That's always who Tom Segura's been. He's telling
you if I got bumped up, one of his main jokes,
if I get bumped up to first class and even though
I didn't pay for it, you try to come up there,
I'm gonna put my hand on your chest. He was saying
that when he was broke. So I can't imagine what
you thought he was gonna be. He's exactly who
he said he's gonna be. Welcome to Clown College,
we have profound knowledge In many ways to elevate
and make you sound polished So if you want to,
hear a little honest A few takes on the ways
to make it as a comic Then stick around for a
while if you're down to clown We got the guests
right now just to show you how Let's all go to
Clown College, baby It's with Brandon, Vanessa,
Don, and JJ Let's all go to Clown College, baby
It's with Brandon Willis, Scott and JJ. It feels
safer. Yeah. No, he said it happened, but he
was like, what Pat doing here? I don't know what
the fuck the nigga, what you doing here nigga?
It's like we do a whole text. It'd be like that.
I mean, you know, cause we never know. We never
know when you're going to show up. You can show
up like out of nowhere too. So it's always. That's
my fault because I watch a lot of TV series and
you know. We watch a lot of TV series, always
that random motherfucker that always pops up
at the house. You gotta make an entrance. Your
black Kramer. Don't call me Kramer. Why? Because
I ain't never watched Seinfeld. I thought he
was gonna say - That's who you are. That's what
you're describing. I never said the N -word on
stage like that. It can kinda sound like, it
almost sound like, nigga, hell, you're Kramer.
Hell yeah, we're back at it. Another week down.
Another week in the comedy scene. Let's go around
the room and each say what we did in the comedy
scene. Last week, not a goddamn thing. I don't
think I did anything. Yeah, well last week I
was at Chattanooga. Oh yeah, you headlined, yeah.
Headlined, it was good. How long did you do?
I did 11 minutes. 11 minutes and 30. Okay. Almost
12 minutes. How long you supposed to do? 12 minutes.
Then she gave me the lights, I was like, yeah,
it's about time to get off. Oh, perfect. You
hit him? Yes, I did. It was a good night. I had
fun. I have a question. As a headliner, when
it gave you the light, do you really give a fuck
about that light? I ain't never headlined, so
I'm asking the headliner. Well, it depends on
how long you're doing. Like, if you're a headliner
and you're doing an hour, it's pretty much whatever
you want to do. But you got to know, I don't
get why people try to go... way over when the
crowd's tired, especially if you had an opener
and a feature. Like, yeah, as a person who's
been in a comedy audience, we should know when
an audience is done. You could be the funniest
motherfucker if you were up there for two or
three hours. They're tired. But some people can
do it, though. Some people can do that and still
keep the crowd going and laughing. But most people
who do it are the people who think they can do
it, not the ones who know. Every one I've worked
for at the club went over. Besides James McCann,
he didn't. Ian, I don't think that. The white
ones didn't. I think. Who was that? We saw a
black fella. He was bigger. It wasn't Faison.
We weren't hosting her. No, you're talking about
Curry. Yes. Yeah, we saw him. DC. DC Curry. Yes.
Yeah. Okay. I think so. And he went over, too,
I think. But that was more they were in for it,
but even still, it is a long time. I ain't gonna
lie. Now DC could go over, I'm with it. I ain't
gonna fuck this shit. No, DC, DC. He old as shit
now, but he is still a monster. But the older
black comedians be the funnest one to me. I remember
when George Wallace had that little show for
a second, and I forgot the name of that motherfucker.
It only lasted one season. But I could tell he
didn't really have a script. He just said what
the fuck he always said. That shit be funny as
hell. Yeah, because they're not trying to prove
anything. I like that's why the old guys are
like the best like because they don't got shit
to prove. They ain't abiding by your fucking
rules. They have their list of clubs that they've
been going to for the last 25 years and they
ain't nobody putting them in no movies. So which
is crazy? Why wouldn't like if you were a young
director now? Why aren't you looking at these
like and fuck like I want to work with them Like
that's what I want to do in our level You gotta
you gotta be internet famous you gotta be internet.
Yeah to make it like well unless you already
grandfathered into it Like, you got the old,
you know, the old hairliners, a lot of people
don't know who they are, but they're still, like,
killers. Yeah, but they have the network established.
But that network is, I mean, like, these comedy
clubs aren't doing amazing, like, across the,
you know what I mean? Like, that's just from
what I understand. Like, I can't imagine their
fucking drowning in money. I will say, though,
I like working at the comedy club because...
They put comedians on stage that I probably would
never know if I wasn't doing my research. Oh,
for sure. Oh, yeah. Ours is that place, yeah.
Especially the Kill Tony people that come by.
They are funny? Oh, yeah. I like most of them.
Which one? The ones that come to the club, I
feel like. Oh, snap. Karen Patterson, he was
a good one. Oh, yeah. He's on SNL. That's crazy
that we got him. He's on SNL. Like, that's pretty
cool, like, that he's around here. Matter of
fact, it was a lady came here. Let me get my
phone. I don't want to say her name wrong. From
Kill Tony? Yeah, but she was open. Was she glasses?
Fiona Colley? Was she in the wheelchair? No,
no, it was a black lady. She was a she she she
lives off that she did kill Tony. But she was
very funny. She bigger with an afro. Now she
got like dreads. It might be the same person.
It might be. No, I don't know. They have it.
They have it. I don't think she's like a regular,
but she'd be on there a lot. I haven't watched
it in a long time. Yeah, I haven't either. I
haven't really even seen much about it, like
in the algorithm. Same, it's been a minute. I
don't know about Kelthony through y 'all. Yeah,
I used to watch it when my boy put me on and
then I just ain't watched it in a long time.
I ain't watched no comedy for real. Yeah, I tuned
into one of those. I tuned into podcast cringe
the other day just to see what the drama was.
Those things are so good. They're so silly. And
it's so mean. I don't like that part. It's so
fucking mean, y 'all. I disagree with them. I
don't know which one it even is because there's
so many of them now. And like you put one on
and then like trying to tell you why this person
sucks. I'm like, you're just wrong. You just
don't understand. Tom Segura has lost the plot.
It's like, dude, he's a millionaire. Very successful.
That's who Tom was when he wasn't. fame when
he wasn't rich. That's always who Tom Segora's
been. He's telling you if I got bumped up, one
of his main jokes, if I get bumped up to first
class and even though I didn't pay for it and
you try to come up there, I'm gonna put my hand
on your chest. He was saying that when he was
broke. So I can't imagine what you thought he
was gonna be. He's exactly who he said he was
gonna be. I'm not gonna lie to you. This is just
my take. I think Netflix kind of ruined comedy
for me a little bit. Stand up. Stand up. It did
overdo it, for sure. Because they paying these
guys to do it, but it's like they're catering
more to the system. Oh, yeah, for sure. Instead
of just being funny. I mean, that whole, what
was it, the star search thing was a clear example
of that when we saw Good Cop, Rad Cop. Oh, yeah.
That was our network TV type of... censorship
on that one. Yeah that was it was like so I couldn't
believe like cuz even even though you're right
Netflix is that mainstream shit now like I still
you know have a little hope in my heart that
you know they're they're the underdog no they're
the fucking main ones in Hollywood they fucking
yeah. I'll be honest with you like even though
I didn't watch it like that I like Comedy Central
because when they put a special together they
not It's a comedy. It's a comedy channel. Yes.
That was when it was a special, like a real special.
Because like now, it's like people have to catch
up with how famous they are, how good they are
at stand -up. So you could be like the most famous
podcast in the world. Who is a stand -up? But
you know, you're special. You probably don't
want to release it if you don't have an hour.
You still don't have an hour, no matter how famous
you are. I know they're going to tell you to
fucking put this special out. But you got some
of those. You're like, dude, you could have worked
on that. Yeah, true. If you got crowds that like
you, like if you go to a crowd, whoever it is,
if they're big, Theo Vaughn, he goes to a crowd,
they already wanna like him. Everybody knows
who Theo is, so it's hard for him to find out
what's really funny, because people who put your
standup on, they might not know who you are or
know you like that, and they're like, ah, this
ain't really it. Yeah, that's one thing. And
then also, shit. I don't understand why they
put out so many specials in so little time. I
mean, it literally makes people at our level
be like, oh no, I'm saving that joke for a special.
I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Not even that. How I thought he used to go back
in the day, let's say Chris Rock dropped a special
back in the day. What was the first one he did?
Bring the pain? Bring the pain, I think. Yeah.
I mean, that was like a fucking cultural moment.
But I'm saying, how long did he wait before he
dropped the next special? Bigger and blacker.
Wow. I mean, a few years, couple years. Over
that, over three years. Yeah, he went out and
lived. He went out and made movies. He went out
and had fun. You know what I'm saying? He was
me and him. It's like, if you signed a deal with
Netflix to release so many specials, you got
to do it in so many time frames. You don't got
time to live. And that's where you get the jokes
and experiences from. Exactly. And it disconnects
them slowly. It starts little, and then they
just become more and more disconnected, for sure.
Yeah, because that's what I tell, like when Charles
went out there, I'm like, I know you're going
out there for the stand up, but goddamn it, live.
Like you got to live. Like in New York, putting
yourself all alone. You got to get addicted to
heroin. Yeah, for real. Smoke two packs a day.
You have to live. And then come back here and
tear it up. Get robbed. Yeah. He's not going
to have a problem with that. Oh yeah, we just
need to try that. Yeah, Charles is definitely
going to get robbed. Someone say his living situation.
I don't think he can handle a stabbing. He's
too frail. It would go between all his important,
because he's so skinny. It would just slip in
between his organs. He'd be fine. Have you ever
seen Passion of the Christ? Have you guys ever
seen that? What's that about? Passion of the
Christ? I saw it once. I don't remember that
shit. It's a movie about Jesus. It's his story.
It's his story. It's Jesus's story passion of
the Christ do make one of them Yeah, but that's
how When he got stabbed with the spear, that's
how Charles would be when he got stabbed. I don't
even know. I haven't seen the movie in so long.
What was it, like an orgasmic? It almost looked
like dust came out. He was so frail. If I remember
correctly. Oh, you're right. It came out in 2004.
Oh, shit. You turned it into Brandon. You're
getting dates right. You ready to let him do
that? You know what? Hey, welcome to the club.
I thought that was completely different. I looked
at the picture. Yeah, that's about it. Mel Gibson,
one of his. That's about it. I miss those old
nostalgic movies back in day -to -day life. Nostalgic
movies is about the Bible. No, not that shit.
I'm talking about the stuff that is like, I remember
as a kid, I used to grow up. We had Comcast and
you got HBO and Max Channel. You'll find decent
movies. That's how I found Phonebooth. I will
know. Phonebooth? What's his name? Uh, shit.
What's that guy's name? Irish nigga. From the
Lobster. Colin Farrell. It's the first time Colin
Farrell's ever been called that. He was in a
phone booth and the guy was making him do shit
while he was in the phone booth. I was thinking
about it. Nothing weird. He was a guy that lived
the fuck. I need to fix my mind, man. I know,
right? Freaky ass niggas. I know. First passion,
now this. He was just a guy who wasn't... all
together guy, you know this white, doing some
other shit, and a guy was basically torturing
him, making him do shit. Doof. So Brandon, if
your wife cheats on you, is it okay to beat her?
To beat? Yeah. Can you beat her? That's crazy.
I ain't gonna lie. That's a wild challenge, bro.
No, I'm just asking, is it okay? I'm just saying,
I'm not saying you personally, I'm just, is it
okay? You come in. your old lady or if it was
a man if that's you know whatever you do and
cheating on you is it okay to beat them man you
know what do y 'all think i mean man that's that's
the man so in in the house and everything in
your bed in your house that you paying for you
just moved into your new apartment She makin'
that noise when that dick touch the back of that
throat. And you just hear every... Man. Man,
that's a tough... Hold on. Hold on. This is a
good one. What's more appropriate? What's better,
beating or killing? Beating. I don't think nobody
should die. I mean, if you think about it, I
think you get more respect if you, if you kill
them both. I mean, yeah. Then if you. If you
beat her ass and go to jail while you in jail,
she still get, she maybe bruised up, but she
still get a dick down. But if you shoot her in
the head, you might get off of crime of passion
and she ain't fucking nobody else. He say you
get off. You don't go to a passion man. I mean
I have to look up the laws in Alabama. Well,
probably now that we said this you But otherwise,
yeah, man, that's man. I mean that's not okay.
No go in there and they they just cracking it
down busting it You hear everything everything
screaming you think that somebody you ain't never
heard. I know you think somebody But then again
to play devil's advocate it also depends on Are
you splitting the bills or you paying all the
bills? I don't think I mean I really and in that
moment I don't think it matters that much. Yeah,
cuz you're gonna be shocked I'm saying which
one is which one is better to be there or To
beat both of them or to kill both of them whatever
satisfy her needs at that moment Cuz I've got
some guys who want to beat their way but not
kill her cuz they still want to be with her Yeah,
that's true. I already told that like I'm not
gonna hurt them in any way, but they will never
financially recover I'm destroying their personal
property. Oh, I would go literal. It would be
crazy. It would look like a fucking like they
got robbed. Yeah. I'd be so mad. I'd look him
in the eye as they did it. I wouldn't give a
fuck, dude. So you the bad bitch in a relationship.
I'd be in a shower cap throwing their clothes
out the window. It'd be like that with a robo.
Yeah, dude, it'd be like that. It'd be like that.
So which one Brandon? Man, um... You just don't
want to pay because you're going to whoop your
ass. I'm not saying, I'm not saying... Hypothetical.
Hypothetical if you came in, because you know,
saying you in your crib that you pay for and
they in your bed. You're in your hypothetical.
Man, I guess hypothetically in that situation,
I mean, I guess it depends how mad I am. I'll
add it. You gotta give me an answer, Brandon.
Which one? I guess beat. I mean, probably beat,
man. You beat women. That's fine. Oh, no, I don't.
No, nobody beat nobody. If it's a surprise, I
don't know. Like, if I literally had no idea
it was happening, I can't say what I'd do, because
I might literally go insane. Yeah, who knows?
But if you sensed it... You know if you knew
it was coming like that is the thing if you like
if you guys are already having a falling out
And then you're like she probably out there cheating.
That's a different. That's honestly like a get
-at -jail -free card. Oh cool Hell yeah, but
it but if it's like you you you thought you were
madly love That's when the murder murder was
on my mind I got murder on my, what's that song?
That's a fuckin' banger. He's in prison for that
murder. He's in jail, he's still. I got murder
on my mind. YMH melody. Oh, I never heard this
song, I know what you're talking about. You never
heard Murder on My Mind? No, it's so fucked up.
That'll be the outro song. It's so good, and
he's literally talking about a murder that he
committed, and actually it was an accident. He's
rapping it, and he gets to the point, he's not
rhyming, he's just telling you, well the murder
went in. rapping about the murder, and they got
the evidence. Why the fuck he ain't convicted
yet? Well, I mean, he's in there. He's in there
for, like, multiple murders. He killed two of
his best friends. Right, but it's like they can't
convict him. Like, the first trial, it was, uh...
I love how he knows everything. He doesn't know
the song, he knows everything about the trial.
Because that's today's rappers. Today's rappers,
they don't get famous until they get fucking
locked up. See, that's the thing. It's so dumb.
I don't understand it. You rap, and you know
what I'm saying, you in that life, you know about
the street life, and then you get the fuck out.
I mean, there's a model for it now. Gangsta rap,
goddamn fucking Ice Cube was NWA, fuck the police,
and now he's making kids movies. Gangsta rap
is different from drill music. It is it is I
don't I don't like that I do like some of the
songs But I don't want all my music you should
be listening all you got to realize a lot of
these niggas that's getting out It's not the
fact that they can't get out It's the fact that
yeah, they got a hot song on on the net on you
know Apple music whatever But they're not sound
to a major label and they don't there's no that
but that gets you more money if you do it on
Spotify and shit that the dude was just talking
about cuz Snoop Dogg or somebody was complaining
about not getting royalties only getting a certain
amount of royalties from the most most uh stream
songs see but i feel like they don't get they're
they're not doing like they are independent but
i bet i'm gonna guess like to get their song
on a thing but that's what they go through someone
and so they're getting fucked but that's what
happens when your role manager your producer
and your boss is in the streets with you selling
those you gotta somebody gotta have a regular
nine to five tell me what not to do this you
need a white jew within your current 100%. And
then once you get a little nest in egg, you can
hustle legally and make so much more money. Because
they're robbing us. I mean, you know the system.
You can play it and then make way more money
than just dealing drugs. That's just all you
know. So like, my boy spoke. He don't know anything.
But if you ask him what 10 times 10 is, swear
to God, he'd be like, oh, man, here you go. You
know what I'm saying? He won't answer. But if
you say if you broke a key down and you paid
34 for, how many? is how much are you gonna sell
ounce for? He could tell you just like that.
So you got to convert that to, you got to convert
it to - Translate it. Yeah, translate it to something
else that they can understand. And that gives
them the same feeling. Same feeling, yeah. Because
if you're sitting there looking at the computer
and be like, damn, I just made $500 ,000 in six
months. Now it takes a while to, you got to watch
that for six months, but. Come on, that's more
than you can make six months selling. I mean,
and not getting caught. Like, man, taking the
losses. Put these crack dealers on the stock
market, dude. And see, dude, see how quickly
he becomes socialist. Black crack heads started
investing. Black crack heads. Crack dealers.
Crack dealers. See how quick Donald Trump goes
communist. One rapper from drill music that made
it out, and he's doing great. Chief Key. Oh yeah,
but he made it out and what'd he do? He moved
his ass to LA and start playing video games.
That's what you're supposed to fucking do. That's
what you're supposed to do. They with Soulja
Boy now, he's doing the same thing. Because I
ain't never sold no dope, but I have members
of my family who did, and I was told that you're
not supposed to like doing that shit. It's the
worst I so I don't think they like it. No, they
like you know, they do They love they love like
keep on keep on made a fire album about some
murders. He actually did well, that's murder
It's different selling dope. Yeah, that's different
No, I'm saying but that whole life that a selling
dope killer niggas from another block They love
is it like they love it or is it like a guy who's
been in jail for 40 years? He can't knows nothing
else. Yeah, the kids Yeah, they know nothing
else. That's what I'm saying. That's what they
grew up in. They grew up in an old block. It's
like, you walk outside, you know what I'm saying?
You in the shit. I mean, imagine, like, you're
born in Huntsville. Like, imagine such a smaller,
worse area to be all you know. Like, yeah. And
then, like, when you're over there, you don't,
you be like, oh, you live in Chicago. You go
downtown. I'm probably not. You know what I'm
saying? It's a deal when you go downtown and
go to these nice places. When I see Chicago,
because I got friends that live in Chicago, when
I be seen, that shit be looking lovely. Oh, Chicago
is the most... That's Schomburg. Dude, it's the
most beautiful, like the downtown Chicago is
one of the most beautiful things you're ever
going to see. Better than Manhattan? I don't
know, I never been to Manhattan. but I'm just
saying like, but it probably is better because
it's less congested and it's easier to get around.
But like the city of Chicago is so beautiful
and the suburbs on the outside and you got a
bad spot. You know what I'm saying? And that
gives it a bad name. That's how they all are.
It's like five places in the city, like neighborhoods
that they literally contain it in. Yeah. The
police like have like a deal or so. I don't know
what they do, dude. You stay in here, you ain't
gonna get fucked with. Like if you go out there,
don't fuck around in the nice neighborhoods.
Yeah. And then in Chicago, I'm sure it's the
same thing where it will be the worst hood you've
ever seen. And then two blocks away is like mansions.
That's what I hope they do around here. Get these.
fucking meth heads out of my goddamn corner.
I'm about to turn into the fucking Karen. I'm
about to call the police and be like, I'm gonna
lay out here again. You got meth heads in the
neighborhood? Right over there? You don't see
I always have shit on they fucking lot and shit?
They have a, they have a, they literally have
a yard sale. every week, because they steal.
And the roof has like some kind of putty on it.
I don't know what's going on over there, but
they were arguing and it was a meth argue. You
know what I'm saying? When the pants is falling
down, because like far away, you'd be like, damn,
she bad. You get up, oh. They're kind of jumping
around. Oh, you're just skinny because you're
a meth. But I ain't gonna lie, though. I would
take his hood into the hood I grew up in. What
hood? This isn't the hood. No, I'm just, I'm
just, I'm just complaining about one. This is
white hood, this is white hood, bro. No, this
is Mexicans. Man, he got meth heads. Yeah, this
is the suburb, this is the suburb. I ain't seen
no white, the only white people is these old
white people on the corner, the rest are Mexicans.
There's a little Mexican over here. Well, he
live in the Mexican hood, they got meth heads.
Well, that's the other white people. So we gotta
get you, we just get rid of the whites, cause
the old lady won't talk to me. I've been waving
at, I've been, you know when you're like driving
and you try to do the wave, you're like, oh,
they see me this time and she always looks away.
I'm like, fuck this bitch. Got this little old
Kobe fro. Don't wanna wave at me. She probably
thinks I'm one of them. You kinda do look like
one of them. Yeah, I've been told that. Bigger
though. That's what separates, like I get Dominican
and Puerto Rican. Samoan. Dude, when I was in
Zany's, I went to the room Scott was going in,
because that's where Dusty Slay was. He wasn't
in there, though. I was just using Scott to get
in there. I was like, all right. So I was talking
to a dude who was on that show. It was a clean
show. And I looked at him. I was like, you like
me? He was like, what you mean? I was like, you
like me? I was like, mix? He was like, nah. He's
like, I'm Dominican. I was like, oh, me no black.
He was like, dude. That's a stereotype, and we
hate that he did that. That's what he's saying.
I know some Dominicans, and I don't remember
ever saying me no black, but they do wear the
tightest clothes. That's why I confuse me about
him, because he was wearing baggy clothes. I'm
like, I've never seen a Dominican without the
tightest jeans you've ever seen in your life,
and completely straight. Completely straight
eyebrows, done. They'll beat up a gay. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Gays can fight. Yes, they can do I've
seen I've seen plenty of them whoop ass One of
the news of the protector in the middle school
for the foster kids. I remember that huh? Okay,
so we had a We have group foster kids that will
come in there like and learn. Yeah. Yeah, they
will pull up in a truck school Yeah, they will
pull like I remember one time I saw them and
they're like man, you can't drive and shit But
fuck that I was trying to learn How old were
you? Uh, probably 18. Nah, I was like, I had
to be like 13. Oh. Because this is like, this
is like my fruit. No, no, no, no. Wait a minute.
Freshman's 14. 14. I had to be 14. Freshman where?
Because I remember I was driving. Brandon, you
skipped a lot of store. What do you mean you
can't drive? So I was driving with my, so, okay,
so I never drove in my life, right? And one day
I'm just sitting in there cause my friend, his
uncle would always like drive me. And one day
he started, I guess he started doing some stuff
he wasn't supposed to. Now I'm ready to clarify.
Please clarify. Some type of drugs. Okay, thank
God. Stuff like that. And one time we were driving
and he just looked at me, he said, you know what,
you wanna learn how to drive right now? And I
said, hell yeah. And he just got out the car
with his coffee. And he said, put your pedal
on the metal, so I'm pushing, going like. That
nigga was so high he couldn't drive. It was whiskey.
It was whiskey. But I kept going. I would go
like five miles an hour, and the bus is right
behind me. I kept stopping, and then his coffee
kept flying up. And then I remember I accidentally
went on to like, when I pulled up to school,
I almost went up on the sidewalk and hit this
fat girl and shit. She was kind of. Are you serious?
Yeah, she was kind of an asshole, so it would
have been OK. I remember I just pulled off and
got up and they were like, man, you can't drive,
bro. But yeah, he was in the bus and they had
one dude. The Fosters. Yeah, the Fosters were
in the bus and the one dude, he was the toughest
one. They told me he would literally be at the
Foster place protecting everybody. Oh, nice.
Nobody would mess with him. And he was the nicest
dude I've ever met. Gay is the day is long. My
bad, he was gay. Gay is the day is long. Yeah,
he was gay. Gay half a syllable. Yeah. No one
my bro's the only time I ever got beat up a gay
dude that I will say I used to pick on. Well,
let's say my brother used to pick on him, make
me pick on him. Because we all knew. Back in
my town, still, they don't say they're gay whenever,
clearly. You know what I mean? So he was like
that. But I grew up with him my whole life. And
this white dude, I hate to say this, but the
white dude, he was tall. And he said something
about my dad. My dad had died. I was like, I
pushed him. And I was like, he don't say nothing
about my dad. And I was fat. I didn't get this
out. I was in sixth grade and I was fat. I was
fat. Young little kid. Yeah, yeah. But I thought
I was the shit because I was bigger than everybody,
but I was just fat and he hit me in my shit so
hard. Dog, it split my fucking cheek and I went
down on a knee and then James not only beat him
up, but he beat up his brother who were supposed
to be the best fighters in the school. He beat
the shit out of both of them. Hell yeah. My nigga.
Shout out James. Yeah, yeah, shout out. Fuckin'
fighter, dude. Yeah, they can fight, man. They
gotta, they be picked. It's either that or die.
True, true. That's why, that's why I say I know
that you don't pick to be gay because I mean
since I was, since I was, I mean since I can
remember that we'd always been like friends of
the family, he was clearly, he was clearly gay
as hell. We're the same exact age so he was gay
the whole time. Hmm, but you don't get to pick
a Brandon. Yeah, you can't pick it could just
happen to you It could come they say it comes
later in life like late onset homosexuality That's
crazy you don't think so I don't think nothing
Hey, you've been watching movies lately Honestly,
no. Oh, dude, I want to see Pat's take on obsession.
Oh, we should watch it. Dude, we actually honestly
should. Yeah, I want to learn about that. What's
that about? The movie obsession. No, I've never
seen that. It's pretty damn good. You don't want
to know anything about it? I just want to watch
it. Oh, then let's just watch it. Let's get obsessed.
It's made by like sketch comedians is one of
those again, like weapons. I am going to try
to see that new black horror movie next week.
What's it called? I really don't know, but I
just know who's in it. It's Lil Rel, Carlos Melo,
Tiffany Haddish. Oh shit. Is it gonna be funny?
You think it's gonna be in the movies? Yeah.
It's gonna be funny or it's a horror? It's a
horror film. Oh fuck. But horror has always been
funny. It's a comedy horror film. Oh, okay. But
I think like - I wonder which way they're gonna
go. Are they gonna go Shana the Dead with it
or are they gonna go - Evil Dead. Just like Nightmare
on Elm Street. Right, yeah. It's funny but -
Well, I saw the trailer for it, how it was. I
think Carlos just got out of jail. and I guess
he finds a lick they can get, like, get some
money out of a house, and it's a haunted house.
Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's really, actually,
that's a really good... Because black people
hate ghosts. You ever watch Black Jesus? Mm -hmm.
Yeah, Slink, dude. You remember the nerd with
the glasses that always had to bite? Mm -mm.
He was always going to the store for everybody?
Mm -mm. Really? No. I ain't seen that in a long
time. That comedian's hilarious, Slink Johnson.
He was one of those from Wild N Out. Back in
the day, I forgot his name, but he ended it.
We gotta ask Robert. Oh yeah, apparently, apparently.
We can solve with Robert Hoffman on anything.
Dude, ridiculousness is going off the air this
year. For real? Still on? First of all, it's
still on. It's been on for 22 years. Get the
fuck out of here. No, but I remember them announcing
that shit, but I thought that was last year.
They announced that it was ending this year,
but it's still on currently. Holy shit. Isn't
that insane? You know, they got rid of everything
on com MTV MTV because that they wanted that
and then nothing but animated, right? I don't
even know like but if you go on like I Wish we
could pull it up. I might put it on overlay it
But I want to look up MTV's like current like
what's playing right now because I think it's
all ridiculousness Hmm. Yeah, I mean that's all
it's been whenever I go like a to a hotel or
something on there It is I just thought they
were reruns. Well, they probably are but Jesus
Because he says they pump out like 10 of those
a day or some shit like that. I mean, you're
just sitting there watching videos, right? Like,
why wouldn't you? And you get like, I think they
get a new crowd. I don't know how many they do
a day, but they get like a new crowd every two
or something like that. Literally right now on
is ridiculousness. It's crazy. It's a new episode
too. What the fuck are we? What the fuck? And
that's on the channel? Yeah, on MTV. They still,
I thought they were done. I thought MTV was gone.
No, Comedy Central's gone. Oh, Comedy Central,
I thought MTV was. Rest in Peace, Comedy Central.
Comedy Central was my, cause I didn't have like
HBO and all that shit. Comedy Central was the
biggest thing I had. It was the shit, dude. And
I used to love, I used to love on, it was either
one of the weekend nights, they'll show a uncut
stand -up special. Oh, yeah. Late nights, dude.
Yeah, at the late night. What? Martin Lawrence,
Ryan Attell, that? Dude, Dave Attell, I remember
seeing one of his that blew my mind as a kid.
See, I only, I didn't even know Dave Attell was
a comedian until, like, I'm saying the last 10
years, because when I grew up, he was on insomnia.
Oh yeah, that Colin Quinn show, right? No, no,
no, it was his show. It was David Tell's Somnia
and what he used to do, he would just go to bars.
And I want to watch it now because when I was
a kid, it would be up, it would be like literally
right before the church shit come on. So then
you're watching. Oh God. That brought back some
fucking memories right there. Cause it'd be like
one of those shows, like the rowdiest show ever.
And then gospel. T .D. Jakes going on about his
water or some shit. go to bars at nightlife and
then he would be like, if he liked the bar, I
believe. And I, you know, Dave, until now, I'm
pretty sure he was in there telling jokes, but
I used to like it when I was a kid. I wasn't
supposed to be watching. And it was just like,
I want to do, I never forget. I'm talking about,
I was young, young and I was like, I want to
do that. And that's pretty much what I do now.
Like, I'd be sleeping in class all day, because
I spent all night watching Comic View, guys.
Especially when they show LaVell Crawford in
his prime. Bruce Bruce, hosting that shit. Bruce
Bruce, that was my time. Bruce Bruce, Reynaldo
Ray, in the fucking bar, that was the shit. I
only thought stand -up was that, until way later
in life, I saw my first white comedian. I didn't
know they even did stand -up. Before I came over
here, I was watching this. I was watching Bruce
Bruce, he was on the podcast with Tyler Chronicles
and them, and they was asking him, he said, why
was Comic View showing the comedians who bombed
on that bitch? And he was like, because niggas
need to see. Can you do it or not? You know what
I'm saying? Because every way else you watch
it, it looks like they just execute it perfectly
every time. Because I was tripping when I found
out that Shaq All -Star. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey,
remember the one with Corey Holcomb? That's my
best, the best one. But you know, they had to
rearrange it because they said Mike F closed
that shit up and it was like, Corey got more
pop than him. So they had to rearrange it. I
mean, that set was legendary. That set all the
way. Corey Holcomb set on Shaq All -Star? All
-Star. When he's talking about the abortion joke.
The abortion joke, dude, is ain't shit niggas.
That's my, I still say that. People like, you
ever want to be shit? He was like, no, I'm straight.
My favorite joke, when he said he knew his three
year old daughter wasn't going to be shit. Because
she was like, she never sucked on a bottle. She
always took the top off and just wasted milk
all over her. She was like, you just like your
mama, bitch. Just like your mom. That shit funny
as hell, boy. I ain't gonna lie to you. They
can hate Corey all they want to, but that nigga
will forever be one of the ghosts. He's funny.
No, Corey is. He is funny, but he gets, you know,
he'd be involved in too much, you know what I
mean? No, I really don't think he'd be involved.
He does exactly what everybody else do. They
see a story and they reply to it. It's just that
his reply, it may hit hard to some people because...
These comedians, they know Corey. They're like,
Corey, why you doing like that? Oh, like, I'm
just kidding. Well, I mean, he is. He does say
rowdy shit, but that's who Corey Holcomb is,
too. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But every
comedian, every comedian that got a phone in
their face, they're being entertaining. They're
being them. They're being what they're known
for. True. When that camera go off, they're probably
chilling. They're probably even thinking about
that shit. I done heard some of the stories about
niggas going viral. They done posted a video
and didn't think it was going to be nothing.
and then they wake up to about 50 million goddamn
reactions. That's all it takes. I mean, that's
literally all it takes, and it could be for the
worst shit. Because how many of these have we
done? There's no way I remember any. Like, people
could be like, you said this on one of your podcasts,
and I would be like, you're a fucking liar. You
know what I mean? I would never say anything
that they pulled up. I'm like, god damn it, I
did say this. But this thing about it, though,
it's really expected of you to be you. when people
are fans of you, you have to be you on that camera.
Well, that's the thing, but you are, you're putting
on, you're putting on something when you're in
front of the camera, you know what I mean? So
you are putting on something, so you're trying
to get a pop or a rise out of everybody. I just
hate the fake outrage. I just hate, like, when
you want a comedian to respond to something,
you want it to be funny, because they're comedians.
Yeah. Well, people are looking to comedians for
fucking philosophy now, though. And you should
not. Good God. If you only knew the people we
hung out with at open mics, because that's what
comics are. They all are those guys. Cokeheads,
just the most mentally handicapped people you've
ever fucking met. No, they all are special in
a way, including us. They don't know who or what
they want to fuck. In a way where if they did
anything else, it would not work out for them.
And they are doing other, and it's not working
out for them. for them. Their life is not going
well. We some broke ass niggas, man. Speak for
yourself. It's so funny. Yeah, the idea. No,
like they're, believe it or not, they're still
philosophers in the world. Like you can read
what they're saying. You don't have to fucking.
I know it has to be so frustrating for them because
it's like, it's like somebody in astrophysics
trying to tell me and Brandon. Something and
it's like we can't grasp it, right? So so the
people that are trying to philosophize, you know,
whatever fuck I see I can't say it, you know
people but the people who are trying to do this
and they found out they might not even be that
feel that strongly about oh this got views so
now you have to take this stance and now you
have to act like you know what you're talking
about and you're not Jordan Peterson Jordan Peterson.
Where the fuck he been at? He's probably dead.
So he like, he's on that all meat diet and shit.
He's like, so Jordan Peterson, I don't even know
how, you probably would never have even seen
him. That's not like a failed comedian. He, dude,
so many of these right wing guys are failed writers
and comedians. So many of them, it's crazy. Well,
what a camera. I'm gonna let y 'all know now.
I don't know shit, I just talk shit. And that's
how I was gonna fucking say it. You can believe
if you want to. But some stuff do be right. If
you see any of us in positions of power ever,
run. Run as fast... Instead of black people,
I'm gonna look out for my people. In the wrong
way. In the 100 % wrong way. We gonna get our
reparations. How you gonna do that? Don't worry
about it. When I get the power, then you gonna
know. Fuck I'm gonna tell you for it. Do I get
some? You get half of it. Brandon, I'm going
to give you yours, but you... He's going to put
yours in a truss for you. Which would be right.
Which would be right. Put yours in the CD. I
ain't gonna lie, I'm gonna make sure your wife
can't touch it. I don't think that's who you
have to worry about. Yeah, you gotta worry about
somebody else. Yeah, I think so if he got a lump
sum of money. He gotta worry about a lot of people.
You would have to sign it over because they would
take care of it. I gotta ask you a question.
Brandon, you get $50 million. What's the first
thing you buy? First thing I buy? A car. Hell
yeah. I'm getting a better car. Gonna give me
a place. Hell yeah. Nice apartment. I don't need
nothing. No, fuck that. Fuck that. I'm sorry.
A house. No, 50 million, I'm buying the apartment
building. I'm getting a house. I'm being the
landlord. I got to be careful. I got to be careful,
man. This stuff could go away quickly. That is
true. You're buying a house and a car. You go
pay your taxes? Yes. Well, that's 50 million
after taxes. Say you got 50 million in the bank.
Let's say it was a whole year. You're buying
a house and a car. What else are you buying?
What's the one thing you're buying that's not
that? I guess we get some weed, too. I mean,
that'd be nice. See, Brandon, you're going to
live for a long time. What? I got a question.
He buys $49 million worth. What kind of house
are you going to buy? What kind of house are
you going to buy? Just a normal house, man. I
don't need to go crazy. Because my thing is,
if I live normal, like, man, just like people,
they'll get mansions and stuff like that. Shit
they literally can't afford. I just get something
now. I'm like, man, it looks like I'm normal,
but I'm rich as hell. See, I want a big house.
Just get a house. You can have it built the way
you want it. It don't have to be big. You can
get your wrestling ring in it if you want. Oh,
you best believe. See, you know what I'm saying?
So now you got to take that into account. Where's
the air you going to have that in? Do you want
it outside? Do you want it in the house? Do you
want to be as low up as you can? If anybody is
wrestling in Brandon's backyard. If you talk
to me one more time. Are you fucking with me?
No, you're fucking with me. Go ahead. You see
how that is? You stop, and now you go. What kind
of people are going to be in Brandon's wrestling
ring? As long as you got oil, you're going to
be there right now. You best believe. You're
going to have me with you. Would you hire amateur
wrestlers to come over there and put on a show
for you? Fuck it, let's do it. Actually, yeah,
I'd have amateurs and some pros in there. You
get some pros who ain't doing it, who ain't in
WWE, you know? Yeah, I would get cool with that.
Pay them a little bit. I feel like military contractors
but for wrestling? Yeah. Colby Kingston. Get
Jake the Snake in there, man. Why would you get
Jake the Snake? That nigga too old. Just to see
him. Just to see him. I just want to see him.
Maybe have him announce. Yeah, he can announce.
I just want to talk to him. I'm sure you can
have him over at the house if you'd like. Yeah,
we can just have a beer or something. He do comedy.
We have a Kinect Scott's open for or hosted for
him or something. Wow. We need to get back with
Adam Priest. We do. He's been blowing up, man.
I see it. I'm glad we got him. I can't believe.
That is one of my favorite things we've ever
done. I knew he was going to blow up because
the way he did that. The teaching. The teaching
and the promo and the way he whooped your motherfucking
ass. I know. I knew that was real shit. No. He
probably wants that to go away. It was actually
so good. I can't believe how good that turned
out. Like out of like minimum planning. Minimum
planning, the asthma attack worked perfectly.
That was real. And you edited so I didn't look
so bad because I was like, he's gonna be fine.
I was like, Brady, you just gotta get it. And
then once I took one bump, I was like, I don't
know how the fuck he's been doing this. It was
crazy. It was, yeah, that was the most, oh, I
was so happy with that. I loved it, though. That
was fun. I'd do it again. Roll the tape. Roll
that beautiful beam footage. Oh, man, hell yeah.
Did you see the table or the chair? No table.
Oh, that was so, oh, that ending. The basic section
was it. Oh, man. I mean, that was real. Like
when the sweat slaps, I'm gonna come out like,
ah. I'm telling you, me and JJ's reaction on
that was 100 % real. I couldn't believe how hard
that he hit you. I thought we ought to stop it.
I thought he fucked you up that bad. I give you
props how you said it. He was really into character.
And that's again what Don was saying. Another
dream come true. And his character is just who
he is. And he was funny, he was hilarious, he
got it. Yeah, dude. That's a good point that
was like we were working with someone who knew
what was up He went whatever we say, but then
he'll spice it up and then and if we had a bad
angle I'm sure he would have told us like oh,
no, it would have worked better Look at this
page. I think it's about am I going through a
midlife crisis? Yes. Oh, yeah. 100%. I thought
the comedy was the midlife crisis. You versus
Daniel Harden would be nice. Fuck it. Pro wrestling.
Let's do it. Yeah, bring back the Black Bear.
Yeah, the Black Bear got it. Black Bear would
be the one. So we got a lot of like wrestling
adjacent folks in our crew. Like Daniel, apparently.
Like there's that Harden. Oh, yeah. Who else?
Who else was it that uh, there's a guy that from
down like in colman that announces gene gene
something. Do you know? Okay, we got cassio.
We got cassio who like literally does a podcast
with multiple Road dog jess and james. Yeah,
I just saw a picture with him and um Dolph Ziegler.
Oh shit, Dolph Ziegler man. Cassio's big time
the most famous person we ever had on well shout
out it didn't not mike sales oh yeah that's true
mike sales is huh dolph ziggler is a comedian
too for real yeah i don't know who dolph oh yeah
i heard the name he's a wrestler but he actually
does stand for comedy on the side it broke my
heart as a child i remember that what do you
back in like 2012, I was probably about nine
years old. I remember I was obsessed with this
wrestling chick named AJ Lee, who now made CM
Punk. And I remember one day he just had her,
started making out with her and shit. I was like,
damn, that broke my heart. And then he was kind
of like the Macho Man with her, man. He was a
little abusive. in real life? Oh, not in real
life. Just on the character front. But I didn't
know that as a child. Like, man, I'm telling
you, I would be having breakdowns in the front
room. Like, I remember they had this thing where
he got married to, or she get, damn, my bad,
she got married to this guy named Daniel Bryan,
where he'd be doing this, he'd be saying yes,
yes, yes. He kind of looked like a goat. And
then, you guys remember Slick, back in the day
in the 80s, Slick with Akeem and Big Boss Man?
Nobody was born in the 80s here. Damn, man, you
guys should know that. But back in the day, there
was a dude named Slick, which he was... It was
weird. But he was the dude that had them get
married. And I remember watching AJ Lee and Daniel
Bryan and Cain. Thankfully, he broke it up. But,
dude, I was crushed. My mom had to calm me down.
She was like, tap me on the back. It's okay.
It's crazy how much of the target demo you are.
You wonder how you got tricked in that job. tricked
in the wood, yeah. when you did, when you watched
them, uh, folks. Oh. At the folks. At the folks'
homes. Yeah, I'm out here. Okay, I'll try to
be nice, but when they had you watching them
crazy ass folks, they were biting your ass. Oh,
damn. Oh, well, I mean, that was crazy. They
did you, they, they, the, the security people
did do you wrong. I mean, they did, because they
said that they felt like that was where I belonged
and that's the spot for me. Let's, let's, let's
take it a step back for the people. Tell the
people where you were working, not like literally
where, but like what the job. I was a hospital
security officer. Mm -hmm. At a what hospital?
And at first, I remember I thought that I was
gonna be at Huntsville. You know, just walk around
Huntsville Hospital, maybe Decatur Hospital,
and we went through the academy and they were
telling everybody where they belonged. And they
told me that they thought, they were like, this
place is you. You would do really good at it.
And they were like, this is where we feel like
you belong. And it was. You were the crazy person.
I loved it. I did great, it was good. I'm pretty
sure he was like. Yeah, I can figure myself here.
I did, like the whole time I was like, yeah.
Sitting on the bed like. Like I was high fiving
them. Dabbing them up through the bars. I know,
I'm like, guess this is where I'll be, I guess
I'll get experience. And they're like, you'll
get experience, I did. And it's crazy, you did
so good there. I know. It's sad how much you
literally belong there. They hate you. And people
thought I belonged, people thought I was in there,
like one dude, I remember we were trying to calm
him down. And then he was looking, he was like,
wait a minute, ain't you? He's special, too.
You're a guy on the inside. He kept getting on
my voice. He's like, why you sound like that?
He got a weird voice for a 20 -something year
old. I was like, nah, that's just how I sound.
This is a person in there? Yeah, we were literally
wrestling this dude. Wait, for fun? No, not for
fun. He was acting out. So why y 'all was wrestling
and he was like, you like me? Yeah, he calmed
down. And he was like, huh. He can sense it.
I'm like, it's the same dude. It's the same dude
that gave a psychiatrist brain damage. Not there.
And looks at me and is like, huh. But he liked
you. Yeah, a lot of them did. It was weird. Like
one dude, he told me, he was like, man, you don't
have to worry about nowhere. Because if they
try to get you, I'm jumping in. I was like, no,
you don't have to do that. That'll be all right.
See? It's so crazy. Like, the effect, like that's
so rare that you have such a genuine effect on
people. They feel safe and calm. If anybody ever
told me they didn't like you, I would immediately...
They're wrong. I would immediately talk to them.
It's gotta get branded. It's branded. I wouldn't
even say that to them. I would just be like,
I understand what kind of person you are and
I don't want to be a part of it at all. Dude,
that's been my life. Can you imagine... Do you
have any enemies? Yeah. The three... The three
Mexicans? The three ones that pull the gun. Oh
yeah, that was wild. Are you imagining friends
still cool? Nah, nah, we broke up probably in
2012, man. 2012. Same year, the driving. Oh my
god. Wait, driving? That was freshman year. So
freshman year, how old am I? So I'm nine years
old in 2012. 13, 14. So it's probably about 2015,
2016. No, I had to be 20. Probably 2017 but she
was eight whenever this went down. Oh, you talking
about the madden a friend stuff. Oh hell Yeah,
I was eight. This is when my babysitter was a
vampire came. What grade are you in when you're
wait? What third you were still had imagine your
friend in third grade At eight. Yeah, I feel
like that's third. I mean because what grade
were you with the magic Johnson thing? Okay,
so magic Johnson that was 2016. Oh, so you were
high school in that picture I believe so, let
me see, 10, 11, 12, I was 13. Dude, we gotta
put this picture. I'm putting that, yes. This
picture is up and you guys look in the bottom
right corner. I know. That is Lil Brandon and
you were in high school. Yeah, I was 13 years
old. It's the most classic Brandon zone out I've
ever, it is so, you can transpose that on a picture
of you today. The facial expression would be
the exact same. I was out living life at that
time. I wanted to. I mean, I was a sophomore
in 2012. 2012. In 2016, I was out of high school.
I was at war. For you. Thank you, man. You're
welcome. For your freedom. I actually have a
picture. We'll put it up. It's me on Halloween
and I was in a pimp suit in Afghanistan. That's
what kind of work I did. 2016 I was buying Adderalls
from a guy named Martez. I met on the bus in
Baltimore Martez Martez never heard that name
before Mart Mart. Yeah, I think was Martez. That's
a good 2016. I was just Something's never changed
You do it a lot yeah, what you doing? Oh man,
right now I'm just working. I got a show on July
26th. Hell yeah. Oh yeah. Where at? Where we
at? Chattanooga. Oh, Jalita's show? Nah, it's
Alex, Alex, Alex. Hamaddy? Nah, Alex Hutchinson.
Okay. The Chattanooga folks are good people.
I'm on, I don't know the dates, but a competition
there. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. When you finally gonna
do that? Well, they asked me. It's a competition
but it's everybody else just goes up against
one city and then us it's us versus us and Birmingham
and only a couple get out of it. So it's gonna
be fun. Let's see what Birmingham got Yeah, you're
on that competition Yeah, this Wednesday Yeah,
this Wednesday on the 22nd. Yeah, I'll be in
a stardom doing Alabama's funniest. This is your
first round. Yeah. Yeah, it's my first round
Okay, who you gonna we asked you this last time?
Yeah, so I got Bama Bob, Morgan, Olivia, LP.
He might as well just pencil him in. No, but
I think Brandon has a chance. No, it's more than
one. I guess LB. Oh, dude, I think you. Oh, you
definitely got a chance. It's going to be LB,
you and somebody else. If you hit it, if you
hit, you know, you can fuck with anybody. And
that's set you've been working on slaps. I appreciate
it, bro. took him down he actually listened to
the notes now he's fucking flourishing and he
did it perfect he literally every note you gave
him literally followed perfectly oh yeah i'm
listening man i'm listening i'm putting in that
work hell yeah now if we just can do it to dante
oh god now we need to make we're doing that we're
doing that yeah a little bit little sketch well
well i think we can make i think i think if it
goes the way that we see it that it could be
a ongoing thing and also not just i mean i don't
want to say is for every like I will go through
it because you know saying you got somebody who's
who's a 10 12 year comment and you can have guest
comics come down we should set it up like Gordon
Ramsay yeah so like Scott's like sitting in the
audience in a disguise he'd be so if he doesn't
get to get on we make him not be on his phone
he's gonna be so pissed off he's gonna hate comedy
But that's what we're gonna do. Oh, yeah, and
then but Dante is gonna be the first one and
we should put him in different wigs Scott, dude
Oh, we didn't tell him what it is. It's boot
camp. Oh, yeah comedy boot camp many boot camp
for comedians and then you got a veteran comic
veteran comic who coaches them watch their five
-minute set which the crowd will too you know
and then he'll take notes he'll give them notes
and then after he goes through boot camp he does
another five minute set and then we see what
the finished product is if it works if the person
took the advice because it will be on camera
so you can't be like he told you this you did
this is all that's just going to be there see
we can retain it i know you do good bro thanks
man That little cough. That little cough. You
eating lettuce? Am I eating lettuce? Hell yeah,
I'm eating lettuce, man. You heard about the
explosive diarrhea? Dude, I already got that.
It's called lactose intolerance. Dude, we were
eating at fucking Thai food, and I was about
to put all the vegetables in my pho, and Nat's
like, no, the shit parasite. And I'm like, I
will like... Like listen to you and I hear you
but like if I didn't know you I would literally
not know anything about this and I would just
be eating lettuce Like a motherfucker. I don't
like so I still I still am trying to lose weight
You remember when I went to Taco Bell and I was
like my stomach was fucked up Like I had to take
off work the next day. Yeah, it was a time. I
didn't have any PTO or anything I just had to
take it off I mean my stomach was fucked up and
then that came out that Taco Bell was the culprit
Yes, you're probably one of the first victims.
Yeah, maybe. I mean, that's good for you, though.
That means I can't get it now. Doesn't that help
you lose weight, too? Yeah, dysentery tends to,
yeah. It made me lose a lot of weight that I
gained back immediately. Once you drank a cup
of water. It's crazy. Been losing weight? Betrayal,
yeah. Yeah, you've been in the gym. I seen you,
man. You back there getting it. Doing some pools.
What are you doing? Right now, I'm just doing
some weight lifting, some core exercise. I ain't
been on the treadmill, man. I ain't gonna lie,
because I've been walking around doing other
shit. Yeah, you walk a shit -tough for someone
your size. You walk like crazy. I tell everybody
that you're so fucking just, you're light on
your feet. It's like Kevin James. Yeah. And you
can lift up your legs way farther than you should
be. Yeah. You got flexibility. Yeah. That's a
bit, shut your. Being honest. What you walk to,
I remember like. Nah man, sometimes you just
gotta put in your mind you can do it, you know
what I'm saying? And your body doesn't break
down on you. Yeah, you gotta choose between a
sandwich and just living. What type of sandwich?
Well you got some motherfuckers, like you got,
like I'm just saying, if you're gonna be a big
dude, you gotta move around a lot. Some people
just rather, some big people just rather sit
there. Yeah, but the sandwich. Oh, eat the sandwich
and don't move. Like if you're gonna eat a burger.
You gotta walk it off. And this is who you listen
to about. I told you I don't eat shit, I just
talk shit. No, no. But literally, I mean, if
I was big, I wouldn't know what you do. Like,
I mean, I'm big. It's like, I'm not gonna lie
to you, like, nutrition is why I don't listen
to me. But my thing is, if you... The key thing
is to keep moving. And I move a lot. And that's
true with Eddie. I get up every day at three
in the morning. Once I'm up, I'm up. I'm drinking
coffee, I'm working, I'm making money somewhere.
I don't get home till probably two o 'clock p
.m. Maybe three, maybe four. This motherfucker's
like David Goggins, but the exact opposite. Not
wrong. I'm just saying, man, when you've been
homeless once before, twice before, hell, you
don't want to be homeless again, so you can't
get your money any kind of way. Yeah. Hell no.
Were you ever homeless when you didn't have a
car? Oof. Yeah. You were? Yeah. Or did you sleep?
I used to sleep, like when I was in Talladega,
I used to sleep at the art building, like on
the porch at the art building. How long? Oh,
shit, it was, it was shit. It was a low -key
summer and fall thing. Jesus Christ. That's a
long time. Yeah, local summer phone. And look
at us now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy, bro.
I called my homeboy, asked him for $20. He was
like, the fuck you need $20 for? You be working.
I told him my situation. He was like, you call
me for $20? I finna come get your ass. Brought
me up here. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Right now?
Hell yeah. No, this was back then. Oh, OK. Oh,
OK. Hell yeah. That's a good dude. Yeah. but
somebody told me that, a dude I work with, he
was like, you can't ask his dad for any money
under $100. Because he's like, if you ask me
for $40, I think you smoking. You know what I'm
saying? If you ask for a little bit of some amount
of money, that's usually for drugs. But if you
ask for like a hundred or something, you need
something big. And that is true. There's this
chick on social media, she said that, it was
funny as fuck, she said, if you need to borrow
$20 to the next day, just go to bed early and
wake up. That's fucking funny though. That's
good as fuck. The day just needs to be over.
But you know what's crazy? My folks are mad at
me that I don't call them when I need help. Like
I called them at the last minute. And they'd
be like, why the fuck you don't call us? And
I'd be like, man, I be trying to get it myself
because I know I got things going on. I got things
going on. It's fucked up, but sometimes I like
to vision them being dead already. Because if
I'm going through what I'm going through, who
the fuck can I call? I can't call them because
they're gone. So I got to put it in my mind until
I really need it, to the point where I got to
have it or else. So I'm like, damn, I got to
call them. That is an interesting way. Just think
people are dead. I mean... I'm literally the
black sheep in my family life. I'm at a loss
for words. They think I don't care about them
because I don't go visit. I'm like nah, it's
just like I got a lot going on. Yeah. I wouldn't
mind going down to the Gulf City folks, but shit,
I'll be busy. And shit keeps me up here. Yeah,
you got to make your money somehow. Don't say
it like that. That sound like some tricking shit.
What do you mean tricking? Tricking means you're
spending money. Tricking means you're fucking
for money. What are you talking about? Wait,
for real? Tricking is you spending money to fuck.
Oh, okay. Or spending money, yeah. Oh, okay.
So it ain't tricking. So Marks do the tricking.
Yeah, yeah. It ain't tricking if you got it.
It ain't tricking if you got it. Does that mean
you just get it without paying? No, you know
what tricking is, right? No, I don't. You tricking
off money to get some pussy. So so you're acting
like you got money to give you actually given
you With playing a trick. Yeah, it's not that's
not even that's it's tricking Yeah, but you got
trick and if you like, oh this girl when I was
young it would be like, oh you bought this girl
bottle you trick and I'm like, yeah But you ain't
given no now back in my day we weren't given
no already we talking about a pint of They was
getting on to me that, and I used to be like,
it ain't trick or treat. Spend this $10 on you,
baby. Okay. Now you got that nigga trying to
spend a lot of shit on you, you feel me? Buying
them cars and shit. I never would have. I mean,
I would understand it if I was, like, I would
have to be like, you know, $50 million, something
like that. Then, yeah. I still would buy them
cars. I seen some girl on Instagram, Ruby Rose.
You love this car, girl? I still not buy them
cars. It's something about her body. I still
not buy them cars. It's insane. Somebody said
they could find 100 rubies. You know who Ruby
Rose is? Yeah. They like, you can find a hundred
ruby roses. No the fuck you can't. I mean, I
have never seen one in a while. Like it's, her
body is like so purported, the booty set up so.
Damn. Hopefully she sees this one time you get
an opportunity. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully. And I
don't have the money that, remember her and Jusky
did that thing, they weren't really dating but.
Oh, that shit, yeah. No, not her. God no. I don't
know who you're talking about. I don't know who
that's a ruby rose black. That's why I don't
know her. So there's a white Ruby Rose and a
black Ruby Rose? Yeah, the other Ruby Rose was
like, and orange is the new black, I think. Who
came out first, the black or the white one? I've
seen the white one first, but this is the only
one I remember. I didn't remember her until he
sold me. Maybe her name, is it Ruby Rose? It
is Ruby Rose. She has a, I follow her on Instagram.
Sydney Sweeney just drops a new pic, too. Uh,
we'll find a way. She's she's she's just like
you like it because she's republican I do like
that, you know, she'll say it but uh She's just
like I love how she's like, uh, she's taking
just like hot pictures I know she has her own
brand of honor, but then she just takes a picture
of her tits and i'm like that see More people
need to be like her. She knows why she's big.
It's not her acting. I'll tell you that I mean,
you're not wrong. Tell you that i've never seen
What's the euphoria? Euphoria? You need to watch
that Is it good? The last one you needed because
she became a big giant. I've seen the parts.
And then she became a furry. Huh? Yeah, she became
furry. Euphoria needs to, like, I've only seen
the first two episodes and they were two of the
most heinous things I've ever seen on television.
Really? It was literally, yeah, I don't even
know how to describe it without describing it.
It was the worst situation I've ever seen. The
dad and his son. Yeah, that was literally the
so it's this dad who fucks young boys and trans
people and films it, and his son, child's son,
finds the porn and watches it. It's literally
like the worst, the literal worst thing you could
show me, and they do it. Second episode. They
put the show about the kids on drugs or something?
Yes, they all are on drugs. Zendaya, the fentanyl,
the first episode, like it's the fucking worst
thing. Like meant to do fentanyl? Yes. On purpose.
She's knocking on doors, man. Begging for it.
Growing up, was it like that to you? Like a lot
of kids who was on drugs and dying overdose and
shit like that? We had drugs, but it was the
old fashioned, like the biggest one was like
these two girls and they were hot too, both of
them banging, they were on heroin. And that was
crazy. But they were like, they were like, they
were both cheerleaders and shit, but they just
did heroin. I think one of them has AIDS now.
And then, but you, but all, that's how I made
my money, dude. all the whites did coke. All
the whites in my, and I didn't do it. And so
I would sell it to them. And then I was like,
I was like, I can make more money selling crack.
And I tried to sell crack for a month and I would
never do that shit again. You got people knocking
on your mama door. I'm talking about, I was like,
get the fuck, no matter what you say to me, you
gotta kill you, you come back here, you fucking
crazy. You're like, man, I need it, I need it.
Knock on the door 10 minutes later. Well, my
mom would have came up there. And I was like,
I can't do this shit. Almost getting stabbed.
It's always they losing. Oh, one time it was
like, because we didn't know how to cook, me
and spoke. So it was this black chick named Tiffany
and her husband, Dre, who was a white skinny
dude with tattoos on his face and shit. Like
one of those kind of guys. And I remember I had
him fixing my car because that's what you did.
Anything you need like that. He fixed my car,
got in the wreck. He fixed the whole thing outside
in the winter time in Illinois with nothing but
latex gloves on. And I was like, I need this
car tomorrow. So he didn't even have that, but
we went over there to go sell, we had to sell
like, it was like a quarter. So we had to cook
it up, but we didn't know how to cook. So he
put that shit and he put like, he was like, I'm
gonna try it out first. He put a gram and a mason
jar, right? And he was like trying to make it
in the microwave. I'm looking at spoke. I'm like,
man, I ain't never seen nobody do it. He's like,
man, this shit ain't working. This shit worked
all the time. But I noticed he didn't put the,
he didn't pour out. the shit in the water, because
he put the Coke in the water. He just put it
in his sink and we had to go make this play.
So we go over there and I hit, I had spoke in
the back seat. I'm like, he ain't poured that
out. He was like, I know, bro. He's like, sometimes
you got to take losses though. So he was just
already like, sometimes you got to take losses.
They about to put us on this big play where this
dude, rich dude with like, we drove 45 minutes,
this rich dude. And like we sat in the back,
like behind his barn. And then he had a house
up front and they went in there and smoked crack
for 45 minutes and then came. gave us all the
money and then we had to drive back. But I was
just like, this wasn't worth it. I was so fucking
like, what the fuck are we doing out here? We
don't know where to, this was before phones had
GPS and shit. We're just out in the goddamn country,
fucking serving white people crap. Well, he need
his own snowfall. I'm gonna tease him, can we
get about that shit? That's why they carry that.
Half a season. You said what? I'm like, that's
why they carry guns. That makes sense. You didn't
fucking need it. That's smart, that's smart.
I knew some drug dealers ain't gonna say no names,
but I used to be in the house when they were
cooking this shit in the microwave. It makes
this shit look easy as fuck. I mean, it makes
sense you can do, because you just gotta heat
it up and then put it on coal, then it's gonna
come back. See, they caught them circles when
I was watching it. They caught them, because
when it came out, it came out like a little circle.
In the microwave? Yeah, in the crack circle.
They just put it in the bag, crunch it up, sell
that shit. Boys I know what we're doing tonight.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna make some money. No the
fuck we know No, we're joking We just smoke a
little crack. Yeah, I mean, it's okay You ain't
gonna try with us. It's not no fentanyl in it.
There's no fat. No, man You get stronger. Mm
-hmm. You can do shit. You live up this house
right now. We could do some cool. I'll be that
strong Yeah, if you okay. Okay. All right. This
is a good one If you smoked crack and you got
two superpowers of your choosing, would you do
it? Like every time you smoked it, it only lasts
for 15 minutes. It activates. You get two superpowers,
would you smoke crack? Yes. Yes, I would. Would
you do it? Guaranteed. A million percent. That's
not even a question. He's got shit he's trying
to do for 15 minutes. What powers do you want?
What powers would you get? Dude, I would love
super intelligence where I could do whatever
I want. I'd help myself get rich. And I'm doing
drugs. Okay, you got a smoke crush, so you get
15 minutes of high, so you get 15 minutes of
superpowers. So you got super intelligence, one
whatsoever. But you're also high on crap. Yeah,
but you're also high on crap. Dude, you could
do that before sex, too. You can make your stuff,
like do some cool stuff. So you want sex as your
second superpower? What was that? Yeah, I was
like, well, no, I want super strength. Okay.
Like super strength, invincibility. Well, you
only get two. Wait, hold on, let me take that
back. So I want invincibility. And then I want,
let me think, let me think. Man, what would be
cool? What's some, what? I guess invisibility
where I could just like stick my hand through
a wall and grab stuff. That's translucent. Oh,
I would be translucent. I want time travel and
mind control. Dude, that's actually really good.
Go back in time fucking high as shit. But if
you get stuck though, you gotta find crack in
the fucking 20s. You know what I mean? You gotta
make it yourself. You gotta make crack for the
first time. Time travel is good. You can't change
yours now Brandon. You can't get the... And black
people shouldn't time travel. Yeah, I'd be fucked
man, on crack. Would you do it, first of all?
A crack? Yeah. If you got the two superpowers.
Come on. Every time you smoke, you got two superpowers.
Yeah, I'd do it. You'd do it, what would you
be your two superpowers? I would time travel
at super speed. Okay. I would definitely. Well,
hold up. Cause it kinda go hand in hand cause
if you got super speed you can kinda run your
stuff back in time. You only got 15 minutes.
He's using comic book logic. Speed and time travel.
I'll go back there and save all the great blacks
who got killed. Hell yeah. But you can still
get, if you got super speed you can still get
shot. You gotta catch them first. Yeah that's
true. They only got muskets and shit back then.
I do teleportate teleportation for sure and then
the healing thing like the healing factor just
calls all kind of ruckus and if you get shot
you get you dude I should have done that because
then nobody will get mad at you for doing correct
but everybody be like man Brandon needs to do
crap because you can heal people oh boy and then
when you ill heal you in real life too because
you smoke the crack right and then you get these
powers, but then it heals your body. So saying
if you have cancer or something, it would heal
it. It would do that. But would it make you sober
the second it activated? Would it detox your
body? That would be even better. Yeah. Especially
not being sober because now I can enjoy crack.
All I have to do is smoke crack and my cancer's
cured? You can do crack. We ain't never gonna
smoke crack because this shit gonna happen. Yeah,
I'm only smoking if I get powers. Me too. You
will. First of all, if you smoke crack, you will
definitely get powers. You ever seen a crackhead?
They'll jump off this roof right now, do a backflip,
break their leg, but nothing happens for something.
They never get hurt. But that comes with years
after crack, because so much crack in their body,
they ain't gonna feel that shit. Yeah, it's like
Wolverine's skeleton, like the crackhead. I mean,
that'd be good. All right, peace. Hell yeah,
Coach. Hate Scrappy Doo.