This week on Clown College. What did you say,
Brandon? The dump truck would be like the snake.
The snake or the, what was the first one? The
classical P. The dump truck. You call your penis
dump truck. Dude, I call it all the time. I call
it, hey man, the old football, the old chain.
Chain? The old anaconda. Okay, I get Anaconda,
and I get... Yeah, Snake is fine. Every other
one is good. Well, what are some others? What
I do is, you know how a mafia person will tell
you they're trying to kill you, but they'll be
like, hey, man, you keep messing around, I'm
going to put you in the old shelter or something.
I do it like that with my junk. Yeah, man, you
know, the old vehicle's about to come out. The
old Ford Taurus. The old Mustang GT, the scat
pack. I like that. Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge in many ways to elevate
and make your sound polished. So if you want
to hear a little honest, a few takes on our ways
to make it as a comic, then stick around for
a while, dip it down to Clown. We got a guest
right now just to show you how. Let's all go
to Clown College, baby. It's with Brandon, Bayless,
Tom, and JJ. Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon Willis, Don and JJ. It's with
Brandon Willis, Don and JJ. A good amount of
times. Not wrong about that, yeah. He has super,
like, everything. You think she can handle it?
Yeah, he can adjust it. He can come at the speed
of light. Yeah, I know, but he can control it.
He just tell her to, like, you know, when people
get risky and do the old raw thing, just pull
out in time. Because, like, if she doesn't, she's
going to die. So she's going to be like, you
almost there yet? And he's like, I'm almost there.
And as soon as she gets off, he just... Shoots
a hole in their roof. Yeah, I just meant he could
come quick. I didn't mean like he has like a
laser. But maybe, yeah. Definitely got to pull
out then. There's something probably out there.
Yeah. Little did you know, his other kryptonite
is condoms. Superman. You can put a Trojan and
Freud at them. A what now? Trojan. A Trojan?
Yeah, Trojan. That's what they call it. Trojan.
Have you ever went to the counter and asked for
Trojans? At my school, yeah. What the hell? At
the counter? Yeah, because they sold them at
the counter. Really? At your high school or your
college? College. College. And they had a fire
and ice one. I was like, I don't know. Yeah,
let's try it. Yeah, how'd it go? Burned. Yeah,
that wasn't good. That didn't work. Don't buy
it. That's funny. This is like hot, cold. Yeah,
no. Well, no, I used one once, but it was really
cold. So do you get to pick? Yeah, I feel like
I put it on upside down. No, you can pick a different
one. There's a cold one, and then you got a hot
one. Oh, okay. I thought it was like hot on the
outside, cold on the inside. Would you want it
cold on the inside, though? Yes. Yeah, man. I
mean, Brandon seems to be sure. Cold on the inside.
I don't know, because honestly, it didn't take
effect until I'd already come. So I was just
taking it off, and I was like, oh shit, my dick
is getting cold. I was like, I guess that's what
I was waiting on. It just hurts. Charlie Swisher.
Yes, sir. filling in you got me at the last minute
hell yeah appreciate you coming yeah no problem
JJ's a piece of shit I'm always a call away I
was uh I didn't want to say what I was doing
when Alex called though which actually that was
my first mistake cause you called and I was like
uh uh you were like you got anything going on?
And I was like, Oh, I'm not doing anything. You
never start a call with that. Cause in case I
wanted to change my mind and be like, no, I don't
want to do it. Uh, but no, I was sitting there.
I just, uh, made a fountain. And so I was enjoying
my fountain. What the fuck do you mean you made
a fountain? Like I, like I had like a, uh, a
baby pool and I like dug a little trench and
put the baby pool in there and then, uh, put
a liner on it and put like a fountain in there.
So it's pretty sick. That is sick, man. Look,
I'm going to live in like a suburban ass house.
I'm going to do suburban shit. It was really
nice. That sounds like a good time. Yep. Peaceful.
Yeah, I got to get back while the sun's still
out. So this will be a quick up. So is it like
outside or in your house? Outside. Outside in
the backyard, yeah. Oh, yeah. You said it was
in the pool too? Little baby pool. Yeah, I had
a little baby pool. You going to swim in it?
No, it's a little too small for that, especially
with the fountain in there. But, I mean, I guess
I could dip my feet in. I mean, why not? I'm
already fucking sitting by a fountain in my backyard.
I might as well put my feet in. Why not? Those
are the only pools Brandon can swim in. Yeah.
I'm not a good swimmer like this, man. I mean,
I can swim for a little bit. Then we drown. No,
we taught you how to swim, man. You're good.
Yeah, I mean, I'm good for a little bit. About
five minutes. Why do you think that's the time?
Yeah, you can do it for five. You can swim. Oh,
well, maybe, man. Like what happens after five?
You get tired or you forget how? I don't know.
Maybe because I'll do the doggy paddle. I don't
know how long that lasts. It lasts for a long
time. It lasts as long as I want? Okay. Doggy
paddle. Or I can float. I mean, I can float,
too. Just lay on my back. Yeah. That works. Wait,
you can float on your back? Oh, yeah, man. Then
you can last... Oh, then you're safe, then. No,
I'm safe? Yeah, no, because, I mean, then, worst
case scenario, you just float. I can swim pretty
good, but I can't even, like, float on my back
that well. Really? Yeah, I don't know. It's like,
I finally figured out it's a... Like, it feels
funny on your ears when you're doing it right.
Right? Yeah, I figured you just... Anybody? I'll
teach you. I feel like you just had a built -in
snorkel for it. Well, that only works for backstroke.
Yeah, I'll teach you how to float. I appreciate
that, Brandon. You can give my lower back a nice
little lift, a little lumbar support. The lower
back legs. Speaking of lifting, you've been lifting
a lot now, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? I should.
Went to the gym, worked out. Hell, yeah. Trying
to get this job, man. Hell, yeah. Nice. Almost
done. Two weeks till Brandon might be saving
your life. Yeah. Damn. Hell, yeah. I need to
tighten up. Yeah. I got to stop taking so many
risks. Honestly, having a fountain in the backyard,
I might drown. I got to get rid of that. Yeah.
No more sharp corners. Tighten it up. Yeah. Did
you know EMTs, they start off at $14 to $15 an
hour? That is terrible. That's crazy. That is
fucked up, yeah. Our whole pay scale is backwards
on everything in the country. It's like the jobs
that should be paid the most are paid the least
and vice versa. True. You get some fucking guy
with a startup and just get ample amount of money
from everybody giving him money. Yeah, for a
fucking quicker... Every time somebody has a
startup, I don't even know what it is. I think
it's just a way to funnel money. Yeah, it seems
like it. It has to be. Usually there's an app
involved, but I've never used any of this. The
only apps I've downloaded are the ones everybody's
heard. I have Uber Eats and Subway Server. That
pretty much sums it up. WWE champions. What's
that, League of Champions? No, WWE champions.
We all have that one. Of course, foolish me.
Fucking hog riders. Hog Riders. Yeah, you know,
what's that thing called? Clash of Clans or something?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the quick one, there's
Clash of Clans where you build a society or whatever,
and then there's the fast -paced version one.
Was it Clash Royale? Clash Royale, that's what
I'm thinking of. Yeah, that's the one I'm more
with. That's too much time for the first one.
Yeah, it does take forever to build a city on
your phone. They figured out it still needs to
take a long time to be set up. Because if you
could just put it all down, people wouldn't be
into it. When it takes days, you feel like you
did something. You ever see those games? It pops
up on my Twitter. When they're shooting something,
and you shoot this, you get times four. That
ad is relentless on my YouTube. Every other ad
is for the game. And they're like... You know,
tired of those ads for games that when you get
them, they're not really the game? Well, this
one was designed off of that, but this is the
real game. Yeah, dude, I hate it so fucking much,
dude. And they lose on purpose, like on the ad
part, because you're like, clearly you would
shoot the fucking times 20 than this little fucking
gun, and you shoot that one down to five, and
then you go over there. You're not going to make
that. So you're telling yourself, I want to get
this guy. Yeah, exactly. You're like, I'd do
better than this bitch. God damn it, dude. And
she gets to make money. selling the game like
let me do an ad because they always like that
now where like it's the person pretending to
play the game you know which I don't believe
that they are I think they're like watching a
video of the game and talking about it I just
decided that today when I watched one of the
ads I should just pay for YouTube yeah rather
than download the free game if you watch YouTube
and you don't I haven't I haven't paid for it
for so long and then I watch you know sometimes
you click on it and it'll be like you're watching
regular and those ads are crazy Some is not skippable,
and it's way longer now. Yeah, way longer, dude.
Way longer. And it's worse on the TV, I've noticed.
If you do YouTube on the TV, I guess they know,
and they make the ads longer for sure. And more
often. Really? Well, just with your info. TVs
are spying on us? Oh, yeah. Walmart owns Vizio,
and Vizio has Roku built in, so they have all
your fucking logins. Okay. Habits. Walmart owns
Roku. I do have, yeah. I do have a Roku TV, so
I guess it's, yeah. Well, they're watching everything.
Dude, it's literally the scene at the, I can't
remember if it was the last one or the second
to last in Severance, when there's the guys in
the room at computers looking back through their
computer. My bad. Spoiler. Oh, so you have. Yeah.
What are you doing? Dude, they are always looking
back. They got me out last week. I was joking
with my friend. We were joking about cartoons.
I was like, yeah, man, you know. And back in
the day, Miss Incredible, like, I liked her.
I was like, yeah, man, you know, even Mara Simpson,
she wasn't that bad. And then we were talking
about, like, I remember, you remember Family
Guy? What's that girl's name? Lois? Lois. I was
like, yeah, man, they weren't bad. I remember
back then, I was like, yeah, man, I wouldn't
mind. Like, that was some good shit. I used to
like that. And then, like, next day, I was on
TikTok, and then it popped up with the two twins,
like, Marge's sisters. And then they were, like,
on there, and then they just opened up like this.
I was like, what the fuck? I never. I didn't
search this up. My friends, we were all looking
at my phone. They're like, what the hell? I was
like, this is crazy. He's trying to cover his
tracks. How the fuck? We were joking about March.
I wasn't serious. Did you watch it? And it was
TikTok? No, it was Instagram. Instagram lives.
Still does. I feel like that's more, I mean,
I've seen that on, like, porn sites. Yeah, that's
why I was confused. Oh, yeah. Is that why? Yeah,
and we looked at it and called, like, let me
see if this is real. And then it was really going
on, and I turned up, and I'm like, this is wild,
man. I can't believe. Wait, what did you mean,
let me see if it's real? Because I was like,
man, maybe this is just a clip from the show.
And then when I clicked on it, it was not a clip
from the show. This was some fake shit. And I
was like, I never searched this up. I don't know
how we were joking about all this stuff. Because
that classifies as, what did they call it? The
hentai. And we were like, this is crazy. And
then that pops up. And I'm like, this is wild
as hell. Man. It is wild, yeah. So you clicked
on how long did you watch it? I just looked at
it one time. You're saying we. Yeah, because
I was joking. I was like, this is crazy, y 'all.
I mean, this has never popped up on my phone.
We were talking about it. I'm sure it was equally
as convincing then. They were joking around.
And I did a joke. I was like, yeah, man, Marge
Simpson, the sisters weren't bad either. And
they're, like, joking around. And then that just
popped up. Then it popped up. Yeah. So they know
you. The sisters are terrible. Yeah, they do.
I mean, they're literally made to be the worst.
Like, they're, like, gross. Really? Like, Selma
and... What are their names again? I swear it's,
like, Selma and, like, Irma or some shit. Let
me show you a picture, though. I mean, you can
pull up a picture. I'm very aware of what they
look like. I mean, literally, yeah. You said
they're not bad? Well, at the time, they weren't.
Back in their golden years. Season one when they
were drawn even worse. That's when they looked
good. What'd you say? Season one when they were
drawn even worse. They got nothing. Wow. Maybe
there's an episode where they were young. That's
right. Patti Bouvier. Dude, I still am, but I
was a huge Simpsons fan. Really? Me too. I don't
remember as much as they, but I'd know random
facts about it and stuff. Because I was trying
to get every season DVD set. That was my goal
for a little while. There's a lot of those motherfuckers.
There's a fuck ton. Back then it was only like,
it was less than 20. I think back then. How many
is it now? It's the longest running TV show in
history. It's still on right now, isn't it? Yep,
still on now. I actually did watch a recent one
not that long ago. It was still good. It wasn't
like... extremely hilarious or anything, but
it was alright. 785. I thought there'd be more.
Episodes. How many seasons? 36 seasons. Damn.
Damn, man, 1989? That's 20 years ago. That's
when they started. Yeah, that one's even crazier,
because that I would not expect to still be on
TV. The Symptoms was there before I was born
and through my whole life. It makes sense. But
always Sonny is crazy, though. Whenever people
are like, you couldn't make Seinfeld, I think,
and somebody else with a TV show. The Office.
Corral was like, you can't make that anymore.
I'm like, Sonny still makes it. Yeah. I have
not seen any recent seasons, to be fair. I mean,
it's not like peak Sonny, but it's still funny.
It's still who they are. And their whole reasoning
is, which is 100 % right, like, we're making
a show about... the four worst people you've
ever met who work in a bar, and they're like,
how can you keep it going? Because people like
that, they don't change. They're always going
to work in that bar. Yeah, yeah. And they're
always going to, so if you're showing four of
the shittiest people, you don't fucking butter
it up to whatever is acceptable now. They're
not going to do that. You ever met those people?
Oh, right, because they wouldn't. Yeah, that's
a good, okay, yeah, I see what you're saying,
yeah. Yeah, I like that. They fought to take
the, you know, they took the, the blackface episode
off whenever he did um because they were arguing
what's what's what's more racist blackface or
black voice so dennis did half the movie and
black voice that's right and then they took like
both of those episodes down and they were mad
about it they were like what the fuck but they
still let him keep the first episode in when
charlie says the hard really wow like in the
first five minutes too yeah yeah the gang gets
racist yeah yeah yeah I can't believe they take
shit like that down. See, that's the overcorrection.
That's what Republicans want. Dukes of Hazzard?
Yeah, Dukes of Hazzard. Wait, what about Dukes
of Hazzard? The whole show, you can't find it?
You couldn't for a while. And they digitally
took the Confederate flag off the top for a while.
Off the top of the car? Come on, man, what are
you doing? That's just stupid. world's going
to shit because also then it just becomes everybody's
just gonna be like like say that i don't know
they brought back the tv show and they digitally
get rid of it of the flag on top then it's just
gonna be people being like you know there was
actually confederate flag on top like it doesn't
disappear people just go like that becomes the
little factoid now and why you try to change
fucking history it is what it is yeah Well, I
mean, you should try to change. That's the voice
that's held us back, Dom. For how many years?
It is what it is. It is what it is. What you
been up to? Other than the fountain. Not much.
Playing FIFA. Actually, we were talking to Always
Sunny, Glenn McElhenney, and what's his name?
Rexum. FC. Ryan Reynolds. Right now in my FIFA
game, we're battling it out for promotion. It's
not going to happen for them. I already played
my games against them for the season, but they're
dropping off. I'm going up. I'm winning games
like 7 -0 now, but I refuse to change the difficulty
level. It's supposed to be fun. Yeah, exactly.
It's supposed to be fun. Taking the Morecam shrimps
all the way to the top. I've managed to get a
half Caribbean team now, too. It's hard to draft
players only from the Caribbean. It's very difficult.
But I'm working on it. So, big stuff. So, what's
your team? Is it your own team? No, it's Morecam
FC. I just wanted to choose... As low tier as
I could go in the game. So it's like, yeah, M
-O -R -E -C -A -M -B. You said M -O -R -E? Yeah.
C -A -M -B. You said M? Yeah. Is that it right
there? Yeah, that's it. The shrimps, baby. Right
there. The shrimps. What the fuck? It's a real
team game, dude. No, no, no. That's not why I
chose that. When I was scrolling through all
the teams in fourth division or whatever, I saw
this one with shrimps, and I'm like, that's just
hilarious. That's not a shrimp at all. Yeah,
what the fuck? That's a big -ass cat. Okay. Yeah,
I mean, he's not lying. That's not a shrimp.
So that's weird. I don't get that. But they do
funny shit over there in England. Does he have
three heads? Or is that his cheeks? Where are
you seeing three heads at? No, that's his cheeks.
Okay, I thought he had another face. You know,
like Sylvester Cat. He got that too. With the
little side things, yeah. But no, I did look
up the town, Morecam, because I was like, I wonder
what the hell's going on there. I don't know
if I'm saying it right either. But the only thing
that comes up about it, and this is crazy, because
you hear about quicksand a lot when you're a
kid. But... I don't know where the hell it is
in the real world. I was starting to wonder if
it's even real. But in Morecam, 28 people died
in quicksand. What? Yeah. They have a really
long, big beach there. And it's just the perfect
mixture of sand and water. Add quicksand into
the search. Yeah, let's see that. And if I remember
right, it was a bunch of Chinese immigrants.
uh picking like oysters and they didn't know
that it's quick because they couldn't read the
sign and it's easy for them to go down uh -huh
yeah well i actually i would pick them to be
able to get out of it i feel like that's like
a fight that's like they don't have that much
space until they're all the way under oh that's
wow yeah that's thinking with your noggin that's
the worst way i was just thinking like i feel
like getting out of quicksand comes up somewhere
in kung fu i'm not sure i'm unfamiliar with the
martial arts but We were just talking about the
worst ways to die, and Brandon said it. Who said
they wanted to be burned alive? Brandon. Brandon,
yeah. No, not me. I had a friend that said that.
Oh, that's right. He was like, man, you know,
it's good to die young. I'm glad that's what
you're doing, because he's like, dude, hey, man,
that's how I'd want to go, going in a fire looking
dope as hell. That's the best way to go. It does
look dope. He's like, it's great to die young.
Pull up Monk on fire. Oh. Now, that one is badass.
Yeah, that's the most, I feel like that's the
most badass image humanity's ever taken. Because
also it's like, I mean, it is cool that it's
like the most, somebody made that the cover of
their album. Like he ain't even moving, dog.
Half his shit is on fire. Tough dude, man. Yeah,
no, that shit is insane. Human Torch? I wonder
if anybody's like. This promotion for the new
Fantastic Four? Yeah. You want to see the Human
Torch? Of course they would. Of course they would
cast some Asian guy to play the guy from Fantastic
Four. Let me see. 2025. Fucking woke media. Oh,
so nobody ever responded to Brandon. Let's see.
Should I look it up? Nobody says anything. I'll
look it up. See, I mean, it does look dope, but
that's not realistic. You don't think that's
realistic? I mean, yeah, if you're getting burnt
up, but you're not going to be flying around
happy about it. No, no. They like the dudes who
burnt themselves over. I don't even know what
it was. Oh, yeah. See, look, this is why you
don't kill yourself. The one at the White House.
Yeah, you got to tell people what it's about
before you do that, man. Taking breath. He's
smiling. Oh, wow. That's crazy. That guy's running
around. That's a free Tibet flag behind him,
too, or a Tibet flag. Yeah, but no, a guy did
that at the White House. It was not that long.
It was only a couple years ago. But nobody knew
what his message was. Let's see. White House
fire. He thinks people should be on fire. We're
running society wrong. We should be... On fire.
Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. I'm good on that. You
remember the one where he was screaming, and
he was like, free Palestine. And he's the, ah,
free Palestine. And then, like, you can tell
that's when he got those vocal cords. He screamed
for a good amount. Damn. Yeah. He got a good
amount out of it. That's on Twitter? Yeah, it
definitely was. We'll check that out. I'm starting
to think you like to see death a lot. No, man.
I like to prevent death. That's what I like to
do. I like to prevent death. Well, if you're
comfortable seeing it, you'll be more comfortable
in that situation. Yeah, let's prevent it. I'm
not. I mean, I'll watch fucked up videos online,
but like, oh, God, there's one. This is the second
time it popped up, so I should have known what
it was. But it's a guy. outside of a house and
a lady inside and she's filming him through the
window and he's yelling he's clearly the problem
in the situation like heavy domestic abuser vibes
he's like god damn it sally have you and then
he and he punches the window as soon as he punches
it just explosion of blood and like you know
he definitely cut his wrist and he's like help
me help me and she's not doing shit which like
you know because you can't turn from calling
her a bitch to being like please save my life
but damn yeah it every once in a while you see
one and it really fucking gets you in the head
and I was like ah fuck I shouldn't watch that
because I just keep thinking about wrist like
when was your first time seeing that seeing somebody
die like online oh what was the first video I
don't know I mean it was probably like a car
wreck on TV right or like because they would
say they would say on TV they'd be like oh they
can't show it if somebody really died but like
They show shit where people really die, for sure.
Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. Especially when it's
breaking news. I mean, literally 9 -11, but...
When it's breaking news. Oh, yeah, it's breaking
news. Yeah, for sure. Or, like, when the war
was popping off, they would show that shit. Uh
-huh. Yeah. I don't know, though. I can't remember
first for sure, but what are some highlights
of... What do they call those movies? Yeah, what
are the snuff film highlights? Face to Death.
Face to Death? The fan from TV. What is that?
It was like a film that you could rent. Oh, no,
I don't know about this. Then you watch people
die in various ways. No, we were on to DVDs by
my childhood. Was that it? No, no, no. It's a
video and it's just people dying. Is it scripted?
That's the dude getting electrocuted right there
with the shit over his eyes. So it's a scripted
movie. No, this is real shit. Like, they have,
like, I think they had a kid. Well, no, no, but
a snuff film, like, I'm saying is it a scripted
movie, but they are actually doing it. No, no,
no. This is just a compilation of my favorite
one. But where the hell do you get a video like
that? Well, this is an electric chair. Oh, this
is an execution. Yeah, execution, and then you
see the blood comes out of his eyes after this.
Oh, I see. And he's not dead after the first
time they shock him. Damn. So they had to come
and check his post and then do it again. Damn.
See, that's why I prefer the acoustic chair.
Sorry. Let's go down. Mark Zuckerberg, man. There
was one. This is my favorite one. I might have
said it on here before, but it's like, so they
were going bungee jumping. Freelance bungee jumping.
And they... What? Freelance? Yeah, they're just
bumping, like, they're just going, they're hooking
up, yeah, and jumping off. And they did it to
this abandoned building, and they didn't account
for them not having a 13th floor, because a lot
of buildings back in the day had 13 floors kicking
out. And I swear, he goes just like this, he's
like, you guys catch me, and they're filming
at the bottom, like, and he jumps, and he just,
boom! It's not funny. Oh, my God. That is funny.
Because he said, guys, catch me. Come on, man.
That's like off a movie or something. You know
what happened with the monkey? I don't know.
But they got one on there where they got a monkey.
And then, I guess it's in Thailand or something.
They put it in this table so it's alive. But
they eat its brain. But everybody beats it. Yeah,
it's on Face of Death. I didn't know you beat
the monkey. I think that's, yeah, it's right
there. So everybody gets, like, a little mallet,
and they hit the monkey in the head and beat
it, and then they open the brain up and eat it.
Oh, damn, man. No. You can't. Well, that thing
would kill you, but still. That's a strong argument
for colonialism. Maybe we should be running shit
over there. They're glory -holing monkeys to
slap. Is somebody getting mauled by a bear? Oh,
yeah, you always got a couple of those. Well,
yeah. Yeah, it happens. Oh, the stabbing. It
was a psychiatric patient, and he had the nurse
holding her like this, and he stabs her in the
neck with, I think it was a pin or something.
Oh, yeah. Let's see if we can find that. This
it right here. He looks like no. There was always
somebody in school who got stabbed with a pencil.
Oh, man. That was always a thing. I did that.
Would you ever be like, see, I have the lead
still in. I remember as kids, it would be like,
look, there's still lead in there. Like it's
a bullet. Dude, I knew kids like that, man. He'd
squeeze it and be like, look, see, it's coming
out a little bit. Uh -huh. He'd smile at you.
Yeah. Yeah, they were always. Fucking weird.
Those are the ones you got to watch. I accidentally
stabbed a kid in kindergarten because he was
messing with a pencil. And you stabbed him? Yeah.
You accidentally or did you? I don't know what
happened. I got my ass beat because I stabbed
him. How do you not know what happened? You didn't.
It was like I just snapped because he just kept
messing with me. I was like, leave me alone.
That's it. Damn, that was your last day in regular
class. And then my mom took me home. You got
to remove that boy. That's horrible, man. I got
my ass whooped. Your mama whooped your ass? Yeah,
she did. She tried to paddle me. She's like,
no, I got this. They still did paddling down
here? Yeah, no way, dude. That's so. And I was
like, just paddle me. And they're like, no, we
can't paddle you. Your mom's going to go like,
no, paddle me. You wanted them to. Yes, I did.
Did you used to see kids get paddled? Oh, yeah.
Like my friend, he would get paddled on the regular.
That was here? Yeah, like when I was at Chapman.
Oh, wow. Chapman Elementary or whatever? Yep.
Yeah, okay, wow. Damn, that's crazy. It was like
2009. Did they still do it? No, not anymore.
It was 2009, 2010, though. Wow. I mean, that
is late. I mean, really late. That's crazy. Wow.
We were just talking about you got to beat your
kids. When people go out there and have them.
Not beat them, but you got to touch them up.
A little tap. A little tap. If they get out of
line. Just a little tap. Hey. Yeah. Nothing.
Not, like, be all, like, punk. No, just a little
tap. Just a little tap. Yeah, or you do, like,
the... Newspaper, I guess. The, like, fucking...
The dad pressure point thing. Oh, I'll... Just
fucking grab you right here. Yeah. You don't
have to beat nobody. Just a little tap. Like,
don't do that. Hey. Yeah, you gotta, like, Krav
Maga. Like, sort of do the fine little... Little
newspaper, I guess. Fuck. poke them in their
meridian lines. Shit. I don't know what that
is. I don't know what that is either. I can't
agree with that. I think that's where they...
Charlie over here just talking. He said like
four big words, but I think he's fucking with
us. Are you messing with us, man? He said, grab
my guy. No, I know what... No, we know what that
is. It's a karate shit. It is funny that I was
at Ace Hardware for my fountain supplies, and
there was a guy with a shirt on that said, I
mean it's like K -R -A -V space M -A -G -A and
I was like oh MAGA I'm like crave MAGA like you
like crave MAGA I thought it was some sort of
like and then I realized it's Krav Maga it's
like yeah but it just you're so accustomed to
thinking MAGA you see M -A -G -A or you know
you don't think Massachusetts Georgia you think
fucking I mean it makes sense because he is in
UFC Who was? Yeah, he is in UFC. But I feel like
this guy... I don't think this guy does UFC.
The guy I saw at Ace. I don't think. What are
you saying? He didn't fit the shape of it? No,
I'm just saying... You know, I don't know what
I'm saying. He had a shirt on that said Krav
Maga. But also, like... The MAGA was highlighted.
So, like, I don't know. It still could have been
a pun on it. Is it, like, a crossover? Is he,
like, yeah, is he, like, being, like, I'm MAGA,
and I'll, like, fight for it or something? Yeah,
which that's what he loves. Because they had
a whole ceremony. He got to go down and walk
down. They were like, yeah, and everybody was
cheering. Like, he was getting ready to fight.
True. And they're pro -Israel, right? Trump and
the... They're pro -Israel. I don't know. I think
MAGA... I'm not a pro -Israel guy. I think MAGA's
pro -Israel and Krav Maga's the Israeli one.
Isn't it? That's like the Israeli army's fucking...
If anybody can split up the MAGA following, it's
the Jews. I'm going to tell you that. Watch.
That's what's going to cut it. It's the people
who support Israel. Because they run things.
No, I'm kidding. Wait, but why them? I just think
that's because people really love Jews. Uh -huh.
But they have their conspiracy, too. Yeah, they
got this conspiracy that they run everything.
So all the people who were in the QAnon shit,
and that's on Trump's side from that, I don't
think they like the Jews. Oh, they're not going
to be able to see eye to eye on this. Yeah. So,
you know, they're always tearing things apart.
Yeah. Wow. I mean. I see what you're saying,
though. I'm just thinking, yeah, yeah. They probably
won't be able to. Seattle. Thanks for Googling.
You give him an Adam Sandler movie. Everybody
loves Adam Sandler movies. Adam Sandler's shit.
Big Daddy? I was watching that a couple... I
guess, yeah. Oh, is that why? No, you're right.
You're right. I was watching that two days ago,
man. Big Daddy. Which one is that? The one where
he gets to do from, you remember Sweet Life of
Deck with Zack and Cody? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,
as his adopted son or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I
can wipe my own ass. I forgot about that one.
Did you watch Sweet Life of Deck on Zack and
Cody? No, that was in 2004. Yeah, it'd be very
strange if you watched that. I was just... Yeah.
I was just recently shitting on all the Disney
Channel shit. I was just saying, when I was growing
up, I was like, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon,
fuck Disney Channel. I thought all the... They
had all these... I know, I know, Brandon. I know
you're going to have some opinions on this. That's
why I'm bringing it up. To me, they were like
weird, kind of like corny sitcom. Type things,
but then people were hitting me with sweet life
on deck. I was like yeah, I guess that one was
pretty all right What was that so Raven Disney?
Yes, that's a rave. Yeah, whether the Webley
place that one sucks. Good luck Charlie Waverly
place was awful Yeah, it was last one wizard
a Webley place and then a good luck. I didn't
watch you. Good luck Charlie I know that my name
is that so you would you would think I would
have oh, it's like chick. Yeah Dude, I remember
Jessie. That's who I grew up with, too. Yeah,
I remember that. She was on Sweet Life for Deck,
too. Just wait until you open up your TikTok.
You remember Debbie Ryan? She was on Sweet Life
for Deck, also. Is it Deck? Sweet Life for Deck?
Yes. Yeah. Wait, let's double check. Oh, wait,
yeah, because that was the second season, or
the second spin -off. Originally, it was just
Suite Life with Zack and Cody. Suite smelled
like a hotel suite. They lived in a hotel. Oh,
okay. That was good, yeah. In fact, yeah, I don't
remember on deck being... Oh, yeah, those boys
were twins. Uh -huh. See, there he is right there,
yep. Man, time flew by, man. It's like yesterday.
Oh, dude, wait. Have you seen the interview?
One of them does this interview where he's, like,
it's more recent, and he's smoking a cigarette.
And it's, like, the most, I mean, like, obnoxiously,
like, cool guy shit. Like, he goes, you mind
if I smoke in here? And the lady doing the podcast
or interview is like, yeah, yeah, go ahead. She's
not going to say no. He's the biggest name they've
had in one of our houses. Oh, shit, that's worse
than expected. No, just, uh, and then put interview
in it. Oh yeah. That's, that's the picture from
it. He's just like, yeah. I mean like, I just
like to smoke like cigarettes, you know, like,
cause now like people just blow smoke in the
air. No way. Yeah. Please have your cigarette.
Let's open the door. I don't know. People get,
people are all cool about. It's fine. Everyone's
smoking weed in like a studio. But not a fucking
cigarette. And everyone gets like this. It's
fine. It's fucking fine. I'm curious. Did you
even go to like elementary school? I did. It
was off and on. It was in between jobs, mainly.
But most of my younger curriculum was homeschooled.
Which is great, because to be honest, I did not
feel like I missed out on much. I just felt like
I watched myself do this in the mirror, lighting
up a cigarette. And with the cross -legged thing.
There's another one a lot like that with Johnny
Depp from forever ago. They made us watch it
in theater class in high school. Because he's
Johnny Depp, it kind of works. To me, it's not
pretentious bullshit like that. And then type
interview at the end. When they're famous like
that from such a young age, you don't have any
real world to... You don't even understand. Right
here? No, it's not that. This one would be a
deep cut to find. I think they showed it to us
on a VHS. But yeah, probably starting with videos
does help. I'm going to talk about cigarettes.
Mind if I smoke in here? I think you can't feel
sorry for somebody who grew up rich and all this
stuff, but you kind of can because they don't
have a realistic view of the world. So when they
act like this, they just don't know. No, and
it's not their fault that they grew up. I used
to be way more like... fuck them but now I'm
kind of like well I don't know people are just
born and then they become a thing whether they
mean to or not you can't control where you are
you can be in a dumpster you can be in a mansion
anywhere you're born you'll be born in a toilet
like it happens is that where you were born no
thankfully no I was born in Detroit hospital
you were born in a hospital though yep thankfully
yes complications I think I was premature a little
bit what about like lack of oxygen I think so
because I was yellow. Oh, you were a jaundice
baby. Yeah, we almost died, like both of us.
And the doctor came at the last second and saved
us. They were so close. His twin named jaundice.
So you're a survivor. Yes, I am a survivor. You're
not going to give up. Came out the womb fighting.
Yeah, like a Simpson, man. I was yellow as hell.
Yeah. Man, dude, I'm telling you, I was almost
not here. At first, it was already a surprise.
That you were being born. Oh, yeah. Nobody expected
that. All the way until you were born? Well,
no, no, no. We knew, but before that, they were
like, oh, man, this is good. I could have kids.
Oh, she did though. She could have did. Yeah.
And then, so it was like ever since, it was like
since day one, just been fighting in this world,
man. You're a miracle baby. Yes, I am. I went
poof. Man, Brandon versus the world. I'm glad
to be here today, everybody. We're going to get
you your Make -A -Wish so you can get your miracles
back. Yeah, Make -A -Wish, right? What would
be your Make -A -Wish? My Make -A -Wish? Well,
I already said it. Yeah, I do think you have.
But, I mean, dude. Wait, your what? Oh, it was
when I was talking to Jalen. I was talking about,
like, all the world peace and all that shit.
That was a lot. Everything. Well, me as a kid,
because it's like, you can't do that now. I was
like, man, I want to do everything. I want to
go strip club. A little more virginity as a kid.
But now, I guess, man, a lot of things. We can
go to WrestleMania. Okay, yeah. WrestleMania.
Put me on Saturday Night Live. It'd be a lot,
man. I'd be like, WrestleMania. There's, like,
a fast pass line there for the fucking Make -A
-Wish kids. Give me money from the bank. Everything.
I got a list. Man. Never ends. Wait, what was
the last one? The bank? Oh, yeah, man. Give me
money from a bank, I guess. I do think that's
where they draw the line. I don't think a Make
-A -Wish kid can be like, how about you just
give me money? Yeah, I'm like, let's get some
money. They'd probably save money if they did
that, though. Yeah, they're like, yeah, he just
works as like an interest -gaining thing. They're
like, well, you give it to him, and then when
he dies, you get it back at 2 % more. Put me
in WWE Hall of Fame. Put you in it? Yeah. Without
doing any wrestling? Yeah. He died. Put me on
Saturday Night Live. He's an alumni. That would
be funny. Just die on the set. Oh, no. Is it
raining outside? Sorry. That really took us out
of the... Also, it's just the AC kicking on.
I got a fountain back home. I put a very specific
amount of water in there. I don't need the rain
fucking that up. Brad, I'm just looking at you
with this hair. We got to shoot a skit where
he's like an 80s something. I look like I'm from
the 80s, don't I? Yeah, you look like an 80s
cop, I feel like. You'd be like the side character
in an 80s cop comedy. You let your sideburns
grow out. Can you make them grow out a little
fatter? Oh, yeah. You can get the sideburns,
too. Oh, man, dude. My biological dad, he was
a cop. Really? Yeah, in the 80s. Interesting.
I think my dad's biological dad was a cop. I
might be wrong about that. Really? I think so.
I don't know. We don't have no snitches in our
family. Damn. And you guys are poor. No, I'm
kidding. Yeah, I don't know. Cops. That's where
we hit a dead end, huh? It's like cops. Well,
yeah. That all up, right, Brad? Because you got
to work with them. Yeah, see, not all of them.
No, man. There's some good ones out there. They
save people's lives just like you're about to
do. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. You can. Shoot,
I've seen. You ever seen Paul Blart, Mall Cop?
Man, that's a good cop right there. Fucking,
what was it, Axel Foley with Beverly Hills Cops?
That's a good cop. Which one is the one with
the guy that makes the sounds? Wait, wait, what?
Oh, Police Academy. Yeah, and what's his name
again? What's the sound guy? Winslow. That's
Michael Winslow who does the sounds? Yeah, right.
Really? I thought it was, I don't know, I thought
it was somebody else. Yeah, but there's other
guys that do this, like, sound shit. There's
other, if I remember right, there's other, I
mean, This isn't even controversial. Those other
black guys that make funny sounds. It's not just
Winslow. Him? Yeah, I guess that is him. Who
am I thinking of though? Bobby McFerrin is who
I was thinking of. I don't know why I thought
it was him. Bobby McFerrin? Yeah, do you know
who that is? No. I guess he just does music.
For some reason, I thought he acted, too. Oh,
he did Don't Worry, Be Happy. Don't Worry. Yeah,
yeah. Dude, he's actually really fucking cool.
He can sing really well. Like, does crazy singing
things. And he has this video where he's at some
conference or some shit. I don't know. But he's
on stage, and he's showing people that, like,
you innately know. music so basically he's like
he is standing in one spot on the stage and he's
like when I jump here go ah and so he jumps and
the crowd goes ah and then he jumps a little
to the right and he goes when I jump here go
ah and then they go ah and then he does this
whole little thing back and forth where he's
like ah ah ah like jumping around but then without
telling anybody anything he jumps to a third
spot And the whole crowd go up with them. They
all go, ah. Like, they go up with them. So he's
saying, like, you know the pentatonic scale,
like, just inside of you. And so, I don't know.
That's cool. That sounds dope as hell. Yeah.
Yeah. I thought it would sound dope as hell.
Get all those people to do that, man. It is cool,
though. It's, like, a cool. I like those, like.
I don't know. I guess I like somebody who can
teach well, I guess. I mean, it's like that thing
where they rub your hand and they put a fake
one there and you can feel it. Yeah, like that
ghost face. I mean, I'm not quite sure in what
way it's like that. But I mean, those are both
things. So I guess you could draw a comparison,
yeah. But that is also crazy. I won't lie, I
react with the same craziness. Whoa, you can
fucking feel it? That's crazy. And they'll do
it with the hammer. They put the mirror on them
like this, and you're looking at the fake hand,
but you think it's your real hand, and they smash
it. That is pretty cool. That is dope. I saw
something like that yesterday where this dude,
he had a piano that whenever he hit it, it would
shoot. at something. Oh, I've seen that. He got
the choir. The paintballs. Yeah, and he just
kept shooting them. And then they were like screaming.
Each key, or what was it? He was trying to play
the people like an instrument. So like, I think
each person had a note. That corresponded to
the piano key. So when they got shot by the paintball,
they go, ah. Or maybe they didn't have a note.
But they would all go, ah, ah, ah. Yeah. And
he had to do auto -tune because they would just
be like, ah. Yeah. And he's like, that ain't
right. No, but by the end, they were like, all
right, can we please? Because he's like, they
keep messing it. He's trying to play a whole
piece and they keep messing up. And by the end,
they're like, this hurts. Can you stop, please?
We don't care that you want to play fucking Beethoven's
Fifth or whatever. Y 'all want to see it? uh
yeah gun piano that's it right there yeah this
is the first european tick tocker it's like austrian
or some but eventually we found some music students
that said yes I will try going up the scale.
Shooting them definitely created a lot of sound,
but it wasn't music. However, I had an idea.
Look at these microphones. This setup will force
the correct note to be sang, so even their screams
will become beautiful music. It's Hitler. Yeah.
Ready? Even the screams will become beautiful
music Somebody said I will kill you. Yes You
should never get these niggas money. That's what
music's all about, I guess. Yeah, fucking Doge
or whatever would say that. Like, that was USAID
funded. Human gun piano? Brandon, I will have
to tell you. I think you were right. About the
urinal. Really? So what happened was we were
out at Lone Goose, and I had gray pants on, gray
jeans. And I went to the urinal, and I was talking
to Jake. We were in a deep conversation. And
I didn't realize that I didn't pull my – I pulled
it out of my boxers but not out of my pants,
and I pissed all the way down my pants on both
sides. Oh, my God. And I didn't realize it until
– until i got done and then jake was like so
i had to follow behind him and i walked out to
the car and luckily from that scene with chandler
we're shooting a skit and i had some the ugliest
jeans in the world and i put those on went back
in nobody noticed oh my god nobody said anything
what a getaway though yeah that's impressive
but also that is crazy that you full piss Oh,
full. Like, down both sides. I don't even know
how that happens. I still don't know how. Someone
pissed in my face. Yeah. That's why you got to
go in the stall, stand up, sit down, do what
you got to do. So you still going to do user
urinal? Yeah, I'm still going to use it. Okay,
cool. It was user error, but I was like, when
it happened, I was like, you know, I should have
listened to Brandon and dropped her out. I was
going to say, yeah, that wouldn't have happened.
If you were in the stall. Well, no, if you dropped
your pants all the way to your ankle. In the
stall. Well, yeah, I mean, I guess that's the
perfect solution. But both ways it wouldn't happen.
If you dropped them in a urinal or in the stall.
Or sat down. You do sit down now, Pete? No, no,
no. I graduated from that. I've been messing
around with sit down, actually. I've been sitting
down more. How does it feel? Because you could
pull out a phone and, like, look at a movie or
something. Yeah. I mean, that is kind of. But
you don't do it. I actually don't really know
why I started doing that. But, yeah, at home
lately I've been sitting more often to pee. Oh,
I just got tired of wiping the edge. Because,
like, even if I'm on target, which, I mean, you
know, I don't know. I'm under 300 on that. But,
like, it's not terrible. I'm not, like, totally
missing. Because you ever have where, like, you.
You whip it out, and it goes a little more to
the side. Oh, without a doubt. Dude. Yeah, sometimes
that's hard to account for because you're like,
I'm lined up down the middle, didn't know it
was going to be a foul ball or something. Yeah,
you didn't take into the wind factor. Yeah. Well,
there's no wind in my bathroom. That would be
funny if you just had a fan right by it. Check
out the curve on this. I'm glad you agree with
my claim, man. Of sitting down being. No, not
just that. I was going to be like, why? So you
would never be like, hey, man, let's use the
stall and pull the pants down? Never. I zero
times ever pull my pants all the way down while
standing. Halfway? Not even halfway. So you just
go to the urinal? I go to the urinal. When I
do go to the urinal, I keep my pants up. But
also, when I go into the stall, I also keep my
pants up. Wow, man. That defeats the purpose.
So you don't ever feel worried? Worried about...
About, like, what just happened to Donald. Oh,
I forgot that that was your reasoning originally,
way back when. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it only
goes... I don't get two directions hardly ever.
Besides when you just, like... Besides I just
came. Yeah, I came and there's a... Apparently
there's a little bit of dry cum on my dick. Then
you get a little bit of pain. What is preventing
me? What? No, go ahead. No, I was just... You
say pain. Yeah. Like it hurts when you pee. Is
that what you're getting at? For five seconds,
and then it's gone. Five, and then it's gone.
That's not bad. I guess the term is if you get
too rough or something, then you get sore. Too
rough with what? Yeah, if you just get too crazy.
With the what? With what's going on. We were
talking about after us, like the word sex, right?
Yeah, no, no, no. I have this, too, where my
shit hurts. Yeah, if you get too crazy, you're
like, damn, I need to calm the fuck down a little
bit. I don't know what it is, but I will say
often after having sex. Next time I go to pee,
it hurts a little bit. Right away. Is that what
you're saying? Otherwise, I would not have said
that. That's what I'm saying. We got to get this
out of my system because I don't want to get
a UTI or nothing. They say that, but now my trick
for that is I try to wait as long as possible
to piss. Because it doesn't hurt then later when
I piss. That makes sense. I should wait. Here's
how it can backfire though. The thing is that
What he was talking about with the little bit
at the end that dries up, that's worse later.
So sometimes there's been a second delay where
I start pissing and it's like... I guess it has
to build up the pressure. The pressure to break
it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which there's no way
that that's good. I mean, I don't know why it'd
be bad, but it can't be good. How about urinary
medicicles? Okay. That is the term for that.
We were talking before the podcast about how
I had a kidney surgery. And I remember calling
a nurse or like just the office because something
looked not quite right. Something was a little
different after. And like, it was probably just
like slight swelling or something, but I don't
know. So I call and I'm like, yeah, I don't know
if I should cut. There's just something's different
about my urethra. It's, it looks different. And
she's like, your urethra. And I was like, yeah.
And she's like, so like what? And I'm like, dude,
this is the urologist. You should know, even
if you're just like the front desk lady. And
I'm like the hole on my penis. That's what I'm
talking about. And she's like, Oh, the urinary
meatus. And I was like, i guess i don't know
and i was like i think it's the urethra and how
y 'all feel you feel like that's the right term
right i would think you're yeah apparently urethra
is like the inside of your dick like the tube
on the way there but i was just so i dude i was
like why does that matter yeah you know what
i'm trying to say yeah nobody knows the fucking
technical terms i was already doing the most
with urethra yeah i was like i was coming in
i'm like i'm studied for this yeah i would have
said p -hole yeah yeah wow whoa what you're trying
to say it is really awkward in those offices
choosing what term to use i'm like do i go like
all scientific like penis or do i say my dick
or do i i've thrown it i've kind of messed out
with all of them what's that you did you you
put dick i i well not writing but like when i'm
talking to them in the office i'm like how do
i say because like it's weird well i don't know
Maybe it's not weird, but I've tried penis. I've
tried dick. I don't know what's right. Because
sometimes I feel like with penis, they think,
oh, you're trying to do my job. What did you
say? The dump truck would be like the snake.
The snake or the what was the first? The dump
truck. You call your penis dump truck. I call
it old football. The old chain. The old anaconda.
Okay, I get Anaconda, and I get... Yeah, Snake
is fine. Yeah. Every other one is good. Well,
what are some others? What I do is, like, you
know how a mafia person will tell you they're
trying to kill you, but they'll be like, hey,
man, you keep messing around, I'm going to put
you in the old shelter or something. Like, I
do it like that with my junk. Yeah, man, you
know, the old... And the old vehicle's about
to come out. Uh -huh, the old Ford Taurus. You
know what I mean? The old Mustang GT, the scat
pack. Uh -huh. I like that. The old microphone.
I'd hate to know where the scat pack has been.
Stuff like that, just to make it less awkward.
I'm sure. That makes it less awkward. I think
so, because I just come out like, yeah, man.
She'd be like. Excuse me? I'd be like, you know
what I mean. Ford Taurus, that's a new one. I
guess I said that, not you. Oh, man. Don't ever
change. Dump truck, I've never heard. That's
like an ass. That's definitely an ass. The dump
truck, that's for your butt. We'll change it
for that. But you might have been talking about
your dump truck. Nah, that's rare. We try to
keep it out of conversations. Well, once you
have to go to the proctologist, it'll come up.
I don't want to go to the proctologist. I mean,
nobody wants to. I mean, maybe. Yeah, no one.
Yeah. When do you start going? Other than your
vicarious friend. He's like, well. My J -Dubs.
Yeah, yeah. J -Dubs loves that trip. Just shout
out J -Dubs. We was at Millbrook last night.
That motherfucker's a wild boy. J -Dub says the
wild. These are old Christian white people, and
he's saying the most wild shit. Oh, man. First
time I got banged by a drag queen. And this is
in his set? No, no. This is outside. I was like,
I've never seen that in set. This is standing
around after. This is outside. Oh, wow. So worse,
if it was in his set, you could be like. He's
being over the top. He's being crazy. Yeah, yeah.
He's just like. Yeah. Fuck that shit. Ten Inch
is huge, man. Yeah, that's insane. That's too
much, right? How big is a fucking horse's yoke?
Bigger than that. I think bigger than that. Far
bigger. Isn't it like two feet? Two feet? I mean,
I've seen them. I don't know about two feet.
Yeah, at least. Damn. I don't know. I'd have
to do it side by side. You want me to find out?
Let's see how big is a horse's dump truck. How
big is a horse's caboose? Not caboose, though.
That doesn't work. You know, it is how big a
horse is. He just keeps his own ass things. Horse
genital size. Genital? What do you call the thing
on the front of a car? Like that little, people
steal it off of a Rolls Royce? What do you call
that? Dude? 10 to 14 inches. I was right. Relaxed.
Oh, relaxed. Shit, okay. Relaxed is a funny way
to put it. We need to see unrelaxed. Yeah, why
wouldn't they tell us to fuck it? Let's see.
I'll just say erect. Wait, but it increases by
three to four times. Three to four times? No
way, dude. That's what it says. When erect. Jesus
Christ. You know, there's more. I think that
maybe they're not fully erect until they're inside
of a pussy. Or like a horse's pussy. That's why
that person died on that video. Y 'all ever seen
that? Seen what? Where that dude got trapped
in a barn and died from it. Yeah. What are you
saying? You got trapped in a barn and died from
what? From getting fucked by the horse. Yeah,
fucked by the horse. Like, the horse jumped back
there, and then they're like, oh, shit, or that's
what they wanted. I don't know what their little
adventure was. Yeah, well, if you're in there
with your pants off, I'm... Didn't they make
a documentary about that? He's like, no, I pulled
off my pants to try to choke the horse out, and
it didn't work, and he got the best of me. I
mean, what can I say? No, I think there's, like,
two famous... One is Mr. Hands, which Alex said
earlier, where he, like... I mean, he was meeting
with a group. I think this one was Mr. Handy.
He was meeting with a group for that. People
who are into bestiality and shit. I think it
was in Seattle or something. Literally, it takes
a team of people to help you get fucked by a
horse. Really? Yeah, and they use a hoist on
the horse. It's a whole fucking... What? It's
horrible. It's like fucking OSHA gets involved.
Two men live. This is going to be a confined
space entry. If a man wants to get fucked by
his horse on his property, he should be allowed
to. But yeah, I think it literally just fucked
him to death. It just fucked up his internal
organs. If you're fucking a whore, it's time
to go. Your asshole is here. 14 times 4 is...
18. Oh, wait, hold on. I thought you said plus.
I thought you said plus. I'm tripping. I thought
you said plus. Okay, plus for the minute. Plus
for the minute. We misheard you there. We misheard
you. We misheard you. Well, even 18, but whatever
the fuck. I mean, I don't know why I cannot figure
out the math on it, but 56? Yeah. I think I hit
it. I think I hit it there. I don't know. But
anyways, measure from your asshole up 56 inches,
you're out of your fucking head. Well, your intestines
are very long. Yeah, but it's not snake. It doesn't
go straight to you. It does. No, it does. I mean,
you're not wrong. It does go. I mean, it does
follow the pipe, you know, but you're not. A
horse's dick is not making it through the small
intestine. So it's probably going to rip it,
right? That's exactly what I'm assuming happens,
yeah. Oh, I was so right. I said 56. I think,
when did you say it? Was it after you? No, no.
It was before. Dude, I started counting. It was
just right now. I started counting before we
even came in here. I was like, 28 plus 28 is
56. That is a good way to figure it out. That
is a good way to figure it out. These donations
at my job have been helping me. Dude, I'm a good
ass. Donations? Yeah, because they'll be rounded
up to $15. Oh, at Publix. I'm like, shit, man.
Before we leave, can you take us through what
you do now? Because remember last time how you
did your math to... Oh, well. Okay, so I'm going
to give you a number. All right? I give you $15.
The total was $14 .25. You said $14 .25? Hey.
Add a dollar and the change. Okay, so you said
$14 .25. Okay, so let's see. Put a $15. So you
want me to go up to, wait, so you want me to
go up to a total of $16? Because you said add
an extra dollar. I keep the change plus a dollar.
Plus a dollar. So you said, how much is it again?
So you give me $15, and it's $14 .20 what? $25.
Okay, so $100 minus $25. Take away $5, so now
we're at $75. So a total of $0 .75, right? That's
how much I got. That is correct. I mean, yeah.
Not with the dollar. But also, I would say that
didn't make sense, though. What do you mean?
Because you told me $15, and it's $14 .25, so
it's $0 .75. That's how much is left over. But
I don't get what you're... So you're telling
the cashier... Are you telling the cashier to
hang on to one? And you can keep that dollar.
They're like, well, the total... Like, I can't
keep it. That's how much it costs. I realize
I fucked up halfway through, but I'm just seeing
if he can... You were literally just holding
out for like, well, Brandon will fuck up harder
and nobody will know that I fucked up. Oh, man.
I did expect 75 to be a little snappier, though.
I won't lie. That's a big one. 25, 50, 70. That's
the quarter right there. All right. Yeah. All
right. Total's $87. All right. Wow, man. I know
this is going to be more harder. No, no, no.
Total's $87. The total's $87. I give you $100,
and I want you to donate $2. Okay, good, good.
That works out. So you said the total is $87.
Mm -hmm. All right, let's see. 10, 1, 2, 3, 4.
No, 1, 2, 3. All right, so you said you want
me to donate $2. Mm -hmm. Man, man. Okay. So,
okay. So 87. So then 10. Okay. So there's $13
left over. So take away to 11. So, okay. So I
give you back $11. Well, no, it's $11 plus the
two. So it's like all together would be 13. I
take away two for that. So it's like 11. You
get what I'm saying? Because, okay. Yeah, thank
you. We got to make sure that we all knew this.
You just double -checked your work. That's fine.
Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do. We
got it. We got this. I told you, man. Hey, you've
been on it. Yes, I have. You've been on it. Yes,
I have. You really did pass it and then hit a
U -turn. Yes, I did. Now it was that one. 10
-3. So get back here. 10, 3, 13, take a week
through. We got $11. Retrace your steps. That's
going, yeah. So you're getting 11 bucks back.
Yeah. BSGR. Hell yeah. That's spot on. That's
spot on. Yeah, man. We'll need a math class when
you got this. Yeah. For real, dude. Yeah. School
of the streets. Public streets. School of the
aisles. That dinosaur alligator. Who knows? A
lot of those public workers have weird voices.
Yeah, they do. Interesting. I ran into a weird
voice at Ace Hardware today. I was... Busy getting
some stuff for a fountain. No big deal. But his
voice was like, I almost felt like it was some
different. Dude, I had two run -ins with cashiers
today. I'll start with the less exciting one.
It was the guy at Ace. I wanted to return something.
First of all, I walked out and immediately went.
this isn't gonna work I'm building a fountain
here okay I'm gonna stop with that I was like
I got something I was like wait this won't work
so I immediately turn around and go back and
I just I don't they got the maze line you know
and I just walked in like from the end of it
like you know I skipped all the shit and he was
like you have to go around and I was like that
came off a little too down syndrome that's not
what it was I was thinking death Yeah, me too.
Whatever you thought it was. I don't know. I'm
being a nice person somehow, I swear. He says
go around and so that annoyed me. That's really
it. But then I go up there again because then
I have to purchase the right thing and I couldn't
fucking understand this guy at all. But then
I felt like he had a different version of that
RFK shit because his voice was going on and off.
Yeah, it was literally cutting in and out. And
see, when you got that stuff. I had to adjust
his antenna. You should just work manual labor.
There's no reason for you to be talking to people,
trying to get, you know, service. The cashier
I bought the first stuff with before I returned
was like, I got to go load this stuff. And I
walked back in and he saw me and still went to
load the shit. When clearly other guys should
be loading. He should have been on the cash register.
And he would have gotten it right away because
he knew what I bought. But that's not the one
I'm upset about anyways. We're going to. We're
going to keep digging into this, by the way.
I hope we have a lot of time. So I go to Circle
K on the way here. And, you know, now at the
Circle K's, they have that tray that you just,
like, set down your stuff. And it just knows
what it is. It checks you out. Not always right,
though. You check that shit. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I've gotten it positive, too, where I got away
with something. It was one of the, like, hot
food things. And I thought it was something else.
But anyways, I'm getting... uh dr pepper uh a
sleeve of peanuts and and i need a blunt wrap
from behind the counter so i walk up to the counter
and first of all this lady has the register set
up where the screen like if you go to her there's
a screen like turned around at you in between
so you can't even like make like you can't even
look at this lady in the eyes and uh but i stand
there and i kind of go like around the screen
to around the screen to like see her and uh she's
like looking at me and uh She's just looking
and she's like, you don't know what, what is
the, do you not know how to use the thing? Yes,
swear to God. Swear to God. And I went, I was
just like, no, I need to. I need something from
behind the counter. And I'm like, I don't know.
It immediately infuriated me. I almost got pissed
off. Dude, I was so pissed right away. She's
like, you don't know how to use it. I'm like,
the thing that does your job? No, I know how
to use it. Everybody knows how to do your job.
I'm sorry, but there's nothing complicated about
this. Just do it. That's all you have to do is
do it. Especially when you've got the things
that does everything else. You just have to go
fucking grab it. This is the one thing you have
to do. And then, of course, I go, can I just
get the green white owls? She goes back there.
just waddling back there took forever and she
looks down and she's like we don't have the green
ones so I move over to the side away from the
screen and I look and I'm like the green ones
up a row all the way to the right so even even
her one part she couldn't fucking do and it just
yeah I brought out the old conservative in me
it's like dude we gotta these people need to
work I'll say it again service industry is in
shambles it is yeah it is All right, y 'all.
I appreciate you coming on, man. Yeah, I'm glad
I got to get that off my chest. What's the one?
It's the one over here, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Off of Madison. Dirty White? No, no. Oh, I should
have started with that. Older, big black lady.
DMV vibe. I know who you're talking about. Oh,
you know her? Oh, my God. Hey, don't play with
me with that shit. Grab it. Because they don't
have anything else to do, and sometimes they
get too laxed. You know what I'm saying? Oh,
yeah. No, she was fully chilling. No, fucking
people come to the gas stations for a lot of
shit you got behind you. Exactly, dude. She was
100 % chilling. And I'm like, okay, I'm sorry.
You're going to have to not chill for, could
have been 20 seconds. But then it turned into
five minutes because she's a lazy bitch. Anyways.
Conversation ain't going to hurt nobody. Some
people lonely. They need that. Yeah, I could
have helped this lady out. I could have made
her feel better. You could have helped somebody
out. Somebody that's lonely at home, they got
nothing else, they want to talk to somebody at
the gas station, let them have it. Uh -huh, yeah.
All I wanted to do was compliment her on her
body. No, not that. No, I'm just talking about
life. It's always good to talk. Brandon, don't
go to the gas station and try to talk to these
people. No, I'm not trying to talk to nobody.
It's not me. I'm talking about I'm good. This
is lonely people out there. Last resort, man.
Dude, but you must run into that at Publix all
the time. At Publix was the worst job for, like,
lonely people just talking to me. Yeah, I'd be
up there. Because you guys have to be nice, right?
Yeah, you're supposed to be nice, and I was on
the floor in produce, and, like, it was just
any... They're normally old, and they're just,
like, they just... It starts with a question
about, like... when we get rutabagas or some
fucking shit and the next thing you know they're
talking about how like their daughter doesn't
talk to them i'm like a therapist yeah what's
that i'm like a therapist you'd be a great therapist
yeah advice i'm like damn man i'm sorry your
dog died bro it's okay now that'll be 785 I hate
Scrappy Doo.