This week on Clown College. Explain this the
normal way. The normal way, somebody will clean
it out. Then you open it and just go on in there.
It's kind of like, I guess, eating an old cat,
if you know what I mean. But in a reverse way.
You're going in that ass. Do you go circles or
do you go up and down on the ass? You got to
go up and down, right? You got to go up and down.
What's this? This is crazy. I don't know what
the meta is right now. This is crazy. Welcome
to Clown College. We have profound knowledge
in many ways to elevate and make you sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, a few
takes on a way to make it as a comic, then stick
around for a while to fit down to clown. We've
got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College. See, I bet that's
how they get them. How do I sound? Now I'm on?
Am I on, Brandon? Yeah, you're on. In about 18
years, Alex won't flirt with that one anymore.
No, I deleted that one. Cobalt CPP. I've only
downloaded the one. I haven't done it with ChatGPT
because then they would have my shit. I don't
want them to know. Did they save all that stuff?
I don't want them to know the specific names
of the people in my life who I'm making an AIB.
Oh, my goodness. Because then when you get the
Neuralink, it's going to play. Yeah, then it'll
happen. Then it'll start crossing over Black
Mirror style. Yeah, I was going to say, that's
literally the USS carrier or whatever. Is that
one of the new ones? Yeah, it was on last season.
They got two of them now. I thought there was
a brand new one that just came out. Yeah, that's
the second one. But you saw the first one, right?
I haven't seen any of the new season. No, the
one, the first time they did, it's like Star
Trek shit, but it's in like a simulator. Jesse
Plymouth? Yes, I do remember that. Yeah. Jesse
Plymouth? That's what he's talking about doing.
Storing your subconscious, even though you'll
still go living on. Wasn't there another one
about that? Because then you can fuck your memories.
Where it's the lesbians? What? They're in that
San Pedro or wherever? Yeah, I didn't know. I
only watched that once. They live in the computer
after they die. You know what's my favorite Black
Mirror? Speaking of simulations and stuff, it's
the fighting game one. That is my favorite, and
everybody thought it was weird. It is funny.
That's probably going to be better than what
he watched. Yeah, I have to watch that one. You
want to describe it to Brandon? Yeah, go ahead.
I think we've actually talked about it on the
podcast before. But basically, it's an augmented
reality game, like in the future. VR. these little
things on your temples, and it transports you
into the game. You see everything in the game,
hear everything, feel everything. It's like you're
actually there. These two buddies were playing
the game. They're playing like a Street Fighter
style game. So it's like you and JJ playing the
game, right? Like me and you were playing the
game. I think they were cousins or something.
I don't know. No, they're just two friends. Now
I like it more. It's y 'all two playing the game,
right? But we're playing the game. We're playing
Street Fighter, so we're fighting each other,
and we're actually feeling all the hits and stuff,
and then all of a sudden we start engaging in
intercourse. Well, okay, you missed a key point.
You're playing as a girl character. Yeah, so
one of you is the hot Asian man, like Johnny
Tsunami type, and the other's like Chun -Li.
Yeah. That's just the characters you pick in
the fight. We're like, we're playing this game.
Oh, Chun -Li has the kicks. I'm going to pick
her. But you're in the body in the game. Yeah.
So it's like you are Liu Kang or whatever. Yeah.
And then he's Chun -Li. But that's what you see.
So it's like, you know what I'm saying? It's
just like your buddy JJ, but when you guys fight.
And I don't sound like me or look like me. He's
Chun -Li. That's who you think you're talking
to. Let's put it in Turner's brain. I'm not liking
this. It's like you're playing WWE. and JJ chooses
Undertaker and you pick who's the smallest woman.
Yes. He's on board. I'm not on board. Because
it's still you at the end of the day. Yeah, but
it's in a game. It's not like you're touching
them. But you said that we feel everything, right?
So you're going to feel that? Yeah. You can experience
the female orgasm. I don't want to experience
an orgasm, though, man. Why not? Because I'm
good. These guys haven't either, Brennan. I'm
good. Oh, it was bad. That's funny. Because my
thing is, like, at the end of the day, we got
to take it off right now and be like, hey, man,
how you doing? But he doesn't look like that.
Yeah. Yeah. But you felt Chung Lee. Yeah, you
feel like the body in the game. So you felt Mark
Henry? Yes. Unfortunately, I did. And that's
what he liked when he was Sean Lee. That's what
you wanted to do? I mean, first of all, the hostility.
This was a consensual act, Brandon. Nah, I'm
good. I'm good. How about we just not have sex
after the fight? Well, it's not after. He still
thinks we're going to fight and then have sex?
But no, man, and the whole episode is about,
is that gay? Is it? Because their actual bodies
aren't having sex with each other. But their
minds are. You're mentally having sex with another
dude. No, I'm good. But then later on in that
episode, the guy admits it's not as good with
the computer. When he's talking about playing
against him, I've tried playing against other
people. I've tried having every combination of
sex between the characters. He was like, even
the polar bear. A little beastie. Well, that's
what you like. What are you talking about, furries?
Because I don't like furries. No, I wasn't talking
about that, but I was talking about the monster
vagina thing. I actually saw one in Spencer.
So it's a real live polar bear that he just fought.
Look at the polar bear character. He just fought.
I'm good. What's it called? Striking Vipers.
Jesus Christ. Jesus. You really like this one,
for real. I just rewatched it. It's funny, because
they end up kissing. Yeah. They're like, are
we gay? Yeah. No, is the answer. I love that
they got to that point. They fist fought in the
rain, then kissed. And then his wife, we're skipping
over the craziest part. Spoiler alert. At the
end, he... Him and his wife have been together
for like 10 years when this starts happening.
On their anniversary every year, he takes his
ring off. She goes and has sex with another guy.
And he goes and has sex with his buddy on this
game. Wait. Yeah. Now he's into it. Okay, no.
See, without that, it's better. That's insane.
Why would you add that? Because you got the dynamic
between him and his... He has to tell his old
lady. Who gives a fuck? This is a game. Bitch.
We're gaming. But that's the whole debate. You're
busting nuts, though. We're gaming. Oh, I wonder,
do you really bust? You don't know what I'm gaming.
Does it come out physically? Well, you know,
like a wet dream, probably. But that means it's
coming out. You're probably so horny that you
might cum in your pants type shit, is how I imagine
it. This is going to be our experiment that we
run when this technology becomes available. And
Brandon, you're in, dude. So whenever next time
you put those things on, the only thing you're
going to see is him as the incredible mom. You'll
only see Chun -Li. No, the incredible's mom.
Yeah, the Miss Incredible. I know, but I'm still
not going to enjoy it. I know, but I'm like,
I know this is JJ right here. Dude, but if I
was Miss Incredible, I could jerk you off from
like 25 feet away. Still no, man. This is JJ,
man. He can sit in it. He can sit in it. I'm
sorry, because once you take off this thing,
you'll be like, man, that was a good game. We
don't have to be in the same room. We can play
online. We can be in your house. We're still
going to come across one day and I'll be like,
hey, man, good game. I'm good. Good game. I'm
good. I just won't tell you if I find you. I'll
make a different account. Would you be hurt if
you found out if you were doing this? It's just
like you're just doing it online. You don't know
who it is. You think it's that, and then you
find out it's JJ. Would you be mad? Yeah, I'd
be like, damn. What if I didn't know it was you
either? That is kind of like buying an OnlyFans
of someone you know under a burner account, which
I've done, and I'm sorry. You know what I mean?
What? She knows it's me. She probably knows it's
me. She probably has a feeling. Do you message?
Not on that one. What do you mean? Not on that
site. This is all in the past. I'm a taken man
now. Buddha. Buddha? AAPI month. I forgot about
that. Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day out there.
To all the mamas. Love you mama. Love your mom.
No. No, my mom doesn't watch this either, man.
She shouldn't. Someone asked my mom if she's
ever, or someone told my mom, because she works
at the Orion, and they were like, oh, you know
Alex is your son? Oh, I've seen his comedy. And
my mom was like, uh -huh, I haven't. Damn. It
was pretty funny. I'm like, no, I like that.
That's hilarious. Like, keep not seeing me, because
that's a funny response. I like that. But also,
that's not for her. Tell me about egg drop soup.
Everything's not for everybody. Yeah. Egg drop,
what is it? Oh, yeah, it's hot and sour soup.
Oh, yeah. That's mostly true, that joke. Oh,
okay. Oh, no, I have heard that. That's not me
just being racist. I thought it was for a second.
I had to remember the joke. I thought it was
like, damn, you just called your mom egg drop
soup? Jesus Christ, dude. That would be over
the line, dude. Way over the line. It would.
And you know me. I stay on this side of the line.
Yeah, always. Oh, wow. Dude, if you can't talk
about it, we'll cut it out. Can you talk about
the murder that you witnessed? The murder that
I witnessed? Yeah. Are you talking about the
animal variety? Yes. Yeah, dude. Okay, so I knew
somebody. I'm not going to say how I know this
person. Okay, yeah, that's good. But recently,
in a professional setting, I saw a man put a
turtle into a garbage disposal. Wow. And it,
like, exploded, man. A live one, too. Wow. It
wasn't dead. Damn, man. And it was a baby turtle.
What is wrong? Dude, I need you to understand
this man is going to do something. But in a weird
way, it wasn't him that I was as worried about
because everybody else did not really make it
seem like a big deal. And me on the inside, I
was kind of like, what the fuck? Kinda? I'm worried
about you, motherfucker. When you told us, I
was really worried about you. Like, this is a
crazed man. Well, see, JJ can hang with that
type, though. Yeah. That's my gang initiation.
Yeah, you would look like you would do that.
They won't even make you do it because they would
just assume you would. Damn, man. So you know
why he did it? Was he like a Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle fan? Wanted to shred it? Like shred it
or something? That's perfect. That's actually
perfect. I don't think it was that. No. But...
I don't know why he did it, Brandon, to be honest.
It was just so random. He's got a stable person,
though, right? No, he's a weird dude outside
of that. Very quiet until he's not, and usually
when he speaks, I'm left with more questions
than answers. I helped a turtle across the street
today. Oh, nice. See? Opposite of the spectrum.
That's better. Heroism. And then I made a soup.
I don't know. I was like, why'd they waste that
fucking meat, dude? Damn. Yeah, right, because
you can't get anything out of that. You can't.
That's crazy. They do make turtle soup. No, out
of a garbage. If you hit it in the garbage, and
then shit just started flying everywhere. Yeah,
it wasn't contained in the garbage. Wait, wait,
wait. There was shrapnel. Oh, God, dude. This
dude is sick. Did it make a noise because it
hissed at me when I picked it up with the paper
towel? It didn't make. The only noise, I don't
think it really made the noise. I think the noise
was done. It didn't make the noise. The noise.
It made it, but not in an active way. Like a
passive, it just got crushed. Much like a human
body makes a thud when it hits the ground. This
turtle made a noise. Yeah, but it wasn't like
screaming or anything. Oh, man. That would have
been too much. I can handle gruesome turtle death,
but if it starts making noises, that's when I'm
out. Yeah, because they're just like a rock,
right? Just a rock. You start yelling, help me
and shit. Help! Help! I can talk! Help me! I
used a paper straw this morning. Damn, man. One
for one. I wish it worked like that. Oh, Lord.
It was crazy. I would ask why. People cried.
It was bad. I thought you said no one cared.
But it was the only woman in attendance. She
was written off as hysterical immediately. Did
she do that scream when somebody gets hurt? Somebody
lost it. Yeah, because I was fucking insane.
Yeah, what did she say though? I have to later
be like, she's a fucking pussy. I would report
that. to some agency. That's not okay. Dude,
they said like, they were saying slurs when I
was cutting fruit at IGA and I just walked out.
I was like, these fucking... Where's IGA? Yeah,
the white trash. Yeah, man, what'd they say?
Yeah, what slurs? Not against any of y 'all.
Let's just say that. Oh, okay. Ooh, Asians? No,
no, no, no. So none of us? Oh, Pakistani. Well,
maybe, maybe Brandon. Oh, well, his own... Gay
slurs. They have nothing to do with me. Yeah,
we know. We believe you. No, I was just... Nothing
wrong with that. No, but it was like egregiously.
I would say it's a little worse than the turtle.
What's IGA? What? Hold on, hold on. What'd you
say is worse than the turtle? Saying gay slurs?
No, no. That's a woke podcast. It was a gay turtle.
Life was lost. He let a dude pick him up. We're
anti -PETA pro -gay. But fuck PETA. Dude, we're
like Caitlyn Jenner, but different. We're like
Caitlyn Jenner, but different. Yeah, yeah, like
weird. We're just confusing. Our politics are
just confusing. Pure anarchist. Yeah, but you
can't execute a turtle and then just expect people
to go back. No. Yeah, that causes, yeah, that's
an hour of your time. That's the second death
I've seen in Nashville, dude. Damn, man. One
was a human. Yeah. One was a turtle. Which one?
Taunted. I don't have to go back, so. Oh, dude,
we should definitely do Kill Tony, though, when
it comes back to Nashville, and we should take
you. Because you're going to get picked, and
you're going to shoot up the venue. Oh, man.
I'm going to be executed on stage. They just
do an ISIS execution? That's what it has devolved
to by then? Yeah. Tony's just like... Kill this
queer. Dude. Carson Elmore is going to say it
was staged. Ace will be like, it's a false flag.
It was Ace that killed me. It's a false flag.
A mile away with a sniper rifle he built. He
built. That's crazy. Out of Legos from the new
store, Bridge Street, which you can check out.
Is it open? Yeah, it's open. My friends took
their kids and said it was good. Legos are cool.
You still do Legos? Oh, man, it's expensive,
man. I can't afford to do that. They're a little
cheaper now. I feel like they used to be more
expensive, but they're a little more reasonable
when I pass them. The pink tax applies to Legos
heavily, dude. Really? Yeah. The fuck is a pink
tax? It's like products geared to be more feminine,
or like pink and coloration, or just anything
more feminine costs more. And just because they
have females? Just because it's pink. Kids? Damn.
Like, pins and stuff are really bad. Like, you
can get a two -pack of Bic pins for, like, $4.
But the girls would. And they said with the Lego
thing, it's like an attempt to keep women out
of STEM or something. I don't know if that's
true. Women out of STEM? Science and engineering.
Oh, okay. They've done a great job with the black
community. Thanks, Obama. That's the craziest.
Roblox. Have you been seeing the Italian brain
rot stuff, Dom? The Italian brain rot memes?
This is like something I wasn't even privy to.
Have you seen this? I might know what you're
talking about. It's just like AI generated Italian
brain rot memes. I've seen fat n -word coin.
I've seen that a lot. Have you all seen that?
Fat nigga coin? You sound like the guy. Fuck
you, Alec. No, but yes. Yeah, when you said that,
yes. But I realized how funny that was when I
said it. Hold on. I've seen like... We're throwing
a lot at them. We're throwing a lot at them.
I've seen like a page where they like have a
thing where they'll be like, man, we just a bunch
of fat niggas on a boat. Yeah, I know. One could
be your uncle. We gonna buy the solar system.
Yeah, I've seen that. Yeah, I've seen those.
Those are funny. Yeah, those are good. Have you
ever seen the video of the dude who's like, I'm
just an N -word with a rocket launcher? No. I
love that video. That's the one we have. Probably
gangs or whatever. He's walking around with it.
Hey, nice. He typed it this time. Hell yeah,
Brandon. Yeah, yeah. Good shit. Ooh, that boy
go. There it is. There it is. I don't know why
it's funny to me. That's the meme. It was just
on it, yeah. Right here? Yeah. Oh, dude, that's
the dude from Loiter Squad. I don't think that's
it. Oh, shit. Oh, nah, nah. Back out? Yep. Let's
get back. And then that one. Oh, that's a gif,
though. Is this on National Geographic? Here,
go to Google. Type in Google, and then search
on there. You have to type it in, though, because
it's not on Google. Okay, hold up. I'll say Google
is the default. So this is not in any third world
country? This is just here? This is America?
This video? Yeah. No. This is definitely overseas.
Oh, okay, okay. Wait, does he say this? Yeah.
Oh, but he says it in a... He's a race. But he
says it with an accent, right? It's not like
a good... No, he sounds American as fuck. Oh.
Don't tell me just over there... So is it Johnny
Somali? Who has like 30... Dude, Vitaly and Johnny
Somali. He says who he is. He does? Yeah. Okay,
okay. Yeah, it is. It's an N -word with a rocket.
Y 'all ready? Yeah. I'm just a nigga with a rocket
launcher. Oh, no, I know exactly what this is.
What is that? This is from Loiter Squad because
this is that same... Oh, that's a scene from
Loiter. I thought this was real the whole time.
That's the scene that Tyler the Creator and them
did. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah, we're
seeing pictures of it now. Yeah, I saw this episode.
Yeah, Loiter Squad's fun. It was like a rap video
they were making. He was the young N -word, right?
I thought this was an African -American soldier.
Is this somewhere else? That's from Adult Swim.
They did send the Cholos over there to the...
El Salvador? No. To Afghanistan. He was like,
I'm just a Cholo. And he was just pop, pop, pop,
just shooting over there. Really? Yeah, the wrecked
shot. I don't know if they made it back or not.
Oh, dude, your people are going at it. Who? Both
your people, the Pakistanis and the Indians.
The Pakistanis and the Indians, dude. It's always
got to be somebody I look like since 2001, man.
I know, right? Can't catch a break. Can't catch
a break. It's hard when you can be all of them.
Yeah. I'm scared to go to Mexico, dude. I'm going
to Mexico in a month. Damn. What if I lose my
passport? No way they believe me. I'm bigger,
though. We can vouch for you. We'll be like,
we know. What would I do? Well, yeah, you guys
are kind of... I'm laying low. I can't believe...
I'll vouch for you. I'll write a letter to Trump
and be like, look, he's one of the good ones.
Dude, we do a pro -Trump episode if Dom gets
a hell of a... Oh, what if you go to a Salvador
Dom? Oh, my God. Alex with the sprout on a MAGA
hat? That would be so fun. That would be the
shit. I'd be hardcore MAGA if he got me out of
that bitch. I didn't know it. Dude, if he parked
you, I would lose every single moral fiber. Dude,
I love Donald Trump. Well, first of all, we'd
have to be because we're on his radar then. Like,
we kind of got to fucking... Dude, I'd be all
ears. I'd be saying shit I did not believe. We
would be on a stream with Aiden Ross. I'd be
saying a lot of that. Dude, in suits, looking
like the frattiest fucking... We would get to
meet Aaron. How sick would that be? You think
he has a personality or anything? I bet Baron's
pretty cool. You guys think he's cool? I think
he can hang. I don't think he's going to be the
life of the party. I think he'd be a good character
to have. I couldn't see him here, but if we went
there, I feel like he'd hang with us for a little
bit. I think he wants to get out of there with
all the rich and hang out with normal people.
He wants to write a movie. About Baron Trump's
day out. Ooh, that's good. That's good. Baron's
day off. He takes a Cybertruck and a Ferrari.
They disguise him like they did in the olden
days, you know, when the princess wanted to go
have a good time with the common folk. Yeah.
And they just threw. We do a makeover. And he
does look like. He does look like a kid, like
two kids in a trench coat. Yeah. He does look
like that. He's 78 feet tall. Yeah, how the fuck
is he so tall? Because he's tall. Breeding experiment.
Yeah. Trump's like 6 '3". Breeding. That's still
tall. And his wife's like 5 '11". Oh, she's tall,
too. Okay, okay. Eastern Bloc. Yeah, what happened
to the rest of them? They're probably like 6
'3", too, though, huh? And they had a different
mom. I don't know. The others had different moms.
Trump was still on that code. She weren't a model.
Oh my god! That picture of him smiling, dude,
is wild. He looks like Rocky Horror, almost.
That's a crazy smile. Dude, that's Joffrey. His
teeth are extremely white. You think they're
dentures? Already? Just to be perfect? Yeah.
Oh my god, we have so much to talk about. Dude,
so much has fucking happened. We have so much
to talk about, dude. What else happened? I don't
think we talked about the Kanye song. Which one?
Oh, my God. Which one? Is it Nigga Hill Hiller?
I just heard a snippet of it. It's HH, so let's
be radio friendly. HH? Oh, yeah. It's the radio
friendly version. I had to process what HH was.
How much would it have taken you to be one of
the dancers that sang that? Dude, with the cameras
just hanging on their face. You wouldn't do it
for any amount of money? Well, yeah. Dude. First
of all, it would be hilarious if my life came
to that. $12 ,000. Guess. Yeah. Yeah, I would
do it. Guess who co -wrote the album. Who? You
will never guess. It is a rapper. It's a rapper?
It is a rapper. That's a good guess. No, no.
It is not Bloody Bongo. Each guess. Each guess.
Logic. No. That'd be amazing. No. I'll give you
one. Eminem. Method Man. No, Dave Bluntz. For
real? Swear to God. Dave Bluntz is credited as
co -writer on Cuck, which is the album's name,
by the way. What's wrong? Hey, they got the real
in me, man. Oh, Dave, big fat boy. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. You say pat fat? No, I said
fat fat, but that's funny. That's funny. I mean,
I can see that. One of the first clip I saw him,
he was like, and he was a pedophile. They party
together. Dave's on the oxygen tank. Kanye's
on the nitrous tank. Dude, so that, it's all
funny, except the every verse in each song that's
about nitrous. That's very sad. It's like he's
clearly addicted to nitrous. Yeah, somebody needs
to do what they did with Britney until they let
her go and see what happened to her. Smacking
knives on her ass and yachts. But they gotta
take him in. Like, he's crazy right now. Did
you hear the Cousins one? How has he not been
51 -50 yet? Huh? How has he not been 51 -50 yet?
I don't know. He's a billionaire. He's a billionaire.
But I feel like they could get him at this point.
Look what he's saying. He would have to get somebody
to hurt somebody or something like that. But
he's been crazy for, like, two decades. Yeah.
It's just gotten progressively worse. Yeah. And
then he's doing the Nitro shit, and that shit
make you dumb, man. Like, did you hear the Cousins
one? No, I didn't listen to her you did you did
have a cousin? Bro pull up cousins. We ain't
gonna put boy. I'll bleep it out. Let's just
not talk while it's Siling it huh is this dude.
Yeah, dude. This song is probably the biggest
in the world right now It's it's insane, but
it's it, but it's just click. We'll just clear.
Yeah, it'll be bad audio cuz it's probably copyrighted,
but I like that it's like a kid's bop. What the
hell? Yeah, trans man, trans man. That's what
he was. He's still a genius. Dude, play Last
Call after this and we'll see how far he's fallen.
It is horribly sad when you listen to the music
quality. You ready for Last Call yet? Yeah, you
can edit. Wow. Now we're going to be able to
play neither one of them. Yeah, fuck it, fuck
it, fuck it. God, it's awful. It is good, though.
God, awful. It is fun. It's a fun song. It's
a troll. It's a troll. It's a troll. It's a light
song. That should go viral on TikTok, right?
It has. Well, I mean, you probably can't play
it on TikTok. I gave my cousin head the chorus.
It's every porn video's family member. But I
don't think on TikTok you can say things. I think
TikTok specifically. Reels, maybe. Oh, okay.
It could be fine. I think this is good for the
culture. I think we need a little bit of a reset.
White. This is white. That's not good. Did that
to Kanye. Yep. And this is the prime example.
I'm just supporting a black artist. I think you
guys are being pretty hateful about this whole
situation. He gave his cousin head. That's not.
No. He also said hell Hitler. Oh, that too. That's
secondary. That's secondary. Okay. It's crazy.
What if it was his female cousin? Female cousin.
Still not good. But better. No. But better. That's
exactly. That's exactly. That's crazy. Yeah.
Which one's crazier, though? Which one is crazier?
Oh, yeah, he didn't say male head. Huh? Yeah.
You can give a woman head. No, it was a dude.
It was a dude. I'm trying to help you, con man.
I'm trying. Nah, nah. Next album. Next album.
Are we just listening about a dude getting molested?
No, I think he was old. They both was either
the same age or I think he was older. Kanye was
doing the... I think this is trolled. Well, I
would say that if he wasn't doing everything
else he's doing. I think this is real. He's trying
to be maybe a troll, but I think this is just
a mental crisis. No, it's real. It's absolutely
real. But he's doing the song to be a troll.
He didn't have to tell nobody. He didn't have
to tell anybody about this. It is funny that
he was like, people told me to take this to the
grave. Now 400 million people have heard this.
I mean, you ain't got to tell everybody everything.
He's already said everything else. He might as
well just run it into the ground as far as possible.
He has the platform to do something nobody else
can do right now. He could just. I don't know.
We hear jokes about comedians who jokes about,
oh, what if OnlyFans model has a kid? And it's
like, fucking this is the real. OnlyFans model's
fine compared to this kind of fucking. This dude
went to the core of the earth. He didn't just
dig a hole. Oh, shit. Damn. You got deep. He
passed the lava, everything. We're talking about
the core of the earth. Yes. Passed all of that.
Damn. That's where he should have buried it.
Man, yeah. Should have stopped a long time ago.
Man, we learned something new. Yep. What did
you learn today? We learned that he likes his
guy cousin. Well, no, he said he didn't like
it in the song. Oh, he didn't like it, so he
just did it to do it. For the love of the game.
Yeah. That's not it. I don't know what game we're
even playing. What game is this? I wish I could
go back to September 10th, 2001, so I could warn
people about Kanye. Okay, wow. Can you imagine
those people's lives? Like, one day, this crazy
lunatic warns them about Kanye, and the next
day, the World Trade Center's fall. Like, those
people would kill themselves. Like, what the
fuck? What would they ask and be like, is there
anything else that's going to happen? Are you
going to say anything else? What other facts
would you drop on them? Gays can marry. Okay,
yeah, that'd be fun. I would love to tell them
about Bruce transitioning into Caitlin. That'd
be pretty good. Like, the guy that just won the
gold medal? Yeah. They wouldn't believe that.
Bruce doing that, Kanye. Bill Cosby. Cosby's
going to rock their fucking world, dude. Well,
they got other things to deal with. Let them
get one tragedy at a time. Wait, so what if I
told you I got to go to my job at the World Trade
Center tomorrow? Would you warn me then? I'd
be like, what floor? I wouldn't put you out of
commission, but I wouldn't tell you. I would
just make it to where you couldn't go to work
tomorrow. Oh, okay. And I'd be like, what floor?
Yeah, what floor? Like, bottom ten? I bet I'd
be slick about it. I'd be like, man, I get a
lot of flights. You got to walk up then, right?
I'm cleaning the roof. How close are you to the
roof? You're the roof cleaner of the World Trade
Center. I don't know if you'd know what was happening.
The window guy. I mean, the worst job ever. Good
God. Do you see a plane coming at you? You already
don't want to be there. And then he starts wiping.
Damn, start wiping harder. Wipe it faster. Tomorrow's
going to be so fucking terrible. It's going to
be a mess tomorrow. We'll think of a clever line.
Do you think the world's ready for a World Trade
Center comedy? At this point, fuck it, right?
Dude, if you just make a comedy. Airplane 2 is
actually crazy. JJ, you might have just stopped
the pod. We're fucking writing this. Brandon,
start typing. Oh, fuck. Dude, we were talking
about this on Saturday. Would you... It's crazy
we're talking about 9 -11 right now. We were
talking about it on Saturday. And it was, would
you guys... We know Pat, so we'll put a picture
of him up here. Would you eat Pat's asshole?
That was the only way you could... And they would
go back in time and save everybody in 9 -11.
I'm sorry. Would you eat Pat's asshole to save
2 ,000 people? Why do I have to eat his ass?
It's just the magic in this universe. Yeah, in
this universe, that's what happens. That's sad!
That is sad that it's come to this. Eating patch
ass is 2 ,998 calories. I had a calorie a person,
dude. Jesus Christ, that's so funny. So, Brandon,
you? This is crazy. Yes and no. Can I pretend?
No, you got to get up in there. And no prep.
He gets no prep. Somebody got to sit there and
watch me do it? Yeah. It's like a seasoned grill.
You would have to, right? What would happen if
9 -11 never happened? Would society be better?
What if the world's worse? What if he eats his
ass? I'm not eating that ass. I like this world
now. Thank you, man. That's a good logic. He
just didn't want to do it. You kind of jumped
at that one. Oh, my God. You could have played
it off better. Nah, man, we're going to eat this
ass and see what happens. Is it guaranteed the
world will be a better place? No. No, just guarantee
that 9 -11 didn't happen. And that, to me, seems
like a genie. That's a genie playing a trick
on me. You never know what could happen. But,
dude, the airports would have been way better.
It just happens the next day. It just turns into
9 -12. And Pat's just like... And they're like,
let's go celebrate. Remember that time you ate
my ass to stop 9 -11? Simon. I'll bleep that.
You know how we could prevent? We could have
prevented 9 -11 by putting Pat's shoes in front
of the building. Dude, the tongues alone are
fucking deflecting fucking blades. What did he
say, like riot shields? His tongues look like
riot shields. That's a crazy roast. Oh, Lord.
I like it because of the racial implications.
Yeah, I don't know. I would not eat Pat's ass
if it wasn't guaranteed. Well, it's guaranteed
that 9 -11 won't happen. Yeah, so you saved 2
,000 -something people that day. Who the fuck
knows? You don't know. Yeah, that's what the
world is. That's the thing. Yeah, what if they
were all Hitlers? Well, first of all, there would
be no Twilight, right? Was that the one that
was based, like, 9 -11 inspired the lady to write
it? It was either that or Fifty Shades of Grey.
Who gives a fuck? So we wouldn't have one of
those. Yeah. You don't think 2 ,000 people had
jobs to work on those movies? That's true. Man.
Is a job worth a life? He'll find another one.
Yeah, that's a good question. I don't know. I
mean, can I do it like halfway and then just
one of them? What is halfway? What do you want
to do halfway? What's halfway, dude? Just one
half of the ass. Oh, dude. How do you think eating
ass works? Well, I would just focus on that half.
First of all, are you laying him on his side?
What are you talking about? Like half of what?
Is he on his back? Are you talking about half
of an asshole? Yeah. You talking about biting
his ass? Are you talking about chewing this dude's
ass? Well, you got to eat it, bro. No, not eating,
like chewing. Yeah, what would you do to it?
How would you do it? Eating his ass? I thought
that you guys talked about life. Explain this
the normal way. The normal way, somebody will
clean it out. Then you open it and just go on
in there. It's kind of like I guess eating old
cat if you know what I mean. But in a reverse
way. You're going in that ass. Do you go circles
or you go up and down on the ass? You got to
go up and down, right? You got to go up and down.
What's this? This is crazy. I don't know what
the meta is right now. This is crazy. It's just
like the kitchen, am I right? Can't cross -contaminate.
Yep, you can't. Yeast infection. But you can
go one back. You can go back that way. You can
go pussy to ass. Yeah. But you can't, shouldn't
go ass to pussy. Well, it depends on what's going
down. Yeah, I mean, if y 'all are nasty. Yeah,
yeah. Sometimes you're spitting the mouth out.
I don't like that. No, the mouth's fine. I like
that. That's a final destination. You don't like
kissing? I was kidding. You don't like kissing
him after? After you. What the hell? After she
eats your ass. You don't like that thing? Oh,
not the ass necessarily. I've never gotten my
ass. Oh, yeah. I was talking about the ass, though.
I mean, I would. I would. No chance I'm ever
kissing her again. First of all, she's going
to smile and blood's going to come out of her
mouth. It's going to look like Carrie. She's
a black eye and everyone gave her a fucking black
eye. Her eyebrows and eyelashes have disintegrated
off of her face. She looks like Matthew Tate.
Oh, shit. Damn. Dropping bars. Tales from the
Crypt. Hey, shout out. Shout out. Oh, my God.
How do you feel about that? How do I feel about
what? Ass eating? What are we talking about?
Well, you already explained how to do it. Yeah.
And you bet your ass I imagined Pat in front
of you. Yeah, that's what I think we all were
imagining. The logistics are different with Pat.
Well, you got to think about positioning. Well,
I mean, once he's in it, he's in whatever position.
No, but you still got to hold it open. There's
going to be breaks. Pat's going to need breaks.
Brakes? Unless there's a device holding him open.
Oh, this is bad. What do you mean, brakes? He's
going to need a brake. If he's, like, if he's
exerting... Oh, he's going to need a brake. He's
going to need brakes. Snack brake, man. This
is crazy to talk about. Yeah, this is wild. This
is, like, just hearing it. Brandon's going to
be spraying water in his face. Brandon's not
going to be there. He's like, you got this. You
got to dig deep. Oh, no. No, that's his own adventure.
I'm good. I already said it. Hey, I'm sorry.
No. No, no. Brandon, what if there was like a
one in three chance you had to eat Pat's ass,
but the other two chances were that you got $10
million? Ooh, that's good. You just press a button,
and it's like a slot machine. It just goes beep,
beep, beep, and it gets won. Wait, if I eat the
ass, do I get another attempt? Because if I don't,
I'm never pressing that fucking button. If this
is a MrBeast video, you could do it again, but
then you would have to, like, I don't know, do
something as a consolation to, like, earn it.
Well, no, I'm fine with, I like just, I just,
if I land on eat ass, I get to spin again, but
I have to eat ass. But I get to spin again. No.
Why? Because then the question would just be,
would you eat Pat's ass? Or how many times would
you reasonably eat it before you got the money?
Would you go back for seconds? Did you get 20
if you went back for seconds? No, after you win
the money, no. What if after the shit, Pat cleans
his ass how he just normally does? But it's up
to 15 million. Oh, God. Would you do it, though?
Would you hit the button? Again, only if I get
the spin again. One and three. You said you wouldn't
do it. But if you get it on the first try, you
get a power -up. So you can either get one baby
wipe or five seconds of a bidet. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. This is going to be what Dante
say, wet shitty ass. That's what it's going to
be. You wouldn't do it. Because, dude, those
things are set for you to fail. It's literally
one out of three, dude. It's just literally one
out of three, man. The house always wins. Brandon
is right. I'm like, dude. Okay, so if you win,
you got life -changing generational money. But
if you lose, you just have to fucking... A face
full of ass with dirt in it. Think about eating
ass. That's not that bad. Eating past ass. You
probably, it wouldn't be mostly flesh. I feel
like it'd be like eating cotton candy. Well,
can I eat? No, man. Stop. Let's retire. That's
it. That's it. That's a wrap. Now, I'm sorry,
Pat. I know he's seeing this. I can't get it
out of my head. I don't like it here. Now we're
going to have nightmares. Salty cotton candy.
That's the worst. That's the worst. This was
not my idea. You guys took it here? I'm just
going with it. I looked at Brandon and said,
I think I made a mistake. Oh, my God. That hurt.
That last one hurt. We talked about it. It hurt
my brain. I don't want to think. Brandon, what
you talking about? What was I talking about?
I forgot. Alex, what'd you say? What I've been
up to. Oh, I've been watching, I've been seeing,
you watch The Last of Us, any of you? Nope. No?
Only Dom? I've watched the first season. I haven't
caught up on the second one yet. It's a video
game show, zombies and shit. Mushroom zombies.
Y 'all had to play the game, right? No, I haven't
played the game. I didn't play it, but I watched
a playthrough on YouTube. I check it out. I like
the story. I don't care to play it myself. A
lot of stuff in there. You should watch the show.
You might like this show. Drew? I never thought
about that. I heard there's gays. I heard about
that, too. I was like, JJ's not watching it because
they changed that one bit. Me and Brandon are
boycotting the show, dude. I heard about that.
Or you mean woman -cotting. Look. You would never
boycott. True. I'm trans -cotting the show. Oh,
nice. But the gays in the first one, it's one
of the most beautiful love stories. I swear to
God. It's magical. It's like you get the same
feeling as when Spider -Man died. Infinity War.
Hard? I didn't see Infinity War. Wait, what?
I don't know. It's like Spider -Man. That's what's
up. Okay, what's a movie that... You remember
Free Willy? Y 'all never seen it. No, I've never
seen it. What's an emotional movie that you watch
and you're like, it almost got you to tear up
or it got you to tear up? The Boy in the Striped
Pajamas. There you go, like that. I haven't seen
that one. Let me think. I just saw it. Yeah.
We should want you never sniffled in a movie.
No, I have I'm just trying to think of a good
one Garfield I Guess I just saw gladiator 2 and
then when they like don't know I haven't seen
it yet. Don't spoil We just bought a movie for
at least the episode earlier. Sorry about that
Amazing Yeah, so that. Yeah, there we go. It
makes you feel like that. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah.
You should watch it, Brandon. I'll check it out.
It might make you like him more because he's
like regular people. I mean, I'm cool with everybody.
I'm just kidding out there. Brandon's not homophobic.
It's a zombie apocalypse. Yeah. Your options
are limited. Okay. Would you fuck a man, human,
or a female zombie? Female zombie. Would you
turn into a zombie? I mean, neither. You don't
stop saying neither. You got two choices. I got
to pick one. I guess female zombie. He'll become
a zombie boy. That's crazy. That's so funny.
Oh, I got to pick one. The female one. The one
with the rotting flesh. Hey, pussy's pussy. And
is this just you have to do it? Is there a prize
for this one? There's no money? Or you'll die.
Okay. Well, I guess you die if you're... Yeah,
I have you at gunpoint. Yeah, sure. Okay, yeah.
I guess the dude, then. Yeah. I don't want to...
The zombie would probably smell really bad. And
you're probably going to turn into a zombie if
you fuck a zombie. It's an STD. What if you have
a kid? What? Oh, that's like in 28 Weeks Later.
Is that what that movie's about? The second one.
It's a trimester? The second one, yeah. I haven't
seen it. Oh, 28 years later coming out soon.
Yeah, I can't wait to see that. You've seen the
first one 28 days later? Back in the day. I mean,
we'll watch it again. Yeah, because they didn't
fucking have it out on anything for like 15 years
or something like that. Like streaming -wise.
Or written it. You just had to have a DVD or
something? Yeah, if you had the old DVD, yeah.
But then they re -released it. Yeah, it was days,
years, or wait, days, weeks, then years. What's
old buddy's name? Cillian Murphy. Yeah, Cillian.
Good. killian murphy is this just like a zombie
apocalypse yeah in england yeah but it's like
one of the best it's this one's good if the second
one's it's all right but uh i just get so frustrated
with kids man i just like Y 'all sit your little
asses down somewhere. It's a fucking zombie apocalypse
out there. Oh, I want to go ride my bike. Shut
the fuck up. Yeah, I agree with that. What are
you talking about? I'll break your legs. I agree
with that. God. That's why you got to beat these
kids. I bet their parents weren't beating them.
I agree. They weren't beating them. I agree.
Brandon, you wouldn't have ran out there. No,
I wouldn't have ran out there. And you got your
ass beat many a time. Yes, I did. Ladies and
gentlemen, the cycle continues. I do. Hey. I'm
glad we were. Yeah. I'm ready to get riled up
about that. Oh, yeah, I agree, man. There's a
lot of people out here. Don't get that. Are you
going to whoop your kids when you have them?
I hope I don't have them. Not that you don't
want to have kids. Not anytime soon. Yeah, yeah,
but I'm just saying eventually. I mean, it depends.
When you're 45. What are they doing? What's the,
what, how are they acting up? They just fuck?
No. Jesus Christ. I'm going to give them a bottle
of nitrous. Not with each other. No. They did
something. They did something. Okay, they wrecked
your car. They're 12 years old. They stole your
car, and they wrecked it. Or how about a hole,
burned a hole in your car, a big -ass hole? Wreck
the car seems, I would be the case for that.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, a big thing. Burnt
the hole, something that you told them not to
do, and then they did it. Yeah, you have to get
hit for that. Like something that major you have
to hit. I'd call the police. That's when gentle
parenting goes out the window. Yeah. You stealing
cars, you get your ass whooped. I'd put him in
the system. I'd be like a Dr. Phil parent, dude.
I don't know what I did wrong. I can just imagine,
like, dropping him off and, like, seeing another
inmate and just whispering to him, I won't press
charges. Damn. Good God. Beat his fucking ass.
Well, don't, you know. Don't touch him. Yeah.
Just beat him. Just hurt him. Hit him with a
pipe. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Not that
pipe. He just comes back. He's a white supremacist
now. He's just in the pecker woods or whatever.
He looks like Harry Potter in that one movie.
What are you screaming? Oh, dude. I love when
straight actors go to a racist role. That's where
you know if they got chops. Adam Driver, Daniel
Radcliffe. Leo. Leo. Some people just take more
naturally to it than others. Yeah. The whites.
Dude, did you guys see that? Somebody was like,
they were like trying to bring Harvey Weinstein
back because they said it's not enough good looking
actresses in Hollywood now. They were like, Harvey
would have never let this happen. Damn. But sometimes
it's like. Like, they were talking about The
Last of Us, right? First of all, the girl in
there, the girl from there is fucking from Game
of Thrones. She was a badass. And then, like,
they're like, she's not even hot. I'm like, this
is supposed to be a kid. The girl that plays
that, that's what I was about to say. Isn't she,
like, 16 years old or something? Yeah. I played
the game for, like, 30 minutes. And when watching
the first, it's a fucking kid. So you're like,
she's not hot? That's their argument. That's
sad. It's not good. Jesus. I don't think he's
hot either. Speaking of that, did you see Kevin
Spacey's back on the movie? Oh, shit. What's
the movie? I bet it'll be good. Let me see. 17.
He's a monster of an actor. 17? What? Let me
see Kevin Spacey. Oh, is this about the French
Revolution? Yeah, it's like around that time.
Oh, when it was legal. 1780. 14 -year -old. That
was the... Yeah, and he's like some country dude.
See? He looks goopy. He looks like Joe Exotic
to Grandpa. Why did he pick this role to come
back on? Well, he was in another movie that made
literally like $400 because only like two theaters
released it type shit. Yeah. He was a great actor.
I love historical thrillers. Such an underrated
genre, dude. Yeah, go back to All and go to Revolutionary.
Gore. Revolutionary Gore. He's playing Gore Vidal?
Isn't he also another sex defender? Or am I being
goofy? Wait, let's see who Gore Vidal is. Life
imitates art. Let me search it up. I might be...
Is he a sex... Is Spacey a sex defender? He touched
a boy, right? He did? He's been civilly convicted.
Oh, okay. I don't think criminally because it's
like beyond... Okay, click on his Wikipedia.
Holy shit, this dude right there says sexual
stuff. No, it don't for real? I don't know. Where
is it at? His novels and essays interrogated
the social and sexual norms he perceived as driving
a narrow American life. Go down to, let's see,
views, politics. Sexuality, personal life. Yeah,
go down to personal life. Rape case. Where? The
first one. Holy shit. Okay. Oh, with the Polanski?
Dude. Oh, no. Roman Polanski? Is that Roman?
Yep. What'd he do with Polanski? Oh, God. This
is newer. Vidal spoke about topical and cultural
matters. The rest of Roman Polanski in Switzerland
in September responded... Anti -Semitism. I don't
really give a fuck. Look, I'm going to sit and
weep every time a young hooker feels as though
she's been taken advantage of. Oh, no. And that
was in 2009. You should never put those two words
together. Once you're a hooker, you're old. Hooker
adds 20 years. Wait, I shouldn't say that. It
sounds fucked up. No, it has to. Just like drinking
and smoking does. Nah, true. Let's see. He was
a Scientologist. That's crazy. Oh, wow. Let's
see. He was in CBS Reports, The Homosexuals.
What? Oh, so he's crazy. Wow. Can we please do
a reaction video to that documentary? Oh, yeah.
CBS Reports, The Homosexuals. When was this?
1967. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. We need to watch that.
Yeah, that's going to be wild. That's going to
be crazy as hell. He's famously a gay politician,
although he says he's not gay, per se. Yeah,
apparently he doesn't care about Roman Polanski
banging children. Everybody has to take a stance,
and he didn't want to take that one. He fought
them. You can't be named Gore. Your name can't
be Gore. When you guys were saying that, I thought
you meant it was a gory movie. When did he die?
Dude, I thought this shit was based in the 1780s.
No, it was two separate ones. Did he write this
or something? Who? The Gore guy. Did he write
what? That Kevin Spacey thing. His movie? No.
The movie? No. It's a biopic or whatever. That's
weird because it's more in 1925. That's what
I'm saying. He died in 2012. It's a movie about
his life. Go back. The 1780 and this one are
two separate movies. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Spacey
also has another film, Gores. Oh, okay, okay.
Okay, I get it now. Okay. I was with you, Brandon.
I didn't know what was going on. AI is just trying
to advertise Kevin Spacey to us. No big deal.
Dude, AI is about to take over the world. They're
fucking with sewer plants. That's because you
put all the information of your sewer plant into
ChatGPT. Dude. How do I fix this? You're not
wrong. I don't believe you're wrong. But it's
not just me. You put shit in there, it's going
to get the information faster. It's just what
it's going to be from now on. I bet it's like
the simplest shit Dom's asking it. I don't know.
It's just literally just give me the wattage
and shit off of each thing. Just critical components
list, shit like that. Brandon, you got a critical
components list? No. The heart, liver, lungs.
Yeah. WWE. I was thinking EMT stuff. Oh, yeah.
Spine. Tibula. What would you do if you came
over and I just cracked my back right here? I'm
like, ah, I'm talking. I'm like, ah, my back.
I can't move, though. I can't feel my legs and
my arms. Oh, I can't do much. I'm going to have
to get them so they can come down there and mobilize
you and stuff. But I'm saying you. I'm just saying
right here, me and you. I'm just sitting here.
We're sitting here. I get up and then I fall
and break my back. Yeah, I'm going to. Because,
like, I can't do it. Because, like, what if you
have, like, some serious spinal injury? So I
have to get them to come down so they can mobilize
the spine. There you go. Yeah, yeah. That's what
I want to hear. I can't. Yeah, I can't really.
I can't do nothing. That's perfect. You can't
move them. Yeah, I can't move you. Like, I'm
going to just try to talk to you and get them
to get here. Can you get me apple juice? Sure.
Everything. We're going to do what we can. Don't
move. Just don't move. I hear that. Just start
crying. I'm about to die. It's time to cry. If
you have anything to say, now's the time. Anybody
want me to put on a speaker for you? I'm just
a normal bystander. This is me as a normal bystander,
man. He can't do that. He just puts Mike's heels
on. Oh, my God. No, no, no. Damn, bro. Let me
run this set by you real quick. I was laying
on the floor dying. Well, you ain't doing nothing.
What are you up? Pat walks in, he's like, man,
ain't this crazy that I see you dying right now?
That's great. Now he walks in, you could eat
that? Dom's dead body. He trips and falls on
me and somehow fixes me. You freaky Friday. That'd
be awesome, dude. That'd be a good sketch. We
do it like that movie with the kid who breaks
his arm and then pitches in the MLB. Oh, Perfect
Pitch. Perfect Pitch. Yeah, great movie. Something
like that. Yeah. There's so many good baseball
movies, man. Yeah. And it's still, like, worst
sport to watch. Right? Yeah. Very boring to watch.
But, dude, Mr. Baseball. I don't know that one.
It's with Tom Selleck. He goes and plays baseball
in Japan. He's just racist the whole time. Mr.
Baseball. Mr. Baseball. For real. For real? Oh.
Yes, Mr. Baseball. And then Disney made a movie.
Where they're about playing baseball in an internment
camp. Field of Dreams? No, that's not that. That's
just in somebody's backyard. That's the Allstate.
It's Japanese people in an internment camp, and
then they beat the guards in a game of baseball,
but they don't get set free. Damn. They're just
still in an internment camp. They don't go home.
That's a real story. They don't go home. They
get like two pieces of bread instead of one that
day. Two rices. That's the Allstate guy. Yeah,
that's what I was saying. That's Allstate Stan.
You mean the Shield guy. What? He was in the
Shield. Yeah, he was in the Shield too. I thought
that was Samuel L. Jackson. And where? I thought
you were talking about Marvel's The Shield. No,
no, no. The show The Shield. It was probably
out before he was born. Yeah, right. On like
Starz or some shit. I don't know what that was
on. Yeah, it wasn't on regular TV. It was on
a weird channel. Yeah. You seen Moneyball? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. That's a really good movie. I love
those movies. That dude is in the NFL, and he
pulled off the Deshaun Watson trade, I believe.
Oh, that guy? Really? Yeah, but he has two of
the worst trades in the history of the sport.
Oh, Seymour Hoffman, RIP. I mean, the Mavs GM
is making a run right now for worst trade ever.
But I don't know, because the dude... I don't
watch basketball. I ain't going to say I watch
basketball all the time, but I do watch the playoff.
This motherfucker, I mean, he ain't doing shit.
He can score. Okay, he can score, but that ain't
going to win you no championship. He went crazy
last year, but it looked like he don't give a
fuck. I don't know. I think, I mean, he got traded
way deep into the season, but to a team with
better players. But I don't know. I guess they
just didn't gel and it didn't work out. I thought
he was going to win the finals last year because
they made it. But Jason Tatum, the boring ass,
won. Yeah. Because, hey, that's real basketball.
Fundamentals, man. Yeah. I don't know. Dribbling?
It's so boring. Left -handed all the way up the
court just like that? Yeah. That's a movie 43
too. Dude, I'm telling you. Movie 43. Do yourselves
a favor. Go watch it. I kind of want to watch
it now. It got panned. It got panned so hard.
Like, they were like, it's the worst movie ever.
It's so good, though. I'd check it out. But what
were we just talking about? Basketball? Yeah,
the basketball. He's like, the last sketch is
Lawrence, what's his name? No, no. Man, Hustle
and Flow. Terrence Howard. Terrence Howard, he's
a basketball coach. He's like trying to give
them an inspirational speech. And the guys is
like, but those other boys are tough. He was
like, you're black. They're white. And they come
in and they're like, what is up, boy, negro.
They keep on calling them negro. He's like, they
look scary. He was like, stand up. How big is
your dick? He was like, a foot, a foot and a
half. He was like, damn, a foot and a half. He
was like, you can tie one hand behind your back
and dribble the ball with your dick and still
beat these motherfuckers. But the whole scene
is fucking crazy. You've probably seen it memed
or whatever. I've seen the homeschool bully.
Oh, the homeschool bully is crazy. I can't believe
they were able to put that out. That's like something
Matt TD would do. That's Liev Schreiber and Julia
Louis -Dreyfus, right? Who's that in that scene?
No, no, no. She's in Natalie. Okay. No, it's
got a movie 43. I can't remember her name, but
it's the dude who plays Sabretooth. Yeah, Liev
Schreiber. Yeah, Liev Schreiber. The boy is the
dude from The Bear. Shameless, lip shameless.
Jeremy Allen White. Yeah, him. And then the mom
is, she's like an Oscar winning actor too. Yeah.
Oh, and she kisses him? Dude. Oh, yeah, I've
seen that clip. Is it Anna Faris? I've just seen
that clip. No, she's in one of them. Oh, I totally
forgot about this. I saw that clip. Yeah. Yeah.
This is so funny. They're not showing the woman
for some reason. Oh, you want to? Yeah, go, go.
I want to see you. Oh, she's, yeah, she's in
a lot of shit. Yeah, she's in tons of shit. Yeah,
yeah. So, like, his parents bullied him? Yeah.
So he's homeschooled, but they're like, we want
to give him the real experience. Yeah, real high
school experience. So they do bully. They do
bully. They do dance. She dates his first kiss.
Yeah. They go full hog. Tom Brady did that. Probably.
I'm just kidding. I don't know nothing about
it. Would you ever kiss your son on the mouth?
No. No, hell no. For any circumstance? As a baby.
To save his life. I don't see a reason to kiss
him on the mouth. No. I mean, do a baby. I mean,
if he's like... Baby play? Nobody? Oh, no. You
know what I mean? You never played with a baby?
No. Okay. He's talking about playing, real playing.
I know what you mean. Like peek -a -boo. Like,
I mean, yeah. I got your nose. Yeah, yeah. So
what's that? Peek -a -boo. Yeah, peek -a -boo.
What was the thing you were doing before that?
What are you talking about? What was there when
you put your hands like this? I don't remember.
Kind of looked like you were going like this
a little bit. What is that? Was that special?
What were you going to say, Don? I don't know.
Was that like a special move or something? A
special move. It is special if you're doing two,
yeah. Oh, you guys, I'm telling you, you guys
are talking about something else. Now I get it.
I thought you guys were saying I was doing a
special gesture or something. He thought you
meant special needs. Like somebody doing. Which,
by the way, me and my wife scared the shit out
of one by accident walking in the neighborhood.
You scared a special needs person? Dude, not
on purpose. So me and her were walking the dog,
right? And then we were like, he was getting
the mail and he just slowly looked at us. And
then when we got closer, he just dropped his
mail, literally ran so fast that he kicked his
shoes off, so his shoes were still there. And
he ran to his house and hit something in the
garage, and we just heard a big noise. And he
just took off, so his mail was still there, and
his shoes were right there. And that's how fast
he ran. How did you know he was special needs?
Just the way, because he saw us and just threw
his mail up in the air and then kicked his shoes
off and ran and then busted it and hit something.
Was it a white guy? No, it was a black dude.
What? Yeah, they had, you know. You didn't know?
It looked like he had a bad colorway. I don't
know, man. It could have been Down syndrome.
Well, you could see. Yeah, yeah, it was Down
syndrome. We're just going to say that. Like,
straight up. Because I knew. Like, because, by
the way, how he was looking, I was like, ah,
man, I hope he's not nervous. Heard his cheeks
clapping while he was running. Dude, he ran so
fast, his shoes literally came off. That's like
insane. Like, he kicked his shoes off and then
left the mail. I was thinking of the dude from
the Benchwarmers that ate the sunscreen, like,
stayed in his house all the time. Yeah, yeah.
I was thinking that. I did not think of that.
This might be one of my favorite moments of this
podcast. He said me and Athena scared one of
them. It was bad. Like you're a hunting person?
Like you stepped on a stick? Nah, we were just
walking. Just walking the dog. And he just slowly
looked and just took off. Like it was a dog.
We scared a guy. That was challenged. Oh, my
God. You're amazing, brother. Yeah. That was
rough. I hope he's all right. Yeah, he's good,
man. He just got scared. Oh, like. A week ago.
Have you seen him since? Oh, no, man. It just
kept going. Like, I was like, no, it's time to
go. We need to go. He'll be all right. Is that
a community mailbox? No, it was his. Like, he
was walking outside his house, and we were just
walking on the sidewalk. And then he just saw
us and slowly started walking. Then ran, kicked
his shoes off. threw his mail on the ground.
Then we just heard a big bang. He's probably
waiting this whole time to go get the mail just
for nobody to be on the street. I don't know
if it's because of the dog or what. It could
have been an interracial couple. I don't know.
He's terrified. Maybe he's racist. All I know
is if I was actually racist, I'd be scared of
black people. Maybe he thought there was a big
mirror outside. What? Oh, you trying to call
me special, man? Good God. JJ. Damn, man. Trying
to say I got Down syndrome. That's crazy, man.
Brandon, I... If that's how you want to interpret
it... No, I think you have Ups syndrome, all
right? Thank you, man. Don't listen to these.
Not Down syndrome. Yeah, don't listen to these
jabronis. We got the... No. That's not... What
are you talking about, man? Brandon, I love you,
man. I love you, too, man. Dom told me to say
it. You know I wouldn't do that. I know, yeah,
man. Yeah, he's got Dom syndrome. Oh, fuck you
all. He's three points away. Oh, shit. Have you
guys seen that? And this is... I'm not making
a comparison. This is a segue. Have you seen
the videos of, like, when they put a mirror in
the jungle and, like, the animals see their reflection
for the first time? Dude, that's the first thing
I... When that bear beat the shit out of it on
the... He fucked that fucking mirror up. I like
the one with the gorilla who was, like, feeling
himself when he was looking in the mirror. He
was like, man. Nice. Speaking of gorillas, how
y 'all feel about the 100 gorilla... No, my bad.
100 men versus one gorilla. This is a great debate.
Have you heard about this? I think 100 men could
beat a gorilla. I don't know about that. It's
not 100 men versus one gorilla? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And AI says it can't happen or some shit. Like,
if you ask AI, it'll... Yeah, well, 100 men will
beat a gorilla. But people have listened to Joe
Rogan so much, they think the gorilla is just
going to rip everybody in half. Yeah. I mean,
it will rip a couple in half. It's just going
to be a single -digit guy. Yeah, it's not just
going to think... I don't think it will think
it can beat 100 people. What if it takes turns?
You go one person at a time. Well, then it will
beat everyone. Yeah, it could beat 800 individual
people. Humans have the best stamina. That is
true. You do three at a time or something like
that. And just run around in a circle, honestly.
You couldn't, yeah, honestly. Fire him out. Heart
give out. Stab him in the eye with your finger.
Dude, to end. That wouldn't be my strategy. To
end the pod, we don't have a microphone hooked
up to the computer, do we? Never mind. What do
you mean? There's an AI you can talk to for free,
and I've seen people. It'd be funny interacting.
But we'll do it later. I'll set it up next time.
Yeah, we'll have it. All right. Hell yeah, boys.
That was a good episode. We're out. Happy Mother's
Day. Happy Mother's Day. Love you, Mom. Memorial
Day, I think, will be. New Pope. I hate Scrappy
Doo.