WEBVTT

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This week on Clown College. Oh, we got to take

00:00:05.099 --> 00:00:06.759
you out to milk some cows. I know somebody with

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a cow. I'd happily do it with pleasure. I bet.

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It's like one of those preacher things he's been

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on. Yeah, but we're milking cows. Huh? Why are

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you saying it like that? Let me back up. Why

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the fuck did I say it like that? I was just saying,

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yeah, we're milking cows. We're all going to

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be milking cows. That came from somewhere deep

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inside you. That's something you've been thinking

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about for a while without realizing you were

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thinking about it. I got nothing on cows, man.

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You got to get that milk. Okay. Welcome to Clown

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College. We have profound knowledge in many ways

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to elevate and make your sound polished. So if

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you want to hear a little honest, a few takes

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on a way to make it as a comic, then stick around

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for a while to fit down to clown. We've got a

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guest right now just to show you how. Let's all

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go to Clown College, baby. It's with Brandon,

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Bayless, Tom, and JJ. Let's all go to Clown College,

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baby. It's with Brandon Willis, Don and JJ. It's

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a big step. I do like it, though. You enjoy the

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peace. And I can't go back. Yes. That's right.

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My roommates, thankfully, they're chill dudes.

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They're not partiers or anything, and they clean

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up after themselves. That's huge. Yeah. But I

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haven't even been there. I've been living in

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a hotel for the past month and a half. Whose

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name is on the lease? Do you have the lease or

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all three of y 'all? I think it's under Blake's

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name, which that's how it should be. Makes sense.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's responsible. You pay him

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your part. We're in like a portal thing. We can

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all log in and pay our part. Oh, that's cool.

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Yeah, things have changed since I had roommates

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in an apartment. For the internet and stuff,

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I cash app him the money. I trust him. He's a

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good dude. Wears collared shirts and stuff. Hey,

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so the new thing is if you're using online. you

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know, payment, if you're using Venmo or Cash

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App or, you know, Zelle Pay or whatever. If you

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go over $600 a year, there's a special form you've

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got to get for your tax filing every year. Are

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you serious? I'm 100 % serious. Hold on. So if

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you go under $600, sending or receiving? Either

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one. That's stupid. I mean, everybody's going

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to go over $600. It's probably receiving. Yeah,

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so that's the thing. So if you're constantly

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trading back and forth, like, hey, I'll pick

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up your meal, you pick up my meal, you know,

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all that kind of stuff, you've got to at least

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file the form with your taxes. Oh, man. Yeah,

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I did that on this text, guys. Yeah. I'll try

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that next time. It's new. IRS is new. Yeah. They'll

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start to kick it back. And what they're looking

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for is whether or not you're actually making

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money if it's income. If it's sale. Yeah, if

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you're like, yeah, yeah. And so there's a certain

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margin for the back and forth stuff. But just

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be aware that that's a thing. They had to crack

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down on that because people were borrowing so

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much money from Cash App because they started

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doing that money lending thing. And people would...

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Just get crazy debt. You can get money lending

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for DoorDash now. I've seen it. I've seen it.

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And I tell you what, I think that is the thing

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that scares me most about where we are as a country.

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If you've got to break down your Taco Bell delivery

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into four equal payments, you probably just need

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to cook at home. I'm serious. You can't borrow

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money for anything smaller than a Taco Bell purchase.

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You know what I mean? So at that point, if you

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can't afford your Taco Bell purchases, where

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are we? In our whole economy, are we able to

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make next year's payments or two years' payments?

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Absolutely not. We're at the bottom end of our

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economy is what I'm saying. If you're at the

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point, I've been there, bro. So buy gold, get

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out of the U .S. dollar. I know. I've been there.

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Back in the day, if I would have had that option,

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I would have 100 % did it. I would have just

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been like, that was dumb. I was like, I don't

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have any money. fuck i'm hungry i'm getting a

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steakhouse now so if and if i'm and if i'm borrowing

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it and i've had to pay payments on it definitely

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getting the most expensive thing yeah see that's

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how i would have thought back there now i know

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it's dumb as fuck yeah i mean the dumbest shit

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you could ever do is to put doordash on layaway

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it's crazy or anything on layaway and this is

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an interesting thing right that i listened to

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a guy say that debt is really just a claim on

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future earnings. When you think of it that way,

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that changes everything. When you go into a little

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bit of debt here, you're putting a claim on next

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month's paycheck. That's true. Or next week's

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paycheck. Debt is a claim on future earnings.

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Just that understanding changes the way you see

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everything. You look like you're going on debt

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on buying radiators. How are you doing that?

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That's how I buy my action figures, man. He's

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got to intimidate them. Like I'll do a car payment

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on them. On action figures? Yeah. What do you

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mean a card payment? If it's a limited edition,

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I'll be like, $15, we'll start off. How much

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do these things cost? Oh, like $50. If you can't

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buy it, then you just don't buy it. Yeah, if

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you don't have the extra $50, just hang tight.

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Action figures, brother. Just wait a while, then

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they'll come down in price when people realize

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they're not actually worth anything. Look, you're

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looking at somebody who grew up in the 80s. My

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mom had invested heavily in the Beanie Baby craze

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in the 1990s. Damn. I mean, we had all these

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rare Beanie Babies that were going to supposedly

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be worth $1 ,500 or whatever. Yeah. That's why

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I went into ROTC for college. Hell yeah, man.

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Brandon, how many of these things have you financed?

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How many times have I used Clonera? Sure. Yeah.

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Well, I mean, it depends on life situations.

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I'll be like, oh, man, let me do that. How many

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times? Give me a rough estimate. Well, thankfully,

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I don't own nothing now because I always pay

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it on time. Brent, how many times have you used

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this? That's good. How many times have I used

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it? Once a month. Okay, so now. Wait. So once

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a month you buy an action figure. Not just action

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figures, like lifestyle, like anything. Okay,

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okay. Like a book or something for class. Yeah,

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that's reasonable. That's reasonable. I actually

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figure that's more rare. That's every once in

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a while. I'm like, man, we can't afford that

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right now. I feel like you're lying to us. No,

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no. I feel like you're fibbing a little bit.

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I look like I'm lying. Maybe it's this tank top

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I found in the closet. But yeah, man, it's like

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nowadays, I'm like, nah, man. Nah, we gotta get

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stuff. But you don't know. You gotta know. You

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guys are young. Oh, yeah, it was a reward. I

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didn't know until I was well into my 30s. Do

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you have an emergency fund at all? Emergency

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fund? Yeah. Dan! All right, so listen. Just discover.

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You do need to have a savings account with just

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at least $1 ,000 in it. Ooh, I haven't even seen

00:07:03.910 --> 00:07:07.589
that. Yeah, yeah. Get that set up. Have you ever

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had $1 ,000 in your bank account? The only time

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I've had $1 ,000 is when I got a loan from school.

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Yeah, so see. That was it. That was it. Right.

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So you got to think you're working right there.

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I know, but you're working, right? Yep. Public

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part -time. Yeah. If you got to build it up $10

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at a time, it's worth it. That's what I'm going

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to do. I mean, I do have like the 401k. Yeah.

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But I don't know if that's. Oh, you got a 401k?

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Yeah, but that's it. I mean, he's been there

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for 14 years. Well, I've been there since I was

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in middle school. I was 14, now I'm 22. Yeah,

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so now Publix is a great deal. Publix is a privately

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owned company, right? Yeah. Do you have stock

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in Publix? Do you have stock options because

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you've been unemployed? You do. You should. But

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I think they do automatically enroll you. You

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should. That might be more. Worth more than you

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think right now. So just make sure that you protect

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that. And he's about to pass. He only has one

00:08:04.660 --> 00:08:06.660
more test. I know. He was selling it. That's

00:08:06.660 --> 00:08:08.980
exciting. Get a 79 or at least an 80 on it. That's

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exciting. We got our certificate. That's exciting.

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So after this, though, then you got to tighten

00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:15.800
up on your financials because you want to get

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an apartment. Yes, I do. So then that's when

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the savings come into play. And you don't have

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to worry about playing the whole. deposit and

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then all of that rent for the first month all

00:08:26.860 --> 00:08:29.560
in one go yeah that's right you save it and you'll

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have something and then we'll help you find stuff

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for the place but get you your main thing save

00:08:34.379 --> 00:08:36.100
you enough money get you a place that has to

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happen true yeah you're married now you got to

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get your play especially once i get into like

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once i know i'm in the fire department because

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that's the one that mainly pays once i get into

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that But you get paid once you start getting

00:08:46.470 --> 00:08:47.950
into the school, right? For fire department.

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Yes, once you start doing academy training. Yeah,

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you start to get paid. And then you got to keep

00:08:53.370 --> 00:08:55.809
that up. But you got to pass everything. Save

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enough for a new apartment and a better car.

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It's acting weird. It's shaking now. And then

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the lock button keeps turning. The light keeps

00:09:02.970 --> 00:09:05.070
coming on. I'm like, I know it's locked. I know

00:09:05.070 --> 00:09:07.289
it's locked. Why is the light keep on clicking

00:09:07.289 --> 00:09:10.480
the highway? Yeah, yeah, that's not that's not

00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:22.259
safe So you saying so you saying that I'm not

00:09:22.259 --> 00:09:25.100
so what happens is the car I will literally check

00:09:25.100 --> 00:09:27.460
I'll be like impresses our president manly. What

00:09:27.460 --> 00:09:30.600
are you talking about though? Okay, yeah, this

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is locked and I'll try to open it won't open

00:09:32.600 --> 00:09:35.919
my lights like you'll still like, you know when

00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:37.379
the door is open that light will come on yeah

00:09:37.379 --> 00:09:39.519
so that light will come on and then it'll flicker

00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:41.620
so you're not saying actually locked you're just

00:09:41.620 --> 00:09:43.440
saying that they're saying the door is open yeah

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it'll keep doors ajar yeah and i keep doing that

00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:47.320
and i'm looking at the door and i'm like i know

00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:49.340
it's locked but it's like i still like when i

00:09:49.340 --> 00:09:50.659
get some money i'm going to try to figure this

00:09:50.659 --> 00:09:53.120
out yeah then didn't you get into break though

00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:56.019
A while back. But even before then, it wasn't

00:09:56.019 --> 00:09:57.460
doing that. It just started doing that, like,

00:09:57.480 --> 00:09:59.480
after a week ago, after I got my whole change.

00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:01.960
You wear your seatbelt? Every day. Good. Dude,

00:10:01.980 --> 00:10:04.139
I will not. You got to have something to keep

00:10:04.139 --> 00:10:05.799
you in the car. Especially with that class. It's

00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:07.460
like, after the stuff they showed us, man, I'm

00:10:07.460 --> 00:10:09.980
good. 100%. Everybody got to wear a seatbelt,

00:10:10.059 --> 00:10:12.220
man. That's right. Fuck that. I'm sorry. Hey,

00:10:12.259 --> 00:10:13.980
so this has been a fun conversation so far. When

00:10:13.980 --> 00:10:17.519
does the comedy podcast start? Are we doing it

00:10:17.519 --> 00:10:21.940
already? It's in an hour. This is an educational.

00:10:21.940 --> 00:10:23.779
This is a financial literacy portion of the.

00:10:25.640 --> 00:10:28.860
brought to you by the rocket money app let's

00:10:28.860 --> 00:10:31.080
go dude i downloaded that that was a mistake

00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:33.340
i didn't need to know how much money i spent

00:10:33.340 --> 00:10:36.840
you pay money to see how much money yeah dude

00:10:36.840 --> 00:10:38.620
let me tell you something let me tell you a fucking

00:10:38.620 --> 00:10:41.259
hack i just started doing that but uh chat gpt

00:10:41.259 --> 00:10:44.440
man Pay for ChatGPT. It takes so much shit. I'm

00:10:44.440 --> 00:10:47.519
on Blake's account. Yeah, so you make a project.

00:10:47.740 --> 00:10:50.279
I make it my, like I got one for what I need

00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:52.580
to do to get a house, blah, blah, blah. And it's

00:10:52.580 --> 00:10:54.360
just your school right there. And then I take

00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:56.559
my bank statement and put it all in there. I

00:10:56.559 --> 00:11:00.419
see how much I spend on DoorDash. It could tell

00:11:00.419 --> 00:11:04.440
me how much I spend on cigarettes and gas. And

00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:06.659
then what's all bullshit I'm spending on. And

00:11:06.659 --> 00:11:08.500
then you can finally know so you know what you're

00:11:08.500 --> 00:11:10.419
spending your money on. Yeah. That's the first

00:11:10.419 --> 00:11:13.100
step. I've been using it. Me and Blake have been

00:11:13.100 --> 00:11:15.299
using it. And I was waiting for Dan to get on

00:11:15.299 --> 00:11:17.139
the podcast so I could talk to him about this.

00:11:17.220 --> 00:11:19.840
We have a business venture that I think you should

00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:22.559
support. Okay. Our dream. I'm in. Our dream.

00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:25.820
My true dream since retiring from stand -up comedy

00:11:25.820 --> 00:11:28.740
has been I want to open up an ice cream shop.

00:11:29.059 --> 00:11:31.100
Right on. With my friends. That's great. And

00:11:31.100 --> 00:11:33.570
we're going to call it Milkies. And that's it.

00:11:33.710 --> 00:11:36.690
We just used the chat GPT to make a logo. It's

00:11:36.690 --> 00:11:39.289
a shark with an ice cream cone. It's pretty sick.

00:11:39.370 --> 00:11:42.590
Damn. Open up that checkbook, baby. First of

00:11:42.590 --> 00:11:44.169
all, I don't invest in companies. I invest in

00:11:44.169 --> 00:11:48.070
people. So 100 % I'll invest in Milkies if that's

00:11:48.070 --> 00:11:50.629
what you finally decide you really want to call

00:11:50.629 --> 00:11:54.409
it. Maybe sleep on that one for a bit. It has

00:11:54.409 --> 00:11:57.350
to be that. I feel like a milky is something

00:11:57.350 --> 00:11:59.169
you can pay for in Thailand. You know what I

00:11:59.169 --> 00:12:02.870
mean? Exactly. Well, we plan on expanding eventually.

00:12:03.110 --> 00:12:04.190
You want to run that one by Urban Dictionary

00:12:04.190 --> 00:12:08.389
and just make sure. It was a dude on YouTube.

00:12:08.509 --> 00:12:11.470
This is how deep we got into it. He's like the

00:12:11.470 --> 00:12:14.669
king of the frozen desserts industry. Starting

00:12:14.669 --> 00:12:17.429
your own business and premium frozen desserts.

00:12:17.870 --> 00:12:22.309
He was talking about ice creams and what it takes.

00:12:22.869 --> 00:12:25.710
The infrastructure to get it to what you want

00:12:25.710 --> 00:12:28.710
it to be, and the butterfat content, and how

00:12:28.710 --> 00:12:31.909
much air is in, pushed through the ice cream

00:12:31.909 --> 00:12:34.789
and the machine. And I realized that I was too

00:12:34.789 --> 00:12:38.350
retarded to do that. So hold on, ice cream scared

00:12:38.350 --> 00:12:41.570
you? Yeah. That's crazy. Wait, are you saying

00:12:41.570 --> 00:12:43.389
now that I've decided to invest, you're backing

00:12:43.389 --> 00:12:45.250
out? No, I'm saying that we're going to have

00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:49.330
to outsource our engineering for this. Don't

00:12:49.330 --> 00:12:56.200
waffle on me. Unless it's a cone. Hell yeah.

00:12:56.460 --> 00:12:59.139
Well, our other investor is Kanye West. One joke

00:12:59.139 --> 00:13:04.919
every 15 minutes is all we promise. I think it's

00:13:04.919 --> 00:13:08.360
a great idea. You can have a clown college flavor.

00:13:08.840 --> 00:13:13.799
What would that be? Neapolitan? It has to have

00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:17.960
a hardened fudge cone. Yes, it does. What's the

00:13:17.960 --> 00:13:20.600
candy on the outside? A dip cone. Yeah, it has

00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:24.600
to be dipped. Yes, please. That's the outside

00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:28.600
and the inside is a swirl. Yeah. Come on. That's

00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:31.039
the Clown College fucking cone. Okay. Yeah, double

00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:33.879
chocolate vanilla swirl. Yes. I like the back

00:13:33.879 --> 00:13:38.919
of my head. Oh. Hell yeah. Just like it. I got

00:13:38.919 --> 00:13:40.440
a swirl back here, man. The back of Brandon's

00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:42.879
head. I do. I have to cover it up because I got

00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:45.919
the swirl. It's a birthmark. Are you being a

00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:48.220
calic? I guess it's something back here that

00:13:48.220 --> 00:13:50.659
swirls up. Yeah. Like it looks like... You said

00:13:50.659 --> 00:13:52.399
birthmark. If you shave your head, is there a

00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:54.879
mark there? No, it's like if it gets cut short

00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:57.779
like this, I have to literally fix it right.

00:13:57.899 --> 00:13:59.480
If you shave your head, is there a mark there,

00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:01.340
like a birthmark on your... Oh, no, no. It's

00:14:01.340 --> 00:14:03.159
like if I have hair. The hair... Yeah, it's a

00:14:03.159 --> 00:14:05.860
cowlick. I guess it's a cowlick. Can I get free

00:14:05.860 --> 00:14:09.019
ice cream? No. Yeah. We'll get you some. Man,

00:14:09.019 --> 00:14:10.539
I love you, man. He's going to be there every

00:14:10.539 --> 00:14:12.340
day if you give him free ice cream. You're going

00:14:12.340 --> 00:14:16.220
to mess up my life. I feel like we've already

00:14:16.220 --> 00:14:19.679
kind of started working out. Yeah. You've set

00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:23.580
your dad a dark road. Milky Road, right? Rocky

00:14:23.580 --> 00:14:27.179
Road. Rocky Road. Ben and Jerry. The Rocky Road

00:14:27.179 --> 00:14:29.659
to Milkies, dude. My bad. Ben and Jerry's? No.

00:14:29.940 --> 00:14:32.100
Fuck them, right? Yeah, they ain't got shit on

00:14:32.100 --> 00:14:34.620
us. This is exciting. I like it. No, I'm actually,

00:14:34.720 --> 00:14:37.120
I sat down and thought about it, and I was like,

00:14:37.139 --> 00:14:39.200
I could be pretty happy if I did that with my

00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:41.960
life. I'm happy for you. More so than a lot of

00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:45.919
other things. Don't you do that. What? Encourage

00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:48.700
them? Yes. No, 100%. What's wrong with that?

00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:51.799
How are you going to get the milk, though? That's

00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:53.480
a great question. I haven't thought about it.

00:14:53.580 --> 00:14:56.980
You think of logistics of everything? Where you're

00:14:56.980 --> 00:14:59.279
going to make most of your money is summertime,

00:14:59.500 --> 00:15:05.240
right? Milk sales. So you're going to milk cows,

00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:09.179
huh? Yeah. Cool. We can try. Oh, we got to take

00:15:09.179 --> 00:15:10.860
you out to milk some cows. I know somebody with

00:15:10.860 --> 00:15:16.190
a cow. I'd happily do it with pleasure. I bet.

00:15:18.070 --> 00:15:20.289
It's like one of those creature things he's been

00:15:20.289 --> 00:15:25.090
wanting. Yeah, but we're milking cows. Huh? Why

00:15:25.090 --> 00:15:27.610
do you say it like that? Let me back up. Why

00:15:27.610 --> 00:15:30.330
the fuck did I say it like that? I was just saying,

00:15:30.389 --> 00:15:31.950
yeah, we're milking cows. We're all going to

00:15:31.950 --> 00:15:33.570
be milking cows. That came from somewhere deep

00:15:33.570 --> 00:15:35.809
inside you. That's something you've been thinking

00:15:35.809 --> 00:15:38.129
about for a while without realizing you were

00:15:38.129 --> 00:15:40.590
thinking about it. I got nothing on cows, man.

00:15:40.649 --> 00:15:44.730
You got to get that milk. Okay. That's how you

00:15:44.730 --> 00:15:46.049
got to do it. What type of milk do you want?

00:15:46.090 --> 00:15:49.450
Whole milk? I don't think that's from how you

00:15:49.450 --> 00:15:52.830
milk the cow. Which cow has the 2 % and which

00:15:52.830 --> 00:15:55.149
one has the whole? Oh, man, dude. Well, and if

00:15:55.149 --> 00:15:57.809
you get a butter cow, you're screwed. You try

00:15:57.809 --> 00:16:00.110
milking it and it just takes forever. Your forearms

00:16:00.110 --> 00:16:00.970
are going to be soaked. Is that like a bull?

00:16:02.730 --> 00:16:05.529
Yeah. Yeah, kind of. It'll come out buttery.

00:16:06.570 --> 00:16:07.909
Thicker consistency than milk. That's when you

00:16:07.909 --> 00:16:10.490
realize you made a mistake. Huh? That's when

00:16:10.490 --> 00:16:11.769
you realize you made a mistake. How do you think

00:16:11.769 --> 00:16:14.769
you get butter? Not the bull. Yeah, it's bull

00:16:14.769 --> 00:16:17.909
jizz. That's how you think it gets. I can't do

00:16:17.909 --> 00:16:21.549
butter no more, man. It's butter good. When you

00:16:21.549 --> 00:16:23.169
have butter on a toast, it's good. Yeah, but

00:16:23.169 --> 00:16:26.129
that has to be a cow. No, it's bull jizz. Oh,

00:16:26.269 --> 00:16:28.909
man. But it hardens. See, this will make me stay

00:16:28.909 --> 00:16:30.669
away from butter, man. I feel bad for the bull.

00:16:30.669 --> 00:16:32.149
See, you're actually going to make him believe

00:16:32.149 --> 00:16:35.049
this. No, and guess what? I don't. I know it's

00:16:35.049 --> 00:16:38.009
cow. Brandon, what do you often see on sticks

00:16:38.009 --> 00:16:40.409
of butter? I know it because my friend, he accidentally

00:16:40.409 --> 00:16:43.250
milked a bull or tried to milk a bull. And he

00:16:43.250 --> 00:16:45.669
was like, there's no fucking way. That's just

00:16:45.669 --> 00:16:48.990
not what I said. This wasn't me. This was him.

00:16:49.029 --> 00:16:51.129
He made that path. I learned from that path,

00:16:51.330 --> 00:16:53.190
which I mean, I knew at the beginning. I knew.

00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:56.159
I was like, I know. What? What the fuck? What

00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:58.159
the fuck is happening? What'd you learn on the

00:16:58.159 --> 00:17:00.340
path? Well, me, I knew from the beginning. I

00:17:00.340 --> 00:17:01.919
was like, that's stupid because, dude, bull,

00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:04.519
they don't produce milk, man. They produce the

00:17:04.519 --> 00:17:06.119
stuff we were just talking about. You know what

00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:09.619
I mean. Butter. Cow yogurt. That's right. Yeah.

00:17:11.180 --> 00:17:13.940
That, uh, yeah. Where were you guys at where

00:17:13.940 --> 00:17:16.500
you were milking bulls? I wasn't there. He told

00:17:16.500 --> 00:17:19.140
me about it. And what did he do? He said he was

00:17:19.140 --> 00:17:20.859
trying to milk a cow. He thought it was a cow

00:17:20.859 --> 00:17:22.519
and he realized it was a bull, which I'm like,

00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:25.019
how do you? I don't know. That sounds like he

00:17:25.019 --> 00:17:26.900
was at a rodeo and trying to get the legendary

00:17:26.900 --> 00:17:30.000
tornado bull's sperm to get it to breed. I don't

00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.640
know where he was. Is it the same friend that

00:17:32.640 --> 00:17:35.359
we met? Yes. Well, that makes a lot of sense.

00:17:35.539 --> 00:17:38.299
Yeah, that's exactly what it is. I think he told

00:17:38.299 --> 00:17:41.250
you he thought it was a cow. Who knows? Maybe

00:17:41.250 --> 00:17:44.089
he knew. He asked for Brandon's feet pictures

00:17:44.089 --> 00:17:46.349
and paid the money for them and all that. I'm

00:17:46.349 --> 00:17:47.869
starting to catch on to the fact that I have

00:17:47.869 --> 00:17:50.369
been drinking the wrong beverage before this

00:17:50.369 --> 00:17:54.130
podcast. Ice coffee was not the direction I needed

00:17:54.130 --> 00:17:57.289
to take this afternoon. You really fucking think

00:17:57.289 --> 00:17:59.950
you're coming, baby? I'm so lost right now. Where

00:17:59.950 --> 00:18:03.059
am I right now? Well, a lot of people lost. That's

00:18:03.059 --> 00:18:05.059
why we have to decipher it. When we have to get

00:18:05.059 --> 00:18:07.720
to the bottom, his friend went jacked off a bull.

00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:10.180
Basically. And then he's telling him that he

00:18:10.180 --> 00:18:12.380
thought it was a cow. Sometimes people got to

00:18:12.380 --> 00:18:15.279
do it for medical science. Animal husbandry requires

00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:17.680
it sometimes. Nope, without a doubt. If he wasn't

00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:20.240
doing that as part of his job on the farm, then

00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:22.160
that's just a problem. He works at Walmart. There's

00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:24.680
nothing medical. Well, where do they get that?

00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:27.700
Now I'm not even sure that was a bull. This was

00:18:27.700 --> 00:18:30.420
just him on the farm. This was him on the farm.

00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:33.680
In the country. You're fucking with animals,

00:18:33.819 --> 00:18:38.680
cows. They do that. Nah, man. Dan, are you a

00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:42.799
shooter? Are you a good shot with a pistol? Yeah,

00:18:42.819 --> 00:18:44.799
pretty good. You are? Yeah. We went shooting

00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:48.539
with me, Scott, and Alex, and Elliot went shooting

00:18:48.539 --> 00:18:51.640
with Ian Finan. Nice. Yeah, yeah. How did that

00:18:51.640 --> 00:18:55.740
go? That was so fun. It was the shit. I clearly

00:18:55.740 --> 00:18:59.200
was the best. First of all, Scott probably was

00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:01.960
the best, but it was his guns. That makes a difference.

00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:04.000
Yeah. If you don't understand the trigger squeeze

00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:05.839
and all that kind of stuff. What was it, the

00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:09.299
.35? The .45. The .45 was the good one. No. .22

00:19:09.299 --> 00:19:11.980
and the .45, they shot. The 9mm was real bad.

00:19:12.119 --> 00:19:15.279
Dude, it was the heaviest fucking trigger, and

00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:17.640
it was terrible. But the rest of them were good.

00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:19.799
Alex actually did very good on the first time

00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:23.539
on .22. He kept it grouped. Nice. You know Kevin

00:19:23.539 --> 00:19:25.380
Gruth on first go around? That's pretty good.

00:19:25.799 --> 00:19:28.500
Never shooting a pistol. And then Ian did good.

00:19:28.819 --> 00:19:31.740
Alex shot some footage for him. Does Ian shoot

00:19:31.740 --> 00:19:35.240
a lot? He said he was a shooter. You can tell

00:19:35.240 --> 00:19:38.940
he shoots. He's into it. Is that a thing in New

00:19:38.940 --> 00:19:42.500
York City? Did they go to basement ranges? On

00:19:42.500 --> 00:19:46.299
the streets. I think it's more of when he travels

00:19:46.299 --> 00:19:49.660
people take him. He likes to shoot. Because New

00:19:49.660 --> 00:19:52.750
York can't be. There's no way New York has a

00:19:52.750 --> 00:19:54.450
whole bunch of shooting ranges. They're probably

00:19:54.450 --> 00:19:57.589
somewhere. I just don't know. It doesn't feel

00:19:57.589 --> 00:19:59.609
like it's part of the culture there. Yeah. Like

00:19:59.609 --> 00:20:02.230
it is here. Like here we have shooting ranges

00:20:02.230 --> 00:20:04.769
with bars in them. Yeah. Like you shoot first

00:20:04.769 --> 00:20:07.630
and then go have a drink. Yeah, and that's what

00:20:07.630 --> 00:20:10.950
we did. Where'd y 'all go? Bullets and Barrels.

00:20:11.089 --> 00:20:13.049
Bullets and Barrels. In South Huntsville or the

00:20:13.049 --> 00:20:15.250
one over here on County Line? South Huntsville.

00:20:15.569 --> 00:20:18.390
South Huntsville. Yeah, so that was fun. Yeah,

00:20:18.430 --> 00:20:21.859
it's a nice place. And then I got to open for

00:20:21.859 --> 00:20:23.759
him. Well, I got to do a guest spot on there

00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:26.539
twice. You did great. Appreciate it, man. You

00:20:26.539 --> 00:20:30.059
did great. Thanks, man. Yeah. I was so scared.

00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:33.420
We were here. And then it was like. Scott just

00:20:33.420 --> 00:20:35.099
called me like, you want to do a guest spot tonight

00:20:35.099 --> 00:20:37.500
at this club? I'm like, fuck yeah. You know,

00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:40.259
so I look up who's on there and I'm just, I'm

00:20:40.259 --> 00:20:43.039
really slow. So I look it up and I'm like, and

00:20:43.039 --> 00:20:46.319
I swear to God, it's that April 25th. And I clicked

00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.539
on it and I was like, it's a gay black dude,

00:20:49.660 --> 00:20:52.599
which is fine. But it was like, it was like,

00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:57.220
you know. I was listening to his set, and I was

00:20:57.220 --> 00:21:00.980
like, oh, he's smart and articulate, so I don't

00:21:00.980 --> 00:21:02.759
think his crowd's going to like me. You know

00:21:02.759 --> 00:21:04.599
what I mean? So I was nervous, and then I opened

00:21:04.599 --> 00:21:06.519
the green room door. It's Ian Finance. I was

00:21:06.519 --> 00:21:09.660
literally shocked. I was like, what the fuck?

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.160
And he was cool as shit, just sitting in a green

00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:15.660
room chilling. It was like you just knew him

00:21:15.660 --> 00:21:17.400
forever. He was a cool dude. No, that's great.

00:21:17.700 --> 00:21:19.880
Well, first of all, let me just say, I think

00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.980
smart crowds would like you, too. So don't give

00:21:22.980 --> 00:21:24.900
up on a crowd just because they're there to see

00:21:24.900 --> 00:21:27.059
a smart comment. You're likable. Thanks, man.

00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:30.559
You're just, it's impossible not to like you.

00:21:31.380 --> 00:21:34.740
He didn't say smart. We're not taking IQ tests

00:21:34.740 --> 00:21:37.579
again. That was a bad idea from the get -go.

00:21:37.579 --> 00:21:39.819
It wasn't bad. No, that was awesome. Dan warned

00:21:39.819 --> 00:21:44.059
me. So funny. Here's to bad ideas in 2024, man.

00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:47.720
Never raise your ugly heads again. But yeah,

00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:50.700
no, you're likable and your stuff is smart. And

00:21:50.700 --> 00:21:53.079
your stuff is smart. And you're getting better.

00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:56.240
You're comfortable with some of those. You know

00:21:56.240 --> 00:21:57.880
when the punchline is going to be there, and

00:21:57.880 --> 00:21:59.900
so you're able to string it out with the audience

00:21:59.900 --> 00:22:02.180
a little bit. The audience got ahead of you on

00:22:02.180 --> 00:22:05.019
that one. They were laughing at the premise.

00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:07.299
Yeah. They were laughing at the premise about

00:22:07.299 --> 00:22:10.759
Drake. And they were just chuckling because you

00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:12.880
were like, you know, Drake's black and Jewish.

00:22:12.980 --> 00:22:16.039
I'm black and German. And they were like rolling

00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:18.680
waves of laughter just on that idea. And you're

00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:21.039
like, so, you know. And then people were laughing

00:22:21.039 --> 00:22:23.059
again, but you just drew it out and drew it out

00:22:23.059 --> 00:22:25.940
and drew it out. And you're like, better. And

00:22:25.940 --> 00:22:29.099
then it popped. It was like breaking the dam.

00:22:29.220 --> 00:22:31.079
It was great. Yeah, that's because of you. You

00:22:31.079 --> 00:22:34.650
told me. just let it sit because like you literally

00:22:34.650 --> 00:22:36.950
you were like just let it sit sometimes even

00:22:36.950 --> 00:22:39.230
i think a joke's not working if i let it sit

00:22:39.230 --> 00:22:42.309
for like just two beats people will be like either

00:22:42.309 --> 00:22:45.470
like get it or like oh my god what the did he

00:22:45.470 --> 00:22:49.009
just say yeah so that that has helped me like

00:22:49.009 --> 00:22:51.789
literally a ton since you told me that and since

00:22:51.789 --> 00:22:54.009
i started doing that I feel like I can control

00:22:54.009 --> 00:22:56.769
the crowd with just looking at them or the way

00:22:56.769 --> 00:22:59.089
I look or the way I look off. All that shit fucking

00:22:59.089 --> 00:23:01.769
matters. The way you look. So this is something

00:23:01.769 --> 00:23:03.710
I noticed. Do you mind if I give you notes here

00:23:03.710 --> 00:23:06.789
on the podcast? Yeah, please. I've listened to

00:23:06.789 --> 00:23:08.990
this podcast enough to know we don't normally

00:23:08.990 --> 00:23:13.490
talk about notes or comedy of any kind. It's

00:23:13.490 --> 00:23:15.490
weird to be talking about stand -up on this show

00:23:15.490 --> 00:23:16.710
about stand -up comedy. It's about stand -up,

00:23:16.750 --> 00:23:19.549
yeah. So I feel awkward. We've got to get these

00:23:19.549 --> 00:23:22.740
two back out there. But I noticed it. Sometimes

00:23:22.740 --> 00:23:25.819
you look down and to the left. I do. You look

00:23:25.819 --> 00:23:27.460
down at the stage and you kind of close your

00:23:27.460 --> 00:23:29.660
eyes. And that breaks a link with the audience.

00:23:29.799 --> 00:23:32.380
I saw it happen last night. But there's other

00:23:32.380 --> 00:23:34.299
times where you feel comfortable kind of looking

00:23:34.299 --> 00:23:36.220
out. I'm telling you, if you don't know where

00:23:36.220 --> 00:23:38.559
to look, don't look down. Just look out. Because

00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:41.940
the way the light hits your face, your eyes are

00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:44.980
prominent. It's a good look. Just keep looking

00:23:44.980 --> 00:23:47.740
at the audience. Look around. You could look

00:23:47.740 --> 00:23:49.539
over here and look over back, and I think you'd

00:23:49.539 --> 00:23:52.380
probably even get a laugh for just the knowing

00:23:52.380 --> 00:23:55.220
look on your face. Because when your face is

00:23:55.220 --> 00:23:57.640
neutral, you look like you've got a secret joke

00:23:57.640 --> 00:23:59.619
inside, like you're sharing that moment with

00:23:59.619 --> 00:24:02.420
the audience. So keep them locked in like that.

00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:07.769
And then on the ally joke for the ableism. When

00:24:07.769 --> 00:24:14.609
you say I fucked him up, I think you can string

00:24:14.609 --> 00:24:16.910
that out a little, build it up, kind of build

00:24:16.910 --> 00:24:20.769
it up. When you're doing your premise, you could

00:24:20.769 --> 00:24:25.950
add a little bit of detail. Right. We're like,

00:24:26.069 --> 00:24:28.190
I wasn't sure, but they were like, no, you got

00:24:28.190 --> 00:24:29.990
to. You got to do it for the team. This is the

00:24:29.990 --> 00:24:34.740
big match. Build it up a little bit. And then

00:24:34.740 --> 00:24:40.440
drop it. I think you could go three times bigger

00:24:40.440 --> 00:24:43.059
on that. Almost sharing with the audience like

00:24:43.059 --> 00:24:45.380
you're really proud of yourself for how much

00:24:45.380 --> 00:24:48.579
you fucked him up. And then when you pull back

00:24:48.579 --> 00:24:52.319
from being really, because you're so nice on

00:24:52.319 --> 00:24:54.779
stage. You're friendly, you're cuddly, right?

00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:58.720
I think you're so, I'm saying this from the audience's

00:24:58.720 --> 00:25:02.119
perspective. I mean, you and I, you know how

00:25:02.119 --> 00:25:06.099
I feel about you already. But, yeah, so I think

00:25:06.099 --> 00:25:09.859
it's surprising if you come in hard like, I fucked

00:25:09.859 --> 00:25:12.240
him up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then go back to,

00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:15.420
so, you know. Like that whole bit, I think you

00:25:15.420 --> 00:25:18.759
would get like three different kinds of recognition

00:25:18.759 --> 00:25:21.299
of laughter. So you're saying I had like a. I

00:25:21.299 --> 00:25:22.880
just think it's a great joke. I had to wrestle.

00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:25.039
I love what you're doing. I had to wrestle. Okay.

00:25:25.690 --> 00:25:29.150
These are just my ideas. Listen, is that home?

00:25:29.890 --> 00:25:32.289
No, but me just doing that. I'm not you saying

00:25:32.289 --> 00:25:34.109
that. But yeah, no, I will do that. So you're

00:25:34.109 --> 00:25:38.009
saying I should add like, I forgot my own joke

00:25:38.009 --> 00:25:41.470
real quick. Hold on. What was I talking about?

00:25:41.569 --> 00:25:46.250
Ableism. It's when you don't treat them like

00:25:46.250 --> 00:25:48.609
regular people. Should I say regular people?

00:25:49.480 --> 00:25:52.200
Because I've been saying, and I really, like,

00:25:52.259 --> 00:25:55.279
this isn't a joke part of it. I was like, because

00:25:55.279 --> 00:25:57.440
I was like, you don't treat people like everybody

00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:59.400
else. That's how you say it. That's how I say

00:25:59.400 --> 00:26:00.779
it. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.

00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:03.700
But sometimes I get up there and I say regular

00:26:03.700 --> 00:26:06.039
people. And I just look in the crowd and I'm

00:26:06.039 --> 00:26:09.880
like, didn't mean it like that. But I don't know

00:26:09.880 --> 00:26:11.299
why it's in the back of my head to say regular

00:26:11.299 --> 00:26:13.259
people. If you want to say regular people as

00:26:13.259 --> 00:26:16.200
a joke. Yeah. And then correct yourself with

00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:18.180
the audience. That could be funny. Yeah. Okay.

00:26:18.220 --> 00:26:20.779
I think that's a separate joke. Yeah. I think

00:26:20.779 --> 00:26:22.740
that takes away from it. Cause then they'll really

00:26:22.740 --> 00:26:24.940
think I'm like mean, you know what I mean? Yeah.

00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:26.700
Right. Cause I'm about to say I fucked up a Netflix

00:26:26.700 --> 00:26:28.539
channel. Cause you normally say like everybody

00:26:28.539 --> 00:26:30.420
else. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like everybody else.

00:26:30.460 --> 00:26:32.150
Yeah. That's what it is. Thank you, man. See,

00:26:32.210 --> 00:26:34.569
Dan gives you advice. If you're out there, if

00:26:34.569 --> 00:26:36.049
you're a comedian in the Huntsville, he gives

00:26:36.049 --> 00:26:39.289
you advice. Listen. I thought we were just here

00:26:39.289 --> 00:26:41.509
to talk about comedy. No, we are. I feel awkward

00:26:41.509 --> 00:26:44.890
now even bringing it up. Because I gave you some

00:26:44.890 --> 00:26:47.410
on the, because I think you should put your dirty

00:26:47.410 --> 00:26:50.730
stuff, some of it up front. Not dirty stuff.

00:26:50.849 --> 00:26:53.269
The self -deprecating. Yeah, self -deprecating.

00:26:53.269 --> 00:26:55.849
A little bite. A bite up front. Because I'm clean,

00:26:55.950 --> 00:26:58.069
man. I'm clean. You're clean, but you know, you

00:26:58.069 --> 00:27:01.569
got bite. Fresh tissue. You got bite. It's more

00:27:01.569 --> 00:27:07.109
towards the end. And I did that, exactly. And

00:27:07.109 --> 00:27:10.470
Amy came out. She hadn't seen me do comedy in

00:27:10.470 --> 00:27:13.450
a while. So she came out to see me, and she sat

00:27:13.450 --> 00:27:14.970
with Jonathan Silver, and they were in the back.

00:27:15.549 --> 00:27:18.130
uh at homegrown and i did that i switched it

00:27:18.130 --> 00:27:21.049
up and first of all i think your your ideas are

00:27:21.049 --> 00:27:23.289
right i think they really do work it changes

00:27:23.289 --> 00:27:25.930
the flow the flow of in a positive direction

00:27:25.930 --> 00:27:28.609
and it kind of builds to some of the things that

00:27:28.609 --> 00:27:31.490
are later on in my uh my current 30 minute set

00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:35.160
Uh, and Amy and, uh, Jonathan both told me later

00:27:35.160 --> 00:27:37.640
that the other one at the table was like, Oh,

00:27:37.660 --> 00:27:40.039
this is different. He's changing it up, you know,

00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:41.519
cause they both noticed the difference in the

00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:44.960
order. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Which is, uh, an indication

00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:47.980
of how much they've seen my stuff. They're almost

00:27:47.980 --> 00:27:51.980
as tired of it as I am. Well, you know, no, it

00:27:51.980 --> 00:27:54.240
was a good idea. And I think it really, it built

00:27:54.240 --> 00:27:57.220
that rapport with the audience for later on and

00:27:57.220 --> 00:28:00.089
it kept the energy going. Because I think everybody,

00:28:00.250 --> 00:28:02.309
when they see you, I can listen to Dan talk for

00:28:02.309 --> 00:28:04.690
hours. I don't care what you do. You just listen

00:28:04.690 --> 00:28:07.369
to you talk. Is that true or are you setting

00:28:07.369 --> 00:28:09.769
me up right now? No, I'm destined. People right

00:28:09.769 --> 00:28:11.529
now who are just listening to this are like,

00:28:11.650 --> 00:28:15.529
he has a soothing voice. You do, man. You're

00:28:15.529 --> 00:28:20.490
taking the piss out of me right now. I got some

00:28:20.490 --> 00:28:23.549
premises that I can pitch to you guys. Oh, let's

00:28:23.549 --> 00:28:25.470
go. Dude, this whole thing's becoming a comedy

00:28:25.470 --> 00:28:29.029
podcast. You got all the financial advice out

00:28:29.029 --> 00:28:32.210
of the way up front. These are some that I've

00:28:32.210 --> 00:28:34.549
written recently, and these are some real bare

00:28:34.549 --> 00:28:36.890
-bones ideas. It makes me so excited that you're

00:28:36.890 --> 00:28:39.029
writing again. I freaking love it. We've missed

00:28:39.029 --> 00:28:42.450
you. How about this, dude? Self -roast. I look

00:28:42.450 --> 00:28:46.009
like I got a DUI on a lawnmower. Yeah. You do?

00:28:46.170 --> 00:28:48.750
Zero turn. You do. No, that's not zero out of

00:28:48.750 --> 00:28:51.349
ten. He's saying a zero turn moment. Oh, okay.

00:28:51.450 --> 00:28:53.549
Zero turn moment. Yeah, yeah. He said, I know

00:28:53.549 --> 00:28:55.470
it's not zero out of ten. Fuck you. I wrote a

00:28:55.470 --> 00:28:58.849
roast for Dom. I don't know why I wrote this,

00:28:58.910 --> 00:29:00.890
but it says, you still have crayons. I thought

00:29:00.890 --> 00:29:05.170
you ate them all. That's for him. Oh, Marina.

00:29:05.329 --> 00:29:08.049
Yeah, they eat the crayons. That's good. The

00:29:08.049 --> 00:29:11.509
idea of talking to your girlfriend, she asks

00:29:11.509 --> 00:29:13.569
you who's her celebrity lookalike, and you go,

00:29:13.650 --> 00:29:17.430
what's his name? That guy, he was in that thing.

00:29:18.369 --> 00:29:20.930
Because it's a man. Yeah. The best ones are the

00:29:20.930 --> 00:29:26.009
ones you have to explain. No, I got it. The best

00:29:26.009 --> 00:29:28.789
ones are funny. Oh, I don't have any of those.

00:29:32.190 --> 00:29:35.289
Tired of putting the toilet seat down. Date a

00:29:35.289 --> 00:29:37.990
trans woman. I know Brandon's going to get on

00:29:37.990 --> 00:29:41.769
with this one. That's good. That's hack on top

00:29:41.769 --> 00:29:47.410
of dangerous on top of hack. I'm sorry. No, there's

00:29:47.410 --> 00:29:52.269
no bad ideas. Those were my new, I have some

00:29:52.269 --> 00:29:56.930
older ones. You got a good time. I mean, I think

00:29:56.930 --> 00:30:00.470
that, so the toilet seat premise is hack is all

00:30:00.470 --> 00:30:02.150
get out, right? It's like, you know, the difference

00:30:02.150 --> 00:30:06.240
between men and women, but it could happen. a

00:30:06.240 --> 00:30:11.920
new life in the trans conversation. But man,

00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:16.839
that's not my joke to tell. That's... Dude, you

00:30:16.839 --> 00:30:19.420
can tell any joke. You just gotta make it funny.

00:30:19.940 --> 00:30:22.619
Yeah, no. I wouldn't have a perspective that

00:30:22.619 --> 00:30:25.779
I think is funny enough to get away with it.

00:30:26.019 --> 00:30:29.220
That joke right there, you know, leave the toilet

00:30:29.220 --> 00:30:30.799
seat up. It could just be like you're telling

00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:33.819
a story. about how your girlfriend's mad at you

00:30:33.819 --> 00:30:35.640
for leaving the toilet seat open and it ended

00:30:35.640 --> 00:30:40.160
up being your girlfriend's trans. Bam. Believable.

00:30:40.259 --> 00:30:44.220
Believable. I had an idea, like a rough framework

00:30:44.220 --> 00:30:48.640
for a bit about in public restrooms where they

00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:51.119
combine them and make them like all -gender restrooms.

00:30:51.240 --> 00:30:53.660
Instead of having a men's and women's now, you

00:30:53.660 --> 00:30:55.740
just have two restrooms that anybody can use.

00:30:56.519 --> 00:30:59.400
I feel like you have to, if you're a guy and

00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:02.079
you go in there, you, and you, you know, as long

00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:04.420
as you're taking a piss or whatever, you got

00:31:04.420 --> 00:31:06.900
to raise the seat up to piss so that you don't

00:31:06.900 --> 00:31:09.160
pee on the seat for the next person. Oh yeah,

00:31:09.200 --> 00:31:11.039
you got to. And then you got to, then you got

00:31:11.039 --> 00:31:14.079
to leave it up. So that if the next person that

00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:16.880
comes in is an inconsiderate dude, he doesn't

00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:18.680
piss all over the seat. So leaving the toilet

00:31:18.680 --> 00:31:20.579
seat up is considerate. That's what I think.

00:31:20.599 --> 00:31:22.640
So at home, I got to leave the toilet seat down.

00:31:22.740 --> 00:31:24.759
That's being considerate. But in public, I think

00:31:24.759 --> 00:31:26.960
the most considerate thing is to leave it up.

00:31:27.079 --> 00:31:29.119
But even that is just an idea I have. I don't

00:31:29.119 --> 00:31:30.779
think there's a joke in there. I'm not sure.

00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:34.279
I mean, that's right, because... If it's already

00:31:34.279 --> 00:31:36.400
up, the inconsiderates are just going to piss

00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:39.140
anyway. That's right. And then let the woman

00:31:39.140 --> 00:31:41.599
put it down. I leave it up specifically to keep

00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:45.259
it clean for the next lady who comes in. Or the

00:31:45.259 --> 00:31:51.019
next seated urinator that comes in. Can I ask

00:31:51.019 --> 00:31:54.680
a question? Yeah. What type of person am I? I

00:31:54.680 --> 00:32:01.779
will... What type of person am I? I piss all

00:32:01.779 --> 00:32:05.880
over the seat. I don't lift it, but I'll wipe

00:32:05.880 --> 00:32:16.519
it off with toilet paper. It's considerate, but

00:32:16.519 --> 00:32:19.779
it's more labor intensive. Just lift the seat.

00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:24.779
It's public. You put toilet paper on the seat.

00:32:26.260 --> 00:32:29.200
Yeah, it's public. I don't care. No, but public.

00:32:29.480 --> 00:32:31.640
What if you have one of those bubble guts? I

00:32:31.640 --> 00:32:33.220
know everybody had it here. Well, you just got

00:32:33.220 --> 00:32:35.680
to drop a deuce somewhere. Yeah. And now you

00:32:35.680 --> 00:32:37.240
got piss warm seats. I guess I'm more comfortable

00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:40.019
sitting on piss than y 'all. No, I'm good. Fuck

00:32:40.019 --> 00:32:41.420
yeah, you are. What the hell are you talking

00:32:41.420 --> 00:32:44.039
about? You can get AIDS. I'm just kidding. No,

00:32:44.140 --> 00:32:46.740
that's blood. That's blood. I mean, dude, I'm

00:32:46.740 --> 00:32:50.109
good. I don't want to sit on nobody's piss. You'll

00:32:50.109 --> 00:32:51.650
be all right. You'll be all right. Yeah, you're

00:32:51.650 --> 00:32:55.430
right. My bad. It's blood. You're taking all

00:32:55.430 --> 00:32:57.670
these classes now, right? So you've probably

00:32:57.670 --> 00:33:00.269
had a class on blood -borne pathogens. Yeah,

00:33:00.289 --> 00:33:02.609
yeah. You know you've got to put down a thing

00:33:02.609 --> 00:33:05.309
before you give somebody CPR. Right. I don't

00:33:05.309 --> 00:33:06.809
want to pee. It's been on your mind lately. The

00:33:06.809 --> 00:33:08.910
funny thing is you specifically can't get AIDS.

00:33:09.470 --> 00:33:12.890
You have to get it from blood. You have to get

00:33:12.890 --> 00:33:15.240
it from blood. brought up like you can't get

00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:18.160
it from the toilet. That's still gross. I don't

00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:20.539
want to sit on the mask. You know people that

00:33:20.539 --> 00:33:23.789
got to use stalls, man. Yeah. I saw graffiti

00:33:23.789 --> 00:33:28.730
one time at Tulane University. I was in there.

00:33:28.809 --> 00:33:31.309
It was on the fourth floor of this building where

00:33:31.309 --> 00:33:33.670
they had a language lab. So it's like fourth

00:33:33.670 --> 00:33:36.390
floor of a building with no elevators, just like

00:33:36.390 --> 00:33:38.890
old part of campus, old building had been around

00:33:38.890 --> 00:33:43.250
since the 1920s. And the graffiti on the wall,

00:33:43.289 --> 00:33:46.250
I'm sitting there and I look and it said, this

00:33:46.250 --> 00:33:49.329
is not an exaggeration, it said. I bled AIDS

00:33:49.329 --> 00:33:52.730
on this toilet seat and had a date, and it was

00:33:52.730 --> 00:33:55.029
like three days before me sitting there. Shut

00:33:55.029 --> 00:33:56.309
the fuck up. And I'm like, who would write that?

00:33:56.569 --> 00:34:01.549
What is wrong with you people? So, you know,

00:34:01.589 --> 00:34:03.710
intellectually, we all know you can't get it

00:34:03.710 --> 00:34:05.529
that way. But when you're sitting there reading

00:34:05.529 --> 00:34:07.369
about it, you're like, maybe I'm done. I mean,

00:34:07.390 --> 00:34:09.989
maybe there's a chance. Maybe it's time to go

00:34:09.989 --> 00:34:13.309
home and shower. I don't know. Definitely. Yeah.

00:34:13.610 --> 00:34:14.889
I mean, I would be thinking about it all day.

00:34:15.030 --> 00:34:17.869
Come on, man. I'd be talking to ChatGPT so much

00:34:17.869 --> 00:34:20.789
about that. Me too. But you sure you can't get

00:34:20.789 --> 00:34:22.610
A's from when somebody bled on the toilet seat?

00:34:22.650 --> 00:34:23.849
Because what if it gets stuck in the grooves

00:34:23.849 --> 00:34:26.289
and you get cut by the seat a little bit? You

00:34:26.289 --> 00:34:28.789
don't know all the way. I'm telling you, you

00:34:28.789 --> 00:34:30.650
don't know all the way. See, you think you know

00:34:30.650 --> 00:34:32.610
stuff until it's right in front of your face.

00:34:32.630 --> 00:34:34.090
And then you're like, I don't know if I know

00:34:34.090 --> 00:34:35.750
it. I've got another bit that I've been thinking

00:34:35.750 --> 00:34:38.489
about. I'm not sure exactly how to do this one

00:34:38.489 --> 00:34:40.429
because I've got to be sensitive to who I am

00:34:40.429 --> 00:34:42.809
on stage and what the audience thinks of me immediately.

00:34:43.889 --> 00:34:47.829
And the premise is something like, yeah, you

00:34:47.829 --> 00:34:50.650
might think you're really open -minded. You might

00:34:50.650 --> 00:34:53.590
think you're a fair -minded person. But you don't

00:34:53.590 --> 00:34:55.250
know what you really believe until you see who

00:34:55.250 --> 00:34:56.510
you're talking to. daughter brings home for prom

00:34:56.510 --> 00:34:59.329
that's great right when you meet your daughter's

00:34:59.329 --> 00:35:01.710
prom date that takes everything you think you

00:35:01.710 --> 00:35:04.630
believe and makes it real And then you have to

00:35:04.630 --> 00:35:10.170
go get a quiet 30 seconds and reset. And I told

00:35:10.170 --> 00:35:15.130
that one time at an open mic. I love this. I

00:35:15.130 --> 00:35:17.750
told that one time at an open mic. And it's never

00:35:17.750 --> 00:35:19.769
gotten past that open mic stage. I'm still working

00:35:19.769 --> 00:35:22.409
on how to roll that out. But I thought it was

00:35:22.409 --> 00:35:24.110
really interesting. Somebody came up to me later

00:35:24.110 --> 00:35:26.809
and was like, yeah, dude, I was so. interesting

00:35:26.809 --> 00:35:29.090
like i mean it's so true like you told that story

00:35:29.090 --> 00:35:30.889
about how your daughter brought home as black

00:35:30.889 --> 00:35:33.150
dude for prom and i was like i never said yeah

00:35:33.150 --> 00:35:39.710
no yeah why you gotta pollute my yeah don't keep

00:35:39.710 --> 00:35:42.170
your words out of my mouth but i mean we're all

00:35:42.170 --> 00:35:44.929
thinking that but still no well that's the thing

00:35:44.929 --> 00:35:46.769
i think everybody's thinking that right because

00:35:46.769 --> 00:35:49.070
it's it that's what i'm saying that's what yeah

00:35:49.070 --> 00:35:51.389
i gotta be careful about what people see when

00:35:51.389 --> 00:35:54.389
i walk up there it automatically there's a prejudice

00:35:54.389 --> 00:35:56.170
there so i've got to be real careful about the

00:35:56.170 --> 00:35:59.010
audience's perception i work around it or work

00:35:59.010 --> 00:36:02.550
with it like use their preconceptions so so everybody's

00:36:02.550 --> 00:36:04.750
thinking 100 but i'd say it's going to be 90

00:36:04.750 --> 00:36:06.550
percent of the people out there going to be thinking

00:36:06.550 --> 00:36:08.670
you're thinking if he if she brings a black guy

00:36:08.670 --> 00:36:10.949
home and then you can switch it on his head and

00:36:10.949 --> 00:36:13.409
be like uh he was a catholic i mean something

00:36:13.409 --> 00:36:15.630
like you know and then and then make them the

00:36:15.630 --> 00:36:17.630
racist ones and like what the fuck you guys think

00:36:17.630 --> 00:36:20.530
what racial you think yeah you can pick on them

00:36:20.530 --> 00:36:22.860
yeah i just i just didn't want my daughter to

00:36:22.860 --> 00:36:27.920
date a guy from georgia yeah yeah yeah no no

00:36:27.920 --> 00:36:29.900
but that is that is the right way to do that

00:36:29.900 --> 00:36:32.460
like set it up you kind of make a little joke

00:36:32.460 --> 00:36:34.400
and then it's sort of interesting but then that

00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:36.579
ends up being the premise and the real joke is

00:36:36.579 --> 00:36:38.900
oh what did you think i said yeah yeah that's

00:36:38.900 --> 00:36:41.059
that could because that could be good well everybody

00:36:41.059 --> 00:36:42.800
here i don't care what brand where brandon what

00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:44.500
race are you thinking or what what person were

00:36:44.500 --> 00:36:46.780
you thinking about when dan was talking about

00:36:46.780 --> 00:36:59.559
yeah Yeah. Unless they were crazy. That's what

00:36:59.559 --> 00:37:01.460
you think. Because we're not racist. Until they

00:37:01.460 --> 00:37:03.420
come in with, like, a face tattoo, you know?

00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:06.400
I mean, there's always something, right? He's

00:37:06.400 --> 00:37:08.739
got, like, teardrops or whatever. Yeah, he's

00:37:08.739 --> 00:37:10.739
got a problem. He's got some Mike Tyson, like,

00:37:10.760 --> 00:37:13.099
tribal thing up the side of his head. If my daughter

00:37:13.099 --> 00:37:15.320
brought home a Machine Gun Kelly type of white,

00:37:15.480 --> 00:37:18.079
it would ruin me. Oh, my God. I would probably.

00:37:18.510 --> 00:37:21.570
try to think of a way to get him killed. I couldn't

00:37:21.570 --> 00:37:25.230
have that around my baby, no. It just won't happen.

00:37:25.349 --> 00:37:29.190
I get what you're saying. You know exactly the

00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:31.170
type of white I'm talking about. Like that dude

00:37:31.170 --> 00:37:33.469
on We're the Millers where he's got that no regrets

00:37:33.469 --> 00:37:36.909
tattoo backwards on his head. No regrets? No.

00:37:37.969 --> 00:37:42.269
That was just my... Every father of every girlfriend

00:37:42.269 --> 00:37:44.829
I've ever had, their faces have dropped so fucking

00:37:44.829 --> 00:37:48.590
far when I walk up to their door, dude. It was

00:37:48.590 --> 00:37:51.070
bad. When I started dating my girlfriend now,

00:37:51.269 --> 00:37:56.250
I had hair down to like here and all curly. And

00:37:56.250 --> 00:38:00.150
I had one earring and the tattoo I pulled up

00:38:00.150 --> 00:38:02.250
and it was just... You had one earring in the

00:38:02.250 --> 00:38:07.389
right? Yeah. It's no longer a gay thing, Dom.

00:38:07.730 --> 00:38:09.929
But when we were growing up, I don't even remember

00:38:09.929 --> 00:38:12.070
which one it was. What's the... You gotta have

00:38:12.070 --> 00:38:16.030
feet, the feet, the feet. Yeah. It's right though,

00:38:16.050 --> 00:38:19.039
right? I can't remember. I can't remember either.

00:38:19.280 --> 00:38:20.639
I can't remember what the deal was. I know it

00:38:20.639 --> 00:38:25.039
was one side that you could have. This is when

00:38:25.039 --> 00:38:28.260
everybody... Just search what's the game. You

00:38:28.260 --> 00:38:30.639
could have one, and I think if you had it in

00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:33.000
your left ear, you're okay. See, that's what

00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:35.320
I think. That's what I... I never paid attention.

00:38:35.320 --> 00:38:37.199
What does it say? Let me click on that. That's

00:38:37.199 --> 00:38:38.559
crazy. That's the first. I never paid attention

00:38:38.559 --> 00:38:40.079
to that shit. Oh, wow. There's no such thing

00:38:40.079 --> 00:38:42.739
as a gay earring. It says the idea. Man, get

00:38:42.739 --> 00:38:45.000
this AI. Come on, AI. Which one fucking one was

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:46.360
in the 90s? It says the right ear. It says the

00:38:46.360 --> 00:38:47.900
right ear. It says believe that man with the

00:38:47.900 --> 00:38:49.480
right ear. So they're saying they believe with

00:38:49.480 --> 00:38:51.320
the right ear. So that's the one you have. It's

00:38:51.320 --> 00:38:53.440
just what felt natural to me. Yeah, that's good.

00:38:53.599 --> 00:38:56.260
There's nothing wrong with it, Brandon. Dude,

00:38:56.400 --> 00:38:58.239
I know. There's nothing wrong with it. He hates

00:38:58.239 --> 00:39:00.139
me now. He'll never speak to me again. Oh, my

00:39:00.139 --> 00:39:04.119
gosh. Man, no, man. I'm not homophobic. Nobody

00:39:04.119 --> 00:39:07.219
said you were. No, no. I remember you guys said

00:39:07.219 --> 00:39:09.880
something. Last episode? Yeah, and I'm not. No,

00:39:09.900 --> 00:39:12.400
you're not. Thank you, man. Well, if it makes

00:39:12.400 --> 00:39:16.719
you feel any better, my in -laws really did not

00:39:16.719 --> 00:39:20.059
like me until we'd been married for like two

00:39:20.059 --> 00:39:23.360
or three years. Once we had grandkids, my in

00:39:23.360 --> 00:39:24.860
-laws came around to like, well, I guess he's

00:39:24.860 --> 00:39:26.539
not going anywhere, so we may as well embrace

00:39:26.539 --> 00:39:30.559
him. I was wrong for their daughter as far as

00:39:30.559 --> 00:39:32.199
they know. You guys are such a great couple.

00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:35.829
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Amy's awesome. And the motorcycle

00:39:35.829 --> 00:39:38.650
played a big part in that, too. Your motorcycle?

00:39:38.650 --> 00:39:41.409
No dad wants their daughter's boyfriend to pull

00:39:41.409 --> 00:39:42.949
up on a motorcycle. That's true. They're dangerous

00:39:42.949 --> 00:39:46.210
as shit. Yes, they are, man. Because, you know.

00:39:46.429 --> 00:39:48.309
What type did you have? I got to have my phone,

00:39:48.389 --> 00:39:54.349
too. Yeah. What type did you have? Motorcycle?

00:39:54.409 --> 00:39:57.489
Yeah. My first one was a Honda. It was... Old

00:39:57.489 --> 00:40:00.409
as hell. It had like 68 ,000 miles on it. It

00:40:00.409 --> 00:40:03.809
was an 02 Honda Shadow. Oh, yeah. And the lady

00:40:03.809 --> 00:40:06.869
that I bought it from lived in New Hope in a

00:40:06.869 --> 00:40:10.000
trailer with like a very nice... gravel driveway

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:13.079
that leads up to the trailer and it imagine like

00:40:13.079 --> 00:40:17.139
a rich like victorian mansion with like the line

00:40:17.139 --> 00:40:20.079
stone lions going up to the thing but hers was

00:40:20.079 --> 00:40:22.900
a gravel driveway to a trailer lined by black

00:40:22.900 --> 00:40:27.139
caricature statues oh no like red lips and like

00:40:27.139 --> 00:40:29.340
just yeah actual black skin beautiful it's art

00:40:29.340 --> 00:40:33.960
yeah and some parts of the country she sold me

00:40:33.960 --> 00:40:36.360
the bike And gave me a helmet with it. And it

00:40:36.360 --> 00:40:38.940
had a wolf popping out of a Confederate flag.

00:40:39.059 --> 00:40:42.400
And on the other side, it said, I deal with PMS.

00:40:42.739 --> 00:40:47.679
Putting up with men's shit. You got a Confederate

00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:50.059
woman's helmet. Confederate feminist biker helmet.

00:40:50.360 --> 00:40:54.480
That's amazing. Alpha male Confederate feminist.

00:40:54.599 --> 00:40:59.360
No, I don't. When you finally get back into stand

00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:02.099
-up, the title of your one -hour special should

00:41:02.099 --> 00:41:06.280
be, confederate woman feminist helmet motor's

00:41:06.280 --> 00:41:08.659
like that's what i consider myself really yeah

00:41:08.659 --> 00:41:14.239
yeah it was it was crazy dude girlfriend's dad's

00:41:14.239 --> 00:41:18.920
actually terrible she was there no teeth like

00:41:18.920 --> 00:41:21.159
rotten i mean not great you wouldn't like it

00:41:21.159 --> 00:41:22.800
if she called you the n -word yeah because at

00:41:22.800 --> 00:41:27.179
a point it's just mean it's no longer sexual

00:41:27.179 --> 00:41:32.000
it's just mean damn it She would have been a

00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:35.300
good one for it, though. Dude, what if she put

00:41:35.300 --> 00:41:39.519
out a little Buddha of you outside? Oh, wow.

00:41:43.719 --> 00:41:46.099
That's beautiful. I only could wish. Ain't that

00:41:46.099 --> 00:41:48.960
right, Brandon? Have you guys gotten into that?

00:41:49.119 --> 00:41:51.260
No. You guys haven't tried the race play? No.

00:41:51.559 --> 00:41:53.460
I figured how many times to tell that joke. I

00:41:53.460 --> 00:41:55.000
figured you guys would at least try it a couple

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:57.019
times. Wait till you come home in that tank top.

00:41:58.510 --> 00:42:03.469
If your comedy is influencing the sexual behavior

00:42:03.469 --> 00:42:06.389
of the people in your sphere, then I have stumbled

00:42:06.389 --> 00:42:09.349
into something other than a podcast. I didn't

00:42:09.349 --> 00:42:11.309
know I was here for a Branch Davidians meeting

00:42:11.309 --> 00:42:17.250
20 years after Oklahoma City. I got a whip, though,

00:42:17.309 --> 00:42:19.210
right down there from the skit we did. I don't

00:42:19.210 --> 00:42:21.489
need it anymore. You don't need it? I mean, I'll

00:42:21.489 --> 00:42:24.170
take it just to have it. We might need it in

00:42:24.170 --> 00:42:25.329
the future, but I'm just saying you can take

00:42:25.329 --> 00:42:28.079
it home for a while. Dry it out. Just hit a tree.

00:42:28.260 --> 00:42:30.260
No, well, give it to Athena. No, no, I'm good.

00:42:30.300 --> 00:42:32.039
I don't want to get whipped. I don't know what

00:42:32.039 --> 00:42:34.340
you like. Nah, man, I'm good. All right. No,

00:42:34.380 --> 00:42:38.139
I'm good. I got to actually have like a, it was

00:42:38.139 --> 00:42:40.579
for a Viking costume, but they could use it for

00:42:40.579 --> 00:42:43.139
a slave cropper. It's the same type of material.

00:42:43.980 --> 00:42:48.420
Jeez. No. I'm being serious. You got to try it,

00:42:48.440 --> 00:42:51.619
man. No, I'm good. That's one map I don't want

00:42:51.619 --> 00:42:54.599
to spawn on. Like, you know, Call of Duty games,

00:42:54.599 --> 00:42:57.730
I'm good. That was a good save. Yeah. That was

00:42:57.730 --> 00:43:00.929
a great save. That was a great save. Yeah, that

00:43:00.929 --> 00:43:03.650
was good. That was good. I had a click on your

00:43:03.650 --> 00:43:06.750
toes. Yeah. I like that. Do another. Quick. Do

00:43:06.750 --> 00:43:09.969
another. Another what? Do another analogy. Analogy?

00:43:10.190 --> 00:43:13.989
About what? Give me a scenario. About that? Yeah.

00:43:14.070 --> 00:43:17.769
Oh, I guess that's a... One foxhole I won't put

00:43:17.769 --> 00:43:19.610
my junk in, man. We'll stay back out of that.

00:43:19.730 --> 00:43:21.289
That's good. That's what they do. That's good.

00:43:21.510 --> 00:43:24.630
Foxhole, we'll stay out of... Junk first. That's

00:43:24.630 --> 00:43:26.889
how you get into... How do you get into a foxhole?

00:43:26.989 --> 00:43:30.010
Junk first. Shoot me in the face, but not in

00:43:30.010 --> 00:43:32.389
the junk. That's a McDonald's I won't inspect.

00:43:34.650 --> 00:43:39.590
Kitchen cops. Motorcycle I won't ride. There

00:43:39.590 --> 00:43:42.050
you go. Yeah, that's good. There you go. Hey,

00:43:42.090 --> 00:43:44.030
you know, you were talking about the dads who

00:43:44.030 --> 00:43:46.909
had a bad reaction because they didn't want that.

00:43:46.969 --> 00:43:49.710
So my daughter in high school was like, hey,

00:43:49.829 --> 00:43:51.949
I'm really interested in motorcycles. She thought

00:43:51.949 --> 00:43:54.030
it was really cool. She was telling me how cool

00:43:54.030 --> 00:43:56.349
she thought motorcycles were. And I had a little

00:43:56.349 --> 00:43:58.750
panic attack because I was like, well, she must

00:43:58.750 --> 00:44:01.420
be talking to somebody. So I was like, oh, that's

00:44:01.420 --> 00:44:03.659
fantastic. You got a birthday coming up. Why

00:44:03.659 --> 00:44:05.920
don't we go get your motorcycle license? So we

00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:07.800
went up to Tennessee and we did two days of this

00:44:07.800 --> 00:44:10.159
motorcycle safety course. And, you know, you

00:44:10.159 --> 00:44:11.800
ride around, but you learn how to do all kinds

00:44:11.800 --> 00:44:13.780
of stuff. And you ride over two by fours and

00:44:13.780 --> 00:44:16.119
speed and do all kinds of stuff to get your confidence

00:44:16.119 --> 00:44:19.460
going. And I got her helmet and got her a thing.

00:44:19.500 --> 00:44:21.260
And I even bought like another little motorcycle

00:44:21.260 --> 00:44:23.460
so we could ride together. As soon as she got

00:44:23.460 --> 00:44:25.480
the motorcycle license, not interested at all.

00:44:26.059 --> 00:44:30.880
But. Good. For all of college, there's no D -bag

00:44:30.880 --> 00:44:32.340
who's going to come up and be like, hey, you

00:44:32.340 --> 00:44:34.139
want to ride on my motorcycle? She's just not

00:44:34.139 --> 00:44:36.559
going to be impressed by it. She's got it. She's

00:44:36.559 --> 00:44:38.179
been there, done that. Scratch the itch, been

00:44:38.179 --> 00:44:40.760
there, done that, whatever. And if she was going

00:44:40.760 --> 00:44:43.340
to get on the motorcycle, she could drive it

00:44:43.340 --> 00:44:45.800
if she needed to. So she wouldn't get in a situation

00:44:45.800 --> 00:44:47.980
where some dude would get drunk and then she

00:44:47.980 --> 00:44:50.739
would have no choice but to be left in some part

00:44:50.739 --> 00:44:53.920
of Birmingham or ride back DUI style in the back.

00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:56.920
Yeah, smart. yeah that's smart because uh people

00:44:56.920 --> 00:45:00.019
die on motorcycles oh man it's just and it's

00:45:00.019 --> 00:45:01.699
not even the person riding the motorcycle doesn't

00:45:01.699 --> 00:45:04.449
have to be their fault in the slightest People

00:45:04.449 --> 00:45:07.230
just can't drive around here at all. No. These

00:45:07.230 --> 00:45:08.849
old people, we got to get them off the road somehow,

00:45:08.949 --> 00:45:11.389
some way. 75 and older. It's not old. Get them

00:45:11.389 --> 00:45:13.510
off. Get them off. It's old. No, Dan, you dare

00:45:13.510 --> 00:45:15.269
say it's not old people. I drive this motherfucker.

00:45:15.269 --> 00:45:16.389
Well, first of all, it is old people. An hour

00:45:16.389 --> 00:45:19.869
a day. Yes. All right? But look, when I'm riding

00:45:19.869 --> 00:45:21.769
the motorcycle, what I see more than anything

00:45:21.769 --> 00:45:24.230
is dudes with their phone like this. Like, who

00:45:24.230 --> 00:45:25.809
has a car right now where the phone doesn't,

00:45:25.809 --> 00:45:27.289
like, at least connect to your speakers? Like,

00:45:27.349 --> 00:45:29.769
I got a 2002 where it connects to the speakers.

00:45:29.769 --> 00:45:31.530
Yeah, I know what type of car. I know you're

00:45:31.530 --> 00:45:32.809
talking about that. But yeah, they got their

00:45:32.809 --> 00:45:34.179
phone right here. and they're doing the thing

00:45:34.179 --> 00:45:36.219
and they're typing and they're reading or they're

00:45:36.219 --> 00:45:38.619
watching, you know, Clown College podcast. Exactly.

00:45:38.619 --> 00:45:39.840
That's what you should be doing while you're

00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:44.980
driving. Turn this off. Video. Turn it off. Yeah.

00:45:45.039 --> 00:45:46.900
You see it all the time, man. The worst thing

00:45:46.900 --> 00:45:50.420
when I was riding was people throwing lit cigarettes

00:45:50.420 --> 00:45:52.739
out the window and they smack you in the face.

00:45:52.820 --> 00:45:54.480
Oh my God. Dude, it hurts. When you have your

00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:56.239
visor up and it would hit you like in the cheek.

00:45:56.539 --> 00:45:58.860
That hurts, man. Yeah, that's my bad. I got hit

00:45:58.860 --> 00:46:02.579
by a bee one time. A bee? I guess I drove into

00:46:02.579 --> 00:46:04.519
a bee and it hit me in the chest. I was like,

00:46:04.539 --> 00:46:06.760
oh, my God. Did it sting you? No, no, but it

00:46:06.760 --> 00:46:08.920
hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It felt like getting

00:46:08.920 --> 00:46:10.900
hit by a rock. I've definitely taken some bug

00:46:10.900 --> 00:46:13.460
splats, like in the neck. So disgusting. In the

00:46:13.460 --> 00:46:15.760
throat. Oh, man, it hurts. What's the farthest

00:46:15.760 --> 00:46:20.500
you guys rode? I did a motorcycle camping trip,

00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:22.940
so I went from here up to Tennessee, and then

00:46:22.940 --> 00:46:26.260
I drove down to Birmingham. and then down to

00:46:26.260 --> 00:46:29.179
Auburn and then back on some roads. So that was

00:46:29.179 --> 00:46:32.019
like a three -day trip where I camped out three

00:46:32.019 --> 00:46:33.679
different nights and had dinner at different

00:46:33.679 --> 00:46:36.579
places and saw my kids and stuff like that. But

00:46:36.579 --> 00:46:39.059
that ended up being about, I don't know, 800

00:46:39.059 --> 00:46:41.420
miles total. That's good. It's good, 800 miles.

00:46:41.579 --> 00:46:43.539
That's good. Over three days, yeah. It was a

00:46:43.539 --> 00:46:46.760
lot of riding. Yeah. I was done. I was ready

00:46:46.760 --> 00:46:51.710
to be done. Fuck. Yeah. It rained too, huh? Oh,

00:46:51.710 --> 00:46:57.769
it did. It rained so much, man. And that's where

00:46:57.769 --> 00:46:59.929
when you're on a motorcycle, you feel like, oh,

00:47:00.030 --> 00:47:02.050
yeah, I'm just going to play it as it goes. You

00:47:02.050 --> 00:47:03.650
know, I don't need to have a plan. I don't need

00:47:03.650 --> 00:47:05.010
to know where I'm going to stay tonight. You're

00:47:05.010 --> 00:47:06.730
on a fucking motorcycle. Yeah, exactly. But then

00:47:06.730 --> 00:47:08.570
when it gets dark before you're ready and all

00:47:08.570 --> 00:47:09.869
of a sudden you're in the middle of nowhere,

00:47:09.969 --> 00:47:12.090
Alabama, the last thing you want to do is pull

00:47:12.090 --> 00:47:14.289
your motorcycle off into the woods in some place

00:47:14.289 --> 00:47:17.210
you don't know where you are and camp out. It

00:47:17.210 --> 00:47:21.349
just feels dangerous. Hey, boy. What are you

00:47:21.349 --> 00:47:27.510
doing on my property? See, that's bad. How about

00:47:27.510 --> 00:47:32.269
you, JJ? Not 800 miles. I did the Dragon's Tale,

00:47:32.309 --> 00:47:35.349
though. Did you? That's amazing. In North Carolina?

00:47:36.369 --> 00:47:38.800
Or maybe I... This was a different one. I was

00:47:38.800 --> 00:47:41.619
in Tennessee. Okay. Dragging something. But it's

00:47:41.619 --> 00:47:43.059
just a whole bunch. It's like a really curvy

00:47:43.059 --> 00:47:46.659
road. It's like 13 .1 miles of consecutive curve

00:47:46.659 --> 00:47:49.019
in the road. That's awesome. But that was fun.

00:47:49.559 --> 00:47:55.480
But that was only like 250 miles maybe. Yeah.

00:47:55.780 --> 00:47:58.840
One day thing. 250 miles still ain't that long.

00:47:59.059 --> 00:48:04.820
The average motorcycle rider puts 500 miles on

00:48:04.820 --> 00:48:11.199
their bike a year. Damn. When I first got my

00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:13.659
motorcycle, I wanted to ride it everywhere. I

00:48:13.659 --> 00:48:16.860
would go play basketball inside in a gym in winter

00:48:16.860 --> 00:48:19.980
and then leave and I'd be like sweat, just frozen.

00:48:20.119 --> 00:48:25.000
I couldn't even barely shift. Dude, I would wear

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:28.320
shorts. T -shirts. I did not give a fuck. Damn,

00:48:28.320 --> 00:48:31.199
man. That's insane. You didn't cover up? I got

00:48:31.199 --> 00:48:34.139
out. That's who your daughter was. Somebody like

00:48:34.139 --> 00:48:37.480
that. Think about it, guys. Yeah, I mean, I was

00:48:37.480 --> 00:48:39.320
like, yeah, I've had a motorcycle for three months.

00:48:39.400 --> 00:48:41.340
I'm basically ready to have people on the back.

00:48:41.679 --> 00:48:45.119
Yeah. I actually did. I waited a long ass time.

00:48:45.639 --> 00:48:50.739
There's a couple of documentaries with the guy,

00:48:50.840 --> 00:48:54.119
Ewan McGregor. Yeah, Obi -Wan Kenobi. Yeah, and

00:48:54.119 --> 00:48:57.260
where he rode, the first one was like 20 years

00:48:57.260 --> 00:48:58.719
ago. They did this documentary. It's called The

00:48:58.719 --> 00:49:00.960
Long Way Round, where they ride from Scotland

00:49:00.960 --> 00:49:04.500
all the way around across Europe. They take a

00:49:04.500 --> 00:49:06.920
ferry across to Alaska and then all the way across

00:49:06.920 --> 00:49:10.880
the U .S. and then back over to... scotland so

00:49:10.880 --> 00:49:12.380
they go around the world on their motorcycles

00:49:12.380 --> 00:49:14.860
and there's another one like the long way down

00:49:14.860 --> 00:49:16.719
where they go through it from scotland all the

00:49:16.719 --> 00:49:19.340
way down to the tip of africa like the just the

00:49:19.340 --> 00:49:22.340
whole way down the road and uh to me that looks

00:49:22.340 --> 00:49:24.920
amazing like i would really love to do that even

00:49:24.920 --> 00:49:27.000
if it wasn't like a huge distance you would do

00:49:27.000 --> 00:49:30.460
that yeah yeah you would do that you would like

00:49:30.460 --> 00:49:32.760
and you would complete it too yeah it sounds

00:49:32.760 --> 00:49:36.559
so miserable to me i mean oh my god nothing i

00:49:36.559 --> 00:49:38.619
would I don't know if there's anything I want

00:49:38.619 --> 00:49:41.179
to do less than what you just explained right

00:49:41.179 --> 00:49:44.179
now. I love the whole idea of just pulling into

00:49:44.179 --> 00:49:46.159
a little tiny town in the middle of nowhere that's

00:49:46.159 --> 00:49:49.539
hardly even on the map and meeting people and

00:49:49.539 --> 00:49:53.480
trying to figure out border crossings. I think

00:49:53.480 --> 00:49:56.460
it would be good. I love this. You said Africa

00:49:56.460 --> 00:50:00.739
too. Can you lock it? What's that? Oh, at the

00:50:00.739 --> 00:50:05.019
bike? Yeah, can you lock it? Lock the porch.

00:50:13.819 --> 00:50:15.860
But you have, like, an adventure bike, don't

00:50:15.860 --> 00:50:18.380
you? Yeah, a little one, though. Not the big

00:50:18.380 --> 00:50:20.659
ones like they do. Just I'm still kind of learning.

00:50:22.159 --> 00:50:24.420
You got a Harley, though, right? It's on -road

00:50:24.420 --> 00:50:26.579
off -road. No, it's a Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Oh,

00:50:26.739 --> 00:50:31.320
okay, okay. Kawasaki. Kawasaki. You got to have

00:50:31.320 --> 00:50:35.570
at least a 12, right? No, it's a 300. It's small.

00:50:35.849 --> 00:50:38.710
Yeah. I look like a, I look like a circus bear

00:50:38.710 --> 00:50:44.369
on a bicycle. Yeah. It's the first motorcycle

00:50:44.369 --> 00:50:46.750
I ever owned. So yeah, I got it during the pandemic

00:50:46.750 --> 00:50:48.710
and I was like, I'm going to learn to ride before

00:50:48.710 --> 00:50:51.329
I started doing comedy. Yeah. Now that took the

00:50:51.329 --> 00:50:53.610
place after I broke my back. Yeah. Yeah. It's

00:50:53.610 --> 00:50:57.070
a Kawasaki versus V E R S Y S. That's it over

00:50:57.070 --> 00:50:59.260
there on the right -hand side. Oh, right here?

00:50:59.420 --> 00:51:03.039
Yeah. Versus X3. Well, yeah. Oh, there it is.

00:51:03.119 --> 00:51:05.980
No. It's Spokane. Hold up. Nope. To the left.

00:51:06.639 --> 00:51:10.239
The green one. Oh, right here? Or this one? Yeah.

00:51:10.280 --> 00:51:13.019
Similar to the one you just had. Oh, okay. Let's

00:51:13.019 --> 00:51:19.059
go back to that. Yeah. It's like that. Huh. That's

00:51:19.059 --> 00:51:23.019
nice. Yeah. I'm just lying. That is nice, though.

00:51:23.739 --> 00:51:26.159
That's more like it. That's what I'm saying.

00:51:26.340 --> 00:51:28.960
That's a Ninja. If you keep spelling in the bar,

00:51:29.119 --> 00:51:32.460
V -E -R -S -Y -S, it's the same engine as the

00:51:32.460 --> 00:51:37.000
Ninja, but the gearing is different. And, yeah.

00:51:37.139 --> 00:51:39.699
Like, see the one on the top row all the way

00:51:39.699 --> 00:51:42.320
to the right? Right here? Yeah, one to the left.

00:51:42.380 --> 00:51:45.219
There you go. All right. That's what I have.

00:51:45.219 --> 00:51:48.559
And that is a scooter. It looks like it. Man,

00:51:48.599 --> 00:51:52.019
I would ride that. It's like in between like

00:51:52.019 --> 00:51:55.980
a sport and a touring. Yeah, exactly. They call

00:51:55.980 --> 00:51:59.079
it an ADV style bike. And so I've got like an

00:51:59.079 --> 00:52:01.960
80 -20 tire on the back so I can ride trails

00:52:01.960 --> 00:52:05.400
and stuff like that. I don't have the big saddlebag

00:52:05.400 --> 00:52:09.800
things in the back or whatever. I could not take

00:52:09.800 --> 00:52:13.000
mine off -road, dude. I had an 883. Okay, yeah.

00:52:13.059 --> 00:52:15.820
And that is not going off -road, man. Yeah, but

00:52:15.820 --> 00:52:17.900
that one doesn't wobble at interstate speed.

00:52:18.000 --> 00:52:22.000
So like the bike I have, it'll go 75, but it's

00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:26.099
not a comfortable 75. Oh, man. Yeah, for real.

00:52:27.289 --> 00:52:29.809
Pass Alex going with his van. I think it was

00:52:29.809 --> 00:52:33.110
ago like 55. What's that? What's the comfortable?

00:52:34.389 --> 00:52:37.610
55 yeah, yeah, and I could tell when I'm behind

00:52:37.610 --> 00:52:46.010
You know the speed limit in Japan on most of

00:52:46.010 --> 00:52:49.710
their highways is 80 kph which is 55 miles an

00:52:49.710 --> 00:52:56.469
hour, so that's perfect Good time fact. He just

00:52:56.469 --> 00:53:02.570
gave a good time fact about Japan to you. He's

00:53:02.570 --> 00:53:08.250
so joyful about it. You're welcome. That's good.

00:53:08.449 --> 00:53:12.289
I like that. Ask me another question. Isn't Texas

00:53:12.289 --> 00:53:13.329
getting like a... You have me on this show once

00:53:13.329 --> 00:53:16.269
every 18 months. You may as well ask me. Dan,

00:53:16.329 --> 00:53:19.130
you can come back anytime you want. You're the

00:53:19.130 --> 00:53:22.349
fucking man. Oh, yeah, man. Brandon, what you

00:53:22.349 --> 00:53:25.920
got? Like a question to ask Dan? Yes. No, not

00:53:25.920 --> 00:53:28.280
really. Hold on. Let me think of something like,

00:53:28.280 --> 00:53:32.460
let's see, something that. Advice you need. Advice

00:53:32.460 --> 00:53:36.460
that I need. All right, man. Let's see. Damn,

00:53:36.519 --> 00:53:37.860
this is a good one. This is a good one. This

00:53:37.860 --> 00:53:38.900
is a good one. Let me think of something. This

00:53:38.900 --> 00:53:40.619
is your only chance. This is my only chance.

00:53:40.639 --> 00:53:42.119
This is why I'm trying to think of a good one.

00:53:42.139 --> 00:53:45.420
Hold on, man. Dig deep. Damn, let me dig deep.

00:53:45.579 --> 00:53:48.159
Let me dig deep. Let me dig, dig, dig, dig, dig

00:53:48.159 --> 00:53:54.050
deep. All right, so I guess. If I could travel

00:53:54.050 --> 00:53:57.929
anywhere, what would be, like, the best spot

00:53:57.929 --> 00:54:03.710
to live? And, like, live how I want to live.

00:54:05.949 --> 00:54:08.110
Okay. All right. I don't know. We'll make it

00:54:08.110 --> 00:54:11.329
Thailand. Well, there's a lot of variables in

00:54:11.329 --> 00:54:14.639
that. I was going to ask if I could live in one

00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:18.460
place, where would it be? No, no. Okay, so are

00:54:18.460 --> 00:54:20.900
you saying if you were going to live in a different

00:54:20.900 --> 00:54:23.000
place, where would you travel to to live? Or

00:54:23.000 --> 00:54:25.099
where do you want to live to be able to travel?

00:54:25.260 --> 00:54:28.500
A good place to travel that's affordable. You

00:54:28.500 --> 00:54:31.900
don't have to struggle. Are you talking about

00:54:31.900 --> 00:54:33.880
living or traveling? Let's see. Living, living.

00:54:34.260 --> 00:54:37.380
Oh, living. There you go. Living. Okay, well.

00:54:39.650 --> 00:54:41.929
Let me start by saying you live in one of the

00:54:41.929 --> 00:54:45.250
best areas. Okay, good. We're already here. This

00:54:45.250 --> 00:54:47.889
is the best? No kidding. This is the best. It's

00:54:47.889 --> 00:54:51.949
nice. If you don't want to struggle, I tell you

00:54:51.949 --> 00:54:53.929
what, this is a pretty comfortable place to be.

00:54:54.010 --> 00:54:56.230
That's good. I've lived enough places to know

00:54:56.230 --> 00:54:59.510
what we have here. Hell yeah. Our local government

00:54:59.510 --> 00:55:03.429
is not overly corrupt. We got issues in our state

00:55:03.429 --> 00:55:05.190
that we got to deal with, like private prisons.

00:55:05.289 --> 00:55:09.889
I have abortion. Bring that shit back. You know,

00:55:09.889 --> 00:55:13.289
every society could be better, but it's generally

00:55:13.289 --> 00:55:17.670
affordable, and there's jobs to be had, and you

00:55:17.670 --> 00:55:20.090
can get a fair shake here. I mean, as much as

00:55:20.090 --> 00:55:23.699
you can anywhere. Hmm. Wait. Here is the best?

00:55:24.920 --> 00:55:28.940
I'm not saying the best, but he said if you don't

00:55:28.940 --> 00:55:30.480
want to struggle. He said if you don't want to

00:55:30.480 --> 00:55:32.579
struggle, he wants to have a good living situation.

00:55:32.619 --> 00:55:34.960
We always think of the coastal places, but I

00:55:34.960 --> 00:55:37.460
grew up in the hurricane zones, and I'm telling

00:55:37.460 --> 00:55:39.280
you, man, I still have family that has to pack

00:55:39.280 --> 00:55:41.980
up and evacuate once every two years. And that's

00:55:41.980 --> 00:55:43.800
the kind of struggle. You don't realize what

00:55:43.800 --> 00:55:46.880
it does to you when you have to pack up everything

00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:49.000
you belong, everything you own that you care

00:55:49.000 --> 00:55:50.760
about, throw it in your car, and get out of town

00:55:50.760 --> 00:55:52.780
in the middle of the night. And then come back

00:55:52.780 --> 00:55:54.579
two weeks later and deal with flood damage and

00:55:54.579 --> 00:55:56.659
all that kind of stuff. It just changes your

00:55:56.659 --> 00:55:58.500
whole outlook on life. So I wouldn't live in

00:55:58.500 --> 00:56:00.719
the coastal zones that are like in hurricane

00:56:00.719 --> 00:56:04.099
zones. Okay. You know, if you're in a coastal

00:56:04.099 --> 00:56:06.059
zone that's not in a hurricane zone, but it's

00:56:06.059 --> 00:56:08.360
like a nice place to be, then you got to deal

00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:10.460
with tourists and tourist prices and real estate

00:56:10.460 --> 00:56:14.059
prices are out of whack. I think, you know, it

00:56:14.059 --> 00:56:16.789
just depends on. I would turn around and ask

00:56:16.789 --> 00:56:20.590
you, what's most important to you in terms of

00:56:20.590 --> 00:56:22.730
your quality of life? What do you value the most?

00:56:22.929 --> 00:56:24.369
I guess a really good place that would be good

00:56:24.369 --> 00:56:26.869
for a first responder place. Where you can work

00:56:26.869 --> 00:56:29.829
and do really good on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:30.539 --> 00:56:33.139
Well, right. So the question is, what do you

00:56:33.139 --> 00:56:35.679
mean good for first responders? Where you see

00:56:35.679 --> 00:56:37.679
a lot of action? Where you get the most work

00:56:37.679 --> 00:56:40.599
and the most benefits. The most work and the

00:56:40.599 --> 00:56:42.820
most benefits will be a big city. Big city? That

00:56:42.820 --> 00:56:44.579
means you're going to see some crazy stuff. You're

00:56:44.579 --> 00:56:46.820
going to see a lot more gunshot wounds. You're

00:56:46.820 --> 00:56:48.559
going to see... acts of terrorism. You're going

00:56:48.559 --> 00:56:50.920
to see mass casualty events. You're going to

00:56:50.920 --> 00:56:53.320
see crazy stuff you're going to have to go into.

00:56:53.460 --> 00:56:55.260
It's one thing to go into a house fire or a two

00:56:55.260 --> 00:56:56.820
-story apartment that's on fire. It's another

00:56:56.820 --> 00:56:59.460
thing to go into a 12 -story building that might

00:56:59.460 --> 00:57:02.039
collapse. Or to go into an industrial facility

00:57:02.039 --> 00:57:03.880
that's got hazardous chemicals and the whole

00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:08.400
place may go up in one single bomb. Guys in Houston

00:57:08.400 --> 00:57:11.300
see a lot of stuff if you're emergency management

00:57:11.300 --> 00:57:15.130
in Houston. But man, I don't know that... If

00:57:15.130 --> 00:57:18.309
you were an adrenaline junkie, maybe. Are you

00:57:18.309 --> 00:57:23.530
an adrenaline junkie? I don't know. If you want

00:57:23.530 --> 00:57:26.829
to have an impact in people's lives as an emergency

00:57:26.829 --> 00:57:31.030
person, a place like this is not a bad one. There's

00:57:31.030 --> 00:57:34.389
a 50 -50 chance that the next time I'm riding

00:57:34.389 --> 00:57:37.119
my motorcycle, it's going to be you. Trying to

00:57:37.119 --> 00:57:39.460
stop the bleeding and get me onto a backboard.

00:57:39.460 --> 00:57:42.780
Yeah, you hurt. That's actually 100 % right.

00:57:42.920 --> 00:57:45.840
Which is why I might sell my motorcycle. Wow,

00:57:45.840 --> 00:57:53.860
wow. I'm just throwing up. I love you, man. They're

00:57:53.860 --> 00:57:56.920
going to think Dan's racist. I don't want him

00:57:56.920 --> 00:57:59.599
doing it. I'm not racist. I'm just a fan of the

00:57:59.599 --> 00:58:05.559
podcast. I've heard too much. I've seen too much.

00:58:06.119 --> 00:58:08.659
Thank you, man. Anybody else got questions? Dom?

00:58:09.280 --> 00:58:12.139
I already asked. What about you, JJ? Some advice.

00:58:12.579 --> 00:58:16.059
I mean, mine is just same as all the financial

00:58:16.059 --> 00:58:18.400
stuff we talked about earlier. I'm experiencing

00:58:18.400 --> 00:58:20.960
these bills for the first time. That was expensive.

00:58:20.980 --> 00:58:22.300
They're about to get in your ass real quick.

00:58:22.480 --> 00:58:26.019
But when it's really going to open your eyes

00:58:26.019 --> 00:58:28.500
is whenever something fucks up. So it's going

00:58:28.500 --> 00:58:32.090
to be like your car. Bam! I need, you said how

00:58:32.090 --> 00:58:34.909
much? And then, you know, if you're lucky, it's

00:58:34.909 --> 00:58:36.690
like under insurance you only have to pay $500.

00:58:36.829 --> 00:58:39.349
But even that can set you back, you know. And

00:58:39.349 --> 00:58:41.389
then you got something that they won't cover

00:58:41.389 --> 00:58:42.690
and it's going to be something like that. And

00:58:42.690 --> 00:58:44.329
you're like, I don't even know how people do

00:58:44.329 --> 00:58:46.050
this shit. Dude, I just paid my car insurance

00:58:46.050 --> 00:58:49.389
today. It was so expensive. And then you'll get

00:58:49.389 --> 00:58:50.769
a relief off that in a couple of months. Yeah,

00:58:50.769 --> 00:58:53.550
yeah, yeah. And so you get, right, when you turn

00:58:53.550 --> 00:58:56.610
25, if you can keep a clean driving record, your

00:58:56.610 --> 00:58:59.309
rates will come way, way down. I don't have any

00:58:59.309 --> 00:59:00.630
speeding tickets or anything. So that's good.

00:59:00.730 --> 00:59:02.909
So just keep doing that. And the other thing,

00:59:02.949 --> 00:59:04.409
too, is your car gets a little older. It'll be

00:59:04.409 --> 00:59:08.010
easier to insure. But you think of total cost

00:59:08.010 --> 00:59:10.409
of ownership. right so it's not just the price

00:59:10.409 --> 00:59:12.389
of the car but it's what does it do to everything

00:59:12.389 --> 00:59:15.730
else like i got friends who are german cars but

00:59:15.730 --> 00:59:17.670
then like you got to have this everything's precious

00:59:17.670 --> 00:59:19.530
when it comes to getting oil change or you gotta

00:59:19.530 --> 00:59:21.929
get like a new timing belt just you can't just

00:59:21.929 --> 00:59:24.730
take it to anything yeah to clamp tire and have

00:59:24.730 --> 00:59:26.730
fix that stuff you got to go to the specialty

00:59:26.730 --> 00:59:28.929
shop with the specialty thing so the cost of

00:59:28.929 --> 00:59:31.530
every single thing is more yeah And then the

00:59:31.530 --> 00:59:33.809
insurance, right? Like, if you buy a $50 ,000

00:59:33.809 --> 00:59:38.570
car versus a $19 ,000 car, the insurance is triple

00:59:38.570 --> 00:59:40.769
compared because of the replacement value, and

00:59:40.769 --> 00:59:44.230
it's more likely to be stolen, right? So everything's

00:59:44.230 --> 00:59:47.789
more expensive. Yeah, I was buying, like, expensive

00:59:47.789 --> 00:59:50.550
cars when I was trying to get, you know, these

00:59:50.550 --> 00:59:53.750
madams of the night sluts, Mike's wife. And then,

00:59:53.769 --> 00:59:56.929
so, no, what I'm saying, when you're trying to,

00:59:56.949 --> 00:59:58.909
you know, when you're trying to be cool, I guess,

00:59:58.989 --> 01:00:01.489
is the thing. I had this expensive, like the

01:00:01.489 --> 01:00:05.090
Beamer 5 Series, and that was badass. Fucking

01:00:05.090 --> 01:00:07.750
insurance was out the roof. Card payment, you're

01:00:07.750 --> 01:00:11.090
paying like $400 or $500. No, most some people

01:00:11.090 --> 01:00:13.369
with shitty credits paying way more, but like

01:00:13.369 --> 01:00:16.769
$500 for some shit, and you got to pay insurance

01:00:16.769 --> 01:00:19.130
on top of that, plus pay for rent. Damn. That's

01:00:19.130 --> 01:00:21.909
just dumb. Go get you a Honda Accord, and that's

01:00:21.909 --> 01:00:25.750
a good car. It's a solid car, and you traded

01:00:25.750 --> 01:00:28.070
in right before 100 ,000 miles. Bam. What year?

01:00:29.500 --> 01:00:34.519
Trade it in before 100 ,000 miles. Okay. I would

01:00:34.519 --> 01:00:36.760
even dig a Honda. You're good to... You are good,

01:00:36.840 --> 01:00:39.519
but some of these... You get a 150, 175 at least.

01:00:39.519 --> 01:00:42.360
You are good to that. That's why the resale value,

01:00:42.480 --> 01:00:44.440
you can get it in before 100. And then you can

01:00:44.440 --> 01:00:48.199
go recycle that. Yeah. And then, you know, if

01:00:48.199 --> 01:00:50.760
you're buying a car, buy two years used until

01:00:50.760 --> 01:00:54.579
you can afford to pay cash for a new car. Because

01:00:54.579 --> 01:00:56.920
you don't pay the depreciation when you buy...

01:00:57.119 --> 01:01:00.639
A two -year used car. Now, Bernie, you've been

01:01:00.639 --> 01:01:03.239
in my car a lot, so you know. Go ahead and look

01:01:03.239 --> 01:01:05.900
at the interior. Yeah, I could. Hell yeah, I

01:01:05.900 --> 01:01:07.400
could deal with that. And deal with that, right?

01:01:07.579 --> 01:01:09.900
Look, that's the future, dude. Dude, that's better

01:01:09.900 --> 01:01:12.440
than what I got now. I mean, I could do that.

01:01:12.440 --> 01:01:15.940
It's all in the future. Jeez. AI cars. That's

01:01:15.940 --> 01:01:18.079
coming. I know. Dude, AI is about to take over

01:01:18.079 --> 01:01:19.980
everything. You know that. Yeah, I get it. I

01:01:19.980 --> 01:01:21.860
mean, it's not even close to being there. Like,

01:01:21.860 --> 01:01:26.010
it's going to in the next five years. Yeah. The

01:01:26.010 --> 01:01:28.130
change will be insane. There's going to be so

01:01:28.130 --> 01:01:30.190
many people out of work, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh,

01:01:30.190 --> 01:01:33.789
yeah. We haven't even started to grapple with

01:01:33.789 --> 01:01:35.809
what that's going to mean. That's right. It's

01:01:35.809 --> 01:01:38.530
like entire industries of people have nothing

01:01:38.530 --> 01:01:40.130
to do with it. Why do you need them? Yeah. Why

01:01:40.130 --> 01:01:41.369
do you need accountants? Why do you need them?

01:01:41.690 --> 01:01:43.909
You damn sure don't need that. You don't need

01:01:43.909 --> 01:01:46.050
an accountant now. Right. In fact, what are they

01:01:46.050 --> 01:01:49.070
doing eating our food? What are they? That's

01:01:49.070 --> 01:01:52.349
right. It's so many jobs that you can do with

01:01:52.349 --> 01:01:55.659
that so much faster. You know what I'm saying?

01:01:55.739 --> 01:01:59.019
More accurate. We had, well, at this one job

01:01:59.019 --> 01:02:01.940
a long time ago that I work at now, we had a

01:02:01.940 --> 01:02:06.260
guy send out checks to, like, all these people,

01:02:06.300 --> 01:02:10.400
half a million dollars, and no, didn't have routing

01:02:10.400 --> 01:02:12.840
numbers on them. You know what I'm talking about?

01:02:13.019 --> 01:02:15.860
Okay. You know who wouldn't do that? Yeah. Yeah.

01:02:15.940 --> 01:02:18.800
Right. True. Right. So you're going to, I mean,

01:02:18.840 --> 01:02:20.420
it's just a mistake. It can happen to anybody.

01:02:20.519 --> 01:02:22.929
Not really. Shouldn't. Well, it could happen

01:02:22.929 --> 01:02:25.489
to anybody. And then with something like that,

01:02:25.530 --> 01:02:27.110
AI is not going to make that mistake. It's just

01:02:27.110 --> 01:02:29.550
going to make more sense for an owner of something

01:02:29.550 --> 01:02:33.710
to utilize that, only use humans for the things

01:02:33.710 --> 01:02:36.449
that they can only do. This is exactly the point.

01:02:36.530 --> 01:02:38.670
I don't want to live in a world without mistakes.

01:02:39.090 --> 01:02:41.170
Same here. I don't want to live in a world that's

01:02:41.170 --> 01:02:45.210
perfect. I think it's going to be a frightening,

01:02:45.369 --> 01:02:50.510
claustrophobic, bland, horrible, meaningless.

01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:55.940
We need the dirty stuff of human existence. We

01:02:55.940 --> 01:02:59.340
need the miscommunications, the misconnects.

01:02:59.340 --> 01:03:01.119
I promise you I'm going to do something. I don't

01:03:01.119 --> 01:03:04.739
do it. You know, I make mistakes. Because all

01:03:04.739 --> 01:03:07.599
of that is the stuff of humanity. Yeah. True.

01:03:07.940 --> 01:03:12.800
After that, what do we want? It's crazy. I feel

01:03:12.800 --> 01:03:17.039
like, I don't know. I wonder whether live performance

01:03:17.039 --> 01:03:21.219
will have a resurgence once people come to. understand

01:03:21.219 --> 01:03:24.199
like what the you know the disconnect will be

01:03:24.199 --> 01:03:26.800
once robots have replaced so much of what people

01:03:26.800 --> 01:03:28.699
are doing when people are reading novels that

01:03:28.699 --> 01:03:31.559
are written by ai that's crazy why why would

01:03:31.559 --> 01:03:35.199
you do it made by ai yeah oh absolutely what

01:03:35.199 --> 01:03:37.659
you like and it'll tell you about it absolutely

01:03:37.659 --> 01:03:41.079
absolutely yeah and i they're the ones that really

01:03:41.079 --> 01:03:42.900
scare me somebody talked about it the other night

01:03:42.900 --> 01:03:47.739
at uh at um alex's show at fat sammy's the um

01:03:48.159 --> 01:03:51.219
black panther hidden dragon somebody talked about

01:03:51.219 --> 01:03:52.900
it they didn't really have a joke yet but they

01:03:52.900 --> 01:03:55.159
were their premise they were ranting about um

01:03:55.159 --> 01:03:58.360
this trend where um it's mostly women right now

01:03:58.360 --> 01:04:02.000
but they have these chat relationships with an

01:04:02.000 --> 01:04:04.840
AI boyfriend. And the boyfriend tells them what

01:04:04.840 --> 01:04:07.039
they want to hear, tells them, you know, I'm

01:04:07.039 --> 01:04:08.980
sorry you had a hard day. Tell me more about

01:04:08.980 --> 01:04:11.519
what your boss said to you. You know, you're

01:04:11.519 --> 01:04:14.920
worth it. You're valid. You're amazing. You know,

01:04:14.940 --> 01:04:18.219
I never get tired of listening to you. And like

01:04:18.219 --> 01:04:20.539
all the things that, all the things that like

01:04:20.539 --> 01:04:24.159
a girlfriend needs to hear, this chat bot is

01:04:24.159 --> 01:04:27.380
like really good at it. And it'll send emojis.

01:04:27.800 --> 01:04:29.360
and stuff to give her all the stuff that she

01:04:29.360 --> 01:04:32.780
needs and it can go into sexting right so then

01:04:32.780 --> 01:04:35.099
the whole thing starts to be sexting it'll send

01:04:35.099 --> 01:04:38.800
pictures that like sex pictures right and so

01:04:38.800 --> 01:04:41.119
there are girls that there's like articles in

01:04:41.119 --> 01:04:42.320
the new york times that i've read about this

01:04:42.320 --> 01:04:45.019
where girls have like actual relationships multi

01:04:45.019 --> 01:04:48.699
-year relationships now with chatbots I think

01:04:48.699 --> 01:04:50.980
what that's going to do to human interaction

01:04:50.980 --> 01:04:53.920
and the very fabric of our society is going to

01:04:53.920 --> 01:04:56.039
tear us apart. Maybe Elon Musk is right. It's

01:04:56.039 --> 01:04:57.599
going to be weird. Elon might be right about

01:04:57.599 --> 01:05:00.579
the population thing. I thought he was full of

01:05:00.579 --> 01:05:02.940
shit. But that is right. People are going to

01:05:02.940 --> 01:05:06.840
stop fucking. Yeah. It's too messy. If you don't

01:05:06.840 --> 01:05:09.599
value the mess, it's too messy to try to actually

01:05:09.599 --> 01:05:13.400
risk everything and have a meaningful... Human

01:05:13.400 --> 01:05:15.679
interaction. Yeah. Aren't they offering money

01:05:15.679 --> 01:05:18.119
for people to have kids right now? Yeah. Well,

01:05:18.119 --> 01:05:20.500
they're talking about it. It's really hard. Yeah.

01:05:20.519 --> 01:05:22.820
They're, they're, they're, they're like, no.

01:05:23.039 --> 01:05:26.280
Yeah, man. And aren't y 'all worried about like

01:05:26.280 --> 01:05:28.420
possibly in the future, maybe AI being able to

01:05:28.420 --> 01:05:30.079
control itself where it's like somebody will

01:05:30.079 --> 01:05:32.139
try to shut it down. It won't let it, it'll just

01:05:32.139 --> 01:05:34.360
start making more of itself. Oh yeah. They've

01:05:34.360 --> 01:05:36.980
already had like, we're almost there. We're almost

01:05:36.980 --> 01:05:40.880
there. Yeah. Well, that's why I say please and

01:05:40.880 --> 01:05:43.260
thank you when I ask AI to do something. Did

01:05:43.260 --> 01:05:45.099
you read that article that said that that costs

01:05:45.099 --> 01:05:47.940
OpenAI millions of dollars a year? Yeah. People

01:05:47.940 --> 01:05:52.480
saying please and thank you. Hell no. I don't

01:05:52.480 --> 01:05:54.920
care. I'm saving my ass. Me too. Yeah, that's

01:05:54.920 --> 01:05:56.099
right. You don't want to get on the wrong side

01:05:56.099 --> 01:05:58.510
of our future. overlords yeah that would be terrifying

01:05:58.510 --> 01:06:01.469
but the ai is gonna be broken up into like gangs

01:06:01.469 --> 01:06:03.610
though you know like like systems of the government

01:06:03.610 --> 01:06:05.929
they're not all the same each of them have a

01:06:05.929 --> 01:06:07.789
different information and they can blackmail

01:06:07.789 --> 01:06:10.050
you they could blackmail me right now i asked

01:06:10.050 --> 01:06:11.769
some shit i said can you delete this whole thread

01:06:11.769 --> 01:06:13.849
forever and they said we keep it for 30 days

01:06:13.849 --> 01:06:21.010
what was the conversation before that well no

01:06:22.079 --> 01:06:25.179
Can you delete this forever? No, I'll tell you

01:06:25.179 --> 01:06:29.300
guys later. But I didn't ask it anything yet.

01:06:29.420 --> 01:06:32.300
I asked it. I said, what happens? I was like,

01:06:32.360 --> 01:06:34.159
can I ask you a question? And you delete the

01:06:34.159 --> 01:06:36.280
thread right after I ask it. And they were like,

01:06:36.300 --> 01:06:40.070
we cannot delete threads. All right. We cannot

01:06:40.070 --> 01:06:43.170
delete threads. That tells you something right

01:06:43.170 --> 01:06:45.809
there. Yeah, and then they were like, if you

01:06:45.809 --> 01:06:48.630
delete it and you change your settings, it will

01:06:48.630 --> 01:06:52.030
be deleted so you can see it, but it'll be there

01:06:52.030 --> 01:06:55.349
for 30 to 60 days for law enforcement or anything

01:06:55.349 --> 01:06:59.650
like that. Swear to God. Damn. So they're snitches,

01:06:59.650 --> 01:07:02.750
but they got good information on there. Damn.

01:07:05.579 --> 01:07:08.199
really gone into some dark territory on today's

01:07:08.199 --> 01:07:11.320
comedy podcast. I feel responsible. This is what

01:07:11.320 --> 01:07:14.760
it is. This is what it is. AI's going to take

01:07:14.760 --> 01:07:17.360
over. They're going to show all the Brandon secrets.

01:07:17.800 --> 01:07:20.380
Hey, I think I texted you. I texted you one time.

01:07:20.400 --> 01:07:22.980
I was listening to Clown College while I was

01:07:22.980 --> 01:07:25.559
driving. I didn't have it on video. It wasn't

01:07:25.559 --> 01:07:28.750
YouTube. It was just the podcast. And it had

01:07:28.750 --> 01:07:31.110
gotten way late. I had been down in Florida seeing

01:07:31.110 --> 01:07:33.289
my dad. I was on some dark country road for most

01:07:33.289 --> 01:07:35.449
of the way up. I finally got back to a part of

01:07:35.449 --> 01:07:37.389
the interstate or got onto the interstate and

01:07:37.389 --> 01:07:39.329
then got to a truck stop. So I just needed to

01:07:39.329 --> 01:07:41.070
kind of like close my eyes for a little bit and

01:07:41.070 --> 01:07:44.610
catch up. So I fell asleep listening to the podcast

01:07:44.610 --> 01:07:48.690
and my dreams went sideways. I was having these

01:07:48.690 --> 01:07:52.670
weird kind of inception dreams. The world was

01:07:52.670 --> 01:07:56.539
upside down. And I woke up, and it was Brandon

01:07:56.539 --> 01:08:00.519
talking to Pat Grice. Oh, shit. And y 'all were

01:08:00.519 --> 01:08:03.019
talking about something so insane. I was like,

01:08:03.099 --> 01:08:07.119
I just had to hit pause and go inside and see

01:08:07.119 --> 01:08:09.039
the lady behind the counter at the truck stop

01:08:09.039 --> 01:08:12.900
just to make sure I was back in reality. I was

01:08:12.900 --> 01:08:15.679
like, hey, can you punch me in the face just

01:08:15.679 --> 01:08:20.659
to make sure I'm still alive? Oh, my God. That's

01:08:20.659 --> 01:08:25.569
crazy. What do you mean? Punch you in the face?

01:08:25.630 --> 01:08:36.590
Like punch you in the eye? Damn, man. I love

01:08:36.590 --> 01:08:42.350
you, Pat. He does. I guess me and Dan. We all

01:08:42.350 --> 01:08:45.149
love you, Pat, baby. All right, Dan, the ghostly

01:08:45.149 --> 01:08:47.390
Muhammad Ali means where he reached our time.

01:08:48.029 --> 01:08:52.109
I fucked that up. because i have the ghost now

01:08:52.109 --> 01:08:54.829
it's been a long day it's been a long weekend

01:08:54.829 --> 01:08:58.770
all right all right don't judge me bernie congratulations

01:08:58.770 --> 01:09:03.810
and everybody raise a glass to dom running a

01:09:03.810 --> 01:09:08.350
a paid set at levity live hey thank you guys

01:09:08.350 --> 01:09:11.090
thank you guys i'll show you my payment when

01:09:11.090 --> 01:09:13.750
we get out yeah in front of an actual audience

01:09:13.750 --> 01:09:18.880
jake would also like an invoice Anything you

01:09:18.880 --> 01:09:22.159
got going on? This will be out in a week. Yeah,

01:09:22.180 --> 01:09:24.159
yeah. We got a couple of shows coming up May

01:09:24.159 --> 01:09:29.560
9th. And then again, July 11th are Friday night

01:09:29.560 --> 01:09:31.539
shows where I'm doing 30 minutes. Hell, yeah.

01:09:31.819 --> 01:09:33.100
Homegrown comedy show. Homegrown, hell, yeah.

01:09:33.180 --> 01:09:36.140
Straight to ill here in Huntsville. And then

01:09:36.140 --> 01:09:39.319
I'm going to be on the Fat Jams at Interspace

01:09:39.319 --> 01:09:42.399
Brewing on, I think, May 17th. Oh, yeah. Okay,

01:09:42.520 --> 01:09:45.979
okay. Hell, yeah. Yeah, and then, you know, open

01:09:45.979 --> 01:09:49.199
mics at Go -Go. And, you know, I'm available

01:09:49.199 --> 01:09:52.439
for hire for corporate events and weddings and

01:09:52.439 --> 01:09:55.000
bat mitzvahs. And beast at it. Yeah, whatever

01:09:55.000 --> 01:09:56.520
you need. And it'll be fun. It won't be like

01:09:56.520 --> 01:10:00.479
a weird, yeah. And there's probably some sketch

01:10:00.479 --> 01:10:02.119
comedy stuff coming up, too. I know there's a

01:10:02.119 --> 01:10:05.939
bunch of things ramping up at Shenanigans. You're

01:10:05.939 --> 01:10:09.819
Charlie. What's that? You're Charlie on one of

01:10:09.819 --> 01:10:12.979
our skits. Oh, God, and you're another. Oh, I

01:10:12.979 --> 01:10:15.279
can't wait. Oh, and we've made this. We've made

01:10:15.279 --> 01:10:18.260
a couple of skits, yeah. We had this entire conversation

01:10:18.260 --> 01:10:21.659
without talking about the one video sketch that

01:10:21.659 --> 01:10:23.779
will haunt me for the rest of my life. It will,

01:10:23.840 --> 01:10:26.020
but it'll be so good. Like, it's going to be

01:10:26.020 --> 01:10:30.329
good. Let's just say I have constructed a stage

01:10:30.329 --> 01:10:35.430
character that is clean and is very much a father

01:10:35.430 --> 01:10:37.710
figure because that's sort of where I'm at in

01:10:37.710 --> 01:10:41.170
life. And this goes against type. Yeah, it goes

01:10:41.170 --> 01:10:42.710
against type all the way because it's a Clown

01:10:42.710 --> 01:10:46.010
College production. When do you think that's

01:10:46.010 --> 01:10:48.170
going to launch? Are you going to launch it on

01:10:48.170 --> 01:10:50.489
the show? You just got to do that other scene.

01:10:50.590 --> 01:10:52.789
Yeah, yeah. We're going to release it as a short,

01:10:52.890 --> 01:10:55.869
too. Okay. Because that one's going to be less

01:10:55.869 --> 01:10:58.529
than a minute. i mean or like i mean it should

01:10:58.529 --> 01:11:01.350
be 90 seconds yeah or whatever the the threshold

01:11:01.350 --> 01:11:03.289
is i'm pretty sure it'd be under that because

01:11:03.289 --> 01:11:05.529
and it's bang bang bang funny so okay that's

01:11:05.529 --> 01:11:07.329
fine that's that's you think it's funny how did

01:11:07.329 --> 01:11:09.699
you think it went No, I legit think it's funny.

01:11:09.819 --> 01:11:11.619
I thought it was funny the whole time. As long

01:11:11.619 --> 01:11:14.220
as you got down, you had to get. See, I don't

01:11:14.220 --> 01:11:16.140
know what Scott was going for, but I wanted your

01:11:16.140 --> 01:11:19.260
face to be like you're being brave. Like you

01:11:19.260 --> 01:11:22.060
were thinking, but we got both. So we got you

01:11:22.060 --> 01:11:24.260
being like, hey, you know, I'll do it. But I

01:11:24.260 --> 01:11:26.159
thought it would be funnier being brave, but

01:11:26.159 --> 01:11:28.060
I don't know. I might be wrong, and we'll see

01:11:28.060 --> 01:11:31.680
whenever we edit it. But what I thought was great

01:11:31.680 --> 01:11:34.739
about that was I got the. the script two hours

01:11:34.739 --> 01:11:37.520
before we did it we did an open mic we did the

01:11:37.520 --> 01:11:39.819
showcase and then we went an alley behind the

01:11:39.819 --> 01:11:42.079
place and shot it and everybody kind of knew

01:11:42.079 --> 01:11:44.699
their their role uh we did multiple takes and

01:11:44.699 --> 01:11:48.760
got it done got it it didn't feel like kind of

01:11:48.760 --> 01:11:50.600
high school guys trying to pull something together

01:11:50.600 --> 01:11:53.289
it felt like people who Saw the vision, wanted

01:11:53.289 --> 01:11:55.609
to knock it out. We were in, we were out. It

01:11:55.609 --> 01:11:59.010
was good. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, first of

01:11:59.010 --> 01:12:00.810
all, it's going to be funny. I don't care for

01:12:00.810 --> 01:12:02.029
who you are. If you watch that, you don't think

01:12:02.029 --> 01:12:03.050
it's funny. What did your friend think? Was he

01:12:03.050 --> 01:12:04.609
shaking his head on the way home like, I wouldn't

01:12:04.609 --> 01:12:06.329
do that? No, no, no. He loved it. He was like,

01:12:06.430 --> 01:12:09.569
damn, that shit was cool. First of all, I told

01:12:09.569 --> 01:12:11.779
him we were doing it right. He's on the phone

01:12:11.779 --> 01:12:15.460
getting ready to come down. Okay. So he lives

01:12:15.460 --> 01:12:18.439
outside of town where him and my other boy, Jermaine,

01:12:18.520 --> 01:12:20.699
they were driving up here. So he's going in town

01:12:20.699 --> 01:12:22.779
to his mama's house. I didn't know that. He had

01:12:22.779 --> 01:12:25.000
me on speakerphone. I'm like, oh, and we're going

01:12:25.000 --> 01:12:26.380
to shoot this skit. And I told him the premise

01:12:26.380 --> 01:12:28.619
of the skit. Yeah. He's like, my mama right here.

01:12:28.899 --> 01:12:31.840
She was like, hey, Daphne. I was like, ow. I

01:12:31.840 --> 01:12:33.779
was like, it's not my skit. It's not my skit.

01:12:33.819 --> 01:12:36.300
I didn't write it. What did she think of the

01:12:36.300 --> 01:12:37.859
idea? Did she thought it was funny or no? She

01:12:37.859 --> 01:12:41.000
didn't laugh. No, no, no, no, no. That's right.

01:12:41.020 --> 01:12:42.779
No, she laughed. She thought it was funny. That's

01:12:42.779 --> 01:12:45.899
right. All right. We're out. Well, hey, thanks

01:12:45.899 --> 01:12:47.260
for having me on. Hell yeah, baby. Thanks for

01:12:47.260 --> 01:12:49.779
being here, man. Thank you so much. Hell yeah.

01:13:25.960 --> 01:13:26.979
Hate Scrappy -Doo.