this week on clown college in the empty hat i
said last the next time i come up here i'm gonna
have a gift for everybody um so i mean the I
will show my, and I've had, I visualized me doing
it, putting my balls into the camera. And in
my dreams, it was this one. But if it has to
be. No, no. We need a wide shot. The first episode
is about dreams. Yeah. Let's make it come true.
Let's fulfill your dreams. It's just for Bryce
and fucking. Yeah. We have to wet this up. Yeah,
man. Welcome to Clown College. We have profound
knowledge in many ways to elevate and make your
sound polished. So if you want to hear a little
honest, a few takes on a way to make it as a
comic, then stick around for a while. If you're
down to clown, we've got a guest right now just
to show you how. Let's all go to Clown College,
baby. It's with Brandon, Taylor, Scott, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby. It's with
Brandon Willis, Don and JJ. off with? Not the
tail in the ass, though. Which tail would you
start off with? Just the tail that you tie around
and normal, man. Nothing goes in my ass. Would
you do tail and ears? Are we getting a combo?
Yeah. I mean, if you go all in, might as well
go all the way. You might as well. What's the
next step after that? Shoes, you think? Oh, yeah,
the shoes. Oh, I believe. Then you graduate high
school. When do you stop showering? Hmm? When
do you stop taking showers? Wait, they don't
shower? I feel like that's a gradual process,
like, as you acclimate into this culture. I think
the headpiece should be the crowning achievement.
I feel like that's the last step. That's when
you fully go. It's Brandon's birthday. We got
you a little something. Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Brandon.
Happy birthday to you. Yeah. Happy birthday,
man. You guys better finish that. All right?
Hell yeah. He's going to be asleep before the
episode. Thank you for the cheesecake. Look at
that. I got a cheesecake. Yeah, yeah. Eat that
cake. You like that one? Hell yeah. I love cheesecake.
Eat that cake. Eat that cake. Eat that cake.
There it is. So good. Hell yeah. Nice, man. Anybody
want some? No, that's all. You want some? I'm
okay. It's a birthday cake in there, too. For
everybody. No, for sure. Happy birthday, Brandon.
Thank you, man. What a time. Do you feel older?
Yes, I do. I do feel old. I was a little heartbroken,
man. I saw George Foreman died out with my favorite
boxers. Yeah, at the end. Then John Cena broke
up with me. How did that happen? Yeah, and on
Raw, he said he was breaking up with everybody.
You know, he turned heel. He turned heel? Yeah.
What was that? Why did he do that? Why did he
do that? Well, I don't know why he did that.
They should have done that 10 years ago. I feel
like that was kind of a dick move to leave us
and turn to a bitch. Whoa. It's okay. It's all
right. It's all right. Yeah, because, like, I've
been hearing about this, Brandon. People are,
like, upset about John Cena turning heel. Oh,
yeah. I don't know what, like, I know what a
heel is. I know what, like, he's, like, the bad
guy now. He's never did it before, though. Yeah.
Yeah. So the whole time, he's been in, like,
30 years, something, 20, I don't know, a long
time. You know what? We might as well say 30
years. Yeah, he can't see me. My time is now.
Yeah, he never was. Yeah. But I was at a store,
an outlet. a fat, what's some shoes called for
fat people? Hey dudes. So I was at the hey dude
outlet and they got comfortable shoes. And then
the woman there was like, yeah, John Cena turned
heel. Nobody was talking about wrestling. Nobody.
And she talked to me and Scott about, yeah, she
could wrestle. She was of that stature. She could
throw somebody around. I can guarantee you that.
So, J -Win, do you know what happened? No. Is
The Undertaker involved? I don't know. He was
last year, but this year it was like he was out
there. He was in the Elimination Chamber, and
he won because of, you know. John Cena or The
Undertaker? John Cena. John Cena, he's not in
here yet. He might show up at WrestleMania. But
what happened was like. Seth Rollins helped him
out. Knocked out CM Punk. Busted his head on
that thing. What's that thing called on Elimination
Chamber? The ground. And as soon as he busted
his head on the ground. I'm sorry. You're good,
man. You're good. No, it's always called the
ground. It's not just Elimination Chamber, Brandon.
Busted his head on the ground. Once he won, the
Rock came, like, Cody Rhodes came out. I was
like, yeah, man, so we getting ready to fight
for this championship. And he was hugging him.
He's like, hell yeah, man, we're going to do
this stuff. Hell yeah, man. We got this. This
is pretty fake. And then the Rock came in there,
and the Rock was like, oh, hey, man, how about
you come over here and join my side, Cody Rhodes.
And Cody Rhodes was like, man, fuck you. And
what pissed me off was Travis Scott was there
with him. And he had nothing. Because why? Yeah,
he had nothing to do with it, right? Yeah. Yeah,
so then he's like, nah, fuck you. man, I'm with
the people. And then John Cena went haywire.
Dude, I don't know if The Rock snapped his fingers
or what, but he started whooping his ass horribly.
Beating him with the microphone, the championship
belt, everything. And then The Rock, they were
holding him down and Travis Scott smacked him
in the ear and fucked up everything because he
really busted his ears down. He killed everybody,
but yeah, he smacked him in the head and busted
his ears down for real. And then The Rock pulled
out a belt and started whooping Cody Rhodes with
his belt and kept being like, huh? Huh? You like
that? Boom, just kept beating him. And then,
like, his dad's death was on there, too. You
know, Dusty Rhodes, rest in peace. Old common
boogeyman. And, yeah, they just beat the fuck
out of him. He said his dad, what did you say
he did to Dusty? Yeah, you remember Dusty Rhodes?
Yeah, no, what did he do to him? Oh, he wrote
his death on the belt that he was whooping his
ass with and then took his blood and rubbed it
on it. What? This was on WWE? That sounds like
a ritual, yeah. Yeah, man. Well, they do eat
children, all of them. Hey, you can talk about
it. Now everybody's doing jokes saying that John
Cena's like, fuck kids and fuck Make -A -Wish.
Because he's turning heel. He's really doing
it. No, he's turning heel. He's going all the
way. He's like, fuck them kids. Yeah, because
this is what he always really felt. Yeah. And
now he's coming out there and they say he broke
up with all of us. You know what? Fuck it, man.
We all broke up with his ass anyways. Oh, so
y 'all all feel this way. Yes. Yeah. Isn't that
what's supposed to happen? I'll tell you what.
When you said you all, I was wondering what group
you were in. It's a brand name. Yeah. But, dude,
I mean, it would have been fine if he did it
10 years ago, but why are you doing it when you're
about to leave, man? Like, you're about to walk
out. He said his time is now. Like, he walks
around with a shirt saying his time is now. Because
that's how he really felt. This whole time he
was with the Make -A -Wish kids. Why hide it?
Standing with them until they die. He didn't
want to do that shit. Damn. What's his move?
Attitude adjustment. That's what he wanted to
give them. Yeah, the attitude adjustment. And
then, what is it? The STF? Yeah. The STF? He
should have put a U with the STF. The five knuckle
shuffle. Five knuckle shuffle. I didn't know
for the longest time that I was talking about
jerking off. What? The five knuckle shuffle.
Really? Who says that, though? John Cena. Oh,
wow. He did that when he turned heel, or has
he just been saying that all the time? I think
that's been at the beginning of his career when
he was still majoring in economics. Oh, shit.
I was doing that move, too. That was his whole
thing at the beginning. Economics? No, yeah.
Oh, yeah, when he was basically setting out rap
and roasting people. We all do that. Who hasn't?
Exactly, man. We all do that. Whether it's the
furries or whether it's the whatever, normal
people are. Exactly. Anti -make -a -wish. Pro
-masturbation. Nothing wrong with that. There's
nothing wrong with that. With both of those?
Wait, no, no, the first part's bad, but you said
pro -masturbation. Yeah. Oh, wait, my bad. That's
not bad, though. Okay. That bad? It's good. Thank
you, man. I think that's a good thing. What's
your stance on Make -A -Wish? Make -A -Wish?
Yeah. It's good. How was your experience? Oh,
man, dude, you know, that was actually a fear
of mine as a child. I was scared of getting on
there. And I was just glad when I graduated that
I didn't because I was like, that'd be crazy
if I was like, everybody was like, Brandon. Did
you get on what? Make -A -Wish? Yeah, like when
I was a kid, I was worried. I was like, damn,
man. Did you have an ailment? No. No, but I get
what he's saying. I just didn't want to get cancer
as a kid. Like, I was like, man, let me at least
get old. Oh, you're saying so you won't. I mean,
if the Make -A -Wish people pull up, it's not
a good sign. It's not a good sign. It's like,
oh, fuck, whatever. Yeah. So what would y 'all
do? For Make -A -Wish? Yeah, if you were on it.
Oh, when I was a kid, I would be able to go see
Brad Farr or get behind the scenes of the Packers
for sure. Ooh. Yeah. You? I would wish for something
exuberant to test what this wish is really. Because,
like, I don't want to meet. There's nobody that
I want to meet. I want, like, a million dollars.
Okay. A million dollars? That's actually smart.
Pay for it. I want a scientist. I don't know.
They can't do that for you. What are y 'all doing?
Don't play with me. Come on. I want Kanye, bro.
And I want him to bring one of his new shirts
and we both wear it. And we're photographed together
with the make -away sign. What does it care for
you? You're about to die. Might as well go out
on top. Or maybe like Sarah J. Hell yeah, man.
They have to approve it, I think. I think a Make
-A -Wish kid did wish to lose his virginity one
time. And they said no, right? No, I don't know
if it went through the org, but it ended up happening.
But how could you give a kid a grown woman? You
know what I mean? I mean, just, you know. There's
no way you could have just another kid. It's
like how you pay off a referee and look away.
Exactly. I was thinking it, and you said it.
That's what I was thinking. True. That is true.
Damn. I agree. My friend had cancer as a kid,
and he met. He did make a wish. He met Led Zeppelin
and Stephen Colbert. Holy shit. He got two wishes?
Yeah, he got two. Yeah, this little trickster.
Shout out William White. Hell yeah, William.
He did it right. Yeah. Brandon said he did it
right. He actually did. He did it the best because
he lived. Yeah, he made it. Did you say what
you would do? Oh, man, dude. I know that you
can say one, but, dude, I'm going to try. I'm
about to die. I'd be like, man, how about take
me to WrestleMania? Of course, lose my virginity,
too. As a kid, I didn't have nothing, so we'd
lose my virginity, go to the strip club. And
then after that, I'd be like, let's go see some
directing movies. Let me see some comedy shows.
Then let me go see a UFC fight. We'd have a full
course meal. It's the last holiday. Then you
give me that girl I lost my virginity to as a
child and then we just go look at the lights
on the mountains. That's the perfect day. And
I get the Nobel Peace Prize. For what? For being
alive. Being alive. I didn't know that was an
option. That's hard. There's not a lot of people
that can say that. It might not all work. I'm
about to die. Mother Teresa, Brandon. That's
probably the best wish I've ever heard. Nobel
Peace Prize? That's what's up. That's what's
up. Too late now. I didn't even think about that
as an option. I might change my answer. Jalen.
What's up? Welcome back, baby. Hey, what's up,
guys? I love y 'all. Where the fuck you been?
I've been in New Hampshire. I've been in Lincoln,
New Hampshire. What a place. Very white place.
Because it's snow. Because of all the snow. And
the people. It was very snowy, too. How many
others did you see? How many others did I see?
Just any kind of other. Any kind of other? I
was working at the Ice Castles, which is a very
big attraction of people. It attracts, attractor
of people. And I saw a lot of Indians. I was
talking to Alex about that. There was a whole
bunch of Indians that came from, they weren't
local. They weren't, they didn't live there.
People came from all over the world to see the
Ice Castle that I was working at. But yeah, I
saw black people. And it was always an occasion
whenever I saw a black person. They would always,
if I saw a black person, I'd be like, I'd be
holding the staff. I'd be the line leader, greeting
everybody as they come in. Whenever I saw a black
person, they'd be like, hold up. Hey, what's
up? Hey, okay. I'd be like, hey, how you doing?
Welcome to the Ice Council. How you doing? And
they'd be like, oh, I'm doing much better now
that I see they got one of us up here. All right.
It would always be something. So I saw black
people. Black people came. Of course, white people.
It was like you had New Hampshire people that
were local, but then you had, like, people from
Boston. And I just love, like, the accent in
Boston. Like, it sounds so silly. Can you do
it now? It's like the car. Look at the car, Lois.
People are named Lois. People are named Lois
up there. It's crazy. Yeah, like wild. Yeah,
fun accent. Very rude. People from Boston are
rude. I don't know if that's a large generalization
that I can just spell. But when I was working
at Ice Castle, it was Boss Mass Week. It was
like their vacation, their spring break or something
like that. Everybody came up to the Ice Castles.
It was like people were coming up there drunk.
Now I'm kind of just ranting. But no, New Hampshire's
cool as hell. The people are nice. I saw others.
There were races mixed in. But I don't know.
In the town, it was just white people. But at
the place where I was at, it was... Diverse.
You felt safe there. I felt safe. I felt safe,
yeah. See, Trump is doing his job. This is how
we can get all of America, all right? It was
a very mountainous region. I liked that. It was,
like, cool, wide expanse. You're out there in
nature. It's a pretty cool place. Do you do any
good hikes? No hikes. I was chilling, smoking
weed and shit. It was cool to look at the mountains
and shit around. I told you I got a boy up there.
He's a sheriff. But he's my boy, so he'll let
you off on anything. I don't say his name, but
whenever you go back, clean whistle. He owes
me. He shows me every time he beats a black.
So I have a lot of... I have a lot of footage
on my phone. All my shit be above the board,
dog. You don't got to worry about me, man. I'm
going to be good. I'm going to be cool. Just
get an olive leaf and a branch. Good to know.
Good to know. Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah, man.
You see any new animals? Any new animals? No,
Brandon. No new animals on this particular one.
I don't think they were. It was very cold. It
got in the negatives. So I don't know what would
be living in that region. Moose? No moose. There
are the signs for moose crosses. Maybe different
seasons or whatever. But yeah, in the winter,
nothing. I didn't see anything. My new favorite
animal lives in the snow. What is it? It's called
an ermine, I think. It's like a stoat, but it's
a regional stoat. What the fuck is that? It's
like a ferret. Oh, okay. A cold weather ferret?
Cold Arctic ferret. But smaller. That does remind
me, JJ, I do have a new animal. I found a white
marten. I don't know what that is. White marten?
A white marten. That's what they call it. Let
me save this real quick. You said a white marten?
A white marten. It probably looks like that.
It's probably like the same thing. That shit's
fire, dude. It's kind of like what I saw, but
the guy called it a white marten. Thanks for
saving that, Brandon. Hold on. Oh, it's already?
Fuck it, we'll replace it. Come on. Alright,
so you said a white Martin? It probably looks
the exact same. Maybe a little smaller. The fuck
a superhero? Hold on, man. That's white Martian.
You talking about this right here? It was something
like that, yeah. Here's a better one. Here's
a cuter one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like
the same thing. Yeah, probably, yeah. Nice. Yeah,
that's nice. Yeah, let's save that. Fuck yeah,
dude. If I was going to be a furry, that'd be
my fursona. You pull up in a furry place like
that. One of the stoats. Is that like the same
thing that you are? Yeah, you're basically just
like a long penis. Like a furry. Penis. Like
a puppy dog. Oh. Hell yeah. Same thing. I'll
save that too. Why not? Hell yeah. Okay. Brandon
is just looking up stuff over here. Is that a
clock? I don't even know what that is. Connect
the dots? But he's like, I'll save this. He's
talking to himself. I like how vague that one
is. No one else knows what's going on in this
room. I heard you went up to Canada, dude. I
went up to Canada, yeah. China of the West, they
call it. I went to Montreal. My motto was the,
well, never mind. No, it wasn't. The mop think,
but the... What? Never mind. No, I'm drunk. I'm
drunk and spouting nonsense, guys. I'm tripping
over myself. Yeah, Montreal is really cool. Shit,
hell yeah. Isn't that where Bret Hart's from?
Where who? Bret Hart. Bret Hart, sure. That's
a wrestler. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Sharp shooter.
You didn't go to Toronto at all? Not Toronto.
Do they have the same slang, though? No, it was
French. Montreal is very French. So it was people
talking French and I was being a menace in the
streets. I was just doing, I was like, this is
me in Montreal. Hell yeah, man. I was up there
doing, because I felt free to do that because
Canada doesn't feel like a real place. You go
up there, all the people don't feel real. It
feels like NPCs. You can do anything to them.
Please don't, but that's how I felt when I was
walking down the street. It just felt really,
like, safe. I felt safe. And, yeah. And I don't
know if that's, like, just an American arrogance.
But, like, I was walking through there. I was
like, these people can't do anything to me. Yeah,
it doesn't feel like a real place at all. Maybe
you should call the army, dude. Dude, maybe you
should be our 51st state. Yeah, that's what I'm
saying. You have to get Puerto Rico first. Puerto
Rico should be our... Brady, 51st step, 52nd.
I don't know. I kind of want Cuba back a little
bit, dude. I don't know what she was going on
down there. I do fuck with Cuba. Good cars. They
do? What kind of cars? Oh, man, I got the car
from the 50s. My favorite. Which one? The Chevy
Bel Air. The Bel Air? Yeah. Oh, that's a Cuban
car? Oh, well, yeah, now. They did that when
the Cuban Missile Crisis was going on. Man, let
me show you this. He's flexing that history mind
muscle. Look at that. You know what I'm saying?
Look at that. I'm up here hitting up J .J. That's
a good car. What'd you say? No, what'd you say?
I said, that's a good car. Oh, yeah, that's a
badass car. You see those around here on those
car shows? Yeah. What's that breakfast at? Cars
and Coffee. Yeah, Cars and Coffee. You ain't
ever been there? I haven't, yeah. Cars and Coffee,
okay. Old white guy. No, that looks like a classic
car. One of my dream cars, man. Hell yeah. I
could see you in that. Oh, yeah, Brandon. You're
going to get that one day. One day. You're going
to save somebody's life, and then they're going
to say, you can have my Bel Air that I know you
always wanted. And I'll be like, damn, man. I
didn't know you knew me like that, but thank
you. Where the keys at? They've been watching.
You saved his life, man. Yes, I have. I heard
you're going to be a firefighter. Yep, yep. Working
on EMS. Yeah, man. That's what's up. And then
I'm in truck twice. That's nice. Yeah, Brandon.
I'm in truck. Yeah. Yeah, we out here. Hell yeah,
man. Brandon, if I ever call the fire department,
you have to come, dude. Oh, dude, once a man,
I'll come. I will refuse service. Yeah. I'll
come for you once a man. What do you want them
to do once they get a fire, once they become
a fireman? I want you to stop a fire. I will.
Yeah. We'll stop that fire, man. You should do
those competitions on ESPN7. Oh, yeah. The ladders.
Yeah. They have the ones where they throw them
up in the window, they go up, they get the doll,
and they come back down. You should do that.
Do y 'all got to climb the rope? No, I haven't
heard about that yet. Did you get to slide down
the pole? Nah, because I haven't gotten to the
fire yet. I'm just in EMS right now. He's in
EMS and then he goes to the fire class. Yeah,
once they... start hiring i get to apply but
you can do the ems right off the bat oh yeah
yeah once you graduate i think they should have
like a fireman pole in every office setting any
work setting They should have that so when you're
ready to go, it adds something to it. Yeah, like
the Wiggles. That's your workplace. It's fun.
It's whimsical. I love the Wiggles when I was
a kid. Me too. They kind of threw me off guard
back then. I don't know. There was something
weird about them. Yeah, my grandparents always
said they were gay. I don't know. Let's go to
original. These are kind of new. This is what
y 'all talking about? This is a new Teletubbies
or some shit? You've never heard of the Wiggles?
Wiggles? I don't know what the fuck this is.
You never heard of, like, fruit salad, yummy,
yummy? That guy in the bottom is very scary looking,
bro. Start screen recording. Start screen recording.
Hold on. Huh? How have you never heard of the
Wiggles, dog? Dude. I would never. This is crazy.
Okay, that's fair. That's fair. I was just saying
that. But I watch Barney in the Teletubbies,
though. Really? But this seems worse than that.
Because they have faces. You know what I mean?
These are real. But they're British. No, they're
British. Oh, they're British? Yeah. Wait, how
old were you in 2003? They might be Australian.
Australian. I was like 14 or something. Oh, you
were 14? That makes sense. Australian was like
a jingle, right? Yeah. Prison what? Australia
was just a big jail one time. Oh, dude, yeah.
If you were bad, they'd be like, send them to
Australia. If you were in a lot of debt, they'd
send you over there just to rot. Not a bad place,
though. Who did? Us or the British? The British.
Well, you know, they had some questionable. Dude,
imagine if we got Australia. It's not that bad,
man. The whole continent. jail send them over
there but they sent them to like a paradise though
yeah like britain's weather fucking sucks it's
always like cloudy and rainy and cold they got
beaches and sea monsters and shit and then they
just went over there and became the most beautiful
people oh my gosh yes who the australians yeah
they're the most beautiful whites really between
them and like the scandinavian the sweets Yeah.
The Swedes are some fucking beautiful whites.
I think the Australians will be exciting whites.
Give it to Australia. The best thing Sweden ever
did was high -powered gin. What? You know what
I mean? They have those really high -powered
gin pouches. Of snus? Yeah. Snus. Oh, they pack
that shit up the nose, though. Yeah. They get
like a 50 milligram pouch. They get it just to
the dome. Like a 135 pound white woman named
Vanna just sitting there with two of them in.
That's almost more American than we are. As much
as it pains me to say. You can't scoff at it,
man. They're doing the Lord's work over there.
They don't believe. Who needs to believe, though?
You guys believe? You believe in the higher power?
Who do you think made that ice castle, dude?
I believe. Exactly. It was God. Yeah. Yeah. So,
with, like, the whole thing about the Ark, you
guys believe that shit? Mm -hmm. Noah's Ark.
Noah's Ark. Two of every animal. Didn't they
find it? They found a fucking big boat. You know
what I mean? Carbon dating. They carbon dated
it. You know what they didn't find? Any of the
transatlantic. Holy shit. Look, there it is.
I mean, if that's not evidence, I don't know
what is. That's not a big enough boat for two
of every fucking thing. That's when they went
extinct right there It is. Probably Noah made
the boat, and they wrote in the Bible it was
four of every animal because the ones that didn't
get on are no longer animals. So it had to be
four of every animal. They didn't have to get
any aquatic animals on there. Exactly. Or any
birds. Exactly. They're chilling. They're flying.
You don't think the birds would have fell out
the sky with all the rain and nothing to sit
on? Yeah. Well, they can just chill on the water,
right? Huh? On a boat? They can chill on the
water? No, they were on the boat, too. Surf a
little bit? Yeah. They were flying around on
the boat. Just one boat for all fucking birds
or whatever's fucking flying. Whatever's fucking
flying. They got mammals that fly, too, so. Name
a flying mammal. A bat, you bitch. Yeah, a bat.
Suck on it. I want you to fucking suck on it
right now. Suck it up. Bats, bitch. That's it.
That's bitch. That's justice. That's a shirt.
It's a nice looking boat. I can't argue with
that. It's sound knowledge. So from here on out,
everything I say is probably true. You don't
need to even look it up. Damn, man. That boat
looks good, though. It does. You know what it
looks like, man? What's that? I know what it
looks like. You know what it looks like. It looks
like something you rub. Caught a clit. Did you
say that's what a bat looks like? No, not the
bat. I'm talking about the boat, man. Oh, yeah.
But I was like, I was going under that and I
thought a bat kind of looked like a clit. Or
like a bat that looks like a vagina. Well, let's
find out. Let's find out. It does. It does. He's
right. Brandon's right on this. It does look
like a vagina. Doesn't that make you believe
it more? Come on, yeah, the top of the head.
I don't know about the back. Yeah, I don't either.
Jalen, you might be on your own. Come on. You've
never seen it? That right there? You guys have
never seen a vagina. You guys don't have sex.
That looks exactly like a vagina. Try to crawl
out one. Who sees one of those and is like, hmm.
I'm hungry. We know who. Damn. They started this.
That's why you were sick last week. That was
not COVID, dude. That was extended cold, bro.
We'll do it again. Oh my gosh. I just want to
say this has been burning. That's not what I
want to say. The last time I was here, I said
I was going to bring a gift. I have showed up
empty handed. I will show my balls into the camera.
What do I need to do to atone? What did he say?
He said, really? I will. I've had dreams about
it. I'll show my balls into the camera. I was
like, if I go up, here and then they asked me
on the pod and then if I don't have anything
because I was thinking about like what do I get
something but I ended up not doing it because
I didn't think that was gonna happen but now
I'm here I'm showed up in the empty hat I said
last the next time I come up here I'm gonna have
a gift for everybody so I mean the I will show
my, and I've had, I visualized me doing it, putting
my balls into the camera. And in my dreams, it
was this one. But if it has to be. No, no, no.
We need a wide shot. The first episode is about
dreams. Yeah. Let's fucking, let's fulfill your
dreams. It's just for Bryce and fucking Dan.
Who have to, who have to wet this up? Yeah, man,
I'll get out. Oh, Brandon's about to get in there.
Oh, Brandon in there. He did it, Bryce? He did
it? Did he do it? I'm sorry, man. Oh, my God.
That's when Alex bust out the first show. Oh,
my God. I saw Alex do it. Freaky ass. I've been
waiting for this. Oh, my God. Freaky ass. Jeez.
Does that work? Are y 'all happy? Y 'all got
my balls. Hold on. That's going to be very valuable.
I was going to ask that. I'm so excited we have
that. Yeah, me too, man. Yeah, I didn't know
you were going that way. That's what I thought
in my dreams, and I promise you. I did not see
you going that way. I promised that's what I
thought in my dreams. I promise you. Oh, my God.
I'm glad you fulfilled your dreams, man. I closed
my eyes. Brandon, you closed your eyes? I love
you. Yes, I did. I thought you were joking. I
like how that was also like halfway through the
episode. You gotta watch it. Hell yeah. Most
replayed on YouTube. Somebody making their screensaver,
that'd be crazy. He's already coming up with
ideas. When you first brought it up, there was
a flicker of real anger in Brandon. Shit's gay,
dude. I don't like it. I don't like it. Hey,
man, we're out here. Dude, that's your dream.
Go for it, man. You do what you want to do, man.
It's clown college. We goof. Show your balls,
man. The first anatomy class. And Bernie, you
said you were going to do that anyway once you
graduate. What? Show my balls? No. What? Looking
in my ass for my hemorrhoids. Oh, yeah, man,
I told you, spread them open. Look at your little,
yeah, you said, what was it right there, the
balls or the hemorrhoids? I didn't say the balls.
It's just the hemis. The balls. Is that what
you're saying, balls? Yeah, the balls. Yeah,
the balls and the hemorrhoids. Yeah, we'll see
what's going on. Not balls. Nah, man, you got
no issue with those. But he said right at graduation,
he'll just. That's what's up. Can you imagine
Brandon with, like, a welding mask on? Yeah.
He's shoddering. Got some gloves on and stuff.
Got a magnifying glass. It's like the cave that
Iron Man was in. He was making his suit. I'm
just like, yeah, you got hemorrhoids. Man, man.
You need to go see a doctor, man. Dude, my biggest
fear... For your anal health. Like Kim Jong -un,
you know how he doesn't have a butthole? Yeah.
Like what if your boils connect into one mass?
And it just completely plugs you up. Plugs me
up. You're going to have to get a colostomy bag.
Yeah, colostomy until they cut it open and sew
it back right. Damn right. Your breath is going
to steam. That was Zympic and the colostomy bag.
Dude, that makes your breath stink for real.
You just burp up. septic shit i think that's
what did the too i stopped taking this stuff
i think that's what it did it i'm convinced i
haven't had any uh thing to say that's what it
is or any doctor has said that but I believe
it. There you go. Elon said he wanted to give
the power back to the people to make their own
diagnosis. Come on now. Speak on it. If I die
because I'm retarded and think that, that's on
me. That's on you. That's the American fucking
way. That's American. Fucking doctor. Come on.
It's like 10 years of school. What the fuck do
they do? Exactly, dude. God damn it. The kid
in Texas that died of the measles, his parents
was like. We're still anti -vax. You don't need
it, bro. That's one out of fucking a billion.
Get the fuck out of here. You don't need it.
I love it. Don't vax your kids and let them,
for anything, even if we know it worked if people
have been vaxed and died in their 90s and 80s,
even if we know that works and it's not harmful
and they weren't autistic, don't do it. True.
Because the internet said. Come on now. Yeah.
That's what I'm going to listen to. You know,
there was some truth. I love what they're doing,
too. There's some truth in what you said, man.
It is. Because, like, I remember you said, like,
when people get colonoscopy bags, if they got,
like, that ass cancer or something else like
that, you know they got to sew the ass up and
stuff because there's no use for it anymore.
So they tie it up and just give you the bag.
Yes. Why do they tie it up? Well, because there's
no use for it. You know what I mean? That's just
open. You got to sew it up. So it's like, you
got to sew it up. Nothing there. Nothing could
come in and out of that thing, man. If you like
that type of play, it's over with for you. Yep.
I had to jiggle it back. I love you, man. You're
a master of your craft. The world sucks. Oh,
man. That was so good. Things are getting hard
out there, man. Oh, my gosh, yes. John Cena.
I mean, what the fuck is the world coming to
if John Cena turns heel? He did it for a reason.
The world sucks, man. He changed a jolly guy
like that, man. He's a product of his environment.
Speaks different languages, all that. Peacemaker.
Chinese, right? Can you say his Chinese apology?
Have you memorized that? Nah, man, I wish. Bing
chilling. Bing chilling. Right? That's all I
know. Bing chilling. That's all I know. Bing
chilling. He said it so many times. What does
that mean? Let's see what Bing chilling is. Bing
chilling is ice cream? Thank you, Alex. Arigato.
Bring us some ice cream and sober them up. Jalen,
what you got coming up? What do I have coming
up? Going to Alaska again. Jesus. You can't leave
that place alone. I can't leave that place alone.
This time, I'm going to be a supervisor. Kiss
the ring. Yeah. I'm getting paid salary. What?
Big boy. It's a big dog. Oh, I always get paid.
Yeah. I'm going back to Alaska, going there April
22nd. I got to be there April 22nd. You know,
come out and see me. I mean, there's no better
reason for us to come out to Alaska. Hey, if
y 'all come out, I will get you into the dredge.
Y 'all can come see the dredge. I'll get you
on the train. Y 'all can ride the scenic railway
of Alaska. Motherfuckers used snooze and dynamite.
It was like a 22 -year -old kid. back in the
1800s. Give me enough snus and dynamite, I'll
build you a railroad. And that was what happened
because it's a big mountainous region. It was
supposed to be impossible. They gave him like
a million dollars and he did it. And it was like
impossible. And now it's the scenic railway of
Alaska. It's just beautiful. But if y 'all come
through, I'll get you on that motherfucker. I'll
be your tour guide. I'll be the one telling you
about it and shit. Can we just follow you around
like we're making a documentary about you? Yes.
Skagway, much like Canada, is not a real place.
You can do anything you want there. Free hotels.
We just filmed your life as a supervisor. Yeah,
come up. Come up. Y 'all don't even have to stay
for long. If y 'all can get your way up there.
What's the plane ticket looking like? Round trip,
though. Round trip. If you do it at the right
time, for me, it's like $400. It's like $400.
It's one way. $400. We need to come back. If
you get there, no, it's one way. One way, you
get there, and then, I guess, you do have to
come back. I don't know what that would be. I
don't know what you're looking at. My shit is
usually spread out. All I'm saying is y 'all
can get to Skagway, Alaska. I can get you on
the train. That's all I can say. But, yeah, no,
it's cool if y 'all get there. It's just a train.
That's all it really has going for it. Yeah,
dude. You get to see the Northern Lights, right?
You get to see the Northern Lights. Brandon,
trains and Northern Lights. That's a day, man.
Can't beat that. You got to know trains. I fuck
with Thomas. That's what they used to sing. That
was probably me in my past life blowing shit
up. A train? No, not. That's like a different
thing. I was talking about that dude that made
it. Oh, yeah. The 22 -year -old. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. I mean, who knows, man? Inuit. We're all
connected. We're all connected. I know exactly
what you're talking about. Yeah, it was probably
me too, Brandon. Oh, dude. Hell yeah, we were
probably connected. Yes, I believe. I'm with
you. I believe it. I believe it a lot. Hell yeah,
man. We're probably brothers. Hell yeah. No,
I'm... is probably him too and we're fused together
like a fusion on dragon ball z probably brothers
man yeah Nah, y 'all know time isn't real? Really?
It's not? Yeah. Really? You can't prove it. Y
'all know that one? Y 'all relative. Can you
prove that? Dude, I can't even count up. No,
beyond Einstein, fuck relativity. No, time isn't
real. If you go to another dimension, time doesn't,
it doesn't make sense to a higher dimensional.
Don't let me, I see Alex over there smirking.
Don't get me started. It doesn't go to it. You're
right. That's what you said. Somebody came down
here and was like, what are you talking about
today? What are you talking about? Come on now.
It took me. in your time like a hundred quadrillion
light years to get here but for me it was just
another it's like taking a step huh and how you
move in a direction glasses yesterday and you
know when you see somebody and you're like i'm
almost positive he didn't wear glasses but i
don't want to be the first one to say anything
because Alex usually does the tape play. Now
you're getting on the right algorithm. Just wait,
dude. I've got 40 different pairs of glasses.
Just for the people that can't see, Alex does
have two pairs of glasses with him right now.
Which is just funny. Which is just a funny thing.
I can see that being Alex's new look from here
on out. Oh, yeah. I like it, man. You like it,
bro? Hell, yeah. I find I might need glasses,
man. Who lined you up, bro? Oh, Mike Sayles,
of course. Mike Sayles. Hell, yeah. Mikey Sayles,
man. Damn. Me and Mike have a talk. I thought
you were going to come and get brunch with me
and Alex, Mike Sayles. Oh, man. I wanted to see
you. Mike, you call Mike right now. He'll jump
over here. I'll be at 100%. If you call Mike
Sayles right now. If we called him, he would
have been there. Oh, yeah, dude. If he caught
him right now, he'd come. Because he said he
was coming to the broken egg thing, right? Yeah.
But then he texted, where? Shout out to man,
Mike Sam. I fuck with Mike Sam. He was running
through his material. I want to ask y 'all this.
That dude's a wizard. Oh, yeah. That's what I'll
explain. They called him on the 85 South show.
They did. They called him. Yeah. They said one
of the greatest comedians. We got the greatest
comedians in the era, and they showed a picture
of myself taking that hat off. Yeah. I do what
you know. Bang, bang. And he got his own interview
with Jack Thriller. Oh, no. They do a show called
Jacking Off. And in Atlanta, a lot of Huntsville
comics went on them, but they went because Mike
had been going out there like every week on Thursday.
And they love him. You have to love Mike Sells.
When Mike Sells says he knows somebody, like
if Mike Sells came up to me, oh, yeah, I know
Barack Obama, I would believe him. I mean, he
would be, yeah, he was thinking about getting
pieces instead of going to Turkey and getting
a hip. Yeah, I put one on. And he did that shit.
If he said he did it, he did it. Oh, yeah. He
knows these people. He's with these people. He
is. 2014 State of the Union. That was me. That
was me. He got footage of it, too, man. I'll
show you. That was all me, dude. He did call
Charleston White on the podcast. You did that.
You did. His face exploded. I thought you knew.
Yes. Yes. He did. His face exploded. And as much
as he denies it, he was in a reality TV show.
I remember this. Yeah, he tried to say he wasn't.
He tried to say he wasn't. His life was a reality
TV show, though. I went to school with his son,
and he showed me on his phone an episode. And
Mike tried to say that wasn't real. Let me search
it. It's real. Hey, man, unless it was just something
else going on. That's Mike's ass. Yeah, I just
searched it up on Google, man. It's right there.
That's crazy you search his name and Mike comes
up. Mike right there. That's 10 stats. That SEO
is crazy. Oh, my God. That's beautiful. Hell
yeah, man. Why is he wearing a turban? Hell yeah.
He popped up, too. We don't know. Oh, my. Oh,
my God. That's beautiful. I think he bought another
because I seen the host come up to him It was
like hey we got one two three Like I said when
they do was gonna be here and then he had his
hand out and shook his hand when he said like
one two three He might be blind all the way I
can't remember what he lost his eye from. Dude,
it's like Ogre, man. Blind in one eye, 14 % in
the other one. Yeah. Ogre just called. Yeah,
probably. Ogre called me about you today. He
sent me a picture with you on. I know it was
you and Florida Evans' hair, except for the good
time. Oh, shit. He posted that on Brandon's Facebook.
He put it up on his Facebook? He did. Oh, man.
I saw that, and I was like, his family's going
to take this the wrong way. Oh, no, they laugh.
I like it. I like your ogre. Man, she got the
gab, too, man. Yeah, that's the war. Rest in
peace. That picture they put on you for. Sidericus
put a picture. He looked just like Florida Evans.
He looked just like it. Oh, damn. They put that
up there, and I was like, y 'all are so wrong.
They were like, what are you talking about? I'm
like, no. You see this picture. Because you ate.
But you looked a little touched. I know which
one it is. You know which one I'm talking about,
right? The one with me at the barbecue. Oh, you
said the red shirt? Oh, no, no, no. You were
at the barbecue with the picked out front. Oh,
yeah. With the picked out front, right? It's
his red background. The red one look dope as
hell, though. No, it's the red background. Well,
this picture, you just don't let nobody put this
one up again. Dude, what if it's on Google? Let
me search it up. Maybe. There's that red right
there. I was wondering. What the fuck? Hold on.
Is this number three? Which one do you look like,
Brent? There's Jalen. I saw him for a second.
There he is. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, there you
go. It's just the algorithm. Yeah, man. That's
cool. Hell yeah. I don't use Google, so. And
they put Brandon Hunt. I don't know. Who the
fuck is that? I think, look. It's Brandon Willis.
Brandon, all the people on the screen right now,
who do you look like the most? I got to say him,
man, me. No, without you. Oh, without me? Oh,
man, easy. I look like that guy. Yeah. That's
what I'm saying. That's probably, I mean, the
one you look most like. Right there, man. His
nose can touch Jonathan Mays' nose. Let's see.
Let's find out a normal Brandon. Jonathan Mays
is good. He can snort concrete. Don't talk about
pain like that, dude. I look more like him on
normal Brandon. Now, fuck that. Him. Well, you
don't look anything like him, but you probably
just like him. But you are 1%. You had the 1%.
Yeah. Maybe him. I don't know. Or you just pick
it. That's probably the most. You put him on
blast for no reason. You know, man, he could
be going for something. We don't know. It looks
like he is. Oh, man. He look like he snitch.
I like that guy, yeah. What, him right there?
Yeah. Dude, he doesn't have the gap. That's the
only thing. Man, dude. Let's search up Dom Carr.
Go ahead. Ooh, ain't nothing showing up. I can't
even find my old mug, so. Holy shit. Look at
that. Look at that. Dude, okay. I was on Facebook
the other day, and I was watching. I keep getting
the cop videos pull up in my feed where people,
like, refuse to show their ID. Yeah. They're
so fun to watch. I'm watching this one, and it
was like. a man in centralia illinois called
after he found a man incapacitated by the railroad
tracks so he calls the police and he's like yo
this dude is out here just like he's hurt he's
bleeding And so the police show up, and they,
like, ask the guy who called for his ID, and
he was like, fuck you. I was trying to be a good
dude, waiting for y 'all to get here. It very
obviously looked like he killed that guy. He's
like, I just wanted to let y 'all know he was
here. I'll be on my way. They slam him on the
ground. For real? Yeah, dude. Did you save it?
I don't think so. I could probably find it. I
want to see. I probably know the two people.
Were they whites? Dirty whites? Oh, yeah. Dirty
whites, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go across
the train tracks. My mom used to say, don't go
across the train tracks with the dirty whites.
That's what happened to that guy. And they don't,
yep. He's dead right there. I wonder, did he
die? I don't know. But he was bleeding. You know,
the response time. There's a strong chance that
I know. What age? Which age were they? The cops?
No, the dudes. It was a guy and his daughter.
Oh, shit. And they slapped him on the ground?
Well, no. The daughter was being cooperative.
He was not. The daughter was like, I don't know
why he's acting like that. And he's like, I'm
suing you. I'm getting money from this. He killed
that guy? Like, obviously killed that fucking
guy? I'm not showing you my ID. This is amazing.
Because I don't have one. He probably did. DUIs
are a thing where I'm from. He's walking with
his daughter across the window. They're saying
he's everywhere. Everywhere you go. Did they
try to help him at all? I don't even think they
went and checked on that guy. Come on, man. He
was just trying to be a good guy. Let them know
he was there. He probably didn't kill him. They
did not go check on him. But the officer pulled
up. He was already mad. You could tell he was
mad about something. His whole thing was like,
I'm trying to get... My guy's car's off the railroad
tracks. We could have somebody dying right now.
There's a dude dying on the ground over there
and not helping him. He's like, a matter of seconds
to save somebody's life. He's dying right now.
You know, they got it figured out up there in
Australia. Like a castle on a hill. We're going
to perform there one day. You would fit in, JJ.
Nobody would even think you're from somewhere
else. Without a doubt. That's probably the worst
thing anybody's ever said to me. Brady, you'd
be all right, too. You look like my boy Mo. He's
a terrible person. Oh, shit. I mean, like, the
worst person in the world. But you're good. You're,
like, the good version of him. You guys just
look like big heads. Off -center. It kind of
looked like they came out wrong. Oh, cool. Now,
is that the guy that got his legs beat? No, no,
no. That's Gus. Gus got his legs beat by, you
know, they work at the place as bad kids. Okay.
You know, like kids, mom and daddy's probably
on drugs. You know, they get them. Yeah, yeah.
And they got behavior problems. That's the one
that he worked with. And then he would tell them
to get off the game. You got to go to sleep.
And then he said when he walked by, hit him in
the back of the head with a computer, a laptop,
and then beat his legs. This is on paperwork
right now. Everybody has seen it. I think he
posted it to his Facebook. He said that the boy
hit him in the back of the head with a laptop
and then beat his legs. He was walking on crutches.
He was walking on crutches. He was telling everybody
who said he was live, fuck y 'all. Did the kid
go to jail or anything? Hell no. Them kids get
passes. They're not stable. Oh, okay. But you
can't fuck them up. So a lot of my friends that
have worked there, because they let you, if you're
a felon, you can work with them. And a lot of
them, they let them work with them, but sometimes
they get their ass whooped. The kids. Yeah. Damn.
Was that the same guy who ran the backpack program?
Yes, yes. That's the baby. Damn, man. A light
bra. Light bra. Hey, guys, we're trying to get
these kids some backpacks, man. If you could
donate. I still got the baby. If you could donate.
It was something like $200. I'm like, God, you
is not about to get a kid a damn backpack. How
many of those kids got backpacks? People were
still asking him, hey, you still give up? It
was like in the middle of the school year. Damn.
They were like, you don't get a benefit. We still
get the backpacks and supplies. He ain't giving
nobody shit. He took a picture in front of a
U -Haul filled with water. He was like, I'm going
up to Flint, Michigan. Why? We don't have any
ties to Flint, Michigan. I'm going up to Flint,
Michigan with a U -Haul filled with water for
him. So if you know that. I don't know. I would
put money on, he took everybody's money. There
wasn't a drop of money that went to, it probably
wasn't his U -Haul. He see the U -Haul, he said,
oh, let me get a picture right here. It's making
sense, Don. The little kid that be his legs was
an angel. This is karma. This is karma coming
back to, yeah, okay, this is a good story. First
I was like, damn, that's fucked up. But now it's
like, yeah, okay. Well, he had to run the scams
to pay for the medical bills because he got his
leg. He got his legs beat, dog. He might be tiny,
too. That's a crazy way to describe what happened
to you. You know what I'm saying? Did he beat
his legs with the laptop? Huh? With the laptop?
I think so. I think he said he hit him in the
back of the head. He was like, you don't understand
how big these laptops beat. The dude is like
the smallest dude you've ever seen. It's like
Heath. It would be like Heath, but Heath fucked
me up. You know what I'm saying? He hit me in
the back of the head with a laptop and beat my
legs. I don't know why he put it in there. Everybody
knows he's lying. He won't say he's lying. Was
it like what happened to that teacher? You remember
when she took his Nintendo Switch and he just
went wild? No, that was real assault. Oh, dude,
that was horrible as hell. He needed to be in
jail. Yeah, he's autistic. Who gives a fuck?
That means to lock him down harder. Hell yeah.
They don't understand what they're doing. Exactly.
I'm a little autistic. You don't see me whooping
people's ass? Yeah, but you got the good kind.
You got the nice kind. Thank you. But if you
got the kind like that boy here. He need to be
on the lock and key. Yeah. And you can't, you
be like, oh, you don't, you know, he doesn't
know. I don't give a fuck. Other people know
when they getting hit. Yeah. You know what I'm
saying? When their brain is getting rattled,
they know. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's
lock his ass up. Is she down? No, she's good.
She's good. She's bleeding on the brain. She's
all right. She's all right. Trust me. Yeah, she's
found a report. She sued him. Good. Because that's
when it becomes a medical thing, when it's dangerous.
Hell yeah. Because, yeah, I mean, you know, this
is just cloud college. But that's real. That's
real, yeah. Hell yeah. You can't just let them
out freely if they too big. Nah, they ain't going
to whoop everybody's ass. Just think of Steve
Nash. No, hold on. Which one is the big? Not
Steve Nash. The wrestler, the one who did Panama.
Oh, Chris Benoit. Oh, you said Panama. Hold on.
For sure. Just think if Chris Benoit was autistic.
Exactly. He did what they thought he was going
to do. But they would have locked him up when
he was screaming in his promo video for him to
walk out. He's screaming with the kid. Clearly,
this man was going to kill his wife and children.
That's a damn shame. You had the writing on the
wall. Look at that. Thankfully, the kid lived,
though. Nah, he died. Wait, did he have two kids?
Because one of them was walking around doing
interviews about him. That nigga died. That's
why they had the picture. So the other one's
gone, okay. The other one was at a sleepover
or something. I mean, that's the story. If he
just killed the wife, that's okay. It's his son
right here. Well, other ones. He killed the kids,
man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. There
was two of them. Yeah, there was two. He killed
the other one. Man, rest in peace, man. See,
that one was big enough to get away. Didn't get
on that one. Yeah, people are wrestling, too,
now. Whoa. Maybe set this one out. Yeah, we'll
see. Yeah. I would distance myself. Like, that's
great. You know, teach their own. My thing is,
hey, man. Damn. What time we at, brother? We
at 58 minutes. All right. You got anything coming
up? You going to be doing stand -up or anything
anywhere? Where people can find you? Nothing
like a show. Nothing like that's like I set up
for myself. I'm always like willing for the universe
to come through. Oh, yeah. You know, if you guys
want to see me, you know, tap it, meditate. Tap
in. Let the source tell you where I'm going to
be and follow your heart and your intuition.
Bryce knows what I'm talking about. Namaste.
Namaste. Namaste. All right. Peace. Peace. I
hate Scrappy Doo.