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This episode is sponsored by a company I've used for well over a decade and that is 511.

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I wore their uniforms back in Anaheim, California and have used their products ever since.

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From their incredibly strong yet light footwear to their cut uniforms for both male and female

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responders, I found them hands down the best workwear in all the departments that I've worked for.

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Outside of the fire service, I use their luggage for everything and I travel a lot and they are

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also now sponsoring the 7X team as we embark around the world on the Human Performance Project.

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We have Murph coming up in May and again I bought their plate carrier. I ended up buying real

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ballistic plates rather than the fake weight plates and that has been my ride or die through

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Murph the last few years as well. But one area I want to talk about that I haven't in previous

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sponsorship spots is their brick and mortar element. They were predominantly an online

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company up till more recently but now they are approaching 100 stores all over the US.

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My local store is here in Gainesville Florida and I've been multiple times and the discounts you see

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online are applied also in the stores. So as I mentioned 511 is offering you 15% off every

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purchase that you make but I do want to say more often than not they have an even deeper discount

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especially around holiday times. But if you use the code SHIELD15 you will get 15% off your order

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or in the stores every time you make a purchase. And if you want to hear more about 511, who they

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stand for and who works with them, listen to episode 580 of Behind the Shield podcast with

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511 regional director Will Ayres. Welcome to the Behind the Shield podcast as always my name is

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James Gearing and this week it is my absolute honor to welcome on the show sex, love and

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relationship coach and the founder of Find Your Feminine Fire, Amanda Testa. Now what makes this

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conversation so powerful is the world of sex is really still taboo in many households and more

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often than not that can be detrimental as we progress into adulthood. So we discuss a host

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of topics from the impact of childhood trauma on sexuality, body dysmorphia, hormonal dysfunction,

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tantric sex, the detrimental elements of porn, the first responder community and so much more.

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Now before we get to this incredible and important conversation as I say every week

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please just take a moment, go to whichever app you listen to this on, subscribe to the show,

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leave feedback and leave a rating. Every single five star rating truly does elevate this podcast

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therefore making it easier for others to find and this is a free library of over 950 episodes now.

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So all I ask in return is that you help share these incredible men and women stories so I can

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get them to every single person on planet earth who needs to hear them. So with that being said

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I introduce to you Amanda Testa. Enjoy.

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Well Amanda I want to start by saying two things. Firstly thank you to your husband Mark who was my

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guest a few weeks ago now and secondly to welcome you onto the Behind the Shield podcast today.

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Thank you so much for having me James it's an honor to be here with you.

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So where on planet earth are we finding you?

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Well I'm going to be in the

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first two weeks of the show so I'm going to be in the first two weeks of the show.

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So where on planet earth are we finding you?

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So I am in Denver Colorado.

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Beautiful. Well I would love to start at the very beginning of your timeline so tell me where you

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were born and tell me a little about your family dynamic, what your parents did, how many siblings.

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Yeah so I grew up in Georgia in Augusta Georgia which if you are a golf fan you might be familiar

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with that. I grew up I have one sister who's younger and my parents were my mom actually was

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like a fifth generation Augustan and my dad grew up in a small farming community in south Georgia

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which so I got to grow up experiencing both sides of that right of the rural being in nature going

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fishing and hunting with my dad all the time and also being in Augusta in the city and all of that

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entailed so I think part of my love for I do have a big connection to nature and I think a lot of

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that stemmed from being outside a lot when I was a kid. Now what about professions what were your

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parents doing? So my mom was a teacher and my dad was a commercial realtor so he sold commercial

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real estate mostly farmland timberland and all kinds of commercial buildings and such.

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At that early age was there an element of spirituality or a more open discussion on the

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sexual side or was it you know like a lot of those generations a little bit more behind closed doors?

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Oh yes well I mean Georgia well in general I grew up in a very conservative environment

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and we were Baptist Southern Baptist so that's also very conservative so it was not something

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that was really talked about and I don't think it was I don't know if there was a lot of shame

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that was intentionally instilled in me but it definitely was for sure and I remember when I was

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in Sunday school when I was a kid there was one of the Sunday school teachers told me that I would

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go to hell if I held hands with the boy so that was kind of the the messaging that I got coming along

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which we know there's a lot of people too that are really affected by religious

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you know kind of the way it shows up in their bodies even in their in a loving married relationship

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or whatever it is it's like that messaging or hearing it for so many years it takes a while to

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undo that fear. Why do you think it is that so much shame has been cast upon sex when it literally

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is the very act that creates more of us people then then go to church? Right that is a very good

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question James I love that so I mean I think number one if you and I want to just honor whatever

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anyone's spiritual beliefs are because I think whatever you whatsoever supports you is great but

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I think a part of it is too is the you know original sin right we are at least a lot of the

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times in certain religious backgrounds we are taught that you know we are flawed and that's a

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our bodies are sinful and pleasure is sinful and we need to I think the Puritans for example are

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taught a lot of that so you know that anything that involves bodies or sexuality is taboo it's

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wrong it's bad it's only for one specific purpose not for pleasure not for connection.

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Yeah I think that's a big part of it and there's a lot of shame built in because we don't talk about

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it a lot and the things that are publicized are often negative a lot of us the education that we

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got around sexuality growing up was very scary right we got okay don't get don't have sex or

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you're gonna get pregnant and ruin your life you ruin your life and your family's life um don't

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have sex or you're gonna get a disease and die like literally and we and I I will age myself but

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I grew up in the 80s and that's when kind of AIDS was coming out and there was a lot of fear there

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was a lot of unknowns there was all kinds of things so it was really kind of a scary topic

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that at least I would had a very fear best education coming along and I think that's

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changing now but for sure that's what I got. Well you you start to unpack some of the people who

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were slamming their fists on lecterns you know and talking about whether it's you know the gay

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community or you know fidelity and then you peek behind the curtain of their lives and you realize

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that they were you know closet homosexuals or having multiple affairs and you know you know

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having multiple affairs so this is the kind of irony of a human in my opinion thumping a book

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saying they spoke to God and he said this or she said this is that more often than not the loudest

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voices aren't even living the very thing that they're preaching in the first place. That is so true

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I think yeah and it's even I think there's a lot of statistics to back that up

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specifically around you know that people that are protesting from the lines of abortion clinics

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oftentimes are very right-wing fundamentalists and then a lot of the times those same people will

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have their kids or somebody snuck in because they have had that happen. I mean I think that

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I don't know the exact statistics but I've read them and that oftentimes with the abstinence

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education doesn't work because I think that humans are human and we have certain drives and

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depending on I mean I really do think it's an it's an overall part of our holistic wellness and when

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we can learn to be really conscious about our sexuality and be really conscious of our own

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bodies and learn to appreciate ourselves and other people and have a lot of consent and a lot of

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pleasure base around it then there can be a lot of healthy experiences. The problem is when that

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doesn't happen that's when things are more taboo when there's more violence when there's more

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power dynamics that aren't healthy and then when people are are just going to be curious and they

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don't have the education to know what gets them pregnant honestly that a lot of times happens

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because I think there's only there's only a few states that actually require biologically based

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sex ed. Interesting and when you talk about abstinence I think the perfect example is America

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with alcohol like it was bizarre to me when I first came here that you know you you couldn't

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drink till 21 but what that did was just pull that bow back so far that when they finally did you had

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beer pong and keg stands and and you go to anywhere else in the world they don't have those things

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because they just drink when they're younger now it doesn't make alcohol right and we all know

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there's a lot of detrimental elements to it but you know you suppress that urge you create a taboo

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that then sends people towards it so if you have I would argue open and honest conversations with

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your children about sexuality age appropriately of course and I did with my son and I'd say it

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was the hardest thing to find a book it's a simple book to explain to a young person puberty and as

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they get older you know reproduction and you know if you have a child that maybe you know is is

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attracted to the same sex then obviously these books talk about that too but um yeah it was it

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was just it was crazy it was just so hard to find it but that is it I've kind of slowly had these

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conversations with my son because when I was young I grew up on a farm and dad was a veterinary

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surgeon and they told me that you just pray to god and he puts a baby in your tummy and it was

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sex ed in school that like literally I'm not exaggerating 12 13 years old when my jaw dropped

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and I was like oh you mean you mean they shag like animals why don't you just fucking tell me that

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in the first place you know it was that it was all there just to to tell me but it was very much like

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oh it's dirty darling don't do it and and so it's so crazy because like you said there's so many

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examples of abstinence I mean look at look at the drug prohibition all that did was just send people

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into the clutches of the underworld it didn't fix the mental health crisis so I couldn't agree more

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that you know that we've I think the pendulum has swung too far at the moment with this whole

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everyone you know is identifying as this bizarre thing now you know and there's a lot of projection

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of a minority of people that that's how we should all think and and act now but I think open healthy

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conversations on the human body and how you know we reproduce is is imperative and it it blows my

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mind that we're in 2024 yet some cling so hard to victoria mentality very much so and I think that

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is part of the shadow around sexuality is the fear and all that the unknown if we if people were more

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able to feel comfortable about talking about their sexuality learning about their bodies at a young

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age learning about pleasure learning the appropriate places and times to do that because oftentimes

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kids get shamed for touching their bodies which actually in utero babies masturbate it's like one

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of the things that they very quickly learn what makes them feel good and so you will probably

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anyone out there that's a parent has noticed their child when they discover this part of their body

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that feels really good and everybody approaches it in a different way and sometimes too it's based on

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well how did my parents react to that type of thing and and it also can be again we're not

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really taught how do we parent in a way that's sex positive but you know oftentimes kids are like

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don't do that or whatever they hear versus you know hey that i'm so glad that you've discovered

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that now just make sure you go do that in your room right you don't need to be doing that out

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here in the den with all that grandma doesn't like right it's like oh yeah that's feel good

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doesn't it like do you just do that in your bedroom though that's the kind of things we do in private

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yeah what even on the screen i've made this observation it was really apparent when i first

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moved here um you know when you still had cable television that you could have john rambo slaughtering

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100 vietcong and that was absolutely fine but then the top of an ass crack or a nipple would

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show and they'd blur it out and haven't we got this backwards the the murder of people is allowed

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but the body that we were all born in you know naked is being blurred out now i get there's a

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difference between that and you know what would be viewed as pornography but there's it's to the

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point where you know you can't god forbid you show an areola the very thing that we literally fed from

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for the formative years of our lives yes i agree and it's there is the violence is rampant on all

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the tv shows and even the kids shows and i don't know my my kid and i were just looking we somehow

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got on the topic of frozen and the you know the kids musical frozen with elsa and ana and apparently

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there's going to be a frozen three we were talking about it so i was googling you know is that really

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true and it looks like there's some huge war coming and it's very violent i was like why

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why must this be what they have to see um i mean yes because that's the real world too but it's

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just like it normalizes all the violence but we don't normalize the pleasure and the good things

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as much oftentimes so i hear you there absolutely well going back to your early years what were you

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playing and doing as far as sport and exercise well i was not the most um coordinated kid i was

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very small too i didn't have my growth spurt till in eighth grade between seventh and eighth grade

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and i remember when i was growing up everybody was playing tennis and i was not a very good tennis

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player and i was a lot smaller than all of my friends so literally half their size and i think

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that's most middle school kids right you line them all up they could all be 11 but they look

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so different in height and development all the things but i was a very small kid and so i was

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not as physically strong and i remember i did not like soccer i didn't like getting kicked i wasn't

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much of that kind of a person so i mostly enjoyed playing with my friends i did a lot of um

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riding my bike i loved to play outside i wasn't much as as much of a team sport person but i did

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love just being outside and playing and i would spend hours in the backyard and just like ride my

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bike and all that kind of stuff well i've had this conversation with a few people recently and

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sadly sometimes people downplay their activities like oh well i wasn't you know i wasn't college

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or high school level at sport or anything but as you said but you were able to play for hours on

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a bike outside in the garden so i think a lot of countries still have that but we've been

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but we've we've become so competitive here that you kind of almost like invalidate someone's

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activity if it wasn't for some league or cup at the end of it yeah i think that's true and i

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remember even as a kid it started to be uncool to ride your bike and people would make fun of you

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and i remember there was an age where i just stopped riding my bike because it wasn't cool

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anymore then of course it became cool again but it wasn't for a period of time now what about

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career aspirations when you're in the school ages what were you dreaming of becoming i think i wanted

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to be an astronaut or a marine biologist when i was little the marine biologist was always so

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fascinating to me and i grew up and you know we would go to the beach every summer and i loved

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the beach i love the ocean i still do and um i would i thought that would be so fun to just

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spend my days like researching creatures in the ocean yeah they are clear water aquarium where

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the dolphin's tail you know the film is made about that's that's not too far from us so yeah there

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are there are people here in in florida that do do that for a living but i think a lot of people

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dream of it and then they you know the reality of actually being immersed in that and studying it

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diligently for your whole career that that weeds out you know the dreamers in us and finds the real

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biologist that's true i think that can happen with that sometimes anything right whatever we find joyous

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and then when it becomes work it's like oh how do we still maintain the that that connection to the

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wonder and joy in it versus just the not near like how much will i get paid or all the things that

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come up when it becomes real so when you look back at your early life with the lens that you have now

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as we start to really understand the impact of our childhood on all things as we grow up were there

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any elements you think that contributed to some of the struggles that you had later in life i think

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you know i think for sure the um you know just feeling a lot of shame but i do feel like you

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know my parents had a had a fairly good relationship i think they like everyone had their moments but

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they have a lot of love and a lot of passion and you know i remember when i would when my dad would

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come home my mom and dad would be like making out in the kitchen and we'd be like oh grouse you know

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as kids but they loved they did they loved each other so much and they had a lot of a good physical

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connection um and so they definitely weren't the type to shy away from physical affection in front

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of us right they were very loving um and also i think just growing up in uh you know i think there

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was a lot of expectations placed on me like many kids but i just didn't quite fit in as well into

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my environment right i was not as pretty and quiet and all the things that i was supposed to be

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to be a nice young southern girl and um i just had a hard time with all of that and so that made it

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challenging for me growing up i think to feel like i fit i fit in well i think isn't that where the

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whole toxic masculinity conversation is supposed to be i mean it seemed to have been dragged so far

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to the extreme like all conversations seem to but just to allow a little boy or a little girl

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to wear the colors they want to wear and play the sports they want to play and not be defined as oh

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no no no a girl does ballet and gymnastics a boy does football and baseball that's what i understand

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is you know i think what people are trying to get at but it just keeps getting dragged to

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some you know like atomic level feminism version of the word

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yeah i think you know i remember as a kid i don't you know i think it was very definitely much more

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definitely much more patriarchal and i remember certain things saying and being like well i would

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never marry someone who did that or that's not going to be me um and i think that was you know

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i do love so much of the values i grew up with but a lot of them i have had to do a lot of unlearning

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around for many years because i don't think that they're very healthy and a lot of and you know um

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um i acknowledge like the privilege that i come from but also the there was a lot of problematic

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things going on there um so that too yeah now you mentioned about growing up in you know the

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beginning of the abes epidemic and i was probably right there with you a similar age and i just

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remember being terrified when it came to sex and making sure that everything was bagged and sealed

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and you know everything you could do and when i look back now it completely killed the romance and

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you know and some of the relaxed natures that you would need in the intimate relationship

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what are your observations of of that factor and obviously it was a real thing that was killing

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people so it needed to be acknowledged but how how do you view that now as far as its impact on

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um you know that kind of intimacy that we're going to start talking about

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yeah well i mean i think like anything if there there are a couple things at play when we are

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going to be intimate or have a sexual encounter with someone right we also have we have all the

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things that are making us excited and all the accelerators and all the things that are

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making it feel really lovely and turning us on and bringing in the arousal and all of that

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but we also have the breaks which are like oh will i get pregnant or will i get a disease or is this

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person safe or is this environment safe or all the things and so definitely fear of disease or like

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STIs is part of the breaks and so i think depending on your level of education coming along that could

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be more intense in certain situations and i think that um that's just something too to think about

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right like we when we want to enjoy ourselves i think a big proponent i mean i'm a big proponent

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of feeling safe and i think that's the number one thing you need to be able to really enjoy

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sex to the fullest is to feel safe enough and to create a container that feels safe enough that's

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consensual that you know you've taken care to ensure that you are doing it in a safe enough way

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um and just like anything like there's no 100 guarantee of safety but you know if you are

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you know get tested regularly if you are sexually active and if you make sure your partners are and

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then you like talk you feel comfortable talking about it because i think that's a big fear

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that's a big part of our conditioning too is that we are afraid to speak up in these really

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intimate moments which are sometimes the most important times to speak up

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even if people are in long-term relationships i work with a lot of couples where they can talk

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about everything but sex but i think that is like when you feel and i honestly i think like

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younger generations are better about this because i think there's a lot more there's better education

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in a lot of ways in some areas and just being able to communicate but having that communication

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before right and just ensuring everything is safe before or safe enough for you to move forward

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i think that's important and to be able to feel good about having those conversations

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so walk me through your journey to um where you realized there was an issue for you personally

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because obviously this is an important lived experience that then kind of spawned the work

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that you do now so you know what was that kind of devolution of your own sexual experiences

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well i will say you know i did have some unpleasant encounters right and just a little

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warning there but i had a couple of sexual assaults and i was a little bit of a

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pleasure right and just a little warning there but i had a couple of sexual assaults and that really

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affected how i showed up and this can have often happened like there's a couple of different ways

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that this often shows up for people and one of the ways is that they could potentially become

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hyposexual which is like really shut down really disconnected from pleasure really disconnected

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from you know wanting intimacy or connection where the other side of that is they could become more

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hypersexual where there's like more of a sexual expression or sex a lot or whatever it is it's

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like the hyper expression of that because um it's kind of giving you some sense of control that's

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not really control so there's numerous ways it can show up for people and i think for me it was more

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of a lot of um self-blame and a lot of shame and a lot of you know again being raised in that very

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religious background and i was like well i'm definitely going to go to hell now so might

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as well have some fun you know that kind of thing and so i did have some fun and i think at the same

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time i probably put myself in some situations that weren't the safest but thankfully you know

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everything at that point i was very lucky but i do think those experiences affected how i showed up

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and how i would connect with people and there was a lot of distance that i would put between

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myself and others i didn't really allow myself to get into close relationships and i remember the

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first really long-term relationship i had it was very um there wasn't very much sexual activity

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happening there was not a big sexual connection that was a safety thing right it felt really

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safe to be with this person that part wasn't there but i didn't care because i was like

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i don't even want that but then i realized after years of that that that wasn't fulfilling and

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that's not what i wanted right and i i think that can be the challenging place is where you want

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more connection but then you're scared of it at the same time and you want to enjoy your body but

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you're afraid of what might happen so there's a lot of things wound up in that and i did a lot a

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lot of therapy around it and i think that's how i eventually came to this work is i did probably

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a good five to seven years of talk there because i had a lot of things going on i think partly from

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being raised in that really rigid environment where only certain things were acceptable

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i think it's hard to fit in a lot of the times which can lead to a lot of kind of um

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behaviors that aren't the healthiest so i would say you know like eating disorders and things of

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that nature all of that i struggled with until so i started when i was in my early 20s i was like

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well i want to work around these things mainly when i started it was mostly around the eating

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disorders but then after in my late 20s when i was realizing like i want a deep relationship like i

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don't want a sexless relationship that is not fulfilling and um and so after a lot of talk

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therapy i was like all right that helped me a lot in a lot of ways and then i went on to you know i

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was also very i like to run and i like to do triathlons and i like to be active again not

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the team sport but the individual sport we were laughing the other day because we went to our

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daughter's lacrosse end of the year party and so it was parents versus kid and i literally did not

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catch one ball i was like see i'm not good at all sports but i'm good at the individual sport um

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so anyway so i but then i found a lot of healing through doing triathlons because at the same time

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i was working through a lot of this my dad had was dying from early onset alzheimer's there was a lot

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happening so needless to say i started changing and like and i think of that work of running and

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swimming and biking for miles and miles and miles really helped me process a lot because we do like

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that's one of the ways our bodies can process things um but i think after that then i was able

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to kind of realize like okay now it is okay and it's safe to be in a relationship that is fulfilling

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and that's you know it takes time to work through a lot of those things so i just want to honor

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anyone out there who's listening and one of my teachers says this that i love is we can only go

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as fast as the slowest part of us is willing to go and that's hard for a lot of people because

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in our culture we're like we need that fixed yesterday i want this problem checked off my list

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yeah well especially this profession that's listening to we're the fixers so you know we show

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up you call you call 911 we show up and then within minutes if not hours then you know it's fixed so

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you know now we're trying to fix our own relationships and as you said it's not going

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to be overnight like that yeah and i think too because there's we've all had different kind of

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experiences and those things leave imprints like whether there's been a trauma or just anything

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that has affected your body image or the way you feel being intimate or anything like that

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that shows up under the surface a lot of the times and we might not even realize it right but it could

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be where we don't feel comfortable being vulnerable or where it's harder to communicate about certain

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issues right or there are certain patterns that we go into around like rigidity or even being open to

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different expressions of sexuality or different ways that you could play together there can be a

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lot that shows up there like an unwillingness or maybe a you know more of a closed mind around

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certain things i don't know how to explain that but it shows up in different ways that we that

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are often under the surface so yeah well you mentioned about eating disorders when you had

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the body dysmorphia i'm assuming that was kind of up beneath was it the kind of anorexia bulimia

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side or were you eating more so but mostly mostly anorexia and bulimia and a lot of that too again

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growing up in the 80s with all the in the early 90s with the heroin chic models that was the thing

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the way yeah that's a very and also i have to say like in some ways there a lot of that culture

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around thinness is just it's basically it's not true right because we realize this was i'm not

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this was i mean it's a form of um i think it's a form of controlling right we we feel like we have

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to control every aspect of ourselves and that's just another way that we try to control and try

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to make ourselves small and try to make ourselves fit in and try to achieve this like mythical norm

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as orager lord says that is like a skinny white person which is not really realistic of the real

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world right there's so many different ways and bodies and i think when you're only shown one

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thing that's part of the problem too right or flipping that on its head what about you know

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the the overweight and obesity element because when you know when i try and take any emotion out

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of it and i just look at a relationship and you have two let's say fit young people and you know

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they they start dating and then let's say five years later they've got married and then you know

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there's a couple of kids and now you know because of the the culture of you know not moving very

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much the culture of the processed foods you see a lot of our adults you know put on a lot of weight

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in my kind of layman view i would assume that that would contribute to obviously you know low

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self-esteem but also just just let's be honest attraction to the person because you were you

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know the the cross player or the dancer or you know whatever it doesn't have to be like you said

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thin as a rake but athletic and energetic when you were younger that's when you fell in love and then

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now physically there's been a devolution what are you seeing as far as this kind of uh discarding

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of health as as the national philosophy that's allowing this to happen the impact of that

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specifically on happiness within relationships that is a really good question i think that

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you know what i see is that our culture is a very hard one to thrive in it really doesn't support it

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we don't have any time people are rushing around all the time you know most people work full time

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and raise kids and potentially care for others or their you know parents or whatever it is and

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especially in this middle time of life that's one of the hardest times of life because you might be

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caring for young people you might be caring for old people you maybe you are in just you know there's

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a lot of giving going on and there's not a lot of time for taking care of yourself so it really

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and i think too especially if you are a woman or someone who's had kids you know your body changes

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and hormonal changes happens on for everyone no matter what you your gender is there's a lot of

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hormonal changes that happen in this middle age period and so a lot of it's not easy and i think

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that sometimes what happens is that we just get into these routines where we put ourselves last

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where we're taking care of everyone else and so we become last on the list and unless like a lot

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of people that have careers where they are moving a lot or they have more movement and they they

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have better health in that realm because they're not just sitting in a computer all day like a lot

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of people but it is hard and i think that for sure there's a certain things that come into play like

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you said body image and then that disconnection that happens because you don't feel good in your

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body and you don't want to go out or you don't want to be touched or you don't want to be seen

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naked or you feel disgusting in your body which makes you not want to connect and also there could

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be experiences of hormonal shifts right and sometimes when you gain weight there can be

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hormonal shifts with low testosterone that can contribute to depression and all and there's

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other things at play and i think when we look at our overall wellness i think our sexuality is a

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part of our overall wellness because typically if something's not working well in one area it's not

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working well in other areas and it can be challenging for people especially as they get older

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if maybe one person is staying fit and active and the other person is not and i see this complaint

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a lot well i am taking such good care of myself and that my partner has like gained 50 pounds and

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has zero desire to change and i think that's the hard part is when there's not the willingness there

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um but what i do see is that if one person is willing to make change and be empathetic and be

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a good example more often than not eventually the other person comes along especially if you make it

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inviting and fun in any sense in any like if you if you think about if you're a parent or

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and you have kids and you want them to do something they don't want to do like how do you get them

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involved it's not like well you are not been cleaning up your room and you better clean up

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your room right now like that is not a very inviting way to do it but if you're like put on

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some fun music and dance and be like oh i wonder if we could put all the trash in the trash can

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before the song's over that makes it more fun right and so they're more likely to come along

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so but it is a big you know it's a big problem yeah no it's interesting i just interviewed um

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a researcher who's going to very well know when it comes to firefighter wellness and one of the

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most startling things she was talking about we're really focusing on the impact of sleep

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deprivation which in turn creates weight gain destroys you know the sexual hormones i mean all

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the things that lead to the cancers and the heart attacks and you know infertility but also passing

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it on to our children the pediatric cancers you know and the the autism and some of these other

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areas so this is i think you know why this is such an important conversation when the pandemic

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happened you know the most heartbreaking thing aside from the people that we lost of course was

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that we had a captive audience we had a beautiful opportunity to really reframe health in this

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country we had an opportunity to take the terrible food out of our schools and put good food back in

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just like we used to you know before industry um you know to to put p.e programs back to put more

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exercise equipment and parks in in cities um but this is another layer you know we have you know a

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high divorce rate we have a lot of you know issues when it comes to relationships and this is a

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compounding factor too so it's not just about the fact that someone's going to drop dead of a heart

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attack it's also that someone can be a more active lover in a relationship or a more active parent

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for their children it is so true and i wish that we there's so many things that need to happen

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in a early childhood area level that could make such a difference maybe one day it will but i

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think that is true because even from a young age and i'm grateful for um the school that my kid

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goes to is specifically a movement oriented school so they do an hour of exercise every morning

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before they start their day but that's moved away from many schools and there's no p.e and there's

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no help classes i remember even we had those coming along learning how to cook healthy food

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people don't learn this and then also again back to that cultural situation of people having no

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time and so they rely on convenience foods which aren't the healthiest and then they don't learn

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the skills to cook or to you know find choices that are more supportive to nourish themselves and it

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it's kind of a vicious cycle like you say it does pass down absolutely well we're on this the topic

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of schools for a second if you were queen for a day what would sex ed look like through you know

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the k-12 well i think that's such a good question well definitely for one it could be more

388
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:57,040
pleasure-based right and just more informative from all ages and i think even when you start

389
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:02,160
i think i will say i think it's getting better in some areas at least here because listening to the

390
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:08,160
curriculum that i've been exposed to through my kids schools but um you know even starting as early

391
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:14,480
as is like third or fourth grade just sharing about your body and growing up and what that looks like

392
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:20,080
and to be aware um because i think purity hits people at different ages and i think that's

393
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:23,760
i think purity hits people at different ages and it can be really scary if they've never heard

394
00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:28,160
anything about it and sadly sometimes that's the case like there's plenty of instances of girls

395
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:31,600
that don't understand about their period and they think they're dying when they start their period

396
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:36,320
because it can happen as early as nine nowadays i mean so i think it's really just starting that

397
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:40,560
conversation and also teaching i wish they would do this even in the pediatric office from a young

398
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:45,680
age it's just like telling people talking about their bodies and you know explaining the parts

399
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:49,360
of their body so they don't think it's anything different if i'm talking about my elbow or my

400
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:55,120
boulder or my penis or my ear or whatever it is that it's just a normal part of conversation that

401
00:36:55,120 --> 00:37:06,400
it's nothing to be um ashamed about or to have any kind of fear about but i think that you know that

402
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,360
will happen even when you do your best i think that's why we have to do our best at home because

403
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,720
as soon as they get to school and they start talking about it in class and someone's going

404
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:17,360
to make some comment and everybody laughs and then that's when that's another time when the

405
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:21,440
shame comes in or just that conditioning around oh well this is something to laugh at or this is

406
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:27,360
something that i should be embarrassed about yeah but i would say i would want them to learn about

407
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:30,800
their bodies i would like them to learn about the parts of their body i would like them to learn

408
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:35,760
about how their body works and really understand the anatomy and also from a health perspective

409
00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:39,600
like the more we pay attention to our bodies the more we can notice if something's different in

410
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:45,120
an uncomfortable way or that might be an unhealthy way and so that we start you know just like you

411
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:51,680
would brush your hair and you know wash your face that you you know check out your body and make

412
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,920
sure everything's looking good and feeling good all even your genitals and all the parts of us

413
00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:01,440
i think that would reduce a lot of shame around it too and i think it's also sometimes a gendered

414
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:06,480
shame because i think more often than not like girls get more shamed around their bodies and

415
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,240
boys or at least they don't talk about it this much i mean i remember i was at a friend's house

416
00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:15,920
once and um you know she we were hanging out and we were she was bathing the kids or whatever and

417
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,960
you know she's like telling her kid to bathe down there and i was like why don't you just call it a

418
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:23,920
vulva she was like oh i hate that and i was like that's what it is like what do you call your what

419
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:28,640
do you call your son's genitals she's like penis i'm like what's the difference right just if you

420
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:33,680
don't even speak it then there's a layer of shame that's just automatically there right so um and

421
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:38,800
then also talking about you know what are healthy boundaries what is consent what does that mean how

422
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:44,720
do you really know when you're feeling yes and no and how can you discern if it's you know you also

423
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:48,400
have to bring your brain in sometimes when it doesn't want to be there and vice versa right

424
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:52,080
sometimes you want to turn your brain off but it's like listening like what is the really safe way

425
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:57,280
to move forward when is it you know making sure that i'm in alignment here is this a good decision

426
00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:05,600
or not yeah well i think another area is you know that i i was just blown away in a very sad way

427
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:09,840
how many of the male guests i had on especially that were first responders or military members

428
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:14,720
were sexually assaulted as children and so you get to see behind this curtain and you talk about

429
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:19,520
taboo that's probably the most taboo thing for a man to admit is that he was raped by another man

430
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:24,640
when he was a small child but it's a very real thing so if we're not having these sexual

431
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:30,080
conversations you're not you know educating the child as you said consent what's right what's

432
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:36,160
wrong and you know to remove the shame so god forbid someone tries to do it they can immediately

433
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:42,480
come to you and say you know this is this is what just happened because i mean i've heard so many

434
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:47,120
times where the predator has basically said you know you got to keep this our secret you know your

435
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:51,760
mom and dad will be be angry well if you never talk to your child about that then they're going

436
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:56,400
to believe that but if you have an open line of communication the chances of them getting away

437
00:39:56,400 --> 00:40:00,960
with something like that are a lot slimmer that is so true and i feel really grateful that my

438
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:07,040
my daughter's school had a really big curriculum around this i think when she was around first

439
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:13,600
grade and they do it every other year but it's really around um prevention like child abuse

440
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:18,480
prevention so it's teaching kids exactly those things what to look out for and also as parents

441
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:25,280
and things to say in ways to um kind of create a healthy environment and even simple things that

442
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:29,600
we don't think about oftentimes as parents when we send our kids off to play like if you're sending

443
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:33,840
your friend to a kid's house you're sending your kid to a friend's house um versus just being like

444
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:37,360
you know you listen to the parents and do what they say it's like if anything that makes you

445
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:41,360
feel unsafe happens there you tell me right away and doing it in front of the other parent doing

446
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:45,440
it in front of the babysitter so that they know like oh i better not try anything because these

447
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:49,920
parents are are on to me or that you know what i mean i hate to say it but oftentimes it's someone

448
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:54,080
that you know and there's a grooming process involved and so it's a very complicated and it's

449
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:59,840
very real like you say and so the more we understand the more kids understand the more they can

450
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:05,520
protect themselves and i think that's a big part of the education is then the more someone knows

451
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,440
the more they are aware and the more they can care for themselves because we're not going to

452
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,840
always be there and we want them to be able to care for themselves when they're on their own

453
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:20,000
which is a big part of it absolutely well i want to hit one more area and then go into you know

454
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:26,400
the the healing tools that you found for yourself you mentioned about hypersexuality it reminds me

455
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:32,960
that it was incredible i had a guest on who had written he was a bouncer back in england

456
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:38,320
and so he'd written books on fighting and as a young still small boy you know i was you know so

457
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:44,080
kind of meek and so i read all his books and you know it's this big guy with a flat nose and a

458
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:49,120
shaved head and years later i do this podcast and his name comes up in conversation i'm like oh man

459
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:54,640
i should i should try and get him on one day so we we sit down and talk and he opens up about the

460
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:59,680
sexual assault that he you know was uh receiving over and over and over again by his martial arts

461
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:07,200
instructor and he was very graphic too when he told the story he talked about the hypersexuality

462
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:11,920
towards himself so the masturbation and some of these things but it was you know it was almost

463
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:18,080
like so almost kind of self-mutilation to that point but you hear this with some people you know

464
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:23,200
whether they were it was a young girl called a whore because she had big boobs and then has

465
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:28,720
a sexual experience finally and then kind of goes in the hypersexuality side so you know expand on

466
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:33,520
that a little bit you know what what have you seen yourself or some of the women that you've worked

467
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:39,520
with as far as the impact of trauma sending down that road because you know i guess in in one

468
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:46,640
perspective it's almost like oh you've said i'm this person so let me just become this person then

469
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:54,960
yeah so i think a lot of it you know we our bodies are really smart and they develop these coping

470
00:42:54,960 --> 00:43:02,000
mechanisms that um at some point served a purpose but then at another point they're not serving the

471
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:06,640
purpose anymore but there's a part of us that like still thinks it needs to react in that way

472
00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:12,800
and i think when it comes to hypersexuality that could be more around like just um expressing

473
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:18,080
yourself without regard to the effect that has on others too right even you know really wanting to

474
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:22,880
be very potentially what our culture would quote unquote define as like sexual and how you dress

475
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:29,280
like maybe wearing certain things and um expressing yourself in certain ways or having a lot of sex or

476
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:36,400
whatever it is it's kind of but it's doing it from more of a um an unhealthy place it's like this

477
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:42,720
need to feed this it's kind of like a there's a need to feed this part of you and it's kind of

478
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:44,720
like a

479
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:50,080
it's not quite finding the regulated way to do it and and just so and i'm sure many of your listeners

480
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:54,240
already kind of understand this but i'll just explain this really briefly this really based

481
00:43:54,240 --> 00:44:01,600
nervous system explanation is that typically um we want to kind of respond in our range of resilience

482
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:05,680
or our window of tolerance which is where something happens like there's a stimulus like say for

483
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:10,640
example you hear a loud noise you turn you realize it was just someone slamming their car door you

484
00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:14,800
and just a couple minutes your nervous system comes back down you're back into regulation you

485
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:19,760
go about your business but what can happen is if you have had trauma or have had experiences you

486
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,240
hear that loud noise and then it gets your anxiety going you have this type of arousal maybe your

487
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:30,400
heart rate is fast your breathing shallows um and it takes a really long time for you to come back to

488
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:37,600
feeling more balanced right that is that's kind of if your body is tuned into that hyper arousal

489
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:42,720
state and so the same thing happens when we are kind of in that way in our sexuality it's like

490
00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:50,000
there's there's that constant um need to feed that and constant desire to to feed it and in a way it's

491
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:54,160
to try to get control of the situation right it's trying to gain control of a situation that you did

492
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:59,760
not have control in before because oftentimes that's what happens when we are um if something

493
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:03,680
traumatic has happened right it was too much too fast too soon or as one of my teachers Rachel

494
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:10,160
Madick says I love her description it's an embodied violation hangover in whatever way that looks so

495
00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:15,200
that's kind of how that shows up does that make sense no it does and it's interesting because from

496
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:22,640
a male perspective um you know that there's examples where people were you know rampant as far as their

497
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:29,840
infidelity and when you look at the the kind of um the physiology post-orgasm for a man there's a

498
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:35,440
kind of deregulation of the nervous system albeit temporary so then they start winding up again and

499
00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:39,520
now they're kind of seeking that as well so you've got as you said the control element but I think

500
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:44,560
you've got the physiological response as well that the body kind of yearns for which is down regulation

501
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:50,880
yep exactly and that that's how that's one of the ways that we figure that out in the not so healthy

502
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:56,240
way right but it's like getting the result that you need but not in the healthy way of doing it yes

503
00:45:56,240 --> 00:46:00,320
yes no because there's probably a lot more stress on the other end when you've just finished and you

504
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:04,880
look at the person you know I don't want to be with you I should be with my wife so yeah and I

505
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:10,080
also yeah I also want to name too like a lot of times these they I want to just give some empathy

506
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:13,760
if someone is experiencing this because a lot of it is beyond your control in a certain way like

507
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:20,000
once you hit a certain point it's really hard sometimes to to to shift so it's really really

508
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:24,960
a process of learning how to maybe complete the incomplete stress cycles that your body didn't

509
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:32,560
get to complete and to work through like what is the root of this and then that way your nervous

510
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:39,120
system responds differently over time well let's get to that then so you found yourself in this

511
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:43,680
place obviously you mentioned eating disorders you meant it mentioned hypersexuality you know

512
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:50,480
you had this relationship that was kind of asexual at that point what were what was kind of the lowest

513
00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:56,320
point and then what were some of the tools that you started to find for your own healing well I

514
00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:02,000
think what you know when I really I think that there was a relationship that you know beautiful

515
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:05,680
person but I would we just weren't right for each other and for too long I just wanted to leave but

516
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:10,480
I would didn't because for all the reasons like oh well I'm not good enough or all the stories I

517
00:47:10,480 --> 00:47:14,720
told myself and so I just made the decision I remember I was at the beach with my family and

518
00:47:14,720 --> 00:47:20,160
I was like this is just I cannot live like this I mean I think I was probably 20 pounds overweight

519
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:24,720
and I was drinking way too much and I was doing all the numbing behaviors that I could possibly do to

520
00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:30,320
not feel my situation which was I wasn't happy right and I'm sure they weren't either because

521
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:36,880
how could they be you know and so I think realizing too that I just had to stop and

522
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:41,280
take care of myself and so I did I mean that's when I really I went back to my therapist and I

523
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:46,160
found a new one and then I started doing more triathlons and that was a really healing thing

524
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:52,960
and then I realized through that that I'm capable of a lot more than I thought I was

525
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:56,320
you know I think we give ourselves such a hard time where things feel so hard because when you

526
00:47:56,320 --> 00:48:00,080
are overwhelmed and when you're shut down and have depression I mean that there's really there's not

527
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:05,840
the motivation and it's it's a biological thing sometimes like you just can't make the choices

528
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:11,680
but I think with the right support and if you have some accountability then you can do it and I think

529
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:16,480
that it doesn't mean it's easy but it's doable and you just have to take the steps along the way that

530
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:22,400
make it feel more doable and I often relate it to exercise because that's something I can connect to

531
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:28,880
but I remember when I first got back into running like I could barely run and so I would like walk

532
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:33,600
for five minutes and run for a minute and walk for five minutes and run for a minute

533
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:38,720
and you do that long enough and then you get a little bit more endurance right and then you can

534
00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:42,240
get a little bit more as you know from your training like you can ramp up but it's not like

535
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:46,960
you go out there and you just go run 26 miles because that would overstress your system and

536
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:50,960
you would totally shut down and that would not be good but I think that's just the reminders like

537
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:55,760
there's baby steps you can take and that is the key and that's really how our nervous system grows

538
00:48:55,760 --> 00:49:01,200
because we're meant to you know if we just give it a little stress that's the point where it can

539
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:07,760
find a different way of reacting but if we overdo it and like stretch it too much then that's

540
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:13,360
overstressing and we're gonna you know take two steps backwards versus going forward and I think

541
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:18,320
that's what can happen a lot of times with sexuality specifically is that you know we

542
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:23,920
want things to be so different so we might push ourselves past a point that we didn't want to and

543
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:31,040
then we kind of like there's that shutdown again especially if there's been trauma in the past or

544
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,960
you know there's a lot that you're holding on and let's face it like when you're dealing with a lot

545
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:40,880
of things dramatically every day and you hold space for so many things then there's a part of you that

546
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:44,640
you know kind of has to disconnect you have to have a little bit of healthy disassociation to

547
00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:50,160
do your job well and to show up in the way you need to but then there comes a time when you want

548
00:49:50,160 --> 00:49:54,160
to be intimate with your partner and you want to fully connect but there's a layer that's like

549
00:49:54,160 --> 00:50:00,240
can't do that because of the vulnerability or whatever else might get touched on if you were

550
00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:08,080
to allow that deep of a surrender yeah. So talk to me talk to me about the journey from

551
00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:17,360
starting to heal yourself to becoming a healer. Well I think for me you know I did a lot with

552
00:50:17,360 --> 00:50:22,320
with the talk therapy that was so helpful in so many ways and then through all the triathlons

553
00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:28,800
and everything just feeling so much better in my body and just the power that I reconnected to just

554
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:34,160
through my own aliveness which I think is a big part of the trauma trauma resolution work I do is

555
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:39,840
to help people connect to that aliveness again and then of course I met my wonderful husband

556
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:46,640
and we had a really amazing relationship and then you know we had a baby and I think after that

557
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:53,280
that's when a lot of things came back which is very common is through birth can bring up a lot

558
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:57,360
of past trauma and things of that nature and I just remember feeling I thought I was doing all

559
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:02,240
the right things for myself after my daughter was born she was probably around a year old and I just

560
00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:07,600
remember one morning in particular and I was walking to the bathroom and I she had this like

561
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:13,200
musical train I tripped over it and I was like and I kicked it and I was like I'm the only one

562
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:18,240
that ever does anything around here feeling all this rage and resentment and I went to the bathroom

563
00:51:18,240 --> 00:51:23,760
and I looked at myself in the mirror and I'm like so depleted and exhausted and I was had zero

564
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:29,120
connection with the person looking back at me and I just remember in that moment being like

565
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:33,600
it's not being my life and I couldn't understand it either because I felt I was doing all the right

566
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:38,640
things for myself now I was working out I became a personal trainer at that point and I was teaching

567
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:43,360
stroller strides which is this workout you do with your kid in the stroller and so you run around

568
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:48,160
and you entertain your kid and you exercise the kid in the stroller so it's really great and then

569
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:51,760
I was you know I was very involved in my community and of course and my and my husband I had a really

570
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:56,400
good relationship I just was so disconnected from myself and I just remember in that moment that I

571
00:51:56,400 --> 00:52:00,720
was just I made a little commitment to follow the breadcrumbs whatever that would take to feel

572
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:05,520
better and um and I was not diagnosed with postpartum depression which maybe that there

573
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:10,640
was a little bit of that because but I I didn't know what it was and so I thought all right well

574
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:14,720
I got to do something to change this and so one of the things I did I remember I started working

575
00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:18,000
with a coach and that was the first time I'd ever worked with a coach I was like well let's try

576
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:23,760
something different and it was amazing because it really was focused on desires and my strengths

577
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:28,560
and like kind of going towards what is it that I want to do now and I think if anyone you know

578
00:52:28,560 --> 00:52:33,280
once you have if anyone out there has had a kid then it does it's like this huge life transition

579
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:40,000
and especially later in life because I was 38 when my daughter was born and so it's a whole shift of

580
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:44,960
like well who am I now and I'm so used to living my life on my terms and doing whatever we want

581
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:50,400
whatever we want now there's like oh I have zero time and I never do anything for myself and that

582
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:55,040
was part of it and the other breadcrumb I followed was this online course I found around um like

583
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:58,480
spicing things up in the bedroom and I was like well that sure can't hurt because anyone with a

584
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:05,840
new baby knows that's not the best time of your sex life um so I started doing this work and I

585
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:10,240
remember when I first started I was mortified like I didn't want anyone to know I was doing it

586
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:14,080
I was so embarrassed there was a Facebook group I was like I would never join that Facebook group

587
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:18,480
I don't want anyone to know I'm doing and but then I started doing the practices and it was a lot

588
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:24,000
around um um not just spicing things up in the bedroom it was about connecting to yourself and

589
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:29,200
really learning how to activate your own sexual energy and how to take care of your own body and

590
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:35,040
really reconnect to what your desires are even from just a a level of what feels good in my body

591
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:41,200
like what do I enjoy and I think I had become really disconnected from that and I just remember

592
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:46,480
after doing this work I felt so much more energy and I don't even my husband noticed such a

593
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:51,840
difference in me and he was always like oh yeah go do your practice go do your practice he was

594
00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:57,520
very happy with how things were yeah and so I realized I was like man why are we never taught

595
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:02,320
these things like this is nothing I ever learned I never even learned about my anatomy the the

596
00:54:02,320 --> 00:54:07,200
like the capacity of what it's capable of until I was in my late 30s and started doing this work

597
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:11,840
and so I just at that moment I I was like okay this has been such a drastic transformation for

598
00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:18,480
me in my relationship and I knew like I want every person to know this specifically like I was like

599
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:22,960
all the women in the world to know this I want everyone to know this is possible and um because

600
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:27,280
if it's possible for me it's possible for anyone and I think a lot of the work too had to do with

601
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:33,760
there was a lot of of a component of working with your body and like really kind of I had not done

602
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:38,800
that before in that way you know I done a lot of talk therapy but never around like being with my

603
00:54:38,800 --> 00:54:44,960
body sensations or you know if I massage my body in this way what happens and realizing how much

604
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:49,760
was still there that I hadn't moved that hadn't moved through that was really holding me back

605
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:54,720
sexually and even just vulnerably with my husband I like had thought I would open my heart to him

606
00:54:54,720 --> 00:55:01,600
but that was it was only probably about 20 open and so that was another huge part of it that I

607
00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:06,960
didn't realize um so yeah from then I started training with my mentor one of my mentors Laila

608
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:11,040
Martin I did her beta sex love and relationship coaching and then when I started working with

609
00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:16,000
clients I realized there's so much trauma wrapped up in this that I want more in that area so I did

610
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:21,280
another two-year trauma certification called Rebloom and then also somatic experiencing which really

611
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:27,280
there the focus is to work somatically with the things that are the material that is stuck that

612
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:31,760
is keeping you from you know your full aliveness and so that's kind of how I weave that all together

613
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:37,520
and what I do now long story no it's a good story though and I think this when I think about

614
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:45,440
you know the last few years I've been with my wife almost 11 years now um there were times I

615
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:50,080
can think about you know where I just couldn't turn my brain off and therefore the sex was you

616
00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:55,360
know it wasn't bad but you know like for example in these exact these particular situations I

617
00:55:55,360 --> 00:56:00,160
couldn't finish like my mind was just completely disconnected so you know it seems like that's the

618
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:06,320
kind of the the first go-to is just simply to address that which not only is great for

619
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:11,440
mental health it's also great for performance on the fire ground or as a police officer or a soldier

620
00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:16,240
so it's kind of ironic that it's the same work that affects so many of these different areas

621
00:56:16,240 --> 00:56:22,480
positively including you know your sex life and I think just to name that too it's like

622
00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:27,200
that once you have the ability you also can discern when you want to fully turn it on and off

623
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:31,840
I think that's a lot of times people's fear is like well what if I you know start tuning into

624
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:37,680
this and then I'm hypersensitive to everything or I um you know what if I get too sexual or

625
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:44,960
what if then my body's sensations are overwhelming or um all the things that people can think and I

626
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:49,840
just want that's the beauty of once you kind of learn the tools in your body figures it out then

627
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:55,200
you can turn up the dial just like you're not going to be walking down a dark alley at 2 a.m

628
00:56:55,200 --> 00:56:59,120
with your dial turned up to 10 you know you're probably at least for a woman right you're going

629
00:56:59,120 --> 00:57:05,040
to turn it down um so yeah yeah that was surprising Margot wouldn't have you just jumped on top of them

630
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:12,480
started dry humping them because you were on 10 so I want to just address one area before we go

631
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:18,320
into unpacking you know what it is you know the tools a lot of us probably don't even realize when

632
00:57:18,320 --> 00:57:27,440
it comes to amplifying our sexuality from my view it seems like the I mean I guess it's bled into

633
00:57:27,440 --> 00:57:33,440
films a little bit really the porn industry has done a massive disservice to romanticism and

634
00:57:33,440 --> 00:57:39,120
sexuality and and the the more extreme it gets then it seems to kind of open another dark door

635
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:44,880
which gets worse and worse and worse and I feel a lot of you know young girls especially are thinking

636
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:52,400
that it's normal to have these extremities you know sexually um that you know I'm sure

637
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:57,280
100 150 years ago weren't in most people's minds of course people would be you know

638
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:04,160
have have a spectrum of sexual experiences but not constantly bombarded as the norm so what have you

639
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:09,440
seen as far as the impact of that world on some of the struggles that you've helped women through

640
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:15,040
it I mean I think that is a big problem and not only just in the porn industry but also what we

641
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:19,760
see in the movies which is so unrealistic that people don't really understand what it takes

642
00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:26,240
to have a great sex life or they're very performative I hear that a lot too and I see

643
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:30,960
this a lot my clients is there's a lot of a performance aspect versus actually an enjoyment

644
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:35,360
being able to really be in your body and feel your sensations and communicate what feels good and like

645
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:40,400
enjoy your partner and all the things versus like do I look good or am I making the right sound and

646
00:58:40,400 --> 00:58:44,800
that again is keeping you all up in your head so you can't actually enjoy your experience and I

647
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:51,520
think too a lot of what we see on porn is very unrealistic um again the other problem there is

648
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:56,560
there's often a lot of unconscious consumption like kind of like in a numbing way which often

649
00:58:56,560 --> 00:59:01,440
is to get that dopamine hit which we use many behaviors for but the problem stems from if that's

650
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:06,560
um you know becomes a compulsive thing where you're just like hunched down looking at your

651
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:12,000
computer having a quick orgasm then that doesn't translate into connecting with another person

652
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:19,360
and then it becomes harder and harder for you to respond in different situations and I think that

653
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:22,960
can be a challenge in relationships when that happens because porn addiction is a big thing

654
00:59:23,600 --> 00:59:28,800
you know if you have a compulsive way that you reach orgasm every time then you might have to

655
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:32,880
you might have to increase the intensity of whatever you're watching to be able to get the

656
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:40,480
same experience which is why oftentimes it can be you know um unrealistic to what a normal or not

657
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:44,080
let me let me just put that I'm going to scratch that word normal because I think whatever two

658
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:49,520
consenting adults agree to do is great and that is wonderful but it's just like if it's affecting

659
00:59:49,520 --> 00:59:54,080
your ability to connect with your partner then that's when it becomes a problem and I think

660
00:59:54,080 --> 01:00:00,880
there's a lot of things that we can do unconsciously that you know I just think about my big thing is

661
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:05,680
inviting in a consciousness to what you're doing whatever that is right I think that's really

662
01:00:05,680 --> 01:00:09,680
important thing I've learned from this work is there's a consciousness to everything I do

663
01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:15,760
whether that's a consciousness to how I'm drinking my coffee that I lovingly made how I um you know

664
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:22,400
dress myself how I wash my body how I communicate with my kid how I communicate with my husband how

665
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:27,120
I drive my car how I show up in a sexual encounter like there's just a different consciousness to it

666
01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:31,600
and I think that is the that's kind of one of the first steps is you can just think okay if I'm

667
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:35,760
choosing to do this great and there's a time and a place like I want to eat this bag of chips all

668
01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:39,920
right I'm going to eat some chips it's not going to be the end of the world but it's more of like

669
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:44,640
what am I what is it I don't want to feel or what is it that that's the point of this is I just want

670
01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:48,880
to like a release and I just want to feel better or is it that I just want that dopamine rush or

671
01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:52,640
is there and maybe is there other ways I can get that but what's usually what's the need beneath

672
01:00:52,640 --> 01:00:59,120
that and I think that's the thing that we don't often want to look at. Why do you think that rape

673
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:04,640
element that you see so often from from the male perspective the demeaning of women the you know

674
01:01:04,640 --> 01:01:09,920
I mean there's no other way to describe it basically you know dramatized rape in in the

675
01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:17,520
guise of porn is so popular. I mean I think honestly a lot of it again is our cultural

676
01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:23,840
conditioning around violence like we see so much of it and I think specifically for men oftentimes

677
01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:31,120
you know that's the only way they're conditioned to the only appropriate emotions are anger right

678
01:01:31,680 --> 01:01:39,040
and that's that's allowed but no vulnerability no crying no all the things right because

679
01:01:39,760 --> 01:01:46,480
that's just not allowed oftentimes growing up and so that makes it hard to have a spectrum of emotions

680
01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:53,360
and so the violence one is an easy one to go to and that feeling of power of control of domination

681
01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:59,600
like there is a power to that but also there's a way to access that power that's in a more healthy

682
01:01:59,600 --> 01:02:04,480
way versus like and I think too again if this is like a fantasy and it's consensual with both

683
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:10,000
parties great but like the non-consensual rape or like really that taking someone else's sovereignty

684
01:02:10,880 --> 01:02:15,680
when we reinforce those images and those things especially when you're a heightened state because

685
01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:19,920
when you're when you have arousal you're in an altered state which it changes the way our brains

686
01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:25,040
function and so that we more normalize violence which is why you see such horrific things in the

687
01:02:25,040 --> 01:02:31,360
world and people are just like because they're totally deconditioned to it so that's what I have

688
01:02:31,360 --> 01:02:35,520
to say to that yeah. Yeah well I mean these are just important conversations you don't hear very

689
01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:41,200
often and you know I see it as a man you know and I when I after my divorce you know I bumbled through

690
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:49,120
dating in my late 30s and you know had some dates that ended up in sex and were so unfulfilling they

691
01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:54,160
were consensual completely but it was it was sex and it was like and then I met me and my wife and

692
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:59,040
you know here we are 11 years later still as you know physically attracts to each other as we were

693
01:02:59,040 --> 01:03:03,600
then so you know there's so much more on the other side of that that human connection I think it's an

694
01:03:03,600 --> 01:03:11,680
important conversation so with that then let's talk about the the mental health tools that are

695
01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:16,400
available that we're not aware of like psychedelics and things so let's talk about the sexual you know

696
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:20,480
growth that is available to a lot of us that most of us are probably completely ignorant to.

697
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:28,000
Well I think too because we're never taught that about that and our most of us learn that sex is

698
01:03:28,000 --> 01:03:32,880
you know if a penis enters a vagina and then there's an ejaculation right but that is just

699
01:03:32,880 --> 01:03:37,680
one of the many different ways people can engage in sexual activity and I think that's what a lot

700
01:03:37,680 --> 01:03:43,120
of us hear and so there's very little about you know women's sexual pleasure or just even the

701
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:50,160
extent of how you can expand your orgasmic experiences. I think that I read somewhere

702
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:56,800
that the average sexual experience lasts around like three to fifteen minutes and for most women

703
01:03:56,800 --> 01:04:01,760
to be fully for their fully for them to be fully engorged because we actually have just as much

704
01:04:01,760 --> 01:04:07,600
erectile tissue as a male body it's just arranged differently it takes about anywhere from 20 to 45

705
01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:13,200
minutes and so even just hearing that people are always like what um most of the time people aren't

706
01:04:13,200 --> 01:04:19,440
aware of that and I think that is a shame because you know obviously we again we live in a culture

707
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:24,000
where we don't have a lot of time to explore the things that make us feel good and so but I think

708
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:30,320
when you can just learn ways to expand your pleasure capacity to be able to hold more to be

709
01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:36,480
able to experience more sensation and hold the pleasure of it for a longer bit of time it first

710
01:04:36,480 --> 01:04:41,600
of all makes for amazing sexual experiences but it also translates into other areas of your life

711
01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:47,280
because then you're able to have more capacity to enjoy what's good in your life you have more

712
01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:55,120
capacity to um really I think enjoy all the boxes that you've checked off because I think that's

713
01:04:55,120 --> 01:04:59,760
what I hear from a lot of men and women is that you know I work hard and I have done all the things

714
01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:07,280
and I'm just like not happy right because I've checked all the boxes and I have the things but I

715
01:05:07,280 --> 01:05:12,480
am not happy and I think that is part of it is because we are just like go go go but the part

716
01:05:12,480 --> 01:05:19,680
of us that wants to actually relax and enjoy has a hard time coming out. So how are you helping

717
01:05:19,680 --> 01:05:26,400
through the coaching these you know women mainly um kind of tap into those areas that were kind of

718
01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:33,120
shut down before? Yeah and a lot of this is it's learning to first of all I always start out with

719
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:38,000
teaching people just some basic tools of nervous system regulation and thankfully this is becoming

720
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:43,760
more and more mainstream because it is so needed and especially you know with first responders is

721
01:05:43,760 --> 01:05:48,400
what do I I mean what does that even mean how can I do these things but it's things that you know

722
01:05:48,400 --> 01:05:51,920
that I like the term of like full body exhale it's like the things that just make your whole

723
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:56,880
body feel like what are those things for you what are those things that help you just like kind of

724
01:05:56,880 --> 01:06:02,800
reconnect to the present moment that could be drinking a glass of water it could be taking a

725
01:06:02,800 --> 01:06:09,440
walk could be feeling the sun on your skin it could be um you know just looking around your space and

726
01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:15,920
noticing okay right now in this moment I am in a safe space like I I know where I am and today at

727
01:06:15,920 --> 01:06:23,280
this time is you know May 16th at 1207 MST you can just bring yourself to the moment and also you know

728
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:27,840
just looking around like okay if I look around my space what are some things I can connect to well

729
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:33,280
right now I'm noticing so like I will say what are three things that you can see in your space that

730
01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:37,760
are pleasant or that draw your eye well I have like this really sparkly gold pillow that I like to look

731
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:42,480
at and then what are some things you can name about that well I notice it's like that you know

732
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:47,760
kind of gold sparkles and I like the texture of it because it's kind of got this leathery feel

733
01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:54,080
and I like the color and then so maybe you can look around like what are some things you see

734
01:06:54,080 --> 01:06:58,320
in your environment and can you describe a few things about them and then also you can tune in

735
01:06:58,320 --> 01:07:03,840
and this can be the part that's harder is starting to learn the language of your body which is called

736
01:07:03,840 --> 01:07:09,840
introception which is that ability to notice what's happening in your body so can I feel

737
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:16,080
the sensations that I notice in my body do I notice the temperature do I notice um you know and

738
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:20,720
the language of your body can also be called the felt sense and there's lots of ways you can connect

739
01:07:20,720 --> 01:07:25,280
to it right is there a temperature is there a pressure is there a bubbliness is there like a

740
01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:30,560
sharpness is there a a bubbly feeling you know there's so many ways to describe it but it's

741
01:07:30,560 --> 01:07:35,760
being able to tune in and notice like maybe it's a tightness maybe it's like a weight um and kind of

742
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:41,760
noticing like all right well I can tune in and do a little body scan and notice all right if I'm

743
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:46,880
just paying attention to say for example my arms what do I notice in my arms well I'm noticing my

744
01:07:46,880 --> 01:07:51,680
fingers kind of feel a little bit tingly and like I feel like kind of a cold sensation in my right

745
01:07:51,680 --> 01:07:57,360
palm and those kind of things and when you can not only feel it but then speak it out loud that's

746
01:07:57,360 --> 01:08:02,000
connecting different parts of your brain so those are kind of some of the basic steps that I'm like

747
01:08:02,000 --> 01:08:07,760
okay well these once I know these basic things then I can step into different to difficult territory

748
01:08:07,760 --> 01:08:12,000
and now I can always come back to these basic things right so I can just like

749
01:08:12,000 --> 01:08:16,800
hydrate in I can add a little bit of difficulty and see how my body responds and if it's too much I

750
01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:22,240
can come back out and that's kind of how I teach him to play with it because often then when we

751
01:08:22,240 --> 01:08:31,120
start to explore our body we might notice I feel nothing I don't feel a thing I'm numb um nothing

752
01:08:31,120 --> 01:08:35,600
I can't connect anything that's a very common one especially when people start doing this work

753
01:08:35,600 --> 01:08:40,240
um I don't notice anything in my body I don't notice anything right so if that's the case then

754
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:45,840
it's often just kind of learning that process and how do you do that well you start by just

755
01:08:45,840 --> 01:08:50,720
even listening to your breath and maybe placing a hand on your body somewhere and noticing okay if

756
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:57,520
I have my hand on my chest here can I feel the pressure of my hand on my chest yes or no is there

757
01:08:57,520 --> 01:09:03,040
any part of me that can feel it um if I notice it what do I notice is there a temperature okay

758
01:09:03,040 --> 01:09:09,040
maybe it feels a little bit warm I can feel the indentation of my hand on my skin I can feel my

759
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:14,480
clavicle right so it's those kind of things to kind of start the process and over time it becomes

760
01:09:14,480 --> 01:09:20,320
easier and there's practices that you can play with to kind of learn how to do that um and again

761
01:09:20,320 --> 01:09:24,240
at first it can be a while before if it feels numb right because there could be a lot of numbness

762
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:29,120
and oftentimes that is a process of just being with the numbness because that is also a sensation

763
01:09:29,680 --> 01:09:33,600
and as long as it takes showing up and like it feels kind of numb and just noticing what about

764
01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:39,200
the numbness is there is like an absence of feeling is it like a dullness is whatever right so you just

765
01:09:39,200 --> 01:09:46,080
keep exploring and over time then typically what's on the other side of the numbness is like pain or

766
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:53,280
emotional release or or it could be you know pain that lasts a little bit of time because this is

767
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:57,120
something that hasn't been felt for a reason in your body again it's smart it's not wanted to feel

768
01:09:57,120 --> 01:10:02,080
it so it's disconnected you from it that disassociation in a healthy way but then you want it to be there

769
01:10:02,080 --> 01:10:06,160
and it's not and I'll give an example of this because I think if anyone's breastfed out there

770
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:11,600
oftentimes your breast might be totally numb I know after I breastfed I could like stab my breast

771
01:10:11,600 --> 01:10:16,720
with my fingernail it wouldn't feel a thing but over time of like coming back to that and with

772
01:10:16,720 --> 01:10:21,440
the practice of breast and saws or just being present then eventually the sensation came back

773
01:10:21,440 --> 01:10:26,960
and now it's like a super pleasurable part of my body but for many people that can be an example of

774
01:10:26,960 --> 01:10:31,920
how that might show up and um and so then it's like kind of working through that so that you

775
01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:37,600
can move through and start to find the pleasurable sensations and then teaching your brain to kind of

776
01:10:37,600 --> 01:10:43,760
default to the pleasurable the pleasant sensations that you notice now what about the tantric

777
01:10:43,760 --> 01:10:51,120
philosophy talk to me about that yeah and so what I love about this is because I think when you are

778
01:10:51,120 --> 01:10:57,360
talking about tantra oftentimes when we kind of mix sex and tantra together it's because of

779
01:10:57,360 --> 01:11:02,720
neo-tantra which is not most of most of us think about when we're like weaving weaving them together

780
01:11:02,720 --> 01:11:09,760
um but it's really when I think about what I like about the neo-tantra because again

781
01:11:11,280 --> 01:11:19,040
to traditional tantra is based in Indian tradition and there's a lot of different lineages um but

782
01:11:19,920 --> 01:11:26,400
I think again the way I learned it is mostly kind of a mix I have mix of neo-tantric

783
01:11:27,120 --> 01:11:32,160
principles mixed in um and so when you think about what are the some of the traditional

784
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:38,560
ways of meditation um you know hafa yoga mudras different things of like that are

785
01:11:39,120 --> 01:11:43,600
kind of what you would think with a more traditional way but really a lot of it was

786
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:48,960
finding the divinity in everything right finding the divinity in the shadows finding the divinity in

787
01:11:49,760 --> 01:11:54,240
you know death and destruction and not only the good things but in all the things and kind of

788
01:11:54,240 --> 01:12:01,840
realizing that every part of life is sacred and divine every part of our bodies is sacred and

789
01:12:01,840 --> 01:12:07,840
divine and there's a consciousness to all of us so I think that like that consciousness is like the

790
01:12:07,840 --> 01:12:14,000
eternal principle of awareness so when we feel into that consciousness again that's what brings

791
01:12:14,000 --> 01:12:21,680
more um it's like that that energy that's in all of us kind of that original essence and

792
01:12:23,360 --> 01:12:29,040
that's what I think the one we when we translate it to having better connection it's really finding

793
01:12:29,040 --> 01:12:33,760
that like not only finding the divinity in yourself and reconnecting to that but also the divinity in

794
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:38,240
your partner and the divinity in all the aspects of your partner and every part of them and even

795
01:12:38,240 --> 01:12:41,840
the parts that you don't like right or even the parts that maybe you were taught were gross or

796
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:48,320
disgusting or but finding the divinity in you. Well I want to hit one more topic and then we'll

797
01:12:48,320 --> 01:12:52,080
go to some we'll go to the work that you do first and go to some closing questions but

798
01:12:52,960 --> 01:12:57,280
the last area especially when you talk about Indian culture that I think of is you know the

799
01:12:57,280 --> 01:13:04,400
karmasutra obviously is very famous and you know it's acrobatics with genitals um but there's

800
01:13:04,400 --> 01:13:12,400
almost I would imagine an element of shame if you're not doing bedroom gymnastics every single time

801
01:13:12,400 --> 01:13:17,920
you're making love so talk to me about that as they refer to the the vanilla sex these days.

802
01:13:18,800 --> 01:13:22,400
Yeah well I just first I'll just step back for one second and just I really want to honor the

803
01:13:22,400 --> 01:13:27,520
cultural roots and nuances of tantra because there's you know so many beautiful lineages that

804
01:13:27,520 --> 01:13:34,400
have been passed down but I will say um when it comes to that you know people think I know this

805
01:13:34,400 --> 01:13:37,840
this is maybe a well-heard joke but oftentimes because people will say that to me is it like

806
01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:42,960
sting and you have sex for four hours and you can but I think also you can look at it as like

807
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:51,120
a gourmet meal a five course gourmet meal or like a quick fast food feed food right so there's going

808
01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:56,400
to be a time and a place for everything but there are examples in times where you might want to

809
01:13:56,400 --> 01:14:02,080
enjoy like a five-star gourmet experience where you slow down and taste every morsel of your food

810
01:14:02,080 --> 01:14:08,400
and just like just revel in the deliciousness of every single bit of it in the environment and the

811
01:14:08,400 --> 01:14:13,280
way the food's plated and the colors and the textures and the um ambiance in your part in

812
01:14:13,280 --> 01:14:17,520
the person that you're eating with and really just letting it seep through every part of your

813
01:14:17,520 --> 01:14:24,800
body and being right and that's kind of like maybe a more ritual sex experience versus like there's

814
01:14:24,800 --> 01:14:27,760
going to be a time and a place when you're in a hurry and you might need to run grab some chipotle

815
01:14:28,320 --> 01:14:34,080
and you're going to eat it really fast in your car and that works too right so I think that I

816
01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:37,600
I like to use that example for sex too because sometimes there are going to be like the quickies

817
01:14:37,600 --> 01:14:40,800
and it's just fun to connect or just like have a quickie and go about your day or you don't have

818
01:14:40,800 --> 01:14:44,880
time and you just want that connection or just honestly sometimes you might not be in the mood

819
01:14:44,880 --> 01:14:48,720
but your partner is and you're not not willing but you're like all right well I'm sure what and it's

820
01:14:48,720 --> 01:14:53,360
not like you're saying no I mean it's not like we are saying yes when your body means no but it's

821
01:14:53,360 --> 01:14:57,200
just like you're like okay sure I'll give this as a gift to you right now because that feels good to

822
01:14:57,200 --> 01:15:02,720
me or vice versa right um and so there can be those experiences but I think when you can learn

823
01:15:02,720 --> 01:15:07,520
tools to expand your pleasure and to really work with your sexual energy and also understanding

824
01:15:07,520 --> 01:15:15,120
your erotic archetype there's so many different ways to play to to really enhance your experience

825
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:21,920
so talk to me about find your feminine fire and you know what you offer to the people out there

826
01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:28,000
listening if it's a road they choose to go down yeah well really find your feminine fire is all

827
01:15:28,000 --> 01:15:35,520
around like finding that aliveness within you and um I think that through our everyday life that part

828
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:40,160
of us is often turned off and again because we're going about our day we're doing all the things

829
01:15:40,160 --> 01:15:44,160
we're showing up for the people that need us and we are leaving ourselves at the end of the list

830
01:15:44,960 --> 01:15:49,360
and I think that find your feminine fire is around reconnecting to that so it's really learning the

831
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:55,840
tools first of all I mean I love this um kind of the overview of the archetypes of really

832
01:15:56,400 --> 01:16:00,560
what are the different layers that we move through to be able to heal and to be able to enjoy our

833
01:16:00,560 --> 01:16:06,560
sexual edge to its fullest and I think one of the easy ways to explain is um kind of like the model

834
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:12,320
of a plant so to speak because I think we too are a part of nature and I think sometimes when we've

835
01:16:12,320 --> 01:16:16,800
experienced a lot of trauma or if we're feeling really shut down or disconnected from that part

836
01:16:16,800 --> 01:16:22,000
of ourselves and again we go through seasons in life too so I want to just really quick name that

837
01:16:22,000 --> 01:16:26,880
that it's normal to go through seasons right maybe there's someone that's sick or maybe you're healing

838
01:16:26,880 --> 01:16:32,240
from an illness or an injury or cancer or all the things like there's periods in time where you might

839
01:16:32,240 --> 01:16:37,520
be in a winter and that's okay and normal but if you've been in this winter for a very very long

840
01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:43,440
time and you're ready to shift then that's when sometimes some help can can bring you out of that

841
01:16:43,440 --> 01:16:49,840
but I think the first part of it is kind of really remembering your worthiness because again that's a

842
01:16:49,840 --> 01:16:55,200
part of us that depending on our upbringing maybe we had a lot of neglect maybe we had a lot of

843
01:16:55,200 --> 01:17:00,560
exploitation whatever shame and repression coming along it's like remembering that we came into this

844
01:17:00,560 --> 01:17:06,080
world as like a perfect blueprint of health and you know kind of getting back to like what are

845
01:17:06,080 --> 01:17:11,920
the things that I need what do I need right what are what are my needs can I connect to them can I

846
01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:17,520
ask for them and can I meet them and again sometimes that takes some work to be able to do those things

847
01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:24,240
depending on your experience the second is is um kind of feeling the boundaries that support you

848
01:17:24,240 --> 01:17:30,000
right being able to have sovereignty over yourself feeling comfortable with the give and take of

849
01:17:30,000 --> 01:17:35,040
energy and being able to know like what is healthy for me to move towards and what is

850
01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:41,120
healthy for me to stay away from and how can I really feel that in my body and trust what I'm

851
01:17:41,120 --> 01:17:45,840
feeling is true because again depending on your experience maybe your body's telling you one thing

852
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:50,480
but you're like is that really right because it really safe for me to do this or is this really

853
01:17:50,480 --> 01:17:55,280
what I want to do right now um and kind of really learning that and often I will say this kind of

854
01:17:55,280 --> 01:18:00,720
can sometimes show up in long-term relationships too like I mentioned earlier if you are saying

855
01:18:00,720 --> 01:18:07,040
yes when your body means no again and again and again then you're going to have a sense of shutdown

856
01:18:07,040 --> 01:18:13,920
or numbness or disconnection from your pleasure and so it's kind of really learning how your body

857
01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:18,720
wants to be experienced how you want to experience and how you want to share it with others and then

858
01:18:18,720 --> 01:18:22,960
also being able to express your your your whole self expression because again that's where the

859
01:18:22,960 --> 01:18:28,880
shame healing comes in because so many of us have a lot of shame or repression or again depending on

860
01:18:28,880 --> 01:18:34,960
how that shows up um is working through that so that you can really feel safe to express your full

861
01:18:34,960 --> 01:18:39,840
self in all ways in all the areas not only just in the bedroom but outside as well.

862
01:18:41,200 --> 01:18:47,520
Brilliant and where it will find that online. Yeah so that you can go to um amandatessa.com

863
01:18:47,520 --> 01:18:53,280
that's where all my info is yeah. Beautiful well I'd love to throw a few closing questions at you

864
01:18:53,280 --> 01:18:58,640
if that's okay. Yes yes. All right the first one I love to ask is there a book or are there books

865
01:18:58,640 --> 01:19:03,280
that you love to recommend it can be related to our discussion today or completely unrelated?

866
01:19:04,000 --> 01:19:09,440
Oh yeah I I think one great book that I love is there's a new book that Emily Nabaski just

867
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:16,000
wrote called Come Together which is really great on just kind of understanding how to have better

868
01:19:16,000 --> 01:19:20,880
sex with your partner and I really like the way she uses kind of like the blueprint of a house to

869
01:19:20,880 --> 01:19:25,840
figure out how can I get the rooms where they need to be so that we can both come together and feel

870
01:19:25,840 --> 01:19:32,800
really good about it so that's one I really love. Brilliant what about films and documentaries any

871
01:19:32,800 --> 01:19:38,480
of those? You know what actually there's a lot of good stuff out there on Netflix so there was a

872
01:19:39,040 --> 01:19:43,600
great documentary that was really fun I think it was called the Pleasure Principles and it was like

873
01:19:43,600 --> 01:19:50,640
a little mini series on pleasure which I think is a really good one. Also Sex, Love, and Goop

874
01:19:51,920 --> 01:19:56,480
was another one on Netflix that kind of explores the erotic blueprints which is one of the

875
01:19:56,480 --> 01:20:02,160
things I really like to teach people and it's kind of like your love language but for your erotic

876
01:20:02,160 --> 01:20:07,760
expression. Brilliant all right well then next question is there a person that you'd recommend

877
01:20:07,760 --> 01:20:13,040
to come on this podcast as a guest to speak to the first responders, military, and associated

878
01:20:13,040 --> 01:20:21,600
professions of the world? Yes you know who I was thinking I really love Rachel Maddox she's one of

879
01:20:21,600 --> 01:20:29,520
my mentors and she speaks a lot to this so that could be someone and I also I don't know if you're

880
01:20:29,520 --> 01:20:34,400
familiar you might already be familiar with this person but my friend's husband Tom Johnson has

881
01:20:35,280 --> 01:20:41,120
he does a lot around fit for fire, fit to fight fire and so on a side note I will look up because

882
01:20:41,120 --> 01:20:47,120
I know through somatic experiencing there's a specific wing of that called scope that really

883
01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:53,840
specifically works with first responders and that's a great resource too but I will see if

884
01:20:53,840 --> 01:20:57,360
there's a specific spokesperson I can connect you with because I think that would be a fun

885
01:20:57,360 --> 01:21:03,120
conversation for you too. Fantastic thank you all right well the last question before we make sure

886
01:21:03,120 --> 01:21:09,760
everyone knows where to find you online what do you do to decompress? Well one of the things I love

887
01:21:09,760 --> 01:21:16,400
to do of course is have good sex but I also love to be in nature you know just being outside is a big

888
01:21:17,520 --> 01:21:23,040
big one for me live music outside those two things mixed together is even better.

889
01:21:25,360 --> 01:21:29,520
Fantastic all right well then we talked about the website there any places on social media people

890
01:21:29,520 --> 01:21:40,320
can find you as well. Yes you can find me on instagram at a b testa and I am also on Facebook

891
01:21:40,320 --> 01:21:47,280
at Amanda Testa Amanda Brown Testa so you can find me there too. Brilliant well Amanda I want to say

892
01:21:47,280 --> 01:21:51,440
thank you so much it's been such an interesting conversation very different than a lot of ones

893
01:21:51,440 --> 01:21:56,720
I normally have but again lo and behold mental health is a big part of sexuality too so you know

894
01:21:56,720 --> 01:22:01,680
there's so many intersecting elements of the circles again so I want to thank you so much

895
01:22:01,680 --> 01:22:05,200
for being so generous with your time and coming on the Behind the Shield podcast today.

896
01:22:05,200 --> 01:22:26,240
Yes thank you so much again for having me.