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This episode is sponsored by 511, a company that I've used for well over a decade and continue to use to this day.

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And 511 is offering you guys, the audience of the Behind the Shield podcast, a discount on every purchase you make with them.

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Before we get to that code, I want to highlight a couple of products that again, I personally use today.

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One of the most impressive products they just released is their Rush Backpack 2.0.

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Now for many of you, whether you're going to the fire station, the police station, whether you're traveling with your family,

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whether you're taking training courses, we have to fly, we have to drive, we have to take trains.

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And I have to say, I own multiple backpacks, many of 511's different ones, but as far as a daypack, this one was the most impressive.

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There are so many different compartments. The way it sits on your back is incredibly comfortable.

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If you are a concealed carry person, there's also a spot for a weapon.

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So they've thought of multiple, multiple things that a man or woman would have to do on a daily basis.

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That is in addition to all of the products that I talk about a lot.

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Their uniforms fit for men or fit for women in the first responder professions.

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The footwear that they offer, whether it's the Norris sneaker or the Atlas system that is designed for foot health

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and therefore knees and back and hips and shoulders and neck.

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As a civilian, I live in a lot of their clothes as well.

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Their jeans stretch, you can actually squat down in them.

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We live in Florida here, so I wear a lot of their shorts, which again, very, very lightweight material.

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You can get it wet and it will dry almost immediately.

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And then moving to the fitness and tactical space, I used to have just a regular weight vest.

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Recently, I switched to a 511 vest and actually bought ballistic plates as well.

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My thinking was simply if I'm going to have a vest, why not have one that protects me as well?

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And that tack vest is trusted by law enforcement all around the country.

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So I mentioned they were going to offer you a discount code.

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So if you go to 511tactical.com and enter the code SHIELD15, S-H-I-E-L-D-1-5,

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you'll get 15% off not just that one purchase, but every time you visit their store.

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And if you want to learn more about 511, their mission, their products,

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then listen to episode 338 of the Behind the Shield podcast with the CEO and founder, Francisco Morales.

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This episode is sponsored by Bubbs Naturals, yet another company that I track down to bring on as a sponsor

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because I myself love their products.

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They are offering you, the audience of the Behind the Shield podcast, a 20% discount.

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But before we get to that, I do want to highlight a few of the products that I use myself.

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Firstly, collagen. I am about to turn 50.

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And so my hair, my skin, my nails, not really a big concern when I was younger, definitely a lot more of a concern now.

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However, where I've really seen the impact is joint health and gut health.

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And I've been blown away that when I'm consistent using collagen, Bubbs collagen in this case,

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I see a massive improvement in both.

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Another area, I drink coffee, love coffee, and in the morning I use the Halo Creamer.

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Now originally I used the MCT Oil Powder, but now they have the Halo Creamer,

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which has also got grass-fed butter in it, a lot more creamy if you're not trying to go for the vegan option that they have as well.

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Now it's important to mention as well the altruistic element of Bubbs Naturals.

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The origin story involves Glenn, Bubb, Doherty, one of the two Navy SEALs killed in Benghazi,

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and a good friend of the founders, Sean and TJ.

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So 10% of every single sale goes towards the Glenn Doherty Foundation.

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Now as I mentioned before, they are offering you, the audience, 20% off your purchase if you use the code SHIELD.

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That's S-H-I-E-L-D at bubbsnaturals.com.

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And finally, if you want to hear more about their products and Glenn's powerful story,

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listen to episode 558 with co-founder Sean Lake.

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Welcome to the Behind the Shield Podcast, as always my name is James Gearing,

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and this week it is my absolute honor to welcome on the show,

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one championship atom weight champion and the woman behind fight story, Angela Lee Pucci.

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Now in this conversation we discuss a host of topics.

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From her journey into the world of martial arts, the pressures on youth athletes,

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her path into MMA, holding the championship for six years,

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her powerful mental health story, losing her younger sister to suicide,

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the creation of fight story, weight cutting and so much more.

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Now before we get to this incredible conversation, as I say every week, please just take a moment.

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Go to whichever app you listen to this on, subscribe to the show, leave feedback and leave a rating.

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Every single five star rating truly does elevate this podcast, therefore making it easier for others to find.

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And this is a free library of well over 900 episodes now.

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So all I ask in return is that you help share these incredible men and women stories,

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so I can get them to every single person on planet earth who needs to hear them.

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So with that being said, I introduce to you Angela Lee Pucci. Enjoy.

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Well, Angela, I want to say two things. Firstly, thank you to our mutual friend, Jesse Salas,

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for kind of making the introduction. And secondly, I want to welcome you this evening to the Behind the Shield podcast.

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Thank you. Yes. Big shout out to Jesse. He's a man and I'm happy to be here. Very excited.

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So where on planet earth are we finding you your afternoon, my evening?

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I am currently based in Oahu, Hawaii. And yeah, I've lived here majority of my life and yeah, lucky to call it home.

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Beautiful. Well, I know that's not where you were born. So I'd love to start the very beginning of your timeline.

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So tell me where you were born and tell me a little bit about your family dynamic, what your parents did, how many siblings?

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OK, yes, I was born in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada, and I was a mat baby.

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So when I was born, my parents were both martial arts instructors and they had multiple gyms in Canada.

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And so I grew up in the gym environment. Two years later, my brother Christian was born.

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And yeah, it you know, my earliest days, I just remember being in that environment and it was just like a second home to me.

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And yeah, I'm the oldest of four. So I have two other siblings, Victoria and Adrian, and they were born in Hawaii.

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I moved at kind of an early age from Canada to Hawaii. I came to Hawaii when I was seven years old.

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And being in the second grade, it was a bit of a transition because at that time, like I was Canadian just moving to Hawaii.

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And I didn't know any of the Pledge of Allegiance, any of the songs that they sang in the morning.

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And I felt a little bit out of place. But luckily, I had a really amazing teacher who gave me, I think, a little bit of extra care.

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And she made me feel very welcomed. And so, yeah, I kind of just blossomed.

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And my dad was still like continued to teach us. He was like he was the one who's coached me my whole life.

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And if we didn't have a place to train, well, we'd always have like a mat room in the house.

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So we'd always have a place to train. And yeah, just, you know.

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Is that OK? Yeah, no, that's good. I'm going to go back to the mixed heritage that you have.

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So correct me if I'm wrong. You've got Chinese and Korean, is that correct? OK.

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So were your parents the immigrants or does it go further back than that?

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So my dad, he is Chinese Singaporean. His parents are from Singapore.

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He was born in Singapore and he moved to Canada at a young age.

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And my mom is Korean. She was born in Korea, but she also moved at a young age to the States.

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Yeah, so. Yeah, pretty crazy. They actually met in Hawaii.

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So with that, then I'm from England originally, so I'm an immigrant for this country and my son is first generation American.

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Yeah, this whole nation, obviously, we're talking about Canada as well, was built on immigration, obviously, aside from the native peoples already here.

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And I think there's so much kind of richness to some of these immigration stories.

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So what were the kind of highs of your parents immigration stories and what were the lows?

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For me, you know, like they didn't really speak much of it because they when they moved, they were quite young.

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So they didn't have like very much memories of where they were born.

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My dad had a bit more because we would go back to Singapore often and we still had relatives there.

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But then my mom, she kind of didn't have contact with her family.

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So she my dad's parents, my grandparents, they kind of became like, you know, my mom's like parents like and well, they were.

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But, you know, they really took her in. And so, yeah, my my grandparents, my dad's parents, they've always been a huge part in our lives.

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So what about the martial arts? What was your dad taught when when he was younger and then what was he teaching when he moved to Canada?

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Right. So my dad, he when he started martial arts, he was introduced to traditional arts.

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I think Taekwondo him and his brothers did.

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But then he met my mom and also my mom's dad comes from background of Taekwondo and he had martial arts schools as well.

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And then so my mom and dad became involved in martial arts and initially started teaching Taekwondo and competing as well, competing and teaching.

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And then they kind of branched out and kind of created their own their own form martial arts.

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And it was kind of based more on self-defense. So this was before MMA was very, very prevalent.

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And that was kind of the beginning of how they started to combine like the striking and the grappling.

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So that was always what I was taught as well. Growing up, basically be prepared for everything.

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So when you were young, obviously, we'll get to your martial arts journey. What else were you playing as far as sports?

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Nothing. Yeah, I was always in the gym, you know, following them to work, which is the gym.

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So I'd just be training and yeah, didn't really have time for any other sports.

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And when we moved to Hawaii, I did show interest and wanting to try other sports.

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But I soon found out that these kids who play soccer have been playing soccer since they were really young, like, you know, kids.

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And so they were, you know, quite experienced. I was like, I couldn't kick the ball right.

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So that didn't last too long. I think actually back in Canada, maybe I tried gymnastics and ballet, but that was when I was really young.

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Growing up, I didn't play any other sport other than martial arts.

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And what about career aspirations? We'll get it.

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Obviously, that you ended up turning pro when it comes to the martial arts side.

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But were there any other things that you were dreaming of before that?

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As a young kid, so the first kind of career aspirations I had was I wanted to be working in a zoo.

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I really loved animals and, you know, kind of grew out of that.

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When I was in school, I wanted to go into like photography, videography, interior design.

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I kind of showed interest in these areas.

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But, yeah, after I graduated high school, I actually did go to college for a couple semesters.

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And my parents always told me to just do business.

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So they told me to do business and I was like, OK, I'll do business.

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And it didn't really work out, you know, because I didn't have that passion for it.

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I like to fight. I like to travel. And I took that route.

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So walk me through some of the successes you had when you were still in the school age as far as the martial arts.

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So, yeah, I would compete in different kind of tournaments.

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You know, I would compete in judo tournaments, jiu-jitsu tournaments, boxing, kickboxing, and would face a lot of boys.

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I remember winning kind of most of my matches.

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And it was good because it was definitely a big confidence booster.

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But it was just from, you know, all of the training throughout my life.

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And I was homeschooled from seventh grade until tenth grade, doing a lot of training and traveling for competitions.

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And I won some amateur like national titles.

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I got a chance to compete in Greece and Sparta, actually.

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And that was a really life changing experience, being able to meet lots of kids from different countries, all there for the same goal.

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And it was really that was a really eye opener.

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And I was like, this is what I want to do.

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This is what I want to pursue.

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And so after I graduated high school, I kind of had my mind set on becoming a fighter.

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Now, we're obviously going to get into the mental health journey as well.

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One of the common denominators has come out of almost a thousand of these conversations now, and they're not all mental health based.

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But it's interesting.

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Some of the people that are here for a completely different conversation, we end up finding our way.

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And mental health is a big part of their story as well.

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But the the element of our early years, our formative years, our childhood on us when we are adults, I think is kind of it's not seen as important as it should be.

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And in my profession and in the fire service, they say, oh, well, James saw that horrible crash.

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That's why he's struggling, for example, when actually if you go back, I was in a fire when I was four and my parents had a horrible divorce.

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So you can also look at other things that would contribute to it.

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When you look back now at your younger years, were there any elements of your upbringing you think that contributed to you struggling later?

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Um, you know, I think it's for me, it's a little bit difficult, a little bit tricky because I know my family loves me.

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We are really tight and close family growing up.

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But sometimes that love can be a bit too suffocating and can turn into not so much love, but more like control and not giving the freedom to, you know, make my own decisions and follow my own path, but more like pressured.

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This is what I think would be best for you. So you should do it. And, you know, I can't really complain about it because everything in my life has really led me to where I got to be, which is fighting, meeting my husband and having my daughter.

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But I do like, I am able now to look back and kind of identify certain factors that kind of shaped me and may have contributed to my mental health.

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I've had such a spectrum of people on here that have struggled. I mean, one was a boy soldier from Sierra Leone. So his parents were murdered and he was forced to either kill or be killed. It was that simple. There were two choices.

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I've had one of my friends on who was a middle child and the dynamic in his family was simply they wanted a son, they had a boy, they wanted a daughter, they had my friend, they wanted a daughter, they had a third child and she was a girl.

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And he felt completely kind of unloved and wanted it, even though there wasn't, you know, like actual physical or sexual abuse in that case.

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But it's amazing how some of these things do impact us. And it's not, you know, I always say reasons, not excuses. It doesn't mean that, you know, now you create a victim mentality.

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But when you look back, it was a factor, you know, and some people that are held to a very high expectation, there's this feeling of always needing to please, you know, always not being good enough, not reaching that pinnacle that the parents maybe are expecting from them.

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So I think, you know, when we have a tendency to compare trauma, but actually if something was detrimental in a child's life, it was detrimental. It's just, you know, it is what it is.

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Yeah, 100%, you know, and if you look at, well, all of us, every single one of us, we all have been through things in our life that, you know, and it's tough, especially when you're not able to freely express or share, you know, these things that have hurt you in your life.

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And that's why I think it's, you know, it's really important to find that space where you're able to share and kind of release that.

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So you end up going for the one championship title, walk me through kind of the years prior, what was it that you brought to the Octagon or the mat, whatever it was at that moment that allowed you to succeed and keep winning and rising up that ladder?

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You know, really what I think was the main difference and what I attribute, I guess, my success to was that head start, I would say, of all of the years of training, you know, and the consistency throughout the years, whether I liked it or not, you know, it was something that we just did.

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And so when I graduated high school, when I turned 18, everything happened really, really fast.

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So I had my first amateur MMA fight in Hawaii.

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I had three of them. I won all three of them, you know, really fast by submission in the first round.

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And then we were looking at, you know, turning pro, looking at different organizations and we found one championship.

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And I was really excited. You know, I went into it with, you know, a lot of excitement and this was everything I wanted and everything I was training for my whole life.

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So I was, you know, there was a lot of buildup, but I was also very nervous when it came down to it, the day I was fighting and I was walking down the ramp for my debut fight.

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I was super nervous.

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Wait, no, no, no. Sorry. I'm getting confused.

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I was super nervous for my title fight. For my debut fight, I was ecstatic. I was like, I was like, yeah.

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And, and yeah, I kind of went in there with like no fear, no hesitation and did really well.

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Impressed a lot of people. And at that time, especially in Asia, women's MMA wasn't very prevalent, wasn't something people looked forward to. It wasn't very exciting.

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So I guess to see me perform like that, it kind of, people were like, oh, who's this girl?

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And yeah, kind of just took off from there. And I think, yeah, definitely the, all the years of training and just being ready for that moment definitely helped with the success.

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So they say that when, you know, once you've won a title, it's almost harder than when you're chasing one. When you're chasing one, you've got that goal in front of you.

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But once you've got a title, it's harder mentally to kind of keep that training level up to retain that title. After you reach that initial pinnacle, what was that mind shift for you?

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Let's see. So I have to check my tattoo. Time is like, time goes by so fast. So May 6th, 2016.

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This was, this was when I had my world title fight and became a world champion.

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And this was, this was the fight that I was walking out towards that I was just very, very, very nervous for because this was, you know, everything I felt I had worked towards.

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And this was my moment, make it or break it, and a lot of pressure.

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But I always told myself, I perform really well under pressure. I can do this. And yeah, it was a war.

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And, and yeah, that fight, it opened a lot of doors for me, you know, changed my life, became the champion.

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And then after that, I was really excited to prove myself and stay champion.

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So yeah, I believe in like January of 2017 or something like that, in January, February, I had my first title defense and that went really well.

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And then the next one. But, you know, with each fight, which is each title defense, like I just felt an increase, like a huge increase of like more and more pressure.

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And every fight, it wasn't like I'm fighting for something, I'm fighting not to lose something.

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And yeah, I was tested in my fight with Estella Nunes when I had pneumonia.

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And that was a really tough one, but pulling through and coming out on top also showed me another level of toughness that I had in myself, which I'm proud of looking back now.

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But really, like the fights is just one thing, right?

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The whole world sees is just the fight week and the night of the fight. But there's so many other moments in between that doesn't get seen that people don't know of.

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You know, for me, it was hard because during this time, you know, in the end of 2016, 2017, I met my husband and my mindset shifted because I like my goals, my checklist when I was a kid was, OK, you know, be a fighter, become a world champion.

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Find someone that you know, the man of your dreams and marry them and then have a family. That was like my checklist. And I was like, oh, I found my guy. He's perfect.

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And I was like, you know, this was what I was doing was fighting and then I find him and I'm like, well, I kind of will settle down now. And as a female fighter, you can't do both. Right.

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But yeah, there was something that was in my mind and my relationship with Bruno. It happened really fast. Like we did get engaged at the end of 2017.

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And I was so excited, you know, I but I felt like I couldn't have what I wanted because I had to fight. And it wasn't like a lot of people in my life, you know, like my parents, my family, my family, my dad's my coach.

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Like all of these things were connected. Right. And so I know they wanted me to be happy, but also they were like, now is not a good time. You shouldn't do this. You shouldn't do that. You know, like and.

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It was hard because for a while I was really struggling because I was going against what I really wanted in my heart, I think. And I was feeling really burnt out with each fight that went by because I was like, well, each fight I was like, but I don't really want to be doing this.

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But I want something else. And.

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Even though I still loved fighting, you know, but there was still something else that was kind of pulling me in the other direction. And in 2017 later that year, I was preparing for my third title defense and things were kind of just becoming too much.

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And the training was crazy. You know, it's like pushing my body to its limits. And then at the same time, like starving and it wasn't getting the nutrients I needed.

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Looking back now, it's like it's still so sensitive, you know, it's it's still really difficult because like I can see so many things that like should have been different and should have been dealt with differently, you know.

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But yeah, I mean, it's it's really hard to to try to explain, like, you know, to someone like, why would you do that? You know, just because of you, you don't want to make you afraid you're not going to make way.

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And it's not about that. It's just like, you know, so many other things. You're not really thinking straight when you're in that kind of situation.

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You know, and at that moment, I just I didn't really care. And even though I had everything, I was world champion, you know, getting ready to fight, engaged.

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It's like that one moment was just like too much.

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Before we get to November 6, two questions.

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Obviously, you said you had some wars up to this point. Did you have any kind of concussions? Because, I mean, as we know now, and this is funny because you're talking about if I'd done if I'd known I would have done it differently.

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We weren't talking about any of this stuff. Most of us in 2016 2017. This has been a very new conversation with, you know, head injuries and, you know, mental health and a lot of these other things.

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We now know, certainly on the military side, that TBI is can definitely contribute to depression and those kind of things, too. Had you taken a lot of hits prior to that?

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Actually, no. You know, early on in my career, like I, I kind of.

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I had a lot of success like very, very early, like in terms of winning a lot of my fights early in the round, taking them down and just like going straight for the submissions. I actually didn't take a lot of injury to the head.

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That was kind of a bit later in my career in like 2018 onwards.

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But yeah, you know, it's definitely real.

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And you can start to see it coming out with a lot more fighters now.

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Like in my case.

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It was a combination of not having that.

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Safe and open environment to express what I was feeling, and I think that it made it a lot harder and it was a lot worse because it was my own family.

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And then that paired with the fact that I had been, you know, essentially like starving myself of like food for weeks now and then overtraining and then.

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Yeah, like that night it was it was really tough.

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Because

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my dad said, well, you're my parents were like wanting to do a practice weight cut and then so that I was already suffering and like already, you know, hanging in there and then

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I want to do this this night and then that's kind of just yeah, I remember thinking to myself like,

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do they not see this like, do they not know that I'm just like dying inside right now?

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Like, you know, it was really hard.

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And then at that moment, like you start to get all of these thoughts like, you know, I guess, I guess I don't care.

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I guess like, you know, why am I in this situation?

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I don't have a way out.

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I can't say anything about it.

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And you just feel like trapped in like you have to take what I just felt like I had to take, take it into my own hands to just do something about it, to get to get myself out of this.

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And it's not the it's not the right answer, you know.

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Well, I think one of the issues that I see in the fire service, for example, and I know it's the same in your community, because in the cage, you know, you don't get hit and then start crying.

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You don't want to let the other person know how you're feeling.

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So you guys are the master of the poker face.

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The problem is in professions where that's needed.

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And it's the same with us, you know, if there is a car crash and we respond to you, for example, and I start screaming and queening out, that's not going to do you any good either.

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So one of the things I think that hurts us is we are so good at hiding our emotions and inside we're wishing that someone would ask us if we're OK.

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But from the outside looking in, you know, a lot of people think that we're fine and they're they're the ones that are struggling to.

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And it's this crazy kind of vicious circle where you can have a room full of people all struggling and they look across the room at each other and they think everyone else is fine.

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Yeah, 100 percent. You know, I recently read this book and and I could really relate to what they were talking about, you know, people in the military.

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But it's the same for fighters and the same for first responders where, you know, you're taught and it's like ingrained in you to not to not show that weakness to put up these, you know, shields.

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And. And it's true, like in your line of work, like you really can't.

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But then there's it's very difficult to kind of separate that and find time to really let your guard down and to really like.

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Open up. And so we get so used to just, you know, living life like that and until one day we just break, you know, and.

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You know, it really shouldn't be that way. We should be able to. Express ourselves and and, you know, hopefully in in combat sports, at least like have some kind of a separation.

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Because, I mean, we're all like human beings at the end of the day, we can't just pretend to be these, you know.

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Eyes cold, like heartless, like robots, you know, it's like.

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Yeah, it just doesn't work like that.

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So the at the end of my career, the last fire department I worked at was extremely toxic and I actually had a meniscus tear.

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So I was rehabbing that and got back to where I could go back to work and do do the full job.

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But the anxiety was immense and it wasn't the job. I adore the job of being a firefighter. But when you're working for the wrong department, the wrong environment, you know, it was it was debilitating.

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And, you know, I ended up transitioning out to do this full time. I took a leap of faith.

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But when I heard what I was going to be when I read about some of the things you did prior to the the car incident, it showed to me, like you said, if someone was looking, it was a massive warning sign.

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So talk to me about some of the kind of the injuries that you try to create just to be able to not fight.

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Yeah, I try to break my arm.

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I just like slam in my head and tried to like knock myself out, give myself a concussion.

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And it's just like really hard for me to even think back to that moment and see that I thought that was like there was nothing wrong with that.

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Like the most important thing on my mind was just like, get yourself out of the situation, get out and feeling like it's like what is that?

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Like looking back now, I'm like screaming at myself, like, why didn't you just speak up?

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Just like say what you were feeling, you know, like say like, and it's just so hard.

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Like when you're in that situation, you're in that moment.

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And like, I just wish people who are in that situation now can hear this, that like, you know, honestly, like

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you know, I think about my sister, you know, a lot of times

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these days when I'm in a difficult situation, when I have to speak up and create these boundaries and I think like, you know, if Victoria were here, this is what I would be telling her to do.

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That even though it's hard, you have to do it. It's for, you know, it's for, it's going to be what's best for you, you know, and that's just what I'm trying to do is let people know that they don't have to continue suffering like that, you know.

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It's so heartbreaking when you hear story after story, and I've had hundreds of people on here that, you know, most have been right at the point of near suicide and a couple that actually went through with it, you know, the attempt and you'd be number three now and they survived.

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Thank God, you know, but when you hear the commonalities, I think this is what really reframes the suicide conversation.

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And for people listening, I mean, you lost your dear sister Victoria to suicide recently.

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Back, you know, years ago, people were talking about suicide as cowardly and selfish.

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And now, you know, almost a thousand conversations, I hear that these, these people that are in crisis, their mind is literally miswired to the point where their reality is destroyed.

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And as you said, you know, you've got this fight career, you know, that you could literally end at that point and still be extremely proud of.

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You found the love of your life, you know, you're, you're, you're happy in so many different ways.

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So people on the outside looking in going, what's wrong with Angela?

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The problem is what I'm hearing, and I want to get your take on this is at that moment, these people, their, their world is different.

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Their world is distorted and none of that good stuff seems to register. And there's a feeling more often than not that people talk to me about that is a feeling of burdensome.

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Like I'm the problem. If I'm not here anymore, you know, then, then everything will be better.

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And so I think this is what puts the compassion back in to, you know, people who have taken their own lives is at that moment.

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A lot of times it was courageous and it was selfless.

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Now the healthy mind obviously understands that it left a lot of pain behind and it didn't solve the problem.

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But, you know, the people that have been lost, you know, we didn't get to them in time.

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And like you said, the mind was just changed. The mind was distorted.

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And it's so sad that we're just starting to understand now and have the right conversation.

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But it's too late for so many people.

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Right. You know, I think what you're saying is, is really spot on and everyone has different, different situations.

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And, you know, but what it comes down to is the fact that we really feel silenced, like we can't, we don't have the voice to speak that.

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And I think a lot of that comes down to environmental, you know, factors, having the right space for people to voice, you know, their struggles and their vulnerability.

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It's very hard to open up to someone when you already know that they're going to be judging you for what you're saying.

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So I think we just, you know, we all need a lot more compassion for one another because how are we supposed to have that conversation or how are we supposed to start talking about, about these kinds of things?

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You know, you know, what happened with me and with my sister, you know, it's difficult because it's like, can't change anything about that.

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You know, it's something that, that happened and we really can't do anything about it now.

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Can't change the past. But I have a little one of my own now, you know, I have a daughter and I know that, I know that I'm not going to be a perfect mom, but I can try my best to heal myself so that I don't pass anything on to her.

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You know, and what I'm doing now with Fight Story, even though it's, you know, the goal is to help a lot of people, it's really been healing for myself because I'm still like, I'm still so wounded.

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You know, I'm still, it's still really difficult, but you know, being able to have these kinds of conversations like with yourself and, and sharing these stories and creating this awareness, hopefully, you know, will help do some good and create some change.

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That's all we can try to do.

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I believe that that's exactly what we need to do. And it's beautiful that you're thinking that way because again, if we're talking about old world thinking, there's this, this thought that, well, you know, there was alcoholism in my grandparents and my parents.

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So I'm, I'm doomed to be an alcoholic myself. And that's just not the case. And even if you look at epigenetics, if you look at the DNA and the way people discussing it these days, you can, it will change.

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If you make choices, it will actually start to change. So we, everyone listening can stop this cycle. You can stop the dominoes falling.

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And I think one of the, the conversations that we really need now in this mental health discussion, we've talked about stigma and I think, thank God, it's finally starting to diminish a little bit in 2024.

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But now we need to put that hope conversation in. And I think the post-traumatic growth concept is something that I love. When you've gone through whatever your trauma is, whether it's, you know, your parents living vicariously through you or the loss of a sibling or, you know, all the compounding elements that create the human experience.

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The other side of that suffering is strength. You know, you, you break a bone in the cage, you know, you heal it up, you do your PT, you end up being stronger than you were before. And it's the same, I believe, you know, emotionally as well.

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And so I think that's the missing part of this whole conversation now is, is the beacon of hope, you know, and the people that have gone through, now they become storytellers and it's exactly what you're doing with, with, you know, your nonprofit now.

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They can actually be the voices for other people, that beacon of light and then be like, look, the other side is better. I was in such a dark place and I went through hell.

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But I finally found the combination of things that work for me and it was this, this and this for me personally. But I've come through and I'm not living, living with it. I'm, I'm, you know, beyond that now. I'm, I'm better than I was before.

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So I think this, this needs to be another part of the conversation is that post-traumatic growth, that resilience that you can get, but then you will have the strength to help other people.

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Because a mistake people make is obviously trying to help when they're still, you know, really, really in the dark place. But once you've come out, it doesn't mean that you're going to be, you know, unicorns and rainbows after that, but that you can now start sharing your story.

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And then other people do come to you and say, I'm hurting. So you're the one that's opening this door for a lot of people.

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Thank you.

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Yeah, you know, it's crazy.

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Just today I did an interview, had a conversation with this man named Chad Star, and I'm going to be joining him for a walk on May 3rd to honor his daughter, Sienna. And she, she died by suicide when she was 12.

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And today was a very, very like, very difficult conversation, you know, it's just very heavy and brings back so many memories of my own situation with my sister.

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So just, I've really been just full of emotions today. But being able to talk with you and you had no idea about you know what I what I was going through this morning or today but being able to share and just a conversation and being able to speak freely, you know, it, it takes some weight off my shoulders.

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And I feel like you know everyone, we all get filled up with, with emotions you know throughout the day whether it be stress or anxiety or, or, or sadness or or, you know, fear, and we all need to be able to find methods and outlets to help us release it, because one day

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you know just becomes too heavy to carry. And I think some people in that situation you know, it's like, if you just find methods to, to share some of the weight.

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And it's not burdened, it's not burdening to other people they truly if you know people who love and care. They're gonna want to help you carry that weight, you know you don't have to do it alone and, and sometimes we we think that's the right thing to do that's the tough

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and strong thing to do is to carry all that weight on our own but yeah really it's, we don't go through life alone.

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And I think about, you know, tribal humans, we weren't supposed to, you know, and even you know raising children, they say it takes a village it used to, it took a whole village before and now we sit in an apartment on our own trying to raise our child as a single parent,

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and wondering why we're pulling our hair out because as human beings. That's not what we originally were designed to do.

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So how did you kind of get to November six and then and then, you know, more importantly, move forward and what some of the things were that that you started using to get yourself out of that dark place.

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So, you know, again, as you said it's been an emotional day for you so wherever you would like to go on that day and then and let's talk about your journey kind of out of that darkness.

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Yeah, um, you know,

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I remember in 2006 right my, my dad and my mom they wanted to do a weight cut, and, you know, it was like hot baths and towels and it just added to my already really bad state of mind, kind of just push me over the edge and really altered my reality.

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And for me, I was at this place where I really just didn't care what happened to me to my well being you know, leave it up to chance to fate.

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And, you know, when my methods weren't working, I had the idea to, you know, get my car and just, and he really didn't care and see what happens.

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And, you know, I remember the moment that I actually, you know, swerve in my car was flipping over.

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I didn't feel like afraid, or, you know, scared at all I just felt really young.

331
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And it was because of the fact that like, I had so many things holding me down and then like it was suffocating me. And I felt like this decision that I made that I took into my own hands that gave me this, you know, freedom, which now is like, of course, like looking back I'm so glad that I'm

332
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:56,000
here today.

333
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:06,000
And every time I say that it's it's really, really difficult, you know, because

334
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:08,000
my sister is not.

335
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:16,000
And

336
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:42,000
as, as an as being the oldest as the older sister always feel you know, this need to protect siblings and I really tried to in every way I shared my experiences with her and, and it's hard because you have to accept the fact that every person has their own choices in life.

337
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:46,000
And

338
00:48:46,000 --> 00:49:07,000
I just, it's hard you can't force someone to talk to you about what they're feeling you know you can't, you can just try your best to start that conversation but I understand how it is to, you know, be afraid to speak up and share what you're going through but

339
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:21,000
you know, like from the other side of it. Like, I just really wish that she, you know, would have said something and, and

340
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:42,000
it's just hard because it's so, you know, with my, with my attempt and then what happened with my sister it's like so

341
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:55,000
still still like still going through you know still doing a lot of healing still hurts a lot.

342
00:49:55,000 --> 00:50:12,000
What have you found that that's helped between you know your attempt forwards and then you know again that absolutely massive blow of losing a sister, what are the some of the things that you've leaned into that have been positive.

343
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:15,000
You know,

344
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:28,000
after my attempt I didn't say anything about it to anyone. Nobody knew that it was actually a suicide attempt, except my husband.

345
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:39,000
He was in Singapore at the time and I was in Hawaii and he flew to Hawaii to come and see me and

346
00:50:39,000 --> 00:51:02,000
the only reason I told him was because one night we were sitting in the car and he asked me, he's like, hey, you know, can I ask you something like, did you really fall asleep while you're driving you know to the gym or like, can you, what happened, you know, and

347
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:17,000
he was the only person who asked me that like no one else brought it up, like, and then I just like I couldn't hide it anymore I couldn't hold it any longer and I broke down and I told him like, yeah, you know, I had to take a leap of faith.

348
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:35,000
I mean, he asked me and I just said like, yeah, like, that was on purpose, you know, I did that on purpose and at the time he really just did not understand of course like he's thinking he has a healthy mind right so he's like, I thought everything was fine.

349
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:48,000
You know, like, why would you, why would you do that because we were just, you know, engaged and everything but he, even though he didn't understand he just was quiet, he was there for me.

350
00:51:48,000 --> 00:52:13,000
Honestly, I really feel like that saved me being able to open up to him and share the truth, because, you know, at some moments like I just became overwhelmed with like anxiety I still had to go to Singapore to the fight and like, I had obligations to meet the fans and walk down into the arena and

351
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:22,000
it was so overwhelming and like, as soon as I did my obligations I had to like get out of there because I couldn't breathe, and I told him like I have to go right now.

352
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:27,000
And he was the only one that understood you know, and I kept it.

353
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:33,000
I couldn't talk about it for many many years because

354
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:37,000
I don't know just wasn't brave enough to.

355
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:49,000
And the things that helped me yeah slowly trying to manage things I could control like my breathing.

356
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:57,000
And it was difficult yeah because I had to do all of this while still

357
00:52:57,000 --> 00:53:12,000
trying to put on a like brave face to the world and everyone just thought like oh she's just shaking up from the car crash you know but no one really knew that everything else that was going through, even my parents, so

358
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:18,000
yeah.

359
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:36,000
To talk to me about becoming a mother, I mean that again when we're romanticizing is another beautiful thing and now you must be so so happy, but there are a lot of women, especially when they've already had some sort of depression anxiety in the past where that can also add to even more.

360
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:45,000
So, did that become a nurturing thing thing for you or despite adoring your daughter, what did it add to some of that depression.

361
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:57,000
For me that was really like, Ava was really like my saving grace because since I met my husband I knew that I wanted to have a family and be a mom.

362
00:53:57,000 --> 00:54:01,000
And I felt like for years I was held back from that.

363
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:12,000
And so, you know the moment that, you know, I did become pregnant, I was just over the moon and and really couldn't wait.

364
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:25,000
And having Ava, you know, it really changes your whole life you know because

365
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:31,000
you have so much more to live for you know more than just yourself and

366
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:38,000
I knew once I was pregnant I knew I wanted to come back and fight, I still had that desire to

367
00:54:38,000 --> 00:54:45,000
it was what I loved and I wanted to, you know, show Ava too.

368
00:54:45,000 --> 00:55:01,000
And yeah, it was really tough because after having her, I think, like nine, a few months after yeah, I was going back to training and that was really difficult because

369
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:14,000
my body was different and it was frustrating because I had this expectation of what I was used to for my body, like expecting my body to be able to do and then like,

370
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:19,000
you know, a huge thing happened giving birth to my daughter, things were really different.

371
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:42,000
So being able to like, okay, give my body time and grace was hard and I was still like nursing Ava even until after like my fight and that was really difficult to like be doing training and sparring sessions and after like take a break and like feed my daughter and get back on the mat.

372
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:51,000
It was nuts. I'm like looking back now I honestly had no idea how I did that. It's just, you know, it's insane.

373
00:55:51,000 --> 00:56:03,000
But I'm so glad that I did and I came back and I won having my daughter with me in the cage and you know my husband was really, really special.

374
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:09,000
Definitely like one of the highest points in my life.

375
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:16,000
So yeah, yeah, Ava really, really helped change my life for sure.

376
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:26,000
So correct me if I'm wrong, you were a champion for seven years. That was the record at the time for the longest reign, if Wikipedia is correct.

377
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:36,000
It was like, yeah, 20, was it 16 until 2022, I believe.

378
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:45,000
Yeah, you know, I looking back now it really seems like a whole other life a lifetime ago, but I loved it.

379
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:51,000
I really do. Even with everything that came with it.

380
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:59,000
You know, it's yeah, definitely brings one memories.

381
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:07,000
When I think of an athlete that's already done so much but then is vulnerable, Simone Biles pops to mind.

382
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:19,000
You know, she's in that competition. She doesn't want to do that tumbling routine after she's won team medals for the US and some groups of people, you know, talking shit about why did she quote unquote quit?

383
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:30,000
Well, I've spoken to Jim Nasson in that world. If you aren't 1000% sure of your ability and time and space, then that could lead to a career ending injury.

384
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:38,000
So it was a good choice on her end. What made you decide to retire from fighting?

385
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:48,000
And then was there a sense of relief once you've made that decision and kind of put an end to some of that internal struggle that you were going through?

386
00:57:48,000 --> 00:58:01,000
Yeah. You know, after after everything that happened, I had no idea what what the future looked like.

387
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:16,000
I just knew that things were different. And, you know, Victoria was a huge, huge, huge part of my life, every single part of it, but especially training, you know, like she she and I would train together a lot.

388
00:58:16,000 --> 00:58:23,000
We training partners and I was actually helping to prepare for her, her fight.

389
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:40,000
It just really, I knew I would not be able to to to fight again, to go through that whole process just because.

390
00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:49,000
Yeah, it wouldn't be the same. And I, you know, grappled with the thought about, you know, should I retire?

391
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:55,000
What will I do? Should I come back? And I knew it in in my heart and soul.

392
00:58:55,000 --> 00:59:00,000
And I was like, this just I can't do it. And that's OK.

393
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:07,000
And I told myself, like, it's a tough decision to make, but you're going to be OK doing it because you know this is the right thing to do.

394
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:17,000
And and it is. And I'm so glad I did. Honestly, I'm really so glad I can't even get myself to go to training two times a week these days.

395
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:24,000
It's just it's different. But no, you know, I think that.

396
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:37,000
Where I am right now, what I'm doing right now is where I'm. Is it much is where I'm meant to be at this moment?

397
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:45,000
You know, it's. Is some is very bittersweet.

398
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:57,000
Just. I'm glad I did it the right way and with having my retirement at the one time ship event and things.

399
00:59:57,000 --> 01:00:06,000
Yeah, it was the right decision for me and and. Yeah.

400
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:18,000
Because many people in military first responders, but also in sports, that's all they've known that becomes their identity, which is very dangerous for a human being to be completely immersed in that thing.

401
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:22,000
And it becomes not what they do, but who they are.

402
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:32,000
And then that transition out can be very jarring. You know, if it's someone who was at the top and then they start getting knocked out and eventually they they get dropped by the UFC or whatever it is.

403
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:36,000
You know, you hear of a lot of them really struggling after that time.

404
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:42,000
When I hear your story, I'm making the assumption that maybe it wasn't the case because of what you're talking about.

405
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:49,000
The stresses of that. Did you have any issues kind of letting go of that identity as a fighter?

406
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:54,000
If I'm going to be honest, no, I really didn't.

407
01:00:54,000 --> 01:01:01,000
I enjoyed my time for what it was. But when it was time to say goodbye and let it go.

408
01:01:01,000 --> 01:01:04,000
You know, I had no issues with it.

409
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:12,000
And I think the reason why was I was I knew that.

410
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:15,000
I didn't have anything more that I wanted from it.

411
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:21,000
You know, I was like.

412
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:27,000
And I just felt like if I were to continue, it would just be.

413
01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:32,000
For the wrong reasons, you know, and that would be dangerous.

414
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:36,000
And I had to think about Ava, my daughter and my family.

415
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:42,000
And, you know, and. But I completely hear you.

416
01:01:42,000 --> 01:01:49,000
I mean, I had. I was I was lost for a bit because I just I didn't have an answer.

417
01:01:49,000 --> 01:02:01,000
What I knew what I what I wanted to do, especially, you know, when it was very fresh after, you know, losing Victoria, I just I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

418
01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:05,000
I can't fight. I what am I going to do? All I know is fighting, you know.

419
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:09,000
But that's why when I found Fight Story.

420
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:20,000
That made the transition a lot easier because I just shifted my purpose.

421
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:26,000
The gap between fighting and finding something new, like it was very minimal.

422
01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:34,000
And I'm really grateful for that because that new purpose is really what kept me going.

423
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:40,000
And I just. Don't identify story and just.

424
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:45,000
I work and work and work, and that's kind of was my outlet.

425
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:55,000
I work too much sometimes in the beginning where I would be like neglecting like my health, you know, my sleep, because I just was trying to take my mind off of things.

426
01:02:55,000 --> 01:03:08,000
And. And, you know, that's why I think that's really what allowed me to be at peace with leaving the fight world.

427
01:03:08,000 --> 01:03:17,000
When Patty Pimlet had that emotional kind of it wasn't supposed to be a speech, but that emotional monologue that he had after losing a friend to suicide.

428
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:26,000
I mean, that sent ripples through the fight world, the social media world, and the same thing happened, you know, in your retirement when you talked about it.

429
01:03:26,000 --> 01:03:36,000
I think one of the most empowering things is you do something in a profession and I did it in the fire service and then life throws a curveball at you, whatever that looks like.

430
01:03:36,000 --> 01:03:40,000
And you realize that you, as the Green Berets call, you can be a force multiplier.

431
01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:50,000
So now you've created this kind of platform. Now you get to do good from from this. But if you just been another martial artist in the gym somewhere, you wouldn't have had that voice.

432
01:03:50,000 --> 01:03:55,000
So your fight journey took you to this place where you could now be a much larger voice.

433
01:03:55,000 --> 01:04:05,000
What was the response from, you know, your retirement and you telling the story of your own suicide attempt and losing your sister?

434
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:10,000
And then how did that take you into fight story?

435
01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:25,000
After my sister passed, you know, my whole family, everyone was just distraught and broken and myself as well.

436
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:36,000
But I knew, you know, they didn't want to talk about anything that, you know, they don't want to talk about how Victoria passed.

437
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:40,000
And I knew that we had to.

438
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:47,000
I knew that we had to say it. I knew that we had to let people know about how she passed.

439
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:56,000
It wasn't something to be swept under the rug or kept a secret or nothing to be ashamed of.

440
01:04:56,000 --> 01:05:01,000
I knew it was important because of my own experience.

441
01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:17,000
And so I knew that if I was going to create fight story and I was going to let people know how important it was to speak the truth that I had to be the one to to do it first.

442
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:23,000
You know, I had to share what happened with me.

443
01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:30,000
And at the same time, I would show about what happened with Victoria.

444
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:42,000
And I faced so much backlash and criticism from my family still to this day.

445
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:48,000
They just don't agree about talking about mental health.

446
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:58,000
And that's just the biggest issue, you know.

447
01:05:58,000 --> 01:06:06,000
I knew that video was going to be important and I wanted it to be impactful.

448
01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:21,000
And it was. And I know that Victoria would have wanted that as well to to help people, you know, that's always something she wanted to do.

449
01:06:21,000 --> 01:06:28,000
And I know that that's why I continue to do the work that I do.

450
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:30,000
Yeah.

451
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:33,000
I mean, you're so right, though, and it's so sad.

452
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:36,000
And even in my profession, we're talking about suicide now.

453
01:06:36,000 --> 01:06:40,000
But when people, you know, pass away, a lot of times I can see it straight away.

454
01:06:40,000 --> 01:06:47,000
They'll say, oh, so and so this firefighter, this police officer died suddenly and they don't talk about, you know, what happened.

455
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,000
And this is that kind of shame that we still have.

456
01:06:50,000 --> 01:06:52,000
We've broken the stigma, some of us talking about it.

457
01:06:52,000 --> 01:06:55,000
But in general, there's still that kind of shame.

458
01:06:55,000 --> 01:07:04,000
The problem is, you know, if we keep brushing it under the rug, all we're doing is setting up more people to complete suicide themselves.

459
01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:07,000
And that uncomfortable conversation is what saves lives.

460
01:07:07,000 --> 01:07:14,000
So I commend you for pulling that out of the shadows and putting it on the one stage.

461
01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:16,000
Thank you.

462
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:23,000
So talk to me about Fight Story, then tell people exactly what you've created and some of the people you've had on there already.

463
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:25,000
Thank you.

464
01:07:25,000 --> 01:07:36,000
Yeah, you know, honestly, I feel like I fight story was something that, you know, Victoria kind of just like sent sent my way.

465
01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:39,000
She was like, here, you have this to do now.

466
01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:51,000
And a lot of people don't know exactly who who are you know what your mission is or who what five stories for.

467
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:53,000
And and really, it's for everyone.

468
01:07:53,000 --> 01:08:05,000
You know, our mission is to, of course, raise awareness about mental health, but especially in the common sports community, you know, in the fight world.

469
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:10,000
Talking about mental health is still very, very taboo and nonexistent.

470
01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:21,000
But we want to connect that fighting spirit to every single human being, because, you know, we all go through our own struggles.

471
01:08:21,000 --> 01:08:25,000
And each day, each day is a fight, really.

472
01:08:25,000 --> 01:08:29,000
So Fight Story is really for everyone.

473
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:35,000
And who are some of the people that you've had on there so far that you've interviewed?

474
01:08:35,000 --> 01:08:49,000
So far, we are doing videos and telling stories from, you know, individuals who make up Fight Story, myself, members of the board.

475
01:08:49,000 --> 01:08:52,000
So we're starting with in just this group.

476
01:08:52,000 --> 01:08:59,000
Our goal is definitely to expand and we just on boarded 10 ambassadors from different parts of the world.

477
01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:05,000
And we are excited to support them and help share their stories as well.

478
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:15,000
And we have this option on our website to share a story, a written story.

479
01:09:15,000 --> 01:09:25,000
And so we've received lots of stories from around the world and people, a lot of them are martial artists, but some of them, you know, aren't as well.

480
01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:30,000
And each of them have just such an incredible and moving story.

481
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:43,000
And I just feel very grateful that people believe in this organization as much as I do and that it has helped them as much as it's helped me.

482
01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:47,000
I think it's amazing. I think about the fight world. I trained in Irvine with T.

483
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:50,000
Moyama years ago, not as a fighter, just as a weekend warrior.

484
01:09:50,000 --> 01:09:53,000
But Shane Del Rosario was a member of that team.

485
01:09:53,000 --> 01:09:57,000
And I think that was an overdose that took him, which is the same exact conversation.

486
01:09:57,000 --> 01:10:03,000
You're escaping, you know, through escapism, through these drugs that can be fatal and or suicide.

487
01:10:03,000 --> 01:10:06,000
It's all part of the same mental health conversation.

488
01:10:06,000 --> 01:10:09,000
But you think of Evan Tanner, you know, and maybe that was more the TBIs.

489
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:14,000
I mean, he was, you know, that person that everyone had to fight to get to the pinnacle in the UFC.

490
01:10:14,000 --> 01:10:18,000
And then he goes off, you know, into the desert and is not seen again.

491
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:22,000
So, I mean, in your world, in my world, these are these are essential conversations.

492
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:30,000
And what's so beautiful is it's not about slideshows and PowerPoint presentations and statistics.

493
01:10:30,000 --> 01:10:35,000
It's telling stories. And when and this is why I was so excited to get you on the show.

494
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:43,000
When you have a warrior, a female warrior who from the outside looking in going, well, she's as tough as they get.

495
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:51,000
You know, I have a female soldier, a female police officer, whatever it is, and they are courageously vulnerable with their struggles.

496
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:56,000
It takes away that, you know, that, oh, it's being weak, it's being a pussy. No, it's not.

497
01:10:56,000 --> 01:10:59,000
This is being a human being. And we have highs and we have lows.

498
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:07,000
And so I did I just funny enough, I bet in 2016, I started a thing called the Dark Side Project, just a Facebook page.

499
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:14,000
So it was and firefighters would send videos either they were struggling at the time they'd been through some stuff or come out the other end.

500
01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:24,000
Some of them hadn't really struggled much, but then they talked about what their earlier life looked like and some of the tools that set them up to be able to navigate some of the stuff.

501
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:32,000
So these stories are so important. And it's as I said, it's if people are struggling talking about that, but also the people that have come through.

502
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:39,000
I think one of the most exciting things is the toolbox is there for us is so much bigger than people realize.

503
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:48,000
It's not pills and talk therapy. It's equine therapy and, you know, dogs and psychedelics and all kinds of things that are available.

504
01:11:48,000 --> 01:12:00,000
And so, again, to put that hope in, if you've tried talking to a therapist and they put you on a med and it didn't work, that's going to make you think that you're just crazy and you may as well just end it.

505
01:12:00,000 --> 01:12:11,000
Not realizing that maybe it's an ayahuasca ceremony or ketamine or some of these other things that are available that might help unlock that door and help you navigate through.

506
01:12:11,000 --> 01:12:17,000
And I think that is why storytelling is so important, especially when people say, and I'm doing better now.

507
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:21,000
And here's here's some of the things that I used. Exactly.

508
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:33,000
You know, I think that's so important that we have a variety of different outlets for us to, you know, it's not a one size fit all.

509
01:12:33,000 --> 01:12:45,000
Everyone is such unique individuals. And like myself, like I am just learning along the way, you know, with what I went through with Victoria.

510
01:12:45,000 --> 01:12:50,000
And then just being honest, like it's still a struggle for me.

511
01:12:50,000 --> 01:12:53,000
There are days where it's incredibly difficult.

512
01:12:53,000 --> 01:13:05,000
But I think that, you know, if we try to really like want to do better for ourselves, like that want needs to be there, that effort.

513
01:13:05,000 --> 01:13:07,000
Right. But it's hard.

514
01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:23,000
So what helps you along the way is who's going to be with you on that journey, who can be there to help uplift you. And I've needed to find that community, those friends and family members that are willing to.

515
01:13:23,000 --> 01:13:41,000
Talk about the difficult things with me and and go through those ups and downs. And, you know, sometimes it may be really difficult because you're an environment, you're in an environment where you don't feel that support and that, you know, that's really crucial.

516
01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:57,000
If you don't, it's like it doesn't mean that no one's there for you. You just need to find that different group. And it's like I tell people the time like Fight Story can be that group for you. Every single person who interacts with Fight Story, who's, you know, on our page.

517
01:13:57,000 --> 01:14:14,000
We've all been through some kind of struggle and we're all like wanting to really help one another. And that kind of community can be, you know, can give you so much strength. But yeah, for me, it's it's it's harder to get day by day.

518
01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:29,000
I'm trying to do things like I know will definitely be a little mood booster, you know, like making sure I'm okay. Are you eating? Are you drinking your water? Like, are you getting sunlight? Are you moving your body? You haven't moved your body in like two weeks. You need to move your body.

519
01:14:29,000 --> 01:14:47,000
It's, you know, it's difficult. Everyone needs to find something. I mean, being able to talk about it. That's a huge thing, too. But also giving your space, your time and space to, you know, it's just just honoring yourself and you're going to know what's best for you.

520
01:14:47,000 --> 01:15:01,000
You're going to know what works, what doesn't work. But it's just, yeah, keep that hope that, you know, life is meant to be lived. It really is. And I just want people to be able to see that to get to the other side. It's just a moment.

521
01:15:01,000 --> 01:15:20,000
You know, we're going to have moments in our life, good moments, bad moments, difficult moments. But, you know, if we hang in there, if we have the right tools, if we have the right people, when you get to that other side, you're going to be like. You know, it's going to be OK.

522
01:15:20,000 --> 01:15:38,000
Absolutely. Well, you spoke about moving. Let's bring Jesse into the equation. I know he's worked with some of the the elite Jiu-Jitsu people. The thing that he teaches, primarily the foundation training, absolutely saved my career. I hurt my back as a firefighter and it was foundation training that healed me hands down.

523
01:15:38,000 --> 01:15:48,000
So I became an instructor. I was so impressed and trained my whole fire department. So talk to me about, you know, how you how you met him and what does he do with you guys now?

524
01:15:48,000 --> 01:16:01,000
So, yeah, my husband, Bruno, he reached out to Jesse. That's how we got connected, because he's had back issues his whole like his whole career, his whole life. He's had back surgery.

525
01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:20,000
And, you know, it's always an ongoing issue to lock up and, you know, constantly going to the doctors for like different injections and like that's just temporary. So I found Jesse so lucky that he was on the island and just came over and Bruno like stuck with it.

526
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:37,000
He was very consistent and yeah, it's been it's really miraculous. It's like, especially from like to see him and see how much like it would affect him, you know, and how drastic it was and to see their improvements that it's made in his life.

527
01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:54,000
And it's really like, this is life changing and more people should know about it, because it's like you have your, you have the power to really cure yourself with these movements. And I need to do it more often. I really do.

528
01:16:54,000 --> 01:17:17,000
I love it because you can do the foundation training anytime, anywhere. You don't need any equipment takes like 15 minutes sometimes. And, and yeah, I think, you know, I'm so glad to hear about your story. And yeah, people with severe, severe injuries are like who think they need surgery have been able to cure themselves with foundation training. So it's really amazing.

529
01:17:17,000 --> 01:17:32,000
Yeah, no, it is. And I think again, back to the mental health side, it's the same with the physical side, when there's hope that you're not going to have to be sliced and diced and screwed together, but you can actually put in this work and it, you know, obviously, you got to go through some suffering and it's going to take a little time.

530
01:17:32,000 --> 01:17:53,000
But I mean, I was just blown away at how, as you said, how well it worked and how miraculous it is. And so many of the things that I rave about on this show, I mean, that are absolutely hands down, incredible that everyone should know about. People don't know about, but they know about all the shitty stuff on Instagram that, you know, doesn't work very well.

531
01:17:53,000 --> 01:18:06,000
Foundation training is something that I shout from the rooftops about. I mean, literally, I mean, I'll talk to strangers, I'll overhear them in an airport. Oh, my back. I mean, hey, come here. I'm coming down. So I'm gonna give you some homework. Safe trip.

532
01:18:06,000 --> 01:18:17,000
Yes, yes, we need to be able to, yeah, whatever, whatever's good, whatever works, we're gonna share it and, you know, hopefully help some other people who are in need of it.

533
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:23,000
Absolutely. Well, I got one more area I want to hit quickly and then we'll go to some closing questions. That's okay.

534
01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:50,000
Weight cuts. Obviously that put a lot of pressure on you, but that was, you know, one of the pieces of the puzzle of the overall pressure that you're experiencing. However, it's always strange to me. And again, I'm not in MMA. I've been a martial artist my whole life, but never to the level of competitive competition where I've had to weight cut and actually have that kind of fight. I'm just standing on a stale and taekwondo tournament, you know, two hours before I fight.

535
01:18:50,000 --> 01:19:07,000
But it seems to me that the way it's set up at the moment, that it does set these athletes up for failure and that if you just weighed in on the day of the fight, it would get rid of a lot of the things that seem to be very detrimental mentally and physically for these fires.

536
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:14,000
What is your perspective of weight cutting? And if you were queen for a day, how would you change it?

537
01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:29,000
It would definitely be abolished for sure. It's just sad because it's what's been done for since the beginning really, and nothing's being done to change it.

538
01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:47,000
You know, with the organization I fought and they tried to make some rules to ban the dehydration aspect. So they would, you know, you would have to, for one championship, you cannot dehydrate.

539
01:19:47,000 --> 01:20:09,000
So you would have to check your weight and they would check your hydration levels as well. But like in anything in life, there are athletes and teams who find a way around that to cheat the system or, you know, so in my case, I'll just speak honestly about my situation with one and with my weight division.

540
01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:22,000
When I first started fighting for one, I entered as, you know, 115 pound fighter and that was with the weight cut before they made the rules or the adjustments.

541
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:31,000
Then after they made the changes, a lot of fighters bumped up one weight category or even two weight categories because they couldn't dehydrate now.

542
01:20:31,000 --> 01:20:55,000
In my situation, my coach, my dad, he said, no, you're going to still fight at 115. And it was really difficult for me because 115 is very tiny. It's small, you know, and it was always a huge struggle for me in my situation because they had to now check your hydration levels.

543
01:20:55,000 --> 01:21:10,000
So essentially what I would need to do is really starve myself, lose a lot of muscle mass and to get to that weight so I could like, they would say, okay, I have to descend, right?

544
01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:18,000
So for me, it would be a lot of starvation and over training and was very unhealthy. It was very unhealthy.

545
01:21:18,000 --> 01:21:29,000
But that's how it was for me my whole career. And I did go and fight at 125 for maybe two fights and I felt better.

546
01:21:29,000 --> 01:21:37,000
You know, I felt better. I didn't have to focus so much on I have to make weight, I have to make weight. I could just focus on training.

547
01:21:37,000 --> 01:21:42,000
I think that's really how it should be for every single combat sports athlete.

548
01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:51,000
And if you look at I used to be like, I just wish I could play another sport like, I don't know, some sport that you don't need to make a weight requirement for.

549
01:21:51,000 --> 01:22:01,000
Like, that would be amazing. And it's like it's really ridiculous, like combat sports, wrestling, judo, MMA, and what type of all of these sports are like the toughest sports. Right.

550
01:22:01,000 --> 01:22:14,000
And you need to be at your peak in prime and your your best to to fight. And a lot of these athletes, you see them coming in so weak, they can barely stand, they're like they're fainting.

551
01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:23,000
And it just is so backwards to me that this is still a requirement. Like, why?

552
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:35,000
Like, it doesn't have to be this way. But if fighters were had same day weigh ins, maybe you wouldn't be able to I don't know if would they still miss weight?

553
01:22:35,000 --> 01:22:42,000
Would that mess up the fight card? Is that why it's not a possibility? You know, it's like I know in jiu jitsu, my husband still competes.

554
01:22:42,000 --> 01:22:49,000
They do that. They do the same day when you step on, check your weight, and then you're about to compete and you step on the mat, right on the mat.

555
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:55,000
So I really hope to make some changes within like the wrestling community.

556
01:22:55,000 --> 01:23:01,000
You know, it all starts like at a young age in high school, wrestling is where you're first kind of exposed to weight cutting.

557
01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:06,000
And it's still being done in the wrong way.

558
01:23:06,000 --> 01:23:19,000
And you would think that with all of this technology and all of this, you know, new science and information out there that it's like, you can do this in a safe and healthy way.

559
01:23:19,000 --> 01:23:31,000
And when kids, you know, they're like under 18, you know, 14, 15, 16 year olds, when you're forcing them to make weight and dehydrate and starve themselves, like, how do you think that's going to affect them?

560
01:23:31,000 --> 01:23:36,000
You know, like not just physically, especially mentally.

561
01:23:36,000 --> 01:23:45,000
And so I'm a huge, huge advocate for wanting to change the way that things are done regarding weight cuts, regarding combat sports.

562
01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:49,000
And I hope that we get there one day. I really do.

563
01:23:49,000 --> 01:23:59,000
Yeah, me too. It's funny because when you were talking to me, the military always say when they're on here, you know, we get to work up, we get to kind of do these,

564
01:23:59,000 --> 01:24:08,000
this training that's working towards a certain deployment, then they deploy, you know, they see combat, they come back and then they train again, work up with the fire service and law enforcement.

565
01:24:08,000 --> 01:24:15,000
We don't have on season, off season. You have to be game ready every single day, every single shift.

566
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:26,000
And so that's, I think, kind of the shift in mentality, maybe in the martial arts, is stop thinking as an off season, on season, and think more like a first responder where you're always, you know, you're always at that weight, that way.

567
01:24:26,000 --> 01:24:37,000
You know, someone gets hurt and you get called in where you're already fight ready and you just walk in and weigh in at the weight you should be naturally, healthily, and then, you know, step on the mat and go to it.

568
01:24:37,000 --> 01:24:49,000
That would be ideal. I mean, I know, like, just looking back in my career, like that whole like yo-yo dieting, like I would be have to be 115 pounds and I'd put on like 20 pounds in like the next few days.

569
01:24:49,000 --> 01:25:05,000
And it was just horrible. Like I would have really bad eating habits and really bad relationship with food. And like that developed through MMA, you know, through, not MMA, like needing to make weight, you know, and I just wish that.

570
01:25:05,000 --> 01:25:12,000
I know there are people out there, fighters out there right now who are just like in bad shape. They're struggling. They're like suffering.

571
01:25:12,000 --> 01:25:24,000
And, you know, it hurts me. It hurts me to see that because it's like people almost feel like they need to do that to be in their sport. Like you need to suffer. You need to.

572
01:25:24,000 --> 01:25:41,000
But it doesn't have to be that way, you know, and when you're feeling your best, like you really perform a lot better. And so, yeah, I think there's much to be done regarding that whole space of weight cutting.

573
01:25:41,000 --> 01:25:55,000
Well, I appreciate your perspective. So I want to throw the first of the closing questions at you. Is there a book or are there books that you love to recommend? It can be related to us. Excuse me. Related to our discussion today or completely unrelated.

574
01:25:55,000 --> 01:25:59,000
Yes, I'm going to grab them right now. They're like right in front of me.

575
01:25:59,000 --> 01:26:02,000
Okay.

576
01:26:02,000 --> 01:26:18,000
First is the ATH Mindset workbook. And this is by Lisa Bontasumi and Dr. Tiana Woldridge. These are actually two experts who are on board with Fight Story right now. We're in the middle of creating something awesome.

577
01:26:18,000 --> 01:26:34,000
But they have a workbook for, you know, essentially like it says, training your mind for optimal mental health in sport and in life. So this is really great, especially for like youth, because it's very to the point, easy to work through.

578
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:53,000
And, yeah, lots of cool stuff in there. Also, this was like the first book I read on mental health. It's called Heads Up, Changing Minds on Mental Health. And this is awesome. I really love this. I wish every like school and household had a book on this.

579
01:26:53,000 --> 01:27:08,000
But yeah, this was actually gifted to me by one of my close friends, and it's Everyday Affirmations. This book is very, very cool because it has, it says 365 mantras for happiness, strength and peace.

580
01:27:08,000 --> 01:27:24,000
But each, it takes you throughout the whole year. So it starts in January, January 1, and all the way until the end of the year. And it's just really, really nice little excerpts that just help you to, you know, reflect.

581
01:27:24,000 --> 01:27:40,000
So this was the book that I just recently finished reading, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And yeah, I just love every single thing in here. And it essentially talks about how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead.

582
01:27:40,000 --> 01:27:44,000
So these are my favorites.

583
01:27:44,000 --> 01:27:55,000
I love her. I'm going to get her on one day. You know, obviously a lot of these big names are harder to get hold of, but that courageous vulnerability, and this is exactly what we've been discussing today.

584
01:27:55,000 --> 01:28:03,000
You know, if we don't talk about that stuff, you know, really to be completely blunt, it's cowardice. It's cowardice not talking about it.

585
01:28:03,000 --> 01:28:17,000
Bringing this out and telling our own stories of struggles and creating space for other people to support to speak is courage. That is actually bravery. So reframing it from all your weak, you know, talking about it, it's the complete opposite.

586
01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:21,000
You know, we're strong when we actually talk about it.

587
01:28:21,000 --> 01:28:24,000
Couldn't agree more. Yeah.

588
01:28:24,000 --> 01:28:30,000
All right, well then what about movies and documentaries, any of those that you love?

589
01:28:30,000 --> 01:28:39,000
Since having Ava, I don't even remember the last movie that we watched. It's crazy.

590
01:28:39,000 --> 01:28:46,000
I just watched a movie not too long ago and I was like, this is one of the best movies I've watched a while.

591
01:28:46,000 --> 01:28:53,000
And I can't think of it. Okay, it's about, it's based on a real life story. Oh yes, yes, now I remember.

592
01:28:53,000 --> 01:29:06,000
Gran Turismo. I really liked this movie. I thought it was really cool. It's a really awesome story and I can't believe that it's based on something that happened in real life.

593
01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:16,000
I want to get the real guy on as well. That was such an amazing story. He was a video game player, wasn't he? And then Nissan put a competition on and they became real drivers and to this day he still competes.

594
01:29:16,000 --> 01:29:19,000
So amazing. Yeah.

595
01:29:19,000 --> 01:29:33,000
Brilliant. Well, speaking of amazing people, it's a good segue to the next question. Is there a person that you'd recommend to come on this podcast as a guest to speak to the first responders, military and associated professions of the world, and it can be anyone?

596
01:29:33,000 --> 01:29:51,000
I feel like there are things that like people go through and it just relates to every single person, no matter the profession, but especially the professions like first responders, you know, in the military, where we are in such a extreme and dangerous, you know, job.

597
01:29:51,000 --> 01:29:55,000
I really feel like fighters would be able to relate a lot.

598
01:29:55,000 --> 01:30:16,000
And for some reason, there's not really an oh, you know, I just saw a video about Dustin Poirier speaking out about about his mental health and I think that he would be amazing to be on the show and also he does a lot of great work.

599
01:30:16,000 --> 01:30:22,000
He's got his own nonprofit, the Good Fight Foundation and so yeah.

600
01:30:22,000 --> 01:30:30,000
Yeah, no, he's actually someone I've had on my radar for a while and he think he trains down South Florida a lot of times and not too far from me, but I've never actually pulled the trigger and reached out.

601
01:30:30,000 --> 01:30:38,000
But yeah, I've heard nothing but good things about him and it just seems to be such a humble guy as well. So that'd be an amazing person.

602
01:30:38,000 --> 01:30:49,000
All right. Well, then the very last question before we make sure where people can find you and fight story. What you do to decompress these days.

603
01:30:49,000 --> 01:31:00,000
So, because I'm in Hawaii, you know, whenever we get the chance, going to the beach really, really helps just being in nature.

604
01:31:00,000 --> 01:31:14,000
Finding that peace and calm to just unwind and and you know, like, feel the sun and hear the ocean is very, very, you know, relaxing and the days I can't get out to the beach just going out for a walk.

605
01:31:14,000 --> 01:31:24,000
And it sounds so simple, but like actually put on your shoes and going out for a walk, bringing the dog or, you know, walking my daughter in the stroller like it.

606
01:31:24,000 --> 01:31:33,000
It's really nice and it just brings you present and and for me.

607
01:31:33,000 --> 01:31:36,000
Making myself a cup of coffee.

608
01:31:36,000 --> 01:31:46,000
I don't know, just the whole process of like, you know, I have an espresso machine, so like packing espresso, waiting for it. Just like that's my little bit of excitement.

609
01:31:46,000 --> 01:31:51,000
You know, making it making it nice and just appreciating the little things like that.

610
01:31:51,000 --> 01:32:10,000
You know, my daughter, she just brings so much joy just seeing the pure like she's so pure and like innocent and like you see like the things that matter to her, you know, and it's like, wow, you know, puts life into perspective for sure.

611
01:32:10,000 --> 01:32:17,000
And sometimes we get so caught up in work or got to do more, got to work more, got to make more money.

612
01:32:17,000 --> 01:32:24,000
And it's like, well, what really matters at the end of the day? You know, it's like a compilation of all of these little moments.

613
01:32:24,000 --> 01:32:33,000
And that's essentially going to be her childhood, you know, and I want to make sure that it's that we're going to be there and make the most out of it and make the changes.

614
01:32:33,000 --> 01:32:44,000
You know, I mean, no one's perfect and we're human beings, but we can always, you know, there's always room to learn and grow.

615
01:32:44,000 --> 01:32:50,000
There's so much we can learn from that age. I always refer to them, you know, as, you know, our kind of baseline.

616
01:32:50,000 --> 01:32:55,000
If you think about a preschool, they want crayons and a ball.

617
01:32:55,000 --> 01:33:04,000
They're not thinking about racism or politics or any of that stuff, you know, and then, you know, they can sit in a mud pile and just play with puddles for an hour.

618
01:33:04,000 --> 01:33:21,000
And, you know, most of us now can't even sit down without grabbing our phone after about two minutes. So I think the, you know, reverting back to watching our children when they were that age is a great reminder of what true wonder and amazement in the gift that is this life really is.

619
01:33:21,000 --> 01:33:26,000
Because we get so distracted by stuff that, as you said, really in the grand scale of things doesn't matter.

620
01:33:26,000 --> 01:33:29,000
Yeah, for sure.

621
01:33:29,000 --> 01:33:39,000
All right. Well, then for people listening, where can they find Fight Story? Talk to me about the apparel that you've got now as well. And then where are the best places to find you online?

622
01:33:39,000 --> 01:33:52,000
Yes, so Fight Story, you can find us, our website is fightstory.org and there you can find, you know, you can share your story, you can hear other people's stories.

623
01:33:52,000 --> 01:34:07,000
We're on Instagram at Fight Story Official. We do have an apparel store, Fight Story Apparel Co. And, you know, the proceeds from that also help Fight Story in our mission.

624
01:34:07,000 --> 01:34:26,000
Yeah, you know, just whoever is listening right now, thank you. Thank you for your time for hearing me and my story. And I hope that wherever you are in this world, I just, you know, hope you're well and just keep on keeping on.

625
01:34:26,000 --> 01:34:45,000
You know, we're in this together. It's a fight, but it's life. Let's make it a good one. Come on.