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This episode is sponsored by a company I've literally been using for over 15 years now and that is 511.

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Now my introduction to their products began when I started wearing 511 uniforms years ago for Anaheim Fire Department.

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And since then I have acquired a host of their backpacks and luggage which have literally been around the world with me.

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The backpack where I keep all my recording equipment is a 511 backpack.

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And then most of my civilian gear, the clothes that I wear are also 511.

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Now more recently they've actually branched out into the brick and mortar stores.

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So for example Gainesville where I do jiu-jitsu has a beautiful 511 store.

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So if you are a fire department, a law enforcement agency, you now have access to an entire inventory of clothing and equipment in these 511 stores.

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Now I've talked about the range of shoes they have and how important minimizing weight in our footwear is when it comes to our back health, knee health etc.

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I've talked about their unique uniforms that are fitted for either male or female first responders.

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And then I want to highlight one new area, their CloudStrike packs.

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For those of you who enjoy hiking, this would even be an application I believe for the wildland community.

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They've created an ultra light pack now with a hydration system built in for rucking, running or other long distance events.

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Now as always 511 is offering you, the audience of the Behind the Shield podcast, 15% off every purchase that you make.

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So if you use the code SHIELD15, that's S-H-I-E-L-D-1-5 at 511tactical.com, you will get that 15% off every single time.

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So if you want to hear more about 511 and their origin story, go to episode 338 of Behind the Shield podcast with their CEO Francisco Morales.

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Welcome to the Behind the Shield podcast as always, my name is James Gearing and this week it is my absolute honor to welcome on the show,

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entrepreneur, Navy SEAL spouse and the woman behind the GUD show, Serinda GUD.

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Now as you will hear in this conversation, Serinda keeps it extremely real so there will be multiple truth bombs dropped during this conversation.

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We discussed a host of topics from growing up in an Indian family in England, her transition into the airline profession,

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meeting her husband in America, her on base coffee shops, the financial crisis many of our military families are facing when their loved ones are deployed,

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rugby, racism and so much more.

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Now before we get to this incredible conversation as I say every week, please just take a moment,

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go to whichever app you listen to this on, subscribe to the show, leave feedback and leave a rating.

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Every single 5 star rating truly does elevate this podcast therefore making it easier for others to find.

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And this is a free library of well over 950 episodes now so all I ask in return is that you help share these incredible men and women stories

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so I can get them to every single person on planet earth who needs to hear them.

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So with that being said, I introduce to you Serinda GUD. Enjoy.

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Well Serinda, I want to say thank you so much for taking the time and coming on the Behind the Shield podcast today.

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Listen, thank you for having me. I mean I didn't get it right the first time. I got the mix up with the time so thank you for giving me shot two.

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I've done it so many times. I mean the US is bad enough but then it's the international one and then the number of times I've screwed it up

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because the UK changes daylight savings in a different week than the US and so yeah, I mean this is the thing.

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I mean it happens. It was you know we communicated and here we are not a big deal at all.

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All good. All good.

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So where on planet earth are we finding you your morning my afternoon?

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I am in San Diego, sunny San Diego, California and it's not so sunny you know we've got that June gloom going on but it's weather wise it's a great place to be.

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Well I can tell from your accent that you're not originally from Southern California so let's start at the very beginning of your timeline.

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So tell me where you were born and tell me a little bit about your family dynamic, what your parents did, how many siblings?

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I'm a fellow Brit born in England, born to immigrant parents, very hard working, big family. We were like a bunch of savages.

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And you know it's when I was young we moved up to Scotland and we grew up in Scotland then I was educated in England.

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You know all my brothers are self-employed, I think entrepreneurship kind of like runs through our veins.

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Great childhood, nothing crazy you know I mean it was all good, no trauma, I won't end up on Dr Phil.

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And then I moved from Scotland, I moved to the Middle East and I think really I remember everything you know when I was young again being born into my culture,

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the Indian culture, I was born into it at a time and an era where everything was really judgmental.

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You know I should have been a doctor, an attorney kind of thing and I just knew that wasn't my gig.

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And so I left and moved to a great little island at a great time called Bahrain.

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And I loved it, I was a trolley dolly and I always remember thinking to myself okay if I move over there, there is no coming back because I don't believe in going back.

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You know and I moved over there, I remember sitting on the flight thinking all right I don't know what this place is like but it was a great,

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the attitude I had was this is some place where you can go nobody knows you and you can completely reinvent yourself which was exactly what I wanted to do.

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And it was really I've always said this the best single years of my life and any flight attendant out there that worked for Gulf Air knows exactly what I mean.

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So I want to go back to your parents immigration story first and then we'll walk back through. So are they both originally from India?

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Both my parents are from India and they entered the UK just after the Brits had invaded India, the British Raj and then you know there was entry into the UK.

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My dad, God bless him because neither one of them are here now, but my father was a man of very few words.

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You know his English was good but he was very careful with his pronunciation.

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He worked really hard, worked in a factory you know back then you got a job in a factory.

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And it's funny because I was talking about him to my husband yesterday and I said you know something my dad always wore a suit.

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When he was not working he wore a suit, shirt, tie and he always wore a little trilby hat.

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He was really cool, I had no idea how cool my dad was, you never realize your parents are cool you know.

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And he was, I remember he was talking to my brothers one day, my sister was a nurse and had just been accepted into the US for nursing you know.

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And my dad sat my brothers down you know old school dude and he said now listen if she lets you in, i.e. America, you have automatically made it because that is the land of opportunity.

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But if you fuck with her she is going to kick your ass and that's what I grew up thinking about the US you know.

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My dad was in awe of America, so was my mom. She was also a very strong feisty Indian lady, didn't take any shit.

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And god bless her, she used to put all the Indian words she knew together and if you didn't know what she was talking about what the fuck is your problem you know.

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Is that possibly where you get your fieryness from?

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I think so, I think so. The other crazy thing about my mom was this, I always tell this story and I know she's up there shaking her head.

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But my mom couldn't pronounce her F's right. So you know we grew up in a racially charged area and we'd be walking down the street sometimes and we'd get called some gnarly names.

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And my mom one day turned around and she looked at whoever it was and she went POK OP!

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And I thought okay enough, I gotta teach her how to cuss properly. So I think we were the only kids at school that used to come home and teach your parent how to cuss.

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I used to say mom it's fuck off. POK OP! does not have the same meaning.

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My wife's mother is Filipino and they pronounce it the same way.

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But god bless her, she really didn't take any shit and they were just really hard working people.

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My dad always said if you do the right thing you can't go wrong.

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Real simple shit, he's a simple guy. And I always remember saying to my husband one day, because obviously I married a big white guy.

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And in our culture that's again you know not the thing to do at that time. And I remember my dad came to visit and I was in bed upstairs, it's the middle of the night.

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And all of a sudden I woke up, woke up my husband and I went wake up wake up, he went what's wrong what's wrong?

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I went you know something I just realized my dad is a really cool motherfucker.

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And my husband looked at me and he went what it's like two o'clock in the morning and what?

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I just realized that because my dad's downstairs in the bedroom and he's not upstairs here with a machete over your head.

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That's when I realized my dad I'd never given him the credit of just you know being that cool guy.

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I talk about this a lot. Have you seen the the film Love Actually?

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No.

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It's a shame. So there's an opening scene and it literally it's like someone crawled inside my head when I was little because the opening scene talks about this very thing.

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When I was young, so we're talking you know like 40 plus years ago, every so often I think I'd go on like a ski trip or something over the school and would find myself at Heathrow Airport.

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And I remember just when I was a little white boy from a farm in the west country.

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So we did have a slight diversity but it wasn't a diverse population I grew up amongst.

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And so you know you stand here in the departures or arrivals wherever it was and you see these African headdresses and these beautiful silks from India and all these cultures.

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And to me I was like oh this is England or this is the UK or actually I love that philosophy of the four lions.

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Like the British lions you know England Ireland Scotland Wales are two pieces of rock sit next to each other.

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Those are my people together. But then because of you know often dark history of the UK we now have such beautiful diversity.

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And then you go back to the racism of when I was growing up which again I never really saw much with my own eyes. You know my friends weren't saying stuff like that.

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But it just blew my mind because it's like this but our country is diverse. It's full of all these beautiful cultures and because of that it's beautiful.

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You know when people say oh what's British food? Well it's curry, it's Ethiopia and it's all the things.

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So that's what you know I just struggle so hard even with the concept of racism. That being said though I'm a little farm boy in the West Country.

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What were some of the darker moments that you and or your parents experienced being Indian you know Indian heritage in the UK at that time?

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I remember being you know walking to school and being spat upon. You know I remember being called the N-word.

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You know I was pushed around. I remember going to the grocery store walking up the street with my mom.

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And my mom was jostled you know by skinheads you know. And I think what happened.

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Well I remember my dad sat us down because there was an incident where a brick came through the window.

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And my dad sat us down and he looked at us all and he went listen let me tell you guys.

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There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing wrong with you. You know there's something very wrong with those people out there.

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He said and the only thing I can think of in their defense is that when you have that state of mind you call out the most obvious thing about somebody.

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So hey if you were wearing glasses you'd be specky. If you were fat you'd be fatty.

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You know the most obvious thing about us is that we have a different skin color.

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But dot your eyes. Cross your t's. Do a good day's work and you'll be fine. Ignore them.

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So you know James I grew up I'm not saying that that was what the ideal situation.

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But I've moved to the US and I can count on one hand and I do not need all five fingers for the times that I feel that okay that was a shitty move.

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You said that to me because of my color. Whereas unfortunately where I grew up in Bilston you know where I was born in Bilston the West Midlands.

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That was the environment. That was the time. That was just what was happening at that point in Britain you know.

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So again sometimes I think to myself and I'm going to be honest sometimes I think to myself hey if somebody called me a gnarly name tomorrow it's right over my head.

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I hope you feel better my friend. You know it really does not bother me.

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So I guess that's the plus side of it when you grow up in that environment. You become immune to it.

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You know how to handle it and I don't let it bother me. It's never ever got in the way of anything that I have wanted to achieve and it shouldn't.

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Yeah and it just comes from such ignorance and arguably mental ill health.

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Sometimes I've been called a nigger by white people by black women and I'm like you know I'm almost opaque.

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I'm so pale you know it's the same when they use Paki to the Indian like that's a completely different country you idiot.

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My mom used to get upset about that more than anything else you know because she turned around once and she went we are not Paki's.

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We are Indians and I'm like okay there's my mother in the street trying to educate somebody who's just called her a Paki.

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I mean come on mom you know.

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Pull out the map.

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But I know I know and you know something I think it takes a lot of energy to have that kind of racism in you.

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You know I think to some degree there's maybe I don't like the word racism at all because that just goes straight to the ugly in my mind.

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There's some bias in all of us about certain things you know and I think that just makes us pretty much fucking normal.

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It's just how we express it and is it used to hurt.

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I mean there's absolutely no reason there was no reason why I should have been walking to school thinking I was all hot shit and then I get spat on.

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I mean I laugh at it now because you got it do you know what I mean you have to what are you going to do.

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Yeah no it's I mean again like I said it's ignorant and when when people try and paint the US the same as the UK.

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Most British people and Irish people are fucking amazing with an amazing sense of humor a compassionate heart.

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I mean I think about you know the the childhood I had and I don't know if it's still the same but the environment I grew up in England.

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Where some of the skinheads were doing the shitty things was when blue Peter was on the show.

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Yes children all over the countries were having jumble sales and selling sandwiches so they can send money over to Ethiopia to the poor starving children.

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You know and John what was it John Craven's news round was teaching about all that stuff.

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You know so they are beautiful cultures and it's the same here but it's this projection of hate.

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And when you look at that those hatred of haven you hear it you know even from fucking politicians arguably presidents in this country.

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Oh you know all Mexicans are rapists and murderers you know like that just to me is like just putting a big sign up saying.

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I'm such an ignorant fucking idiot that I can't even individualize a human being.

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Yeah you know I have to say I you know I have to find the funny shit in everything sometimes.

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And I remember you know when it was the big election you know and we had Trump running.

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And I remember going home for a quick visit and my brother always used to love to poke me about American politics.

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And he said oh yeah what's going on over on in America you know and that Trump dude.

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I went whoa whoa whoa slow your roll. I just watched parliament yesterday and somebody was lying in three quarter prone position.

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And some dude had jumped over a bench and knocked the fuck out the other guy.

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I said so let's not get into that.

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I mean it's happening both sides of the aisle it's like I don't know man where has people's just.

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Basic common sense little bit of kindness you know know when to shut your mouth have some situational awareness.

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Just don't just be good people man it doesn't take a long it's real basic shit.

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That's what my husband's always told me he's a real basic dude he's like hey it's all about it's basics just keep shit simple.

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Absolutely but I can't because I'm a woman.

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Well I mean what I'd see over and over again especially recently is you know it's just that simple phrase divide and conquer.

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If I say oh the Indians they took our jobs.

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It's funny actually I say that there was a meme I posted a while ago now it was fucking awesome.

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It was a bunch of Indian Sikh Spitfire pilots in World War II lined up in front of their planes.

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And the comments said bloody Indians coming over here and killing the Nazis.

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That's just it is like they what they were were you know member of the empire at that point.

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But they were a member of the allied nations that were fighting the Nazis.

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And that's what blows me away about racism in America in the 50s.

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Like you were part of this most incredible movement in the 40s.

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How the fuck do we get to you hanging black people in the 50s.

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Like where was the voice saying wait a second time out what the fuck are you doing.

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And I've never ever had a person's able to explain that to me.

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All these incredible Americans come home from war and then around them they're allowing that to happen.

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Yeah and I can't give you an answer for that either.

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But I do want to say something just as you mentioned John Craven's news around.

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I remember there used to be a sitcom on TV called Love Thy Neighbor.

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I remember that.

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And yeah my dad my mom and dad used to watch that and they loved it.

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And that was a great little show is about you know the white couple the black couple the Indian family.

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Do you know what I mean.

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Everybody living on the same street talking shit about each other kind of like but in a funny way.

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You know and every time they really did the Indian accent you know played it over the top.

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My mom and dad thought that was hilarious.

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You know because I think to myself if you can't laugh at yourself you know then shit man.

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I don't know you know then I don't want to know you.

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Yeah I think South Park does it best.

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They just make fun of everyone you know including themselves you know.

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If you make fun of everyone it's good.

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If you like oh we can make fun of everyone except this happened.

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Isaac Hayes with the church of Scientology the moment they made fun of him.

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Then they were like oh no you can't do that.

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No that's not how it works.

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There's everyone or no one and no one you know is killing communication.

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You have to be able to laugh and like you said it's the intent.

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Is it coming from a place of hate or is it actually just good-natured observation of our you know.

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Diverse culture that we inhabit.

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You know it's almost like I mean this I'll probably get you know canceled for saying this now.

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But you know it's kind of like did you watch the the roast the Tom Brady roast?

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No because I really don't think any human is that important to spend an hour watching people.

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To pretend to like him and make jokes about him.

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I've never never you know he's just he's a football player.

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He throws the ball he's a very good athlete very good at what he does.

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But I mean it's like with those award shows I can't stand award shows.

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No I know I don't watch no Emmys no no none of that Golden Globe bullshit.

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It's just like no I missed the slap as well.

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I had to go find it on YouTube because I think that was the most exciting thing.

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That had happened at an Emmy show for since the days of some good actors like I don't know.

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Charles Bronson.

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Is he still alive?

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No I think he died years ago.

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Yeah but that that's what's sad with that slap. That was an amazing opportunity to have a really

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deep mental health conversation.

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And it just turned into a bunch of memes and judgments and you know was it right?

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You know if that wasn't staged or there wasn't any backstory then no it wasn't.

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And that's the point you got a man obviously in crisis you know expressing himself through

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violence which happens all over the world.

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And it's a great opportunity and we completely missed it.

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You know that word you just mentioned violence.

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It is shocking to me today.

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I have a teenager in high school she's 15 and even when she was going through middle school

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the the element of violence and the divide within the school system is shocking to me.

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It's shocking to me the girls fight the way they fight you know and they jump people and it's just

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yeah it's it shocks me and it's like dude well what the what the fuck is going on?

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Yeah it's that division again though you know you're creating an enemy and it could be you know

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whether you wanted a vaccine or you know whether you like Taylor Swift or not whatever it is

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you know there's that division rather than that pulling together.

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And I've said this the same for years the the definition of a leader is someone who unites

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which means that we haven't had a leader in this country for decades because it's constantly oh

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let me tell you about the other side let me tell you how terrible they are.

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So you know this and this then the ripple effect goes into our schools and our children and always

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other you know narcissistic sports stars and you know singers and you know it's all about me and

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my money and my bitches and not about us you know it takes the village as they say you know.

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So you know the whole thing about this Taylor Swift I gotta be honest with you I haven't listened

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to one single song that girl's ever written it does not appeal to me that's old because I'm older

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than dirt I get it but I'm not interested in how much money she's made I really want to know what

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good have you done this is you know I think as I'm getting older and a little bit more wiser kind of

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thing you know and mellowing with my shit it's kind of like I look around and I think you know

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you just want to do a little bit of good just you know it doesn't hurt anybody it's a good feeling

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and so I want to know okay Taylor Swift what have you done that is good have you got a foundation

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where have you donated money you know I mean I don't want I'm not interested in you know that

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she closed down some LA or something that people parking houses nearby some big kerfuffle that was

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going on who gives a shit unless you live in that house then you're fucked sorry I want to go to

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you know that your upbringing again what had them an MMA champion Angela Lee who is extremely sad

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she herself had a suicide attempt that she kept quiet and then she ended up losing her younger

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sister to suicide both of them were may fires and you know hearing you know that just the

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heartbreaking journey that she'd been on she's become you know a voice now for mental health

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especially obviously in women but it was interesting because she is of Chinese heritage

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and you said earlier about doctors and lawyers and all that stuff there was an immense pressure

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for her in this particular field it was actually the martial arts so you know there her dad was an

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instructor and kind of living vicariously almost through his daughters and not that it was coming

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from malicious place but it ended up putting immense stress and you know I've heard a few

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people in in the Asian cultures talk about that that there's this expectation did you feel any

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kind of negative side of being expected to excel academically expected to possibly go into the

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medical field I hated it I absolutely hated that pressure that was unspoken unwritten you were just

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born into it you know I guess I have an older sister who's a nurse you know and it was a little

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strange in my household because my parents were quite progressive but I don't think they realized

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that and we didn't know that at the time unlike most Indian families and my mom had a succession

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of boys boys boys I've got like you know seven eight older seven older brothers I got a younger

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brother you know I've got one sister and she's like the second oldest and so like you would think

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that after having all these boys my parents would stop but my parents decided they wanted a daughter

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which is not the norm you know so they had me and yeah they there was that pressure of okay now

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surrender must become this and with the culture itself again back then James I mean when I sat in

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a car I wasn't allowed to look left or right I looked straight ahead because woe betide if I

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looked at some guy you know it was shitty I absolutely fucking hated it and the method of

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motivation was you know you came home with an a oh but so and so got an a plus you know and

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it scars a person it really does and I feel you know I think that well first of all I always knew

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I don't know how but I knew that I had been geographically born in the wrong country

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I knew that I never felt whole and I think and for a long time I thought that was also because my

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childhood was very strict and I was expected to have an arranged marriage and at one point I

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remember I felt like there was this kangaroo court that was held where I was told okay we found a guy

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and we're gonna bring him out from India and I'm thinking okay by the time you get this dude over

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here by the time he can say hello in English I'll be down a bar getting fucked up and that would be

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really bad and embarrassing for everybody involved you know so you know what I did instead of going

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down the bar to get drunk I packed my shit one night and I left I lived in my car for two weeks

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my parents disowned me my family disowned me and that went on for 10 plus years I had moved to

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another country I had you know I tried to communicate with them and they were not very

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much they weren't open to it but the thing is this you know we obviously got our shit together

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right you know just before I married my guy and you know I'd communicated got in touch with my

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sister we had started you know conversing again not that we weren't talking to each other but you

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know I just didn't have a lot to say I guess you know I was off doing my own thing and I was hearing

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about the other girls you know the other Indian girls at home you know Jasninder got married after

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Gupta and I thought god bless I mean this isn't god-awful thing to say but I used to think to

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myself you know you're gonna have to mate with that guy you know but yeah you know me and my

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sister kind of like stayed in touch anyway again my parents are old-fashioned right and I think by

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this point in the game I really I mean obviously I'd hurt them a tremendous amount I didn't do

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anything that I should have done you know I should I did children's TV I shouldn't have been on the

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TV how dare you be on TV people can see you you know because again in that culture you shouldn't

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be seen I was signed up by Marco Rossella which is Europe's largest model agency so my pictures

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were out a couple of times and that was oh my god I thought oh my god you know what I mean

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I couldn't understand it and I think I just was a bullheaded individual and I thought

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I just got to get out of here and it wasn't enough to get out of the house

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I had to leave the country you know and after I left the house I went into a very male dominated

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environment the restaurant industry at that time was run by a lot of male Pakistanis

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and Indians but girls didn't work in those environments and that's exactly where I went

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to work you know and these guys did not like me one single bit they made my life fucking hellish

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you know I got promoted within the chain of restaurants that I was working for and ended

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up becoming a manager but according to these guys I couldn't have become that manager unless I

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fucked the owner you know and then you know what happened I mean you know

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that little crazy gene in me I remember one day I found a photograph of myself after the Christmas

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party and one of the guys had drawn horns on my head like scratched him onto the photograph

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really just fucked up the picture right and I could feel it coming from my toes and I thought

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to myself enough is enough man and I remember this kid coming to work we only opened in the evening

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this kid walked into work he had to walk up the top of the stairs right one of the waiters

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when he got to the top of the stairs I walked around the corner and I just fucking punched

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him right in the mouth he fell all the way down the stairs the chef came in the chefs looking at

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me going you killed him you killed him and I think because my adrenaline was going and also

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because I was up the stairs and everybody's at the bottom of the stairs you know that just that

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me being at the top I remember I looked down and I went fucking pick him up clean his ass up or

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send him home get in the fucking kitchen we open in two hours don't fuck with me again and they

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didn't I'm surprised but you know the thing is it's it's it I had to get to that point so they

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would know okay you know she's fucking crazy because that was again just the the culture

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at that time and I keep saying at that time because I'm I'm pretty sure that in 2024

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it's a little bit more relaxed you know there's more understanding acceptance etc etc but that is

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what I grew up in you know and then I left that country and then that's when I moved to the

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Middle East and still moved to the Middle East without seeing my family you know and

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and that's why it was kind of like easy you know to reinvent yourself because for me it was easy to

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put it in the back of my mind close the little door and okay now you're in a new country now you

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forget you can forget all of that shit but you know the thing is and I've said this to somebody else

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the last two people I saw when I closed my eyes at night were my parents and they were the first

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two that I saw every morning and those 10 years that we did not communicate or I was just

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pigheaded that's time I didn't get back you know and but a crazy thing happened because of that

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you know coming from a large family when my parents passed away this for the longest time

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I had a lot of dislike towards God who or whoever whoever he is you know what I mean

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but when my father passed away I was in that room trying to save his life

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and I was there with a brother of mine and he's just me and my brother when that time came my

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mother passed away I was the one in that room again that had to say okay yeah that is the last

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breath and for the longest time I thought to myself how fucking dare you God after all of

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those 10 years why did you do this to me and it took me a long time to realize that

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that was a blessing that really was for me to be with both of my parents at such different times

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and to be able to hold their hand and to be able to say you know see you later whatever whatever

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do you know what I mean that's a blessing in disguise it took me a long time to realize that

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but yeah the and you know the other thing I realized is this they didn't know what they

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didn't know they're immigrants to a new country they want their kids to do good their only way of

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making sure they're motivated is to say oh you know just when they got an A plus they didn't know

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and even though it was shitty wouldn't change it for the world that upbringing had to change

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that upbringing has really served me well well I mean I'm glad I asked that question it's such a

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powerful story and it's amazing how many times that phrase they didn't know what they didn't know

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and when I when you know when you look back at early life like everyone that comes on here is a

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story you know the the one I just interviewed this morning he uh he tried to kill himself twice when

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he was 14 years old and ends up writing a letter to Richard Branson after this to kind of get

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himself on the path and if and recently he just met Richard Branson you know and he's standing

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there with him and he's you know doing extremely well he's got this program to get people off

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alcohol which I am starting day one today by the way um but that they you know they didn't know

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what they didn't know when you look back it separates between excuses you know the victim

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mentality but reasons and the reason that you felt the way you did was because of the parents but

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then what allows you to forgive and to let that go is realizing that your parents did the best

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they could at that moment you know whether it's someone deep in addiction or whatever you know

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whatever that looked like no parent wakes up saying I'm going to torment my child today unless

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they're completely you know fucking broken so I think that's is such a powerful term to to let

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go of that that shame and that guilt of whatever that looked like and you know I remember when my

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father was diagnosed with cancer I went home to visit and he was sitting in front of his little

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fireplace you know and I don't know what made me do this um I walked in I sat down and I looked at

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him and um I went hey you know something dad that I want to I just want to say that I am really sorry

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for all the shitty things I did as an Indian daughter you know um I know it really hurt you

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and I know it was a huge disappointment and my dad looked at me you know and he went you know

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something surrender out of everybody I knew you were the one that had to go off the rails

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but I also knew you'd get back on him he said and you have done really well and I think that

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that was that conversation those words were the first time I can remember my dad saying he

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proud of me you know um yeah it was um and then again like I said earlier I never gave the guy

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credit I mean he knew I had to go off the rails do you know what I mean and you you just grow up

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you just grow up and I look at my kids now and you know you try it you you learn from how you were

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parented you know like when my kids ask me for something the first thing I never say no straight

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away because that's all I ever got was a no you know I'm like okay well listen this is the deal

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you know and this is how we got to rock and roll um you just try and do better because you know a

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little better you know but those hard lessons James those hard lessons in the very beginning

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growing up with all those brothers you know where um you know I was frightened to fart in case it

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didn't smell right you know and you know and I mean I was cooking dinner at an early age I mean

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you know like I was the one with the house key and it was around my neck and so my mom would get up

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at four o'clock in the morning she'd make the tortillas chapatis for lunchtime wrap them up

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do my hair put two pence two pence is less than a less than a nickel I don't even know two pennies

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you know into a little handkerchief for my chocolate biscuit at school and then it was my

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job at the age of seven you know seven eight to get everybody else up in the morning it was my job

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to get home from school before the boys came home to heat up the dinner the lunch and then clean up

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the kitchen and then get back to school at the time I felt like you know Annie little Annie in

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the orphanage but again I will say this all of those lessons have served me really well over the

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years when it was just me myself and I so I thank my lucky stars that I was born to two people that

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just fucking kicked ass and did the right thing well I think that that just shows a resilience

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that can be drawn from struggle you know it's that simple but you've got to process it if you

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bury it down and you resentful and all these things it's going to eat you from the inside out

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but yeah if you can process that and have gratitude for it and say they did the best of what they

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could so therefore they tried then yeah then then I think that becomes a strength I really do

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like you I mean we know I never went without I never remember going without

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so I think at the end of the day that's all that really matters you know I took my dad's ashes

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to the river Ganges in India myself and my two brothers and my mom had said now remember until

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he goes to the till you put him into the water dad is with you so we booked another seat on

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the aircraft for the urn every time we ordered around a drinks we ordered around for my dad

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right my dad was a whiskey drinker by the time we fucking left Glasgow airport we were already

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drunk we did so many rounds and then somebody had to drink my dad's round so we you know but we took

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his ashes to the river Ganges and went to the Indian village where my father grew up

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and everybody there real basic stuff I ate carrots like real carrots you know the women still farm

378
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:51,440
with the cow patty and all the rest of it you know I did take some MREs from my husband you

379
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:55,600
know from yeah because I was like I better take some you don't know what's you know what's going

380
00:42:55,600 --> 00:43:03,360
on and those MREs the the oldest villager when we open those MREs and heat you know they have a

381
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:10,080
little plate inside the heat up kind of thing it was like magic it's like how do you get this meal

382
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:17,120
how do you get this meal out of this bag do you know what I mean but we took his ashes to the river

383
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:25,600
Ganges and it's crazy because you know it's a holy water but I've got to be honest with everybody's

384
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:29,680
going to be upset with me now every Indian is going to be upset with me now but listen we know

385
00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:37,440
it is really polluted it's dirty it's not clean only the mouth of the Ganges is clean and I

386
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:43,680
remember putting my dad's ashes into the river Ganges onto lily pads and I've actually got a

387
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:49,280
photograph of this I hugged one of my brothers and there's a lot of emotion on my face and then

388
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:55,280
after I finished hugging him I opened my eyes and there's a woman taking a bath in there guys taking

389
00:43:55,280 --> 00:44:00,800
a shit somebody scooping up water to take it home there's a dead body floating down I'm like whoa

390
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:08,800
whoa whoa people but and I will say this after all the years of living in the middle east this was

391
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:16,560
the first time I realized what blind faith is because there were people collecting water from

392
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:24,000
the river Ganges that they believed had healing properties you know see that kind of blind faith

393
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:32,880
it blows my mind it's crazy what did you see as far as the level of poverty coming from a developed

394
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:38,720
country and again I use that term not to be you know no no patronizing whatever but you know the

395
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:43,040
when we think of poverty and we need to eradicate what we think of poverty and we're going to get

396
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:49,120
to that in a minute as well but it doesn't hold a candle to the true poverty of the Philippines

397
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:57,680
and some of the African nations and East Asia as well yeah I mean there is you are either rich

398
00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:05,040
or you're poor and you're scraping you know and I think like a lot of countries obviously

399
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:11,520
Delhi has got a lot of wealth there where my parents came from

400
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:20,000
from a little village there is nothing there everybody like I said the women still farm the

401
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:28,640
fields they still milk the cow but I don't look at it like poverty it's really crazy because when

402
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:36,080
I was there again everything that we needed was there you know the advice my mom had given us and

403
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:42,880
my dad had always said this as well you know you have western stomachs so unless you catch the

404
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:49,200
chicken kill the chicken and you cook the chicken you may not your stomachs may not you know be the

405
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:59,600
same as the villagers kind of thing but it wasn't like poverty I know it's weird to say because

406
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:07,680
again you know everybody had a bed yes the restroom facilities were a little primitive but okay

407
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:14,160
you know there was yeah that I think the closer you got into and the same with every country the

408
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:21,840
closer you get into the city you see more poverty it's more shackle like you know people are just

409
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:26,400
putting up things and I don't know why that happens closer to cities maybe it's because

410
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:34,400
there's more people to beg from you know I don't think the poverty in India ever will come to an

411
00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:38,240
end either you know I don't think it'll ever get better you've got to change your mindset

412
00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:45,440
and that's the hardest thing to change I mean we see that even here you know the highest level

413
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:52,080
of homelessness is New York and San Francisco and you know there's a kind of basic mathematical

414
00:46:52,080 --> 00:46:57,760
element to it where you have all this space but you're cramming all these people in a small area

415
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:01,680
and then you know the price of that real estate goes up and it's just this kind of you know

416
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:07,920
devolution to homelessness and you know a lot of other mental health issues but when you know

417
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:13,200
because I agree completely when I'm thinking of poverty in India I'm thinking of near the

418
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:18,000
Ganges and all the slums and you know people live yeah trash piles and those kind of things

419
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:22,400
but I'm not thinking of the people who are living in the land that we've done that for millennia

420
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:27,920
yeah that's how most of us are supposed to live or a version of but it is it's when you see you

421
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:33,440
know whether it's Manila or wherever it is that's where you see this just devastating poverty and

422
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:38,240
just such filth you know like you said bodies and human feces and everything and the Ganges

423
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:43,840
and people are drinking it think it's gonna give them luck you know I was downtown San Diego

424
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:48,400
a couple of weeks ago and obviously you know that San Diego has a huge homeless problem

425
00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:53,920
and you hear about it on the news I and you know as you're driving on the freeway you know you

426
00:47:53,920 --> 00:48:01,440
you see some things but I was shocked as shit I was downtown San Diego was like a nine o'clock

427
00:48:01,440 --> 00:48:10,160
on a Wednesday morning and the homeless are being moved and they weren't being jostled or anything

428
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:16,160
like that but just the fact that these people had to get up get their personal belongings their

429
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:23,760
shopping cart whatever they had their worldly possessions get up and move like they were herded

430
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:30,400
and they just moved to like the next block to be honest with you and then the they came and cleaned

431
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:37,920
down the sidewalk and then it just went to the next block it was just it was horrific I mean

432
00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:45,440
these are humans you know and it's just like wow it's I felt kind of naive I thought wow

433
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:50,000
you know but this is what's going on.

434
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:55,280
I did a post today and I'm sure it pissed some people off but I've never really worried about

435
00:48:55,280 --> 00:49:00,480
that too much and it was actually Tupac Shakur talking and he's using colorful language and all

436
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:05,600
this stuff but the whole thing was you know we especially in the states you know and this is

437
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:10,400
just aiming the sites of religion for a second there's far more organizations that are also

438
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:15,600
responsible for this but for example we have these mega churches and this point was you know if you

439
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:19,840
spent half the money on you know built from building a church on the community actually

440
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:25,280
helping people you'd make a massive dent and it's true like I've had a lot of people on here

441
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:29,520
that have deep faith you know and I have a huge respect for them and they're on here because

442
00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:34,320
they're good people so they're one of you know arguably walk in the walk but

443
00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:38,880
in a country and I'll just pick Christianity because it's you know so prevalent certainly in

444
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:44,800
the places I've lived in America so far you have you know them walk into a church and I

445
00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:50,880
studied the bible when I was young too and then they'll come out and then they'll want the homeless

446
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:57,520
moved away and they'll say we're wasting Narcan on our you know addicts and to me it's like

447
00:49:57,520 --> 00:50:05,440
did you fucking learn nothing what Jesus or Krishna or you name your prophet was out there

448
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:10,560
in the community healing the people that needed it and yet you're singing your songs and you got

449
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:15,440
your little fish sticker on your car but you act like a fucking asshole the moment you leave your

450
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:20,640
synagogue or synagogue or temple you know whatever it is whatever the places that you worship

451
00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:26,800
and that's a massive disconnect that I see I think all those faiths have the common denominators are

452
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:32,400
absolutely the tenants of how we're supposed to evolve as human beings but I don't see people

453
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:36,160
walk in the walk people say what would Jesus do not what you just fucking did that's what he would

454
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:41,280
do it'd be out there anointing you know the poor and the weak and the sick and you know helping

455
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:44,960
the people that need it and then arguably the people that listen to this are doing that in

456
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:51,600
uniform but as a nation you know there's a demonization of immigrants and addicts and

457
00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:56,560
homeless and you know 17 percent of our homeless are veterans if I got that I think that's right

458
00:50:56,560 --> 00:51:02,640
you know so this is what drives me crazy is like there are these these holy books are guides

459
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:08,080
but it's also down to interpretation and if you're being a judgmental asshole

460
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:13,280
you need to look in the mirror and go am I truly understanding what Jesus is doing and

461
00:51:13,280 --> 00:51:18,160
I'm truly understanding what this faith is supposed to be trying to teach me and if you want

462
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:22,640
homeless people ushered away rather than going to yourself how can I become part of the solution

463
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:26,880
that we don't have homelessness in this country anymore then you've completely missed the fucking

464
00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:34,400
point you know I think my my dad said one day the you know they came around to collect some money

465
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:39,280
for the Indian temple and my dad is like fuck off and my mom's like no Ram you can't say that you've

466
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:42,080
got to give him money for the temple and my dad turned around and went do you think that's the

467
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:48,480
place God is in the temple do you think his dad sets foot outside he said you know so he's

468
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:54,720
everywhere I ain't giving no money and he didn't and I just remember you know where he said do you

469
00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:58,480
think he's just in the temple and I remember thinking well yeah you're right that that God's

470
00:51:58,480 --> 00:52:04,160
everywhere I mean you don't have to be inside a structure of some kind and I completely agree

471
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:10,080
with you because I had a conversation with somebody the other day and I don't like to get

472
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:15,040
into deep religious conversations with friends because sometimes it goes a little pear-shaped

473
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:20,560
you know and I just turned around and said hey listen let's just you know I think religion has

474
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:27,520
a lot to answer for you know it's created wars it's caused death I mean sometimes when I look at it

475
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:34,240
what really what good has come out of it because we all want to disagree with everybody else's

476
00:52:34,240 --> 00:52:40,400
religion you know what I mean sometimes we're not even respectful of each other's beliefs you know

477
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:47,840
and sometimes I think that going to church it's a lot of show it's the right

478
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:57,440
our world today is so fake that everybody has to you know every picture on Facebook

479
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:01,840
everybody's apparently doing the right thing or having fun and do you know what I mean so

480
00:53:01,840 --> 00:53:07,920
going to church is the right thing to do and I just think to myself listen if you're going to

481
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:13,040
church and you really are that good Christian and you believe and you do all that good stuff

482
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:24,000
you don't shout about it you just do it I mean you have some humility you know so yeah I know

483
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:28,240
like I said the person I was talking to you know one side of their mouth they were talking all

484
00:53:28,240 --> 00:53:32,720
godly and then the other side about addiction it was like well fucking you know can't they just

485
00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:39,280
and I went well obviously addicts can't just because if they could they would

486
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:47,520
you know you idiot well it's like their upbringing too like you know I've always said this like my

487
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:54,400
upbringing clearly gave me some tools to not become deep in addiction even though but I said I drink

488
00:53:54,400 --> 00:54:00,160
so there's one addiction right there but that combination allowed me to be who I am today in

489
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:05,440
the mental and physical health that I have but if I grew up in a different environment I could be

490
00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:11,280
dead now or I could be on the streets with a needle in my arm there but for the grace of God go I

491
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:16,880
you know so it's if you're judgmental you're missing the point right there and there's such

492
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:25,360
an overlap in goodness in all these these holy writings so the takeaway is don't be a dick that's

493
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:30,720
pretty much what they're all saying so if you're being a dick it doesn't matter if it's the Quran

494
00:54:30,720 --> 00:54:37,440
or the Torah or the Bible you're being a fucking dick so all the holy books are showing you how

495
00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:43,040
not to do it but if you're like oh but this is my version of heaven and yours is wrong again you're

496
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:48,480
missing the point it's that part that starts wars the faith the belief that the higher power

497
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:53,600
everyone agrees on it's the minutiae the little stories that you're telling each other that's

498
00:54:53,600 --> 00:55:00,400
creating such division yeah I agree with you there it's like how people interpret things you know

499
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:05,520
it's again I had a conversation and I don't you know there's not a lot of Indian people I know in

500
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:10,640
San Diego at all you know um but I was having a conversation with somebody and she said to me oh

501
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:15,280
what caste are you and you know and what religion are you and I went girlfriend I don't know what

502
00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:19,600
religion I am my dad always said if you can believe in yourself won't you believe in yourself

503
00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:24,800
then you can believe in something you cannot see do you know what I mean but you've got to believe

504
00:55:24,800 --> 00:55:30,400
in you if you don't believe in you then you're you're shit out of luck I said so I am the

505
00:55:30,400 --> 00:55:36,560
Sarindagu religion I believe in me and that's as far as it goes and um that's it man I you know

506
00:55:36,560 --> 00:55:42,240
yeah I try and like to dumb things down because they get really complicated and people there are

507
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:49,920
certain people that like that complicated lifestyle because they always want to debate something but

508
00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:56,960
never actually do anything yeah I hate the word debate I mean yeah it seems to be like the the

509
00:55:56,960 --> 00:56:03,120
you know the pinnacle of conversation and it's not let me try and prove to you why I'm right

510
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:06,640
how many times you ever seen come out of a debate go oh I've changed my mind completely

511
00:56:06,640 --> 00:56:11,040
yeah you made some very valid points thanks Steve no you just argue for an hour or two hours and

512
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:16,640
then walk away more pissed off and no one has really achieved anything you just show your ass

513
00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:25,840
you know something I actually went to a class about uh a class on how to how to argue you know

514
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:32,560
um how to argue effectively I guess because and one of the things the first thing that stuck out

515
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:38,240
that was totally me I admit it if I've had an argument with my husband while he's trying to

516
00:56:38,240 --> 00:56:46,480
transmit information to me I'm already thinking about my response so I've had to learn to like

517
00:56:46,480 --> 00:56:50,800
okay let's listen to what what's he's saying maybe it's worth the shit

518
00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:54,400
well I think the other thing that I found from this because I have people from you know if you're

519
00:56:54,400 --> 00:57:00,160
looking about politically all the way through to pretty much the extremes you know a spectrum of

520
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:08,320
different religions um you know gun philosophies that might be completely anti or I want a tank in

521
00:57:08,320 --> 00:57:14,960
my front room and everything in between but what I found is you start in the middle so you don't

522
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:20,240
debate you go where you agree and then you just kind of explore the walls and push them out a bit

523
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:26,000
and then when you hit like a you know a red zone you pull it back in again and that way you learn

524
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:32,720
from the 90 80 that you actually agree and you have a great conversation and if you think that

525
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:39,360
the only you know the only god is a christian god or you know I'll die with a fucking AK in my hand

526
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,880
you know I don't care about school shootings whatever the thing is if we can stay in the

527
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:48,880
middle we can learn from each other and get so much value but if you're just gonna die on the

528
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:55,360
AK hill or the you know ban every gun hill or whatever then yeah of course you're gonna argue

529
00:57:55,360 --> 00:58:00,800
and this is the thing so to me it's not about debating it's about how much can we agree on or

530
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:07,680
you know knowledge share before we can actually get to the bottom of it and then you know you

531
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:13,840
have to have a knowledge share before it becomes too emotional when it does you pull back into that

532
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:19,600
middle ground and you don't see that in politics at all you know oh we get it's a 10 percent

533
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:24,640
and everyone says it like well what the fuck do you actually stand for we have an obesity crisis

534
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:28,960
we have a mental health crisis our school system is fucking dog shit we have the worst healthcare

535
00:58:28,960 --> 00:58:34,000
system in the world what are you gonna do about that oh well let me tell you what the democrats

536
00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:38,800
or the republicans did so you actually don't even know what the fuck you're talking about

537
00:58:38,800 --> 00:58:43,680
that's why you're just doing this little trigger thing because you hope that 50 or 51 percent of

538
00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:53,200
people will vote for you it is insane how that works mentally you know I mean I've had conversations

539
00:58:53,200 --> 00:59:01,360
with people where they are basically repeating just what they've heard on tv but they don't really

540
00:59:01,360 --> 00:59:07,120
know anything about it you know and I think that because of the world we live in and I don't know

541
00:59:07,120 --> 00:59:14,560
how we got here I feel as though we're gonna have to go through this this jacked up time frame

542
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:22,720
to come out the other end but yeah if people took the 10 second rule like if politicians took that

543
00:59:22,720 --> 00:59:28,400
10 second rule that every parent says to their kid maybe they wouldn't come out with some stupid

544
00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:34,960
shit you know just as in humans if we all took the 10 second rule and just thought all right this is

545
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:42,800
what I'm about to say before you say it we wouldn't have half the problems and I think everybody's so

546
00:59:42,800 --> 00:59:52,320
hell bent on being right I'm right I said to somebody once I'm sorry but I personally don't

547
00:59:52,320 --> 01:00:00,160
believe that there is one person one person in the United States of America that has all the answers

548
01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:08,640
as to why we are where we are economically I don't think one person has that so you know and then I

549
01:00:08,640 --> 01:00:17,600
look at the two people there are and well that's a whole different podcast the lesser of two evils

550
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:24,560
that we get to experience out 330 million Americans every four years but you know the crazy thing is

551
01:00:24,560 --> 01:00:29,920
this and I've spoken to potential I've had a conversation with potential guests and I said

552
01:00:29,920 --> 01:00:36,000
to somebody once I said um oh no we didn't just fly to nice places you know we flew to some

553
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:43,040
shitholes as well you know you can't say shithole surrender you must be a trumpster I went why must

554
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:48,480
I be a trumpster and they went because you use the word shithole is that like an orange hamster

555
01:00:55,280 --> 01:01:04,560
it could be it is now it's whatever you want it to be um but I'm like okay now you can't have a

556
01:01:04,560 --> 01:01:11,840
conversation in your own vernacular without somebody just assuming something it's we've just

557
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:17,840
lost the plot it goes back to the racism thing with the ignorance that's where you found yourself

558
01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:23,440
the same and I saw it with covid and it it was so sad because I think a lot more normal people got

559
01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:30,400
dragged to the extreme but oh you're not wearing a mask oh you must be a republican like no maybe

560
01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:34,080
they're just a human being that works in the medical system that knows that your mask is absolute

561
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:40,160
bullshit it's possible too you know so it's just it's crazy but it just it screams ignorance the

562
01:01:40,160 --> 01:01:45,840
moment you're like oh you're a thing I don't like yeah because you're a thing as your dad said I'm

563
01:01:45,840 --> 01:01:48,960
just thinking your dad should have had his own podcast because he sounded like he was full of

564
01:01:48,960 --> 01:01:54,640
golden nuggets but you know you got to look at every single person individually and if you're

565
01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:59,840
tarring with the same brush well you know who did that the nazis well they were executing jews

566
01:01:59,840 --> 01:02:05,920
that's the kind of behavior that lends to so a community comes together and you know and and

567
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:10,800
figures out how to make the community better not standing in a world war one trench lobbing

568
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:16,320
grenades at each other no yeah you're right I mean when living in san diego again immigration is

569
01:02:16,320 --> 01:02:22,320
always a hot topic you know what I mean and I always go back and think about us as immigrants

570
01:02:22,320 --> 01:02:32,720
you know in Bilston and I I don't want to be that person that looked at me that way

571
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:40,640
you know because I still I still feel that I've I can still feel that look do you know what I mean

572
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:48,400
and I just think to do that to another human being is just not right so you know again

573
01:02:49,680 --> 01:02:56,880
I always think man all I care about first and foremost are my four walls I want to make sure

574
01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:04,160
I want to make sure my four walls are good you know um because I can't change everybody outside

575
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:10,560
of them you know so I make sure that I've you relay a good foundation or the best foundation

576
01:03:10,560 --> 01:03:20,640
we know for our children you know um again it's simple shit you know be kind have some humility

577
01:03:21,360 --> 01:03:25,920
you know be respectful there ain't nothing crazy everybody thinks it's so crazy but it's not it's

578
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:33,440
not crazy it's just really fucking simple you know like your profession you know firefighter

579
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:39,440
I grew up and my dad always said you know your policeman your firefighter um your teacher

580
01:03:40,240 --> 01:03:45,200
you know you have respect for these people you know they're in these kind of professions and

581
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:53,600
they save lives and they don't judge whose life is worth saving or not you know their job is to

582
01:03:53,600 --> 01:04:03,120
save lives nurses that's what they do you know um so again when I read or hear negative comments

583
01:04:03,120 --> 01:04:09,280
about first responders I think to myself you're a fucking dumb ass man because you those are the

584
01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:18,960
guys you're fucking gonna call you know and if you had the gonads that they have you'd be

585
01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:25,920
fucking doing something worth the shit you know what I mean yeah and I I support our law enforcement

586
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:31,120
community you know immensely but they also make mistakes and something happened to my wife a few

587
01:04:31,120 --> 01:04:35,200
days ago and I'm gonna do a video when I've got everything together and articulate it in a way

588
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:40,880
that's we need to change this and learn from this rather than you know negative but you know they

589
01:04:40,880 --> 01:04:46,160
also make mistakes and they handle things wrong sometimes but that's not the entire profession

590
01:04:46,160 --> 01:04:52,880
and it's down to how they hire how they train how they're given rest and recovery you know there's

591
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:59,280
a whole load of elements that contribute to that but the rhetoric again is back the blue thin blue

592
01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:04,560
line no cop can do anything wrong or or cops are fascists and they wake every day hoping that they'll

593
01:05:04,560 --> 01:05:10,480
kill an Indian person today and then the middle ground is like most police officers are amazing

594
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:15,600
selfless servants but there are some bad apples and then there are also some tragic accidents

595
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:20,880
as a result of terrible leadership and a domino effect of poor training and all those other things

596
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:25,920
so that's the reality but that's the nuanced conversation in the middle that will facilitate

597
01:05:25,920 --> 01:05:32,080
change the other two get you nowhere the same way as when we have a devastating shooting in our school

598
01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:37,360
there's no compassion and empathy it's like oh they're trying to take our guns oh we need to

599
01:05:37,360 --> 01:05:42,640
take all the guns and these poor families that had their fucking elementary school kids murdered

600
01:05:42,640 --> 01:05:48,480
are lost in the wash of look at me i'm an extremist i know it is

601
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:55,520
it's so heart-wrenching to me and you know again i tell people all the time

602
01:05:56,800 --> 01:06:02,400
you can't tar everybody with the same brush because there's one idiot i mean i remember going to work

603
01:06:02,400 --> 01:06:06,960
one morning when i had the coffee carts on the navy bases and it was four o'clock in the morning

604
01:06:06,960 --> 01:06:13,760
and i'm driving through a particular city to get to the base and i get pulled over by a policeman

605
01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:20,880
and he was a cocky son of a bitch and i you know and he looked at me and he went uh well he said

606
01:06:20,880 --> 01:06:27,120
what have you got in the trunk scud missiles oh my god and i looked at him and i went no actually

607
01:06:27,120 --> 01:06:33,440
i have 40 gallons of milk because i have a coffee cart on base that i need to get them to you know

608
01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:40,480
what i mean now when i was talking to my brother-in-law who is an attorney my brother-in-law

609
01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:46,160
turned around to me and he went you know that you can take legal action and i went yeah but what's

610
01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:52,960
the fucking point really the guy's an idiot you can't really take legal action against stupidity

611
01:06:53,680 --> 01:07:00,560
you know and i'm not willing to put all that time and effort into it it's really that fucking simple

612
01:07:00,560 --> 01:07:06,720
you know and whereas i know that you know people especially in cali are just so happy for sue this

613
01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:13,360
sue that you know he looked at me wrong sue him you know but yeah there's that one idiot cop

614
01:07:13,360 --> 01:07:19,360
that wanted to know if i had scud missiles yeah i mean seriously dude exactly and you know and

615
01:07:19,360 --> 01:07:24,400
again that's that ruins it now for all the other great officers in that city that pull you know

616
01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:28,080
happen to pull you over again i mean i had something happen with my son and it was the

617
01:07:28,080 --> 01:07:36,720
sro the school resource officer and the principal and there was a horrendous abuse of um of power

618
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:42,240
we're in that middle school at that time multiple times a week they were they were baker acting

619
01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:49,040
children like the the three-day psychological hold in a room where the shoelaces are taken

620
01:07:49,040 --> 01:07:52,800
and my son it happened to him and he was going through some stuff his mother was

621
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:57,120
in a kind of abusive relationship and you know he was having a natural reaction he was seeing the

622
01:07:57,120 --> 01:08:04,560
school counselor and this horrendous you know again i mean just fucking awful they kidnapped my child

623
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:10,080
and uh you know and they ended up changing the law because i was very public about it but there was

624
01:08:10,080 --> 01:08:14,400
you know movements way ahead of me i was just a tiny tiny little piece of the jigsaw puzzle

625
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:17,840
if they'd done what they did now they'd be in fucking prison for what they did said no no just

626
01:08:17,840 --> 01:08:24,560
my son but all these you know nine ten-year-olds um and it's hard because you know i still get

627
01:08:24,560 --> 01:08:30,240
kind of pseudo-triggered when i see law enforcement vehicles because there are so many good ones but

628
01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:35,280
when you have an interaction like what you had or what i had it does leave a lot of nasty taste in

629
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:39,760
your mouth and i just had something happen with my wife recently not as bad as that but still

630
01:08:40,320 --> 01:08:46,320
discovering a fucking abuse you know a massive gaping hole in the law that could lead to

631
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:51,120
you know rapes and murders and all kinds of stuff and uh the way it was handled the lack

632
01:08:51,120 --> 01:08:55,760
of compassion on that particular call was disgusting so i sit here and i advocate for

633
01:08:55,760 --> 01:09:00,400
this profession but when i see someone like that i drag it right into the fucking spotlight as

634
01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:04,800
well and be like this needs to be fixed because you are fucking ruining it for everyone else who

635
01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:12,000
wears a uniform yeah as it should be dragged into the the spotlight because again it's those

636
01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:21,520
individuals that give the rest you know a bad name yeah yeah so again and the other thing is

637
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:27,600
as well james i think to myself if people again just took a second just take a second and realize

638
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:36,480
that not every person is like that in that profession or that because you know there's

639
01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:42,160
you know there's people when i was growing up used to say all of this particular race were the same

640
01:09:42,160 --> 01:09:48,320
and all of that particular race are the same and i used to think now i know now it's just people

641
01:09:48,320 --> 01:09:57,680
are individuals there are some things that i think are inherent in custom and culture that may be to

642
01:09:57,680 --> 01:10:06,960
the western eye seeing people are like you know i don't like that but um yeah some things i think

643
01:10:06,960 --> 01:10:17,040
are inherent and they get misconstrued that it's wrong like arranged marriages right i i of course

644
01:10:17,040 --> 01:10:24,720
did not have an arranged marriage um but i don't think there's anything wrong with them one member

645
01:10:24,720 --> 01:10:34,800
of actually two members two of my uh family members had an arranged marriage and they are still with

646
01:10:34,800 --> 01:10:40,800
that individual and one of them i'm talking like 50 years the rest of us and well i'm only been

647
01:10:40,800 --> 01:10:47,760
married once this is my marriage but the others were a little bit you know not so good so but i

648
01:10:47,760 --> 01:10:52,000
still believe in arranged marriages it's like yeah i mean i'm not gonna say they're shitty they work

649
01:10:52,000 --> 01:10:58,960
for some people just wasn't gonna work for me absolutely well you mentioned san diego i just

650
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:05,680
want to hit barrain before we get into the navy um when you look back at that what was some of the

651
01:11:05,680 --> 01:11:12,000
highs and lows of barrain itself and the culture and then talk to me about any kind of career

652
01:11:12,000 --> 01:11:19,680
stories of your time working in the airlines as well um i see barrain i don't at that time a very

653
01:11:19,680 --> 01:11:28,480
cosmopolitan place um i did not have any issues although i will say i didn't have any issues

654
01:11:28,480 --> 01:11:33,760
obviously because of color of my skin i think i blended in quite well um but i think it was

655
01:11:33,760 --> 01:11:40,800
also obvious that i was an indian from a western country you know not from india and i remember

656
01:11:40,800 --> 01:11:47,760
one day um my punjabi is very good my hindi is good my arabic kind of like you know languages if

657
01:11:47,760 --> 01:11:52,480
you don't use them you lose them kind of deal you know um but and then most of the laborers over

658
01:11:52,480 --> 01:11:58,400
there were indian or pakistani and i remember walking down to the marketplace one day um with

659
01:11:58,400 --> 01:12:03,280
my girlfriends and i dressed conservatively i've never been you know one of those one of the you

660
01:12:03,280 --> 01:12:08,800
know i've never been that kind of gal right um and we're walking down the marketplace and this

661
01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:16,080
indian laborer turns around to his friends as i'm walking by and he goes did you see the size of her

662
01:12:16,080 --> 01:12:23,120
tits and i was like i turned around i went what what did you just say to me in indian i said what

663
01:12:23,120 --> 01:12:27,040
did you just say about me don't you know i'm somebody's daughter somebody's sister shame on

664
01:12:27,040 --> 01:12:33,280
you and the guy was shocked that i could speak the lingo i was like yeah motherfucker don't talk

665
01:12:33,280 --> 01:12:41,120
about me like that but um i didn't have any issues over there and i don't know of any of my western

666
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:49,120
girlfriends that had any issues over there i loved barrain nice little island joined uh to saudi by a

667
01:12:49,120 --> 01:12:56,880
causeway and um hot very hot obviously the thing i you know some of the things that i did like was

668
01:12:56,880 --> 01:13:03,280
they took a siesta in the afternoon because it was so hot you know so that was pretty cool um it was

669
01:13:03,280 --> 01:13:11,360
a very easy lifestyle i we had a lovely concierge guy who'd run out and get us a six pack hey can

670
01:13:11,360 --> 01:13:16,880
you go get me some apples i mean the guy was awesome you know so it was a very easy lifestyle

671
01:13:16,880 --> 01:13:23,120
and when i think about it they paid you to be there they paid you when you were working and then

672
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:27,760
when you were down route in a different country they you know they gave you the currency of the

673
01:13:27,760 --> 01:13:34,960
country to go get food i mean i'm talking i'm in my 20s you know i think i'm hot shit i'm flying

674
01:13:34,960 --> 01:13:43,600
everywhere yeah i am loving life loving life and um that was my first interaction with the the u.s

675
01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:51,360
military as well you know um i remember a girlfriend rushed into me once and um she was like hey we've

676
01:13:51,360 --> 01:13:55,200
got to go out tonight we've got to go out tonight i went why what's going on tonight oh there's a

677
01:13:55,200 --> 01:14:01,600
bunch of navy seals navy seals and i went well i don't fucking know what i said i don't even

678
01:14:01,600 --> 01:14:07,040
fucking know what a navy seal is and couldn't give a shit um i said i'm fine kind of thing but i was

679
01:14:07,040 --> 01:14:12,000
a bit of a hustler you know like we had a local bar that we'd go to and i'd say to the barman

680
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:18,320
hey listen when i drink tonight i just want sambuca and don't put any beans on it and don't light it

681
01:14:18,320 --> 01:14:22,560
because really it's going to be water because i'm going to hustle so i'd be hustling guys at the bar

682
01:14:22,560 --> 01:14:27,920
i'm like i can drink you under the bar but we got to drink sambuca and i'd be doing shots of water

683
01:14:27,920 --> 01:14:36,320
and they'd be getting a lick of um that was yeah it was it was a great place to be it really was

684
01:14:36,320 --> 01:14:42,800
there was nothing wrong with that island like i said it gave me an opportunity to see the world

685
01:14:43,920 --> 01:14:50,640
to uh to have some humility because i didn't realize how much i had you know you take things

686
01:14:50,640 --> 01:14:58,400
for granted and then you go to places where hotels are running generators you know um and you realize

687
01:14:58,400 --> 01:15:03,280
that you look at poverty and that's when you think okay you know i'm lucky son of a gun

688
01:15:04,320 --> 01:15:11,600
and then i also worked for his royal highness on um his flights which um which were

689
01:15:13,280 --> 01:15:19,760
awesome i had the the best time and you know the crazy thing is i never know why he picked me

690
01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:28,160
i mean i am ten a penny over there you know his crew were white blonde hair blue-eyed

691
01:15:28,800 --> 01:15:30,720
and then little old crazy brown lady

692
01:15:33,840 --> 01:15:38,320
you know and i was the only one that ever called him jack i said to him one day i said hey jack

693
01:15:39,280 --> 01:15:43,280
this is not you know i don't like this that or the other do you know what i mean

694
01:15:43,280 --> 01:15:52,080
but i had a great relationship with him um he was a lovely lovely man and i remember he was in a

695
01:15:52,080 --> 01:16:02,160
meeting with kofi and an and um took a heart attack and died and that was the year that i was

696
01:16:02,160 --> 01:16:09,840
getting married um stateside because i remember thinking you son of a gun what now now they've

697
01:16:09,840 --> 01:16:14,080
now they've closed down the airport how am i how's my maid of honor gonna get out

698
01:16:15,520 --> 01:16:21,360
because they closed down barrain airport for a period of time um but thankfully um yeah my

699
01:16:21,360 --> 01:16:27,360
friends could come and visit um so that was pretty cool and i would say to anybody i say to my own

700
01:16:27,360 --> 01:16:34,240
kids hey get out of the house go visit some places just go and check out what's happening the other

701
01:16:34,240 --> 01:16:40,400
side of the world you might be surprised with what you learn you know and i loved being a flight

702
01:16:40,400 --> 01:16:44,800
attendant you know the worst i think the worst thing about being a flight attendant i don't know

703
01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:51,920
if i should say this there was a guy i remember that jacked off in the toilets in economy and um

704
01:16:51,920 --> 01:16:54,000
was he thinking about first class when he was doing it

705
01:16:54,000 --> 01:17:00,560
yeah because i can relate to that i had to walk through it the other night you see

706
01:17:04,480 --> 01:17:08,240
you know he couldn't have been thinking about much because you know when they say a teaspoon this

707
01:17:08,240 --> 01:17:19,120
was half right but i i distinctly saw the blotch right and um my position was l3 i knew flight

708
01:17:19,120 --> 01:17:26,320
attendant l meaning lavatory i was the shitter cleaner and i just thought uh no i gotta have a

709
01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:31,040
line and i had to go walk up to him and i tapped him on the shoulder gave him some tissues and i

710
01:17:31,040 --> 01:17:37,680
went go clean it up i'm not picking i'm not i'm not doing that he went what what i went yeah i know

711
01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:44,320
it's difficult to see because it was just a dribble but it's there do i need to pull the blue light out

712
01:17:44,320 --> 01:17:51,920
for you yeah let's see how let's see what your imagination is like shall we um so yeah i was

713
01:17:51,920 --> 01:17:56,160
like no there's got to be a line in every job that you do i think there has to be

714
01:17:57,440 --> 01:18:05,280
it's got to be a line i mean you know i get it um you know there's things in every job that you

715
01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:12,240
do that you don't like but i'm just not wiping somebody's jack off residue from a restroom

716
01:18:12,240 --> 01:18:18,960
i think that's a fair enough line to put on a job application and i also remember once the flight

717
01:18:18,960 --> 01:18:24,960
the supervisor said to me you're landing into india and she said um sarinda can you make the

718
01:18:24,960 --> 01:18:30,240
announcement please and it was like my first time so i was like you know getting all ready and

719
01:18:30,240 --> 01:18:36,720
everything made a perfect landing announcement the time now is blah blah blah blah finished the

720
01:18:36,720 --> 01:18:42,560
announcement she calls me down the back and she goes um great now can you say it in indian

721
01:18:45,360 --> 01:18:48,160
i was like oh yeah that's right that would be good wouldn't it

722
01:18:50,240 --> 01:18:55,760
well you mentioned that navy seals before so talk to me about meeting your husband and how you found

723
01:18:55,760 --> 01:19:04,800
yourself in san diego well i a roommate of mine a strange story a roommate of mine um

724
01:19:04,800 --> 01:19:12,720
met a team guy met a navy seal um in barrain and they dated and um she ended up moving to coronado

725
01:19:12,720 --> 01:19:19,520
and moving in with him um and so i came over to visit with another girlfriend of mine

726
01:19:20,080 --> 01:19:26,160
and i was out in a bar one night shocker and while i was in there this guy walks in and i

727
01:19:26,160 --> 01:19:32,160
remember looking at this guy and doing a double take thinking this dude is fucking hot right

728
01:19:32,160 --> 01:19:38,080
um totally you know six foot five blonde hair built like a brick shit house i thought you are

729
01:19:38,080 --> 01:19:43,520
my guy i gotta have uh and he walked into that bar he was with some other chick um so i was very

730
01:19:43,520 --> 01:19:54,640
respectful um but he was actually the roommate of the guy that she met um so that's how i met him we

731
01:19:54,640 --> 01:20:03,040
had this long distance thing um obviously i knew about that community from my girlfriend um

732
01:20:04,000 --> 01:20:09,920
and we had this long distance thing and then he said to me um what do you think about moving over

733
01:20:10,640 --> 01:20:13,760
little did he know i was already packing my shit

734
01:20:16,560 --> 01:20:22,400
no i wasn't i wasn't but i was like you know it was the first guy i ever met i can honestly say

735
01:20:22,400 --> 01:20:30,080
this the first guy i ever met that i thought okay now that's the guy that's the guy because i was

736
01:20:30,080 --> 01:20:36,080
never one of these girls that dated i mean in the airlines it was a it was a joke you know and you

737
01:20:36,080 --> 01:20:41,360
get on board a flight and you'd go somebody go are you seeing somebody and i'd go no i'm not

738
01:20:41,360 --> 01:20:45,520
i mean i don't know where in the relationship one is promoted to boyfriend or girlfriend

739
01:20:46,080 --> 01:20:48,800
i've never promoted anybody i've never said you are now my boyfriend

740
01:20:48,800 --> 01:20:54,800
i've never promoted anybody i've never said you are now my boyfriend um so i used to say to people

741
01:20:54,800 --> 01:21:02,320
well you know it's five girls to every guy on the island i think that was the ratio so yeah you might

742
01:21:02,320 --> 01:21:05,520
have had a boyfriend when you walked out the apartment but there's no guarantee that's going

743
01:21:05,520 --> 01:21:09,120
to be your boyfriend when you fly back in do you know what i mean i mean that's just the way that

744
01:21:09,120 --> 01:21:14,080
shit rolled you know so i just never put myself into a situation where i was emotionally involved

745
01:21:14,080 --> 01:21:22,720
to be honest with you but the minute i saw my guy i just thought wow i mean yeah fucking hot shit

746
01:21:23,360 --> 01:21:28,960
still today after 25 years somebody asked me recently especially with him being in that

747
01:21:28,960 --> 01:21:35,760
community and marriage is not lasting very long um you know how do we do it

748
01:21:35,760 --> 01:21:43,600
i don't think there's any secret i i knew who i married and he knew who he married

749
01:21:44,560 --> 01:21:52,160
and we have not tried to change each other you know of course there's shit about him i don't like

750
01:21:52,160 --> 01:22:00,000
and i'm sure there's shit about me that he doesn't like but i think just just not trying to change

751
01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:05,840
each other i like the guy i met you know that's the guy i want to be with i don't want him to be

752
01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:16,800
somebody different 25 years later you know um but yeah he he's a he is a good man now listen if

753
01:22:16,800 --> 01:22:20,240
you're listening to this good you always say i never say good shit about you i'm saying good

754
01:22:20,240 --> 01:22:28,640
shit about you right now yeah he's a he's a he's a good man he's he's definitely the guy i need in

755
01:22:28,640 --> 01:22:34,480
my life because i'm like a bull in a china shop and he's that guy where he's like okay stop

756
01:22:35,680 --> 01:22:40,160
just let's let's just have a look at some stuff here before we just go on in do you know what i

757
01:22:40,160 --> 01:22:48,400
mean um and he is the quintessential quintessential quiet humble operator

758
01:22:50,960 --> 01:22:57,840
i asked my friend ryan parrot in seal team seven um about your husband um because i mean again as

759
01:22:57,840 --> 01:23:02,400
you said he's still in that community he's still very much the you know the gray man the quiet

760
01:23:02,400 --> 01:23:08,240
professional but ryan immediately it was like he was such an incredible leader like he was quiet

761
01:23:08,240 --> 01:23:14,160
but you know he he walked the walk so there's definitely a huge sense of admiration from within

762
01:23:14,160 --> 01:23:20,800
the teams when it comes to him as a leader yeah you know i i said i gave a talk recently and i

763
01:23:20,800 --> 01:23:26,960
said at the end of my talk uh to military spouses i said i know this is gonna sound a little gay to

764
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:39,680
you but um i you know when you're with the right partner i think when you learn from them you know

765
01:23:40,240 --> 01:23:48,080
and i have learned a great deal from my guy and again i don't give him you know i'm a i'm a wife

766
01:23:48,080 --> 01:23:55,120
i don't give him all the credit that that i should you know what i mean um but yeah he

767
01:23:55,120 --> 01:24:02,080
he i am incredibly proud to have his last name yeah you said about not changing each other this

768
01:24:02,080 --> 01:24:08,080
is something that i've observed um i mean you know most of most of my life so i i my first marriage

769
01:24:08,080 --> 01:24:13,040
i met someone you know it was it was very it was all in at the beginning you know i became a

770
01:24:13,040 --> 01:24:20,240
firefighter so she didn't marry a firefighter there was a change but it you know sadly it

771
01:24:20,240 --> 01:24:25,920
it didn't work there was a you know an extra marital relationship on her side which i have no

772
01:24:26,480 --> 01:24:31,840
you know ill feeling about at all and way way past that i'm remarried but when i did the whole

773
01:24:31,840 --> 01:24:36,880
online dating thing for a bit absolute shit show was like one of those montages from a comedy film

774
01:24:36,880 --> 01:24:42,000
and i was probably the one that was the shit show to be honest but um but then i met my wife and it

775
01:24:42,000 --> 01:24:48,400
was i was just same thing like as soon as i cast eyes on her i'm like wow and then when you know

776
01:24:48,400 --> 01:24:56,160
we started talking she just had the same you know broken brain that i did like the way she thinks

777
01:24:56,160 --> 01:25:02,560
and her humor was just like like you know soul mate and she has grown like she's literally i'm

778
01:25:02,560 --> 01:25:05,440
i'm not in the house at the moment because the last three and a half years she's been in

779
01:25:05,440 --> 01:25:10,800
medical school being an optometrist and she started when she was 40 so just this constant

780
01:25:10,800 --> 01:25:14,480
growth and when i met her she'd lost her previous boyfriend to suicide and he was on the phone to

781
01:25:14,480 --> 01:25:18,960
her when he did it so you know she was she was dealing with that i was dealing with divorce

782
01:25:18,960 --> 01:25:24,800
so we had to heal together as well but what i've realized is that there's that kind of two becomes

783
01:25:24,800 --> 01:25:30,400
one thing with some relationships and they kind of morph and therefore they lose that identity

784
01:25:30,960 --> 01:25:38,320
and i always say you fell in love with the person that haven't met you yet so the further you get

785
01:25:38,320 --> 01:25:42,480
away from that that person with their hopes and their dreams and you know hopefully that their

786
01:25:42,480 --> 01:25:47,760
physical fitness and all these other things the more chance there is of it not working anymore

787
01:25:47,760 --> 01:25:51,840
and that comes you know from first responders like if we're allowing the job to consume us and we're

788
01:25:51,840 --> 01:25:56,880
never home that's part of this conversation if we allow you know weight gain that kind of thing

789
01:25:56,880 --> 01:26:01,360
you know that's part of that conversation because if the person fell in love with you when you were

790
01:26:01,360 --> 01:26:07,120
this particular size you know you're you're leaning away from that again so i think it's

791
01:26:07,120 --> 01:26:10,800
a really important optic when it comes to relationships i'm not saying i'm an expert

792
01:26:10,800 --> 01:26:17,040
by any means but you know having seen the previous one and now this one is i'm still the same person

793
01:26:17,840 --> 01:26:21,120
that went on that first date and so is she we've evolved we've grown

794
01:26:21,680 --> 01:26:27,440
yeah we haven't lost those two identities yeah i made it very clear to my husband at the very

795
01:26:27,440 --> 01:26:33,120
beginning i said there's a couple of things i think you need to know about me um you know most of my

796
01:26:33,120 --> 01:26:38,000
friends throughout my life have been males uh it's just the way it is i ain't got time for

797
01:26:38,000 --> 01:26:43,120
bullshit i don't like gray and sometimes i like to go out get drunk and fall down without any judgment

798
01:26:44,960 --> 01:26:48,640
i said you know the other thing is if i cannot be

799
01:26:49,600 --> 01:26:57,040
surrender i'm i can't be a good wife and i can't be a good mom you know and i can't be a good

800
01:26:57,040 --> 01:27:07,360
business professional if i lose me then nothing works and i and he said well there's a couple

801
01:27:07,360 --> 01:27:16,160
of things you need to know and i said what's that he said um my priorities are us navy us navy sales

802
01:27:17,200 --> 01:27:28,080
my career and um i understood that very clearly and i accepted that and as i give talks to

803
01:27:28,080 --> 01:27:36,480
military spouses about the transition there are some things that i feel we need to remind ourselves

804
01:27:36,480 --> 01:27:43,520
also you know um like a spouse had asked me recently she said you know well when he's

805
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:49,760
how do you deal with deployments uh when he's on r and r you know he's giving me a call and

806
01:27:49,760 --> 01:27:54,800
he's all been all fucked up and you know i'm at the pyramids or wherever he is she said and i feel

807
01:27:54,800 --> 01:28:02,160
like he's on a on some fucking vacation and um i went well first of all it is important that you

808
01:28:02,160 --> 01:28:09,680
know that r and r is incredibly essential for the service member you gotta have it you gotta have a

809
01:28:09,680 --> 01:28:16,000
little break i said is that your husband sitting behind you she went yes i went hey dude real simple

810
01:28:16,000 --> 01:28:22,240
don't fucking call her when you're on r and r simple you know because i get it you're on a bit

811
01:28:22,240 --> 01:28:28,320
of a high as you know you have a couple of drinks or whatever you know and then you call home you

812
01:28:28,320 --> 01:28:33,920
know the best thing you can probably do is maybe venmo her 100 bucks who gives a shit if it's the

813
01:28:33,920 --> 01:28:39,760
same account venmo word 100 bucks and say hey look man i am going on some r and r this weekend

814
01:28:39,760 --> 01:28:49,040
why don't you get yourself some problem resolved you know as spouses we wait i have waited

815
01:28:49,040 --> 01:28:57,520
26 years for my husband to be my husband and even now he's not my husband is still within that

816
01:28:57,520 --> 01:29:04,480
community you know but that community is very much a part of him it doesn't define him but he's

817
01:29:04,480 --> 01:29:10,160
you know it's it's a part of you did it for 30 years so i get it and he's happy there you know um

818
01:29:11,440 --> 01:29:17,280
you so again after all of these years there's an element of conditioning that takes place

819
01:29:17,280 --> 01:29:25,200
i know that you know and i want nothing more than him to be at home so i have to take that 10 second

820
01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:34,560
rule and shut up before i'm about to fucking lambast him because you know i wanted him home

821
01:29:34,560 --> 01:29:41,760
and i remind spouses all the time look it's not lost upon me and it's not lost upon me james

822
01:29:41,760 --> 01:29:48,000
after 30 years of serving as a team guy i've experienced 14 deployments and i don't know how

823
01:29:48,000 --> 01:29:53,040
many fucking exercises that he's been on but after those many years and those many deployments

824
01:29:53,680 --> 01:30:03,040
i have him you know my family is a unit there's so many guys did not come back in all branches

825
01:30:03,040 --> 01:30:09,280
you know so again as humans i think we just need to take a little bit of a step back and thank al

826
01:30:09,280 --> 01:30:13,840
lucky stars and you know and i tell spouses the other side of the coin is this hey listen man it

827
01:30:13,840 --> 01:30:18,880
ain't all fucking doom and gloom i know every thursday night i can sit in the man room when he's

828
01:30:18,880 --> 01:30:24,160
on a deployment and i can watch the real housewives of any fucking city i want to without my husband

829
01:30:24,160 --> 01:30:30,880
going what you watching that shit for you know so you know your house is organized your kids are

830
01:30:30,880 --> 01:30:37,280
organized you do become very selfish because you come become a control freak it's a manly thing

831
01:30:37,280 --> 01:30:43,360
you come become a control freak it's my house my schedule and then they come back into it and you're

832
01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:54,160
like what the fuck dude you know um but you know i married into it i knew what i was marrying i

833
01:30:54,160 --> 01:31:03,600
um have supported him in the best ways that i possibly can and it's all good shit man i mean

834
01:31:03,600 --> 01:31:11,920
it's all good you know do you have any routines or any any things that you do prior to him deploying

835
01:31:11,920 --> 01:31:16,880
and then that homecoming because like it's amazing we don't really think about it my profession

836
01:31:16,880 --> 01:31:24,560
i was gone usually 24 hours so you know my my wife is a single parent you know and on her own for

837
01:31:24,560 --> 01:31:29,360
that time but it's not weeks at a time the wildland community is a lot more like the military

838
01:31:29,360 --> 01:31:34,240
still not months and months but you know they can be gone for weeks and uh one of my friends

839
01:31:34,240 --> 01:31:38,240
amanda marsh is talking about that the transition of a husband coming home when she's been

840
01:31:38,720 --> 01:31:43,760
you know doing the stables and the house and all the other things on her own so are there any things

841
01:31:43,760 --> 01:31:49,120
that you did prior and post that you think helped ease the transition out or back

842
01:31:49,120 --> 01:31:56,320
i'm trying to think here because again it helps that we are both very independent

843
01:31:56,880 --> 01:32:03,840
people that can come together in a partnership um when i would drop him off and again my business

844
01:32:03,840 --> 01:32:08,160
is on base as well for many years so i'd be driving to work and maybe he'd be pulling out

845
01:32:08,160 --> 01:32:13,840
you know what i mean um i i never liked that i never said goodbye you know i dropped him off at

846
01:32:13,840 --> 01:32:21,520
work he was that guy that was going to be the first guy there you know um i would just make sure

847
01:32:21,520 --> 01:32:25,760
that we didn't argue i think as a spouse that sometimes is your big thing you don't want to

848
01:32:25,760 --> 01:32:31,760
argue because you don't want them leaving you know because i say this to spouses as well i think it's

849
01:32:31,760 --> 01:32:37,920
got to be really really difficult for the service member to leave because we still have our home

850
01:32:37,920 --> 01:32:44,960
comforts they do not you know what i mean so and there's got to be that thought in their mind

851
01:32:46,240 --> 01:32:51,440
about coming back you know am i going to come back and will i be you know that has to go through

852
01:32:51,440 --> 01:32:55,440
because it goes i mean it's gone through my mind a couple of times you know when he's been away

853
01:32:55,440 --> 01:33:00,560
but and then i just it's mind over matter for me and i my only thinking is he's coming back

854
01:33:01,280 --> 01:33:06,480
there ain't no gray in my head he's coming back he's coming back he's coming back he's coming back

855
01:33:06,480 --> 01:33:10,960
there ain't no gray in my head he's fucking coming back you know um i think there was

856
01:33:12,400 --> 01:33:18,320
once we had children the dynamics changed a little a little um because then leading up to deployment

857
01:33:18,320 --> 01:33:24,160
you know we would um fill in the kids you know let them know we never lied to them dad's going on a

858
01:33:24,160 --> 01:33:30,800
deployment you know he's going to be away for a long time um but the coming back i mean the coming

859
01:33:30,800 --> 01:33:36,560
back is always always beautiful you know but then my guy was always that guy as well he was going

860
01:33:36,560 --> 01:33:43,600
to be the last one that um you know made sure all that shit was looked after whatever shit had to be

861
01:33:43,600 --> 01:33:50,880
looked after do you know what i mean and then i'd pick him up from the the base and um or the airport

862
01:33:50,880 --> 01:33:56,480
and you know it's weird i've got to be honest it's weird your guy is coming home it's been six seven

863
01:33:56,480 --> 01:34:03,520
months i hated picking him up from san diego airport because you're in public you know and

864
01:34:03,520 --> 01:34:09,200
it's just like people are looking and you know and yeah and you know i just wanted to be cool i didn't

865
01:34:09,200 --> 01:34:15,600
want to be like oh welcome home do you know what i mean you know so sometimes it's a little bit

866
01:34:15,600 --> 01:34:22,000
awkward it's a little awkward in the beginning it is you know um but i do one on one of the deployments

867
01:34:22,000 --> 01:34:29,040
um i'm gonna give a shout out to the cbs god bless the cbs because they came over and they fucking

868
01:34:29,040 --> 01:34:36,240
gutted my garage chief cain dan cain you are the bomb.com they gutted my garage and they built

869
01:34:36,240 --> 01:34:44,080
the best fucking man cave ever and i found all of my husband's old pictures from birds and all the

870
01:34:44,080 --> 01:34:50,320
rest of it and i put him into frames the whole nine yards you know and he came home that night

871
01:34:50,320 --> 01:34:56,080
you know um and it was late we walked walked into the man cave and he nearly shot a load because

872
01:34:56,080 --> 01:35:02,160
he was like what the fuck look at this a whole teaspoon whole tea not actually two teaspoons

873
01:35:03,840 --> 01:35:10,080
um but now you know it was great so yeah and i think coming back the other thing is it's hard

874
01:35:11,440 --> 01:35:19,920
and i'm gonna be honest and i know spouses out there gonna understand sometimes for a few

875
01:35:19,920 --> 01:35:27,600
for a female the argument or discussion you are having prior to the deployment you've put it

876
01:35:27,600 --> 01:35:33,760
underneath the carpet because you don't you don't want them to leave you know unhappy and you you

877
01:35:33,760 --> 01:35:40,800
know then they come back for you maybe the argument or discussion hasn't there hasn't been closure

878
01:35:41,920 --> 01:35:46,560
but for them because it's a guy thing isn't it you're away it's all right i'm coming home

879
01:35:46,560 --> 01:35:52,400
problem solve what happened nothing happened we don't even fucking remember um whereas sometimes

880
01:35:52,400 --> 01:36:00,160
it's a little hard when you know your partner does remember and so i have no shame in saying

881
01:36:00,800 --> 01:36:04,960
that sometimes coming back from a deployment and now through the transition that sometimes

882
01:36:04,960 --> 01:36:10,160
there's a little resentment you know there's a little resentment hey man i fucking had our

883
01:36:10,160 --> 01:36:16,400
first kid by us myself you know um you weren't here when my dad passed you know you weren't around

884
01:36:16,400 --> 01:36:22,960
my mom passed you know kind of thing um or you weren't available at certain times so you do get

885
01:36:22,960 --> 01:36:30,160
that little bit of resentment and what i've realized is i can i can tell him i can say hey look that

886
01:36:30,160 --> 01:36:35,360
fucking sucked for me because he doesn't know what i was going through because you you you everything's

887
01:36:35,360 --> 01:36:43,440
good man every phone call home are you good shit's good you know you don't tell him you keep it to

888
01:36:43,440 --> 01:36:48,000
yourself but it's nice to be able to say hey look these times were tough because how else is he

889
01:36:48,000 --> 01:36:53,440
gonna know and it's not to make him feel guilty it's just so he knows hey yeah this shit happened

890
01:36:53,440 --> 01:36:58,560
and you know and that shit happened it's a handover it's a good handover and if you deliver it

891
01:36:58,560 --> 01:37:06,480
correctly without it coming across like oh you weren't here when this happened because they can't

892
01:37:06,480 --> 01:37:15,680
be there it's not his fault you know so and then you know you just i think with my guy it's always

893
01:37:15,680 --> 01:37:22,880
been easy i've been real fortunate he comes home he has his dip has a couple of silver bullets we're golden

894
01:37:22,880 --> 01:37:29,040
brilliant a powerful perspective yeah i want to just shift to something that we talked about last

895
01:37:29,040 --> 01:37:35,760
time we spoke which is uh i think an area that most of us really just weren't aware of so talk

896
01:37:35,760 --> 01:37:41,360
to me about the financial instability of some of these military families while their loved ones are

897
01:37:41,360 --> 01:37:50,800
deploying elsewhere yeah it's um it really gives me a heavy heart to even think about it just because

898
01:37:50,800 --> 01:37:56,240
gives me a heavy heart to even think about it james but as i've started my podcast and i've been out

899
01:37:56,240 --> 01:38:04,640
there in the community just talking to you know spouses service members san diego the junior

900
01:38:04,640 --> 01:38:14,080
enlisted in san diego are finding it very are finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meet

901
01:38:14,080 --> 01:38:24,000
simply because the price the cost of living and i think what happens um is that b a h you know your

902
01:38:24,000 --> 01:38:30,400
housing is put up but then when your housing goes up that gives your landlord your landlord puts the

903
01:38:30,400 --> 01:38:36,000
rent up so that money's still not in your pocket but the cost of living has to go for service members

904
01:38:36,000 --> 01:38:40,800
i interviewed i don't i'm not going to call it an interview i bumped into a couple of military

905
01:38:40,800 --> 01:38:48,320
spouses that i was bullshitting with and six of them beautiful ladies and they have resorted to

906
01:38:48,320 --> 01:38:56,960
dumpster diving can you fucking believe that i really had to i stood there like an idiot and

907
01:38:56,960 --> 01:39:04,160
i'm like what well what do you mean she's like well you get in the dumpster and you see what's

908
01:39:04,160 --> 01:39:07,840
in there and you take what you need and i just thought you really are talking about dumpster

909
01:39:07,840 --> 01:39:15,440
diving there's no way you'd leave your house to go to work for whatever period of time

910
01:39:16,640 --> 01:39:24,320
if you knew your family if there was a food insecurity would you no absolutely so i don't

911
01:39:24,960 --> 01:39:32,480
i don't understand how these junior enlisted families are surviving and then on top of that

912
01:39:32,480 --> 01:39:38,800
the service member is expected to give 100 productivity at work whether it's stateside or

913
01:39:38,800 --> 01:39:51,520
on deployment how can you do that and so it is my big thing in san diego at least to be able to get

914
01:39:51,520 --> 01:40:03,440
in san diego at least to be able to get to a point where i can just help with some shit you know what

915
01:40:03,440 --> 01:40:11,120
i've noticed is that i've seen our service members in the the driving line for feeding san diego which

916
01:40:11,120 --> 01:40:20,960
does a fantastic job i'd like to create an environment though where those that need can

917
01:40:20,960 --> 01:40:29,840
come and take what they need and also leave with their dignity intact because i think you know as

918
01:40:29,840 --> 01:40:34,240
as an immigrant family i remember going to the food pantry and there was nothing but goodness

919
01:40:34,240 --> 01:40:40,320
projected from the food pantry you know we were incredibly grateful but as an indian family my

920
01:40:40,320 --> 01:40:45,920
mom was like well what the hell is bok choy you know and so you got what you were given kind of

921
01:40:45,920 --> 01:40:53,040
thing and but you always left there kind of knowing you didn't have enough do you know even as a kid

922
01:40:53,040 --> 01:41:00,400
you knew you knew you know so i would like to provide somehow some way um i'll make it happen

923
01:41:01,040 --> 01:41:10,400
i ain't shy um i want to provide that environment where your dignity is intact and it's okay you

924
01:41:10,400 --> 01:41:18,320
know it's not their fault you know and and that's how i think that against the shame it's the shame

925
01:41:18,320 --> 01:41:27,360
shame's a fucking awful thing you know so um yeah that's my thing with food insecurities in san

926
01:41:27,360 --> 01:41:34,720
diego i know that there has to be other parts of um other bases other military places you know

927
01:41:34,720 --> 01:41:39,440
cities that are affected but since i'm based in san diego and i'm active in the community

928
01:41:39,440 --> 01:41:45,040
this is where it's come to to my attention let's be honest i mean people people work in having jobs

929
01:41:45,040 --> 01:41:49,840
in san diego right now the median house of a median price of a house is 800 000 bucks i mean

930
01:41:49,840 --> 01:41:57,200
who the fuck has got that yep exactly well what when you have discussions with your husband or

931
01:41:57,200 --> 01:42:03,680
other people that have been in that community for a long time what went wrong how do we get to this

932
01:42:03,680 --> 01:42:08,960
point and if you are queen for the day what do we need to do at the actual military level to get it

933
01:42:08,960 --> 01:42:14,320
to where those families at least are able to you know to feed themselves like they i'm assuming

934
01:42:14,320 --> 01:42:21,840
could 20 30 years ago now i'm going to say this and i don't know shit but what i think should happen

935
01:42:21,840 --> 01:42:31,680
is it is the cost of living allowance cola that is what needs to go up in order for the service

936
01:42:31,680 --> 01:42:40,240
member to be able to get that money for cost of living and like i said not bah you know i read a

937
01:42:40,240 --> 01:42:45,760
report and i have to do my due diligence on this but i read a report recently i'm in san diego

938
01:42:45,760 --> 01:42:51,840
but i think if you drive an hour up north you know um service members up there get cola

939
01:42:52,880 --> 01:43:00,080
it's like okay we're talking 60 fucking minutes man you know um there is

940
01:43:00,080 --> 01:43:07,760
uh you know the the economy is what the economy is you know i mean that's so fucking complicated

941
01:43:07,760 --> 01:43:16,880
in itself but for the service member they need to have cola needs to be adjusted and adjusted

942
01:43:16,880 --> 01:43:23,040
in accordance to where the service member is sent you can i mean it makes no sense to me you can't

943
01:43:23,040 --> 01:43:32,080
send a service member you know um to a place where they can't afford to live and not everybody

944
01:43:32,640 --> 01:43:38,960
chooses to live on base housing and um and i don't even know to be honest with you how much base

945
01:43:38,960 --> 01:43:44,080
housing is available in san diego but even if it's base housing inflation is what it is

946
01:43:45,200 --> 01:43:50,160
you know and the cost of living is ridiculous i mean a gallon of gas in san diego right now today

947
01:43:50,160 --> 01:44:01,440
on june 20th is five dollars 57 that's fucking insanity man yeah yeah there's something really

948
01:44:01,440 --> 01:44:08,800
going on here when i remember at one time how the gas in hawaii was cheaper than that in california

949
01:44:08,800 --> 01:44:13,680
if somebody can fucking explain that to me you know i don't even know how that can be

950
01:44:14,800 --> 01:44:18,480
yeah i mean you literally have pumps all the way down down the car i remember living in

951
01:44:18,480 --> 01:44:23,920
huntington beach and there were gas pumps everywhere so you know like the you know the wells so yeah

952
01:44:23,920 --> 01:44:30,400
yeah you can get it literally beneath your own feet it shouldn't be five dollars a gallon no but

953
01:44:30,400 --> 01:44:37,040
i do like i said it's you know to your question i think the cost of living allowance has to be

954
01:44:37,040 --> 01:44:45,840
raised how how much longer can this go on because then you know what the the effect of it is you've

955
01:44:45,840 --> 01:44:53,600
got you've got great agencies like i said feeding san diego that are already trying to feed homeless

956
01:44:53,600 --> 01:44:59,360
people and homeless vets and now they've got another demo that they need to try and feed as well

957
01:44:59,360 --> 01:45:07,120
military and you know i'm an old-fashioned gal and i just think to myself those people

958
01:45:07,120 --> 01:45:17,120
that stand so i can sleep so i can do whatever the fuck i do on my day how can they be going

959
01:45:17,840 --> 01:45:28,080
without food you know it's such a basic basic necessity let me just interject for a second

960
01:45:28,080 --> 01:45:33,360
because i'm kind of confused didn't we end two wars in the middle east so shouldn't the budget

961
01:45:33,360 --> 01:45:38,880
be higher now to take care of them because we're not spending you know one million dollars per

962
01:45:38,880 --> 01:45:43,600
missile being shot from a battleship anymore or you know whatever whatever i've actually shared

963
01:45:43,600 --> 01:45:49,360
something recently it showed the cost of you know a magazine of ammunition all the way through to

964
01:45:49,360 --> 01:45:55,280
literally like millions of dollars per per rocket it was insane so if we're not firing all those

965
01:45:55,280 --> 01:46:01,680
anymore isn't there more opportunity to take care of this at the moment you know i think when you

966
01:46:01,680 --> 01:46:08,240
put it like that it makes absolute perfect sense there should be but i don't know where it is

967
01:46:09,120 --> 01:46:16,640
you know um does anybody know where it is i mean really i who knows what who knows

968
01:46:17,600 --> 01:46:23,760
how finances are really worked here i mean i don't know if you felt the same way when you moved

969
01:46:23,760 --> 01:46:30,240
stateside but it kind of blew my mind that in order for me to open my first business

970
01:46:30,240 --> 01:46:36,400
i had to have a credit card i had to have some element of debt in order to start a

971
01:46:37,040 --> 01:46:44,080
get a credit rating start a credit history now i don't know whether it was britain or whether

972
01:46:44,080 --> 01:46:48,240
it was just my culture at the time but my dad was always like listen if you put it on a credit card

973
01:46:48,240 --> 01:46:50,880
you better make sure you got the cash because you can end up paying it you know what i mean you've

974
01:46:50,880 --> 01:46:56,000
got to make sure you pay kind of thing so don't put it on the credit card you know um so it was

975
01:46:56,000 --> 01:47:01,120
strange to me that you had to go into some debt is didn't you think financially that was a little

976
01:47:01,120 --> 01:47:06,080
weird when you moved over too yeah no the same thing because because when i first came over here

977
01:47:06,080 --> 01:47:10,640
i did it wrong and i got i did exactly what they want you to do you know i used the cards like i

978
01:47:10,640 --> 01:47:15,040
had that money and then was constantly paying minimums and you know yeah so i fell for the

979
01:47:15,040 --> 01:47:19,920
trap myself and didn't do well and now you know my that's the thing one of the things about my wife

980
01:47:19,920 --> 01:47:24,640
we talk about yin and yang she's great with money and she's got my credit card and she's got my

981
01:47:24,640 --> 01:47:28,960
money and she's got my credit all the way back to to where it needs to be and there was a divorce

982
01:47:28,960 --> 01:47:34,320
in there too which just ruins you financially but um you know but yeah but it definitely is a system

983
01:47:34,320 --> 01:47:38,960
set up to to break you down the other question that i have with our military when i'm thinking

984
01:47:38,960 --> 01:47:43,840
about the fire service and cola i mean we've more often a lot their cola increase might be three

985
01:47:43,840 --> 01:47:48,960
percent you know maybe but you look at you know like you said everything at the moment it's way

986
01:47:48,960 --> 01:47:53,280
more than three percent more expensive you know so our firefighters are going throughout so what they

987
01:47:53,280 --> 01:47:58,480
tend to do is just work more jobs so they're already working six hours a week as a firefighter

988
01:47:58,480 --> 01:48:03,920
and then they're going to do an overtime or you know work somewhere else correct me if i'm wrong

989
01:48:03,920 --> 01:48:10,800
do the military have that opportunity or is that their only job so they're even harder for them to

990
01:48:10,800 --> 01:48:18,480
to even subsidize their income to the best of my knowledge that is their only job but i do know of

991
01:48:18,480 --> 01:48:25,280
service members like um my guy that did a video for me a couple of months ago he's a marine

992
01:48:26,320 --> 01:48:32,720
and he did it after hours you know i know a lot of service members actually you know maybe they are

993
01:48:32,720 --> 01:48:39,040
the the bouncer at a club or the doorman at a bar you know kind of thing everybody's got a secondary

994
01:48:39,040 --> 01:48:49,760
job most junior enlisted that i speak with are looking for or have a little side hustle you know

995
01:48:49,760 --> 01:48:55,360
and it's it's it's difficult for spouses to some extent because again the stigma that's attached to

996
01:48:55,360 --> 01:49:00,320
spouses in oh well they move every two years so you know there's no point in giving them a job

997
01:49:00,320 --> 01:49:08,800
and it's like okay no we're not looking for a job we're looking for a career and with the

998
01:49:08,800 --> 01:49:16,720
amount of remote work available um shouldn't be a problem shouldn't be a problem to hire a military

999
01:49:16,720 --> 01:49:25,520
spouse absolutely and i've always said to companies if you hire a military spouse you've automatically

1000
01:49:25,520 --> 01:49:32,800
saved money because you probably won't want your medical or your dental right um and when that time

1001
01:49:32,800 --> 01:49:40,320
does come that she has to move on if she has to move on guaranteed she is going to find her

1002
01:49:40,320 --> 01:49:49,840
replacement train her replacement and you'll never have that gap that's going to save you time money

1003
01:49:49,840 --> 01:50:00,160
it saves so much shit because you know training an employee is the one of the most disliked training

1004
01:50:00,160 --> 01:50:07,280
a new employee is one the most disliked thing an employee wants to do because they don't sometimes

1005
01:50:07,280 --> 01:50:11,760
they don't see the value in it but you you spent all this money trying to find them so you've got

1006
01:50:11,760 --> 01:50:17,920
to spend time training them you know a military spouse will train her military spouse and yeah

1007
01:50:18,640 --> 01:50:24,000
so yeah service members everybody everybody i've spoken to recently has a side hustle or is looking

1008
01:50:24,000 --> 01:50:31,920
for a side hustle yeah i've always said firefighters and obviously military should be paid in a way

1009
01:50:31,920 --> 01:50:35,920
where they don't need a second job now if you want that ski boat or that lifted truck or whatever

1010
01:50:35,920 --> 01:50:40,800
okay well then that's over and above you know but i mean there's a lot of firefighters that need to

1011
01:50:40,800 --> 01:50:45,360
work a second job literally just to pay their mortgage which is just and we're talking a 56

1012
01:50:45,360 --> 01:50:51,520
hour work week as well you know so it's it's insanity and and to put to reprioritize our

1013
01:50:51,520 --> 01:50:54,800
military our first responders our teachers all these people as you said at the beginning

1014
01:50:55,360 --> 01:51:00,560
that really are the backbone of the community yeah because they're the ones you call either you know

1015
01:51:00,560 --> 01:51:06,560
asked to help you raise your children like a teacher or call when you know a country is doing

1016
01:51:06,560 --> 01:51:13,200
something horrendous or to protect you here ems and you know all those groups we have to give them

1017
01:51:13,200 --> 01:51:19,040
an environment that allows them to go home you know healthily you know so and that involves you

1018
01:51:19,040 --> 01:51:23,600
know not only the the shift structure that you should have that i fight for in the fire service

1019
01:51:23,600 --> 01:51:29,120
but also the financial side but an understanding that if you want luxuries over and above then yeah

1020
01:51:29,120 --> 01:51:34,240
absolutely go and that's a beautiful opportunity to be an entrepreneur then but no member of the

1021
01:51:34,240 --> 01:51:40,560
military or first responder profession should have to have a second job simply to exist i mean look

1022
01:51:40,560 --> 01:51:47,680
at now in california the minimum wage is 20 dollars an hour to flip a burger and uh what is it rubios

1023
01:51:47,680 --> 01:51:54,560
they have filed for bankruptcy right and they can't afford to keep operating it's not the only company

1024
01:51:54,560 --> 01:52:01,440
in cali that we're 20 sometimes you know somebody said to me the other day that's more than um and

1025
01:52:01,440 --> 01:52:08,560
me correct me if i'm wrong trainee firefighters don't get that much you know um nurses and i'm

1026
01:52:08,560 --> 01:52:18,960
just thinking myself this shit's all backwards it's all backwards and i look at um athletes your nfl

1027
01:52:18,960 --> 01:52:27,600
players look i love the nfl i love american football i do right i have not watched it for

1028
01:52:28,800 --> 01:52:32,720
two years right for my own reasons and

1029
01:52:32,720 --> 01:52:38,240
i don't think i don't give fuck who you are how many touchdowns you've done going back to what we

1030
01:52:38,240 --> 01:52:43,280
were discussing earlier about the tom brady roast i don't think anybody i don't understand how do you

1031
01:52:43,280 --> 01:52:50,320
make that much money how are you worth that much money when they're a junior enlisted they can't

1032
01:52:51,120 --> 01:52:55,520
eat and they are providing you the 02 so you can go play your game or do your thing do you know what

1033
01:52:55,520 --> 01:53:03,520
i mean it's so it it just blows my tiny mind i mean somebody must have somebody somewhere

1034
01:53:04,480 --> 01:53:10,560
this is not the first time this question has been asked surely to god you know so why is it they get

1035
01:53:10,560 --> 01:53:15,360
i want to know why do they get paid so much fucking money i mean i know the nfl makes a lot of money

1036
01:53:15,360 --> 01:53:18,160
right but i don't understand it

1037
01:53:18,160 --> 01:53:23,440
yeah i mean it is it's it's it's just like i said it's just about prioritizing you know should we

1038
01:53:23,440 --> 01:53:28,400
take care of our athletes that people enjoy watching you know and their concussion and all

1039
01:53:28,400 --> 01:53:35,600
that kind of stuff absolutely but yeah when you've got a you know a brand new firefighter ent making

1040
01:53:35,600 --> 01:53:40,960
12 dollars an hour yeah and a guy that jumped that really tall guy that can basically touch a hoop

1041
01:53:40,960 --> 01:53:46,480
without jumping puts a ball in there and you know it's just it's just it's just it's just

1042
01:53:46,480 --> 01:53:52,880
without jumping puts a ball in it and he's making millions and millions you know it is it's just it's

1043
01:53:52,880 --> 01:53:57,360
it's so backward you know there's people are great athletes and should they be able to be professionals

1044
01:53:57,360 --> 01:54:03,280
if people love watching them absolutely but in that case that's also invest simultaneously in the

1045
01:54:03,280 --> 01:54:08,640
people that are actually you're going to call three free numbers on your phone when your fucking world

1046
01:54:08,640 --> 01:54:12,800
is about to end you know if they're not well trained and rested and this is why i tell the

1047
01:54:12,800 --> 01:54:17,760
fire service like look at your favorite athlete they have psychologists and nutritionists and

1048
01:54:17,760 --> 01:54:22,880
strength and conditioning coaches and you know they're not missing sleep every third day quite

1049
01:54:22,880 --> 01:54:29,120
the opposite you know so why are they more important than you no one's no one's able to

1050
01:54:29,120 --> 01:54:34,800
answer that you know why is it that the guy that puts the ball in a hole gets all of that but the

1051
01:54:34,800 --> 01:54:38,160
person who's going to wake up at three in the morning go into a burning building pull your kid

1052
01:54:38,160 --> 01:54:44,320
out and try and save their life yeah it's working 56 hours a week and making 40 grand it just it's

1053
01:54:44,320 --> 01:54:49,520
it's so backwards you know it's i spoke to a young kid the other day and i said to him i said you

1054
01:54:49,520 --> 01:54:55,680
know you should be an emt i said you'd be good at that and he went do you know what they get paid

1055
01:54:55,680 --> 01:55:01,200
and i went no he went nothing and i went wow we were talking about people's lives saving people's

1056
01:55:01,200 --> 01:55:08,800
lives and it's just is it is it like that back home is it like that in the uk as well i think

1057
01:55:08,800 --> 01:55:15,600
i think so i think this is the problem it's it's you know it's it's kind of like a a western thing

1058
01:55:15,600 --> 01:55:20,000
and i don't know again scandinavia they seem to do so many things well i don't know if it's better

1059
01:55:20,000 --> 01:55:26,000
there but um yeah and the interesting thing is the firefighters back home don't get the same level

1060
01:55:26,000 --> 01:55:31,520
of respect that we have here too like there's a lot of assaults on british firefighters when grenfell

1061
01:55:31,520 --> 01:55:37,200
happened they threw them under the fucking bus after heroically rescuing you know numerous people

1062
01:55:37,200 --> 01:55:42,480
you know so you know there's there's a again just a lack of support i mean covid again i was talking

1063
01:55:42,480 --> 01:55:46,080
to my last guest you know what are we going to do to help them oh we'll just go outside at five

1064
01:55:46,080 --> 01:55:51,600
o'clock and clap that'll do it you know there was no support for all those incredible first responders

1065
01:55:51,600 --> 01:55:56,320
and doctors and nurses and everyone else who was holding the line where people are cowering in their

1066
01:55:56,320 --> 01:56:02,320
their you know their homes so you know we have to kind of remind ourselves about the hierarchy of

1067
01:56:02,320 --> 01:56:08,400
needs and security is the base you know so whether you're an agent seal or a firefighter you are the

1068
01:56:08,400 --> 01:56:13,680
base for your country in your community but we've got it completely backwards like no no a quarterback

1069
01:56:13,680 --> 01:56:20,160
is the base tom brady's the base no he's fucking not you know it's my mom had said to me once it

1070
01:56:20,160 --> 01:56:26,960
was after 9 11 and um she said to me you know what the problem is she said people forget

1071
01:56:28,240 --> 01:56:31,680
and i went you're absolutely right people forget

1072
01:56:33,680 --> 01:56:40,320
9 11 they forget you know what you guys did what our first responders did um

1073
01:56:40,320 --> 01:56:51,040
um and i don't understand why is it this is it what is the rhetoric that's been put out there

1074
01:56:51,040 --> 01:57:01,360
where these professions um are not looked at you know with the same respect well why is it like

1075
01:57:01,360 --> 01:57:07,440
that today i really really don't understand it even if you didn't know anything about being a

1076
01:57:07,440 --> 01:57:13,360
firefighter being an emt right being in the military wouldn't i mean with firefighters my

1077
01:57:13,360 --> 01:57:18,880
first thought would be oh shit man you go into a fire that's fucking that's insane you know

1078
01:57:20,080 --> 01:57:25,760
you're the bomb.com because i'm the person who would be running away you know um so i would just

1079
01:57:25,760 --> 01:57:30,240
be in awe i just don't understand where where's all that gone with people like i said the kid the

1080
01:57:30,240 --> 01:57:35,760
other day the first thing he thought and he had every right i'm not gonna knock him you know oh

1081
01:57:35,760 --> 01:57:39,920
they don't get paid a lot you know so yes have you got to think about how much money you're earning

1082
01:57:39,920 --> 01:57:48,000
yeah i get it i get it but you're saving lives you know you're doing something that very few

1083
01:57:48,000 --> 01:57:53,840
people can do really. Well i think the other problem that you know your husband and obviously

1084
01:57:53,840 --> 01:58:00,800
your family have seen and then a lot of the first responder community have seen is i got hired uh oh

1085
01:58:00,800 --> 01:58:06,160
four so 9-11 happened i was living in japan you know moved to the states you know and then went

1086
01:58:06,160 --> 01:58:10,720
through fire academy and then i've got my first job in 04 you know a lot of the military members

1087
01:58:10,720 --> 01:58:16,960
their career spanned pre post 9-11 and obviously everything changed there so back then it was kind

1088
01:58:16,960 --> 01:58:21,680
of very romantic and you know i mean you had to compete against thousands of people for a job as

1089
01:58:21,680 --> 01:58:28,800
a firefighter 20 years ago i did but then the curtain was pulled back you know the impact of

1090
01:58:28,800 --> 01:58:35,360
of combat in afghanistan and iraq and the physical toll the emotional toll you know was front and

1091
01:58:35,360 --> 01:58:40,480
center and then in the fire service you know we just asked to do more and more and more with less

1092
01:58:40,480 --> 01:58:45,760
and less and less this is what i tell people now a young person now doesn't blindly go i want to be

1093
01:58:45,760 --> 01:58:51,440
a navy seal because i want to be charlie sheen they're like i'm a son of a of a navy seal and

1094
01:58:51,440 --> 01:58:57,520
dad wasn't home for most of my life and when he did come home he was angry and he drank i don't

1095
01:58:57,520 --> 01:59:02,800
ever want to be like that as a father and it's the same in the fire service so the only way that we

1096
01:59:02,800 --> 01:59:07,920
can get people excited about our professions again is to fix the things that are broken

1097
01:59:07,920 --> 01:59:11,920
if i'm going to be a junior enlisted and i hear that might have to be dumpster diving

1098
01:59:11,920 --> 01:59:16,560
maybe i'm going to go work for ups instead if i'm going to be you know a firefighter and i'm like oh

1099
01:59:16,560 --> 01:59:22,320
56 hours a week but then when that morning you can tell me oh you've got to stay for another 24 hours

1100
01:59:22,320 --> 01:59:27,600
now i'm 80 hours that week away from my family and i can't go to my son's birthday party now

1101
01:59:28,160 --> 01:59:32,800
no that sounds terrible i'm gonna go work for amazon you know but we can fix these things

1102
01:59:32,800 --> 01:59:37,920
and like we said within the military especially there should be billions just spilling out of

1103
01:59:37,920 --> 01:59:44,320
pockets everywhere because we're not at war anymore so you have to fix this you know what that is

1104
01:59:44,880 --> 01:59:50,800
these billions spilling out of pockets you know what that is that's a big wet dream my friend

1105
01:59:50,800 --> 01:59:59,040
and that's what that is because yeah you would think that even common sense would prevail

1106
01:59:59,680 --> 02:00:05,440
yeah you know but it doesn't and again you know i mean i don't care what country it is i mean

1107
02:00:05,440 --> 02:00:15,680
politics they're just dirty and we end up paying the price of you know the dirtiness

1108
02:00:15,680 --> 02:00:20,640
that's why i always think to myself as selfish as it sounds you've got to make sure your four walls

1109
02:00:20,640 --> 02:00:29,600
are good you know before you can go out there and you know do anything else and so i think

1110
02:00:29,600 --> 02:00:34,560
there's a lot of basic shit we've got away from you know something i'll tell you this just came

1111
02:00:34,560 --> 02:00:42,480
into my mind thinking about my kid i took my kid with me up to camp pendleton last november

1112
02:00:42,480 --> 02:00:50,480
for thanksgiving we were you know volunteering just giving out thanksgiving meals now my kid i

1113
02:00:50,480 --> 02:00:59,280
have to say she is she's awesome she's a great kid you know so i take jordan up there and um all

1114
02:00:59,280 --> 02:01:03,520
these young marines are there and then i kind of regretted taking jordan you know because i'm like

1115
02:01:05,680 --> 02:01:10,800
but anyway we were talking to these young marines and i said to one of them i said how old are you

1116
02:01:10,800 --> 02:01:18,000
and he went i'm 18 and um on the drive home jordan turned around to me and she went mom

1117
02:01:18,640 --> 02:01:25,040
i could not believe that that boy was 18 i went girlfriend i said your father was 18

1118
02:01:25,600 --> 02:01:31,120
she went he was and i think it was difficult for her to because as you're growing up you know

1119
02:01:31,120 --> 02:01:39,600
obviously see dad at that age so you can't imagine dad being 18 signing on the dotted line you know

1120
02:01:39,600 --> 02:01:48,480
yeah it gave her a completely different perspective you know um and i thought to myself it would be

1121
02:01:48,480 --> 02:01:56,800
cool if high schools in high schools throughout the u.s. part of your volunteer obligation

1122
02:01:57,600 --> 02:02:05,200
is to go serve a first responder thanksgiving christmas dinner whatever the event is that's

1123
02:02:05,200 --> 02:02:13,280
where you're gonna go that has to be one place you volunteer you know um like i said it gave my kid a

1124
02:02:13,280 --> 02:02:18,400
very different perspective you know her having conversations herself with these young guys

1125
02:02:20,560 --> 02:02:25,680
and she understood that you know after 30 years when i look at my husband and i go dude you

1126
02:02:26,560 --> 02:02:29,280
fucking you give stoic a new name you know i mean

1127
02:02:29,280 --> 02:02:35,200
you know and she understands that um after going to some of these events that she gets a better

1128
02:02:35,200 --> 02:02:42,160
picture of it and i think every kid should know i think they should go volunteer they should be

1129
02:02:42,160 --> 02:02:48,800
mandatory absolutely well before we wrap up i want to make sure we talk about your podcast

1130
02:02:48,800 --> 02:02:54,880
so the good is it the good show that's right the good show talk to me about what made you

1131
02:02:54,880 --> 02:03:00,400
get behind the microphone yourself i think what really did it was after having all those coffee

1132
02:03:00,400 --> 02:03:06,320
locations on basis for all of those years i wish i could have recorded those conversations i mean

1133
02:03:07,280 --> 02:03:14,240
they were incredibly funny by today's standards they are also incredibly inappropriate but um

1134
02:03:15,200 --> 02:03:21,280
you know i and i realized at that point um again for me growing up in the culture and era that i

1135
02:03:21,280 --> 02:03:27,840
did where judgment was everything it was huge to me that i walked onto this base set up a little

1136
02:03:27,840 --> 02:03:35,040
coffee card nobody judged me nobody gave a shit everybody came bought coffee from me bullshitted

1137
02:03:35,040 --> 02:03:44,560
with me and i just felt i was a part of something and i think it's important to acknowledge and

1138
02:03:44,560 --> 02:03:52,400
give a platform to veterans and spouses to just to talk about their experience you know just off

1139
02:03:52,400 --> 02:03:57,920
load it is what it is you know we're sometimes we're all hell bent on not you know saying the

1140
02:03:57,920 --> 02:04:03,040
right thing you know no everything is okay well no no it's not really you know the transition is a

1141
02:04:03,040 --> 02:04:08,320
process and there's highs and lows and i think going back to your first point the only way we

1142
02:04:08,320 --> 02:04:13,200
can really help each other or make things better is if we bring together the people that we care

1143
02:04:13,200 --> 02:04:17,920
about and the only way we can make things better is if we bring them to the forefront you know to

1144
02:04:17,920 --> 02:04:24,480
talk about them so i decided that you know um i've been talking to some great people just about why

1145
02:04:24,480 --> 02:04:31,680
they joined the military uh how their career has helped them in the civilian world um things

1146
02:04:31,680 --> 02:04:37,840
they've learned i mean it's great it's good knowledge you know and my tagline is hey i just

1147
02:04:37,840 --> 02:04:45,600
that's it you know um if i can get somebody who is listening to a military spouse or a veteran

1148
02:04:45,600 --> 02:04:51,600
that is talking about their business if i can get one person just to go order something from that

1149
02:04:51,600 --> 02:04:59,520
business then i've helped it grow and that's what i want to do i want to you know just highlight

1150
02:04:59,520 --> 02:05:06,320
the hard work that's involved in it and just give them a platform ain't nothing crazy beautiful

1151
02:05:06,320 --> 02:05:15,360
where can people find that it's on all um streaming platforms i heart apple um you know google

1152
02:05:16,400 --> 02:05:23,440
it's the good show it's g o o d e show somebody asked me the other day what's the e for i went

1153
02:05:24,320 --> 02:05:25,360
it's for edge

1154
02:05:28,480 --> 02:05:34,960
it's good with an edge uh and i'm on instagram at the good show and i would like everybody to go to

1155
02:05:34,960 --> 02:05:39,200
my instagram and follow me because these numbers thing oh talking about numbers i do want to say

1156
02:05:39,200 --> 02:05:45,040
this i didn't want to toot my horn for this um i just looked up the ratings the other day uh

1157
02:05:45,040 --> 02:05:52,960
yesterday and i'm ranked number five of the top milspouse podcast to follow in 2024 the other four

1158
02:05:52,960 --> 02:06:01,520
above me are very good podcasts but i'm coming well based on this discussion i'm sure that the

1159
02:06:01,520 --> 02:06:06,320
the the episode is going to be amazing because like it's such a very different lens that you have and

1160
02:06:06,320 --> 02:06:10,720
this is when people tell me i have firefighters i'm thinking of you know starting a podcast i don't

1161
02:06:10,720 --> 02:06:16,960
want to tread on your toes i'm like firstly i didn't invite invite excuse me invent podcasting so

1162
02:06:16,960 --> 02:06:22,480
i would be an arrogant narcissist if i said you're treading on my toes but secondly every single

1163
02:06:22,480 --> 02:06:28,160
person has a unique perspective so i'm sure the other spouse ones aren't you know british-born

1164
02:06:28,160 --> 02:06:35,760
indian heritage seal spouses you know who swear like a sailor so everyone's got their own unique

1165
02:06:35,760 --> 02:06:40,640
lens so i think this is what's so beautiful about podcasting is it's such a great medium to have

1166
02:06:40,640 --> 02:06:47,920
these important conversations so i'm excited to see who you get on next well listen i you you got

1167
02:06:47,920 --> 02:06:52,480
to come on my podcast well i definitely because there's a couple yeah there's a couple of things

1168
02:06:52,480 --> 02:06:59,520
that i want to ask you about what you do that we haven't even touched on that again you know highlighting

1169
02:07:01,520 --> 02:07:07,440
you know people that again i would run the other way you guys are the guys that run towards it

1170
02:07:08,000 --> 02:07:15,760
and i am in awe of that i'm in total awe of it and i want to say thank you because i don't think you

1171
02:07:15,760 --> 02:07:21,840
guys get as don't get the kudos that you should and every time i see a fire truck i always think of

1172
02:07:21,840 --> 02:07:28,800
you here well i want to say thank you so much it's been such an incredible conversation i think god

1173
02:07:28,800 --> 02:07:36,160
we've dropped more truth bombs than the uh us air force but uh you know i think you know these

1174
02:07:36,160 --> 02:07:40,800
these things need to be said and i think it's it's so great to hear from a you know a fellow brit

1175
02:07:40,800 --> 02:07:45,280
we've got kind of similar perspectives on a lot of things so and then obviously raising you know

1176
02:07:45,280 --> 02:07:50,000
awareness about this issue with our you know military family has not been able to make ends

1177
02:07:50,000 --> 02:07:54,240
meet so i want to thank you so much for being so generous with your time and coming on the behind

1178
02:07:54,240 --> 02:08:21,040
the shield podcast today james thank you so much look forward to having you on the good show