1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,220
I'm extremely excited to announce a brand new sponsor for the Behind the Shield podcast

2
00:00:04,220 --> 00:00:06,540
that is Transcend.

3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:10,560
Now for many of you listening, you are probably working the same brutal shifts that I did

4
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,520
for 14 years.

5
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:18,840
Suffering from sleep deprivation, body composition challenges, mental health challenges, libido,

6
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,540
hair loss, etc.

7
00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:23,800
Now when it comes to the world of hormone replacement and peptide therapy, what I have

8
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:28,220
seen is a shift from doctors telling us that we were within normal limits, which was definitely

9
00:00:28,220 --> 00:00:32,920
incorrect all the way to the other way now where men's clinics are popping up left,

10
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,560
right and center.

11
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:40,120
So I myself wanted to find a reputable company that would do an analysis of my physiology

12
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:45,320
and then offer supplementations without ramming, for example, hormone replacement therapy down

13
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,460
my throat.

14
00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:50,780
Now I came across Transcend because they have an altruistic arm and they were a big reason

15
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:56,800
why the 7X project I was a part of was able to proceed because of their generous donations.

16
00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,820
They also have the Transcend foundations where they are actually putting military and first

17
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:05,440
responders through some of their therapies at no cost to the individual.

18
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:11,000
So my own personal journey so far filled in the online form, went to Quest, got blood

19
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,720
drawn and a few days later I'm talking to one of their wellness professionals as they

20
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:19,140
guide me through my results and the supplementation that they suggest.

21
00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:23,640
In my case specifically, because I transitioned out the fire service five years ago and been

22
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:28,800
very diligent with my health, my testosterone was actually in a good place.

23
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:33,320
So I went down the peptide route and some other supplements to try and maximize my physiology

24
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:37,760
knowing full well the damage that 14 years of shift work has done.

25
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,680
Now I also want to underline because I think this is very important that each of the therapies

26
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,080
they offer, they will talk about the pros and cons.

27
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:49,520
So for example, a lot of first responders in shift work, our testosterone will be low,

28
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:54,360
but sometimes nutrition, exercise and sleep can offset that on its own.

29
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:58,680
So this company is not going to try and push you down a path, especially if it's one that

30
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,360
you can't come back from.

31
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:07,760
So whether it's libido, brain fog, inflammation, gut health, performance, sleep, this is definitely

32
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,880
one of the most powerful tools in the toolbox.

33
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:17,800
So to learn more, go to transcendcompany.com or listen to episode 808 of the Behind the

34
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,440
Shield podcast with founder Ernie Colling.

35
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:28,240
This episode is sponsored by a company I've used for well over a decade and that is 511.

36
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:33,660
I wore their uniforms back in Anaheim, California and have used their products ever since.

37
00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:40,240
From their incredibly strong yet light footwear to their cut uniforms for both male and female

38
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:45,080
responders, I found them hands down the best workwear in all the departments that I've

39
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,080
worked for.

40
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,640
Outside of the fire service, I use their luggage for everything and I travel a lot and they

41
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:56,880
are also now sponsoring the 7X team as we embark around the world on the Human Performance

42
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:57,880
project.

43
00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:02,000
We have Murph coming up in May and again I bought their plate carrier.

44
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,960
I ended up buying real ballistic plates rather than the fake weight plates and that has been

45
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,840
my ride or die through Murph the last few years as well.

46
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,760
One area I want to talk about that I haven't in previous sponsorship spots is their brick

47
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,600
and mortar element.

48
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:21,320
They were predominantly an online company up till more recently but now they are approaching

49
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,040
100 stores all over the US.

50
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:29,120
My local store is here in Gainesville Florida and I've been multiple times and the discounts

51
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,360
you see online are applied also in the stores.

52
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:38,980
So as I mentioned 511 is offering you 15% off every purchase that you make but I do

53
00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:44,080
want to say more often than not they have an even deeper discount especially around

54
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,680
holiday times.

55
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:55,640
But if you use the code SHIELD15 you will get 15% off your order or in the stores every

56
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,480
time you make a purchase.

57
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:02,800
And if you want to hear more about 511, who they stand for and who works with them, listen

58
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:10,880
to episode 580 of Behind the Shield podcast with 511 regional director Will Ayers.

59
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,480
Welcome to the Behind the Shield podcast.

60
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,200
As always my name is James Gearing and this week it is my absolute honor to welcome on

61
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:21,560
the show US Army veteran and athlete Jeff Spira.

62
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:27,360
Now in this conversation we discuss a host of topics from Jeff's journey into the military,

63
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:36,520
providing security for EOD, losing friends in war, his jarring transition, incarceration,

64
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:43,120
overcoming addiction, obstacle racing, hormone therapy and so much more.

65
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:48,420
Now before we get to this incredible conversation as I say every week please just take a moment.

66
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:53,560
Go to whichever app you listen to this on, subscribe to the show, leave feedback and

67
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,580
leave a rating.

68
00:04:55,580 --> 00:05:00,800
Every single five star rating truly does elevate this podcast therefore making it easier for

69
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,360
others to find.

70
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:07,360
And this is a free library of over 900 episodes now.

71
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:13,000
So all I ask in return is that you help share these incredible men and women stories so

72
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:18,600
I can get them to every single person on planet earth who needs to hear them.

73
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:23,760
So with that being said, I introduce to you Jeff Spira.

74
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:43,560
Enjoy.

75
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,920
Well Jeff I want to say thank you so much for taking the time and coming on the Behind

76
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,840
the Shield podcast today.

77
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,280
I'm extremely grateful to be here.

78
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,880
Thank you for inviting me on, sharing your platform with me.

79
00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:02,640
I really appreciate that investment into me and I look forward to the value that we can

80
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:03,800
bring to people.

81
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:04,800
Absolutely.

82
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:09,280
Well very first question, where on planet earth are we finding you today?

83
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,460
I am in Destin, Florida.

84
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,240
So we are in the same state.

85
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,720
Yep, yep, yep.

86
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:20,520
You're East Coast so like we have a little bit of a time difference as far as like Eastern

87
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:21,520
time.

88
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,480
Man, you would be surprised how many people they're like the second that you say Florida

89
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,880
they think it's automatically like Eastern Standard Time or whatever.

90
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,760
And I'm like, I know that doesn't change until you get to about Tallahassee.

91
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:39,240
So I'm still central over here but I'm originally from Louisiana.

92
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:44,440
So I got into a little bit of trouble in Louisiana and then I needed to change things like people,

93
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,880
places and things.

94
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:52,480
And then came here and completely turned my life around but it all started my story, my

95
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:56,640
journey originally started in Louisiana.

96
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:57,640
Well let's start there.

97
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,000
That's what I like to do is start someone's you know, the very beginning the origin story.

98
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,200
So tell me where in Louisiana you were born and tell me a little bit about your family

99
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,800
dynamic, what your parents did, how many siblings.

100
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,800
Roger that.

101
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:17,120
So I'm originally from Opelousas, Louisiana and I'm not going to I don't want to say that

102
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:24,160
I had a rough upbringing or anything like that but there was a lot of violence and I

103
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,600
was around a lot of violence as far as like domestic and stuff like that.

104
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,720
Some of my youngest memories I didn't I didn't have the greatest role model as a father growing

105
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,720
up.

106
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:42,600
My youngest memories were seeing remembering seeing my dad beat my mom pretty bad.

107
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:51,080
And that kind of really shattered and fractured my foundation and security and with like feeling

108
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:56,600
love because when they started to go through like their divorce and things like that, I

109
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,840
became this like tool, right?

110
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:08,600
Like to hurt the other person and it was like later I was like, man, you start to like kind

111
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,000
of and not that my mom doesn't love me or anything like that but like you start to kind

112
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:18,400
of see where like manipulation is and stuff like that or whatever and it's like it just

113
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:24,720
kind of really changes your perspective of like of love or being loved or being valued

114
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,080
and things like that.

115
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,280
My mom did the best she could with what she had.

116
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:35,080
I just had a really, you know, rough bout with my dad and stuff like that.

117
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:41,880
But even after even after that, she was in another relationship that didn't last very

118
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:48,380
long and he became extremely abusive.

119
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:54,320
And we ended up moving a lot and he started to track us from like location to location.

120
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:59,640
I remember in being in some of the locations and one of the places I was sitting in the

121
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:07,800
living room and I see a fist come through a door like the glass pane on the door and

122
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:13,560
like reaching inside for to like undo the lock.

123
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:17,660
And then we ended up, you know, from situations like that, we ended up moving again.

124
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:25,580
And then there was a situation where he came in the house one night and it got pretty violent.

125
00:09:25,580 --> 00:09:27,620
My mom got cut.

126
00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:31,480
Her hand was like cut open.

127
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:38,480
And then, you know, I get carried out of the house a little while later and, you know,

128
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,520
my mom got taken away in the ambulance and stuff like that or whatever.

129
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,840
And I'm seeing, I see my mom's blood on the walls and stuff like that or whatever.

130
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:51,840
And your security gets extremely fractured at that point.

131
00:09:51,840 --> 00:10:00,120
You know, like your protector is, you know, being, you know, like I don't want to say

132
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:08,000
aimed at, but like is being targeted and it's hard to protect, you know, everyone in situations

133
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,000
like that or whatever.

134
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:17,800
So later on, a little bit later, I really started to struggle with with my like self

135
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,160
confidence and things like that.

136
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:24,520
And I developed like these like nervous habits where like I was making these noises almost

137
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,200
kind of like I had Tourette's and I would I would started to get picked on and things

138
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,480
like that got bullied a little bit.

139
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:36,000
I was at a school bounce around schools a lot.

140
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,600
I was at a school and I was made sit on the floor of a bus.

141
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:47,040
And you know, like one night I went home and I like cried myself to sleep.

142
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,240
The next day I was like, dude, this ends here.

143
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:54,240
This this is like this is where this stops.

144
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,840
Next day, go go to school.

145
00:10:55,840 --> 00:11:00,280
I'm one of the first people on the bus that evening.

146
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,920
And I remember sitting down and he gets on the bus.

147
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,760
He's like, you know, pick your, you know, catch your spot on the floor.

148
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,080
This is like third or fourth grade.

149
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:17,080
I can't remember exactly the grade, but it was around third or fourth grade.

150
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,680
He's like, get your ass on the floor where you belong.

151
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,680
I grab my backpack.

152
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,960
I stand up and whenever I get into the aisle, I drop my backpack and I did the only thing

153
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:31,740
that I had seen and understood as how to gain fire superiority in the situation.

154
00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:34,620
And that is violence.

155
00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:38,200
So I grabbed him by the esophagus and I just start squeezing him.

156
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,680
You know, I got one hand on the back of his his his neck and then the other one, I'm just

157
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,680
squeezing his throat and I'm screaming, I'm going to fucking kill you.

158
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,560
I'm going to fucking kill you over and over and over.

159
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:55,920
And what seemed like felt like forever probably lasted all of about like 10 seconds.

160
00:11:55,920 --> 00:12:04,560
But you know, you've got a third or fourth grader that's already developing this does

161
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:09,040
extreme desire to like hurt people, you know, through what they've seen.

162
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,040
You know what I'm saying?

163
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:15,160
So I think I started attending therapy after that.

164
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:21,000
And that's, you know, I mean, therapy is an interesting, an interesting thing.

165
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:25,640
But like, my security was just so jacked up and all I'd ever seen was was violence.

166
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,640
You know, or like how to handle people.

167
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:39,080
And you know, I'll say that it's like the way that my father showed me how to be a man

168
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:46,940
is by showing me all the things of like what not to do, how not to treat people, how not

169
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:47,940
to treat women.

170
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:55,760
And even like later, like I always wanted my like my father's approval, validation

171
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,760
or whatever.

172
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,680
I think we we crave that as men, you know what I'm saying?

173
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:09,640
So we crave that fatherly love, that desire to be validated by another man.

174
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,200
You know, our father is extremely important in our life.

175
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,720
And like I chased that for a long time.

176
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:21,280
And never I don't think, you know, I never really got it, but I had to come to terms

177
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:28,600
with that and and how to validate my myself through surrounding yourself by the right

178
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:33,720
people.

179
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:34,720
That was an instance.

180
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,480
I'm kind of I jumped all over the place.

181
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:42,060
But there was an instance where my mom tried to leave was leaving my dad and or wanted

182
00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:47,920
to leave my dad and she comes out the house, the back of the house with a firearm and I'm

183
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:55,160
crawling on the ground and my dad picks me up and puts me in front of him like a shield.

184
00:13:55,160 --> 00:14:02,260
And he tells her, shoot now, you know, and it's like when you go through a situation

185
00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:10,880
like that, how am I supposed to ever take value for my own life whenever my protector

186
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,760
or the person that's supposed to protect me.

187
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,360
Has no value for my own life.

188
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:22,420
You know, and I and I should have said that earlier before I got to like the validation

189
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:29,820
part or whatever, because then it would probably have made more sense.

190
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:34,300
So we'll fast forward, like the bus situation, all that stuff took place.

191
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:42,320
I get I was I was extremely involved in in sports growing up baseball track in high school

192
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,600
in baseball.

193
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:49,240
And then I moved to my dad's my senior year because I wanted to be closer to my friends

194
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:50,440
and stuff like that.

195
00:14:50,440 --> 00:15:00,640
And my dad found some weed in my headboard, which wasn't too hard to find.

196
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,680
It smelled extremely loud, but I was removed.

197
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,520
I was removed from the baseball team.

198
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:14,320
And so there there went like any hopes or dreams to go into college as far as like getting

199
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,680
a scholarship or anything like that.

200
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:17,680
Right.

201
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:25,400
Well, there was an army recruiter at school and I ended up running into him.

202
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,680
I'm like, you know, I wanted to go to college, which I've never used.

203
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,560
I've never used those benefits.

204
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:36,200
The whole one of the main reasons that I signed up for the army was was to to go to college

205
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,960
and I never I never accessed I never accessed that.

206
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:50,160
But so I signed up March 13th of 2003, which is 13 days after my birthday.

207
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,460
And I dated a girl all through high school.

208
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:57,280
And then I get go to basic training.

209
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,400
I come back.

210
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,000
I get back.

211
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,160
So I leave in October of 2003.

212
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,160
I come back.

213
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,520
It's like February of 04.

214
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,640
I get married May 9th of 04.

215
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,200
I got deployed May 15th.

216
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,200
And then.

217
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,400
You know, I was infantry and combat engineer.

218
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:28,180
And then the job, our job as a as a unit was to do EOD escort and security as well as route

219
00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:35,320
clearance missions while deployed to Baghdad, Iraq from 04 to 05 is 18 month deployment.

220
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,800
I did 12 months boots on ground.

221
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:44,160
We had a little bit of a train up mobilization, all those things you go through to prepare.

222
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:53,880
And man, I'm extremely grateful for those situations and what the the bonds that I developed

223
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,680
out there.

224
00:16:55,680 --> 00:17:05,280
But when you return home and you've lost some friends out there and stuff like that, I was

225
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,280
National Guard.

226
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:11,440
So the people that we were deployed with were all extremely close.

227
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,120
And like we grew up together.

228
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,480
We played sports together.

229
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,240
You know, everybody's family.

230
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:26,760
So like it's a and not not taking anything from any other, you know, anybody that loses

231
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:27,760
anybody.

232
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,000
But whenever you have people that you've been close to, like for that long, you know, their

233
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:37,400
families and so it's so hard whenever you come back to see their families and then they

234
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:42,600
ask you about like situations and stuff like that.

235
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,360
Or you know, and it's just like.

236
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,640
I went into such a state of hiding after I got back.

237
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,120
Or you say hiding.

238
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,680
Isolation.

239
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,920
And my idea of coping.

240
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:05,680
Was substances was the cocaine meth, like anything to help me like feel different than

241
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,200
what I was.

242
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:12,400
And coping through use of substances is not coping.

243
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:17,080
You're just prolonging the healing.

244
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:24,520
If you know, or like prolonging the possibility of healing, you know, because oftentimes we

245
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:31,760
develop victim mindset through these things and like the why me and like, you know, the

246
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,720
Survivors Guild or or whatever.

247
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:39,520
Oh, it should have been me, you know, like all those things like played heavy, put heavy

248
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,080
weight on my shoulders with with those situations.

249
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,080
You know what I mean?

250
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:50,400
So.

251
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,320
Coming back, the transition was extremely difficult.

252
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,240
And then like.

253
00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:08,040
So I spent 13 years in and out of incarcerations, institutions, psych wards, battling suicide.

254
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:13,520
I was a fugitive for five and a half years on the run.

255
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:21,120
And man, there's not a single part of any of that from childhood to then.

256
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,480
Now that I regret, I don't regret it.

257
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:30,400
Like I learned so much through the course of all that, especially like with mental health.

258
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,840
And you know, like.

259
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:37,240
When I got released, I didn't do a long stint in jail because like a lot of the charges

260
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,440
have reached their like statute of limitations by the time I got picked up and they weren't

261
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,080
anything like.

262
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,120
Outlandishly crazy, they were like.

263
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,720
I mean, it was a lot of stuff, but I can't and I can't even remember the whole list of

264
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,880
charges, but it was it was a couple of pages of stuff that had accumulated over that period

265
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,440
of five years.

266
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:05,440
But when there were a couple of situations that took place that were extremely like transformational

267
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:11,400
while I was incarcerated that last time I did a three, it was like a six month.

268
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:18,400
Conversation, the last one, and that was almost five years ago.

269
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:24,080
And there was a conversation that took that took place with my grandmother and she said

270
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,600
she's she's gone now, but she said.

271
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:31,120
If you could just get it right one time, you could quit coming back to this place.

272
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:35,880
We were on a video call and I was like.

273
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,560
I've got to quit letting the people that believe in me down.

274
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,960
You know what I'm saying is I'm doing a disservice to to my family and the people that love me

275
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,800
and the people that that know my potential and what I'm capable of.

276
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,880
And I know my potential and what I'm capable of.

277
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,320
And that was one.

278
00:20:55,320 --> 00:21:00,600
Then there was another where.

279
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,440
I accidentally got shipped to another facility like, oh, how does this happen?

280
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:10,640
It happens more times than, you know, they'd probably like to admit.

281
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,920
But so I ended up getting shipped to a facility.

282
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,280
And just a couple of days after I was there, I got beat pretty bad by a guard

283
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,640
and lost vision in my eye for a while.

284
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,680
I got I got hit with some of that.

285
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,840
That's that that lovely spray that they had or whatever.

286
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,160
And I mean, it ate me up.

287
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,880
And then I got thrown into a hot shower, which really helped to activate it

288
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,400
and spice things up a little bit.

289
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,840
But one of the things that I said.

290
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:49,280
After that, like this is whenever I really sort of take like ownership

291
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:54,480
and accountability of the life that I was living and the changes that I needed to make.

292
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,160
To become a better me, to become a better version of myself.

293
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,240
And that was if I wasn't living the shit life that I was living before,

294
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,480
I never would have put him in the position for those things that happened to me.

295
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,200
You know, life is all about choices,

296
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,360
and it's due to these choices that we make the consequences that they carry.

297
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:21,120
So I was one. And then so the third thing.

298
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,360
That was extremely important for me to recognize.

299
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:29,440
And this is just another part of ownership is like when I was up for my sentencing.

300
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,280
The judge offered me a hundred dollar bond.

301
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,600
And probation.

302
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,960
And I was like, you know, this is the first time since.

303
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,080
Getting back from Iraq, this is the longest I've ever been sober.

304
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,720
People were breaking into my house, stealing everything I had.

305
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:55,840
And if I got released at that point in time, I was just going to go out

306
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,440
and like wreak havoc. You know what I'm saying?

307
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:02,720
I was still in a bit of a vengeful or spiteful mindset.

308
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,800
And I wanted to change that.

309
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:10,800
And I said, you know, I would prefer just sitting here.

310
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,720
What does that look like?

311
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:18,360
And he said, man, this isn't his words verbatim, but they're very close.

312
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,640
He said, you know, in all my in all my time of being a judge,

313
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:26,040
I've never seen anybody turn out going home.

314
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,680
And so they ended up giving me six months credit for time served

315
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:36,000
and then dropped the felony to misdemeanors, gave me gave me a chance.

316
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,880
You know what I'm saying? Gave me a second chance at life, really.

317
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640
And I took that.

318
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,760
I like to say I took that and ran with it and I never used again.

319
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,080
But whenever I got released.

320
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,120
I did start to struggle.

321
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,080
I did relapse a couple more times after that.

322
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,440
I didn't get in any kind of trouble or anything like that.

323
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:59,720
Typically, I would like literally just isolate and hide and then.

324
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,640
Be extremely angry with myself and then

325
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,080
my last relapse was.

326
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,800
So I set out at the beginning of.

327
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:21,320
2023 to run across the United States and go go after

328
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:29,520
go after a world record, which for males was 21 or 22 days of doing a 50K a day.

329
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,720
I did 85 days.

330
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:42,720
At 32 miles a day and went down a heat stroke on day 85.

331
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:47,840
I still tried to run for another another 10 days after that.

332
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,000
But I was I was basically dying.

333
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,880
You know, it just wasn't working out so well for me, so that ended.

334
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:01,000
And then I got so in my head about that.

335
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,640
About that and one of the things that is important, like

336
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,880
I was identifying myself by this goal.

337
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,600
I felt like a failure because I didn't achieve the goal.

338
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,160
I didn't make it across the United States.

339
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,480
I didn't do this. I didn't do that.

340
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,720
But look at how what I what I failed to realize was that was a benchmark.

341
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,640
It was another lesson.

342
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,640
I did that. I did that run extremely premature.

343
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,920
I really wasn't ready for it physically.

344
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,240
I didn't have the team for it.

345
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,320
But I wasn't I wasn't scared to fail.

346
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,920
But whenever I failed.

347
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,840
I identified like my mindset got jacked up.

348
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:44,920
And probably part of the reason with that was the amount of cortisol

349
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:49,680
that was released in my in my system and in my mental health just like plummeted.

350
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,640
And then I wanted to run away from my problems and then I relapse again.

351
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,240
And then that went on for about like about four months.

352
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:06,840
And that got me to a state of homelessness,

353
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,600
which I've been I battled homelessness for like.

354
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:16,000
The last three months recently got me recently got an apartment, got my.

355
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,640
Got my feet back on the ground.

356
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,880
I work relentlessly at, you know, getting my head back on the ground.

357
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:25,920
Getting my head back above water and stuff like that.

358
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,440
I'm not going to quit, you know, saying that.

359
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,280
And the thing behind the run wasn't.

360
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:36,000
About the world record, because even though I I broke.

361
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,920
The 21 to 22 days consecutive days of doing a 50K,

362
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,320
I didn't even submit the paperwork.

363
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,320
It was never about it was never about the world record, you know,

364
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,040
in my transition.

365
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,800
And everything and going through like the VA for the disability

366
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,600
and stuff like that and the things that have taken place.

367
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,880
I started to identify by some of these injuries and like what you can't do.

368
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,440
And sometimes what you can't do or what you're not supposed to do

369
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,200
is every reason why you should continue to keep doing that,

370
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,120
because when you get away from those things.

371
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,000
That you should be doing.

372
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:22,520
Or that you love is like you literally start aging five times faster.

373
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,600
Everything starts to hurt 10 times worse.

374
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:29,240
Everything starts to like just put you on this downward spiral,

375
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:33,760
you know, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, all these things, you know.

376
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,360
Yeah, friggin.

377
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,960
And then so.

378
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,880
When I talk to Brendan at Transcend,

379
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:51,160
and then they helped me get my like my like my blood work done.

380
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,000
The foundation helped me get my blood work done, Transcend Foundation,

381
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:58,880
and then got me, you know, the protocols that I needed to,

382
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:03,760
you know, with with to help me start to get back into a better mental place,

383
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:09,040
back on track, get my levels straight, get everything back into alignment

384
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,640
so I can get better sleep, that way I can feel better mentally, physically.

385
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,000
That way I can start doing.

386
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:19,920
You know, recovering, repairing and then like prepare for what's next, you know.

387
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,760
I think that was one of our one of the initial conversations that we had.

388
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,800
We talked about Transcend and like what they what they do and how they,

389
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,320
you know, helped you to.

390
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:31,800
Yeah, no, absolutely.

391
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:36,600
Well, I want to I want to go back initially to the start of 9 11.

392
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,200
So you've had this turbulent childhood.

393
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,400
I mean, I want to unpack some of that as we get further on, because I mean, you're

394
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,760
a child's reality, their feeling of safety, security, safety, safety,

395
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:52,960
feeling of safety, security, love is obviously based on the four walls

396
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,080
of the homes that they grew up in.

397
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,160
And that can be nurturing and loving or it can be terrifying for some young kids.

398
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,160
But walk me through the 9 11 experience.

399
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,480
You know, how old were you and what was that like through your eyes?

400
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,200
I was in high school, so 9 11.

401
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,720
I was a sophomore, I was a sophomore in high school and I was in.

402
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,560
I was in chemistry.

403
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:22,560
I remember that everything literally just stopped and they put that

404
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:25,120
they put that on the news and I was like.

405
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:27,800
What the hell is going on?

406
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:32,120
You know what I mean? Like, you know, you're angry, you're upset.

407
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,560
You got all these people that are.

408
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:41,440
Getting hurt, killed, losing their families, you know, massive.

409
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,920
I don't know, man, I just.

410
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,360
I didn't know I didn't know what to think, how to feel.

411
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:51,920
Other than angry, upset, you know, like you feel helpless.

412
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,680
You know, like, what do you do?

413
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:59,560
How do you combat terrorism and like what's going on in life in these

414
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:05,400
in these situations? And, you know, also, I took my ass bad that year

415
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:06,120
because they were like.

416
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:10,480
This is what you're going to need to go into the military, you know,

417
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:14,200
to to to do, and I was like, you know, I went and took that.

418
00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,800
And obviously, whenever I signed up, I didn't have to take it again, but

419
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,760
my scores were high enough to to be able to get well.

420
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,640
You know, whenever you sign up for the infantry, I think

421
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,000
you probably have a as bad score one.

422
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:29,120
They let you in.

423
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:31,800
No, I'm kidding. But.

424
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:37,280
The experience, you know, everybody's talking, everybody was talking about it.

425
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:38,560
Everybody's talking about it.

426
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,280
Everybody's upset, everybody's enraged and, you know, you want to.

427
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,640
You want to do something about it, but like, what can you do?

428
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:50,360
Like, I've got two years before I can even, you know, do anything about the situation.

429
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:55,280
So what about the the actual career into the military?

430
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,160
Were you already thinking about that?

431
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,000
And if so, were there any mentors in your life?

432
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,800
Because obviously, you know, it sounds like the father figure had been

433
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,160
less than ideal for you.

434
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,880
Did you meet any other male or female figures, teachers, et cetera,

435
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,680
that kind of led you into the military?

436
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:16,080
No, I mean, my dad was in in the army a long time ago.

437
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,960
But I mean, it wasn't like he didn't have some kind of.

438
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:20,920
Crazy.

439
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,200
It's really interesting to even talk about that, because

440
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:30,560
there's so many times that conversations are coming up and then.

441
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,160
My dad would be like, oh, yeah, well, I'm going to be a

442
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:37,880
military man, and I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I did this in the military

443
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,080
and stuff like that, and I'm like.

444
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:41,480
It didn't go anywhere.

445
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,280
He was like, I don't know. Anyway, like.

446
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:53,960
I had a cousin that fought in Desert Storm or was deployed to Desert Storm.

447
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,320
He was in the Air Force.

448
00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:03,640
And then I had another cousin that was in the Marines and.

449
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,120
I don't.

450
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,600
Like they didn't influence my I don't want to say they

451
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,800
influenced my decision in any kind of way.

452
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:18,840
You know, my family was always like, you know, they're they're always super

453
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:22,760
supportive of the things that as far as like on my mom's side and stuff like that

454
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,040
or whatever, because I don't I didn't know a ton of my family off my dad's side, but.

455
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:30,880
They were always super supportive

456
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,440
and they were always like really scared any time any kind of slight

457
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:39,440
conflict came up, but I know whenever I signed my paperwork and then.

458
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,400
I almost immediately after

459
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,920
getting back from basic training, I was getting we got the orders to to get deployed.

460
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,320
And, you know, we had a little get together and they were like,

461
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:54,360
you know, do whatever you got to do to come back home and we'll deal with it.

462
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:58,880
Whenever you get back, I don't think anybody was ready for the chaos

463
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:04,360
that was coming with the downward spiral whenever I caught whenever I returned, you know.

464
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,840
And I didn't know what PTS was.

465
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,160
I didn't know what TBI was.

466
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,280
I didn't know what any of these things like the weight that any of this would carry.

467
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:14,920
I didn't know, you know.

468
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,080
I didn't know that anything was really like wrong with me, you know.

469
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:26,240
You know that there were so much stress that went on like in in in that deployment.

470
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:30,160
Like my mom had a we have my little brother.

471
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:35,000
We don't take that the wrong way.

472
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,280
Oh, my God. That sounds so bad.

473
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:39,680
It's like, oh, where are you from? Lower Alabama?

474
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,080
I was kidding. But

475
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:48,000
fricking so my mom, my mom had my little brother and he had

476
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:53,080
he was diagnosed with cancer like right before leukemia, right before I left to go.

477
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:57,960
So she's extremely stressed thinking, you know, like, what the hell am I going to do?

478
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:02,080
Like I could be I'm faced with the possibility of losing both my sons.

479
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,040
You know, I have a combat M.O.S. of being a combat engineer.

480
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:10,920
And the job that we had as far as like working alongside with EOD

481
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:15,480
and doing route clearance, they're extremely like chaotic jobs, you know.

482
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:21,400
And so. Whenever

483
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:27,680
that was also going on a couple of months after I left for my deployment, my

484
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:33,520
my wife at the time gets pregnant for one of my friends.

485
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,920
Clichy like typical, typical.

486
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,600
I say typical, but like typical military situation, right?

487
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,920
Like, I don't know, you know, like Jody's Jody's are everywhere.

488
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:49,440
But. So whenever I ended up coming back on a leave

489
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,920
and I spent the majority of the leave, either drunk.

490
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:57,240
On cocaine or in the attorney's office, getting a divorce.

491
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:02,760
So, you know, that was that was my two weeks of R&R.

492
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:09,000
And then I ran while I was on R&R, I ran into one of the guys I was deployed with.

493
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,280
His brother.

494
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,040
And, you know, like I said, we're extremely close to the family and stuff like that.

495
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:18,800
And grew up together, played baseball together, all these things. And.

496
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:23,600
He said, hey, man, whenever you see John, tell him I love him.

497
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,800
We miss him and we can't wait for him to come home.

498
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,680
I got back off a leave.

499
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:34,120
And the second then I saw John, I ran into him in the

500
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,840
the chow hall and.

501
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:42,520
A dining facility, I guess you could say same thing.

502
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:48,000
And he you know, I gave him a hug, told him that Brian loved him,

503
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,600
miss him, gave him a message from the family or whatever.

504
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:54,760
And it was like less than two weeks later, he was killed in action, him

505
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,800
and two other guys, John Reed,

506
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,920
Christopher Ramsey and Michael Evans, three people.

507
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:09,120
And one day in our in our New York New Roads unit.

508
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,400
So I was I was a rough that was a tough day for, you know,

509
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:18,640
for everybody and like you hear the call come over the thing that.

510
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:21,920
This is going on or whatever.

511
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,920
And this is one of the situations because like that was extremely close to home.

512
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,920
Those people live in the same town that that I grew up in.

513
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,800
And it was just.

514
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:37,800
Like the.

515
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:42,600
Like I said, man, I friggin isolated and I never wanted to be in that town,

516
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,160
not because of anything other than.

517
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:48,120
I just didn't want to think about it.

518
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:53,280
You know, and like I just left and just really never.

519
00:36:53,280 --> 00:37:02,040
Never kind of never went back. You just kind of want to like leave that,

520
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,720
leave that shit behind you.

521
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,560
But, you know, the drugs and all those things like started to really take over

522
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:09,200
my life and.

523
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,640
I don't know, man, that's like.

524
00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,840
Coping the wrong way.

525
00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:19,840
Coping or trying to trying to cope the wrong way and then like

526
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:23,240
developing that lifestyle.

527
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:25,200
Of, you know.

528
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:31,800
I told my like I went to this retreat, not a trip, it's not a retreat, the pursuit

529
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,320
walking with walking in truth ministries.

530
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,360
And actually, Cody Gandy sponsored me on this.

531
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:44,760
And then I met Josh Strasburg out there and JP now.

532
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:50,880
And this was such a life changing experience for me with

533
00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,000
with that situation, with that pursuit.

534
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:59,240
And it was investing in my my spirit, you know, into my spirituality

535
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:02,040
and my relationship with Jesus Christ and stuff like that.

536
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,400
But there were a couple of things out there.

537
00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:11,160
That were extremely impactful that like kind of changed, changed the way

538
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:17,400
that I think and the way that I more like the change, change the way that I felt

539
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,320
like almost like gave me some closure.

540
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:25,200
And there was a thing that we did, it was one of the last last nights there.

541
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,320
And they do a thing called a father's blessing.

542
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:35,600
I'm not going to be able to say it verbatim, but JP did it for me.

543
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:40,320
And, bro, like I would if I even got to feel myself like

544
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:44,000
getting all emotional about it now, man, it was such a powerful thing.

545
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,040
It gave me like closure.

546
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:46,800
It gave me like, you know, this

547
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:50,920
feeling of of of of being loved and things like that.

548
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,080
And it's I'm extremely grateful for that situation.

549
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:55,560
I don't know how I even got on that. But.

550
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,880
Walking in truth ministries, man, that friggin it was done in Amarillo, Texas.

551
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:06,080
Extremely powerful experience.

552
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:10,880
If anybody's doubting or, you know, trying to grow their relationship

553
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:12,880
with Jesus Christ, powerful place to go.

554
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:16,680
Solid place to go. Solid man. You know, there's a man, a man and a women's version.

555
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,640
And it was life changing for me.

556
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:24,800
JP and Cody have both been on the podcast, both incredible men.

557
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,680
I want to get to your transition story, but just before we do,

558
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:32,200
I want to throw a question at you that I do all members of the armed

559
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:33,880
services that have seen combat.

560
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:39,280
We get such a polarizing view of war on our television.

561
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:43,040
Screens, you either get the kill them all, let God sort them out.

562
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,640
Ra ra ra. Or you get the they're all baby killers.

563
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,680
And in the middle of the men and women, arguably children that we send out,

564
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:53,920
you know, with our flag on their shoulder to, you know, protect this country

565
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,760
and arguably protect the indigenous people on those countries.

566
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:02,880
So regardless of the politics, because as we touched on, you witnessed 9 11,

567
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,960
but you found yourself in a completely different country.

568
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:09,400
Regardless of the politics, was there a moment that you realized

569
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:13,120
that there were some horrific people out there that you needed to protect people from?

570
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:18,680
Absolutely.

571
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,960
When you go into a country where these people.

572
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:30,160
Or like literally taking anything

573
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:34,720
that they can. To kill you.

574
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,880
And let's go even a step further.

575
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,480
Let's remove killing us out of the equation.

576
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:46,880
When you're going to take your own people and cut them open and fill them up

577
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:47,880
with explosives.

578
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:53,160
To hurt you. Or other people or whatever.

579
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,080
Absolutely, you need to protect your people.

580
00:40:56,080 --> 00:41:00,640
You know what I'm saying? And and. You know.

581
00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:03,320
Man, we did these things.

582
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:08,120
We did some PBAs, post blast analysis out there,

583
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:11,600
and it's where you go and basically kind of conduct an investigation.

584
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:15,200
With the EOD teams and stuff like that.

585
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,320
And the smells that come with that.

586
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:23,240
Are pretty interesting, you know, like.

587
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:26,480
I didn't have to handle any of the stuff like firsthand.

588
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,640
I was a gunner, so I didn't have to get out of the truck in those situations

589
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:30,640
or whatever.

590
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:35,040
But being around it and knowing that you're on site

591
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,440
where people are no longer with us.

592
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,560
And I think that's the most important thing.

593
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,440
I think that's the most important thing.

594
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:52,760
No longer with us. When we would do our job on on like route clearance,

595
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,080
it would affect you whenever you would have to.

596
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:58,440
I don't want to speak. I'm not generalizing.

597
00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:00,520
I don't want to speak for everybody else.

598
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:04,760
When you do that job on route clearance and your job is to clear the roadways,

599
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:08,600
to protect other soldiers and civilians

600
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,280
to be able to safely travel the roads.

601
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,760
And then you go to something where something like this is detonated,

602
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,280
whether it's in the ground, whether it's a V bed, vehicle born ID, whatever.

603
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:28,360
That was another thing that I struggled with was like, I failed at my job.

604
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:32,480
You know, so.

605
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:35,400
There's like.

606
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,240
My thing wasn't with.

607
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,920
We're going to say, quote unquote, killing bad dudes.

608
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:48,720
Right. And I wasn't I didn't do anything like whatever, like.

609
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:51,800
I'm not here to talk about that.

610
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:53,400
And you know, that stuff or whatever.

611
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:57,000
But like, that's not where the trauma comes.

612
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,400
Like, there's no trauma.

613
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,400
I don't want to say there's no trauma that comes from that.

614
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,640
But that's not the problem.

615
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:06,720
The problem was seeing people destroyed.

616
00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:09,120
You know what I'm saying? Or like being on site

617
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:12,560
and knowing that your brothers aren't going home to their families.

618
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:19,520
Brothers, sisters, whatever, you know.

619
00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:23,560
Aren't going to be able to go home to their families. That's.

620
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:26,240
That's what like.

621
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:29,400
A lot of.

622
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:33,040
Negative, you know, like.

623
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:38,800
Self. Thoughts of self come in, you know, like negative thoughts about like,

624
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:40,560
man, I failed at doing this.

625
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,320
Was I not vigilant enough? Did I miss this or whatever?

626
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:47,680
And it probably got put on after you went through.

627
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,480
You know, the possibility that's like how you can kind of justify it.

628
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:56,000
But it's also then there's the accountability part of like, I want to

629
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,760
you want to take you want to take accountability of everything.

630
00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:02,120
You know what I'm saying? Like everything's my fault, you know.

631
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:08,080
Mm hmm. Well, just to kind of add to that, I've talked about this a lot as a paramedic

632
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:10,800
firefighter paramedic for 14 years.

633
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:13,960
I never saved a single cardiac arrest.

634
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:17,840
And so people like, you know, is it the horrible stuff that you've seen that bothers you?

635
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:21,200
And it's not. It's the people you couldn't save.

636
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,200
It's not the images.

637
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,200
It's the people that you couldn't save.

638
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:27,200
It's the people that you couldn't save.

639
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:31,200
The images, it's the cries of the family that are left behind.

640
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,760
You know, that's what I wouldn't say haunts me.

641
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:38,840
But that's what, you know, is the worst part of my experience as a paramedic.

642
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,480
So it sounds like it's the same kind of thing.

643
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:44,760
It's it's then, you know, that feeling of, you know, I didn't do enough,

644
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:48,280
even though, as you said, that IED could have been placed after you passed.

645
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,360
And, you know, as we talk about in medicine, we're not God.

646
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,240
We don't get to choose who lives or dies.

647
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:55,400
We get to do our job well or poorly.

648
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:59,800
But outside of that, you know, it's not up to us to save everyone.

649
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:05,680
But when you pour your heart and soul into protecting or saving,

650
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:10,560
when you lose someone, it's literally the polar opposite of your very mission.

651
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:12,560
So it's jarring.

652
00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:15,720
And would you so so.

653
00:45:15,720 --> 00:45:24,480
I read this book and I can't remember the name of it, but it was it was about PTSD.

654
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:29,320
And it's like whenever your moral compass is fucked with.

655
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:31,320
You know what I'm saying?

656
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:35,680
Like, and then you have like this training that you're supposed to do this or that or whatever.

657
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:41,120
And I feel like that's worth saying, like you just said, the same thing or whatever.

658
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,800
It's like it's not so much the chaos of the situation,

659
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:48,600
but it's whenever like you have an opportunity that you could possibly quote unquote,

660
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:50,040
like you're not God. Right.

661
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,160
But then they put you or I would say they.

662
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:57,320
But you have a job where like you kind of are.

663
00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:01,120
I'm not saying that you are God.

664
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:02,880
Right. Like I'm not. That's not what I'm saying.

665
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:06,960
I'm just saying, like when you get put in the when you can save or take a life,

666
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:11,880
you're putting on the shoes of God, so to speak.

667
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:17,160
You know. And.

668
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,640
Those are some those are some those are some heavy shoes,

669
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,600
you know, because we aren't God.

670
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:29,120
We that's that's not who we are.

671
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:33,200
But generally, whenever you're signing up for these things and to do these jobs,

672
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,560
the service work and stuff like that, you're signing up to do good.

673
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,880
You're not signing up to do harm.

674
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:42,000
You're signing up for service and protection.

675
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:44,800
You know, what is the most fulfilling feeling?

676
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:50,080
What is the most fulfilling thing out the feeling out there?

677
00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:54,680
And that's like acts of service is one of them is like,

678
00:46:55,160 --> 00:47:00,200
I know that whenever I help someone, even it making introductions with people,

679
00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:03,240
whenever I see people connect.

680
00:47:03,240 --> 00:47:04,200
I feel good.

681
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,160
And whenever I see them thriving off of that connection,

682
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:10,720
it's just like it makes me smile even bigger because I like I like to see people win.

683
00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:11,960
I like to see people do good.

684
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:15,040
I like to see people advance their life, advance their relationships,

685
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:19,440
advance in business, whatever it is, you know, and it's just it's

686
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,240
service work is is powerful.

687
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:28,320
In all aspects, not just like it doesn't have to be extreme,

688
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:33,720
even down to like putting the buggy up at the store.

689
00:47:33,720 --> 00:47:36,800
It boils down to be a good person.

690
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:41,480
You know, like from the extreme, who would bring it, we can dumb it down a little bit.

691
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:44,160
Like I like to put the buggies up at the store.

692
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:45,880
I do, too. I don't record it.

693
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:48,000
I don't need a pat on the back.

694
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,680
They're going to post it on social media, bro.

695
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:55,040
Like I'm not going to frickin record it and then post it in my stories.

696
00:47:55,040 --> 00:48:00,960
You know, and I was with I was with somebody a while back and

697
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:03,600
was at the store and

698
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:08,760
I see him leave a buggy, like take this stuff out.

699
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:09,520
I'm like.

700
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:14,560
You know, leave it right there.

701
00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:18,160
OK, cool. I get out the car and I go and grab the buggy,

702
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:20,640
and then I walk across the parking lot, go put the buggy back.

703
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:22,680
I'm like, do be a good, be a good human.

704
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,000
You know, like.

705
00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:28,520
But then that that kind of that influence of the buggy,

706
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:32,160
then that that kind of that influence of of me doing that.

707
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:36,480
There were other situations down that I had been to the store with them.

708
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:37,960
And guess what?

709
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:40,240
Eventually, they started putting their buggy back.

710
00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:41,240
I was like.

711
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:43,800
So why did you put the buggy back?

712
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:46,360
Well, if I didn't put the buggy back, you would have went back

713
00:48:46,360 --> 00:48:48,600
and then did it and I was ready to go.

714
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:50,960
It's like.

715
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:57,040
So the way that we act and the thing that we do

716
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:58,960
is influence the people around us.

717
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:00,360
And I tried to.

718
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,800
Everybody around me, in my opinion, is better than me.

719
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:08,960
I like to be around people that are constantly striving

720
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:12,760
and constantly searching for more that are selfless, that are generous,

721
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:15,120
that are kind.

722
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:17,520
They choose to be kind, you know, like it's.

723
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:22,520
Kindness is a choice, you know, and all these things are choices.

724
00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:23,480
We can choose to get better.

725
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:24,800
We can choose to get worse.

726
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:25,960
There is no in-between.

727
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,840
Every day, you're either getting better or you're getting worse, you know?

728
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:30,680
And.

729
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:36,160
Those are the things like being selfless has helped me

730
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:39,160
a lot, like, you know, if I'm feeling down.

731
00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:43,320
But you hold the door open for somebody.

732
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:46,240
It's a simple act like someone's coming behind you and just.

733
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:51,000
Holding the door open, that simple, let somebody else walk out first.

734
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:54,440
I take pride in like not walking past trash on the ground.

735
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:56,880
There's just these little things that like.

736
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,000
Not everybody does it, and that's part of the reason.

737
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:03,160
And it goes back to.

738
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,240
I like to do it because other people don't.

739
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,000
World would be a lot better place and more people worked in the dark.

740
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:11,800
You know what I'm saying?

741
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:13,880
Like, I don't do things for a pat on my back.

742
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:16,040
I just do it because I want to be a good human.

743
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:16,640
You know what I'm saying?

744
00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:18,600
It makes me feel good picking up trash.

745
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:21,400
You know what I'm saying? It makes me feel good picking up trash on the ground.

746
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:23,880
Well, somebody else was a shit human, so I'm going to be a good human.

747
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,400
I'm trying to zero sum that out.

748
00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:28,520
You know what I'm saying? Like.

749
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:33,000
Well, speaking of that, I wanted the other half of the the question

750
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,680
when it came to when you were actually in combat,

751
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:39,840
is we never hear as well about the kindness and compassion

752
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:43,480
of the indigenous people of our men and women in uniform.

753
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:45,000
It's never really reported.

754
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:49,120
So what are some of the times that you remember that really kind of,

755
00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:52,640
you know, resonating you're you're over there, you know, protecting,

756
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:54,080
obviously, this EOD crew.

757
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:57,560
But talk to me about kindness and compassion that you witnessed.

758
00:50:58,520 --> 00:50:59,520
Man, you know.

759
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:05,400
I have a hard time remembering like there's been so much trauma,

760
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:08,960
like I have a hard time remembering a ton of stuff from the deployment period.

761
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:12,960
But. There were some.

762
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:16,040
There were these kids that would bring us.

763
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:21,120
Tea. Every day, and I can't remember the kind of tea,

764
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,320
but it was like warm, it was super sweet.

765
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:26,880
We got this like.

766
00:51:28,800 --> 00:51:32,960
Break for a little while, and they they put us on.

767
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:37,200
They took us off a mission for a little while and they and.

768
00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:41,120
I was on this tower and these kids would come up

769
00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:44,560
like every day and bring like tea to us at night.

770
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:49,360
Or it wasn't it was it was like before dark, like we go.

771
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:52,760
I don't I can't remember the exact shift, but like right before right

772
00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:57,800
before the sun would go down, these kids would come up and like bring us,

773
00:51:57,800 --> 00:51:58,800
bring us tea.

774
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:04,600
And. They would, you know, bullshit around with this,

775
00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:09,680
bring us DVDs and just kind of like cut up and play and play soccer like.

776
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,920
Throw the ball back and forth and stuff like that or whatever, you know.

777
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:18,440
And it's just really cool to see the innocence in in kids, but that as far as.

778
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:23,880
As far as out in the in the town, like when we went on mission,

779
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:29,560
I didn't have a whole ton of like intimate engagement with people because this

780
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,000
when we leave.

781
00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:34,200
Like nobody can come near us.

782
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:36,120
You know what I'm saying?

783
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:41,120
Like you have to keep this like cord or cord on everything.

784
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:46,960
Blocked off and keep people far away because of because of the danger zone

785
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:47,960
and stuff like that.

786
00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:54,640
So I didn't get a ton of like super intimate engagements and not with not with live people.

787
00:52:57,000 --> 00:53:01,360
But as far as like those situations with the kids, the kids were were fun to

788
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,760
engage with and and have a good time with.

789
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:06,360
You know, beautiful.

790
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:10,760
I've heard so many different stories and, you know, everyone's, you know, is obviously

791
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:13,000
it might be some of the people they work with.

792
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:17,000
It might be the the military veterinary surgeons that are treating local animals.

793
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:20,760
But this is something that we need to hear the human beings that we send over

794
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:25,520
there in a uniform, you know, some some horrors, but also some some beautiful

795
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:29,160
moments as well. And it might be as simple as just interacting with children over

796
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:30,760
a chai tea or whatever it is.

797
00:53:30,760 --> 00:53:34,280
Yeah, the interpreters were super, super cool.

798
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:39,760
You know, I mean, whenever they're obviously they're trying to do good for their country.

799
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:44,360
And I mean, even like they were so good, like they would bring us and that was OK.

800
00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:45,760
So I did have.

801
00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:47,320
Pretty decent.

802
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:50,080
And I mean, as far as like through interpreters and stuff like that or whatever,

803
00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,200
like they would bring us bread and stuff like that.

804
00:53:52,200 --> 00:53:56,040
And that was that was super cool.

805
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:57,040
And then.

806
00:53:57,040 --> 00:54:00,480
Like share, share different foods with us and stuff like that or whatever.

807
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:06,280
I mean, hell, they could have poisoned me for, you know, like they'd bring food

808
00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:08,960
and it's like, you know, oh, all right, let's dig in.

809
00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:12,040
You know what I'm saying? Like you just trusted them, you know, based on like

810
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:17,680
these guys are going with you or they're around you and they're willing to give

811
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:21,360
their life for you. So you just, you know, you trust them, you know, even like with

812
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:22,360
the coalition.

813
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:25,880
Well, you kind of touched on your transition story already, you know, you

814
00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:29,360
you come from this kind of fractured home initially, you find yourself in the

815
00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:33,640
military with a tribe, with a purpose, losing some of your friends that you grew

816
00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:38,960
up with. You come out the other end and like so many people, a lot of the things

817
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:40,880
that were healing are now taken away again.

818
00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:45,640
I think that's why if we don't focus on early life and the mental health of our

819
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:48,920
responders and military personnel, we're not going to be able to do that.

820
00:54:48,920 --> 00:54:53,640
So if we don't focus on early life and the mental health of our responders and

821
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,600
military, we're missing a big part of the conversation.

822
00:54:57,560 --> 00:55:01,800
You talked about addiction, you talked about homelessness and incarceration,

823
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:06,280
and obviously listening to your story, it's been a kind of roller coaster ride

824
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:10,240
of successes and falling off the wagon and then getting back on again.

825
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:17,000
So as you kind of pan out this track, what were the things that worked?

826
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:20,280
What were the moments that led to the self-sabotage at times?

827
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:31,000
The things that led to the self-sabotage in every situation always had something

828
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:34,120
to do with substances and a victim mentality.

829
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:39,880
Anytime that I started to feel sorry for myself, anytime that like my language

830
00:55:39,880 --> 00:55:49,720
is not good enough, I can't or like these things or failing at goals and stuff

831
00:55:49,720 --> 00:55:54,600
like that and then identifying myself and then go, oh, if I get this, then I'm

832
00:55:54,600 --> 00:55:58,600
going to be this or if I get that, then I can do that or whatever.

833
00:55:59,640 --> 00:56:04,600
And forgetting that goals are just benchmarks.

834
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:07,320
You either hit them or you don't.

835
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,920
You know what I'm saying?

836
00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:13,000
It's just a piece to it's just a part of the piece.

837
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:13,800
It's just a step.

838
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:14,840
It's just a stepping stone.

839
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:18,840
It's like every it's like, oh, I'm going to get this goal and then like, what next?

840
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:21,800
Well, it's just a benchmark.

841
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:24,360
It's already you're already on in the next.

842
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:25,240
I'll celebrate that.

843
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:32,360
And so it would start with like,

844
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:39,160
if I would not hold the discipline, not hold the line, would just maybe be taking

845
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:43,800
a shot of tequila or be like, oh, I'm just going to have one drink at lunch.

846
00:56:45,800 --> 00:56:47,560
And then I started to feel like a failure.

847
00:56:48,360 --> 00:56:52,200
I sort of feel like I was not, you know, staying on the path.

848
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,520
Like you can't beat a sober mind.

849
00:56:56,520 --> 00:57:02,120
Like I just I find that for myself, I feel like I'm not going to be able to

850
00:57:02,120 --> 00:57:03,160
me.

851
00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:05,720
When I stay away from substances, I'm my best person.

852
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:11,080
You know, like if if you're drinking, even if it's like, OK, like

853
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:13,240
I think about this.

854
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:19,000
Whenever somebody says, I've had a crazy day, I've had a hectic day.

855
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:23,000
I'm going to go have a cocktail.

856
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:25,160
What are you running from?

857
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:29,000
Be glad that you made it through a crazy day.

858
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:29,880
You just got better.

859
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:30,760
You just got stronger.

860
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:31,560
You just learned something.

861
00:57:31,560 --> 00:57:34,720
And you just maybe you expanded your capacity for what you're capable of.

862
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:37,920
Now you can get some rest because once you consume that cocktail,

863
00:57:38,120 --> 00:57:41,480
you're about to you're just you're jacking with your sleep.

864
00:57:43,020 --> 00:57:46,860
Your heart rate, your blood pressure, you're going to affect your recovery.

865
00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:51,220
You don't get, you know, like,

866
00:57:51,220 --> 00:57:55,360
oh, there's just no benefits to drinking.

867
00:57:56,160 --> 00:57:58,460
There's no benefit to substances.

868
00:57:58,460 --> 00:58:01,220
They don't make you better and they just make you worse.

869
00:58:01,220 --> 00:58:04,720
And so that was one of the things that like I've really started to.

870
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:10,560
Realize and then like through working programs and stuff like that,

871
00:58:11,180 --> 00:58:14,260
like no matter what, I'm not going to use.

872
00:58:14,260 --> 00:58:17,220
No matter what, I'm not going to pick up for the simple fact of like,

873
00:58:17,220 --> 00:58:19,560
it's not going to solve anything.

874
00:58:19,560 --> 00:58:25,060
If anything, it's only going to cloud my judgment and and and hinder.

875
00:58:25,060 --> 00:58:29,920
My opportunity to get better.

876
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:35,120
Things that worked for me were.

877
00:58:36,560 --> 00:58:40,660
Community showing up to events, being selfless.

878
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:45,320
And so like.

879
00:58:46,820 --> 00:58:49,360
When you embrace the task at hand

880
00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:53,060
and like anything and you don't run from it and you face it

881
00:58:53,060 --> 00:58:56,600
and you go through it, you become better, you become, you know,

882
00:58:56,600 --> 00:58:59,260
smarter, stronger and better because of it.

883
00:59:01,420 --> 00:59:04,660
And then sharing the knowledge that you get

884
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:09,220
from that with other people.

885
00:59:09,220 --> 00:59:12,660
When I first started sharing my story.

886
00:59:12,660 --> 00:59:16,020
Or like just things that I was going through, it was so selfish.

887
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:18,120
I didn't know what the hell I was doing, actually.

888
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:22,120
I initially like I knew that I wanted to do better in life.

889
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:27,620
And I felt like I didn't want to be like, I'm not going into politics, but.

890
00:59:29,020 --> 00:59:30,720
I didn't want to be like one of these politicians

891
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:32,760
that had all these like skeletons in their closet.

892
00:59:33,260 --> 00:59:36,180
Like if I started to do good, I didn't want people to be like, oh, yeah,

893
00:59:36,180 --> 00:59:39,560
but he's a fucking junkie and he's a drug dealer and he's like this.

894
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:41,260
And he's like, you know.

895
00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:43,280
You know, whatever.

896
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:46,660
And so I initially started sharing my story.

897
00:59:46,660 --> 00:59:48,660
I initially started sharing these things.

898
00:59:51,020 --> 00:59:53,420
To to admit my faults first.

899
00:59:54,720 --> 00:59:57,680
Although it is like, so that's another thing

900
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:00,160
that's like really helped me is being able to.

901
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:03,380
Be self aware.

902
01:00:03,380 --> 01:00:05,880
Be aware of my surroundings, be aware of my mindset,

903
01:00:05,920 --> 01:00:07,920
be aware of like what's going on.

904
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:09,460
And I had no idea what I was doing.

905
01:00:09,460 --> 01:00:10,660
I just knew that I wanted to be better.

906
01:00:10,660 --> 01:00:13,180
And then by sharing this, I was just trying all I was doing

907
01:00:13,180 --> 01:00:15,360
was trying to rob people of the opportunity to hurt me.

908
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,560
Because throughout my life, people have taken things that have happened

909
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:20,480
and thrown them in my face.

910
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:23,480
To like try and bring me down, right?

911
01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:26,580
Some, you know, whenever you go and you're the first to admit

912
01:00:26,980 --> 01:00:31,820
that you're in the wrong or at fault, the quicker that you can come to a solution.

913
01:00:33,180 --> 01:00:35,680
So that's a major part of like, you know, that's

914
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:38,180
that has to do with keeping your ego in check.

915
01:00:38,180 --> 01:00:43,180
And so that's a major, that's a major thing for me is keeping,

916
01:00:43,180 --> 01:00:46,680
keeping that ego in check and being able to go first and say, hey, man.

917
01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:51,180
I'm a little jacked up right now or I was wrong about this.

918
01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:54,180
And I'm wrong a lot.

919
01:00:54,180 --> 01:00:56,980
I don't like to I don't like to be wrong, but I'm wrong.

920
01:00:56,980 --> 01:00:57,980
I'm wrong quite often.

921
01:00:57,980 --> 01:00:59,980
I make a ton of mistakes.

922
01:01:00,980 --> 01:01:02,480
You cannot fear failure.

923
01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:03,480
It's going to happen.

924
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:04,480
It's going to happen.

925
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:05,480
It's going to happen.

926
01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:06,480
It's going to happen.

927
01:01:06,480 --> 01:01:08,680
You cannot fear failure. It's going to happen.

928
01:01:08,680 --> 01:01:11,080
We're going to fail way more than we succeed.

929
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:14,780
But the lessons from that and then taking those lessons, taking those failures,

930
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:18,980
even if you don't know what the lesson from the failure is, being able to expose

931
01:01:18,980 --> 01:01:20,080
it and shine light on it.

932
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:24,980
When you put light on dark, like it, it makes it go away.

933
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:26,680
I don't want to say it makes it go away, but you can.

934
01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:28,880
That's how you find another perspective.

935
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:32,340
That's how you find the power in it, find the knowledge in it and everything else.

936
01:01:32,340 --> 01:01:39,740
When you were going through addiction, you know, incarceration, even homelessness.

937
01:01:41,340 --> 01:01:45,940
What were the barriers to you getting back on track?

938
01:01:45,940 --> 01:01:51,340
And the reason I ask this, for example, drug prohibition has driven addicts

939
01:01:51,340 --> 01:01:52,340
into the shadows.

940
01:01:52,340 --> 01:01:56,540
It's empowered criminals selling to people with addiction, you know,

941
01:01:56,540 --> 01:01:57,540
homelessness.

942
01:01:57,540 --> 01:02:01,340
A lot of times we're ushering people out of one jurisdiction into another

943
01:02:01,340 --> 01:02:06,340
So there's an absence of empathy at the moment, the way we look at a lot of these

944
01:02:06,340 --> 01:02:11,340
issues, which I think then just further drowns the people that are already drowning.

945
01:02:11,340 --> 01:02:13,140
It pushes them further into the water.

946
01:02:13,940 --> 01:02:17,340
What, if any, you know, challenges did you find?

947
01:02:17,340 --> 01:02:20,140
You know, I'm sure there must have been times where you wanted to get clean,

948
01:02:20,140 --> 01:02:22,940
want to get back on the straight and narrow, wanted to clear up, you know,

949
01:02:22,940 --> 01:02:26,940
your legal problems that you had.

950
01:02:26,940 --> 01:02:30,340
Were there any things with this lens that you have now that you're trying to

951
01:02:30,340 --> 01:02:36,340
clear up, you know, the lens that you have now looking back that if change

952
01:02:36,340 --> 01:02:40,340
would set people that were struggling out for success rather than spiraling

953
01:02:40,340 --> 01:02:41,340
downwards?

954
01:02:42,340 --> 01:02:46,740
One of the major things was like the incarcerations and the addiction and

955
01:02:46,740 --> 01:02:53,940
stuff like that were the second that I would get out and you have these

956
01:02:53,940 --> 01:02:55,140
court dates and stuff like that.

957
01:02:55,140 --> 01:02:56,140
You get scared.

958
01:02:56,140 --> 01:02:59,340
Once you go into the system, it's so hard to get out of it.

959
01:03:00,340 --> 01:03:00,940
You know what I'm saying?

960
01:03:00,940 --> 01:03:04,940
And then so it keeps you in a state of constantly.

961
01:03:10,140 --> 01:03:13,140
Keeping that vicious cycle alive, you know what I'm saying?

962
01:03:13,140 --> 01:03:17,540
Like you. The crazy part about it is like in.

963
01:03:18,940 --> 01:03:23,640
In all reality, only 25% of people ever break the mold of the system or

964
01:03:23,640 --> 01:03:24,940
addiction or whatever.

965
01:03:24,940 --> 01:03:29,540
You know what I'm saying? Like it's hard, but it's just as hard.

966
01:03:29,940 --> 01:03:30,940
It's a paradox.

967
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:34,040
It's just as hard to stay sober as it is.

968
01:03:35,740 --> 01:03:37,740
To not, you know, they both suck.

969
01:03:38,840 --> 01:03:40,940
I don't want to say they don't they don't both suck.

970
01:03:42,440 --> 01:03:43,040
It doesn't suck.

971
01:03:44,340 --> 01:03:46,840
But they're both hard like breaking addiction is hard.

972
01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:48,140
There's pain that comes with that.

973
01:03:48,140 --> 01:03:56,740
There's like the stagnant non growth in your mind that takes place.

974
01:03:56,740 --> 01:03:58,340
Like it's not developing.

975
01:03:58,340 --> 01:04:03,740
It's like causing harm to it and your organs and everything else your mindset.

976
01:04:09,740 --> 01:04:14,140
The barriers for like with the addiction was, you know.

977
01:04:15,740 --> 01:04:16,740
How am I going to be able to?

978
01:04:16,740 --> 01:04:19,440
Like I was I'm super introverted.

979
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:21,340
I don't really like being around like a ton of people

980
01:04:23,340 --> 01:04:27,440
and drugs were drugs and alcohol and stuff like that were my way to even

981
01:04:27,440 --> 01:04:29,240
even now, like if I go to listen to music.

982
01:04:32,040 --> 01:04:34,940
At a scene or something like I like want to hide in the corner

983
01:04:34,940 --> 01:04:37,640
because I don't want anybody to talk to me, not because I don't

984
01:04:37,640 --> 01:04:39,040
just like people.

985
01:04:39,040 --> 01:04:42,240
I just want to just go and just kind of like enjoy myself.

986
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:45,240
I don't typically go anywhere to socialize.

987
01:04:45,240 --> 01:04:48,940
I don't go anywhere just because I want to like have conversations.

988
01:04:48,940 --> 01:04:52,140
I want to go, you know, unless like I'm supposed to be meeting somebody

989
01:04:52,140 --> 01:04:55,640
there like I'm not going there because I want to like hang out with a group

990
01:04:55,640 --> 01:04:56,640
of people like that's not my thing.

991
01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:57,440
I don't like going out.

992
01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:01,140
I don't like, you know, like the only time I ever went out was

993
01:05:01,140 --> 01:05:05,040
whenever I was highly intoxicated shouldn't have been on the road

994
01:05:05,440 --> 01:05:08,440
and loaded on meth, you know, like

995
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:12,440
and even whenever I was selling drugs, I still didn't want to be around

996
01:05:12,440 --> 01:05:13,240
a ton of people.

997
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:15,440
More people you're around, the easier it is to get popped.

998
01:05:16,740 --> 01:05:18,740
I wanted to hide and.

999
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:28,040
Like also with that is, you know, like.

1000
01:05:31,640 --> 01:05:34,540
Things just don't feel the same, you know, like, you know,

1001
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:37,740
you have to go through a period of like that adjustment

1002
01:05:38,140 --> 01:05:40,140
and it's like, what is this adjustment going to be like?

1003
01:05:40,140 --> 01:05:44,340
Because I remember what how I felt before I started using drugs

1004
01:05:45,140 --> 01:05:47,140
and not the drug made me feel any better

1005
01:05:47,740 --> 01:05:52,140
because it's actually kind of miserable, especially after a while of doing them.

1006
01:05:52,140 --> 01:05:53,340
They don't carry the same high.

1007
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:55,140
It's not it's not fun.

1008
01:05:55,140 --> 01:05:56,340
It's not, you know.

1009
01:05:58,740 --> 01:06:02,440
Oftentimes the people around you are not not the best people all the time.

1010
01:06:02,440 --> 01:06:02,940
You know what I'm saying?

1011
01:06:02,940 --> 01:06:05,540
They're not and not that everybody's bad.

1012
01:06:05,640 --> 01:06:07,340
It's not that everybody's bad.

1013
01:06:07,340 --> 01:06:10,540
It's like what are going to be my who am I going to hang out with?

1014
01:06:11,540 --> 01:06:15,340
Like the close people that like the people that I had around me during that period.

1015
01:06:15,340 --> 01:06:17,340
I'm like, I'm not going to be able to hang out with them anymore.

1016
01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:21,340
Like, I'm not going to have any friends, you know, like at all.

1017
01:06:21,340 --> 01:06:22,940
And as anti social as I am.

1018
01:06:24,140 --> 01:06:27,140
The few people that I would hang out with, I wanted to be around,

1019
01:06:27,140 --> 01:06:27,940
you know what I'm saying?

1020
01:06:27,940 --> 01:06:31,340
Like and then when you have to start over like that's a little bit.

1021
01:06:31,540 --> 01:06:34,540
I don't want to say it's depressing, but like once but

1022
01:06:34,540 --> 01:06:38,740
I slowly but surely started to find some new people by getting uncomfortable.

1023
01:06:43,140 --> 01:06:45,740
And going places and doing things that would improve me.

1024
01:06:45,740 --> 01:06:48,940
Like I never would have done a run group or anything like that.

1025
01:06:48,940 --> 01:06:52,140
And you know, like I started to meet people around here,

1026
01:06:52,140 --> 01:06:56,340
but like that was how I started to kind of meet people in in Destin was like

1027
01:06:56,340 --> 01:06:58,940
I was going to a run group and I hate running.

1028
01:06:59,540 --> 01:07:02,340
People think that, you know, like, oh, you ran across, you know, like

1029
01:07:02,340 --> 01:07:04,540
you ran, you do all this running and stuff like that.

1030
01:07:04,540 --> 01:07:06,540
You love running. I'm like, I fucking despise running.

1031
01:07:06,540 --> 01:07:07,740
I hate running with a passion.

1032
01:07:07,740 --> 01:07:09,540
I have amputated muscles out of my leg.

1033
01:07:09,540 --> 01:07:10,740
I paralysis in my foot.

1034
01:07:10,740 --> 01:07:11,940
I have a rod in my left leg.

1035
01:07:11,940 --> 01:07:12,740
I don't like running.

1036
01:07:12,740 --> 01:07:14,140
Running is not fun for me.

1037
01:07:17,940 --> 01:07:22,740
But you know, when I was in my addiction.

1038
01:07:24,540 --> 01:07:28,140
And I was a fugitive and I would go and get drugs and I would sell drugs.

1039
01:07:28,140 --> 01:07:31,140
It was by any means necessary to do what I was doing.

1040
01:07:31,140 --> 01:07:34,340
It was necessary to do whatever it took to do this, to that,

1041
01:07:34,340 --> 01:07:36,140
to accomplish this mission, to whatever.

1042
01:07:38,940 --> 01:07:43,340
If I could invest so much into negativity and destroy in my life,

1043
01:07:43,340 --> 01:07:48,340
what would my life look like if I put that same energy into rebuilding it

1044
01:07:48,540 --> 01:07:52,740
and to rebuilding myself into rebuilding relationships into, you know,

1045
01:07:52,940 --> 01:07:54,340
investing in other people?

1046
01:07:54,540 --> 01:07:56,940
Who could I help? How many lives could I save?

1047
01:07:56,940 --> 01:07:59,340
Who like what good could I do?

1048
01:07:59,740 --> 01:08:04,340
Because I wasn't nobody's meant to live that way.

1049
01:08:04,340 --> 01:08:06,940
We weren't created to live like that.

1050
01:08:08,540 --> 01:08:12,740
And, you know, that's why I'm all the shit, all the chaos,

1051
01:08:12,740 --> 01:08:15,740
all the whatever that happens in life.

1052
01:08:16,740 --> 01:08:22,340
I find it's really hard, but I find gratitude in it

1053
01:08:22,340 --> 01:08:26,540
because in every terrible situation, there's so many positives that can come from it.

1054
01:08:29,140 --> 01:08:31,340
Love that. Beautiful.

1055
01:08:31,540 --> 01:08:36,540
Well, with that, I want to get to transcend specifically, but before we do,

1056
01:08:37,540 --> 01:08:39,540
where are we finding you now mentally?

1057
01:08:39,540 --> 01:08:41,340
Because you mentioned about sobriety.

1058
01:08:41,340 --> 01:08:43,740
So what has changed in 2024?

1059
01:08:43,740 --> 01:08:48,940
I mean, you've gone through this incredible journey from childhood trauma to combat to,

1060
01:08:48,940 --> 01:08:53,140
you know, this this this battle with addiction and all the things that come with it.

1061
01:08:53,340 --> 01:08:54,540
Where are you now?

1062
01:08:54,540 --> 01:08:57,540
And, you know, and what is what is maintaining that today?

1063
01:08:58,340 --> 01:09:01,540
OK, so the last time that I used

1064
01:09:03,340 --> 01:09:05,340
tomorrow is my three month

1065
01:09:07,140 --> 01:09:11,740
clean from drugs and whatever you want to call it date.

1066
01:09:11,940 --> 01:09:13,740
And I don't really focus on dates too much.

1067
01:09:13,740 --> 01:09:16,740
Like I'm not going to AA or in a or time or whatever.

1068
01:09:16,740 --> 01:09:18,940
I just have created.

1069
01:09:19,140 --> 01:09:20,740
I not alone.

1070
01:09:20,940 --> 01:09:23,940
When I say I, it's more like, honestly, it's we

1071
01:09:24,140 --> 01:09:28,340
because it's like the people around me, you know, my fiance, stuff like that.

1072
01:09:28,540 --> 01:09:34,540
Like we friggin it's it's it's accumulation of like purpose and like love and,

1073
01:09:34,740 --> 01:09:40,140
you know, feeling wanted and needed and created purpose in our in life.

1074
01:09:40,140 --> 01:09:42,340
You know what I'm saying? And direction, having a direction.

1075
01:09:42,340 --> 01:09:46,540
So December the eighth was the last time that I use.

1076
01:09:47,140 --> 01:09:50,140
And January the 11th was the last time that I drank.

1077
01:09:50,340 --> 01:09:52,540
Even after I use, I was still drinking and stuff like that.

1078
01:09:52,740 --> 01:09:55,940
And it had been quite a it had been a long time

1079
01:09:56,140 --> 01:09:59,340
as I really like struggled with with alcohol

1080
01:10:00,140 --> 01:10:04,340
and towards a point where I was like, I don't really have an alcohol problem anymore.

1081
01:10:04,740 --> 01:10:10,140
And then it started to like I couldn't do anything without like wanting to drink.

1082
01:10:10,140 --> 01:10:14,340
It would get to like I'd buy a bottle of tequila and it was like, oh, well,

1083
01:10:14,540 --> 01:10:16,940
I have it. I'm going to take a shot this morning.

1084
01:10:17,140 --> 01:10:20,540
Why not? You know, and it'd be like, oh, well, I'm about to go do this.

1085
01:10:20,740 --> 01:10:22,340
Let me just pop take a couple of shots.

1086
01:10:22,540 --> 01:10:26,740
And then next thing I knew, I wanted to go and like sit at.

1087
01:10:27,340 --> 01:10:31,540
A restaurant or a bar or whatever and then have drinks.

1088
01:10:31,740 --> 01:10:33,540
And I don't even like being at bars.

1089
01:10:33,740 --> 01:10:37,740
Like I would find a spot in a corner and it would go like sit and drink.

1090
01:10:37,740 --> 01:10:40,140
By myself. That's terrible. Like.

1091
01:10:44,140 --> 01:10:52,540
And it's interesting that January 11th is also the day

1092
01:10:52,740 --> 01:10:54,340
that was the last day that I drank.

1093
01:10:54,540 --> 01:10:59,140
And I was the day that Cody got me set up on the walking in truth ministries.

1094
01:11:00,540 --> 01:11:03,140
And he told me, he said.

1095
01:11:04,140 --> 01:11:06,540
He said, brother, he said, you know, I'm going to go to the bar.

1096
01:11:06,540 --> 01:11:11,740
He said, brother, he said, and I'm I don't know if he could tell.

1097
01:11:11,940 --> 01:11:14,740
Probably I might have been slurring my words a little bit.

1098
01:11:14,940 --> 01:11:18,940
Hopefully I wasn't because that's extremely embarrassing.

1099
01:11:19,140 --> 01:11:20,540
Look like an idiot.

1100
01:11:20,740 --> 01:11:24,940
But I have so much respect for that dude.

1101
01:11:25,140 --> 01:11:26,940
Like he's.

1102
01:11:27,140 --> 01:11:30,140
I have so much love and respect for Cody.

1103
01:11:30,140 --> 01:11:38,940
We do this like he said, dude, if you struggle, he said, if you even think,

1104
01:11:39,140 --> 01:11:41,340
he said, if you think about drinking again, call me.

1105
01:11:41,540 --> 01:11:43,340
I don't care what time it is.

1106
01:11:44,340 --> 01:11:45,740
And.

1107
01:11:46,740 --> 01:11:48,740
I was like, there's no fucking way I'm

1108
01:11:48,940 --> 01:11:53,540
going to let this dude down, you know, I'm saying like, not because I did.

1109
01:11:53,740 --> 01:11:57,340
Like, you know, you give me the.

1110
01:11:57,340 --> 01:12:01,340
The access, you know, like I want to be there for you, but it's like.

1111
01:12:01,540 --> 01:12:07,140
I want to I would rather make you proud that I didn't have to do that.

1112
01:12:07,340 --> 01:12:08,940
You know what I'm saying?

1113
01:12:09,140 --> 01:12:12,140
Even though that you're willing to go to the distance and meet me there.

1114
01:12:12,340 --> 01:12:16,140
And then that was also the day I started talking to.

1115
01:12:16,340 --> 01:12:19,740
My fiance as well.

1116
01:12:19,940 --> 01:12:26,340
And and bro freaking just like dove in headfirst.

1117
01:12:26,340 --> 01:12:28,540
She's powerful.

1118
01:12:28,740 --> 01:12:33,940
She's such a powerful woman, loving, kind and grateful for it.

1119
01:12:34,140 --> 01:12:40,140
But there were some major pivotal things that day.

1120
01:12:40,340 --> 01:12:46,940
But like my headspace is from that point when I quit drinking.

1121
01:12:47,940 --> 01:12:51,340
It's it's like everything started to change.

1122
01:12:51,540 --> 01:12:52,740
Things started to become more clear.

1123
01:12:52,940 --> 01:12:54,740
Things started to become, you know,

1124
01:12:54,740 --> 01:12:57,540
like my consistency with the gym was picking up.

1125
01:12:57,740 --> 01:12:58,940
My headspace was getting better.

1126
01:12:59,140 --> 01:13:04,340
Everything started to just feel better by letting and in knowing and having a plan

1127
01:13:04,540 --> 01:13:07,340
going forward that things were getting better, you know.

1128
01:13:07,540 --> 01:13:08,340
Brilliant.

1129
01:13:08,540 --> 01:13:12,940
Well, from the physiological point of view, then you mentioned about Transcend

1130
01:13:13,140 --> 01:13:18,540
Foundation, Transcend, amazing company for supplementation, hormone replacement, etc.

1131
01:13:18,740 --> 01:13:22,740
And then the foundation, Brendan and those guys are doing incredible things

1132
01:13:22,740 --> 01:13:26,540
through the altruistic arm helping military and first responders.

1133
01:13:26,740 --> 01:13:33,940
So talk to me about your experience and which of the supplements have been helping you.

1134
01:13:34,140 --> 01:13:41,340
So some of the supplements that I use are obviously, I want to say,

1135
01:13:41,540 --> 01:13:44,340
my test levels were super low.

1136
01:13:44,540 --> 01:13:51,340
I think before, after the run, I've been with them for a couple of years,

1137
01:13:51,340 --> 01:13:54,140
but I got really inconsistent during the run.

1138
01:13:54,340 --> 01:13:55,740
I just like was running out of time.

1139
01:13:55,940 --> 01:13:56,940
And like I just did.

1140
01:13:57,140 --> 01:13:58,940
I was so tired and exhausted.

1141
01:13:59,140 --> 01:14:01,940
It was like wanting to stick myself and whatever.

1142
01:14:02,140 --> 01:14:05,140
It was like I had the compounds, Transcend, it supported me.

1143
01:14:05,340 --> 01:14:06,140
They sent me all these things.

1144
01:14:06,340 --> 01:14:07,940
And then like.

1145
01:14:09,540 --> 01:14:13,340
It was at a time where I was like really falling apart.

1146
01:14:13,340 --> 01:14:21,140
And then I was running for 16 to 18 hours a day and then having to drive the tour bus,

1147
01:14:21,340 --> 01:14:23,540
break it down, set it up, whatever.

1148
01:14:23,740 --> 01:14:25,340
I was like getting two hours of sleep.

1149
01:14:25,540 --> 01:14:29,340
I was like the last thing I want to do is sit there and draw up compounds and then

1150
01:14:29,540 --> 01:14:30,740
stick myself.

1151
01:14:30,940 --> 01:14:36,340
So the compounds that since I've gotten back on track with my consistency,

1152
01:14:36,540 --> 01:14:38,940
done my blood work.

1153
01:14:38,940 --> 01:14:46,540
Tessa Morland has helped me a lot and get better sleep,

1154
01:14:47,140 --> 01:14:50,540
better recovery by getting better sleep.

1155
01:14:50,740 --> 01:14:54,540
The testosterone has made me feel a lot better.

1156
01:14:54,740 --> 01:15:01,540
And then I also use Oxandrolone and then IGF-1, LR-3 and BPC-157.

1157
01:15:01,740 --> 01:15:08,340
And that combination together helps me with like my recovery.

1158
01:15:08,340 --> 01:15:12,140
It helps me recover faster, sleep better.

1159
01:15:12,340 --> 01:15:16,940
And my mental health has like drastically, drastically improved.

1160
01:15:17,140 --> 01:15:18,140
I put on some more weight.

1161
01:15:18,340 --> 01:15:22,740
I've gotten leaner and it's helped a lot.

1162
01:15:22,940 --> 01:15:26,940
And I'm reducing the alcohol out of my system and stuff like that has also helped

1163
01:15:27,140 --> 01:15:30,340
get a lot leaner. Like I wasn't obese or anything like that.

1164
01:15:30,540 --> 01:15:36,140
But these compounds have completely changed the way that I feel.

1165
01:15:36,140 --> 01:15:40,340
So this is what's so important in this whole conversation.

1166
01:15:40,540 --> 01:15:44,540
Let's say mental health, the health conversation is, you've got exercise,

1167
01:15:44,740 --> 01:15:46,140
you've got nutrition, you've got sleep.

1168
01:15:46,340 --> 01:15:52,540
But if you are a firefighter that's worked 15, 20 years, 56 hours a week,

1169
01:15:52,740 --> 01:15:55,940
getting absolutely murdered for 24 hours straight,

1170
01:15:56,140 --> 01:15:58,340
your hormones are going to be depleted.

1171
01:15:58,540 --> 01:16:03,740
If you are a combat veteran or a SWAT operative that is exposed to multiple

1172
01:16:03,740 --> 01:16:07,140
blasts and you have TBIs or micro concussions,

1173
01:16:07,340 --> 01:16:09,940
there may be an element that your testosterone is lower.

1174
01:16:10,140 --> 01:16:14,940
And this is what I love about Transcend is if you just need a little boost,

1175
01:16:15,140 --> 01:16:16,940
they have gentle supplements for that.

1176
01:16:17,140 --> 01:16:20,540
If you need full on TRT, then they have the ability to do that.

1177
01:16:20,740 --> 01:16:22,940
But they have such a spectrum.

1178
01:16:23,140 --> 01:16:23,940
And I was very lucky.

1179
01:16:24,140 --> 01:16:27,740
Like naturally, I'm about to turn 50 and my blood work was actually pretty good.

1180
01:16:27,940 --> 01:16:31,140
So I just took a little boost from some peptides.

1181
01:16:31,140 --> 01:16:34,540
That was it to help my body make its own because 14 years on shift.

1182
01:16:34,740 --> 01:16:36,740
I know that's a deficit.

1183
01:16:36,940 --> 01:16:40,540
But if you're not putting your physiology straight,

1184
01:16:40,740 --> 01:16:44,740
that can help you know, that can then cause you to sleep worse.

1185
01:16:44,940 --> 01:16:47,540
As you said, lean into alcohol and some of these other areas.

1186
01:16:47,740 --> 01:16:49,740
So this is another piece of the puzzle.

1187
01:16:49,940 --> 01:16:54,540
I think this is really exciting that there are these these tools that you can add

1188
01:16:54,740 --> 01:16:58,340
into other things that you're already doing well to get your physiology back to

1189
01:16:58,340 --> 01:17:03,340
the way it is, which then in turn will then help you, as you said, exercise more,

1190
01:17:03,540 --> 01:17:05,740
sleep better, love harder.

1191
01:17:05,940 --> 01:17:09,940
I mean, all the things that are nurturing for a human being.

1192
01:17:10,140 --> 01:17:12,940
And also,

1193
01:17:13,140 --> 01:17:18,740
even to go outside of the service work industry,

1194
01:17:18,940 --> 01:17:25,340
service work industry, service work friggin with addiction.

1195
01:17:25,340 --> 01:17:31,540
And I spent 13 years staying up night as a multiple days.

1196
01:17:31,740 --> 01:17:35,540
I mean, there was times where I stayed up like 11 days.

1197
01:17:35,740 --> 01:17:37,740
And

1198
01:17:37,940 --> 01:17:40,540
that puts extreme tax on your body.

1199
01:17:40,740 --> 01:17:44,940
So even people with addiction, there's peptides to help

1200
01:17:45,140 --> 01:17:48,940
combat addiction as well or help trying

1201
01:17:49,140 --> 01:17:50,940
break some of those chains with that as well.

1202
01:17:50,940 --> 01:17:55,940
So it's a wide variety of things to look into research.

1203
01:17:56,140 --> 01:18:03,140
Do you research always the research, but great company to work with by by any means.

1204
01:18:03,340 --> 01:18:08,540
There's so many people that I have that reach out to me

1205
01:18:08,740 --> 01:18:14,140
and they'll go and get blood work done with a primary care provider.

1206
01:18:14,340 --> 01:18:17,340
And I'm like, they'll say that they're in range.

1207
01:18:17,540 --> 01:18:19,940
And I'm like, what's in range?

1208
01:18:19,940 --> 01:18:22,940
And they'll tell me that they like

1209
01:18:23,140 --> 01:18:24,940
300 or 400.

1210
01:18:25,140 --> 01:18:27,540
And I'm like, you're not in range.

1211
01:18:27,740 --> 01:18:33,140
You're like in the what's acceptable, but you're not optimal.

1212
01:18:33,340 --> 01:18:35,740
And that's the thing is that if you're

1213
01:18:35,940 --> 01:18:40,940
with a provider and your levels, you test the oxygen levels or in that,

1214
01:18:41,140 --> 01:18:43,540
if they're less than 800,

1215
01:18:43,740 --> 01:18:46,140
you need to be seeking somebody that's going to put you above that.

1216
01:18:46,140 --> 01:18:50,340
You know, like that's my that's my perspective on it.

1217
01:18:50,540 --> 01:18:53,220
I'm saying, like, you know, optimal is somewhere.

1218
01:18:53,420 --> 01:18:55,540
And if you feel great, then great.

1219
01:18:55,740 --> 01:18:57,140
But like.

1220
01:18:57,420 --> 01:19:01,540
If you're struggling with weight loss and you're, you know, you're tired and,

1221
01:19:01,740 --> 01:19:03,540
you know, things,

1222
01:19:04,100 --> 01:19:06,540
your sex drive is down or whatever,

1223
01:19:06,740 --> 01:19:09,100
and you can't figure out why.

1224
01:19:09,300 --> 01:19:11,140
And those are where your levels are at.

1225
01:19:11,340 --> 01:19:14,580
I look into that, raise that, raise that up, you know.

1226
01:19:14,580 --> 01:19:21,300
Well, that spectrum from I think, what is it, 250 or 150 up to 9, 950 that the

1227
01:19:21,500 --> 01:19:26,220
doctors had, I had Kirk Posse, a Navy SEAL term physician on the show.

1228
01:19:26,420 --> 01:19:30,540
And he explained that that range was created in a town near one of the Ivy

1229
01:19:30,740 --> 01:19:36,700
League schools and the nine nine fifty is the high school football player.

1230
01:19:36,900 --> 01:19:41,740
And one fifty or whatever is is the sedentary old man, 80 year old.

1231
01:19:41,740 --> 01:19:51,260
So when you tell a 28, 30 year old firefighter or EOD specialist that 400 is fine,

1232
01:19:51,460 --> 01:19:56,660
it's not because you're arguably probably pretty physical in that profession already.

1233
01:19:56,660 --> 01:20:00,460
And you should, as you said, be in the upper range of that doesn't need to be

1234
01:20:00,660 --> 01:20:03,740
in the thousands, maybe for you, but certainly at 30 years old,

1235
01:20:03,740 --> 01:20:05,780
you don't need to be 400 or 300.

1236
01:20:05,980 --> 01:20:08,500
So I think understanding that the origin

1237
01:20:08,500 --> 01:20:13,180
of that scale helps reframe people and get a more,

1238
01:20:13,380 --> 01:20:20,020
you know, well trained perspective of where where people comparable to them would be.

1239
01:20:20,020 --> 01:20:21,020
Everyone is different.

1240
01:20:21,220 --> 01:20:23,940
But if you're a 30 year old tactical athlete,

1241
01:20:24,140 --> 01:20:28,100
chances are, as you said, you need to be in the 800s, not the 300s.

1242
01:20:28,300 --> 01:20:29,300
That's correct.

1243
01:20:29,500 --> 01:20:30,740
Especially if you want to perform.

1244
01:20:30,940 --> 01:20:32,420
Yeah, absolutely.

1245
01:20:32,620 --> 01:20:33,780
I agree with that.

1246
01:20:33,980 --> 01:20:36,660
Brilliant. Well, Jeff, I want to say thank you so much.

1247
01:20:36,660 --> 01:20:38,100
It's been an incredible conversation.

1248
01:20:38,100 --> 01:20:44,940
For people listening, where are the best places to follow you or reach out to you online?

1249
01:20:45,140 --> 01:20:47,860
So Instagram

1250
01:20:48,060 --> 01:20:54,820
at Jeff Spire, that's GEOFF SP EY RER.

1251
01:20:55,020 --> 01:20:57,060
I respond to everything on Instagram.

1252
01:20:57,260 --> 01:21:01,660
I do mental toughness coaching with expansion consultants.

1253
01:21:01,860 --> 01:21:05,500
We have our first event coming up April 11th through 13th.

1254
01:21:05,500 --> 01:21:12,660
You can go to expansion that's expansion with an X P A N S I O N dot com.

1255
01:21:12,860 --> 01:21:16,260
And I'm one of the mental toughness coaches with that.

1256
01:21:16,460 --> 01:21:22,700
And that's for like elite level or going to an elite level in business

1257
01:21:22,900 --> 01:21:27,300
and growth mindset, relationships and stuff like that.

1258
01:21:28,260 --> 01:21:30,380
And then on Facebook,

1259
01:21:30,380 --> 01:21:35,580
my name is exactly the same as it is on on the Instagram.

1260
01:21:35,780 --> 01:21:36,780
It's just Jeff Spire.

1261
01:21:36,980 --> 01:21:41,540
And then also on YouTube, I'm on YouTube as well.

1262
01:21:41,540 --> 01:21:44,060
I'm going to be working on putting some more content out with that.

1263
01:21:44,260 --> 01:21:47,060
I just recently got my little podcast studio set back up.

1264
01:21:47,260 --> 01:21:49,580
So I'm going to be putting out more content on there.

1265
01:21:49,580 --> 01:21:51,620
So you can follow me there to subscribe to that.

1266
01:21:51,820 --> 01:21:52,820
Check it out.

1267
01:21:53,740 --> 01:21:55,700
Beautiful. Well, I want to thank you so much.

1268
01:21:55,700 --> 01:21:57,180
It's been an incredible conversation.

1269
01:21:57,380 --> 01:21:58,980
We've gone all over the place.

1270
01:21:58,980 --> 01:22:04,700
And the newness of the struggle, I think, is powerful as well.

1271
01:22:04,700 --> 01:22:06,380
It's not like, yeah, 20 years ago,

1272
01:22:06,580 --> 01:22:10,900
I got sober and I've been ultra marathying ever since, which a lot of people have.

1273
01:22:11,100 --> 01:22:12,140
And kudos to them.

1274
01:22:12,340 --> 01:22:15,180
But the fact that this roller coaster ride

1275
01:22:15,380 --> 01:22:18,980
that you've been on took you up to arguably three months ago,

1276
01:22:19,180 --> 01:22:20,940
I think it's a really powerful perspective.

1277
01:22:20,940 --> 01:22:23,700
But hearing all the tools that you talked about that worked,

1278
01:22:23,900 --> 01:22:27,620
all the things that led to the self sabotage that every single one of us

1279
01:22:27,620 --> 01:22:30,020
suffers from in some way, shape or form.

1280
01:22:30,220 --> 01:22:32,780
It was a very, very important conversation.

1281
01:22:32,780 --> 01:22:34,340
So I want to thank you so much for being

1282
01:22:34,340 --> 01:22:37,420
so generous with your time and coming on the podcast today.

1283
01:22:37,620 --> 01:22:38,300
Thank you, brother.

1284
01:22:38,500 --> 01:22:41,700
People forget that life is not a steady.

1285
01:22:41,900 --> 01:22:46,300
Climb, you know, it's the hills, the valleys, the lows, the ups, the downs.

1286
01:22:46,500 --> 01:22:52,620
And that's my goal is like in totality is to be useful and of service and to show

1287
01:22:52,620 --> 01:22:56,060
people it doesn't matter where you're at, it doesn't matter what part of your journey

1288
01:22:56,060 --> 01:22:57,540
you're in.

1289
01:22:58,620 --> 01:23:03,660
There's hope and it all starts with taking that first step.

1290
01:23:03,860 --> 01:23:08,460
It's hard to take the first step, and it's also hard to stay stuck.

1291
01:23:08,460 --> 01:23:27,460
Choose your heart.