This week on Clown College.
I tell you, I probably was in like the 20s or 30s.
I probably did like boxing matches.
Then like after I retired, I started working on six fights and would go like total, sometimes
I would tap to like, you know, being like a crooked type, but also not that crooked.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I probably did not box at Hall of Fame and probably died around 1985.
Welcome to Clown College.
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Let's all go to Clown College baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
If I go down, get the f*** out of my house.
I don't care.
I just say, oh no, he groomed me and you get to live in my house.
Oh hell no.
Get the f*** out of my house.
I'm the greatest kicker of all time.
Yeah, it's a good response.
66 yards.
I'm the first black quarterback to take Clemson to the net.
Hell yeah.
Also can't go into massage parlors with my boy over here.
You know that's probably why Justin Tucker had, he was the worst kicker in the league
this year.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
So he knew this s*** was coming.
The mental stress.
I don't think he knew it was coming.
I think it was more like the mental stress.
He was doing it on the road.
He's trying to make a kick.
He's like, fuck, I came on that lady's hand last night.
Or he couldn't be.
Brandon, you got to be the, what's it called?
Advocate, what's the thing called?
Control group?
No, you're taking the other side of the-
The Devils advocate.
I didn't say the advocate, I think.
I thought you were trying to get your advocates.
How old is he?
You got to play devil's advocate to this.
So what does that mean?
I'm on his side or something?
On the other side.
You on Justin Tucker's side.
So I'm pretending like I'm on his side.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm not really on his side.
But I'm pretending.
Just saying, because-
Just for the sake of the argument.
Okay, I got you.
All right, cool.
So what you have to do is say that you're okay with forcing yourself sexually on massage
professionals.
Well, first of all, I don't like massage professionals.
I'm just saying-
I'm sorry, I'm just making sure people know that I don't fuck with massage professionals.
I don't mess with them.
Why?
What they do?
Man, they make me mad sometimes.
Come look at them.
Massages?
Yeah.
Like, fuck you, touch my penis.
Yeah, no, I'm talking about Happy Ends because it's just, I see too many videos where people
are like, hey man, we're going to go get a massage.
My wife says, I'll be right back.
And then this dude come over here and be like, oh, let me rub all over there and rub all
over that.
But hold on, flip it.
You are going in for a massage and they rubbing you.
He's like, yeah, let me pretend like I'm on that shit.
Let me pretend.
Let's pretend.
Yeah, you gotta pretend.
He's getting bricked up.
The table just moved up a little bit.
It looks like he's doing one of those crump moves with the table.
You can tell, like with Brandon, it's like a kid when they start shitting.
You can tell when he gets horny.
He's just like, a vein pops.
He's on manual mode, man.
He's on manual mode.
You know what's crazy?
What's up?
That is some true shit.
I do have a big ass vein that scares the fuck out of me.
Where?
There.
In your head?
Oh, your penis?
Oh yeah, on the head.
No.
Other penis?
No.
Other penis?
It looks like, it makes it look like a fucking, like a lightning strike.
Like a twin snake.
Oh yeah.
On the head of your penis?
Yeah, it's kind of scary.
You got a vein on your head?
Okay, wait, I take that back, not the head, it's like how your arm looks muscular and
you got that, it's kind of like that.
Like a vein.
But is it on the arm?
Yeah.
Okay, look at my arm.
Is it on the wrist, the elbow, or is it on the palm to knuckle?
Thankfully it's right here.
That's the shit.
That's the shaft.
That shaft's scary.
Don't be afraid of that.
That's gonna work in your favor.
It looks like it's gonna explode.
That's the cholesterol.
Is it?
That's the blood.
Is this Claviclegestin?
Hey, they did say my blood pressure.
They did say it was 180, so.
Hell yeah.
So, hopefully that's not too bad.
What?
Oh, they said my blood pressure was like 180.
You're close to death.
Is that good?
No, it's terrible.
What's the average blood pressure?
Healthy blood pressure.
What's that?
What's the healthy blood pressure?
I think that's like a past blood pressure.
No, I like Claviclegestin.
It's probably super low.
That's just travel so far.
It's on Nosferatu.
120 over 80.
So, you sure they didn't say 120 over 80?
No, she said like legit 180 and made me redo it.
180 over what though?
I think it was over like 60 or something.
I don't think it mattered.
Major redo it and then what happened?
Yeah, because they said it was like too high and then when they redid it thankfully it
said 136 and she was like, okay.
Oh, okay.
No, you probably didn't have your arm elevated.
Yeah, you probably freaked out.
You probably had your leg crossed.
She was like, you probably had your leg crossed.
You probably had a furry porn.
She was like, you probably stressed out.
You rubbed your nipples in the car.
She was like, you probably stressed out.
Yeah.
You were stressed out?
Probably was.
I don't know.
You were stressed?
Probably, yeah, because we were talking.
I even remember she was talking.
She was like, you do anything?
I was like, well, I did so I bumped back on it.
She was like, oh, that's expected.
You bumped back on it.
That's when you got stressed.
Wait, what happened?
I got stressed.
You said you got stressed.
I didn't get stressed.
I said stressed.
Yeah, you were stressed out.
I was stressed out.
Like, stretch arms stretched.
Nobody's stretching Brandon out.
OK.
I like how you said nobody but me.
I like how he was commanding power back over.
He said nobody is stretching Brandon out.
Nobody's stretching me.
I'm a new man.
That chapter's over.
Eye control me.
Ah, man.
What does stressed out mean, everybody?
Huh?
Did I say something, Brandon?
I've been watching your style.
I like how you've been going for more polo shirts.
Thank you, man.
I feel like it's been since like that whole family reunion.
The barbecue.
Family barbecue.
Yeah.
We was like, Brandon got that cool uncle vibe.
You know what?
You right.
He did declare it.
He was like, I'm going to start dressing like this.
I thought he was playing.
No, I'm serious, man.
But now I like it.
Thank you.
Get your own little identity.
He wears denim shorts.
Fastened identity.
Yeah, cut off right here.
Oh, you wear cut off?
He wore that same sweater that he wore to the.
Oh, for real?
Yeah.
With the denim shorts that he put over here and then like church shoot.
And now I got a new sweater.
That's a daisy.
No, it's a daisy.
Nigga, you wore some daisy dukes and church shoes.
Yeah, man.
You a god.
You a wild boy.
I love it.
Now I got like a manned cardigan kind of sweater.
What's a manned cardigan?
It's just a cardigan.
I got a cardigan.
Grand cardigan.
Okay.
I would've worn it, but it was hot today.
You dress like a freaky civil rights leader.
Yes, I do.
You dress like Mara Luther King's libido.
Be like, instead of Malcolm X, be like Malcolm VI.
Is that what it is?
Is that what you want to do?
No.
Yeah, come on.
Let's make a civil rights porno.
Let's make a civil rights porn movie.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, everybody.
Okay, who's the main character?
Is it Brandon?
I think it has to be me.
Well, I'm talking about you.
You already guessed.
You do have to be.
You do have to be the General Lee, though.
Oh, yeah, of course.
You know, you come in there, you bust up the family, and then you bang the wife.
Okay, you know what?
I'm out now.
That's crazy.
No, I can't.
True story about sci-fi.
I can't watch porn where a white guy is banging a black woman.
Oh, I can't.
I don't watch with black women, so.
Oh, wow.
Alex Vierio.
I know you do.
You don't either.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I did, back then.
He's a changed man.
But you can pretend like the white dude is a ghost and he's not even really there.
I don't know, bro.
Especially with the whites.
They make less noises.
I grew up with a lot of like self, like Afro-centric parents, you know what I'm saying?
So it's like, nah, brother, I ain't down with this.
My ferricon almost starts to come out.
My heart is beating.
My umar Johnson.
Remember how Dragon Ball Z had the fusion dance?
It's ferricon and umar Johnson fusing together.
What are you going to do when Charles Hood rolls through with the baddest black girl
you've ever seen in your life?
It's going to happen.
Oh, man.
It will happen.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I don't know.
I like him.
Yeah.
I like Charles too.
Hey, it ain't nothing I can say.
Hey, he got it.
He gots the juice for it.
He got it.
He does.
They will eat him up.
I'm rooting for him, dude.
Me too.
I was hanging out yesterday.
We were over here yesterday and then I realized that Alex is taller than Charles.
By like a couple inches.
But in my mind it will never.
It doesn't make sense.
I was like, dad, Charles is a little guy.
No.
But he packs a big punch.
You know about it.
No.
I don't think I do.
I think you do.
Nah, I'm good.
I don't want to know.
That's for whoever that lady you were talking about to find out.
Huh?
You guys said he's going to pull up with the best one of them all one day.
I was like, that's for her to find out when she appears, whenever.
Out of the mist.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, I don't like how your sunglasses say body glove on the side of them.
I don't like that brand.
That's what these jeans are.
Oh.
You got the Sean John's on, dude.
Hell yeah, man.
I was showing him the Sean John metallic.
First of, I don't like how many jumps that took.
These are your glasses first.
They're mine.
Now I'm really pissed.
Well, I'm going to go to Roscoe Ray-Nathans.
Oh, yeah.
Shout out to Roscoe Ray-Nathans.
I like them though, man.
Like the Usos, man.
Like J. Usos.
You know?
That's wrestling?
Hell yeah.
Dude, let me tell you, hold on, I'll show you.
Brandon, what was my character's name?
Clyde Elroy.
Clyde Elroy, right?
Something.
How did you do that?
Yeah.
We made fun of him so much.
Let me slide.
You see, look right there.
You see with the yeet.
Uh-huh.
Just the yeet.
Who the fuck is that guy on the left?
Oh, that's Gunther.
His name is Gunther.
That guy looks like the Eastern European taxi driver from Nathan For You.
That's Commandos.
That's Commander Gunther.
Commander Gunther?
Yeah, look at this.
They be making black people call him Commander.
Hold on, look at that slap.
Look at that.
His slap's one of the most powerful.
Yo, this is gonna sound weird.
I feel like wrestlers are getting more and more achievable bodies.
Yeah.
Because when I was a kid, everybody was just.
Jacked up.
Yeah.
But they started having heart attacks.
Because the thing is, they don't want to give up the cocaine.
And if you're doing steroids, you're not gonna get the cocaine.
And they're like, I'm not gonna give up the cocaine.
We can make a big deal out of it.
We know the significance.
We can continue on.
I just want everybody at home watching this to know
that we are hard to go out to the indigenous.
I acknowledge.
Me too.
Say I acknowledge.
I acknowledge.
What the fuck is going on?
Do you acknowledge our side?
We don't tell you what you have to do,
but you know, I think that's only right.
You know.
You didn't just hear that speech?
I did hear the speech.
That trailer tears.
Did you acknowledge or no?
I acknowledge.
That we are on stolen indigenous land.
The Indian Removal Act of 1831.
I don't know what it says,
but I'm pretty sure Native Americans were here.
So yeah, I guess I acknowledge it.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Let me put the applause.
And that's what we do.
Let's have a moment of silence real quick.
Five seconds, guys.
And I'll add some Indian.
Thank you.
Okay, you know what?
Longer than five seconds.
Let's be quiet and be dramatic.
Anybody want to shed a tear?
Yeah.
Just one singular one?
Yes.
What about a trail of them?
Oh damn.
I'm sorry.
I was inducted into the Akioa tribe, so.
Were you really?
Of course.
Congratulations.
I was always an eagle feather.
Hell yeah.
For real?
Yeah.
Oh.
Hell yeah.
Congratulations.
Heck yeah.
It's not what they say, man.
Amen.
Nah, they don't say that, definitely not.
What does Xun Yin say?
Who is that?
Xun Yun.
The cult?
They say China before communism.
China before communism.
I always see that things like around town,
and then somebody's like,
you know, that's like a religious cult.
Yeah.
Hmm.
It's like Crown of Bullets.
But I thought they do performances, so.
Oh yeah, I've seen that.
Who the fuck are y'all talking about?
You never seen that?
Those dancers, those dancers at the BBC.
They just got Chinese, like a group.
Type it in.
Xun Yin, how do you smell it?
Fuck, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm messed up.
I think it's okay if you fuck up a cult's man.
How do you say that?
S-H-E-N.
Shit, I fucked up.
Okay.
Okay, she's gorgeous.
Good cult.
Now let's find out.
S-H-E-N, I think.
S-H-E-N.
There we go.
You never seen this, Dom?
I have no, I never seen this at all.
It's crazy, it's at all the restaurants you like.
I do, you know?
Yeah.
Right by the road.
With the whole score between 80 and 87.
You're all there, dude.
Candy in a bowl.
What is this, though?
What do they do?
It's a religious cult.
Yeah, but they do a cult of investing, you know?
Through these performance dances.
Oh, okay, okay.
Xun Yin coin is through the roof.
So we were just talking about this.
My goal, one of us has to infiltrate some kind of group.
Or a cult.
A cult will be the best.
It will be more dangerous.
But I'm talking about get up in there.
Let's get back to do the cult.
Pat would, I mean, he probably would be the best
because he doesn't listen.
He doesn't listen to anything anybody else says.
He'll be there the whole time,
won't know what's going on.
You don't have to tell him.
You don't have to tell him what you're doing.
You just push him next to somebody who's in a cult
and then let the mixed in just do it.
He's just gonna start agreeing to things.
They gotta have good grub though.
Yeah.
If they have shit food, he's not staying.
Good grub and a place to stay and some money in his pocket.
If they do that for him at first.
He was right.
Yeah.
Okay, so you're trying to enter a cult.
I wanna enter a cult or some kind of group.
Or a Scientology.
Yeah, that's the, I mean, God.
I don't think they're gonna let Pat in.
I'm gonna be a loose dude.
No, he.
I don't wanna let Brandon do Scientology.
No, don't do it.
Yeah, don't do it.
They'll grab you so fast.
I'm stuck around and be in that shit.
We know.
Yes.
Yeah.
They would make you into a Zenith.
I would be.
Man, I'd probably be a top dog up in there, man.
I'd be like, oh man, these people.
You'll be a dog alright.
Oh no, no.
They'll have you on Tom Cruise's lap.
Oh no, see once that happens, I gotta quit.
You'll be doing Will Smith's cuticles and shit.
Oh no, I gotta go.
You can't quit because you signed a billion year contract.
Oh, I thought you said billion dollar, billion years.
Billion year contract.
But it's only a billion.
No man, that's too much.
Do they keep your body or your soul for a billion?
I think it's.
The soul.
Because you come back.
They believe you come back, so you got all these lifetimes
you gotta give it to them for a billion.
Oh no man, you ain't getting my soul.
We're made up of a bunch of people
who have also been lifetimes.
No.
Patons.
Who are you in your past life?
I've heard of that.
Tom Cruise is level eight Paton.
I was probably white in the past life.
I had to be a white.
I had to be a white guy.
It's too, I don't know, a chaotic white dude.
Like crazy Florida energy, but I don't know.
Eastern European.
Yeah.
I can see you being like an Estonian guy.
Ooh, where's Estonia?
It's something like Russia.
It's like Western Russia.
Like, okay, okay.
They're pretty much.
Are they a violent people?
Eh.
The Balkans is always kinda, they get rowdy.
Yeah, okay.
I don't know if they're violent in particular.
I think everybody in the country
has issued a broken beer bottle.
Hell yeah.
Broken beer bottle.
Countries like that create strong women.
Yeah.
Strong women are.
I don't think I was ever,
I think I was white every time.
Really?
Yeah, I believe that.
I don't think there was ever any.
You are a pure, pure white.
And it's not because I'm trying to be that way.
Yeah, no.
I just happen to be like,
can you even tan?
I get real red and then I'll tan after that,
but not a lot.
Okay.
Well, your fingers let you like
type in world star hip hop.
It's a good question.
No, it just always pops up.
And then I go, ha ha ha.
What about you, Brendan, who were you?
Yeah, that's a good question.
But I could tell you,
I probably was in like the 20s or 30s.
I probably did like boxing matches.
Then like after I retired,
I started working on six fights.
And would go like total,
sometimes I would tap to like,
being like crooked type shit,
but also not that crooked.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Probably getting out of Boxer Hall of Fame
and probably died around 1985.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Hold on, did you have kids?
Did I have kids?
Yeah.
Yes.
A wife?
Yes.
What was your kid's names?
Okay, so I guess one,
his name could be Richard.
And then his last,
Richard, so.
Do you think his last name?
I like your Callaway,
because I'm probably somewhat related to Callaway.
So you got Richard Callaway.
Okay.
You got Louise Callaway.
Okay.
And then you got Sean Callaway.
Who's Sean Callaway?
Sean Callaway is my third son.
Because I have two boys and one girl.
So there's a boy,
your third son,
two boys, one girl.
Two boys, one girl.
Richard, Richard Callaway,
Louise Callaway,
and Sean Callaway?
Yes.
Okay, what's your wife's name?
My wife's name,
her name is,
who, what?
Grace.
Grace Callaway.
We met after a fight one time
when I had like a tough loss.
And I was like,
fuck man, I'm gonna lose all my money.
No, no, no.
I'm not the referee,
I'm the fighter.
I won the championship.
He was a fighter turn promoter,
and you started fixing fights,
but not in a real bad way.
And at first they were talking to me about it,
because I low key worked in the mafia.
So then I was like,
okay.
Low key, you were the muscle.
Yes.
Got you.
So like I.
They called you Knuckles.
Yeah, well, no, not Knuckles.
They be like,
yo man, Brandon,
we need you to take care of him.
Oh, that's your question, Brandon.
My name was like, oh man, dude, who's Rick?
Did I already say Richard to one of my viewers?
Yeah.
Who was that?
Fuck, then my name's gonna be Rick.
You need to be Richard Senior.
And what they gonna tell you?
They be like, Rick what?
They be like, Rick the stick,
we need you to do this.
Why they call you Rick the stick?
Rick the stick,
because he had the big stick.
That's why.
Oh!
Yes he does.
He got the big stick?
Yeah.
With the name on the side.
You could just be Richard Senior.
Why do you think that Grace got with Rick
after he lost that match?
Because he was swinging a big stick.
Yes he was, man.
And then he came back stronger than ever,
and won the championship.
But in 1985, sadly Grace and the son Richard
come into the room and see him shot in the bathtub.
Who the fuck shot Rick?
Who shot Rick?
Well, a guy that came back to give him revenge.
Who?
What did he do to him?
Well, because he killed his dad in 1957 in a mob fight.
Oh my God.
So it was like a fixed fight?
It's Godfather, Spider-Man, and Rocky.
Yeah, but basically it was like,
it was a fight in like a casino that he owned.
And he, over like dice, man.
He was like, man, you can't do that shit.
He was like, shut up, nigga.
Shot him straight in the stomach.
Damn.
In the stomach?
Yeah, he was black, man.
He was south like that.
I thought you were white this whole time.
No, he wasn't white.
I thought he was Korean.
No, he's black.
Don't ever change.
Thank you, man.
Don't ever change.
Thank you, man.
You let that mind run free.
Yeah, no, that was premeditated.
He's thought about that.
Oh, and there's no way.
Numerous times.
If you did it.
I don't think so.
I think he's that majestic.
And his parents, very poor people.
Yeah, where did he come from?
Where did he come from?
He came from poor parents that worked on this shop.
I mean, like what area?
What area?
I guess like New York, early 1900s.
Early 1900s, New York.
Like 1910, 1920.
State of New York or New York City?
Probably New York City, like near the docks or something.
Oh shit.
Probably, and he was born in 1897.
Straight from LS.
1897, he died in 1985.
Yes.
Okay.
But not by old age, but by being shot.
No, he got shot in the head in his bathtub butt naked.
Shot in the head, butt naked.
Butt naked.
Because he earned that right.
He's in his 90s.
And his children come in and see him butt naked.
Yeah, damn.
Pocket booty naked.
That's the price you pay with crime.
Yes, sir.
Hey, it's a message to the kids.
Did he go to heaven?
Probably not, man.
He did some fucked up shit, man.
So you say he deep fried.
He would've definitely, yeah.
So he went to hell, that's why he came back as you.
Oh damn, man.
No, see, I'm in second chance.
Okay.
Oh, is that why you're so pure?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, he was only in there for a little bit.
I'm done with that.
No more of that, man.
There was no reason to do all that shit, man.
Yeah.
Fucked up.
But if you could do it now, you probably would.
Nah, man, he'd go to jail.
But if you didn't, he'd go to jail.
If you could've been scot-free.
Did you rig the podcast system
to get us to win?
Get us to win, hell yeah.
Thank you, brother.
Wouldn't even second guess that.
He's like, oh, that's what y'all talking about?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm doing that.
Will you take out Tony Hinchcliffe for us?
No.
I wouldn't touch him.
I don't want his affliction, yes.
I would like him to like me.
That's such a sweet thing to say.
That is such a sweet thing to say.
That's like the SNL skit.
I would like him to like me.
He would.
I'm telling you, Brandon, you know he's coming here
in Nashville, kill Tony, if you get on that stage,
I don't think there's a chance you'll leave him.
How much is it?
You don't have to pay?
No, you just sign up.
Sign up?
They gonna put you on a baby, Bjorn.
What's that?
It's one of those things moms and dads put their babies in.
We should.
Baby just holds us.
We should have you in like a leash or something.
I thought you said you were gonna get him on baby Birkin.
Baby leg.
Like a bag just pimp Brandon out.
Oh damn.
Put him in the nicest clothes.
Hell yeah.
Get him designer handbags.
Pull out like a fucking cane and shit.
Oh, you want a cane?
Hell yeah, I want a cane.
We should get you some spurs.
We should get you some Stacey Adams.
On your church too.
Oh, that's what you need, some Stacey Adams.
And those glasses.
Like a thrift store, man.
Those glasses too?
These glasses?
Hell yeah.
You need something more classic.
What like P.D. glasses?
No, think of something more innocent.
More innocent, alright.
Yellow lenses.
Rose lenses.
Cause that's how he sees life.
Rose.
Yeah, why the fuck would that?
I do.
I thought he was about to be like,
and Rose was my mistress.
Nicknames growing up, Brandon?
Blowjob Willie?
Come on, why you gotta?
Yeah, that was it.
Blowjob Willie?
Sadly, because my name is Brandon Joshua Willis,
so people are like BJW.
That's what I have them saved as in my phone.
Yeah.
Oh, that's for, oh my God.
They used to do that to me in fourth grade.
Oh, he didn't call you Blowjob?
Hold on, no, he ain't playin'.
I'm dead ass serious, I used to be like yo.
There's some innocent behind that.
You see how he said this, I got scared.
I used to be like yo man,
cause people would be like, BJW.
I'm gonna call you Blowjob Willie.
I was like man, fuck you.
Like that shit was crazy, man.
I remember they used to do that all the time.
How long did that happen for?
Till probably like seventh grade.
Damn.
From what grade to seventh grade?
Fourth to seventh.
Fourth to seventh, just solid through a year.
Yeah, and people was like,
ah, Blowjob Willie.
And that's what they called you every time.
Yeah, that's why I changed it to just BW that year.
I was like okay, it's not BJW, it's just BW.
Blowjob Willie.
I didn't change it.
Huh?
Oh, just BW, like I would write BW instead of BJW,
cause like when I was a kid, I would always put BJW,
cause I was like, BJ, like DJ.
Oh, just like whenever I write my initials.
Yeah, I know those are your initials,
but what are you writing it on?
Oh, I forgot it was like assignments and stuff.
Like if they were like.
You didn't write your name out?
No, I would, but if they were ever like,
write your initials, I would always do it like that.
Sometimes people write their initials.
Did they ask you to do that a lot?
Couple times.
Like I mean, the craziest thing that we did in fourth grade
was just where that lady would try to make you
draw on a straight line.
And they'd get mad at you.
And be like, damn man, no,
you're supposed to get it on the line.
Like you have to draw on the line.
Cause I would like draw,
and it would look like a rainbow kinda.
You know what I mean?
Cause it would raise up.
It would look all rigid.
So strange.
And then they made me read to some old dude.
To an old man.
Yeah.
Do you remember what kind of book it was about?
Or like.
I don't even remember man.
It's been so long ago.
Then they had them AR reading shits,
and I'd never get into it.
I used to hate that.
Cause you know what they would do to people
that never got in?
They would make you sit and watch them on the TV
getting their awards and shit.
Why you didn't get shit.
Oh.
Cause you weren't smart enough.
They like, oh man,
he didn't read a good ass book like they did.
They read.
How many books did you have to read?
Man, you just had to like,
what you have to do is take an AR test.
And if you did good on the AR test,
after you read the books,
then you get to go to a party
and get celebrated and shit like that.
You got AR points.
Yeah, I remember AR reading.
Yeah.
But you have everybody had to do a certain amount of points
for the quarter.
Ours was like the top people.
You had point like a longer books,
more like harder books to read.
They were worth more points.
And you take the quiz on the computer afterwards
and you stack up points in your little like account.
And then like the top, whatever got to go to a party.
Yeah.
That's why I read all the Harry Potter books.
Cause you could just have to read one.
Don was like, pizza.
I never read that.
Give me this great eggs and ham shit.
I guess it's time to learn how to read.
That's how they made you tougher though, I feel like.
Cause they don't do that to kids these days.
Like everybody gets into AR reading.
Yeah, we went through the struggle.
Everybody gets into AR now.
That's what I feel like happening now.
Having to read.
We were in the trenches.
Dude, I heard the other day that there's like a class
somewhere up North where people in like high school,
my eighth grade, that if they get stressed out or something,
they go in a corner and hug a teddy bear.
Nah.
That's bullshit.
If my son or daughter ever told me that they came,
they had to do that,
I will make them sleep outside for two days.
That's what I'm saying.
That's because they can just hug you.
You look like a teddy bear.
Go hug a teddy bear, you get stressed.
You don't fucking go in front of people and show weakness.
No, you don't.
That's the popcorn, the kettle black.
Randy, you didn't show no weakness though.
You stood up.
What'd you do after they called you blow job Willie?
Well, when I was a kid,
that's when I did show weakness until around ninth grade
when I was like, fuck this.
Fuck this.
And that's when I was like, okay, fuck that.
No more ass shit.
That's it.
And then you lost all the weight.
Just tried to not get bullied.
And you came back and they're like, are you smoking crack?
Oh yeah, yeah.
And then I was like, okay, that's not working.
I was like, I knew the time one.
I was like, shit, that's not working basketball.
Am I hearing this right?
You were overweight.
Yes, I was fat as fuck.
And then you lost too much weight.
Yeah, like back then I used to wear
like a grown ass man's extra large.
And I can still fit it.
What grade, what are you talking about?
Like sixth grade.
Damn.
Okay, so in sixth.
I'm sorry.
Did you see his face?
That offended you a little bit.
I'm sorry.
No, it didn't.
It didn't.
I was fat as fuck.
I know, but when I said damn, your face was like.
Damn.
No, you said it.
Like, when I said damn, you was like, damn nigga.
Like, why didn't you say damn to me?
No, you're right though,
because I had a doctor who would literally tell me,
he'd be like, dude, you need to stop eating, bro.
You always eating fast food.
Like, you're going to eat fast food, ain't you?
He was going to Dr. No on CLC's big mac.
I'm like.
He said you need to stop eating.
But no, so you were in sixth grade,
and you were wearing men's extra large shirts.
Some of them I could fit to this day.
Yeah.
Okay, so you was a big child.
Very big.
Okay.
Round as fuck.
And then you lost too much weight?
Yes, and then like I came back,
the teacher was like, you do crack?
And I was like, no.
That's the first part.
How much weight are we talking here?
Man, it was.
I think you grew tall.
Yeah, I guess it was because I grew tall.
And I was.
He had his ghost part.
True.
And I played basketball every day too.
Like, I'll be playing there for hours and hours.
This is going to sound real crazy.
You better get your niggas something.
Yeah, and then I quit eating too.
Okay, that's something different.
Yeah.
I quit eating, people are like, oh shit.
But then I was like, this ain't working.
Then that's when I joined wrestling,
and then it got in shape.
Okay.
["Dark Naked"]
It's hard to have narcolepsy in the black community.
I got this disorder.
This disorder passed down from my great,
great, great grandmother, Harriet Tubman.
She used to be on that railroad,
and she used to fall asleep a lot,
trying to get slaves back and forth, you know.
It's hard to stay woke in the black community
when you always want to sleep with narcolepsy.
They ask you to cook the fried chicken,
and you burn it, cause you fell asleep.
They ask you to watch the kids, and you lose your,
you lose your little cousins.
People think I'm on drugs, but I'm not.
I'm clean.
I could pass a pee test.
Martin Luther King wasn't the only one that had a dream.
I have him all the time, and it sucks.
["Dark Naked"]
That was a bad one.
Trump is trying to take away black history, mom.
Don't sleep on this movement.
Stay woke.
["Dark Naked"]
And then I started smoking crack.
Yeah, no, I'm just kidding.
You couldn't do wrestling and smoke crack?
Shit the fuck if you couldn't,
you'd be a fucking monster.
But they would drug-testing the NBA.
Lawrence Taylor was a pro football player.
Smoking crack.
He's doing halftime.
He's celebrated as the best player to ever play the game.
If anybody who ever played with him,
or any coaches like, you don't understand,
he was the best player to ever play the game.
Yes, he was high on crack.
Yes, he snorted lines at halftime.
Yes!
Stand corrected.
The best!
Lawrence Taylor.
Type in Lawrence Taylor.
Sound like a hero.
The goat of linebackers, bro.
Greatest giant of all time.
He's the greatest defensive player.
I think that's unanimous.
Wait a minute, hold up.
This man is insane.
He broke Joe Stasman's leg in half.
In half.
And then he started crying,
and he was like, I was so high on coke right there.
Sure.
Like, giants.
Giants, yeah.
Remember when he went against Bam Bam Bigelow
and Russell Matthews?
Are you serious?
I didn't know this was a thing.
I didn't know he wrestled.
That's the only way I know this dude.
I don't remember that.
That's the only way you know LT.
It's weird that they made him wear his football uniform.
You're from wrestling.
In case they might.
Look, and then they put LT.
So they know.
We don't want people to think this is not him.
He's a one crack at WrestleMania.
I think he won too.
I think he won.
But you know what's the craziest LT story I've ever heard?
He was saying, apparently, he was driving down,
he was driving down, doing something on a Sunday,
and he looked over and he was like,
what the fuck is going on at the stadium?
Oh yeah.
And then pulled in and realized that there was a game.
That's so funny dude.
He got there like half time and when he got there,
it wasn't even like a, oh what are you,
it was like, hurry up and get in there.
Just do something, please.
And he had like four sacks.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Wow.
If a player did that today, dude.
I didn't mean to.
Even Bill Belichick said, because he coached him.
Bill coached him.
And he was like, when you have a player like that,
you don't say nothing to him.
He was just so good.
He's gonna do what he needs to do.
There's nothing you can tell him.
Yeah, but like if Kaderius Tony showed up at half time.
No, no.
He's not.
He's trash.
He's one of the worst draft picks.
The only player that can kind of get away with shit
like this right now is Patrick Mahomes.
Yeah, he could.
He could, but he won't.
He won't, yeah.
But I'm saying, somebody of that star power,
somebody of that.
You don't got many like him out there.
What about Lamar Jeffs?
Look at his face right now.
No, Antonio Brown left at half time.
If I'm not mistaken, he won the MVP
or he won like rookie of the year
and defensive player of the year.
His rookie year.
Lawrence Taylor.
I love this dude, bro.
I love people who are just crazy.
I like athletes who are psychopaths.
Lawrence Taylor, Mike Tyson's my all time favorite.
Me too.
I love Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson's insane.
Man.
That dude is awesome.
I had a dude at work tell me one time,
he was like, Mike Tyson's one of the greatest trash talkers.
I was like, that's not trash talking, bro.
He believes what he's saying.
He was serious as hell.
When he said he was gonna eat your kids,
he was 100% serious.
When he said you gonna fuck that dude
till he loved him, he was serious.
No, for that, for real.
He would've did it just off dominance.
He would've done it right there.
For real.
He is an animal of a person, bro.
He is so terrifying.
He meant to show his ass.
And people are so comfortable around him.
You talking about doing the-
Yeah, with Logan Paul or Game Call?
He don't care.
No, he don't care no more.
He wanted that money.
He don't care.
He's in that mode.
He could be butt naked in a room full of people.
He don't see it as weird.
He's just thinking about the battle.
He's thinking about killing that person.
Did you see he was on Jake Paul's shoulders
last week or the other week?
Yeah, so he's one of the-
That's what I'm saying.
They didn't make hundreds of millions of dollars.
Yes, they did.
But also, that's Mike Tyson now.
He'll bite your ears off and then go,
let's go frolic.
And y'all are gonna go frolic.
Let's go do mushrooms.
You're all for choice.
He'll be like, let's do mushrooms and go frolic.
Let's go do it.
You gotta do it.
Oh, I'll go frolic with Mike Tyson.
Me too.
I would not.
No, I wouldn't.
I don't wanna be close to him.
That guy was waiting.
It was like being with a pit bull.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
But it's fun. Unstable one.
That's my goal, man.
A rescue pit bull.
Randomly we'll see like a piece of sausage on your chest
at any given moment, dude.
Just go after you.
Dude, before I die or he dies,
I wanna be able to hang out with that guy.
That's my life.
That's one of my goals.
For sure.
We're gonna make that happen.
Keith, oh, please, please.
Give him a high five.
Dude, what if he just beats this shit out of Brandon?
That's what I kinda want.
That's all I want.
I'll be honest, none of us can help you.
I know.
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta just hope
if we try to grab him, he doesn't, you know.
It's all right.
We got the taser.
It's okay.
That taser ain't doing nothing.
Dude, don't use the taser, man.
Look at that.
You hit Brandon.
You remember Ruff Ryders?
Let it happen.
You remember Ruff Ryders, the rap group?
Yeah.
Ruff Ryders, the rap group was at like
some BET Awards type shit, right?
And apparently Mike Tyson came up to Eve
and was like, yo, Eve, I fucked this shit outta you.
That's how he introduced himself, right?
Jesus Christ.
Jada Kiss was telling this story where they heard that
and it was like locks and all of them.
And they was like, yo, cause you know, Eve the only girl.
So they like, we ain't gonna let him talk to her like that.
So they start devising a plan of how,
it's like six of them, how they gonna jump Mike Tyson.
And they was like, yo, you gonna grab him first,
you gonna grab him second.
And the dude was like,
why somebody gotta grab him second?
He said, cause whoever grabs him first,
you going to sleep.
Damn.
And they was like, J, what was y'all gonna do?
So he was like, after the second person grabbed him,
he was going to stab him.
And the dude was like, yeah, I was 100%.
He was committed to stabbing Mike Tyson at this award show.
The only thing that changed is they got scared
and they punked out.
Six men scared of one dude.
And right for itself.
Yeah.
He's insane.
Mike Tyson was beat up Michael Jordan in like 1987.
Mike Tyson?
Yeah.
I don't know, why do you know the year?
No, because there was a whole story about,
there was like a girl that Mike Tyson was going out with.
You talking about Brad Pitt?
No, I'm talking about, like it was 1987.
I'll show you because I remember it.
You love it.
You talking about Shawn Michaels?
No, cause like, Mike Tyson and Michael Jordan.
What year was it?
1987.
Okay.
Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson.
1987.
I like, I like he's put Michael and Mike Tyson.
1987, Michael Mike Tyson.
1985.
It's like he's programming.
Oh shit, hold up, I did that.
I didn't even realize that shit.
Hold on, I'm backing up.
Yeah, I gotta chill.
You don't have to.
Hold up.
Wait, for the niggas who be saying we so, we don't play.
Go ahead.
Huh?
You sing the next lyric.
What was the song?
We're gonna rock until the wheels fall off.
Yeah.
Hold up.
Brandon.
Here we go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my bad it was 88, but yeah.
So the heavyweight champion Tyson, then undefeated
and at the peak of his powers as the baddest man
on the planet was in middest of bitter breakup
with ex Robin Gibbons.
Jordan, who is just four months older than Tyson
had previously dated Gibbons during his developmental days
leading the Bulls, traveling cocaine circus.
Good times were being had at dense dinner
only until Mike Tyson downed a few too many cocktails.
It became livid and last out at Jordan
for his previous relationship with Gibbons.
According to Holloway, who detailed the meeting
between Mike and the book, Taming the Beast,
the unknown story of team Tyson,
Holloway, who was Tyson's manager until 1998
wrote the following passage.
Shut up.
Mike Tyson sitting there with his drink of choice,
a Long Island tea and when he drinks,
when he drinks his real feelings come out.
I'm telling the server to water his drinks down
cause I see where this is going.
Mike stares across the table at Michael Jordan
and he says, hey man, you think I'm stupid?
I know you fucked with my bitch.
Jordan looks like he's seen a ghost.
I know you've messed with her, Mike says.
You can't tell me.
Jordan, it's obvious he wants to get up and run.
He wants no part of this.
Mike turns to Dykta, man.
You think somebody's scared of you?
All that racist shit you've been talking?
He says to Dent, y'all scared of this white man, Richard?
He ain't nobody.
You gonna let him walk away.
And so basically Mike Tyson tried to fight Jordan
and then they said he looked like a deer in the headlights.
Yeah, I mean, rightfully so.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's 88.
You are amazing, bro.
The fact that you were one year off,
but also the fact that, what year were you born?
2003.
You were born in 2003.
Yes.
Talking about an event that happened in 1988
in a 1940s radio voice.
You said Tyson came out the left.
Jordan, sitting there stunned, looking at his steak.
I know you fucked with my bitch, man.
That's how that.
That's wild that you just knew that.
Oh yeah, man.
Yo, she must have got around Robin Givens
because that's the same one with Brad Pitt.
Yeah.
And then she was in the car and Brad Pitt was so scared
when he seen Mike Tyson pull up.
Because Brad Pitt and Robin Givens were fucking around,
but she was also with Mike Tyson.
Oh wow, soon as I first did.
Yeah, she was fine, man.
She probably still look good.
Oh yeah, for sure.
That hurt a day.
Nah, that's not it.
No, I'm talking about right here.
Right here.
You know who you're talking about?
It's like Reese Witherspoon, man.
That's what Reese Witherspoon look like to you?
That's what she looks like to you?
I said if she was black.
I don't know.
I'm sure.
Hold on, I'll show you.
I'll show you.
I know Reese Witherspoon.
Okay, you can show me Reese Witherspoon.
Show me your Reese Witherspoon.
Because I know the Reese Witherspoon I think.
I don't know who she is.
I'm just confused.
Brandon, what have you seen with Reese Witherspoon in it?
Well, if you must know, I saw a movie that just came out
with Will Ferrell called, what was it called?
Because it was wild as hell.
And I'm going to watch it again with my wife.
What is it called?
Will Ferrell.
Congratulations, Brandon.
Thank you, man.
I appreciate that.
Bow, bow, bow.
Thank you, man.
Bang, bang, boom, boom.
What is it?
Because I want y'all to see it too.
It was good as hell.
It is right there.
It's called...
You're quarterly invited.
You're quarterly invited?
Yeah, quarterly invited.
Now, I was waiting for you to correct him again.
You said it right.
How do you say it?
I know, I said it right.
Yeah, this is it.
It's a good movie, man.
I would recommend it.
Really?
Yeah, it's tight.
I never had, I don't know.
I think one of your recommendations, I think I have.
But we're going to watch this and see if it's good.
Because Will Ferrell can be hit or miss.
Yeah.
You know what it reminds me of?
I'm not watching any of his latest stuff.
It kind of reminds me of, you remember Meet the Falkers?
Yeah.
Kind of like that.
I love Meet the Falkers.
You're going to love this.
Meet the Falkers.
Meet the Parents.
Meet the Parents is the original.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Meet the Parents is so good.
I got nipples, can you milk me?
You know what I mean?
We want to be more close to you, more nearly.
Than a little lie detector.
See you more clearly.
Be near you more nearly.
A Ben Stiller underrated is a Long Cane Pauly.
Oh man.
Dude.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
Man.
Michael Jordan.
Yeah.
Rain Man.
This is every shot.
Not just misses, it's bricking so hard.
On this metal, like rim backboard, metal backboard,
metal rim, damn there's no net.
So it's just, wow, wow, wow.
So go to the picture right next to that.
This one?
So a Long Cane Pauly, they're on their honeymoon.
That's how the movie opens up.
And then she goes with the scuba instructor
for a private scuba lesson.
He comes in to check on him and he's banging his wife.
On their honeymoon.
On their fucking honeymoon.
Alex is hard as fuck right now.
Oh.
He's like, God, what movie is this?
A Long Cane Pauly.
And then he meets his girl named Pauly.
He's a risk management manager.
So his whole thing is like mitigating risk.
And then she's like a crazy,
it's Jennifer Aniston, she's just like a crazy girl.
But it's Bid Stiller being awkward through the whole thing.
It's so good.
It's hilarious.
So good.
No, it's crazy, that's Mo from The Simpsons too.
That is Mo.
And the dude that was on Quikky Mart, but they cut him.
Oh, cause he was Apu.
Yeah, Apu.
If you, that's bullshit that they cut him.
See, that's where the overcorrection shit came in.
Well no, Apu was still in it.
It's just voiced by the actual ending of that one.
Why?
It's acting.
I don't get where you're like,
this is not this type of person.
Who can, it's a fucking acting.
That's the whole point.
I'm getting a white guy to say nigga on this fucking podcast.
But it's not, I mean for the skit,
and people need to know it's acting.
And don't ruin this young person's life,
man or woman, I don't know which one's gonna do it yet.
Nobody said yes so far.
If DiCaprio can do it on Jay-O Unchained,
why can't we do it for our skit, man?
I think it's the budget.
I'm not gonna say it.
No.
What'd you say?
Just pay enough money?
No.
On camera.
I guarantee you there's at least one white comedian
here in Huntsville.
If you give them enough money, they'll say the N-word.
Oh man, dude.
I know one that,
there's probably one that can do it for free, man.
Who?
Brandon's friend.
No.
No, yeah, he's like, no.
I forgot dude's name.
Okay, out of all the Huntsville comedians
that you've interviewed,
who do you think you could get to say the N-word they use?
Huntsville?
That we've interviewed?
Yeah.
Oh, that we've interviewed.
What if he's like, Nicky Johnson?
Okay, no, well they gotta be white.
That we've interviewed.
You've interviewed.
That we've interviewed, okay.
That we've interviewed.
So it can't be no comedian that we haven't interviewed,
that's gonna be one that we've interviewed.
Yeah.
I mean, that's not.
Why are you trying to forge it the way you are?
Cause now I'm trying to think, I'm like.
That means that he had somebody in mind.
Yeah.
Hold on, let me think.
So I can't say Louis C. K?
I know who he was gonna say.
No, we.
You know who he was gonna say.
Oh yeah, you know, he already said it.
Oh, from. What are you holding?
You're talking about the white boy from Birmingham?
Yes.
But he ain't in Huntsville comedy.
Yeah, you're right.
Huntsville comedy, that's.
Yeah.
One who drinks wines at wine at fucking open market.
I can totally see Charles Hood dropping it.
I think Charles Hood would do it for the art.
I think he would and I respect him more for it.
He will wait till there is a mass shooting and an open mic
and then he'll look at Don and be like,
we gotta get out of here.
He'll just drop it.
Yeah.
To provide.
I'm like, what the fuck is that?
Don could have one last hit of serotonin.
That would be nuts.
That would be wild as hell.
That would be nuts.
I can't think of anybody else.
That's a good sketch.
Being like, it's a white dude and a black dude
that are friends, they're in a mass shooting
and the white dude drops the embalm,
but like hard R, cause he thinks they're gonna die
and then the cops show up.
Damn.
It's sunny.
What?
The dog shit and the piano falling.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's, that was the.
It was a gay slur.
Yeah, that was the gay slur.
We're talking about hard R.
But still a slur, so technically he's saying like,
doesn't matter, you're still doing it,
it's the same bit.
Oh.
Don't tell Jay that, I didn't fucking break it up.
Why are you looking at me?
Cause you were defending it the most.
Yeah, okay.
I've only seen the always sunny that Dom's played at the.
Yeah.
I'm on season two still, so.
Of what?
Always sunny in Philadelphia.
You look so bad.
I took a little break, like I'm on episode four, but.
How long was the break?
I love it, man.
You love it?
How long was the break?
Man, it was like November.
I just want you to know, they get funnier
because you're gonna get more kind of into.
The character.
Modern comedy, yeah, like it's gonna start getting
with the times now.
And you understand the characters,
but you should really hurry the fuck up.
I know, yeah, I gotta watch Kirby and through the album too.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, that's so good.
And the 70's show.
You will love that.
I'll take the finish, how I met your mother.
Sit in the, well, put those to the end.
I've been watching Seinfeld now.
Now that's the shit.
I love Seinfeld.
That can be on the TV at all times.
I got the full Lego set in that like room.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you remember the Lego set there?
Were you able to put it together?
Oh, completely, I don't know.
I heard that.
Did you need the instructions?
Yes, yeah.
Of course.
You remember?
I don't know, you could be one of them.
Oh, yeah.
Not one of them, I wish.
But dude, you know that action figure I had of me?
That comedian, that was the Seinfeld
when I just switched like a Black Harry Potter character
and put his head on there and took off Jerry Seinfeld's head
and then took his like stage.
Cause it came with like a comedy stage.
And you just used Lego?
Yep.
Oh, that's that was Richard Pryor.
No, that's me, I just built it.
I just took like different Lego characters
and made it into me.
That's right.
We need that for the shelf behind you.
You do, you do.
You know Seinfeld dated an old girl in high school?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was a different time.
That day.
It was a different time.
Different time, it was the 90s.
It was in 93.
Yeah, it was like the other day.
The things were different.
Well, like yesterday.
For Brandon, that was last week, dude.
Plus I kinda wanted to be there, man.
Well, who was that guy?
I can't remember who it was, but it was like,
I know a lot of rock stars did it,
but the guy that played, he was a guitar player,
and he was like, yeah, I was banging this girl,
and then she told me she was 14,
so fucked her one last time and then sent her home.
Is he still alive or is he dead?
He wrote it in his book.
That's insane.
That's crazy.
It might have been Clapton, dude.
Is he living or is he dead?
I'm not gonna lie, it might have been.
They're all dead, dude.
So what, with the Kurt Cobain?
And if they're not, you know, they're on the way.
I'm just guessing, I don't know much people like that.
Before that.
Avi Osborne.
Somebody from Led Zeppelin.
Probably somebody from Motley Crue.
They had the book, The Dirt.
Yeah, whenever they...
You ever like them?
Yeah!
Shout out, we don't kill Tony, kill things.
We have to applaud his button action.
Hell yeah.
Kill Tony.
Yeah!
That was bad, I didn't mean to make you do that shit.
It cracked.
I respect it.
Man, I hate that, though.
You did something this weekend, didn't you?
You still got your outfit on.
Oh yeah, we shot the intro to the Bryce,
a new intro to the Bryce and Syfy show.
The new revamped Bryce and Syfy show.
So whenever this next episode come out,
they're gonna be every, what day?
Tuesday.
Every Tuesday.
It's a Bryce and Syfy...
Every other Tuesday.
Every other Tuesday is a Bryce and Syfy Tuesday.
Yeah, Bryce and Syfy Tuesday.
We're gonna have a new background, new Charlie Swisher.
Did the music.
Did the music, and you guys killed the...
Oh my God, that was so...
We were in the thrift store.
I was telling JJ this, he didn't believe me,
I was like, you were the one that was the most embarrassed
and not Bryce.
Bryce didn't give a fuck, and you were embarrassed.
I'm shocked by that.
You were embarrassed.
I was embarrassed because I was under the influence
and I was paranoid.
At one point I went up to Bryce and I was like,
I keep thinking people are looking at us.
They definitely were.
But I know they're not.
And he was like, no they are.
Oh.
I hate those kind of people.
I felt comfortable.
It was just, I felt comfortable.
I just didn't like some of the looks I got,
especially from black people.
Like when we, I'm trying to remember where we went
because Dom just started parading us around at one point.
See, see what I told you?
That's exact verbiage.
Yeah, no, no, no, because we went somewhere,
he was, oh, we went to the Dollar Store.
Dollar Tree to get guns.
He was like, we're going to get guns.
America.
No, we ain't got guns.
Getting to Walmart.
Because it was literally right next door.
It's not like we went somewhere else.
I don't know, man.
And then you ain't someone to march in.
And then you got your tummy full.
That's how you ever patronize me like that again.
I'm a man, damn it.
You're wearing Jared's jeans right now.
Yo, by the way, those guns are cool as hell.
Yeah.
Damn, you're talking about your fat ass?
No, the jeans that he get, the new skinny jeans.
Yeah.
No, no.
Every time I think of Jared with jeans.
I can actually be his.
That's the thing.
But it's a teardrop.
What type?
Oh, god.
Okay, let me put that down.
I was like, what type of skin?
It might have been him crying.
It wasn't.
Did y'all see the documentary with him?
About him?
Yeah, he's an animal, dude.
It's not even about him being an animal.
He is the worst predator of all time.
Because what he's out with.
He was just so out with it.
The lady was like, this is the first day I met him.
And he was like, you got any more pictures of your kids?
I was like, who is that?
Who is that?
Why are you that bad?
No, my guy could have got killed.
You say that.
What are you talking about?
You got any more pictures of your kids?
Like, what you mean?
Devil's advocate.
Wait, who said this?
Jared from Subway.
You didn't know about Jared?
No, I know completely about that dumb ass.
Oh, he knows all about Jared.
Fuck Jared.
It's about that time.
Should have went to Jared.
Man, somebody need to beat the ones with bad gas.
You know what I mean?
His mom came over and was like, Brandon.
We got something to tell you about Jared.
He said, the nice man with the sandwiches.
Man.
Did you like him at first?
No, I never liked that dude.
You probably do.
You remember when that was?
Oh yeah, I do.
I was a kid during that time.
I was really young.
That was the worst time to be a kid.
Man.
So you don't remember him when he would show off
his big drawers?
I do.
I used to see the commercials and stuff.
When I was a child, in school myself.
Which, by the way, we did have PE teachers
that got in trouble a couple years later.
Because of depression?
Yeah, but what's funny is my mom used to always keep me away
from that dude, because my mom always knew.
And she was always like, see, I told you.
The weird thing is, man, when I was in elementary school,
we had a gym, our PE teacher, like the main coach,
his name was Jared.
And he looked like him.
Damn.
He was a white dude with glasses
and that crew cut type, you know.
It wasn't him, but it like.
It definitely was him.
Damn, man.
Your school just was so shitty,
somebody could just walk in and be like,
start doing jumping jacks.
You come here.
Man, that's terrible.
Come here.
The Bill Burr, Billy Corgan thing,
it might have been his brother.
Maybe.
Damn.
They're both named Billy.
Long lost.
Both named Jared.
Oh yeah, have you ever seen that thing
about the twin brothers who were separated at birth,
but then lived almost the exact same life?
Yeah.
That's nuts.
That's crazy.
Didn't they die of suicide or was that another?
No, I don't think so.
Did they both do it or just one?
No, they both did it.
They both did it.
I think it was like an experiment or something that happened.
But it was weird.
They both married a woman with the same name,
then divorced them, then married a different woman
and they had the same name.
That's fantastic.
Their dogs had the same name.
Oh wow.
They both had the same name.
They both were named like James Allen, well you know.
Wives.
Yes.
But it was everything was,
they were in a similar career field,
everything was the same.
Right.
Do you know any twins?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
No, I didn't.
When I was a kid, I had twins that liked me.
Oh, okay.
Yes, they did.
They were crazy about me.
Thank you.
What was his name?
No, it was like two years till age.
I'm sorry.
Me slapping.
But no.
Yeah.
I was very happy as a kid
because that never happened again to me when I was young.
Oh, it freaked you out?
No, I was enjoying it.
I was like, this is crazy.
This never happened.
It never did again.
Were they not, they didn't go to your school or something?
No, they were in my school.
No, no, it did not.
I'm talking about when I was a kid.
I'm talking about when it happened again.
Nobody ever loves me.
I'm talking about when I was a kid here.
It does now.
But I'm talking about like through those years as a child.
No, I know, I know.
I'm messing with you.
Nah, this is good.
But yeah.
Yeah, they went to my school.
Speaking of unidentified, oh, speaking of twins, my bad.
Have y'all seen that thing called unidentified twins
with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dan DeVito?
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Are you just talking about the movie Twins?
No.
Yeah, with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dan DeVito.
No.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
How do you say it?
Negger.
Yeah, you're saying negger.
You're saying Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So dude, I don't know, Schwarzenegger?
Negger, yeah.
Dude, I'm trying to say, you know what I'm saying?
You sound like Alex trying to get a free one.
Damn, man.
So they just called twins?
Yeah, they just called twins.
They just called, what'd you say?
Unidentified.
They were unidentified though.
I just saw that for the first time last Saturday.
It was good, right?
Great.
Funny.
Very good.
Yeah, that was great.
Have you ever seen Daddy Day Care?
The first one, not the second one.
It was like years ago.
I don't even remember what fully happened.
I just know Eddie Murphy was on there
and then the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
Yeah.
You guys seen Diary of a Wimpy Kid?
No.
Oh man.
They're good.
Amazing movie.
One of the best, that was my childhood.
Like I remember watching that movie.
You remember Frigley?
Oh man, dude.
Yeah.
It just reminds me of Frigley.
Roderick was my favorite.
Oh no.
Okay, you type it.
I knew bitch ass Roderick.
I liked the OG Roderick.
Damn.
This caused a whole internet controversy
because they replaced that actor that played Roderick.
Who the hell is Roderick?
He's the older brother.
He had a band called Loaded Diaper.
Yep.
And they had a band.
That looks like David Lyman.
Let me show you Roderick.
No, he is basically David Lyman.
It has said Roderick for the past five or six minutes.
That's the OG Roderick.
That's the OG right there.
The tall dude or the short one?
No, the tall dude.
He's the older brother.
Okay, can we get a side by side?
Can you type in,
die of a wimpy kid Roderick knew in the group?
You're gonna see the problem immediately.
Let's put new.
No, I'm gonna put comparison.
Hold on, because trust me, he wants the comparison.
No.
You didn't like that?
You didn't like that Roderick was?
He looks like Alex E with a bob.
Oh God.
Yeah.
That dude on the right is drawing.
I feel bad though.
People don't look like that, man.
You know who he looks like?
You remember Lilo and Stitch?
Yeah.
The yellow one, the yellow.
Peebly?
With the one eye?
No, it's an alien.
With the one eye?
Yeah, with the one eye.
He looks like that.
Looks like Lil Tay.
He was the first trans person in the Disney movie.
For real?
Weebly.
Oh, for real?
He looked trans, I think he was.
He didn't do that shit out there.
He was an alien.
But.
He didn't do that shit out there.
That's nuts.
The guy on the right, the new Roderick,
this ruined his career.
It did, I feel bad for him.
People hated him so fucking much.
He did an interview like maybe a year ago.
This was like six or seven years ago.
A year ago he did an interview.
He was like, that fucked my entire life up.
Nobody would cast me in anything.
I feel bad for him.
I mean, look at him.
I don't like to look at him.
He scares me.
You know what's messed up?
You and I are old enough that if we knew him,
we'd be like, bruh, nobody is taking this that serious.
Because even now I find it crazy
that y'all ruined a man's career.
Not me, I didn't care.
But it was called Not My Roderick.
That was the movement.
Damn.
Hashtag Not My Roderick.
I felt bad for him.
He got no country for hair.
No country for old man hair.
He do got that Laura Farquaad.
No country for hair.
Like Dora, you know.
They have to go.
They got a lot of hair.
Like Bob's Burgers, what's that lady's name?
Tina?
Tina, yeah.
Oh, I love Tina.
Whippin' it.
Show him a picture of Fregley.
Oh man, yeah.
Let me show you this Fregley.
Ooh, okay.
And then Rowley.
Zooey Mama.
Ah man, Zooey Wawa and the Moti T.
He's had it, Rowley.
That's Fregley, dude.
Yeah, that's Fregley.
He would show his,
wouldn't he show his Fregley nipple or something?
He had three nipples.
And he had a piece of paper.
He put his booger on it and slid it under the door.
And I couldn't eat for like four days.
Then they do the cheese touch.
I would beat his little ass.
I would kick that motherfucker downstairs.
And then, hold on, what was Rowley?
This was a book that became a movie.
One of my favorite books.
This is one I actually read.
That's Rowley.
Oh, I know that dude.
That meme.
That meme, yeah.
That's the way he looks.
If you've been on Twitter,
you've seen this boy a thousand times.
If you's in the right context,
it's one of the funniest girls of all time.
And then, you know,
I'm gonna show you the parents.
Brother did the mirror thing.
Oh my God.
When you know,
Chattler Jones was crying and he was butt naked.
And he had that breakdown.
I did not see that.
You didn't see that?
No, bro.
So you know Chattler Jones, though, right?
Yeah, the football player.
He's playing for the Raiders, the Monster.
His brother's John Jones.
And he's crying in the hot seat.
The CT is kicking.
Yeah.
He's like walking by the mirror
and he's butt naked.
He's giving us a view of his house on IG Live.
He gets to the bathroom,
points the phone directly at the mirror.
His dick is just swinging.
And they have the meme from the little boy
from Diving Room Whimpy Kid.
I guess he walks into a church or something
where he's just like, hey.
He's like.
He's like, oh yeah, I remember that.
It was the most random thing ever.
Greg sat on a candy bar
and it looked like he sharded his pants.
It did.
Oh, that's what he was doing.
His brother did that on purpose to him.
You know, that happened to me
at a wrestling match one time.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, that's what you claim.
No, because what happened was I sat on it.
I can see somebody slamming you hard enough
to make you shit yourself.
No, no.
Let me tell you what happened.
So I wasn't there.
You tell him, wait a little bit,
then come out on the monkey bars.
You look like a shitter queen.
But when I sat down,
I sat on this chocolate bar thing.
And this is the day that,
because I originally, at first they had an off.
They had a choice.
You wear compressions or you wear singlets.
And I was like, fuck it, I'm wearing my singlets.
So I took off the compressions right there.
And then I never went back and I always wore a singlet.
I don't know what's up.
You know compression shirts?
Like they had a choice where you could be like
in the singlet or compression shirts and then shorts.
So Brandon wanted his nipples to be showing.
So you chose a singlet.
Well, because of that, like,
I was like, this is way better than moving.
No one chooses the singlet.
That's when your nipples are out, yeah?
No, it's just a regular,
if you get it, most people,
if you get a choice to wrestle in a fucking latex or-
A latex?
Or you know, the singlet is, right?
No, can you pull them up?
Hold on, I'll show you.
I need some help.
It's not your unitar.
Yeah, it's a leotard.
Wrestling?
Like Andre the Giant.
Yeah.
That's a singlet.
What Brandon wore in the wrestling?
Yeah, what Brandon wore.
Okay, so why didn't anybody wanna wear that?
Well, I'm just saying you have to wear that
for like competition.
But if they give you a chance to wear shorts and a shirt,
most people are picking that.
Here's the other choice.
So look, it'd be like either that one-
Hey, which one would you wanna wear?
Or that one.
Okay, hear me out.
Hear me out.
If I'm like, if I'm jacked,
I'm going left every time to show dominance.
So, because like,
if you show up in the shorts and shirt, right,
I'm like, cool, you clearly don't feel comfortable
with your body or my body.
I think it's just more comfortable.
Plus you can move around here.
It's way more comfortable.
This is like the Angel Reese fashion.
No, when I show up in that man,
lingerie,
you're gonna go,
oh my God, he's in for,
he's in on some other shit.
I think you won't.
No, you won't.
I think it's a scare tactic.
I didn't, you could,
so you could just wear this in competition now?
I think you're in exhibitionist shit.
But it's like, it's kinda,
like I feel like it was like,
not as like, it was kinda loose,
and stuff would kinda come off.
It had to be grabbing.
Yeah, like I didn't like that.
I know I do, if it was like,
I did have sex on the French car one time.
If it's like I'm really serious,
I'm wearing the singlet,
cause you know, I probably shouldn't put my feet up,
I got my sand on the side.
I lost an Alero.
Oh yes, my neighbor had an Alero for forever, dude.
For the first 15 years of my life, probably.
I had sex on the,
we had sex on the hood and the windshield.
The fuck is wrong with me?
Yeah, that's good though.
I was, I asked what kind of car,
because if it was a SUV,
that's a lot more of an aerial act,
and that's more impressive.
Wait, so when did you have sex on the windshield?
Years ago.
Years.
How old were you?
Probably like five, six years ago, so 26, 27?
26, 27.
Yeah, older than you.
You got to.
Wait, so you're in your 30s?
Yeah, how old do you think I am?
Dude, I thought you were like 28.
Cool.
How old are you?
32.
Oh.
Isn't it crazy, he looks younger than Ian Miller?
You do, you do.
You do.
I thought you were way younger.
That's crazy, man.
You're still young.
Yeah, I have a youthful spirit.
Youngish.
This is what happens when people start to time out, okay?
He knows his expiration date's coming up soon,
and now he's getting all sour.
Youngish.
I like being old, man.
The clock's about to strike 12.
He don't like being old,
he just like waking up every day.
He's calling it being old, but he's just like,
oh God, another one?
I'm gonna cherish this.
Well thankfully, decline doesn't start
till you're about 40 years old.
See?
That doesn't start then.
This started when I was 21.
No, they said it starts a little bit.
But that's when it starts, like you start feeling stuff,
but then it starts to really happen at 50.
No, I'm telling you, that's what they told me.
So I don't know when your body technically starts
to decline, I know athletically,
it's like your 20s, like 20s and 30s and shit,
but the day after my 30th birthday,
I woke up with the craziest pain in my left knee.
I didn't do anything the day before.
I just woke up and my knee was throbbing in pain.
Without a doubt.
And I thought it was like some sick joke from the universe.
Like, oh no, after your 30th birthday,
you're gonna just start hurting.
Dude, at every level, it's like when somebody's 30,
it's like, oh, do you feel old?
It's like, no, you're not old till you're like 40.
Then when you get to like 40,
you're like, you're not old till you're like 50.
Then 50, I was like, I don't feel old,
you're not old till you're like 60.
When you hit about 65, bro, you're old.
You're old.
You're not super old.
You're saying like, yeah.
You're old.
I go to sleep at nine.
My dad just turned 60.
He's like, I don't think you're old till you're like 80.
I was like, no, you're dead.
Your dad's gonna live forever too.
I think he will, dude.
I think he could be 104 easily.
You still think we could get him other part?
Dude, yes, but that's not good.
It won't be good.
We would have to edit probably a good amount,
but I want nothing more.
I mean, we could put it on the Patreon.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, it's the dark takes.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah.
They would get my uncle next.
He will be wearing a combination of both of your outfits.
Your uncle cannot know where I live.
I'm in my uncle's family circle.
Yeah.
I'll bring my mom home.
You bring one of your boys.
Oh my God.
My mom would be a great interview.
I really, so he was telling me some of the shit
his mom is into.
My dad loves the juice.
I want to go to one of his mom's services so bad.
Oh, she likes it, yeah.
And sit on one of those outside porn bitches.
We'll look for shit.
Yeah.
The wrought iron bitches.
Yes.
Made out of like funeral gates.
I will 100% just be like, yeah, let's do this.
I wanna see what you into.
Let's go.
We're just trying to find a show down there.
Heck yeah.
They go, stay at mom Duke's house.
Can she cook German food?
Fuck no, she can't cook shit.
Really?
Yeah.
She made brown spaghetti, which is like, what's that?
It's just spaghetti with brown sauce.
Brown cheese.
Brown sauce.
It's just gravy.
But it's literally, it's literally just gravy.
But it's super.
Gravy.
Yeah, that's all it is.
Gravy.
It's literally just gravy and brown beef.
It's delicious.
It's Al's great steak gravy.
Yeah, mom makes gravy and noodles.
But I'm talking about the packet ones.
Brown street noodles.
I'm not talking about like drippings and flour and all that.
It's spaghetti.
Yes, spaghetti.
It's amazing.
That is the ghettoest shit I've ever, that's crazy.
It's so good.
You are insane.
I'm telling you, I love it.
I bet you do.
I try.
You look like you're made of that.
Yeah.
If you said what are Dom's innards,
I would say probably spaghetti noodles,
Salisbury steak gravy.
And bratwurst.
No, no bratwurst.
No bratwurst.
That's the casing.
I'm sorry, go ahead.
No, but she made that and she complained about it
the whole time.
Did she complain?
Yeah, because me and my brother both like it.
So we're like, you're making brown spaghetti.
She was like, yeah, I make it.
And then she was making it.
She was like, I'm tired, I done did all this.
I'm like, you ground some ground beef.
Yeah.
And then the gravy, you poured it like a,
just a cup of water.
And then you poured all the, and heated it up.
That sounds pretty good.
Like I wanna try that.
No, I'm telling you.
I mean, I probably, cause I grew up on it,
but I love that shit.
I try it.
Like it is definitely.
It's a poor man's meal.
I wanna try it.
We've been on this before,
but my grandma just made watery spaghetti.
Ugh.
Just simple watery.
I can't stand it.
Ugh, that's the worst.
What I imagine like a placenta looks like.
Ugh.
I'll tell you something terrible, man.
One time my mom made chili
and she kept saying she did it,
but I know she did.
My mom, she used to hide that she was smoking
from us for a while.
Ugh.
Then when we find out, she would be in denial.
Like we'd be like, hey, you should buy an ashtray.
And she would be like, nah, I don't need one.
I'm not like, I'm gonna quit.
So she would just have like cigarettes
and bottles type shit.
And we'd be like, hey, let's get an ashtray.
My God, this is getting shitty or whatever.
But damn, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I'm hot.
Did she drop the ashes in the shit?
Oh, she dropped the ashes in the fucking chili.
And I could taste it.
And I was like, were you smoking in the kitchen?
She was like, oh, no, I think it burnt a little bit.
I'm looking at it, I'm like, that ain't burnt.
My brain is instantly telling me,
you know how like you just know what something is?
As soon as it touched my tongue,
it was like I had an outer body experience
while I saw her drop it in there.
And then mix it up.
Are you in that so Raven moment?
Yeah. Oh man.
I just.
All right, Saffa.
Yo.
This the end of the podcast.
This has been wild.
Yes it has.
It's been great.
This has been wild.
Have y'all had a fun time?
Yes, I did have a fun time.
It was a really good time.
I felt bad. Me too.
I felt, I went through a whole sea of emotions with this one.
And that's good. That's great.
I had a really good time.
I felt bad.
Well, I'm saying, I felt bad.
I went through a whole sea of emotions.
I felt bad, and I was like, man, I feel like I'm blowing.
I feel like I'm looking stupid.
I didn't want to bring the podcast out.
Don't get self-conscious, man.
Oh my God.
Don't do that.
You worried about how you look in a thrift store.
And now this.
You've been losing weight, man.
The coolest hands.
Look at that jean.
You've been hitting the weights, bro.
You're the coolest people in here.
JJ tells me all the time he always sees you at the gym.
Yeah, I only go so he can see me.
Hey, what time do you usually go?
God damn.
The one day.
Oh.
He does work for the police.
Yeah.
I knew that.
I go Monday.
I go Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday.
Usually, like, any time between 3.30.
No later than 4.30, though.
All right, man, we should work out together sometimes.
Okay.
That's good.
Good, good, because I'm seriously going
to get a membership there at that place.
I saw they had like a punching bag, so I like that.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all make sure you all massage each other's hamstrings
before y'all get out there.
No, no, I'll get a massage at Walmart or something
when I go pick up that toy, John.
But you gotta do it for him, because you can't reach.
No, I do.
You're compact.
I am very compact.
I do like a little warmup, like,
because I do upper body.
Mm-hmm, excuse me.
Each day, so I do like an upper body warmup
and then lower, so you ain't got a,
you ain't gonna really need a massage gun.
You don't work on legs?
I do, but I'm saying you ain't gonna be doing
nothing crazy enough that,
I'm pretty sure you've done something physical before.
Oh yeah, all the time.
Yeah.
Especially, yeah, now I got the weighted vest,
which I'm trying to figure out,
because I don't want people to,
I get conscious when I walk around with a car,
I don't want people to think,
oh shit, he got a bomb on him,
and then just try to shoot me.
Nobody's gonna think it's a bomb.
Nobody's gonna think that?
No, okay, good.
Good, because I've been putting in my jacket
and then putting the jacket over it.
And walking around like,
I don't think it's a bomb when you try to hide it.
Yo, you are nuts!
Your nuts, I love it!
Like, I remember one time I left
and went back into my mom's room,
and I was like, yo, do I look weird?
Like, does this look like something's wrong?
Am I gonna die?
And she's like, no, I mean, you do look weird, but.
He's like, I like to put my charger
and its wires up in there.
Tune in a little bit.
And then I walked around my neighborhood,
and dude, everything changed so quick.
So first I went past the Saas Market area, right?
Okay.
And it looked rich.
I'm like, oh, this is classy.
And then I turned left and kept going,
and then there was a trailer home, right?
And then I kept going now past the trailer home,
and there was like this one run-down convenience store
with like graffiti all over it,
and then these dudes just standing outside smoking,
and then these dogs like trying to jump these fences
and shit dripping at me.
Is this a dream?
Yeah, what's the?
Dude, I promise you this ain't a dream.
I know exactly where he's talking about.
This ain't a dream.
The Star Market and Five Points.
Yeah, and I just walked all over my neighborhood
with that thing, because I just kept walking until I couldn't.
Is that where that new Indian restaurant is
across the street from that gas station?
Yeah, like that, but I just went deep in the neighborhoods
and just kept going, walking around everywhere,
and like, because I was like,
I'm gonna walk from like 11 until like near one.
And then like, when I went home, my mom was like,
yeah, you should be careful out there.
I was like, all right.
Yeah.
All right, bro, all right, y'all.
You like Indian food?
I'm okay with it.
I love Indian.
Okay, what's that shit that's on the front counter?
It's like, it looks like seeds with some nerds dropped in.
I don't know.
Kiwi. Sesame.
Kwawi, Kwawi.
Quinoa.
It's not quinoa.
That's African.
It's that one.
Curry?
It's not curry.
I got some seeds up there.
It's like hamster food.
It looks like it a little bit,
but it's like, I've seen people,
they have a spoon and they'll eat it,
but I've seen this one dude just put his raw hand
into the whole thing and just grip it.
I don't.
People use rice to train their forearms.
That's true.
You get strong.
But let's wrap this up.
All right, y'all.
See y'all next week.
Man, this was fun.
I'm so happy to be here.
I'm such a lucky boy.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just been fantastic, its all perfect and still had some events to see,
but it's so cool to have some time to do everything
I like the most about
дав.
This is nice.
Oh, I want him to have aogy.
now is the time a lot of talent
got his hands in the equation now differentiation
of dış.
Uh,
I hate Scrappy Doo.