This week on Clown College.
I mean, if they need money, they need to learn how to get it.
Even if they're sick or ill or, you know, whatever.
Vote that.
I mean, you figure it out.
Yeah.
Hey, when you have hearing loss, you don't go over there complaining about whatever.
No, I never do.
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways, the elevator make you sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest,
a few takes on the ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We've got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
There's probably a huge black market for medical textbooks.
Aw, how many pictures?
So many.
That's a good question.
The feet doctor?
Yeah.
Oh, wait, no.
Man, the foot doctor.
The foot doctor.
Dude, you're a fucking creep.
You know what I mean?
See, not everybody fucking thinks about feet.
I have never, till I met these people.
It's like a field of non-anthologists, dude.
It's weird.
It's white.
It is weird.
To be a foot doctor?
Yeah.
They help you, man.
They help me.
They help themselves.
They're good people.
All right.
Would you want to, if you were any kind of doctor, what kind of doctor, what part of the body?
Part of the body.
Yeah.
Would you specialize in?
I guess the feet, man.
Why not?
You know what I mean?
Why not?
Yeah, the feet.
His heart's not in it for the right reason.
No, man, I want to help you with your foot problems.
Yeah.
JJ.
Let's make it look good.
Yes.
We got special guests, don't we?
We do.
We do, man.
Who we got?
And I'm going to say this right now.
When I went to go get the papers off of the printer, I saw something on here, dude.
And I have a gun.
And if there's a spider in this room, I'm shooting everybody.
Oh, wow.
What are you talking about?
I'm shooting everybody, dude.
No.
Damn, man.
Not me, though.
Because I saw something.
What did you see?
I saw bags of some sort.
They're Valentine's Day gifts.
Yeah.
What do you...
They're my favorite pod boys.
Okay.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, but that is a joke I do not own in firearm.
Damn, man.
But yeah, we have a special guest today.
Damn.
Live entertainer extraordinaire, not just comedy.
We rarely have people that are talented at all, especially multi-talented.
You don't find many.
No, you don't.
You don't find many at all.
We have on Hope Rangel.
Did I say it right?
Yeah, you did.
Thank you.
Because I said it wrong at open mic one time.
I didn't even know it was you.
And it's just one of those things that sticks with you forever.
I'm used to it.
Hey, Hope, how you doing?
I'm amazing.
How are you?
I already know how you all are doing.
You're great.
You're great, right?
Always.
I hope so.
Or you're pretending really well.
Thank you.
I'm always good.
Brandon, I think you're always happy, right?
I mean, we can pretend.
Oh, so you get mad sometimes.
Man, yeah.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I'm not.
That's what I'm talking about.
Ooh, I didn't know that.
What's the last thing you get mad about?
I got to take pills for it, man.
As he drinks.
It's called no-loss.
What do you do when you get mad?
I don't know.
I have never gotten seriously mad, I guess.
I don't know, not seriously mad.
I mean, I get upset.
But I don't know.
Listening to music, why not jazz?
Okay.
Something smooth.
Put some Miles Davis on or something.
Yeah, I see you've got your smoking jacket on right now.
Yes, I do.
I hope you always seem happy.
Before you started comedy, everybody, we used to go to Moody's and do karaoke.
And Hope was like the one that was good.
She would just go up there and I was like, yeah, she's good.
And then they were like, she did comedy.
We saw you do comedy and now you're amazing.
Hilarious.
Like your jokes hit, your timing's on time right now.
I didn't realize how long you guys knew about my face.
That's crazy.
Oh yeah, because for a while there, we were going like probably too much.
I was unemployed.
It's a good time to go to the bar.
And it was cold and you didn't want to smoke outside.
It has everything I need in there.
I love Moody's.
And you also host the open mic there.
Yeah.
Every Tuesday?
Every Tuesday.
What time?
7 o'clock.
Sign up is at 6.30.
Hell yeah.
And it's a perfect room for comedy.
It's got the low ceilings.
I got beaten the first round of the competition last time.
Lil Birdie told me y'all might come back.
A little clown college collab.
Get a lot of you guys on.
I think that'd be fun.
I want to see you guys fight each other.
Hell yeah.
If we can get this guy to come out and do a fucking set.
Well you know, I was planning on making my return last week, but then duty called.
I had to give my life to the armed services.
And I didn't do it.
I do consider myself a veteran.
As much as some people claim they are in the comedy scene.
You're probably more of a veteran.
You're a veteran.
He went to the recruiter office three times.
I did.
You pretty much put in your time.
I mean, it was hard, but in the service of my country, there's nothing I wouldn't do
man.
Except that.
Wow.
Should we cheer for that?
Yeah.
I think you did it man.
To JJ.
And it's time.
Thank you JJ.
Well I didn't know you were a graphic designer.
Yeah, that was my minor in college and then I kind of, yeah, who does college?
My major was computer science, so when I figured out I hated that, thank God I had the graphic
design to get the in-between jobs where I didn't have to be that technically smart,
but I just needed to be like, this doesn't look like shit.
So I was able to stay afloat.
Did you get good jobs doing graphic design?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You wouldn't know it.
I still have a debt.
I'm like, I got paid so much more than I do now.
Where the fuck did it go?
Oh, that lifestyle creep or something.
Man.
Yeah, but was it fun, like you got to do like cool stuff?
No.
No, it was like straight up.
I hated all of it.
It was soul sucking.
Did you ever draw Mickey Mouse or anything?
I wish.
It was more like things that I vote against.
It was like really crazy shit.
Honestly, I try not to know too much about it in case I did get kidnapped.
If they interrogated me, I'd be like, I really don't know what the fuck this is.
Did you design the Choose Life license plate?
Oh man, no.
Whoever designed that one, I want to meet them.
It's just yellow with some red footprints on it.
The whole Liza plate is that?
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, I didn't know you could do that.
I mean most people don't.
No numbers or letters?
Most people don't, dude.
Is it just here or is it everywhere?
The license plate.
So is this it right here with the foot?
It looks something like that.
Are they to scale on the sticker?
I don't think so.
So yeah, let's choose life.
Brandon will be starchly against abortion just because it says feet on it.
Brandon didn't know this was about abortion.
I didn't until I looked at it because I was like, Choose Life, what's that, somebody about
to kill themselves, like suicidal?
Because I was like, we should choose life.
And then I saw the foot and I get it now.
So I get it, all right.
I get it, man.
Choose life.
Yeah.
Brandon's a pro lifer, dude.
No, I don't know what's going on, man.
Dude, congratulations on getting married.
Thank you.
I got married and almost got kidnapped, so I'm happy.
And that's the way you usually, you get something and somebody gets stuff back.
And it wasn't bad because I mean, most people are scared and worried, but me, I was very
flattered.
Why are you flattered?
Because dude, they don't take bad looking people.
Like people are like, hey man, you're going to get kidnapped?
And you're like, no, man, because I'm ugly.
But he went up to me and was like, I'm going to take you to Tennessee and we're going to
get money.
I know I'm not getting money.
I'm not getting sex traffic.
And I was like, that's awesome.
Because they don't do that for anybody.
I could grow up in my life and say to somebody, try to take me for that.
Because I would have been like, why me?
And he'd be like, man, because we need you.
Because you're hot as fuck.
Yeah.
And I would have been fucking hot as fuck.
Thank you, man.
I would have done good.
What's the first thing, when you walked in, I commented about your outfit and your haircut.
Thank you.
Yeah, they tried to take me, man.
I'm like, no, I asked them.
But also, what's the rest of the story?
Where was this at?
I was at my job.
He was just like, hey, man, what time you get off work, I could teach you how to gamble
and stuff.
I'll take you to Tennessee State Line.
I'll get $1,000 today.
Was he straight?
I hope.
I mean, I hope.
I don't know.
I mean, it's cool either way, whatever he's doing.
Because I just saw he had the Detroit Lions hat.
And I was like, oh, you're from Detroit?
And I thought it was you guys pranking me at first.
Oh, not again.
I was like, no, I'm not.
I'm not.
Not again.
Because I was like, you guys do pranks.
But you were sitting, you saw him though, right?
The first day, because I was like, damn, maybe he saw the pod and got in.
He called you?
No, he didn't.
Well, he texted me because I didn't.
Wait, did you know?
Yeah, because he asked for it.
And I was like, dude, he did.
Oh, great.
After he tried to sell you into slavery?
Yeah, well, I think it was sex trafficking.
Not slavery, by the way.
Okay, sex trafficking.
Sex, slavery?
Yeah, but he just sent me one thing.
I mean, because like, dude, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, but he just sent me one thing, I mean, because like, dude, I just block him.
It's all right.
Yeah.
Do you still see him at work?
Yeah, like I helped him the other day.
What, am I gonna run away?
No, man.
Come on, man.
Yeah, you stay your grip.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, man.
Dude, he's gonna be like, here's a $100 bill.
You're gonna touch it and you're gonna pass out, dude.
That is hard, because like, dude, tips like that.
I mean, shit, $100, man, I'm broke.
You said you helped him.
I helped him.
I mean, shit, $100, man, I'm broke.
You said you helped him.
Yeah.
You mean that you helped him get another boy?
No, no, I helped him with his groceries.
Pizza, pizza.
Yeah, pizza.
I'm just kidding.
Hope, how do you feel about this?
Jealous.
It felt good.
I told my parents and everybody, I was so happy.
I told them.
I was like, you son almost got tooken.
I was like, I'm so happy.
I was like, you son almost got tooken again.
Like people at the bar.
He's throwing it in their face.
They'll try to grop me, but no one's ever tried to take me home.
Oh yeah, they tried, man.
They tried to take me more than home.
I don't know where he was trying to go.
You're forever home.
He was trying to take me out of the state.
We should make a parody movie with Brandon getting sold into slavery called Tooken.
But like he doesn't realize it because he's having so much fun.
Oh yeah, I would be like, dude, so what made you think about this?
And then everybody in there will be like, so why'd you get picked?
And the second you're ugly as fuck, why'd they pick you?
The speech is Brandon explaining to the other kid, and see I have a specific set of skills.
There's no ad stuff.
That's where you draw the line.
I like that you're still setting boundaries.
Yeah, I would.
I would set boundaries.
That's important.
Yeah, because they be like, this dude can cooperate.
Most people don't do that.
I'd be like, okay man, just not the ass.
You have like a rider.
A rider?
You come in and it's like, I need these things in the bedroom.
Hey, you can be my rider.
I need the 1987 Hulk Hogan.
No, I don't fuck with Hulk Hogan anymore.
Okay, my bad.
Jake the snake.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
With that snake, right?
Can we in there?
Yeah, never mind.
We'll just cut that off.
So, hope you, he was talking about snakes, you dibble and dabble with creatures.
Yeah, I have four tarantulas.
And I have two chinchillas that I've recently acquired.
I rescued them.
Well, they were rehomed because they came from a house with a great day and like three
cats and shit.
So now they just live with two cats and four tarantulas.
So it's better.
Four?
Yeah.
You let them out this crawly?
Fuck no.
I actually had a nightmare because I took a nap before I came here.
I had a nightmare that some random bitch came to my house and she was like, hey, can my
little sister play with your spiders?
And I was like, fuck no.
And she was like, too late.
And I looked over and there's just like spiders everywhere.
So like I am scared of them too.
I just treat them like fish.
Like I don't, you don't pet fish.
You don't touch, you don't take the fish out.
You just like, you're just like, wow, pretty fish and you feed it and they respond.
What's the biggest thing you fed them?
I feed them these little blue gummy, they're called great horn worms.
Great horn worms.
Yeah, they're blue.
They look like gummy worms.
They're worth looking up.
They're cool.
But I feed them those.
I feed them mealworms.
I tried to feed them little beetles, but I tried to feed one to one of them and it just
adopted it as a pet.
And then I shit you not, the little beetle outlived the spider.
Damn.
Yeah, the spider died and the beetle, I kept the beetle for months after that because I
was like, well, you were, you knew him.
Like, so I'm going to keep you around.
So this is it right here?
Yeah, that's what they eat.
Wow.
That is beautiful.
Whoa.
Yeah.
I feel bad when I feed them.
Are these guys expensive?
No, you can get a pet coat.
Wow.
They go along with some kids right there.
Right?
Whoa.
I know, right?
It's beautiful.
He's got frosted tips.
I'd just have these as a pet, honestly.
Yeah, they're cool as fuck.
Brandon, you would cry if you saw that.
Well, the tarantula probably, because you know we are scared of spiders.
Yeah, I don't fuck with spiders.
Last time I was here, do you remember I saw the spider and I just walked away and didn't
tell anybody?
Yeah, you were behind everybody.
There are two species in our area that's actually worrisome, other than that.
Worst ones, like the black widow.
Yeah, you're right.
The brown recluse is the one that'll get you.
I've rehomed those two across the street by the elementary school.
I don't want them.
They hide in towels and stuff, man.
That's a bastard.
That just seems unfair.
Y'all shake your shoes up before you put them on.
I never do that or shake my towel.
I'm now thinking about it.
Every time.
Yeah, dude.
I've never.
Wait, so they could be in here right now.
Oh yeah.
If you didn't have spiders in this apartment, I would be shocked.
Oh, I got a lot of them.
There's a lot.
We've killed them.
Well, not a lot.
I want to flash back to it.
Not a lot, but we have the big ones.
I don't know what kind they are.
The wolf spiders.
Oh, those are the little boys.
But they don't have poison and stuff.
They're all venomous, but it's just not enough to do anything.
Yeah, they all.
I don't like this.
Sometimes they crawl up that curtain right there.
You guys trying to give me nightmares, man.
I've been having nightmares every day these past five days for some reason.
In different series, in different phases.
I don't know why.
Phases of your sleep cycle?
Yes.
I just keep on having real shit and it's just terrifying.
I'm like, what the fuck?
What's one of them?
It's the scariest one.
Yeah.
Let me think of one I could talk about.
Oh, God.
They're so dark.
It's just so embarrassing.
It's like horribly embarrassing.
I mean, I remember one, and I hate this.
I don't know why it happened, but I was with my wife, right?
We were just sitting and one of my family just walked in and they're like, hold me.
I was like, what the fuck?
I don't.
Why are you holding me?
And then I had to hold them.
What the fuck?
That in a million years, I would not have guessed that.
That's the one you can talk about?
Holy shit.
They're all bad.
That's the one I was like, and I was just all traumatized.
I'm imagining in the Harry Potter movie where Voldemort comes out of that cauldron.
Terrifying.
Holy shit.
And then like a bear, like a black bear came rampant in Huntsville and I was just like,
I couldn't even go outside.
You should have said that one.
Yeah, I should have said that one.
You should have led with that one.
Oh my God.
I can't control these dreams.
They're lucid.
Do you know you're dreaming?
Never mind, I can.
I did.
I thought it was real.
I never know when I'm dreaming.
I thought it was so real.
Really?
Yeah, because my dreams are so fucking normal and boring.
Okay, so it's like a regular day type thing?
Yeah.
Like, you ever dream something and think that you told this like a person something in real
life?
Yeah.
And you're like, I told you that on Tuesday.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Like, I swear every few days I'll wake up and be like, did that shit really happen or
did I just have a normal boring dream?
It's weird.
And then I drink, so like that doesn't help.
Maybe that's what's happening.
I think that's the reason I don't dream.
You don't dream?
Because weed makes you, oh, you stop.
Oh yeah, I don't do that.
You quit, so maybe, yeah, you're dreaming now.
Oh yeah, that's what they do.
Yeah, but I used to not dream.
And now I'm just dreaming and I'm like not ready for this.
My dreams aren't normal at all, man.
They're insane, dude.
Like I had a dream and I rarely remember them for more than like, you know, like an hour
or whatever.
This one was so weird.
I don't think I'll ever forget it.
I was in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese.
I don't know how I knew it was a Chuck E. Cheese, but you know, like the animatronic
band, the chef?
Yeah.
I knew it was his kitchen.
And I just somehow knew that and it was like red and white tile on the floor.
And I was with my old Sunday school teacher and there was like gifts in the corner.
He's like, I got you this thing.
I unrolled it and it's just a dead cat.
Oh my God.
And a thing, and then I open it up and then it like pops up back to life.
And it's like a normal cat for half a second.
And then it killed me.
Killed you?
Yeah.
And you died in the dream?
Well, I woke up.
Oh.
And I was like, yeah, damn, I guess I gotta go to the gym now.
It sucks.
You got killed by a house cat?
Yeah, bro.
But you should have seen it, bro.
It was like a normal cat.
It was dead.
And then he came back to life.
He like popped into reality.
And then he like stood up on two legs like a human.
Killed me.
Damn.
Like what does it mean?
That's like the ancient Chinese folklore.
There's no way that means anything other than I need help.
Are dreams supposed to mean anything?
Is there like a study to it?
Yeah.
They're supposed to mean something?
It's called oneromancy or something.
That sounds like magic.
Yeah, that does.
Maybe that's just the witchers.
I don't know.
Yeah, I'll be saying stuff of a fictional fantasy series.
It's what's coming up?
What's the next?
Valentine's Day?
You big on Valentine's Day?
No.
Me neither.
No, I feel like it's either shit you should be doing anyway for your partner or it's a
really lonely fucking day.
I don't think there's any in between.
I get text messages from dominoes.
That's who they tell me about the heart-shaped pizza.
They're always there for me.
I buy it.
It's good.
Treat yourself.
You deserve it.
Thanks.
I wish we had got you some valentines, but I forget that the day is coming up.
This will come out right after, I think.
Well, I have gifts for you guys.
If you want to entertain them.
Hell yeah.
Cool.
This one, be smooth.
Be smooth.
Because y'all's prank call was fucking hilarious.
Oh my god.
This one's for you.
Thank you.
I'm going to let you guys have a little bit of a break.
This one's for you, and then I'm going to let you open that one.
Okay, thanks.
I want to see what Dom got.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank you.
What happened?
What?
You okay?
I almost died just then.
What happened?
Well, I don't know what the hell did you say.
Now I'm scared to open too.
What is it?
Don't go and open yours.
Give us a minute.
I'm going to open mine.
Oh yeah.
Holy shit.
This is badass.
Oh, look at that.
Get it out of there.
Oh wow.
Actually, it's not.
Damn.
I look like I touch kids.
Holy shit.
Oh wow.
That is so cool.
Holy shit.
What happened?
Oh damn.
No, no, no.
It's not real.
It can't hurt you.
It's not real.
I'm sorry.
I'm not touching that, man.
What happened?
What the fuck?
Oh my gosh.
It looks so real, too.
It's not real, Brandon.
I thought it was moving.
I thought it was like this big block.
It's not crawling on me.
I'm not, no.
I swear it moved in my head.
I was like, dude, what?
I wasn't ready.
Oh shit.
It's so real looking, dude.
It's a molt.
They shed their skin.
Oh my gosh.
So it is real.
I knew y'all would kill him.
Oh my gosh.
Look at this, man.
I'm not looking in there.
No, no, no.
This is the picture.
That's something.
That looks awesome.
Awesome.
Oh my God.
That looks sick.
That looks awesome.
That looks sick.
That looks awesome.
That looks sick.
That looks awesome.
I just had to make sure, dude.
This is dope.
This is sick.
Yeah, it comes out of the box.
I just shoved it in there.
Brandon, I promise you, I would not lie to you.
There's no, there's nothing in this one.
It's just a picture of us.
You okay, Brandon?
It's really cool.
I just got me out of God.
I wasn't expecting that shit.
I knew it, bro.
I would never have tortured y'all like that.
I swear I picked up the paper off the printer and I saw the spider thing.
I was like, fuck, dude.
Oh, this is so badass, dude.
Isn't that sick though?
That is tight.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
That is dope as hell.
Thank you.
No problem.
You're my favorite podcast, dude.
That is sick.
Yeah, no problem.
I'll send you the digital version so you can do whatever you want.
Oh, that's so badass.
Yeah, that's perfect.
You got my lemon undertones perfect.
Okay, so I made it in RGB.
I should have made it in CMYK.
Oh, no, I was being serious.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
What did you think it was, though?
No, I just thought you had some... I swear I thought it was like cartoon...
We just talked about the graphic design.
No AI.
We're an anti-AI podcast.
But our clip...
Can I put you on retainer if I pay... if the graphic stuff?
If you're talking money, I'm already down.
All right, hell yeah.
I'm a cheap bitch.
Oh, that's crazy.
That's so badass.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Brandon, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm perfectly...
I'm really sorry.
No, it's good.
I just didn't expect that.
Doesn't it feel good to feel alive for a second though?
Yeah, I mean, it was like adrenaline rush.
I'm cool now.
I just didn't expect... because I thought it was moving.
I was like, is this thing live?
The only reason I knew is because I knew you wouldn't endanger an animal like that because
first of all, there's no way if you give somebody something like that, they're not fucking throwing
it.
Exactly.
That was the first markup.
I was talking and I was like, we ask Hope if she'll bring them.
And they were like, maybe they accidentally killed one of them.
I was like, damn, that shit of them, Hope was like, they mold them.
Using that was genius because that was the only thing... I was fully expecting it opening
to see a spider in there.
I can't even talk because I'm like, fuck.
But I knew there was going to be something in there.
It still got me because of how fucking real it looked because it is real.
That was crazy, dude.
Where's yours at, Brandon?
It's right here.
Can I see it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, no.
Dom, don't do it, man.
Please don't.
No, man.
I already know.
Look how big the phone is on it.
You can flip it over and look at the things and stuff.
Are you going to throw it over?
Don't do it.
We already did.
Oh god, now I don't believe it.
Nah, man.
I do feel like it's moving.
I'm not going to lie.
Dude, I swear.
I opened it because I keep a ball in a box because I'm really fucking weird.
I opened it and I got a little chill.
I was like, ooh.
It's built into us to not fuck with these.
Brandon, it's a zombie spider.
I wonder if these hurt when they bite you.
Oh yeah.
Because it got a little teeth.
You want to see it, JJ?
No, I'm good.
You sure?
Okay, Brandon wants to see it.
No, I don't.
Let me look.
I don't want to touch it.
I just want to look at it.
But look, just look at those fangs in there.
Damn.
Yeah, those are sharp.
Yeah, she's my bitchiest tarantula.
I don't really want... I think it might be a boy.
I don't know.
I don't really want it that much.
But I love all my other ones.
They're super chill.
They'll just... That one's a bitch.
I'll sneeze and it'll start kicking little hairs off its butt at me.
What?
Oh yeah.
I try to feed it and it just starts flicking hairs at me.
What is that?
There's New World and Old World tarantulas.
This goes back to the fucking...
The New World ones are from the Americas and they don't have a lot of venom, but they have
a lot of hair.
So they'll flick their little... Like porcupines, they'll flick their hairs at you to get in
your eyes.
Like a cat's eyes or whatever normal predator it would have.
I did not know they could do that.
Me neither.
They're ranged.
They have ranged attacks.
I hate that.
I hate everything about that.
I love them.
This is why I thought when I got kidnapped it was a prank, man.
Because of the tarantula.
Okay, Brandon, I'm going to just go ahead and tell you this now.
We will never do a prank on you or endanger you, like kidnapping you or any kind of sexual
thing like that.
You don't remember room raiders, have you?
Wait, what's that?
Room raiders?
I don't know what that is.
Oh yeah, room raiders.
You don't remember room raiders?
Oh hell no, you don't remember room raiders.
Nah, what year was that?
Like I don't know.
Early 2000s.
2001, 2003, something like that.
Oh man, sounds like a year.
Room raiders is where... You tell them.
They would kidnap you from your room.
So for you, they would kidnap you and two other guys and they'd have a lady sitting there
and judging you based off your bedroom that you just got kidnapped from.
So you don't have to have to clean it.
I can't go into your room.
Yeah.
I can't.
And then people would... I don't know how stale it was, but people would have dirty
drawers.
I mean, the rooms weren't as messed up as they should have been for single guys because
there's not a chance in hell.
It's not the nastiest thing you've ever seen in your life.
Like a college single guy.
Oh man.
But it was fun.
Next, too, you remember that?
Aw, next was the best.
And parental control.
Which one was... Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's when they let their parents pick their date?
They let their parents pick the date and then... Because they hated their current partner.
Yeah.
So it'd be like Maddie's parents being like, we don't want you with him anymore.
We're going to pick you a date and then you have to watch it with...
I'm like, this is weird.
With the parents.
That's some like cuck fantasy shit.
They're probably all swingers now.
I don't know.
That's insane.
Nothing wrong with that.
If my dad picked my date, I'd be fucked.
There's no telling who he would pick.
She'd be black, first of all.
She'd be black, she'd be 40, she'd work at the DMV.
It'd be somebody he knows personally.
She'd be a lesbian.
Damn.
Who do you think your mom would pick for you?
I feel like my mom would take me away and get the girl somebody else.
I feel like... Oh my...
I think your mom would go on the date with you.
Yeah, she'd probably be like, I'm the chaperone and shit.
All right.
You don't think she'd want you to be like... Well, you're already married.
I don't know what you're talking about.
See what I mean?
She wouldn't pick nobody because you're already married.
She'd be a homewrecker at that point.
That's my thing for your mom.
No, she wouldn't.
No, she's...
She would sit two tables over and if she didn't like the girl throughout the date, she'd walk
over and hit her with a fentanyl patch on the back of the neck, put her to sleep, dude.
Yeah.
That'd be bad.
That's what she would do.
After he'd come up, I'd be like, man, fuck my son.
I'd be like, all right, man.
I'm sorry.
How would that have went with you, Hope, parental guidance?
Oh, God.
There is one guy I dated in high school that my dad... My dad's Hispanic.
He always called him mijo.
He's still to this day, if he saw him 15 years later, would be like, hey, mijo.
My dad likes the simple, nice guy.
What's mijo mean?
It's like my son.
What?
Mico, mica?
So your boyfriend would call your dad my son?
No, my dad would call my boyfriend at the time my son.
I'm thinking he didn't like him type this, so he loved him.
Oh, yeah, he loved him.
Yeah, I think my dad just likes the nice guy.
No, just likes the nice guy.
Everybody here know Spanish?
You know mijo, man?
No, I do.
I don't.
Now we're getting Japanese.
I was in Spanish class, too.
I don't know.
You took Spanish how many years?
Just one semester, and she saw that we already knew it, so she would just speak to you in
Spanish.
She'd be like, what does that mean?
I don't know.
Then people look at me, and I'm like, dude, she didn't teach us nothing right.
I didn't learn nothing in there.
All I know how to say is, what, gracias.
Si?
Yeah, si, yeah.
Come with some lies?
No, I don't know that.
Who knows?
I was just like, pinge a bitch.
That's it.
I like basketball.
I like it for what it used to be, I'll tell you that.
I like what it used to be.
I still watch it sometimes just to see a good game for some player I like.
I don't have a specific favorite team.
I like players because team lets you down sometimes.
But I like what it used to be.
I miss the violets in basketball.
I miss the violets because the violin was kind of funny.
I mean, they let people in hockey whoop each other's ass with sticks.
It's okay if a couple niggas smack each other around the basketball court because it can
get competitive out there as long as you keep it in a respectable way.
I remember as a kid I watched a Charles Barkley and Shaq fight that used to always be entertaining.
Now they got all these fouls.
There's too many fouls for me in basketball.
Joraemon is actually my favorite NBA player of all time.
That nigga reminds me of a mini Shaq.
He just don't give a fuck.
Any time they foul him and find him suspended from a game, I'd be like, God damn, that basketball
gonna be boring for the next couple of games.
I need Joraemon out there with my ass.
I like that shit.
Joraemon reminds me of the hood nigga from Mobile.
He reminds me that.
He don't give a fuck.
So are you doing these competitions every month or quarter?
We're doing quarterly.
Quarterly, that's right.
Yeah.
That was fun though.
Hell yeah.
Charles, one on one, and Mark Viola one on the other.
That's good shit.
There's so much fun.
I'm always kind of worried.
I get anxious for any event that I'm in charge of, but they're always a good time.
It's kind of really easy.
I just have to sit back and let you guys be really funny.
And it works.
And then I get credit and I'm like, I didn't do shit.
I didn't even say any jokes.
No, but you're an amazing host.
You really keep it going because I've hosted before at a thing you have to do.
Mine was every other week, but mine was terrible compared to what you do.
I'm like, you get them up there, you move them along, you talk proper and all that.
Glad you think I'm articulate.
I'm lucky to have the booth to hide behind.
I feel like because I'm not coming out in between comics, we save a lot of time doing
that.
It kind of loses a certain intimacy, like small room.
But like you said, the room is low ceilings.
It's covered wall to floor and skating re-carpet.
It looks like a Dixie Cup, but goth.
It's scrungy, it's dark, it's good for comedy.
Best bathroom in Huntsville.
It is.
I love it.
Hey, we upgraded the shower room.
But it was packed whenever I was there.
We had to sit in the back.
We couldn't even get a spot to see the show.
Get out there and come see it at Moody's.
And you do a karaoke right afterwards.
Who doesn't want to do that?
Yeah, it's a long night for me, but it's fun.
Do people tip well for karaoke?
It depends on the night.
Like recently, my only tip was a copy of Two Weeks Notice with Sandra Bullock.
It was a DVD.
Are you fucking with me?
You know what movie I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two Weeks Notice?
Let's see.
And the only reason I got it as a tip was because the bar didn't have a DVD player.
So he just gave it off to me.
And I was like, where did you get this?
And he's like, I like to be nice to people.
And I was like, that's really sweet.
I'm going to take this, I'm going to add it to my collection alongside Shawshank Redemption
and Interstellar.
That's my shit.
I fucking love Interstellar.
Oh my God, Trump did it!
DT did it!
What's this motivated now?
What did he mean by this?
Man, that's crazy.
Damn, how many movies did Trump do?
We got Home Alone 2?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I didn't know he was in this.
I didn't either.
I've never seen it.
I've never seen this either.
Yeah, I guess it was a good tip.
It's that Hugh Grant era.
Have we just been living in Trump's world this whole time?
He's in every movie apparently, The Apprentice.
He's got entertainment locked down.
We're in The Truman Show, but they did it of a whole country.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
That's North Korea.
That's his boy.
Unless we're getting double blinded, dude.
They're double faking us out, dude.
They have that as an example, but really we're the ones that are getting faked.
Damn, maybe.
What if people are just sitting around painting and eating grapes and we're fucking working
at McDonald's?
Damn.
What if that's the case, Brandon?
That could be true.
That opens up a whole new can of words, man.
Damn, man.
What are we going to do?
What are we going to think about that?
Wow, it's nothing we can do.
You ever been out of the country?
No.
With all these plane crashes, I don't know, man.
You guys haven't been to Europe?
I haven't either.
I've heard that in Italy, it's a much slower fucking lifestyle.
People visit at restaurants.
You're not trying to get out so the waitress can get her tips.
You go and visit and you drink and you smoke and you laugh and spend hours with people.
I don't know if that's just what I've been told or if that's real, but that sounds pretty
fucking nice.
I feel like in America, we're always fucking hustling.
In Russia.
I feel like we take it personal when we can't pay our bills.
We feel like a failure.
Oh, hell yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Because you got to.
It's just so goddamn expensive, man.
Yeah.
I thought I was supposed to go down, DT.
What's going on?
Shit.
I mean, this is the most expensive fucking six bucks.
The dude I work with.
Yeah.
We got this black dude.
He always talks about how he loves eating eggs every morning and he came in.
He was so mad.
He threw shit down.
He was hardcore on the Trump train.
He was like, I'm telling you right now, fuck that.
I'm drunk on do something.
Then he came in like last week.
He was like, fuck this shit.
He was like, he's a six dollars.
I told the girls we ain't eatin' eggs no more.
Damn, man.
That's when you just got to buy the chickens, man.
The only eggs he cares about is women's.
It's not the grocery type.
Dude, it's so bad.
I was at work and this lady came in with a whole big ass cake and it said resign.
I was like, resign?
That's weird.
What's going on?
She's like, oh, well, you know, because of Trump and Elon Musk, now we got to resign
because we work in like an office government thing or they're just going to like fire us.
And I was like, no, I'm sorry to hear that.
And then the doctor behind it was like, you know what that means, son?
And I was like, nah.
And then he explained everything to me and I was like, OK, cool.
That's sad.
What'd he say?
Oh, well, he just told me.
He was like, yeah, man.
That's the day we told me.
He was like, yeah, they got to resign because Elon Musk and Trump are going to make them
quit.
And if they don't resign, they're going to get fired.
So now they don't have a job.
Damn.
Or they DEI or something?
No, no, it was like a government job thing.
Like government people.
Government like some office thing.
OK.
So, yeah.
Probably just some charity work to help you start.
Some bullshit.
They chose wrong.
Yeah, I mean, if they need money, they need to learn how to get it, even if they're sick
or ill or, you know, whatever.
Vote then.
I mean, you figure it out.
Yeah.
Hey, you have your voice.
You don't go over there complaining about what I never do.
Yeah, I never do.
You go you go to work and now you save people's lives.
Yeah, that's what I do.
Think about how much integrity there is in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps while
you're starving.
Exactly.
And your back is thrown out.
It's probably easier.
Maybe.
Your ankles aren't as fluid on them.
Should they have them kinkles?
All I know is I did my part.
Did my part, man.
Good job.
Yes, I did.
Thank you, man.
What was your part?
My part?
Oh, with the voting.
I voted.
Oh, OK.
I voted.
I tell you, even though they were just kidding, that would be $25.
Would you like to round up for the charity you just got?
I did do that.
I was like, damn, that's crazy, man.
So you a member of Club Publix?
No, that's what it was at my last job when I would write people up close.
We'd be talking about how expensive shit is, and I'd be like, yeah, I'll be $1,200.
Yeah, and then I tell them this.
I'm like, I'm sorry, man.
I hate this, too.
I can't even shop here.
I got to go to Walmart.
You can't even shop at the place you work.
No.
They don't give employee discounts.
I can't, no.
Really?
They don't give employee discounts?
Not at all.
They get snowcaptions.
Oh, what the fuck?
Okay, and you can give employee discounts.
No, man.
They don't do it.
That's crazy.
That's nonsense.
I've never worked anywhere where you should start stealing.
Because I've never worked anywhere where you couldn't get a fucking discount there.
I'll be your alibi if you steal from there.
No, I'm good.
I can't.
You can't now.
Would you better get a better job?
Yes, I am.
Way better.
Kicking in fires, pulling me out of the wreckage.
Shit, you can steal there is worth way more than that stuff at Publix.
Yeah, it is.
I'm not going to do that.
Wait, I'm sorry, what happened?
Did you steal off folks' bodies?
Oh, no.
You cannot.
No.
Wait, what are you about to start doing?
I'm about to be like EMS and work on a fire department.
That's what my goal is.
That's so fucking interesting.
I wish I could handle stress enough to be like a 911 dispatcher or something.
I think that shit's so cool.
Yeah, it is.
But you got to react.
Yeah, I don't know.
You got to have a little something to you, man.
I'd be like, holy shit, he's in the house?
We'll get to the fucking house.
Get the fuck out.
Yeah.
It's going to be great.
You should call 911.
Speaking of, we were talking about Trumpet Eli.
I found this whenever, because we were hoping you wanted Asian food, so I had to go to the
Asian market.
Look at this.
It's also spider-skeleton.
Yeah, a bunch of tarantulas.
What?
Wait, whoa.
That's the good kind, right?
Wait, what?
There's the good kind, right?
Can I show the camera?
Yes, please.
It looks like a German clock.
You're our closest connection to this kind of shit, so you're our expert.
Damn.
This was at the...
Dom's our antique roadshow appraisal for a child.
He's German.
So I thought that was interesting.
I knew too.
We can't just leave it on the shelf.
Do you know what's inside of it?
Is that like a flag?
It's the swastikas, but I think it's the Buddhist peaceful house.
Ah!
There's no knot.
Demonetize on YouTube.
What's the angle of the...
Well, they're at all angles, ironically.
Oh, man.
I guess it's in the eye of the beholder.
It's a support for them.
So do I open this?
Yeah.
They used AI to design the package.
Whoa.
Are they on these too?
That's...
No.
And that's the thing that they're not.
What is that?
These are beautiful.
Are they slender?
They are.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Kanye might be on them.
They're fucking beautiful.
I'm fucking around just joking, bro.
Are they mine?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah?
Hell yeah.
This is going to look so good with my katana.
We just going to put it back?
Are we just going to look at that off?
What'd he say?
He's trying to switch the service.
No, I was joking.
What'd he say?
I was joking.
What'd he say?
Brandon, would you like to repeat what you said?
I was joking around when you pulled that out.
Like, man, Kanye is on something.
Joking around.
I can't go into nothing.
That's too good.
I'm going to go into the
Well, some of his tweets were right.
He said, there's no funny rich people.
All funny people are broke ass niggas who are trying to distract people from their life.
And he's right.
Yeah, he is right.
He is very right.
I know that from experience.
But how many katanas do you have?
Just one.
You just one?
Yeah, no, I got it from a Japanese kick that I went through.
I fucking thought I was going to move to Japan.
Yeah, I was like, they'll accept me there.
It's like they're polite.
Yeah, fucking futote gaijin or whatever.
Fat foreigners, what they would have called me.
No, that's what I would have been called.
And then I would have been depressed in Japan.
I almost moved down fourth grade.
Whoa, really?
Yeah, because my dad had a job offer.
He was like, we're going to Japan.
And my mom was like, whatever makes you feel better.
You probably, like, people might be more cool with you.
You're not going to be lonely because you'll probably be a tall dude there.
And I was like, really?
What in the fuck?
You would have been like Jaden Smith karate kid.
Yeah, and he was like, stop being lonely.
I was like, thanks, mom.
Your mom was going to move there?
No, my dad, like, we were all going to move there because my dad, like, he had a job offer.
So we were going to go down there.
What was his job?
Oh, like some engineering stuff.
But it didn't happen.
He went to Florida instead.
Did he take you guys with him?
Well, I mean, we went down to Summertime.
Miami has tall buildings.
We went down to Summertime to Melbourne.
It was nice.
That's where I almost drowned.
To Melbourne?
Yeah, because my mom, like, my sandals came off and they were going in the ocean.
My mom was like, you better go get them.
And I was like, I can't swim.
She was like, well, you better get them or it's going to be a problem.
So I had to go in the ocean and try to get it.
Dog, you should write a book.
Yes.
Maybe I should.
I would read a...
I appreciate that.
Just like chronological order, every story you can remember.
Everything.
You'll have the exact dates for everything.
Hell yeah.
Like, that was 2014.
Is that a thing you can do?
Kinda.
Sometimes I get a year off or two maybe.
Sometimes.
Man, you all got a lot of talent in this room.
I got to say.
Sometimes.
That was...
That really was.
No, I just dropped out of school and then didn't join the Army.
That's my talent.
I was not doing stuff.
Okay, well, look.
So there's this program where we're doing this shit at work, right?
Okay.
If you put your picture in there, it tells you how to target this individual.
So it's going to tell you how to target, how to sell things to them.
Okay.
So they're going to tell you everything about you.
They're going to say what your religion is, what your political affiliation is.
And we got you right here.
Oh, no.
Can I read it too?
Yeah, go ahead.
Read it for her, please, Brett.
All right.
Is it recording?
Yes.
All right, let me double check.
Yes, it is.
Oh, I see his woman in Caucasian.
The image captures a young woman seated at a piano in what appears to be recording studio
or music studio in London, United Kingdom.
Her focus is directed towards the instrument with her hands positioned to play.
The background is dimly lit, adding a sense of intimacy and contraction to the scene.
A microphone stand is also seen suggesting a possible recording session.
The woman of Caucasian descent is estimated to be in her early 20s, earning between 20,000
and 40,000 annually.
That's crazy.
But it's in pounds.
Oh, they probably still write.
She's likely identified as agnostic and leans towards the Labour Party politically.
That's too European for me.
It says her expression conveys contentment and introspection.
She wears a floral dress beneath a leather jacket.
Her hobbies may include playing the piano and writing songs, balanced with excessive
online shopping, binge watching TV, and emotional eating.
Damn!
I know!
I was so skinny in that picture, but yes, I did.
Let's continue.
This solo young adult seems to lean towards artistic expression and introspection, hence
we can target with vintage and musical instrument products and services, such as piano tuning
kits, the piano supply, floral print apparel, Laura Ashley's independent music scene event
tickets, bands in town, online therapy platform BetterHelp, sheet music collection Hal Leonard,
fast fashion boohoo, fast delivery service, delivery rule, streaming service, and services,
Divne Plus.
How on the nose was it?
All right, so half of it's completely off.
But the things that hit, the BetterHelp, that was before I even found BetterHelp.
They would have helped me had we had AI back then.
I think it's beautiful that they can see that I can play the piano from me playing the piano.
That's so AI.
You weren't in London either, right?
No, I was in Carasota, Florida.
She just said she'd never been to Europe.
I haven't read any of these.
We have them for everyone.
In the middle of the street, not in a studio at all.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
I'm excited for this one.
Wait, how does it know Huntsville, Alabama?
Lucky guess.
That's my first question first and foremost.
What?
Lucky guess.
It tells you how it does.
Open the person's shirt because that's the ultimate Frisbee jersey that I stole.
That's crazy.
Let's go.
The scene unfolds in a modest bedroom, presumably in Huntsville, Alabama.
Evident from the text on the person's shirt, a lone individual stands seemingly preparing for some physical activity.
Various objects populate the background, a dresser, a shelf cluttered with items, a fan, and a bed.
The room is dimly lit, casting long, airy shadows that amplify the unsettling stillness.
What the fuck?
The light is on, dude.
Bitch, you lonely fuck.
The individual, a Caucasian man, appears to be in his late 20s.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Damn, man.
He like that?
He likely earns between $30,000 and $60,000 annually.
About $30,000 to $60,000 off.
To no specific religious doctrine.
Wow.
Leaning towards agnosticism.
His political views are independent.
Untethered to any major party, he is dressed casually in a t-shirt and plaid pants.
A headband, assent too lating, his determined expression, he enjoys ultimate frisbee, exercising, and watching documentaries, which is true.
But also indulges in social media binging, impulse buying, and procrastination.
Those are all true.
The individual seems to be health conscious, yet easily distracted.
We can target them with fitness related and entertainment products and services such as custom ultimate frisbee,
disc by discraft, high performance athletics by KT Kape Tape, discounted streaming services like Netflix, fast food delivery from DoorDash,
wireless noise canceling from Bose, energy gels from GU Energy Labs, home workout kits from Pell O'Tone,
and a subscription to ultimate frisbee instructional videos by the Ultimate Athlete Projects.
Do you disc golf?
I stole that from another man.
Down they got nothing on me.
They couldn't figure this dude out.
Is your face like on top of a green tree?
That's what I'm working.
You look like Gigacherry.
Oh man, okay, let's get started.
In the literal glow of a dimly lit establishment in Dallas, a solitary figure stands.
The individual likely in their mid-30s is a central focus bathed in disorienting hues.
The background reveals distinct, no, indistinct shapes and colors hitting at a bar or entertainment venue.
The foreground is stark, devoid of any distractions from the person.
I'd like to point out that they have not given Alex's gender.
I thought you said her.
Did I? Let me go back up.
Brandon said her. That's why I laughed.
Oh man, I may have did that by accident. I'm sorry.
They don't know what you are.
The individual appears to be of Southeast Asian descent.
Fuck back.
Damn AI. Their expression suggesting a sense of detachment.
Their estimate income range falls between $40,000 and $60,000.
They just gave him that because he got more because he's Asian.
I think so.
It is probably that they identify as agnostic and politically lean towards being independent.
They are clad in casual attire, a simple t-shirt and a cap, a multitude of emotions.
They seem to swirl within a sense of wisdom, wisdom, a hint of pensive-ness and underlying detachment.
Their potential hobbies are online gaming, binge watching TV series, nature, photography, excessive drinking,
doing scrolling and conspiracy theorizing.
This individual seems to exhibit a propensity for escapism and a suspect ability to target misinformation.
Therefore, we can tailor our market efforts towards niche and common products and services.
We can target ads such as limited edition VR headsets, conspiracy theory documentaries on Netflix,
high-end camera lenses, Sony, craft beer subscription box, Beer 52, emergency preparedness kits,
MyPatriot Supply, detox programs, curd outfit, luxury survival bunkers, Z-Bulks and streaming services.
Jesus Christ, it's so funny.
Luxury survival bunkers?
No, it's going to be bad.
I don't like how they...
Before I start, I see the money and I don't...
They made it pretty low for me.
But, alright, that's fucked up.
Okay, so...
Okay, let's get it started.
I like how they put African-American in the money in the same sentence.
Yeah, like in the foreground.
They went straight to it.
The individual, around 30 years...
Wow.
It's captured against a stark, monochromatic background.
The location appears to be a simple studio, possibly a home set up.
The subject...what the fuck?
The subject is alone, seemingly posing for a portrait.
They think you took this picture by yourself.
Okay, well, fuck them.
The identified African-American is estimated within an income of $20,000 to $40,000,
while everybody else had $60,000.
Their religious affiliation is most likely Christianity, which is true,
and they seem to lean towards the Democrat Party, which is true again.
How did they get it?
Wow.
They appear content wearing collared shirts.
Their hobbies may include watching movies, gaming, and cooking,
but they also show signs of gambling, social media addiction,
and impulsive shopping.
The individual seems to be easily influenced...
No, he doesn't say that.
Easily influenced and driven by instinct gratification.
Hence, we can target them with niche and general products and services,
such as custom gaming PCs, cyber power PCs, lottery tickets.
That's the racist shit I've ever heard in my life.
The fucking Powerball?
They said the Powerball Man, which is right.
It's just lottery tickets.
I've been doing that since I was five, but...
Torme popcorn by Opa, cooking classes by Sir Law Tables,
streaming service by Netflix, McDonald's would be his fast food,
smartphones by Samsung, and then credit cards, credit cards, capital one.
What the fuck?
That's crazy.
That's fucked up.
How did you know you were easily influenced from that bitch?
This is why Kanye tweeted all that shit.
He put a picture in here, he's like, fuck that, dude.
The Jews made this technology.
Oh, God.
Is this shit based off of actual shit, or is it based off of racist takes?
That's what the fuck I think.
That's what I'm wondering.
It's AI, so it's like, yeah.
It's realistic.
Real statistic.
Come on, man.
This Alexa, like...
Alexa just mad at me.
I'm just curious.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, yeah, that's what it's doing.
It's taking all the info.
This is the deep-seek AI.
This is wild.
Call me South American.
Damn, man.
Oh, mine, they said that I was a Puerto Rican, and they said that...
They said I was Catholic.
And they said that I had bad habits, like overeating, and I was like,
are you guys just calling me fat?
So all the stuff they targeted was food?
A fat Puerto Rican?
You think that dude that tried to kidnap me used this?
And he was like, maybe he likes gambling?
I don't think that man has a computer.
That's why you're going to Tennessee, dude.
Nah, I'm good.
I do actually want to...
We can drive over there real quick for the game.
Oh, yeah, we could.
Tennessee.
Well, the game that already happened.
Oh, yeah.
It's not about to happen.
What happened, Brady?
Could you...
I couldn't believe it.
I can tell you exactly what happened.
Who won?
I know who won.
With that play.
Right?
It was like when it came, and it was that play in the third quarter.
They had about five minutes.
We knew they were winning by the time.
By that time, yeah.
Then Pittsburgh came in, and how fucking...
What was that thing called?
What was that thing called that happened when the British were coming?
It was like that shit.
But Pittsburgh came in and fucked up everything.
I thought you were about to say what you said.
And fucked up everything.
Pittsburgh was number one.
And then Detroit came in and was like, nah, man, it was like WWE SummerSlam 1997.
Two teams that were not in the season at all.
Nah.
Came in and fucking won.
But you know we wish they were.
Isn't that right, yo?
I don't know.
You're talking weird.
I fucking loved it.
I'm talking to the camera right here.
I'm like, don't y'all wish?
No.
Because I know everybody wishes.
Isn't that right, Jack?
That's true.
You got the...
Yeah.
He got it.
What is that?
The Pittsburgh Steelers right there.
That hat?
Good Sprite Sativa hat.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
I'm not lying.
It's in the scene.
Well, he watched with me.
Oh, we see.
Holy shit.
So I got to ask you about this.
You've made three short films.
Oh my God.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Y'all went on IMDB.
First of all, you're on IMDB?
Let me see.
God.
The first one that I ever put on there, I think, it might have been one I did in 2014,
but the one I did in 2015 was like my buddy Alex White gave me the script and it was totally
based off of classic cinema, like psycho, real cop detective murder thriller thing.
It's called The Patient and that...
Oh, there it is.
Yeah, that actually showed at a film festival in New York City on Times Square.
And it was super cool.
I had a lot of fun making it.
The next year we did Amelia.
That was like a passion project that I couldn't believe I got people to help me create for
free.
I did find my actor on Tinder, my lead actor.
Really?
Yes.
Akorye White, who's been in movies with Viola Davis now and he's so incredible, so sweet.
He was a very promising football player.
I hope I'm not getting this wrong.
And then he was like, fuck it, I want to start acting.
He got signed by an agency in Atlanta and I found him on Tinder and I was like, I'm not
looking for a date, I'm looking for an actor.
And he was a professional actor and just getting started.
So I paid him $100 to be in my movie.
He did it.
That one also showed in New York because I have a fucking propensity for New York apparently.
And it was so cool.
The armor by Rachel in the Deep South, that was made by my, the director is Sarah Gamble.
She's now in LA working as a writer primarily and an assistant.
And it's all about growing up biracial in very rural Alabama.
Wow.
I need to see that.
Yeah, it's on Amazon Prime.
She grew up in Hawaii and then her parents, when she was around 10 years old I think,
they moved her to Troy, near Troy, Alabama.
And her dad was black, her mom was white.
Her kids.
Her dad was from Crenshaw County.
And so, by the time they moved back, dude, interracial marriage was still illegal in
Alabama.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
I don't think it changed until, it was in 1990 or 2000.
In the 90s?
You fucking with me?
It was either 1990 or 2000.
That's fucked up.
It's one of those.
Let me search this up.
I'm ashamed that I can't remember.
On the books, it was still illegal until 1990 or 2000.
It's gotta be 1990, you'd hope.
It's gotta be the legalest hill here for a long time.
I would have never even came down here.
It's crazy.
And they chose to move back here and he was like, well, things must have gotten better
in the time that we've been gone.
2000?
Yeah, 2000.
Even worse than I thought.
I tried to give it the better of a doubt and I was wrong.
That's fucking insane.
It's always worse than you think it is.
I cannot believe that.
Man.
2000?
Hell no, man.
It's a beautiful doc.
I was just an editor on it and she told her story so beautifully.
Definitely give it a watch.
The hell yeah.
That's sad, man.
Fucked up.
Go back, go back.
Is that the last?
Do you think there was one that was more recent than Alabama?
Slavery in Mississippi.
Maybe.
What's that?
I'm pretty sure that's like crazy, weirdly recent.
It's illegal.
Well, it just depends on what kind of people you put in there.
If it's prisoners, then it's perfectly legal.
Some people are hiding doing that and you're fucked up.
So you like can direct and do all that shit?
Yeah, I kind of lost my passion for it because I started doing a bunch of paid gigs and music
videos and now I do wedding videography and I just don't really care to tell that kind
of story.
I have been working on a feature screenplay for years, almost a decade now.
One day I want to sell it, but I don't want anything to do with it other than a little
acting role in it.
Let them have the whole thing, change the script.
I don't give a shit.
I just want the paycheck and an acting credit.
Take my baby and kill it.
I don't care.
So the wedding, doing the weddings, my boy does it and he hates it.
Yeah.
Does it make you lose your passion doing that?
Because it's always the same?
It's already been done.
Oh, okay.
I have to say though, the weddings, it's uniquely happy.
Even the ones that the parents are fighting or whatever, I'm the one manufacturing it
being a beautiful moment.
So all I'm seeing is I'm cutting out all the bullshit and I just see this beautiful moment
happening and I always catch myself smiling while I'm editing.
That's kind of cool.
It is cool.
That's how I feel in a podcast.
Yeah, I fucking love it.
Great job.
Great, good, great, good, great, good.
I cut out mom and dad already.
Wait, your voice that you used to prank call Brandon.
It's my grandma.
Hey, baby.
I knew that had to be big for an actual person because I was like, this is too good.
On the wedding thing, my boy was taking pictures and when they sit in the chair and take the,
what's the thing called?
The women have one already.
The garter belt.
What's it called?
The garter belt.
Yeah, taking the garter belt and they had these little flimsy white chairs and the bride
was plus size and it exploded the chair.
And so D-Lo's taking the picture because he's going ta ta ta ta ta.
But I'm talking about before, while it was happening, so he has the picture for her and
you could just see everybody in the back like, oh shit.
Like gradually going like, oh shit.
Like when the towers collapse.
Like oh fuck.
But they're like, there's more than, way more than, how's that 80% are laughing.
You know, for like doing the thing where you're like that.
That could destroy relationships if you sent that to them.
Like why the fuck did you laugh at me?
Oh yeah.
And then one of the people was like telling him, hey the camera guy got a picture of that.
So he's like, wow, I was already taking pictures.
Damn.
Did you see it?
Yeah, I see it.
Hell yeah.
He's like, he can't sit down because he's waiting for somebody because he was like,
it was filming this moment so he knows that there's a whole bunch of film about it, but
nobody has released it.
I guess everybody's really good friends.
I would have loved to have seen the video.
Yeah, that's, I mean that's five million on Instagram.
Yeah, easy.
Easy.
I'm gonna play that into a Draft Kings ad.
That's more than.
That's 1500 just so cruel comments, man.
Yeah.
That'll beat the tornado siren guy.
What?
You guys know what's that guy?
I know exactly.
I was watching him earlier.
I saw one where he was like, he was acting like he was dancing and he got chased by like
all these like gorillas and shit, but he wasn't because he was just running back.
No, I'm telling you.
It's a guy that looks terrible and he makes tornado siren noises.
I love him.
I have a feeling.
Oh, you're talking about friends.
I know exactly who he is.
I love that guy.
With the big teeth.
I subscribe.
Yeah.
I know who you're talking about.
I want to meet him.
Cause he go, like tornado sirens.
How they do it?
He go, yeah.
Yeah.
That's what they do to your arms.
Oh shit.
Sorry.
Just natural, man.
I'm a fan.
Okay.
I imitate this guy.
And I love this guy, man.
I want his autograph.
Oh God.
Like man, I bet you have to do a longer tornado siren.
No, no.
Not going to do it now.
Just shit.
Mess up the cameras.
Cause you know that voice, that voice, the way he does it, it's like a tornado siren.
You can break some windows for that shit.
It's kind of like Freddie Mercury.
He would never get his teeth fixed because he was like some kind of octave.
What are they called?
It might change his voice.
Yeah.
What's the idea?
He's like, he has a high tier octave.
He's got a very wide range.
Lots of octaves.
I don't know.
So that's probably why he won't fix his teeth either.
He doesn't want to lose that sound.
His manager told him not to.
Yeah, manager let down.
Say Michael Strahan.
Yeah man, teeth are like signature, man.
That's why I never fix my gap, you know?
I have a gap too, man.
I like my gap.
You ever whistle while you talk?
I used to do that whole thing.
Oh my God, I have horrible feelings.
I can whistle so good.
Do it.
What you want me to whistle?
Oh, uh.
Sweet Georgia Brown.
I don't know nothing about that.
Mary had a little, uh, I don't know.
The whistle part from sitting on the dock of the bay.
There you go.
Oh, no, hold on.
Hey.
Okay, there we go.
I can whistle, man.
I know how to whistle.
You got to be able to whistle.
Yeah.
You're better than most of the karaoke singers I have.
They're like, what song is that?
Thank you.
Oh God, those characters.
Oh man.
Oh yeah.
But you guys got some great ones.
They're incredible.
Yeah.
I love them.
Yeah.
Moody's is the shit.
I got to start going more.
I love Moody's.
I'm coming to the mic this week.
Hey.
Tuesday.
Hell yeah.
I guess I'm coming to the mic.
I'm coming to the mic.
Yeah.
I guess I'm coming to then.
I guess I'll go.
I think you should try to make J. Dick come on Tuesday.
Yeah, Moody's a fun guy.
Sing karaoke.
No, the bike.
Oh yeah.
If you want to save yourself to the next knockout, I would respect that, but it would be nice
to have you.
I'll tell some jokes.
I haven't written any.
I've been really busy.
Bring out the classics.
We don't know the difference.
I was vintage.
Ooh, vintage JJ.
Can't do it now with this car.
I'm administration that we have things are too dicey now.
Nah, I think you can get away with anything.
I can't become a full blown Republican.
I might become too powerful.
I do that.
You should have fucking rated the Capitol, man.
And then you could have said whatever you want on stage.
Yeah, dude, that would have been sick.
Imagine if I was there.
I mean, I'll do political correspondence.
I'll do political correspondence.
I'll do political correspondence at the Capitol next time they do it because it'll happen.
Once he gets to leave office and he doesn't get to stay a third term.
You don't understand how low running in two years is, JJ.
We're running for office at the midterms.
I'm ready, dude.
How old do you have to be, a senator or a House of Representatives is 25.
You think you're going for fucking senator, House of Representatives?
Yeah, Alabama House of Representatives.
He's going to be the corner.
Oh, damn it.
And then you're going to be a game warden.
There you go.
Game warden would be insane, dude.
Alex, I'm sorry.
I'd have to put a lot of your people away.
Damn, bro.
They tried, dude.
Lots of buckets of bullfog.
Damn, man.
That's wild.
Nobody else wanted out of the river, dude.
You'll be seen as racist.
You're like the Dark Knight.
You'll be seen as racist.
We really needed you.
You're stuff covered.
Damn, man.
Sorry, this species is about to go extinct.
We're about to lose it forever, dude.
On a good note, you guys want to do a fortune cookie?
Oh, yeah.
We had a Chinese food order.
Yeah, look at that.
This is making stuff good.
We don't want to get rid of these.
Y'all know how to host.
I got to say, I got to say, this is great.
Everybody get a little fortune.
These are good, the good kind, too.
The thick kind.
Ooh, the nice and thick kind.
That's what's up, man.
I don't like it.
Yeah.
Nice and thick.
What do we do?
We got to pull it out.
Oh, shit.
Hold up.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're passing me a day.
Oh, and it's in English.
If you don't eat it, it won't come true, dude.
All right.
From the garden.
I'll read mine.
From the garden of dreams, many things will blossom.
Hell, yeah.
Mine says your sensitivity is an asset.
What can that mean?
It's sexual.
You never know.
I'll tell you that.
It could.
Mine says follow your honest beliefs to stay strong.
Mine says...
I don't think you need to switch that with someone else.
I don't think your honest beliefs are going to help anyone.
People are naturally attracted to you.
Shut the fuck up.
That's what it says.
We're trained.
Not true.
Naturally.
What did I say?
I thought you said nah.
I was like, what kind of fucking fortune could it be?
It would be a Dante misfortune cookie player.
Hell, yeah.
I got a financial investment will yield returns beyond your wildest hopes.
That's over the fucking top.
I dig that.
And then my numbers are 2, 15, 6, 38, 39, 25.
Jack, what you got?
I got Look Around.
Happiness is trying to catch you.
Hell, yeah.
I can pull to Brandon.
Yeah, I am trying to catch you.
He's trying to catch you too.
Happiness.
We'll go together.
All right.
That ghostly Muhammad Ali right here means it's the end of the podcast.
Anything that you got coming up, anything you want to promote, where they can find you?
February 22nd, I'll be in Gadsden for a Comics Against Humanity show.
I'm excited about that.
Yeah, we'll be there.
Hell, yeah.
Isn't that nice?
Yeah, not JJ.
Next month, March.
I'll be in Fort Benning.
Shit.
Send us pics.
Next month, Homegrown.
Hell, yeah.
And then I got an apartment show this Thursday.
So let's go.
Hope those residents have fun.
Hell, yeah.
Hope.
Thank you so much for coming on.
This was amazing.
This was really, really fun.
I had fun with you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you for the gifts.
Thank you for being good towards us.
That was dope.
I tried to be nice a little bit.
Brandon almost cried.
So many emotions happened at the same time.
He was dancing with that dog.
I wanted to trauma bond with you guys.
It was a tarantula.
I came out of nowhere.
I was like, oh, this is like a jewelry box Dior?
No.
Nobody's going to be prepared for that.
And it looked like it moved.
I swear I thought it was going to crawl.
It did crawl.
I thought it was going to crawl on me.
And I would have died.
I would have been like, JJ, I need your help.
I'm sorry, man.
I can't.
I got my own problems over here, man.
I got the same thing.
You had spider-sense astingling, didn't you?
Because I could tell right there earlier you should be.
As soon as I got the printer, God was telling me.
You're afraid to kill us all, except for me.
There's a weapon aspiring against you.
You want to kill me, right?
Because I'm scared just like you.
I would have shot and tried not to hit you.
I know.
You would have told me to get out.
That's why Dom got the normal gift, because he was the only one that wasn't scared.
She could have brought a real one, and then I would have let her crawl in.
Oh, you crazy.
You could have put a job application in Dom.
I don't mess with those, man.
It's like you tell me, but I work 40 hours a week, by the way.
Some of them are cool, but I don't mess with those, Tran.
Oh, yeah, you were a higher income ranger than me.
No, I wasn't.
Oh, yeah, you had broken things.
See if it tries again.
Hold on, let's see.
When I walked in and saw the names of the tabs, I got very concerned.
I was just like, this is multiple, they see your photos.
I was like, what the fuck are we about to do?
I was like, I'm just Trump and EY.
I uploaded every episode of ChatGPT.
All right, guys, we're out.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you, Hope.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, Scrappy Dude.