This week on Clown College. Oh, we got to take
you out to milk some cows. I know somebody with
a cow. I'd happily do it with pleasure. I bet.
It's like one of those preacher things he's been
on. Yeah, but we're milking cows. Huh? Why are
you saying it like that? Let me back up. Why
the fuck did I say it like that? I was just saying,
yeah, we're milking cows. We're all going to
be milking cows. That came from somewhere deep
inside you. That's something you've been thinking
about for a while without realizing you were
thinking about it. I got nothing on cows, man.
You got to get that milk. Okay. Welcome to Clown
College. We have profound knowledge in many ways
to elevate and make your sound polished. So if
you want to hear a little honest, a few takes
on a way to make it as a comic, then stick around
for a while to fit down to clown. We've got a
guest right now just to show you how. Let's all
go to Clown College, baby. It's with Brandon,
Bayless, Tom, and JJ. Let's all go to Clown College,
baby. It's with Brandon Willis, Don and JJ. It's
a big step. I do like it, though. You enjoy the
peace. And I can't go back. Yes. That's right.
My roommates, thankfully, they're chill dudes.
They're not partiers or anything, and they clean
up after themselves. That's huge. Yeah. But I
haven't even been there. I've been living in
a hotel for the past month and a half. Whose
name is on the lease? Do you have the lease or
all three of y 'all? I think it's under Blake's
name, which that's how it should be. Makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's responsible. You pay him
your part. We're in like a portal thing. We can
all log in and pay our part. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, things have changed since I had roommates
in an apartment. For the internet and stuff,
I cash app him the money. I trust him. He's a
good dude. Wears collared shirts and stuff. Hey,
so the new thing is if you're using online. you
know, payment, if you're using Venmo or Cash
App or, you know, Zelle Pay or whatever. If you
go over $600 a year, there's a special form you've
got to get for your tax filing every year. Are
you serious? I'm 100 % serious. Hold on. So if
you go under $600, sending or receiving? Either
one. That's stupid. I mean, everybody's going
to go over $600. It's probably receiving. Yeah,
so that's the thing. So if you're constantly
trading back and forth, like, hey, I'll pick
up your meal, you pick up my meal, you know,
all that kind of stuff, you've got to at least
file the form with your taxes. Oh, man. Yeah,
I did that on this text, guys. Yeah. I'll try
that next time. It's new. IRS is new. Yeah. They'll
start to kick it back. And what they're looking
for is whether or not you're actually making
money if it's income. If it's sale. Yeah, if
you're like, yeah, yeah. And so there's a certain
margin for the back and forth stuff. But just
be aware that that's a thing. They had to crack
down on that because people were borrowing so
much money from Cash App because they started
doing that money lending thing. And people would...
Just get crazy debt. You can get money lending
for DoorDash now. I've seen it. I've seen it.
And I tell you what, I think that is the thing
that scares me most about where we are as a country.
If you've got to break down your Taco Bell delivery
into four equal payments, you probably just need
to cook at home. I'm serious. You can't borrow
money for anything smaller than a Taco Bell purchase.
You know what I mean? So at that point, if you
can't afford your Taco Bell purchases, where
are we? In our whole economy, are we able to
make next year's payments or two years' payments?
Absolutely not. We're at the bottom end of our
economy is what I'm saying. If you're at the
point, I've been there, bro. So buy gold, get
out of the U .S. dollar. I know. I've been there.
Back in the day, if I would have had that option,
I would have 100 % did it. I would have just
been like, that was dumb. I was like, I don't
have any money. fuck i'm hungry i'm getting a
steakhouse now so if and if i'm and if i'm borrowing
it and i've had to pay payments on it definitely
getting the most expensive thing yeah see that's
how i would have thought back there now i know
it's dumb as fuck yeah i mean the dumbest shit
you could ever do is to put doordash on layaway
it's crazy or anything on layaway and this is
an interesting thing right that i listened to
a guy say that debt is really just a claim on
future earnings. When you think of it that way,
that changes everything. When you go into a little
bit of debt here, you're putting a claim on next
month's paycheck. That's true. Or next week's
paycheck. Debt is a claim on future earnings.
Just that understanding changes the way you see
everything. You look like you're going on debt
on buying radiators. How are you doing that?
That's how I buy my action figures, man. He's
got to intimidate them. Like I'll do a car payment
on them. On action figures? Yeah. What do you
mean a card payment? If it's a limited edition,
I'll be like, $15, we'll start off. How much
do these things cost? Oh, like $50. If you can't
buy it, then you just don't buy it. Yeah, if
you don't have the extra $50, just hang tight.
Action figures, brother. Just wait a while, then
they'll come down in price when people realize
they're not actually worth anything. Look, you're
looking at somebody who grew up in the 80s. My
mom had invested heavily in the Beanie Baby craze
in the 1990s. Damn. I mean, we had all these
rare Beanie Babies that were going to supposedly
be worth $1 ,500 or whatever. Yeah. That's why
I went into ROTC for college. Hell yeah, man.
Brandon, how many of these things have you financed?
How many times have I used Clonera? Sure. Yeah.
Well, I mean, it depends on life situations.
I'll be like, oh, man, let me do that. How many
times? Give me a rough estimate. Well, thankfully,
I don't own nothing now because I always pay
it on time. Brent, how many times have you used
this? That's good. How many times have I used
it? Once a month. Okay, so now. Wait. So once
a month you buy an action figure. Not just action
figures, like lifestyle, like anything. Okay,
okay. Like a book or something for class. Yeah,
that's reasonable. That's reasonable. I actually
figure that's more rare. That's every once in
a while. I'm like, man, we can't afford that
right now. I feel like you're lying to us. No,
no. I feel like you're fibbing a little bit.
I look like I'm lying. Maybe it's this tank top
I found in the closet. But yeah, man, it's like
nowadays, I'm like, nah, man. Nah, we gotta get
stuff. But you don't know. You gotta know. You
guys are young. Oh, yeah, it was a reward. I
didn't know until I was well into my 30s. Do
you have an emergency fund at all? Emergency
fund? Yeah. Dan! All right, so listen. Just discover.
You do need to have a savings account with just
at least $1 ,000 in it. Ooh, I haven't even seen
that. Yeah, yeah. Get that set up. Have you ever
had $1 ,000 in your bank account? The only time
I've had $1 ,000 is when I got a loan from school.
Yeah, so see. That was it. That was it. Right.
So you got to think you're working right there.
I know, but you're working, right? Yep. Public
part -time. Yeah. If you got to build it up $10
at a time, it's worth it. That's what I'm going
to do. I mean, I do have like the 401k. Yeah.
But I don't know if that's. Oh, you got a 401k?
Yeah, but that's it. I mean, he's been there
for 14 years. Well, I've been there since I was
in middle school. I was 14, now I'm 22. Yeah,
so now Publix is a great deal. Publix is a privately
owned company, right? Yeah. Do you have stock
in Publix? Do you have stock options because
you've been unemployed? You do. You should. But
I think they do automatically enroll you. You
should. That might be more. Worth more than you
think right now. So just make sure that you protect
that. And he's about to pass. He only has one
more test. I know. He was selling it. That's
exciting. Get a 79 or at least an 80 on it. That's
exciting. We got our certificate. That's exciting.
So after this, though, then you got to tighten
up on your financials because you want to get
an apartment. Yes, I do. So then that's when
the savings come into play. And you don't have
to worry about playing the whole. deposit and
then all of that rent for the first month all
in one go yeah that's right you save it and you'll
have something and then we'll help you find stuff
for the place but get you your main thing save
you enough money get you a place that has to
happen true yeah you're married now you got to
get your play especially once i get into like
once i know i'm in the fire department because
that's the one that mainly pays once i get into
that But you get paid once you start getting
into the school, right? For fire department.
Yes, once you start doing academy training. Yeah,
you start to get paid. And then you got to keep
that up. But you got to pass everything. Save
enough for a new apartment and a better car.
It's acting weird. It's shaking now. And then
the lock button keeps turning. The light keeps
coming on. I'm like, I know it's locked. I know
it's locked. Why is the light keep on clicking
the highway? Yeah, yeah, that's not that's not
safe So you saying so you saying that I'm not
so what happens is the car I will literally check
I'll be like impresses our president manly. What
are you talking about though? Okay, yeah, this
is locked and I'll try to open it won't open
my lights like you'll still like, you know when
the door is open that light will come on yeah
so that light will come on and then it'll flicker
so you're not saying actually locked you're just
saying that they're saying the door is open yeah
it'll keep doors ajar yeah and i keep doing that
and i'm looking at the door and i'm like i know
it's locked but it's like i still like when i
get some money i'm going to try to figure this
out yeah then didn't you get into break though
A while back. But even before then, it wasn't
doing that. It just started doing that, like,
after a week ago, after I got my whole change.
You wear your seatbelt? Every day. Good. Dude,
I will not. You got to have something to keep
you in the car. Especially with that class. It's
like, after the stuff they showed us, man, I'm
good. 100%. Everybody got to wear a seatbelt,
man. That's right. Fuck that. I'm sorry. Hey,
so this has been a fun conversation so far. When
does the comedy podcast start? Are we doing it
already? It's in an hour. This is an educational.
This is a financial literacy portion of the.
brought to you by the rocket money app let's
go dude i downloaded that that was a mistake
i didn't need to know how much money i spent
you pay money to see how much money yeah dude
let me tell you something let me tell you a fucking
hack i just started doing that but uh chat gpt
man Pay for ChatGPT. It takes so much shit. I'm
on Blake's account. Yeah, so you make a project.
I make it my, like I got one for what I need
to do to get a house, blah, blah, blah. And it's
just your school right there. And then I take
my bank statement and put it all in there. I
see how much I spend on DoorDash. It could tell
me how much I spend on cigarettes and gas. And
then what's all bullshit I'm spending on. And
then you can finally know so you know what you're
spending your money on. Yeah. That's the first
step. I've been using it. Me and Blake have been
using it. And I was waiting for Dan to get on
the podcast so I could talk to him about this.
We have a business venture that I think you should
support. Okay. Our dream. I'm in. Our dream.
My true dream since retiring from stand -up comedy
has been I want to open up an ice cream shop.
Right on. With my friends. That's great. And
we're going to call it Milkies. And that's it.
We just used the chat GPT to make a logo. It's
a shark with an ice cream cone. It's pretty sick.
Damn. Open up that checkbook, baby. First of
all, I don't invest in companies. I invest in
people. So 100 % I'll invest in Milkies if that's
what you finally decide you really want to call
it. Maybe sleep on that one for a bit. It has
to be that. I feel like a milky is something
you can pay for in Thailand. You know what I
mean? Exactly. Well, we plan on expanding eventually.
You want to run that one by Urban Dictionary
and just make sure. It was a dude on YouTube.
This is how deep we got into it. He's like the
king of the frozen desserts industry. Starting
your own business and premium frozen desserts.
He was talking about ice creams and what it takes.
The infrastructure to get it to what you want
it to be, and the butterfat content, and how
much air is in, pushed through the ice cream
and the machine. And I realized that I was too
retarded to do that. So hold on, ice cream scared
you? Yeah. That's crazy. Wait, are you saying
now that I've decided to invest, you're backing
out? No, I'm saying that we're going to have
to outsource our engineering for this. Don't
waffle on me. Unless it's a cone. Hell yeah.
Well, our other investor is Kanye West. One joke
every 15 minutes is all we promise. I think it's
a great idea. You can have a clown college flavor.
What would that be? Neapolitan? It has to have
a hardened fudge cone. Yes, it does. What's the
candy on the outside? A dip cone. Yeah, it has
to be dipped. Yes, please. That's the outside
and the inside is a swirl. Yeah. Come on. That's
the Clown College fucking cone. Okay. Yeah, double
chocolate vanilla swirl. Yes. I like the back
of my head. Oh. Hell yeah. Just like it. I got
a swirl back here, man. The back of Brandon's
head. I do. I have to cover it up because I got
the swirl. It's a birthmark. Are you being a
calic? I guess it's something back here that
swirls up. Yeah. Like it looks like... You said
birthmark. If you shave your head, is there a
mark there? No, it's like if it gets cut short
like this, I have to literally fix it right.
If you shave your head, is there a mark there,
like a birthmark on your... Oh, no, no. It's
like if I have hair. The hair... Yeah, it's a
cowlick. I guess it's a cowlick. Can I get free
ice cream? No. Yeah. We'll get you some. Man,
I love you, man. He's going to be there every
day if you give him free ice cream. You're going
to mess up my life. I feel like we've already
kind of started working out. Yeah. You've set
your dad a dark road. Milky Road, right? Rocky
Road. Rocky Road. Ben and Jerry. The Rocky Road
to Milkies, dude. My bad. Ben and Jerry's? No.
Fuck them, right? Yeah, they ain't got shit on
us. This is exciting. I like it. No, I'm actually,
I sat down and thought about it, and I was like,
I could be pretty happy if I did that with my
life. I'm happy for you. More so than a lot of
other things. Don't you do that. What? Encourage
them? Yes. No, 100%. What's wrong with that?
How are you going to get the milk, though? That's
a great question. I haven't thought about it.
You think of logistics of everything? Where you're
going to make most of your money is summertime,
right? Milk sales. So you're going to milk cows,
huh? Yeah. Cool. We can try. Oh, we got to take
you out to milk some cows. I know somebody with
a cow. I'd happily do it with pleasure. I bet.
It's like one of those creature things he's been
wanting. Yeah, but we're milking cows. Huh? Why
do you say it like that? Let me back up. Why
the fuck did I say it like that? I was just saying,
yeah, we're milking cows. We're all going to
be milking cows. That came from somewhere deep
inside you. That's something you've been thinking
about for a while without realizing you were
thinking about it. I got nothing on cows, man.
You got to get that milk. Okay. That's how you
got to do it. What type of milk do you want?
Whole milk? I don't think that's from how you
milk the cow. Which cow has the 2 % and which
one has the whole? Oh, man, dude. Well, and if
you get a butter cow, you're screwed. You try
milking it and it just takes forever. Your forearms
are going to be soaked. Is that like a bull?
Yeah. Yeah, kind of. It'll come out buttery.
Thicker consistency than milk. That's when you
realize you made a mistake. Huh? That's when
you realize you made a mistake. How do you think
you get butter? Not the bull. Yeah, it's bull
jizz. That's how you think it gets. I can't do
butter no more, man. It's butter good. When you
have butter on a toast, it's good. Yeah, but
that has to be a cow. No, it's bull jizz. Oh,
man. But it hardens. See, this will make me stay
away from butter, man. I feel bad for the bull.
See, you're actually going to make him believe
this. No, and guess what? I don't. I know it's
cow. Brandon, what do you often see on sticks
of butter? I know it because my friend, he accidentally
milked a bull or tried to milk a bull. And he
was like, there's no fucking way. That's just
not what I said. This wasn't me. This was him.
He made that path. I learned from that path,
which I mean, I knew at the beginning. I knew.
I was like, I know. What? What the fuck? What
the fuck is happening? What'd you learn on the
path? Well, me, I knew from the beginning. I
was like, that's stupid because, dude, bull,
they don't produce milk, man. They produce the
stuff we were just talking about. You know what
I mean. Butter. Cow yogurt. That's right. Yeah.
That, uh, yeah. Where were you guys at where
you were milking bulls? I wasn't there. He told
me about it. And what did he do? He said he was
trying to milk a cow. He thought it was a cow
and he realized it was a bull, which I'm like,
how do you? I don't know. That sounds like he
was at a rodeo and trying to get the legendary
tornado bull's sperm to get it to breed. I don't
know where he was. Is it the same friend that
we met? Yes. Well, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is. I think he told
you he thought it was a cow. Who knows? Maybe
he knew. He asked for Brandon's feet pictures
and paid the money for them and all that. I'm
starting to catch on to the fact that I have
been drinking the wrong beverage before this
podcast. Ice coffee was not the direction I needed
to take this afternoon. You really fucking think
you're coming, baby? I'm so lost right now. Where
am I right now? Well, a lot of people lost. That's
why we have to decipher it. When we have to get
to the bottom, his friend went jacked off a bull.
Basically. And then he's telling him that he
thought it was a cow. Sometimes people got to
do it for medical science. Animal husbandry requires
it sometimes. Nope, without a doubt. If he wasn't
doing that as part of his job on the farm, then
that's just a problem. He works at Walmart. There's
nothing medical. Well, where do they get that?
Now I'm not even sure that was a bull. This was
just him on the farm. This was him on the farm.
In the country. You're fucking with animals,
cows. They do that. Nah, man. Dan, are you a
shooter? Are you a good shot with a pistol? Yeah,
pretty good. You are? Yeah. We went shooting
with me, Scott, and Alex, and Elliot went shooting
with Ian Finan. Nice. Yeah, yeah. How did that
go? That was so fun. It was the shit. I clearly
was the best. First of all, Scott probably was
the best, but it was his guns. That makes a difference.
Yeah. If you don't understand the trigger squeeze
and all that kind of stuff. What was it, the
.35? The .45. The .45 was the good one. No. .22
and the .45, they shot. The 9mm was real bad.
Dude, it was the heaviest fucking trigger, and
it was terrible. But the rest of them were good.
Alex actually did very good on the first time
on .22. He kept it grouped. Nice. You know Kevin
Gruth on first go around? That's pretty good.
Never shooting a pistol. And then Ian did good.
Alex shot some footage for him. Does Ian shoot
a lot? He said he was a shooter. You can tell
he shoots. He's into it. Is that a thing in New
York City? Did they go to basement ranges? On
the streets. I think it's more of when he travels
people take him. He likes to shoot. Because New
York can't be. There's no way New York has a
whole bunch of shooting ranges. They're probably
somewhere. I just don't know. It doesn't feel
like it's part of the culture there. Yeah. Like
it is here. Like here we have shooting ranges
with bars in them. Yeah. Like you shoot first
and then go have a drink. Yeah, and that's what
we did. Where'd y 'all go? Bullets and Barrels.
Bullets and Barrels. In South Huntsville or the
one over here on County Line? South Huntsville.
South Huntsville. Yeah, so that was fun. Yeah,
it's a nice place. And then I got to open for
him. Well, I got to do a guest spot on there
twice. You did great. Appreciate it, man. You
did great. Thanks, man. Yeah. I was so scared.
We were here. And then it was like. Scott just
called me like, you want to do a guest spot tonight
at this club? I'm like, fuck yeah. You know,
so I look up who's on there and I'm just, I'm
really slow. So I look it up and I'm like, and
I swear to God, it's that April 25th. And I clicked
on it and I was like, it's a gay black dude,
which is fine. But it was like, it was like,
you know. I was listening to his set, and I was
like, oh, he's smart and articulate, so I don't
think his crowd's going to like me. You know
what I mean? So I was nervous, and then I opened
the green room door. It's Ian Finance. I was
literally shocked. I was like, what the fuck?
And he was cool as shit, just sitting in a green
room chilling. It was like you just knew him
forever. He was a cool dude. No, that's great.
Well, first of all, let me just say, I think
smart crowds would like you, too. So don't give
up on a crowd just because they're there to see
a smart comment. You're likable. Thanks, man.
You're just, it's impossible not to like you.
He didn't say smart. We're not taking IQ tests
again. That was a bad idea from the get -go.
It wasn't bad. No, that was awesome. Dan warned
me. So funny. Here's to bad ideas in 2024, man.
Never raise your ugly heads again. But yeah,
no, you're likable and your stuff is smart. And
your stuff is smart. And you're getting better.
You're comfortable with some of those. You know
when the punchline is going to be there, and
so you're able to string it out with the audience
a little bit. The audience got ahead of you on
that one. They were laughing at the premise.
Yeah. They were laughing at the premise about
Drake. And they were just chuckling because you
were like, you know, Drake's black and Jewish.
I'm black and German. And they were like rolling
waves of laughter just on that idea. And you're
like, so, you know. And then people were laughing
again, but you just drew it out and drew it out
and drew it out. And you're like, better. And
then it popped. It was like breaking the dam.
It was great. Yeah, that's because of you. You
told me. just let it sit because like you literally
you were like just let it sit sometimes even
i think a joke's not working if i let it sit
for like just two beats people will be like either
like get it or like oh my god what the did he
just say yeah so that that has helped me like
literally a ton since you told me that and since
i started doing that I feel like I can control
the crowd with just looking at them or the way
I look or the way I look off. All that shit fucking
matters. The way you look. So this is something
I noticed. Do you mind if I give you notes here
on the podcast? Yeah, please. I've listened to
this podcast enough to know we don't normally
talk about notes or comedy of any kind. It's
weird to be talking about stand -up on this show
about stand -up comedy. It's about stand -up,
yeah. So I feel awkward. We've got to get these
two back out there. But I noticed it. Sometimes
you look down and to the left. I do. You look
down at the stage and you kind of close your
eyes. And that breaks a link with the audience.
I saw it happen last night. But there's other
times where you feel comfortable kind of looking
out. I'm telling you, if you don't know where
to look, don't look down. Just look out. Because
the way the light hits your face, your eyes are
prominent. It's a good look. Just keep looking
at the audience. Look around. You could look
over here and look over back, and I think you'd
probably even get a laugh for just the knowing
look on your face. Because when your face is
neutral, you look like you've got a secret joke
inside, like you're sharing that moment with
the audience. So keep them locked in like that.
And then on the ally joke for the ableism. When
you say I fucked him up, I think you can string
that out a little, build it up, kind of build
it up. When you're doing your premise, you could
add a little bit of detail. Right. We're like,
I wasn't sure, but they were like, no, you got
to. You got to do it for the team. This is the
big match. Build it up a little bit. And then
drop it. I think you could go three times bigger
on that. Almost sharing with the audience like
you're really proud of yourself for how much
you fucked him up. And then when you pull back
from being really, because you're so nice on
stage. You're friendly, you're cuddly, right?
I think you're so, I'm saying this from the audience's
perspective. I mean, you and I, you know how
I feel about you already. But, yeah, so I think
it's surprising if you come in hard like, I fucked
him up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then go back to,
so, you know. Like that whole bit, I think you
would get like three different kinds of recognition
of laughter. So you're saying I had like a. I
just think it's a great joke. I had to wrestle.
I love what you're doing. I had to wrestle. Okay.
These are just my ideas. Listen, is that home?
No, but me just doing that. I'm not you saying
that. But yeah, no, I will do that. So you're
saying I should add like, I forgot my own joke
real quick. Hold on. What was I talking about?
Ableism. It's when you don't treat them like
regular people. Should I say regular people?
Because I've been saying, and I really, like,
this isn't a joke part of it. I was like, because
I was like, you don't treat people like everybody
else. That's how you say it. That's how I say
it. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.
But sometimes I get up there and I say regular
people. And I just look in the crowd and I'm
like, didn't mean it like that. But I don't know
why it's in the back of my head to say regular
people. If you want to say regular people as
a joke. Yeah. And then correct yourself with
the audience. That could be funny. Yeah. Okay.
I think that's a separate joke. Yeah. I think
that takes away from it. Cause then they'll really
think I'm like mean, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Right. Cause I'm about to say I fucked up a Netflix
channel. Cause you normally say like everybody
else. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like everybody else.
Yeah. That's what it is. Thank you, man. See,
Dan gives you advice. If you're out there, if
you're a comedian in the Huntsville, he gives
you advice. Listen. I thought we were just here
to talk about comedy. No, we are. I feel awkward
now even bringing it up. Because I gave you some
on the, because I think you should put your dirty
stuff, some of it up front. Not dirty stuff.
The self -deprecating. Yeah, self -deprecating.
A little bite. A bite up front. Because I'm clean,
man. I'm clean. You're clean, but you know, you
got bite. Fresh tissue. You got bite. It's more
towards the end. And I did that, exactly. And
Amy came out. She hadn't seen me do comedy in
a while. So she came out to see me, and she sat
with Jonathan Silver, and they were in the back.
uh at homegrown and i did that i switched it
up and first of all i think your your ideas are
right i think they really do work it changes
the flow the flow of in a positive direction
and it kind of builds to some of the things that
are later on in my uh my current 30 minute set
Uh, and Amy and, uh, Jonathan both told me later
that the other one at the table was like, Oh,
this is different. He's changing it up, you know,
cause they both noticed the difference in the
order. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Which is, uh, an indication
of how much they've seen my stuff. They're almost
as tired of it as I am. Well, you know, no, it
was a good idea. And I think it really, it built
that rapport with the audience for later on and
it kept the energy going. Because I think everybody,
when they see you, I can listen to Dan talk for
hours. I don't care what you do. You just listen
to you talk. Is that true or are you setting
me up right now? No, I'm destined. People right
now who are just listening to this are like,
he has a soothing voice. You do, man. You're
taking the piss out of me right now. I got some
premises that I can pitch to you guys. Oh, let's
go. Dude, this whole thing's becoming a comedy
podcast. You got all the financial advice out
of the way up front. These are some that I've
written recently, and these are some real bare
-bones ideas. It makes me so excited that you're
writing again. I freaking love it. We've missed
you. How about this, dude? Self -roast. I look
like I got a DUI on a lawnmower. Yeah. You do?
Zero turn. You do. No, that's not zero out of
ten. He's saying a zero turn moment. Oh, okay.
Zero turn moment. Yeah, yeah. He said, I know
it's not zero out of ten. Fuck you. I wrote a
roast for Dom. I don't know why I wrote this,
but it says, you still have crayons. I thought
you ate them all. That's for him. Oh, Marina.
Yeah, they eat the crayons. That's good. The
idea of talking to your girlfriend, she asks
you who's her celebrity lookalike, and you go,
what's his name? That guy, he was in that thing.
Because it's a man. Yeah. The best ones are the
ones you have to explain. No, I got it. The best
ones are funny. Oh, I don't have any of those.
Tired of putting the toilet seat down. Date a
trans woman. I know Brandon's going to get on
with this one. That's good. That's hack on top
of dangerous on top of hack. I'm sorry. No, there's
no bad ideas. Those were my new, I have some
older ones. You got a good time. I mean, I think
that, so the toilet seat premise is hack is all
get out, right? It's like, you know, the difference
between men and women, but it could happen. a
new life in the trans conversation. But man,
that's not my joke to tell. That's... Dude, you
can tell any joke. You just gotta make it funny.
Yeah, no. I wouldn't have a perspective that
I think is funny enough to get away with it.
That joke right there, you know, leave the toilet
seat up. It could just be like you're telling
a story. about how your girlfriend's mad at you
for leaving the toilet seat open and it ended
up being your girlfriend's trans. Bam. Believable.
Believable. I had an idea, like a rough framework
for a bit about in public restrooms where they
combine them and make them like all -gender restrooms.
Instead of having a men's and women's now, you
just have two restrooms that anybody can use.
I feel like you have to, if you're a guy and
you go in there, you, and you, you know, as long
as you're taking a piss or whatever, you got
to raise the seat up to piss so that you don't
pee on the seat for the next person. Oh yeah,
you got to. And then you got to, then you got
to leave it up. So that if the next person that
comes in is an inconsiderate dude, he doesn't
piss all over the seat. So leaving the toilet
seat up is considerate. That's what I think.
So at home, I got to leave the toilet seat down.
That's being considerate. But in public, I think
the most considerate thing is to leave it up.
But even that is just an idea I have. I don't
think there's a joke in there. I'm not sure.
I mean, that's right, because... If it's already
up, the inconsiderates are just going to piss
anyway. That's right. And then let the woman
put it down. I leave it up specifically to keep
it clean for the next lady who comes in. Or the
next seated urinator that comes in. Can I ask
a question? Yeah. What type of person am I? I
will... What type of person am I? I piss all
over the seat. I don't lift it, but I'll wipe
it off with toilet paper. It's considerate, but
it's more labor intensive. Just lift the seat.
It's public. You put toilet paper on the seat.
Yeah, it's public. I don't care. No, but public.
What if you have one of those bubble guts? I
know everybody had it here. Well, you just got
to drop a deuce somewhere. Yeah. And now you
got piss warm seats. I guess I'm more comfortable
sitting on piss than y 'all. No, I'm good. Fuck
yeah, you are. What the hell are you talking
about? You can get AIDS. I'm just kidding. No,
that's blood. That's blood. I mean, dude, I'm
good. I don't want to sit on nobody's piss. You'll
be all right. You'll be all right. Yeah, you're
right. My bad. It's blood. You're taking all
these classes now, right? So you've probably
had a class on blood -borne pathogens. Yeah,
yeah. You know you've got to put down a thing
before you give somebody CPR. Right. I don't
want to pee. It's been on your mind lately. The
funny thing is you specifically can't get AIDS.
You have to get it from blood. You have to get
it from blood. brought up like you can't get
it from the toilet. That's still gross. I don't
want to sit on the mask. You know people that
got to use stalls, man. Yeah. I saw graffiti
one time at Tulane University. I was in there.
It was on the fourth floor of this building where
they had a language lab. So it's like fourth
floor of a building with no elevators, just like
old part of campus, old building had been around
since the 1920s. And the graffiti on the wall,
I'm sitting there and I look and it said, this
is not an exaggeration, it said. I bled AIDS
on this toilet seat and had a date, and it was
like three days before me sitting there. Shut
the fuck up. And I'm like, who would write that?
What is wrong with you people? So, you know,
intellectually, we all know you can't get it
that way. But when you're sitting there reading
about it, you're like, maybe I'm done. I mean,
maybe there's a chance. Maybe it's time to go
home and shower. I don't know. Definitely. Yeah.
I mean, I would be thinking about it all day.
Come on, man. I'd be talking to ChatGPT so much
about that. Me too. But you sure you can't get
A's from when somebody bled on the toilet seat?
Because what if it gets stuck in the grooves
and you get cut by the seat a little bit? You
don't know all the way. I'm telling you, you
don't know all the way. See, you think you know
stuff until it's right in front of your face.
And then you're like, I don't know if I know
it. I've got another bit that I've been thinking
about. I'm not sure exactly how to do this one
because I've got to be sensitive to who I am
on stage and what the audience thinks of me immediately.
And the premise is something like, yeah, you
might think you're really open -minded. You might
think you're a fair -minded person. But you don't
know what you really believe until you see who
you're talking to. daughter brings home for prom
that's great right when you meet your daughter's
prom date that takes everything you think you
believe and makes it real And then you have to
go get a quiet 30 seconds and reset. And I told
that one time at an open mic. I love this. I
told that one time at an open mic. And it's never
gotten past that open mic stage. I'm still working
on how to roll that out. But I thought it was
really interesting. Somebody came up to me later
and was like, yeah, dude, I was so. interesting
like i mean it's so true like you told that story
about how your daughter brought home as black
dude for prom and i was like i never said yeah
no yeah why you gotta pollute my yeah don't keep
your words out of my mouth but i mean we're all
thinking that but still no well that's the thing
i think everybody's thinking that right because
it's it that's what i'm saying that's what yeah
i gotta be careful about what people see when
i walk up there it automatically there's a prejudice
there so i've got to be real careful about the
audience's perception i work around it or work
with it like use their preconceptions so so everybody's
thinking 100 but i'd say it's going to be 90
percent of the people out there going to be thinking
you're thinking if he if she brings a black guy
home and then you can switch it on his head and
be like uh he was a catholic i mean something
like you know and then and then make them the
racist ones and like what the fuck you guys think
what racial you think yeah you can pick on them
yeah i just i just didn't want my daughter to
date a guy from georgia yeah yeah yeah no no
but that is that is the right way to do that
like set it up you kind of make a little joke
and then it's sort of interesting but then that
ends up being the premise and the real joke is
oh what did you think i said yeah yeah that's
that could because that could be good well everybody
here i don't care what brand where brandon what
race are you thinking or what what person were
you thinking about when dan was talking about
yeah Yeah. Unless they were crazy. That's what
you think. Because we're not racist. Until they
come in with, like, a face tattoo, you know?
I mean, there's always something, right? He's
got, like, teardrops or whatever. Yeah, he's
got a problem. He's got some Mike Tyson, like,
tribal thing up the side of his head. If my daughter
brought home a Machine Gun Kelly type of white,
it would ruin me. Oh, my God. I would probably.
try to think of a way to get him killed. I couldn't
have that around my baby, no. It just won't happen.
I get what you're saying. You know exactly the
type of white I'm talking about. Like that dude
on We're the Millers where he's got that no regrets
tattoo backwards on his head. No regrets? No.
That was just my... Every father of every girlfriend
I've ever had, their faces have dropped so fucking
far when I walk up to their door, dude. It was
bad. When I started dating my girlfriend now,
I had hair down to like here and all curly. And
I had one earring and the tattoo I pulled up
and it was just... You had one earring in the
right? Yeah. It's no longer a gay thing, Dom.
But when we were growing up, I don't even remember
which one it was. What's the... You gotta have
feet, the feet, the feet. Yeah. It's right though,
right? I can't remember. I can't remember either.
I can't remember what the deal was. I know it
was one side that you could have. This is when
everybody... Just search what's the game. You
could have one, and I think if you had it in
your left ear, you're okay. See, that's what
I think. That's what I... I never paid attention.
What does it say? Let me click on that. That's
crazy. That's the first. I never paid attention
to that shit. Oh, wow. There's no such thing
as a gay earring. It says the idea. Man, get
this AI. Come on, AI. Which one fucking one was
in the 90s? It says the right ear. It says the
right ear. It says believe that man with the
right ear. So they're saying they believe with
the right ear. So that's the one you have. It's
just what felt natural to me. Yeah, that's good.
There's nothing wrong with it, Brandon. Dude,
I know. There's nothing wrong with it. He hates
me now. He'll never speak to me again. Oh, my
gosh. Man, no, man. I'm not homophobic. Nobody
said you were. No, no. I remember you guys said
something. Last episode? Yeah, and I'm not. No,
you're not. Thank you, man. Well, if it makes
you feel any better, my in -laws really did not
like me until we'd been married for like two
or three years. Once we had grandkids, my in
-laws came around to like, well, I guess he's
not going anywhere, so we may as well embrace
him. I was wrong for their daughter as far as
they know. You guys are such a great couple.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Amy's awesome. And the motorcycle
played a big part in that, too. Your motorcycle?
No dad wants their daughter's boyfriend to pull
up on a motorcycle. That's true. They're dangerous
as shit. Yes, they are, man. Because, you know.
What type did you have? I got to have my phone,
too. Yeah. What type did you have? Motorcycle?
Yeah. My first one was a Honda. It was... Old
as hell. It had like 68 ,000 miles on it. It
was an 02 Honda Shadow. Oh, yeah. And the lady
that I bought it from lived in New Hope in a
trailer with like a very nice... gravel driveway
that leads up to the trailer and it imagine like
a rich like victorian mansion with like the line
stone lions going up to the thing but hers was
a gravel driveway to a trailer lined by black
caricature statues oh no like red lips and like
just yeah actual black skin beautiful it's art
yeah and some parts of the country she sold me
the bike And gave me a helmet with it. And it
had a wolf popping out of a Confederate flag.
And on the other side, it said, I deal with PMS.
Putting up with men's shit. You got a Confederate
woman's helmet. Confederate feminist biker helmet.
That's amazing. Alpha male Confederate feminist.
No, I don't. When you finally get back into stand
-up, the title of your one -hour special should
be, confederate woman feminist helmet motor's
like that's what i consider myself really yeah
yeah it was it was crazy dude girlfriend's dad's
actually terrible she was there no teeth like
rotten i mean not great you wouldn't like it
if she called you the n -word yeah because at
a point it's just mean it's no longer sexual
it's just mean damn it She would have been a
good one for it, though. Dude, what if she put
out a little Buddha of you outside? Oh, wow.
That's beautiful. I only could wish. Ain't that
right, Brandon? Have you guys gotten into that?
No. You guys haven't tried the race play? No.
I figured how many times to tell that joke. I
figured you guys would at least try it a couple
times. Wait till you come home in that tank top.
If your comedy is influencing the sexual behavior
of the people in your sphere, then I have stumbled
into something other than a podcast. I didn't
know I was here for a Branch Davidians meeting
20 years after Oklahoma City. I got a whip, though,
right down there from the skit we did. I don't
need it anymore. You don't need it? I mean, I'll
take it just to have it. We might need it in
the future, but I'm just saying you can take
it home for a while. Dry it out. Just hit a tree.
No, well, give it to Athena. No, no, I'm good.
I don't want to get whipped. I don't know what
you like. Nah, man, I'm good. All right. No,
I'm good. I got to actually have like a, it was
for a Viking costume, but they could use it for
a slave cropper. It's the same type of material.
Jeez. No. I'm being serious. You got to try it,
man. No, I'm good. That's one map I don't want
to spawn on. Like, you know, Call of Duty games,
I'm good. That was a good save. Yeah. That was
a great save. That was a great save. Yeah, that
was good. That was good. I had a click on your
toes. Yeah. I like that. Do another. Quick. Do
another. Another what? Do another analogy. Analogy?
About what? Give me a scenario. About that? Yeah.
Oh, I guess that's a... One foxhole I won't put
my junk in, man. We'll stay back out of that.
That's good. That's what they do. That's good.
Foxhole, we'll stay out of... Junk first. That's
how you get into... How do you get into a foxhole?
Junk first. Shoot me in the face, but not in
the junk. That's a McDonald's I won't inspect.
Kitchen cops. Motorcycle I won't ride. There
you go. Yeah, that's good. There you go. Hey,
you know, you were talking about the dads who
had a bad reaction because they didn't want that.
So my daughter in high school was like, hey,
I'm really interested in motorcycles. She thought
it was really cool. She was telling me how cool
she thought motorcycles were. And I had a little
panic attack because I was like, well, she must
be talking to somebody. So I was like, oh, that's
fantastic. You got a birthday coming up. Why
don't we go get your motorcycle license? So we
went up to Tennessee and we did two days of this
motorcycle safety course. And, you know, you
ride around, but you learn how to do all kinds
of stuff. And you ride over two by fours and
speed and do all kinds of stuff to get your confidence
going. And I got her helmet and got her a thing.
And I even bought like another little motorcycle
so we could ride together. As soon as she got
the motorcycle license, not interested at all.
But. Good. For all of college, there's no D -bag
who's going to come up and be like, hey, you
want to ride on my motorcycle? She's just not
going to be impressed by it. She's got it. She's
been there, done that. Scratch the itch, been
there, done that, whatever. And if she was going
to get on the motorcycle, she could drive it
if she needed to. So she wouldn't get in a situation
where some dude would get drunk and then she
would have no choice but to be left in some part
of Birmingham or ride back DUI style in the back.
Yeah, smart. yeah that's smart because uh people
die on motorcycles oh man it's just and it's
not even the person riding the motorcycle doesn't
have to be their fault in the slightest People
just can't drive around here at all. No. These
old people, we got to get them off the road somehow,
some way. 75 and older. It's not old. Get them
off. Get them off. It's old. No, Dan, you dare
say it's not old people. I drive this motherfucker.
Well, first of all, it is old people. An hour
a day. Yes. All right? But look, when I'm riding
the motorcycle, what I see more than anything
is dudes with their phone like this. Like, who
has a car right now where the phone doesn't,
like, at least connect to your speakers? Like,
I got a 2002 where it connects to the speakers.
Yeah, I know what type of car. I know you're
talking about that. But yeah, they got their
phone right here. and they're doing the thing
and they're typing and they're reading or they're
watching, you know, Clown College podcast. Exactly.
That's what you should be doing while you're
driving. Turn this off. Video. Turn it off. Yeah.
You see it all the time, man. The worst thing
when I was riding was people throwing lit cigarettes
out the window and they smack you in the face.
Oh my God. Dude, it hurts. When you have your
visor up and it would hit you like in the cheek.
That hurts, man. Yeah, that's my bad. I got hit
by a bee one time. A bee? I guess I drove into
a bee and it hit me in the chest. I was like,
oh, my God. Did it sting you? No, no, but it
hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It felt like getting
hit by a rock. I've definitely taken some bug
splats, like in the neck. So disgusting. In the
throat. Oh, man, it hurts. What's the farthest
you guys rode? I did a motorcycle camping trip,
so I went from here up to Tennessee, and then
I drove down to Birmingham. and then down to
Auburn and then back on some roads. So that was
like a three -day trip where I camped out three
different nights and had dinner at different
places and saw my kids and stuff like that. But
that ended up being about, I don't know, 800
miles total. That's good. It's good, 800 miles.
That's good. Over three days, yeah. It was a
lot of riding. Yeah. I was done. I was ready
to be done. Fuck. Yeah. It rained too, huh? Oh,
it did. It rained so much, man. And that's where
when you're on a motorcycle, you feel like, oh,
yeah, I'm just going to play it as it goes. You
know, I don't need to have a plan. I don't need
to know where I'm going to stay tonight. You're
on a fucking motorcycle. Yeah, exactly. But then
when it gets dark before you're ready and all
of a sudden you're in the middle of nowhere,
Alabama, the last thing you want to do is pull
your motorcycle off into the woods in some place
you don't know where you are and camp out. It
just feels dangerous. Hey, boy. What are you
doing on my property? See, that's bad. How about
you, JJ? Not 800 miles. I did the Dragon's Tale,
though. Did you? That's amazing. In North Carolina?
Or maybe I... This was a different one. I was
in Tennessee. Okay. Dragging something. But it's
just a whole bunch. It's like a really curvy
road. It's like 13 .1 miles of consecutive curve
in the road. That's awesome. But that was fun.
But that was only like 250 miles maybe. Yeah.
One day thing. 250 miles still ain't that long.
The average motorcycle rider puts 500 miles on
their bike a year. Damn. When I first got my
motorcycle, I wanted to ride it everywhere. I
would go play basketball inside in a gym in winter
and then leave and I'd be like sweat, just frozen.
I couldn't even barely shift. Dude, I would wear
shorts. T -shirts. I did not give a fuck. Damn,
man. That's insane. You didn't cover up? I got
out. That's who your daughter was. Somebody like
that. Think about it, guys. Yeah, I mean, I was
like, yeah, I've had a motorcycle for three months.
I'm basically ready to have people on the back.
Yeah. I actually did. I waited a long ass time.
There's a couple of documentaries with the guy,
Ewan McGregor. Yeah, Obi -Wan Kenobi. Yeah, and
where he rode, the first one was like 20 years
ago. They did this documentary. It's called The
Long Way Round, where they ride from Scotland
all the way around across Europe. They take a
ferry across to Alaska and then all the way across
the U .S. and then back over to... scotland so
they go around the world on their motorcycles
and there's another one like the long way down
where they go through it from scotland all the
way down to the tip of africa like the just the
whole way down the road and uh to me that looks
amazing like i would really love to do that even
if it wasn't like a huge distance you would do
that yeah yeah you would do that you would like
and you would complete it too yeah it sounds
so miserable to me i mean oh my god nothing i
would I don't know if there's anything I want
to do less than what you just explained right
now. I love the whole idea of just pulling into
a little tiny town in the middle of nowhere that's
hardly even on the map and meeting people and
trying to figure out border crossings. I think
it would be good. I love this. You said Africa
too. Can you lock it? What's that? Oh, at the
bike? Yeah, can you lock it? Lock the porch.
But you have, like, an adventure bike, don't
you? Yeah, a little one, though. Not the big
ones like they do. Just I'm still kind of learning.
You got a Harley, though, right? It's on -road
off -road. No, it's a Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Oh,
okay, okay. Kawasaki. Kawasaki. You got to have
at least a 12, right? No, it's a 300. It's small.
Yeah. I look like a, I look like a circus bear
on a bicycle. Yeah. It's the first motorcycle
I ever owned. So yeah, I got it during the pandemic
and I was like, I'm going to learn to ride before
I started doing comedy. Yeah. Now that took the
place after I broke my back. Yeah. Yeah. It's
a Kawasaki versus V E R S Y S. That's it over
there on the right -hand side. Oh, right here?
Yeah. Versus X3. Well, yeah. Oh, there it is.
No. It's Spokane. Hold up. Nope. To the left.
The green one. Oh, right here? Or this one? Yeah.
Similar to the one you just had. Oh, okay. Let's
go back to that. Yeah. It's like that. Huh. That's
nice. Yeah. I'm just lying. That is nice, though.
That's more like it. That's what I'm saying.
That's a Ninja. If you keep spelling in the bar,
V -E -R -S -Y -S, it's the same engine as the
Ninja, but the gearing is different. And, yeah.
Like, see the one on the top row all the way
to the right? Right here? Yeah, one to the left.
There you go. All right. That's what I have.
And that is a scooter. It looks like it. Man,
I would ride that. It's like in between like
a sport and a touring. Yeah, exactly. They call
it an ADV style bike. And so I've got like an
80 -20 tire on the back so I can ride trails
and stuff like that. I don't have the big saddlebag
things in the back or whatever. I could not take
mine off -road, dude. I had an 883. Okay, yeah.
And that is not going off -road, man. Yeah, but
that one doesn't wobble at interstate speed.
So like the bike I have, it'll go 75, but it's
not a comfortable 75. Oh, man. Yeah, for real.
Pass Alex going with his van. I think it was
ago like 55. What's that? What's the comfortable?
55 yeah, yeah, and I could tell when I'm behind
You know the speed limit in Japan on most of
their highways is 80 kph which is 55 miles an
hour, so that's perfect Good time fact. He just
gave a good time fact about Japan to you. He's
so joyful about it. You're welcome. That's good.
I like that. Ask me another question. Isn't Texas
getting like a... You have me on this show once
every 18 months. You may as well ask me. Dan,
you can come back anytime you want. You're the
fucking man. Oh, yeah, man. Brandon, what you
got? Like a question to ask Dan? Yes. No, not
really. Hold on. Let me think of something like,
let's see, something that. Advice you need. Advice
that I need. All right, man. Let's see. Damn,
this is a good one. This is a good one. This
is a good one. Let me think of something. This
is your only chance. This is my only chance.
This is why I'm trying to think of a good one.
Hold on, man. Dig deep. Damn, let me dig deep.
Let me dig deep. Let me dig, dig, dig, dig, dig
deep. All right, so I guess. If I could travel
anywhere, what would be, like, the best spot
to live? And, like, live how I want to live.
Okay. All right. I don't know. We'll make it
Thailand. Well, there's a lot of variables in
that. I was going to ask if I could live in one
place, where would it be? No, no. Okay, so are
you saying if you were going to live in a different
place, where would you travel to to live? Or
where do you want to live to be able to travel?
A good place to travel that's affordable. You
don't have to struggle. Are you talking about
living or traveling? Let's see. Living, living.
Oh, living. There you go. Living. Okay, well.
Let me start by saying you live in one of the
best areas. Okay, good. We're already here. This
is the best? No kidding. This is the best. It's
nice. If you don't want to struggle, I tell you
what, this is a pretty comfortable place to be.
That's good. I've lived enough places to know
what we have here. Hell yeah. Our local government
is not overly corrupt. We got issues in our state
that we got to deal with, like private prisons.
I have abortion. Bring that shit back. You know,
every society could be better, but it's generally
affordable, and there's jobs to be had, and you
can get a fair shake here. I mean, as much as
you can anywhere. Hmm. Wait. Here is the best?
I'm not saying the best, but he said if you don't
want to struggle. He said if you don't want to
struggle, he wants to have a good living situation.
We always think of the coastal places, but I
grew up in the hurricane zones, and I'm telling
you, man, I still have family that has to pack
up and evacuate once every two years. And that's
the kind of struggle. You don't realize what
it does to you when you have to pack up everything
you belong, everything you own that you care
about, throw it in your car, and get out of town
in the middle of the night. And then come back
two weeks later and deal with flood damage and
all that kind of stuff. It just changes your
whole outlook on life. So I wouldn't live in
the coastal zones that are like in hurricane
zones. Okay. You know, if you're in a coastal
zone that's not in a hurricane zone, but it's
like a nice place to be, then you got to deal
with tourists and tourist prices and real estate
prices are out of whack. I think, you know, it
just depends on. I would turn around and ask
you, what's most important to you in terms of
your quality of life? What do you value the most?
I guess a really good place that would be good
for a first responder place. Where you can work
and do really good on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, right. So the question is, what do you
mean good for first responders? Where you see
a lot of action? Where you get the most work
and the most benefits. The most work and the
most benefits will be a big city. Big city? That
means you're going to see some crazy stuff. You're
going to see a lot more gunshot wounds. You're
going to see... acts of terrorism. You're going
to see mass casualty events. You're going to
see crazy stuff you're going to have to go into.
It's one thing to go into a house fire or a two
-story apartment that's on fire. It's another
thing to go into a 12 -story building that might
collapse. Or to go into an industrial facility
that's got hazardous chemicals and the whole
place may go up in one single bomb. Guys in Houston
see a lot of stuff if you're emergency management
in Houston. But man, I don't know that... If
you were an adrenaline junkie, maybe. Are you
an adrenaline junkie? I don't know. If you want
to have an impact in people's lives as an emergency
person, a place like this is not a bad one. There's
a 50 -50 chance that the next time I'm riding
my motorcycle, it's going to be you. Trying to
stop the bleeding and get me onto a backboard.
Yeah, you hurt. That's actually 100 % right.
Which is why I might sell my motorcycle. Wow,
wow. I'm just throwing up. I love you, man. They're
going to think Dan's racist. I don't want him
doing it. I'm not racist. I'm just a fan of the
podcast. I've heard too much. I've seen too much.
Thank you, man. Anybody else got questions? Dom?
I already asked. What about you, JJ? Some advice.
I mean, mine is just same as all the financial
stuff we talked about earlier. I'm experiencing
these bills for the first time. That was expensive.
They're about to get in your ass real quick.
But when it's really going to open your eyes
is whenever something fucks up. So it's going
to be like your car. Bam! I need, you said how
much? And then, you know, if you're lucky, it's
like under insurance you only have to pay $500.
But even that can set you back, you know. And
then you got something that they won't cover
and it's going to be something like that. And
you're like, I don't even know how people do
this shit. Dude, I just paid my car insurance
today. It was so expensive. And then you'll get
a relief off that in a couple of months. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And so you get, right, when you turn
25, if you can keep a clean driving record, your
rates will come way, way down. I don't have any
speeding tickets or anything. So that's good.
So just keep doing that. And the other thing,
too, is your car gets a little older. It'll be
easier to insure. But you think of total cost
of ownership. right so it's not just the price
of the car but it's what does it do to everything
else like i got friends who are german cars but
then like you got to have this everything's precious
when it comes to getting oil change or you gotta
get like a new timing belt just you can't just
take it to anything yeah to clamp tire and have
fix that stuff you got to go to the specialty
shop with the specialty thing so the cost of
every single thing is more yeah And then the
insurance, right? Like, if you buy a $50 ,000
car versus a $19 ,000 car, the insurance is triple
compared because of the replacement value, and
it's more likely to be stolen, right? So everything's
more expensive. Yeah, I was buying, like, expensive
cars when I was trying to get, you know, these
madams of the night sluts, Mike's wife. And then,
so, no, what I'm saying, when you're trying to,
you know, when you're trying to be cool, I guess,
is the thing. I had this expensive, like the
Beamer 5 Series, and that was badass. Fucking
insurance was out the roof. Card payment, you're
paying like $400 or $500. No, most some people
with shitty credits paying way more, but like
$500 for some shit, and you got to pay insurance
on top of that, plus pay for rent. Damn. That's
just dumb. Go get you a Honda Accord, and that's
a good car. It's a solid car, and you traded
in right before 100 ,000 miles. Bam. What year?
Trade it in before 100 ,000 miles. Okay. I would
even dig a Honda. You're good to... You are good,
but some of these... You get a 150, 175 at least.
You are good to that. That's why the resale value,
you can get it in before 100. And then you can
go recycle that. Yeah. And then, you know, if
you're buying a car, buy two years used until
you can afford to pay cash for a new car. Because
you don't pay the depreciation when you buy...
A two -year used car. Now, Bernie, you've been
in my car a lot, so you know. Go ahead and look
at the interior. Yeah, I could. Hell yeah, I
could deal with that. And deal with that, right?
Look, that's the future, dude. Dude, that's better
than what I got now. I mean, I could do that.
It's all in the future. Jeez. AI cars. That's
coming. I know. Dude, AI is about to take over
everything. You know that. Yeah, I get it. I
mean, it's not even close to being there. Like,
it's going to in the next five years. Yeah. The
change will be insane. There's going to be so
many people out of work, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh,
yeah. We haven't even started to grapple with
what that's going to mean. That's right. It's
like entire industries of people have nothing
to do with it. Why do you need them? Yeah. Why
do you need accountants? Why do you need them?
You damn sure don't need that. You don't need
an accountant now. Right. In fact, what are they
doing eating our food? What are they? That's
right. It's so many jobs that you can do with
that so much faster. You know what I'm saying?
More accurate. We had, well, at this one job
a long time ago that I work at now, we had a
guy send out checks to, like, all these people,
half a million dollars, and no, didn't have routing
numbers on them. You know what I'm talking about?
Okay. You know who wouldn't do that? Yeah. Yeah.
Right. True. Right. So you're going to, I mean,
it's just a mistake. It can happen to anybody.
Not really. Shouldn't. Well, it could happen
to anybody. And then with something like that,
AI is not going to make that mistake. It's just
going to make more sense for an owner of something
to utilize that, only use humans for the things
that they can only do. This is exactly the point.
I don't want to live in a world without mistakes.
Same here. I don't want to live in a world that's
perfect. I think it's going to be a frightening,
claustrophobic, bland, horrible, meaningless.
We need the dirty stuff of human existence. We
need the miscommunications, the misconnects.
I promise you I'm going to do something. I don't
do it. You know, I make mistakes. Because all
of that is the stuff of humanity. Yeah. True.
After that, what do we want? It's crazy. I feel
like, I don't know. I wonder whether live performance
will have a resurgence once people come to. understand
like what the you know the disconnect will be
once robots have replaced so much of what people
are doing when people are reading novels that
are written by ai that's crazy why why would
you do it made by ai yeah oh absolutely what
you like and it'll tell you about it absolutely
absolutely yeah and i they're the ones that really
scare me somebody talked about it the other night
at uh at um alex's show at fat sammy's the um
black panther hidden dragon somebody talked about
it they didn't really have a joke yet but they
were their premise they were ranting about um
this trend where um it's mostly women right now
but they have these chat relationships with an
AI boyfriend. And the boyfriend tells them what
they want to hear, tells them, you know, I'm
sorry you had a hard day. Tell me more about
what your boss said to you. You know, you're
worth it. You're valid. You're amazing. You know,
I never get tired of listening to you. And like
all the things that, all the things that like
a girlfriend needs to hear, this chat bot is
like really good at it. And it'll send emojis.
and stuff to give her all the stuff that she
needs and it can go into sexting right so then
the whole thing starts to be sexting it'll send
pictures that like sex pictures right and so
there are girls that there's like articles in
the new york times that i've read about this
where girls have like actual relationships multi
-year relationships now with chatbots I think
what that's going to do to human interaction
and the very fabric of our society is going to
tear us apart. Maybe Elon Musk is right. It's
going to be weird. Elon might be right about
the population thing. I thought he was full of
shit. But that is right. People are going to
stop fucking. Yeah. It's too messy. If you don't
value the mess, it's too messy to try to actually
risk everything and have a meaningful... Human
interaction. Yeah. Aren't they offering money
for people to have kids right now? Yeah. Well,
they're talking about it. It's really hard. Yeah.
They're, they're, they're, they're like, no.
Yeah, man. And aren't y 'all worried about like
possibly in the future, maybe AI being able to
control itself where it's like somebody will
try to shut it down. It won't let it, it'll just
start making more of itself. Oh yeah. They've
already had like, we're almost there. We're almost
there. Yeah. Well, that's why I say please and
thank you when I ask AI to do something. Did
you read that article that said that that costs
OpenAI millions of dollars a year? Yeah. People
saying please and thank you. Hell no. I don't
care. I'm saving my ass. Me too. Yeah, that's
right. You don't want to get on the wrong side
of our future. overlords yeah that would be terrifying
but the ai is gonna be broken up into like gangs
though you know like like systems of the government
they're not all the same each of them have a
different information and they can blackmail
you they could blackmail me right now i asked
some shit i said can you delete this whole thread
forever and they said we keep it for 30 days
what was the conversation before that well no
Can you delete this forever? No, I'll tell you
guys later. But I didn't ask it anything yet.
I asked it. I said, what happens? I was like,
can I ask you a question? And you delete the
thread right after I ask it. And they were like,
we cannot delete threads. All right. We cannot
delete threads. That tells you something right
there. Yeah, and then they were like, if you
delete it and you change your settings, it will
be deleted so you can see it, but it'll be there
for 30 to 60 days for law enforcement or anything
like that. Swear to God. Damn. So they're snitches,
but they got good information on there. Damn.
really gone into some dark territory on today's
comedy podcast. I feel responsible. This is what
it is. This is what it is. AI's going to take
over. They're going to show all the Brandon secrets.
Hey, I think I texted you. I texted you one time.
I was listening to Clown College while I was
driving. I didn't have it on video. It wasn't
YouTube. It was just the podcast. And it had
gotten way late. I had been down in Florida seeing
my dad. I was on some dark country road for most
of the way up. I finally got back to a part of
the interstate or got onto the interstate and
then got to a truck stop. So I just needed to
kind of like close my eyes for a little bit and
catch up. So I fell asleep listening to the podcast
and my dreams went sideways. I was having these
weird kind of inception dreams. The world was
upside down. And I woke up, and it was Brandon
talking to Pat Grice. Oh, shit. And y 'all were
talking about something so insane. I was like,
I just had to hit pause and go inside and see
the lady behind the counter at the truck stop
just to make sure I was back in reality. I was
like, hey, can you punch me in the face just
to make sure I'm still alive? Oh, my God. That's
crazy. What do you mean? Punch you in the face?
Like punch you in the eye? Damn, man. I love
you, Pat. He does. I guess me and Dan. We all
love you, Pat, baby. All right, Dan, the ghostly
Muhammad Ali means where he reached our time.
I fucked that up. because i have the ghost now
it's been a long day it's been a long weekend
all right all right don't judge me bernie congratulations
and everybody raise a glass to dom running a
a paid set at levity live hey thank you guys
thank you guys i'll show you my payment when
we get out yeah in front of an actual audience
jake would also like an invoice Anything you
got going on? This will be out in a week. Yeah,
yeah. We got a couple of shows coming up May
9th. And then again, July 11th are Friday night
shows where I'm doing 30 minutes. Hell, yeah.
Homegrown comedy show. Homegrown, hell, yeah.
Straight to ill here in Huntsville. And then
I'm going to be on the Fat Jams at Interspace
Brewing on, I think, May 17th. Oh, yeah. Okay,
okay. Hell, yeah. Yeah, and then, you know, open
mics at Go -Go. And, you know, I'm available
for hire for corporate events and weddings and
bat mitzvahs. And beast at it. Yeah, whatever
you need. And it'll be fun. It won't be like
a weird, yeah. And there's probably some sketch
comedy stuff coming up, too. I know there's a
bunch of things ramping up at Shenanigans. You're
Charlie. What's that? You're Charlie on one of
our skits. Oh, God, and you're another. Oh, I
can't wait. Oh, and we've made this. We've made
a couple of skits, yeah. We had this entire conversation
without talking about the one video sketch that
will haunt me for the rest of my life. It will,
but it'll be so good. Like, it's going to be
good. Let's just say I have constructed a stage
character that is clean and is very much a father
figure because that's sort of where I'm at in
life. And this goes against type. Yeah, it goes
against type all the way because it's a Clown
College production. When do you think that's
going to launch? Are you going to launch it on
the show? You just got to do that other scene.
Yeah, yeah. We're going to release it as a short,
too. Okay. Because that one's going to be less
than a minute. i mean or like i mean it should
be 90 seconds yeah or whatever the the threshold
is i'm pretty sure it'd be under that because
and it's bang bang bang funny so okay that's
fine that's that's you think it's funny how did
you think it went No, I legit think it's funny.
I thought it was funny the whole time. As long
as you got down, you had to get. See, I don't
know what Scott was going for, but I wanted your
face to be like you're being brave. Like you
were thinking, but we got both. So we got you
being like, hey, you know, I'll do it. But I
thought it would be funnier being brave, but
I don't know. I might be wrong, and we'll see
whenever we edit it. But what I thought was great
about that was I got the. the script two hours
before we did it we did an open mic we did the
showcase and then we went an alley behind the
place and shot it and everybody kind of knew
their their role uh we did multiple takes and
got it done got it it didn't feel like kind of
high school guys trying to pull something together
it felt like people who Saw the vision, wanted
to knock it out. We were in, we were out. It
was good. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, first of
all, it's going to be funny. I don't care for
who you are. If you watch that, you don't think
it's funny. What did your friend think? Was he
shaking his head on the way home like, I wouldn't
do that? No, no, no. He loved it. He was like,
damn, that shit was cool. First of all, I told
him we were doing it right. He's on the phone
getting ready to come down. Okay. So he lives
outside of town where him and my other boy, Jermaine,
they were driving up here. So he's going in town
to his mama's house. I didn't know that. He had
me on speakerphone. I'm like, oh, and we're going
to shoot this skit. And I told him the premise
of the skit. Yeah. He's like, my mama right here.
She was like, hey, Daphne. I was like, ow. I
was like, it's not my skit. It's not my skit.
I didn't write it. What did she think of the
idea? Did she thought it was funny or no? She
didn't laugh. No, no, no, no, no. That's right.
No, she laughed. She thought it was funny. That's
right. All right. We're out. Well, hey, thanks
for having me on. Hell yeah, baby. Thanks for
being here, man. Thank you so much. Hell yeah.
Hate Scrappy -Doo.