This week on Clown College. You felt old when
you were 10? Oh, man, dude, yes. Is that the
oldest you ever felt? No, I feel, the oldest
I feel right now, honestly, man, I feel like
I've aged 30 damn years already. Yeah. I'm like,
damn. He's right. He's right. He's 100 % right.
I remember the other day, I was like. Welcome
to Clown College. We have profound knowledge.
In many ways, the elevator makes you sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, a few
takes on ways to make it as a comic, then stick
around for a while. If you're down to clown,
we've got a guest right now just to show you
how. Let's all go to Clown College, baby. It's
with Brandon, Taylor, Scott, and JJ. Let's all
go to Clown College, baby. There's a 5K mud run
with an obstacle course, I think. Tough Mudder?
It's called the Mustang Mud Run. Okay, yeah.
It's 5K, but we should sign up for that and do
that for 5K. I'll do it. Tell me why. I just
want to do blackface. Corey did a Tough Mudder.
We were looking through old pictures, and guess
who was there? The rapist, Lunati, he did it
with him. And they all, like, call him my friend.
I'm like, you have pictures of him on your phone.
Oh, that's you guys running a race together?
Fostering brotherly love and companionship? He
looks like he's about to rape, too. He looks
like he has rape in his eyes. I mean, dude, the
mud run, that would get you horned up, probably.
5K, that was like two and a half balls. It's
like 3 .2. 3 .2? Not horrible. Not bad. Now,
Brandon, you've been beasting working out, dude.
Oh, yeah, I'm trying to get there. Dude, how
long do you think you can take the run? What
did you say, 3 .2? Mm -hmm. I don't know. We
got to time it. I'll try it. I thankfully found
a trail. What do you think you can get it at?
Honestly, the fastest I could probably run it
would be like 26, 27 minutes. That's good. To
run 3 .2 is really good. I would say that's the
best, like nine minutes a mile. Yeah. That would
be me like trying my ass off. my fastest ever
day was 14 minute two ball so that's fast though
but that's like uh your guys's age but i was
talking to my my friend who just joined the army
yeah apparently it's like 16 minutes now for
his he's the same age as me yeah 16 minutes to
get to pass yeah yeah yeah that's what it is
to pass but you you whatever if you get 13 minutes
you get 100 points Oh, yeah. Towards promotion.
Dude, how many people do you think do that? They
do a lot. A lot of people do that? Some jobs,
to get promoted, they have to have a 300 on their
PT test. The max points is 800, and they have
to make 796. When I was in, there was a whole
bunch of people that had to make 796. So that's
like getting 100 % on your 300. For your guy's
age, it's 13 minute, two mile. uh 80 push -ups
and like 80 something sit -ups 80 push -ups in
how long uh two minutes everything is two minutes
okay and then um and then you got then you have
to have all your schooling if you want to max
it out you have to have like extra credits of
like college classes and then like all of the
board shit like all of the fucking military school
and shit like that, wards and shit to get you
points. So it's like impossible to get promoted
unless you're just a monster. Fuck all that,
man. I did my time. I did my service. You know
what mine was to get promoted? Like if 7 .8 was,
7 .6 is what a lot of people had to get, right?
320? Huh? 320? 32. 32 points total? 800 is the
max. I only had to have 32 points. How easy?
Because it's like how many sergeants you got
at this job, this MOS. We didn't have any sergeants.
And I didn't even know. And then my sergeant
was like, hey, you better go to the board. You
go to the board, you automatically become a sergeant.
And I was like, for real? I'm only like a year
and a half, maybe two years in. And then I'm
like, for real? I was like, all right, I'll go
do it. And I made the board. Then Sergeant Miller,
who I got that joke about, he was like, yo, yo
ass wouldn't have made the board if you didn't
have 32 points. And then we got in a big fight.
I was like, that's when I'm going to be your
fucking rank. And you ain't going to be able
to tell me shit. And we literally almost got
in a fight there. had to separate us really yeah
because he was he was bitching because my platoon
sergeant told me to go take a I could go to lunch
without bringing my weapon I had a fucking 249
this big ass thing clacking against my knees
I'm just going it's on post I'm going to the
fucking you know like 100 meters away to eat.
Fuck that weapon. You know what I'm saying? I
ain't about to just lay down on the ground in
any way. I'm taking somebody else's shit that
got shot. But fucking, so I was walking and he
was like, why ain't you got your weapon? I was
like, Sergeant Johnson told me I had to take
it. He was like, I don't give a fuck. You in
Afghanistan, you didn't have your weapon. I was
like, well, do you outrank her? And he was like,
nah. And that's when we got a big argument. I
was like, so I'm going to be your ranking next
month. And then he got promoted the month after.
Damn, dude. But there was that one month where
it was tight, though. One month we were equal
as shit, dude. That's crazy, man. You just have
to show up to become a sergeant? That's what
I had to do. Most people don't. Sometimes shit
just happens, right? I would have never been
a sergeant, first of all, if I didn't have my
points that low. Because I wasn't going to all
these schools and such. They had to make me go
to Air Assault. Fuck Heights. You don't like
heights? Huh? You don't fuck with heights? Go
look up air assault training. You said air assault
or salt? Air assault. Air and then assault. Air
assault. That's better when he says it. Yeah,
I can't talk right. That's what you did when
you were... Yeah, I was at Sabalowski. Air assault
training. Let's look at a picture. That's where
I was at. Go to video. Oh, okay. I just said
it on the screen. Right here. You want to click
on that one? Yeah. Yeah, let's see. Let's see
what it is. My name is Staff Sergeant Brad Kelpin,
and I'm a security forces member at the 128th
Air Wing. Hold on, this is... He's a cop. Hold
on, this is... Air assault school. Damn, man.
I'm not supposed to look good. There it is. I
did that. Oh, shit. Broke my hand. Dude, I did
that without a line. Something that I've always
wanted to do. This is, yeah, but that was, this
is. You may try to fast forward. Y 'all had to
wear helmets and shit. Oh, yeah, you have to
wear helmets. Especially when you got a fucking
blade like that coming over your head. Oh, true.
Dude, it did kill that one guy. What was his
name? Who? The guy that, the actor that got murdered
by the helicopter on set. What? Yeah. Let me
search that up. He like stepped into the back
blade. Like, you know, the one on the back. He.
Got shredded by, I think there was like two kids,
too. That died, too? I think so. On a movie?
Yeah, my dad told me about it. Okay. Have you
ever looked it up? Nope. Well, let's see, dude.
Vic Merrill? Vic Merrill, yeah. For real? Holy
shit. Yeah. This looks like it's up your alley,
dude. Ooh, the Twilight Zone? Mm -hmm. I've been
watching that. I'm obsessed with it. How did
he die? Ooh, dude. No, they don't got video.
I'm just playing. Damn, man. Wait, oh. There's
an Iroquois. Yeah, it said kill three. Freak
accident kills three on set of Twilight Zone
movie. Damn, man. Two child actors. Yeah, you're
right. Hey, your dad's a fucking source of knowledge,
man. Yeah, he remembers child murder. Yeah. Yeah,
he would never forget that. So you think we're
ever going to get him on? I mean, the thing is,
we could very easily get him on. But I don't
think we would come out with a good end product.
We probably couldn't release whatever it was.
We'll just do it for clips, like stuff that we
can release. It's like if we were to have Charleston
White on the podcast. Like there's some stuff
you can't really put in. But he does. Well, he
can do that. He does, dude. He can do that. Fucking
friend of the pot. Charleston White. Adjacent,
very close friend, dude. Cheers to that. Know
him personally. We were only $10 ,000 away from
being friends with him, dude. That's it. He would
have been sitting right here probably making
fun of my apartment. 100%. He would have brought
40 people. They all would have been just standing
right here. Yeah, it would have been the most
uncomfortable thing. Alex would have left. Start
saying slurs. Damn. The entourage culture is
cool. I like that you guys do that. Entourage?
Yeah. You bring people with you. Oh, like hype
man. Yeah. Like when you rapping. You know, like
they always got 40 people on stage. Oh, dude.
That's how they lose all that money, though,
trying to take care of a fucking body. Yeah.
Man, look, bro. I don't understand it. You just
be like, oh, we're going. I got to give $10 ,000
to you every, you know. Day or whatever, you
know, or spending on them. Having hotels and
shit, you got to pay for 40 fucking people. You
know how much money that is? That's a lot, man.
That's a fucking crazy -ass amount of money.
And you just do it because you don't feel comfortable
with yourself to be around. You know what I mean?
And then you try to get them to file their W
-2s and they won't do it. And it's just a tax
mess. I think about Snoop Dogg's blunt roller
filing his W -2. Yeah. What do you think that...
What are his hours? Oh, well, he doesn't work
hourly. He works salary. I think it was like
last time I heard it was like $30 ,000 to $40
,000, something like that. It's really not. It's
not that lucrative. No, it's not. But if you
get to stay with him and live on his property,
then it's good. That is fine. Like if you have
your own little house or whatever in the back.
Good insurance. Dog house. 401K. That'd be fine.
Yeah. True. And you don't pay that much, but
you got the house and he provides you food. So,
you know, you get to stay on his property. Yeah.
Like a sharecropper. Yeah. I guess so. That's
what the whites were. Yeah. And now look at everybody.
Now he's got a white dude rolling the blunt for
him. Exactly. Well, he would never. He's not
white. There's no way he's white. He's white.
Maybe dark Mexican. Could be. He's in Cali. Yeah.
Mm -hmm. That's why I remember I asked you to
send me that video. Because we were at my boy's
house, he's Mexican, and they were like, can
Mexicans say nigga? And I was like, well, yeah,
but you can't stop them. They say it more than
anybody else. And, you know, they're going through
a hard time right now. You can let them have
it. Dude, something funny happened. When you
asked me to send you that video, I couldn't find
it. They deleted it off Instagram. So I had to
get it from YouTube. And when I looked up to
find the video, I didn't realize that since my
TV, Uses my YouTube account when you would go
on YouTube on the TV to like search for something
like oh It's the first thing that pops up. It
says killing in words Bush Bush Bush because
he's George Bush in the video George Bush will
you go to? When he says, Dick, what were we doing
at the ranch? He's talking about Dick Cheney.
So what is this called? Tell JJ. Verbatim. What
I looked up, and you know, you can do as you
wish. Killing. Killing. And then the N word.
The N word. Plural. Plural? Plural. With a capital
or no capital? Not capital. You're going to say
niggas, Brandon. Nah. Oh, you know what? Not
the N -word. Brandon, you're black. You can type
it. Yes, I can. All right, so what happens then?
Bush. What happens now? All right. Looks like
that's a playlist on Spotify. Dude, why 21 Savage?
Let's look on images. This ain't any better.
Just go out, go to my message, go to JJ. All
right, hold up. Don't show this part. Oh, don't
worry. I'm back. Oh, you added the in there.
Killing the... That was the mission title of
Killing Osama Bin Laden. Oh, right here? Double
click on it. Oh, yeah, that's it. Double click
on the bottle. Oh, okay. There we go. Fuck do
I care about some memo about some dude trying
to hijack some shit? I don't give a fuck. I had
other shit to do that day. I had to live. A nigga
was at his ranch that day, and you know how it
goes at the ranch. Laid back. Ass dick. Yo, dick,
tell me what you was doing that day at the ranch.
Robbing niggas. Ain't that right? Cheney is real.
He don't give a fuck. Yo, Romance! He said, robbing
niggas. Love that, dude. That's perfect timing.
The way he pushes up off the back of the building.
The way he looks at the camera. It's so, like,
diva Jake Muncy -esque. I love it, dude. It was
so funny. Dude, that reminds me. I was at the
hotel in Nashville, and there was tornadoes going
on on a Wednesday night, and they had this big
conference there for some imaging company. And,
dude, the nerdiest looking white dude of all
time. I'm standing at the desk because I got
put on the premium room this week. So we get
free snacks. They put peanut M &Ms and a Kit
Kat in the room. Get the fuck out of here. But
they didn't stock it that day. So I absolutely
had a word with the front desk person and said,
dude. I need my snacks. And so he left to go
get the snacks. And I'm standing there on my
phone. And the nerdiest looking white dude of
all time. He looks like McLovin, but like redheaded
albino. Oh, no. Oh, that's bad. He just came
up to me. He said, you look like you need to
get some hoes tonight. The fuck? Yeah, he came
up to me, and he was, like, trying to get me
to go out drinking with him and his friends.
Uh -huh. So it was, like, him. He was a real
skinny white dude, and then just, like, an obese
black guy. Like, that was the crew. That's a
tight crew. That's a crew I want to be around.
They wanted me to go out, and I was like, no.
No, dude. And he just worked there. He was just
trying. He was like, you know. No, he was there
for the conference. And they do the free drinks
from 5 to 6 .30. Okay. Shout out, Embassy Suites.
Yeah, shout out. He was fucked up, man. Damn.
And he came up and was just like, we need to
go get some hoes tonight, man. Hey, he probably
had a good time. That sounds like a good crew.
Yeah. A fat black guy in a skinny fucking albino
redhead. Dude, they're getting into some mischief.
No, I mean, yeah. Nothing good. Legal. No, nothing
legal. Nothing legal. But, you know, you'll feel
safe. I'm not saying— You can hide behind—like,
if somebody starts shooting, how big was he?
You could, like—he could take some bullets. He
could take some for you. Yeah. Like, just think,
if we were to shoot out and we had Pat there,
it's only right that we get behind him and use
him as a shield. This guy was built a lot sturdier
than Pat. And that's better because the muscles
slow the bullet down faster. Well, he—yeah, he
just seemed more put together physically. Was
he? Like, he kind of looked like Baymax from
Big Hero 6. I'll show you a picture. That's the
white thing, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
know what that is. That's the black thing. Yeah,
he was built like that. Oh, okay. So I feel like
if he inhaled, he could deflect the initial bullet.
And then after that, he would start, you know,
taking them in. But I think that is the rule
of survival. If you have somebody like that,
that's their role. So when we're playing D &D,
when we're doing this here with Mark and playing
D &D, we have to have a person for each role,
right? Yes. So in real life, it's like that too.
Human shield? A human shield is what he is. Okay,
I have a question. Fat guy, fat girl, who do
you use? Well, you use him first. Fat guy. Yeah.
And then once he goes down, then you do him naturally.
Yeah. Naturally, you go behind. What's the chain?
What's the chain of command? For just shields?
Because if you're talking about just shields,
if we had Alex as a shield, we're going to shoot
right over him. You know what I'm saying? We're
all getting hit, too. You know what I mean? But
in the natural progression, it would probably
go like fat, and then you got tall. Tall is probably
next. So it goes fattest, and then once that
ends, it goes tallest. But if you have, like,
a five -foot fat dude or a fat person, that doesn't
help you either. Yeah, unless there's, like,
a short doorway or something. You plug them in
there and then escape. Stuff them. Yeah, that
is true. But what about, like, just, like, who
do we ascend to go attack the intruder, the assailant?
Okay, so you got waves. The first wave, you're
going to have to send in the... Dirty whites.
I feel like dirty whites have to be front line.
Yeah, whoever is bucking up, you know how they
do that little shuffle when they get excited
and they go up and do that? So they can take
the blunt force. And then you want to send your
skilled fighters or people who are able to disable
people, you want to send them in second. And
if they get past them, it's probably over for
everybody. Where does Brandon go in the draft?
Brandon. No, man. I'm just thinking. I don't
know. Maybe reconnaissance. We send him to scope
it out. He's the messenger like in 300. You know
what I mean? You go up there and you offer the
piece. He plays the triangle? Yeah. Bring back
Flashback. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was a sensitive
subject. I shouldn't have gone there. Play the
saxophone instead. Hell yeah, I played the saxophone.
You did? Me too. Until it broke. What broke?
The reed or the whole saxophone? Let's see what
happened. Well, I don't know. It was a button
that messed up. And they're like, okay, man,
you can't play the saxophone. So then I had to
go to the trombone. So they're saying you messed
up the button. Yeah, maybe because I bought it
at a pawn shop. So I was just like playing good
for a little bit or not. And then they were like,
okay, we're taking that away from you. It's messed
up. Yeah, and this wasn't your instrument. Yeah,
which sucks because that was my dream instrument.
So then I went to the trombone, you know, the
small little tuba. And then after that, what
else did I do? The baritone. No, I did the baritone.
I never did the trombone. That's Dante right
there. I did the baritone, and then they put
me on the triangle, and then after that happened,
they're like, okay, we're going to put them on
something like the bass drum or maybe the snare.
I wanted to play the quads. See, I was thinking
they were taking you down and less importance
of the band, but then they put you on the bass
drum and the spare. Yeah, yeah. That's important.
I wanted the quads, though, those quads, man.
I wanted the quads so bad. To play four of them?
Dude, yeah. Man, that was like the life of the
party right there. Can you do it? Now? Yeah,
I couldn't at the time. I wasn't even able to
do the parades, man. I would just be walking
with them. Tell me if you think this is good.
Like we put an ad out, right, for like a real
ad saying we want any either first generation
or second generation Italians to come try out
this. this Michelin chef's dishes. He wants you
to try them out. And then they come in, we get
like a little building and everything, have the
table set up, and then it's Brandon in a chef
suit comes out. And he doesn't address it at
all, and he just cooks spaghetti for them. I
think that would be great. Right? We should do
that. And we get to sign waivers and everything
saying that they're going to be on the show.
But I don't want it to be a good chef costume.
I want it to be exactly that we're on the same
page. I want it to be the Pilbury Doze Boys hat.
Yes. Say that again. The Pillsbury. Pillsbury.
Yeah. Would you do it? Hell yeah. And then you
can never say that you're not Italian. And then
this is the way that you, so you make sure you
let them know. Tell them you're Sicilian. Yeah.
Oh my. Yes. Sicilian. Let's hear your Italian
accent. Italian accent. You got to talk like
this the whole time. The whole episode? No, I
mean, you're going to be literally in there cooking
for them. I'll just come in there and be like,
let me think of something. What type of Italian?
Spaghetti. Spaghetti? All right, we're here with
the spaghetti. That was actually good. I'm liking
it. How you doing, everybody? How you doing?
Hey, bon appetit. We're going to get over here
with the spaghetti. You guys want to make some
spaghetti? I'm going to hook you up right here.
You know, hey, if you can't cook it right, shit's
going to go sideways, if you know what I mean.
And I'm not saying that somebody's going to end
up sleeping with some fishes, but they might.
And I'm going to teach you how to do that shit.
Now I'm going to get my pascuzi out. When I pull
out the pascuzi, we're going to get the old gang
in here and we're going to get it going good,
man. Because I'm going to want you guys to cook
so good it's going to be like ravioli. Isn't
that right, Don? You know, he's like the Don.
JJ. I'll let you say it. Yeah. JJ. Yes. Let's
see what I put. You'd be like the dude that,
you ever seen, what was that movie called? Godfather?
You remember the strong brother? The strong black
guy? No, no, no. The one that was like... You
remember the one that was driving the Lincoln
Continental and then he got out of the car and
then they had that big scene where they shot
up the Lincoln Continental? Yeah. I'll be that
guy. I'll be that guy. I'll be like, hey, if
shit goes down, you're going to have to deal
with him. That guy's going to die. He's going
to put you out there. Hell yeah, dude. I'll do
it. Gladly. I was thinking like... Italy Italian.
I didn't know we were going straight to mob.
I was thinking Italy Italian, too, because they're
the ones who usually cook. But the mob cook,
too. I mean, good fellas. Yeah. And you make
sure you tell them that this is the only way
the real Italians make, you know, whatever dishes
you're making. And there's no other way to do
it. It's just this way is the authentic way.
Okay. Yeah. I pull out, like, Chef Broardy. Oh,
see. See, you're on the right track. I'd be like,
heat it up, put it in the microwave for five
minutes, and then you're cooking. Any questions?
What would be the dish that you make? The dish?
I guess chicken parmesan. Chicken parm? Yeah.
Okay. And you got to bread the chicken and all
that? Mm -hmm. Marinated overnight. We just sleep
over and wait. I'm just kidding. They're like,
is it ready yet? No, this is how it goes. Hey,
gal. We just hanging out. Making cannolis. Brandon,
you got fans, man. I do, yeah. And some dudes
that love me a little too much, I guess. What
do you mean by that? I don't know. There's one
guy. I'm not going to put his name out there.
Say his name. You know, he's watching right now.
And it's like I found out he's been texting me
for like a year. A bunch of crazy stuff. Can
you give us a little example of what he's texting
you? Like one thing, it was like I'll be watching
over you at night. And it was like some demon
type thing saying I'll protect you and all that
stuff. And it says like a bunch of pictures without
a shirt. guns and stuff like that and then I
like took a picture of me and my wife and he's
like you like hey man good you got the fat girl
say the Asian one for me and put like a Asian
girl like a really big forehead I saw that I
didn't understand that. I didn't either. I just
laughed it off. That's all you can do. And I
thought this was one of the... He was saying
the black trope about black guys and big white
girls. That's what he was saying to you. So what
is that in the military? No, that's just... He
said the military. So that's why I thought...
Because that's probably the first time he was
around black people, is my guess. So he's just
like, oh, it's true. Damn. I thought he was friends
with y 'all. But that's a wild thing to message
someone that you don't know. You really don't
know at all. Yeah, at all. After like six months
of no responses. Oh, nice, you posted this picture.
I'm going to say terrible things about you and
your family. Yeah. But hey, we have the best
fans in the world. Yeah, we do. We do. Dude,
we do. He cares enough to. Send stuff. What's
up, man? Shirtless bitches? Yeah. I'm going to
watch you sleep. I think we've seen that in there.
And then the one thing where it's like, just
cook you and make you fuck dudes. That's a funny
video. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, that was just
a joke video. I like that video. It was funny.
Yeah, that was funny. That was just a joke. Yeah,
that was a good video. We were joshing. Yeah,
the video where the guy's like... cookie makes
you want to fuck dudes and then he eats it looking
at the camera. And after a guy sends you six,
seven months worth of shirtless gym pictures,
that's normal. It sets off no alarms. None. Not
at all. I don't know. I don't know, man. It's
like being at a crossroad with no end to it.
You're just confused. I think he would leave
you confused if you hung out with him. Yeah,
man. If I come back home, who knows? All I'm
going to say is at a point, people's sympathy
will run out. What do you mean? Unrelated. We
love you, Brandon. We just want you to make good
decisions for yourself. Oh, yeah, I made good
decisions. And you've been grinding, dude. Oh,
yeah, I've been grinding. That's good. Just don't
let this man take away what you've built. That's
why I'm like, yeah, we keep our distance, man.
But you weren't responding to him. No, I stayed
back. Yeah, you just let him send whatever he
likes. That's on him. Yeah, because, I mean,
what's the harm in that? I'm not doing anything.
You're just letting him have his fun. Just living
in America, man. Hey, I hear that. A lot of stuff
going on. Anybody watching out there, if you
don't know us and you want to send any news to
Brandon, I want you to go ahead and do that.
Right. Because he appreciates it. Please. Send
it straight to his Instagram, wherever you want
to follow him. What's your Instagram, Brandon?
BrandonJW123, but I mean, I'm not going to. Is
there an underscore in there? No underscore.
It's just straight up. Okay, Brandon. I'm not
going to respond. No, but your look and your,
you know, your respect. Give them another rubric.
Yeah, that's all right. We would really like
that. Yeah. Do you think you'd be good at rating
people's nudes? Like if we on our Patreon, you
rated our audience's nudes? Well, this is wild.
I guess. You give them on a one to ten scale.
And you have to be honest and you just write
their nudes. I feel like we could all do that.
I think it's more for you. Everybody has to have
their own brain. You have more anatomical knowledge.
You know about anatomy. We don't know as much
as you because you've been studying it. Yes,
I have. I found out that... Like, there's a scale.
Like, your arms are, like, a low percentage.
Your body is 18. And, you know, I got upset because
I found out you're junk. It's just 1 % of importance.
And your body. And I'm like, that's kind of crazy.
In what way? Well, like, getting fucked up. Like,
if something happened. Like, getting hurt. That's
1%. damage to you. Oh, but what if you cut it
off? I mean, that's a lot, that's a big order
right there. I'm pretty sure you don't last long
after that. Yeah, I feel, yeah, that's why I
was kind of, because I'm like, that's very important.
Like, I mean, mentally and stuff, who knows what's
going to happen to the person after that's gone.
But that's a very big part of your life. Yeah,
there's a whole book about it. Yes, there is.
Imagine living without that. Yeah. That's why
the soldier had to wear this Kevlar underwear
because, you know, when the V -bits, the shit
would blow them up. and they would live, but
it would fuck up the junk and blow it off. You
don't recover from getting your shit blown off.
That's Ernest Hemingway's book. What? The Sun
Also Rises. That whole book is about a soldier
who got injured in World War I, and he couldn't
be with the woman he loved because he couldn't
have sex with her. There's a whole book about
that. What ended up happening? Spoiler alert.
Well, Ernest, nothing really crazy. She just,
they don't get together, and he's sad about it.
No, okay. Or he, like, comes to terms with it.
Greatest writer of the 20th century, I think.
20th century, yeah, 1920s. That's 20th century.
Just say it with more confidence. Yeah, yeah.
Isn't that what happened to Hitler, though? Didn't
he lose a testicle? That's a rumor. I don't know
if it's true. We tried to look it up. It's not
clear -cut, but it might have been just inside
of him. Yeah. And that's why he did all this.
But he couldn't have kids, I don't think. No.
Yeah, that's probably why he hated the Gs. Yeah.
Maybe he had a Jewish doctor. Dude, maybe. You
never know. You never know. You never know these
things. You never know who his doctor was. Vengeance.
That's all you can think about these days. But
that is crazy. I mean, that's kind of, was that
the world knowing that he was going to do that?
So they were like, we'll take one of your balls.
The world? Yeah, because you remember how he
lost a testicle on the field. Maybe the earth
or the world knew that he was going to cause
havoc there. Like, well, we're not going to let
you continue on with this generation. You think
that's a fair trade? Is that a fair trade? One
ball for like 12 years of brutal oppression?
Six million, you know. Is it one ball worth six
million of oppression? A race? I wonder how many...
Wait, so you're talking about how many eggs...
Depends on your sperm count. That's true. What
do you think your sperm count is, Brandon? I
bet your shit's fertile as fuck. Parts per million?
We should probably check that out. I'm scared
of no mine. How do we check that? We should get
our testosterone levels and sperm count, and
then we should guess each other's. And I guarantee
you mine's so low, both. Damn. Both of them,
yeah. I haven't got a strong erection in 13 years.
Ooh. Man, I'm sorry. It's like one of those fat
Twizzlers. Damn, man. Same texture? They have
the stuff inside of them. Let's see a picture.
They can be sturdy if they're stale. If you leave
it out. Expose the air. You talking about that
right there, the orange cream? It would be the
orange cream one. No, those are still the rounds.
I had like four of them together. Oh, excellent.
It might be those twist fields. Yeah, that's
it. You got the field twist. You got the field
twist going on? No, never mind. See, I thought
they looked different. I'm talking about a big
licorice. Or like that. See, there we go. Oh,
my God. See, that's in a hardened state. Oh,
dude, that looks... I hate the... If that was
a penis, I would hate it. Y 'all ever ate one?
Not that. I'm talking about this chocolate. The
gummy pop? Yes, the gummy pop. I've never had
one of those. I've had about two boxes. Is it
like a gummy bear? There's Brandon trying it.
Oh, shit. What are you talking about? Right there?
That's the greatest thing ever. Oh, shit. That's
a thumbnail. Oh, my God. That does look like
you bred it unironically. Jesus. The same hairline
in everything, dog. I mean, to the T. Will you
look at the camera? Let me see your hairline.
We're going to put that next to that. Yeah, you
don't have to move them. It's like the blade
hairline. It's good, though, man, if you ever
wanted to try one of these, man. Now, what are
they? Basically, just like a frozen gummy. Oh,
it don't have no ice cream in it? No, I mean,
it tastes like it, but it's just basically a
frozen gummy bear. It's like a popsicle. I know
it's a weird explanation. It is actually very
good, man. It's like a bomb pop. So when you
bite into it, it's chewy? Yes, a little bit.
It's chewy and frozen at the same time. I don't
know how I feel about it. I've never had anything
like that. Trust me, it's good, man. You're starting
to feel something. Do you like that? You don't
like that? I don't like how that looks. I know,
it looks weird. I just don't like how fucking
shiny it is. Oh, that's what you're worried about?
Yeah, I thought it was some foods that shine
too much. Oh, okay. Apple, clean apples? I can't
eat a clean apple. It has to be a dirty apple.
Okay. So you couldn't eat that new candy? They
make some candy that's going to glow up in the
dark. I might be able to eat that. Let me show
you a picture. Oh, my God. Glow -in -the -dark
candy? There's no way that's good for you. That's
horrible. I know. They say it's going to be right
here. It's probably good for you. Oh, look. Somebody
got an actual picture. There is no fucking way
you can eat that. That does look cool, though.
I know, but how long are you going to last with
it? Oh, dude. Glowing Red 40? Oh, it's on sale
at Kroger's right now. I wanna... Brandon, dude,
you cannot be eating this shit, dude. I'm not,
dude. I never ate this. I saw this online yesterday.
Dude, imagine if you ate this and then got an
x -ray. Imagine taking a deuce after that. I
don't know. I feel like this would combine with
something. Ooh, we should do the experiments.
Does it make you shit? Mythbusters? Yeah, dude.
Shitbusters? And you just turn off the lights
and then don't flush or use toilet paper. You
shut off the lights to see if it doesn't glow.
I just imagine Charlie in the sewer. He sees
like a glowing turd float by and he's like, oh.
I'm making a joke about that. Make you start
believing in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and
shit. Facts, dude. That's where it went for me,
dude. I can't believe it. In what way? What do
you mean? What way of what? Does it make you
believe in it? Because, I mean, if you see something
glowing in the sewers, you're going to think
something supernatural is in there. So you'd
be like, what the fuck? Oh, my gosh, the turtles
are real. Because the Ninja Turtles were notorious
for glowing. Well, yeah, they were shining. Yeah?
They were shining. They glow up in people's lives.
Like, I saw a video yesterday. This girl was
obsessed with, like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
She bought all the, like, suits and stuff. And
her parents were like... Like, she stayed with
her parents and stuff. And they were like, man,
we're glad she got a job at a pizza place. Now
she can buy her own stuff. So she, like, bought
her own suits and all she eats is pizza. And,
like, put stuff on it. Like, whatever. Like,
to make her nutrition good, she'll put, like,
extra stuff on there. Like, candy or, like. That
doesn't. I don't agree with it. She might be
dead now because that was in 2002. 2002? That's
when she was doing it. Where do you see this
at? Man, I saw it on YouTube. Oh, okay. So it's
something that recently just popped up again?
Yeah, my algorithm. I was like, how old were
you in 2002? One? I was swimming. Oh, yeah. Jesus
fucking Christ. I was swimming, man. I was sperm.
That hurts me to hear. It was just crazy to me
how he was like, to balance out her diet, she
put candy on the pizza. I know I should put anything
on top of there to make it look like she eats
other stuff. Yeah, but, like, that's not helping
your taste in the slightest. That's making everything
sometimes way worse. She's crazy. Her parents
paying for it all with stuff. She's just staying
in that basement eating a pizza. I mean, if you
were a normal person, how fucking disappointed
would you be if your kid was a Ninja Turtle fanatic?
Like, to that point where that's all you do with
your life. Yeah. Like, if you're trying to make
camp in a sewer and fucking. Eating pizza all
the time. You got a pet rat that you listen to?
It's like a Twitch streamer right now. Actually,
I would probably watch. I have never watched
a stream in my life, and I would watch that.
Me too. If you lived in a sewer, I would watch
it. Yeah? Wouldn't be able to watch it. Authentically,
though. Don't be going to the Hampton Inn at
night after you get done streaming. I want to
see you there for 24 fucking hours a day. I'll
check in. Have you seen the urban camping videos?
Ooh, dude. Hold on. Ooh, dude. I know what you're
talking about. Camping with Steve. Yeah. Camping
with Steve. Urban camping. He camps in cities
and, like, weird places. When you say urban.
Just city. Not black. Sometimes black. Okay.
If the title has extreme, then there's blacks.
That's crazy. He carries bear spray for any predator
on two legs or four. Yeah, he's a beast, dude.
He should be imprisoned, but it's fine. Does
he, like, spray people with this shit? It's just
in case. He never encounters threats. Really?
Dude, you're not going to fuck with this guy.
Kind of like Jon Hamm a little bit. Shout out
Steve Wallace, dude. This guy is the shit. Don't
he like Jon Hamm? Kind of. Who? Jon Hamm? Mm
-hmm. A little bit. Something you would know.
Mad Men. Mad Men. I've been watching this guy
since 10K subs. He ain't going to know that shit.
Alex said he's been a follow since 10K subs.
He's like 2 million now. It's crazy. It's insane.
Oh, him. Oh, that. Now, you know, I hate, I can
never remember fucking names. But Jet Tatum was
with the guy. I was with Al Cook. Shout out Al
Cook. Al Cook's the only guy to be able to bump
a whole people from going to. I was really hoping
he was going to get on Kill Tony. And I just
knew it was going to be him. Yeah. But, yeah,
he said he wasn't making any money out there
on the street because Al Cook is a comedian in
Birmingham and he plays the guitar. and he was
out there he's like he makes about 20 a night
in birmingham he didn't make any money in nashville
because busking but yeah yeah he was like but
i was i was thinking i was like maybe it's because
it's oversaturated here you know what i mean
because like you're going to see them at every
stop if you came here and start playing you probably
make good money because i never see any body
there's a guy in my area who plays the violin
from dude i've seen it which is very interesting
one you don't see that every no you don't Violin
is, dude, that shit, you ever heard Crystallized
by some white woman? But it's badass. No words
at all. Check it out. Yeah, I know that one.
It's a great song, dude. Yeah, it sounded really
good when you did it. I mean, it's pretty much,
you know, how it sounds. I would love to be able
to play the violin, but I don't think there's
any skill. I've been really insecure about my
whiteness lately. I'm not the upper. Put an applause
for that. There you go, man. Thanks, guys. But
I'm not the, when people look at me, when I look
at myself in the mirror, I know that when other
people see me, it's like I'm not the white that,
like, I'm not the top tier white guy. Oh, no.
Oh, God, no. Oh, no, you're at the, yeah, you
grew up around where I, yeah, yeah. You're the
poor white. Would I go places? People notice.
You know what I mean? I meet people for the first
time. I see, like, right when they look over
for a split second, then their eyes kind of change
a little bit. And I'm like, oh, okay. They know
what's up. It's inescapable. I feel like for
a while I was on the cusp. Like, I had the path
to choose. And then I just wasn't, you know.
Yeah. But, like, you could be great. Morgan Wallen
was like, you know, he's the same kind of white
as you. Yeah, dude, but he's not. doing the greatest
i mean like yes he's successful his career you
know but like he's spazzing he's throwing chairs
off the bars and i mean he's having a good time
is what i'm hearing he's calling people the n
-word it does it a lot and uh he walked off setting
in live you see that yeah what was that about
he said he was going back to god's country i
love how people like people like let's go back
to god country and you're hitting you hit women
throwing This is what God would have wanted.
Racial slurs, drunk, tear off the balcony. But
I do see, I guarantee, like, New York and L .A.
and these type of places, for somebody who's
from the South, it's such a shock to you. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, there's over here
a gay four in a Caton. It's just right in front
of us. Yeah. I guarantee that's what most of
it is. It's definitely. Anytime they're talking
about that, they're talking about gay. And it's
like one line. You know, it's only one line in
the Bible. Oh, you know about the Bible, don't
you? Oh, dude, I know all about the Bible. I
don't get why they harp on that one. But they
say you also can't eat shrimp, but who's not
at fucking hibachi getting shrimp thrown in their
mouth? Not me, dude. Yeah, you're not. Not me.
You did. I'm a Christian. He's a Christian. We'll
see, dude. God -fearing man. God -fearing? You
never heard that phrase? No, man. I'm like getting
back in there. I'm about to go. You never heard
the phrase God -fearing man? No, man. What's
that? It's just a... A person who fears God.
Like, I'm a God -fearing, so I want to do right.
Yeah, like a reverence. Yeah. Okay. So, cool.
Okay. All right. But you don't fear him. No,
man. I'm like, hey, he's here. And I'm very happy
for him to be here. Yeah. So you don't fear him.
You just... Yeah, man. I'm there. And I'm glad
he's here. And thank you for this world. Yeah.
Yep. I'll tell you, I'm finna start going back
to church. We're gonna learn about this. You
can come with me and my grandma. Yeah, you know
what I mean? Did you go to that? Well, no, it's
because she's gone. Let's go. Beast, dude. What
church you go to, man? Let's go down there. Church
in Huntsville. It's probably close to your house,
actually. Really? I'm thinking about it, yeah.
Okay. Well, we're all down there, man. We'll
check it out. Are there any? Oh, yeah. Oh, there
is? That's a good amount. I mean, you know. Good
amount. Makes you feel comfortable. What are
we talking about? Two families? Three? Five.
Well, if you put them together, probably two.
Oh, okay. I was playing. I don't know. I shouldn't
have said that. That's good. That's good. There's
diversity. There is. Yeah. So you won't feel
out of place. No. No, dude. They're going to
love you. They're going to love you, dude. They're
not going to be surprised, right? No, dude. You
could probably be a deacon next week. You look
like a deacon. I can see you being. You grow
that mustache a little bit thicker, dog. Yeah,
so deacons. You kind of look like Milchick. Milchick?
You kind of look like Milchick from Severance.
Milchick. I can see you being like Preacher Lawson's
brother. Yeah. Deacon Lawson. Deacon Lawson.
Holy shit. Right? All right, man, that's cool
as hell. That could be your papa, right? That
was what you were wearing to the barbecue. I
mean, he's from Detroit. Wait, for real? Mm -hmm.
Dude, he kind of does look like that. Yeah. That's
wild. But he is gay, so he probably not. Is that
Diddy in the fourth picture? The one right here?
Yeah. No, that's him. It kind of looks like him.
Yeah, it does look like Diddy. He's like here
on the bottom. You can't even see a chin. Dude,
I was at a Mexican restaurant the other night,
and it was the Warriors playing the Lakers, I
think. Okay. I can't remember who it was, but
it was definitely the Warriors because they put
the, no, it was the Nuggets, I think. And it
was the starting lineups. Draymond Green is so
fucking black, dude. In the lineup photo, it
was jarring. It was such a contrast, like the
all -white Nuggets. Look at him right there.
That's the photo. That's the photo, dude. That's
the photo from this year, I'm pretty sure, because
he looks just, that's insane. And they tried
right there. The saturation is at 100. That's
crazy, dude. Yeah, man. That's your favorite
team right there? No. I like the Grizzlies. He's
a Memphis bang, bang, bang. What about you? What
team do you like? Bulls, man. We suck, yeah.
But we got Giddy. Yeah, he didn't do nothing
wrong. We got Giddy. They hit that game winner
on LeBron. Did you see that? Yeah. That was crazy.
I mean, he's good, and he didn't do anything
wrong, right? I mean, he was proven innocent
in the court of law. That's all that matters.
Yeah. That's all that matters. And now he's going
to fucking... make a kajillion dollars, and hopefully
bring us at least a playoff win. Goddamn, we
can't do shit. The Bulls, they fucking, I remember
when they signed Thaddeus Young to like $120
million. What the fuck are we doing? Damn, man.
That was like when the Heat gave Hassan Whiteside
all that money. Yeah. And he just fell off the
face of the earth. That playoff run, he was blocking
the shit out of people, though. Yeah. He was
throwing people shit left to right. Have you
ever seen his Snapchat stories, like his old
Snapchats? They're like on par with Josh Allen's
old tweets. They're so funny, dude. What was
Josh Allen saying? He was saying, talk about
driving naked. Okay, yeah. There was one that
was like, I like little boys something. Brennan.
Nope. No. No. It's about the same age. Oh, no.
He was a kid, too, when he posted that. Yeah.
He was a kid. What year? This was like 2013.
2013? I was 10 years old. Yeah, so that's prime
for you. Damn, yeah, man. I felt old those years.
I'll tell you that, though. You felt old when
you were 10? Oh, man, dude. Yes. Is that the
oldest you ever felt? No, I felt... The oldest
I feel right now, honestly, man. I feel like
I've aged... 30 damn years already. Yeah. I'm
like, damn. He's right. He's right. He's 100
% right. I remember the other day, I was like...
At the Cards Against Men, they said I was talking
to Travis. I was like, damn, man, I'm 22. I'm
getting old. Everybody back there was so mad.
They're like, dude, we in our 30s, bro. What
are you talking about? And I was like, damn,
they get mad. I tell this to people in their
80s. I be like, man, I'm getting old, bro. They're
like, on life support. I'm like, getting old,
man. We getting up there. Like, man, I fucking
hate you. He's up there on life support. They
just fucking hate me. Well, you are. Yeah. Yeah,
I am. Growing man, doing growing man things.
Yeah, 22. Mm -hmm. It's bad. And I'm going to
be in my 30s. One day. Basically dead. Basically
fucking dead. And 40s, oh shit. 50s, oh man,
what are we going to do then? What are you? What
do you think you're going to be doing in your
50s? Man, hopefully I'm retired. Hopefully I'm
retired and living life. At 50? Maybe 56, 58.
Probably. I hope. Yeah. Man, I hope. When do
you think you're going to draw Social Security?
At what age? Social Security? What is that? You
can do it at like, well, it's like a supplemental
income check you get for being old. Really? You're
paying it right now. It comes out of your paycheck.
Oh, shit. When can you take it out? What do you
think? What, like 50? It's 56? 65, right? Yeah,
there it is. It's that one, okay. You can do
it at 62, 65, or 67, or 68, or something. And
you get it for just a little bit longer? You
get more money if you wait longer. If you wait,
yeah. I feel like I'm going to be crippled at
65, so we need to hurry this up. Do you have
an affliction right now that would make you think
you're going to be good? No, no, I just do a
lot of stuff. Like, any moment, if something
could hit the sidewalk. You know what I mean?
Like when you raise Dom. Huh? What if you were
crippled from that moment on? That would have
been a horrible way to... Yeah, man, what happened
to you? Oh, man, I tried to race and I acted
like we were in a wrestling match and flinched
and then hit the ground and I hit my head wrong.
And now I can't even say my name right. What's
your name? You're going to say all that. No,
no, I probably... No, I'd have a translator.
It'd probably be something much different. You
know what I mean? A translator? I don't think
anybody understands that. I'd be back there making
different noises. Dude, how cool. Have you ever
seen that, like, the Australian guy who was playing
soccer? Somebody kicked him in the head and he
woke up speaking Chinese? No. What if Brandon
did that? Dude, if he spoke Chinese, dude, we're
going over there making a gajillion dollars.
Speed is doing that right now. I show Speed is
over there in China making crazy money. And he's
doing good propaganda for them. Oh, dude. And
that's what you want. And he was dancing with
that robot. Man. Shit. That's just, that's what
people want to see. And he recreated that Karate
Kid scene. Then they tried to get him KFC, and
when he opened it, it was just a banana. Yeah,
that is... That really happened? They passed
it to him through the window, and he opened it
in his car. And he was so mad, too. Are you fucking...
The people in Sweden or Norway or something,
like, ripped his hair out and sold it. I've seen
that. I've seen that when they got a dread out
of there, yeah. People in other countries wild
the fuck out. They don't give a fuck. Like, I
almost moved to Korea. I almost did. No, not
Korea, my bad. Was it Korea? No, it was Japan.
Oh, it was because, like, my dad back in the
day, he was like, he had a job opportunity and
never went through. But they were like, I remember
I was going, my mom was like, she was like, you'll
finally be able to fit in, son. You'll be tall.
I was like, oh, for real? Because you remember
I didn't fit in back in those days. Yeah, you
would fit in great in Japan. Nobody was, like,
seamless transition. You know, I tried to learn
Korean. What'd you get? Huh? I don't know. I
got on Duolingo. Yeah, let's go a little bit.
No, I don't remember. I don't remember anything.
None of it? No. What do you think it would be?
French. What's assiable? That means like toilet,
sit down, right? Assiable? That's what you learned.
Yeah, that's all I learned. Was that the first
thing you looked up? Yeah. Yeah. That's a good
question. The baños. I know that one. What's
baños? What's that? That's bathroom in Spanish.
Oh, wow, man. Or toilet. Banos? I'm going to
fucking Mexico in like a month. They might not
let you back in. That's the way things are going
right now, dude. Dude, if I lost my fucking passport
over there, it's over with. Nobody's going to
fucking believe me. I am like six foot tall.
And I might not be able to vouch for you. I might
not be able to vouch for you. If I saw you in
a lineup. Well, that kind of looks like him.
Shit. I don't even think they let me do it. Wait
till one of them burps. Then we can know. Yeah,
man. Spanish, too. I tried to. I was in Spanish
class. What'd you get? Oh, man, I failed, bro,
because she thought I knew it already. And then,
like, you would always say just speak Spanish.
You looked Dominican. Is that what you said?
I don't know. She just speaks Spanish. Were you
wearing the pants? Tight pants? Yeah, I was,
man, at that time. Yeah. And she was just, like,
she would speak it and then be like, so what?
You do a sentence. And I'd be like. I don't know.
I failed. She was mad at me. She didn't like
me. Just because I didn't know. We should do
that skit. What? Where you're trying to get back
into the country. Oh, yeah. And you're in like
a lineup. And it would be like, I'm going to
ask you guys a question only Dom would know.
How many calories are in three Uncrustables?
If they hesitated at all, I'd be like, not them,
dude. We got to get Mexicans who don't look anything
like me at all. Are you saying, and I'm like,
dude, it's me. Or like Argentinians, like messy,
who are just white, like look white. I don't
know. And I'm like standing right next to Dom.
The funniest thing is like Kat might not know.
Hey, Pat might not know for real. What? If we
put you in a lineup of Mexicans. You know, John,
my boy, he's Puerto Rican. Yeah. And he was over
here talking, and Pat was talking, and Pat was
like, goddamn Puerto Ricans, they get deported.
And then I was like, you know, I'm like, he's
Puerto Rican, and, you know, they're American
citizens. He's like, why the fuck Trump trying
to deport them? And I was like, he's not. He's
deporting Mexicans. And then he was like, same
thing. I was like, no. And he legit. and probably
still right now, had no idea that Puerto Rican
and Mexicans were different. Wow, man. Did you
know that, Brandon? Oh, yes, definitely. Yeah,
so you knew. A million percent. Right in front
of a Puerto Rican to say that to is wild. That's
crazy as hell. I always knew I liked Pat. He's
got the world figured out. He's doing a lot of
good things right now. He's doing a lot of good
things right now with his new job. Yeah. I don't
know if we can say it, but he's taking care of
underprivileged youth. It's like X -Men, man.
Just put it like that. Actually, he is just like
X -Man. X -Man in that school. Pat would be the
blob. You said what? Pat would be the blob. The
X -Man, the blob. Oh, man, yeah. He just, I mean,
your heart is halfway there now. Yeah. Brandon
would be Professor X because he was talking about
being crippled earlier. Yeah. That's what will
cripple you. And he's older, too, so. Yeah, he's
old. And you're always the oldest. You always
feel the oldest. Right now, right? Like, dude,
I always click with old people. Like, that gym,
man, other than y 'all, the only people I hang
out with or talk to at that gym is people over
60. I believe that. I do, too. Because I know
I can see the people you're talking about. Do
you go in the shower room whenever they're in
there? Because people over 60 do not wear towels
in the gym. You know what's crazy? That's how
we meet in the locker room, man. I was watching
you over there. You doing good? How the hell?
Yeah, man. We're cool, man. Why he's in the nude?
Well, no, thankfully he had on, like, pants.
Okay, so they're never in the nude when you're
talking to them? They're old dudes, man. I've
been to a gym before. I've only seen one person
in the nude, and I don't have to worry about
that because there's a couple, there's other
guys right there next to them, so that's good.
You know what I mean, right? Uh -uh. Like, uh...
Like, he goes in there, and it's like he's nude,
so I don't have to worry about that because he's
already taken. Oh. Because the other person's
right there nude, too. His lover? Yes. Or spouse?
Yes. Are they having gay sex at the gym? Yeah,
how do you know? Well, because I take a shower
in the gym, so. And you had sex with somebody?
No, no. No, it's like when I come out, they're
already done, so I'm like, oh, okay. They showered
together. Oh, I don't know, man. I just come
in when they're done. I'm switching gyms. I just
come in and I'm like, oh, they're already done.
That's good. What do you mean done? Done with
the showers. Now they're just naked in the locker
room. Are they older? No, man. They're like in
their 30s. I mean, I guess old. Brandon, why
are you waiting outside the bathroom? I'm waiting
for the gays to finish showering. No, man. I
just come in. It's weird. It's like the time
is just perfect because I come in there and everybody's
already done. So that's just when I come in.
There's no obligation to just wait and be like,
man, I ain't going in there. No, I just go in
there. They're done. And that's the only one
you saw nude. Yeah, everybody else brings their
underwear in there like I do. Because I go in
there and put my underwear in there and when
I'm done, I just put that in and come out like
that. I'm not just going to walk around fatale.
Everybody in there talk about life. Usually it's
older than 30s. I mean, it's usually about like
60s when they start. You would think, but they
strap up too, man. I've never had a conversation
with them and their junk was up. And I appreciate
that. That's good. That's a good old man. Yeah,
man. And we just talk about life and games. What
kind of games? Oh, just boxing and stuff. Because
he likes boxing, so we just talk about boxing.
What do you think about that, JJ? I never heard
of boxing as a game, but I do like that. Yeah,
man. I've never once talked to any of the old
people at the gym, man. Really? That's because
they talked to me, so I'd just be like, hell
yeah, man, and then we became cool. Yeah, they
never talked to me. Going back to not being one
of the good whites, they'd rather talk to Brandon
than me. It's just fucked up. It's not a roast
on you, it's a roast on me. Yeah, they're cool.
The only time I reached out to somebody, I saw
a police officer changing, and I was just asking
advice. I've seen that guy. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah,
I remember I just pulled him over. He's a good
dude, man. You pulled him over? What the fuck?
Hold on. Go ahead. So I just walk in the locker
room. He's there. I'm like, oh, hey, man. I just
need some advice on workout skills and stuff.
I'm trying to get up in there. Brandon walks
in. He's like, oh, what kind of gun is this?
I feel like I'd get shot if I did that. What
kind of what? Stop. You without a doubt would
get shot. Exactly. Into the clip on you. Yeah,
I'm just getting ready to take a shower. But
he talks to you now, right? Oh, yeah. He'll let
you twirl that gun around your finger. In the
locker room? Without a doubt. If you tell him,
hey, can I hold your gun? He will, without a
doubt, let you hold his gun. And that's what's
up, man. That's good. Probably wouldn't even
unload it. Shit, man. Ask him next time. You
want to do it with me? Can I do a routine inspection
on your service weapon? Yeah. And then he's going
to pull down his pants. And once you're at that
point, Brandon. You just got to run out that
way. Go for the gun. That's when you go for the
gun. Yeah. I'd be like, this is not right, man.
I didn't want this. Damn. Sometimes you get what
you don't want. Yeah, man. You're exactly right.
That right? Locker rooms are crazy, man. I'll
tell you where to stay away from right now, dude.
Huh? Where you need to stay away from right now
are track and field competitions. Why, what's
that? Have you not seen that thing where that
guy stabbed that other guy? What? Oh, yeah, I've
seen that. And then there was the one where the
girl was running and hit the other girl with
the baton on the back of the head and fractured
her skull. Dude, what the fuck is going on at
the track meets, man? What, like schools and
stuff? Yeah. Why'd they kill the... They said
he tried to make her move his seat or something.
Well, I've seen two different... Oh, is that
Hassan Whiteside? Nice. I've seen two different
sides of it. The guy, his name is Carmelo Anthony,
not the basketball player who just made the Hall
of Fame. High schooler named Carmelo Anthony.
And he stabbed this guy and people, he killed
him. They're real upset about it. But then they're
also saying those two guys were trying to jump
him because it was a dude, The dude he stabbed
had a twin brother, and they were, like, known
bullies and stuff. And they were trying to—they
were saying that they were trying to jump this
guy, and he stabbed him out of self -defense.
But I don't know. So it's up in the air whether
it's self -defense or not. I think most people
are like, he needs to go to jail because— Oh,
yeah, he still can't stab. Even if they were
bullies, you can't stab. But I don't know. I
don't know, you know. Mainstream media, dude,
you can't trust it. Can't trust it anymore. This
might have been an AI -generated thing. Where
you get the truth from is Truth Social. And if
you can look that up, we can probably get the
truth there. Is that a website or an app? I think
it's an app. Okay, never mind. I only have Truth
Social and Blue Sky. Hold on. Go back one. Hold
up. Where was you just at? Right here. I thought
it said Niggerdale or something. Oh, my God.
Is that not what it said? Wait, right here? What
the fuck? Am I tripping? In the woodpile. What
is in the woodpile? You know, the guy. You see
what I'm saying? I knew I wasn't... There's some
propaganda right here. This is some sort of political
cartoon, I feel like. Go to that list. What does
that say, Brandon? What, right here? No, the
one you were just on. Right here? Yeah. It says
die, niggas die, but with the E -R. It look like
Cam Patterson a little bit. I saw that, dude.
In a white t -shirt. I swear to God, it looks
chill. I thought that was Youngboy. I thought
that was an album cover. I was like, this is
fucked up. Who's that guy in the top right? I
want to know more about him. Right here? The
right. Oh, him. Young Buck? No. No, not Young
Buck. Not that guy. Oh, you're talking about,
oh, shit, I came from nothing, Young Buck. Yeah,
that is you. I like that song. I never heard
that. I like the name of that song. That's fun.
No. I don't know why this was up. Maybe it was
something. Yeah, because I remember we were talking
about that Bush thing. Oh, yeah, the Bush video.
This is what popped up. Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Because I see a list right there. Let's see what
that list is right by the G. Right here? Nope.
The list right next to it. Oh, you're talking
about right here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh -huh.
I can't remember. N -words in the White House?
Things at the White House. Brandon, you... Yeah,
I can... Look at... It said niggas in the White
House. That's not what it says. I know it says
the, uh... Errs in the White House. Yeah, okay,
say errs. Errs in the White House. Yeah. Things
at the White House. Looking nightly. This is
blurry as shit. Is this a song? I don't know
what's happening. Brandon, please click on this
Wikipedia page, dude. Yeah. This is a song. This
is wild as hell. Oh, my God. Oh, it's real. Oh,
shit, it's a poem. Oh, it's a poem. It says,
look at the White House. And you have to read
it home, Brandon, before we start. Read this
whole poem, but you have to read it word for
word because it takes away from it if you don't.
So let's go. Okay, this is wild as hell. All
right, things at the White House. Nope. It does
say things. It does say things. Dom can't read.
I know, I can't see the lights. We've already
seen the title. Things at the White House. Looking
mighty curious. Niggas. This is wild as hell.
Running everything. White people furious. Why'd
they have to say that? Nick Gers. On the front
porch. This is fucking wild. There's so many
of them, bruh. I gotta start saying errs, bruh.
I'm sorry. Okay, okay. Errs on the front porch.
Errs on the gravel. No, gable. Errs in the dining
room. Errs at the table. Errs in the sitting
room. Blinking all the talk. Urz in the ballroom
doing cakewalk. Urz in the east room making a
mighty throng. Urz in the music room singing...
Coon songs. Urz in the hallway taking off their
wraps. Urz in the billboard room shooting game
off craps. It's got some bars, huh? Mm -hmm.
What the fuck is that? Sati? I can't see for
real. Satiety? I just can't see it. We're just
going to say society. Errs in the blues room,
a symbol for society. Errs in the front yard,
errs in the back. Errs in a bus. This must be
some 19th century stuff. Errs coming back. Oh,
they go to Washington with a mighty rush. 40
,000 errs getting in the bush. Push. There is...
There is trouble in the White House. More than
you can tell. Errs. Wait, no, that's not even
that. Yelling like wild men. Wow. Errs raising
bells. I see a way to settle it just as clear
as water. Let Mr. Booker Washington marry Teddy's
daughter. Or if this does not overflow Teddy
cup of joy, then let Miss Diana Washington marry
Teddy's boy. But everything settled. Roosevelt
is dead. Er's in the White House. Cut off Teddy's
head. This is a diss in the 1900s, man. Hey,
let's go, gang. He said, fuck Teddy's wife, girl,
come on, daughter. I don't know which one it
was. So this has been happening since the beginning
of time. This looks like my Twitter right now.
Yeah, this was the beginning of time. Who wrote
this? Was Rudyard Kipling who the fuck wrote
this? Dude, who wrote this? I don't know. Okay,
so this guy. Oh, let's go back. This is a whole
state. That's a city. Dude, what? I want to see
who wrote this. On so many levels. You got to
go. Benjamin. Oh, my gosh. Look at this guy,
man. He can't even see the whole world. Oh, my
God. Lazy out ass. He got one eye. He trying
to write shit. His ear hole is so big, dude.
It looks like he has a vagina on the side of
his head. He going to try to talk about black
people. He ain't even made it right. That nigga
made it wrong. Still wouldn't knock his ass out.
Nose kind of big, too. I ain't going to say what
it is. I don't know what that is, too. He's a
druid. He's a conniving eunuch. I know. Was he
born like that? Let's see. Oh, he's a white supremacist,
too. No. Dude, no fucking way. Dude, he said
he defended Lincoln. He defended who? He defended
Lincoln. He led a paramilitary group. That's
what I thought he said, Lincoln. He's just racist
as hell. Bag of beef. It's always people that's
built like this. You know what I'm saying? Look
at him. Don't stop trying to say supremacy when
you're the worst of them. You know what I mean?
Yeah, man. He just heard that he can't see. Even
I'm above this guy. Oh, God, yeah. JJ is so much
above this guy. Look at him. Look at that. I'm
on par with that guy. He's inbred. That's Megamind.
What the hell? Even through the beard, you can
see the underbite. You're right. It's a long
beard. It's a long beard. You can still see the
underbite and the narrow eyes. Oh, shit. Yeah,
this dude. Look at that. His one eye. Oh, that's
him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. At the right. At the Hamburg
right. And they took a lot of liberty. They drew
him very slim. Yeah. He did not look slim in
that photo. Bigger than this table. Bigger, dude.
Exactly, man. That was with a B. Holy shit. I
will look like that eventually. It's not a bad
look, though. That's fire. That's probably going
to bring that back. When do you think you start
balding? Soon. Soon? Soon. It's going to go.
What about you? That's kind of what I look like
right now. When do you think you're going to
start balding? Never. No, I'm already balled
in in the back. But luckily, it's not the hairline
ball. The camera's right here. You can't see
it. Until that 4S from right hits the top. Until
we get the drone camera from Ace. Yeah, always.
Oh, my God. Ace texted me some crazy shit. I
was in Nashville, and it was a joke. But it didn't
make sense to me. We might be able to pull it
up, burn it, go to my message, and try to find
Ace Prater. He said, Dom, at 7 p .m., I'm going
to blow up the AT &T building. Let's see. Scroll
down until you see it. It's a weird setup. Okay.
It's just latitude, longitude. Or just type it
in. There it is. Okay. What, right here? Huh?
This one? You want me to read it? Yeah. The irony
is thick as office size today, man. I'm over
here in a 300 -pounder, be party planning committee
chairwoman and dictate the loop for some type
of upcoming walk -a -thon. What does that mean?
You can minimize that now and make sure you blur
out the rest. But I don't know. He's saying that
it's ironic that they hired an obese woman to
play in the walk -a -thon. Oh, okay. What walk
-a -thon? Probably his company's doing it. Like
a fundraiser, you know? God, you speak white.
Yeah, I didn't understand that in the slightest.
You never had the Boosterthon fun run when you
were a kid in school? You never had that? I never
performed. It was fire, dude. They would give
you at the beginning of the day. like a gildan
t -shirt that would give you a rash and like
on the back of it it had uh like one through
30 and you would run a lap in this thing and
then you would get somebody to mark on your shirt
mark off the one and then you do as many laps
as you can in like a certain amount of time oh
and then you donate like charity yeah i did that
back in the day the only time i did track and
like what elementary school is when they made
you like do that track thing where you had to
run four laps I'd be like the last one. Just
like running around? The 100 meter? No, no, like,
I remember we were, because like in PE, they'd
be like, you gotta run around the lap four times.
Probably a mile. So what track then? It was PE?
Oh, no, PE class. Oh, okay. I used to be like
the last one. Yeah. So you were running the mile,
though, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. The four times
around. Yeah. That's when I kicked that dude
in the nuts, man. Mid -run? Oh, yeah, because
he kept kicking me in my butt, so I turned around,
like. Boom. Damn. That's when you were like that
football pitcher fat? Oh, fatter. Fat. A little
bit fatter than that, man. That was before I
did any athletic sports. That was like fourth
grade. Fourth or third grade. Yep. Kicked him
right there, man. He fell in the bushes. They
cried. They let me go because they like his brand
and so he's okay. I didn't get in any trouble.
He got in trouble. Yeah. Because they're like,
you provoked him. Yeah, because your class has
never gotten in trouble. I'm telling you, these
motherfuckers could do anything in the lunchroom.
They could yell, throw shit. Yeah. Yeah, y 'all
never got in trouble. Man, this dude deep -throated
banana in front of everybody, and we were supposed
to be cool with that. You wanted to take a stand.
He said, not in my lunchroom. Get your fruitcake
ass out of here. Not like that. We're just going
to let this guy defile. We're sitting here breaking
bread. This motherfucker's deep -throating the
banana. Get him out. Hey, look. Look at this.
I just sit there and have to be like, this is
wild as hell, man. That's fun. I don't even care
at all. Brandon being homophobic. No, no. It's
so funny. I'm not homophobic at all. It's not
your fault. You don't even know it. Oh, no, this
is not good. No, you're not really homophobic.
Oh, thank God, man. Because you love gay people.
Yeah, man. And it's good. Yes, it is good. Yeah.
Yes, it is good. Hope you know that, whoever
you are. Yeah. But it is built into you. I remember
I told you, I mean, I guess you can technically
call it homophobic, but I didn't know it was
called that. But if it was like, you know what
I'm saying, you grew up around us. If you grew
up around black people, it's not. Damn sure it
wasn't accepted whenever I was growing up. Even
if somebody, like, we had gay people, but they
wouldn't even say that they were gay. I think
you guys just got to the don't ask, don't tell
policy. Yeah, I believe that's right where it's
at right now. And that's a step. Yeah. That's
a step. Yeah. Oh, for sure. You can't ask for
it all at once, you know? Thanks, Tom. Then it's
going to be like, you know what? They can't get
married. In about 10 years, you get to that point.
What I think is funny is a lot of the... I don't
want to spread false information, but I probably
will. A lot of Asian countries, I feel like they're
very homophobic, but then they also have prominent
gay things in their culture. Like ladyboys and
stuff. Yeah, but that's the... What kind of Asians
are they? That's Thailand. Where's Thailand at?
Southeast Asia? Yeah, Southeast Asians. The Philippines.
They'd probably kill you if you were gay. Really?
They would not kill, but they would not be happy
about it. Don't they have the gay prostitutes?
That's what I'm saying. But they would kill them
then, right? They gotta be cool with it. They
probably have a high mortality rate. I'll go
out on a limb and say that. But it's like the
Spanish culture is that, like, I forgot the term,
but it's a dude who's so masculine, he has to
fuck other dudes dressed as women. Yeah. Because
they're so masculine. But then if you call them
gay, they'll fucking kill you because you're
like, I'm not gay. That's my woman. I made him
a woman. That's like William Dafoe in Saints
Row. No, what's that? Boondock Saints. Oh, yeah.
Boondock Saints, yeah. What's that like? Wait,
are you talking about like the Booty Warrior
and Saints? No, no. Boondock Saints is a movie.
Oh, I thought you were talking about Boondock.
The Booty Warrior? My bad. I thought you were
talking about the Boondock. Randy Defoe wasn't
in prison. What fucking regional wrestling company
is the Booty Warrior? No, that's from the Boondock.
You remember that dude that came out of prison?
That's a real person. If you farted in prison,
that meant that it's more of a loser. I have
them grease it up, so if they got the grease
under their nails, that means that. That's a
real person. Yeah, like I saw a video last week.
He's married to a woman. Have you ever seen the
video with a guy talking about, he's like, when
you beat somebody up in prison, you got to spit
in their ass. That was probably now. Because
then they have to do the rape kit. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. That's crazy. You been watching him now,
though? He's been talking a lot on Instagram.
Yeah, the booty war he's at. He told me about
what it means when you fart in prison. He told
you? Well, not me, but I watched it. Did you
ask him in the chat? I would. He helped me realize
if we ever go, don't fart, man, because that's
how they know your ass is open. And ready for
business. So what if you got to fart? You just
got to hold it. You got to go to the bathroom
and hope that they don't hear it. You just got
to full -blown shit on the floor? Dude, I would
be the gayest motherfucker in the world because
I fart so much. Me too. I fart on the way here.
Yeah. What if you found out... And I was inspired
because I went into the bathroom earlier and
there was two different open containers of hemorrhoid
cream on the counter. What if you figured out
that... anal sex was the only cure to your hemorrhoids.
Nah, bro. Stick with them hemorrhoids. You wouldn't
do it? Because it's just, it doesn't make sense.
Too much traction. Instant relief. Huh? Instant
relief. I've been doing what I do. What if it
continues to progress? Yeah. Would you be open
in the future? No. There's surgeries for it and
such. We'd need to have Brandon. I know Brandon
would leave the podcast. No, no. Wait, what?
He would make an apology video. Hey, speaking
of the hemorrhoid cream, right? So, you know,
when you're staying at somebody's house. I went
to Nashville this weekend for the Kill Tony thing.
I'm staying at my boy Gonzo's house. And I told
you back, I was brushing my teeth. And then I
started brushing, and I was like, this doesn't
taste minty. It doesn't have a mint flavor to
it. And I was brushing my teeth with hemorrhoid
cream. Maybe if it goes the other way, it'll
help. Maybe, like, that'll help. You'll attack
it from another angle. It might be it. They go
into panic mode. They get flanked, and they're
like, oh, shit, dude. We never had this. Did
you see that Jack Black skit that I sent you
saying it might help? No, I haven't. I haven't.
Because he had one where he was, like, doing
it was on Saturday Night Live last Saturday where
he did one with, like. hemorrhoid cream, but
it was instead of, like, being normal, Flamin'
Hot with the Flamin' Hot Cheeto, man. Oh, dude,
that would hurt so bad. And he was like, you
put it on there, instead of it, like, making
it go down slowly, it just explodes, and then
he had to go to the hospital. Yeah, that's probably
what would happen. Yeah. I couldn't imagine.
It's so uncomfortable on long rides, dude. Yeah.
I have to, like, sit up. Do you spread your cheeks?
No. Do you, like, clench them? I do a clench.
I do a kind of a put your foot out. Lift up the
pressure. When I shit my pants while I'm driving,
that's what I do. Exactly. It's going to be that
same. So it doesn't stink up the seat. Well,
yeah. You only have to learn that lesson one
time. Wow. That shit doesn't come out, does it?
That stink. It took a lot. Took a while. Osium,
various other chemicals. Fabuloso, actually.
I saw that on a Reddit thread, and I was like,
hmm. That guy shit himself too many times to
figure that out. Got a scholar. Yeah, shit scholar.
Hell yeah, shit happens. Shit happens. That's
it, boys. Hate Scrappy -Doo.