I was like, all 00:39:42.269 --> 00:39:45.769 right. It was like, be gentle to yourself. I 00:39:45.769 --> 00:39:48.389 was like, okay, this makes more sense now. And 00:39:48.389 --> 00:39:51.570 then, ironically, I'll say this. My kid's mom 00:39:51.570 --> 00:39:54.179 at the time, She used to always, she's Hispanic, 00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:56.639 and she used to always tell me, like, you're 00:39:56.639 --> 00:39:59.519 extremely masculine. Like, you're extremely, 00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:03.059 like, hardcore. Like, nothing in a physical way, 00:40:03.079 --> 00:40:05.460 just like you walk around, like, hard all the 00:40:05.460 --> 00:40:08.059 time. Like, you look angry all the time. You 00:40:08.059 --> 00:40:11.619 need to be more gentle. But she used to say it 00:40:11.619 --> 00:40:13.820 in Spanish. And she used to call me, I always 00:40:13.820 --> 00:40:18.039 forget what she used to call me in Spanish. Bruto 00:40:18.039 --> 00:40:20.980 in Spanish. Like, you're a brute, you're a barbarian 00:40:20.980 --> 00:40:23.420 the way you walk. And I remember seeing that. 00:40:23.539 --> 00:40:25.900 I was like, you got to be kidding me. I was like, 00:40:25.940 --> 00:40:27.139 you're telling me this whole time she's been 00:40:27.139 --> 00:40:30.199 telling me this. This is the word. Even my trip, 00:40:30.219 --> 00:40:34.059 I can't get away from this. So I remember seeing 00:40:34.059 --> 00:40:36.340 it. I was like, okay, I got it. I was like, I 00:40:36.340 --> 00:40:38.420 see what you're saying here. You know, we forget 00:40:38.420 --> 00:40:41.820 to be gentle. Like even like when we were kids, 00:40:41.980 --> 00:40:43.920 we just were so hard on ourselves all the time 00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:48.599 about things. And it just creates so much that 00:40:48.599 --> 00:40:50.760 we go through life with it and just our traumas. 00:40:51.340 --> 00:40:53.860 that we deal with. People think that you have 00:40:53.860 --> 00:40:58.900 to be this hardcore either cop or vet that's 00:40:58.900 --> 00:41:01.840 been through some insane combat to say you have 00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:04.420 trauma. That's not the case. We all have trauma. 00:41:04.619 --> 00:41:07.980 Every person on this planet has trauma. And majority 00:41:07.980 --> 00:41:10.440 of the time, I would say probably 100 % of the 00:41:10.440 --> 00:41:12.679 time, it's not because of what we did. It's not 00:41:12.679 --> 00:41:14.320 because of what I was doing as a cop. That's 00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:16.420 not the trauma that I was dealing with. I didn't 00:41:16.420 --> 00:41:18.320 see any of that stuff. I was concerned and scared 00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:20.000 that I was going to have to sit there and relive 00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.000 that stuff out. traumas most of the time when 00:41:24.000 --> 00:41:27.219 we're kids and it could be sexual abuse it could 00:41:27.219 --> 00:41:28.880 be beaten it could be somebody stole your toy 00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:31.059 you know that's a trauma that's the part that 00:41:31.059 --> 00:41:33.820 we don't take in consideration is that we try 00:41:33.820 --> 00:41:36.360 to compare our traumas and we'll say like james 00:41:36.360 --> 00:41:39.639 your trauma was um like i said scenario toy got 00:41:39.639 --> 00:41:41.639 taken away but i was beat as a kid you don't 00:41:41.639 --> 00:41:45.039 have trauma no your perspective is that toy getting 00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:47.239 taken away was it was a life changer for you 00:41:47.239 --> 00:41:49.719 you know and that's where we don't see that and 00:41:49.719 --> 00:41:52.599 understand that everything that happened up to 00:41:52.599 --> 00:41:55.380 this point, it has created who you are. I'm a 00:41:55.380 --> 00:41:56.719 cop because of something that happened when I 00:41:56.719 --> 00:41:58.619 was a kid. That's why I became a cop. That's 00:41:58.619 --> 00:42:00.500 why I decided to play football. That's why I 00:42:00.500 --> 00:42:02.059 needed to be involved the way I was. You're doing 00:42:02.059 --> 00:42:04.800 what you're doing because of X, Y, and Z, whatever 00:42:04.800 --> 00:42:08.500 it may be, you know? So that kind of led me to 00:42:08.500 --> 00:42:11.440 where I was at. And then after the Ibogaine, 00:42:11.460 --> 00:42:15.199 go through your grade day, there's some other 00:42:15.199 --> 00:42:16.539 stuff that happened, but I'm going to fast forward 00:42:16.539 --> 00:42:18.860 to the 5MEO because that was the most prolific. 00:42:20.149 --> 00:42:24.130 experience I've ever had in my entire life. Um, 00:42:24.409 --> 00:42:30.269 so the five MEO, I go, I, um, was administer 00:42:30.269 --> 00:42:31.949 it. You're missing through a pipe. And I was 00:42:31.949 --> 00:42:33.630 like, ironically, I'm smoking out of a, what 00:42:33.630 --> 00:42:35.690 looks like a crack pipe. I was like, Scott, I 00:42:35.690 --> 00:42:41.889 already did this. Um, and the experience I was 00:42:41.889 --> 00:42:44.289 understanding that it was going to be either 00:42:44.289 --> 00:42:47.210 extremely euphoric or you're going to deal with 00:42:47.210 --> 00:42:50.210 some stuff. And I dealt with some stuff and I 00:42:50.210 --> 00:42:55.329 needed to. So I went into a battle with my ego 00:42:55.329 --> 00:42:58.630 like no other. Hardest battle that I've ever 00:42:58.630 --> 00:43:01.590 been in in my life. I dealt with it that day. 00:43:02.409 --> 00:43:06.289 And then I went through the ride. And when I 00:43:06.289 --> 00:43:10.610 came out on the other end, I was 180 degrees 00:43:10.610 --> 00:43:14.949 different of a person. I let out at the end of 00:43:14.949 --> 00:43:19.570 that experience, every... Every emotion, every 00:43:19.570 --> 00:43:23.170 feeling, every cry that I ever held back and 00:43:23.170 --> 00:43:26.469 locked away just spewed out of me. I couldn't 00:43:26.469 --> 00:43:28.889 stop it. I legitimately cried for like 15 minutes 00:43:28.889 --> 00:43:31.070 straight. Anybody who knows me, you've probably 00:43:31.070 --> 00:43:33.389 never seen me cry in my life. I legit cried, 00:43:33.449 --> 00:43:35.489 made up for every second that I've missed out 00:43:35.489 --> 00:43:38.469 on crying in life in that moment. But after that, 00:43:38.670 --> 00:43:41.750 it was like there was a release of a valve that 00:43:41.750 --> 00:43:45.329 was just getting ready to explode that was like 00:43:45.329 --> 00:43:49.440 no other. I could see clearer. I could hear sounds 00:43:49.440 --> 00:43:52.960 just sounded better. I can't explain it to people 00:43:52.960 --> 00:43:54.820 other than if you've done it, you'll know exactly 00:43:54.820 --> 00:43:56.880 what I'm talking about. Everybody in the world 00:43:56.880 --> 00:44:00.320 did this simultaneously. No issues in this world. 00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:02.559 You can kick my dog down the stairs in front 00:44:02.559 --> 00:44:04.239 of me. I'd have been like, whatever, you know, 00:44:04.260 --> 00:44:06.480 we go down there and pick them up. Then I was 00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:10.320 legitimately that great of a feeling. And even 00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:14.239 to this day, it's still, it has put me in a mindset 00:44:14.239 --> 00:44:17.219 where. like I told you in the beginning, I went 00:44:17.219 --> 00:44:21.239 from A to Z without going B, C, D. And to this 00:44:21.239 --> 00:44:22.860 point, to this day, it's like, A, okay, this 00:44:22.860 --> 00:44:24.719 is where we're at. B, do I even need to go to 00:44:24.719 --> 00:44:27.760 C at this point? Like, screw it. I'm done here. 00:44:27.860 --> 00:44:30.139 Like, I'm done. Like, that's it. Two plus two 00:44:30.139 --> 00:44:32.460 is five. It's five, whatever. That's what you 00:44:32.460 --> 00:44:33.719 believe. That's what you believe. Good story. 00:44:33.800 --> 00:44:36.099 Cool. My day has not changed because of that 00:44:36.099 --> 00:44:39.360 situation. And it has helped me out through life 00:44:39.360 --> 00:44:42.619 in so many different ways for my kids, any relationships, 00:44:42.820 --> 00:44:46.760 people I talk to. just being more open -minded, 00:44:46.880 --> 00:44:49.840 treating people with more grace, you know, having 00:44:49.840 --> 00:44:51.980 more of an understanding for people's battles 00:44:51.980 --> 00:44:55.539 and daily just traumas they deal with, you know. 00:44:56.639 --> 00:44:59.559 Even just raising my kids, man. Just things where 00:44:59.559 --> 00:45:00.940 I'd be like, oh, so uptight with them before. 00:45:01.000 --> 00:45:02.320 Like, don't do that. Don't do this. Stay here. 00:45:02.420 --> 00:45:04.420 But it's like, what are we doing here? You're 00:45:04.420 --> 00:45:06.239 working yourself up more than anything. Just 00:45:06.239 --> 00:45:08.880 enjoy the moment, you know. Just being more present 00:45:08.880 --> 00:45:11.900 in the moment has put me in that position. And 00:45:11.900 --> 00:45:15.780 then after this whole experience, It was like 00:45:15.780 --> 00:45:20.239 doors were opening at this point. So I started 00:45:20.239 --> 00:45:22.639 going down this path where things, I was meeting 00:45:22.639 --> 00:45:24.960 more people now, people that out of nowhere, 00:45:25.059 --> 00:45:27.440 we'd start having conversations and all of a 00:45:27.440 --> 00:45:28.960 sudden we're talking about Ibogaine and same 00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:31.239 thing they did. And I'm like, how many people 00:45:31.239 --> 00:45:34.199 know about this stuff? You know, how many people 00:45:34.199 --> 00:45:38.480 don't know about this stuff? And then I went 00:45:38.480 --> 00:45:40.500 down to Mexico again, we filmed a documentary 00:45:40.500 --> 00:45:44.420 out there and I was with a couple of guys and, 00:45:45.019 --> 00:45:46.639 An Instagram post popped up because I was thinking, 00:45:46.699 --> 00:45:48.480 like, purpose. Like, what am I doing here still? 00:45:48.639 --> 00:45:51.340 I got this stuff. I'm better. But how do we share 00:45:51.340 --> 00:45:52.900 this? Like, I'm a walking poster boy at this 00:45:52.900 --> 00:45:54.239 point. I'll tell everybody this story. I don't 00:45:54.239 --> 00:45:56.019 care what you think about me. I will tell you 00:45:56.019 --> 00:45:57.500 this story. Everybody should do this at least 00:45:57.500 --> 00:46:00.780 once, I feel. Especially just because we deal 00:46:00.780 --> 00:46:02.739 with so much trauma on a daily basis. And we 00:46:02.739 --> 00:46:05.300 just compartmentalize, don't know how to be emotionally 00:46:05.300 --> 00:46:08.059 mature about things is another big part. Or just 00:46:08.059 --> 00:46:09.440 battles that we're dealing with on a regular 00:46:09.440 --> 00:46:12.590 basis as first responders. a lot of times it 00:46:12.590 --> 00:46:14.730 ends with we see what the suicide rate is that's 00:46:14.730 --> 00:46:18.110 how it ends um i was like what else can i do 00:46:18.110 --> 00:46:23.030 and i was speaking to uh a vet down there and 00:46:23.030 --> 00:46:25.010 all of a sudden it's like our phones are always 00:46:25.010 --> 00:46:27.610 listening to us i'm on my instagram feed and 00:46:27.610 --> 00:46:31.170 343 pops up i'm like what is this reading through 00:46:31.170 --> 00:46:34.769 it what happened with 343 how it was created 00:46:34.769 --> 00:46:37.829 what angela did who angela was who casey was 00:46:37.829 --> 00:46:42.050 and something told me i was like I need to reach 00:46:42.050 --> 00:46:45.190 out. I need to reach out and see what I can do 00:46:45.190 --> 00:46:49.489 in this world of first responders. That's my 00:46:49.489 --> 00:46:51.789 thing. I'm not a vet, so I can't really touch 00:46:51.789 --> 00:46:54.030 too much on that. I was like, in the first responder 00:46:54.030 --> 00:46:56.429 world, I know this is needed. I've talked to 00:46:56.429 --> 00:46:58.530 and dealt with way too many guys that need this 00:46:58.530 --> 00:47:01.630 and don't have any route out other than a bottle 00:47:01.630 --> 00:47:04.829 or, like I stated before, other things. Reached 00:47:04.829 --> 00:47:07.230 out, immediately responded, which I was like, 00:47:07.289 --> 00:47:10.949 okay, that was fast. We had a meeting. We sat 00:47:10.949 --> 00:47:13.010 down and talked, spoke with Angela, some of the 00:47:13.010 --> 00:47:16.690 people behind the scenes, and we figured out 00:47:16.690 --> 00:47:19.989 that it's time. It's time to get out there and 00:47:19.989 --> 00:47:23.170 speak to the people. Let them know what's going 00:47:23.170 --> 00:47:26.590 on, what Ibogaine is, what first responders are 00:47:26.590 --> 00:47:30.530 dealing with on a regular basis. Understandably 00:47:30.530 --> 00:47:33.550 so or not. Talk to the first responders. Let 00:47:33.550 --> 00:47:35.650 the tough guys and tough girls know it's okay. 00:47:36.289 --> 00:47:38.269 There are other people out here dealing with 00:47:38.269 --> 00:47:39.639 it. Because that's a problem I had too. It's 00:47:39.639 --> 00:47:41.420 like, ah, nobody's dealing with this stuff. What 00:47:41.420 --> 00:47:43.539 you dealing with? Stop being a little girl. Stop 00:47:43.539 --> 00:47:47.340 doing all that stuff. But people are all dealing 00:47:47.340 --> 00:47:52.599 with it. And that is in short what we do. But 00:47:52.599 --> 00:47:59.039 the bigger picture, 343, it's a nonprofit. And 00:47:59.039 --> 00:48:02.619 we involve ourselves with assisting first responders 00:48:02.619 --> 00:48:06.719 and their families being able to attain the treatment 00:48:06.719 --> 00:48:12.449 for PTSD. Utilizing Abigain, SSRI addiction, 00:48:12.769 --> 00:48:16.570 alcoholism, TBI, so on and so forth, providing 00:48:16.570 --> 00:48:20.110 grants for the service through our nonprofit. 00:48:21.130 --> 00:48:26.349 And the big part of this, and I didn't understand 00:48:26.349 --> 00:48:28.050 what integration was when I did this, because 00:48:28.050 --> 00:48:30.429 like I told you before, I was just sped through 00:48:30.429 --> 00:48:33.050 the process. And it was meant for me to do it 00:48:33.050 --> 00:48:34.389 that way, because if I had to do integration, 00:48:34.469 --> 00:48:35.989 it would have gave me so many routes out of this. 00:48:37.309 --> 00:48:41.230 The integration part of it is huge, huge. And 00:48:41.230 --> 00:48:42.369 for people to understand what the integration 00:48:42.369 --> 00:48:46.349 is, it is the aspect that we provide. And I'll 00:48:46.349 --> 00:48:48.710 even raise this workbook up here. They created 00:48:48.710 --> 00:48:52.570 a workbook that has some great, can't see it 00:48:52.570 --> 00:48:55.070 on the camera, some great aspects of things and 00:48:55.070 --> 00:48:59.369 explain what Ibogaine is, breath work, different 00:48:59.369 --> 00:49:03.030 coaches that are involved for your pre journey, 00:49:03.210 --> 00:49:07.420 post journey, and then just the work after. The 00:49:07.420 --> 00:49:10.519 whole process that is constant. It is not a stop 00:49:10.519 --> 00:49:13.340 one, like I said, one all fix type of scenario. 00:49:13.920 --> 00:49:16.639 That is one big thing, being the premier provider 00:49:16.639 --> 00:49:19.519 for these services for first responders and their 00:49:19.519 --> 00:49:23.539 families that I think 343 does like no other. 00:49:23.760 --> 00:49:27.380 And the care and the time that people don't see 00:49:27.380 --> 00:49:30.440 that this whole organization, Angela is a rock 00:49:30.440 --> 00:49:32.260 star. I mean, you've talked to her. The stuff 00:49:32.260 --> 00:49:34.460 that she talked about, it's not half of it. It 00:49:34.460 --> 00:49:36.099 doesn't scratch the surface of what she's doing 00:49:36.099 --> 00:49:38.239 on a daily basis here. And I don't know how she 00:49:38.239 --> 00:49:40.079 does it, honestly, because I wouldn't be able 00:49:40.079 --> 00:49:43.579 to do it physically for the amount of hours and 00:49:43.579 --> 00:49:46.619 time she puts into this to care for people in 00:49:46.619 --> 00:49:49.199 the manner she does. And then just the coaches, 00:49:49.500 --> 00:49:52.099 integration coaches, your breathwork coaches, 00:49:52.400 --> 00:49:56.280 admin things. I'll shout out Jill for the stuff 00:49:56.280 --> 00:49:58.659 she does because that woman is a rock star. I 00:49:58.659 --> 00:50:00.340 don't, again, don't know how she's able to do 00:50:00.340 --> 00:50:02.039 it, but there are other people behind the scenes 00:50:02.039 --> 00:50:05.519 that make this thing what it is and what it needs 00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:09.099 to continue to do and grow. And as we know, Ibogaine 00:50:09.099 --> 00:50:12.840 is becoming something that is going to come to 00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:15.340 the United States here soon and hopefully be 00:50:15.340 --> 00:50:18.159 a treatment that we'll be able to as first responders 00:50:18.159 --> 00:50:21.300 and just regular everyday citizens and civilians 00:50:21.300 --> 00:50:26.199 have access to for the necessary needs that we 00:50:26.199 --> 00:50:29.710 have as human beings. you know so that is a short 00:50:29.710 --> 00:50:33.449 of that so it's kind of a story a little bit 00:50:33.449 --> 00:50:35.789 there no no it's amazing though and i think what 00:50:35.789 --> 00:50:38.650 makes your voice so powerful and i've had this 00:50:38.650 --> 00:50:41.670 with with many people i just had a a guy on recently 00:50:41.670 --> 00:50:45.030 uh russell jones who was a vietnam helicopter 00:50:45.030 --> 00:50:48.469 pilot then california police officer then undercover 00:50:48.469 --> 00:50:51.690 agent but he got involved in in a lot of the 00:50:51.690 --> 00:50:55.449 uh the kind of war on drug side and again you 00:50:55.449 --> 00:50:57.210 know he ended up coming out saying look this 00:50:57.210 --> 00:51:00.170 is a failed war this is we just we're not doing 00:51:00.170 --> 00:51:02.349 it right so when law enforcement talks about 00:51:02.349 --> 00:51:05.269 this i think it really puts it front and center 00:51:05.269 --> 00:51:07.750 because it's easy for you know some guy with 00:51:07.750 --> 00:51:09.889 long hair and rose -colored glasses and tie -dye 00:51:09.889 --> 00:51:12.590 clothes to talk about psychedelics but the people 00:51:12.590 --> 00:51:14.909 that we have told to enforce the war on drugs 00:51:14.909 --> 00:51:18.289 and demonize all these drugs you know it is the 00:51:18.289 --> 00:51:23.130 most powerful voice when you talked about reflecting 00:51:23.130 --> 00:51:26.809 on the things that came up in the journeys and 00:51:26.809 --> 00:51:30.170 that the actual traumatic calls, air quotes, 00:51:30.389 --> 00:51:32.809 weren't the main things that we're seeing. It's 00:51:32.809 --> 00:51:35.230 something that I've heard over and over and over 00:51:35.230 --> 00:51:37.389 again. Jake Clark from Save a Warrior really 00:51:37.389 --> 00:51:40.869 opened my eyes to the prevalence of trauma in 00:51:40.869 --> 00:51:43.409 the uniform professions and childhood trauma. 00:51:43.690 --> 00:51:47.190 I think it's important to underline that. If 00:51:47.190 --> 00:51:50.010 addressed, I truly believe that becomes a strength. 00:51:50.110 --> 00:51:52.289 That is resilience. It's trauma that's being 00:51:52.289 --> 00:51:54.489 worked through. But so many of us, as you said, 00:51:54.650 --> 00:51:58.090 bury it down. And our coping mechanism is, well, 00:51:58.110 --> 00:52:00.130 let me form this coat of armor. I'm going to 00:52:00.130 --> 00:52:02.469 be a protector. I'm going to be a martial artist, 00:52:02.730 --> 00:52:05.630 whatever the things are, a soldier, which is 00:52:05.630 --> 00:52:09.070 an admirable journey unless you're doing it to 00:52:09.070 --> 00:52:11.610 fill a void that's unfillable. And then that 00:52:11.610 --> 00:52:15.429 becomes an issue. So I know a lot of people that... 00:52:15.940 --> 00:52:18.940 had a parent, both parents kind of leave, you 00:52:18.940 --> 00:52:20.760 know, and you mentioned your father is your stepfather. 00:52:21.159 --> 00:52:23.880 There was that felt that feeling of abandonment. 00:52:23.880 --> 00:52:26.199 Why wasn't I good enough for my, you know, biological 00:52:26.199 --> 00:52:29.420 parent, et cetera. When you reflect back now, 00:52:29.539 --> 00:52:31.440 what was some of the elements of your upbringing 00:52:31.440 --> 00:52:34.380 that contributed to the kind of fracture of the 00:52:34.380 --> 00:52:38.579 foundation initially? Honestly, that part wasn't 00:52:38.579 --> 00:52:40.780 an issue for me in my life. My father, I didn't 00:52:40.780 --> 00:52:43.400 know my biological father and my stepfather who 00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:45.079 I call my, that's why I call my father was there. 00:52:45.420 --> 00:52:48.159 for me from the get -go um so that was i never 00:52:48.159 --> 00:52:50.860 felt sensitive abandonment he was never somebody 00:52:50.860 --> 00:52:53.360 that i ever felt like i was less of i was only 00:52:53.360 --> 00:52:55.199 part of the family that is one thing i will say 00:52:55.199 --> 00:52:58.980 that he never allowed me to feel um and even 00:52:58.980 --> 00:53:02.820 the fact that i'm black and he was white that's 00:53:02.820 --> 00:53:05.559 where suzo comes from like you would figure that 00:53:05.559 --> 00:53:07.340 somebody would see that mix and then it'd be 00:53:07.340 --> 00:53:09.719 like totally off the chain and like i'm not accepting 00:53:09.719 --> 00:53:12.340 this it was never the case so i can't say that 00:53:12.340 --> 00:53:17.380 had anything to do with it honestly Um, as youth, 00:53:17.500 --> 00:53:22.579 I, I really don't know how to touch it in the 00:53:22.579 --> 00:53:26.179 younger ages of things, I guess. Um, sometimes 00:53:26.179 --> 00:53:27.960 I was a little problem child. I did some things, 00:53:28.059 --> 00:53:30.960 you know, I was running around figuring out learning 00:53:30.960 --> 00:53:35.380 life lessons the hard way. Um, my mom is a very, 00:53:35.440 --> 00:53:39.239 uh, say we were raised in a militaristic mindset, 00:53:39.440 --> 00:53:42.239 tough, great woman, loved the woman, killed it 00:53:42.239 --> 00:53:45.320 as a parent. Still killing it as a woman, especially 00:53:45.320 --> 00:53:47.800 stuff that she's dealt with with my father passing 00:53:47.800 --> 00:53:54.920 away when he did. But I also feel the hardest 00:53:54.920 --> 00:54:01.260 part for me was I never wanted to let him down. 00:54:02.739 --> 00:54:03.980 It's funny you bring this up. I never actually 00:54:03.980 --> 00:54:05.199 talked about this. Now I'm thinking about it. 00:54:05.219 --> 00:54:06.460 You just touched the top that I've never really 00:54:06.460 --> 00:54:09.599 talked about. I never really wanted to let him 00:54:09.599 --> 00:54:11.769 down. Because he bought me into sports. Like, 00:54:11.769 --> 00:54:15.110 he was the reason I started playing sports. And 00:54:15.110 --> 00:54:16.530 honestly, I never really wanted to play sports. 00:54:16.630 --> 00:54:19.769 I was good at what I did and played college football, 00:54:20.809 --> 00:54:22.550 everything like that. But I always felt like 00:54:22.550 --> 00:54:24.809 I never wanted to let him down in particular 00:54:24.809 --> 00:54:27.670 with things. And then that led into, like I said, 00:54:27.710 --> 00:54:29.989 the protective mindset of things is like, I've 00:54:29.989 --> 00:54:32.570 got to make sure he's always good when it comes 00:54:32.570 --> 00:54:36.690 to protecting him. And then the hardest part 00:54:36.690 --> 00:54:40.460 was when he was passing away. was i couldn't 00:54:40.460 --> 00:54:45.320 do anything and they can hit a string on this 00:54:45.320 --> 00:54:49.659 one um i felt like i let him down because i couldn't 00:54:49.659 --> 00:54:52.280 i was his protector and i had to just watch him 00:54:52.280 --> 00:54:59.400 die you know and it sucked doing that um so that 00:54:59.400 --> 00:55:01.800 was a big part of it too and then i just turned 00:55:01.800 --> 00:55:03.679 that into just anger and then just took it out 00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:05.599 on a football field i was good i had a little 00:55:05.599 --> 00:55:08.050 valve where i I could go hurt people on a football 00:55:08.050 --> 00:55:10.369 field and let it out a little bit. As funny as 00:55:10.369 --> 00:55:12.469 it's not, that's the way I would do it. But I 00:55:12.469 --> 00:55:14.369 felt like I let him down there. And then all 00:55:14.369 --> 00:55:16.510 of a sudden I was told to be, I was kind of given 00:55:16.510 --> 00:55:18.750 the torch to be the man of the family. I wasn't 00:55:18.750 --> 00:55:21.750 ready for that. You know, I was young, still 00:55:21.750 --> 00:55:23.309 figuring things out. I was a knucklehead, stuff 00:55:23.309 --> 00:55:27.809 I was doing still. And it was just like, I just 00:55:27.809 --> 00:55:32.070 did not know what to do. And I just kind of, 00:55:32.090 --> 00:55:35.170 honestly, I kind of ran away from it. I ran away 00:55:35.170 --> 00:55:36.849 from it. I went and I did other things and I 00:55:36.849 --> 00:55:39.389 kept trying to find things to do other than that, 00:55:39.469 --> 00:55:41.949 just to keep me away from, I guess, the accountability 00:55:41.949 --> 00:55:44.349 aspect of things. And then when my grandfather 00:55:44.349 --> 00:55:47.070 passed away, that was another big part. And that's 00:55:47.070 --> 00:55:49.789 why I felt like I needed to say goodbye to them 00:55:49.789 --> 00:55:54.530 because when my grandfather passed away and he 00:55:54.530 --> 00:55:56.570 was another huge supporter of me, like this guy. 00:55:57.230 --> 00:55:59.949 And today he was like, I would go to all my sport 00:55:59.949 --> 00:56:01.630 events. I had no business being out in the cold 00:56:01.630 --> 00:56:03.650 at a football game, but tell him he's not going 00:56:03.650 --> 00:56:07.369 out there. Good luck. And when he was passing 00:56:07.369 --> 00:56:10.650 away and he was dying, he asked to be home. And 00:56:10.650 --> 00:56:11.829 everybody's telling him, no, he's got to be in 00:56:11.829 --> 00:56:13.750 the doctor. And they didn't tell me this. And 00:56:13.750 --> 00:56:15.769 I don't hold this against my family at all. But 00:56:15.769 --> 00:56:20.769 it hurt. Was they asked? He asked to find me 00:56:20.769 --> 00:56:22.289 because I was I think I was out of state at the 00:56:22.289 --> 00:56:25.170 time. Get Aaron over here to pick me up and bring 00:56:25.170 --> 00:56:29.860 me back home. And I remember when I heard it, 00:56:29.860 --> 00:56:31.239 cause I heard it after he passed away, I was 00:56:31.239 --> 00:56:32.579 thinking in my head, like, why wouldn't you tell 00:56:32.579 --> 00:56:34.360 me that? And I was like, I know why you wouldn't 00:56:34.360 --> 00:56:35.559 tell me that. Cause you know, I'd go in there, 00:56:35.619 --> 00:56:37.599 I'd pick him up and I'd walk him through Staten 00:56:37.599 --> 00:56:39.900 Island and bring him home just so he could sit 00:56:39.900 --> 00:56:43.260 down and be comfortable. And yeah, I think that 00:56:43.260 --> 00:56:45.019 had a lot to do with it. And then having my younger 00:56:45.019 --> 00:56:47.719 brothers too, like just, I'm supposed to be a 00:56:47.719 --> 00:56:49.840 role model for these guys and protecting them, 00:56:49.960 --> 00:56:52.579 protecting my mom. And it's like, I'm this protector, 00:56:52.579 --> 00:56:55.519 but I'm not doing it. You know? So I was just. 00:56:56.030 --> 00:57:01.510 beating myself up for that um yeah honestly my 00:57:01.510 --> 00:57:03.409 child my childhood wasn't bad i can't really 00:57:03.409 --> 00:57:04.889 say that there was anything i mean the normal 00:57:04.889 --> 00:57:07.190 stuff you know i messed up got a whooping for 00:57:07.190 --> 00:57:09.690 things but 99 .9 of those whoopings i deserved 00:57:09.690 --> 00:57:16.909 um other than that uh i remember when i lived 00:57:16.909 --> 00:57:19.969 in new york there's a vivid memory of um being 00:57:19.969 --> 00:57:22.409 involved there was a shootout outside of a laundromat 00:57:22.409 --> 00:57:24.050 i don't think my mom even remembers that i remember 00:57:24.050 --> 00:57:27.949 this I vividly remember a shootout happening 00:57:27.949 --> 00:57:30.849 outside a laundromat. And I remember not being 00:57:30.849 --> 00:57:33.949 scared. I remember her pushing me under like 00:57:33.949 --> 00:57:36.289 a dryer, like under the little folding area. 00:57:36.610 --> 00:57:39.289 And I remember wanting to get out from under 00:57:39.289 --> 00:57:41.170 there to go see what was going on out there. 00:57:42.030 --> 00:57:44.570 And I remember wanting to go towards what was 00:57:44.570 --> 00:57:48.030 happening and not wanting to hide. And those 00:57:48.030 --> 00:57:50.489 little things, like I said, it was the small 00:57:50.489 --> 00:57:53.449 things throughout my childhood. That led up to 00:57:53.449 --> 00:57:55.730 that. And that was, I think, a big one because 00:57:55.730 --> 00:57:58.550 I vividly remember the laundromat. I remember 00:57:58.550 --> 00:58:00.329 hearing the gunshots and I remember that stuff. 00:58:01.090 --> 00:58:04.690 And yeah, hopefully that answers your question 00:58:04.690 --> 00:58:09.190 a little bit. No, it does. It does. I think one 00:58:09.190 --> 00:58:11.869 of the worst conversations when it comes to our 00:58:11.869 --> 00:58:14.710 professions and mental health is, you know, well, 00:58:14.809 --> 00:58:17.150 you had those officer involved shootings. I had 00:58:17.150 --> 00:58:18.789 that decapitated three -year -old, you know, 00:58:18.809 --> 00:58:21.739 whatever the thing is. And more often than not, 00:58:21.739 --> 00:58:23.619 yeah, of course, was that traumatic? Absolutely. 00:58:23.880 --> 00:58:27.400 But if we're not looking at, you know, it doesn't 00:58:27.400 --> 00:58:30.239 matter whether it was childhood or 25 years, 00:58:30.380 --> 00:58:32.500 but before you put the uniform on, what were 00:58:32.500 --> 00:58:34.360 the things? Because each of those that you talked 00:58:34.360 --> 00:58:37.400 about, they are large T, they are traumas. And 00:58:37.400 --> 00:58:41.159 again, if left unaddressed, especially with my 00:58:41.159 --> 00:58:45.179 career, 14 years in the fire service, I didn't 00:58:45.179 --> 00:58:47.760 have a single cardiac arrest safe, which is. 00:58:48.119 --> 00:58:50.280 unheard of people normally save at least one 00:58:50.280 --> 00:58:52.760 you know what i mean so you're groomed where 00:58:52.760 --> 00:58:56.139 you're told if you do a b and c then the result 00:58:56.139 --> 00:58:58.639 is d like this person will then you know come 00:58:58.639 --> 00:59:00.460 to the station a week later and bring a cake 00:59:00.460 --> 00:59:03.099 and maybe in the paper and no none of that they 00:59:03.099 --> 00:59:06.500 all died all of them every single one so again 00:59:06.500 --> 00:59:09.599 that inability to save can be crushing and that's 00:59:09.599 --> 00:59:12.099 a stranger not to mention you know, like you 00:59:12.099 --> 00:59:14.480 said, the guilt and shame, even though it's unwarranted 00:59:14.480 --> 00:59:17.880 of not being able to save your loved one or your 00:59:17.880 --> 00:59:20.099 partner or your best friend or whoever it is. 00:59:21.619 --> 00:59:24.559 Yeah, it definitely is. I mean, apologies that 00:59:24.559 --> 00:59:26.219 you had to even deal with that. That was like, 00:59:26.260 --> 00:59:28.960 unfortunately, what you said was like my one 00:59:28.960 --> 00:59:31.659 nightmare. I can't deal with watching kids get 00:59:31.659 --> 00:59:34.300 hurt. I can't. I was blessed to never have to 00:59:34.300 --> 00:59:36.619 ever deal with something like that. There was 00:59:36.619 --> 00:59:38.440 one office where there was some things that happened, 00:59:38.480 --> 00:59:40.840 but. That would have been automatic. I'm done 00:59:40.840 --> 00:59:44.659 here. I'm not coming back from this one. So I 00:59:44.659 --> 00:59:47.119 feel for you on that one. I will tell you there 00:59:47.119 --> 00:59:51.199 was an incident. And it didn't pop up until after 00:59:51.199 --> 00:59:55.420 I retired how much this affected me. We went 00:59:55.420 --> 00:59:57.440 to, and right before this happened, I was chasing 00:59:57.440 --> 00:59:59.699 some guy. I almost shot this guy on a bike. Guy's 00:59:59.699 --> 01:00:01.980 running around a school zone with a gun. And 01:00:01.980 --> 01:00:05.260 so, like, running into my gun. Luckily, my finger 01:00:05.260 --> 01:00:06.480 wasn't on the trigger of that gun because it 01:00:06.480 --> 01:00:08.519 went off. Rightfully so, but it is what it is. 01:00:09.130 --> 01:00:12.889 So right after that, I go from that call to a 01:00:12.889 --> 01:00:15.369 shots fired call in the house. And in Hayward, 01:00:15.429 --> 01:00:17.530 California, that's not unheard of, of guns going 01:00:17.530 --> 01:00:20.730 off all the time out there. So then we got another 01:00:20.730 --> 01:00:24.829 call. Lady's calling, said that some of her son 01:00:24.829 --> 01:00:27.929 is shot in the house. Me and my partner get there 01:00:27.929 --> 01:00:32.530 first, go in the house, hook a left. Middle -aged, 01:00:32.630 --> 01:00:37.409 kid's probably 24, 25 -year -old kid, 38, still 01:00:37.409 --> 01:00:40.889 smoking. out of his mouth exit wound at the top 01:00:40.889 --> 01:00:42.710 of his head. He's clear. He's doing the last, 01:00:42.710 --> 01:00:44.690 his last breaths. You clearly know that he's 01:00:44.690 --> 01:00:46.869 about to go. You search the house, make sure 01:00:46.869 --> 01:00:50.329 it was exactly what you think it is. It is. So 01:00:50.329 --> 01:00:53.070 luckily you guys, the fire guys get there. Cause 01:00:53.070 --> 01:00:55.469 that saves us a lot of trauma ourselves. Honestly, 01:00:55.469 --> 01:00:57.070 God bless you guys. I know we give each other 01:00:57.070 --> 01:00:59.510 a lot of crap, but God bless you guys. When you 01:00:59.510 --> 01:01:01.130 get there and we can back out and let you do 01:01:01.130 --> 01:01:03.110 your thing. They go in there to do their thing. 01:01:03.170 --> 01:01:05.670 You clearly know that he's, he's 10, 10, he's 01:01:05.670 --> 01:01:09.440 gone. But you gotta, In a sense, a lie to the 01:01:09.440 --> 01:01:11.639 family. And that's where it starts. Like you 01:01:11.639 --> 01:01:14.000 got to turn off that emotion switch and you just 01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:16.320 got to start working. So I grabbed the lady, 01:01:16.420 --> 01:01:19.679 black lady, pull her out. Son is a white mixed 01:01:19.679 --> 01:01:23.519 kid. And it's going to be relevant why I said 01:01:23.519 --> 01:01:25.099 that in a second. I kind of pull her to the side 01:01:25.099 --> 01:01:27.400 outside, put her on the other side of the car 01:01:27.400 --> 01:01:28.920 because I know it's about to happen. And if anybody 01:01:28.920 --> 01:01:34.780 has ever had the unfortunate experience of holding 01:01:34.780 --> 01:01:37.199 a mother away from their child in a situation 01:01:37.199 --> 01:01:40.210 like that, It is probably one of the hardest 01:01:40.210 --> 01:01:41.690 things I've ever done in my life. I'm not a weak 01:01:41.690 --> 01:01:44.670 individual. I was bear -hugging this lady as 01:01:44.670 --> 01:01:46.309 hard as I can, and she was getting out of my 01:01:46.309 --> 01:01:49.130 grip. It wasn't a big lady, and she was getting 01:01:49.130 --> 01:01:50.469 at it. I was to the point where I was like, I'm 01:01:50.469 --> 01:01:51.909 going to have to break her ribs to keep her here. 01:01:52.409 --> 01:01:54.590 So I'm trying to let paramedics get him out of 01:01:54.590 --> 01:01:55.989 there because I don't want her to see him like 01:01:55.989 --> 01:01:59.130 that. And she's just losing it. So as I'm holding 01:01:59.130 --> 01:02:00.510 her on the other side of the car, trying to keep 01:02:00.510 --> 01:02:03.389 her face and me away from it, a guy pulls up 01:02:03.389 --> 01:02:06.789 in a truck. It's a white guy. So he comes up 01:02:06.789 --> 01:02:08.750 and you clearly see he's the father. So he's 01:02:08.750 --> 01:02:10.309 asking questions like, I need you over here right 01:02:10.309 --> 01:02:12.289 now. I tell them, I was like, I need you to look 01:02:12.289 --> 01:02:14.630 at her and I need you to just talk to her and 01:02:14.630 --> 01:02:16.630 deal with her right now. I need to go over there 01:02:16.630 --> 01:02:18.889 and we need to get him in that because he's fighting 01:02:18.889 --> 01:02:20.210 right now, but we need to get him out of there. 01:02:20.730 --> 01:02:22.150 And at this point, I know in my head, I'm like, 01:02:22.170 --> 01:02:23.469 I'm lying to these people. It's fucking kids. 01:02:23.570 --> 01:02:25.530 Excuse me. This kid is gone. Like he's not coming 01:02:25.530 --> 01:02:29.670 back from this. So come to find out story is 01:02:29.670 --> 01:02:33.250 she, he comes home, is about to commit suicide. 01:02:34.380 --> 01:02:37.579 She works down the street and forgot her lunch 01:02:37.579 --> 01:02:41.880 that day. Comes home to get her lunch. And just 01:02:41.880 --> 01:02:44.519 as timing being what it is, walks in as he pulls 01:02:44.519 --> 01:02:49.199 the trigger and watches him off himself. So as 01:02:49.199 --> 01:02:52.840 I'm putting these two together, the kid is getting 01:02:52.840 --> 01:02:57.099 rolled out. All of a sudden in my head, I related 01:02:57.099 --> 01:03:00.760 this lady as my mother and this guy as my father. 01:03:03.159 --> 01:03:06.360 And the kid on the gurney was my brother. And 01:03:06.360 --> 01:03:09.000 I was just like, oh, shoot. And I remember thinking 01:03:09.000 --> 01:03:11.219 to myself, like, get out of this right now. I 01:03:11.219 --> 01:03:12.800 was like, you need to get it together. And I 01:03:12.800 --> 01:03:15.579 shut it down immediately like that. Put it away, 01:03:15.639 --> 01:03:18.980 never thought about it again. And then about 01:03:18.980 --> 01:03:22.000 a year ago, it popped up. And the whole thing 01:03:22.000 --> 01:03:25.280 came together for me. And I remember crying, 01:03:25.400 --> 01:03:26.960 too. I was by myself when this came up. I remember 01:03:26.960 --> 01:03:30.019 crying. And it literally felt like that happened 01:03:30.019 --> 01:03:33.900 to me. And that was a hard one for me. Even to 01:03:33.900 --> 01:03:35.639 this day, like just thinking about and telling 01:03:35.639 --> 01:03:39.920 a story, it gets me. Those are the traumas similar 01:03:39.920 --> 01:03:41.780 to like yours with that three -year -old, man. 01:03:41.840 --> 01:03:44.860 You can't get rid of it. It stays there. It affects 01:03:44.860 --> 01:03:47.760 you and you directly correlate it with like it 01:03:47.760 --> 01:03:50.559 happened to you. And people don't understand 01:03:50.559 --> 01:03:54.099 like that feeling, that helplessness. Like you 01:03:54.099 --> 01:03:56.199 said, 14 times you're supposed to save somebody. 01:03:56.260 --> 01:03:57.360 You start thinking to yourself, like, what am 01:03:57.360 --> 01:03:59.159 I, a failure here? Like, what am I doing? Supposed 01:03:59.159 --> 01:04:00.800 to be saving lives and I haven't done one yet, 01:04:00.880 --> 01:04:05.619 you know? Or like being in a position to do something. 01:04:05.780 --> 01:04:07.260 And it's like, I can't do that. You're helpless. 01:04:07.900 --> 01:04:10.760 I'm supposed to be the superhero here and I can't 01:04:10.760 --> 01:04:14.659 do anything for you, buddy. You know? So just 01:04:14.659 --> 01:04:16.659 to piggyback off that, man, that was, that was 01:04:16.659 --> 01:04:19.880 one of them for me that sticks with me to this 01:04:19.880 --> 01:04:23.639 day. It was that watching that one happen. And 01:04:23.639 --> 01:04:25.840 that's, that's a trauma I had to, I had to work 01:04:25.840 --> 01:04:27.980 through. Like that was that I saw that throughout 01:04:27.980 --> 01:04:30.260 my journey. That was part of it that I saw. And 01:04:30.260 --> 01:04:31.980 I had to kind of tell myself, like, no, it's 01:04:31.980 --> 01:04:36.619 good, man. Like, that wasn't you, you know. It's 01:04:36.619 --> 01:04:39.420 the traumas that first responders deal with and 01:04:39.420 --> 01:04:41.079 people don't really understand on a civilian 01:04:41.079 --> 01:04:43.880 basis. It's just like it is every single day. 01:04:44.280 --> 01:04:47.380 You've popped a bubble that you can never put 01:04:47.380 --> 01:04:49.719 back together. You've seen things that you will 01:04:49.719 --> 01:04:52.420 never unsee. You will never unsee. I don't wish 01:04:52.420 --> 01:04:54.320 it upon some of the worst people in this world, 01:04:54.360 --> 01:04:56.159 some of the stuff that you watch and people do 01:04:56.159 --> 01:04:59.079 and the evil that you see, the effects it has 01:04:59.079 --> 01:05:01.889 on you. you, your family, you know, because it 01:05:01.889 --> 01:05:03.769 trickles over, you know, you don't know how to 01:05:03.769 --> 01:05:05.389 deal with their emotion. So now you're angry. 01:05:05.630 --> 01:05:08.130 So now somebody's got to pay for it. Wife says 01:05:08.130 --> 01:05:10.469 something that's, I don't know, just doesn't 01:05:10.469 --> 01:05:12.150 make sense that day. And now you just snap them 01:05:12.150 --> 01:05:14.550 off for no reason. You know, your kid says something 01:05:14.550 --> 01:05:15.869 while you're in an angry moment. Now you're going 01:05:15.869 --> 01:05:18.909 to get it now, you know? And then they don't 01:05:18.909 --> 01:05:20.630 deserve it. You know, they did absolutely nothing. 01:05:20.949 --> 01:05:23.969 And then you try to explain it to them. And that's 01:05:23.969 --> 01:05:25.670 where you go wrong too, because you expect them 01:05:25.670 --> 01:05:27.940 to understand it. And they're not understanding. 01:05:28.099 --> 01:05:29.800 So now you get more frustrated than not understanding 01:05:29.800 --> 01:05:32.079 it. You know, I'm telling you, yeah, I just watched 01:05:32.079 --> 01:05:34.159 some kid off himself. Oh yeah, that sucks. What 01:05:34.159 --> 01:05:35.980 do you want to go eat for dinner? It's just like, 01:05:36.000 --> 01:05:38.139 wait a minute. Did you hear what I just said? 01:05:38.539 --> 01:05:40.840 You know, but you expect people to relate with 01:05:40.840 --> 01:05:46.039 you on that side of things. And you have no help. 01:05:46.559 --> 01:05:48.179 And then with first responders, what are we supposed 01:05:48.179 --> 01:05:49.920 to do? Let's go see our therapist. You know what 01:05:49.920 --> 01:05:51.940 our therapist is for. So you can sign off and 01:05:51.940 --> 01:05:54.820 get back to work. That's what it's for, you know? 01:05:55.459 --> 01:05:57.940 99 .9%. I'm not talking to you anyway. So let's 01:05:57.940 --> 01:05:59.000 just do what we got to do. You good? Yeah, I'm 01:05:59.000 --> 01:06:03.780 good. All right, what do I got to sign? So first 01:06:03.780 --> 01:06:06.360 responders, just to get off of this part, is 01:06:06.360 --> 01:06:11.139 we need more outlets and more assistance with 01:06:11.139 --> 01:06:13.400 this stuff, with the things that you've seen 01:06:13.400 --> 01:06:15.940 and dealt with. It's amazing that you have this 01:06:15.940 --> 01:06:19.039 platform to do it. It's amazing what Angela and 01:06:19.039 --> 01:06:22.699 the team have done with 343 to begin this process. 01:06:22.960 --> 01:06:26.179 It's amazing that we have found. a holistic way 01:06:26.179 --> 01:06:30.500 to do things other than SSRIs, alcohol, and shoot, 01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:32.380 let me get a feeling from a woman or a man or 01:06:32.380 --> 01:06:33.960 whatever. Just get a relationship for five minutes 01:06:33.960 --> 01:06:35.440 just to feel something and go right back to my 01:06:35.440 --> 01:06:42.119 numb ways of life. It is necessary and it is 01:06:42.119 --> 01:06:44.860 time because I'm tired of going to funerals. 01:06:44.880 --> 01:06:46.960 I'm tired of hearing about funerals. I'm tired 01:06:46.960 --> 01:06:49.079 of hearing people taking their lives without 01:06:49.079 --> 01:06:53.019 a sign anywhere that you even saw coming. My 01:06:53.019 --> 01:06:54.420 partner took his life, and I thought this kid 01:06:54.420 --> 01:06:57.039 was the happiest kid in the world. I was laughing 01:06:57.039 --> 01:07:00.360 with him 10 hours before he did it. And I'm thinking, 01:07:00.400 --> 01:07:02.880 I have a miserable life. And clearly, there was 01:07:02.880 --> 01:07:04.400 something going on even more than I knew about. 01:07:06.780 --> 01:07:08.960 But yeah, we have to give the guys and girls 01:07:08.960 --> 01:07:13.099 that put it out there the sacrifice of not only 01:07:13.099 --> 01:07:15.119 their lives, but their families' lives every 01:07:15.119 --> 01:07:18.579 single day, hour after hour. It's not only when 01:07:18.579 --> 01:07:21.159 they're on the clock either. It happens. It happens 01:07:21.159 --> 01:07:25.739 24 -7. So, I mean, it's just, it's so much, so 01:07:25.739 --> 01:07:29.019 much. You mentioned about, you know, coming back 01:07:29.019 --> 01:07:30.480 and snapping at the kids. And obviously that 01:07:30.480 --> 01:07:33.159 was a pivotal moment in your story as well. One 01:07:33.159 --> 01:07:36.840 of the truths that's emerged again from all these 01:07:36.840 --> 01:07:39.880 stories, all these lived experiences, when you 01:07:39.880 --> 01:07:42.619 have that perfect storm of all the contributing 01:07:42.619 --> 01:07:44.519 factors, you know, again, unaddressed childhood 01:07:44.519 --> 01:07:46.639 trauma, sleep deprivation, organizational betrayal, 01:07:46.800 --> 01:07:49.679 the things we actually see on the job. you know 01:07:49.679 --> 01:07:52.139 the side effects of alcohol psych meds etc etc 01:07:52.139 --> 01:07:56.420 over and over again i hear the same thing that 01:07:56.420 --> 01:08:00.099 little voice in people's ear is whispering louder 01:08:00.099 --> 01:08:04.219 and louder saying you are a burden to your family 01:08:04.219 --> 01:08:07.679 and they would be better off if you just weren't 01:08:07.679 --> 01:08:10.059 here that would fix everything makes no sense 01:08:10.059 --> 01:08:13.000 to a healthy mind but when your entire reality 01:08:13.000 --> 01:08:16.060 has been distorted It makes perfect sense. And 01:08:16.060 --> 01:08:17.899 then you add the fact that you've got a person 01:08:17.899 --> 01:08:20.979 who swore to die for a complete stranger in your 01:08:20.979 --> 01:08:23.979 profession, has the means of suicide strapped 01:08:23.979 --> 01:08:29.699 to their waist. Now, what we used to call cowardly 01:08:29.699 --> 01:08:33.079 and selfish in that distorted moment, I would 01:08:33.079 --> 01:08:35.899 argue, was courageous and selfless. It was wrong. 01:08:36.060 --> 01:08:39.539 It was a distorted perception. But it was at 01:08:39.539 --> 01:08:41.680 that moment that person's like, I'm the problem. 01:08:41.840 --> 01:08:44.859 Let me just remove myself. Did you have any element 01:08:44.859 --> 01:08:48.340 of that voice whispering in your ear? So I didn't 01:08:48.340 --> 01:08:51.300 have it in a suicidal ideology of me taking my 01:08:51.300 --> 01:08:54.239 life. I never had those ideologies. I had it 01:08:54.239 --> 01:08:57.000 in the aspect I was chasing a dragon. I would 01:08:57.000 --> 01:09:01.079 put myself in scenarios where I wanted the most 01:09:01.079 --> 01:09:04.279 insane, chaotic scene. I wanted that active shooter. 01:09:04.600 --> 01:09:06.579 I wanted that and I wanted to be in the middle 01:09:06.579 --> 01:09:09.079 of it. I wanted to go out on my shield in the 01:09:09.079 --> 01:09:12.800 most insane shootout ever. I would get into situations 01:09:12.800 --> 01:09:20.640 that I would purposely put people. It wasn't 01:09:20.640 --> 01:09:23.340 out of any sort of legal activity I was doing, 01:09:23.420 --> 01:09:26.279 but I knew what potentially could happen, and 01:09:26.279 --> 01:09:29.140 I was going to make sure I was involved in that 01:09:29.140 --> 01:09:32.760 aspect. Foot chases, guys with guns, any sort 01:09:32.760 --> 01:09:35.899 of scenarios that could be the end of things, 01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:38.840 I would do it, and I would make sure that I was 01:09:38.840 --> 01:09:41.800 there. when it happened. And I knew I was doing 01:09:41.800 --> 01:09:44.020 it. 100 % knew I was doing it. I would set up 01:09:44.020 --> 01:09:46.279 on people just to make sure that, you know what, 01:09:46.359 --> 01:09:48.819 I'm going to push this as close as I can. Or 01:09:48.819 --> 01:09:51.060 if not as close as I can, let's get right in 01:09:51.060 --> 01:09:53.979 the middle of this dance right now. I mean, fortunately, 01:09:54.199 --> 01:09:57.479 it was a bigger purpose to me here because there 01:09:57.479 --> 01:09:59.619 were several scenarios that it could have happened. 01:09:59.680 --> 01:10:01.260 It definitely could have happened. And luckily, 01:10:01.359 --> 01:10:03.899 somebody was looking over me, put some wings 01:10:03.899 --> 01:10:08.760 over my back several of those times. But yeah. 01:10:09.130 --> 01:10:11.310 i that's the way i was going after i was hunting 01:10:11.310 --> 01:10:14.529 for that i wanted the super bowl i wanted to 01:10:14.529 --> 01:10:16.609 play in that game right there um and it's not 01:10:16.609 --> 01:10:19.390 a good game to play until you you might win once 01:10:19.390 --> 01:10:22.109 twice but your numbers dwindle down very fast 01:10:22.109 --> 01:10:26.029 when you're um chasing that dragon and that's 01:10:26.029 --> 01:10:28.350 literally what it was for me so in a sense yes 01:10:28.350 --> 01:10:31.329 that was what i was doing it's interesting someone 01:10:31.329 --> 01:10:34.069 this is probably a couple years ago now but they 01:10:34.069 --> 01:10:36.170 were talking about i think it was maybe one of 01:10:36.170 --> 01:10:39.270 the sas guys But they were talking about one 01:10:39.270 --> 01:10:43.590 of the heroes, the legendary heroes in their 01:10:43.590 --> 01:10:48.770 group that they work with. And they said this 01:10:48.770 --> 01:10:51.649 person would literally go off running towards 01:10:51.649 --> 01:10:54.470 gunfire and all that kind of thing. And he said, 01:10:54.510 --> 01:10:58.010 people thought that was heroism. But I think 01:10:58.010 --> 01:10:59.750 they knew the person. They were like, but it 01:10:59.750 --> 01:11:02.390 wasn't. They were in crisis. They didn't value 01:11:02.390 --> 01:11:04.649 their life anymore. So a lot of these stories 01:11:04.649 --> 01:11:07.350 of heroism that we hear. there's probably this 01:11:07.350 --> 01:11:09.829 exact conversation behind it because the reality 01:11:09.829 --> 01:11:11.890 is most people want to go home even if you're 01:11:11.890 --> 01:11:13.449 in war you still want to go home back to your 01:11:13.449 --> 01:11:17.310 kids so what you know what we kind of mistake 01:11:17.310 --> 01:11:20.569 i think sometimes for this just you know selfless 01:11:20.569 --> 01:11:23.229 courage with a clear mind is probably closer 01:11:23.229 --> 01:11:25.710 to what you're talking about kind of an abandonment 01:11:25.710 --> 01:11:28.329 for their own value of life and then well let 01:11:28.329 --> 01:11:32.050 me go out as a hero then right yeah it's like 01:11:32.050 --> 01:11:33.970 they say go out on your shield and you don't 01:11:33.970 --> 01:11:36.479 you don't think about it in the aspect of a clear 01:11:36.479 --> 01:11:37.939 mind because in a clear mind you think about 01:11:37.939 --> 01:11:39.539 it like if i do this i'm not going home to my 01:11:39.539 --> 01:11:41.840 kids you know my kids are going to have to sit 01:11:41.840 --> 01:11:43.560 there and go to a funeral i'm going to have friends 01:11:43.560 --> 01:11:46.460 family have to do things that they don't want 01:11:46.460 --> 01:11:49.859 to do you know and in a sense like i would a 01:11:49.859 --> 01:11:52.680 lot of times i call suicide selfish in a way 01:11:52.680 --> 01:11:55.180 um because you don't think about the people that 01:11:55.180 --> 01:11:57.100 have to be involved with everything people have 01:11:57.100 --> 01:11:59.239 to find your body people gonna have to go through 01:11:59.239 --> 01:12:01.659 the whole process of talking to your family and 01:12:01.659 --> 01:12:04.119 it might trigger traumas that they have you know 01:12:04.619 --> 01:12:08.159 um of loss on and so forth um but when you do 01:12:08.159 --> 01:12:10.520 like put it the way you just put it it's it's 01:12:10.520 --> 01:12:13.680 almost the same thing in a sense you know um 01:12:13.680 --> 01:12:15.539 you put yourself in that scenario you got yeah 01:12:15.539 --> 01:12:18.880 you'll have a hurrah and an applaud but technically 01:12:18.880 --> 01:12:22.539 you kind of just abandoned your family and everybody 01:12:22.539 --> 01:12:24.979 else by putting yourself in a situation now don't 01:12:24.979 --> 01:12:26.680 get me wrong there are situations sometimes that 01:12:26.680 --> 01:12:30.020 you know it's we have to go do what we have to 01:12:30.020 --> 01:12:33.380 go do active shooters it kind of sucks but There 01:12:33.380 --> 01:12:35.520 are days where it's like, all right, this may 01:12:35.520 --> 01:12:37.500 be it, but I have to go stop this guy. There's 01:12:37.500 --> 01:12:40.500 a bigger purpose to this when it comes to these 01:12:40.500 --> 01:12:43.000 things. But I can say there was a point where 01:12:43.000 --> 01:12:47.359 I was actively looking for that aspect of it. 01:12:47.560 --> 01:12:51.100 And like I said, luckily something went in my 01:12:51.100 --> 01:12:53.119 head and a voice was talking to me and said, 01:12:53.239 --> 01:12:55.979 that's enough. Like, you're done here. You know, 01:12:56.000 --> 01:12:57.579 I ignored it several times. I had it several 01:12:57.579 --> 01:13:00.739 times happen. I was like, yeah, I'm good. We 01:13:00.739 --> 01:13:02.920 don't need that. Nope, I'm good. The last one, 01:13:02.960 --> 01:13:05.319 I was like, no, that's it, man. I'm not good. 01:13:06.439 --> 01:13:08.319 You've done enough. Don't get me wrong. There's 01:13:08.319 --> 01:13:10.340 days where I look back sometimes and I miss the 01:13:10.340 --> 01:13:12.699 teams. I miss the team aspect of things. And 01:13:12.699 --> 01:13:15.420 that is another part, especially coming from 01:13:15.420 --> 01:13:18.279 this line of work and then the team aspect of 01:13:18.279 --> 01:13:20.539 things, SWAT, working with all the guys. And 01:13:20.539 --> 01:13:24.199 you'll hear a lot of guys that are on the teams 01:13:24.199 --> 01:13:26.840 in military that say the same thing. You just 01:13:26.840 --> 01:13:30.220 miss that camaraderie. You get into a regular 01:13:30.220 --> 01:13:33.119 civilian job and you're like. you guys do here 01:13:33.119 --> 01:13:35.600 like you know you get paid great you sit at a 01:13:35.600 --> 01:13:37.659 desk in the office but it's like some days i'm 01:13:37.659 --> 01:13:38.880 just looking around at the walls and i'm like 01:13:38.880 --> 01:13:43.020 okay uh what are we doing you know there's nobody 01:13:43.020 --> 01:13:46.600 there to talk to you but yeah i definitely i 01:13:46.600 --> 01:13:49.439 i do agree with you with your comments well even 01:13:49.439 --> 01:13:51.840 going back to the you know the selfish comment 01:13:51.840 --> 01:13:55.779 this is what was so revealing is again when you're 01:13:55.779 --> 01:13:58.609 on the outside looking in with a clear mind It 01:13:58.609 --> 01:14:00.649 makes no sense whatsoever. Of course, you're 01:14:00.649 --> 01:14:03.090 passing all that pain and trauma onto your children. 01:14:03.229 --> 01:14:06.649 And it's that next domino has fallen. But I think 01:14:06.649 --> 01:14:08.729 this is the aha moment that I had is when you 01:14:08.729 --> 01:14:10.470 listen to these people that were right there. 01:14:10.630 --> 01:14:13.270 And I had, you know, so many that were about 01:14:13.270 --> 01:14:15.270 to and something stopped them. And then quite 01:14:15.270 --> 01:14:16.930 a few that went through with it and they survived 01:14:16.930 --> 01:14:19.810 their attempt. And the moment that they jumped 01:14:19.810 --> 01:14:21.689 from the bridge, the moment they squeezed a trigger, 01:14:21.829 --> 01:14:24.630 there was this. immediate return to reality and 01:14:24.630 --> 01:14:27.310 regret, which is so sad because right before, 01:14:27.329 --> 01:14:29.930 you know, is when everything pulls back together 01:14:29.930 --> 01:14:33.909 again. But in this distorted reality that I said, 01:14:34.090 --> 01:14:37.430 these people really believe that the solution 01:14:37.430 --> 01:14:40.770 to their family's pain is to take their own life. 01:14:40.949 --> 01:14:43.789 So this is where this selfish, you know, selfish 01:14:43.789 --> 01:14:47.250 versus selfless act in that distorted mind. And 01:14:47.250 --> 01:14:51.220 I think it's a really powerful thing to. to hear 01:14:51.220 --> 01:14:52.939 from other people that are still here to tell 01:14:52.939 --> 01:14:57.020 us, because then I feel like it adds some compassion 01:14:57.020 --> 01:14:58.880 and empathy to the people that we've lost because 01:14:58.880 --> 01:15:01.140 they weren't being selfish. They weren't cowards. 01:15:01.159 --> 01:15:02.859 They weren't, well, screw my family. I'm out 01:15:02.859 --> 01:15:05.000 of here. It's the opposite. I'm going to save 01:15:05.000 --> 01:15:08.199 my family by removing myself. And it makes no 01:15:08.199 --> 01:15:10.819 sense. But then neither does coming back from 01:15:10.819 --> 01:15:14.039 combat or coming back from years in the fire 01:15:14.039 --> 01:15:17.180 service or law enforcement where you were every 01:15:17.180 --> 01:15:20.329 day actively trying not to die. and then dying 01:15:20.329 --> 01:15:23.109 by your own hands. So I think this is a really 01:15:23.109 --> 01:15:25.689 important point for people to hear is if you 01:15:25.689 --> 01:15:27.949 have that voice in your ear telling you that 01:15:27.949 --> 01:15:30.850 you are a burden, that you are the problem, that 01:15:30.850 --> 01:15:33.789 is a huge red flag to immediately start looking 01:15:33.789 --> 01:15:38.409 for someone to talk to. Yeah. There's that aspect 01:15:38.409 --> 01:15:40.029 of looking for somebody to talk to, but I think 01:15:40.029 --> 01:15:45.149 even as partners or friends or whoever we may 01:15:45.149 --> 01:15:47.649 be around, other individuals, is talking to people. 01:15:48.150 --> 01:15:49.930 sometimes people just want you to open up and 01:15:49.930 --> 01:15:51.390 say something like they're sitting there waiting 01:15:51.390 --> 01:15:54.810 for it. I want you to help me. They'll sit. There's 01:15:54.810 --> 01:15:58.189 so many signs that we ignore so many times that 01:15:58.189 --> 01:15:59.550 it's just like, Oh yeah, he's just being funny 01:15:59.550 --> 01:16:02.109 today. And that was the scream for help. You 01:16:02.109 --> 01:16:04.369 know? Yeah. I think we also have to recognize 01:16:04.369 --> 01:16:07.149 that like somebody will make a joke and then 01:16:07.149 --> 01:16:08.550 it's kind of like, Oh, that was an awkward joke, 01:16:08.630 --> 01:16:10.930 but whatever. That's that person. And that was 01:16:10.930 --> 01:16:12.630 his, his or her scream for help right there. 01:16:12.829 --> 01:16:14.770 And then something happens the next day or a 01:16:14.770 --> 01:16:16.430 week after whatever it may be. And then we recognize 01:16:16.430 --> 01:16:19.239 like, Oh shoot. I completely missed that one. 01:16:19.960 --> 01:16:23.739 So I think we also have to be cognizant of the 01:16:23.739 --> 01:16:27.659 fact that some people don't recognize it. Like 01:16:27.659 --> 01:16:29.680 myself, I didn't recognize this stuff. I didn't 01:16:29.680 --> 01:16:31.520 know what was going on. To me, I was strong, 01:16:31.619 --> 01:16:35.479 healthy, good to go. And there were several times 01:16:35.479 --> 01:16:36.720 I was crying out for help, and I didn't know 01:16:36.720 --> 01:16:40.079 I was crying out for help. But somebody recognized 01:16:40.079 --> 01:16:42.359 it. Fortunately, somebody recognized it. There 01:16:42.359 --> 01:16:44.000 was a higher power up there also recognizing 01:16:44.000 --> 01:16:48.390 it. I came across the right people, fortunately, 01:16:48.470 --> 01:16:50.789 that I could have that conversation with and 01:16:50.789 --> 01:16:52.810 feel safe having the conversation with. That's 01:16:52.810 --> 01:16:55.550 another big thing. We don't want to talk to regular 01:16:55.550 --> 01:16:58.810 people. I say regular as an individual that haven't 01:16:58.810 --> 01:17:01.189 been involved in these types of scenarios or 01:17:01.189 --> 01:17:04.909 open up or be vulnerable. We don't want to be 01:17:04.909 --> 01:17:08.210 that. We don't. It's not safe. We're all about 01:17:08.210 --> 01:17:11.949 being safe. So I think it's just understanding 01:17:11.949 --> 01:17:16.279 that, being able to. be that person, even if 01:17:16.279 --> 01:17:18.859 it's a total stranger. Like these days being 01:17:18.859 --> 01:17:23.520 involved with the 343 Fund, actually being an 01:17:23.520 --> 01:17:25.659 individual who's gone through this whole process. 01:17:26.020 --> 01:17:29.359 I have talked to so many people, James, in this 01:17:29.359 --> 01:17:33.779 past six months about my experience, just telling 01:17:33.779 --> 01:17:39.100 my story. And they're like, I needed that. Like, 01:17:39.119 --> 01:17:41.159 I really needed it. I'm talking about guys that 01:17:41.159 --> 01:17:44.659 have done some things that I'm like, dude. I'm 01:17:44.659 --> 01:17:46.180 just happy to be sitting here right now next 01:17:46.180 --> 01:17:49.659 to you. And then they're giving a hug afterwards, 01:17:49.739 --> 01:17:52.539 and it's just like, whoa, I didn't see that one. 01:17:52.680 --> 01:17:55.180 They're like, you have no idea how much I needed 01:17:55.180 --> 01:17:59.359 that. So it's just knowing that, recognizing 01:17:59.359 --> 01:18:01.239 that aspect of things, and then sometimes just 01:18:01.239 --> 01:18:03.260 sitting there, just shut up and listen. Some 01:18:03.260 --> 01:18:05.880 people just want to talk. That's another big 01:18:05.880 --> 01:18:08.300 thing, too. We have our egos. We want to tell 01:18:08.300 --> 01:18:09.859 our stories. We want to tell our war stories 01:18:09.859 --> 01:18:11.260 and everything we went through. But sometimes, 01:18:11.439 --> 01:18:14.560 let somebody talk to you, man. Let it out. That 01:18:14.560 --> 01:18:17.420 helps too. So that's a big part of what we were 01:18:17.420 --> 01:18:19.960 talking about just now, I think, is recognizing 01:18:19.960 --> 01:18:24.020 it and knowing that we are here to assist and 01:18:24.020 --> 01:18:27.260 help each other throughout this process and everything 01:18:27.260 --> 01:18:31.859 we do. One of the things that's also become very 01:18:31.859 --> 01:18:36.560 clear is, again, you've got that young man or 01:18:36.560 --> 01:18:40.600 woman. There's that void. They decide they want 01:18:40.600 --> 01:18:42.380 to become the protector. They put on the armor. 01:18:44.159 --> 01:18:46.520 slowly realize that they're falling into the 01:18:46.520 --> 01:18:49.640 identity and the the kind of uh example i use 01:18:49.640 --> 01:18:52.500 is the yin and the yang you know the uh you know 01:18:52.500 --> 01:18:55.180 we go in with equal part of of both initially 01:18:55.180 --> 01:18:58.220 and i would argue that is the case because i 01:18:58.220 --> 01:19:01.600 don't think most well let me rephrase that most 01:19:01.600 --> 01:19:03.439 people go into the first responder professions 01:19:03.439 --> 01:19:06.539 out of kindness compassion and empathy They want 01:19:06.539 --> 01:19:08.359 to be a protector. They want to make the world 01:19:08.359 --> 01:19:10.960 better. That's not a selfish trait. So it is 01:19:10.960 --> 01:19:13.859 very, very compassionate, but then we get in 01:19:13.859 --> 01:19:16.100 and then, you know, fast forward a few years 01:19:16.100 --> 01:19:18.479 of shift work and seeing horrible stuff. Now, 01:19:18.579 --> 01:19:21.000 all of a sudden you're a cop, you're a firefighter. 01:19:21.020 --> 01:19:24.720 So what I do is who I am. And you start to lose 01:19:24.720 --> 01:19:27.399 the, I always get these, I've talked about this 01:19:27.399 --> 01:19:28.899 for so long. I should remember it, but I think 01:19:28.899 --> 01:19:31.739 it's the, the Yan. So you, you basically become 01:19:31.739 --> 01:19:34.149 a white circle anyway. You lose that feminine 01:19:34.149 --> 01:19:37.430 gentle side. And this is exactly what you're 01:19:37.430 --> 01:19:39.170 talking about. Well, I'm not going to talk about 01:19:39.170 --> 01:19:41.310 it. Rub some dirt in it. Don't be a pussy. You 01:19:41.310 --> 01:19:43.270 know, McDonald's is hiring all this bullshit. 01:19:43.770 --> 01:19:46.210 And we forget to show ourselves the same exact 01:19:46.210 --> 01:19:48.310 compassion that we show the rest of the community 01:19:48.310 --> 01:19:50.890 by putting on a uniform when everyone else is 01:19:50.890 --> 01:19:53.770 sleeping safely in their beds. So then that's 01:19:53.770 --> 01:19:56.810 even more jarring when you transition out. And 01:19:56.810 --> 01:19:59.109 now, like you said, you're sitting there during 01:19:59.109 --> 01:20:01.890 COVID. I'm an operator, you know, and the reality 01:20:01.890 --> 01:20:04.329 is your identity is being stripped. You've lost 01:20:04.329 --> 01:20:06.409 your tribe. You've lost your sense of purpose, 01:20:06.590 --> 01:20:09.090 you know, and everything that you bought into 01:20:09.090 --> 01:20:12.010 by discarding that compassionate side is now 01:20:12.010 --> 01:20:13.550 being challenged. It's kind of like your five 01:20:13.550 --> 01:20:16.829 AMEO journey, you know, your ego. And so when 01:20:16.829 --> 01:20:19.630 we can actually acknowledge that we put that 01:20:19.630 --> 01:20:22.529 soft part back in. that's when you can be vulnerable 01:20:22.529 --> 01:20:24.729 and that's what opens the door to everyone else 01:20:24.729 --> 01:20:26.390 because we look around a team room you look around 01:20:26.390 --> 01:20:28.869 a fire station everyone else seems to be doing 01:20:28.869 --> 01:20:30.869 just fine you're the one that's struggling you're 01:20:30.869 --> 01:20:33.430 the one that's weak but that's they're all wearing 01:20:33.430 --> 01:20:35.770 a mask too if you look across in the other climb 01:20:35.770 --> 01:20:38.430 inside their brain you see the same thing but 01:20:38.430 --> 01:20:41.010 by i've realized that by this vulnerability by 01:20:41.010 --> 01:20:43.920 this courageous storytelling Opening a conversation 01:20:43.920 --> 01:20:46.220 by saying, let me tell you about some of the 01:20:46.220 --> 01:20:48.680 things that I had to work through, some of the 01:20:48.680 --> 01:20:50.899 struggles I've had, some of the solutions I've 01:20:50.899 --> 01:20:54.260 found. I haven't had a person yet that's had 01:20:54.260 --> 01:20:57.140 anything other than that being received by people 01:20:57.140 --> 01:20:59.979 saying, actually, I've been going through some 01:20:59.979 --> 01:21:03.899 stuff myself. So that is courage. That is masculinity. 01:21:04.159 --> 01:21:07.560 Not the Robocop, Stallone, Schwarzenegger bullshit 01:21:07.560 --> 01:21:10.479 that we were raised on. but a man that absolutely 01:21:10.479 --> 01:21:12.939 will run towards gunfire into a burning building 01:21:12.939 --> 01:21:16.500 or a woman if needed. But then after being able 01:21:16.500 --> 01:21:19.520 to sit down with that child and just talk to 01:21:19.520 --> 01:21:21.560 them, you know, to stop them crying, you know 01:21:21.560 --> 01:21:23.319 what I mean? That is who we actually are. And 01:21:23.319 --> 01:21:25.479 it's the same with this mental health conversation. 01:21:25.600 --> 01:21:29.699 If you cannot be vulnerable yourself, then you, 01:21:29.739 --> 01:21:31.840 that means you're not courageous. It takes courage 01:21:31.840 --> 01:21:34.279 to be vulnerable. I think that's the important 01:21:34.279 --> 01:21:37.810 conversation. And it's scary. It's scary. Scary 01:21:37.810 --> 01:21:39.670 as hell, man. That's the craziest thing about 01:21:39.670 --> 01:21:41.569 it. We're not scared to run into a building that's 01:21:41.569 --> 01:21:44.090 burning down or gunshots coming at us. We're 01:21:44.090 --> 01:21:45.949 good. You know, but as soon as you want to open 01:21:45.949 --> 01:21:48.590 that door, I'm good. Yeah. No, no, thank you. 01:21:48.829 --> 01:21:51.029 There's no need to go in there. And honestly, 01:21:51.170 --> 01:21:53.409 that was what my five MEO was. It was opening 01:21:53.409 --> 01:21:55.470 that door and walking into that building. It 01:21:55.470 --> 01:21:57.090 was the scariest thing I ever dealt with in my 01:21:57.090 --> 01:22:00.789 life. You know, um, and then you hit the nail 01:22:00.789 --> 01:22:05.489 on the head with that. It's just, we, my journey 01:22:05.489 --> 01:22:08.109 gave it to me. We're gentle, you know, be gentle. 01:22:08.229 --> 01:22:10.630 That's what it was. And then we also made a point 01:22:10.630 --> 01:22:13.369 just now was talking to that kid. That kid is 01:22:13.369 --> 01:22:15.149 that little kid inside of us that, you know, 01:22:15.149 --> 01:22:16.770 got neglected for whatever reason that we forgot 01:22:16.770 --> 01:22:19.750 about. We buried away because we got to be these 01:22:19.750 --> 01:22:22.189 hard individuals. And, you know, we can't have 01:22:22.189 --> 01:22:24.850 fun, you know, rah, rah, rah, and go get them. 01:22:24.909 --> 01:22:27.869 You know, I think that's why as first responders, 01:22:27.949 --> 01:22:31.989 we have such weird sense of humor. Certain text 01:22:31.989 --> 01:22:36.100 message threads are going to get deleted. that's 01:22:36.100 --> 01:22:38.239 why i think we're like that we we're fighting 01:22:38.239 --> 01:22:41.239 it so much but it's finding its way out you know 01:22:41.239 --> 01:22:44.000 but it is scary as hell to be vulnerable and 01:22:44.000 --> 01:22:46.159 how open up and have those conversations and 01:22:46.159 --> 01:22:48.260 all we want is somebody put that hand out and 01:22:48.260 --> 01:22:51.140 be like come on it's okay like we're here you 01:22:51.140 --> 01:22:52.779 know you're not the only one fighting over there 01:22:52.779 --> 01:22:55.539 we're all doing the same thing um and it's again 01:22:55.539 --> 01:22:57.239 then you get right back into that sense of tribe 01:22:57.239 --> 01:22:59.539 and it's like okay this is comfortable here we're 01:22:59.539 --> 01:23:01.899 good you know i'm sitting there going through 01:23:01.899 --> 01:23:03.859 my journey with a bunch of soft guys guys have 01:23:03.859 --> 01:23:06.579 done some wild things in this world where you 01:23:06.579 --> 01:23:10.300 sit there with like uh marx capone or dj shipley 01:23:10.300 --> 01:23:12.239 and like dude you guys like the epitome of bad 01:23:12.239 --> 01:23:14.720 asses and you're telling me you were sitting 01:23:14.720 --> 01:23:16.300 on the back of a truck about to eat your gun 01:23:16.300 --> 01:23:19.000 i thought you had the life dude you know i thought 01:23:19.000 --> 01:23:23.199 you had it made and clearly it was a different 01:23:23.199 --> 01:23:26.560 mindset over there you know um and just understanding 01:23:26.560 --> 01:23:29.560 like strong guys like that they have the same 01:23:29.560 --> 01:23:32.260 thing going on you know the same exact thing 01:23:32.260 --> 01:23:35.489 and these guys were trained And they have some 01:23:35.489 --> 01:23:38.109 different types of training to deal with this 01:23:38.109 --> 01:23:41.350 stuff. And even that can't hold it away. So in 01:23:41.350 --> 01:23:44.869 our human nature, the way we're created as humans, 01:23:45.029 --> 01:23:47.989 you have to let it out. You have to. We can fight 01:23:47.989 --> 01:23:49.529 all we want. It's going to find its way out. 01:23:50.229 --> 01:23:53.069 So might as well be in a great manner like this, 01:23:53.090 --> 01:23:55.390 have these conversations, talk, let people know 01:23:55.390 --> 01:23:56.989 what you're feeling, talk to your family once 01:23:56.989 --> 01:23:59.069 it is, and then also integrate in the family, 01:23:59.189 --> 01:24:01.859 getting them involved. is another huge part of 01:24:01.859 --> 01:24:03.979 this whole process. Because we talk about ourselves 01:24:03.979 --> 01:24:07.880 and getting ourselves better, but they're going 01:24:07.880 --> 01:24:09.859 through it too. Everything you're doing, they're 01:24:09.859 --> 01:24:13.520 going through it. So I think that's definitely 01:24:13.520 --> 01:24:15.560 a huge part with the integration. And again, 01:24:15.680 --> 01:24:19.859 I preface 343 and what we're doing there is involving 01:24:19.859 --> 01:24:21.840 the family, explaining to them what's going on, 01:24:21.979 --> 01:24:25.750 having integration processes with them. having 01:24:25.750 --> 01:24:29.010 them understand what we do before, what's going 01:24:29.010 --> 01:24:30.550 on during, because obviously everybody wants 01:24:30.550 --> 01:24:32.529 to know what's going on out there in Mexico when 01:24:32.529 --> 01:24:35.229 we go do what we do, and then coming back. Even 01:24:35.229 --> 01:24:36.930 the family members going out there to do that. 01:24:37.029 --> 01:24:39.989 I've had several stories where guys have brought 01:24:39.989 --> 01:24:43.270 their wives out there, kids, fathers, mothers, 01:24:43.409 --> 01:24:46.949 to get through the same process because, honestly, 01:24:47.149 --> 01:24:50.170 the traumas that we have started somewhere, so 01:24:50.170 --> 01:24:51.729 you might as well start digging where it started. 01:24:52.390 --> 01:24:54.510 Fathers, mothers, things like that, you know? 01:24:54.990 --> 01:24:56.949 And then having those conversations afterwards 01:24:56.949 --> 01:24:59.449 and opening up, being vulnerable, explaining 01:24:59.449 --> 01:25:04.029 things, feelings, so on and so forth. But yeah, 01:25:04.149 --> 01:25:05.609 I mean, you're hitting a nail on the head with 01:25:05.609 --> 01:25:08.289 a lot of this stuff. Just reminded me, I had 01:25:08.289 --> 01:25:11.329 a seal on Zach Ferguson probably about almost 01:25:11.329 --> 01:25:16.029 a year ago now. And he had addiction in his family 01:25:16.029 --> 01:25:19.350 and he ended up going through, I think it was 01:25:19.350 --> 01:25:21.970 either Ibogaine or Ayahuasca, I forget. Went 01:25:21.970 --> 01:25:23.829 on this healing journey and then ended up getting 01:25:23.829 --> 01:25:26.670 his father, who was drowning in addiction at 01:25:26.670 --> 01:25:28.949 the time, and got him through the program, just 01:25:28.949 --> 01:25:31.130 like you said, a family member. And now he's 01:25:31.130 --> 01:25:34.289 been doing incredibly well. So seeing the state 01:25:34.289 --> 01:25:37.430 of Texas starting to move forward towards legalizing, 01:25:37.609 --> 01:25:39.270 I mean, it's incredible. And I think this is 01:25:39.270 --> 01:25:43.029 what's so interesting with this conversation. 01:25:43.189 --> 01:25:46.729 When I started the podcast, I think it was a 01:25:46.729 --> 01:25:49.250 year or two into it, my mom, who'd moved to Portugal 01:25:49.250 --> 01:25:51.659 years before. had said, did you know what they 01:25:51.659 --> 01:25:54.739 were doing as far as addiction in Portugal? And 01:25:54.739 --> 01:25:57.239 I was like, no, I have no idea. So very long 01:25:57.239 --> 01:26:00.600 story short, they went from the American model, 01:26:00.760 --> 01:26:03.000 you know, the war on drugs, arrest them all. 01:26:03.779 --> 01:26:05.439 And they were like, look, this isn't working. 01:26:05.579 --> 01:26:07.140 And they had a really bad addiction problem in 01:26:07.140 --> 01:26:09.800 the country after one of the Portuguese colonies 01:26:09.800 --> 01:26:11.560 was at war and a lot of their soldiers were over 01:26:11.560 --> 01:26:15.130 there fighting. um and so they're a very democratic 01:26:15.130 --> 01:26:17.789 nation like truly democratic like their vote 01:26:17.789 --> 01:26:23.729 actually um and uh and so they put it to the 01:26:23.729 --> 01:26:25.310 country like look we're thinking of it doing 01:26:25.310 --> 01:26:27.609 it differently we're going to decriminalize addiction 01:26:27.609 --> 01:26:29.710 now we're still going to chase smugglers we're 01:26:29.710 --> 01:26:32.909 still going to chase the dealers but we're stop 01:26:32.909 --> 01:26:35.640 we're going to not lock up addicts anymore. If 01:26:35.640 --> 01:26:38.399 you have a user's amount, we're going to take 01:26:38.399 --> 01:26:40.359 all that money from the war on drugs and we put 01:26:40.359 --> 01:26:43.319 it into job creation, addiction counseling, mental 01:26:43.319 --> 01:26:46.579 health counseling, housing. And in less than 01:26:46.579 --> 01:26:49.420 10 years, they went from one of the highest addiction 01:26:49.420 --> 01:26:52.159 rates in, I never remember if it's Europe or 01:26:52.159 --> 01:26:55.140 the world, but to the lowest in less than 10 01:26:55.140 --> 01:26:58.000 years. And so that was really the first thing 01:26:58.000 --> 01:27:01.039 that kind of got me realizing that prohibition 01:27:01.039 --> 01:27:04.619 was a complete... Because when I take a step 01:27:04.619 --> 01:27:06.380 back and think about everything that I saw as 01:27:06.380 --> 01:27:08.600 a paramedic and a firefighter, you know, the 01:27:08.600 --> 01:27:11.359 sex work, the homelessness, the overdoses, the 01:27:11.359 --> 01:27:14.260 gang membership, they all went back to drugs. 01:27:14.760 --> 01:27:18.119 to illicit drugs, illegal drugs. So we drove 01:27:18.119 --> 01:27:20.359 our addicts into the hands of the underworld. 01:27:20.479 --> 01:27:23.479 Then you now extrapolate to the problems in Colombia 01:27:23.479 --> 01:27:26.500 and Mexico and immigration issues are still all 01:27:26.500 --> 01:27:30.520 tied in. So you came from this world of law enforcement. 01:27:30.680 --> 01:27:33.319 You've had this powerful experience with the 01:27:33.319 --> 01:27:36.680 very drugs that were demonized by our prohibition. 01:27:36.979 --> 01:27:44.990 Talk to me about your philosophy on... reframing 01:27:44.990 --> 01:27:49.890 what is illegal in that world. And then if you 01:27:49.890 --> 01:27:52.149 were king for a day, what would the system look 01:27:52.149 --> 01:27:56.109 like? Honestly, I kind of have to piggyback off 01:27:56.109 --> 01:27:57.609 what you just said, kind of what they're doing 01:27:57.609 --> 01:27:59.850 in Portugal in reference to the things, because 01:27:59.850 --> 01:28:01.949 you hit the nail on the head again. I keep using 01:28:01.949 --> 01:28:04.869 that phrase, but we're locking up these people. 01:28:04.949 --> 01:28:07.229 They don't have any other solution, but they 01:28:07.229 --> 01:28:08.750 come out and keep doing the same exact thing. 01:28:08.810 --> 01:28:11.409 And then we're just feeding the cycle. It's just 01:28:11.409 --> 01:28:14.630 a cycle we keep feeding or we take them off one 01:28:14.630 --> 01:28:16.390 thing and put them on something even stronger. 01:28:16.670 --> 01:28:18.109 And now they're hooked to that. And then the 01:28:18.109 --> 01:28:21.409 cycles keep going and going and going. So, yeah, 01:28:21.470 --> 01:28:29.250 we have to create some sort of. I don't know 01:28:29.250 --> 01:28:31.449 how to put this without sounding too political. 01:28:31.569 --> 01:28:33.689 I hate getting political about this, but there 01:28:33.689 --> 01:28:37.619 has to be some sort of path for them. To work 01:28:37.619 --> 01:28:39.439 through the process, and obviously everybody's 01:28:39.439 --> 01:28:40.439 not going to work through it. It's not going 01:28:40.439 --> 01:28:41.640 to be a success for everybody. We understand 01:28:41.640 --> 01:28:45.680 that. But the housing aspect, I get it. But there's 01:28:45.680 --> 01:28:48.340 got to be stipulations to all this. Because as 01:28:48.340 --> 01:28:51.020 we saw in the Bay Area and California, they gave 01:28:51.020 --> 01:28:52.819 them housing. They gave them money. But they 01:28:52.819 --> 01:28:54.939 also gave them drugs and ways to do it clean. 01:28:55.359 --> 01:28:57.680 And we saw what that did. That just melted into 01:28:57.680 --> 01:29:01.180 a whole mess out there. There's got to be consequences, 01:29:01.260 --> 01:29:03.659 too. If you fall out of the program, I'm good 01:29:03.659 --> 01:29:06.489 with putting the program together. charging people 01:29:06.489 --> 01:29:08.010 with felonies for this type of stuff. Because 01:29:08.010 --> 01:29:11.109 a lot of it comes from mental illness and traumas 01:29:11.109 --> 01:29:13.590 and things like that. And a lot of they can't 01:29:13.590 --> 01:29:16.210 help. They really can't help. It is not people's 01:29:16.210 --> 01:29:18.789 fault. 99 % of people in this world are good 01:29:18.789 --> 01:29:21.029 people. We just do stupid things. Or we have 01:29:21.029 --> 01:29:22.810 traumas or we have mental health issues. That's 01:29:22.810 --> 01:29:25.369 what it is. There's 1 % that yes, we need to 01:29:25.369 --> 01:29:27.909 deal with them in a certain way. But I agree 01:29:27.909 --> 01:29:32.029 with you in reference to, especially with Ibogaine 01:29:32.029 --> 01:29:34.810 being what it is and what it can do. I think 01:29:34.810 --> 01:29:38.970 that'll be a pivotal moment in getting some of 01:29:38.970 --> 01:29:43.529 these addictions and traumas, the mental health 01:29:43.529 --> 01:29:48.710 scenarios, into somewhat of a check with implementing 01:29:48.710 --> 01:29:52.909 these type of medications. Now, it's going to 01:29:52.909 --> 01:29:55.050 get political in a second here. If big pharma 01:29:55.050 --> 01:29:56.529 keeps getting involved, then, yeah, it's going 01:29:56.529 --> 01:29:59.069 to be hard. It's going to be hard to do it because 01:29:59.069 --> 01:30:01.109 what do we find with a lot of these SSRIs? I 01:30:01.109 --> 01:30:03.340 mean, people are getting hooked. on these it's 01:30:03.340 --> 01:30:05.300 impossible to get off this stuff and they don't 01:30:05.300 --> 01:30:08.680 work the efficacy is like almost 50 50 if it's 01:30:08.680 --> 01:30:11.539 even gonna work yeah and on top of that once 01:30:11.539 --> 01:30:13.479 they're on it they're on it you know and then 01:30:13.479 --> 01:30:14.819 they need something stronger and they need something 01:30:14.819 --> 01:30:16.060 stronger and they need something strong while 01:30:16.060 --> 01:30:17.399 they're doing that they're tearing up everything 01:30:17.399 --> 01:30:18.880 inside their body so they need something else 01:30:18.880 --> 01:30:21.260 to do that and before you know it they're gone 01:30:21.260 --> 01:30:23.039 anyway you know because they can't deal with 01:30:23.039 --> 01:30:26.460 anything else um so i think that's kind of in 01:30:26.460 --> 01:30:29.159 short how it has to be implemented is that we've 01:30:29.159 --> 01:30:32.819 got to get a program that is going to Give a 01:30:32.819 --> 01:30:35.720 new strategy outside of Big Pharma, and I get 01:30:35.720 --> 01:30:37.979 there are some things that we need when it comes 01:30:37.979 --> 01:30:41.899 to certain situations, and we have to hold people 01:30:41.899 --> 01:30:44.979 to the fire. A lot of these things, it's like, 01:30:45.039 --> 01:30:47.479 oh, you didn't do it? No, too bad. But you've 01:30:47.479 --> 01:30:49.819 got to hold people to the fire. You've got to 01:30:49.819 --> 01:30:54.239 push them in a manner that they know they have 01:30:54.239 --> 01:30:57.380 to get better. They have the outlet to do so. 01:30:58.100 --> 01:31:01.579 Integration is huge. That is a big part of it. 01:31:01.800 --> 01:31:03.300 is the buildup to it because we're throwing people 01:31:03.300 --> 01:31:04.619 into these programs. They're like, Oh, okay. 01:31:04.659 --> 01:31:06.739 Yeah, cool. This is it. Check, check, check. 01:31:06.800 --> 01:31:08.899 We're done. Bye. See you later. All right. Anybody 01:31:08.899 --> 01:31:10.340 follow up with this person though? Oh, they're 01:31:10.340 --> 01:31:11.699 back on it. Amazing. They didn't know that was 01:31:11.699 --> 01:31:15.100 going to happen, you know? And that's huge. And 01:31:15.100 --> 01:31:18.180 that's foundations like the three, four, three 01:31:18.180 --> 01:31:21.739 foundation. They are pivotal in creating this 01:31:21.739 --> 01:31:24.000 structure for exactly what we're talking about. 01:31:24.960 --> 01:31:27.100 Having integration, going through the process, 01:31:27.199 --> 01:31:30.359 the checkups. The breath work, all the little 01:31:30.359 --> 01:31:33.359 parts that have to be implemented, and for many 01:31:33.359 --> 01:31:35.680 different scenarios. An alcoholic is not going 01:31:35.680 --> 01:31:39.899 to be somebody that's hooked on SSRIs. TBI is 01:31:39.899 --> 01:31:41.699 not going to be the same as an alcoholic. Somebody 01:31:41.699 --> 01:31:44.739 has PTSD. It's all different understanding. There 01:31:44.739 --> 01:31:48.239 are different cases with each scenario that's 01:31:48.239 --> 01:31:51.819 playing out, whatever it may be. So I think that 01:31:51.819 --> 01:31:54.720 all has to play into it. Age groups, that plays 01:31:54.720 --> 01:31:56.279 into it. You're dealing with different people. 01:31:56.420 --> 01:31:59.300 There's just so many factors. um that come with 01:31:59.300 --> 01:32:02.439 it so i would have to implement all that i'm 01:32:02.439 --> 01:32:04.840 cutting it short i'm not giving you the direct 01:32:04.840 --> 01:32:07.699 answer if i was the king but i put people together 01:32:07.699 --> 01:32:10.619 to get a system in place of integration it's 01:32:10.619 --> 01:32:12.060 going to take a lot of work to get that done 01:32:12.060 --> 01:32:15.220 holding people accountable for being there and 01:32:15.220 --> 01:32:18.699 then um it's the the post aspect of it too i 01:32:18.699 --> 01:32:20.319 think that's probably the hardest part is the 01:32:20.319 --> 01:32:22.699 post it's staying with the steps that are going 01:32:22.699 --> 01:32:25.840 to keep you on the right path um when you're 01:32:25.840 --> 01:32:27.579 going through that whole process so i think that 01:32:27.579 --> 01:32:30.520 would definitely help out well it's funny how 01:32:30.520 --> 01:32:32.399 many times people say to me oh i don't want to 01:32:32.399 --> 01:32:35.600 talk politics but and it made me realize how 01:32:35.600 --> 01:32:40.739 uh how all the things that we should be talking 01:32:40.739 --> 01:32:43.420 about have late been labeled politics so we don't 01:32:43.420 --> 01:32:45.399 talk about them because the health of the nation 01:32:45.399 --> 01:32:47.680 isn't politics that's that's just things that 01:32:47.680 --> 01:32:50.539 need to be spoken about and if you uh if again 01:32:50.539 --> 01:32:52.000 if you're going back to portugal's model for 01:32:52.000 --> 01:32:55.050 a second First, you look at the irony of the 01:32:55.050 --> 01:32:57.329 warfires that you're in that treatment with. 01:32:57.449 --> 01:32:59.770 They had to go overseas to get the treatment 01:32:59.770 --> 01:33:02.649 for what they did for America. So there's a there's 01:33:02.649 --> 01:33:06.029 a jarring irony right there. But what they did 01:33:06.029 --> 01:33:08.149 rather than even force. So in Portugal, if you 01:33:08.149 --> 01:33:11.170 get detained, you know, and they find you've 01:33:11.170 --> 01:33:13.470 got a user's amount, you go for an interview. 01:33:13.810 --> 01:33:16.210 It's not, you know, an arrest interview. It's 01:33:16.210 --> 01:33:18.529 actually like an educational conversation where 01:33:18.529 --> 01:33:21.149 they talk to you about all the resources that 01:33:21.149 --> 01:33:23.569 are available. Because if you think about it, 01:33:23.630 --> 01:33:25.869 if you, as you said, arrested and now you've 01:33:25.869 --> 01:33:27.789 got a criminal record, what's the chances then 01:33:27.789 --> 01:33:29.750 of you being able to get employment and housing, 01:33:29.909 --> 01:33:32.250 et cetera, et cetera? They've done the opposite. 01:33:32.489 --> 01:33:36.750 They have incentives to employers to hire these 01:33:36.750 --> 01:33:39.829 recovering addicts. So they create an environment 01:33:39.829 --> 01:33:44.470 that most people then come out of the darkness 01:33:44.470 --> 01:33:46.189 and say, I want to get help. Because like you 01:33:46.189 --> 01:33:47.930 said, most people are good people that are just 01:33:47.930 --> 01:33:50.390 struggling. There's these anomalies who they... 01:33:50.750 --> 01:33:53.029 are never going to be able to save and it's heartbreaking 01:33:53.029 --> 01:33:56.130 but you have to acknowledge that because in america 01:33:56.130 --> 01:33:57.750 what we do is you point to those anomalies and 01:33:57.750 --> 01:34:00.130 say see it doesn't work rather than looking at 01:34:00.130 --> 01:34:02.770 all the good that we do we've all seen the people 01:34:02.770 --> 01:34:05.010 that abuse you know government handouts for example 01:34:05.010 --> 01:34:06.829 you know there's an escalator on the front driveway 01:34:06.829 --> 01:34:09.970 and the kids are in rags inside but how many 01:34:09.970 --> 01:34:11.989 people the food stamps put back on their feet 01:34:11.989 --> 01:34:14.829 that are now working and you know back to normal 01:34:14.829 --> 01:34:17.310 again. So I think this is what's interesting 01:34:17.310 --> 01:34:19.529 is if you create an environment, it will make 01:34:19.529 --> 01:34:22.449 a huge dent in this. It's the same with food. 01:34:22.649 --> 01:34:27.489 If we had real food being served in schools and 01:34:27.489 --> 01:34:29.949 we put PE programs in and we said, no kids, you 01:34:29.949 --> 01:34:31.689 can't have your phones while you're at school. 01:34:32.380 --> 01:34:34.539 So imagine the impact that would have on our 01:34:34.539 --> 01:34:37.600 childhood obesity and mental health. So you can 01:34:37.600 --> 01:34:39.720 change the environment without having to like 01:34:39.720 --> 01:34:42.180 force with an iron fist. And then, yeah, of course, 01:34:42.180 --> 01:34:44.819 if you've got people committing crimes because 01:34:44.819 --> 01:34:47.020 of their addiction, then yeah, that still has 01:34:47.020 --> 01:34:50.100 to be handled by the law enforcement side. Right. 01:34:50.180 --> 01:34:51.619 I agree with you. I fully agree with you with 01:34:51.619 --> 01:34:54.960 that. And you made a great point with the foods 01:34:54.960 --> 01:34:57.420 and the screen time also. That's definitely a 01:34:57.420 --> 01:35:00.539 big thing. But yeah, we've got to do something. 01:35:00.640 --> 01:35:02.939 We've got to change. i think we're on the right 01:35:02.939 --> 01:35:05.359 we're on the right path people are understanding 01:35:05.359 --> 01:35:07.699 and seeing it and yeah we do have the conversation 01:35:07.699 --> 01:35:10.220 about being political but i think at this point 01:35:10.220 --> 01:35:13.000 in our lives people kind of have the blinders 01:35:13.000 --> 01:35:15.380 off now and there's enough out there to see like 01:35:15.380 --> 01:35:19.100 okay it's not just red or blue anymore like oh 01:35:19.100 --> 01:35:23.579 that jenga tower is falling oh yeah it's it's 01:35:23.579 --> 01:35:26.260 yes it's definitely coming down and i think people 01:35:26.260 --> 01:35:27.779 are realizing like we've got to come together 01:35:27.779 --> 01:35:30.220 on this indifferent or not like there used to 01:35:30.220 --> 01:35:32.380 be a point in life where we could You could be 01:35:32.380 --> 01:35:34.180 red, I could be blue, and we could disagree on 01:35:34.180 --> 01:35:35.979 something and still go out to dinner, have a 01:35:35.979 --> 01:35:39.659 great time, and have a common endgame on what 01:35:39.659 --> 01:35:41.760 we want to happen here and all be good things. 01:35:42.359 --> 01:35:44.420 So I think we're slowly but surely getting back 01:35:44.420 --> 01:35:48.279 to that. And with this aspect being bought into 01:35:48.279 --> 01:35:52.380 it, I think that with mental health and assisting 01:35:52.380 --> 01:35:55.199 individuals, because mental health issues, TBI, 01:35:55.420 --> 01:35:58.060 addiction, doesn't see red or blue. It really 01:35:58.060 --> 01:36:00.699 doesn't. You're going in. You're going in. You 01:36:00.699 --> 01:36:02.500 know, they don't care if you're a Democrat or 01:36:02.500 --> 01:36:05.060 Republican or conservative or whatever it may 01:36:05.060 --> 01:36:09.340 be these days. And take away from a lot of these 01:36:09.340 --> 01:36:10.640 other things that happen, which I'm not going 01:36:10.640 --> 01:36:14.039 to get into due to mental health. But it's a 01:36:14.039 --> 01:36:16.600 big thing. It's a big thing. And I think we're 01:36:16.600 --> 01:36:19.020 taking the right steps and we have the right 01:36:19.020 --> 01:36:21.619 individuals that are leading the way with individuals 01:36:21.619 --> 01:36:24.939 like Brian Hubbard and Governor Perry out in 01:36:24.939 --> 01:36:27.279 Texas and Texas being, I mean. the forefront 01:36:27.279 --> 01:36:29.659 for this thing. Arizona is jumping on board now. 01:36:30.140 --> 01:36:32.680 And I think a lot more people are definitely 01:36:32.680 --> 01:36:35.979 going to start coming out and talking about what 01:36:35.979 --> 01:36:39.979 Ibogaine is, what the possibilities are out there 01:36:39.979 --> 01:36:42.060 with it. And I even had a conversation with one 01:36:42.060 --> 01:36:46.399 of my ex -co -workers the other day. And he was 01:36:46.399 --> 01:36:49.399 a vet. And I had no idea. He went and he had 01:36:49.399 --> 01:36:53.140 gotten some psychedelic treatment done. And when 01:36:53.140 --> 01:36:54.779 we talked about this and he told me this, I was 01:36:54.779 --> 01:36:56.399 like, when were you going to say something about 01:36:56.399 --> 01:36:58.199 this stuff? And that's the other thing. People 01:36:58.199 --> 01:37:00.659 out there, I'm like, I had no idea that you knew 01:37:00.659 --> 01:37:03.199 about this. And completely on board. It was like, 01:37:03.260 --> 01:37:05.300 whatever we need to do to get you out here to 01:37:05.300 --> 01:37:06.680 start having a conversation with some of the 01:37:06.680 --> 01:37:10.779 right people, I'm on board. So it's just like 01:37:10.779 --> 01:37:13.100 once we open up this conversation, this door, 01:37:13.180 --> 01:37:15.579 which it's opening up here in the U .S. and it's 01:37:15.579 --> 01:37:17.539 getting domestic because obviously we can't do 01:37:17.539 --> 01:37:22.800 this stuff in the United States yet. I think 01:37:22.800 --> 01:37:24.739 a lot more people are going to buy into it than 01:37:24.739 --> 01:37:29.260 some people think. Again, I had that thought 01:37:29.260 --> 01:37:31.500 process in my head. Like, Ibogaine's like, not 01:37:31.500 --> 01:37:35.779 become this tree hugger, like kumbaya. I was 01:37:35.779 --> 01:37:37.159 scared that was going to happen to me. I was 01:37:37.159 --> 01:37:39.779 scared that I was going to go from the individual 01:37:39.779 --> 01:37:42.100 I am, I was going to lose all my skill sets, 01:37:42.159 --> 01:37:43.640 and I was just going to become like, oh, peace, 01:37:43.699 --> 01:37:47.300 love, dude, like Woodstock, you know? And that's 01:37:47.300 --> 01:37:50.439 not the case, people, when it comes to it. But, 01:37:50.520 --> 01:37:55.119 yeah, it's... It is time for us to put this out 01:37:55.119 --> 01:38:00.180 there, have these conversations, know that it 01:38:00.180 --> 01:38:03.039 is not frowned upon anymore. Everybody needs 01:38:03.039 --> 01:38:06.220 help in this. Everybody's suffering from something. 01:38:07.000 --> 01:38:09.479 We may be smiling on the outside a lot of times, 01:38:09.500 --> 01:38:11.539 but there's some things going on in everybody. 01:38:12.100 --> 01:38:14.720 And when it comes to the first responders, and 01:38:14.720 --> 01:38:17.579 that gets firefighters, police, paramedics, everybody. 01:38:17.939 --> 01:38:21.210 We've worked together. You know this. Like we're 01:38:21.210 --> 01:38:23.369 all dealing with the same things. You might not 01:38:23.369 --> 01:38:24.930 go out and shoot somebody, but guess what? You 01:38:24.930 --> 01:38:26.470 got to go pick them up for me after they're done. 01:38:26.850 --> 01:38:28.989 And then I might not have to go pick them up, 01:38:28.989 --> 01:38:30.470 but then you got to hand them off to the paramedics 01:38:30.470 --> 01:38:33.289 who's got to plug different holes. And anybody 01:38:33.289 --> 01:38:35.090 that's never done that before in people, it's 01:38:35.090 --> 01:38:36.930 like it's a whole different experience in life 01:38:36.930 --> 01:38:38.170 when you're doing stuff like that, you know? 01:38:39.369 --> 01:38:42.090 So I think we just all have to come together 01:38:42.090 --> 01:38:44.750 when it comes to this. And everybody could do 01:38:44.750 --> 01:38:49.449 their part in this. It's not just having to experience 01:38:49.449 --> 01:38:52.130 Ibogaine. There are other factors that play into 01:38:52.130 --> 01:38:55.050 this. With a foundation like the Casey Scoot 01:38:55.050 --> 01:38:57.329 and the 343 Foundation, there's assistance needed 01:38:57.329 --> 01:38:58.869 with this type of stuff. We've got some events 01:38:58.869 --> 01:39:01.909 coming up that we're raising some money for these 01:39:01.909 --> 01:39:03.449 first responders because everybody can't afford 01:39:03.449 --> 01:39:06.130 this. I mean, you know, some first responder 01:39:06.130 --> 01:39:08.510 salaries aren't the greatest salaries. We do 01:39:08.510 --> 01:39:09.869 some of the greatest work, and they're definitely 01:39:09.869 --> 01:39:13.710 handed some of the most insane hats to wear throughout 01:39:13.710 --> 01:39:17.079 their career, and don't get paid for it. They 01:39:17.079 --> 01:39:18.859 need assistance financially through some of this 01:39:18.859 --> 01:39:21.000 stuff. So with our foundation, we're doing a 01:39:21.000 --> 01:39:25.159 couple of fundraisers. One's going to be in Chicago. 01:39:26.100 --> 01:39:27.800 We're teaming up with vets. It's going to be 01:39:27.800 --> 01:39:31.079 October 17th in Chicago at the Trump Plaza. We're 01:39:31.079 --> 01:39:32.899 doing a pretty big thing there. Brian Hubbard's 01:39:32.899 --> 01:39:34.699 going to be out there to speak. Former Navy SEAL 01:39:34.699 --> 01:39:37.260 Rob O 'Neill will be out there. And we're going 01:39:37.260 --> 01:39:39.079 to have a couple other people doing some stuff. 01:39:39.100 --> 01:39:41.260 We're going to have some silent auctions. And 01:39:41.260 --> 01:39:43.899 we need some of these guys and girls that have 01:39:43.899 --> 01:39:47.369 the funds to assist and that are willing to uh 01:39:47.369 --> 01:39:51.909 donate to the funds it's a 503 501 3c so it's 01:39:51.909 --> 01:39:53.630 a tax write -off for everybody listening to this 01:39:53.630 --> 01:39:57.029 um and we need your help honestly you know that's 01:39:57.029 --> 01:40:00.350 a big part of this is that we need the help with 01:40:00.350 --> 01:40:03.229 these foundations to assist these guys and girls 01:40:03.229 --> 01:40:05.710 that i mean every day like we said it's a selfless 01:40:05.710 --> 01:40:08.229 act majority of the time that we're doing um 01:40:08.229 --> 01:40:10.310 to go out there and make sure that everybody 01:40:10.310 --> 01:40:12.350 can walk across the street not worry about the 01:40:12.350 --> 01:40:14.739 bag get a snatch out of their hand or When they're 01:40:14.739 --> 01:40:15.920 in a burning building, know that you're coming 01:40:15.920 --> 01:40:17.840 in and somebody's going to come in and save them. 01:40:19.239 --> 01:40:24.300 So we are definitely in a position for a teamwork 01:40:24.300 --> 01:40:27.119 position that it's not just the guys and girls 01:40:27.119 --> 01:40:28.960 with the badges. There are people out there that 01:40:28.960 --> 01:40:31.699 are also assisting and we're holding hands together 01:40:31.699 --> 01:40:35.699 on this one. So that is a big, intricate part 01:40:35.699 --> 01:40:38.140 to this whole thing as we come together more 01:40:38.140 --> 01:40:41.399 and more and put Ibogaine knowledge on the table 01:40:41.399 --> 01:40:43.909 and just. inform people more of what's going 01:40:43.909 --> 01:40:47.310 on one more area before we go to some closing 01:40:47.310 --> 01:40:50.689 questions my wife was talking about the shooting 01:40:50.689 --> 01:40:52.670 in new york the other day the active shooter 01:40:52.670 --> 01:40:56.170 they had um and uh she said yeah he he took his 01:40:56.170 --> 01:40:59.810 own life shot himself in the chest and i knew 01:40:59.810 --> 01:41:02.529 immediately you know what that meant and then 01:41:02.529 --> 01:41:04.310 you know kind of look into it a little bit more 01:41:04.310 --> 01:41:06.270 i knew it was the nfl headquarters i'm like okay 01:41:06.270 --> 01:41:09.470 there has to be a cte element to this and sure 01:41:09.470 --> 01:41:11.979 enough Does it make it right for all those innocent 01:41:11.979 --> 01:41:14.239 people that he killed? Of course not. But you 01:41:14.239 --> 01:41:16.600 look at the Aaron Hernandez story, you look at 01:41:16.600 --> 01:41:20.920 Junior Seau, you look at Chad Wilkinson. I mean, 01:41:20.960 --> 01:41:23.579 some of the SEALs that we've lost, it's the same 01:41:23.579 --> 01:41:25.859 thing because they're aware of the damage that's 01:41:25.859 --> 01:41:28.180 going on in their head. And I'm hearing really 01:41:28.180 --> 01:41:30.600 encouraging things about psilocybin and TBI, 01:41:30.880 --> 01:41:34.619 Ibogaine and TBI. So with you having a background 01:41:34.619 --> 01:41:36.960 as a football player yourself, can you just talk 01:41:36.960 --> 01:41:39.079 to me about that angle for a second, the potential 01:41:39.079 --> 01:41:41.840 of healing brain injury when it comes to these 01:41:41.840 --> 01:41:45.359 treatments? I think it's amazing. It's an absolute 01:41:45.359 --> 01:41:49.739 amazing aspect of it. I hope the NFL and college 01:41:49.739 --> 01:41:53.180 teams, high school teams, and I mean, all pro 01:41:53.180 --> 01:41:54.779 sports are actually listening to this because 01:41:54.779 --> 01:41:57.520 I've sat down with a couple people and pro hockey 01:41:57.520 --> 01:41:59.680 players, football players that have gone through 01:41:59.680 --> 01:42:03.850 this and concussions. Non -stop, can't get rid 01:42:03.850 --> 01:42:05.989 of headaches, can't sleep. And I've sat there 01:42:05.989 --> 01:42:07.149 and told them, they were sitting there like, 01:42:07.250 --> 01:42:09.329 there's only one way to stop this pain. You know, 01:42:09.329 --> 01:42:11.289 it's not even something that they have to get 01:42:11.289 --> 01:42:13.590 rid of. They just want the pain to stop, you 01:42:13.590 --> 01:42:18.789 know. This is something that needs to be looked 01:42:18.789 --> 01:42:21.770 at. The studies have been done out there through 01:42:21.770 --> 01:42:24.630 Stanford studies. They've shown what it can do 01:42:24.630 --> 01:42:27.090 and help out with when it comes to these things. 01:42:27.170 --> 01:42:28.909 There are several NFL players that have done 01:42:28.909 --> 01:42:32.859 this and have given the thumbs up on it. It's 01:42:32.859 --> 01:42:34.520 known fact. Brett Favre was down there for other 01:42:34.520 --> 01:42:36.899 reasons. But, you know, there are other things. 01:42:37.840 --> 01:42:41.460 And I think that it is huge in the pro sports 01:42:41.460 --> 01:42:45.340 world. Take care of these guys and girls. You 01:42:45.340 --> 01:42:48.100 know, I know it's not the same thing, but they're 01:42:48.100 --> 01:42:49.899 putting themselves on the line here for our entertainment 01:42:49.899 --> 01:42:53.560 when it comes to things. And they need help. 01:42:53.859 --> 01:42:55.960 They need help. They're also in the same position. 01:42:56.020 --> 01:42:58.760 A lot of times they don't know or understand. 01:42:59.479 --> 01:43:03.199 What they could go out for and what hands to 01:43:03.199 --> 01:43:07.279 shake, what people to talk to. And there was 01:43:07.279 --> 01:43:10.340 a scenario where I knew one of my friends played 01:43:10.340 --> 01:43:11.800 for the Cowboys. And we were talking about it 01:43:11.800 --> 01:43:14.720 one time. Marion Barber. Guy was an absolute 01:43:14.720 --> 01:43:17.979 animal when he played. And there was decline. 01:43:18.859 --> 01:43:20.739 Major decline. When he played, he played hard. 01:43:21.399 --> 01:43:24.920 But it added up. And there were things that happened. 01:43:24.979 --> 01:43:29.430 And I'm not saying what his diagnosis was. it's 01:43:29.430 --> 01:43:31.930 pretty clear that it was a couple of headshots 01:43:31.930 --> 01:43:33.810 that were taken here that probably had something 01:43:33.810 --> 01:43:35.710 to do with the mental decline of what was going 01:43:35.710 --> 01:43:39.689 on there. But I think this is definitely something 01:43:39.689 --> 01:43:43.310 that should be looked at to assist these guys 01:43:43.310 --> 01:43:44.609 and girls. Because it's not only going to help 01:43:44.609 --> 01:43:47.329 them out, it's going to help their families out. 01:43:47.470 --> 01:43:49.170 And you can go right back to it. It kind of circles 01:43:49.170 --> 01:43:52.909 around in the same aspect of things. Longevity 01:43:52.909 --> 01:43:56.100 of life. Who wants to watch people take themselves 01:43:56.100 --> 01:43:57.699 out and wants to go to funerals for these things? 01:43:57.739 --> 01:43:59.460 We want to look at these guys and girls as heroes 01:43:59.460 --> 01:44:04.060 and role models for our kids. Let's give them 01:44:04.060 --> 01:44:05.939 help that they need. You know, when they reach 01:44:05.939 --> 01:44:07.800 out, you pay millions upon millions of dollars. 01:44:07.840 --> 01:44:10.039 What does that mean? They have no sort of lifestyle 01:44:10.039 --> 01:44:13.119 to live and enjoy things like that. Yeah, exactly. 01:44:15.119 --> 01:44:17.819 yeah that i saw there was a documentary recently 01:44:17.819 --> 01:44:20.880 aaron rogers and it detailed his whole psychedelic 01:44:20.880 --> 01:44:22.859 experience which is amazing and then even you 01:44:22.859 --> 01:44:26.239 look at um i'm blanking on his name now there 01:44:26.239 --> 01:44:28.960 was that wwf wrestler who ended up killing his 01:44:28.960 --> 01:44:31.119 family and then taking his own life as well oh 01:44:31.119 --> 01:44:33.319 yes yes i forgot his name i know you're talking 01:44:33.319 --> 01:44:35.859 about yeah but even aaron rogers got frowned 01:44:35.859 --> 01:44:38.380 upon you saw that when he started talking about 01:44:38.380 --> 01:44:40.460 it he was open about it i like i like aaron rogers 01:44:40.460 --> 01:44:42.159 for the fact that he's just so open about it 01:44:42.159 --> 01:44:44.590 you know that's an intelligent guy extremely 01:44:44.590 --> 01:44:47.050 intelligent guy you know and the fact that he's 01:44:47.050 --> 01:44:48.869 so open about what he had to deal with with his 01:44:48.869 --> 01:44:50.869 mental health other guys like ricky williams 01:44:50.869 --> 01:44:53.270 he hasn't done that that i know if i lost her 01:44:53.270 --> 01:44:56.489 i became another guy he knew what he was going 01:44:56.489 --> 01:44:58.210 through he was intelligent enough to understand 01:44:58.210 --> 01:45:01.470 like enough's enough like i'm not good up top 01:45:01.470 --> 01:45:04.090 doing this yeah everybody a lot of people even 01:45:04.090 --> 01:45:05.789 i thought at one point like why is this guy backing 01:45:05.789 --> 01:45:08.270 out like you are the epitome of what i want to 01:45:08.270 --> 01:45:10.810 be and why are you backing out and then you get 01:45:10.810 --> 01:45:13.529 to a point you're like okay i get it like kudos 01:45:13.529 --> 01:45:15.909 to you for understanding and knowing that you 01:45:15.909 --> 01:45:18.170 had to step out and work on yourself you know 01:45:18.170 --> 01:45:19.869 you turned down how many millions of dollars 01:45:19.869 --> 01:45:21.689 for this people oh yeah i would have taken a 01:45:21.689 --> 01:45:24.390 million dollars for that i don't know about that 01:45:24.390 --> 01:45:26.789 buddy yeah these armchair warriors saying williams 01:45:26.789 --> 01:45:30.149 is a first really yeah exactly and it's like 01:45:30.149 --> 01:45:33.470 one day sit in that chair by yourself and go 01:45:33.470 --> 01:45:34.670 through those thoughts that were probably going 01:45:34.670 --> 01:45:36.949 through his head i guarantee you you would turn 01:45:36.949 --> 01:45:39.369 down a couple million dollars to have some peace 01:45:39.369 --> 01:45:44.020 of mind exactly with that um But yeah, I think 01:45:44.020 --> 01:45:45.579 that it's definitely, it's something that we 01:45:45.579 --> 01:45:47.819 talked about in the beginning. I think everybody 01:45:47.819 --> 01:45:52.079 should look into potential of doing something 01:45:52.079 --> 01:45:54.239 similar. Not Ibogaine, there are other outs, 01:45:54.319 --> 01:45:58.859 but it's something that the world needs to see. 01:45:59.659 --> 01:46:02.220 And it is time. It is definitely time for it. 01:46:02.420 --> 01:46:05.619 People need to stop suffering. I've got family 01:46:05.619 --> 01:46:07.300 members. I'm sure everybody here has somebody 01:46:07.300 --> 01:46:09.739 that is going through something, alcoholism, 01:46:09.760 --> 01:46:12.399 whatever it may be, and they're begging for help. 01:46:12.670 --> 01:46:14.789 And they don't know how to say help. And we sit 01:46:14.789 --> 01:46:16.210 there. What do we do? Family barbecues. We laugh 01:46:16.210 --> 01:46:18.010 about it. Oh, cool. So -and -so is drunk again. 01:46:18.170 --> 01:46:21.109 Ha, ha, ha. It's like there's more going on there. 01:46:21.710 --> 01:46:24.310 Now that we see it, it's like, okay, maybe you 01:46:24.310 --> 01:46:27.710 do need that talk. So I went off on a little 01:46:27.710 --> 01:46:29.689 tangent there. No, no, it's good. I mean, it 01:46:29.689 --> 01:46:33.149 kind of underlines what I say a lot. Think about 01:46:33.149 --> 01:46:37.329 a preschool, a bunch of kids. How many of them 01:46:37.329 --> 01:46:39.090 are hoping to be an alcoholic one day, hoping 01:46:39.090 --> 01:46:41.050 to be living under a bridge, hoping to be part 01:46:41.050 --> 01:46:44.210 of a gang? hoping to be a sex worker like none 01:46:44.210 --> 01:46:46.270 of them you know what i mean it's what life does 01:46:46.270 --> 01:46:49.550 to you so when you really reverse engineer the 01:46:49.550 --> 01:46:51.569 kind of blank canvas that we were when we were 01:46:51.569 --> 01:46:54.090 little you know it shows well if it's the environment 01:46:54.090 --> 01:46:56.010 well then what can we do to fix the environment 01:46:56.010 --> 01:46:58.229 because we can't you know we didn't used to have 01:46:58.229 --> 01:47:01.409 all these stresses and the violence and all that 01:47:01.409 --> 01:47:04.189 kind of stuff. If you look at history as a whole, 01:47:04.329 --> 01:47:06.810 not talking about some of the horrible chapters 01:47:06.810 --> 01:47:09.430 that happened, but overall people would be in 01:47:09.430 --> 01:47:11.789 a village, they'd forage, they'd hunt, they'd 01:47:11.789 --> 01:47:15.069 eat together, they'd talk together and not be 01:47:15.069 --> 01:47:18.210 worried about school shootings and drug violence 01:47:18.210 --> 01:47:20.289 and all these other things. So we can definitely 01:47:20.289 --> 01:47:23.300 reverse engineer a lot of this stuff. Whether 01:47:23.300 --> 01:47:27.359 it's Ibogaine or Ayahuasca or MDMA or ketamine, 01:47:27.479 --> 01:47:29.819 there's all these other things now that aren't 01:47:29.819 --> 01:47:34.600 pills and talk therapy that will hopefully all 01:47:34.600 --> 01:47:37.560 be accessible to all the community so we can 01:47:37.560 --> 01:47:40.739 start this healing revolution. Yeah, I agree 01:47:40.739 --> 01:47:43.279 with you. I fully agree with you. And it's just, 01:47:43.380 --> 01:47:45.960 again, it's supporting what's going on and how 01:47:45.960 --> 01:47:47.779 this is happening. Also, it's opening people's 01:47:47.779 --> 01:47:53.000 minds up to this. we all at some point here had 01:47:53.000 --> 01:47:55.739 closed minds off to certain things were going 01:47:55.739 --> 01:47:57.939 on i'll understand agree i was one of those about 01:47:57.939 --> 01:48:00.199 a year and a half ago i was that guy talked to 01:48:00.199 --> 01:48:01.640 me about this a year and a half ago like yeah 01:48:01.640 --> 01:48:04.899 james you're crazy great talk this is not happening 01:48:04.899 --> 01:48:08.399 yeah um so yeah this is definitely something 01:48:08.399 --> 01:48:12.319 big on the on the forefront here and with everybody 01:48:12.319 --> 01:48:14.199 starting to support it these grants coming out 01:48:14.199 --> 01:48:17.119 of all these states The research is being done. 01:48:17.800 --> 01:48:19.819 Like I said, the fundraisers that we have going 01:48:19.819 --> 01:48:22.560 on, teaming up with vets and other foundations, 01:48:22.739 --> 01:48:25.039 psychedelic foundations that are going on out 01:48:25.039 --> 01:48:27.859 there. Brian Hubbard, Perry. I mean, there's 01:48:27.859 --> 01:48:30.960 just so many people on the forefront here. And 01:48:30.960 --> 01:48:34.039 I'm just a little little dot on this whole thing. 01:48:34.079 --> 01:48:37.359 It was fortunate enough to meet Angela and the 01:48:37.359 --> 01:48:40.079 team over three, four, three and go to NBO and 01:48:40.079 --> 01:48:42.930 meet some other guys and girls that. I think 01:48:42.930 --> 01:48:44.850 it's my purpose. And like I was saying before, 01:48:44.909 --> 01:48:46.770 I was looking for the purpose and what that was. 01:48:47.149 --> 01:48:50.069 I think I found what that purpose is and what 01:48:50.069 --> 01:48:51.609 I was put there for. Like we all go through a 01:48:51.609 --> 01:48:53.569 journey and we wonder why, why we went through 01:48:53.569 --> 01:48:55.149 that journey. What was the purpose of this? Why 01:48:55.149 --> 01:48:56.970 did I have to deal with that? So on and so forth. 01:48:57.050 --> 01:48:59.069 And honestly, without that, I'm not sitting here. 01:48:59.270 --> 01:49:03.310 I can tell you that much. And I wasn't a person 01:49:03.310 --> 01:49:04.890 that ever had any sort of addictions either. 01:49:05.090 --> 01:49:07.050 So I only went through Ibogaine once. Some people 01:49:07.050 --> 01:49:10.010 do it multiple times. You know, I'm not that 01:49:10.010 --> 01:49:12.470 person either, but I could speak to. individuals 01:49:12.470 --> 01:49:14.789 on that side of things. You know, it's not just 01:49:14.789 --> 01:49:19.970 for one type of person. So I would say, talk 01:49:19.970 --> 01:49:22.130 to people out there, spread the word. If you 01:49:22.130 --> 01:49:26.090 have questions about this process, what Ibogaine 01:49:26.090 --> 01:49:28.229 is, ask, you can Google it, look it up, look 01:49:28.229 --> 01:49:31.350 up this history of it. There's so many resources 01:49:31.350 --> 01:49:34.850 for people that want to know more about it and 01:49:34.850 --> 01:49:39.069 that potentially want to go down and take the 01:49:39.069 --> 01:49:41.920 journey and see what it could do for them. And 01:49:41.920 --> 01:49:44.539 I will say it has been all positive. I haven't 01:49:44.539 --> 01:49:47.779 heard one negative thing about it. And we, I 01:49:47.779 --> 01:49:49.319 mean, I'll run through some stats of what we 01:49:49.319 --> 01:49:50.680 did. I actually wrote this down because I wanted 01:49:50.680 --> 01:49:53.739 to specifically talk about this. And I wasn't 01:49:53.739 --> 01:49:56.199 gonna remember all these numbers, but at 343, 01:49:56.340 --> 01:49:59.079 we've sent, and this number is gonna be a little 01:49:59.079 --> 01:50:01.020 bit skewed because every day we're sending more 01:50:01.020 --> 01:50:05.600 people. We sent 145 first responders through 01:50:05.600 --> 01:50:08.579 treatment, which is amazing. Thus far. And I 01:50:08.579 --> 01:50:11.220 will say this. Angela has been fronting her own 01:50:11.220 --> 01:50:13.920 money to do this. That's why I say Angela's so 01:50:13.920 --> 01:50:15.819 big on what she's doing. This has been her money. 01:50:15.880 --> 01:50:18.380 She's been fronting to assist people with this. 01:50:18.920 --> 01:50:21.060 Eighty five percent males, 50 percent female. 01:50:21.199 --> 01:50:27.159 But again, that's when a male driven job for 01:50:27.159 --> 01:50:30.260 us here. Forty one percent have been firefighters, 01:50:30.500 --> 01:50:33.199 37 percent law enforcement, 50 percent EMTs and 01:50:33.199 --> 01:50:35.430 six percent spouses. And that's what I was talking 01:50:35.430 --> 01:50:38.329 about before. It's something that it's for all 01:50:38.329 --> 01:50:39.949 the first responders and people have to understand 01:50:39.949 --> 01:50:41.729 the spouses also. That is huge. And we're going 01:50:41.729 --> 01:50:44.029 to be starting a friends and family program here 01:50:44.029 --> 01:50:46.569 soon, I think. So that's going to be something 01:50:46.569 --> 01:50:48.329 that we're going to be having a conversation 01:50:48.329 --> 01:50:55.390 with. 56 % of these individuals are active, which 01:50:55.390 --> 01:50:57.090 is huge. People think you have to be retired 01:50:57.090 --> 01:50:59.390 just to go through this. Like, no, what are we 01:50:59.390 --> 01:51:02.090 waiting for? Why wait for this thing to build 01:51:02.090 --> 01:51:04.109 up where it's overflowing? Let's take care of 01:51:04.109 --> 01:51:06.689 these things now. 44 % have been retired or medically 01:51:06.689 --> 01:51:09.909 retired or have resigned. 68 % have been in the 01:51:09.909 --> 01:51:14.090 line of duty, injuries. And then, like I was 01:51:14.090 --> 01:51:18.270 explaining before, different aspects of it. 60 01:51:18.270 --> 01:51:22.430 % have had some sort of substance abuse. 40 % 01:51:22.430 --> 01:51:26.829 are on SSRIs. 66 % have said to have some sort 01:51:26.829 --> 01:51:28.829 of sleep disturbance. So there are so many different 01:51:28.829 --> 01:51:30.750 factors that play into it. There are signs that 01:51:30.750 --> 01:51:33.399 will play into this. And guys and girls, I mean, 01:51:33.420 --> 01:51:36.260 we're here to help everybody out when it comes 01:51:36.260 --> 01:51:38.760 to things. Can we help everybody? No. Let's just 01:51:38.760 --> 01:51:40.659 be realistic with this. But we are here to do 01:51:40.659 --> 01:51:43.199 as much as we can. And the more assistance that 01:51:43.199 --> 01:51:46.199 we have throughout this process with the communities 01:51:46.199 --> 01:51:49.039 that can help out in any way they can, in reference, 01:51:49.159 --> 01:51:52.000 like I said, either becoming coaches, spreading 01:51:52.000 --> 01:51:54.079 the word, becoming integration coaches. I know 01:51:54.079 --> 01:51:55.359 that's something we're looking for all the time, 01:51:55.399 --> 01:51:56.899 especially with the number of individuals that 01:51:56.899 --> 01:52:00.829 are starting to come through here now. Give people 01:52:00.829 --> 01:52:03.949 more information and they become more aware of 01:52:03.949 --> 01:52:06.909 Ibogaine and what it can do and what it is. We're 01:52:06.909 --> 01:52:08.010 going to need more help when it comes to that. 01:52:08.130 --> 01:52:09.930 So that's something if you guys are interested, 01:52:10.029 --> 01:52:13.369 reach out to us at 343 with what we're doing 01:52:13.369 --> 01:52:16.989 here. And then also, like I said, it's a 5013C 01:52:16.989 --> 01:52:20.430 for all the bigwigs out there or anybody, anybody 01:52:20.430 --> 01:52:23.890 wants to donate to the cause. Reach out to us 01:52:23.890 --> 01:52:26.710 and you can do things. You have a one -time donation, 01:52:26.829 --> 01:52:29.460 a reoccurring monthly and annual donation. Or, 01:52:29.460 --> 01:52:31.020 I mean, if you want to host some sort of fundraising 01:52:31.020 --> 01:52:33.359 event, that's also an option you have. And if 01:52:33.359 --> 01:52:35.100 you are interested in doing that, you can go 01:52:35.100 --> 01:52:38.079 to 343fund .org. And there's a little button. 01:52:38.119 --> 01:52:40.579 Click on it, and you can do it that way. Or reach 01:52:40.579 --> 01:52:44.079 out to me or myself or Angela or anybody else 01:52:44.079 --> 01:52:46.979 in the 343 Fund to help out and get that done. 01:52:47.100 --> 01:52:49.279 So we're definitely looking forward to doing 01:52:49.279 --> 01:52:51.000 a whole lot more. We've got a lot of good things 01:52:51.000 --> 01:52:54.060 planned here. I'm excited about it, man. I'm 01:52:54.060 --> 01:52:56.140 excited. I feel like I finally found my purpose 01:52:56.140 --> 01:52:57.720 in this thing without making it about me again, 01:52:57.819 --> 01:53:00.439 but it's an exciting thing. It's definitely an 01:53:00.439 --> 01:53:02.279 exciting thing. Well, I think this is what I 01:53:02.279 --> 01:53:05.479 found with this. I just, you know, found myself 01:53:05.479 --> 01:53:08.140 accidentally leaving the fire service and really 01:53:08.140 --> 01:53:10.880 it was at a crossroads and it was a force multiplier 01:53:10.880 --> 01:53:13.000 thing. If you're using the Green Beret term, 01:53:13.119 --> 01:53:15.680 you know, you were on the streets for X amount 01:53:15.680 --> 01:53:17.220 of years. I was on the streets for X amount of 01:53:17.220 --> 01:53:20.840 years. And there's another. you know, great police 01:53:20.840 --> 01:53:23.220 officer, firefighter in our, you know, in our 01:53:23.220 --> 01:53:25.479 spot doing the same thing now. So for us with 01:53:25.479 --> 01:53:27.800 that journey that we've had with that experience, 01:53:28.039 --> 01:53:30.500 that gives you the buy -in that gives you the 01:53:30.500 --> 01:53:32.079 lived experience. It's like, well now how can 01:53:32.079 --> 01:53:33.920 we help the people that are out there helping 01:53:33.920 --> 01:53:36.319 everyone? So I think it's a beautiful transition. 01:53:37.539 --> 01:53:39.539 Oh, it is. It definitely is. And you, you said 01:53:39.539 --> 01:53:41.520 something there too was great is that with the 01:53:41.520 --> 01:53:43.260 fact that we have the experience, we could talk 01:53:43.260 --> 01:53:45.899 the talk, we could speak the lingo and it makes 01:53:45.899 --> 01:53:48.260 it so much easier, you know, with people and 01:53:48.260 --> 01:53:51.329 to be relatable. to be 100 % relatable. Because 01:53:51.329 --> 01:53:53.890 when you tell your story, I can say, I understand. 01:53:54.250 --> 01:53:56.090 I don't have to say I disempathize. I understand 01:53:56.090 --> 01:53:58.470 what you're dealing with. And that's huge. That 01:53:58.470 --> 01:54:00.710 is huge when it comes to this. So, I mean, you're 01:54:00.710 --> 01:54:02.529 doing God's work, James. You definitely are. 01:54:02.649 --> 01:54:04.430 I definitely appreciate you having me on here. 01:54:04.689 --> 01:54:06.609 And the fact that we crossed paths through Angela 01:54:06.609 --> 01:54:08.550 and everything like that. Like I said, it's crazy 01:54:08.550 --> 01:54:11.609 how I've come from a cop that didn't want to 01:54:11.609 --> 01:54:13.630 be seen, didn't want to be talked about, to sitting 01:54:13.630 --> 01:54:18.279 here doing stuff like this. Well, a couple of 01:54:18.279 --> 01:54:19.939 quick closing questions before I let you go. 01:54:20.039 --> 01:54:22.239 The first one I love to ask, is there a book 01:54:22.239 --> 01:54:24.300 or are there books that you love to recommend? 01:54:24.520 --> 01:54:26.560 It can be related to our discussion today or 01:54:26.560 --> 01:54:30.319 completely unrelated. Honestly, I'm in the process 01:54:30.319 --> 01:54:32.199 of finishing this thing up, but Operator Syndrome 01:54:32.199 --> 01:54:36.819 was a book that I was told to read. And at first 01:54:36.819 --> 01:54:39.520 I was like, yeah, whatever. And then I got around 01:54:39.520 --> 01:54:41.840 several guys and everybody said the same thing. 01:54:41.899 --> 01:54:43.300 You need to read this book. That's Chris Free. 01:54:43.739 --> 01:54:47.180 Yes. So yes, Operator Syndrome, I would say. 01:54:47.609 --> 01:54:49.789 There's definitely one that I would say you should 01:54:49.789 --> 01:54:52.529 read, especially in line of work of if you're 01:54:52.529 --> 01:54:54.989 on a team for SWAT or if you're in the military. 01:54:55.069 --> 01:54:58.229 I've had multiple guys on teams that said this 01:54:58.229 --> 01:55:01.630 is the book for everybody that has that syndrome 01:55:01.630 --> 01:55:04.510 aspect of things. So I think that's the one. 01:55:04.670 --> 01:55:07.470 Brilliant. Yeah, I have him on with J .D. Miller, 01:55:07.649 --> 01:55:10.250 who they've developed another one called Firefighter 01:55:10.250 --> 01:55:11.949 Syndrome. So it's kind of another thing that's 01:55:11.949 --> 01:55:15.100 in the book, but it's another kind of. um in 01:55:15.100 --> 01:55:16.840 a way of looking at it from ours because obviously 01:55:16.840 --> 01:55:19.800 we're not having the tbis the cts as much as 01:55:19.800 --> 01:55:24.260 you know law enforcement um military etc um what 01:55:24.260 --> 01:55:29.119 about documentaries and films that you love they 01:55:29.119 --> 01:55:30.840 just came out with the waves and war documentary 01:55:30.840 --> 01:55:35.100 if somebody wants to see what ibogaine and ambio 01:55:35.100 --> 01:55:37.899 experience and i would say get your hands on 01:55:37.899 --> 01:55:40.199 that i know it just came overseas a couple months 01:55:40.199 --> 01:55:42.310 ago They released it. They were doing a couple 01:55:42.310 --> 01:55:44.109 of releases. I think they just did one in Virginia 01:55:44.109 --> 01:55:46.649 a couple of weeks ago. Waves and Wars, a good 01:55:46.649 --> 01:55:50.470 one, especially for knowing what this platform 01:55:50.470 --> 01:55:53.050 that we're speaking on is and some guys that 01:55:53.050 --> 01:55:56.390 have gone through that process. So I think that's 01:55:56.390 --> 01:55:59.029 definitely a great one when it comes to this. 01:55:59.390 --> 01:56:01.729 Brilliant. All right, the next question. Is there 01:56:01.729 --> 01:56:04.050 a person that you recommend to come on this podcast 01:56:04.050 --> 01:56:06.789 as a guest to speak to the first responders, 01:56:06.970 --> 01:56:08.869 military, and associated professionals of the 01:56:08.869 --> 01:56:14.140 world? I've got a couple of people. So I've been 01:56:14.140 --> 01:56:16.140 blessed, like I said, to be around some superheroes 01:56:16.140 --> 01:56:19.079 in my mindset that have gone through the process. 01:56:19.380 --> 01:56:25.619 Your DJ Shipley, Cole Falkner, Cody Alford, Tony 01:56:25.619 --> 01:56:27.159 Cowden. I'm going to give you four and then I'll 01:56:27.159 --> 01:56:31.460 stop there. Those guys, I've had the privilege 01:56:31.460 --> 01:56:35.060 of sitting down and talking to in depth about 01:56:35.060 --> 01:56:37.979 some things. And those are several individuals 01:56:37.979 --> 01:56:40.560 who've gone through. and be on the Ibogaine treatment 01:56:40.560 --> 01:56:45.399 and have some real -time experience with traumas 01:56:45.399 --> 01:56:48.479 and how to get around things and seeing the pros 01:56:48.479 --> 01:56:51.460 and cons and everything that they've done. And 01:56:51.460 --> 01:56:56.000 those are some good guys to talk to. One woman 01:56:56.000 --> 01:56:57.739 that I would say talk to in the law enforcement 01:56:57.739 --> 01:57:03.840 world, she hasn't done Ibogaine, but there's 01:57:03.840 --> 01:57:05.960 a woman by the name of Ann Carvalhas. She was 01:57:05.960 --> 01:57:09.239 a police officer. in Texas. I forgot the police 01:57:09.239 --> 01:57:11.880 department in Texas. I'll link you up with her. 01:57:12.659 --> 01:57:16.640 But she is a badass. When you see her story, 01:57:16.739 --> 01:57:18.920 I'll send you some stuff on her. And I'm going 01:57:18.920 --> 01:57:21.340 to be talking to her about some stuff and potentially 01:57:21.340 --> 01:57:23.939 going out there to this woman. She's gone through 01:57:23.939 --> 01:57:26.000 some stuff. And she's an ex -Marine also. So 01:57:26.000 --> 01:57:29.619 she's a cop and a Marine. So I'd give you that. 01:57:30.439 --> 01:57:32.359 You'll see the puppies over there talking. Yeah, 01:57:32.380 --> 01:57:35.680 yeah. In the background. Brilliant. All right. 01:57:37.460 --> 01:57:39.159 Well then the last question for you, make sure 01:57:39.159 --> 01:57:41.460 everyone knows where to find you. What do you 01:57:41.460 --> 01:57:45.800 do to decompress these days? Man, decompress 01:57:45.800 --> 01:57:49.319 gym, the gym rat. I love the gym. I'm actually 01:57:49.319 --> 01:57:50.739 funny. You both brought this up. I'm starting 01:57:50.739 --> 01:57:53.680 jujitsu again today. I'm going to be hurt. Oh 01:57:53.680 --> 01:57:58.659 man. I've done it so long. So I stay physical. 01:57:58.899 --> 01:58:02.289 Um, and then my kids, my kids do it for me. Like 01:58:02.289 --> 01:58:03.930 a lot of people say, oh, their kids are a stressor 01:58:03.930 --> 01:58:06.170 to them, but my kids do it for me. When I have 01:58:06.170 --> 01:58:09.050 my kids, it's just, it's such a big decompression 01:58:09.050 --> 01:58:11.470 for me. Because now with this mindset and the 01:58:11.470 --> 01:58:14.890 way that I kind of changed the views I have with 01:58:14.890 --> 01:58:16.890 certain things, I just have more fun with them, 01:58:16.890 --> 01:58:19.750 you know? So I use my kids to do a lot of kids 01:58:19.750 --> 01:58:21.130 things too. So I can say I'm taking them to the 01:58:21.130 --> 01:58:22.449 zoo because they're going to the zoo, but I really 01:58:22.449 --> 01:58:26.689 want to go to the zoo. So yeah, I spend time 01:58:26.689 --> 01:58:28.590 with my family. That's kind of my decompression, 01:58:28.670 --> 01:58:33.350 honestly, if I'm not. at the gym or just kind 01:58:33.350 --> 01:58:35.789 of hanging around with my dogs that's it i'm 01:58:35.789 --> 01:58:38.050 easy when it comes to life man very easy very 01:58:38.050 --> 01:58:40.149 cool you literally listed like all of my decompressors 01:58:40.149 --> 01:58:42.829 there too and the dog included there you go um 01:58:42.829 --> 01:58:44.750 all right well then let's just underline one 01:58:44.750 --> 01:58:46.869 more time where can people find the 343 fund 01:58:46.869 --> 01:58:49.130 and if they want to follow you reach out to you 01:58:49.130 --> 01:58:50.710 where are the best places for you specifically 01:58:50.710 --> 01:58:54.170 all right so for me now that they've actually 01:58:54.170 --> 01:58:56.329 uh given me the position of executive director 01:58:56.329 --> 01:58:58.250 over here at 343 fund don't know what they were 01:58:58.250 --> 01:59:01.380 thinking when i did that but uh You can find 01:59:01.380 --> 01:59:05.260 us over at 343 .org. For donations, head over 01:59:05.260 --> 01:59:08.000 to 343 .org. As soon as the webpage pops up, 01:59:08.039 --> 01:59:09.939 you'll see a donation button. We'll appreciate 01:59:09.939 --> 01:59:12.760 anything and everything that you guys can send 01:59:12.760 --> 01:59:15.779 our way. Me personally, if you want to talk to 01:59:15.779 --> 01:59:18.739 me, I'm on Instagram. You can reach out. It's 01:59:18.739 --> 01:59:22.199 underscore TAC Daddy. So underscore T -A -C -D 01:59:22.199 --> 01:59:26.680 -A -D -Y. That is me. But for 343, it's 343 .org. 01:59:26.840 --> 01:59:30.229 Get out there. Help out a first responder, a 01:59:30.229 --> 01:59:32.649 family member, anything you guys could give. 01:59:32.949 --> 01:59:36.869 We are more than happy to receive. And we'll 01:59:36.869 --> 01:59:38.529 have some more information on those events that 01:59:38.529 --> 01:59:40.250 we have coming up in October also and anything 01:59:40.250 --> 01:59:43.029 future -wise that we have coming up. Any questions 01:59:43.029 --> 01:59:44.470 you have, reach out to me at any point in time. 01:59:44.609 --> 01:59:46.529 And if someone's looking to actually be a recipient 01:59:46.529 --> 01:59:49.609 of the program, it's the same site? Same site, 01:59:49.670 --> 01:59:52.029 correct. Yep, same site. Perfect. That's correct. 01:59:52.210 --> 01:59:54.409 Well, I want to thank you so much. I mean, like 01:59:54.409 --> 01:59:57.170 I said, hearing this kind of conversation from 01:59:57.170 --> 01:59:59.550 a law enforcement perspective is always even 01:59:59.550 --> 02:00:03.680 more powerful. But, you know, having... the courage 02:00:03.680 --> 02:00:05.560 to be vulnerable, having the courage to tell 02:00:05.560 --> 02:00:08.180 your story. I know that the ripple effect is 02:00:08.180 --> 02:00:09.880 going to be amazing. And we're slowly breaking 02:00:09.880 --> 02:00:12.760 down the stigma around this conversation, which 02:00:12.760 --> 02:00:14.739 is going to save lives. It's just that simple. 02:00:14.939 --> 02:00:17.420 So I want to thank you so, so much for being 02:00:17.420 --> 02:00:19.380 so generous with your time and coming on the 02:00:19.380 --> 02:00:22.520 Behind the Shield podcast today. James, I want 02:00:22.520 --> 02:00:24.359 to thank you the same. I really appreciate it. 02:00:24.380 --> 02:00:26.920 And I'm going to extend a handout from the 343 02:00:26.920 --> 02:00:29.359 Foundation and everybody that's running out that 02:00:29.359 --> 02:00:32.729 way behind the scenes. You're doing great work, 02:00:32.750 --> 02:00:34.810 man. Doing God's work out there. God bless you 02:00:34.810 --> 02:00:34.970 too.